dondang sayang

the dondang sayang is something that is very dear to mum. whenever i play it on the iphone for her, she will hold onto the iphone and hums along with it. this song reminds her of her past and has been (and will forever be) her most favourite song.

whenever i play it, she would tell me about how my 3rd uncle was acknowledged as the best singer amongst all her siblings, and how he would be asked to sing this song during their teenage years. she would also share stories of her past such as how the dondang sayang would be sung whenever there was a peranakan wedding, or for that matter, any celebrations in the kampong; or how her mother (my grandmother) hired a group of musicians for her wedding when she married her dad. apparently, my grandmother came from a very well-to-do family whereas my granddad was a poor clerk... heh.

it is always interesting to hear all her stories.

:-)

funny mum

mum behaved in a very interesting manner yesterday. her behaviour tickled the maid and me so much that it kept us giggling for a long while. you see, for some reasons, when i came home from work, she  commented that sapphie had the habit of following me wherever i go.

and so, with this observation, she kept calling out to sapphie whenever she followed me. naturally, sapphie would respond to her for a few steps, before reverting to following me again. and when that happened, mum would repeat calling out to her again. and this whole repetitive process was funny becos of the way mum called out to the dog. she was half-singing and half-shouting. haha... i couldn't really describe it but it was just very funny. and it was made funnier when sapphie gave that happy-smily doggie face like as though she was also playing along with mum. and i tell you, it was the kinda face that only dog owners would understand. 

haha! it had been a long while since mum was so relaxed. then again, it got me a little curious why she was so. and till today, i do not know the answer. 

:-)

picture from www.snappypixels.com

transformers 4: age of extinction

went to watch transformers 4: age of extinction last night. 

didn't like the show. it was too long and draggy. it had a very weak storyline and there were scenes after scenes of senseless destruction and fights. it's like as though the producers were trying to use the cgi effects to make good the very weak storyline. i also didn't like how they tried so hard to make the transformers look like man, complete with beard, cigars, samurai, etc. (of cos, i do acknowledged that this was not invented by the producers per se but it just irked me). and to make it worst, there were so many product placements. at one stage during the show, i was almost convinced i was watching a milk-drink advertisement!

then again, it might just be me. i was not in a good mood. almost ended up not watching the show despite bee booking the tickets online in the morning. you see, before the show, i went to pick him up as usual. i arrived as per the usual time, but he did not appear. and he was uncontactable, no responses to my smses, no answers to my more than 20 missed calls, waited in the car for him for about 20min. decided to make my way to his house and pressed umpteen times on his door bell. no one opened the door. i ended up waiting for his return call at the void deck for the next 20min until i decided to simply head home... he called me when i was halfway home. he was asleep. wtf! not the first time already. felt damn shitty.

stupid show lasted more than 2.5 hours at about 2.15am and i was totally anxious to get home cos mum would be up and i was sure she would go bonkers again. and as expected, she did but thankfully, her memory got wiped out by mid-morning and she reverted back to her usual self after that.

revisiting my résumé

i am revisiting my résumé again.

and i realised that it is easy, yet not as easy as i thought it would be. haha... sounds contradicting right? well, frankly, this is not the first time i am doing it. but the reasons why i am finding it difficult to do is becos i am revisiting what my career objectives are again and reframing how i want to project myself in my career summary. and i took almost an hour just to do it! for someone to be able to rattle non-stop once the mind is clear, this timing is too long! lol!

for the former, i took a look at what my existing résumé had and i kinda thought it was a tat too generic, to the point of "i might as well don't say anything". lol! i supposed it sounded alright when i first crafted it years ago when i had just left the military. admittedly, i didn't really have much clarity of what i wanted to do back then and i had not had any corporate experience to talk about and had to make do with military experiences, which most companies couldn't really give a hoot to. but this time round, it is different. i am, to a comfortable extent, rather clear about what i want and how i want to develop myself. and with this clarity, i decided to rewrite it. but i had the tension of trying to articulate something that allows me to put a balance between my immediate and longer term objectives. heh heh... but i had to also remind myself about the realities of things - i am gonna be 48 this year. 

as for my career summary, it was just as challenging. there was just so much experiences and achievements that i can list now. so, how do i put it across in as focused a manner as possible without going into too many details. and also, how do i put in the right experiences so as to iterate my competencies and attributes without sounding like i was bragging. haha... well, it was a good problem i supposed. what helped was the fact that since i have narrowed my career objectives, i decided that i should just list those areas that help sell myself along the trajectory of stated my career objectives. 

as i said, it took me a long while do it. i decided to simply email the end-product to a friend for her comments. after all, a third party's views will be the most neutral and useful. this is a good warm-up for me. what matter most is that once i see/ a headhunter provides something i am keen on, i will have to go through the whole rigour of reading the required attributes and competencies of the opportunity and adjust my whole résumé accordingly.

haha... 

tensions building-up

the tensions in the office is clearly building up following the resignation of my chief. 

the person who is taking over is not showing signs of interest and not pulling his weight. and there are many in the whole company making comments like look at him, been around for so long but no achievement at all, the one who should stay is leaving, etc... all these are not doing good as far as the department is concerned.

the department will definitely break apart if things continue this way. whatever the case, things will take its course and people will know how to look after themselves. such changes are perhaps to be expected when people move and dynamics change. 

ultimately, people join a company for many reasons related to say pay packages, but one thing is clear to me as to why people leave - it is mostly becos of people-related reasons. 

and this holds true for me.

storing meat

ok, this is gonna be totally random and i am not sure how to tag this. but well, this is something i thought interesting and useful to share. it's an environmentally-friendly tip about how to store meat.

when you wanna store minced meat, do consider placing them in a plastic bag. you can use the bag provided by the butcher.

what you can do is to flatten the plastic bag until the minced meat is no more than about 1cm thick. then, roll the bag like you would a swissroll before you store them in the freezer. when you want to cook the meat, simply remove from freezer, unroll the plastic and leave to thaw.

this way, with the 1cm thickness, the meat will defroze within minutes once you remove from the freezer. easy peesy, there is no need to use microwave and no need to wait forever... and of cos, there are practical advantages of doing this too. by the rolling of the meat, it also allows you to pack your meat into the freezer neatly and thus allowing you to put more things into it. this allows you to maximise the use of the freezer space.

nett nett, save space, save energy, save time!

making ketupats

i had made no less than 70 paper ketupats over the weekend. will be bringing them to the office to decorate the place for hari raya! so looking forward to it!

hurray!

nightful of dreams

i slept well last night, but it was full of dreams. 

i remembered 3 of them.

in one of them, i was at the beach. i was walking amongst the stilts of a structure and i was apparently looking for used condoms.... (haha... this dream probably came about cos before i slept, i noted someone read my blog post about used condoms)!

another dream, i was in a ballroom (or something like that), i couldn't recall the full dream, but it ended something along the line of a group of guys in tuxedos. they were standing side-by-side in a line and their arms were criss-crossed. and there were 3 guys, the one in the centre was very attractive and as they danced, he got groped by 2 other guys. then again, somehow, no one knew which 2 guys groped the centre guy. hmmm...

and in the last dream, i was again at the beach. i was with bee (i think), and there was another gay couple. we were having some sort of a competition. it involved throwing a sandball (the sand version of a snowball) onto the sandy beach and we must recover the sandball once it lands onto the sandy beach (yup, sounds weird enough, but that's what dreams are right?). so, one of the guys from the other couple threw his sandball and it flew onto the sandy beach. as he threw, we somehow found ourselves standing on a cliff. the sandy beach had morphed into a terrace which rose some 20-30 meters about the sea where waves were pounding. now, this terrace was some 20-30 meters below us (which meant we were some 60meters about sea-level). at this elevated height, the guy couldn't retrieve the ball and stared at the ball helplessly. as he stared, the sand ball started to disappear becos the waves somehow managed to rise up to the terrace. and i decided to help him. i jumped off where i was standing. and as i did, that guy did too. and we both landed onto the terrace which gave way when we landed. we both fell helplessly into the sea. we found ourselves in the water and staring up a vertical cliff that stretched endlessly upwards...

and i woke up.

weird dreams...

confused mum part 2

this morning, the maid told me that mum attempted to charge her nokia phone but was unsuccessful cos she apparently tried to plug her oxygen machine nosepiece into the phone. needless to say, she couldn't do it.

hmmm...

me malay?

it was interesting. i was on leave yesterday and headed to geylang serai to buy some hari raya decor for my office. and guess what? everywhere i walked, people spoke to me in malay. even the chinese store keepers!

encik, mahu beli apa? ini tiga lima ringgit... mahu apa warna? saya boleh ambilkan... kalau encik mahu, encik boleh campur warna pun...

wahlau! do i look malay? ok, ok, i do look a little tanned. but i was sure i looked chinese. and on top of that, i wore skinny jeans and long sleeve, cropped a rather trendy haircut and wore a ear-stud. certainly, a "typical" malay uncle wouldn't dress like that right? then again, since auntie spoke to me in malay, i played along. i replied her in malay too!

lol!

and for the record, this post is not written with any intention to degrade malays. nope. i have totally full respect for malays. they are one of the most gentle people and a really beautiful and rich culture. i just find it very amusing that people mistaken me for one, despite looking every bit a chinese.

you need your you time

here's a constant liner in the many conversations i have had with people i know, latest being with my chief a few days ago.

you need to be fair to yourself and give yourself some you time. you cannot look after your mum if you don't give yourself you time. you cannot sustain. 

i don't disagree. 

but i also don't agree totally cos they do not know how i find my balance. 

in the first place, most people assume that i do not have my me time. that is not true. i get my me time through the few minutes of "rest" daily when i head out for a quick walk after she goes to bed.  i get my me time when i walk to work, when i have my breakfast, etc. importantly, i try as much as i can to live my life mindfully. and that, is my me time. secondly, when i tell people i do not go out with friends cos when i do so, she will become suspicious, most people assume that when i spend my time with her, i end up getting totally stressed out cos it is often against my wishes. that is also not necessarily valid. let me discussed in the context of intentionality. while i do admit that at times, i feel stressed by her freaking out when i leave her, i do sometimes do it in order to keep my own sanity. not sure if i sound logical here, but put in another way, i spend time with her so that i can preserve my own peace cos i know that i will get my peace with she is ok. and between this and time with friends, i'd place a higher priority on my own peace.

ok, i do not know if what i have written make sense. but well, bottom-line is - i am at peace with myself. and i have learned to balance and reconcile what i do with what i want. and learned how to get what i want when i want to get it. hmmm, i am going round again... better stop.

but yes, i do really appreciate their concern.

lol!

confusing conversation

these days, conversation with mum can be a very confusing. and thankfully, i have had quite a good many months of interactions with her to know that she meant something else when she said something illogical and simply kiv what she said until some sense appeared. take this morning for example...

as in all weekend mornings, i would sit by her side to watch the tv before we head out for breakfast. we were engaged in some mundane conversation about cream and moisturiser when she asked where the maid was. she had been missing all these while, mum said. erm, no, she's mopping the floor, i explained. and all of a sudden, she said she had lost her tube of cream, the cream that she had all along used to apply onto her nostril to manage her breathlessness. she added that she had all along hidden it inside her pillow case but was not able to find it this morning. i was kinda confused by what she said and asked for more details. she couldn't give me details other than insisting her tube of cream that she always hid in her pillow case was missing. finally, when the conversation was leading to no where, i simply told her there was no such cream as far as i knew and if need be, i would bring her to the pharmacy to look. she sounded a little pissed with my reply and simply said forget it. i knew she was not happy and asked further and again, she insisted she lost her tube of cream. and given that she mentioned her loss after she spoke about the maid, i could only guess she was half-suspecting it was the maid who stole it. but i didn't pursue further.

by this time, the maid, who had been mopping the bedroom floor appeared and told me that mum had asked her about her tube of cream too. and the maid sounded a little exasperated cos mum kept asking her for it. i knew that thing would go awry if i did not manage it well. i told the maid to leave mum alone for a while and thought for a while. hmmm... something that she kept in her pillow case. then i asked her - where is your handphone? mum, surprised by the sudden question, looked into her handbag. she couldn't find her handphone. i don't know where it is... she said. everything became clear to me then... i went into her bedroom, took her pillow and reach into the pillow case. her handphone was inside. i took it out and gave it to her. and i told her she must have confused the handphone for a tube of cream. she looked at it, and simply said... ya ya... and laughed it off.

as to why she spoke about a tube of cream for her breathlessness, here's my conclusion... (1) we were talking about creams and moisturiser at the point in time, (2) and thus, in an attempt to talk about her handphone, she had confused her handphone with a tube of cream, and (3) she sleeps with her oxygen tubing in her nostril to manage her breathlessness and when she sleeps, it was her habit to keep her handphone in the pillow case, and in wanting to talk about her handphone, everything associated with her sleeping habit got all mixed up. and so, it became a tube a cream that she used to manage her breathlessness, and that she always hide it inside her pillow... hmmm... challenging right? just need to get used to it and laugh it off. it has happened once too many times. and just today alone, such confusion appeared no less that 3-4 times. if i had not known her state of mind, i would have gone crazy and lost my patience. 

lol!

interest group talking point

well, i was at the market over this morning and bought a folding clothes dryer rack. and instead of the usual cheap version that most people buy, i decided to get the more expensive aluminium light weight version. i left the shop carrying the rack. 

and as i walked by the hawker center, i noticed a table, where about 5-6 maids were having their breakfast, staring at me. and the interesting thing about this was that the whole hawker centre was crowded and there were lots of people eating their breakfast. but for some reasons, only that table of maids stared out at me. not the others. i could imagine them talking about the rack and how it would help them dry their wet laundry! haha...

well, i supposed the rack i had in my hands was something that they could all identify with and chat about. and perhaps they were awed by the sturdiness of the aluminium frame of the rack, etc. heh heh... and in a way, it was no different from people of a particular interest group gathering to chat about something close to their heart, such as airplane enthusiasts talking about airplanes when they see one fly pass them. i simply walked on... 

lol!

bad customership

was at the samsung service center to purchase the remote control for my tv and observed some very rude customers.

one of them was there to seek help for his tablet. his main complain was that he cannot hear the caller when someone calls in. once the issue was solved, he highlighted another issue. well, there's nothing wrong with all these but it was how he did it. he was rude and literally talked down onto the service staff. and the new issue that was highlighted was, in my opinion, not necessarily the tablet problem.

he went something like, loudly and rudely - my skype cannot use! how come like that!?!? how come like that?!?!

i thought the service staff handled the customer well. he did not show any negative emotions but smile and simply asked the man to activate the app (skype), and then he took the tablet and went to the back room to do some tests with it. when i left the place, the service staff was still trying to diagnose the issue. i don't envy the service staff. these days, they not only have to solve technical issues, but will also need to know common apps that people use in order to resolve issues.

i strongly think that, to get good service, the customer must also play his part and behave respectfully.

sighs.

dawn of the planet of the apes

brought mum out to watch the dawn of the planet of the apes last evening. and before that treated her to italian pasta. she enjoyed the evening thoroughly.

spoiler alert ahead...

as for the show, i must say the effects were really good and the storyline was... well, let's put it this way, i kept thinking about george orwell's animal farm as i watched the show. well, of cos i was referring to the parallels in both shows where animals became no different from man in the end. i do want to add that i was a tat disappointed with the scene where caesar eventually decided to kill koba. i really hoped for that moment that he wouldn't do it. what difference would he from koba now that he had killed him right? it would be great if the scene were unfold such that koba made an attempt at caesar's life after caesar pulled him up, only to miss a step and fall to his death. no? then again, what was nice about the show was the many tender moments and little nuances that was acted out amongst the apes that reflected how similar they are to human. a very entertaining show indeed.

but yeah, we all enjoyed the show.

:-)

my "favorite" list

if what a person has in his favorite list (in the laptop, smartphone, etc) is a reflection of the person's focus/ preoccupations at that point in life, then i would describe myself as a realist and a perhaps even a voyeur! and for that matter, a very organized one! lol!

and i say cos i have, in my list, i can see 3 groups of links, namely, (1) links i use frequently for work such as my company email login and intranet, (2) my personal life journaling and admin - blogger, google, bank log in pages and (3) links that provide me with the latest info, news, local weather, and/ or happenings in the local gay scene.

and i have observed that the urls in the first two group hardly change as compared to the urls in the last group. that, perhaps, reflects the ever changing interests as the scenes and chat topics evolve. haha...

so what do you have in your favorite list?

:-)

resigning well

my chief's resignation had been accepted and will be announced today. looking at how she had managed the process, i thought she had done well and given me lotsa food for thought and things to learn. she had shown utmost eq in how she managed it and in doing so, strengthened her image and credibility in front of many. and it reinforced my belief that the resignation process is just as important and must be seen as an opportunity to build one's credibility in the industry.

firstly, there was a lot of sensitivity in managing the process and breaking the news. she knew her departure would create a lot of internal tensions and she staged it such that she informed key individuals within the department first. and she did this so as not to create surprises and more importantly, to prepare every one mentally before the news comes out. she started this whole process ever since she firmed up her thoughts about moving on.

secondly, she managed the board and inform key board members about her decision and stood firm on her thoughts. the early preparations and process of obtaining the blessings of the board members reflected the respect she had for the board members and it was very well appreciated by them. in the process, she gained the respects of all board members. many were surprised that they were not consulted by the new boss and tried to keep her but she declined the suggestions graciously, and without burning any bridges. as of yesterday, 2 board members have asked her if she would be keen to join their companies.

thirdly, she prepared the department well before the new boss break the news company-wide. she didn't want the department to hear it from third parties and wanted to make the announcement to us herself. she held a closed door meeting last evening. a few of my colleagues broke down and cried on the spot. it reflected the affections they have for her and the chemistry they have with her. her leadership and personal touch touched many.

lastly, she assured the department that the head chopping process for the department stops with her and that she had put in every possible effort to impress upon management (read - the new boss) that there should be no more heads to go. in doing so, she managed the morale of the department and stopped speculations from my colleagues as to who will be asked to leave next.

reflecting, i thought she managed the whole process very well. and despite her personal views and differences with the new boss, she has kept these views to herself and a very small but close group of individuals. instead, she has put across her decision and the whole process very neutral and objective and she's been very professional about it. 

with all these done, she shared with me one-on-one that she's very at peace with her decision and that she appreciates the fact that despite being asked to go, there are people up there who appreciates her and offered her opportunities. and most importantly, she knew she had forge a closely knit and effective team within the short 10 months with the company.

we will all miss her.

no energy

i went back to work yesterday.

but really, i didn't feel the energy to want to work. there was no inertia to kick start the engine. and frankly, both yesterday and today, i got so tired and sleepy by early afternoon that i had a hard time staying awake. i supposed i am feeling tired and burned out, and at the same time affected by the impending resignation of my chief.

darned! 

mum falling sick again?

mum's health has been kinda swinging to-and-fro lately.

it was first respi issues but it kinda improved after i gave her prenisolone, then her mental health went haywire, her paranoia started again and she had dreams about my grandpa and she ended up getting suspicious and delusional. but it got better after i adjusted her meds and just when i thought she was ok, she started coughing. and i started her on a round of cough syrup. the cough cleared and now her body aches has started to set in. sighs... just started her on tramadol today.

let's hope she stabilises soon. not sure if the pattern of falling sick during the mid-year period is starting again. but optimistically, she has had a good 4-5 months of relatively good health and that, by itself, was a very good record for her considering how she got hospitalised every other week just less than a year ago.

we'll see how things go.

one more resignation...

well, my chief has confirmed her resignation and it will be within days before her resignation would be announced. she had mentioned it to only me and another head of department and we were both asked to keep mum about it. and while all these undercurrents were going on, one other of my colleague threw her letter today.

it frankly did not come as a surprise for me. but still, it was not a very good feeling to have to acknowledge the finality of her resignation. anyway, it looks like there'll be another round of changes coming up. 

it is very draining. that i supposed it is something we all have to get used to.

sighs...

how come you are back?

it was interesting for me yesterday when i returned to work.

the news that i had undergone a day procedure somehow morphed to something like i had undergone a day surgery. and a lot of my colleagues from the other departments were kinda surprised to see me back at work. you should be at home, why are you back at work? you should not be here... these words kept coming. and i supposed it was to be expected cos there was another colleague who went for a minor day op to remove a ganglion and was given 2 weeks home rest. and for my case, somehow, everyone felt it was an even more serious op but couldn't understand why i was given "so few" days rest at home.

felt it was kinda funny but i just smiled and took it like as though nothing major had happened. then again, it was quite an effort to have to repeat my story about the procedure and to keep whipping out my iphone to show them the stone fragments.

lol!

can i borrow...

i cannot blame this on the world cup but...

it happened every world cup for the last (i donno how many) world cups. and every time it comes around, i will have people trying to borrow money from me. and no, it is not becos i am rich but rather, people know i will help if i could. no questions asked. i am not sure if it is due to gambling but looking at how it always coincided with the world cup periods, i can't help but draw the connections. almost 2 decades ago in the mid-90s, it was a colleague who borrow 1.2k, and then again the world cup next, and then again, and again... each time, the amount varies, but all the time, consistently, the money went out and the person either disappeared or pleaded for longer time to return... and a few times, they never did. and this time round, it is happening again.

i received a message in the facebook messenger from an ex-colleague asking me to lend him, hear this, 30k! yes, 30,000 dollars! and in the very very long message, he elaborated a long list of sob stories about his mother etc. i suspected it was due to gambling but i didn't ask. he had borrowed some cash twice before. first time he paid up. but the second time, he didn't and i didn't pursue. so, this time round, i checked with another ex-colleague and his immediate response was - oh, must be gambling again. now, from this response, i could only guess it was not the first time he had gambled and that he had a certain negative reputation amongst people. 

but i must say - his request did put me in a somewhat difficult spot. i know i shouldn't lend him any cash and i don't intend to. i know i would be feeding his bad habits if i did so. then again, i didn't know how to respond to him. what if he pushes and asks for a smaller amount? i know i will not be able to manage this. and i have thus have chosen abstained from replying. and in not replying, i felt bad about it. haha, i am always giving myself such stress. and as i said at the start of this post - i cannot blame this on the world cup. i can only blame this on greed. the greed of each individual. it hurts the individual, and worst still, the people around him. and in this case, i am part of the collateral damage. darned!

this time round, i must once again convince myself that this is the right thing to do. and as always, doing the right things are always very difficult. but i have to do it!

heels dug in!

national stadium

the new singapore national stadium

brought mum to the sports hub 2 days back after my procedure. decided to go to a less crowded place. and i was awed by the sheer size of new stadium. but i must say, there was not much emotional connection per se. after all, it was a new place. there is nothing to connect me to it compared to the old stadium. the old national stadium brought back memories, sports and non-sports-related ones. 

that was the place where i grew up with, the place where i took part in my school's athletics and track and field practices and competitions. that was the place where i broke my wrist. it was during a long jump practise in 1980. that was  a very long time back. and that was the place where we had many runs. i remembered a particular run that ended in the stadium. i think it was the army half marathon back in the mid-late-90s. i was dead tired after 18km and pushed on with ankles that hurt like crazy. and when i entered the stadium, all feelings of tiredness disappeared. it felt really good to enter a place so huge and so majestic. that was a long long time back.

the old national stadium was also the place where many national day parades were held. and in 1991, i was involved as the flash-card contingent deputy co-ordinator. that was a very significant year. that was the year after goh chok tong became the prime minister and that was the year where we had quite a few hostile posturing by malaysia. it was a very politically-tense year. every picture that was designed was so carefully selected. i remembered a particular picture that the 5000-strong contingent had to piece together. we had rehearsed day and night for it. and during a vetting by a senior government official, it was decided that picture number 2 might be misinterpreted and just 2 weeks before the national day itself, the picture was changed! we toiled like crazy for it. all these amidst all the live munitions that was moved from our camp to the a location near the stadium in case we need to respond to military hostilities. and despite the open mobilisation on the eve of the parade, the parade turned out well. we all heaved a huge sigh of relief.

and most interestingly, the old stadium was a very dear place to many gay men in the 90s, me included. there were many spots, both inside and around the surrounding car parks, where gay men hung out. it was meat market on certain nights of the week. i came out in 1996 and the stadium was one of the few places where i hung out rather often incognito initially, and later as myself. too much memories about those days. some of the most sought after spots include the gym, the toilet/ shower facilities near the gym, the car park outside the gym, the quiet dark walkway circling the stadium, and so on. that was where i met amos, where i came out to derek, where many anonymous ons occurred.

hmmm... too much memories. my growing up years, both as a person and as a gay person. i still miss the grand old dame. well, those were a couple of fond memories i had of the grand old dame. i will have to start this new journey with the new lady. until then, it will just be what the name says - (just) a national stadium.

:-)

harvesting diamonds!

i had been briefed that after the eswl procedure, i would pass out the stone fragments shortly, within a day or two. but the immediate passing of blood after the procedure really made me rather scared to look at my own urine. and apart from the gradual lightening of my urine, i did not really notice any stone fragments being ejected. but i believe it started last night cos it felt a little gritty when i peed. and this morning, it felt the same and i decided to do what was most logical to me - i inserted my hand into the toilet bowl to feel the base. and yes, it felt sandy and my conclusion was that the stone fragments had started coming out of my bladder.

and the next time i felt the urge to pee, i decided to use a sift to sift my urine. and guess what? once i peed, a piece of stone fragment came out! and as i continued, a few other small ones came out too. i felt so relieved by it. the experience reminded me of what i went through 2 years ago and it felt good. and thought i'd take a photo of the fragments. shortly after that, i felt the urge to pee again! and this time round, a few other relatively large fragments came out too! wow! what a harvest! 

well, i know it sounded kinda weird and gross, but i had a good morning collecting all these stone fragments. the largest measured about 3mm, probably accounting for half the stone. and for the rest of the day, i continued drowning myself with lots of water. but there was no further stone fragments ejected. i supposed all of it had come out.

:-)

managing my day

it was an interesting but tiring day for me.

i went through the eswl procedure today and mum didn't know about it. i didn't want her to worry or worst still, go all mentally haywire. and so, i left the house early in my work attire and brought along a change of clothes. drove my car to the basement, did a superman (change in my car), kept my work stuff in the car before heading off to the hospital.

thankfully, the procedure ended by about 10-ish and i could answer her routine call during lunchtime. bee came to pick me up after the whole procedure and we headed to lunch before i came home and hit the bed. it was close to 2.30pm and my body was totally incapable of anything. had another round of diarrhoea and i was just too drained after that. took a quick nap and woke up by 3pm. felt much better and quickly left home again. didn't want to have mum coming home to find me in bed.

had a good afternoon coffee before heading home at 4.30pm. told mum i had a meeting that ended early and so i decided to head home instead of back to the office. she seemed ok and didn't suspect anything. and she seemed pretty happy when i brought her out for dinner and a round of shopping before returning about 9.30pm. thankfully my body held up.

am feeling tired and a little feverish now. been a long and tiring day.

good night!

post-procedure, the shock

the eswl procedure went as planned. i had wanted to experience it and i did. in life, it is always good to experience things at least once. that thought kept me going. and certainly, it is not something i would want to go through again if i have a choice. for what came next was something i didn't expect. 

the eswl procedure

i went through the extracorporeal shock wave lithotripsy (eswl) aka shock wave procedure today. and it was a really painful experience. well, to put in perspective, it was not as painful as the pain i felt about 2 weeks ago. but it real bad enough. here's the story.

fasting starts

no, i am not talking about the muslim fasting month of ramadan. it's the fasting i need to do from midnight onwards before my procedure tomorrow morning. no food, no drinks, no nothing! well, the nurse did tell me i could take small sips of water if i really feel thirsty.

anyway, i am going to bed soon. let's hope for the best tomorrow.

:-)

why you come to work?

everyone in the office was kinda funny. all of them thought my procedure was today! and so, almost every other person i met today asked: why did you come to work today? and that includes my chief!

lol!

fasting month

the fasting month of ramadan has started. 

and as per my usual practice,
i bought a packet of dates for all the muslim staff in my company. 

thought it is a nice and respectful gesture before they start their fast.
and on top of that, i have also send out
well-wishes of health and happy fasting to all my muslim friends.

selamat berpuasa 
kepada semua muslimin dan muslimah!

:-)

stabilised mum?

well, mum seemed a lot more stabilised today.

i wondered if it was due to the adjustments in the medications i did last evening. but to play safe, i continued to administer the extra half a tab of quetiapine to her this evening. if all goes well, she should be ok tomorrow when i head off for my procedure.

:-)

adjusted meds

earlier on, mum appeared more sleepy than usual and kept yawning as she watched the tv. and for once, we did not watch the chinese drama serial. instead, we watched malay shows on the local malay tv channel. and by about 9.15pm, she was already half dosing off.

despite that, i have increased the dosage of quetiapine (by 12.5mg) for mum. added to that, i gave her a tab of lorazepam to aid and deepen her sleep. i need to ensure she sleeps through the night uninterrupted by dreams (of my grandfather). hopefully when she wakes up tomorrow, she'll be less paranoid. will probably need a few days to get her to stabilise and for her relapse to recede. 

let's hope it works.

2 more days

i have 2 more days to go before the shock wave treatment.

admittedly, i have been feeling kinda neither here nor there (ambivalent) since i was told i needed to go through the treatment. and with the stone moving about a week plus ago, i started to get a little anxious. and this was becos on one hand, i hope the stone does not come out so that i could go through and experience the procedure; and at the same time, i could use the opportunity of the medical leave to take a good break from work. yet on the other hand, i am hoping that the stone comes out so that i can get on with life. but as of now, and with 2 days to go, this ambivalence has become somewhat of an anxiety. what if the stone decides to come out at the last moments? 

i supposed i should just relax and adopt the que sera sera attitude.

haha!

:-)

mum relapse

here we go again... mum's paranoia has started again.

returned from work and she gave me this weird look. i sensed something amiss. and true enough, after i ate my rice, she hurriedly asked me to close all the windows. and after that, she said she didn't want to head out of the house, which was unusual. and while watching tv, she pulled me aside and told me - the maid is a bad person. last night, your ah gong (grandfather) appeared in my dream and told me to be careful of her. she is up to no good and has been moving around the house and behaving in a suspicious manner. and as though it is not enough, she added, you don't believe me right? i am your mother and i won't lie to you... when you sleep tonight, you must make sure you lock your bedroom door.

ok, enough said. mum has gone haywire again. need to adjust her medications again. i really hope she will stabilise and get back to normal within these 2 days. i'll be undergoing my shock wave procedure in 2 day's time and i really do not need this to complicate things.

hmmm...

gardens by the bay 2

here're some of my thoughts about the gardens by the bay after visiting it yesterday...

• huge place, very beautiful
• eye opener, very impressive, especially on the massive scale of things
• wide range of plants, many that i have not seen before
• beautiful super trees that gave the avatar kinda feel, especially at night when the whole tree gets lit up 
• would be good to have some better sign postings

here're the negative areas...

• fall slightly short at the detailed levels, eg concrete pavements that came across as slip-shot when constructing
• would be good to have some better sign-postings
• toilets a bit dispersed and hard to find
• a little artificial, but of cos, it is a "garden" and not a nature reserve

on the whole, it still impresses and visitors leave the place happy.

:-)

gardens by the bay

was a superbly blah day... until i decided to do something different. i brought mum to the gardens by the bay. thought it would be a nice outing and yes, it turned out very well indeed! and mum certainly had a very good time admiring the flowers and the sights and sound. and interestingly, and perhaps a reflection of mum's negativity, she kept asking very negative questions throughout the visit. here're some of her questions...

• this is a huge place, will there be a lot of mosquitos at night?
• there are a lot of plants and trees, are there snakes?
• i do not see street lamps, will it be very dark and scary at night?
• i do not see shelters, if it rains, where will everyone go? i am sure everyone will get wet...

her line of question were rather negative. instead of seeing the trees, the flowers, the beauty, the sights and the sounds, her first attention was towards things that were rather negative. and it was until i kept reminding her of the flowers, the trees, and every other positive things before she started to enjoy herself. we ended the night with a good nice dinner.

not too bad an end to an otherwise very blah day for me!

:-)

blah day...

i had a super blah day today...

perhaps it was becos my bro and his family are suffering from a bout of flu and we were advised not to visit. and that left us with lots of time and not knowing what to do. i ended up doing nothing at home. well, of cos, nothing doesn't include giving sapphie a good cleaning of her ears, and a bath. but for reasons unknown, i was so tired, lethargic and sleepy. and i drifted in an out of sleep through the day.

i ended up feeling very miserable. i needed some distraction. i needed some attention. i needed to keep myself occupied. and it didn't help that bb didn't answer his phone. he was quiet the whole damned bloody day...

arghhh...

invention of love

this is a very sad story. but it brought out the point very clearly.

you cannot build love. you nurture it with your heart and soul.

:-)

r u going to pd2014?

common line of question for me yesterday with some of my friends...

friend:  are you going to pink dot?

me: nope

friend: why? come/ go la. come/ go and support.

me: for?

friend (something along the line of...): need to show support and make a statement.

me: i am gay and i do not need to make any statement to be myself.

conversation ended there and then.

well, till today, i have not seen the need to attend the event. there is no motivation for me to be there. would rather spend the evening in the quiet company of some friends and where i can be very comfortable. crowded events like this stresses me out. and this is no different from going to events like the chinese new year bazaar in chinatown. and so, i spend the evening having a nice quiet dinner with bee and a group of close uni friends. something that i hadn't had the chance to do for a long time. and it was a good nice evening.

but on a more gay-centric note, i do not see the need to be activistic about being gay. i do not see the need to make statements about my sexuality much as i do not expect straight people to scream out loud that they are straight. and i certainly do not want to remind myself of people i do not want to meet, people who had previously chided me for being "irresponsible" and "being a coward", and that i must (yes, the word is "must") tell my parents if i want to really come out. what rubbish. just because he is out loud and gay; and had told his mum about him being gay does not mean i have to do the same. he live his life, i live mine. so till today, whenever pink dot comes around, i still get reminded of this and still feel agitated.

but no, don't go about thinking i do not support pink dot. i support the freedom to love. but i just don't want to be reminded of people from my past and i don't want to stress myself out just becos of the need to show support. i will attend when there is reason enough for me to do so. 

i just want to be myself. 

caught in the nude

my neighbour is hokkien (ethnic group that originates from fujian province in china) (like me) and appreciates my cooking, which is predominantly traditional-hokkien- or peranakan-hokkien-based. he's a divorcee and lives alone in his unit (unless his girlfriend stays over, which is not very often). and so, whenever i cook anything special, i would make it a habit to pass some of it to him.

and that was exactly what i did today. i brought some of the glutinous rice i cooked over for him. as usual, he had left his kitchen door slightly opened. i could hear him preparing some food in his kitchen as i walked over. i peered in as i called out to him and... oops! he was standing there in the nude, preparing some food of course. my appearance caught him by surprise and he quickly ran in to put on a pair shorts before appearing again. heh heh... well, i was not too awkward about it and simply told him that that's what i would do if i were him. we had a good laugh over it.

heh... of cos, there's nothing sexual about it, just a very "man" thing. and i totally can appreciate it cos, as i said, i do the same when there is no one around at home. 

:-)

糯米饭

cooked the traditional hokkien glutinous rice (糯米饭) today.

lots of it! haha... guessed i overestimated the amount. so now i have a big wok of glutinous rice and only my mother, maid and i to eat. haha... gonna be a "santa claus" later and distribute the rice to people who knows how to appreciate such traditional fare!

haha!

distracting learners

something cheeky post before the friday ends.

as a trainer, it's hard not to be distracted when a learner came to class in with a very low-rise tight jeans and a very "high-rise" g-string. and this was even more so when the program involved activities that required the learners to sit on the floor, move around and reach for heights. haha...

happy weekend!

domino effect

there is clearly a domino effect happening, following the change of the top man in my set-up. apart of seeing the next layer leaving one-by-one, i am also seeing him bringing in his people at the minus-two level. we will be seeing more interesting developments.

i am sure.

trendy uncle

i decided to shed my conservative uncle image and be a trendy uncle today. i wore skinny topshop jeans and long sleeve casual shirt to work. added to that, i wore shoes and belt that matches the colours of my shirt checks. well, the colour combination was good, but considering i hardly wear earth tones, i myself felt a little foreign to this new look. but yeah, i thought i looked ok.

and after a while, i wondered if i looked like a pumpkin walking on a pair of chopsticks.

haha!

inspiring songs

these two songs were from my childhood days in the 1970s.

for the first song, it was one of the earliest that i could recall. it was from a movie that my mum brought me to watch and the song kinda got stuck in my mind after that. very inspiring song that encourages one to pick oneself up when one falls down.

for the second song, my eldest sis used to sing it when she was in her secondary school. it was also a song that my officer cadet school platoon used to sing as we marched along in camp. it is about how the singer wished she was like the seagull, searching for its goals and ideals as it soars higher and higher in the skies, and how she wished she could be as brave and strong as the seagull.

the lyrics of both songs are very inspiring. we don't have songs like these anymore these days.

and i have specifically dedicated these songs to my blog kawan (friend) chinese prick.

:-)

chinese prick

it is one thing to be mentioned in a person's blog, but it brings the whole response to a new level when someone dedicated a post to you. and this was what chinese prick did in his post. he sang and dedicated a song to me too, for that matter. felt so honoured, given the fact that he has never post any of his songs in english before and dedicated this to me. 

thanks cp. and whatever you are going through, do know that you are not alone. many of us have gone through very similar journeys before. it's a very humbling experience when you reach the point where you can be comfortable with yourself. at that point in time, when you look back, you will probably just smile and tell yourself how grateful you are to have been given the chance to take this journey. 

i am sure you will walk along life's journey just fine. 

i know cos i have walked it. 

:-)

death

once again, i had a "dreamful" night.

here're two that i vaguely recall.

first, my mum died.

second, something that i had suspected all these while was true.

cannot recall the details though...

preparing another transition

its time to update my résumé and look for a job...

my chief confided in me this afternoon about her impending resignation. to her, the relationship with the new top man is not working out. added to that, he has given her the direction to retain either her or the second man in the department. i had seen it coming and wasn't too surprise when she shared it with me. she sounded so apologetic about it but well, i assured her that i was ok with it and instead thanked the fact that our paths had crossed and that i was able to be part of her team. 

looks like it's gonna be all over again for me... but as she suggested, i should wait and see first and not rush to change anything. just need to hold onto the fort and see how things develop. for all i know, i might be able to continue serving this new top man. hmmm... then again, i have already more of less decided. even if i can work with the new top man, the person she will be handing over her duties to would be someone i probably will not be able to work with. 

i need someone who can lead decisively yet gives me the space to grow, and navigate. and this person is not one that fit such a description. and without sounding personal, i myself think my current company is a tat too small to be able to give me the opportunities to grow and the scope to really learn my trade. thus, in the longer run, it would be a wiser consideration to move when i am still in demand.

it's been a good year plus so far. let's see how i make the next half year or so an equally good one. there is no rush nonetheless. 

:-)

back to work

it was funny to get an sms from my boss last evening checking if i was well and whether i had had a good rest over the weekend. if i had not known her, i would have suspected she was checking on me and sussing out whether i had been malingering! anyway, after the initial few messages, she started using chinese and said something along the lines of - you have been taking care of everyone around you all these while, it is time for you to take care of yourself now... and after a few further messages, the sms-conversation ended with - you can only take care of your mum only if you are well. i really didn't know how to respond to her further other than thanking her.

i went back to work today and everyone in the office was kinda surprised to see me. many asked - how come you come back to work? and i could only lie to them that i was bored staying at home. the conversation ended there. these are just simple responses to such courtesies. they are no different from those "hi how are you?" kinda questions. often, such courtesies do not need any responses. a "good, thanks" would do perfectly fine. heh... 

and the day ended with almost everyone, including my boss, reminding me to not go back to work tomorrow if i should feel unwell. i must admit that it felt a little weird to get such attention from my boss and colleagues. it's still the first in my whole working life (of about 3 decades). 

then again, it felt very nice and warm.

:-)

tuina

my boss gave me the green light to take a week's rest at home. but i am not gonna do that. cannot afford to allow people to think that i am taking it just becos my boss allowed it. rather, i would want to be back at work to do what i needed to do. need to continue to support my staff. 

anyway, decided to take the day off this morning when i felt sore and peed blood again. headed to the pool to relax but ended up having the pool full of noisy kids! doh! and in the afternoon, i decided to head to the chinese tcm for a massage. whole body had been feeling rather tight lately and thought it would be a good idea of get some form of therapy to loosen things up. and wohhhh... it was on helluva massage! the lady pressed the points so correctly and so hard that i was near to tears! but of cos, it felt good. 

so, here i am. whole body feeling very sore from the massage and hoping to be able to sleep well tonight. let's see how things go ya?

:-)