trip to no where

today, bee, mum and i made a trip to malaysia and we made a trip to no where... yup. we literally made a trip to no where.

all i wanted to do was to drive mum up north and i had no specific plans. well of course, i had initially wanted to head to melaka, but i wanted to take things easy. no stress. and so, by the time we started the journey, the time available probably only allowed us to fart around in jb. bee said he wanted to buy some local "pong piah" while there. and so i thought i would head to air hitam instead as i vaguely had the impression that they sell lots of local delights there. but after entering malaysia and getting into all the checks etc, it was quite late and i decided to head to senai for late lunch instead. i drove them to the resort there where we had japanese lunch. it was kinda interesting but bee commented that that was the first time he saw a person don a kimono and wearing a tudung at the same time. yup, malaysia alright. and as we order, bee realized that there was just that many items we could order given that i was supposed to keep off poutry, tofu and so on whereas mum do not take beek or mutton. so in the end, we had lots of fish, soba, tempura, as well as sushi...

i had forgotten about the "pong piah" by the time we finished our lunch and i was reminded of it again when bee brought it up as i drove out of the resort. so, i did a turn and made my way up to air hitam instead. arrived there, walked around, found lots of ceramic stuffs but no "pong piah" and decided to drive back singapore. so... yup, we travelled 100km to find "pong piah" and then to drive back again empty handed. heh heh...

got into super long jam, queue for an hour and a half before we ended up in singapore again. so... yup, we went to malaysia and we went to no where. but well, as i said, psychologically (especially to mum), we had gone out of the country and for a short getaway. that is the most important. and for me, i had the whole day to chat with mum and that in itself, was priceless.

:-)

damned malaysian immigration

my trip to malaysia with mum today was marred by 2 incidents. and interestingly, these 2 incidents occurred at the malaysian immigration checkpoints and they both involved their immigration personnel. and the personnel involved in both cases were in their late-20s/early-30s, males, and malay.

you see, as we entered malaysia this morning, we had to pass our passports to the immigration officer to stamp. i dutifully did so. the immigration officer looked at us with a face like macam we owe him lots of favours, and asked where we were going. "melaka" i said. "for what?" he asked. "jalan jalan and have lunch" i said. "go melaka to have lunch. you very free right?" he asked in malay. he asked me if i would like to buy more white cards (immigration cards)? hmmmm... tricky, if i said no, he would probably ask more questions and delay us (that was my assumption). and if i were to say yes, he would probably ask for some money... with my mum in my car, i really did not wish for this to prolong. i said ok, and he said it would be 10 ringgit. he passed me back only one passport (out of the 3) and asked that i insert the money into the passport and hand it back to him. only then will he return me the other 2 passports. he was careful to remind me to insert the money fully into the passport. i placed 5 ringgit. he looked at it, looked unhappy and asked for 10 ringgit. i relented and he handed me back our passports together with a huge stack of immigration cards. not too sure if there was any conniving with the customs, but it was really a smooth ride for us after that. no further checks. it was smooth sailing.

for the second incident when i was heading back, it went something like this. the queue to the immigration counter was several km long and we had to queue for more than 1.5hrs before reaching the counter. about half of the total lanes were in operations and for each counter, there was space for 3 cars. i saw an empty lot in front of one of the lanes and drove to it. there was 2 other malaysian cars in front of me. the immigration officer cleared them within seconds. and when i drove up to him, he looked at his watch, stared at me and half shouted at me - "ooi, balik! balik! kaunter sudah tutup" how rude to address me as such i thought and wtf! where and when did he indicate the lane had closed... or perhaps he decided it was closed after deciding it was time to knock off? i acted blur and asked if i should proceed ahead (wondering if there were any further immigration counters in front). looking crossed and impatient, he replied curtly, tidak ada! tidak ada! gostan! gostan! and waved furiously for me to reverse my car. wtf right! i thought if he wanted to close the lane, he would have at least gone back and close the lane first so that no one can join in the queue. then again, i decided it was just not worth the effort to pursue. i reversed and joined in another lane...

frankly, with this kind of people in the civil service, malaysia can only progress this 'fast'. quite pitiful considering that malaysia is such a great and beautiful country that has so much potential. but then again, i supposed it will take time and a total change in their attitude before anything can happen. i was just so glad to get back to singapore. no bribing, no unreasonable officers. and more importantly, where things were efficiently executed.

and with a smile.

establishing trust

when you talk to an elderly, be candid, tackle the issue, do not try to hide. see things from their point of view and make sure you do not allow any opportunities to occur whereby the elderly can misunderstand you.

that was the message i iterated to bee today.

you see, bee and i brought mum out to johor today. before heading up, i asked mum to wear diapers. and by the end of the day, her diapers was heavy with urine. and given that she had to frequently get in and out of the car and sit on the wheelchair, some of the urine spilled onto the wheelchair as well as on the car seat. naturally, the stench of urine fill part of the car, particularly at the back of the car closest to the boot where i kept the wheelchair.

bee felt uneasy and used mandarin to tell me about the stench. candidly, i would tell my mum about the stench and how bee was able to smell it, etc. bee was not happy about it. to him, by using mandarin, he was trying not to upset mum. he did not see my point of view to assure mum that we are ok with it. to me, i do not take mum to be a fool. i was sure she was aware of the stench. i was sure she might possibly feel apologetic about it. i was sure she can see, sense, hear and sensemake what we were talking about to some extend. and so from this perspective, i have to make sure nothing gets misunderstood. to me, her tensions with my sis-in-law was, to a large part, due to the fact that my sis-in-law speaks in mandarin (she was from china). and her inability to fully communicate with mum resulted in a deep sense of distrust on my mum's part. i do not want to see the same happen between bee and mum.

in fact, i explained to bee that he should use such opportunities to built confidence. talk about it. bring it up candidly. assure her that he is ok with it. assure her that it can be cleaned and managed easily. put mum at ease. and if he can do all these, it would assure mum. it would built her confidence. it would bridge the current polite gap that still exist between them. and it would certainly help me manage mum's ability to be comfortable with bee.

there are lessons to be learned. the intentions may be good but more importantly, it is the perception that one needs to manage. it is about seeing things from the other person's point of view. cos if this is not well managed, no amount of good intentions can sustain or built a relationship.

dignity

i told my mum i would drive her to malaysia today after my medical review. she was pretty excited about it. and as part of the preparations, i suggested that she wear diapers too so that we would not be caught in a situation where we could not find a toilet when she needs to ease herself or when we were caught in a traffic jam. she agreed.

she went into her room to put on her diapers happily. when she did not emerge some 5mins later, i got a little uneasy. there was no sound from her room and so i knocked on her door. she replied that she was still trying to put on her diapers. i asked if she needed help and she replied yes. i pushed her door open and saw her trying very hard to wear her diapers. worst of all, the adhesive tapes of the diapers had been badly torn and no longer usable. yet she was desperately trying hard to pull the flaps together. i felt very sad seeing her in this state. i was not embarrassed by the fact that she was lying in bed naked waist down. i saw a sickly old woman lying there struggling and i rushed in to help her. i pulled out the spoilt diaper and change a new one. she allowed me to help her and in no time, i got her ready.

i helped her through the whole process with a very straight face and in a manner like what a nurse would do. noting her difficulties, i asked how she managed to do it before her bedtime in the past couple of days when she put up with me. she said "chin chai cheng" (haphazzardly). i was acutely aware of the possible embarrassment she would feel given that i am a man. yet, on the other hand, i was happy by the fact that she trusted me to help her undertake such a task. knowing my mum, apart from me, there is already no other person in this world whom she can trust.

and so this evening, before she went to bed, i made it a point to ask her if she needed me to help her with the diapers as i put her to bed. this will be a new routine for me henceforth.

medical review

went for my medical review this morning. and felt rather pai seh to tell the nurse that i had not been exercising regularly. other than that, everything seemed perfect. my weight had dropped from 75kg to 71.3kg. 4kg more to loose to hit my optimal bmi. as for pulse rate and blood pressure, within perfect range. and as for my breathe test (cannot recall the name of the test, other than i was suppose to blow into a tube to check the power of my lungs), the readings had improved. with such good results, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health and that i could go back 6-months later rather than the usual 4-months.

:-)

ps: interestingly, i told the doctor i had stopped my cholesterol medication for the past 2-3 months since i started my tcm treatment and he was pretty fine with it. to him, what is important is that my long drawn cough and runny nose issues have improved. it didn't matter if it was western medicine or tcm (particularly since all western interventions have not worked). he even gave me a possible explanation of how tcm could have worked for me!

she can crawl!

my niece can finally crawl! she started crawling 3 days ago and i saw it with my own eyes yesterday! it's so cute to see her crawl!

:-)

reflecting 2000

it's been 6 years and slightly more than 4 months to reach where i am here in this blog. 2000 posts in all. then again, to be accurate, the 2000 post mark had been reached probably last month if not for the fact that becos of my being outed in 2005 by the armed forces, i actually deleted quite a lot of posts in fridae (which many of my reflections were posted before i started using blogger...) in my feeble attempt to mask my online presence. nonetheless to me, this 2000-mark is still a significant one. blogging to me is a very reflective process and i have learned much from my blogs and have made a point to do so as early as 2008 when i hit my 300th post. my ability to reflect on my posting trends was further assisted when blogger started the tagging capability. (i actually spend a long time thinking of what and how to tag and eventually stabilized at what i have in the current list here). reading my past blogs and looking at the trends had contributed much to my own self-awareness and this in turn helped me improve my own self-development journey.

i looked at the stats yesterday and reflected.

wtf vs lol/ relax - hmmm...  yes, looking at the statistics, the highest score for the number of tags went to the "wtf" category. for me, i would use the "wtf" tag whenever i feel lousy, have a negative experience or when there is something i feel is not right - bottomline, it is associated with negative energies. as for "lol", i would use it when the blog is about anything that i can laugh about/ or at least smile. comparing the numbers, it  reflected my tendency to blog when i experience downs in my life. and thinking about it, yes, i actually do not make much effort to blog about happy things. of cos, looking at another perspective, the large difference might also reflect my inclination to see things from a pessimistic point of view. whatever the case is, i actually came to similar conclusions some time back and have tried to blog more positive things and see things positively. but somehow, it was not easy. i really need to put in more efforts. i need to learn to loosen up more, be more optimistic about things around me, don't be so uptight, don't sweat the small stuff, don't be a control freak, don't stress myself up over small things... the list goes on. but of course to be objective, i have actually improve much! the difference between the "wtf" and "lol/ relax" score has reduced over the pass 2 years. let's hope that in time to come, the "lol/ relax" score would surpass that of the "wtfs"... :-)

personalities - people form a huge part of my life. and this is reflected in the statistics on the tags related to personalities. the sum of the numbers for "mum", "dad", "bee", "james", "friends" and, for that matter, "sapphie" beats the sum of every other tags. then again, my reflections on these specific personalities were not consistently constant through time. this could be explain by the fact that i tend to blog more about a particular person when i spend more time with him/ her/ it, or when i experience more tensions with him/ her/ it.

moving focus - the focus of my blogs have moved from person to person depending on the stage of my life. there was a stage where "james" featured top in the list of my blogging frequency. almost every other day, i would blog about him. he/ thoughts of him controlled me like you could never imagine could happened to a person. he was just that big a part of me. but i guessed he didn't know it. perhaps he was at the stage in life where he was just too focused on his career to accord his energies to people around him, me to be specific. and perhaps it also reflected our poor state of communications. whatever the case, he was such a huge part of my life that it almost killed me when i asked to break off. and the initial years after that was traumatic. time heals. it always do. and with time, my blog's attention moved to other people around me - bee, my dad, my mum etc. i am sure when and if you were to draw a graph showing the frequency of incidences any specific character appears in my blog, you would be able to see a normal bell curve. and the bell curve for james would have peaked first, sometime in 2006-7, then my dad, peaking sometime in 2008 at around time time he died. as for bee (and sapphie of course), it would have been very constant cos they have been, and still are, very much a part of my life all these while. as for mum, the peak should be very erratic and i can foresee postings about her to peak sometime in the near future when she eventually passes on.

flavour of the day - there are also some topics here and there that peak once a while. these are topics related to say "sexuality", "religion", "books" etc. i would say these topic's peaks are related to the "flavour of the day". it depends on the key issues being discussed for that period and/ or my focus and attention, eg anything tagged to "sexuality" are topics related to glbt issues. and i believed it peaked during the periods when the hot topic being discussed locally was "377a". and given that this is related to my own sexuality, i end up spending more time reflecting on the issue and blogging them.

so... yup, from this perspective, it is actually not too possible to see any specific trend in these topics. and this perhaps is a reflection of what my blog is supposed to be - to journal my life, my thoughts and my experiences. and given the fact that my life revolve around important personalities in my life, blogs relating to people would be the highest.

:-)

2000th post

this is my 2000th post in this blog and i must make sure it is a happy one! yes! i will be on leave tomorrow to spend quality time with my mum! hurray!

:-)

home again

got the maid to discharge my mum today. and after work, i fetched her from my bro's place. brought her to imm for dinner together with bee and did some shopping before bringing her home. she was just too paranoid about staying in my bro's place. had to apply for urgent leave tomorrow to look after her and to sent her to see the psychiatrist. initially, i felt rather uncomfortable cos i was supposed to brief my top boss tomorrow about a project. but becos of my mum, despite my earlier dilemma, i decided finally to get my hr to brief him instead. i need to get my priorities right. the job is secondary, regardless of who i'm gonna brief. nothing can replace my mum. and well, since i have applied leave, i should just enjoy the time with mum.

it's a long weekend!

:-)

ps: writing about getting priorities right, i was reminded of the time 7 yrs ago when i was scared stiff about my health and had to go for a brain scan to ascertain the cause behind my blacking out. i asked james to accompany me for the scan and he said he could not... part of me died when i heard that reply. damned! it just occurred to me i have not forgotten about this!

the porter show

watched harry porter on sunday. must say that i felt a little disappointed by the superbly anti-climax ending. i had actually expected more magic. hmmm... or perhaps my expectations had been raised after reading all the glowing reviews about the show. so, when i walked out of the cinema, i was like - chey, voldemort died too fast, there was not enough drama before his death, the effects for the fights were not too great, the built-up towards the final battle was not very consistent, the climax came and went too fast... and so on. and oh, there was not even the slightest mention nor scene that captured the deathly hallows triangle sign!

to me, what was the highest point in the movie was when the prof mcgonagall brought to live and summoned the hogwarts protectors to protect the castle (does it not remind you of lara croft tomb raider angelina jolie? heh heh...), and together with her the fellow wizards, created a "force field"/ cast a protective spell around the castle. i really sat up and got very excited about it, goosebumps and all... it really built up the whole mood for a good fight. but that big bang end did not occur. instead, the pace slowed down, the mood changed and... but well... it was a show after all.

then again, to me, the end of the show felt rather odd somehow. cos in some weird way, it reminded me of james and it kinda signify a total closure of a journey that started in 1999. well, you see, james was the one that introduced me to the harry porter series not long after we got together. and through our 6.5 years together (until 2005), we would eagerly wait for the release of the every next books. so, yup, finally, the show has ended. there was a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts. but well... with the end of this series, i will not be reminded of harry porter anymore.

:-)

mum mum 2

no, this is not a second post about my mum. rather, it is about my niece. she is now 10 months old. and since a couple of weeks back, i was able to feel 2 lower teeth appearing. so cute! and her vocab seemed to have improved. she now can manage a few word-like utterance that sounded like as mum-mum, ma-ma, pa-pa... and altho she still cannot utter "bye-bye" she of cos can wave her hands when we asked her to "bye-bye". and interestingly, when we asked her to "pai-pai" (as in put her palms together to pray), she would wave bye bye instead... and best of all, she now can cry and want to follow me when i leave the house... something that she didn't/ couldn't do just 2-3 weeks back!

so cute right!

hmmm, kids grow really too fast these days!

:-)

mum mum

the doctors did all the tests today. found mum to be fine. so, they have asked my brother to discharge her tomorrow. also, they have asked for her to be reviewed by a psychiatrist. this will be on fri... i am living day by day currently. but i think in the long run, mum would perhaps need to be moved back to my place. her suspicion of my sis-in-law is just too much. well, let's see how...

good job myself

the day ended with me feeling very drained but happy. you see, today is the second and last day of the course that i had been preparing and developing for the past couple of months. and given its significance, quite a few senior/ top management staff visited the training. my big boss also did the closing. lots of hype but i was pretty happy it ended well. whew... such a great sigh of relieve. not because of the fact that the big bosses were here, but becos i had put the pressure on myself to make sure this course is well conducted.

the comments and remarks during the end of the course was very good. and i was pretty glad everyone went back feeling good and acknowledging that all of them had met their objectives of attending this course!

:-)

sleep

i need to sleep but i am feeling awake. then again, i know i need to sleep cos it is gonna be a long day tomorrow...

arghhhh....

challenging mum

just came home not too long ago. been a very long evening. left work to meet bee for dinner but before we even had the chance to head to the dining place, my bro called. mum was again making noise about moving out of the house. this time round, she was convinced she would be killed if she continue to stay in my bro's place. i suggested to my bro to bring her to see the psychiatrist, but my mum started screaming at him. i called kl to seek his opinion and was advised to sent her to a&e instead. she seemed to be in a state of delirium and has been hallucinating. and the past couple of days, she was so convinced my maid and sis-in-law are trying to kill her that she stop eating any food offered to her by them...

my bro was really at his wits ends. in the end i went to his place to fetch her. and in the process convinced her to head to the hospital to undergo a medical check. thank goodness she was receptive to my coaxing. by the time we arrived at the hospital, it was 8plus. she was placed in the observation ward and i accompanied her there. and during the period i was there, she was really vocal, she was uttering lots of not too nice things and expletives about my sis-in-law and my maid. sighs... to me, it was clear that she was being suspicious. and she was obviously living out her past and had unfairly put lots of her pass angst onto my sis-in-law. not too good at all!

after all the test, etc, the doctor concluded that she did not have any infection and that under any normal circumstances, she would be discharged. but after checking with us and finding out that she has been refusing food, throwing tantrums, and being superbly suspicious of people around her, the doctor decided to admit her instead. and of cos, when i told mum about it, she cried...

sighs...

good day

conducted the program today and it was pretty smooth. felt good about it. so... ya, let's hope tomorrow will be a good ending.

:-)

suicide

ok ok... for those who, after reading my last two posts, thought of writing to me and asking me if i am ok... yes, i am. perfectly. was just running through some old posts and getting a bit emo only. otherwise, everything is perfectly fine! ok, here's something to laugh about... trust the japanese. only they can think of something like this! wtf! totally warped! then again, just enjoy it! hahaha!



now, that was part 2, this is the part 1... hahaha!

departures again

i know i have posted this here before... but i simply cannot but post this again. this show always make me cry, laugh, cry, laugh and cry again... such an excellent show! it is about life, and about death. and every single person in the show has his/ her story. it is simply amazing. even the music itself is so excellently written. listening to me quietens me. anyway, for those who have not watch the movie, you can do a search in youtube... there are a total of 14 parts to it. here's the part 1... subsequent parts will follow-on once the preceding part ends...

enjoy!

last kiss

decided to look for this song after hearing it on the radio 2 weeks back. this is one of the few songs that never fail to make me tear. well, firstly, i am the kinda person who likes to sentimentalize things. and so when i listen to songs, i sometimes imagine myself in the scene. and that was how i could imagine myself being in a situation where my love get killed in a car crash and died in my arms... how much more sad can that be right? and in that kinda situation, who wouldn't cry right? hmmm... then again, this song reminded me about the times when james and i were together. in fact, our time together were marked by many songs given that he was (and i believe still is) a person who would follow the charts.

heh heh...

and oh, while looking for this song, i learned that the original version was first released in 1964. and listening to it, i thought it sounded pretty 60s alright. and songs from that era (my era) always sound a little more innocent and pure... don't you think so? well, here it is... enjoy!

contingency weekend

a weekend where i had to activate lots of contingencies. yup. that is how i'd describe this weekend. but i thought i survived it well. you see, on friday, mum called me to bring her for a hair perm. and i did exactly that yesterday. my sis-in-law, niece and maid came along. mum seemed extra cautious about talking when i drove them to marine parade (where she usually perms her hair). i didn't ask further. i had gotten use to this behaviour of her lately. after lunch at marine parade, i left her to do her hair and asked my sis-in law to bring my niece for a walk by the beach while i went for a tan at the pool. later in the afternoon after the perm, as per routine, i picked them up and sent them home. but when i arrived at my brother's place, my mum refused to get off the car. she insisted on staying at my place. she didn't explain further except that she did not want to go home... and added to that, she didn't want to maid to come along.

hmmm... tricky. knowing that i couldn't coax her to get off the car, i got the maid to pack her stuff, her medication, la la la and drove her back home. halfway home, i had to u-turn when i realized i had forgotten to bring her walking frame. and i had to cancel my evening plans with bee and kwang (thank goodness bee had not book harry porter tickets). bee had to quickly set up her room for her. and after keeping her stuff at home, i tried but failed to arrange for dinner with my second sis. so i decided to bring mum out for dinner with bee... next challenge - where to go considering the place must not be crowded, wheelchair friendly, not too far... i ended up circling bedok and simei. in the end, we had dinner at a coffee shop in the industrial estate.

it was a long and tiring day. after dinner, second sis dropped by. chit chatted till late before i finally put mum to bed. another issue - had to make sure she take her bath safely, change into her diapers before putting her to sleep... thankfully, she was able to self manage. i only need to stand by at the door in case she needs assistance or in case she falls. and when she finally lied down on the bed, i had to place another big mattress by her bed to cushion her in case she rolled off the bed in the middle of the night. i was totally exhausted by the time she finally retired for the night.

woke up early this morning to check on her. she was already awake but simply lied in her bed. i had told her not to move around in case she falls. in any case, she was wearing diapers. made her a cup of milo before letting her clean herself. bee and i brought her out for breakfast and to do some marketing. she was pretty cheerful and i guessed this was so as she had not been out of the house for the longest time. also, she told me she slept till 6am - something that she had not done for quite a while as she was afraid people would harm her at home (my bro's place).

spoke with her at home after breakfast and managed to convince her to head back to my bro's place as i will not be able to take care of her as i have to work on weekdays. thankfully, she agreed. and so, after bringing her out for lunch, we made our way back to my bro's place. it was certainly an unexpected weekend. it was one surprise after another. but i supposed it is to be expected given the presence of an elderly at home. admittedly, i almost get angry a couple of times when my mum insisted people at home were trying to kill her. she was so convinced her dream was real and she was truly afraid to go home. time and again, i had to remind myself to be patient. she is after all, elderly and her mind is not exactly healthy. i held my temper. i am glad it turned out pretty well. and i am glad it is over.

for now.

:-)

ps: and oh, i forgot to bring her walking frame back and had to drive home to get it. and yes, finally, we caught harry porter at the cinema this evening.

next week

it's rather weird, but i am actually looking forward to next workweek. haha!

well, you see, over the last many moons, i have been involved in many big time projects and all seemed to have either stalled or been slow in their development. and the last week or so had been rather intense given the advanced stage of things - finalising materials, printing of notes, printing of posters, compiling, binding, etc. and as of today, i have been told the systems (that had previously stalled) would be tested out over the weekend and should be ready next week. and same too for a course that i had been developing. i had finally completed it this week and it would be conducted next week. and last but not least, a series of posters that i had tasked a staff to design and print had been done and it would be mounted in the classroom over the weekend...

lots of things seem to be done up by this weekend and all should be ready to be showcased come tuesday! so... ya, i am rather excited about it! and to add to the excitement, my big boss will be visiting the place too and hopefully, things will be in place to show to him!

feeling excited!

:-)

nice song

this is a very nice mtv. and it is sung against a clip that shows a hong kong taxi driver picking up a hunk and they end up having sex in the taxi. then again, taking away the fact that the act involves 2 guys, i see 2 individuals making love. and if it is love, it cannot be wrong. so... if you are offended by gay sex, don't click on the link. otherwise, enjoy the clip like i did.

tuls

bee and i met up with a new friend from pj/kl this evening. it was a wonderful evening. we had dinner at 7 storey hotel hainanese seafood restaurant and then we went sightseeing. felt like a tourist myself. somehow, hosting people from overseas is always fun cos i end up feeling like a tourist. and the best part was - we get to know the person better! and for tonight, it was great for the fact that my friend is totally unassuming and easy going. and well, time flies when you are having fun and enjoying. all too soon, the night was over. he flies back home tomorrow.

:-)

eewww...

have you ever felt so bloated you fart and fart and fart... yes, i felt so today. for reasons unknown, it was just non-stop... and to make things worst and really gross, (you can stop here if you are uneasy about gross stuff)... i went for dinner with bee and karsten earlier, and after dinner, as i was driving, i started farting again... and you know, the kind of big ones, and it's the kind where you know it has taken time to form in the colon and formed a large volume that would stretch your asshole as it comes out... yes, you get the idea. yup, i felt it and out it came. first one, second one... and oh my freaking gawd, i farted watery shit! eeewwwwwwwwwww!!!

hahahahahahaha!... it was so so so damned freaking uncomfortable. and i was in the car with bee and i let out a yelp and he stared at me when i told him about it. anyway, he was nice and told me he had stuffed nose and could not smell anything. but some few seconds later, he smelt it... hahaha... and as for me, i was so lucky there was some newspaper in the car. i quickly took it and sat on it. but what was terrible was that i had to endure the uncomfortable feel of something wet in my pants through the whole journey. and to make it worst, the stomach started churning as i was driving along pie. and you know, when you are in a hurry or when there is an emergency - like when your stomach is going to explode with all the churning - somehow, cars would be driving one helluva slow, it almost seemed like things were going s... l... o... w... m... o... t... i... o... n..., and traffic lights all turn red at the wrong time, roads get busy suddenly, etc... aarrggghhhh...

gross right? yup, i also say, i wanted to delete this post after typing it and took a long pause to think if i should proceed with this post. and i thought, ah... screw it, after all, it is my blog and it is not an irresponsible act to publish something that would probably embarrass myself. so....

and oh, the feeling of everything rushing out when i finally sat on the throne was simply - priceless!

heh heh heh...

painful spine

over the last 2 weeks, i have been experiencing this dull pain at one of my cervical bone at the back of my chest (t-section). it started off feeling like a dull but pointed pain. but over time, it got worst and the pain gets a little intense and uncomfortable. it came to the point where i could not lie down or bent down properly cos it felt like as though my beck can break into two any moment. and to make things worst, my neck also started hurting.

it seemed like the whole spine is breaking apart. so i went to the chiro yesterday and told him about the pain. and he did some adjustments and it felt immediately better for that few hours. but today, the pain came back. and the neck region worsen. the muscles were all stiffened up and i felt superbly uneasy... thinking about the localized pain at my t-bone region, i was quite sure it was due to one particular occasion where a guy pushed me down and punched my back. but well, no use blaming. it's over and i will have to just manage it.

let's hope the pain goes off soon...

what a weekend!

been a great weekend! it all started since fri evening. bee was not around as he went for a cruise with his parents and so my weekend started with dinner at liang court with ming. and then sat, it was laundry, visit chiro, housework, hang up laundry, work, visit mum, work somemore, and finally dinner at seven sensations followed by tea and cakes at marina square... what a busy day! and sat night was weird cos i was awaken by my own sounds... there was this constant coo-ing... and it was that kinda dull, short and inconsistent coo, coo, coo sounds that woke me up. and i was so aware that it was made by myself... a little eerie considering i was all alone at home and bee was away. anyway, i went back to sleep again...

and on sunday, it was giving sapphie a bath, wash toilet, clear the storeroom, work (again), housework, visit mum, brought mum out for lunch, met up with second sis, brought mum home, more work, brought mum back to bro's place, dinner with karsten, and then home to more work... another busy and hectic day...

yup, that was my weekend. intense, busy and lotsa work. thinking about this whole thing, it just struck me how we are all creatures of habit. for me, the routine weekly are very similar. and i also notice that i tend to want to take things easy at work at times, i would steal sometime to go for a swim or a tan over my lunch hours but i do make it up over the evenings and weekends where i bring my work home. in this way, i have more flexi time and i would be less stressful... and i do not feel guilty about taking time to swim or tan cos frankly, i am at work even while i am at home...

well... another mundane post for me this time round.

it's gonna be a good week ahead. for a start, i will be meeting up with a new friend from malaysia tomorrow for dinner. heh heh... he calls me gor (kor), but i think i am old enough to be his father... will it be weird meeting up? hmmm... then again, bee will be joining in. so that makes it a little less awkward in case he feels uncomfortable or awkward... haha...

have a good week ahead everyone!

strange goldfish

i have a pair of goldfishes. they are the remaining pair from an initial lot of over 10... over the years, one by one have died. and the remaining 2 (a ranchu and an oranda) are rather interesting, especially the oranda (white with red patches on the head).

until recently, i noted that this pair actually sleep at night. and for that matter, they actually sleep very soundly! over the last 2 weeks, bee and i realized one more thing. the oranda likes to sleep in the container that i use to contain the filtration pump. and she (with such a name, let's assume it's a she, and a bimbo) actually likes to sleep upside down inside this container. more than a couple of times, bee and i thought she had been sucked into the container by the filtration pump and had died. but when we tried to "dig" her out of the container, she would wake up, spring into action and dart out of the container. then she would swim around tossing and turning and show off her tail like as though nothing had happen. frankly, i half suspect she actually gave us the "what-the-fuck for disturbing my beauty sleep" look as she swam around! well, too bad i can't interpret goldfishs' face...

heh heh heh...

:-)

str8 readers

i did ask myself before if i have posted things that might have sounded a little too gay here and whether i should tone down, or for that matter even stop posting any of such gay-related stuff. i asked myself these questions cos i know i have straight people who visit my blog quite regularly eg people in uk, ladybird, and so on. then again, i told myself that i should just go ahead cos the fact that i am posting it here means i should have no pretense and be myself. there is a time and space to be considerate and a time and space to be myself. and during such occasions, such as when i blog, if these str8 friends choose to read my postings, they should be able to accept me as what i am. and if anyone should choose to brand me in any possible negative way, it is their prerogative and it is also their choice not to visit this humble of blog mine.

:-)

right?

tribute to kylie

this is a very nicely made video. very gay and reminds me of the many parties i went to aeons ago. somehow the way gay men dance have remained constant over the last decade! hehe. they way they gyrate, the way they wave their hands, the way they flirt with their eyes as they dance... don't think any straight men can do it as well as gay man! (of cos, to put in perspective, not all gay man can do it too la!) and yes, this mtv screams out "we are australians!" does it not? heh heh... and of cos, i meant it in every best possible way!

enjoy!

:-)

lesbians

conversations between 2 gay bottoms... of cos, one is more bottom than the other. well, the other way to look at it is that one is more top that the other... then again, it doesn't matter... hahaha!

"sister sister, i feel so so so horny now..."

"ok ok, you want me to have sex with you?"

"eee... thanks hor, whatever horniness i have, all gone already lor..."

"sister sister, i feel so so so horny now..."

"ok ok, you want me to have sex with you?"

"errr... thanks hor, i am gay, not lesbian..."

lolx!

:-)

durians

today, i bought a durian for my after dinner dessert. and really, it always feels good to eat durian by the road side. such a singapore experience!

nice!

ps: my enjoyment of my durian was disrupted by an irritating roaring motorbike! i almost wanted to use the seed and throw at the biker... can't stand bikers that modify their bikes and creating such noise pollution!

conversation with mum

i brought mum out this afternoon. she said she wanted to visit the temple again. and in the car, i spoke with her. the whole conversation would probably sound out of this world and illogical if you do not know her. it went something along this line...

i asked why she wanted to go to the temple as i had brought her there last week. accordingly, i said going to the temple once a month is fine. she replied that she had nioghtly dreams about someone telling her to chant. and she iterated that the domestic help is a ghost. (well, not literally, rather she meant the domestic help is out to harm her) i asked her gently why she said that and she lowered her voice and pointed her finger to the back telling me not to ask further cos the domestic help was sitting behind her... and then she said her life is terrible and said that for reasons unknown to her, she had always been meeting people who wanted to harm her (you can imagine the typical - "my life is so bitter and sorrowful" wails of someone who was wronged). and she started telling me about her past. and she related how my aunt (whom, she was convinced, wanted to steal my dad from her) wanted to harm her. she said she saw my aunt again recently and she wanted to spit at her. and she went on and on about how everyone wanted to harm her.

i let her vent and when she finally stopped, i asked her why she chose to focus on the bad and not the good. i asked her to reflect how she has her children who are good to her, who feed her, who look after her. and i asked her to reflect how good a life she has compared to some of my late aunts. but she ignored my words. instead, she said the person who had wanted to marry her (50 yrs ago) has recently returned and is now planting bad lies about her in the family. and she went on about how she had recently carried my baby brother and ran away from a particular block in macpherson. i told her this block that she spoke of had been demolished (to be frank, i was not really sure if it had indeed been demolished). but she insisted it is still around. and that if i am not convinced, i could drive her to the block and she would show me the house and the occupants she ran away from. i asked her how old my brother is and she could answer that he is 40 over years old. and when i asked again about how she could be carrying my brother away from the block recently, she couldn't answer except that i won't be able to understand how bad her life was...

well, you got the idea, the whole conversation toggle between today and 40 over years ago. i supposed this is how a person with dementia would speak. not easy to follow and many a times, one needs to really "play" along and not add to the stress of the person. for mum, her mind and behaviour had been too deeply wired up by her 50-over years of routine visiting the temple whenever she faced any challenges. as such these days, whenever she faces any problems that she couldn't make sense of, her instinct would be to visit the temple. so... yes, i shall bring her to the temple whenever i can. it calms her down. and i certainly hope my sis do not keep trying to convert her.

breaking up

the usual and common way to view a break up is from a negative angle. the emotions one feels during a break up (and for a while after that) can be terrible. it can consume the whole being. and if not controlled, it can destroy a person. literally. but one thing is for sure. for all break ups, time heals. and when one has regained some objectivity over the whole affair, one begins to see things in perspective. sometimes, one may even ask and wonder why and how the hell he/ she can be so mesmerized by the other party. and to a friend of mine who is undergoing this difficult period, let me pen here some possible way of seeing things from a different perspective:

• thanks for the wonderful time together. breaking up is perhaps a natural thing when we begin to see things clearer and realizing that we are very different after all. then again, not being together does not mean we cannot be friends. let us take time to close this chapter properly. to mourn and to recover emotionally. and after that, if possible, let us be the best of friends. the thing about friends is that things are easier. expectations are a lot less, and we tend to be a lot more forgiving. and in some strange way, friendship tends to last longer... then again, for now, let us have our space to recover.

• thanks for the wonderful time together. we have decided to move on but a few things are for sure. my time with you made me realized i was able to love again. it made me feel i am very much alive. the knowledge that i have the power to love, and to love deeply; and that i also have the abilities to attract another person is very powerful. but for now, let me mourn, let me nurse my spirit and my soul. it is natural that i should feel down. but once i am done with my mourning, i know i will be able to start loving again. and i know i can becos you have shown me i could.

• thanks for the wonderful time together. we have decided to move on. things are difficult for me now. it is natural for i am human. i have feelings. but sure as the sun will rise from the east, my pain will go. but during this period, i shall reflect on our times together, and look at the things i have learned. and when i recover, i will be stronger, i will be a better person. for that, thank you for giving me the opportunities to learn the lesson of life.

:-)

dental scaling

have just done dental scaling for sapphie. been a long while. and i noticed the tartar had worsened and that there were 2 more of her molars that have been covered with tartar to the point that it couldn't be scrapped off. then again, i take it positively that for a 11-year old dog, she still has all her teeth intact. and this to me, is a good thing cos i have known dogs who lost their teeth when they were as young as 5 years old due to constant feeding of wet food and improper dental upkeeping.

:-)

my fb profile

i have changed my fb profile to another name. and with the change in my profile name, i stopped using my facebook. i deleted all my photos, most of all my status updates, and so on. all these was done with the intention to safeguard my own sanity as i realized there were to many toxic postings about all sorts of things lately. i saddens me to also see people i know being emotional and illogical when it comes to life in general. and since stopping my fb activities, i have had quite a few interesting smses from my friends. read on.

(1) one smsed me - why did you block me from your fb? what did i do to you to deserve such a treatment? why did you stopped me from seeing your photos? it was an unexpected message, and a very interesting one. the message suggested this friend had assumed lots of things. and he had been unfair to me in these assumptions. for example, it suggests that he sees himself to be the center of my fb activities. in asking these questions, he had indirectly implied that i must keep my facebook account alive for him. that i do not have the prerogative to do what i want with my facebook account. also, the questions suggest how he sees himself to be at fault rather than ask if everything is ok with me (given that it is not often that people disappear from facebook). it seemed rather self-centric. could it be that it reflected his own insecurities? anyway, to his message, i simply replied "no la, i did not block you. i deleted everything in it". and a quick reply came - "oh...". and the conversation ended just like that. hmmmm...

(2) a couple of weeks after the incident above, bee was in town and met another friend. he used to be my fb buddy. we used to poke each other (in fb, and yes, it has an extra "b" - for "facebook" buddy and not... heh heh) and comment on each other's statuses. and he was rather curious with my sudden disappearance. his response was to see if i were still in his friend list. and when he checked, he found that i had disappeared (weird cos i did not recall deleting him from my friend list). he did not pursue further and did not sms me. it was when he met bee when so he asked about me and bee explained the whole story to him. thankfully, that cleared the air cos he thought i had deleted him for whatever reasons. after bee related the incident to me, i logged in into my fb, added him and emailed him about why i had stopped using fb. of cos, he accepted my friend invite but since then, we had stopped corresponding...

(3) couple of days back, in the midst of an sms conversation with a friend, he asked "hey do you have a facebook account? if you have, add me! my email is xxxxxx." and i replied i had and gave the whole story. and he sheepishly replied, "actually, i was too shy to ask if you have deleted me, so i thought maybe it is easier for me to ask if you have an account..." i thought his message was rather funny. and knowing him, he has always been a little shy with friends. so... such a cute person right? adore him to bits! heh heh...

i reflected about these responses from my friends. it was interesting cos it now suggests that such social media have taken over our lives to the point whereby our activities (and inactivity) in the social media could create a certain level of impact on our social circles. scary right? and to make it worst, social media is not exactly the best way to communicate cos it is one of the worst media when it comes to communicating emotions. hmmm...

ps: i told my friend in (3) about this post and he wanted to click "like" just to realize the this is blogger and not facebook. so himbo right? but well, that's him alright. and he's so adorable. i like!

offing my phone

for the past weeks, i have kept my personal number off. i was trying very hard to avoid that friend who had been hounding me to lent more money to her. and as a result, many of my other friends whom i have not shared my office number with had not been able to contact me too... hmmm... well, on the bright side, i had a couple of weeks of peace!

:-)

of l's & m's....

been an interesting week. been caught up with lots of meetings and work. and of cos, the focus has been in the areas of l's and m's. l for leaders and m for managers. seemed like the big bosses are increasingly focusing on these areas and are pushing for related programs to be in place. gonna be very busy... very very busy.

:-)

tailor

got my bonus letter today. not too please with the grade given. i felt i deserved something better. but well, a bonus is a bonus, even if it was just s$1. afterall, i got my confirmation and promotion ahead of time. so, i shan't complain. and to reward myself, i decided to head to the tailor. i ended up making 3 pairs of pants and a long sleeve shirt. have been wanting to do so for a long time. all my pants have either gone too big or too old. and for the last many moons, i have survived alternating between 2-3 pairs of pants that i could still wear. heh heh... making pants was way overdue for me.

after looking at all the different colours and materials offered, i ended choosing the cashmere wool material for 2 pairs of pants and polyester material for the third. a little expensive for the former but i thought it would be a good investment if it makes me look good. and as for long sleeve shirts, have been wearing off-the-shelf ones. g2000 and so on. and most of the times, they were either too big or the sleeves were too long. and given my recent weight loss, all my shirts had started to look oversized and sloppy. so i decided i should tailor a shirt too. i have always felt tailored shirts look smarter. just like the uniforms i used to wear back during my service days. and heh heh... my first tailored civilian shirt is - guess what - pink! let's see how it turns out.

if it is nice, i might just go ahead and tailor more shirts!

:-)

worsening dementia

mum's dementia has taken a turn for the worst. a couple of days back, she called me at the office telling me that people at home were ill-treating her and wanting to get her out of the house. i rushed down to visit her only to realize that her memory was very warped and that she was uttering things that happened 50-over years ago...

and when i visited her these 2 days, she could only recall how she had suffered in the early days and it was obvious she's living her old memories in the present day. she was superbly suspicious of people around her and was convinced that everyone around her was conniving to do her bad.

it's quite sad that she cannot get out of this knot of hers. sighs... well, the least that i could do was to listen to her, be supportive and try in any way i could to cheer her up.

sighs...

your highness

went to watch your highness yesterday and wow! there was a gay sex scene complete with thrusting actions and a frontal hard on! then again, it (the hard on) belonged to a minotaur and the sex scene was between the minotaur and a human being. so, i guessed it didn't breach any rules per se and the show didn't end up getting a r(a) rating. heh heh... frankly, we went in with totally no idea what to expect. the show ended up being one helluva lame show. then again, it was an entertaining show. lots of laughs and lots of crude jokes.

:-)

sandcastle

had just watched boo junfeng's sandcastle. and was reminded of this song. familiar tunes, warm feelings...

and it's nice to watch a show that i can click at the local level.

nice!

:-)

d.i.s.c & mbti

by d.i.s.c profiling, i am a moderate "d" and "i", superbly high "s" and a relatively high "c". by mbti, i am an extreme "i", "s", low "f", and moderate "j". well, if you know how to read and interpret disc and mbti scoring, you would probably be able to read me through and through by these 8 characters!

:-)

busy week ahead

this week is gonna be a busy week for me. today, it's back-to-back non-stop with lotsa meetings. tomorrow will be the same. from 0830am to 5.30pm. hmmm... and i am not even prepared for the meetings. darned!

:-)

should i panic? or should i just be nonchalant about it? well, i supposed the fact that i am blogging about it says a lot about how much i am "panicking"... perhaps i should do something about it later and then pray for some godly intervention tomorrow? hahaha...

lifeless face

bee told me earlier on that my face has looked lifeless for quite a while. dull, bad complexion, no shine, no life, pale... and that of late it would take a long time for me to heal from any cuts, i fall sick easily...

hmmmm...

doesn't sound too good huh? never mind, gonna sleep. it's gonna be a new week. lotsa challenges ahead. must wake up refreshed! good night!

sms from temple

this morning when i woke up, i saw an sms from the temple asking me if i could go down to conduct a class. apparently the teacher that was supposed to teach, had backed out last minute. hmmm... it was quite a surprise for me cos it was a combined class as another teacher couldn't make it and that this teacher had just replied on friday that she would be able to conduct a combined class. the sms sent to me indicated that she had to work. hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... frankly, for a moment, i was in a dilemma cos i was worried about the students. but it was such a short moment's notice and i had plans made. furthermore, i had already told the people i would be stopping my teaching.

i weighed the pros and cons. my sister-in-law had told me yesterday she'd bought fish head to cook for me and that my mum had already told me i should be there early for lunch. having me sit with her for lunch is something she'd look forward to weekly. hmmm... well, i could call them and tell them they should go on without me, i thought. but if i were to do that, it would put to waste all the preparations and the cooking, and disappoint people at home. but on the other hand, if i did not turn up to relief the teacher, the students would be "teacherless" and that wouldn't be nice. hmmm... difficult decision.

in the end, i remembered what the advisor told us before - if you have second thoughts about coming, i'd rather you do not. i'd rather you come wholeheartedly rather than come with and iffy heart. ok ok, she did not say it like that. but you got the idea. remembering this, i replied the temple i couldn't help them. i reconciled that they would be able to manage even if it means combining 3 class into one, or for that matter, for a perm staff to hold the fort for this week.

well, you may laugh at me for being caught in a dilemma over such seemingly trivial stuff. but frankly to me, having weekly time with my mum is something that cannot be replaced. and i recalled previously, some teachers had also used similar commitments not to turn up for class... i am no longer a volunteer, and so, i should not feel so guilty about rejecting the request.

:-)

god's birthday

my mum had been reminding me to head to the koo chye sheng hong temple to renew my "adoption" money to the god. she insisted i should do it soon cos the god's birthday is coming up soon. and that was what i did today. accordingly, when i was a little baby, the fortune teller had predicted that i would be a difficult baby and that it would be necessary for me to be given to the god for adoption so that he could protect me from harm's way. and every year before the 28th day of the 5th lunar month, i would visit the temple to renew my adoption and to make a small donation. it had been this way for the past 4 decades plus and i continue to do so even after my taking refuge in buddhism 2 years ago.

frankly, when i first took refuge, i remembered what the venerable told me, it went something like "be disciplined in your practise, do not deviate from the practise, do not follow the ways of other religions now that you have made up your mind about taking refuge in the triple gem". and so, in the initial months, i had some internal tensions about visiting taoist temples. but after reflections, there is no tensions in me now. my mind and heart is clear why i am visiting taoist temples these days, it is for my mum, it is for my family, it is for everyone. my visits there and the practise of burning joss sticks and joss papers are acts of respects to the gods. i do not worship the gods per se nor do i get myself attached to the acts of begging for favours. this is no different from, say, visiting an indian temple and clasping my hands to respect the gods, or visiting a mosque and standing in silence as i focus my minds on the serenity and the quietness of the worship hall and to respect the islam religion, or for that matter, visiting a church and following through the rituals in silence as my christian friend go through their acts of worship. it is a form of respect to other faiths. learning to respect other faiths is something i have learned and visiting a temple is but an act. what is important is what is the underlying intentions. my faith is in my heart, it is not in the objects outside me.

so... yes, back to today's visit to the temple. i decided to drop by the temple today before visiting my mum. but unlike previous years, i did not collect the 2 talismans that i usually do - one to keep on my body to protect me against evil spirits and the other to burn, throw into water and to drink the water. i don't think these are necessary for me now. my visit was to tell my mum i have renewed my adoption and to show her proof by bringing the oranges the temple gave. this visit was important to her. and if doing this allays the worries and tensions in my mum, i would do it for as long as i could.

:-)

green lantern

omg, he so... omg cute! yup! saw the show earlier. yum yum! but, the thing was... for a superhero, his crouch was a tat too small! chey damned it, gay man me. ha ha! but ya, how come huh? ok, ok... let's be serious.

went for the show "green lantern" today half-heartedly cos a close friend's wife told me it's a lousy show. but decided to go for it nonetheless cos admittedly, i'm quite a superhero fan. so... yup, watching a show with little or no expectation is the best. you walked out feeling good if it's any little good. and you'd not feel too let down if it is bad cos you had expected less. but really, when i walked out after the show, i thought it was rather entertaining. never mind the small crouch, never mind the out of proportion stuff throughout the show - eg, parallax (if i spelt it correctly) seemed gigantic at the start, and then it reached earth, it was only a little larger then a building, and then another time, it was half a city size, and later on, it get's burnt by the sun. if i don't think about it, it's ok, if i do, it's a little confusing. heh heh... but hey, let's not get too critical about comics. it's meant to be entertaining. and yes, it certainly was. good nice computer effects, simple storyline that was, at times, predictable.

and of cos, such a cute chap!

what a week!

tgif!

such a hectic week! validated some programmes with the ministry, discussed the details with the developer for 2 days, fired someone, hired someone last minute, fought a series of human-relationship related fires at work, held at least 2-3 meetings a day for the past 5 days, had a couple of arguments with my hr b****, kenah arrowed to develop some management programme by my big big boss, conducted a work-related coaching session for one of my heads in my company, coached a couple of my managers, cleared a couple of critical longstanding issues, etc... i am so so so drained now and...

i am so fucking glad weekend is here!

coach

"boss, you are a good coach"

it feels good when my new manager tells me that. reaffirms that i am on the right track when it comes to establishing a good working relationship with him, motivating him, and in helping him realize his potential.

:-)

when the children cry

little child
dry your crying eyes
how can I explain
the fear you feel inside
cause you were born
into this evil world
where man is killing man
and no one knows just why
what we have become
just look what we have done
all that we destroyed
you must build again

when the children cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins

little child
you must show the way
to a better day
for all the young
cause you were born
for all the world to see
that we all can live
with love and peace
no more presidents
and all the wars will end
one united world
under god

when the children cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins

what we have become
just look what we have done
all that we destroyed
you must build again
no more presidents
and all the wars will end
one united world
under god

when the children cry
let them know we tried
when the children fight
let them know it ain't right
when the children pray
let them know the way
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins