遺憾

別再說是誰的錯　讓一切成灰
除非放下心中的負累　一切難以挽回
你總愛讓往事跟隨　怕過去白費
你總以為要體會人生　就要多愛幾回

與其讓你在我懷中枯萎　寧願你犯錯後悔
讓你飛向夢中的世界　留我獨自傷悲
與其讓你在我愛中憔悴　寧願你受傷流淚
莫非要你嘗盡了苦悲　才懂真情可貴

should i?

feeling depressed again. unhealthy and suicidal thoughts are crossing my mind again today. lots of it. can't help it. very tight and choking feeling. feeling somewhat light headed, and i find myself being able to talk normally yet extremely sad at the same time. spoke with a friend this evening and he told me to seek medical help...

picture from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vincent_Willem_van_Gogh_002.jpg

lonely

i don't like feeling lonely.

peace

silent night, peaceful night...

lonely night...

我心爱的小马车

the song that had been ringing in my head for a very long time.

:-)

68.4

woke up this morning and decided to drop by the hospital to do my blood test. and since i was there, i thought it would be good to check my weight too.

68.4kg.

hmmm, has dropped further since 2 weeks back.

and that was my weight probably 5-8 years ago.

and this weight is even closer to my ideal bmi (or more accurately, 1.4kg shy of it).

i should be happy right?

hmmm...

what to do...

i know this posting is gonna sound one helluva crazy, but anyone has any ideas what to do over a long long long weekend? most straight people i know will be having family time, most gay people i know would be going for christmas parties, clubbing, chilling out with their friends, etc. and people that matter most to me are either dead, handicapped, overseas, or simply too preoccupied with their own priorities.

i am feeling very lost...

maybe i should just spent time with my dog.

:-(

devil's playground

i had been on leave since yesterday. and i will only head back to work after christmas. had planned my leave such that i would be able to have a long stretch of unbroken break to catch up with myself and to spend time with people that mattered most to me. but i guessed things did not turn out the way i wanted it to. one disappointment after another. it makes me depress. sighs...

and i was damn fucking bored today. and boredom has this very negative effect on my mind. my mind started wondering. and it added on to the depressed state of mind that i had been feeling since last evening. an idle mind is certainly a devil's playground. so, i decided to bleed and mutilate myself. no, what i meant was - go for my regular blood test and my haircut. need to check my cholesterol and sugar levels. and for my haircut, decided on a very very short hairstyle. well, not bald per se. but i need to do something, something to purge myself of whatever fucking depression that i have. going for a super short haircut has this cathartic effect on me. to a certain extent, it helps purge whatever psychological and/ or emotional pent-ups i have. to some people, the hair is a symbol of vanity. it adds on to the whole idea of self-ego. but to me, to be able to rob and destroy this very idea of vanity and self-ego/ self-pride actually contribute to my sense of self (ironically). in a way, i am in control and i have the power to destroy myself. hmmm, ok a little too dramatic.

anyway, the hairdresser was surprised when i told her, zero, go zero as much as you can. for the top, maximum i want is number 3. nothing more. and that was what she did... brrrrrrrrrr.... zip zap zip zap. clumps of hair started falling off my head. and in no time, i started feeling the cold aircon breeze blowing onto my scalp. my scalp started to go a little numb. i also felt lighter, literally, emotionally, psychologically, and all...

i walked out of the barber feeling a little better. not much, but still, better.

urgent case

went for my mri scan on my spine last week and didn't think much about it after that. last evening, i got 4 missed calls from the hospital. called back but the staff had knocked off. this morning the hospital called again. when i answered, the nurse went "oh hi mr sim, we got your mri results and the doctor needs to see you urgently. will you be able to come down on 4 jan? once i firm the time, i will call you again"...

i said yes, and she hung up... less than 5 min later, she returned the call, "oh hi again, mr sim, i have firmed the time at 3.15pm, but because yours is an urgent case and inserted amongst all the pre-fixed appointments. so you must be prepared to wait ok? could possibly be up to an hour or two..."

i said ok, we hung up and it got me thinking - huh? urgent case? wtf! what so urgent? is it becos the findings is bad and it is urgent or is it becos the mri was brought forward and thus the insertion is deemed urgent? so i asked 2 of my doctor friends. and both came back with the same answer - results is abnormal. something is not right. can be anything. need to see doctor.

now, am i supposed to be worried?

hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

trust & commitment

this is gonna be a controversial post.

as i reflected about relationship and centered the reflections on the issue of sex and relationships, i was also cognisant of the fact that the crux of it all was the issue of "self". that is, what's in it for me? yes, the human critter is a self-obsessed, self-centric one. everything we do, or we try to make people do all contributes to our own self-preservation. and in the context where there is more than 1 party (eg a couple), how one person respond to the other person is also always about - so what does it mean to me?... it's a very me, me, me kinda of thing. for example, in a relationship where one seeks sex from another person, a natural response from his partner would be to resist, to make a fuss, to be drama. my view is that it is not the act of sex per se, rather, the partner's resistance and drama is the perceived loss that he would suffer eventually. that is to say, it is all about his own insecurities, his own sense of loss (loss or potential loss of security, face, dignity, finances, etc).

and if there is the element of trust and commitment established, somehow, the drama will be very much less, or for that matter, the cause of the drama becomes a non-issue. haven't we heard enough of - "if he has sex outside, it's ok lor, as long as he comes home..." my own personal experiences with my friends suggests that as a couple stays long enough with one another, one party will try to push the boundary to either have a third party or to have an open relationship. then all hell would break loose. but after trying out for a while and things are still ok, both party will naturally live and let live, even if one party looks for sex outside.

what do you think?

sex & relationships

chatted with a long time friend yesterday and he shared with me that he would be meeting up with some people for sex. and interestingly enough, some of the people he will be having sex with are attached and their partners are ok with it. so i thought i'd write something about the different types of relationships i have come across thus far in my 15 over years of experience as a gay person...

• one-night-stands (ons) - no strings attached. purely sexual. 2 parties come together to fulfil each other's sexual needs and that's it. not further contact. anyway, for some people, ons's do develop to many night stands, eventually leading to more in-depth relationships such as fuck buddy, or others as described below.

• fucky buddy/ sex buddy - no strings attached. 2 parties come together to fulfil each other's sexual needs. no emotions involved. the responsibility of one party to the other is to be there when the other party has the need to fulfil his sexual urge.

• friends who have sex - no strings attached. parties involved are friends but are comfortable enough to have sex. nothing pre-arranged nor are there any specific obligations to each other where sexual gratifications are concerned. if it happens, it happens. similar concept may be seen in persons who may be of differing age/ social status such as those seen in goddad/ godson, godbro/ godbro, bff/ bff, etc relationships.

• strictly monogamous - strictly one-on-one (100%) (also referred to by some as true monogamy [in which case, i cringed cos it suggests there are "untrue" monogamy... haha]) where sexual relationship are concerned. such a relationship is idealized by the straight world and that everyone claims their relationship is. and incidentally, such a relationship is what most couples claim they are having. then again, whether their relationship is really strictly monogamous or perceived strict monogamy, i am not sure. frankly, my personal opinion is that this is overrated and that this type of relationship is something new lovers/ couples try to impose on themselves. but as a whole, i think it is quite rare (and i dare say even amongst straight people).

• monogamous - one-on-one where sexual relationship between a couple. however, there could possibly be moments of folly and ons are sought once in a blue blue moon. key to this (as opposed to the one below is that the attitude of each party towards sex is still inclined towards being wholly faithful to his partner sexually). this is probably prevalent amongst most people who especially in their early few years of their relationship.

• don't ask, don't tell - supposedly one-on-one but generally don't ask further and leaving the opposite party the flexibility to do as he pleases (in a way, some will call it semi-monogamous). i think this one is most prevalent amongst gay couples who are very stable in their relationship. and so, whether the other party seeks sex outside the relationship or not become immaterial as long as he comes home to his partner.

• part-open relationship - going a little further than "don't ask, don't tell" (well, if you ask me, the line is very grey). but put simply, one party kinda knows the other is having sexual relations with others outside the relationship but choose to leave it as it is as he is confident that these are just no strings attached flings, and that his partner will come home to him no matter what.

• (fully) open relationship - both parties openly acknowledge and accept that sex is a need and that they are ok for both to openly seek sexual gratification from outside the relationship as long as they do not get emotionally involved and that they come home to each other. i do know friends who are in such relationships and are very comfortable about it. and interestingly enough, they do practise safe-sex as part of the so-called responsibility to their partners. interesting right?

• 3-way relationship - there are 3 persons in the relationship. this is a tricky and often difficult one given that it is not often that one can treat the other 2 equally, and even if one can, there is nothing to stop the other two from perceiving that was not the case. and so, very often one of the three will get jealous and eventually the 3-way relationship falls apart.

• 4-way relationship - as above, except that it now involves 4 persons. lagi more tricky...

interesting permutation between the level of emotions and physical act of sex that results in a range of different type of relationship types. and well, there is really no need to place any moral judgement on any of the people involved in these different types of relationship cos ultimately it really depends on what works for the couple/ people involved. as long as they are happy, who are we to comment.

i would also like to propose further that these different outcomes in relationship type is a true reflection of the human natural sexual instincts and that also exists similarly in the straight world. the only difference in the straight world is that much of these are hidden and not spoken of and that almost all of these are hidden behind the so called institution of marriage (which to me is a little too simplistic and naive). of course, what i wrote above is only about the possible relationships amongst men. i have not even started on bisexuals, transexuals, etc... things will get super complicated with we go there... mmf, mff, mmft, mfft, mftt, etc hahaha...

right?

ps: and for the curious few who want to ask what is my relationship like with my bee, please don't. don't even bother. i won't answer. this post is meant to be reflective and not personal. most importantly, i do also want to observe a certain level of privacy about myself/ me and my bee.

picture from http://aisforteenagedream.blogspot.com/2011/06/power-of-relationship.html

love

can a person's heart be big enough to love 2, 3, or 4 persons at one time?

what do you think?

dong zhi 2011

didn't even realize today is dong zhi until bee told me about it yesterday. and so he came over this morning with a packet of mini-tang yuan and some pandan leaves. managed to cook it for mum and bee. simple fare but i supposed the tradition and the meaning in having tang yuan on dong zhi is the most important...

:-)

complaining mum

haha... think my mum is getting used to the rehab center. decide to pick her up yesterday and she was sharing with me that some of the rehab people complained that the program was boring and asked to go home prematurely. also, one of the people also told her that she would have preferred to stay at home cos she was bored. and as for mum herself, she said she was not able to do so, if not, she would have done the same. and she also complained that the food was not too nice. she complained that the winter melon in the soup was too soggy. and that it did not go very well with the porridge.

hmmm... think she has gotten comfortable with the place. and from that perspective, it was a good thing.

:-)

demise of ms oranda

yesterday, i bade farewell to ms oranda, one of my 2 remaining goldfishes. she (yet again, i am assuming it was a she) passed away peacefully sometime in the afternoon when i was at work. and with her passing, i only have mr ranchu left in the tank.

you see, in the morning, when i was about to head to work, i found her lying at her favourite spot again - on the filtration pump. and this time round, instead of lying upside down like what she liked to do when she slept, she was lying on her side. i knocked on the glass lightly and she moved a little, a feeble movement. i knew she was a gonna that very moment.

when i came back from work, she was motionless... hmmm... and so i lifted her up from the spot and threw her away (unceremoniously)...

goodbye ms oranda.

for now, it is mr ranchu by himself.

i don't think i will be topping up the tank with more fishes.

really moved on?

it struck me today that i have indeed really really moved on... or have i? heh heh...

you see, what happened was at about 6.30pm today, i recieved and sms from james wishing me happy birthday. and he apologized for being late as he was overseas. he explained that he was using another sim card and that he had not copied quite a few numbers over (yup, my number! he was diplomatic. ha!).

and my first reaction was - huh? oh! oh! ok! oh my, i did not even notice that he did not wish me. and i replied "no worries". i must admit that in the past many years, whenever it came to my birthday, i would somehow be waiting for him to sms me. but somehow this year, i did not. was it because i have really moved on? or perhaps, it was because birthdays are no longer any big deal to me... or perhaps during my birthday, i was just darned disturbed and down mentally to even notice who wished or who did not wish...

well, whichever the reasons, i am just so glad to recieve his sms. and am really very happy and very touched that he remembered. it gave me a very very warm glow and feel in my heart. yes, he remembered.

thanks james!

无所有

放下一切 成为一切
我就是花朵 水滴 晨云

restless blah

feeling restless and feeling blah...

have arranged for my mum to be fetched and sent to and from the rehab center daily. and for the next few days, i thought it would be important to oversee the fetching and sending. tomorrow, i will be bringing mum down to wait for the bus. and for the afternoon, i have asked my sis to be around to recieve her when the bus arrives.

then i get all sorts of smses from her asking whether i can arrange for the rehab center bus to bring her up home, whether this or that... thing is, she always tries to push away things like this. while i have time and again tried not to judge her, i find myself getting increasingly impatient with her. everytime she pushes away things like this, her reasons would always be from a very self-centric angle. i am holding back as much as i can.

and i am feeling unhappy. so far, it seemed like my brother has pushed away my mum, and then my eldest sis, and now my second sis. just don't like how things are developing...

and for now, i am feeling very restless. and very blah...

think i am just venting becos i am very hungry now...

ok, time to go for dinner.

updating my resume

i am currently updating my resume. damned! very challenging! seemed like there are so many things i could write given the many many many projects and major initiatives i have put in place over the span of the last 1.5 years or so. then again, i need to be focused and write what is most needed. cannot have verbal diarrhea in my resume. ok, shall not rush and take my time. after all, the job market is expected to take a turn for the worst. so, better not rush. cannot be emotional about it now...

picture from http://www.bestsampleresume.com/resume-wizard.html

mum's rehab

mum's rehab started today.

this morning, she was so kancheong she woke me up, wash her clothes, pack up her stuff and asked me to bring her to the center at 7am. this despite the fact that i had already told her last night that we would only leave home at about 8.30-9am.

sighs...

anyway, we did not leave house until 9am. she insisted she did not need to wheelchair. we arrived at the rehab center, she walked halfway and the center staff had to quickly get her a wheelchair. well... the morning went fine. her blood pressure was taken, afterwhich she was given her morning tea before they started her off on some cycling and hand exercises. she did all of it enthusiastically... i left her late morning and will be picking her up late afternoon. let's just hope she does not come home later and complain of body aches tomorrow!

so far so good.

:-)

uninterrupted sleep

for the last 2 nights, despite waking up durng the early parts of the night, i was able to sustain uninterrupted deep sleep that last at least 4 hours before daybreak. have not been able to achieve this level of rest for a long long time.

and that is a very good thing.

:-)

picture from http://pethilarity.tumblr.com/post/4925804920/sleeping-bunnies

korean food 2

decided to head for korean food again tonight.

heh heh...

:-)

korean food

my friends bought me korean dinner tonight. simple korean fare. no major drama mama of sorts. casserole and pancake. it was good to see them and very nice to be able to catch up again. simple evening that ended with a quick walkabout at chinatown and then for drinks at marina mandarin. yup, i have this liking for korean food. but for tonight, i guess it was the company that matters.

:-)

45

read willie's blog earlier and he reflected about turning 35 (he turned 35 yesterday)... and he shared how significant it was for him to be crossing the halfway mark. and as for me... well, i just turned 45 a couple of minutes ago. and by willie's projection of 70 as the end, i am well over the halfway mark! closer to the 3/4 mark! (actually i consider 65 to be my end point) hahaha... and reflecting, it seemed like i am able to see the forward journey much clearer than the last 45 years. afterall, 20 years is not too long a time. i am reminded of my reflections when my dad passed away, where i was able to see my past and sensed what was to come ahead. weird hor... well, at 45, really, everyday is the same. things have slowed down, i have mellowed, the fire is weaker, i drink coffee more than i drink liquor, i tend to want to pamper myself, i am even more reflective, i learn to take things slow, a lot slower, i am less impatient, i am more spiritual, i am more culturally aware, i am more rooted, i tend to resist change more...

in another words, i am 45 years young.

:-)

mri scan

did my mri scan this evening. didn't like the experience. in fact, the whole experience of going the changi general hospital at night reminded me of the very evening when i had to accompany my dad's body to the mortuary 3 years ago. anyway, my visit to the radiology (or was it radiography? whatever) department was somewhat of a replay of my previous visits there. had been there for one too many x-ray, mri, ct scans etc. this time round, it was for my back. had been experiencing the pain for the last 4 months plus.

i think the radiologist (or radiographer? again... whatever) knew i had gone through these procedures before cos unlike previous times where i was briefed on what to expect, what to do, etc, this time round, he did not say much, except to ask me to remove all metallic objects on my body, change into my hospital gown and quickly asked me to lie down onto the machine. and before i knew it, i was subject to all sorts of waves invading my body... despite wearing the ear mufflers, the noise from the machine was terrible. it sounded like some trance music and it blasted almost non-stop. i must stay still i reminded myself. i must relax. and so, i close my eyes almost through the whole process. i imagined i was in a club. at some point in time, i suspected i dozed off...

it lasted about 25min but it seemed forever.

and before i knew it, the guy came up to me, and told me i could leave.

(for a short moment, i suspected he was gay, don't ask me why, gaydar perhaps)

anyway... back to my back. still very painful. hope to resolve it soon.

boom!

the tyres of my car seemed rather flat of late (over the last month or so actually). and i had been pumping in air to get it inflated. i suspected there could be a puncture somewhere but could not see any nails.

this evening, while washing my car after my mri scan, i noted that the tyre was flat again. and so i decided to head to the petrol kiosk to inflate the tyre again. it was really flat this time round. i inserted the nozzle and pump the air. true enough, the pressure was like 20-55... hmmm... that was way below the norm of 200-220 that i usually maintain... and so i squatted there, pumping the tyre. and then next thing i knew... boom!

the explosion startled me. i almost fell backwards. but my first instinct was to run away. everyone at the petrol kiosk turned and stared at me. it seemed like the whole world came to a stand still... and all i could do was to sheepishly look at everyone, smile and hide behind my car. quickly, i took out my spare tyre, changed it (took my almost half an hour!) and came home straight away. there was indeed a nail stuck in the burst tyres. and the thread on the innerside of the tyre was so worn out the metal mesh was almost visible. thank goodness it happened tonight. if it had happened on the road when i have passengers in my car, i cannot imagine the consequences. i may be ready to go anytime, but it would be so unfair to bring people along with me in such situations.

i was all sweaty and dirty by the time i got home...

haha!

elderly rehab center

things moved very fast today. checked my phone after doing my marketing and realized i had 2 missed call. returned the call. it was from the elderly rehab center. told me i need to bring mum down for an assessment during any weekday afternoon.

i did so right away. was impressed by the professionalism and friendliness of the staff. and was very happy that mum responded well to them. she was not afraid of them and they made her feel at ease almost immediately. it helped by the fact that the staff were largely malay/ malay-speaking and mum felt at ease straightaway.

the physiotherapist was also very professional. asked a series of questions to test mum's memory and managed to make her talk. it was a casual and easy conversation and in no time, together with all the staff around, mum was laughing and giggling away. they even managed to make her walk around, test the stair climbing, etc. quite a nice change for once. and finally when asked about when she would like to start the rehab treatment, mum responded that she wanted to do so right this coming monday. she sounded very enthusiastic.

and that enthusiasm in itself was a nice change.

looking forward to monday.

my suicide plans

have never told anyone about this before. if you are freaked out by death, don't read on. the following are 4 specific plans that i have planned before with regards how i will end my life.

• plan a: i will find myself a high place (actually no need too high but high enough) and i will simply, jump... simple. fastest way to go.

• plan b: i will be driving and speeding as fast as i could. then, i will close my eyes and release my hands from the steering wheel.

• plan c: i will be driving and speeding as fast as i could. then i will open the door and throw myself out of my car.

• plan d: i will simply go to a highway. then i will close my eyes and dash across the road.

and frankly, i have tried plan c before. only reason why i am still here was that the person in the car pulled me in before i could fully throw myself out. and amongst all these plans, plan a is the surest to succeed and the one that have been playing through my mind very frequently in recent years/ months/ weeks/ days. in fact, when i stand at my window or balcony, i sometimes feel the tendency to jump. as for all the other plans, all has the disadvantage of me not achieving death...

ok, enough of such talk. just wanna put them into writing here.

and hey, i am not pantang to talk about death.

picture from http://www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/an-alert-against-suicide-1.jpg

what to eat?

these couple of evenings, i get smses from a couple of my closer friends asking me what i would like to eat this coming sat. heh heh... not often do i get this kinda attention. feels good. then again, damned, am feeding my own ego again!

haha!

sms etiquette

in this post, i shall reflect about my thoughts about sms etiquette. most people will say things like being clear in the message, use less shortforms, etc. these are all correct answers. and if i may add, it is also about keeping the conversation going. it is about timely responses.

think about this, do you have friends who do not reply smses? or reply a day or two later? how do you feel about it? some of you may be ok with it, but for some, it may be rather irksome. and some of you may justify it as "well, it's a habit". but to me, beyond a certain point, it's no longer about a person's habit, it reflects the person's lack of respect for other people. timely responses to smses is a form of basic courtesy and respect. you reply as a show of respect to the other person. and if you do not have the time, you should at least reply with a "ttyl" or something along that line. right?

it is no different from holding a conversation. you do not leave a person hanging. and in the context of sms, the sms is but a medium through which a conversation is carried out. and if you respect a person, you will give a quick enough respond and keep the conversation going. and if you reply late for whatever reasons, you apologize. you don't take for granted that you have all the time in the world to reply. such attitudes has no place where interpersonal skills are concerned. it's no different from face-to-face conversation.

bottomline, you have to recognize that when people sends an sms, people wants to communicate. ok, ok, communicate is probably too large a word. rephrase - people wants to say something or to have a conversation. and from this perspective, it is important for the receiver to acknowledge or to respond promptly enough for the conversation to flow. no? always have tensions with people who either respond too late or do not respond at all. and worst still, for some people who do not respond, yet expect you to know what they are thinking about and be sensitive to their needs.

anyone any thoughts?

picture from http://ignite4god.com/sms/

francis

had a very long chat with francis via whatsapp last evening... lots of sharing. it started off with him trying to discourage me from deleting my facebook account. and it ended with us talking about a lot of other stuffs.

it is always so nice to have good friends to drop by and say hello!

:-)

mri mri mri

got 5 missed calls from the hospital this morning. and later, when they called again, the staff told me my mri appointment has been brought forward from next feb to this fri 16 dec. very efficient huh? should i be happy?

well, at least i need not wait for 2 more months...

insomnia again

does anyone know how to cure insomnia... have not been able to sleep over the last 2-3 weeks. even when i finally doze off, i would wake up every half hour or so.

of cos, from a half full perspective, i get to enjoy the quiet of the night.

picture from http://rialiseimc.wordpress.com/2009/08/11/top-10-poems-about-insomnia/

sub-70

the last time i weigh myself at the hospital, i have dropped to just below 70kg...

haha! have lost over 7kgs thus far over the last half year...

with more than a kg lost just over the past 2 weeks.

is this good?

optimistically speaking, it means i am moving towards my ideal bmi...

a dog

is a man's best friend.

how true.

how very true.

sometimes, it is thoughts of sapphie that prevented me from making the final dash...

x-ray

finally went for my medical appt this afternoon for my bad back. terribly painful since jul. the x-ray showed everything to be normal and the doctor could not really explain the pain. so i will be put through the mri for a more detailed test in feb 12. gonna cost me a bomb. and in the meantime, i will have to undergo physiotherapy to try to clear the pain.

let's hope it's nothing big...

damned grandmother

was at the foodcourt earlier and there was this 3-tier family having dinner. the grands were in their 60s, parents in their 30s and the grandchildren (a boy and a girl) about 4-6 years old. and this was what a grandmother told her old granddaughter (who is probably no more than 5 years old) "your grandfather says he wants to rape you..." and she said it in a very normal nonchalant manner... and the conversation tapered off...

wtf right?

totally salah!

dementia

these days, i constantly worry about my mum - a person with dementia who is at the same time suffering from paranoia and depression. at work, whenever i call her handphone and it is not on or she does not answer, i will drop all things and rush home. and often when i reach home, i will find her either throwing tantrums or that she had switched off her handphone. and when i am at home, she will keep asking me about this and that and many a times, the questions are all very illogical and repetitive. it can get very irksome and can really get to me. also, her fear of people wanting to harm her is totally illogical. she needs to close and lock all doors, even at my 6th floor, she suspects people will climb into the house from downstairs. it's very tiring.

at times, i really hope this phase of dementia would quickly pass and that she will hit a state where she will just keep quiet. then again, i am simply venting. can really die if i were to go through all these nonsense of hers day in day out and many a times, i really do not want to come home. to have a home that i cannot come back to is something not many people can understand.

sighs...

45

i'll be 45 in less than a week's time and i am seriously wondering wtf i have achieved in life. perhaps to some i have achieved a lot, but to me, it feels like i have wasted a whole lot of my life doing a whole lot of work/ chasing after people and things that would not really matter to me moving ahead...

or was it so? hmmm...

i need to reconnect with my purpose in life.

ps: 45 is counted from my date of human birth. but i am only 15 if counted from the date of my gay birth aka coming out. and frankly, i think i have matured a lot more as a gay person than compared to me as a person person... then again, who cares right?

picture from http://bestwallpapershut.blogspot.com/2011/07/free-birthday-cake-and-candles-desktop.html

jaded

every so often, a part of me dies. and over time, the heart gets hardened. but it is not something i want to. i have consciously resisted such effects. i cannot deny myself my desire and my ability to love, to care and to pamper. i only have to learn better to do it without expectations.

fb no more

in may, i blocked all the people in my facebook friend-list and only open my postings to some closer friends. and today, i deleted my account (yes delete, not deactivate). i have 14 days to review my decision and if i do not log in within the next 14 days, my account will be deleted for good. looking forward to that day.

i should live a real life and not live a cyber life.

can money buy love?

what do you think?

december!

omfg! i have been so busy and so self-engrossed that i had forgotten that it is already december! each year at this time, i would be in a reflective mood and think about what happened the past year. and i would also think about how i should christen the year. i better start thinking about it. some quick off the cuff names for a start...

• year of challenges
• year of growth
• year of lessons
• year of difficulties
• year of ...

ok, time to think hard...

on leave

had to clear my dec leave. but as usual, i ended up doing work at home. but well, managed to take some time off to have tea with an old friend. told him about my recent tensions - work, family, etc... and he was like - wtf! let go, get out of the house, get some fresh air, go meet more people, don't be so stressed up.

i supposed he is right...

self-indulgent

was at a friend's place for tea yesterday and i recalled him telling me that his blog was a little too self-indulgent. when i read it, i was like - ooooo, come on... that was nothing compared to my blog... in fact, compared to what he blogged, mine would be considered self-obsession... haha... i guess many of us (or perhaps all of us) tend to be very self-centered. we always see things from the "me, me, me" perspective (and that is very riz low and very singaporean). and ever so often, there would be this tendency to be attached to our own self-ego, our face, etc.

reflecting on my past couple of weeks, i acknowledged i had been too engrossed in my own self. i did things to people, and for people to make myself happy. and i get upset when people gets angry/ when my expectations were not met. i end up blaming myself. and i see this pattern being repeated in the context of work, personal life, home, etc... eg when my boss get angry with bad results, he did not see my efforts, he saw my failure, and i get upset, i see it as a failure on my part, etc when i do things for people, i expect returns, when i do not get the returns, my expectations were not met, i get upset, the returns did not commensurate with my efforts. crux of all these was - my ego was bruised.

bottom of it all was - it was about me. that is no good at all.

yes, i have to rise above all these. there are always ways to see things from a half-full perspective rather than a half-empty perspective. in the context of work, when you have done your best and things still fail, you must accept that it could be a system issue, legacy issue, etc and not necessarily be becos of you. key to it all is the fact that i must try to remove the element of "self" if all these equations. it is not about being irresponsibile, rather, it is about trying my best. and as long as i have tried my best, i should not and must not expect any returns to feed on my ego.

thank you

thank you all who have been here posting words of encouragement over the past weeks. it's been really tough for me on all fronts in recent weeks. and it has been really really strangling. admittedly, i have wallowed and dwelled in my sorrows a tat too long. at some point in time, i really really was at the verge of leaving this world for good. i think i will need to take control and snap out of it.

i am not sure if i can do it in such a clean cut manner. but i shall and i will try. i may falter but i will push on.

thanks again.

choices

i have a choice. to be happy.

i need to snap out of my current mindset.
i must make the efforts.

i need to identify the source of my unhappiness.
i must reflect on it.

i need to stop letting people control me.
i must let go, i must be more confident of myself.

i need to stop letting my bosses affect my moods.
i must be thick skin.

i need to stop letting situations make me upset.
i must take control and/ or walk away.

i need to stop letting work bog me down.
i must recognize that for things to work, it will take time.

i need to be less punishing on myself.
i must forgive myself.

i need to make the efforts to be happy.
i must think happy thoughts.

i need to harness positive energies.
i must exercise, stay healthy and be positive.

i need to reconnect with my spiritual self.
i must restart my meditation practice.

i need to stop believing that happiness is defined by my surrounding and people around me.
no, happiness comes from within.
it is not about what people do, it is about what i do.
and it must be without expectations.

. selflessness .

. altruism .

. compassion .

. love .

. understanding .

. wisdom .

i have a choice. i can be happy.

and i must start now.

mid-life crisis

is what i am experiencing called mid-life crisis?

hmmm... but i don't believe so.

mid-life crisis are for people for are successful yet feel aimless and lost. for me, i am literally living on a monthly deficit with all the loans, bills and mounting expenses from my mum's medical condition. i don't even have 6 months of savings to tide me over to the next job if and when i change job. my house now is not a home, in fact, it seemed more like a jail... it is draining me financially every month. and everyday, i come back to loads of negative energies from my mum. she is no longer a sane person. she lives in her past. and she throws tantrums and wallows all the time. the concept of time does not apply to her anymore. today is yesterday, today is tomorrow, past is present, present is past. it is just so draining.

so i cannot consider myself to be successful, not with all these stresses and not with my current financial status point of view.

sighs...

life

has no meaning

at this point in time...

interest, lack of it

was at bugis and as i browsed around the stuff, it struck me... i really have no interest in anything! really. nothing interests me at all! not the clothes, not the displays, not the toiletries, not the perfumes... in fact, really really nothing at all! i felt really really detached from all these things. everything seemed so materialistic to me... and in a weird way, i really really felt i have lost all sense of interest in the world, in my life, in the things around me.

it felt weird. for that moment, the thought of withdrawing from the world struck me. for that moment, i wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. for that moment, i thought - hmmm... perhaps i should just enter monkhood and detach myself from all worldly things...

it seemed that all positive energies have disappeared.

what is happening to me?

ps: the thought of monkhood is real, but the motivation of wanting to be a monk becos i have lost interest in things is really wrong. no?