no interest

i am getting very bored and unmotivated with work. things at work no longer interest me. and it has reached a state whereby i do not look forward to going to work. in fact, i do not look forward to anything related to work.

things are so meaningless to me now. regardless of how much effort i put in, i always end up getting scolded by my big boss. sometimes, i wonder why I even bother to put in any effort at all.

really don't feel motivated at all...

shopping

been bringing mum out almost every evening for the pass 2 fortnights. and yesterday, bought her 3 pairs of pants and can see she's happy. her moods have stabilized somewhat too.

:-)

alone

one can feel so dejected, lonely and helpless when everyone in the family choose to take the self-centric stance and not partake in the responsibility of caring for the parent, choosing instead to push the responsibility to you...

that is how i am feeling now. sighs. well, i guess life must carry on, cannot allow this ball to drop. the thoughts of resigning, selling my house and rebalancing everything in my life so that i can meet the demands of looking after mum did occur to me. but for now, push on... hold on...

sick?

never liked this feeling of wanting to fall sick but not sick. been like that for the last 2 weeks. well, ok to be accurate, actually fell sick last week, but pushed on. this week today, my throat started feeling grainy and i started coughing. this is likely to be the start of a bad bout of flu...

sighs...

i wanna dance with somebody

a big figure when i was in my uni days. we would scream like crazy when we hear this song. it was just that big amongst uni undergrads back in 1987!

:-)

your love is my love

a very memorable song... reminds me a lot about james... one of the many songs that would play in the car whenever we head out to town. reminded of this song when we lost whitney.

rest in peace whitney...

掌聲響起

掌聲響起, such a beautiful song. 鳳飛飛 was such a huge part of my growing up years. with her passing, we have lost another huge entertainment personality. and admittedly, i teared when i watched the 2-hour special produced to commemorate her close relationship with us, singaporean fans/ followers. to many of us, her unassuming girl-next-door image was really so different from the rest of the other "stars".

and i was glad they played this song at the end of the 2-hour show. it really gave the song so much so much more meaning.

don't know about you, but i will miss her.

:'(

black

as per sunday routine, went marketing and bought groceries to prepare for the day's meals. came home, did all the cleaning and cutting of the vegetables and stuff. decided to take a nap before i cook lunch.

when i got up, i noted mum had sliced the fishes and marinated it. reminded her that she should let me do the preparations and housework in future. and i went about frying it. i made sure i heat the wok well. certainly didn't want the fishes to stick to the surface... splish splash the oil flew as i lowered the fishes. left it for a minute to let it cook. but when i wanted to turn over the fishes, i had problems. they were both stuck to the surface. damned! must have been the wok. should have heated it longer, i blamed myself. after some difficulties, i managed to turn the first fish over, but the skin got torn in the process. sighs... what an ugly looking fish for lunch. no choice. when i tried to turn the second fish, i noted the skin had turned black! wah! wtf! how the hell could that happened? first it was torn skin, then it was torn and black skin! i decided i shan't attempt to get them to be golden brown. hurriedly, i removed both fishes from the wok.

placed the fishes on a plate and took them out to the dining table. and then i noticed my container of sugar on the table... my immediate suspicion, and confirmed by my mum, was that she had marinated the fish with sugar instead of salt! ha ha... that explained the burned look. the sugar was caramelized by the hot wok!

we ended up eating ugly looking (but still cooked) fishes for lunch (and fried vegetables of cos).

sighs...

ps: you know you have surpassed your mum and that your mum is way way way over the hill when you can cook and prepare things better and in a more coherent way than her.

white

when one grows old, the hair follicles' abilities to produce melanin drops... and the hair turns white... and i noticed this in dogs too... sapphie's fur has gradually turned whitish in recent years and her face now has a silvery tint. yup... white... colour of age...

and...

i realized i got a white eye brow hair 2 days ago...

doh!

wtf!

if this goes on, i will probably end up looking like some kungfu master... thick white eye brows... woooah! hahahahahahahahahaha!

office politics

i hate office politics. and i hate senior people who announce despicable things they do like as though it is the best thing in the world... what they did not know is that by announcing such things, it reflects more on themselves than anything else...

shame of them...

letting go 4

if you really love yourself, let him go...

make sense?... to me, it makes perfect sense...

letting go 3

if you really love someone, let him go...

very hard to reconcile right? one cannot fathom the wisdom of this sentence until one really experienced it.

letting go 2

for my second reflection, it is about another friend. and he cannot let go of his past.

the thing about our past is this - it can either energize us or it can haunt us. but when things come to an end, move on. regardless of whatever good, bad, happiness, hurt or whatever, they all belong to the past. move on. let go. we should not constantly try to live in the past. neither should we try to forget them. the thing about trying to forget things is that we end up remembering them. and our mind has this habit of romanticising things (even though we do not admit it) when we think about our past.

factually, the person we had loved before is not the same person today although physically, he may seemed so. the law of relativity applies even in this context. nothing stays constant. for now, we need to accept the present, acknowledge the past, learn from it, appreciate the lessons learnt, accept the finale, and look towards the future. and as for the person in our memory, we should put him in a corner of our heart, thank him for the common journey that he had accompanied us through before, and simply, keep him there. nice and warm. by simply accepting and keeping the memory in a nice warm corner of our heart, whatever misforgivings or hurt we have experienced disappears and what remains is a sweet warm glow. well, at times, we may even think back and laugh at ourselves. i know, cos i have been there, and done that.

and i am still doing it... old habits die hard. haha...

but what's important is - let go.

again, i know, for i have done that.

ps: don't yearn for closures... once people decide to move on, they move on. whatever closures you want, only you can close it yourself. not others.

letting go 1

i have a friend who had just suffered a loss. the loss of a very dear ex.

the loss occurred yesterday. and this friend is finding it difficult to handle right now. it seemed like there are elements of guilt, there are elements of self-blame, and so on. and i totally understand how he feels. the suddenness, the rawness, it can be very overwhelming. i feel his pains when i read his blog.

i have nothing to offer except some advise. advise for him to accept it and to try and see things from a different perspective. guilt, self-blame, etc is natural but is not healthy. then again, when one is overwhelmed by emotions, everything becomes a blur. most importantly, as one mourns, one must also recognize and accept that death is a fact as much as life is. but as we mourn, we must not romanticize, sensationalize nor impose a sense of guilt upon ourselves. we must consciously remind ourselves to move on after we mourn.

it is very difficult to accept things when death comes aknocking, more so when we feel it is premature. but what else can we do? in such a difficult situation, we have no choice but to try and see things from a different perspective. and i suggest - that although the physical self is no longer around, the person lives on in our minds and hearts. and in there, he will forever remain the person we loved so dearly. and this love will forever stay in our hearts. this, perhaps, is the perspective that would help us cope better when it comes to departures. yes, love is the only way to defeat death. with love, death has no place in our hearts.

when departures are forced onto us, we must all the more celebrate the person's life. for he had lived, he had experienced health, he had experienced sickness, he had experienced happiness, and he had experienced sadness. in short, he had experienced the richness of life. what more can we asked for for a person right? we should celebrate his life. we should accept his departure and let his departure teach us to live the moment, appreciate the people around us and live our lives meaningfully.

that would be the best gift we can give to the one who had passed on.

let go.

for now, my friend, stay strong.

leap year

i just wanna go through the motion to do a leap year entry now. afterall, we only get to do such an entry once every 4 years rite?

haha!

:-)

vroom vroom vroom

here's something i cannot understand. it's about people who drive sports car. yup, sports car - those ferrari, lamborghini, and what have yous type of sports car. why would anyone want to drive a sports car in singapore?!?!?!?! really don't understand! come on, it's singapore! a tiny teeny weensy little red dot... an island so small that if you drive too fast, you might end up driving into the sea! that kinda small!!!

anyway, here's something that i always encounter (as i did today)! was driving along bedok road earlier this evening and i heard this low rumbling vroom vroom vroom behind me, i looked into my rear view mirror and saw this super low-profile white sports car weaving dangerously between the cars behind me. we were on a one lane road. but it was the kinda one lane that was wide enough for 2 cars to squeeze kinda one lane. and soon enough, the white sports car zipped closely passed me. and even before it cleared my front, it cut in and tried to overtake the next car in front. vroom vroom vroommmm, the driver pressed his oil as he did so. a lambo i noted. wtf! i shouted in my head. but before we could all say "the", the traffic light in front turned red. mr lambo made an e-brake! eeeeeeee! in no time, every father mother son (including me) caught up with mr lambo. vroom vroom vroom, the driver revved... once the light turned green, vroommmmm!!! off mr lambo went. but before we could even say "the" again, the next traffic light turned red. mr lambo screeched to a sudden halt again. and in no time, all we father mother sons caught up with him. again, he went vroom vroom vroommmm... and again, when the light turned green, vroooooommmm off mr lambo went. and again, before we could say "the" again, the next traffic light turned red... doh!

this whole sequence repeated a couple of times. and i seriously believed all we father mother sons (and some daughters i was sure) were giggling our heads off as we "slowly" take our time and drive up to mr lambo...

really, if you are in malaysia, or some continental country like europe or the states, i could understand why you drive a sports car. but in this little red dot? hmmm... buying a sports car could instead make one look damned one helluva f-ing stupid! (and worst of all, they probably thought they look damned seh-bin aka sark aka ya ya aka atas aka rich/ high class)

no?

incontinence

i have never mopped so much in my life. these days, i mop the floor almost daily. sometimes, at least 3-4 times a day. no choice cos my mum has incontinence and she literally pees all over the floor... (she wears the sarong and...)

just today, the whole house was full of urine smell. and i had to turn the house upside down after bringing her to the dentist and cleaned everything from the bedsheet, to the floor rug, mattress, mattress cover, floor, etc. and it was so nice to have the sun fully out today too. managed to sun the stuff and by afternoon, i managed to get all the urine smell out.

and this evening, just as i was about to head downstairs for a brisk walk after watching tv, i found the floor full of urine again... and to make things worst, she didn't realized she had wet the floor and went to bed in her urine-soaked sarong...

sighs...

endless sleep

i was so dead beat by the time i came back from my team building event on sat. and i slept real well that night... in fact, i slept at about 10.30pm and apart from waking up for my pee, quick bites and drinks, and medication, i was literally asleep throughout the whole of sunday!

i decided i should sleep my way through cos mum went cranky again first thing when i woke up sunday morning and it was such a bad lousy episode, i lost my temper! i gave her a good lecture and decided it was not worth wasting my energy on her and decided i should just ignore her and headed to bed.

and i slept and slept and slept and slept...

did not wake up until close to 9pm on sunday...

and by 1030pm, i was asleep again!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

felt really refreshed on monday morning!

:-)

building teams

had a bad flu on fri. and on sat, went for my unit's team building event. one full day including half a day in the hot sun playing team bonding games. by the time we ended, i was almost half dead... then again, managed to push on and pushed through till dinner.

so dead tired when i came home. but it was a good event. really productive and really good. was glad everyone enjoyed themselves. now that teambuilding has ended, the real work starts...

lots of discussions to come...

target setting... objectives, kpis, la la la...

heh heh...

:-)

mc

i never learn! always see doctor late afternoon... then get mc for the day.

haha!

anyway, had been feeling kinda out these last 2 days. and today, it was really bad. decided to detour the clinic while on way for a meeting. fever. sore throat. body aches. cough. runny nose. nausea. in short - flu. must be the freaking weather! (yup, always blame on the weather if you cannot pinpoint the real cause of the issue). but it was good. came home and managed to catch half hour of sleep. really refreshed now although i am still feeling the bad throat.

:-)

birthing the diamond!

(warning: this post may sound a little crude to some. if you are offended by references to the male sexual organ, please stop here, else read on)

woke up this morning and i headed to the toilet to pee. stood there drowsily as i pee. suddenly, i felt an internal "tut" and my pee flow stopped. felt a rude pain at the base of my (short of a better word) cock. ok, urethra (technically, the start of the urethra would be further in). all my drowsiness disappeared that very moment. my first thoughts was to push. but there was just not enough pee to push. whatever was there had blocked the urethra. used my finger to lightly press the part that felt pain and noted a hard object inside. and it (as in my cock) felt very tender there, as in pain-pain-tender, and not the erotic-tender-tender. in that state of mind, there was not a single erotic feel. the hard object was stuck and blocking further urine from coming out! thankfully, i had just peed an hour before and the amount of urine was not much... cannot imagine how i would have suffered if i was actively pushing the urine out! also, i was not hard (as in morning wood)... if i had been hard, it would have been a bloody event! eeeeee...

ok, back to the experience... yes! i knew it! it must be the diamond! it must be coming out and kenah stuck along the way! my instinct told me to relax, drink more water and wait. i proceeded to read my morning papers. and soon enough, the urge to pee came again. but i was a little hesitant. i have heard of horror stories about how the stone would scrape through the urethra and emerge with a "plop!" and the awful and painful aftermath! it reminded me of how i suffered when i went for my bladder scan 2 years back and the )&*^$&%* burning sensation that followed after the scan. it was just that unbearable! but i knew i was at the point of no return. push it out or hold my urine till i explode! hahaha...

obviously, i had no choice. this time round, i decided i would not pee into the toilet bowl. decided i should do it in my bathtub. i wanted to collect the diamond. you cannot imagine the anticipation of the pain as i slowly tried to pee. i had imagined the searing pain as it cuts through the urethra and at the moment, the whole control of peeing, the efforts to tense and relax my bladder was most agonising. i was trying to minimise any possible feel of a sharp-edged crystal cutting my inside as i push the diamond out. if i had not controlled my bladder consciously, it would be no different from having a dam burst and the pressure of the whole reservoir of water exerted at a single point of exit. only that in my case, the pressure would push a crystal which in turn would cut my inside! i controlled and controlled and controlled, expecting to have the diamond emerge first.... instead, i was surprised when i see drops of urine appearing. i give it a little more push and next thing i knew... a grey piece of thing dropped onto the bathtub.

the diamond had been birthed!

hahahaha... i felt a sudden feel of relief. it felt so very very good. quickly, i finish my peeing and picked up the diamond. it looked huge (comparatively speaking), compared to the hole it emerged from. and huge for the fact that it had stayed in my ureter for a couple of months, scrapped through it and caused a whole lot of internal bleeding, and then stayed in my bladder and decided to come out today!

whew!

my second scan was supposed to occur next week... wondered if i should proceed... hmmmm, then again, perhaps i should just go through it and check if the other previously reported diamonds inside are growing... i feel so relieved now. from the spate of horrible things that kept on happening over the last couple of months, what happened this morning could only be a sign of more good things to come!

:-)

ps: bee said it looked more like nose dirt rather than diamonds... i totally agree! only that it is rock hard! haha!

life's blessings

after reading what sharks wrote, it made me reflect a little bit about what i have written. perhaps things have sounded a tat too depressing (not that it hasn't), but i have been reminded that i have forgotten to also count my blessings (thanks sharks!).

and talking about it, it also reminded me of a story i read in that monk's book. in it, he shared about how many years ago, he had built a wall and in the process, tried so hard to align the bricks on the wall he built. and after laying about a 1000 bricks and finally completing the wall, he found that there were 2 bricks out of alignment. he wanted to demolish the wall for he was highly disappointed about it. he felt the wall was imperfect. the high monk refused and did not allow him to do so. from then on, he learnt to avoid the wall cos whenever he saw the wall, he was reminded of the 2 ugly out-of-alignment bricks. and that reminded him about his dislike for it. it was until one day when someone commented how good the wall looked. he was surprised and he pointed out to the person that there were 2 misaligned bricks. that person did not even noticed it... this experience made him realized that in focusing on the 2 bad bricks, he had failed to appreciate the 998 good bricks. and from this simple story, the monk reflected how we had often focused on a little problem and fail to see all the good things around us. yup... there are a whole lot of good things around us. we just need to open our eyes and re-discover it. so, for me, here goes...

i supposed that despite all the problems that i have with my mum, her presence had also made me realize how much i love her. she gave birth to me, brought me up to her best abilities and in the process, taught me how to love, how to be compassionate, and life's basic skills - cooking, ironing, sewing, etc... (i only wished she had taught me more patience... haha). and of cos, within her means, she provided for me, put me through a good education and gave me a good start in life. i may not be rich materially, but i am ahead of many people. and i have to thank her for it.

and with this, i need to constantly remind myself that i have to fulfil my dutiful obligations as a son to look after her now that she is old and frail. my mum is but one of the many blessings i have in life. there are many others. for example, bee, friends (online and real), my dog (!), my home, my job, colleagues, etc... all these are also blessings! indeed, life's blessings are often not obvious and we often too preoccupied by our own self-centric thoughts to notice them. and when i see them that way, indeed, life is good.

:-)

my mission

despite having the words "be happy" blazing at the top of my blog, i have time and again allowed myself to become unhappy. indeed, these 2 words are so profound that to be able to achieve it requires a lot of efforts... also, it is easy to make people happy but to make oneself happy is one helluva difficult.

i need to try harder to achieve it! or perhaps, i should just screw it... and don't try too hard to be happy... and i'll be happy...

do i make sense?

crazy!

picture from http://www.caribdirect.com/2011/11/06/life-sucks-episode-3-%E2%80%93-no-love-no-luck/

fall

was so tired last night after clearing a report at 1am. and then i heard a "kaboomz" coming from my mum's room. felt something was not right and went over. opened the door and saw her spralled on the floor. she had a fall. helped her up. learned from her that she felt warm and wanted to take a shower, got up from bed and lost her balance. she seemed ok. told me to go to bed, which i did. she proceeded to have her shower by herself.

woke up earlier this morning as i had to conduct a course. saw my mum lying on the sofa and she was complaining of bad pains. asked to go to hospital. tried to get her to sit up but she couldn't. pain was too excruciating. i had to activate an ambulance in the end. as it was a non-emergency case, i called 1777. had to wait for an hour or so... in that hour of waiting. informed my brother, sisters etc. and next thing i know, i got a long string of smses from my brother scolding me for not taking care of my mum, and that he would hold me accountable if she dies, just like how i had to shoulder the blame for my dad's passing (for the record, he died of liver cancer), la la la... this hostility came out of no where. wasn't prepared for it. reminded me of how he hurled abuses at me once over a request to talk to my late dad.

despite being rather pissed off, i did not retaliate. instead, i asked him how i could improve my taking care of mum. and he couldn't answer. i was so sure he couldn't as it was precisely becos he gave up on mum that she ended up with me. anyway, he went something like, "let me tell you straight, you better take good care...". it went on for a few more smses. i did not know where he was coming from and didn't know how to respond other than "ok". and i asked him again, "if i had fallen short anywhere, please tell me where so i can improve". again, he couldn't answer. and i said - you should know the issues involved when it comes to taking care of mum - i wanted to remind him that taking care of an elderly who cannot think logically and who always says imaginary things to hurt people and relationship may not be the best thing to do. (i was hinting to him that he himself couldn't take her nonsense and wanted to get her out of his house into the mental asylum after she accused his wife of wanting to kill her, etc). he simply ignored me and told me he wanted to get back to work. we ended the conversation there.

my only guess was that he believed all the nonsensical things my mum told him. and god knows what kinda of false things my mum said (although i roughly can second guessed already - they must be things such as bee want to take the house from me, bee wanna harm her, bee's mother is after my wealth, etc). to put things straight, i will be very happy if someone can take over my house, at least, i will not need to foot that huge monthly loans, also i am living hand to mouth, house loan, car loan, mum's hefty medical bills, other bills, etc what kinda fucking wealth do i have? i cannot even afford to go for a holiday, not that i have been to one proper holiday for the last 3 years! damned!

very regretful indeed that a person at such age do not have the ability nor wisdom to think straight and cultivate harmony amongst her own children. very regretful to have someone who has been so consumed by her own past that she victimises everyone who takes care of her in the present day with her nonsense. no different from my dad when he was alive. all the family squabbles, misunderstandings, fights, etc were all becos the two of them say things without second thoughts of consequences. and worst still, either say things that are not true or say things to deliberately create a strife between thier children. if i can pinpoint a single reason about why me and my 3 other siblings all do not have good relationships, i would place them squarely on my parents. but i have to accept and move on. no point blaming. but certainly, to keep getting these kinda verbal abuses from my brother and all the nonsensical paranoia and drama from my mum is terrible. it is very very draining.

and i am feeling very very tired.

anyway, the ambulance came, mum got to the hospital, given painkillers, did some blood tests, x rays, etc... found to have injured and possibly broken her ribs. given painkillers and sent home.

tense

was discussing about work with my staff at about 5pm when i got a call from a training site about a training accident... sighs... got me busy for the whole evening and by the time all the things were settled it was about 1plus am. so tired. but well, i thought we handled it ok. the family came down from up north and were very appreciative of all the help we rendered.

the challenging part is now the post-aar, investigations, etc... additional admin work needed.

well... too many things have happened at workplace this year. not accidents per se. but issues related to health, hospitalizations (kidney stones, blood clot in brain, broken leg, etc), etc... and i think my staff now feel somewhat uneasy. perhaps it is time to do some prayers to ease the tensed up spirits...

missing diamonds

have been referring to my kidney stones as diamonds. heh heh... anyway, went for the review yesterday and was told that it had moved from the ureter downwards. initially the doctor thought it had been ejected from my system but when i told him i still feel the aches and, as recent as last weekend, had blood globules in my urine, he got worried. he explained that it only meant the stone was still inside and was probably somewhere between where it was last seen (midway along the ureter) and the bladder. and becos that area is located within the hip bone areas, the stones could possibly be hidden from the x-ray...

cut the long story short, i have to go for another ct scan in 2 weeks and to head back for another review in march before he can decide what to do. he added that if indeed the stone is found to be still inside, he might have to do an op. and, and, and he added, hopefully in these additional couple of weeks, the stone would move further and get out of my system... so for now, to avoid tea, salt, food rich in oxalates, and drink lots of water.

to be continued...

picture from http://www.keirfinejewellery.com/canadian-diamonds/

u are?

yesterday, i finally experienced and understood the full effect of the depression medication i have been taking. i brought my mum to the clinic for a review. the review came 3 days after i brought her to the a&e last week for incontinence.

at the clinic, i walked into the doctor's consultation room, and i passed her the memo. and she asked me why i was there and i stood there with a totally blank mind. for the longest moment, i couldn't remember why i was there. i literally stood and stared into the blank space. and just like a school boy taking his exam unprepared, i tried very hard to take a peek at the memo to see what the a&e doctor wrote... and my eyes caught the word "incontinence". then, everything came back.

it was a scary experience. it felt like my memory was totally wiped away. and for that moment, i fully understood what my mum meant when she said she couldn't remember things. and it could be as simple as what she ate 2 hours before...

bin with a hole

it was an interesting morning. in fact, it had been an interesting few days cos of late, i recieved no less than 2-3 emails asking if i could help the author solve some of his life's issues, relationship issues, that is. i decided to write something about it now cos today's mail was extra interesting. it came from out of nowhere and what's interesting was that this person actually used his name (it didn't come across as a pseudonym compared to previous ones) and stated that he had been referred to me by a friend. how interesting right?

well, i took it as a compliment. really. compliment for that fact that someone out there felt i was worth the effort to seek advise from. and for that, i thought i should reply the mail. but i was conscious of the fact that my sharing was but my perspective of things. might not be the best answer nor an answer that he wanted to hear. but a perspective still...

told thomas about it this afternoon and he told me to delete all such mails cos i have problems of my own. he was concerned that by reading other people's problems, i might end up feeling even more scarred/ traumatised. but i disagree. i might have my problems, but certainly, to be able to help someone is an honour and that is something i, as a buddhist, cannot not do. if there is one thing i must do in life, it would be to lent help to people who need them. and coincidentally, i happened to be reading a book by a renowned monk about how to open one's heart to happiness and in it, he shared about how monks manage themselves when they counsel people with problems and issues. he liken themselves as bins, recieving all the problems and issues from people and the way they manage it was to be a bin with a hole at the bottom. accept the problems and issues (that people wanna throw out of their lives) and let it out immediately.

and that is probably what i should learn to be - a bin with a hole at the bottom.

valentines

with the right attitude, everyday can be a valentines day. need not celebrate love only on one single day of the year. looking at it from another perspective, it is quite sad. sad that we have to remind ourselves that we need to celebrate love. and for those with no partners, the deliberate dedication of a single day of the year in celebration of love accentuates the feelings of loneliness and despression... no?

well, we can argue all we want, but end of it all, i supposed it depends on how much value we give to this day itself. if you see if as important, and value it from the perspective of partner-love (short of a better word), it can either make you very excited (if you are attached) or very depressed (if you are not attached). for the former, you are likely to fall victim to the commercialisation of love. or you can reframe "love" in a more liberal way and value this day it as a celebration of love in general, including brotherly love, motherly love, friendship, etc, then it is really a joyous day. and if you really do not even give a damn about it, you can just join in the fun and waste your money on food and flowers (yup, it is the effect of commercialising the concept of love), or you can simply just relax, and have a nice happy day, just like any other day of the year... and that is exactly what i am doing now... nice simple evening watching mindless tv, no stress and eating my zichar dinner.

happy valentines to one and all...

ps: and i know valentines day food can be very lousy cos we had the experience of wanting to celebrate this day some many years back by going to an expensive restaurant and we end up like many many other couples eating lousy overcooked steak with lousy badly cooked sauce becos the kitchen cannot cope with so many (stupid) couples and decided to only serve fixed valentines day set menu...

pps: and of course, i really feel this day is way too commercialized... just like how all traditional festivals feel to me now, just look at christmas, halloween, chinese new year, mooncake festival, etc... things are getting shallower by the days/ years. sighs...

picture from http://www.trulymadlydeeply.biz/cscart/confetti/valentines-day/

sunday nite rantings

weekend is ending. and i am now sitting in bed blogging. simple weekend that came and went without much excitement. here's some of the more lame/ interesting/ mundane (whatever...) things that occurred over the last 2 days...

(1) mum went a bit cranky again. out of no where, she started suspecting bee was out to harm her again. and she said i have to do my chanting when i go out with him. and when i told her he is also buddhist, she said the buddha he prayed to is a fake buddha... she even claimed bee's mum came to the house. hmmm... i increased her medication dosage after she said all these things...

(2) did more than 3 times of mopping the house this weekend. twice yesterday, part routine, part re-do cos i felt the floor was a little more dirty than usual. and mum peed all over the floor again today. so... third round.

(3) weekend with the most laundry done. 5 times. 2 loads of laundry, 2 loads of floor rugs - from the bedroom and the kitchen, 1 load of bedsheets, comforter cover, pillow and bolster cases. whew! my water bills is gonna shoot up like crazy!

(4) went out for dinner yesterday (see 5) after giving mum her medication (see 1). bought a pair of nice work shoes. not often do i walk into a shoe shop, see one pair that i actually like, and yet is able to fit my othortics. decided to buy it on the spot. fastest ever for me shoe shopping for me. nice!

(5) had ajisen ramen for dinner after buying shoes (see 4). for reasons beyond us, although we knew ajimen serves lousy quality ramen, we still walked in. and when the ramen came, we complained that it was bad. the egg yolks were overcooked! the soup was not oomphy, the... we were expressedly comparing it with marutama ramen. hmmm... nice soft tamago yolk and fragrant rich pork/ chicken broth boiled for many hours to perfection and springy ramen! hmmm... ok, back to ajimen... errrmmm, whatever! still, it was a break away from mum.

(6) during the ajisen ramen dinner (see 5), we were seated beside this malaysian couple and their lady friend. they were clearly malaysians from their heavy accented mandarin mixed with malaysian cantonese and splattering of english (not making fun, but that that is how all malaysians i know speak). it was the guy's birthday. and frankly, (not that i am bitchy), i thought the guy looked decent enough, but the girlfriend looked boomz!*#@&% (short of a better word). she was the direct opposite of him in all sense. he was nice and lean, she was not nice (in fact, fugly) and fat, he was tall (enough), she was short, la la la... but ok, it was really sweet of her to get him a small birthday cake and sang him the birthday song. and he was very spotting. he gave her a peck on her cheek and posed for a photo. and he actually closed his eyes and looked damned serious as he made a very long 45sec wish. wooooo... everyone of us seated around their table were literally rolling our eyes! but it was entertaining.

(7) gave my doggie a bath... been 2 weeks. but surprisingly she didn't smell. but still, i thought it would be nice to give her a bath. and aiyoh, this dog, very gu-niang (well, it's a "she" afterall), scared stiff of cold water, whimpered when she felt the water was a little too cold for her. needed warm water... and at the right temperature too...

(8) finally cleared all the mandarin oranges on the table. last 2. one for mum and one for doggie... yes, they both love mandarin oranges. 2 old women, both with similar likings!

(9) last 2 days before my kidney/ urinary tract check-up tomorrow. had to take the special medication that was supposed to help "light up" the stone tomorrow when i go for x-ray. let's see how things go tomorrow! (for some strange reasons, i really hope i will be warded tomorrow)

(10) went for a 10min swim in my condo pool, cleared my fridge and organized mum's medications, also, organized my own medications, washed the toilets, cleaned the kitchen sink, cleared my car boot, got my finger caught and badly bruised when my car boot closed and banged onto it (ouch!), felt sad that whitney kicked the bucket, surfed the net, surfed porn, read the latest gossips in in the local gay scene, blogged, switched off my phone after getting sms asking for contacts, la la la...

ok, enough of rantings on a lazy sunday evening. i need to stop now and get myself into the mood of sleeping...

good night!

desperately borrowing money

in jun last year, i wrote about this college mate of mine who, over a span of 2 years, kept calling me to lend her cash. and each time she contacted me, she gave all sorts of stories as to why she needed help. eventually, sometime mid-last year, despite some difficulties, i decided to lend a helping hand. and after helping her, her smses came in one after another asking for more and more cash, and all the smses were laden with phrases that reeked of emotional blackmail. ultimately, i decided to stop responding.

from the conversations and smses, i concluded she is a hopeless gambling addict who, for the sake of gambling, had sold off her house and investments, borrowed heavily from relatives and loan sharks, etc. she has been on the run from our local loan sharks and has gone into hiding in macau since mid-last year.

two months back, she sent me another bout of smses from macau asking for money again. one of the sms started with something about being compassionate and helping her is more noble than building a pagoda (a commonly used chinese phrase)... i ignored her. i suspected she has not shaken off that habit and was trying her luck at the casinos there.

some weeks later, she smsed me again saying that she was about to jump off a building and that only i could save her by transferring cash into her bank account. i ignored all these smses but i felt very uneasy. what if she really jump? i would have been guilty of causing her death. the objective part of me told me to switch off my phone and ignore her. for a few days after that sms, i kept a lookout in the papers for news about a singaporean woman committing suicide in macau. there wasn't any. her smses stopped too.

and these couple of weeks, her smses started coming in again. and consistently, there were elements of emotional blackmailing. i did not respond as usual. this morning, she smsed me again asking me to pass her the contact number of one of our college mate. and she added that she was suffering out in the cold with no place to go (9 degrees she added). again, i ignored her. i cannot imagine putting another of my college mate through the same ordeal that i went through.

it is getting a tat too irritating for me and i almost wanted to tell her how disappointed i was in her and how she had abused our friendship and my trust in her. then again, i thought it might be better to just ignore her and let her continue to dwell in her cycle of sufferings. i cannot help her unless she help herself. my heart felt heavy previously whenever i ignored her. but now, somehow, it had been hardened. sad.

sighs...

how would you react if you were me?

ps: i am resigned to the fact that the large amount i lent her would probably not come back to me but i guess money lost can be earned back over time. just take it as a bad investment.

picture from http://www.123rf.com/photo_10203784_singapore-money-in-a-jar-symbol-of-savings-money-isolated-on-white-background.html

my country, my home

something that is makes one feel a certain sense of patriotic pride, yet without the feel of the government at the back.

excellent video!

blood again

it has been 2 months since i was hospitalized for stones in my ureter and kidneys and i am due for a review this monday. the 2 months was to allow the stones to move and hopefully to be discharged out of my system. but certainly, from my intermittent experience of achy back over the last 2 months, i am very sure the stones are still inside.

just yesterday, the achy pain hit me again. it was not excruciating per se. just a dull achy pain behind my left waist... my suspicion was that the stone has moved a little. it didn't really bother me cos i had had this pain on and off all too often. but today, something happened.

despite drinking lots of water, i had been feeling dehydrated of late, especially today. and when i went to pee this afternoon, my urine was orangy in colour and i noticed globules of blood all over... hmmmm... blood in urine. a sure sign that the stone had moved and probably had scrapped the urinary tract. well, i didn't panic, i had worst experiences before. just need to drink more water...

the review is this coming monday. let's see how things go...

ps: how to feel young and cute when your body is telling you "harlow! it's breaking down time!"! ha!

interview

finally, went for an interview with a headhunter this week. it was an interesting experience and all happened too fast. but it was kinda fun cos i went with no expectations and i was very relaxed. no expectations, no stress... well, ok ok, a bit of stress. but well under controlled compared to my last round of job search. at least this time round, i was not looking for a job per se. they looked for me instead... so...

well, the interview lasted almost a one hour and it was non-stop answering of questions. and i just yak yak yak and chat my way through. the mood was relax, i was able to joke and share what they wanted to know along the way. of cos, the questions posed were rather tough but given the fact that the questions were all targeted at what i was doing, i simply answered them with my heart and i thought i answered them well enough.

i supposed my 2 years of almost non-stop interviewing of candidates for my office prepared me well, notwithstanding the fact that i was on the interviewee end this time round.

let's see how things go...

:-)

y&c

some of my fellow bloggers started this young and cute thingee. and my dear friend tuls even proclaimed that february be called the young and cute month! heh heh... tuls went onto his promoter mode and urge everyone to feel young and cute...

well, generally i agree with all he wrote. he mentioned about 16 or 61 (or 69) is but a number. regardless of age, everyone can feel young. nice line... but i noted one glaring thing - he missed out the cute part in this line! hahaha... i am sure that 61, no one will ever feel cute! and for me, even at 45 going 46, i do not feel cute. and worst still, i definitely cannot imagine me dressing cute! hahahaha... so bloody salah isn't it?

:-)

but yup, i totally understand what he was trying to say.

if i were to reframe the whole y&c thingee, i would say - being young and cute is about how one loves oneself and can live life to the fullest. cos when one can do so, one will be able to feel the energy of youth (regardless of age) and exude charm (the perenial/ mature version of "cute").

ps: then again, at 61, the definition of cute would probably be - "ugly but adorable"! no?

sniffles

cough cough, sniff sniff... ahhhhhh... chooooooo!

damned! it's here again!

:-(

declaring 302

was reading a local glbt forum and a guy posted his concerns about declaring his sexuality when he went for his ns (national service) call-up medical check-up... or rather, this guy had declared (his sexuality), but he was worried how they would treat him. there were quite a few replies and many of them were spouting nonsense and allegations that were either unfounded or bitchy.

thought they were not useful and counter to what this poor chap had wanted to know/ find out when he posted his queries in the forum. so, i sent him a personal message. i thought i should make it sound as objective as i could given that i was an ex-regular officer who had spend more than 20 years in the military (despite my bad experiences of being outed, interrogated and so on when i was in service). felt it was the right thing to do to allay the fears and apprehensions of my fellow gaymen who are awaiting enlistment. i decided to post it here cos i am also aware that there are some here who has the same questions.

:-)

this was what i wrote...

reference your posting about declaring, frankly, it is gonna be a non-affair for the armed forces if you are an nsf (national serviceman [fulltime]), i.e., conscript. many people have declared and they are required to go through their ns like anyone else. as for the talk about excusing people from whatever specific roles etc, really, it all depends on the following:

(1) whether you are effeminate. this is an important factor for them to consider (especially if you have intentions to eventually go for a sex change). generally, for people who are in the process of transition, they would be employed in non-combat roles and would not be required to stay-in. apart from protecting the servicemen from possible harrassment from their peers, it would also minimize the stress and trauma for the servicemen from having to undergo combat roles and duties (which generally are more rough and tough, and that would pose some very practical inconveniences for transitioning personnel). if you are straight-acting and medically assessed that you are comfortable with your sexuality, you would be treated no difference from any other persons and would be required to undergo the full ns. i myself know of many friends who went through even after declaring they are gay. you will unlikely be given a lower pes status (medical status) just because you declare you are homosexual.

(2) whether you are applying to be a regular (contract soldier). as a regular, you would be subjected to additional security checks and one of the areas that they would be interested be would be your sexuality. generally personnel who declare they are homosexual would not be employed (it is an unwritten rule but everyone knows about it). the reasons could include firstly, the avoidance of security concerns especially when gay people, who are closeted, would have a higher chance of being blackmailed (for classified information), or secondly, their fear that there might be a confidence issues with the organisation amongst parents if they were to find out that there are gay servicemen leading their sons. (i do not subscribe to these reasons but i do acknowledged that they exist).

hope i have shed sufficient light on the issue of homosexuality.

after sending this message, i sent a second one...

if i may add, handling homosexual servicemen is something that the saf (singapore armed forces) is still learning. when the so called directive pertaining to homosexuals was first drafted and formalized, it classified persons who declare their homosexuality into a category by itself called "302". that was in the 70s when the perception of gays was - gays = ah-guas (transvestites). to me, that was a very wrong start from the beginning. it was too simplistic and did not address the whole continuum of sexuality issues that is a fact of life - eg openly homosexuals who are out of the closet but straight-acting, homosexuals who are closeted, sexual dimorphism, transexuals, transvestites, etc... you can also read this post about the difficulties i experienced managing my staff who went for a sex change, it simply illustrated the vacuum in directives/ policies managing such cases, even for regulars. but interestingly, the key issue is not one of policy but that of people's acceptance... end of the day, it was people's acceptance or rather, non-acceptance of the individual that led to the officer leaving service...

this was made worst by some servicemen who tried to escape ns, malinger and/ or cheat the system by declaring they are transvestites with the intent to transition, get excused/ downgraded, and excused from reservist. iknew of previous cases such as these and after 2 - 2.5 years of being posted as a clerk and excused from reservist, the servicemen ord (ended his conscript time), left service, and reverted to his totally straight lifestyle. yup, you will be surprise, but there are such people in singapore.

as such, for those who declare they are homosexuals, the medical officer would have to make the assessment as to whether he needs to psychologically tested (especially when they suspect there is an intention to malinger/ cheat). otherwise, declaring of homosexuality is really a non-issue for an nsf.

lemon tea

was at a local hospital earlier and decided to drop by the cafe for a bite. there was a queue and a doctor placing her order asked: "auntie, lemon tea 有 teh 的吗?" (auntie, is there tea in the lemon tea?)

...

not sure about auntie, but i was certainly tickled by such a question...

*roll eyes*...

funny mum

mum had been going to the rehab center almost daily since 19 dec. and she has kinda grown used to the routine. these days, she calls the daily routine of going to the rehab as "going to work". and she refers to herself as the "worker", and the rehab center staffs as "executives". also, she would refer to the rehab executive (the real one) as the "supervisor"...

imagine this - when i asked her if she gave ang pows to the rehab center staff, she retorted that they should be the ones giving her ang pows instead. afterall, she is only the worker there and rightfully, "executives" should give "workers" ang pows and not the other way round....

and 2 days ago, she asked me this interesting question. she said "tomorrow, i was told the big boss is coming. but i do not know his name. but since he is my big boss, i, as the worker, should address him as 'sir' right?" and i told her, no need, you can address whichever name your rehab center staff address him as. it was clear she was uncomfortable cos she asked in disbelief "how can, i am only a worker..."

hmmm...

funny right?

cranky mum

mum had been rather cranky lately. at times, she seemed happy and chatty, and at times, she was down and ignores people. and at times when she was quiet, there was really no way to guess what really was going on in her head. but from her line of questioning these couple of days, i could somehow suspect she was trying to find ways to get out of the house.

last week, she created quite a bit of havoc at home. and after avoiding me for a couple of days, she started talking to me again last weekend. and these 2 days, she has been mumbling about how bad my brother was and how unfilial he is now. apparently she had asked him to get her back the old house (that had been rented out). but instead he replied that if she wanted it back, she must pay him 10k. it was clear she was unhappy with him for saying this. but i knew where my brother was coming from. he was just trying to get her to forget about moving back. after all her nonsense that almost wrecked his family, he is also very clear that the issue is with mum and not with anyone else.

so...

anyway, today, out of no where, mum threw an interesting line at me. she said i owe her 20k. she insisted i had owed her the money since many years back and becos there was no records, i am now acting blur... hmmm... there was really no way this could be true. in fact, i had been earning and self-sustaining since my schooldays! immediately, i knew what she was trying to do. she was trying to blackmail me to get her 20k so that she could give it to my brother in return for the old house...

it seemed like my mum is still quite insistent on moving out of my place.

is such behaviour typical of a person with dementia?

sighs...

headhunters

interestingly enough, this week, one of my ex-colleague gave me a contact to a headhunter. she told me he is a very good one and that he should be able to help me look for a job. and on the same day, i recieved an email from another headhunter asking me to meet up to explore some positions...

hmmm... quite excited by this sudden possible openings...

let's see how things go.

:-)

breathtaking

i find this very spiritual.

enjoy...

loy krathong

don't ask me why, but these few days, i kept thinking about this song. a song that i was taught to sing since my primary school days...

:-)

unker

no, am not trying to act cute by spelling "unker" instead of "uncle". just thought i'd use a less usual term.

i noticed that lately i have been getting younger people posting comments. it's such a great refreshing change! and interestingly, as well as a little awkwardly, i find my blog appearing on their list of blogs they read too. and when i took a look... oooooo... i think i am one of the oldest blogger in their lists. in fact, no need to think, i AM (see! i hardly use bold capital letters in my blog and now i am doing it to emphasize it) the oldest... haha...

a typical profile of these new readers are (1) about half my age, (2) gay (3) malaysians (more than singaporeans) (4) mainly followers of 2-3 ardent bloggers!

and no, no, i am not complaining. in fact, i am more than pleased to be able to connect with them. i am thankful to them for allowing me the opportunity to look at the world through their lenses. lenses of a different generation and understanding things from a slightly different perspective. and of course, as a lao unker, i could possibly provide an older person perspective if need be (and certainly a few had been chatting with me via email since). then again, i don't think they need that la. or perhaps one or two who tend to be a little sad in their postings. but generally, i find the postings very lively. sometimes a bit of bitching here and there, but well, that is part of life right? it makes life all the more interesting.

it's certainly nice to be able to make friends and connect with young people!

:-)

ps: and of cos, i must mention here that i even had the great honour of hosting one of them to dinner and the singapore flyer! (after his short but "memorable" trip to the sauna)... haha... halo! u reading this? heh heh!

heat

no, if your imagination is running while, don't. i do not mean i am on "heat". i don't. heh heh... just that lately, i have been having mouth ulcers, dry lips and so on and i feel kinda uneasy inside me. the very "heaty" kinda feel... the kinda too much "yang" energy in me kinda feel, if you know what i mean. interestingly the whole idea of heatiness is not even found in the ang moh dictionary, so much so that the word "heaty" appears with the red wavy lines below when typed in doc format. it's a very chinese thingee i supposed...

ok, back to my heatiness. it must be due to the change in season and the new year period, with all the unhealthy cookies, nuts, bak kwa, etc... and all these made worst by my medication. think i am coming down with flu le! arghhh...

:-)

enlightening

just had a long talk with my dr friend again about mum. it was an enlightening talk. amidst all the tensions, the frenzy, mood swings, etc... going to the root cause, he suggested it could be becos mum did not like to be left alone at home, regardless of how long the duration was. and all the recent illness, new year, temple visits, fall, etc could have made her more stressed up.

that made a lot of sense.

under black magic

mum strongly believed that bee had used black magic spell and cast a spell on me. she believed that this spell is making me surrender all my (so-called) wealth, my house, and all my earnings to him and his mother. also, she believed that i go out of the house routinely to connive with him to harm/ kill her... even when i leave house for a hour for breakfast, she believed i went to meet up with him so as to work out a plan to kill her... and she lamented that all her children are bad and that we all have turned against her. this morning, she said that her whole life was bad, how my (late) dad had tortured her previously and how all her children, me inclusively are now also treating her badly and torturing her.

i had initially wanted to sent her to imh a&e and told my brother about it. he told me i should have done so earlier. also realized from my conversation with him that she had been telling him things that are either not true or that she told me not to tell (eg that my aunt visited her).

gave her a long one-hour run down of all the things all of us did toimpress her how much we had her in our heart, how we had looked after her and that we had her in our heart in all we did. but i don't think any of what i said got into her. she was just that hard headed that we (especially me) are out to get her at this point in time.

i am at my wits end.

called kl, my doctor friend, and he told me told increase her medication to calm her down. initially she refused to take, but after i told her it is her own medication, she finally took. now, she is totally avoiding me, not eating anything other than her white porridge. if this continue, i would really have no choice but to call the imh a&e. it would be in her best interest.

sighs...

discharged

wasted my one day sitting and waiting at the a&e department. just spoken with the doctor, no problems. mum's fit for discharge... x-ray however revealed a small crack on her little toe (supposedly due to the fall), would be fine with some painkillers. as for her breathlessness, it is nothing new. her regular medications should solve the issue. nonetheless, they will give her some steroids to help her breath better.

now awaiting the discharge admin processes and collection of her medications.

political pay

now that the wind has blown over, i would like to pen here some thoughts about what some of my private sector friends, who had travelled widely and whose views i respect given their experience and exposure to the system of various asian, european and american systems, had said about the outcome...

(1) the latest move was a total disaster to the country. my colleagues and friends from overseas were shocked to see us going backwards in this area! if there's one thing they admire about us was the way we pay our politicians and in the process, ensure our system is clean and efficient.

(2) recently, i went to india, and they wanted to built a 20km highway. after 15years, they managed to built only 10km of it, and it cost them 15billion dollars. even then, it was done so badly, the safety was questionable! reason? the many levels of political approval and the huge amount of monies that each level pocket along the way...

(3) come on people, get real! you sent your brightest to oxbridge and when they come back, you pay them peanuts while their fellow graduates from oxbridge are earning millions in the private sector! and you talk about sacrifice? get real! get real! what a joke!

(4) you pay peanuts, you get monkies in the government. period.

(5) you expect the population that comprises the heartlanders to debate on politician's pay? in the first place, your population is so sheltered they have no sense of realism about what's the market rate, be it in the commercial sector locally/ worldwide, or amongst politicians worldwide!

(6) i had initially high hopes in our opposition parties. but look at them in the debate on politician's pay! can't even get their facts right! what a disgrace! regretful! regretful!

(7) wah ranz!... pay them liddat and expect them to work on weekdays, listen to resident's problems on weeknights, carry babies and shake hands on weekends! in short, no personal life. even if i were offered such a job, i'd say thanks but no thanks!

(8) just look at the amount of perks, allowances, bribery, sidelines, etc overseas politicians enjoy. their published pay is nothing compared to their real income! and here, you bitch about the 1.1million clean wage. joke!

(9) the cut was simply too far and too deep! this is no good for singapore.

(10) i did a straw poll amongst my staff who are in their 20s to 30s. all of them like to bitch about the pay. but when i ask if any of them wants to be a politician, not a single one raised their hand...

well, my friends may not be the men-in-the-street per se given their exposure to the world and their seniority in their respective sectors. but they are certainly very hardcore singaporeans with no clear inclinations towards any specific political parties per se. to them, whatever work for singapore is the best solution, regardless of which political party the idea come from. before the last general elections, i noted they were not the best supporters of the ruling parties. but from their tone now, it seemed like they have seriously swung towards the ruling party and are quite vehement against the opposition party now. the current ruling party is certainly a victim of its own success.

the outcome on political pay is, to me, regretful. but the silver lining here is that as we go about scrutinizing the system and participating in a more open debate about how to tweak existing system moving ahead, the true colours/ capabilities, strength and weaknesses of policies, systems and political parties would be exposed.

it will be an interesting few years ahead before the next general elections.

investigation

shocked to read the news about the high profile investigations into 2 key persons locally. personally, I know one of them and we were in the same unit more than 25 years ago. we hardly kept in contact through the years and the last time i met him was 2 years back. when you know a person for so long, it didn't feel good to read such news. I have known him to be such an upright system person. if indeed he is found guilty, it must be due to a moment of folly. well, for whatever right or wrong he had done/ alleged to have done, and whatever the outcome may be, he must be going through a very difficult period now. i decided to sms him and wish him well.

the thing about the system is that it is a very unforgiving one. it does not and will not tolerate any mistakes, regardless of how many years of good one has contributed. and when the system/ organization bears its weight upon you, it can be overwhelmingly choking. and i was reminded of how my own organization weighed itself on me and punished me for my sexuality in 2005. sighs.

i empathize with my friend. i really do. on a personal level, i certainly wish the system would be more forgiving. yet, i know that in the interest of public accountability, high standards of public service and transparency, that machinery must be respected.

i wish him strength, i wish him well.