again...

well, my mum is at it again. for whatever reasons, i woke up today and she gave me a very unhappy look and insisted she did not want breakfast. and them she went to pack her stuff and said she wanted to visit my brother. said she'll take a cab herself. took me a while to convince her to have me drive her there. and at my brother's place, again, she refused food and said she had prayed to god and that she is now on full day vegetarian diet. and she added that she wants to stay in the temple and that she has had a bad life and people around her are ill-treating her... 

well, you get the idea. let's see what happens later. hopefully, she can calm down and go home. else, it's gonna be an interesting day...

pandas

i love pandas!

i was so happy when they announced that we would be getting 2 of them here sometime back and even joined in the contest to name them. but the wait was long and the novelty wore off. but on the built up to the 6 sep, i started to feel really excited again. finally! when they touched down on sep 6, i found myself watching the live streaming of the plane landing with kai kai and jia jia inside. felt so good. felt so proud. rather overwhelmed in fact. overwhelmed for the fact that as a small little red dot, we have punched above our weight internationally to be able to have our own pandas (on loan regardless due to endangered status of the pandas that prevents china from giving away pandas), and can hold ourselves up high as we stand alongside the red giant.

well, on a lighter side, i have always been well-known for my eye bags. in fact, my staff have gotten so used to it that it had become my trademark. the size of my eye bags can be described as big, bigger or biggest, depending on how stress i get! lol... and at one time when i joked about removing my eye bags (actually i was quite serious 'cept that they did not know about it!), one staff told me, sir, don't, don't. you actually look quite cute with your eye bags... damned! coming from a straight guy, i was sure his judgment was all screwed. and recently, i told them - aiyoh, we spend a million for each panda for 10 years, quite expensive... why not just have me, xin xin (my chinese name), singapore's very own panda, foc. then again, better not. certainly not keen to have myself being put through some breeding program... 

heh heh...

ps: and oh, just realized tomorrow is kai kai's birthday! happy birthday kai kai aka onion head (pic above)!

first picture from straitstimes online
second picture from http://www.capitalandinside.com/index.php/panda-journey/1167-panda-ring-to-special-needs
third picture from river safari facebook page http://www.facebook.com/wrs.sg

the kitten

i read the post by aiden about a little kitten and how he couldn't find it after leaving it for a while. and i decided to write a comment about the kitten being possibly devoured by some cruel cats... heh heh... and as to be expected, it upset aiden... he is such a compassionate soul with such tender and loving heart for cute young things (men included!) haha... anyway, he sent me some smses this morning and asked why i was so mean... heh heh... 

but oh, the reason why i blog this entry is becos this whole episode about kittens reminded me of one regretful incident back in 1993 (or 1994?)... anyway, this was what happened. at that time, i was posted to bukit gombak and i would go for runs almost every evening. it also happened that one of my colleague, who was a commando, also loved to run and would join me for my runs. and this friend, just like all commandos i know, was a little salah in his head...

one evening, we decided to run at east coast park. and to avoid having to u-turn and run back the same track, what we planned was for me to park my car at one end of east coast, and we would then jump onto his car and he would drive all the way to the other end of east coast. this was with the intention to then run back to my car and that i would drive us both back to his car (make sense?)... don't ask me why, but that was how crazy we were about running... anyway, that was what we did. 

by the time i parked my car and he started driving, it was already 7-plus... the sky was getting dark. and as he drove, we talked and laughed. and to get to the other end of east coast park fast, he decided to take the east coast parkway (expressway) and exited at marine parade road. as he exit (at a speed of about 80-90km/hr), a kitten dashed out of the bushes onto the road. and once it dashed, it turned its head and saw our car coming, our headlights shining right into its eyes. and it froze right there in the middle of the road. the kitten was so small, but for that moment, its wide eyes and slit pupil was all i saw. and in the split second, the whole world came to a stand still. all sounds disappeared. it was just pure silence. and next thing i knew, the kitten's face disappear and i heard a cr-r-r-r-ack sound... 

my friend ran over the kitten. 

it was crushed under the wheels of the car... i was totally horrified. slowly, i came to my senses and my friend's chatter and laughter came back into focus. i asked if he realized what he just did... and jokingly, he said he did and that the kitten had dirtied his car... what the... it took me a while to recover. but that face of the kitten before it was crushed haunted me for quite a while... and frankly till this day, i still remembered that look of fear.

"to the resident"

i don't know why people bother to do this... but whenever i receive any letters in my letter box addressed to "the resident", i throw it away. to me, everyone named "the resident" lives in the dustbin and since it is addressed to "the resident", the letter must have been mistakenly send to me!

jeeee... 

the "commitment" to deny me my sexuality

this post is a continuation of what i wrote sometime back about my being outed by the armed forces in 2005. in this post, i focus on what happened after my interrogation... read on...

after that fateful full-day interrogation, many things changed... for a start, i felt totally different. somehow, it was a great sense of relief. yet on the other hand, there was a sense of uncertainty. i was sure major changes would unfold in the days to come. but for that moment, i just wanted to head home and sleep. as arranged, i would be required to head back to the security department to make my "commitments"... and that we agreed would occur the following week after my trip to bkk with bee.

fast forward to after my bkk trip. i was back in that security department again. i was asked to write a commitment. and becos of my conversation with "d", i had expected what they would want me to commit myself to. and so, even before the whole conversation started, i told them i would observe the necessary restrictions that they hoped i would commit myself to, within reasonable limits. for a start, they wanted me to stop any communications with all, yes, all my gay friends. i was to stop all contacts and relationships with anyone gay. i refused to. to do so would isolate me and kill me. to do so would turn my into a robot. i negotiated. i asked them how they would feel if they were to be asked to stop contacting any of their friends, their relatives and their family. i supposed it hit mr. yee. he agreed that i could continue and that they would not press me to do so. the conversation lasted half a day (?), i agreed in the end to the following commitments "voluntarily", which were put into writing. the main gist of this commitment were that the measures were to limit my exposure to the gay scene and to ensure the department is kept in the loop of my whereabouts when i leave the country. in another words, the commitments were meant to restrict me and to make me behave "responsibly" in their words... some of the commitments were:

• i would not put any of my photos in any gay websites, social media and any other websites that would compromise my identity as a gay regular serviceman
• i would not visit any places (sauna, clubs, bars, etc) that gay men frequent, regardless of whether these places are local or overseas
• whenever i head overseas, i would keep them posted of where i go to, and who i go with

mr. yee read what i wrote and in a show of understanding, he asked that i insert the words "as long as i were in service" to my commitments. i thought that was nice of him. again he said he could only help me that much and that he was only doing what he was supposed to do. he also explained that they were doing that as the gay men are pushing the limit "too much" for the organization's comfort. i understood. don't kill the pigeon, he is only a messenger. the issue is the organisation. anyway, i was told that i should keep all that had happened in the last 2 weeks (the call, the interrogation, etc) a secret and that i should not talk to anyone about it. i told him i couldn't do it for i had already told many of my friends. he was shocked but there was nothing he could do about it. mr. yee also assured me that he (or they) would support my desire to stay in service until i retire in 3-plus years' time. nonetheless, mr. yee highlighted that i could expect some downstream actions to be done. for a start, my masters programmes would be revoked, and that my security clearance would be immediately removed. i would also be posted out of my position to somewhere non-classified. and to end the conversation, i was given another warning - that i would be hauled back to the department for further questioning (read - interrogation) and to be put through the polygraph (aka lie detector) tests, if any areas in my statements were found to be any less than 100% truthful, or if i were to be found not to have observed my commitments.

with this negotiated stand, i signed the commitments. and with my signature, i had lost my freedom to be a gay person.

i was arranged to talk to the security department's dy director subsequently. i couldn't recall much of the conversation. but i knew i was a lot more stable and more composed of myself by then. thinking back, i remembered sounding a little defiant when i spoke with him. if i recalled correctly, part of the conversation revolved around the need to maintain security and safeguard the organization, about the need to be pre-emptive and not allow what happened to the education ministry happen to the armed forces (that was the period where a few teachers were found guilty of molesting boys), that as a national institution, they could not risk jolting parent's confidence if they were to find out that their sons in national service were interacting with or worst, led by gay officers. one more point was added (i couldn't recall if the dy director or mr. yee told me this), that the systematic witch hunt started late-2004 after the authorities banned the fridae-organized snowball and that a military themed party organized that made them very very uncomfortable. they felt it had gone too far and that it would undermine mindef's position if nothing was done. to me, all these did not make sense. and for those parts that i could understand, i could not accept. at one part of the conversation, i recalled asking him how he would view a person who has a wife, and children, and one day, cheated on his wife by having affairs outside. i asked if he would probably pass it off as normal and that what i described was nothing short of what normal tv soap operas would show. he nodded. and i added, what if the person in question and his wife were both men? i asked if his perception of this whole episode had changed? and before he could answer, i iterated that this change in perception was not becos of any moral judgment on the man's infidelity but rather the fact that the characters involved were homosexuals... that this whole treatment to gay service persons was nothing more than homophobia? 

nonetheless, the conversation did not last very long. whatever they need to put me through, they had done so. and my fate had been sealed. frankly, when i look back, a lot of things seemed a blur to me now... i supposed my spiral into depression, the onset of my epilepsy, and the many other happenings after this whole episode significantly affected my memory... but well, i do recall the major occurrences. and my blogging did helped me recall quite a few of the things that happened.

i served my commitments and some three and a half years later, left the military. that, in a huge way, was my resurrection as a gay person, that for the first time in my life, i was able to do what i want without having to inform them about what i did...

ppt poisoning

saw this in the net and thought it was really funny. more importantly, i thought i brought out an important point - use slides to help you bring across a message, don't let the slide be the message by itself. and so, i forwarded it to all my trainers. they need to sharpen on this part of their training skill...

picture from http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2000-08-16/

bbq-ed

was a superbly busy day for me yesterday. non-stop activities since breakfast... marketing, cleaning ingredients, preparing food,  cleaning the house, brought my mum to visit my brother's place before finally  putting the bbq together. haha... by the time my friends arrived, i was already dead. anyway, i had organized a bbq to celebrate the birthdays of a couple of my uni friends. great to see them catching up and hearing their laughters. as for me... haha... i was too shagged out to talk during the bbq. was i was also busy running up and down to check on my mum... 

(germs, if only you were here!)

new pen-pals

i posted a link of this blog in a local gay forum website and surprisingly, i got 2 persons writing to me asking to share further. well, since then, we have exchanged a couple of mails. and i must say, one of them is more than half my age and the other in his early 30s. and common to both are that they are in the early stages of accepting their sexuality. that is an interesting and sometimes rather difficult period for most of us. and it is certainly very nice to be able to share my perspectives with them. 

glad to have made 2 new friends.

:-)

character check

i got a call from the headhunter mid-week. this is less than a week after my second interview. hi, i have good news for you she said. the company has decided to invite you for an interview with the top man... but before we proceed, we need to sort out the details of your information and history, and we need to do a thorough character check on you. can you confirm that the names listed in your application forms are correct? we will be calling them (my boss and my subordinate) to do a check on you soon....

oops... i thought. worried, i felt. technically, i have not told them i have tendered. and so, the company that interviewed me did not know about it... so, i decided to tell the headhunter and the advice was - no worries. as long as your reasons for tendering is legitimate and that your boss, during the check, did not say anything negative about you, then it is ok. hmmm... ok to cut the long story short, the character reference checks all went well. according to the headhunter, my boss did not say anything negative. and my subordinate also gave quite a good account of my strengths... (and of cos when asked about my weaknesses, he said my strengths are also my weaknesses.... i leave it to them to interpret...).

so, let's hope the interview with the top man materialize and that i do not face any hurdles...

uncle & auntie @ hawker center

yesterday, as i wheeled my mum towards the hawker center for breakfast, i noted that the usual table for handicapped persons was not occupied by the usual sam ku lok por. quite a refreshing change actually. instead, it was occupied by an elderly uncle and a slightly younger auntie. as i arrived, i stopped and looked around for a table. and clearly, uncle and auntie must have felt awkward to be seated at a table reserved for handicapped. uncle then called out to me and tell me in fluent english... there are a few tables for handicapped persons at the other end of the hawker... i nodded, smiled and continued to look around. in my mind, i was thinking it would have been more straight forward for him to give up the table! (considering he was only drinking coffee)... anyway, from his few words, i thought uncle must be peranakan. i smiled. and uncle repeated his sentence. i said i am buying coffee from that stall... and decided to get my mum to move out of the wheelchair to sit with a family on a table beside the uncle and auntie... this is where things get interesting...

auntie then started talking in hokkien, not the peranakan hokkien (as i had assumed after uncle spoke english) but instead "ah-lian" hokkien... auntie gave a running commentary of everything i did! oh, the son is helping the mother sit on the normal chair, oh, the son is holding his mother's hand, oh, the mother can actually stand up... na, na, na, you see, the wheelchair can be folded, and ya, the mother is seated at the table,... and she went on and on.... even after i bought the you char kuih and broke it into pieces for mum... auntie just went on and on... see, the son is now getting the you char kuih for the mother... wah ranz... i am literally hearing my life story being narrated as i live my life lor...

lol...

is this what people will become when they get to that age? i hope i don't...

hawker center

i bring my mum to the same hawker center on weekends weekly. and as she's wheel chair bounded, we would sit at the corner of the hawker center. and that is where the handicap tables are. well, bad english, no, not that the tables are handicapped, i am referring to tables for handicap persons. these are tables that do not come with chairs and that it is located right at the corner of the hawker center so that it is easily accessible by handicapped persons on wheelchair. well, this is where it's interesting... 

in my many many times there, i have never been able to get that table for my mum. and the reason is this - because it is located at the corner and it is next to a coffee stall, it became the favourite site for all the sum ku lok por and the uncles who join in the usual morning gossip sessions... well, of cos, these days, the sum ku lok por are no longer the ah mas of the old days... they are largely aunties in their 40s-50s and they would yak in a mix of hokkien, teochew, sometimes cantonese and a splatter of bad broken english... and their conversation would revolve around who's who marry who's who, whose children dating who, and of cos, their favourite topic - 4d, horse racing, toto, and everything and anything related to gambling... 

interesting bunch of people!

kenah cruised

yesterday, i had lunch at toa payoh... and i kenah cruised... by a woman! doh! second time in my life that i actually see a woman so openly cruising a guy. and from my perspective, it felt so wrong. and worst still,  this woman is one helluva ugly (sorry but i do admit i sound mean here)...

am i supposed to be happy or sad?

lol!

being "interviewed" by msd

i was interrogated by the military security department for being gay in may 2005. read on...

during the call, i was asked to go for the "interview" 2 days later. as arranged, i was to report to the department at 8.30am. i arrived early. and nervously, i made my way up to the office. 5th floor, i reminded myself. when the lift opened, i was faced with a glass door. press the door-bell and wait for a response i recalled the lady remind me. i did exactly that and waited. and soon enough a staff appeared and led me through a cold dead-looking corridor. and i was shown to a small equally cold feeling room. i was asked to take a seat while i await from my "interviewers". the room was simply furnished. a table with a desktop, and 2 chairs facing me. that was it. and in my rather nervous state of being, i felt cold. i felt isolated. i imagined "d" going through this and i could imagine how nervous he had felt. not long after, 2 guys appeared.

a large cream colored 3-4" thick file with a red "x" crossed over the file cover diagonally was slammed onto the table in front of me. on the file was my name. intimidating tactic, i thought. still standing, they looked down on me and one of them introduced himself (let's call him mr. y) and his partner. and he went on to say "my rank & name, you know why we asked you here? it is in your interest to be truthful to us, for if you are not, there would be consequences that you would have to face...". well, of cos that was not the exact words used, but that was the gist of his message. it was quite intimidating frankly, but i refused to show any nervousness. much as i had hope it was not an "outing" session, his words and high handed tone told me this was it. well, i had done nothing wrong and there's nothing i should be afraid of. i am what i am and i am proud of what mother nature had bestowed onto me and the last thing i wanted to do was to be afraid to face up to someone who now questions me and my sexuality. and so confidently i answered. "yes, and if you are asking if i am homosexual, yes i am" i said.

he was caught off-guard by my immediate admission. and sensing my willingness to co-operate with their interrogation, mr. y's tone relaxed. and that was how the so called "interview" started. it was done verbally and lasted over 4 hours. mr. y did most of the questioning while his partner, who was more junior, looked on. the interview covered everything about me, my sexuality, and my life as a gay man. reflecting, i could segment the interrogation into 3 parts.

the first part was about me and my whole history of my personal life as a gay person. the questions asked ranged from from how i found out about my sexuality, my coming out process, how i experimented with gay sex, how many sex partners i had, whether i am top or bottom, and so on. where did you pick people up? where did you have sex? did you have sex at the swimming pool? did you have sex in your car, did you... the questions came. fast and furious. and i remembered vividly this particular question: how many persons did you have sex with? i paused. what a question, i thought! who in the right frame of mind keep track of people they had sex with!? and he added, ok, i shall put more than 20, although i know it was more. i thought this response was uncalled for. anyway, the questioning went on to also cover details of james and bee. by then, it was clear to me they had done all their homework, that they had monitored my life (as well as james and bee) and knew where they stayed, our daily routines, where we worked and so on... and from what mr. y said of the examples of what we do as a routine, it was very clear that the information dug up was very fresh and very recent. and then mr. y went on to ask me to say out their names explicitly so that they can affirm what i said to be true. 

the second part was about me as a gay military person, or more specifically, my behaviour in camp. questions asked ranged from whether i had preyed on boys in camp, whether i could ever be professional in my course of duty (in view of all the young boys around me), etc etc etc. through this part of the interrogation, there were quite a few threats thrown at me. did you have sex with gay men when you were deployed overseas? did you go to porn shops? did you tell people you were working with the military when you meet them? are you very sure you are telling the truth? if at any one time we find you are not speaking the truth, we will not hesitate to put you through the polygraph test. do you still stand by what you said? and to them, the proof of my being unprofessional was the fact that i had placed my photo in fridae (for a short period of time), that i had dated james while i was in service, and so on. while i admit i had done what they said, i vehemently disagree to their accusations of "preying" and doing what i did with the intent of compromising the security of the organization. it was very upsetting to be asked such questions that threw doubts onto my professional conduct. if anything, i had made much efforts to segregate my personal self vs my professional self. and i had spend more than a third of my life in the armed forces with no negative records. 

as for the third part, it was pure witch-hunting. you are only one of the many gay persons we have on our records, specially, the words "tip of the iceberg" was used. we will be calling them up one by one. we hope you can co-operate with me and tell us who your gay friends are in the service. they kept going on at it. i refused to. it was not right. you want to interrogate me, you want to expose me, please do so. but do not make me tell you things about my friends. i will not do so, i will not compromise my position even if you tell me it was my friends that had exposed me. (i later found that they had told others whom they called up that i had sabotaged them...)

if i were talking to a gay person sharing about my past, it would probably come naturally. but considering these were asked to me in a super clinical environment and by 2 guys (straight i was sure), who could possibly be homophobic, it felt superbly wrong, discriminating and absolutely humiliating. but after a while, it was not difficult. i supposed when one gets sufficiently humiliated, one will hit a threshold where there is no more sense of self. i was there and i just answered whatever they asked to the best of my knowledge. the principles i upheld through the 4-hour long interrogation were (1) speak the truth, honesty is the best policy, and what i say will be accurate, and consistent, no one will be able to find fault when i speak the truth (2) do not compromise other people's identity and put them or their jobs at risk. and i left the rest to fate. que sera sera.

after the interrogation, i was given another surprise. just when i thought i was done, mr. y told me that i had to now put what i had said the whole morning into writing. he switched on the desktop and asked me to write a statement. i was a little pissed off frankly. i was already feeling somewhat drained and now had to go through the whole process of writing what i had told them the whole morning. i didn't have a choice but i indirectly told them off - come on, through the whole morning, you have asked so many things and i am very sure you would have filmed and possibly recorded when i said. so why don't you just transcribed all the you have recorded and make it as proof and record of my statement? mr. y and his partner looked surprised and was somewhat taken aback by my response. nonetheless, he just smiled and said i had to do it. well... i spend the rest of the afternoon typing everything down. if i recalled correctly, it was an 8-page statement (or was it 10?), less the few additional pages of q&a. of cos, while they left me to write my statement alone, they did at least make sure i got my lunch. rice with stewed chicken and egg, i remembered.

close to the end of the day, the mr. y came back. he went through quickly what i typed. this time round, he sounded really very nice and very understanding. he said he understood the difficulty i had gone through but he had to do what he did. he had no choice cos that was his work. finally, to close the interrogation, he told me that they had to put me through this to be fair to me (ya rite!). that i had just obtained my masters sponsorship and that if i were to proceed to attend the programme and get bonded, it would be difficult for me... and to protect the organization and to protect me (?), they wanted me to agree to write a commitment of sorts to ensure i "behave responsibly". and they would like me to visit the office again soonest possible to write the commitment. i told them i had planned for a short-getaway to bkk with bee. they did not sound too happy. i supposed this would compromise the so called recency effect of psychological shock to a person immediately after being interrogated for accordingly, when a person is still in shock, he or she would be most likely to sign or to commit to anything required of them. but they had no choice, they could not possibly change my travel plans and agreed to have the commitment writing done the following week. and at the same time, considering my seniority, they would also arrange for me to be interviewed by their deputy director...

i felt totally drained after the interrogation. but in a way, i felt a sense of release. i am now officially recognized as a gay person...

next the "commitment" to deny me my sexuality...

picture from https://4minutewriter.wordpress.com

sep 12

omg! it's sep 12 already! 8 months had passed!

not sure about you, but for me, time passed so so bloody slowly when i was a kid. chinese new years seemed to take forever to arrive... and now as an adult, time seemed to rush by. 

haiz...

feel good factor 2

the lesson at the university went very smoothly. superbly well in fact.

but it started off with a little shock. when i arrived, my lecturer told me he had collapsed 2 classes into one for my lesson and thus i had a larger than expected class size. it was rather unnerving when i learned of it. but what unnerved me more was the fact that the lecturers of both classes decided to sit in and listen through my lesson! to get such news before a lesson was indeed very destabilizing. and the fact that both taught me before, and one of them had the reputation of being very strict and no-nonsense, made me rather uneasy. but thankfully, things went well. and despite being the first time, the rapport betwwen the students and i was good. everyone warmed up to each other very quickly. and by the second half of the lesson, the atmosphere was rather good and lively. questions were fast and furious. and exchanges of thoughts were deep and engaging. 

i enjoyed myself frankly.

:-)

ps: and at the end of the lesson, both lecturers told me they would like me to teach more modules... arghhh... heh heh... ok ok, positive thinking, opportunities to earn some extra cash! lol!

feel good factor

well, the second interview went well. very well i thought... and the "after-the-interview" feel good factor was high. the person who interviewed me started talking using the term, "us" (as in you and i) as opposed to just "you" towards the end of the interview. but well, reality set in when he said that he will be interviewing another candidate before making the final decision, although he added quickly that he would want his hr to keep very close contact with me. so, kinda mixed signal if you ask. hmmm... then again, the thing about interviews with top management people is that they always make people feel good. then when it comes to decision making, the objectivity factor sets in and the outcome may not necessarily in your favour... so... yup, no expectations, no disappointments... 

just be happy i got this far. 

:-)

my ex-colleagues

i met up with a ex-colleague who was given the sack last month. been a while and thought it's probably a good time to catch up. it was a good meet up. although she was with the company for only 6 months, i worked closely with her and whenever i could, coached her in her area of work. that was why when she was given the sack (by her boss), i felt uneasy. well, what's passed is past. just let things be. but certainly, the exchange of thoughts and reflections of what we went through was kinda enlightening. and it was also good that we kept in touch. and despite being in the same line of work, we are technically both looking for similar jobs... and so, keeping in touch and sharing notes certainly help in our job search!

on a larger scale, it seemed that many of my colleagues who had left (or given the sack) all seemed to be keeping in touch and forming a very loose ex-company network. and if i may add, a very anti-"my current company" network. interesting. one even called me up and offered me a job to be her boss (well, so now you know i am in half a hr-line, haha). and considering she was previously from my company, she knew all about my details, pay etc and even went as far as to tell me how to shape my cv, how much she (or her current company) can offer me, yadda yadda yadda... powers of the hr-network! only issue is, i have to decide if i want to work for her company... you know, a friend and a boss-staff relationship can be very different... so...

:-)

2nd interview

haha... i got a call yesterday. kinda rush, the headhunter said. but the dy top boss of the company wants to meet up with you and have a chit chat, she added... and she said, after the first interview, the hiring manager thought your corporate experience is a little short, but she's very impressed by your energy-level. so, they have asked if you can come down thursday....

wah! i was just about to consider not thinking about it and assuming they are done with me... heh heh... well, well... but again, no expectations. just be happy and go with the flow... if they accept, well and good, very good. and if they don't, life goes on. 

be happy. take the opportunity to have a break.

:-)

teaching tomorrow

haha... time flies. without realizing it, i will be going to the university to teach tomorrow. ahhhh... have not fully prepared my lesson. have to add oil tonight... no time no time. such is the self-torture i have to undergo for being a last minute person... hmmm, not very me. usually, i am a very systematic and organized person who'd plan, and work out details to the 9s way ahead. but well, i supposed, i am rather prepared mentally and thus am quite confident about the lesson...

heh heh...

time to start work... ok, let me first do some more blogging, then take a shower, then relax a bit... then bring my doggie to do her end-of-the-day big business, then start work... and oh no, need to do some research too... for my lesson and... haha... will blog about this one more thing! my second interview!

happiness!

:-)

mid-week

yup, it's mid-week. or more accurately, end of mid-week. and man... what a terribly hectic wednesday it had been! rush from point-to-point. went to work early, hosted a visit till noon, did a hour plus long presentation to the visitors... went for a long lunch to catch up with an ex-colleague (who was sacked), and then rushed back and a whole afternoon of briefing. non-stop rush from one activity to next... whew! no time to catch up with my work till end of the day! am so glad i am home now....

ok, time to catch with with my own work...

it's good to feel alive again!

:-)

sicko

been terribly sick for the past 3 days... super fever on sunday (i believed it was over 42 degrees...) and had to whack quite a bit of panadol and slept my way through between meal and pee periods. on monday, at the clinic, my temperature was 38.5 degrees. been on mc for these 2 days and will head back to work tomorrow... lots of stuff to do and catch up. also, need to complete my lesson preparations before my lesson on thursday!

supposed my fever and super bad throat came about after my bbq on friday night and the raya cookies that i ate last couple of days... this time round, damned difficult. was down with fever, chills and whole body feeling like jelly and mum started her nonsense with me... she also said she's sick (although she looked perfectly fine to me) and then refused to eat anything if my sis were to buy... in the end, i had to drag myself out of bed and bring her out for breakfast, and for lunch and dinners head out to pack her her meals... as for me, couldn't really eat cos every mouthful of food made me feel like puking. otherwise, i was literally dead in bed throughout the whole sunday and monday... more than 30-over hours of non-stop sleep.

and finally yesterday, managed to bring her and myself to the doctor.

thank goodness the medication helped...

post script: i just realized i had typed the title "sicko". quite a misnomer as i see it. "sicko" refers to something disgusting and not about sickness. i guessed when i was typing it, my finger typed too fast and i might have hit the "o" button too fast... ... ... hmmm... or was i mobile blogging? hmmm... can't recall. anyway, it should read "sick"... heh!

horror movie

when i send this to my sis, she said it's worst that anything she could imagine,
and worst still considering this is the 7th month...

hmmm...

sunrise

my favourite...
singapore sling @ marina mandarin
with great company

:-)

first real break after so so so long!

ps: just in case you are wondering why the title is sunrise... well, i used to drink nothing but tequila sunrise. and so instinctively when i post a picture to my blog, i type sunrise instead... lol!

yes yes yes

ok, to balance off my earlier post on "no no no", i should write something about "yes yes yes"... and i will keep it simple and reflective...

why do people, at the thresholds of orgasm, scream out "yes! yes! yes!"

(or at least that is what most porns depict people to do...)

hmmm...

picture from http://southern4life.blogspot.sg/2011/12/question-of-day-gay-sex-edition.html

no no no

cannot let depression set in now. a mentally sick person can be very difficult and very illogical. i must stop imagining things are worst than they really are, they are not. i must convince myself that everything happens for a reason, there are lessons for me to learn. let go of my angst, and my ego. know, just know. be compassionate, and forgiving. be focused, and aware. most importantly... 

be happy, or at least, try to... only then can i keep depression at bay.

picture from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angst

cruised

today, someone cruised me...

ya no big deal you would say. but really, for a 45-going-46 year old angker. getting cruised in broad daylight by someone younger is something i will never ever thought possible. but well... it happened. and of all places, it occurred at the hawker center. 

was with mum having you char kuih breakfast at the hawker center near bee's place. as we were about to leave, a guy walked by. 30-plus, fair and lanky, and bespectacled. he was heading to buy some makan. and he saw me and for that brief split second, our eyes met. well, it was that kinda look that any gay person would know straight away - aha gay! well, i kinda did not prolong the eye contact. but i did notice he kept looking towards my direction. and when i turned my head to look at him again, he smiled at me. and as he walked on, he turned his head and he smiled again. hmmm... well, mum and i left. and as i pushed mum to the car park in her wheelchair, mr gay guy came along again. wa... so fast bought the makan already, i thought. this time round, he smiled at me, and then he waved goodbye to me...

hmmm... kinda new experience to me. and admittedly, it is quite flattering.

but well, what the heck.

haha...

picture from http://www.fatburningfurnace.com/blog/banana-nutrition-facts-–-unique-health-benefits-of-bananas

tongue

inspired to write this post after reading jason's reflections on french kissing. but no, i am not going to write about french kissing. rather, i will write about the tongue.  yes, the simple and humble yet freaking amazing piece of muscle in the mouth. there is no other muscle in the body that can be so omnipotent as to be able to create joy, ecstasy, delight, pain, fear, disgust, etc. right? of cos, i do not consider the male anatomy to be referred to as "muscle", and even if it is, to me, it has never created any fear in me!  

and don't underestimate it. despite its relatively small size compared to the whole body, it is the only piece of muscle that provides the person with the sense of taste. i mean, wohhh... amongst the 5 senses, one is totally dedicated to it! definitely does not commensurate with the size right? in fact, it is punching about it's weight (for crying out loud!). but that is not all, it has so much nerve endings that serve to also titillate a person from the sense of touch too. and when orchestrated with other parts of the body such as the hands, legs, and etc, it can elevate a person to heavens! haha... and that was what i wrote in jason's blog about french kissing (adding to malimo's list...)... and all 3 points were about the tongue! heh heh...

1. someone who knows how to manoeuvre his tongue without choking you 
2. someone who knows how to respond to and complement your tongue
3. someone who knows how to use his tongue in unison with his hands, lips, teeth, and body as part of the whole experience of touch/ body contact... 

heh heh... this is such a bo liao post. my tongue-in-cheek (pun fully intended) take on the humble tongue. anyway, just in case you are still wondering... how the hell does the tongue create pain, fear and disgust? here's how - picture a ghost of a person who had died after being hanged. long tongue right? what about the god of hell - long tongue too right? also, what would you do when you tasted something disgusting? you screw up your face and stick out your tongue right? and what did mummy tell you when you tell lies? your tongue gets sliced off right?... and oh, as for pain, just imagine how you feel when you get mouth ulcers... yikes!

well, that's the tongue for you!

life would be so much more boring with it!

:-)

ps: btw, if you are really really really interested, i mean, yes, really really really interested to know more about the tongue, you can ask our medical student aiden, or if not, simply click on this link...

picture from http://manilagayguy.net/wp-content/uploads/2006/10/rafael_rossel.jpg

mum again

mum is starting to cough again. i think the water has gone into her lungs again. and she is behaving cranky quite frequently too. and today, she made me gabra once again when she went to do the laundry and carried the heavy load... in my haste and panic, i raised my voice at her. and she is now avoiding me and telling me she wants to move out of the house...

it's happening again...

salam aidil fitri

to all my muslim friends...

picture from http://vectorise.net/forums/downloads.php?do=file&id=238

perspective - non-self

"whether it is a good day or a bad day, it is still a day. nothing has changed. but what makes it good or bad is your mind." i read something to that effect in a facebook pic posted by a friend of mine this morning as i was drinking my kopi-o and i smiled. yup. it is all in the mind. and then it reminded me of a comment i got from an anonymous person in my post of wild fire this morning. 

that person (i assume it was a "he") commented that from my post, i seemed to "think highly about myself". i must admit that initially, i felt a little disturbed by this comment. disturbed for the fact that i had, in my writings, projected an image that i am a proud person (in a negative way) and perhaps liked to brag about it. to read something like this at 5-ish in the morning was a tat too much for me and it kept me awake for a long while. how should i respond? should i defend myself? should i chide the person? or should i hope that some of my friends who had known me long enough to defend me? some of these thoughts went through my head at that early hour of the morning. i felt disturbed because i have never ever thought of wanting to brag. in fact, that was the last thing on my mind and i was simply journaling what i had experienced. and certainly, bragging is the last thing on my mind. it was just not me to do so. conversely, i do think i have a self-confidence issue. admittedly, deep inside me, i do think i am a very insecure person who lacks confidence in myself. and as a result, i always end up being subjected to a lot of verbal abuse by people around me and/ or people taking me for granted... this is something i am still trying to reconcile after so long...

but i decided ultimately to just brush it (the comment) off. everyone is entitled to his/ her views. and the fact that he shared it with me, i should and must thank that person for telling me about it. i should and must take this as a feedback to make me more conscious about myself. self-consciousness and self-awareness is the start to self-improvement. taking it as an attack is not gonna be useful and i would simply be a victim of self-ego. non-self, i reminded myself. and so back to the fb posting by my friend. yes, a day is a day, it is how you make of it. and in a similar sense, a comment is a comment. it is how i make it to be. and in the case of my blog entry, it is a valuable feedback to remind myself to be more careful about my writings.  

and as i drank my kopi-o, i mentally thanked the person again who made that comment.

well-rested

it's been a superbly long time since i last slept well... and this past week was really wonderful. despite sleeping only 4 hours nightly, my sleep was totally dreamless and i literally slept like a log! anyway, it is almost my norm to automatically wake up at 5am regardless of how late i sleep and to nap again until 6.45am before i finally get up... and i would feel totally refreshed when i wake up!

wild fire

i attended a management workshop today. and well, the news of my resignation has gone round. people were coming up to me to ask why, why so rash, what happened, etc. and interestingly enough, there were also people whom i have never really spoken with other than smile and be nice to, coming up to me and asking me if they could meet up sometime to talk. hmmm, perhaps they themselves are also thinking of resigning! (and yes, there's just that much pent up tensions in the company!)  

well, there is one thing i noticed. and that is - the team that is working for me. on the surface, they seemed ok and morale seemed ok. but when i spoke with the head this evening, she told me that that was not so. in fact, the morale has dipped. and for that matter, she herself is considering leaving the job. sighs. not too nice to know about this, but certainly, i do appreciate their support and that even at this time, they have held their heads high and continue to support me and egg me on. really thank them for it.

cannot find any better staff!

thank you note

been a busy day... so much so until i forgot to send out the thank you email to my interviewers last evening! arghhh... terrible me. but well, i managed to quickly craft individual personalized emails to each of my interviewers and got them emailed out this evening.

whew!

chit chat

well the interview process was very informal. in fact, it was almost a chit chat session... arrived at 4.30pm and by the time i was done, it was 7.15pm. very draining... anyway, i am not sure how the whole thing went. there was no feel good nor feel bad factor. just rather matter of fact... then again, i went with no expectations, so... yup, good experience. and certainly, compared with 2 over years ago, i am certainly very much more prepared to sell myself and talk about my achievements...

:-)

interview

after 2-over years of interviewing people, i will be the one being interviewed tomorrow. the recent few interviews by headhunters no count... tomorrow's interview will be by the company. and i am supposed to sit for a written test that will supposedly last 45min to an hour before being interviewed... feeling a wee bit stressed. but well, will sleep over it... after all, the interview's in the late afternoon...

hmmm...

security guard

my estate recently engaged the services of a new security company and there was a total change of security guards. previously, all of them were malays. and this time round, it was an interesting mix of indians, chinese and malays (and interestingly, the malays are very fair, and i suspect are of arabic descent)... ok, these were not the reasons why i am writing this entry. i wrote this entry becos of a scary experience...

you see, i went out one late evening and returned close to midnight. and i got a little shock when i saw the security guard. imagine this - you drive up to the estate guardroom in the middle of the night, slow down your car as you approach the electronic barrier, the barrier lifts up, and as you are about to drive in, the security guard appears. and of all things, the security guard is an old man, has a head of very very thin ruffled white hair, so thin you can see the scalp, unkempt look complete with loose white strands of beard, and to top it all, he has uneven skin discoloration all over his face (at least michael jackson looked white!... you get the drift)... and he smiles at you... the "weellllcuummmm" (slow motion) kinda smile...

eeeeeeeeeeeee!

derrick

came out to derrick, a friend of mine, earlier. had known him for what? 5 years? may be more. and have never seen him as any different from others. i strongly believe in not-shitting-in-your-own-backyard and  that made me so oblivious to people at work. then again, my gaydar has never been functioning too well, especially at work... heh!

anyway, recently, chatted more with him after chancing upon him again after a short period of no contact. and as we chatted, it become quite clear that he is part of our family, our rainbow kinda family. and i told bee about him. bee took a look at his facebook profile, his pictures and his hobby and told me - aiyah, no need to second guess la. confirmed. double confirmed. well, bee's gaydar is seldom wrong. then again, it didn't matter. a friend, straight or gay, is still a friend.

and today, i decided it was time to come out to him. it felt so natural, and after doing it, felt good. and well, he also felt comfortable enough to come out to me... friends with no secrets is so much more liberating. no further need for all the pretence and false fronts...

cranky mum again

i have technically ran out of adjectives to title my posts when i want to blog about my mum going cranky. and so, i am titling this post "cranky mum again". and at the rate she's turning cranky, i think in time to come, i can possibly end up with a title that sounds like this - "cranky mum again, and again, and again..." lol!

haha... ok, this is the latest twist in events. yesterday i came home to change during the day before heading out for an interview. and i left my laptop at home.  as i drove, i was worried that when mum return from the rehab, she would freak out when she sees my laptop at home (and her mind would go wild about why it is there). and so, i decided to give her a call to tell her so... when i returned that evening, she seemed a little tak center. and then i got a long sms from my sis. apparently when mum came home, she saw the laptop and called my sis. she insisted that i had gone over to bee's place (supposedly to plan to kill her). i asked her about it and she vehemently denied ever calling sis and asking her so... i decided not to pursue further. 

today was a busy day for me. since morning, i was busy with work and mum lied on the sofa whole day. need to settle some work and sent out my resumes too before meeting my sis for dinner (she had planned to buy mum dinner today). and out of no where, she wanted to cook porridge for dinner. and when i questioned her if she was hungry, she (half scream) out and said - "i don't want to eat what the ccb [go figure that this term is, it is crude and not nice] buy later"... hmmm... i queried why she called sis ccb. she kept quiet and just walked to the sofa and lie down again... well, she's behaving weird again... i supposed she's angry that my sis told me what she said yesterday...

lessons learnt - (1) in future, if i come home in the day, i should not leave any tell tale signs. mum's mental capacity is non-existent when it comes to handling anything out of the norm. (2) to just ignore everything she tells my sis...

ps: thankfully, my sis called up and said she need to change the dinner to another day...

he is "dead"

there were so so so many rumours flying around that the old man died on national day eve. first there were rumors going around that he had a fall a few days back, got hospitalized, and then died on national day eve. and then, the news went on that everyone was keeping mum so that the national day parade will go on... cannot announce such news on a day of celebration... well, i supposed when a person is so influential, every little chance a person can or have, to spread rumors, he/ she would do so... and i can imagine how small insignificant news can grow as it spreads and by the time it crosses a few people's hands, the sentence would have been totally distorted and grown out of proportion.

let's see... it can be as simple as (scenario 1) old man had a minor fall, went for a check up at the hospital... and then some one (nurses, doctors, patients, etc there can be so many possibilities) saw, and then text his/ her friend... and the friend mass text his/ her friend, after a few mass smses, it becomes "old man is dead" and then after a few more smses, it will sound like some conspiracy up there to withhold information for fear of... or (scenario 2) old man felt sick, went for a check up, some ministry took out some old plans to review how to do some funeral, and people involved along the line, that although they swear to secrecy, told their spouse, and the sms chain start....

there can be just so many freaking scenarios... bottom line is, you cannot stop people from spreading rumors. what you can do is, parade the old man. and when people see him, they will shut up. and the one who spread all those smses will look damn bloody stupid. 

amicable

well, it was easier than i thought. was called up by my big boss expectedly after i tendered yesterday. he asked me a few questions and the conversation ended. chop chop.

you have contributed quite a bit to the company and i thank you for it. have you found a job or you have made other plans? how long more can we hold you as we look for a replacement? i respect your decision. how many days leave do you have? do complete what you need to complete and we will pay you for your unconsumed leave. have you told your staff? we will leave you to manage your staff. i hope you leave amicably. 

that was it. short and sharp. and throughout the conversation, he did not look me once in my eyes. left, right, up, down... all directions except into my eyes. so much for sincerity. and the last sentence about "amicably"... hmmm... sounded like he felt a little guilty about the whole thing...

anyway...

90,000

without me even realizing it, my blog hits crossed the 90,000 mark today. wow wow...

red t-shirt

mum told me that her office (read - rehab center) had asked her to dressed in red top, white pants and that they must wear make-up tomorrow. it must definitely be for the national day celebrations, i thought. and she went on and on about how they had reminded her a couple of times up till the time she arrived home. and she added that the old bibik that usually chit chat with her asked her not to bother and just go in red t-shirt. they apparently did not know what's with all the fuss etc.

well, i told her it was for national day... she didn't seem to care. and after dinner, i bought her a simple giordano i love singapore t-shirt. despite her insistence that i should not waste money, it was so obvious she was very excited and pleased that she will be able to dress up for the occasion. and she went on-and-on about how the staff there would tease her about it...

heh heh... it's nice to see her happy. 

tendered

somehow, all my close friends were so happy for me when i told them i did it!

yes, i did it. finally tendered my resignation.

look forward!

my staff

what i fear about seemed to be happening. i am looking at tendering tomorrow, and to be fair to my staff, i told one of them today. she did not take to it very well. she was upset about it cos she is worried about what might happen to my unit and the staff when i tell them i will be leaving, and after i leave. and to top it off, she told me she join my unit and rejected another better paying job becos she felt she could work well with me (which is a fact) and now i am leaving. and with this development, she is now also considering leaving. hmmm...

i told this to another staff from hq who is responsible for supporting me in sales. again, she did not take to it too well. she felt bad and thought she might have contributed to my stress and my decision to leave. and she too also said she is considering leaving... arghhh...

i have stopped telling people about it for now. 

i will just tender. 

passport renewal

this is such a breeze... everything done online and completed within 5minutes. and interestingly, i realized that the photo studio where i took my photo gave me the soft copy of my photo down to the exact pixel size as well as file size. and this meant i had no problems uploading the softcopy in the net. very efficient. and i believe this must have been a co-ordinated communications effort by the people from immigration and customs authority. kudos to them! 

so now, i will have to wait for them to get back to me to collect my passport. been told it will take a week or so...

:-)

planning a trip

i am considering driving my mum up to cameron highlands sometime soon. good to take a break and also to give her a chance to leave the country. and hopefully this trip can refresh her (and i) a bit. 

previously had considered countries like australia, new zealand, taiwan... but i think it would be very tricky to (1) bring her up the airplane given that she is wheelchair bound, (2) bring her out for more than say 2-3 days given that i have to carry along enough adult diapers to last the duration, (3) transfer her from point-to-point especially when i have to rely on transport other than my own... so... going up north would probably be the only option as i can pack my needs into my car. or unless i outsource all the logistics, which i am not about to do. the few risks i have to take include (1) risking my car getting broken in again, (2) my car getting stolen (if people are desperate enough, an old car like mine would also jadi, (3) my car breaks down (speaking of which, i better send for servicing before the trip), (4) my mum's medical condition works up during the trip, (5) anything untoward were to happen to me and there's no one to look after my mum... hmmm...

well, going up north is probably the only viable option after balancing out the risks. and certainly, with a wheelchair and lots of other thing to carry along, a place that is not too crowded and cool would be useful. so... looks like cameron is the only option... and what better time than to do it after i throw my letter and clear my leave!

yoohoooo!

moonrise kingdom

been a long long while since bee and i went to town to watch a movie and today, we decided to watch moonrise kingdom at orchard cineleisure.

it was an interesting show and we enjoyed it thoroughly. but for me, what was significant was not the movie. i mean, the movie was nice, reasonably good acting, beautiful cinematography and so on. but to me, what struck me was the fact that everyone at cineleisure looked so young! i have not felt like an uncle for so long and when i was there, i felt so out of place! haiz... 

must have been out of the "scene" for too long. yup, have not gone downtown for anything relaxing in the evenings for a couple of years. in fact, my time in town these days were mostly during lunch (where i see working crowds) on weekdays! 

the spiral

i supposed the many things that are happening to me at work now could be attribute to what happened during the periods from nov/ dec last year. that was the time where everything was stressful, topsy turvy and upside down in my life. and i supposed no one will really know what i went through except the people involved. but well, time to look forward, not backward. every one is moving on/ has moved on... i have to too... ok, here's something cute to smile about... 

picture from http://www.frogtownproductions.com/

dates

ok, i am not writing about the park tor kinda dates. rather, i am referring to the buah kurma kinda dates. last evening, after a meeting, my admin staff come up to me and asked: "tuan, kenapa tahun ini belum kasi buah karma kepada trainer kita? they are already asking amongst themselves..." haha... been giving all my muslim staff dates for the last 2 years during the fasting month and this year, i thought i'd do it a bit later, perhaps just before hair raya puasa. looks like i have to do it quickly, lest they think i forgot about it. 

picture from http://infofadhl.files.wordpress.com

breaking the news

it's interesting the kinda thoughts that went through my mind when i think about how to break the news of my intended resignation to my unit and my immediate reports. they have given me their support and we have worked very well.

i took over my unit at a time where their morale was the lowest. and i have managed to bring it up to where we are today. we are probably the happiest unit in the whole company now. as for my immediate reports, there has been quite a few turnover and many have stayed/ chose to come over because of me... hmmm...

while the key motivation to my decision to move on is largely due to my boss and my big boss, i have stayed thus far because of my staff as well as my desire to clock 2-minimum years in the company. so, i am feeling kinda bad and in quite a difficult position now to break the news to them... i suspect there could be some follow-on resignations, but i cannot help it...

haiz...