Me at this point in my life

Enough of these scared of whatever shit. No point. No use. Just very unproductive, very unnecessary.

Just wanna be myself.

Don't wanna be so conscious about how I should behave because I know I am being watched, someone is reading my diary entries, monitoring me, perhaps my every single move, every single thoughts, every single correspondence I transact with my friends, etc.

Hey, I am not doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything immoral (and for that matter, being gay is not immoral). And I am a responsible person.

If I do err, it's because and I am human. What is more important is that I err not by intention. And I do not apologise to any set-up for it. I owe myself to live my life as I desire and I deserve to live it to the best I can.

I am no different from any straight man.

27th Aug, my past week

One more week. One more entry :)

Work

- Work-wise, things have been going rather ok. No big upheavals. My HR chief called me up for an interview. He told me that he will not make any comments on my sexuality as well as the moral aspects of things. And as far as my deployment is concerned, they have decided to put me in a training-related post. He added that I should also give the commitment that I would conduct myself responsibly. While I thanked him for the opportunity, I found myself just too couldn't careless about debating on the `morality of it' as well as 'the need for me to be responsible'. To me, that he has asked me to be responsible simply meant that he has assumed that I have not been responsible and that in itself is not correct. As for the morality aspect, I have nothing more to say other than the fact that it is but another view of gay men from the perspective of a str8 man.

Medical

- Finally went for my EEG on Wed. While the test itself was relatively simple, the after-effects was terrible. Felt nauseus and had a splitting headache for a quite a while. The nurse that attended to me certainly did not give a very encouraging response when asked if my brainwave readings looked normal. She said - "erm, your reading hor, don worry lah, does not look too abnormal lor". Hmm, wonder what she meant. That it did not look too abnormal could also mean that it (still) bear certain semblance of abnormality, even if it is a wee bit right? Not very heartening at all. Not when you were the one who had undertaken the test. Anyway, shan't read too much into what she said. Will wait for the doctor's analysis this mid-Sep.

His Father

- Celebrated his father's birthday this week. It was a steamboat dinner and after that it was an adhoc family karaoke session. Very interesting. For the first time, I had an opportunity to attend a family karaoke where the whole family actually sang together! And I must say, the fact that it was together with his family made the whole occasion so much more special for me.Him - 27th Aug was supposed to be our 4th month celebrations. Well, things did not turn out as well and was pretty tensed cos he was afraid of being seen with me in public by him. Certainly did not make me feel good. Ended up a lot of tense and unhappy moments.

My Weight

- Took my weight yesterday. Great not much of a change. Seemed to have stabilized at abt 59.3kg. Had dropped a total of more than 7kg and was afraid it'll just drop further. Well, at least the drop has somewhat halted at this point :)

This Week's Snippets

My Dilemmas

- Since experiencing the blank-outs, I have been feeling out of sorts. Trying very hard to manage myself, the uncertainties as well as keeping things away from my parents and sisters. Do not think they will be able to take the news. Also given the many uncertainties, it will just freak them out and make them worry for no good reasons. Let's wait till things are clearer before telling them. As for my friends, I have opened up to my close friends and I am overwhelmed by their concerns and their support. I really thank them for it and for being there to support me during this period.

His Priorities (1)

- Last Sunday, I really felt like I was gonna die. Smsed him to tell him I would like to meet him and to tell him my desperations, my fear of death, etc. His first reaction was to turn me down citing that he had planned for a day's programme with him. This woke me up. Seriously. Nonetheless, we met up in the evening. He unwillingly had to terminate his dinner plans with him. Things were very tense then. Despite this, we spoke at length and decided to patch things up and work on our relationship in the end. But I was very much hardened by this whole experience. Whatever he does or whatever he says will no longer be taken seriously by me anymore. It seemed like his dinner plans with him is more important than my life. My Medical Appt - Finally went to the specialist who did a brain scan and a blood test. Had wanted to ask him to accompany me but he was not able to do so citing work commitments. Felt terribly worried, scared and nervous. Did not like the feeling of going through the battery of tests alone. Was told by the doctor that it is likely to be seizures but could not determine the cause of the seizures. Still subject to further test this coming week and to see the specialist again this mid-Sep.

Things to Avoid

- Given the possibilities of seizures happening again, I have been advised not to drive, operate any machines or to engage in any sports that involve machines or situations where I may endanger myself. These include cycling and swimming. Cannot afford to blank out during these occasions or I may risk getitng into a fatal situation. Will definitely need to do major adjustments to my lifestyle. Since injuring my leg, swimming is the only sports I do, I really do not know how I can survive not swimming. A friend advised me that one option is to find a swim buddy so that in the event of me blanking out while swimming, at least, someone can save me. Well, I will have to look into my options.

His Mum

- His mum was terribly worried about me and had been praying for me. She spoke to me at length and consoled me about my condition. As for him, he was very sweet about the whole thing and had been nice to me this week. But I am clear that what I want is someone who can give me unconditional love and care and not his mum's concern.

His Priorities (2)

- Today is Fri and as usual I will have to switch off my phone to manage myself from going berserk just thinking of him spending time and overnight with him. On the other hand, I have now been hardened and take everything he says with a lot (yes, a real lot) of concessions. I do treat it as passing remarks cos if I were to take it seriously, I will end up feeling terribly hurt. For example, despite him telling me time and again that he will `always' be with me especially now with my possible medical condition, I am dead sure he will not be able to be with me and to keep me company from Fri - Sun nite, cos he is dead determined to want to spend time with him. I have been proven rite today.

My Good Friend

- Vernon had been around all these while helping me manage my weekends and my emotional swings. He was also around to help me manage myself and to accompany me during all my spare time whenever he can so that I do not get overwhelmed by my missing him.

Thanks my friend.

Seeing Doctor

Some worst case scenarios possible based on what a doc friend of mine said - momentarily blanking out could be due to (1) epilepsy (2) symptoms of a major stroke coming (3) suppressing of my nerve when I turn my head thereby causing a momentary shutting of the nerves (4) brain tumor / clot (5) etc.

Whatever the case, it does not seem good.

Will be seeing a doctor tomorrow to get some referral to a neuro.

Snippets of my life over the past week

His Mum (1)

- Have always been able to talk and relate to his mum. On the other hand, he is also very conscious and careful about what she thinks of him meeting up with me so often. Interestingly, when he asked her to join us for supper couple of nights back, she said she did not want to be the lamp-post. Innocent comment perhaps but well, interesting.

His Mum (2)

- Yesterday, when he left his house to meet up with me, his mum asked him how come he meets up with me so often. Think she is beginning to miss having him spent time with her at home. On my part, I am also scared of her finding out the real goings between us, but he has time and again reassured me that she is perfectly fine with me and that she is comfortable with me.

My Mum (1)

- My mum has been living with me and my partner for the last 2 months. During this period, I am sure she had observed the goings in the house. I am also sure she is aware of the people in my life currently. Nonetheless, she had kept quiet about it. Guess it's a case of her seeing only what she wants to see. Whatever it is, I feel glad she is accepting things just fine.

My Mum (2)

- A quiet and reserved person, my mum would prefer to keep to herself and stay in the room when my friends visit. But when he came over to my place yesterday, she got up of bed (despite being sick and groggy) to say hello to him. She went on to cut dragonfruit for him and sat with him in the living room to chat with him. Very surprised. Guess she likes him too cos she has occasionally asked abt him and how he is. Am sure she is aware of our goings. Putting in Effort - Things has never been better between us. He has been putting in so much effort to spent time with me I am beginning to feel a bit bad. I appreciate his efforts and can really feel that he loves me.

Forced Savings

- Started a joint account with him to help him save for rainy days. Things have not been good for him over the last few months but he is trying very hard to settle his financial issues. At least with a joint account, he can deposit his money in it and I can hold the purse strings.

New Job

- This coming Monday, I've been asked to assist another department to clear some backlogged issues. I am not too particularly keen to do this as there are no clear terms of reference of what I am supposed to do.

Blank off

Over the last few months, I have experienced at least 4 - 5 occasions where I just blanked off. The type where you enter into a state of not knowing what is going around you and forgets everything for that split second.

First occurence

- 2 months back. In office, sms-ing him. We were in the middle of an sms-argument when the next thing I knew, I really could not recall what we had been arguing about and what happened that morning. My mind went into a state of temporary memory loss.

Second occurence

- A month plus back. Driving out of my basement car park, negotiating a turn. Next thing I knew, my partner screamed for me to stop. I had apparently been accelerating my car into the wall. And had my partner not stopped me in time, I would have driven into the wall without even realising it. Last I could recall was negotiating the turn and had thought I was already driving out of my car park.

Third occurence

- Yesterday, driving along ECP. About to exit at Simei. Next thing I knew, I almost drive up the road curb cos I had blanked off. Regain my senses in time to swerve back onto the road. Close shave.

Fourth occurence

- Today. At the car park. Reversing my car. He was beside me talking on the phone to someone and a friend was at the back seat. I clearly remembered trying to reverse my car into the lot. Next thing I knew, I had banged into the railing big time. I had apparently blanked out while reversing and my leg had accelerated the car in a reverse manner.

I am freaked out.

What's happening to me?!

Seemed to be getting a bit more often.

No National Day for me this year

National Day Parades and events have always been emotional for me.

This year, it will be no exception. But this year, I will not be celebrating it. I somehow do not have the want to want to do it. I reckon it will be too emotional for me after all those things that happened to me over the last few months. I am the type who would choke and tear (with pride and joy) when I hear the roaring of the airplanes over me when I jog along East Coast during the NDP, or when I sing the National Anthem, or when I recite the National Pledge.

Also, for the first time since we are encouraged to fly the national flag many years back, I have decided I will not do it, not on my car, not at home, not anywhere. I will not watch the NDP over the tv, I will not even switch on my radio. I will not participate in any ND events. I will not even attend my company's ND Observance Event. I do not want to end up tearing in front of all my colleagues.

I may be anti-system now, but I am doing this not because I am any less patriotic. Rather, I am doing this for self-preservation. I am doing this to keep myself from getting emotional. It will make me wallow again. It will make me depress again. I want to keep my sanity.I had wanted to leave country during this period. But circumstances forced my to stay. Probably, I'll occupy myself with housework, play with my dog. Spend some quiet time with my partner and my mum at home, have a quiet meal. Housework can be therapeutic. Just need to get into the mood. And once you get the hang of it, you'll keep going. And you'll get a good workout too.

Need a break. Need to keep my calm.

Dim Sum Dollies

I watched Dim Sum Dollies earlier and I was probably the only person in the theatre to cry.

I cried twice - once during the opening song where they sang about being happy, daring to be happy, living to the fullest and being blessed with rainbows. And then again during the closing number where they sang the National Anthem.

I couldn't help it.

During the opening number, I felt the frustrations of being bottled up and trying so very hard to want to break out and when I tried, I was strangled from all angles. And for the closing number, I felt the frustrations and contradictions between patriotism; wanting to be a part of this country I love so much and a system that is so unforgiving and discriminating to me because of my sexuality.

I was overwhelmed. My tears just fell. As I was driving home, I couldn't help once again but cried like a baby. While I have been telling myself I mustn't wallow, I find myself feeling miserable time and again.

I need to get myself composed and go on.

I owe it to myself to live my life as I want.

Patterns

Weekdays we meet.

Weekends I have to switch my phone off on Sat evenings.

Cannot bear to read the smses cos he will be with him.

Staying over.

Perhaps this also gives me a break emotionally.

Thanks

Thanks Gerald for dropping by.

Thanks for making the visit so natural.

Was initially unsure of how u'd react when u meet my partner or whether u'll be homophobic... but guess my fears were unfounded.

Coming out to str8 friends

Over the last few months, I came out to no less than 3 str8 friends, 2 of which, I have been very close to.

Not too sure why the sudden courage but I am sure the fact that I was outed in my office; and till today, still in limbo about how it'll affect my work, gave me some form of courage (and perhaps, desperation) to want to seek some emotional support from them.

And yes, they have been most supportive. Really want to thank them for being there for me during the most trying period of my life. Very assuring. Very important to me.

Thanks Gerald, BS and Chris for the friendship. And thanks too to all those (straight ones too) who have all along been supportive (including Jason, Joanne, Lawrence, LK and MY) all these while.

Born Gay; me and my close (str8) friend

Peter wrote to me after reading my previous entry that being gay is not a choice as what my best friend's email reply (after i came out to him) had suggested.

I feel likewise. For me, I am sure I was born gay. I believe my internal conflicts and struggles before coming out at age 30 was largely due to my inability to understand and accept my behaviour and views of men as it contradicted what I was programmed to believe since birth. Nonetheless, when my best friend (bs) said he respected my `personal choice', I did not see the need to debate on these 2 words. Personally, I think he will probably not be able to fully comprehend it too (he is straight and is married with 2 kids).

I also believe my coming out to him must have been as traumatic for him - considering that his very close (if not, the closest) friend come out to him after 19 years. I could sense this in his email cos for the very first time, he spelt my name wrongly. Call me drama if you wish but I could sense his hands trembling while he typed the very carefuly worded email. Let it be. Let things cool down. Let him come to terms with my being gay first. Let us establish the new balance in our friendship and overcome the awkwardness in our interactions before I start talking about sexuality issues.

I guess he will never fully understand my feelings towards him. We were so close back then during our NSF days in 1986/7. We were in different Coys, but whenever possible, we would do everything together. Spent whatever free time we had together. Chat on the phone whenever we were apart (we did not have mobile phones then, and we had to carry so many 10cent coins to call each other on coinphones), etc. We would spent our weekends together, shopping, watching movies or just sitting by the marina bay chatting through the night. And we knew exactly where and when to meet when we say let's meet later - same place, same time. It's always 6.30pm at the wisma atria clock (back then there was a clock outside wisma atria). We were just so bloody close. So much so that many of our camp mates thought we were boyfriends (considering all my camp mates are straight and that the concept of gay was not very well known or accepted back then).

Reflecting it was really beyond just male-bonding. But it seemed so natural for us.The closeness led to the feeling of terrible pains when we parted our ways. With my encouragement, he went overseas to further his studies. The joys of writing and recieving letters and postcards (back then, we had no emails) to and from each other every day for more than 2 years; the joys of seeing him graduate and return; and again, the pains of him leaving me to work and eventually his migration to the States. And during that whole period, I kept close contact with his family, visited them and gave tuition to his brother. To me, they were also my famiy.Between us, there was nothing we do not speak to each other about. But some things we avoided. These included anything related to sex, relationships and religion.

He'll probably never understand how I felt when he came back from States one day and asked me to be his bestman for his wedding. I did not even know he had a girlfriend. He did not tell me. I guessed he felt awkward asking too cos we'd never spoken abt his girlfriend and he did not know how I'd react. But I helped. I got to meet his girlfriend. Internally, I hated her. But I have since learned to accept her. She is now a dear friend too. I helped co-ord his wedding. Helped decorate the church. Be his bestman. Be his driver. Took care of his family. Took care of everything for him.

For me, it was extra awkward for I did not understand why I had felt that way. I had not even come to terms with my sexuality.

It was difficult.

But, that's all in the past. What is important now is that we are still friends.

Feeling Relieved

Been roller coastering emotionally over the last couple of days while coming to terms with him and his inability to break off from his other despite his other telling him of his wedding plans.

Nonetheless, we finally decided that we'll hold each other's hand tight and go thru this roller coaster ride together. On the other hand, finally found the courage to come out to a very dear friend of mine. Been the best of friends for the last 19 years and for a short while, everybody thought we were partners back in 1986. He has since migrated to States. Then again, he is straight and now has a wife and 2 kids.

Wrote him an email and came out to him last Friday. He did not reply until today. For a while, I thought I had lost a special friend. His words in his email reads - "Our friendship will always be the same whatever your personal choice may be."

I feel so relieved.

growing up, coming out

Having been brought up in a very strict family environment where traditional and conservative views are passed from parents to their kids, I invariably found myself struggling with my sexuality when I was younger.

Was touched (then again, I could have stopped it but I did not) by a man when I was 14 years old at Katong Pool. He was a 30-plus year old man. That was my first sexual experience with a man. The experience created a deep sense of curiosity in me. The concept of "gay" just did not exist in my mind, and the thought of myself enjoying carnal pleasures with men simply freaked me out, although it seemed so natural. And although it was so pleasurable, I felt guilty. I thought I was abnormal!

Got myself seriously involved with WM when I was in my first year in NUS. He was bisexual. Malaysian. Had a girlfriend back in Ipoh, but in Singapore, he and I were an inseparable item. Our relationship was highly sexual in nature. But I could not accept the gay lifestyle as the way ahead for me due to my upbringing. I also saw no future in being gay in part because I (still at that time) felt it was `abnormal' and that it would be a lonely world out there. I ended up ignoring WM and we eventually separated. I hurt him big time. In my final year of NUS, I was introduced to the whole new gay world through a person I met while doing my science project and that sparked off a greater sense of curiosity and introduced me to the gay community and culture in Singapore.

That chance encounter with that gay man made me realise that there is a whole big community out there who are just like me. A sense of relief no doubt, but that did not take away the sense of shame, guilt and regret whenever I engaged in sex with other men. I felt dirty, I felt confused. The scenes kept repeating in my head. They haunted me. All these despite having had sex with men previously. I felt I had betrayed my parents (and for that matter, my ancestors) in that I will not be able to procreate and carry on the family name if I were to embrace a gay lifestyle. As such, I chose to lead a double life with the hope that I would get married one day. That was the start of my closeted dual life - day time as a straight man and night time as a gay man who seeked out dark places for ONS.

Reflecting, my life as a straight person in the day was nothing but a cover to my gay side. I was a closeted case. At that point in time, my gay lifestyle comprised largely my ONS - very sexual, very physical, very intense, very anonymous. I went by a pseudonym and created a pseudo-persona of myself. Conversation with other gay men I met were nothing more that superficial stuff. Nothing personal and nothing about my real self was ever discussed.

My first crush was on a person I met at the Fort Road beach. That was the first time, my viel of anonymity was lifted and I got myself emotionally involved. I introduced myself to him using my real name, telling him about my family, etc. It was just so so natural. But it was one-sided. Nonetheless, he was also the one who eventually made me accept myself as a gay man. That was my coming out.

1996, age - 30 years old.

That was a traumatic process. In a way, it was a process of being reborn. I had to re-educate myself about what I should see as `normal', rather, I had to broaden my definition of normality where sexuality issues are concerned. I had to realign my thoughts and re-learn everything. In the process, internal conflicts led me to attempt suicide at least twice. When I finally came to terms with my sexuality, I started experimenting with relationships. It was no less traumatic that the coming out process. But I mature and grow along the way. I also found myself getting more and more accepting about gay sex and the various fetishes. This was greatly helped by the explosion of information in the internet.

I came to accept things as they are and learn to be less judgemental. For what is acceptable to me, may not be so to others, and vice versa. So who am I to be the judge? Reflecting, there are several key areas that I felt had influenced my conduct, first as a closeted case, and then as a gay man. They include - my family - especially my parents, then my work, then my friends.

My parents - as I said, I was brought up in a very traditional environment. Strong family values. Strict believes in procreation and that the man is the center of the family and that the man is responsible to carry on the oh-so-important family name (such ancestral baggage!). That there is a gay man in the midst of the family is something that is beyond anyone's thoughts and this comes with strong stigma and embarrassment.

To protect my parents, I had to keep my sexuality from them. I had also avoided giving my contacts to men. I adopted a pseudoname, adopted a pseudo-identity, a pseudo-persona, etc etc etc. All these made me felt really empty and hollow. Internal conflict follows. Big time. My eventual coming out was on the premise that I should not bluff myself anymore and to start living a life - my life. And in doing so, I understand that my parents may be hurt and embarrassed by me. And I have to manage them sensitively.

On the other hand, I really do not want to get married and sometime down the line, cheat on my wife and kids, worst still, with a man. As such, I chose to not tell the whole truth to my parents, for they will move on very soon. Not telling my parents the truth to me, is not lying. It perhaps is my only mechanism to protect them, from other relatives, from friends and from themselves.

My work - I work in an environment where image and identity as well as public confidence is very important. As such, my company is highly homophobic and it is with this fear of being penalised and being asked to resigned that I had to stay underground at work. I loved my company and have been most professional and dedicated in all my undertakings. My coming to terms with myself came after more than 15 years with my company. I eventually fell in love with my current partner 6 years ago and eventually left my company. This was also considering I had decided then, having just came out, felt that I should give myself a chance at a new company where homophobia would probably be less stark. I was to eventually realise that my behaviour of being scared (due to my perception of homophobia) was largely caused by my own mental block. Equipped with this realisation, I decided to rejoin my old company. Today, after being outed by my company and suffering the possible implications, I reflect back and wondered if I had made the right choice in returning to my company.

My friends - I am a person who cannot live without friends. They are important to me. I do not need many, just a couple who is close to me and whom I can be myself when I interact with them. Today, I am happy to say that amongst the many straight close friends whom I made over the years, many of them have come to accept me as gay and have unconditionally accepted me and my partner. Of course there are some others whom I have not come out to, but I chose to take it slow. There is really no urgency for me to come out to every single one of them as yet, but I am sure I will do it at an opportune time. I believe that if the friendship is strong, the issue of sexuality would not be a factor.

A Surprising Development

A, B, C, D....

A became a little more attentive to BB and C's relationship grew stronger and stronger.

C continues his internal struggles but found it difficult to balance between B and D.

Yesterday, D dated C and told him he wanted to break off as he felt insecure with C.

C was devastated but couldn't do anything but to give D his blessings.

C also felt guilty for the fact that he is seeing B behind D's back.

Today, D smsed C, asking to patch back and asked C to promise him not to make him feel insecure.

Despite C's earlier resolve to let D go, he continued to hold onto some hope for D's return.

This evening, D called C and asked for forgiveness, D finally dropped the bombshell that he will be getting thru the ROM with a lesbian friend end of the year - a staged wedding no doubt - but this gave C the worst possible blow.

C took the second blow C was helpless.

Despite earlier resolve to let D go, C felt v hurt.

At this juncture, B was highly concern, not for that fact that he and A are smoothening things out, but also for the fact the C is going thru all these turmoil.

This time round, A remains oblivious to this latest developments...

The story continues....

Reflections of a Gay Singaporean

Just because I am gay, does it mean:

- I am a lesser person/inferior to straights?

- I am not able to contribute as effectively or productively (as compared to straights) to my office, my company, my society, my country?

- I will affect my offices' image?

- I am a sex craze/ fiend who engages in wild sex wontonly without any morality?

- I am more likely to use my status to force people, especially younger ones to have sex with me?

- I am more likely to be a paedophile?

- I am a criminal (that I engage in unnatural sex as deemed illegal under the penal code)?

- I am a threat?I am certain I AM NOT.

But alas, it is the homophobia that I guess we are all facing and the system (and the people running the system) who chose to hide behind this thing called `conservative society' that has failed to integrate us as part of the society.

And many of the questions I have asked perhaps reflects the warped perception of what a gay man is to most straight man/ woman alike in Singapore.

Admittedly, there are a small small minority of us who fall within some of the questions/ categories that I have questioned above, but that certainly cannot be used to generalise all of us. It's so unfair. Then again, what's fair in life. If you are the majority, you define the rules. And if you are the minority you will always be subjected to such discriminations.

Guess I will have to accept it as a way of life. You call this a defeatist approach/ attitude? No, I call this a realistic one. We cannot force a revolution or a change in mind set overnight in our country, much less a country where the people running the system are elected by the very people whose conservative thinking are reinforced and protected by the people running the system, kinda a vicious cycle... never-ending.

All the more, we must try to integrate and in the process help the society evolve. I am sure things will evolve. Only that the pace of this evolution may not be on our side, if we are using our life/youth as a unit of measurement. I may, in the end, not enjoy the ultimate open Singapore where gays and straights can coexist side-by-side without any fear or discrimination during my youth (I chose to think I am still young, or at least young at heart)/ my lifetime, but I will be happy as long as I know the country is moving in the direction and that it will eventually accept gays (GLBTs for that matter). It does not matter if this were to happen in the next or next next generations, as long as we get there.

Some reflections.

Looking Good

Things seemed to be turning for the better. Mum's gone through her angioplasty. No vessel blockages. To be confirmed tomorrow with another scan and hopefully things turn out good.

Brother has kept away from the rest of the family and have in a way, also kept Dad under `house arrest'. Spot-checking on him to make sure he does not go out, that he does not visit my mum, that he does not visit my sisters, etc. On the other hand, this may not be a bad thing at all cos my dad is really old and it would be a terrible thing if anything were to happen to him when he is outside.

As for my him, things have been very tense. All becos I felt he has not really been fair to me viz a viz his bf. Been trying very hard not to sms or call him. This was made worst with IOC cos he has been assisting in the whole event and has been staying on site all these times when IOC is on. With IOC ending, he should be relatively freer. Today, he called me twice to comfort me and to assure me my mum will be fine. Very happy and very nice of him. Cerainly helped me a lot in my otherwise very stressful day, made worst by my missing him and yearning to hear his voice.

Met up wtih my first crush yesterday. Although we have been constantly in contact, this was the first time we really spent some time together having dinner chatting and catching up. Been 8 years and he finally understood what I went through during that period. He also finally admitted that he fell for me then but did not dare tell me nor was he certain if he should proceed further with me as he felt I was hiding something from him. Fact was that I was not sure how to behave as I had just came out then. To a certain extend, it seemed like a chance lost for both of us at that time due to a lack of communication and also due to my inability to come to terms with my own self. But well, all said and done, we are now very good friends and I am glad things turned out the way it did.

Work-wise, things are still in a limbo. My replacement will be in within the next 2 weeks and I am still uncertain of where I will be transferred to. The wait seemed to be forever and there seemed to be no clarity of things for me at this point in time. So, for now, aimless and have to just focus on my tasks at hand.

The coming few days will be interesting for I have made a deliberate effort to go dinner with my other friends. Felt I need to give myself a break from my partner and him and should catch up with my own life.

:)

Again

Despite the resolve to leave, he finally went back again... heart too soft. I am heartbroken.

Again.

Of Parasites and such...

Yes, youthfulness (there such a word? or should it be just `youth'? well, what the heck!) does turn me on, and young people do possess that certain attraction that makes me melt... but reflecting, I think it is more physical attraction and lust rather than love; perhaps also a manifestation of the insecurities of age catching up.

My experiences thus far tells me that falling in love (or rather, lust?) with someone a dozen years younger than you is not nec a good thing cos invariably, the relationship will tend to be imbalanced. It will be more like you being the older one, behaving like a father, and him, the younger one, taking you for granted - all the time.

And such a relationship does not allow you to grow like what a healthy relationship would. Rather, it'll be more of a parasitic one where one party will leech onto the other... Ultimately, you'll get disappointments after another and eventually, the relationship will just sap you of all your energy... and you'll be left totally exhausted, emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even financially... move on man!

Planning Forward

On one hand, there are many suggestions of how we could spend the months ahead and tentative plans for these programmes, yet, at the back of my head, there is a very high degree of uncertainties. Of insecurities... are these for real?

The immediate few weeks already seemed so hazy and difficult for me... what more a couple of months down the line... uncertain of where I'd be transferred to now that I've been outed, uncertain of my the implications on my career future, fact that my mum will be going for her angioplasty next week, etc etc etc... kinda overwhelming, haiz...

Reflecting, my past couple of months had been rather crazy and stressful. Am just hoping for things to be smoother for me. But well, will just have to leave it to whatever comes my way... frankly, feeling kinda resigned now...

2nd Month

27 Apr to 27 Jun - 2 mths, seemed like 2 lifetimes.

Half day left - Reflections of a Fridae Perk member

Half day left and my Perks is up.

Looking at the 22000-plus hearts, I asked myself - what have I achieved over the last year when I joined Perks.... well for once, I can say - NOTHING... oh well, that is a little too critical... I joined Perks when I was overseas on a 6-month assignment. During that time in Florida, I was really out of touch with things back home - missed my friends in Singapore, missed the food, the people, the culture, etc

Decided to join Perks to widen the possibility of keeping in contact with things back home thru like-minded people, in an environment that is not so threatening, that is somewhat familiar to me (albeit a cyberspace one) and one that allows me to keep my anonymity.

Over time, I got to know more people, some pretty nice ones, some that I would call the touch-and-go ones (not literally considering I was in Florida). In time, I started to place my pix in my profile - something that I would come to regret later (that's another story) and at a certain period, a sort of addiction to want to send hearts, with the hope of getting more hearts and the thrill of counting the slowly increasing numbers and hitting and counting the heart received by the thousands. Anyway, as I went along, I came to see and feel my fella-Perk friends frustrations with Fridae - cannot put up this, cannot do that, etc and in time, one by one, my friends begin to end their memberships and not renew it. I had my fair share with Fridae in this regard.

Well, here I am, deciding to end my membership too. In part, due to the insistence of Fridae for me to put up my pics instead of a caricature or any other pics, and also in part, due to my office's views that I should minimise my presence in GLBT sites.

Whatever the case, I am ready to let go of my membership. Reflecting, no regrets, no heartaches, but just an interesting experience :)

Painless or Just Numb?

Am I really feeling ok now becos things are ok or it is becos I am so numbed to pain that any further pain does not hurt anymore?

This evening, I had the most interesting and enlightening conversation with some very close friends who chose to tell me the harshest truth and who tried to put things in perspective to me. Guess it's easier to see things from afar and when one can be very objective about relationship/ emotional issues. Always easier to ask for the mind to control the heart when one is not in the problem itself. But it is oh so difficult when you are the involved party.

Anyway, to these friends (you know who you are), I sincerely thank you and really appreciate the words you have put across to me so squarely. And hey, only the truest of friends will say such harsh truth. Hugs!

Continued Stress

One after another. Not surprised if things go further wrong. Just have to accept it and move on. Mum just moved in to join us following some family issues. Need to make adjustments so that her needs can be met.

Light Lighter Lightest

Find myself getting lighter by the day... over the span of the last 3-4 months, I have lost a total of 7 kg! That's more than 10% of my total weight! But what I find most disturbing is that my clothes are beginning to become so loose I may need to change my whole wardrobe! Not too sure if this is a healthy sign altho medically I am cleared of all sorts of problems...

A Story Unfolding Melodrama - HK-style

Characters

A the ambitious hardworker
B the neglected
C the friendly one
D the silent non expressive lover

A in relationship with B
A focused only on work
B feels neglected for longest time ever
B meets C, strong mutual attractions
C in relationship with D

D the silent type, non expressive
C altho also not expressive, is more expressive compared to D
C often sms D to say wish him well, etc
D chided C for it
C committed to D nonetheless

B meets C one day
Chance encounter ended with frequent dates
B confides in C his loneliness and his relationship with A
C listens, lend a shoulder to cry on

C hides D from B
B falls in love with C eventually
B and C struggles knowing their status
C struggles for he begins to like B

B eventually confess to A
A feels betrayed but continue not saying anything about it,
situation remains unclear,
continues to be nonchalant,
continue to focus on work

B continues going out with C
B eventually pieces what C said and found out about D
B devastated but as he really loves C
B gives C and D his blessings

Soon enough, C falls madly in love with B,
but internally hold back for he does not want to give B false hopes
C cannot let go of D
D totally not in picture but feels C's lack of attention at times
C admits to D the existence of B but with no details of the extent of his relations with B

D feels threatened and starts to be lovey dovey and begins to shower C with love
C is moved by D, totally,
but continues to holds on the B as he has also now fallen madly in love with B
C felt guilty hurting B

C faces internal struggle constantly
B hurt by C's avoidance
B constantly gets upset
C felt bad hurting B by holding himself back and causing B to be upset

B eventually breaks down emotionally
B's situation made worst by other stress
C nears emotional break down on learning of B's situation
B finally convince that he will be happy as long as C is

C eventually sorted himself out and continues seeing B
B makes promises to wait for C
A continues to be with B yet neglect B
B does not know how to manage A for he also loves A

C cannot promise B anything but agrees to give him chance when he falls out with D
C is also paranoid of D finding out

In the end, both B and C agree to be each others' `small one' and to take things as it comes

So, for now,

A continues to hold on to B
B continues to wait for C
B and C continues to see each other
C's preference is D
D feels blessed to be with C
A and D has no knowledge of the love and promises made between B and C and how they are both juggling their 4-way dynamics

Life goes on... real life melodrama

Stabilizing

Some form of normalcy is returning over the last couple of days. Life seemed to be stabilizing. Guess when you have hit the bottom, the only direction available is up.

Emotionally, things are also stabilizing somewhat and issues between me and them appears to be smoothening out slowly. New equilibrium being established over time. Well, it's gonna be a challenging time ahead but guess I'll have to manage.

Family life also seemed to be getting back to normal. Sister's cancer has been confirmed to be benign at this point in time, both parents recovering slowly from their sickness.

Workwise, after all the `hu-ha', many things are still not firmed up. My fate has not been decided. Decided not to pursue my higher degree and have dropped my scholarship. Now awaiting my boss' return from leave. But well, guess I am also getting use to the new `equilibrium' at work. On the brighter side, the recent spate of events allowed me to experience how my close friends, str8 and gays alike (including those close ones who had left my company and whom I finally came out to last week), banded together to give me their support.

To all of them, I am sincerely touched and am indebted by their selfless response to spend time with me and the efforts to call and speak to me. For without them, I'll probably not be here typing these words now.

life in turmoil

Realized that with all the dynamics currently going on in my life, I am afterall not so strong afterall, despite telling myself I need to pick myself up from all my work and personal issues. Been suffering from sleepless nights and whenever I dozed off, I'd dream of my dead relatives returning to look after me or my close family members dying. I also dreamt of my ex-boss lying in a coffin and telling me that his time is up and he is getting ready to go. I even dreamt of my good friend being butchered to death and woke up just before the assailant axe me. I am, in fact, quite afraid to fall asleep now. What does all these mean? Life can be so overwhelming when everything happens at the same time.

At work, I'd been called up and interrogated by my security department recently about my sexuality. And suddenly, a lot of things started to happen. for a start, my security clearance had been removed. My assistant chief of HR called me us and told he he will not judge my morality but I will have to accept that the organization will have to take necessary actions on me. For a start, my scholarship would be revoked. I am technically employed but not deployable. Things are really in a limbo. Been on leave for a week. How am I gonna face my colleagues and bosses once I get back to work. How? How?

And my personal life is also in a mess, neglected by my current partner and got to know someone new recently. Then I found out that he is attached and he could not commit. Yet, from what he tells me, I think that person treats him more like a friend than a partner. Find myself giving him my blessings and telling him that I will be happy as long as he is. I have been crying and slipping into bouts of depression.

Sighs... It is now 3am and I am still awake tossing and turning, thinking of him, thinking of what's gonna happen at work, thinking of family problems, etc. Sometimes, it feels so right to just end everything all at once.

You and me against the world - Helen Reddy

You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world,
When all the others turn their backs and walked away,
You can count on me to stay.

Remember when the circus came to town
How you were frightened by the clown,
Wasn't it nice to be around someone that you knew,
Someone who was big and strong and looking out for

You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world
And for all the times we've cried I always felt that
God was on our side.

And when one of us is gone,
And one of us is left to carry on,
Then remembering will have to do,
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you,
Of you and me against the world.

Brave New World

It's been a tumultous few weeks.

Now, I am starting life afresh. Spoke to my loved ones about my thoughts, my emotions, my life, the people in my life, my work, my future, etc.

It's so good to be able to let everything go and see things from a new perspective. Remembered that once I wrote the lyrics of this song "Once I was afraid I was petrified"... now, what comes to mind is the song that goes... "

You and me against the world... sometimes when all the others turn their back and walk away, you can count on me to stay, and when one of us is gone, when one of us is left to carry on..." well, maybe not totally relevant nor in the right context, but all I can say is that my mind is blank now and...

Anyway, to my new beginning.

I must be brave.

I must be strong.

I must carry on.

Horses

Earlier this year, my colleague told me that this year, I'll have lots of encounters (read - romantic encounters) with people born in the year of the Horse. I laughed it off. But of late, it seemed that I am experiencing many emotional ups and downs due to such people (esp someone born in 1978). And interestingly enough, those who send emails to me in Fridae giving me words of encouragements are almost exclusively from the Horse year too! Coincidences? How uncanny... Nonetheless, I sincerely thank all the ponies and horses (you know who you are!) for their kind words.

Bitten then Burnt

Bitten by the bug and burnt to the core.

My life over the past 3 plus weeks had been one of confusion, pain, happiness, etc all rolled into one. Abnormal behaviours exhibited during these weeks include constant checking of my phone for smses, constant yearning of phone calls, etc and all these never came.

Going out for dinners and shows and feeling loved and showered with care followed by cold shoulders, avoidance and silence. I am thoroughly confused. I found myself getting depressed time and again.

Perhaps it is time for me to let go.

Beginning of the end?

Is this the beginning of the end? My 6th anniversary of coming together would be the new date for my parting of ways? Am I wrong to, for the first time in my life, decide to seek what I want and not what others want?

U're in the Q

Life sucks when someone u are madly in love with tells u that u are in the queue and that he cannot commit (as yet) as he feels bad for the other (few) who was before u... wat the %$%&*^(*%*& rite? move on, move on... life's too short to queue.

When you say you love me - Josh Groban

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,
And frozen in time,
Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

[bridge:]

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,

I know why I'm alive
When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

My Confession - Josh Groban

I have been blind, unwilling to see
The true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.

And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

[bridge:]

You are the air that I breath.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?

Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.

I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

Hear my confession

so many things to relate but could not pen it down

i am so so so glad weekend is here;

there are just so many many things that happened today at work and so ... ** deleted ** then again, seemed like many of the things that happened today cannot be written here without compromising my nature of work and my identity... self-imposed restrictions (again) for fear of consequences if i am outed... or is it just what `they' refer to as `responsible behaviour'? I donno... sounds familiar?

if you love someone, let him/ her go

frankly, was really touched by li shengjie's song - esp the one abt him letting go and giving his blessings to his girlfriend when she admitted to him that she has fallen in love with his best friend instead.

He sings - when you told me you have fallen in love with my best friend, i realised that feeling aches in my heart is worst off than feeling heartbroken... it is natural for you two to long for a LTR and happiness and to fall in love is natural and you have freedom of choice. I wish you two well.

He also muttered to himself - I will feel devastated if you end up lonely in the end for this is not hat I wished for when I gave 2 of you my blessings...

So magnaminous of him right? Epitome of the phrase - if you love someone, let him/ her go....

but frankly, is there really such altruism in life? I wonder...

integrated initiatives

From the word go, we have scores of people voicing their support for `it'.

(me too admittedly. actually quite excited about it).

and hey want to point out this - despite all the pros and cons, one thing seemed weird to me - how come all those who oppose to `it' did not consider the fact the we have such facilities on cruises that operate off our ports? or the fact that the closest facility to us is less than an hour by flight from home to the city of our closest neighbour?

also wondered, if so much efforts and institutions can come out with the many programmes to counter the expected `ill-efects' and `social fall-outs' if `it' is implemented, wouldn't it seemed a wee bit possible that such an effort can also be put in place to accomodate GLBTs so that our country get a portion of the `pop culture pie' (the pink portion)?

hmmmm, then again, perhaps pink dollars may not necessarily generate an amount of revenue that could match that of such integrated initiatives hor? really, a case of money maketh the world go round? perhaps one fine day when we have more pull-factor, our great country may consider an integrated approach to integrate the country to the idea of opening up to us pink people.

hmmm...

moral judgement

when someone says he will not attempt to pass his moral judgement on you, has he already not done so by mentioning it?

best gift

the best gift u can give yourself is

- to forgive someone

- to accept yourself

memorable quotes

> him yelling at me in the car along xilin road at 2330hrs
- i can never hold an intellectual discussion with you!

> Reflecting when he came back literally begging for me to accept him
- i fought with god and i won

> During my NSF days, along Foxhound Ave, my PC
- since you fuckers cannot obey orders like human being, i shall henceforth use my whistle to give orders!

> During my NSF days, in Taiwan, my mentor
- for once, can you stop saying `Yes, Sir'?
- for fuck sake, can you stop smiling?

> During my NSF days, at 4am in the morning being tekan by my mentor
- I want to make you so fucking shag, the smile will disappear from your face

> During my NSF days, at 2am in the morning, my mentor
- Platoon, Turn Out!

> During my NSF days, at 3.30am after a change parade, wet and drenched, my graduating seniors
- sword & torch, a symbol of ....
- daring initiatives
- undaunted willpower
- absolute fitness...

> Visiting my Sec 2 Sc teacher when I was in JC
- for the first time since you left sec school, i see you walking and not bouncing!

m'ries, some familiar tunes

Donnie & Marie-
May tomorrow, be a perfect day, may you find love and laughter all the way, may god keep you in his tender care, till he brings us together again... Good night every body!

Mickey Mouse
- M-I-C-K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!

Xiao Bao Li Xian Ji
- Xiao Ba You Ge Pu Wa WaWa Wa Huei Bian Fa...

Xiao Qing Wa
- Ku Kua Ku Kua Xiao Qing Wa...

Solid Gold
- ...my head keeps spinning to music, spinning to gold... SOLID GOLD!

Everyday Milk Powder
- Build lively body for lively might,every day with EVERYDAY...

Anchor Butter
- Anchor Butter, butter's better..

Lullaby - When I was a baby
- Yee Ah Or Or Koon
Jit Meh Tua Jit Chun
Yee Ah Or Or Si-ot
Jit Meh Tua Jit Chiot!

(Hokkien - Tanslation)

- Sweetly sleeps my baby
- May he grow by an inch a night
- Sweetly sleeps my darling
- May he grow by a foot a night!

freedom

and i wish i am an eagle
and i wish i could spread my wings
flying high high like a bird in the sky
over mountains and forests and seas...

(adapted from my favourite song from ABBA)

EAGLE (ABBA)

They came flyin' from far away, now I'm under their spell
I love hearing the stories that they tell
They've seen places beyond my land and they've found new horizons
They speak strangely but I understand

And I dream I'm an eagle
And I dream I can spread my wings
Flyin' high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

As all good friends we talk all night, and we fly wing to wing
I have questions and they know everything
There's no limit to what I feel, we climb higher and higher
Am I dreamin' or is it all real

Is it true I'm an eagle
Is it true I can spread my wings
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

And I dream I'm an eagle
And I dream I can spread my wings
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

mid-life crisis?

was flipping thru my old stuff yesterday and had the chance to flip thru my photo albums, birthday cards, greeting cards, old letters - yup, those days we wrote letters when there was no internet, etc. was reminded of my sec school, college life, uni, NSF, etc etc etc and all the friends i had. was also reminded of my teenage crushes and closest of friends. suddenly, i felt a great sense of crisis, of panic, of depression. I felt that I had really not achieved much, at least for myself. Perhaps I had done lots for my company but for myself - none.

Then it also struck me that I had passed my prime, and I couldn't help but feel a total sense of lost and helplessness. It seemed like my life has fast forwarded and that there is absolutely nothing I could do about it, that I had not spent it well enough, that my youth, my life, my friends, my family, everything has not been lived up to what I had wanted it to be. Momentarily, I also blamed the people tat my life has revolved around (esp currently) for not giving me the fulfilment I had sought, my emotional, psychological, physical needs etc.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I felt, and after this anger, I began to feel depress. Lost. Helpless. Is this the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about? or is it just me and my expectations?

1 merlion, 2 perspectives

i was in primary 3 when it was installed. we had art competitions, story telling contests, excursions to elizabeth walk to view it, etc. 30yrs down the road today, i sat once again by the side of the merlion. memories came back, my childhood, my innocent days, they seemed so far away, yet seemed like yesterday. the merlion still reminds me of the magic of my childhood.

and there he was, james, sitting beside me by the merlion reading his book, oblivious of my reflections. he could not understand my silence; and the memories that the merlion evoked in me, he never will. to him, the critter is but an artificial construct, a marketing product to hardsell Singapore and nothing more.

one common icon, 2 different emotional associations/ attachments, 2 products of 2 different time?

weblogs

boon, a good friend of mine told me - you should write down your thoughts in a weblog so people can read your reflections/ experiences and who knows, people may just learn a lesson or two from them.

possible?

for me, if i weblog, it'll be for selfish reasons, for myself to document my life experiences and to remind me of my highs and lows in my life, to be my life journal. rather than to let people learn any lessons.

the cyberspace is already so clouded with weblogs and i really really doubt if mine is gonna make any difference.

:-)

shared values...

- nation before community and society above self

- family as a basic unit of society

- community support and respect for the individual

- consensus, not conflict

- racial and religious harmony

wondering aloud

always wondered if there are blind ajs.

if looks are so impt...

What I find important in a relationship....

I really dunno anymore...

Loving someone can be so painfully difficult when on one hand you want contentment, and on the other hand, you are emotionally and sexually so unfulfillied. You want intimacy, you want connection, you want some quality time, but all he wants is to do his work.

6 years, 6 years of repeated excuses to `dedicate' his time to his work - at work, at home, during weekday nights, during weekends, during all the time. All because he deems it necessary to prove himself. You call it obsession, he calls it passion. Passion? Obsession? Two sides of a same coin? At your expense. Fair?

You both are seen as partners by friends. His friends would comment how envious they are of you two for sustaining such a long and `loving relationship', but in reality, you really do not know his friends well and he absolutely refuses to even attempt to know your friends. Far as you are concerned, you are treated more like a father, a brother, a mother or for that matter, a maid. And he continues to do his work.

And amidst all these, you chose to look on the bright side. You do not want to break up cos you are just too tired to start the whole process of courtship anymore. Yet, amidst all these emotional torture, you still choose to live with him... is this love? or just plain stupidity?

I can't see the line anymore...

Are teachers all like this?