got the maid to discharge my mum today. and after work, i fetched her from my bro's place. brought her to imm for dinner together with bee and did some shopping before bringing her home. she was just too paranoid about staying in my bro's place. had to apply for urgent leave tomorrow to look after her and to sent her to see the psychiatrist. initially, i felt rather uncomfortable cos i was supposed to brief my top boss tomorrow about a project. but becos of my mum, despite my earlier dilemma, i decided finally to get my hr to brief him instead. i need to get my priorities right. the job is secondary, regardless of who i'm gonna brief. nothing can replace my mum. and well, since i have applied leave, i should just enjoy the time with mum.
it's a long weekend!
:-)
ps: writing about getting priorities right, i was reminded of the time 7 yrs ago when i was scared stiff about my health and had to go for a brain scan to ascertain the cause behind my blacking out. i asked james to accompany me for the scan and he said he could not... part of me died when i heard that reply. damned! it just occurred to me i have not forgotten about this!
it's a long weekend!
:-)
ps: writing about getting priorities right, i was reminded of the time 7 yrs ago when i was scared stiff about my health and had to go for a brain scan to ascertain the cause behind my blacking out. i asked james to accompany me for the scan and he said he could not... part of me died when i heard that reply. damned! it just occurred to me i have not forgotten about this!
7 comments:
Hi, I hope you don’t mind me leaving my thoughts here. Talking about psychiatrist – my husband and teenage son had seen one. Both of them were suffering from depression. My son when he was in Sec 3 and my husband just last year.
My son was referred to a psychiatrist by his school counsellor. At that time, he felt a sense of worthlessness, a deep, perpetual sadness and a lack of motivation to do anything. The crying. The emotional outbursts. The nightmares. The self-abuse. The suicide plans. And then... the numbing, mind-blocking, emotion-suppressing effects of the drugs.
At that time, he could not accept himself. In fact he hated himself so much for being different. I stopped his medication as it was making him more depressed and suicidal even. And I didn’t want him to become a walking zombie like some patients I saw at the clinic. The anti-depressant erased all memories of the first 12 years of his life.
I turned to my dear old dad for help – herbs to make him sleep and stop all the nightmares. I spent hours talking to him trying my best to prevent him from falling deeper and help him sort out his thoughts and feelings, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning.
I kept all the knives and was wondering where I should hide the detergent, bleach, etc. I dared not sleep at night fearing he would seize the opportunity to harm himself.
I am so glad he is out of it. He still has issues to grapple with, but I will be there for him and to support him.
But I am helpless when it comes to my husband. His life has been fraught with a lot of physical pain (from chronic illness), sadness and emotional pain because of a broken family since childhood, challenges and stresses from work. Having a negative mother also adds to his stress for he is a filial son, just like you.
Just the other day he was tearing at his toes nails and they were getting bloodied. I was alarmed and asked him to stop. I think that is the way he deals with his pain and suffering since young, while people now cut themselves with pen-knives. It kind of alleviates the emotional pain which is too much to bear.
hi ladybird, i thought very hard whether i should publish your post. i had very much wanted to ask you for your contact so that i can write to you instead of writing it here in public space. but in the end i decided that i would publish it. so, please, if you feel uncomfortable, please do tell me so that i can remove your inputs.
well, after reading your comment, i felt a deep sense of regret that you have to go through such unpleasant experiences. i felt rather disturbed about it. it made me think very hard about my own life. and after all the reflections, i concluded that you are indeed a really very strong and a very admirable person.
i am sure not many people would be able to take the stress that you went through. but i do wish to also add that you should remember to make sure you take care of yourself too. please do not let things drag you down to the point whereby you yourself become incapacitated (be it emotionally or physically) and cannot provide the care and support for you husband and your son, particularly your son.
am not sure of your husband's illness, but for me personally, it helped me a lot to be able to reconcile with the fact that my body is nothing but a physical manifestation of my being and that i should try not to be too attached to it. and rather that wallow when things happen, i try to take it in stride and appreciate the fact that i still have the ability to experience what i was experiencing. yup, i know it sounds weird, but it is really one's attitude that is important when it comes to viewing and managing one's illness.
i do wish you and your family strength, good health and happiness.
Hi, it’s alright for you to publish my post. And thank you for your encouraging and kind words. I am just an ordinary person actually; trying to do my best to fulfil my different roles in this life.
My son yearns for understanding and acceptance; not just from the immediate family. I advise him against rushing things for although I am a Buddhist, my husband and his family are Christians; and they are those who say grace before a meal. Until now, my son is still waiting for affirmation from his father who maintains his silence throughout.
My husband has AS, a hereditary chronic disease. He suffers from perpetual pain no matter whether he is sitting, standing or lying down. This disease is debilitating and he has to be on painkiller his whole life.
I feel it’s difficult for anyone not to feel depressed when one is in pain (excruciating pain) every moment of his life. I forget he is suffering at times because he doesn’t complain. But there was once when he told me he wanted to end it all. The psychiatrist remarked that he is a very strong person but the path of his life has not been easy and it wore him down leading to depression.
hey, not too sure about the issue of your son, but i am sure he is happy to know that he has a mother that loves him dearly and is able to support him in his times of need. also, you said you are ordinary. yes you are, me too. we all are ordinary. being extraordinary is a myth. it really depends on how you define extraordinary. for example, i am sure to your son, you are an extraordinary mother!
:-)
Hi, my son is the reason why I started visiting your blog. I have a lot of questions and am looking for answers.
I am worried about his future - if it isn't just a phase, can he find happiness? Will he be discriminated against? There are many more questions...
hi again, i understand the context now. thanks for reading my blog. what i write is but my experience. i am not sure if i can provide the answers. but one thing i am sure, your efforts to support your son is certainly admirable. it will go a long way to support him, both psychologically as well as emotionally. and if i may offer a word of caution. yes, it is natural of you as a mother to be worried about his happiness, etc. but ultimately, be careful about imposing what you think is "right" especially when the concept of "right" varies between people. not too sure if you can follow what i am saying, but certainly, to cut the long story short, your son needs to be able to have the space to explore the space, he needs to reconcile himself with people around him (regardless of whether they accept him or not), and when he can do that, he will be able to find the balance he needs to live a life that he is comfortable with and that he is at peace with.
as for discrimination, i can only say this - there will definitely be. it exist regardless of issues. it can be related to sexuality, gender, race, religion etc. cannot escape one. the issue is, how confident is he when it comes to manage discrimination. and to do so successfully, he needs to first find the balance within he himself. and this brings me back to the point about him being able to find his balance and reconcile with himself.
so, yes, your support is most admirable. i am sure he appreciates it.
jeffrey
oh, if i may add, your son is already one step ahead of me when i was his age. so... if you think i am "okay", then i am sure your son will be ok too when he reaches my age.
so, please focus on the present and support him and guide him along. don't focus on the future as to whether he can this or that, whether he will face this or that... those things will somehow sort out when you reach them. so, no need to worry too much.
as you have said, "his" future. not "your" future. give him the right support and education and he will be able to find his own happiness. you cannot do that for him. much less, to worry for him.
:-)
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