she wins!

in my attempt to convince mum that bee has her interest at heart, i tried to play up to religion card. afterall, she has the habit of falling back to religion whenever she's uncomfortable... here's how the conversation went:

me: you know, he has your interest at heart and helps me whenever he can. i am thankful to him for being around...

mum: (ignoring what i said) ... i always pray to god and to buddha to bless you.

me: ah, yes, he is also a good practising buddhist. and he, like you and i, goes the kmspks to pray to the buddha. he also helps out at buddhist temples and observes vegetarianism regularly. 

mum: no, the buddha he prays to is fake...

me: ....

she wins...

weekend just started!

she has gone to bed. and yes, my weekend has just started. and no, i still cannot leave the house cos she'll think i'm leaving the house to bring people home to kill her. but well, at least with her in her room, i can now do what i want to do (in the house) without worrying about worrying her. imagine, even when i were to lie in my own bed in my room, she'd tip toe to my room door and peep in to see what i was doing. so you can imagine how her mind will go when and if i were to close my door...

anyway, weekend has just started!

:-)

judging others

i have previously looked badly at people who outwardly show any form of negative behaviour towards their elderly parents. but having been put in this position now, i am beginning to better appreciate what a primary caregiver of an elderly have to go through.

it's not that i condone such behaviours, but i am now a little more understanding and will surely be less judgmental about people when and if i encounter such incidents. and I feel strongly that there must be better structures and assistance in the community to help primary caregivers of elderly people.

"i"

been reminding myself that the person i am dealing with is no longer a sane person. she is a sick person who is totally screwed up up there. and she is a pitiful person who knows no more logic and totally consumed with herself. when i think that way, it helped me depersonalize the whole experience and just give in. she has been destroyed by her overly focused on herself. and looking at it that way, i must remind myself to also let go of myself and let go of her.

firstly, letting go of myself. i shall not get worked up when things get challenging and when tantrums are directed at me. it is not about protecting my dignity and standing up for myself when she scolds me and is unreasonable. i should have no sense of self when faced with such situations. once u start to see things from an "i" angle, anger will set in. self-centricity has not place when handling a person whose mind is no longer logical.

secondly, letting her go. she is sick in her mind. she is no longer able to think things objectively. she is so consumed by herself that she no longer understands logic. logic to her is about herself, everything about herself. it does not matter what anyone does, she choose to interpret all actions according to her state of mind. if she sees you as a threat, whatever good you do, she's still twist it to convince herself that you have ulterior motives, when you do not do anything, she'll use it to reinforce her belief that there is nothing good you can do for her (at best) or that it is a prelude to upcoming bad things. and so, when faced with such a person who is your mother, you have to learn to let her go. she is no longer your mother per se. just remind yourself that she had performed her motherly duties previously and that the only thing you can do for her now is to ensure her basic needs are provided for.

i need to remind myself of these. her inability to let herself go has robbed her of her sanity. i must learn from her. i need to let go of myself. and i need let go of her. the cliche phrase - if you love someone, let him/ her go - applies here totally. and it applies personally too... for my own sanity, just ignore her abuses and tantrums...

introverts & stress

the problem with introverts like me is that one the surface, things will seem very controlled and calm. but inside, there is a whole damned amount of pent up emotions. and there is often no outlets and all the negative energies get directed to myself. i end up getting destroyed inside. and with internal destruction, my abilitites to manage the source of stress/ stressors weakened. and when hit a certain point, all energies, that had been pent up, will erupt, burst out and be directed at the source of the stress...

this had happened a couple of times in my life, especially at work. i usually end up screaming back at my bosses and gave them a earful. it happened in 1996, 1999 and again in 2002 when i burst and literally fucked my bosses during those periods. and when it is about people i work with, i end up scolding them so badly, they wished they never existed. in 1995, i punished my whole unit publicly and scolded my deputy openly. in 2005, i scolded my female staff until she cry. she resigned after that...

i must say i have and am still learning to manage myself. and the person (well, not a person per se) who had "tamed" me significantly over the years is none other than my closest companion - sapphie.

ok, am not sure where i am heading in this post, but really, i hope to continually manage this aspect of me. sapphie had helped. religion had helped. i think i need to try harder...

safety

i know myself well enough. and becos i know myself, i am very seriously considering sending my mum to an old folks home.

anger, like a volcano, knows no limits... once it erupts, it cannot be stopped. and the course of nature will be changed.

cows & water

the usual sentence is - you can bring the horse to the river but you can't force the horse to drink. this phrase has been used by many to describe how you cannot force anyone to do anything if he/ she doesn't want to do. eg eat dinner. i love horses. and somehow i cannot bring myself to use the word "horse" here and now. so...

you can bring the cow to the river but you can't force the cow to drink.

again!

for reasons unknown to me, she started to throw tantrums today again... first thing i got from her when i woke up was - "why you slept so late last night!?"... huh?!? since when i slept late? i refused to get drawn into her nonsense. just gave her the facts of what time i slept. let her decide for herself if it was late.

and then it was refusing to eat breakfast, and then insisting in going to the temple, not that i won't bring her, just that even before i can take my breath from marketing, cooking, housework and so on, she was already chasing me to bring her there... very last minute, very rush. no time to rest, no time to take a breather, no time to even get myself mentally prepared for it... and all these happened in the morning. so you can imagine how the rest of the day went. and even as i write this, she is still throwing tantrums and refusing to eat the dinner i cook...

am not sure if u feel tired reading about all these frustrations, but frankly for me, i feel tired writing about it again and again. so you can imagine how tired i feel. well, need to hold back, control, control...

i look forward to the weekdays...

oven hot

i must be freaking bored to be writing about the weather, but really, it is damned freaking hot these couple of days. and it is not the normal kinda heat that i experienced locally. it reminded me of the summer heat that i get went i was posted to florida summer 2004!

and frankly, the heat is really getting to me. feeling as though i am falling sick and coupled with the heatiness and dryness of my mouth, i am really aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

i wish this heatwave goes off soon. i really wish so...

picture from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/2e/Very_Hot_Weather_Warning.png/150px-Very_Hot_Weather_Warning.png

this week

after the stressful start to the week, i thought the week went relatively ok.

monday was bad due to mum's mental condition and she gave me the cold war through the day. tuesday was bad as she continued with her tantrums, but weirdly, wednesday arrived and she acted like as though nothing had happened. and so, life turned back to "normal" as sudden as it turned bad at the start of the week. so, the rest of the week kinda became quite routine again with the usual work, rehab center, bringing her out for dinners immediately after work and trying to stretch the evening out as long as possible so as to make her tired. that was basically how the week went for me on the homefront.

as for the workfront, well, as usual, the meetings and trying to adjust to the new boss and the many meetings that came and went. so far seemed to be ok. this new boss tried to justify the unpleasant and uncalled for comments that my big boss (his boss) told me some couple of weeks back. well, i just nodded and smiled. no point getting worked up for it. reflecting, if i did not agree to what my big boss said, i should just depersonalize this whole issue and move on as soon as i get a new job. there is no rush per se as i have reflected earlier. but what i am very clear about was that there is no need to feel personal about all these anymore. i must remember the bad lesson i learnt in my regular service days with the armed forces that organizational loyalty is nothing but bullshit. ultimately, the organization has its own interest to look after. so...

well, that was my week. not too eventful at work and perhaps a little weird at home. oh, since i am ranting, this week, my laptop went kapoot... and have been forced to use my office laptop to blog and to surf the net. do not do so usually as i do not like the idea of things being cached in my laptop, especially so when and if i surf sites that are blocked at work or sites that could possibly compromise my personal life (like porn as well as my blog! hahaha). also, yesterday, my phone contract ends and that means i can now shop for a new phone as i renew the contract! hurray! and of cos, it's a nice end to the week to be commemorating our 7th anniversary/ start of our eighth year... (not that we are doing anything romantic or significant)... heh heh... i supposed the event itself gives me a mental break from all the routine stress...

:-)

6 months

just went for my medical review earlier. all's ok on the blood test. cholesterol level (lhl, hdl) all ok, within the desirable range for me, blood sugar after fasting ok, liver enzymes ok, etc... for now to sustain my statins at current level. as for the anti-depressant and sleeping pills, to continue. mouth/ lips dryness, no choice, side effects of anti-depressant. encouraged to sleep more and have more rest...

to review in 6 months.

:-)

8

today, we mark the end of our 7th year and the start our 8th year (i.e 7th anniversary)!

end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

:-)

support

for reasons unknown or perhaps just an uncanny coincidence, i received a couple of whatsapp messages from friends. first, it was from sam, a constant source of support, although some of his suggestions may, at times seemed difficult to implement... and i also got a whatsapp message from another friend in hk. it was past mid-night and the message came in - how are you? everything ok?

it was so nice to hear from alvin. and being a buddhist himself, and a social worker, he gave me some advise about how to manage such situations. and offered to help me check for support resources.

i am grateful i have friends to support me emotionally when things get tough. and talking about friends and support, i personally also think it would be useful if bee can see himself as part of the solution and be more forthcoming in engaging mum. his avoidance of mum only further aggravate the challenge and reinforces mum's perception of him as a hostile person... then again, i can only hope for this to happen.

what a f-up start!

after the whole weekend tensions and the mirror disaster, i had hoped for a smooth start to the week. well, it did not. my week did not start well.

woke up, got myself ready for work and next thing I know, mum asked me to bring her to pay respects to my grandparents. i asked why and she said they came back to visit her in her dreams and warned her that people are conniving to steal my salary and my money. hmmm, how would you respond to such an input? well, i told her not to have wild thoughts and gave her details of my salary and a point to point breakdown of how i use my salary every month. told her her worries were unfounded and she should not think too much... i left for work after that.

for the whole freaking day, i tried to call and check on her but there was no reply. got calls from my sis telling me she had more than 7 missed calls from mum. i sensed something wrong and hurried home at about 4pm, the time when she'd return from the rehab center.

when i saw her, i asked if she's ok and why was it she did not pick up the phone. what i did not expect to get a trashing from her. apart from accusing me of demanding 30k from her, she also said her money in her wallet was missing. the sentences in this whole episode was totally illogical. at one moment, i was accused of demanding 30k, at one moment, i was chasing her out of the house, and the next moment, i was shirking my responsibilities to take care of her, and so on. and as she rattled on, the allegations and story just got more and more wild and twisted.

i totally lost my cool! tried to ask her to try to understand me. tried to explain to her i was explaining how i use my salary and not demanding money from her (and goodness knows how she got that magic number 30k! would have taken me many month to earn that amount!), tried to tell her she is giving me a lot of stress with her wild allegations... but it was no use, she just kept on with her allegations of 30k and so on.

i left her alone after a while and when i thought things where relatively cooler, i offered to her fruit juice. again, she screamed at me and shouted that she would no longer recognize me as her son. she went further to also disown all her children, my siblings...

that was it. i had reached my ultimate limit. alright, you don't recognise me as your son, but you cannot ignore the fact that you are my late-father's wife and my late-grandfather's daughter-in-law. and given that they are dead, i shall lecture you in the capacity of the head of the household, a status i inherited when my father died! that you have been married into the family and you have no right to disown someone with my surname! no one shall malign nor spoil my surname, not one who was married into the family.

i lectured her for 2hours. she kept quiet. i admit i was harsh. i had assumed the role of a fucking traditional male chauvanistic pig. but i was really at my wits end. i reckoned if i have to use such tones and angle to deliver my message for her to understand and put her in the right place, i will fucking do it!

damned!

我真的累了

i have enjoyed the song 真心 by sally yeh since it was first released. but frankly, i really didn't know what the song was about despite having heard it so many times. all i knew was there were these 2 phrases 我真的累了, 累得我無法繼續 and i could connect with it. i could really really connect with it when i feel down. and through these many years, it was so uncanny that i would hear this song whenever i felt down.

and yesterday morning, as i walked pass a cake shop after breakfast, i heard these 2 phrases blasted over the radio. i was totally stunt. i just stood there. frozen. again, it didn't matter what the song was about. i didn't care cos i didn't pay attention to the other lyrics. i didn't even remember if it was a love song or anything else. i only heard these 2 phrases... and it really described how i felt these days. very tired. very very tired.

i came home and decided to google this song. and weird as it might sound, i am not feeling blue that weekend is coming to an end.

真心

葉蒨文-真心,百聽不厭的歌

:-)

作詞：劉虞瑞　作曲：殷文琦

盼到了黎明
又怕讓自己清醒
有多少未知的莫名委屈
要讓我強忍著不能哭泣
我真的累了
累得想放棄逃避
逃回那不再有誰會在乎的過去

＊
走過了風雨
在身上留下了痕跡
回想起這一切
百感交集
分不清該可悲還是歡喜
我真的累了
累得我無法繼續
有誰能看見我那顆平凡執著的心

＃
為何我用真心做的夢愛的人說的話
沒有人願意相信
而一個小小的天地只屬於自己
卻如此遙不可及
我只想用真心做個夢愛個人說些話
安靜的面對命運
但這無奈的心情
我又能說給誰聽

Repeat ＊,＃,＃

但這無奈的心情
我又能說給誰聽

2.50

couple of days ago, i drove to a zichar place to pack dinner. i ordered yi min, hor fun and bee hoon and they cost $9 in all. i paid up immediately. after that, i walked back to my car to make sure i was not blocking anyone as i had parked at a non-parking space and had left my car engine running. after a couple of minutes, i went back to the store and saw the lady put 3 boxes into a plastic bag. she passed me the plastic bag and i took it and left hurriedly. couldn't afford to let mum wait too long at home.

once home, i took out the boxes and when i poured out the contents, i realized the lady had passed me another person's order. a receipt in the bag indicated $11.50 for the contents. i had initially thought of driving back to the store but common sense told me that whoever ordered that order would have left, and worst still, mum would end up with no dinner for a long while more. and so, i gave her the food and we ate the dinner. after eating the dinner, i drove back to the store to pay the additional $2.50. initially, the lady was defensive and said something that sounded like i created problems for them, and then she gave me an evil look like as though i did it purposely. but after explaining to her that i had returned to pay up the balance, she grudgingly took the money and whispered a "thank cute". her semi-hostile response didn't bother me.

when i discovered the error and told mum i wanted to return the balance, she chided me. to her, it was their mistake and i have every right to just eat and ignore the whole matter. she insisted i did not need to return them the balance. and when i told bee that evening, he, on the other hand, questioned my motive for returning the money. he didn't explain why he questioned my motive and i didn't bother to ask. that was the right thing to do. i really didn't understand why the fuss about returning the $2.50. to me, it was not the amount, but rather the principle behind it. even if it was 10cents, i would still have driven back to return it. if i don't, i would have been guilty of being greedy. and that is not in sync with my practise as a buddhist.

sleep

i sleep to escape.

and tonight, i shall take sleeping pills.

good night.

choked

at the temple this afternoon, i stood in front of the buddha, i looked at the image, and i felt so overwhelmed. i couldn't explain the feeling. i choked. and i fell almost immediately onto the floor as i paid my respects.

i would have cried under normal circumstances but i didn't.

i couldn't.

pain

at this point in time, my neck muscle has tensed up and it hurts, my shoulders are screwing up again, especially my right shoulder, and my whole spine felt very uneasy. i supposed when one doesn't feel well psychologically, his whole body will feel fucked too.

damned!

i cannot cry

i had this gritty feeling in my eyes on-and-off since two months ago. added to that, i constantly feel thirsty, and i had dry and cracked lips. as a result, i kept biting my gums and inner cheeks that resulted in painful mouth ulcers. i asked my doctor friend about it and he said there could be several possible reasons behind it.

firstly, it could be due to a blockage to my tear ducts that contributed to my eye dryness. he said that it was unlikely due my contact lenses. more likely, he said, i could be suffering from an allergic reaction that resulted in the drying up of my lacrimal glands (tear glands). he said that to be really sure, i need to go through some tests...

well... we'll see. whatever the causes, it was weird. my eyes cannot tear consistently these days. sometimes, when i yawn, i tear like crazy, yet during other times, my eyes remain totally dry. they like as though i had just emerged from a long swim without goggles. similarly, i also realized that when i cry these days, my eyes stay very dry. and i cannot really tear. it is almost a case of cry until no tears!

hmmm...

weekends

i am wondering if i will start to get paranoid about weekends.

whenever weekend comes, i have to manage my mum and psycho her to let me get out of the house for a couple of hours with bee. and from my doctor friend, i am beginning to understand that to manage paranoid patients such as mum, i have to constantly use positive strokes and reassurances. it worked. but on the other hand, i end up having bee taking things personal. that i am not managing things well. that i am not giving him the attention. that...

the pattern is showing. when i can manage mum, i cannot manage bee. and when i can manage bee, i cannot manage mum. i am fucking tired.

and if this continues, i will definitely get afraid of weekends.

mirror mirror

i thought i could spend some quality time with bee after getting mum to agree not to watch the movie. and i booked tickets for the show mirror mirror. but it was fucking ironic that in my carelessness while reversing my car at the theatre car park, i crashed the side mirror into the pillar. the side mirror broke and fell off. well, so be it, what's done cannot be undone, no use crying over it. i accepted it. in fact, i didn't respond negatively to it. my immediate thought was - it was only a mirror, can be changed. after all, i was already so used to having my car crashed, scratched, scrapped, bangged etc. and even when others drive my car and had it scrapped, i took it all in stride. as long as no one got injured, all is ok. that was my thinking.

but what i totally didn't expect to happen was the sudden explosion by bee. he chided me for being careless (exact word - ru mang). i supposed it was a built-up to all the unspoken tensions in him. he had behaved most weirdly when i said i wanted to bring mum out for a show this afternoon. his whole body language changed. his tone of voice changed. his carried a frown on his face since then. and i believed the culmination of his tensions of me not giving him enough attention, of being more attentive to mum, of seemingly not sending her to the old folks home, etc contributed to this sudden explosion. sighs, i often wondered why he cannot understand me and how i am managing my mum.

fuck the mirror. fuck the mirror mirror. fuck the twenty over dollars of movie tickets. totally fucked up my mood for the evening. third fucked up weekend in a roll. and i thought i could have a good evening out with him.

excursion

mum had been feeling very frustrated with the constant inability to contact any of my siblings. and when she finally got to them, they would either cut short her conversation, and/ or raise their voice at her. and once a while when she suggested to visit them, they never fail to claim they are too busy and cannot meet her (i suspect they are ignoring her). and it gets a little sad to see her constantly pining to meet them and lamenting how she had put in her life's efforts to bring them up, and for them to treat her such... all these was made worst by my brother telling her last week that he acknowledges no other people other than his wife and daughter. i am sure he did not mean to include my mum but to her, she imagined the worst. since that conversation with him, she had been talking about it none stop. sighs.

today was extra bad for her cos she couldn't contact my brother and wanted to see my niece so much. and by mid-day, she was clearly slipping into one of her depressive moods again. so i decided to bring her out for an excursion. to try to cheer her up, i asked if she wanted to watch a show. she seemed rather enthusiastic and readily agreed. have not seen her so excited for a long time. but i told her i could only confirm later in the day after checking the show times. so, it was with no promises. and to keep her enthusiasm, i asked if she wanted to head out to jalan jalan. her face brightened up and said she had not gone to the temple for a while. and so that was it. it would be her day out to the temple. at kmspks, i was surprised by her insistence to want to climb the stairs to pay respect to buddha and to the late venerable who officiated her taking of refuge in buddhism. and after that, we went to bao guang. i supposed it was a good outing for her given her chattiness throughout the excursion.

after all the temple visits, she said she was hungry and wanted to snack. it had been a while since she asked for snacks. usually, it would be me asking her if she wanted to snack. in order not to kill her cheerfulness, i decide to make our way to the airport for some vegetarian prata and appum... la la la... well, you very much know how the day went for her. after all the visits, she eventually decided against watching a show. i supposed she has her own reasons other than the fact that it would be a late show (the show starts at 9.45pm). but overall, i think it was a good day out. her day ended on a high note when my sis-in-law called and asked my niece to chat with her...

:-)

tensions

constant tensions balancing between giving mum and bee the attentions they both need. jealousy knows no logic. sometimes, i do not know how to manage.

and i certainly do not want to be forced to choose one or the other.

vesak preparations

once again, i will be observing my annual discipline to be vegetarian for 15 days from today as part of my preparations for vesak. and come next week, i will again shave bald/ cut my hair very short. need to remind myself not be attached to vanity.

phones

had problems with my bb curve (picture below) and got it changed today to a bb bold (picture above). need a couple more months before my company would change it to an iphone (for my company issued line). for now, well, bb it will be... then again, for my own personal line, i only need to wait a week plus more to reach the end of my contract due date. should be able to change my phone once the contract expires! hmmm... wonder if i should get an android phone or an iphone... anyone any advice?

(i am so used to the bb i think i will take some moments before i get used to having an iphone)

lotto

ok, to have such a photo in a gay person's blog seemed totally out of place. but then again, i thought it is appropriate for what i am posting here. and, i don't usually put jokes in my blog, but i thought i should do it this one time cos it certainly brought a little smile to me on this otherwise boring sunday morning... enjoy!

a blonde finds herself in serious trouble. her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. she's so desperate that she decides to ask the good lord for help.

she begins to pray..."oh good lord, please help me. i've lost my business and if I don't get some money, i'm going to sell my car. please let me win the lotto".

lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

with no where to go, and her business going bust, she had to sell her car to pay her debts. and once again, she decided to seek the good lord for help and again she prays... "oh good lord, please let me win the lotto! i've lost my business and my car. and if you still don't help me, i'm going to lose my house as well."

lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

resigned, she has no choice but to mortgage her house. yet her debts could not be resolved, and once again, she turned to the good lord. and she prays. "oh my good lord, why have you forsaken me? i've lost my business, my house, and my car. my children are starving. i don't often ask you for help, and i have always been a good servant to you. please let me win the lotto just this one time so i can get my life back in order."

suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. the blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of god himself... "sweetheart, work with me on this... buy a ticket."

picture from http://sesshumo.blogspot.com/2011/08/blog-post.html

cunts for sale

oooo... ntuc fairprice selling 3 young cunts for $2.60!

and oh, they come chilled & with pulp too!

:-)

time to go

my immediate boss resigned yesterday. he told me he has decided to move on and that he has more than enough of nonsense from the top management. and not too long after, my big boss (my immediate boss's boss) called me up to his office to tell me that since i am sick and i have a sick mother, i need to find a robust solution and i need to be fair to the company. he said that he cannot not squeeze me if he is squeezing other business unit heads just becos i am not well. and he said i need to be truthful to myself and added that if i cannot drive a big car, i should consider driving a smaller car or don't drive a car.

what do you make out of his sentences? frankly when he said what he said, i didn't know how to respond. i was shocked. first and foremost, it didn't sound like it was a human speaking. secondly, he was in no position to understand what i am going through. thirdly, i have been more than fair to the company and have put in more than my fair share of work. and although objectively speaking, his sentences sound logical, his tone did not. how could anyone be giving advices if his voice was raised and he talked like as though he was scolding you.

putting together his overall body posture, the words he used, tone of his voice, and the non-verbal body language, if i think i understood what he was saying, it is perhaps high time i look for a new job. i find it very difficult to accept these sentences from a top management after i have given in so much to the company. so much for having care are part of the core value! very disturbing. and totally bullshit! then again, no point getting emo over such things. time to move on?

any thoughts?

黄昏

黄昏 - 周传雄

过完整个夏天
忧伤并没有好一些
开车行驶在公路无际无边
有离开自己的感觉

唱不完一首歌
疲倦还剩下黑眼圈
感情的世界伤害在所难免
黄昏再美终要黑夜

依然记得从你口中说出再现坚决如铁
昏暗中有种烈日灼身的错觉
黄昏的地平线
划出一句离别
爱情进入永夜

依然记得从你眼中滑落的泪伤心欲绝
混乱中有种热泪烧伤的错觉
黄昏的地平线
割断幸福喜悦
相爱已经幻灭

mourn

just wondering... who will mourn for me when and if i die...

太想愛妳

wow! have almost forgotten this song!

forever enjoy 張信哲 / jeff chang's songs!

太想愛妳

慌亂城市中
連風都不自由
熱鬧的街頭
就屬我最寂寞
是愛的蠱惑
讓我又興起貪求的念頭
有多愛我
夠不夠久
會不會走

藏在柔順背後
你忠於自我
情愛裡遊走
從不曾見你低頭
我卻常犯錯
像一個太忙太累太傻的陀螺
轉個不休
只放不收
停不了手

太想愛你是我壓抑不了的念頭
想要全面佔領你的喜怒哀愁
你已征服了我
卻還不屬於我
叫我如何不去猜測你在想甚麼

太想愛你是我壓抑不了的折磨
能否請你不要不要選擇閃躲
只想愛你的我
太想愛你的我
難道只能在迷霧中猜你的輪廓

and here's a combination of 3 of my favourites from jeff chang.

太想愛你+過火+別怕我傷心



愛如潮水



:-)

你怎么舍得我难过

this next one is the ending of the gay movie 藍宇..

another nice song... but the production was so doh!... lolx!

对你的思念是一天又一天,
孤单的我还是没有改变,
美丽的梦何时才能出现,
亲爱的你好想再见你一面.

秋天的风一阵阵地吹过,
想起了去年的这个时候,
你的心到底在想些什么,
为什么留下这个结局让我承受.

最爱你的人是我,
你怎么舍得我难过,
在我最需要你的时候
没有一句话就走,

最爱你的人是我,
你怎么舍得我难过,
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过.

irony

the irony of many gays is that they are not gay at all...

sleep

sleep can be an escape.

in fact, it can be a very good escape.

i slept the whole day today.

沧海一声笑

one of those few rare songs sung by some of the giants in the scene.

this one by 黄沾 徐克 罗大佑... very nice!

enjoy!

凡人歌

have always enjoyed songs by 李宗盛. this is a good example of the kinda songs he used to sing. very real, very relevant to life. very different from the usual love love love love trash that every other father mother daughters & sons sing...

this is really what i call - quality song!

:-)

凡人歌

你我皆凡人　生在人世間　
終日奔波苦　一刻不得閒

(你)既然不是仙　難免有雜念　
道義放兩旁　(把)利字擺中間

多少男子漢　一怒為紅顏　
多少同林鳥　已成(了)分飛燕
人生何其短　何必苦苦戀　
愛人不見了　向誰去喊冤

問你何時曾看見　這世界為了人們改變
有了夢寐以求的容顏　是否就算是擁有春天

men in tights

the recent fracas with the malaysian authorities banning sdt's performance in kuala lumpur allegedly over indecent attires reminded me of an interesting and somewhat funny incident that occurred to me back in 2000. i had just joined sia as an executive overseeing product development in one of the divisions. at that time, i had the habit of chatting with eugene and munch (2 very good chat friends of mine at that time) over msn during office hours. well, of cos, we did not do it through the day la. rather, our chats usually occur during our lunch breaks.

now, i had a vp at that time that was a little effeminate and a little bit of a chub. however, becos of his height (man, he was a tall person at close to 1.9m) he didn't look too chubby. he was superbly fair and we gave him the nickname toufu. his routine during lunch was to head back home to eat his mother's cooking. he was, at that time in his 40s and was still single and many in office suspected he was gay. anyway, one of his pet habits, which was our pet peeve, was to creep up to a person from the back of his cubicle and stare at what we were doing on our computer screen.

so... i guess you know how the story would unfold... it went this way.

on one fine day, eugene, munch and i were chatting and the topic drifted to men in tights. our conversations went on and on about how men looked so sexy in tights, how their bulge would show and how some could look a little indecent. and we went on to talk about those men from ballet troupes... heh heh... and our chat went on and on and i didn't notice my vp behind my back. i really didn't know how long he stood here watching but i freaked out when i turned around and saw him... hahaha... i felt a little embarrassed, guilty and somewhat helpless. i just say hi, and gave him a little smile. and as for him, well... he just smiled at me and walked off...

till today, i still wonder if he was there during those parts of the chat when eugene sent me pictures of men in tights... hmmm...

heh heh...

picture from http://www.primabodywear.com/boutique/html/mens.html

fruit porridge

it's actually quite nice to eat mashed fruits. have been mashing a mixture of apples and carrots almost daily these couple of days. simply cut them into small pieces, throw them into the blender, add some ice water and blend them together. and walah! you get mashed fruit porridge. and yesterday, i did the same with apples, bananas and soursop. beautiful smooth consistency not unlike half melted yoghurt.

nice, fresh and without any trace of oil.

very healthy and refreshing.

:-)

m'sia bans glbt in arts scene

new twist reported on 7 apr, the malaysian authorities have been/ are being slammed for banning any performance that has effeminate persons, transexuals or anything that shows any linkage to anything glbts... goodness wonders if this has anything to do with the ban of sdt's performance.

sighs...

cry babies

i am not sure of the reason/s behind this observation, but certainly, i do find babies and kids of southern asians tend to be really loud cry babies. and i say so becos everywhere i go, whenever i hear kids scream, pout or cry, there would be a very very high chance that they are south asians...

anyone has similar observations?

picture from http://www.defence.pk/forums/members-club/127388-pakistani-child-receives-gift-indian-doctors-eid-3.html

随便

随便 - that is the most challenging 2 words in the mandarin vocab.

on one hand, it can be used when one wants to leave the flexibility of choice to the other person. yet, on the other hand it can give the other person maximum stress and negativity, especially when the other person also wants to give one the flexibility of choice...

scream

i sometimes wish i can just scream and scream and scream and just let all my pent up emotions out.

i do it when i drive sometimes, the last time being 2 weeks ago and i believe some passing-by cars probably think there's a mad man driving on the expressway.

picture from http://www.elfwood.com/~robinos/Scream.3165835.html

simple pleasures

one simple pleasure i have in life - soh tak pia with kaya and gu you... and of cos, with kopi-o.

robot

i am a helpless robot,



or at least that is what



i am supposed to be.



my whatsapp status reflects -



dead man walking.



picture from
http://teaser-trailer.com/wall-e-new-buynlarge-trailer-clip/

sleeping pills

i am having trouble sleeping and have started taking sleeping pills again. even then, i find myself falling asleep only at 1-2am, have disturbed sleep, wake up frequently in the middle of the night, and by 7.30am, i would be wide awake... eye bags and all.

my mind would be blank when i am awake, i dream when i sleep, yet i cannot remember what i dream. amidst all these, i have to constantly manage people around me, at work and at home. i feel very tired.

i slept most of my day today. how nice if I can sleep and not wake up...

alone

it is difficult to handle things in life alone when the person you are caring for is so consumed with the self and don't have anymore sense of security. yet, you cannot let the ball drop becos without that person, you will not exist in this world.

it is difficult to handle things in life alone when the person you have been with starts to not see things from your point of view. the sense of emotional support suddenly dries up and reinforces the loneliness of having to take care of the elderly.

it is difficult to balance things between two persons closest to you when one feels insecure and the other feels neglected/ jealous and both don't understand why you do what you did and instead choose to see things from their own angles. yet, you cannot let the ball drop becos both persons fulfil different aspects of your humanly needs.

and above all, it is difficult to have my own space cos whatever space i have has either been committed to both people most important to me or to my work.

above all these, i cannot not consider my responsilities to my daemon who has been beside me through the full 12 years of her life, watching me and supporting me emotionally.

i am so so tired and sometimes, i do just simply wish to relieve myself of all these worldly emotional attachments.

m'sia bans sdt

the local papers today reported that the malaysian government had banned an upcoming sold out singapore dance theatre's ballet performance in kuala lumpur on the 7 apr. and the reason cited by insiders - indecent costumes where men wear tights and women wear tutus...

when i first read it, i was like what-the-.... it is getting a little too much if you ask me. this is the third year running where the dance theatre is staging a performance and there had never been any problems previously. added to this, the whole logic of indecency is illogical considering tights and tutus have been worn since the 1800s by ballet troups the world over.

then again, when i look it from the malaysian's point of view, i can only conclude one thing - the malaysian general election is round the corner and some political body (we all know who) are trying to use this opportunity to ramp up and win some brownie points to get support from the local religious conservatives. and this is important as the conservative/ opposition parties won quite a windfall in the last elections and it is wise to take a conservative stance before accusations start flying again. this is especially so in malaysia where religious fundamentals are always quick to accuse other parties about being non-religious.

the arts is a victim of politics as i see it...

it's a sad sad day. for the arts scene in malaysia, and for malaysians as a whole. then again, who am i to comment... i am not malaysian.

sighs...

but come to think of it, it would be so interesting to see ballet dancers wearing full body baju kurongs and tudungs... or better still, in full middle eastern burqas. probably see them tripping all over the stage... haha...

picture from http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_785453.html

afternote 1: a minister clarified 6 apr that no license was granted becos of an admin lapse on the part of their local co-organiser and that they have approved the license yesterday (altho the organisers swear blind they did). hmmm... approved on 5 apr expect performance to start on 7 apr. and everyone is still in singapore. haha... what a joke. well... the cynical side of me still wonders how much of what was explained is true, now that the spotlight has been switched on and the results of political brownie points achieved.

afternote 2: new twist reported on 7 apr, the malaysian authorities have been/ are being slammed for banning any performance that has effeminate persons, transexuals or anything that shows any linkage to anything glbts... goodness wonders if this has anything to do with the ban of sdt's performance.

stiff & soft

my forgetfulness will one day embarrass me. today is a good example. i smsed bee "how are you feeling" as he had earlier said his neck hurts... he did not reply and i brought sapphie out for her routine evening pee. and as usual, i deleted my sms as is my habit not to have any smses in my phone. as i walked her, i checked my sms and i noted a reply. it came from bee. and it read "still stiff". took me a short moment to realize what he meant by "still stiff". and i replied, "i am soft"... hahahahaha! of cos, i meant my neck. ya?

:-)