good meeting

it was another good and fabulous meeting today. remember i wrote sometime back about me taking over the secretaryship of a series of meetings? well, today, it was a top management meeting chaired by my big bossman and it involved all head of business units. and there were 2 items in the meeting and both were from me. following my recent meeting, i had reviewed my presentation, rescope them, and updated my slides with all the key things that my big bossman wanted. needless to day, i was worried there might be some controvery and that the discussion would drag but... wow... not only was there no heated argument (as was always the case), my big bossman also stood strongly behind me through my 2 presentations. every point i made, he reinforced. every point that needed to be elaborated, he came in and we seemed to synchronize very well. and in the end, everything just fell into place without having me to even try to justify anything myself!

my staff and i were all so happy. even those old birds said it was something of a miracle it went so smooth. heh heh... to me, it was a tiring, but very fruitful day. the challenge now is to push on and make it happen!

:-)

can't recognise you

"oh... i cannot recognise you. i have never seen you in business suit before and all along, i thought you were casually working from home..." words from a lady neighbour of mine when i chanced upon her earlier today.

i didn't know how to response to her except to just stare at her with wide open eyes and just smile... and i think she sensed my lack of appropriate words and just laughed about it.

:-)

re-pricing my loan

finally completed re-pricing my housing loan. and today, i got the documents all sent to me. have planned for this for the last 2 years plus. and i guessed things fell into place just as i planned it. am fixing the loan for a fixed interest rate of 1.88% for the next 2 years. and i guessed it is not too bad a time to do so cos the interest rate is at one of the lowest in recent times. in doing so, i get close to save close to $400 each month. such a great relieve to me. yay...

:-)

mondays are tiring

as in all mondays, today was terribly tiring. as usual, all the arrows starting flying today. and my boss came back from overseas and there are lots of things to do for him, especially powerpoint slides. i think he has the tendency to want me to do slides for him. a good aesthetic sense can sometimes cause on to end up with so much of extra work. then again, my boss's priorities are my priorities... that means one day of rushing to get his things done.

i ended up coming home at past 8pm. am feeling rather tired and exhausted now. well, gonna sleep soon. got a meeting to attend tomorrow.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

furry again

i am glad to update in here that sapphie has regrown the fur she lost over the last couple of months. nonetheless, the skin her leg joints and her buttock are still a little red and that her eyelids are still a little red and at times raw. but i am really glad that her fur at the lower half of her body had somewhat grown back. and they seemed to be rather healthy and soft to feel too. this is a good sign that she is receiving sufficient nutrients despite her vegetarian diet.

also, i noted that some of her lumps on her body (fatty lumps that could possibly be cancerous) have disappeared. added to this, she no longer trips and falls when she runs around. i supposed her low fat and vegetarian diet supplemented with a lot of natural plant-based omega-3 oil have helped her overcome all these issues.

am glad things are looking good for her.

ironing

if you were to ask me to name one thing in the week that i do not enjoy doing, it would be ironing. so, to avoid doing too much ironing, i would wear my clothes for 2 days before i wash them. but of course this does not mean i wear them on consecutive days la... firstly, i must make sure i wear an inner shirt. this is to prevent my shirt from getting in contact with my perspiration. then i would wear them once, hang them up again and wear the same shirt again the following week. by this logic, i would have 5 shirts being worn the second time in the following week. so, to prevent people from saying how i have the same wearing patterns, i would change the sequence in the second week. heh heh...

but of cos, this means that i have to iron 10 shirts every fortnight... well... anyway, i was supposed to iron 10 shirts tonight. but i was just too lazy. i shall wake up earlier tomorrow and iron one set (shirt and pants) and perhaps iron the rest tomorrow night. let's take things slow. good to give myself a break sometimes!

:-)

making life simple

i really enjoyed this short video. the opening first two words "be happy" and the ending last four words "be true to yourself" totally resonates with me. i came out and accept myself as my way of being true to myself. and my blogging captures my journey to being as happy a person as i could. by my terms. and frankly, i have been able to live out almost all the little words in between the starting 2 and ending 4 words.

i am indeed a happy person!

:-)

about perspectives 2

a muslim friend of mine reflected that this is an interesting month. she said muslims are rejoicing the fact that this is a holy month of fasting. as for taoist, they are observing the hungry ghost festival this month. they believe that this month is where all the ghost and wondering spirits from hell would roam the earth. as for buddhists, we are rejoicing the fact that this is a joyous month of filial piety and merit-making. accordingly, this month marked the end of the raining season in india (where buddhism originated). and during the raining months, many from the sangha would go into retreat to meditate and emerged enlightened this month. it is thus a joyous month!

3 different perspectives to one same month of the year!

how interesting right?

:-)

about perspectives

in life, all things are about perspectives. a cup can half-filled with water be taken as either half filled or half empty. it depends of one's perspective. one just needs to focus on the right perspective and one can find happiness. conversely, by focusing on the negatives, one derive unhappiness, dissatisfaction and negative energies. and one suffers.

yesterday, after the yog opening ceremony, i turned on my facebook and saw a comment by a friend about how it couldn't even be compared to china's olympics. hmmm... i called him and we went into a huge argument about the issue. my point was, he needed to see things in perspective. and his argument was, singapore has always been tip top, first in everything la la la... and this time round, singapore had totally embarrassed herself by staging such a sub-standard opening ceremony. but i totally did not agree with his views at many levels. perhaps he was right in the lack of co-ordinations and the not too creative items at times, but i felt very strongly that he was totally off when he compared the yog with china's olympics. to do so was nothing short of being superbly superficial and uninformed. apart from putting things in context (such as budget, time to prepare, etc), we would also need to understand that such shows were staged with clear messages in it. and in this light, there was no basis for comparison. for china, they have 8 years to prepare, they have billions of dollars, they have billions to people, they have 5000 years of history to present, etc. in short, they have a statement of grandeur, history, power and might to present. for us, our message was this - we are young, we are vibrant, we are spontaneous, we are energetic and we are contemporary. that after all, is what being young is all about. in short, we are youthful and fun. and in this context, grandeur, precision was really not the focus. and from this perspective, i really enjoyed how the idea of youth was put forth - the multimedia presentation, the imperfections, the spontaneity, and the fun-centric presentations. and all these were done with a dose of culture! nice!

then again, our heated argument went no where other than at one point, he felt i was being personal and trying to put him down. for the record, i was not. anyway, we agreed to disagree. and we left it at that. and i could see that up till now, my friend has still focused so much on the negatives that despite almost all the comments by his friends that they enjoyed the show, their rather forgiving comments after taking into considerations all the budget, time etc and stuff, he insisted it was not a good show. from this episode, my conclusion is this, when one is blinded by prejudices, one cannot give objectivity to the issue.

perspectives.

delusions

the interesting thing about teaching is that as one teaches, one learns deeper. for me, today i taught the class on the twelve links of dependent origination (see picture). initially, i thought i knew it well enough, but after teaching it, i actually gained a deeper insight into its meanings! i simply love teaching!

home

one of the very few impactful song in recent years. and i must say this - kit chan is really the best!

:-)

don't be a monk

i had an interesting sms this morning. it was from an singaporean friend who is residing in bangkok. he asked how come i got a chinese buddhist-sounding name. and i replied that that name was the name i got when i took refuge. and he asked if i had thought of becoming a monk. i said yes, that thought did cross my mind. and he said: "no, never ever do it. all problems in life can be solved. don't become a monk. disappointing to see a handsome monk..." or something like that.

i smiled when i read the sms. and i showed it to bee. and he smiled. and we thought perhaps the impression many people get from people who renounce and become monks/ nuns is that these people have lots of problems in life. and perhaps the mass media might have portray it to be so. but this is so so far from the truth. if i ever becoming a monk, i would be very very happy to do it. i would have finally been able to detach myself from my worldly desires and focus myself on self-development to seek enlightenment.

i guessed many people do not fully understand the process one need to go through when one renounce too. one cannot become a full-fledge monk/ nun if one continue to have worldly attachments. and before he/ she can be properly ordained and accepted as a monk/ nun, he/ she needs to go through a period of `probation'. becoming a monk/ nun is not an escape, it is a realization and the dedication of one's life and efforts to seek the truth, to practise and to propagate the dharma. for me, i have realized it, but i am not ready to dedicate my life wholly to it as yet. may be one day i would, but not now.

:-)

ps: then again, i never thought of myself as good looking. so, to this friend of mine, khop khun ma krap!

minute writing

finished my minute writing in record time! completed by last nite!

:-)

yog opening ceremony

it was a simple ceremony. and it reminded me of national day parade. and i thought given the short period and limited resources we had, we delivered a rather decent opening ceremony! well done!

:-)

making offerings

went to bao guang for a rehearsal for the making of offerings to the sangha yesterday. felt so honoured to have been asked to do it. and i also dedicate all the merits accrued for this simple act to all sentient beings and may all break the cycle of samsara and attain buddhahood!

:-)

good week

this had been an good week. it started with us rushing to get things done and then we realize suddenly that oh! it's mid-week. we had forgotten we started off with tuesday! heh heh...

and then it dawned upon us that we have a meeting end of the week (ie, today). it was a meeting chaired the big bossman. and well, it was a significant one cos i take over the secretaryship of this meeting wef today. and i made it a point that my team attend the meeting and take notes for me too. most importantly, i wanted to expose my team to the big bossman. it has always been my believe to expose my staff to the management as much as possible. but of cos, i make it a point to prepare them for it. such exposure can only do them good when ranking and appraisal come about. so you can imagine the excitement in my team. and of cos, we wanted to put up a good show for this first meeting.

when i prepared the agenda, i burst out laughing cos i realized that out of the 5 items to be presented, 4 items belonged to me/ my team. heh heh... nonetheless, we went about rushing to get our briefing slides done. we went to the meeting room early. the big bossman walked in on time. and the meeting kicked off rather smoothly. and it became a meeting that almost became a dialogue between my team and the big bossman with the rest of the company key staff looking at us. quite funny actually. today's meeting turned out well. better than i had expected. frankly, there was a particular slide that i was rather worried might not get through. but when i flashed it, i saw the grin on his face and straight away, i knew i had him on my side. hurray!

the meeting was was originally scheduled for an hour, but in the end, it lasted close to 2 hours. and the big bossman walked out smiling. and of course, all of us in my team walked out feeling drained but smiling broadly.

:-)

but of cos, i will again be spending the next 2 days writing my minutes... and looking at the calender for the rest of the year, i have to be secretary for a meeting almost every week! hmmmph!

ps: at the end of everything, my big bossman's secretary called me and said my big bossman wanted me to join him for lunch. heh heh... wanted to get my staff to join in but he freaked out and in the end, i went alone.

old man

that old man looked really really old now. age has really caught up. he seemed a little frail too. wonder how long more he will last. will he stand for the next election? after he dies, will there be a power struggle? as it stands, many are waiting biding their time before they show their colours. and these people come from both within and outside the white-garbed people.

interesting days ahead.

scary too.

another project

my boss just volunteered to take over a project from hr. and he told me he wants to brief me about it tomorrow. and there is also another project that looks like he will be volunteer to manage. and needless to say, my team will have to shoulder these projects...

hmmm...

life is interesting indeed.

:-)

thanks for reference

was at the chiro earlier (my tues routine), when i saw a range of special sandals with built in orthotics. i was checking them out and explaining to the counter girl when a guy (who was waiting for his wife to complete her treatment) recommended i try shopping at a specific shop. he was rather chatty and told me how he also had the same problem, how his knee caps are also worn out and so on... and when i asked more about the shop, he pulled out a name card and gave it to me. he said he had just visited the shop and had no use for the card.

so nice of him right?

:-)

today is monday!

i just realized that when i start work tomorrow it would be a tuesday! that means this week is a 4-day week! hurray!

:-)

i wish my bee strength

the past week had been a difficult one for bee. his dad was diagnosed with lung cancer following a lung screening x-ray. his family had since been upside down with his mum and brother being very upset. as for him, he seemed ok, but knowing him, he must be bottling things up. and it was clear yesterday when he posted a status in his facebook indicating that he had been crying.

well, thinking about what he has been going through, i am somewhat glad i had brought him to attend dharma talks and temple services over the past couple of years. i can see that his has been able to see things in perspective and that he is a little more calm compared to his family. nonetheless, i understand his feeling upset.

his dad will be going for a proper follow-up check tomorrow. they should be able to know if the cancer is malignment or benign and how it had affected the dad's overall well-being. let's hope for the best. then again, i see the following silver lining from this whole episode - that the family is very much more closer now. they are a whole lot more attentive to his father now. and as for his father, he is a lot more health-conscious now.

:-)

no alcohol

i think i will abstain from alcohol henceforth. you see, i have taken the precept to avoid intoxicants and based on what one venerable shared at that time, taking occasional drink of alcohol is fine as long as one does not get attached (addicted) to it. this was slightly different from another venerable who said one should avoid alcohol totally once one take the precept. i was confused initially but decided to follow the former's take and had continued taking alcohol socially even after taking my refuge and precept last year. to me, what the former said made sense and resonates with the whole idea of middle path.

but of late, i heard again from another venerable that one should avoid all alcohol at all cost. it reminded me of the little conflicting messages i got from different venerables last year. but this time round, something the venerable shared convinced me. she said that since we have a choice, it would be good if we can approach this a little more conservatively and to totally avoid it. she explained that the very fact that one wants to continue drinking it socially reflect ones' attachment to it. and from a spiritual development perspective, it would do no good. when i heard this, i became clear. there is also this thing called discipline. and the constant discipline in making one avoid alcohol is part of the whole process of self-management and self-improvement.

so... yes, i shall henceforth attempt to abstain from alcohol.

:-)

new sofa set

bought for my brother a new set of sofa. decided to do so after getting his consent. and when he asked for the cost (so that he could pay me), i declined. instead, i told him to take it as my gift to my mum. didn't want him to feel indebted to me. i know he didn't like to feel so. felt happy to do it. cost me quite a bit but i thought it was necessary as his sofa set is already tattered and torn, the sponge had collapsed and the wooden frame pressed against one's back. quite painful.

:-)

no school today

i went to the temple today for my sunday teaching. as usual, when i reached there, i sat in my car to read my book and to prepare myself. but what surprised me was the fact that when i went to the assembly hall, it was empty. i found out later after calling the temple administrator that they have cancelled today's lesson to give students a national day break. and this was announced last week.

haiz. well, since i was there, i made full use of my time to pay homage to the buddha at the various prayer halls. as i was about to leave, 2 nuns and a lay-lady alighted from a taxi in front of the admin block and the lady came up to me and asked if they could pay homage to the buddha. she sounded foreign. readily i showed them the way to the main hall. i learned that they are nuns from vietnam and knew no english. so the lady (who is a vietnamese residing in singapore) had volunteered to help with the translation. i managed to get a map for them, showed them the locations of the various prayer halls, suggested to them a route to take and left them to explore the temple themselves. the was the least i could do for my tourist-buddhist sister and venerables. i could see their deep appreciation as they bowed deeply before i left. it felt really good to be able to help.

:-)

going for a run

sam called me earlier. i told him i am going for a run... and he exclaimed "wah..." and he laugh (of cos, it is an encouraging laugh)... heh heh...

yup, think i really need to go for a run. listen to the nurse, it is good for me... hmmm, i am reminded of something my venerable teacher said: "being able to obey and to adhere to a teacher's advise goes a long way to enhance a person from a spiritual development angle". although this is not spiritual development per se, i think the concept is not much different. it is about discipline and it is about developing one's inner self.

burmese temple

i visited the singapore burmese temple for the first time this morning. i was there to look for a buddha figurine. they did not have what i was looking for. nonetheless, it was a good visit. i like the simplicity of the temple and that despite having a simple layout, it still look pretty grand.

:-)

health review

what an interesting morning i had! went for my medical review today and things did not look good. my bmi was a little high and my blood test results showed that all the negatives have gone up. ldl (cholesterol), lipids (fats) etc. although the hdl (good cholesterol) also showed an increase, the overall ratio of the hdl and ldl was unhealthy - more unhealthy that the last check in mar this year. and compared with the results over the past few readings, it showed a distinct upward trend. nonetheless, my doctor said he would keep me to the current level of statins (10mg/ night) but if the trend continues upwards, he would have to increase the dosage.

of cos, the nurse that counselled me went on and on about how i should avoid fried stuff, hokkien mee, char way teow, orh luak, nonya kueh, coconut stuff, nuts, la la la... and i was thinking - omg, if i were to keep away from all these, i might end up not being able to eat anything at all... heh heh... but of cos, of cos, i knew where she was coming from. i shall try to control my diet. also, she went on about how i should do more exercises, increase my intensity, increase the duration, yadda yadda yadda yadda... yes yes yes, i know i know i know... and as for my bmi, she went on and on about how i should try to loose some weight. looking at my bmi figure, she advised that i should shed at least 2 points off and that it is actually quite easy. only 2 points she said. well, it might be easy to her, but 2 points translate to close to 6kg! damned! no wonder she is not a slimming counsellor but a nurse! and of cos, it didn't help that she was a little "bah bah" herself. ha!

on the bright side, my blood sugar level was very good and i did not experience any asthmatic relapse. the pulse rate, blood pressure all registered super healthy range. and at the end of the consultation, i asked (and got) the nasal spray to clear my irritable throat, and i went on to get my hepatitis booster jab!

ouch!

:-)

fruitful friday

i had a very eventful and fruitful friday. at work, i managed to complete a set of marketing slides for my bosses' boss and cleared 4-5 items/ presentations in a meeting. after work, i also managed to attend the temple service and when i came home, swept and mopped the house, washed and hanged my clothes, and thoroughly scrubbed my fish tank.

:-)

laundry month

if there is a competition to brand a particular month of the year, i would call august the laundry month. and i would do so because i noticed that at this time of the year, all our resident's committee would hang out all their laundry to wash and to dry. and because there is a law that only allows people to fly their flags in august, our resident's committee conveniently take out all their flags and hang it out to wash and dry.

and even more convenient is the fact that it rains a lot these days. so, apart from drying, they also get free water from the sky to wash to flags. 2-in-1. why not right?

:-)

generalizing people

i feel very strongly that we cannot generalize people based on their external attributes or belongings. of cos, one can have negative experience with people in the past, and one may want to take the necessary precautions to protect oneself, but to carry it to the extremes and to avoid/ not give people a chance to even be a friend is something i feel very strongly about.

you see, during my lunch with my dear friend thomas yesterday, he shared that he would not want to associate with people who drives a convertible. added to this, even after knowing a person, and he were to find out later that this person drives a convertible, he would keep his distance. his reason - "people who drives convertibles are full of himself, proud, showy and shallow". ok, some may not be his exact words, but well, you get the idea. i disagreed. my point was that we cannot generalize. people who are showy, proud la la la has a higher tendency to drive a convertible, but not all who drives a convertible are proud, etc.

and it would be totally unfair to the person (who drives a convertible) to be branded even before you get the chance to know him! this is simply pure discrimination. totally baseless. no? and i relate this to the analogy of being gay. as a gayman, the last thing i expect or hate people to do, was to generalize and make conclusions about my behaviour just because i am gay. and being at the recieving end, it felt really shitty. and if i were to hold the same thought and exhibit the same behaviour of generalizing, wouldn't i also be guilty of discriminating people?

"tee"-junctions

it was an interesting day today. you see, i lunch with thomas almost daily. and we would meet at toa payoh at about noon. and when we meet, we would bitch bitch bitch through lunch like what any gay men would typically do. yak yak yak... but today was slightly different, thomas called and asked me to pick him up as he had send his car for servicing. and he gave me some directions to get to his office. and i got lost. and i got mad. and it was the first time he saw me got so angry. and i got lost not becos i misunderstood him. rather, i got lost becos there was a total misalignment of how we usually use words that describe junctions...

this was what happened...

thomas: ok, after you exit the highway, you turn left to safra right? ok, you don't turn left. you turn right. and after you turn right, you head straight. and after heading straight you will finally reach a "tee"-junction. turn right at the "tee"-junction and head straight. you should be able to see a carpark and i will wait for you there....

me: orh, ok... (and i repeated what he said and he said yes)

and i exited the highway, and i turned right and i drove and drove and drove and drove and after driving for sometime, it struck me - the road i was travelling on in toa payoh was a loop road. so where got "tee"-junction? i knew i was way off when i reached the other end of toa payoh. and so i turned right. and i drove, and next thing i knew, i was heading to bishan... and quickly, i did a u-turn but damned it, there was the exit to toa payoh was on the parallel road on my left. i had u-turned too early. and next thing i knew, i was on my way to cte. then i got caught in a jam before i finally did another u-turn and made my way back to toa payoh again.

by this time, i was already fuming mad... i was desperately checking my street directory and driving and trying to think very hard where in toa payoh was the god-damned "tee"-junction... i was not able to figure it out even after i arrived to pick thomas. and after he explained, i concluded that we both understood differently what was "tee"-junction. for me, i had understood "tee"-junction to be a junction in the shape of a capital/ uppercase "T". and i would be travelling from the base of this "T" upwards towards the point when the perpendicular line meets the horizontal line. to me, this was how everyone i knew in my 43 over years of life had defined a "T" junction. but not thomas. to him, his definition of "tee"-junction was a small alphabet/ lowercase "t". ok, enough said. not need to explain further. you get the idea.

wah lau!!! wah lan!!! wah piang!!! wasn't that supposed to be called a "crossroad" junction or simply a "cross" junction? wasn't this also stated in the basic highway code theory test? wasn't that the same way all crossroad junctions are referred to all over the world? there is even a phrase used to describe a person when he is in a dilemma at some specific point in his life - "at one's crossroad in life"... heard of it? sighs... well, it was a learning experience of both of us. for me, i guessed i got a new perspective of what is a "tee"-junction. and for thomas, i guessed he know now that small letters have not place in naming junctions. all junctions are referred to using capital letters.

so, the lesson is - when you communicate, don't assume everyone understand the words the way you do. the silver lining of this whole experience was this - we both got to know each other better.

:-)

a new friend - jason

this week, i got to know a new friend. well ok, not exactly "got to know" per se. we actually introduced ourselves some time back. but since i started work, we had not had the chance to meet. until this week. his name is jason.

he used to swim at the pool i frequent and often after his swim he would head to the wading pool to relax, and to tan. and that was how our path crossed cos i usually tan at the wading pool. about my height and lean. and rather ambiguous in terms of his sexuality i must say (or perhaps my gaydar was not really working well these days). he spotted a very straight-looking hair style, walked normally, behaved normally... on the whole, just very normal, very straight normal. so much so that some of my pool friends thought he was straight, and some insisted he must be straight cos he did not look at people the way many gay men would. it was only after several meeting that we finally broke the ice. and if i recalled correctly, it was when i was walking out after changing up that we finally spoke. and that was how i got to know him. that was probably 3-4 months ago.

anyway, to cut the long story short, we did not see each other again after i started work. so, this week, it was nice to see him and we exchanged number. and that was how we maintained contact. he is now in my facebook friend list too. heh heh...

i am glad to know a new friend.

:-)

speedy week

it's amazing how fast this week passed by. it seemed only not too long ago that i was preparing myself for the week and ironing my clothes and now, it is the start of a weekend. a national day weekend for that matter.

then again, i guessed i was busy. and that perhaps distracted me from the whole idea of time. well, let's see... i actually started the week by asking my 2 managers to my office and making them chart out what their week's target would be. it was something i want to do cos i want to be proactive about doing things. i want my team to be on top of the situation. being able to define what we want to do at the start of the week gives us focus. but thus far, we had not been able to do what we wanted to focus. and things got postponed again and again cos very very often, my boss would just drop in and throw us some bombshells here and there. and many of these bombshells were due to him vounteering to do things for people. and we end up being super duper busy. and despite trying to be proactive, we ended up super duper reactive.

and sadly, this week was not different. our discussion on what we want to focus started well and we managed to chart out a whole lot of stuff. and very enthusiastically we splitted and got about doing our stuff. and we felt very in control (for the first time in a long while) cos my boss took leave to settle some family matters. but the bombshell came in later in the afternoon. my managers got an email telling them that they had to attend a series of meetings that would last from wednesday to friday. and of these 3 days, the meetings would likely last till late evenings. damned!

so... haiz... things got hung again. but of cos, we managed to deliver what is consider priority (or rather, my bosses priority). be focused. yes! well, i ended this week with a meeting at 4pm today. and so, i guessed i will be spending the next 2 days writing minutes at home...

sighs right?

:-)

asking the temple staff

this week, i visited the temple to get tickets for an upcoming event. and along the way, i also asked the staff if they knew where i could get a burmese buddha figurine. the answer came fast - go burma... hmmm, ya right! and another said - oh, shi fu always go burma, so you can ask her to buy for you... and before i can even respond, another staff said, but i guess when you buy a buddha figurine, you would want to see it first rite? it must be something you can identify with...

yes, right, right, right and right. in the end, they could only suggest i pay a visit to the burmese temple in balestier. even then, they are not sure if i can get one from there. well, need to thank them for being so enthusiastic with their responses. i guess i will have to continue looking. and this just came to my mind as i type this entry - that perhaps, the difficulty of the whole process itself is a way to test my resolve to finding it and indirectly a test of my own faith...

hmmm, what say you?

:-)

buddha shopping

it's been a while and i finally did it. i went buddha hunting today. well, to be exact, bee and i went to look for a statue of the buddha. i had wanted to erect an altar at home since a long while ago and decided that i should do something about it today.

buddha hunting wasn't exactly easy. i have previously hunted for many years for a standing buddha before i found one at chatuchak market in bangkok. i saw it and told myself that is the one i want and i bought it immediately. this time round, i faced the same issue. i simply cannot find a buddha that i can connect with. a statue that i can feel at peace with. a statue that i can look at and be reminded of the serene of the enlightened one and be inspired by him. we went to a big shop beside the kuan imm temple. the statues there were all those of mahayana buddhism origins. the buddha statues were mostly amitabha buddha. and they had many kuan imm statues too. but i just simply cannot find the buddha i have been looking for. specifically, i was looking for a buddha that bears the same semblance to that of the one at pks temple, the front hall. it is the same as that seen in mangala vihara and similar to that seen in bao guang tang. i think it is of burmese origin. this is the one that i have been searching for for a long time. we made our way to the next shop. again, i couldn't find it. in that shop, i was really drawn to one particular statue that i was told was of sri lanka origin. i liked the simplicity. i liked the serenity. and for that moment, i almost wanted to get it. but in the end, i decided to look around further.

we went to a couple more shops. and then to look for altars. i decided to just end the search and continue another time. i guessed searching for a buddha statue that i can identify with is going to be another long drawn affair. i was not disappointed. i knew the statue that i am looking for is somewhere out there waiting for me to find it.

:-)

tiring sunday

well, i decided not to go to school today (i am a volunteer teacher). and i decided so becos bee said yesterday that he felt the weekend had been unproductive. and he added that since i started work, we hardly have any time together. and that is made worst by the fact that he had been very busy with his business.

and so, i decided this morning that i should spent time with him. we went about doing what we used to do before i started work. and that means very mundane stuff. we had our breakfast at fengshan market. we walked around the wet market. we shopped around the chup huey tiam, yadda yadda yadda... and then we came home and do housework. and after that we went out. dropped by mum's place, visited the bukit timah train station, went shopping a little, walked around waterloo street looking for buddha statues, walked around marina square, met up with some friends for high tea, went walking around again at chinatown, and then for dinner at hougang and then home.

it was a tiring day but i guessed it was a fruitful one.

:-)

cholesterol check

finally did the blood test this morning. learning from previous week's experience, i went there, took my number and then went to delta swimming pool for a 20min tan. showered and came back to the hospital and i was still 12 numbers away from being called. and to add to that, i save on car parking... haha... cheapo me.

:-)

dense stuff

we all have defining moments in our lives. these may include the day we fell in and out of our puppy love, weddings, deaths, health issues, and so on. and often, these are shaped by things that matter to us. these are often experiences that destabilizes us at our very most fundamental levels. for those of us who cannot accept it and move on, we perish. but for those of us who are able to destroy old mindsets and beliefs and focus our efforts to accept, redefine and re-built, we emerged stronger. yet, we got scarred through the process. we emerge more jaded. we learned to protect ourselves. we built our defences. we create protective zones. we change our mindsets. we ended up seeing things with tainted lenses.

ok... not too sure how i want to continue. too dense now. wanted to write about why i have not recited the national pledge since 2005 but well... let's just move on. these days, ndp, yog, mega-government agency conducted events continue to excite me becos it is mega and not because i am a singaporean. it's the same in my previous job where i conducted myself to my best as professionally as i could for myself and not because of the organization. hmmm... ok. shall stop here. let's enjoy the saturday evening.

:-)

mega-events by singapore

somehow i no longer get excited about national day parades or anything mega that government agencies organized - including the youth olympics. in fact, i have felt rather numbed about such government-agency organised rah-rahs since mid-2005. it is not a case of me not feeling proud that we are organising these events or that these events are not sufficiently mega to excite me. mega events still make me choke. but the source of this was more of the mega-ness/ grandeur rather than a case of national pride. for example, i got choked when i watched the beijing olympics opening. and it was because it was damned freaking grand. i felt proud to be chinese and it felt so good to see china showing her power to the world. as for ndp, nope, i had stopped watching it altogether. not worth my attention. not worth my time.

a huge part of me died on the day i was outed by mindef and after the whole trauma i went through, my feelings towards singapore and anything within the governmental system, or organised by such agencies simply died... all the nationalistic pride, all the propaganda about one country, etc etc etc... it's all a whole lot of bullshit... so yup, national day parade is coming. youth olympic is coming. i will certainly not be watching the national day parade. and if i do watch the youth olympic, it would be because is an inaugural international event and not because it is something i should be proud of as a singaporean. this was something i reflected last evening and thought i'd capture it here. do i sound contradicting?

anyway, just my mind wondering again on this saturday afternoon.

tender presentation

my boss had lunch with another director last week. and during that lunch, he found out that the business development-side was bidding for a competency mapping and development project. and so he volunteered me to be the project manager. so, amidst all my many many on-going projects and pressing deadlines, i suddenly find myself potentially leading a project that would consume almost 100% of my aug to oct! and the best part is this - i am totally not in the business of competency mapping and development. i am in training development. and the scope are worlds apart. i really don't know how to proceed from here although my boss kept telling people that i can do it.

we did a presentation this week and as the presentation went on, i was half hoping that we do not win the bid.

terrible me right?

haha!

steamboat

it was so funny and coincidental. for the past few days, bee had been saying he wanted to make steamboat and have a simple dinner at home. so, we called the few usual friends to come over for dinner. one can make it while the other couldn't. and while comptemplating if we should proceed this morning, my mum called me and asked me to go over for lunch. she insisted i must be there cos my brother is preparing a steamboat lunch.

so, we decided to drop the idea.

heh heh...

push on!

when people begin to arrow you jobs because of the word "development", you begin to wonder what's the point of giving you a proper position in the first place. well you see, i am appointed to head the trg dev tm. a brand new team for that matter. and since we were formed, we began to get arrows from bosses in anything related to dev. these include, amongst others, leadership dev, competency dev, and now marketing dev. also, there were several others that makes me think i am also doing human resource/ human capital dev. and really, looking at the type of jobs i have been arrowed to do, i sometimes think i am in organisational dev! and to top it off, whenever any other heads cannot do anything (can be as simple as developing a set of nice looking slides to present conceptual things), it would be "go get the dev tm to help you".

to keep me going, i just need to be positive and take it that people trust me and people believe i can do a good job out of it. but it is very exhausting. and certainly, i need lots of positive thinking!

sighs.

push on! push on!

anniversary

today is my first anniversary of taking refuge!

:-)

tgif... soon...

i am so happy tomorrow is friday!

:-)

what's wrong?

just to document this - i am not sure if there is anything wrong with me or if something bad is really developing. but of late, i have been feeling like i am gonna fall sick. and that is not enough, i also have this occasional feeling of lost of balance whereby i would get into this i-am-feeling-dizzy-and-i-am-going-to-fall feel. it can happen anywhere including when i am driving, when i am walking, or even when i am sitting still. a little unsettling i must say. also, i have this feeling like as though my right shoulder is drooping and that my whole body posture is lope-sided.

what's happening? what's wrong?

i fell

it's been many many years since i last fell. yes, since i last actually lost my balance and fell onto the ground. but that was exactly what happened to me last evening when i played with sapphie.

you see, i brought her down to the car park for her before-bed pee/ shit. and after that, i played catching with her. i used my hands to cup her eyes and when i pulled off my hand, i would run off in one direction. and she would let out a loud bark, do a kinda bouncing jump using all her 4 legs and chased me. and i would repeat it again and again... i would change the direction of my runs often and she would be surprised and start chasing me once she regained her sense of things after i removed my hands from her eyes. and during one of the runs, as i turned a corner, i lost my balance. and next thing i knew, i slipped and fell face down like a javelin. and because i was running as i slipped, my knee scrapped the cemented floor. sustained a badly bruised knee cap as a result...

but well, it was nothing more than a bruise. i did not hurt myself. but i woke up today not being able to walk properly. i had a very painful knee cap, very sore and tight shin muscles on top of the bruised knee.

heh heh...

cruised

went to the airport for dinner earlier. and guessed what!?! went for coffee after that and i was cruised by a woman (note: i use the term "woman" and not "girl"...). she kept staring at me. and her eyes stalked me as i walked into the coffee shop. when i sat down at the table, she turned her head to look at me a couple of times...

heh heh... almost wanted to do a broken-wrist wave and speak out loud in a high pitched shrilling voice. but of cos, i did not... would have been funny to see how she and her friends react if i did that! do you think she would go: "eeeeeeeeeeeee! ah gua!!! ah gua!!!"? hahahaha!

:-)

development tm

it seemed like, to my boss, everything is "dev tm". everything that he wants, everything that people cannot deliver, everything that he can volunteer his services to, everything that he needs to complete fast, it is - get "dev tm" to do it. and to date, we have been vounteered for a lot a lot a lot of things. and of these, many were endorsed and approved over the last month or so... and so, we can expect lots of meetings, lots of work and so on to start. and even then, the "get dev tm to do" mentality kept coming strong and furious.

and frankly, i am very scared. on one hand, i take it as a good indication of his believe in us. yet, at the rate he is going, or rather, as it stands now, my staff and i are already dying already. and things have not started to row. and we have not even have the time to do our baseline things - things related to proper trg dev! yet on top of all these, we were also told we need to prepare ourselves for bigger projects - and that was why we were created for in the first place. and the thing is... so, how are we going to have the capacity to do all these when we are already struggling. and to make it worst, he kept telling us we are still not being used for what we are supposed to do...

hmmm...

i don't understand

i don't understand why bosses always claim they know lots of things and that they know everything you are presenting but through the things they said and the questions they asked, it was so clear that they don't know what the f*** you are saying.

and being a sensitive person that i am, i could only smile and smile and smile somemore... and i seriously think my staff also saw through my boss. yet, they also play along.

sighs...

living within one's means

easier said than done...

often what the mind thinks is not what the heart wants. and when the heart rules...

sighs...