2015 - a trying & eventful year

i ended 2014 with the desire to want "to lead a more balanced life in 2015, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more." did i do it? was i successful in doing what i wanted to do? i really don't know. i didn't have much energy to really reflect upon it. and i say so in part because so many things happened recently. and might as well cos i do think the recency effect of the many deaths that happened would probably make my view of the year very negative. i am thus writing this entry in a rather impromptu manner and as i do, i will try to frame 2015 in as balanced a way as i possibly could. unlike previous years where i would write my last blog entry of the year with a clarity of the theme, this year, i will give this blog post a title/ theme when i complete my reflections. and in honour of my mum who passed away in november at the age of 82 years & 11 months, i will start this years' reflections with "mum"...

mum

the first half of 2015 was relatively good for mum. i had channelled much energies to improve her quality of life and living conditions. i installed a ceiling fan in her room, got another car (that suited her needs and were agreed by her) and provided her with better food constantly. her health was stable and she was able to do all the routine things without too much issues. i constantly titrated her medications to manage her health during the many occasions when her health threatened to turn bad. with that squared off, she was able to continue enjoying her routines without much worries. she went for her daily rehab treatments, watched movies, visited places of interests, indulged in all sorts of food, did her daily shoppings, visited my brother's place, etc etc etc. towards the second half of 2015, and with the onset of the haze, her health deteriorated considerably quickly. it started with a bout of breathlessness that saw her whizzing quite badly and ended up with a stay in the hospital sometime in july. her stays in the hospital became more frequent from then and the seriousness of her condition got worst with every visit. the increased visits to the hospital and clinics took a toll on me particularly in my annual leave. i would need to apply for no pay leave to bring her for her check-ups if she had not passed away. her passing in november, in a way, did not come as a shock to me given all the signs since mid-year. still, it was hard to accept when it happened. i thought i managed things as best as i could and was able to keep the family intact as i fulfilled my obligations as a son to complete all the necessary rites for her. my mum's passing was, to me, the single largest loss in my life. i still miss her. very much. sadly, i end this paragraph with no future resolutions...

personal life

objectively speaking, my personal life was relatively good this year. i was able to move my focus towards myself a little more compared to previous years. for a start, i managed to head off for a short holiday in january to taiwan. and to prevent mum from going bonkers, i told her i was going for a work-trip. she took the trip rather well and i did not face any major changes in any moods changes. and throughout the year, i was able to steal some few-hour me-time here and there by lying to her similarly. admittedly, i came to terms with myself about telling lies. i rationalised that if it helped to manage her mental state and, at the same time, give myself the space i needed, it was alright. and with this cleared in my mind, i was able to go for my weekly breaks, my exercises, my regular outings to have my personal time etc without feeling guilty about it. and gladly, i was able to do all these because i felt relatively assured as i had a maid to take care of mum during my absence. i ended the year without mum and with an heightened energy to start things anew in my attempts to move on without her. i have started painting the house for a start! moving into 2016, and with my mum no longer around, i will increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time, be it for self-improvement courses, leisure, volunteerism, buddhism, travel, etc. 

bee

i entered the year without too much expectatrions of bee after he left for bangkok last year. i told myself i would simply play my part as a partner. and with this, the relationship through the year was rather stable. the meet ups, etc went by routinely and there were no spike in excitements per se throughout the year, except perhaps for the trip to taipei in january. having said that, the year didn't pass without any tensions. there were several. and one was big enough for me to go into passive aggressive behaviour for a long while. i didn't like the way he took me for granted, the way he made he feel i didn't matter, like how he stood me up several times on weekends when we were supposed to head to the cinema because he overslept from his naps, how he did not keep up to his promises to ask me first before going overseas, how he failed to call me or keep in contact when he was overseas and how we had to cancel a planned holiday because he had to head overseas for work last minute. and to top it off, he did not walk the last journey with me during mum's funeral - he was overseas with work. i was highly disappointed and admittedly, i felt rather rather pissed off, considering how i had stood by him during his dad's passing, all the way through to the funeral. but i kept quiet about it, i told and reminded myself that i had to manage my own expectations, although frequently, i didn't think i was being demanding in the relationship. admittedly, there were several occasions where i wanted to simply call the relationship off but i didn't in the end. i was too tired to do it. with mum's passing, our frequency of meeting up has increased and things seemed more positive now. for 2016, i will do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years. how strong this relationship can be will depend on him.

sapphie

sapphie's health was ok this year, well, until december when she weakened terribly. objectively, i cannot expect her to be like what she was before. she's 15 after all, and for a dog, 15 is equivalent to 105 human years. old. terribly old. i don't think she'll be able to complete 2016 given her current state of health but i might be wrong. let's just hope for the best. for 2016, i will continue to take good care of her. she's the only family member i have that keeps me company at home now. if she leaves me, i have done my research and am now prepared to manage her cremation.

siblings

no expectations, no disappointments. this guideline served me well during 2015 with regards my siblings. there were of course many occasions where i did not feel good especially when they did not respond in a pro-mum manner. but i simply took it in stride and chose not to be irked/ angered by it once i reminded myself not to have any expectations. i also noted a few positive outcomes during mum's passing. firstly, my eldest sis started to talk to me. it kinda took me by surprise but i simply responded in kind and acknowledge her quietly. secondly, my brother did not lose his temper with my second sis. i had, for the longest time, expected him to lose his temper and perhaps enter into a fight with my second sis when my mum died due to his age old animosity towards her. thankfully, it didn't happen. the greatest displeasure and disappointment i had was with my second sis. but i supposed all these didn't matter any more. mum's passing meant the interactions with them will be highly diminished, especially with my sisters. so... as for my brother, the interactions will continue given his continued requests for me to take care of his children - and i do admit i really enjoy my time with them, and to a certain extent, i do take it upon myself to ensure they have a good upbringing. that will be what i'll do for 2016 - to continue investing my efforts to nurture my niece and nephew. and as for my siblings, i will continue to live by my guiding principle that no expectations, no disappointments.

relatives

i decide to add a new para on relatives this time round. despite not being in touch with many of them, 2015 was significant for me as a few of them passed on. firstly, it was a paternal side uncle - my dad's younger brother. his demise meant that for my dad's generation, all males have passed on (not considering the one that was given away at birth). his passing brought everyone in my extended family together once again. it was the same for the passing of my god-sis-in-law. the last time i met my god brothers was almost 2 decades ago when my god mum passed away. i had lost contact with almost all of them and when i met them again, not many could recognise me. the year ended with the passing of my maternal side uncle (my aunt's husband). i didn't know of his passing until the funeral was over. the family decided not to share his passing with us as my mum had just passed on. three relatives in a year. that is a little too many for me. but i supposed it is a inevitable part of life that we have to go through. interestingly, at my age, it was during such occasions that relatives get to meet each other. i did not tell any of my relatives of mum's passing due to my internal family dynamics. admittedly, i had prioritised my own family dynamics above that of my extended family. thankfully, i was able to contain any fall-outs by calling key aunts and cousins and apologising to them immediately after the funeral and explaining to them that it was mum's wishes to keep her passing to only immediate family members. in 2016, i will certainly want to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family.

health

i don't think i had invested enough energies into my health in 2015. in the areas of exercising, i certainly managed to do my regular evening walks after mum went to bed. but the walks were mostly leisurely walks rather than brisk walks. i didn't have the motivation nor the push to do any medium/ high intensity exercises given my very drained state of mind at the end of each day. the continued pain in my feet and knees also limited my abilities to exercise. to compensate for the lack of exercise, i ended up managing my diet although i didn't think i managed it well too heh... food has always been my weakness. but the fact that i had to always finish mum's unfinished dinner and post-dinner snacks made this a little more challenging. you see, mum has this habit of wanting to eat different things for dinner and she'd push them to me after taking a bite or two, claiming that she's already full or that she wanted something else. and after dinner, she'd also ask for her favourite snacks that include fried fritters (you char kueh), fried dough (hum cheem paeng) or nonya kuehs. and similar to her dinner, she'd take a bite and pushed everything to me. i had to resort to hiding the things and throwing them away when she was not looking many a times. other than that, 2015 was also marked with prolonged back and shoulder aches that required extended intensive chiropractic treatments and  toothaches that ended up with me crowing 2 of my molars... i am sure 2016 will not be easy for me health-wise given my age and the many chronic conditions i have (kidney stones, plantar fasciitis, knee pains, back, neck, shoulder aches, etc etc etc) but i will and want to continue living healthily.

work & professional development

work overtook mum to be my biggest stressor in 2015. much as i was an adaptable person who plays the team-player role well, i was placed under huge amounts of stress 2015 by an abusive boss. his abusive nature and his branding me a liar convinced me early in the year of the need to move on from my current company. i tolerated him much as i held my stand and maintained a cordial working relationship with him. mid-year, he tasked me to take over almost the whole port folio of another colleague, saying that i was underwork and overpaid. it was obvious he did not know what i had done and was not receptive to my briefing about the system i had build for the company in my 2-3 years there. added to that, he remarked that although i did not perform up to standards, he would still award me with a bonus as "i needed money to look after my mum". i felt rather insulted by this remark but didn't say anything further. it became clear later on that he said all those things because he wanted to justify his assigning of the new tasks to me and to manage my colleague out of the company. on the bright side, i obtained my professional certificate in talent management in february this year. this was perhaps the highlight for me at work. on top of that, with the new tasks imposed onto me, i told myself that it would do me a lot of good to reframe the situation and make it work for me. from a half-full perspective, the additional tasks provided me the extra push to learn things that were beyond what i was exposed to and it was because of this learning opportunity that i decided to stay a while longer at my current company. when i am sufficiently trained and have expanded my professional network, i would be more marketable and i will move on at the earliest opportunity. so for 2016, i foresee myself moving on to a new company. it will be painful for me considering all the relationships i had built with my colleagues, but it is a necessary step to take for my own career development.

friends & colleagues

for friends, 2015 was not much different from previous years. i was able to keep the relationships going and meet ups happened, although rather infrequently. but i made the efforts and i was glad i did as it allowed me to maintain a healthy level of bonds between me and some of my closer friends. significantly, death also visited my friends (and their family) this year too. in june, i received news that the daughter of a friend was killed while on a leadership trip to mount kinabalu. it hit me somewhat cos i had watched the child grow up since she was born. it was not natural to visit a child's funeral and see the child in the coffin. at work, i lost a colleague to cancer. it added to the list of death that happened in 2015 and everyone of us who knew her, mourned her loss quietly. and compared to previous years where i initiated much activities (both formal and informal) amongst my colleagues to bring people together, i maintained a very low profile this year. i did not see any value in doing it due to the very abusive nature of my boss who liked to question every single thing we do. but i was glad my colleagues rallied around me, each in their own little personal ways. i was rather surprised and touched by the frequent little notes and messages of encouragements from across the different positional levels in the company. it was very heart warming. friends and colleagues were also a major source of support for me when mum passed away. i was surprised by the huge amount of support that poured in after her passing. during this period, quite a few friends (and even online friends) surprised me by staying throughout the process with me, to support me emotionally and kept in contact constantly even after the funeral. frankly, the support and encouragement given was a huge source of strength for me. i foresee having more time in 2016 to strengthen my relationships with my friends. and that is what i will do - build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends.

bloggers/ blogging

my blogging frequency dropped in 2015. for that matter, the total number of entries for the whole of 2015 was less than half of that seen in 2014. compared to previous years where i would simply pen my thoughts at the end of the day, my blogging pattern in 2015 was such that i would blog only once or, at most, twice at the end of the work week. i was too drained at the end of each day and i was not motivated to write. and added to that, i found myself trending towards writing about all the negativity at work. my lack of motivation to blog was perhaps best reflected in the fact that this entry was written over a 2-day period from 31 dec 2015 to 1 jan 2016 and i had to post-date it to 23:59hrs 31 dec 2015 so that it could be listed as the final entry for 2015. for 2016, i will certainly continue to write. and i am sure, with the new phase in life that i am entering, my entries will 2016 will be different from those in my previous years.

home/ personal effects

there were indeed many changes in the home front this year. and i guessed this was, to a large part, due to the fact that i had lived in my condo for almost 18 years. the wear and tear had started to appear since last year where i experienced water seepage in my kitchen. something similar also happened towards the end of the year where my neighbours downstairs lodged a complain about water seepage from my unit. apparently, the water pipes in my bedroom started leaking and water entered his unit resulting in the warping of his wall papers... darned water pipes. other than that, my washing machine also broke down. ended up shopping for a new replacement. my car reached it's 10-year life cycle and i had to get a replacement to ensure mum's mobility (to bring her out for dinners, shopping, medical reviews, etc). and i installed ceiling fans in my bedrooms to improve the circulation to address mum's complains that she felt warm at night. i ended the year repainting mum's room. there will likely be more such replacements in the year 2016 and objectively speaking, i will wait for sapphie to die first before i do any refurbishment/ renovation for the house. let's see how things go.

in conclusion, 2015 was a really trying and eventful year for me on all fronts. at the national-level, it was the country's 50's anniversary and amidst the year-long celebrations, the country mourned the lost of our founding father. it was a bitter sweet year for all. for me, it was not much different. it was a year filled with many endings (and new beginnings). there were huge challenges, ups and downs, happiness and sadness. and from my reflections, it was clear that the demise of many people around me (and my car), and the trying environment at work shaped the year to a huge extend. on the other hand, this year was also one that forced me out of my comfort zones. and through it all, i was forced to adapt, to learn and to grow. and from this perspective, the year was a challenging but a good one. 2016 will certainly be a year of new experiences and major adjustments in life. i look forward to it.

happy 2016 everyone.

calendar from colleague

i received quite a few calendars lately and had passed them to the different colleagues who needed calendars. many accepted the calendars happily and some even asked for specific features - e.g. calendars with bigger layout to allow them to scribble their notes, or calendars with animals, etc, and i was glad i was able to fulfil their requests. frankly, of the few calendars i obtained, i do really liked one particular design and i had 2 of it. but i decided to give them away cos i don't really need them. if i had kept them, it would be such a waste cos i'd probably discard them sometime later. i was glad everyone managed to get what they wanted and was happy. 

and today, i was literally thrown off my chair when one colleague came up to me and handed me a beautiful floral-designed box. i opened up the box and in it was a very beautifully designed calendar. now, this colleague had recently undergone a major brain tumour operations and i had kept close tabs on her well-being throughout her recuperation period. she is still not able to talk and as she passed me the calendar, she held my hands and said softly "jeffrey, this is for you. thank you for all you have done for me. happy new year". i really didn't know how to react that very moment. i simply thanked her for it and returned the new year wishes...

felt so touched by her gesture.

:-)

biggest embarrassment of 2015

the year had been a very stressful one for me, and perhaps it was nice that it ended with a big laugh for me. so, laugh with me, laugh at me, or simply, just laugh it out loud... here's what happened... 

this week was a super short week and the office had just finished renovation. things in the office were being moved and furnitures were being carried around. and yesterday, for some reasons (that was only known to me), i decided to freeball to office. well, if you are not sure what the word "freeball" meant, well, ahem... it simply meant to go without any underwear, i.e. go commando. and so there i was, walking around in office in my executive pants and without any underwear. it was not something new to me frankly. i had done it before (shy laugh)...

now, at the office, because of the renovation, there were quite a bit of stuff to be discarded. and as for me, there were some posters that needed to be mounted onto the wall. and as the posters were too big, i had to cut them into smaller pieces. i had to do it on the floor due to the large size and as i bended down to cut it, i heard a "piak". and next thing i knew, i felt the cool air con wind blew into my ass crack! hahaha... i froze for that moment and quickly used my hand to feel the tear. it was so huge it stretched from my balls between my legs to my waistline via my rear. as my staff had walked off to get some things from the cubicle, i managed to catch a quick glance at the mirror and wooohhh... i saw my own butt crack! 

hahah... i quickly shifted my butt away from the mirrors that lined the walls behind me as i proceeded with the cutting! i couldn't afford to have my staff see the reflections of my exposed butt in the mirror! once i completed, i conveniently excused myself and quickly walked home to sew my pants! thank goodness i lived within 15 min from my office and was able to get home without too much trouble.

:-)

picture from www.active.com

injured sapphie

sapphie had been walking with a very bad limp lately. and judging from how she limps, it seemed like her front left paw is injured. let's hope she recovered quickly from it. so for these couple of days, i've been carrying her down to pee and shit. she could hardly walk properly i didn't want her injury to get worst.

painting mum's room

i had finally completed the painting of mum's room! had done it slowly over the last 3 days, and spending an average of 2 hours a day. am glad it was done. the room looked totally brand new. painting the room, i must say, was rather therapeutic. and i do also add that it helped me move on.

:-)

terminating people

i had my first taste of managing the process of terminating people last week and it was not a pleasant experience. had initially thought i'd be asked to terminate the staff myself but thankfully, my boss decided to do it himself. there was an air of anxiety through the day and my boss gave instructions for me to summon the staff to see him at a specific time. it was not easy for me to do it but i was glad all things ended well and that the staff was handled very sensitively.

later that evening, the staff texted me and thanked me for all the sharing and advices over the past weeks. am glad the staff took the termination in stride. as for my boss, i really don't think he knew the amount of backend groundwork and counseling done over the past many weeks to manage the staffs morale. it wasn't easy to face and speak to people who were emotional and highly stressed. the counseling went on even after the termination. the contractual obligations may end with the termination but the relationship will continue. it is what responsible employers should do.

it was a learning experience for me. not just from the process but also in how to strike a very clear balance between expressing my stand as a hr person vs that of a friend. some things you know but cannot say, some things you cannot say as a hr person but could advice as a friend... it was not easy but i thought i drew my line fairly well and the staff understood and did not press. am glad it was over.

:-)

the good dinosaur

i brought my niece and nephew (the um came along too) to watch this show. its their first time watching a movie and they were totally awe struck by the experience. they couldn't stop talking about it after the show. it's been a good weekend for them i supposed. brought them out to but their school shoes and bags yesterday and watch a movie today. school reopens first week january 2016 and i have only this weekend to bring them out.

heh heh...

ip man 3

this is, in my opinion, the best show in the series. it went beyond kung fu and touched on human emotions. the show kept you wondering what the finale would be like. and unlike what the trailer suggests and what previous shows did, it did not climax with the fight with the oppressive guai lou played by mike tyson (and who spoke shitty cantonese). in fact, that particular fight ended rather abruptly. if any, and on hindsight, that fight gave them back the "face" they lost during the previous episodes - that guai lou do indeed have the ability to honour their words, despite their superiority complex. and to me, the most impactful phrase in the whole show came in the last minutes of the show. it went something like "what's important in life is not about winning or losing, it's about the people we are closest to..."

beautiful!

still no calls...

the job that i was interviewed for... the one that told me they'd contact me with an offer in december...

well, there was no news till now. and i decided to contact the hiring manager. i simply sent her a christmas greeting and wished her a blessed 2016 at the same time. i didn't mentioned anything about the job offer but i guessed she caught my hint for she replied that she's overseas and that she'll contact me when she's back in jan 16.... frankly, after my previous experiences with big companies, i don't want to have any major expectations this time round. 

if it happens, it happens. if not, i'll just move on.

sapphie - an aged dog

sapphie aged terribly over the last month. so much so that i decided to check with the vet the number i should call should she die suddenly. nothing beats being prepared.

i brought her to the beach yesterday. it had been a long while since i did so. and i realised she could no longer swim the way she used to previously. in fact, she could barely balance herself on the sand and tripped a few times into the water. i had to carry her into the water and let her enjoy the cool water... but of cos i couldn't do it for long cos she started shivering after a while...

:-)

clearing things

have been making the effort to clear things from my house these past few weeks.

and today, i cleared out most of mum's things from her bedroom. decided to dismantle the maid's bed too since she had moved out and at the same time, discarded mum's mattress protector, pillows, etc. the mattress protector was stained with her urine and when i lifted it up, there were piles of newspapers underneath. i had almost forgotten i had laid extra newspapers to prevent the urine from seeping onto the mattress itself. anyway, much as these are dirtied, they were used by my mum. and gross as it might sound, they meant something to me. they were the remnants of things that were used by mum... still, the objective part of me decided to just discard them all. the room looked terribly empty now.

lots more stuff to discard in the days ahead.

maid moved out...

my maid moved out this week. and so the whole house is so bloody quiet now, only the dog and i. things are slowly unfolding - one by one - after mum's death. i need to get use to it. frankly, i have not gotten used to it. much as i try to convince myself and people around me that i am moving on well, i find myself still tearing frequently when i talked about mum. but of cos, i am able to mask my tears and my choking quite well these days.

i have been lazy. have not gone about settling the house deed, the transfer of the maid, etc. didn't know where to start and how to start, frankly. and so, i decided that i'd just let things take its natural course. the government will write to me eventually, just like how the cpf board had written to me to get me to advice them about my bank account so that they can transfer mum's cpf (which had a few tens of dollars left) to me (and my siblings).

go with the flow... things will sort out by itself. 

immunisation

got myself immunised last weekend from the northern flu. been doing this yearly.

and though the week, had been feeling rather feverish. heh... then again i've never really felt healthy anyway, considering i either have aches here or there, or  coughs, or toothaches, or... there'll always be some issues with my health. and talking about coughs, i have been coughing almost none stop for the past many months. i probably tell the doctor about this when i see her next in jan 16. let's hope there's nothing nasty in me...

:-)

diana - princess diana movie

watched this two nights ago at m.y.'s place.

was interesting to see how the director twisted the story a little. the diana in this show was rather scheming person. but amidst all the twist, one thing remained the same - that the princess was terribly lonely. a very bad state of being. and i do admit, i had been a huge fan of the late princess diana. had followed her ever since her wedding to prince charles. and i was terribly sad when she died. and so, when i watch this show, i felt rather mixed about how they portrayed the princess. that she made used of dodi in her attempt to get hasnat to call her, that her love for hasnat had not died... quite an interesting twist after all. considering all these while, we had been told and made to believe that it was hasnat that dumped her and that she fell in love with dodi...

then again, we may never really know the real story. and it would do us very well to just let her rest in eternal peace.

i enjoyed the show nonetheless.

star wars: the force awakens

watched the show with bee last night and i was brought back to my childhood, in all sense. found myself behaving like a little kid throughout the show! was a simple story but what won me over, over and over again were:

• the appearance of the characters i was so familiar with - han solo, chewbacca, c3po, r2d2 and last but not least, luke skywalker - their aged faces made it even more authentic for me. it's like they've grown old with me, or me them - whatever (of cos, i was not sure if the person inside the chewie costume was the same person, but what the heck right?). and of cos, it didn't matter that some characters were not there, characters that were equated to the star wars series (e.g. yoda), or characters that i thought were rather irritating (e.g. jar jar binks)...

• and i liked how each of the old characters were introduced one by one throughout the show, all the way until the end of the show. i got all excited again and again when they appeared, like how han solo and chewy appeared, and then how princess (i still prefer to call her princess) leia walked out of the spaceship, i swear i could recognise her even if she was 80!, and there was c3po, and r2d2... and just when i thought i'd be disappointed with the lack of luke skywalker, he was brought to life just before the show ended!

• the whole feel of the show. it felt like just yesterday when i first watch star wars (to be exact, i first watched in it when i was in primary 5?) - the desert feel, the foreign planet, the flying machines, the aliens, etc... and since i watched the 3d version, which was an added plus, added so much more depth to the scene - the size and magnitude of the space craft, etc. and to top it off, advances in computer graphics made the whole effects all so much more real! very nice!

• well, these characters have become part and parcel of star wars. you can never remove them. ever. of cos, the introduction of new characters was a nice addition. and i must add, quite guiltily, that i have also come to find bb-8 rather likeable. heh heh... liking bb-8 felt like betraying my lifelong affections for c3po and r2d2! and come to think of it, doesn't c3po and r3d2 come across as a perfect gay couple, considering they are both masculine in nature, despite both being robots? hmm, and now we have a 3-some... haha...

• and of cos, the signature theme song completed the total sensory experience for me. 

having gushed so much about the show, there were bits of the show that made me a little sad, although i saw it coming. scenes like how han solo died, that was a really sad part for me. but... yeah, i supposed some characters need to be replaced over time. and with the new characters being introduced, i think we can expect more star wars to come in future...

ps: just read from wikipedia that the person who played chewbacca was the same person who played the character in 1977 too! omg!

pps: oh, there were parts of the theme song that reminded me of the theme song of the chinese tv series - 倚天屠龙记... but that is another thing altogether.

49

well, in less than an hour's time, i'll be 49.

tomorrow is the start of my last year before i enter my 50s. thus, it would probably not be too appropriate for me to reflect about my 40s now. heh... so i shall use this post to talk about how i will be spending my 49th birthday. and talking about it, it sounded kinda funny to note that i am only 48! cos i have long considered myself 49, or for that matter 50! lol! 

for a start, a few work-related acquaintances (e.g. headhunter, and colleagues) had already sent me their birthday greetings. and as expected, after i thanked them for their well-wishes, they asked me how i would be celebrating it. and my response to them was "i won't be celebrating cos technically, i am still in mourning" and they went "oh, i am so sorry" or "oh, sorry for being insensitive". heh... such a wet blanket right? then again, i appreciated their wishes. and for a couple of closer friends who were a little more sensitive, they actually texted me and asked if we could meet up for dinner "to catch up" (and not mentioned about the birthday thingee). so sweet of them right? i politely tell them we'll arrange for dinner soon (and soon can be rather vague right?). so, how will i be spending my birthday? well let's see.

i will wake up 6.45am (as usual), head off for work 7.30am (as usual), work till its time to knock off (as usual), and then meet up with bee for a simple dinner (almost as usual). so, i guess it will be as my usual routine. to me, birthdays is nothing but just another day to commemorate or remember the day when i was brought into this world. it is a day that is as meaningful or as significant as we make it to be. and for a person like me who had hardly celebrated my birthdays, tomorrow will still be just another day for me. having said that, this year's birthday will be different - this is my first birthday without my mum. and just last month, she had promised to buy me a birthday dinner...

haha... i am beginning to sound like a little boy again.

happy birthday to me.

:-)

women@work

i almost had my first taste of terminating a staff this week.

felt really lousy about it as i know this staff quite well. i personally felt this was all due to a lack of, or rather, a refusal of the boss to connect. then again, as in all teams, both the leader and the follower need to want to align, and if any one party refuses to do so, there is no more team. and the reality of life is that the leader always has his/ her way in the end. anyway, the termination did not occur, it was simply postponed due to technical reasons (of documentations). it will still happen sooner or later. and when that moment comes, i will still have to execute it. 

sighs...

niece & nephew

my niece and nephew had been superbly attached to me following mum's passing.

for my niece, she's been calling me nightly to chat with me. while this was arranged by her mum (my sis-in-law) during the initial days, it has since become her own routine to call me now. for a 5-year old, i was deeply impressed by her ability to remember my mobile number and to call me by herself.

as for my nephew, he's still too young to fully comprehend the concept of death. and during the initial days following my mum's passing, he would still ask me "where is ah-ma?". these days, he no longer asks me this question. but rather, he would ask me "why ah ma died, and how come she's in heaven now" (my brother kept telling him mum has gone to heaven).

brought them to the natural history museum yesterday and it was so heartwarming when both of them kept pestering me to carry them and they both fought for my attention. i was also surprised when my nephew spontaneously hugged me (and very tightly too), and kissed my cheeks several times when i least expected it. 

i am not sure how my routine will be like in future with mum's passing. as it stands, i am still heading to my brother's place on weekends. whether this routine will change in future, i don't know. but one thing i am quite certain, i will try as far as i can to ensure they grow up well. will do my best to expose them to knowledge and to ground them on good values.

:-)

4 weeks & she's still around...

it has been 28 days since mum's passing. 

but mum's influence and grip over me still haunts me. i could still feel her around. and i am always reminded of her although i know physically she'll never appear anymore. as it stands, i am still going through similar routines as compared to when she was alive - leave for work at 7.30am, back home at 6.30pm, going to my brother's place on weekends, etc. such routines had been established over the years. and even with her gone, these routines remained. and as always, the habit of wondering if she'd call me, wondering and worrying about her well-being, etc kept coming to me throughout the day. and to a certain extend, there's this slight feeling of guilt if i do not stick to the routines. 

once a while, i do have this feeling of guilt over things that i did not do for her. and at times, i do also feel guilty and bad when i get reminded of those times where i had been disrespectful, such as when i got angry or when i raised my voice at her. i had to very consciously remind myself to forgive myself and that i had done what i needed to do for her to my best abilities. it's very conflicting but when such thoughts arise, it can get rather difficult.

this weekend is the first weekend where the maid is not around. she had gone back to her home country and will only be back this coming thursday. and it was a good time for me to clean up the house. i had previously not insisted for her to do the housecleaning according to how i wanted it done. her focus was to take care of mum, as i had briefed her when she first started work with us. everything else was secondary. and every so often, i would turn the house upside down to clean those hidden places and spaces. and that was what i did over this weekend. 

at the same time, i took the opportunity to clear quite a bit of both mum's stuff as well as mine. many were things that i didn't throw immediately after she left us. emotions was too raw back then and i could only throw away all her medication, and donated things that i thought would benefit others. and today, i emptied her cabinets and threw away all her underwear, bra, and some personal stuff - her facial cream, her medicated oils, etc. and after emptying the cabinet, i used it to store my stuff.

it didn't feel so raw today. but as i held on to her personal stuff, memories of her flooded back to me. these were her things and it had much sentimental value to me. to many, it would probably be just some old rags and underwear but to me, images of how i groomed her, changed her, etc all came back. it didn't feel good. nonetheless, i mustered myself to discard all of them. it would probably be best to cut off all such physical attachments as early as i can. there was this very sour feeling in me as i threw them away. but i did not cry. with her passing, i need to move forward. i need to continue to remind myself to take control of myself. 

i know i will be haunted by her presence, by her memories, by my sense of being tied to her for quite a while. the frequency and intensity of being hit by emotions are beginning to ebb. and so, as cliche as it might sound, i know that time heals. and for me, the memory stays.

maid leaving

well, i have not written much about my domestic helper since my mum's passing.

i engaged her 2 years back to look after mum. and just a month ago, she said she wanted to extend her contract with us as she enjoyed working for us. i told her that her contract with us would be valid for as long as mum was alive, to which she acknowledged. so with that, i got her work permit extended for another 2 years. with mum's passing, which occurred a tat too suddenly, i was faced with the need to terminate her contract. it had not been an easy 3 weeks for her, particularly during the first week following mum's demise. she struggled with the passing while at the same time carrying out her duties to do the needful at home. i had promised her i would look for an employer and to do the transfer for her. she knew i could not keep her for under local laws, single men cannot have domestic helpers. 

the search for an employer for her was a rather tricky one. one potential employer recommended by her friend did not materialise as the guy said he only needed a maid in jan 16. also, my neighbour had also earlier considered taking her in, but later withdrew due to objections from her mother. given her closeness to my brother's family, i asked her if she'd like to work for him. she declined as she felt she'd be stressed by my brother's character. i eventually approached the maid agency that brought her in to assist in sourcing for an employer for her. but in the end, she changed her mind and decided to work for my brother instead. she said she wanted to continue visiting mum and that she also missed my niece and nephew.

and so, with all these decisions made, i arranged for her to return back to her country for a 10-day break. she will start work with my brother when she returns. she leaves tomorrow morning and i will be sending her to the airport at about 5am. her departure marks the closing of another chapter of my life - a chapter that ended with the passing of mum.

year of death

for now, i have more or less decided to name this year the "year of death". not too nice a name but, to me, rather appropriate. in all, and as of today, there were 8 deaths that affected me rather hard. of these, 7 were people/ pet whom i had personal interactions with:

• 23 mar 15: lky, founding father of singapore
• 17 apr 15: daisy, a family dog of a close friend
• 5 jun 15: rachel, the child of a friend who died while climbing mt kinabalu 
• 16 jun 15: yati, a colleague who died of cancer 
• 22 jun 15: my dad's 3rd brother
• 12 aug 15: my god sis-in-law
• 16 nov 15: my mum's passing
• 3 dec 15: my mum's second brother-in-law

for some, there was not even time to mourn/ be part of the mourning process given the closeness of the events. really hope there will not be further such news for 2015.

my uncle's passing

my uncle (my mum's second sister's husband) passed away 5 days ago on 3 dec 2015, 1818hrs. the funeral was today and the family did not tell us of it until after the funeral as we are still mourning over mum's passing.

the news stunt me for a moment despite the fact that i had not kept in active contact with them.

sighs...

mol

i went for my chiro treatment today. and as usual, i travelled along the mce, an underground expressway. now this expressway, when it emerges from the underground, runs along the side of the sea and one could see container ships berthed at the seaport. and this morning, once i emerged from underground and saw the ship berthed there, i choked and my eyes welled up with tears. i was brought back to the exact scene and time 3 weeks ago.

it was exactly 3 weeks ago that i drove along this route to visit the chiro and mum was in the car with me back then. she was drowsy and her eyes were closed as i drove along. when i emerged from the underground, the ship that was berthed there had three capital letters emblazoned across the side - "mol", it read (something similar to the picture). i asked mum to take a look and she read it out "m, o, l..." and i told mum that it meant "mol"-ly's ship, molly being her name. she turned to me and hissed "you always like to tease me using my name!"... and we laughed about it. innocently (or confusedly), she added "molly's ship? ahhh... i don't know la, i don't know..." and her eyes closed again, she was drowsy. i didn't know that this would be signs of her failing kidneys and that she would leave me forever 2 days later...

remembering this made me tear... in fact, the journey to the chiro this morning was an emotional one for me. every little distance i covered reminded me of mum. and at the clinic, my chiro send his condolences after the initial pleasantries. i choked for a while... sighs...

i think i'm gonna be faced with such emotional experiences for quite sometime.

dreams...

i've been having very disturbed sleep these couple of weeks... and on several nights, there were lotsa dreams, most of which i couldn't recall once i woke up. but there were a few that was very vivid. these were:

• last week, in one of my dreams, mum appeared. i didn't see her, but i felt her presence. and weirdly in the dream, i was alone. and then i saw a baby. it looked like my niece for a moment, and the next moment, i seemed like the baby was a nephew. whatever the case, i picked the baby up (when it was my nephew), and then i realised it had a vagina instead of a penis. and i reached out and pressed my hands onto the vagina, convinced that it was a boy (nephew) instead of a girl. next thing i knew, it morphed into a penis - an adult penis, for that matter. the whole dream was weird. i woke up after that...

• in the second dream that occurred earlier this week (2 dec), my dad appeared and reminded me that it was my mum's birthday and that i must (he insisted, i must) celebrate for her. again, mum was in the dream, not physically but i could sense her presence. and it seemed she was smiling, quietly. i guessed this dream was a case of my subconscious playing up, given the fact that i had planned with mum previously to have a nice quiet dinner with her on her birthday. but during the wake, the funeral co-ordinator told us that there was no need to celebrate her gregorian calendar birthday (2 dec) but her lunar birthday instead (that would fall on 15 dec).

• in one more dream, i could only recall the fact that mum was in the dream. she was smiling at me. other than that, i couldn't recall anything at all about this dream.

• last night, i had a weird dream. in my dream, i seemed to be on a holiday and i was floating in midair and looking at wave-beaten cliffs. it looked like a scene from 12 apostles (Australia) are, only that in the dream, it wasn't. as my view panned out of the cliff, i saw golden shiny stupas and thai-style palaces. it looked like a scene from thailand except that i cannot identify where in thailand that place was. and in the mids of all the stupas and palaces, i saw bee and a group of his friends enjoying themselves there. i was looking at them merry making from up in the sky and was totally divorced from them. it was a very depressing scene.

i really do not know how to interpret some of these dreams. then again, i didn't try. 

mum's 83rd birthday

today would have been mum's 83rd birthday if she was still alive.

and for no good reasons, my dad appeared in my dream early this morning and he reminded me that i must celebrate mum's birthday for her. the dream was so vivid that i was awakened by it. for a moment, i was caught in a dilemma cos we were told specifically that we should commemorate her lunar birthday and not the gregorian calendar birthday. 

i had breakfast with bee this morning and i started tearing when i thought about her birthday. and when he dropped me off near my workplace, i decided to head to the park to cool myself down before heading up to my office. but i ended up breaking down and crying in the park. it was good that my work took my mind off for the whole of the day. i was reminded of the birthday again when i reached home after work. i wanted to head off for a simple dinner and i thought about how i should commemorate her birthday. objectively, i should just move on. but on the other hand, my dad's reminder in my dream this morning disturbed me. 

it so happened bee suggested having dinner in town. and that was what i did. and as i settled into the restaurant, i asked for an extra set of cutlery to be placed on the table. i filled up the plate with food and ordered a bowl of rice too. these were meant to be for mum. she'd be enjoying the dinner if she were around. i felt waves after waves of sadness as i ate and i teared during dinner. it must have looked rather weird to the waiters for they kept asking if i was waiting for another friend, and when we were done, they asked if they should pack the unfinished food. i simply forced a smile and told them there was no need to. i supposed they would freaked out if i told them i had prepared the place for my late mum. anyway...

i had done what i needed to do to give myself a closure to the dream and my promise to mum that i would buy her a simple dinner.

happy birthday mum.

"rawness" of emotions

since mum's passing, i kept getting hit by emotions. it was terrible especially during the initial days following the funeral. but gradually, i began to better myself at controlling the emotions. so, i don't get hit by it so often.

i supposed work helped a lot. i kept myself occupied. yet, i must say that it felt terribly awkward that i had to remind myself that i need not keep looking and checking my phone. this was something i had been doing all these years, worrying about whether mum called and if i failed to answer, whether she would worry or worst still, get suspicious of who i was with.

and in the evenings, it was difficult cos i suddenly find myself with some time. there was no one to go shopping with, and no one to dine with now. for a few nights, i asked the maid to settle her own dinner, to head out to meet her friends or whatever. as for me, i ended up walking rather aimlessly at the shopping centers. i guess i have not gotten used to staying at home.

i think i will need time to reach a new balance in my daily routines. 

settling mum's post-life admin

she passed away on the 16 nov. and on the 17 nov, i started calling the different hospital specialist centers and all the different clinics where she has appointments to cancel them and to inform them that she had passed away. for the general hospital and their specialist clinics, they were very fast. when i called them, they informed me that all her appointments had been cancelled. as for the mental health clinic, i was asked to write in to their records office, which i did promptly and they replied almost as quickly to send their condolences and to tell me that they had updated their records and cancelled all her future appointments.

her funeral was on friday and as saturday and sunday were non-working days, i had to apply half day leave on the following monday to clear her account at her rehab center. at the same time, i gave away ang pows to the center's staff to show my appreciation for their love and care for my mum over the last 3 years. i knew it was not required as they were simply doing their work, but inwardly, it made me feel a lot better to show my appreciations. and apart from donating mum's walking aid,  wheelchair, diapers and beverages, i also made a donation to the center in my mum's name. i thought these were the least i could do to help the center and to give honour to my mum. similarly on that morning, i decided to close my joint bank account that i had opened with my mum some 20-over years ago. the bank staff was rather surprised that i wanted to close the account, considering it was such an old one and that the number was rather "nice". 

with this completed, i went back to work. 

mourning period

although the mourning period was over, technically, we are still in mourning. we were told by the funeral co-ordinator to symbolically have a haircut before the 7th day and if we don't we will have to observe not cutting our hair for at least 100 days. i am totally not sure what the reasons are but still, thought it is better to observe what we were told. anyway, the following are the dates where we have to do the necessary prayers for mum...

• 7th day:  22 nov 2015 
• 21st day:  6 dec 2015
• first lunar birthday after passing: 15 dec 2015
• 35th day: 20 dec 2015
• 49th day: 3 jan 2015
• 100th day: 23 feb 2016
• first tombsweeping commemoration: to be conducted early (or latest on the actual day)
• first anniversary

and there are guidelines with regards how the prayers are to be done... 4 fruits, vegetarian meals, etc... well, the list goes on. for me, i will be observing my mourning obligations such as no celebrations of any kind for the first 100 days. and this mean there will be no birthday celebrations (for my nephew and i), no chinese new year celebrations, etc. and on top of that, no commemorating of the god's birthdays for 3 years. i will also be observing minimally vegetarianism for the first 49 days. and if i can, i wouldn't mind doing it for 100 days.

the "aftermath"

the following lists some additonal thoughts/ events that happened after the funeral...

• as mentioned, we did not tell any relatives about mum's passing due to the less than healthy intra- and inter-family dynamics. i didn't even make any postings in my facebook. for that matter, i set my security settings to keep all my postings viewable only to myself. this was to ensure my cousins (who were in my friend list) were kept out of the loop too. the wake and the funeral went smoothly. but i knew i had to go into a expectations/ relationship management mode immediately after the funeral. that very evening after the funeral, i called my paternal aunt once i reached home to update her about the news. i had to do so at the earliest possible time to impress upon her my sincerity in informing her, and at the same time apologise to her for not telling her any earlier. it was my mum's wish to keep the news of her passing to only my immediate family member, i said. my aunt was not too pleased, but accepted it after i told her i needed to respect my mum's wishes. i also texted all my cousins to tell them of mum's passing and to apologise for not telling them earlier. i told them i would call them when i was more settled given that i was in no state to talk then as emotions was still very raw. i was glad they understood. with all my relatives informed, i opened up my facebook security setting again and posted mum's photo with dates "02.12.1932 - 16.11.2015" written against the photo.

• the funeral was on friday. and on saturday, larry called up and asked to meet for breakfast. he knew i had breakfast with mum on weekends and wanted to meet me. and as i made my way to the market for breakfast and to buy breakfast for the maid. it felt really different without mum and as i drove out of the house, i broke down. it took me a good 5 minutes to get myself composed as i drove. i broke down again when i reached the car park. it was really bad. as i waited for larry, my ex-neighbour called. she had seen mum's picture in my facebook the night before and wanted to talk to me. she called and asked why i didn't inform her of mum's passing. and as we spoke, she cried and as for me, i broke down again. it was so unglam for an adult man to cry in public but i couldn't control myself. my tears just flowed and i choked and could not continue the phone conversation.

• larry left after breakfast and i walked around, feeling dazed. i ended up buying all the stuffs needed for the 7th day prayer. the stuffs i bought were taoist in nature and were largely to meet my brother's requirements. in all, i bought boxes of earthly materials (paper clothes, hell monies, paper footwear, daily necessities, etc) for both mum and dad and the "standard" paraphernalia for the prayers. with all these done, i made my way home. naturally, i traced the usual path that i used to walk with mum instead of walking directly to the car park. you see, mum was wheelchair bound and thus, we had to walk the wheelchair friendly path instead of cutting across the roads directly. i started tearing again as i walked.

• felt totally lost on saturday and as i stood by my window looking out, i almost wanted to jump down. it was good that my sanity prevailed and i told myself i needed to keep myself composed. i walked away from the window after that and refrained from going near the window for the few days after that.

• it was terribly difficult to manage myself in my daily routines especially when everywhere i go to, everyone i met would ask me about mum and where was she. it was the same in the shopping centres, it was the same at the hawker centers, the wet markets, etc. and this was so because mum and i had been seen at all these places together for the past many years. and every time, i would choke when i had to tell them that mum had passed away. naturally, they would probe or expressed surprise given that they had just "recently" seen mum and that she seemed healthy and smiling happily... so i ended up having to talk about her health and how she passed away etc. so... one such person who got rather emotional was this myanmar lady fried fritters seller at the nearby shopping center. mum would eat the products from her stall very frequently and over time, she got to know us. mum visited her less than a week before her passing. she learned about mums passing from my maid (who was from myanmar too) and when she saw me, she literally stopped her business and came to talk to me. she kept saying how sad and disoriented she felt and how she lost focus in managing the store etc. i got emotional and walked away, only to return later to show her mum's funeral photos... yup, that was mum's effect on many people.

reflecting mum's passing...

the following were some additional things i want to capture. and i wanted to do so cos i realised that i cannot really remember everything that happened now. i supposed i was so overwhelmed by every thing and the highly charged events that happened almost everyday. anyway...

• at the moment of my mum's passing, i did not cry. in fact, the feeling i felt was very conflicting. on one hand, i grieved, yet on the other hand, i felt very at peace. i grieved for my mum's passing, i grieved for that fact that the woman whom i was closest to my whole live had passed on. yet i felt at peace for the fact that i had done all i could to provide for her and that she had passed on very peacefully. her last breathe looked so natural as though she heave a huge sigh of relieve as she died. and from that sense, it calmed me somewhat.

• my brother agreed with me to have a buddhist funeral for mum. but when he realised that the funeral did not include the burning of paper effigies (male & female servants), cars, houses, etc for the deceased, he became uncomfortable. how would mum live if she didn't have a house, how could she possibly be with dad and 'live' comfortably in the afterlife when she did not have all these material things, he said. well, i understood his tensions. his mental model of afterlife was one the mirrors the living. i simply told him to do as he deemed fit. after all, to me, these rituals were more for the living than the deceased. and i could understand that he was coming from a taoist angle. he only retracted all these requirements after the funeral parlour representative told him that since mum had taken refuge in buddhism, all these were not necessary. nonetheless, all these taoist-related requirements kept coming up through the course of the wake/ funeral/ cremation. i simply let him be. 随缘 (go with the flow, as long as you are happy), that was the principle i adopted throughout the time.

• both my niece and my nephew reacted differently to mum's passing. for a start, my niece is 5 years old and could comprehend what had happened. throughout the wake, she refused to take a look at mum's body. she was afraid. as for my nephew, he was 3 years old and he was still not old enough to understand what had happened. during the wake, he kept saying that "ah ma has died" and played around the coffin. yet, when i visited him after the funeral, he asked "where is ah ma, how come ah ma did not come".

• i was touched by the many friends, colleagues, etc that came down for the wake. these included my ex-ceo. he was someone whom i had never had the chance to talk personally when he was the ceo. i was deeply touched he made the effort to come down. similarly, i was also touched by the fact that my staff from my previous employment came down in droves to give me their support. added to that a few whom i did not have the chance to work with cos i left the unit not too long after they joined the team also visited. most of these staff were malay and they even send wreaths to the wake. a few of them even came down a few times and as they did, they brought more people with them. as for my personal friends, many came down despite years of not keeping in contact. quite a few of them came down on multiple nights as a show of support. i deeply appreciate by their efforts. and added to that, many continued to called and/ or texted me all the way until this week to check on me and to make sure i have been coping well. it made me feel comforted.

• the maid grieved for mum in her own ways. she was the closest mum despite having started her stint with us on shaky grounds. throughout the wake, she kept herself busy serving drinks and snacks to the guests. and often a times, she would stand by the side of mum's coffin and stared at mum's body. she stayed over at the funeral parkour on the last two nights as she could not sleep well at home. she would be reminded of mum, she said. having said that, she did not dare sleep in mum's room on saturday and sunday nights. apparently, my brother had told her my mum would return on the seventh day and this freaked her out. added to that, my second sis said my mum will tap her shoulder when she returned. she asked me to allow her to stay with her friends during that two nights and i agreed. for the record, i personally do not believe this seventh night thing. nonetheless, i felt a little uncomfortable and kept myself to my room that night.

• i cleared away mums stuffs after the funeral. i threw away all her medications, and some of the things in her handbag. i donated her wheelchair and walking sticks to the rehab center and to show my appreciation to the staff of the rehab center for the excellent care they had given during the last 3 years, i have each and every staff a small ang pow (red packet). i also made a donation to the rehab center in mum's name. i could only do all these after my brother agreed to. he had reminded me to consolidate all of mum's things so that he could keep them. and he specifically added that he would also want to keep things like mum's bus concessionary cards, her handbag, her clothing, medical appointment cards, etc etc etc. 

• i am currently observing 49 days of vegetarianism. people had said doing so would help contribute positive merits to mum (from a buddhist perspective), but to me, i simply want to observe vegetarianism as it came naturally to me. no reasons needed. only thing was that i had wanted to do so for 7 days during the wake/ funeral period. but the 49-day requirement came about as someone my brother met on the streets told him it would do mum a lot of good in her afterlife. and so, to give him closure and to appease his mind that mum would get good merits, i told him i would be observing the 49 days.

the hunger games: mockingjay part 2

i watched this on the weekend after mum's funeral.

wanted a break and at the same time, wanted to finish off this show, the second part of the finale of mockingjay. whether it is because of my mood (which was terribly low), or whether it was the show itself, i didn't know. but i found the show quite a let down. it didn't have the climax i had expected. then again, i must also admit - that i didn't really know what to expect, perhaps i had expected the end to be more dramatic. but it didn't.

still, it took my mind away from the moodiness of the moment.

day 5 - post-funeral (part 2)

with the rites completed and the coffin moved into the furnace for the cremation, the funeral ended. we were quickly ushered to the side of the prayer areas and asked to remove our mourning socks and patch. as everyone else was moved to cleanse themselves with flowered water, i was brought to the temple's administration office to complete the cremation administration. my long time friend, larry, who has attended the funeral came along. he had volunteered to chauffeur me back to the funeral parlour after all the paperwork. i gave him a tour of the temple after that.

back at the funeral parlour, my sisters were having their lunch. i joined in as there was nothing much to be done except to wait for 2pm where mum's ashes would be ready for collection. i quietly sat at the table and ate my vegetarian noodles as my sisters chatted away. the niece that came late was quietly eating her lunch too and she left early. my brother and his family wasn't there. he had brought them and my maid to the temple instead.

i decided to head to the crematorium early. my nieces (daughters of my eldest sis) came along in my car and i had the chance to catch up with them. it had been many years since i last spoke with them, given my eldest sis's refusal to talk to me after my dad passed away. one thing positive that came out of mum's funeral was that my eldest sis started talking to me. it was weird cos after all these years of not talking, suddenly she did so and even made ginseng tea for me. so... anyway, as we arrived early at the crematorium, i brought out my macbook and showed my nieces all the pictures of mum that i took over the years. soon, the columbarium rep came and at about 2pm, we were ushered into the ash collection room to collect mum's ashes. 

in the room, we were asked to stand around a metal table before a plastic container containing the ashes was brought into the room. the temple assistant started to pick out some of the bigger pieces that he identified were those belong to her legs and displayed them to us. the urn was brought in and i had to place 8 coins inside the urn before everyone of us picked a piece of mum's bone and place it inside the urn. the bones belonging to the leg went in first. when each of us had completed placing a piece of the bone, the temple assistant took over and pour all the remaining content into the urn. he had to use a stick to crush the bone to compact them before placing the skull bones on top of the urn. once done, a piece of yellow cloth inscribed with buddhist scriptures was placed on top and the urn was closed. a piece of red cloth was then used to wrap the urn. a joss stick was then lighted and i was made to call out to mum (the urn) to tell her that we would be bringing her to the final resting place at the choa chu kang columbarium.

it rained badly as we made our way to the columbarium. we arrived at about 3.30pm. the monk and the contractor was there waiting for us. once i verified dad's niche, we were told to look away as the contractor smashed the marble slab that bore dad's name. it took him less than 5 minutes to break open dad's niche to expose dad's urn. once done, i placed mum's urn into the niche. i had to place 4 coins for the urn to sit onto. with both urns placed nicely, a new marble slab that bore both mum and dad's names was installed before more prayers was said. the whole ceremony ended about 5pm. mum was finally laid to eternal rest.

i was totally exhausted by the end of the day. 

i slept relatively well that night.

day 5 - the funeral (part 1)

mum had passed away 5 days before. this was the day of the funeral - 20 nov 2015. the day before, i had texted everyone about the time to arrive and i mentioned specifically that all should arrive at about 8.45am. i added that the prayers would be about 10am and the cortege would leave at about 11am. the cremation timing would be at 12noon and we must arrive at the temple's crematorium about 11.15am. with everything co-ordinated, we closed the final day of the wake.

i left sapphie at home that day. and for the last time that morning, i dropped by the ang mo kio ave 6 hawker center to purchase vegetarian food offerings and made sure everything was properly set up by 8am. it was a flurry of activities as i needed to get all the things packed up for we would leave for the temple immediately after the prayers and there would not be any time to do any packing. at the same time, there was a need to organise and group the things into those that was needed at the temple (the drinks, the packets of oranges, the ang pows), things that was needed for the ash collection, things needed at the columbarium, etc etc etc... i had to also settle the payments for the funeral parlour services, ensure the correct ang pows (red packets) were given to the correct people. as i did all these, my eldest sis and her family (including her 2 daughters and son-in-law) arrived. as for my second sis, she texted me - i will be late, i needed to sleep a bit more as i had just taken medicine and was feeling groggy. i didn't bother to reply. i was unhappy with her response for i had expected her to know the importance of that day and to plan her time and energies around the funeral. nonetheless, i was told myself that yet again she has pulled such a stunt, something she had consistently done all these years. let her manage her own time, i told myself. anyway, none of her daughters visited the wake and i didn't expect them to attend the funeral.

as we were doing all these things, the pall bearers started arriving and began preparing the coffin for the final journey. they began to dismantle the wreaths and clip all the flowers from the wreaths (that were send over the last couple of days) and placed them over the coffin. i joined in to do the same and some of my family members began to take the cue and joined in. soon, the coffin was very prettily lined with roses, chrysanthemums of various shades, and gerberas. mum loved flowers when she was alive and i was sure she would be very happy with all these flowers used to beautify her coffin. by the time everything was settled, it was about 9.30am. and as we did all the packing and flower arrangements, the monk who was to preside over the funeral service arrived. and after preparing all his things, he signalled to us to assemble, take our places and to start the final rites. it was then that my second sis arrived.

after briefing us about his cues (to walk, to bow, to stand still, etc), the final rites began. the thing about such rites was that the stillness and the time available made us focus our thoughts towards the deceased. in my case, my gaze naturally went towards my mum. the thoughts about no longer being able to see her physically, her body being engulfed in flames, etc made me choke with tears. i had to time and again direct my thoughts away and to focus on her happy times. celebrate her life, i reminded myself. and with this, i found myself oscillating between choking and half smiling as the monk chanted. we were made to bow a couple of times and soon, the monk led us round the coffin. i carried my nephew as we walked 3 times round the coffin and with each round, the thought of the coffin being closed and of me not being able to see my mum's physical self became more real. i broke down as i walked.

with the chants completed, the funeral co-ordinator asked us to walk towards the coffin to bid our final farewell. everyone broke down as we walked passed the coffin. i didn't look too long. i kept reminding myself that the body was no more than a shell and that mum was at a better place already. i kept reminding myself that i should let go of the body and not be too attached to the physical body. it was an internal struggle for me but i walked on after 2 seconds of gaze. after the last person walked passed the coffin, we were all asked to look away as the funeral co-ordinator closed the coffin. we will never be able to see mum anymore. once done, the funeral co-ordinator asked to confirm if we were ready to leave. it was then that my second sis said her husband and daughter has not arrived.

it was not something i had expected and i was not happy. i kept quiet and everyone was taken aback too. sensing a rising tension, the funeral co-ordinator said we had some time and could afford to wait. we stood around as we waited. my second sis said her husband and daughter were on their way as we waited. after some 10 minutes (that seemed forever), i asked her if they were anywhere near. they are on their way, she repeated. i was a little flustered when i asked her if she could verify what on their way meant. they could be on their way near the parlour, on their way along the expressway, on their way near their home, etc. i did not raise my voice, but i was sure my words showed my displeasure for she called her husband again to verify. he was still on the expressway. and as for her daughter, she was coming from school and similarly, was still on the expressway. from the expressway to the funeral parlour, it would be easily another 10-15 minutes at best. i decided not to wait for them further and asked her to tell them to proceed straight to the crematorium. i don't think it was appropriate for the dead to wait for the living. what more when i had made it very explicit that all should be there by 8.45am. and it was already 11.15am, god damn it! if anything, this was the most disrespectful thing anyone could accord to my mum. i told the funeral co-ordinator to proceed. i couldn't be bothered about what everyone else, including my neighbour and my long time friend who were at the wake, thought. 

amidst all the unsaid tensions, the funeral co-ordinator assembled everyone again and prepared us for the coffin to be loaded onto the van. we were all asked to line the side of the prayer area, clasped our hands as the coffin was carried and placed into the van by the pall bearers. once done, i was tasked to "invite" mum to proceed with the journey. mum was represented symbolically by the joss stick urn. and as i carried the urn, i had to call out to her to inform her that we were leaving the parlour to the temple. and as i placed the urn onto the vehicle seat, i had to ask her to board the vehicle. with the urn firmly placed onto the seat, everyone was asked to assemble at the back of the vehicle and to place our palms onto the back of the vehicle. i stood in the center and my siblings on my side. once done, the funeral procession started. as we lightly push the vehicle. the buddhist chant recording blasted and we started walking behind the slow moving vehicle. this final walk was an emotional one. everyone teared as we stepped onto the hot tarmac of the car park. we walked until the main road before i was asked to board the van. i placed mum's urn on my lap as everyone else were asked to board the bus that i had hired for the funeral and we were on our way to the crematorium. the journey was a slow one with the van moving at a speed of about 20-30km/hr. the crematorium was in the temple next to the parlour and we arrived there some 15 minutes later. 

everything had been prepared when we arrived at the temple. the vegetarian offerings were nicely placed onto the prayer table. and efficiently, the pall bearers unloaded the coffin onto a coffin mover and had it loaded onto a conveyor table (that would convey the coffin into the furnace). we assembled in front of the prayer table and once again, the funeral co-ordinator asked if everyone had arrived. i noted that my brother-in-law and my niece had not and asked for some time to wait for their arrival. it was some 10minutes later before i saw my brother-in-law. and once again, i asked my second sis to verify where her daughter was. she was still on the way, the reply came. we waited for another 5 minutes before i asked again if she was arriving anytime soon. my second sis was clearly pissed off by then. whether she was pissed off with me or her daughter, i didn't care. she had no right to be pissed off with me, i thought. i decided not to wait further. proceed, i told the funeral co-ordinator. are you sure? he said, we could wait a while more if you need to. no, proceed, i said. being late for your own grandma's funeral was the highest disrespect and i had no patience for such disrespectful behaviour. 

and with my direction, the funeral co-ordinator assembled everyone for the final prayers. the temple monks were invited to preside over the cremation. the prayers made and once again, we were asked to walk 3 times around the prayer area. i was asked to walk towards the coffin and to symbolically push the coffin into the furnace as i asked mum to be on her way peacefully. i choked as i did that. once done, i rejoined my family and the furnace door opened. the coffin was finally conveyed into the furnace.

these were what i could recollect of the funeral. i must add that i couldn't really recall some specifics of what happened that day, e.g. whether the waiting occurred before the coffin was loaded onto the van or before that. everything that occurred was a blur to me today. it was too intense for me to have to manage the needful yet had to manage the human aspects of things. 

day 4 - the final night

day 4 was the eve of the funeral and the highlight of this day was the conduct of the final nite prayers. otherwise, it was no different from the previous 2 days. people continued to visit to pay their last respects. i was exhausted by this day but thankfully, there were a lot less people. but as i mentioned, i was in my mechanical mode, i simply moved about like a robot. 

as in the previous days, i told my sisters that there was no need for them to be at the wake early as there was nothing much to do and that they could come down in the afternoon. as for my brother and his family, since they stayed over at the funeral parlour, they took the opportunity to head back home to do whatever they needed to do (rest, refresh, clean up, etc). and thus, most of the day, i was alone at the wake. i could also see that sapphie was totally exhausted by this day. she was at the wake daily and had stayed awake and active when people visited. by day 4, she was lethargic and simply laid on the floor throughout the day. i supposed it was not normal for her to be busy in the day time, considering she had always lazed and slept at home when i was at work, or when mum went to the rehab center.

i was kept busy by the additional requirement to prepare the stuffs for the funeral - prepare tissue papers, prepare the red packets, cut the red strings, buy loose flowers, arrange for oranges, etc. lots of stuff to do and to prepare. thankfully, my family members helped out and by the time all these things were done, it was already about 6pm. as i had to also balance these requirements with the need to attend to guests, i almost forgot to make the evening prayers. it was about 5.56pm before it hit me that i had not done so and i needed to do it before 6pm! heh. similar to both previous nites, we ended at 11-plus pm. a couple of my closest friends dropped by on all the days and kept me busy when they see me alone. i was glad of their presence and the support they gave me during this period. 

as for bee, he left for bangkok that afternoon. i was very unhappy about it when he told me about this plan on day 2, but i didn't want to say anything. if you have decided, what more can i say right? i thought. i was upset with him to abandoning me when i was at my lowest. if you have the heart and the concern, you would not even want to consider heading off overseas, regardless of reasons, i thought. and for the longest moment, i compared his response to my mum's demise to how i helped him out during his dad's wake/ funeral. and when i thought about things that way, i felt so lousy. but i had to time and again, reminded myself not to compare. but his not showing any concern by not even asking about my well-being throughout this period, even until today, continued to haunt me. but that was a separate issue altogether.

ok, i have digressed somewhat. as mentioned, this was the eve of the funeral and the main focus on this day was the conduct of the final prayers. 3 monks arrived by late afternoon and i went through with the lead monk details of the family, the names, etc. so that he could include their names when he say the prayers. interestingly, this monk was chinese educated and had so much problems with the english names of many of my family members. in the end, i had to give him all our names in chinese as far as i could. and as for my brother-in-law's name (where there was no chinese translation), i had to teach him how to pronounce the name. admittedly, when he was reciting our names during the prayer, i had to control myself from giggling. certainly not very nice to break into giggles during such a solemn and sombre session. the prayers finished close to 10pm.

day 4 ended rather uneventfully. i told myself i needed to rest before the funeral. i managed to catch 2-3 hours sleep that night.

day 3 - colleagues, friends & more friends...

by day 3, the requirement to set up the place in the mornings and evenings had become routine. 

people continued to stream to the wake from before lunch and lasted till 11-plus pm. and i was kept busy most of the time as most of the guests were my friends and colleagues. james (my ex) dropped by mid-day and together with sapphie, and my nephew we took a short walk around the area towards the temple located next to the funeral parlour. it was the first time i actually spoke with him at length since we parted some 11 years ago. the conversation was cordial and warm. we spoke about his parents, his family, his sister, his nieces, etc and i asked about his partner (of 8 years). i was glad things were well between them. they now co-own and live in a place located in town. it was a short (half hour?) walk, but it was a long overdue one.

i was rather touched by the fact that a friend from shanghai asked his brother (who's living in singapore) to pay a visit to the wake and to pass me some donations (pek kim). it was really thoughtful of him. similarly, i was a little surprised when the parents of my best friend (bs, who's now residing in the states) dropped by. as there were too many people, i couldn't spend enough time talking to each of the visitor and had to move from table to table. frankly, i felt a little bad about it. but i was sure everyone understood.

well, talking about people visiting the wake, i do want to add here that we did not inform any of our relatives about mum's passing. i decided not to tell anyone about it in the interest of family harmony. i was acutely aware of the less-than-positive dynamics between different members of my family and the larger extended family (eg that my brother was not happy with many of my relatives) and i didn't want to create any opportunity for anyone to get angry or to make a din during the wake. it would be disastrous to have strained family ties after the wake/ funeral. and this, i felt, was in line with what mum wanted as she maintained that family harmony must come first. it was precisely because of this that i refused to give in to my second sis's request to inform one particular cousin. i was unhappy that she brought this up, knowing jolly well of the family dynamics, but i held my position. she was pretty unhappy with me for that and argued that this particular cousin had frequently visited mum and we should think about him. while i understood where she was coming from, i placed family harmony on a higher priority. i maintained my stand. you can have your say, but i will make the final decision. and my decision is based on mum's wishes. i have spend enough time with mum to know her wishes and i will decide. if there are any consequences, i'll answer for it. period. 

the third day ended close to midnight for me... i was exhausted by the end of the day. my brother and his family decided to stay overnight at the funeral parlour for that night (and the next). similarly, my maid chose to stay over too given that she couldn't sleep at home as she would be reminded of mum throughout the night.

and so, that night was the first night in many years where i was alone at home.

it felt weird. but i reminded myself that i have to get use to it.