jai ho

bought the cd on saturday. and till now, the song is still ringing in my head...

bmi

the inaccurate weighing machine registered my weight as 5kg above what i usually get from my home scale. wtf! and just as i was about to lodge a protest, the height ruler registered my height as 5cm above my usual height. well, no complains...

i passed my bmi.

:-)

blah

why must my weekend end this way?

sun-lightning-rain

sunday.

the sun shined.
it scorched and burned the tender skin.

the lightnings flashed.
it scared the shit of out ppl walking in the open.

the sky poured.
it rained cats and dogs.

fort road.

:-|

picture from http://kim-thenextphase.blogspot.sg/2011/05/right-to-bare.html

earth hour?

it came. it went. too commercialised. the candles and all. think the event might have ended up with even more co2 being released in the atmosphere. well... the following are some things that can be done and that would be more effective than switching off of an hour of lights:

public roads

• for new public roads, space out the street lights more
• for existing major roads, switch off alternate street lights
• for existing old ulu roads (eg lim chu kang), use reflectors.
• for shopping belts eg orchard road, bugis junction, co-ordinate with the shopping centers. think they are bright enough, no further street lights needed
  

public housing areas

• switch off half the hdb corridor lights
• use energy saving bulbs for all public areas such as playground, void decks, etc
  

public buildings

• legislate all public buildings to switch off their facade lights after midnight
• do the same for all major hotels and buildings, and of cos, the singapore flyer

... think there are many more things that can be done... anyway, for me, i did not observe earth hour. for me, energy conservation is a habit, a way of life. not something that can be achieved in just one hour.

then again, considering i am probably one of the few out of the 4-plus million people in this little red dot, i guessed the awareness it raised was a good thing.

emg's & nerve conduction tests

went for my emg and nerve conduction test on friday. the conduction test was kinda interesting. a lot of twitching of my hands due to the electric current being made to pass through my nerves. a little painful but otherwise, manageable. the really painful one was the emg. it involved poking needles into my muscles to check the impulses sent by my nerves. and it was so bloody painful. in all, the doctor pierced me 4 times - my thumb area, my elbow, my arm, my neck.

the whole procedure took about 45min. and by the time it was over, i had broken into cold sweat. but well, the good thing was that the doctor told me my nerves seemed pretty ok and that the numbness i felt in my little finger was probably due to my sleeping posture. and for now, it doesn't seemed like it was due to the cervical spondylosis. and that means, no need for op.

then again, i will have to go back to the specialist to confirm this findings.

:-)

life

what is your purpose in life?

funny name

yesterday, bee bee and i went shopping at suntec. i went to the washroom and there was this sign that tells users who the cleaner was. and when i looked at the name, i knew straight away the person was from mainland china. it was spelt in hanyu pinyin, and i could pronounce it just the way it was meant to be in mandarin...

a while later, i thought about it again and when i tried to imagine how a caucasian would read it and i laughed...

the name was "wang dan dan"

:-)

fatty bom bom

just today alone, chanced upon two persons and both had the same first reaction! they both looked at me, (momentary dead silence), eyes wide open, (momentary dead silence), mouth in an "o" shape, (momentary dead silence), and then exclaimed how fat i have become...

(ok, ok, i have dramatised it a bit... but you get the idea!)

wtf! arghhhhh! think i need to think of ways to cut down again!

:-(

my son!

just came back from dinner with bee bee and while walking towards the lift, i met one of my very friendly upstair auntie-neighbour and her husband. she was walking with a limp. and naturally i asked if she had injured herself. some loose talk followed... and we went into the lift. she, her husband, bee bee and i. for a while, it was quiet. and then out of no where, she exclaimed: "wah... your son so big huh?"

@@$&^%#$@%knnbccb!^$&%(*^knnbpcb!$&*(*%&^@#! this is the second time in my 4 years with bee bee that people thought he was my son! the first time was at the bank... sighs! i was caught totally off guard. i replied... er... no la, he is not my son. but my niece is about this big. she's in the uni... sensing her blunder, she muttered a soft oops!

it was just so nice that the lift reached my floor at that time. we hurriedly ran out! bloody hell! and bee bee is still laughing now!!!

:-|

for dan

raffles hotel, friday evening
birthday dinner, buffet
sumptuous spread, wonderful food
10 guys, 1 lady
all beautiful people.

the food nourished us
the conversation flowed

of relationships
of men, of women
of tops, of bottoms
the girl, the boy
of life experiences.

different perspectives, different experiences
but one conversation

"it's not about top or bottom"
"it's not just about sex"
"it's not about how old the other party is"
"it's about communications"
"it's about adapting and accommodating"
"it's about connection"

i presented myself in the lines i spoke
i saw myself in the lines that was shared

very common lines, very cliched lines
yet, i saw knowing nods
i sensed silent agreements
i saw the little glitters in everyone's eyes
those who spoke, spoke. those who were silent, we heard them too.

we indulged in each other's company
and the lines between strangers blurred

and all too soon, we were reminded again
that it was a special occasion, for our special friend
birthday cake, birthday song
perfume, aftershave, beautiful bowls, wonder woman!
happy birthday dan!

niece

my niece moved in 3 days ago. will be staying with me for a month. until her exams are over. she studies through the nite. and whenever she moves in and out of the room, i will wake up... deja vu. so similar to the times when my parents were with me...

4 months plus more...

did a quick calculation and realised that i have about 4 months plus before leaving my organisation... on the bright side, freedom. not that i will start to start to indulge myself in all sorts of wild orgies, etc. rather, it's the whole idea that i will not feel as tho my every moves are being monitored (altho i am quite certain they do it sometimes). so for now, i am like a bird in an imaginary cage. on the negative side, financial burdens to worry... but i am certain that i want to leave. rather be a poor but free bird than one that is constantly under mental stress.

looking forward to it, yet not looking forward to it...

:-|

ps: from facebook countdown, it's 130days to go...

lexulous

have recently been playing lots of lexulous with damien in facebook. it's a revised version of scrabulous. after playing so many games, i can only conclude that while luck has a small part to play, to win the game, strategy is of utmost importance.

here's some thoughts. (1) control the game. it is not necessary to lead decisively all the times, at times let your opponent lead. but when you do so, make sure he is only marginally ahead, (2) plan ahead. always have alternate solutions one to two steps ahead. at times you may even need to count the number of tiles left and assess what your opponents' tiles are, (3) shape the game to your advantage. always play in such a way that you deny him the double/ triple word scores. go for the double/ triple word scores yourself and if you can, shape it such that your opponent place his tiles for you to leverage it to your advantage. to get the double/ triple word scores, you might have to bait him by giving the double/ triple letter scores, (4) keep your opponent motivated. at times, even when you have the chance to widen the gap, refrain. keep the tension. let him think he is catching up. too big a gap demotivates your opponent, (5) when you kill, do it decisively. otherwise, make sure your opponent has an outlet. always place enough tiles to let your opponent play the next step, never corner him. if you want to corner him, do it to kill.

and reflecting on this, many of the strategies are also applicable in one's daily life. yes? no?

:-)

ps: everything said above do not apply if the sole motivation of playing is "just to have fun"... and i have a friend who enters a game simply to do that... and usually, after a few steps, he will stop playing!

nuah day...

i am on off today and tomorrow. and today was a nuah (idle) day... well, at least for the first two hour of the day. decided to hit the gym for a half-hour run before bringing mum out for lunch and a walk-about at ikea. and it was a meaningful day too.

to walk around ikea would perhaps be quite routine to many of us. but for mum, getting out of the house itself would be a chore. she had to put in lots of effort just to get out of the house. i have asked her whether she felt bored staying home daily, waiting for the nite, sleeping, waking up,... and the cycle repeats itself; and she replied that she had been so used to it that it didn't feel boring already. hmmm, from my perspective, this in itself was quite sad... but i guessed between pain and this, boredom is the better choice... so i decided to drag her out of the house today. and i thought it was all worth it. it broke her daily routine of staying at home.

i was glad i brought her out. it was a simple trip. 3hrs long. and although she complained of the pain and the effort needed, i could see she enjoyed it.

:-)

good weekend

it was a good and well spend weekend with bee bee and friends.

bathed sapphie. watched a play on sat night by senior citizen at the necessary stage at the marine parade community club. and i must say that the performers really put up a very very good performance. enjoyed it lots. met up with schneider and lay pheng for dinner and drinks. and ended the day with prayers at the loyang tua pek gong. and today, i visited my mum. short visit. but we had a very good chat. had the opportunity to talk to her about things in general, about her health, about my health, about end of life. managed to talked about it with her. and she said she was not afraid of death. it's good to be able to engage her in such seemingly taboo topic. want to make her comfortable to talk about it. also, visited asian civilisation museum and caught the kangxi exhibits with bee, lay pheng and her 2 sons. very beautifully displayed. grand. deserving of someone who, till today, was the longest reigning emperor of china. and shopping plus dinner at leisure drome park felt so different and family-like with 2 kids running around!

ah... what more can i ask?!

:-)

another eyeless one...

it's so disturbing!

this evening, i discovered that one more of my goldfish had his (or perhaps her) eye gorged out! it's the second one within a fortnight!

and i am very sure which one did it!

arghhh!

to answer or not?

recently, i noted there were quite a few postings in the internet about why the saf regular doctor killed himself. and posted in many of these forums were an email that was allegedly written by the doctor before he killed himself. in the letter, he described how he regretted signing on and how he had gone awol to escape his unhappiness at work... and so on. and today, i received a similar mail from a doctor friend of mine. the mail also had an attachment showing this doctor's farewell letter. i must say that the content of this letter is not the same as that i saw in the forum. perhaps 80% identical.

whatever the case, i do note that there was a seemingly large outcry by lots of forum readers about how the government should investigate and how saf should answer for the death of the doctor and so on...

it was interesting. i don't want to pass any judgment, but i do think that killing oneself becos of unhappiness in a job is not a very wise thing to do. and since he had signed the contract, it was perhaps not a very appropriate thing to blame the saf (or for that matter, any organisation) for his unhappiness. he should not have gone awol. he should not have killed himself. irresponsible. totally stupid. rash. then again, i supposed when one is in a stressed up state, suicide could possibly be one most logical answer. sighs... and i know... cos i had been thru that... it's sad.

and no, i do not think the saf or the government need to answer for it.

validation, smile

i received a mail from bs with a hyperlink to this little short film. he said it will make me smile. it did. and i do also want to add - it made me tear a little bit. in my reply to him, i mentioned something along the line that i do not think i have smiled from my heart for some time.

and this short film made me smile. from my heart.

thanks my friend.

:-)

tea with pauline

i had an interesting conversation with pauline this week. i had skipped my lunch to do an interview with one of my student. and decided to go to the canteen for a late lunch. and i asked pauline to join me... have known her since 1986 and have been keeping contact with her. and she now is my hr manager :-)

anyway, as i ate, we starting speaking about my job, my way ahead, my health etc... pauline has all these while been asking about what i intend to do after i leave my organisation in aug this year. and she suggested for me to consider getting my operations done (if indeed i need one) before i leave. but what caught be a little off was when she said: "do you know that you look very tired?" ... "and it's not the tired tired kinda of tired, rather, your eyes seemed so lifeless these days. so unlike you previously"... "perhaps you should start your facial programme again"...

hmmm, is that so? and why? perhaps the reasons are the same as that when i posted about my being in some sort of mid-life crisis recently?

i am still wondering...

:-|

happier estate

my changi green estate is getting happier. just today, one more gay couple moved in. so, that makes 3 of us. or at least those that i know - me (& bee), my immediate neighbours, and one more across the pool.

and how do i know? well, they are having a housewarming today and there are lots of male guests! some carrying flowers, some carrying bottles of wine, some carrying gifts... and all dressed to the nines!

:-)

nice! welcome!

patches

one of my earliest favourite song. from 1968. heard it went i was a small boy and have loved it since... listening to it again really brought back all my childhood memories...

:-)

of dead squirrels...

last week, as i was driving out my office compound, i noted a small squirrel lying on the road. i avoided it and continued. my conscience however did not allow me to go further and a short distance later, i stopped my car, reversed and went back to the squirrel.

it looked very peaceful. all curled up, soft and very cuddly. very similar to those baby photos by anne geddes. only that this squirrel was dead. it was the second squirrel i had encountered in my office compound to have died on the road. the first time, the squirrel was ran over by a car and it's head half smashed. this time round, the squirrel looked perfectly fine except for a small drop of blood on it's mouth. it was after a rain and i suspected it might have fallen off the tree after missing its step. whatever the case, it was a sad sight. i picked it up, but was half worried that it might be still alive. its body was still soft, telling me that it had perhaps just died not too long ago. hurriedly, i placed it on the grass patch beside the road and i drove home.

i seemed to have the habit of bumping into dead animals...

ineffective splints

went for my rehab review today. had the splint remelted and remoulded to fit my arms again. accordingly, since my using the splint, my arms have weakened further. and today, when i try to push my little finger against one another, the left one collapse. the rehab specialist couldn't sensemake why this happened given that the splint was suppose to alleviate the nerves being pressed.

anyway, she remoulded the splint again, asked me to try it on for a few more nights. and she wrote a memo to the specialist. will be heading for my nerve conduction test next month and then to see the specialist after that...

...

conversations

had been exchanging smses with khoon seng earlier and will capture some of my thoughts here. our conversation went around many issues but there were a few that made me think a bit more. here's some...

• would you consider meeting up with your college friends whom you have lost contact more than 20 yrs ago? for me, a definite no. personally, i am not one to socialize. not very good at it and not one to enjoy such gatherings. and certainly, i do not want to end up joining a group of click who have their own depth of interactions. i may at best be treated with high levels of courtesy and pleasantries and at worst be seen to be an intruder. i've had my fair share of negative experience in this area. and whichever way, given my tendency towards intraversion, i am sure i will end up sitting at one corner trying to fit in. very uncomfortable. very unnatural feeling.
  

• he related how his neighbour had recently died and left behind 2 kids. he asked if i would consider adoption? my reply - gays are lesser human beings in singapore. even if want to, i can't. and i do really love kids! not in singapore. and if i may add on - in the eyes of the gahman here, being gay, i am not able to provide a `typical' family nucleus unit defined by a `father and a mother'. and if i may add, being gay, i am pre-judged to be immoral and that i am unable to therefore provide for a value-based growing environment of any child given my sexuality.

• he shared with me his thoughts about the kids and how death is a sad thing to happen. i agreed but frankly, i told him i am rather numbed about death already. yes, facing death is a very humbling experience. the first time might be rather upsetting and unsettling. but having personally stared at death pointblank a couple of times in recent years and seeing my dad, aunts, cousins, relatives, and a few of my friends, all one-by-one leaving me recently, i have been somewhat numbed by it. then again, i have come to deeply appreciate the transient nature of life. am not afraid of death. without death, life has no meaning. i have come to accept it.

it's interesting how my conversations with khoon seng always stretches on and on. it seemed like a very natural thing to do and at times, i suspect we both either do not know how to end or do not want to be the initiator to terminate the conversation if given a choice. whatever the case, it is good to be able to engage in a conversation with him, albeit via smses...

useless reflections

woke up at 6.15am, brought the dog to pee/ shit 6.20am, changed up 6.30am, leave house 6.35am... routine enough. in the lift, met one of my neighbours who lived upstairs. he was a stout fellow. he was wearing his swimming shorts. topless. towel draped over his shoulder. obviously heading to the condo pool for a swim. had never spoke w him. at most, nodded my head once or twice in the 11 years i lived here. and out of no where he ask: "how come you are going to work now? aren't u too early?" "you guys start work at 8 right?" and he gave me an inquisitive look (not much different from how sapphie would tilt her head when i talk to her and/ or when she is curious)...

i gave him a smile and answered: "well, i think i am a little late. but, well, i usually start work at 7.30am..." my reply made him a little more curious. but that was all the conversation we had. just enough to last the 15-over seconds of time for the lift to reach ground floor. we bade each other farewell and went our separate ways...

well, reflecting, his questions took me aback for that split second. and i guessed my unexpected reply gave him a little something to think about too... perhaps it's cos we have never spoken. perhaps it's our difference in mental models. going to work early? or was it just routine? should i have just smiled? or should i just tell him, "ya, i am early"... it got me thinking. people see me/ us (civil servants) when i/ we return early sometimes. but people don't see me/ us when i/ we go to work early all the time. could this perhaps shape how some people see us sometimes? could this have contributed to some peoples' negative perception of us? or how some people has the perception that civil servants are always very free?... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... then again, i am not here to convince him of anything. it's just one of the meeting by chance thingee... heh heh...

well... one of my non-stop useless reflections on a monday morning while sitting in the audit and listening to a lecture going on and on and on about politics, social, economic dimensions of inter-state relations... zzzzzzz...

:-)

departures

just watched the show "departures" with bee earlier. we were both so moved by so many scenes. in this one show, the director managed to layer it with so many different aspects of the japanese society and show us the different ways a person can die; what it means to die in a most dignified manner; the emotions that different family would exhibit when someone close dies; and the deceased range from lonely old woman dead for two weeks, small boy, old man, transvestite, old lady, father, grandfather, mothers, daughter/son, and so on; and at the same time, the life story of the male lead and how he eventually find closure in his one single most traumatic chapter of his life - losing his dad... it was amazing! at times, we didn't know whether to laugh or to cry and at times, we laugh and cry at the same time! and of cos, i enjoyed the little details such as how the japanese would stick two chopsticks vertically - very similar to the chinese taoist practises!

thoroughly enjoyed the show. excellent end to the week!

:-)

3 died

of the nine goldfishes, 3 finally died yesterday afternoon. and they were the largest of the 9. it was sad. it was not intentional. i poured in the potassium permanganate with the intent to cure the fishes of white spots... and ending up with 3 dead. the tank look a lot more spacious after removing the 3 dead fishes.

sighs...

potassium permanganate

omg! i think i might have poisoned my goldfishes when i added too much potassium permanganate into the water!

i decided to clean the fish tank and change the water earlier. and placed all my 9 gold fishes into a pail. and becos quite a few showed signs of white spots, i decided to drop some potassium permanganate solution into the pail as i prceeded to wash the tank... 10 minutes later, i noticed a few of the goldfishes floating upside down and swimming weakly... i quickly transferred them back to the tank... and it's been more than 2 hours, and they all still looked v sad and not as active. and the 3 larger ones are still upside down! and hmmm, nearly all of them have brownish lips... signs of oxidation caused by the potassium permanganate solution!

arghhhh!!!

mid-life crisis?

of late, i've been feeling rather off... at times, very aimless. at times, very depressed.

it seemed like life has no meaning. everything seemed so very bland. am not sure what is/ are the reasons behind this feeling, but i think it might possibly be a combination of everything that have happened in my life over the past year and those things that will be happening to me in the immediate future... my dad's passing away, my mum's moving out of the place, new challenges in the new academic year, impending career change, deteriorating health issues, new routines for bee bee and i, new taskings at work, gloomy global outlook, bombings and killings every where, people commiting suicides, murders... it all seemed to pile up one after another.

so can i say what i am experiencing is mid life crisis? or is this simple a case of recession depression syndrome?

haiz...

she's the man!!!

my usual mental model was that dads are stricter with their sons while mummies tend to be stricter with their daughters. until this afternoon.

was doing my laundry this afternoon when i heard a woman shouting... i looked down and there across my unit was this lady and her son in the bedroom. her son was sitting quietly by the window while the lady was pointing and waving furiously as she shouted. she was lecturing her son. and she was so fierce! from her words, i concluded that her son had threw tantrums at her and she had to make sure she put him in his proper place before he climbed over her...

and some of the words and phrases she used were really horrible. she went something like "who are you to throw tantrums at me? you are bloody nothing in this house!", "your daddy and i worked so hard to let you study and here you are, throwing tantrums at me!", "how much do you bring home? nothing! you are nothing! and you dare to throw tantrums at me!", la la la... it went on and on and on non-stop for at least 10 minutes. and all these while, her son sat quietly by the window.

hmmm, i am a strong advocate of disciplining the child when he/ she errs. and i often felt dismayed when i see parents doting on their kids to the extend as to allow them to climb over their heads. you see it in shopping centers, you see it in the heartlands, you see it in the condo, you see it everywhere! so over the past months, whenever i witness the lady scold her son, i would think to myself that this lady ought to be congratulated for doing so, for i strongly believe that when you spare the rod, you spoil the kid. but i couldn't help but feel that this time round, the lady had perhaps gone a little off tangent. putting him down in such a manner can be very damaging to the child's dignity.

anyway, i walked out to the living room after that. moments later, i went back to the kitchen. i saw the son still seated by the window. and in the room, the daddy was mopping the floor quietly. heh heh... i laughed to myself. the sight broke my mental model. it was interesting. all these while, i thought the mummy had always been disciplining the child becos the daddy was not home. but what i saw today told me that well... in this family, perhaps it's the mummy who's wearing the pants!

you go girl!

:-)

eye socket...

i was clearing my house earlier today and decided to change half my fish tank of water. and when i took a closer look at my goldfishes, one of them had apparently lost an eye... what i saw was only an empty eye socket on one side. despite this, it was still swimming happily in the water. up and down up and down. hmmm... this particular one had a bloodshot eye all along. but never did i expect the eye to disappear! and looking at the very clean eye socket, it seemed like it's eye must have been pulled out or sucked out! i think it must have been attacked and the eye eaten by one of the other naughty bully... and i think i know who did it! haiz...

poor goldfish, now a one-eyed jack. swimming lopsidedly.

wonder if it felt the pain?

sad sight whatever the case...

:-(

disturbing search

i just went into the blog monitor and found someone being referred to this blog after doing a search on yahoo search. and what disturbed me was the fact that the keywords that person used to search was "girls being chloroformed to sleep"... now, if my assumptions are right about the intent of this person, i think the authorities ought to focus their attentions on such perverts out there rather than go about charging glbts who have consensual sex...

hmmm... my left hand column speaking again...

:-)

2nd cousin's wedding

will be attending my 2nd cousin's wedding tomorrow. my dad's cousin's son. will be representing my family again. and i am sure the questions gonna come fast and furious again - "how much you earning har?", "wah... i heard you very capable leh, must be very very high up hor?", "must be earning tens of thousands of dollars right?", "right?" "right?", "wah piang eh... now so-and-so married liao, when is your turn ha? i wait very long to drink your tea liao leh!" la la la...

used to be stressed by all these questions. but now, i find them boring... reflects on them more than anything else. mind sets. money minded. older generation thinking. and usually, my standard answer would be equally auntie. i'll go something like "aiyah, don't worry la, when it happens, sure invite you one la" and sometimes, i wish i could just complete my sentence and go "only worry that by that time, you would be dead..."

evil me...

anyway... i think i'll just enjoy the food...

whew...

been a tiring week. and i am so glad it is friday!

my left lower eyelid have been twitching like crazy past 2 days. accordingly, twitching left eyelids is a sign of bad things coming. but shall not be superstitious about it. think i am just simply too tired from the disturbed sleep and work stress.

anyway, i am glad the weekend is here...

of dog poo... again...

darn! spent some time writing this post and lost everything when i did the formating... here i go again...

it's about sapphie. altho i have blogged about it before, i am pretty sure now that she's entering a new phase in life. a phase call old age. and i am saying this cos of what i observed recently and what happened yesterday. it's about her poo again... ya, have written about her poo before, but that was more about poo test for her when she was a puppy... hmm, that seemed not too long ago. or was it?...

anyway...

you see, all these years, whenever i brought sapphie out to the fields for her walks, she would clear her bowels at most twice. but in recent weeks, this frequency has increased to some 5-6 times. and even then, the nett volume was much more. and this was surprising cos i have not increased her food intake significantly. i had not placed too much worry on these observations nonethless. until yesterday...

last evening, i was quietly clearing my emails in the room when bee bee, who was in the living room watching dvd, shouted out and asked if i had farted or was shitting. i answered no. and sensing something really wrong, i walked out. i suspected sapphie. and when i walked into the living room, and lo and behold, there was a pile of dog poo on the floor. still fresh and warm. and at one corner of the room, stood sapphie. ears drooped, eyes looking guilty and fearful and tail wagging cautiously. she knew she had done something wrong.

but i know sapphie well enough. if she had pooed at home, it could only be that she could not control anymore. i told bee bee to quickly bring her downstairs to complete her business. and true enough, bee bee told me she sped off to the spot to poo once the lift door opened. she came upstairs and quickly settled into her favourite spot under the table to rest. half hour later, sensing her need to poo again, i brought her down again. and whoh! again, she sped off to her favourite spot and started pooing.

and this morning, while i took her downstairs to poo again, i noted that the lift landing had a few pieces of dog poo too. they were dried poo and i could only conclude that they were sapphie's. that she could poo while running could only mean that she is full of shit...

and yes, i think i can finally say - she is an old dog now.

ps: oh, i have not asked bee bee how come he thinks i could emit such powerful farts or that my shit could possibly smell like dogshit (!!!). perhaps, i could only say that he has not come into contact with dog shit to fully understand how it smell like! heh heh...

2nd nite

managed to sleep thru the nite with the splint on. but it was a badly disturbed sleep. nonetheless, i made it thru the night! just need to get use to it i guess!

i am so tired now... and my arms feel rather sore and stiff too. the weekend is still 48 hrs away!

argh!

:-)

my first night

last night was the first nite i slept with my splint (arm plastic cast) on. both arms. it was meant to help manage my nerve impingement at my elbow. to put them on, i had to seek bee bee's help cos it was rather impossible to strap on the other arm once i had one arm strapped on. and so, with some difficulty and a lot of laughter, i had both strapped onto my arms. and as i laid down on my bed, i began to understand the problems i will face. it came one after another.

firstly, with both arms immobilized, i could not cover myself with my blanket well. you see, i am a fussy sleeper. i sleep with my blanket neatly tugged over my shoulder and under my chin. and to do so, bee bee had to help me pulled the blanket up. then when i got sufficiently comfortable, i started yawning. needless to say, with the yawn came the tears... alamak! i couldn't wipe my tears as it flowed down my nose. it was so uncomfortable. it was so ticklish. and bee bee came to my rescue. he wiped my tears away. and then, i yawned again. and i teared again... haiz... i am a left-hand side sleeper - that is - i sleep best on my left side. but after a while, ever so frequently, i needed to turn to my right. and i found myself having to lift up my seemingly long and unbendable arms and swung them over me! that would have been no issue if i had the bed to myself. but as bee bee was beside me, my arm swinging act resulted in them resting onto his chest. and i ended up lying in an awkward position. a position that was neither left, neither right, neither supine and neither prone. it was a 270 degree position if you can visualize the physical position i was in. and i was then forced to turn back to my left side... these movements ended with my blanket getting undone and my shoulder exposed. hmmmm... seemingly simple things in life but taken for granted.

tsk tsk tsk... and so with lotsa difficulties (but lotsa laughters too), i eventually fell asleep. but less than 2hrs later, i woke up again. now, i found my hands numbed... such troubles! in the end, i took off the splint and decided to sleep without them.

well, 2hrs for the first night. that should be a good enough duration. will see how i can slowly adapt to it...

:-)

further tests

following the mri scan couple of weeks ago, i finally got to see the specialist today. what the specialist told me was very much similar to what kl told me last week, and more. the mri scan was ordered given my increasing complains about my stiff neck as well as the tingling sensation and numbness at my last fingers on both hands. the specialist made me do some simple moves (such as pressing my last fingers against one another, using my thumbs to hold a piece of paper, etc)... and i was told that the multiple spurs do not seemed to be sufficiently serious to warrant surgery yet. however, what caught me by surprise was her explanation to me that although the spurs on my cervical bones are not that serious yet, there are also signs that my elbows are also impinging my nerves on both arms.

this had aggravated the spur problem and worsened the numbness on my fingers. so, for the meantime, to manage my cervical bones, it's more intensive physio, traction, medication (to lower the inflammation and muscle relaxants. and as for my elbow, i was referred to the rehabilitation center to get 2 casts made. the casts are meant to prevent my elbows from bending when i sleep and i will have to wear these casts before retiring to bed nightly. and thru the day, i had also been advised to minimise bending my elbows and that means minimise using keyboards, minimise putting my hands on the table... la la la... in addition, further tests have been ordered two months time to determine the extend to which my nerves have been affected and whether the neck or the elbow were the main cause of the pain/ numbness.

hmmm, my coming nights will be interesting. sleeping with straightened arms, much similar to robots...

heh heh...

ps: jokes aside, the specialist also said something quite worrying - that i should do my utmost to avoid sudden jerk to my neck cos she noted that i have a case of thick tissues in my spinal canal and this had made my spinal canal rather small. together with the spurs and the tightness, it is rather easy for my neck to snap when i experience a sudden jerk... and when such a thing happen, i will become paralyze neck down...

dearly departed...

over the weekend, i was again reminded of the fragility of life and the closeness of death. you see, yesterday, i visited my mum (after the visit to the columbarium) and as i was making my way home, the traffic advance warning board on kje reads "pie... massive jam..." or something to that effect. with the early warning, i took the tpe route home instead.

in the afternoon, i received an sms from an friend of mine telling me that his coursemate had died in a motorbike mishap. and from the facebook status update of another one of their coursemate, i realised that the jam that i had earlier avoided was the one that killed him. accordingly, he had only recently lamented that owning a car was too expensive these days and had just bought the bike as a birthday present for himself last week. he had only celebrated his birthday couple of days ago. and now... it was sad. this is the second student of mine to die in recent few months. one of cancer and now another one in a traffic mishap.

so, once again, i was reminded of how fragile life is. and how fine the line between life and death is. how one can literally be talking to you one day and the next, lying down for good. the family collected him from the mortuary this morning and buried him this afternoon. i did not visit as it is still less than a year since my dad's passing and thought it would not be very appropriate to attend such events. nonetheless, he was in my mind at the hour the burial took place.

may he rest in peace.

qing cao you

the picture speaks a lot to us. and i supposed only two of us would be able to fully understand, appreciate and laugh when we see this picture.

certain things are better left unsaid...

:-)

visiting my dad

not too sure what motivated me, but i decided to pay a visit to the columbarium to pay respect to my dad this morning. this was something that i had thought of doing since a few days ago.

and so, this morning after breakfast, bee bee and i bought the stuff (joss paper, joss stick, etc) and drove down to the columbarium. it was bee bee's first time visiting the columbarium. i believed it was kinda symbolic to him. cos all these while, altho he knew my dad, they did not talk much. nonetheless, they acknowledged each other's presence and got along rather ok. and i am sure my dad knew but chose not to ask. and as for bee bee, he was always there and yet not there. hmmm, not sure how to describe this. i guess these are things that are better left unasked. it's like this for my dad. and it's the same for my mum. even until his death. and during the wake, bee bee was always at the funeral parlour, in the background, quietly looking, quietly observing. and in his own quiet way, i believed he was mourning too. yet somehow, while everyone acknowledged his presence, no one really spoke to him. he was, after all, a part yet never a part of the family. legally, customarily, watever...

anyway, we paid a visit to dad this morning. paid our respects. burned the joss papers. and after that, we walked around the place. i brought him to see my aunt's niche. and we walked pass the many nameless niche. each and every one with it's own urn of bones. nameless. as we quietly walked, he reflected that despite all the fights, bickering, politiking - for power, for wealth - through one's life, one ultimately end up in one small space, one small niche. good reflection.

and as i now blog this, it struck me (quite cheekily too) - that this is perhaps the ultimate meaning of our pledge - regardless of race, language or religion... one small space, one small niche, one singapore...

indeed, it was a meaningful morning for us.

:-)

living life

heh heh... feels a little shy when i read gs's blog... was just trying to share my point of view - something that i had learned the hard way. i supposed if you have not reach the ultimate point/ border between life and death, you will not fully understand the meaning of it... anyway, my sharing with gs was

“sometimes, we only need to give ourselves another chance. for it would be better to live and be hurt rather than to die and not know what is life”

but i do admit, sometimes it is indeed easier to say than to do. the difficult part is to let go of a past. altho letting go of the past does not mean forgetting it.

flying time

it's amazing how time passes so quickly 2009. it's already coming to the end of feb! and i don't think i've achieved anything significant in my performance for this year yet!

wtff!

mri results - tentative

went to see kl for my medical review and to get the latest round of medication top-up. this is perhaps the last time i'll be seeing him. he'll be changing job in apr. my next appt in jun will be this colleague of his whom he said is also a plu. it'll probably be easier to see a plu doctor cos the doctor-patient confidentiality connection is easier to establish... you know what i mean. anyway, managed to get my cholesterol readings - it's gone down, although it is still a bit on the high side. asthma - no more attacks over the last 2 weeks; blood pressure - in good healthy range; heart rate - good count... and he clicked on my mri results...

am not supposed to get the result until i go back to the specialist next week. but cos the medical records are all linked, kl was able to see the mri results. no good. spur growth. more than one. for that matter, over 3-4 of my cervical bones. found spurs growing on c4, c5, c6 at least. understand that possibly one is pressing onto my spinal cord and further 2-3 pressing on nerves... admittedly, this news was a little unsettling. but it gave me closure as to why i constantly feel tightness at my neck, pain at my fingers, sprain my neck very often and so on...

kl also shared that the specialist will probably sent me for more test, perhaps more intensive physio and possibly recommend op for my neck. these are the possibilities, i'll have to see the specialist next week before any plan could be worked out. well, as i said, it was a little unsettling, but i was not afraid. the effect on me was not as drama as when i found i had high cholesterol, or for that matter, when my office outed me. perhaps i am numbed, but i think perhaps, i have come to accept this as a fact of life. birth, old age, sickness, death...

what bee bee said...

"人家想你的时后, 人家就会读你的 blog..."

so sweeeeeet...

:-)

slumdog

watched slumdog millionaire yesterday with bee. enjoyed the show very much. and i shan't attempt to review the show here. there are more than enough people out there who have reviewed it. enough of people out there who loved it, bitched it, went crazy about it... la la la... i would however like to share some of the thoughts that went through my mind when i watched the show. i walked into the theatre with no expectations nor idea about what to expect except that it would be an production shot in india amongst the slum about a slum boy who made it rich. the following were some of the thoughts that went through my mind:

1. the toilet scene where boy-kamal crapped was very similar to the toilet i used when i was a boy living in kampong in paya lebar. and at that time, my constant fear was that i would fall into the shit if i did not spread my legs wide enough... and looking at the shit of my fellow kampong dwellers, the creepie crawlies crawling in the shit and the green houseflies buzzing around would be enough to make any stomach churn today.

2. the slum scene reminded me of my kampong to a small extend. well, not the compact nature, rather, the zine sheets. it was exactly the same in my kampong and my little zinc sheet house/ zinc attap houses. the close proximity between neighbours with little or no private spaces.

3. running and playing with other children in open spaces. yes, this was what my neighbour's kids did. it was the same as per shown in the movie. but for me, i was not allowed to do so. my mum was afraid i might get run over by cars or get into bad influence given that my kampong kids had rather thuggish parents.

4. racial/ religious clashes. yes, that also reminded me of how similar clashes occurred when i was a kid. i remembered my mum keeping me at home and refusing to let me out. i remembered my dad coming home late one night and spoke of malays and chinese fighting at kampong eunos. and i remembered him telling my mum to stay at home and not go out.

5. rubbish scavenging. no, i did not need to scavenge for anything when i was a kid. life was very tough and we were poor, but we did not need to resort to scavenging for stuff from rubbish dump. rather, this scene reminded me of lorong halus. it reminded me of how i sent trucks of rubbish to the lorong halus dump and how my truckload of rubbish would be weighed before being allowed to enter the dump to drop our load. that was in 1991. this scene also reminded me of manila, philippines.

6. murky/ greenish river filled with rubbish and people wading through it. it reminded me of jakarta when i visited indonesia in 2006. lots of slums by the canals and rivers and lots of rubbish too. very contrasting when i thought of the singapore river today (not the singapore river when i was a kid for its water was black and smelly back then).

7. digging children's eyes out and exploiting them to beg. this reminded me of 2 singaporean boys who mysteriously disappeared in 1978 (i think) and was never found. there were rumours that they had been brought to either thailand bangkok or india by syndicates to beg. i remembered them cos for a short while, i followed their news. that was a long time back. they are still missing.

8. overall, it reminded me that during such times, it is about the survival of the fittest, survival of the individual. everyone for himself. altruism is probably non-existent. screw the society, screw the law, screw morality, screw values... it's sad. but to survive, that's the only way. it's a fact of life. and it's true.

valentines

i have stopped celebrating valentines since 2006. and i've stopped doing so not becos i don't think it is a good thing. celebrating love will never be bad. rather, i have stopped celebrating it in the way most would expect couples to do - by going for good nice candlelight dinner and pretending that love only exist on 14 feb yearly.

the reason why i have stopped celebrating it this way on 14 feb is becos it is now too commercialised. most of the time, the food is mass-produced (certainly not the quality you would get on a normal day) and very very very very expensive. and i certainly suspect that most restaurant hope to be able to hide their lack of/ lower quality behind the reason for the day itself. they must be thinking "come on, even if it is no good, couple would definitely either not notice cos they are so focus on each other, or, even if they find it below usual standard, they would ignore it and talk about sweet nothings...". rite?

and so, i decided to get back to the fundamental - valentines is about love. and you can and should really celebrate love with everyone around you. friends, lovers, family, and so on... and if it is about your partner, you should celebrate love everyday. you should find quality time for each everyday and not just on 14 feb. and of cos, if you really want to celebrate love on 14 feb with your partner, you can do so in many other ways and not nec spent your money on expensive dinners... especially in such lousy economic times... and of cos, the focus of this day is not in how expensive the dinner is, it is about finding the time for both to commit to one another to spent quality time.

ok, will stop here... gonna prepare myself for a nice movie with bee later...

happy valentines everyone!

:-)

memories

this week, for that matter, the recent few weeks, were very interesting.

it seemed like the pass is slowly coming back to me. first, it was khoon seng, then it was my secondary school friends, and then two days ago, bee bee and i managed to meet up and catch up with justin and his partner frank. it's amazing how things had changed yet remained the same... changed in that we have all grown older, signs of age has appeared - not nec the appearance of wrinkles, but the appearance of a certain maturity in the face, in the way we talk, in the way we communicate, in the content of our communication. yet have remained the same. same in the familiarity of the person, in the familiarity of the character, the thoughts, and the connection.

kinda interesting few weeks. and it made me search for artefacts of my past. old photos, old memorabilia, school badges, exercises books, report cards... somehow, the incidences that happened twenty thirty years ago suddenly seemed so recent. i could still remember my handwriting. the old notes that i wrote for myself, the old biology exercise book and the drawing of cells - xylem, phloem, parenchyma cells, palisade mesophyll, and so on. and the photos. i could almost see, feel, smell and touch... experience the whole era all over again!

and i thought to myself. why am i going through this? why made me do this? and for that matter, it seemed so uncanny and coincidental that those i re-connected with expressed the same thoughts and experiences of reestablishing connections with their old mates! and i could only conclude that perhaps this has something to do with age. argh! sighs of middle age? in the most recent email khoon seng wrote to me, he expressed certain regret for not focusing enough on people around him when he looked back. and this made me think that perhaps age is not the real reason. could it be the search for self-fulfillment?

i'll have to reflect on this further...

my bmt

i was enlisted on 19 mar 1985.

i reported early to cmpb. at that time cmpb was located at dempsey road. if i could recall correctly, i reported for my conscription at the central manpower base (cmpb) alone. my mum made me my usual morning coffee in the morning and i left the marine parade flat soon after. it was a glum morning for me as i was entering a new phase of my life. and through the bus journey, the thought that i would be away for the next month or so away from my family made me felt uneasy. i felt lonely. then again, i reminded myself that khoon seng had been through bmt since dec 1984. and having seen him survived through it and coming out leaner, stronger and more confident, i told myself, i would too. he was my role model and in a large sense, my inspiration.

the whole process in cmpb was a blur. once i arrived, i reported at the counter and soon enough, i was told to proceed from room to room. i vaguely remembered being made to say the pledge, sign some documents, and soon enough, a whole lot of newly enlisted conscripts including me were all asked to gather and assemble at the parade square. the three-tonners came and we all boarded it. by that time, the parents, friends and relatives had gathered at the parade square. tears flowed. people waved. thinking back, it felt like a funeral. and we were the ones being sent off. once off cmpb, we were driven to sembawang/ woodlands area to collect our uniform, mess tins, etc etc etc... at gsmb before heading to pulau tekong where the infantry training depot - itd - was located.

i was posted to lion company platoon 41. i was placed in section 3. my bunk was located on the 6th floor of itd camp 3 and i was in bed 5. i was knwn as rec w s sim.

i supposed my stay in itd was fun. it was fun not becos i was a sadist and enjoy being punished or being subjected to tough training. rather, i found it fun becos there was a certain familiarity in what i was put through given my national cadet corps background and there were new things i could learn daily. some of the most memorable things that i experienced include:

- watching my peers learn how to wear boots, wear the camouflage uniforms, etc. and with my ncc background, i had the upper hand.

- being gathered and marched to the camp barber. one by one, we waited for our turn. slowly but surely, our hair dropped. to a certain extend, it was a mixed feeling of fun and horror to see the reflections of my half near-bald head and half haired-head in the mirror. and i recalled the immediate weird cold yet numb feeling to see my botak head after the whole process.

- my buddy was this chap called ho hon yuen. he was from the same college as me. brilliant chap and a mathematics person. a typical mummy's son. first time out of the comforts of his home. very pampered. once, his button dropped off and i had to sew it on back for him.

- by the end of first week, we were all so weak from the daily chin ups, runs, push ups... we were literally aching all over and our chin up count per person dropped from anywhere between 5 - 12 to zero per person. our chin up counts started picking up again after week 4... 1, 2, 3...

- sitting at the brightly litted basketball court and eating night snacks while my platoon sergeant barked away - the company routine orders, the instructions for the next day, and so on.

- night snacks comprised anything from burnt rice and green bean soup, bread with strawberry jam, bread with thick butter, mushy maggi mee and so on. and of cos - the all so familiar green mug that is marked with our names.

- waking up at 5.45am, whole body aching like crazy, rushing to wash ourselves (altho at times, it was just rushing off to the parade square straight from bed) and for breakfast. and breakfast menu looking exactly like night snack's menu.

- area-cleaning of the bunk and areas around camp that never seemed to get cleaned enough to satisfy my corporal. so naturally, it led to push ups and "see the tree there? go touch it!"

- parent visit day where my mum visited me. she came along with her ginseng and meat double boiled. i proudly showed her around my bunk, my camp, introduced her to my corporal, my platoon commander and so on. and she commented that i had slimmed down, looked more tone and sun-burnt.

- the highly looked forward to canteen breaks where we would rush to buy soft drinks and eat canteen snacks. not too good but in the mouth of highly deprived recruits, they tasted like heaven!

- the highly dreaded bayonet fighting, and my corporal that kept barking and barking - hyahh! hyahh! hyahh! (just a couple of months before my enlistment, i heard khoon seng shared so much about it but couldn't fully appreciate what he meant!)

- and of cos the long list of physical training (pt) - log pt, combat pt, rifle pt, standard obstacle course, la la la... never did i know my rifle could feel so bloody heavy! and for log pt, i enjoyed the thought of myself being relatively shorter than most of my platoon mates! :-)

- getting to wear the 1-kg heavy metal helmet that had our initials stenciled in front. and of cos, the frequent blur kings that, for reasons spanning from rushing for time, sleepy, to whatever, wore the helmet backside front ala fireman style! ha ha!

- individual fieldcraft training was fun cos we got to learn about what is c.b. leaves (accordingly, the shape of the leaf reminds one of the vagina! and c.b. is the acronym for the hokkien term for chee bye aka vagina), and see how some of us went into the bush and come out looking like some aborigine drag queen, complete with lallang sticking straight out of our helmets!

- fire movement training and being made to shout "one thousand two thousand three thousand, four thousand down!" dashing from tree to tree, sand mount to sand mount and so on.

- drawing range card on the side of a hill and learning how we should point our rifle, define our arc of fire, identify far objects, near objects la la la.

- throwing a live grenade and hearing some of our platoon mate go "nek nek"!

- watermanship training and learning how to make improvised floatations from anything from coconuts to our fieldpacks to our camouflage uniform! and of cos, the building of the infantry assault bridge, running across it like those combatants we see in the show combat! really, the fun part about watermanship training was playing with water! and in a warped sense, the feeling of cold water seeping into the body through our uniform onto our balls! come on... other than that occasion, how often do we, as sane adults, get to walk into a river or sea fully clothed!

- trench digging (yes, in my time, recruits do dig full trenches)! and eating bread and drinking coffee in the dark, not knowing that the breaed had been dirtied by mud and clay!

- and of cos, the situational test. thought it was fun. solving some tricky questions and situational problems. one of the stations, we were supposed to think of how to move our group from one bank to another (elevated platform) over an imaginary river (made of mattresses) without falling into the river that was infested with crocodiles. i remembered that cos in the end, i fell and was eventually eaten by crocodiles. ha ha...

- my platoon commander was 2lt wang khoon huang (he called himself chris) and he was one that practised strong favouritism. one particular guy he liked - this platoonmate of mine - mak. showered him with so much attention that it was so obvious to the rest of us. anyway, i found out later that mak (and possibly wang) was gay! well, wang went on the sell ice-cream, became an air steward with sia, and so on after his fulltime national service.

- during the company nite, the song `i like chopin' by gazebo was played. this was to become one of the most memorable song for me for that era.

- before long, bmt came to an end and my company was tasked to perform the bayonet fighting during our passing out parade. this led to more bayonet fighting training. huge sighs...

- last few days before passing out parade, the platoon started to get sentimental. we would sit up beside our bed, and talk and chatted... and 3 days before passing out, yap (one of my platoon mate) shared about his nightly ghostly experience with the supernatural at his bedside (section 1). that night, none of us woke up to go to the toilet for our middle of the night pee. we all slept with empty plastic bags in our hands and blanket draped over our heads. the next day, one by one, we went to the toilet to throw away plastic bags of urine! ha ha ha!

passing out parade came. if i recalled correctly, it was held at the bedok stadium. i graduated from my basic military training. i emerged one of the top recruit of my company. and i was posted to officer cadet school.

that was jun 1985.