life's blessings

i think i am getting old… ok, reframe, i think i am mellowing a lot a lot with age. for i can now totally appreciate the little blessings in life. little things that i wouldn't even think about when i was a kid. for example, sitting in a hawker center with mum, eating our vegetarian noodles and drinking the local coffee black (kopi-o) as we watched the aunties and uncles do their marketing. basically, doing nothing except people watching and listening to karen carpenter's hits being played in the background.

such was the simple singaporean saturday morning breakfasts for me weekly.

we cannot get more heartlander than that.

and to me, it was priceless.

:-)

tablets

this is what tablets mean to the elderly. 

different from what tablet means to us. 

:-)

led light

wednesday was like any other day in office for me. work, emails. meetings. etc… and as usual, one of my colleague came up to me and passed me a letter. i took a look at it and left it on my table. just another one of those training flyers, i thought to myself. and i continued with whatever i was doing. i forgot about the letter conveniently and it was only on late thursday afternoon that i noticed it again. i opened it up and interestingly, i saw a letter inside. and it was addressed to me. ok, that was something really new. almost always, it would be addressed to some sir or madam. i took out the letter, unfolded it and i realized…

i had won a prize!

haha. it was really out of the blue. well, you see, i have always been that kinda person who never wins anything. for that matter, if anyone were to bet on any number that was associated with me (say my address, my car number, etc), they would be sure to lose the money. but hey, this time round i had actually won something. i read on and realized that the prize was a 3m 6000 led light that cost some s$269. wow! and it was then that my colleague reminded me about the stationaries that we purchased last month for some programs we were conducting.

such luck.

heh heh...

pic from http://www.motherinc.org

stiff

it was stiff since tuesday morning. i meant my neck. i didn't know how it came about but it got worst through the day… and it lasted till today. very uncomfortable.

let's hope it goes off soon.

penis

i really do not know if this image is true or if it was a product of some prankster photoshopping it. whatever the case, i had a good laugh over it. it certainly reinforced the point about the need to be careful about putting the space right.

:-)

ps: and yes, the penis is indeed mightier than the finger! agree totally!

helping a friend

i came home from work on wednesday and i got a call from a friend. i need help, he said… i didn't hesitate, i agreed. that call resulted in me bringing mum for a nice evening drive out of singapore. it was an unplanned trip but it turned out nicely for mum. it was a good break from the usual evening dinner and shopping routine for her. and i thought she enjoyed it lots.

well you see, i have a friend who lives in jb. this friend travels across the causeway to singapore two to three times a week to do his shopping, socialize and to catch up with his countrymen (he's european). and he has been doing so for many years. and it so happened that on wednesday, when he came over to do his christmas shopping, his car broke down as he was driving home from singapore. and he called me and asked if i could help him...

the rest was history…

:-)

weird night

last night was superbly weird for me. 

i supposed it was becos mum went a little bonkers before she went to bed. and it ended with her raising her voice at me, getting all so worked up and heading to bed full of angst. it all started after the evening tv serial when she asked me if i will be bringing the dog down to pee. it was a weird question cos i never did that. as a routine, i would only bring the dog down at about midnight before i retire for the night. anyway, she added, and you are gonna stay downstairs for a long while to let her play right? nope, i said, i'll be hanging out the laundry to dry and perhaps head out for a run. and she gave that a suspicious look and repeated what she said. her sentences came out weird cos at times, it sounded like a question and at times, it sounded like a statement. feeling a little bewildered by her repetitions, i said i didn't quite understand what she was trying to say and asked her to clarify. and again, she repeated what she said, this time adding an additional phrase that i should know what she meant and with the tone that suggest i had something planned and trying to hide what i would be doing by bringing the dog downstairs…

it was all so convoluted. and as she repeated herself, her tone of her voice got more and more hostile. it was rather frustrating and i decided against heading out for my usual evening runs. it was clear that her mental issues was working up. i proceeded to hang out the laundry and did my work in the living instead. work that involved lots of number crunching and lots of excel spreadsheet. as for mum, she gave me that evil weird look on her face as she grudgingly strutted into her room to sleep. i suspected she didn't sleep and my suspicion was confirmed cos about an hour plus later, she called out to me… where are you and what are you doing?!?!?! doing my work, i said as i continued. she didn't respond further. it was about midnight when i brought the dog down for her final pee before i retired to bed.

and so you can imagine my state of mind when i retired to bed. i felt very drained mentally and very frustrated. yet, my mind was very wide awake. and i tossed and turned in my bed. soon enough, i drifted into a state where i was between being awake and asleep. in that state, i remembered suddenly shouting and scolding something or someone, i didn't know. i was very angry and the anger was so intense i remembered pointing my finger at that person (or something). after that intense burst of emotions, there was a sudden feeling of calm. and within a split second, i felt a very sudden intense rush of energy. again, i didn't know how to describe this energy but the closest i could perhaps liken it to was - an orgasm. haha… but no, i did not have a wet-dream. i have never experienced it in my life (haha, too much info), but yeah, it felt like an intense orgasm of a young teenager and all the rush of testosterone. my whole body was shaking and trembling… and just as suddenly as it came, the feeling disappeared.  i couldn't remember anything after that.

next thing i knew, i woke up. it was about 5am…

weird.

looking for a maid

after all these while, mum finally agreed for me to get a maid. i told her i needed one to help me manage the house, and at the same time, help me look after her. i started looking around and learned from the classified ads in the newspapers that there are some maid agencies at katong shopping center. and so last week, i decided to drop by the place to take a look. i brought mum along after our breakfast last saturday morning. now, katong shopping center was a place that i frequent in the early-80s. it was the place to be for teenagers at that time. in fact, katong was the center of every possible activities in those days. cinemas, coffee shops, restaurants, shopping centers… you name it, you have it. but over the years, the place gradually lost its lustre to other areas. and today, it is a run down place. no one goes there anymore.

anyway, we arrived at the shopping center and took the lift to the first floor. i could no longer recognize the place. the whole floor was occupied by maid agencies. and it was quite a sight. as i pushed mum along, i saw many maids seated neatly and looking out from the offices of the so-called "employment agencies". imagine this, rows and rows of maids, all dressed in identical bright colored t-shirts in each shop. and the t-shirt color of the maid in different shop wore different colors. there were maids dressed in luminous pink t-shirts, luminous green t-shirts, and so on. and interestingly (or scarily), all of them had this "green" and "lost" look. everyone single one stared out blankly at us as we moved along. and for a few more adventurous ones, they grinned at us too. frankly, all these blanks stares and grins made me feel very intimidated. it was rather scary too. i told mum i felt intimidated and she simply brushed me off. she on the other hand was having a ball of a time criticizing maids in general about how bad they could be. and as she narrated her stories, she pointed to a few of those who stared at us…

it was rather overwhelming. in no time, i decided i had enough and left the place. i decided i should just ask around my friend for contacts. it looked like its gonna be more challenging that i thought.

haha...

spreading the dharma

i had the chance to talk to mum about the dharma today. 

in fact i do it often, but today, the lesson was very specific. it was about impermanence. you see, i brought her to the temple after breakfast and since we had all the time, i decided to slowly push her around the whole of the temple complex. we passed by some beautiful flowers and she asked me to pluck her a stalk of "blue" flowers. she wanted to have it and to admire it. i did it dutifully. as long as she is happy, i told myself, although plucking flowers is something i seldom do.

we continued walking and visited the different halls. and finally after a long walk, we arrived at the hall of the medicine buddha. she offered her prayers and when she looked down onto her hands, the flowers she was holding on to wilted. she lamented how 'sayang' it was that such a beautiful thing was lost in such a short period of time.  well, you very well know how i jumped on that opportunity to share about impermanence.

i thought is was a very good chance to share about impermanence and to also suggest to her about the need to let go. i wanted to do so cos i noted she has been so attached and caught with her past. nonetheless, i knew it would be futile. you cannot change the thoughts and habit of a person at that age. but i told myself that even if, in that short moment, she could comprehend the dharma, i would have achieved my aims of ridding her of some pains.

may she be well.

ondeh ondeh

"or-neh or-neh" or "or-nek or-nek"... that's how hokkien auntie calls the ondeh ondeh, a really delicious peranakan/ malay snack. and "or-neh" sounded bloody crude cos "or-neh" in hokkien can also mean black tits!

lol!

picture from http://www.timeoutkl.com

well vs unwell

well, i have a made an interesting observation about mum. when she is well, she is unwell, and when she is unwell, she is well. understand? haha... let me explain.

when she is sick and down with respiratory-related issues and can't breathe well, she is usually lucid and rather normal mentally. so i don't often experience her tantrums, emotional swings, etc. conversely, when she is normal and can breathe properly, she tends to be extra suspicious of me, and often throws her tantrums and gets into emotional swings...

and i have a theory why things are like that. and i suspect when she has respiratory issues, the brain gets starved of oxygen, goes into survival mode and thus focuses on what's necessary to stay alive. and when there is normal oxygen intake, the brain starts to invest the oxygen in other areas that allows her to "do other less productive things", like suspect people! haha... such a naive theory. but hey, let's just take life as it comes and manage it.

discharge tomorrow

the doctor called me at about 6pm and told me that mum could possibly be discharged tomorrow. she said she will do some final checks tomorrow morning before she confirms it. she explained that mum had too much water in her lungs and this worsened her asthmatic condition.

well, that kinda explained why mum was not responsive to the nebuliser nor the oxygen machine when i administered to her over the weekend. and the water was likely due to her insistence on drinking lots of water despite telling her not to. it's not the first time already, but somehow she just refused to control her water intake. i was able to control it when i was around, but once i was not around…

let's hope she learns from this lesson once again...

crying families

just as i reflected about people not knowing how to manage signs when looking after elderly, there is now a family standing outside the a&e department crying away. and one of the family member making so much noise about wanting to talk to the doctor and some other family members squabbling about how to manage their father (who's inside the critical ward).

well... looking through all the emotions and squabbles, it is clear that they all are in sync in wanting the best for their father.

in a way, i understand the tensions and the highly tensed state of emotions. but from another perspective, i do wish my siblings could be here too. then again, that would be too much to ask. probably the best respond i had was from my second sis who said she could come down if need be, but she would need to take painkillers as she suffered a small toe fracture last evening.

ah well, it is certainly easier in life not to have any expectations from anyone.

blessed

i often wonder how people who are less educated or are not familiar with medical terms and treatment handle their sickly an elderly family members? i cannot imagine how many death has possibly occur due to this. it's very scary.

and i reflected about this cos time and again, when i observe signs that didn't seemed right, i'd do my research in the internet, and to call up my doctor-friends to seek opinions. and due to my biology background, i was probably able to better understand how to titrate medications and is a little more sensitive to physical signs.

and even then, i felt a little helpless. so, i cannot imagine how others manage themselves when faced with such situations... and thinking about it, i felt blessed.

then again, perhaps from another perspective, ignorance is bliss?

hmmm...

ed

well, the acronym "ed" can refer to erectile dysfunction as well as "emergency department". i was a little confused last evening when i checked with a kl about what i should do with mum, given her increased breathlessness, cough, and frequent complains of thirst these few days. and after asking a few questions, he suggested i manage her salt intake and if her condition continues to deteriorate, i should bring her in to the ed.

so... yup, after her day-long pouting and pulling of long face, i decided to bring her in. she had insisted on going to bed and it was clear that she could no longer handle her normal routines. initially, she vehemently refused to head to the hospital ed. but during dinner, she started choking and coughed non-stop. and after dinner (which was plain porridge again), her oxygen saturation fell to 71% (normal person would be 95% and above). she panted heavily non-stop and was terribly breathless. i took the opportunity to take her to the ed, and she relented. she had no other options.

as usual, she was immediately wheeled in to the critical care ward. i am now waiting for the medical staff to come out to brief me on her condition. i think she would be admitted again.

all about piss

yesterday was interesting.

i brought mum and sapphie to the beach and sapphie had a ball of time swimming away. and as usual, after swimming, she would pee and poo before coming home. i went through the routine of giving her a bathe and drying her after we came home. and i sat down to watch tv with mum. 

sapphie then came up to me and placed her paw on my lap, something she'd do whenever she needs me to give her a pat, scratch her or simply to ruffle the fur on her body. i did all of it and she seemed pretty happy. and when i stopped, she placed her paw on my lap again. and of cos i patted her, scratched her and ruffled her fur again. and when i stopped, she came back and insisted for me to do it again. after a few times, i noted her fur was flying all over again and that her body was trembling. even her lips were trembling back. i concluded her skin was itchy again thought it would be good to apply some coconut oil on her skin.

i took out the coconut oil, pour a good amount onto her coat and started massaging onto it. and next thing knew, she started peeing onto the floor. huge amount of piss came out. and she ran off from me, as she continued peeing. aiyoh… the whole living room floor was full of her piss! and when she was finally done, she ran to the corner of the room, looking guilty. it dawned upon me then that she was trying to get me to bring her downstairs to pee! haha! of cos i quickly ran to the kitchen to get a floor rug to cleaned up the piss… needed to do this before mopping the floor.

mum sat on the sofa all these while and stared at me. once i wiped the piss off the floor, i walked to the kitchen to get the mop and a pail of water. and when i returned, mum was no where to be found. instead, i see a trail of piss from the sofa to the bedroom toilet…

aiyoh...

moody mum

i am not sure why but i woke up to a very very angry mum who threw her tantrums at me. she said i should know what i did to her this morning. hmmm… what did i do? 

she said it was this morning. and i reflected. well she woke up at 4-ish, i woke up when i heard some commotion and as i walked out of the room, i walked into the metal grill that block my door to prevent sapphie from leaving the room during the night. and i thought she had a fright for she quickly asked me what was that… i simply said it was the grill and that she should not get overly excited nor startled over it… that was it. so do i do wrong? i didn't think so. 

anyway, she now refuse to take her medications, refuse to talk to me, refuse to head out for breakfast with me, and choose to cook her white porridge again and just sat in the living room and pout away. for me, i am just doing my routines of cleaning the house, etc and letting her be. shan't get too agitated by her behavior. the silver lining of this episode is that she gets to go on a diet, which is actually good for her cos i think she's getting a bit too fat.

good interesting dinner

i brought mum to town today for dinner. it was a friday and i thought it would be nice to bring her further from home for a change. we ended up in suntec city. after strolling around the place and looking for a place for dinner, i decided to settle for paradise inn, a chinese restaurant. it had been a long while since i last visited any paradise inn outlet, not since the one located in the shopping center near my place was closed for renovation.

we had a good meal of claypot sea cucumber with leek, spinach with 3 types of eggs and steamed chicken in some chinese herbs. once done, i called for the bill and told the staff i would like to claim whatever membership points i had. not long after, the staff returned and passed me a bill that amounted to almost S$70. i handed my credit card to the staff. and after some moments, the staff came back. sir, after deducting your membership points, your bill is only about S$12 and we do not accept credit cards for anything below S$15. well… ok, so i took out S$50 and passed it to the staff. a while later, the manager came out and looked for me… errmmm, sir, your membership had expired, but we will still honor your points. also, would you want to renew your membership? it will only be for an additional S$10. ok, i said. not long after, the manager came out and returned me S$40 and a receipt. it puzzled me. should she not return me S$38? i double checked the receipt. it was then that i realized after getting my membership renewed, my dinner tonight earned me further points and added to my previous points, i ended up getting a free dinner. and i even have extra points left for that matter!

well, it was the first such experience for me… but well, i have no complains!

;-)

supportive boss

time and again, my boss called me and asked how my mum was. she was nice enough to tell me that even if i do not report to work and choose to stay and work from home, she was ok. it was certainly very nice of her. and with her being so supportive, i actually felt at ease to work and in the end, felt the pressure not to fail her even more. this despite that fact that i hardly know her (since he just join the company 2 months back).

this is in such huge contrast to my previous boss who summoned me to his office and told me off that i should solve my mum's issue (he called her my problem). and that he cannot be unfair to the other business unit head if, becos of my mum, he cannot squeeze me as much as he squeezed them. and he ended his short screwing session with this line - "a person needs to know his limits and don't over-estimate himself, and that if my car is too big for me, i should consider changing to a smaller car"… wtf right? well, i left my job. to hell with him.

mum & my siblings

mum has been on the warpath against all my siblings since her discharge from the hospital. she now refuses to talk to any of them. and i think it is becos of she has gone into her self-pity mode again. 

you see, on the day after her discharge, i asked my second sis to help "babysit" her as i needed to head to work to settle some urgent stuff. i came home at noon to a very grumpy mum. she kept telling me never to ask my second sis over anymore. i found out later that she was very unhappy becos despite the fact that while my sis was over, she busied with her work and did not talk to my mum. my mum took offense and said that all second sis could think and talk about was work work work work and more work. and she interpreted all of second sis's work-focused behavior as hinting to her that she's in the way of her work. and with this, she insisted we should never ever call my second sis to look after her again. this, to her, was consistent with second sis's "standard" response whenever mum called her on the mobile that she's busy and could not talk. that was mum's tensions with second sis.

and with second sis all so focused on work, mum decided to call my eldest sis (the one who refused to talk to me). and mum asked her what was she doing. and eldest sis replied that she was eating her lunch and lazing around at home. again, mum took offense with this response. to mum, she said it was unacceptable. she rationalized that since eldest sis was so free, she should have called her (mum) to chat, and to ask about her well-being. and with this, mum concluded that she didn't have her in her heart at all. she then started lamenting that she had wasted her younger years sacrificing every little comfort for my sisters and now that she's sick, nobody was interested about her well-being… that was mum's tensions with eldest sis.

and with my brother. regretfully, he had transferred his negative energies towards me against her. you see, when i called him to inform him about her hospitalization, he accused me of not taking care of her  well, that i had ill-treated her, and he went on about how i did not even get a domestic help to look after her (for the record, i could not get a domestic helper cos mum continued to be registered under his address to allow him to claim income tax relief from looking after her, and to also use her as a justification to get his mother-in-law over to singapore for short term stays. this adds to his justification that his wife couldn't cope with the kids and to look after mum at the same time. anyway, after accusing me about all these things, he started bringing in history. he went on to accuse me of doing to mum what i did to my dad, of neglect, of ill-treatment, of not putting in efforts, and even causing his death… well… he continued to be angry with me for all these things that i didn't do. so when mum called him to tell him about her being discharged, he shouted at her for disturbing him at work. and after telling her off, he told her never to call him again. mum of cos did not take well to his shouting. it reminded her of all the scoldings she got from him consistently, the last being in jul when i went to kuala lumpur to attend a course. that was mum's tensions with my brother.

i used to try to speak good of them whenever mum talked about her tensions with them. but this time round, after my brothers nitpicking and accusations, i decided i shall just keep quiet. i will no longer try to cover for him. i will not speak ill of him, i will at most speak the fact. facts about how he accused me of wrongdoings, about how he shouted at me, etc. i see no need to try to protect him anymore. it was a little sad, but mum ended this week feeling like as though all her children (less me) had forsaken her. of cos, she was justified to feel angry, especially about my brother's treatment, but her sense of self-pity is really strong and there was no way to convince her otherwise.

mum & sleep

this has been a good week despite the fact that i was busy and preoccupied mentally with mum's discharge and health condition… for a start, mum was discharged on monday. and she was a little weak when she was discharged… well, ok, very weak. to the point where she could not take 2 steps or talk a few words without panting like crazy, and had to be put on oxygen.

but through the week, i could see her slowly but surely get stronger. it was also interesting to see how her waking up routines became kind of a reflection of her recovery. on tuesday morning, she did not wake up until about 7am, which was very unusual cos she would usually stir at about 3-4am nightly.  and she looked all groggy and wasted when she finally woke up. it took her quite a while to get up, wash up and eventually dress up. and i had to help her. on wednesday morning, she woke up at 5-plus. i was awaken by the creaking sound of the walking frame she used as she walked out of her room and rushed out to help her. she insisted that i return to sleep saying that i had to work. i refused to unless she did so too. after some grumbling, she went back to bed. the same thing happened on thursday morning. once again, i woke up and helped her. this time round, she decided to walk out to the living room as i made her her morning beverage. while she grumbled about me not having enough sleep, i thought she was secretly happy to be receiving the attention. and this morning, it was interesting. she woke up at 3.45am and she did not use her walking frame. instead she walked slowly to the toilet and washed up. i was awaken by the sound of running water, but decided against walking out to help her. i kept quiet but later decided that i should just call out to her to be careful and walk slowly. i need to tell her that i was awake, but at the same time, impressed upon her that i have confidence in her to manage her walking independently.

well… tonight, i'll sleep with my door open again. let's see how things go tomorrow. if things are ok, i will probably start to close my door through the night again.

:-)

financial review

it's been many years since i started investing and i took the chance over the last week since my mum was hospitalized to head to the bank to review the investments. there was the push to do it becos one of the investment i made got back to me and told me that they would be taking the fund off the market and if i do not realize the value, they will simply sell it off and credit it into my account.

well, it seemed like a straight forward matter as i headed to the bank. but when the personal banker opened up my account, he almost fell off his chair. well, you see, i have been a lazy investor that do not spend any efforts to monitor and manage my investments at all. and over time, i have invested small amounts and sell of every once a while to finance my housing loans, car loans etc. and as a result, my investment records are in a mess! accordingly most investments would make money 2-3 years after their initial launch and most people would sell them off. for me, i have not looked at what i bought over the many years and not really analyze what to sell what i sell. what this meant was - many of the stuff i bought has gone into the red, and there were times where i sold off some that i should have kept etc. as a result, the amount of monies i have lost over time was quite substantial. wtf right?

all these created a huge challenge for the personal banker. i had to give him 2 hours to consolidate the numbers and after which he had to get an investment specialist to attend to me, just to advice me how to move ahead with whatever monies i have left… 

i was like… hmmm… how the hell am i gonna plan for my retirement when what i have can barely last me a year or two, based on my current liabilities!?!? it is bad enough for me to be part of the so called sandwiched generation (where most of our savings are used up either on loans for to sustain the livelihood of the previous generation. and end of it all, we may appear comfortable but in reality, we are a living time bomb), but to be caught with poor financial management efforts really adds to the headaches. 

my own creation… can only blame myself!

damned! 

fit for discharge

mum was finally cleared for discharge today. well, sort of, i supposed. you see, the hospital is operating on 100% occupancy rate and as long as patients are relatively well and deemed sufficiently independent of nursing care, they would be encouraged to continue their recovery process at home. 

and this morning, while at work, i got a text from my brother-in-law telling me that my eldest sis will not be visiting her since she said she would be discharged during lunchtime. naturally, i dropped all tools and rushed down to the hospital, but as i made my way there, i got a call from the nurse. you need not come down now. your mum will only be discharged at about 4pm. we need to do some final checks and documentations for her before she could be discharged…

hmmm, ok, so the "discharged by lunchtime" call was mum's call. guessed she was a little too excited about it. anyway, i continued to visit her and chatted with her for a while. and since my boss had let me off, i was free technically till 4pm. and i went to the pool for a quick final hour mental break. haha… well, end of it all, i managed to get mum home by 5pm, and she was so excited about being able to come home and go shopping she didn't want to shower. the nurse had cleaned me this morning. and we should be able to head out soon… she said.

heh… so i brought her to the airport, had some chicken tonic soup and a good dinner. and after that wheeled her around the different terminals in the airport to view all the different installation art pieces and got home only at 9-plus.

she is now sound asleep. all said and done, it was clear she was again weakened by her pneumonia. she could hardly walk now. and i need to wheel her around, even in the house. i'll be sleeping with my bedroom door open so that i will know once she wakes up and moves around. 

time to hit the sack!

zzzzz...

忍

need to constantly remind myself to 忍 and to keep calm

despite all the nitpicking and hostilities from my brother

openly in front of the public. 

told my mum that once she dies,

i will sell my house,

move away,

and no longer keep in touch with him.

i need to preserve my sanity.

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空。

picture from www.zihua01.com

it's the end

there have been quite a bit of publicity for the institute of technical education (also known as "ite" for short) recently. and today, it was in the papers again. it seems like there was an on-going effort by the ministry of education to align the ite curriculum with those of local polytechnics. this is to ensure there is some consistency in learning progression and synchronization of learning outcomes nation-wide.

and when bee saw this new, he asked me this: "how come this year ite has so much limelight?" well, i didn't answer, i didn't know the answer too. but his question reminded me of someone who cheekily told me that the term ite means... "it's the end". i thought it was quite funny, but not in a derogatory way. perhaps such a cheeky take on the acronym is in direct reference to the fact that students who do not fare well academically in mainstream schools, but are more inclined towards technical skills, are channeled to ite. well, perhaps the fact that there is such an cheeky take suggests something needs to be done to strengthen the brand.

nonetheless, i hope this is not what the ite students think...

crushed snake

i don't like snakes. but still, i feel sad that this has to happen to the snake, being crushed by a car and sun dried till it look like some fossil from some prehistoric times. and lagi (even) worst, kenah (got) trampled by people...

sighs.

titrate upwards

when i visited my mum yesterday, i voiced my concerns with the hospital doctor for giving mum such a low dosage of her mental institute medications. 

i thought the doctor had over-reacted. but it was with good intentions nonetheless. apparently, when she was admitted, they gave her the usual dosage of her mental medicine and as a result, she got totally knocked out. and then the doctors in the a&e department thought she had suffered a stroke and pressed the alarm and activated the neuro-specialist. and on the second day, they got over-conservative and cut her usual dosage to a quarter… this resulted in her getting paranoid and begin spouting all sorts of accusations and worries immediately after her vital signs stabilized. 

anyway, after i voiced my concerns yesterday, i was glad that they took heed of my advice to titrate her mental institute's medications upwards again. she seemed a little more stable mentally today. nonetheless, she was still saying some unpleasant things that suggest her paranoia was still there. i did a check this evening and was glad that they have increased the dosage back to her pre-hospitalization levels. lets' hope she gets "a little more" normal tomorrow.

if things continue to be so smooth and she continue to respond well to the treatment, i think she would be discharged in 2 days time.

let's see...

turn of events

7am

slept at close to 3am, woke up at 6-ish, changed up and headed to the hospital to check on mum. she was sleeping soundly. i tried to wake her but she couldn't wake up. it was not usual cos she'd be awake by this time usually. the nurse came up to me and said she might have a brain hemorrhage after all. but the nurse qualified that she was not clear of the findings and that only the doctor would be able to give me the correct assessment. seeing mum like that, i knew there was nothing i could do and i left for office.

8.30am

at my usual parking space beside the road, i parked my car and, for that moment, felt totally lost. i thought about the possibility of losing my mum and i just sat in my car and cried. and i decided not to head to office after all. so unglam to head to office with my panda, red and swollen eyes. i drove off and headed to the coffee shop for a quick bite. and as i ate, i noticed a missed call from the hospital. quickly, i finished my food and rushed back to the hospital.

9.15am

i walked into the observation ward and the nurse came up to me. oh, i called you. your mum is awake. i took a look and there she was, she had finally opened her eyes. i called out to her and she could respond a little here and there. the doctors came, and told me they were treating it as a case of bad pneumonia. but the doctors cautioned. her blood pressure is still very low, and she's still not out of the woods yet. she may just still slip off anytime... so…

11am

i had stayed with mum for the last 2-3 hours or so. and through this period i could see her slowly getting better. her blood pressure had increased to a more reasonable level and she was no longer panting. but her face was still a little swollen and she frequently slipped into little naps. i decided to leave her at that time, knowing that my brother and my eldest sister would be visiting her over the lunch hour.

3pm

i had gone for a quick mental blank-out at the swimming pool. and after that i got home, did the laundry and totally knocked out on my bed. woke up at 2.30pm and made my way back to the hospital. she had been transferred to the general ward (from the observation ward). and i was amazed by what i saw. she was sitting up and recognized me when i walked into the ward. and more importantly, she was able to hold a conversation, and her fever had subsided. apparently, she had responded very well to the many injections and antibiotics and apart from slight wheezing, she seemed normal. but she's still on a heavy dose of oxygen. her oxygen saturation collapse very fast when the oxygen was removed. anyway, i spoke with her until my second sis arrived at 5pm. and i decided to take my leave at 5.30pm. was a close shave. been a tense 24 hours. but it seemed like she's ok for now.

7pm

i brought sapphie out for a short run. been a long time since i did that for i couldn't do it when mum was around. anyway, i got a call from second sis. she pre-empt me - don't get angry with what i am going to say ok? and said "mum is still very convinced that you frequently visit the woman that made dad bad. and she said you are planning to kill her" well, with this input, i think she's quite normal now despite her wheezing like crazy! start of the same old sh** again for me!

hahahha!

turn for the worst

got a call from the hospital at 1130pm. 

your mum's condition took a turn for the worst. her blood pressure has dropped to dangerously low, and she's not responsive. we are doing a brain scan now as we suspect she has a stroke. we are in contact with the tan tock seng neurospecialists and they are advising us how to manage her. we need to discuss with you how to manage her if her condition turns bad. do we go in and aggressively keep her, even to the extend of inserting a tube to help her breath? or do we let her go?…

well… keep her as long as you can, until i can make arrangements for my family to see her.

well, that was how the conversation went between the doctor and i. and i rushed down to the hospital. my second sis came along. and i contacted my bro and my bro-in-law. all noted the update. and through the evening, i got a earful from my brother about how i ill-treated my dad, how i continue to ill-treat my mum, how i refused to get a maid for her, how… yup… long list of accusations. very difficult to handle the conversation and i sensed myself getting angry. decided to cut short the conversation by hanging up the phone a few times, just to call back again, pretending that the line dropped. he always has anger-management issues. cooled myself down and told myself that as long as my conscience is clear, it doesn't matter what he says. 

anyway, as for my mum. she was put through a brain scan, they did not find any blood clots. but they are not ruling out the possibility of a blood clot. and after discussing all the symptoms, i asked them - what time did you administer the evening medications? my question kinda caught the doctors by surprise. and i explained that she (my mum) would knock-out flat nightly after her evening medications. that has been the effects of the mental health medication to control her paranoia, delusion, etc. the knock-out effect would last some 4hours before she would stir at about 1-2am. and with this input, the doctors went to check the records. and hey, it was kinda consistent that the blood pressure drop, her lack of responsiveness etc, all started about 45min after they administered the evening medications! 

with this realization, they heaved a small sigh of relief. at least there was some possibility that it was not something more serious or life threatening. despite that, the doctors assured me they will monitor her through the night closely and hopefully she start getting a little more responsive at about 3am. and to test my inputs, the doctor tried to wake her up. and this time, she responded a little… whew. let's see if she stirs later on. they'll keep me posted if anything should go wrong, they said. and with that, i returned home. 

fingers crossed.

your mum vomited

was at my desk and a call came in. the phone screen showed the name of the rehab center manager. "ahhhh... your mum vomit in the ambulance on way home. you got anyhow at home? she's very weak and need help now...". i told her i will return home right away.

i arrived home within 15min to find mum at the void deck slummed against the chair, and the rehab center staff beside her. quickly i transferred her to the wheelchair and brought her home. once home, i helped her change into a t-shirt but i could get her to change into her sarong, she vomited again and went into a state of semi-consciousness. her whole body went frigid and felt very hot

i called for the ambulance straightaway. decided it would not be right to try to wash her up and to send her to the general hospital. very soon, the ambulance came. it was not easy for me at that moment cos as i waited, she was slipping into a state of unconsciousness...

anyway, the ambulance finally arrived, and she was promptly send to the hospital. and she was wheeled into the a&e department immediately. the doctors have concluded that she has had another bout of infection and her lungs were affected. my suspicion was that she caught the bug from my nephew as he had a cold when she stayed over during my duty travel.

she regained consciousness after they put her through intensive oxygen treatment and her 40 degrees temperature has dropped. managed to speak with her for a while and gave her a little something to eat. she couldn't recall what happened and was totally confused. but well, thankfully she's alive. she should be staying in the hospital for a couple of days...

little breaks

decided to take a mental break and applied for half day leave this morning.

i realized i will be busy coming 2-3 weeks as a new colleague will be joining my department tomorrow and i have been tasked to buddy her and run her into the company. so... yup, got my car serviced, and since i have some time before i can collect my car, i went for a short 10min tan at the public pool, and walked around and had lunch at a shopping center downtown.

been a long long while. nice view during my lunch too!

:-)

weird dream 2

this dream occurred this morning.

i was walking aimlessly out of my estate (again, as in all dreams, it felt like my estate but physically it looked different) towards the main road. and then somehow (like a bridging scene between two different sets in a movie), i found myself on a crowded walkway that appeared out of nowhere. people beside me told me this walkway was a short cut to the bus stop and before i knew it, i was at the bus stop.

it was weird but at that time, it seemed like i was making my way to school, tanjong katong technical school, to be specific (in real life, i was never in tk tech). i was waiting for my bus when i noticed james (my ex) standing close by. he didn't see me and he was chatting with a young boy. he spotted a tiny goatee and he dressed young. the boy must be his student, i thought. as i waited for the bus, i took frequent glances at them and hoped to be able to see which bus james would board. just then a bus came and everybody rushed to it, and as i was standing close to the bus entrance, i invariably found myself caught in the crowd. and when the bus moved off, james was no longer where he stood. i looked around and saw him seated at the back of the bus that had just left. and he turned his head an looked at me.

another bus came and i boarded. it didn't matter what the bus number was although i realized at that very point that i didn't know which bus goes to tk tech. and for some reasons, i was holding a school certificate. i walked to the rear of the bus after boarding and i walked pass an indian family. now this family comprised the mother, a prosperous sized woman who wore a traditional indian sari, her son (who was sitting beside me) and the father (whose presence was felt, but i didn't notice how he looked like). anyway, as i passed the indian lady, she looked at me. she saw my certificate in my hand and told her son how good the results were. she said it could be a masters degree and that her son should strive for it too. quickly i corrected her and said it was only an a-level certificate and not a masters degree...

and then i woke up.

another anti-climax dream.

weird dream 1

had a weird dream two nights ago.

i had brought mum out to do some shopping (as usual) and when i returned home, the door was ajar. well, ok it was a home in my dream although the house didn't look anything near my real life home. the sofa was black and the layout of the house was different. in fact it looked like a tv drama set-up living room, and i was looking at myself peeking into the room, just like a tv drama scene.

anyway, i saw myself looking in and realized that the house had been broken in to and things were all over the place. my first thought was not to make mum panic and left her outside the house as i walked in. it was a mess, but interesting speaking, there was a rack of clothes, mum's clothes for that matter, and all were all nicely pressed and hung. and interestingly all the clothing were brightly coloured.

i saw myself walked into the bedroom, and similarly it was all messed up...

and then i woke up...

a rather anticlimax end with no closure, i must say,

:-)

weeeee... identity!

launched a new program for my company yesterday after months of development. glad it was well-received.

feeling drained but satisfied.

:-)

regretful incident @ the temple

brought mum to the temple today. it was the first day of the tenth lunar month and felt right to pay a visit to the temple. and as always, we went there about 3-ish when the sun was not so warm. 

we arrived at the temple at about 3.45pm and i promptly wheeled mum to the altar located outside the main door. i picked up a couple of joss sticks but when i went around the place, i noted all the candles and light had been extinguished. i walked into the main hall itself, looking for a light. and the auntie looking after the hall told me not to use joss sticks and to just use my hands, it's the same she said. and she added that the temple would be closing soon. well, i could have explained to her that perhaps it was the same to her, but to me and i was sure to my mum, it was different (for different reasons). anyway, i did not refute. i simply thanked her and went out to tell my mum about it. 

my mum took it in good spirit, placed her palms together and made a prayer as she faced the sky. and when she was done, i turned the wheelchair and pushed her towards the main hall entrance (where the buddhas were located inside). i was just two steps away from the door when the auntie, despite seeing me, slammed the door onto me and my mum's face. wt..! i was surprised, shocked and simply disappointed with such a behavior. i did not say anything but just told mum to say her prayers in front of the closed doors. again, mum took it well. she could not understand why the temple closed so early, but took it in stride and simply accepted the fact that at least she managed to make her way to the temple today.

sighs…

mar-seh-lee

well yes, that is how the auntie at the market pronounce the word "mercedez" - mar-seh-lee. and it was quite funny actually. was pushing mum along the housing estate shop houses and came face-to-face with another auntie on a wheelchair. she was being pushed by her domestic helper. she looked at my mum, and then looked at me, and gave out a small laugh. and she said out loud "wah, chit pai chin chueh mar-seh-lee!"  (wow, nowadays there's a lot of mercedez [people on wheelchair]!)

and off she went… 

lol! it's nice to see things from a fun side and laugh at oneself once a while.

johari window

the johari window

i was in jakarta this week to conduct some training and introduced the johari window to the course participants, and the first question that came from participants was - is johari indonesian or malaysian?

hmmm…

ps: the name johari actually came from two persons… joseph luft and harrington ingham

shopping centers

have been bringing mum to different shopping centers very often, so much so that i am not interested in the things anymore. perhaps it is my lack of attachments to material things, but i do not see the need to buy anything that i do not use. is that a sign of age? haha… anyway, people go shopping center to look at things, i go shopping center to look at people. haha… one of the few opportunities to remind myself that i am, after all, a social creature.

then again, i am not good at interacting with people.

:-)

smooth@work

things have been going on very fine at work for me. and i am now a little worried. at the rate things are falling apart in the department and the rate people are leaving, it seemed like only my area is well kept and growing very well. and moving ahead, i can see my own areas growing to the point where i will likely be overwhelmed and yet at the same time, i am expected to help stabilize the department!

challenging days ahead! but of cos opportunities aplenty.

hurray? or haiz?

i don't know too…

lol!

thor: the dark world

caught the show on friday night with bee. decided to have a brainless and no stress evening. simple  and straightforward storyline although i must say it was not as engaging as the first. but yeah… pardon me for being shallow, chris hemsworth, who played the lead role as thor, was such a gorgeous hunk! and for that alone, it was worth the 2-hour plus in the cinema.

*like*

:-)

sapphie is 13!

today is sapphie's 13th birthday!

celebrated it early and bought her durians and papaya yesterday. she walloped everything superbly fast! and today, i decided to groom her. of cos, from her perspective, it was not something she looked forward to. i gave her a bath, cleaned her ears, and for the first time in many many years, to trimmed all her toe nails at one go, much to her protest.

lol!

break time

i went to jakarta to conduct training this week. flew off on tue night, conducted training on wed and thur and returned by late thur night. so technically, i was only away for 2 days. anyway, i brought mum to stay with my bro since last sunday and only fetched her yesterday.

told her i would be away from tue to fri night. decided to keep away the details from her. didn't want her to think too much and worst of all, didn't want her to suspect i am trying to get rid of her. i wasn't, just for the record. and for me myself, i needed the break.

and so, i managed to have a day's break. a mental break. worked for half a day on fri before my boss asked me to take the rest of the day off. and managed to head off to the pool to simple blank off, catch a show with bee, and simply do what i wanted to do without worrying about mum getting suspicious etc. while i noted she got a little emo once a while through the week, she seemed pretty ok when i fetched her on saturday morning.

i supposed all's well that ended well…

:-)

travel log

here's my updated travel-log…

2013
may - philippines (clark)
jul - malaysia (kl)
aug - indonesia (jakarta)
oct - indonesia (jakarta)

2012
nil

2011
feb - malaysia (jb)
jun - malaysia (jb)
oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)

2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)
nov - indonesia (jakarta)
dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (almost every city/town you can think of, lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), philippines (metro manila, cabanatuan city) (1995), etc etc etc...

draining week

was in indonesia to conduct a program for my indonesian office over the week.

bloody draining. and as per all things indonesians, i start early, rush rush rush and then wait… and the participants will take their time to arrive, and even then, they will dilly dally… all things will be well once the program starts. and after an hour or so, they will ask for tea break. and once the break starts, they will disappear. and despite it being only a 15min tea break, by the time the next lesson starts, it would be 45min later. well, that is the culture. you cannot change it regardless of how hard you try. on my part, i have learned from my previous experience. to conduct training in indonesia, despite keeping to your learning outcomes, you over-plan, yet use the minimal (about 30-40% of the materials) and leave a lot of time free to cater to contingencies, such as participant's disappearance. not very productive, but that is the way things are. one cannot expect too much.

anyway, i was there for 2 days. i had to conduct different programs for both days and with different participants. and i have reminded the co-ordinator time and again to remind all participants to be present. and despite all the reminders and promises… on the first day, i was told to expect 25 pax. 17 turned up in the end. hmmm, not too bad i guess. on the second day, it was more challenging. the activities had to be preplanned and i had to organize the class into groups, each group based on very specific individual profiles. and i had expected 28 pax. the day before, the co-ordinator told me 22 pax would be there. and so, i had to change all the groupings the day before. on that day itself, 16 turned up, and i had to scramble and change the groupings. and by the time the lesson began, only 12 pax were present. arghhhh… 

by the time the day ended, i was totally drained. and before i left, the co-ordinator asked me to return for another round of training in dec. and again in jan… haiz!

i am just happy the week had ended.

vertically challenged

i recalled a blogger friend referring himself as vertically challenged. perhaps when compared to his peers he is not as tall, but to be really vertically challenged, i can imagine someone standing up and facing the groin of another person. and i saw someone like that this morning. here's the story...

from afar, i thought it was a guy and his daughter. but it was weird to see someone bring his daughter to the business park on a monday morning. and when they got closer i realized they were colleagues. the "girl" turned out to be a lady who's eye was at the height of the guy's belly button and even more interesting, she was wearing 3-inch high heels.

no, i am not laughing at her. but i do think about all the practical issues and challenges she would face everywhere.

very challenging!

ps: the guy's not exceptionally tall, just a normal 1.7-ish height.

weather talk

i never like weather talk. it's superficial and to me, very stressful...

earlier this week as i was heading to office, i chanced upon a colleague at the lift landing. he worked on the upper floor and other than knowing each other's existence, we have never spoken to each other. and so i thought i'd be nice and greeted him. he acknowledged similarly and there was a momentary silence. before i could start a conversation, he said "oh, the weather these days are very hot." wow! what a statement! how would he expect me to respond to such a statement! and so i went "yup, very hot indeed." and then there was a momentary silence again. and as i was just about to feel awkward again, he continued "last week, the weather very wet. lots of thunderstorm." once again, i was like wtf, here he goes again!. anyway, i answered "yup, very wet indeed". and this time round, he did not pause, and he continued "and today, very warm"...

wtf! i was so thankful i reached my floor by then.

lol!

growing up lessons

my growing up and maturing journey has been most humbling. there were a few key lessons learned and they include...

• do not judge too fast. or for that matter, do not judge at all.
• everyone has their story.
• listen.
• be objective, not emotional.
• slow down, live in the present.
• be appreciative.
• don't compare.
• be humble.
• accept that there are things i do not know.
• be compassionate.
• respect others.
• give others the benefit of doubt (which is related to the first point).
• ...

and so with age, it is not that i am not idealistic anymore, but i have learnt that my ideals is just what it is - mine. i need to accept that there are other ways of framing things and that there are logic that i do not know, or may never know. anyway... just thought i'd write what comes to mind cos i have been receiving quite a bit of emails lately from young friends with tensions...

disrespectful person

i seldom confront people. but when i see behaviors that are unacceptable, i will do so, especially when it involves a young person who was disrespectful. and that was exactly what i did today.

you see, i was wheeling my mum along the cold storage (a local supermarket chain) food aisle when i came the junction where two aisles meet. and it so happened that at that moment, an auntie was there and she came face-to-face with a young girl. before going on, let me describe this girl. she looked probably 20 years of age. seemed well-educated. dressed like she had just returned from school. for on her right hand, she had an iphone and some files. and on her left hand, a grocery basket. overall, she looked like a typical uni-student, bright, young and perhaps come from a well-to-do family.

ok, back to the incident. the girl and the auntie were in each other's way and the first thing the girl did was to make that "tserk" sound, and gave the auntie a wtf flustered look, like as though the auntie had offended her big time. as for the auntie, she tried to make space for the girl by taking a step to the left and it so happened that the girl took a step to the right. so... again, the girl gave that auntie an evil wtf look. the auntie decided to move backwards and gave way to the girl. the girl look one helluva unhappy, made an immediate left turn. she did not even thanked the auntie for making way for her! and guessed what? when she did that, she came to face me.

and she gave me that wtf look too! i was annoyed by her behavior! but i kept quiet, she must have had a bad day, i thought. and as she walked passed me, she turned and stared at me. and once again gave me the wtf look. that did it for me. don't mess with me this way. i did not do anything to warrant such stares from you! and i did not hesitate to ask her, very firmly, "is there a problem?" she must have been taken aback by my question. her wtf face immediately disappeared and she quickly replied "oh, no, no..." and with that, she quickly walked off.

what a rude girl. regardless of how well-to-do, well-educated you are, you are doomed to failure character-wise if you cannot behave yourself and conduct yourself well.

i feel sad for her.

young detective dee: rise of the sea dragon

went for the show young detective dee: rise of the sea dragon with bee last saturday. after reading the bad reviews, i had expected a lot less. and a few thoughts rushed through me as i watched the show, and they were...

(1) wah! such lousy animation/ computer effects, (2) the guys are really cute, and i especially like lin gengxin (he also starred in the tv serial 步步惊心), of cos, mark chao was not too bad too, (3) wow! there was a horse that could swim underwater, crazy! (4) alamak, how come there's a disease that can turn a man into a sea monster, and somemore he looked like some creature from the marsh! (5) and woooohhh, such a huge stingray. would not have a chance to grow to that size if sambal stingray had been invented back then... and of cos, it always make me very excited to see old china being created on screen... regardless of dynasty.

haha! despite all these, i thought it was a good show! good storyline, great plot! and competent acting by the team of actors.

enjoyed it!

i worry

through my online presence, i got to know quite a few people, young people for that matter. most of them can pass off as my son by age. but then again, becos of the circumstances that we got to know each other, we became friends. kinda interesting right? especially so when they are about the same age as my nieces, and i can imagine how awkward it would be if they were around in the presence of my nieces. one will see and address me as uncle, and another would talk to me like a friend and address me by my name. ha!

admittedly, through the interactions, i was constantly conscious of our age gap and tried my very best to talk to them as equals. it is not good to be perceived as condescending for that is not me. on the other hand, i do at times feel a little impatient when i came faced with views that i felt is a tat too immature and naive. and i do remind myself to hold myself back and ask them to reflect. truth be told, i have had my fair share of naive past and i have learned and grown up from them. i supposed age has an effect. i do not consider myself to be a know-all but i perhaps can better appreciate the phrase "wisdom comes with age" now. i am a little more experienced and perhaps have seen and learn to understand that in life, it is perhaps useful to see things less from a self-centric point of view. and that there will always be things that are not perfect. and it is not that i have compromised my ideals, but rather, i have come to accept that we cannot expect things to change so quickly, and that our ideals are not necessarily the ideals shared by many.

in many instances, when i interacted with these young friends, their views come across as idealistic and a tat immature. yet from a certain perspective, the idealistic nature reflects the date to dream, and that is good. but i also feel pretty perturbed too. perturbed for that fact that i see an increasing trend of people who are pretty frustrated, very pent up. somehow, their correspondences are always so full of angst. i also noted a tendency to see them viewing matters from a me-vs-them point of view. well, there is nothing wrong with this per se, but when this perspective make them feel very bitter and start to blame everything on the government and society at large without first thinking about things more critically, i get a little worried. these me-first mentally is the very start of the failing/ collapse of the society. it is scary. and the things i hear being complained about include policies related to education, national service, immigration, foreign human resources, etc.

it is very regretful and very disheartening. i could only urge more reflection and to try to understand the logic. but certainly, the silver lining out of these ventings is the fact that they are passionate about being singaporean. much as i do not wish to compare, i do not recall my peers and myself being so bitter about society when we were younger. we were not necessarily more accepting nor superficial and we do challenge policies, but in the end, despite our disagreements, we accept. and most importantly, we stand behind the policy makers and we support the policies. we understood that in any policies, there will be trade offs. that no policies will ever be 100% perfect. and we learn to accept policies as long as they are good for the society, and the country, even if we were to be disadvantaged. and certainly, we do not complain nor bitch it to death. i certainly wish our younger generation can do so too. and certainly, it would be ideal if they can learn to be less emotional and a lot more reflective, objective and constructive.

i worry that we now have a new generation of people who have lost the connection with the society, and the trust with the policy makers. worst of all, i hope the tendency to see things from a self-centric point of view does not suggest a more fundamental problem of greed and jealousy taking roots in the society. or has it?