reduced blogging

looking through my previous blogs, i concluded that my blogging frequency coincided with periods when i experienced life's highs/ lows, or when i was stressed out and/ or when i have lots of angst. well, i was not surprised by this trend frankly. in fact, i have stated some very long time back that blogging is a way to keep me sane. for putting my pent up emotions into words provided me with an avenue where i could ventilate.

and recently, i noted that i have also blogged less. this had been so since i left service. in fact, there were times where i need to think very hard just to get in one entry. no inspiration. hmmm, does this mean that i am not stressed up? that i am at a stagnated state of life where i experience neither extremes of human emotions?

hmmmm...

but one thing is for sure, one needs inspiration to write. and inspiration comes from experiencing life.

old stuff

was clearing a bit of stuff in my cupboard earlier and came across a whole box of old stuff... stuff that i held dear and had not thrown away since as long as i can remember. there were greeting cards, my primary school report book, photographs, secondary school autograph book, junior college autograph book, etc... and then there was this one single item that reminded me think so much of the years gone by - it was my pocket calender. this was an all in one little book for me. something similar to what we have in our smart phones today. it was my scheduler where i penned my appointments, my to-do-lists, important dates that i must remember, birthdays, anniversarys, etc. it was also some sort of a diary where i would write down things that i thought was significant. and reading thru it, it brought back lots of memories... here are some entries that made me smile... 1985, jan 05 (sat) - visit botanic gdns with r, pk, s, pc, cx, etc 1985, jan 06 (sun) - see show - `owl and bumbo' with r, pk, s 1985, jan 13 (sun) - see show - `longway to gallaway' with r. we shared a fruit tree mango. 1985, jan 20 (sun) - had kentucky with the group 1985, jan 25 (fri) - overnite at beach with group 1985, jan 26 (sat) - r came over to my place to sign the photo 1985, feb 3 (sun) - meet pk, s at 1pm - meet r at 2pm - beach with jm, r, pk, s, xm, cx, pc, mh at 9.30pm 1985, feb 10 (sun) - cg outing to chinatown - r confinement (jm - joo meng, r - roger, pk - puay kheng, s - shirley, pc - pei cao, cx - zhaoxi, xm - xue mei, mh - mun hoon) well, it's not difficult to see who my life revolved around in those post-jc days. those were the days where weekends were so important to me becos those were the only times when my best friend r and i would be out of camp and where we could meet. and usually, my catching up with him would be done as part of the group. frankly, i missed those times where we would chat through the night at the beach. just two of us. something that we would do over most weekends when we were in college. but given his very short weekends, i had to join in as part of the group. and that was how i would spent my weekends until 3rd qtr 85. after tat, due to some discomfort amongst the group and i, i started drifting away from the group, and eventually lost contact with r. :-)

confused with words

chiropractor, radiologist, psychiatrist, psychological effects, physiotheraphy, physiotherapist, la la la... i was inundated with all these words today... so much so that i got the terms mixed up without even knowing. what a joke! well, this was wat happened.

as i was on my way to parkway for my chiroprator review this morning, i recieved an sms from my brother telling me that my mum's psychiatrist had taken her off her medication. this would allow us to focus on treating her medical condition. i smsed back that we should not tell her about it so as to reduce any possible psychological impact on her given that she had been taking the medication for the past 3-4 decades... and it was just after exchanging these sms-es that i walked into my doctor's office for my review.

rewind to wednesday. i had gone for my last chiropractor treatment and the admin assistant had informed me that i would need to undergo a review today. this review would also require me to head to paragon orchard for an x-ray of my spine and neck.

back to today. during the review, my chiropractor updated me on my condition and asked if i had felt unwell. i gave my response as needed. in addition, i updated him that i have been currently undergoing physio and that the physiologist had told me about how one of my arm bone is misaligned la la la... he noted my response and proceeded to treat my back as needed. soon after, i left the clinic.

as i walked to the carpark some moments later, it struck me that i said physiologist instead of physiotherapist. argh! i felt so stupid. ha ha... and thinking about it, i think i might have confused my chiropractor. then again, even if he was, he did not show it... heh heh...

:-)

looking after mum

these past two weeks had passed really fast! i guessed i was busy with visiting my mum at the hospital. and frankly, the days passed by really quickly. my routine was like - wake up, walk the dog, breakfast, a bit of housework, visit mum, home, a bit of housework, walk the dog, visit mum, home and zzz... it looked very simple and very brainless. but it was certainly very tiring and very draining.

but of cos, i am not complaining about it. in fact, i was very happy that i was able to spent my time with her.

thinking about it, it was perhaps a great blessing that i had left service and have been able to spent my time with her given that i am currently unemployed. this allowed me to devote my time to her and to make sure she has the best care ever. seeing her smile, talking to her daily and taking care of her to my best ability is the very least i can do for her now that she is old and experiencing all sorts of old age issues.

:-)

discharged

mum was discharged today.

:-)

iron supplement

spoke with the nurse earlier and my suspicion that her black stools were due to iron supplement was confirmed. apparently, they had given her iron supplement in view of her anaemia. had suspected this when my domestic helper told me that the scope of her stomach did not show any ulcers. in addition, the nurse also said that some patients showed signs of darkened stools when they lie in the hospital bed for extended period of time. she further encouraged us to let mum sit more often at home to promote blood circulation and reduce the possiblity of developing bed sores. also, mum's blood pressure and spo2 readings were pretty normal indicating that her chest infection had cleared. as such the doctors had deemed her fit for discharge.

:-)

extended stay

learnt from my domestic helper that mum was diagnosed to have gastritis and that the doctors had certified mum fit for discharge this morning. however, my brother had insisted that she stay for 2 more days as he was not comfortable about the fact that her stools were still black. so, i had to spend the day convincing mum that it was for her good that he had done this.

she was so happy that she could be discharged initially.

sighs...

blackened stools

the stool test showed signs of blood. and the blood test showed mum to be a little anaemic. she was sent for a scope of her stomach today. so far, it seemed to be ok. and as it stands, the nurse had indicated that mum might be fit for discharge tomorrow. this evening however, i was told her stools were blacker than before indicating further bleeding. hmmm. will be getting an update from the doctor tomorrow. will see how...

mum mum mum

have been visiting mum twice a day since her admission and it's good to note that she has shown progress and is recovering well. well, at least outwardly she seemed so. her oxygen mask had been removed yesterday. but she was not able to do any physical activity such as physiotheraphy without getting breatheless very quickly. also, she's still gets into a confused state frequently. and her dementia continues to make her a little more difficult to understand when one talks to her. she's just had some blood taken from her for further blood test (iron and full blood count) as well as stool test. if all goes well, i think she should be fit for discharge soon.

hopefully.

:-)

mum's physio

mum was very funny yesterday. after her physiotheraphy session, she told me that the physiotherapist attending to her has bad breathe. and she had felt so tempted to tell him about it. ha ha...

you see, the hospital has started some basic physiotheraphy for mum as a follow up to her total knee replacement as she recovers from her chest infection. and to do these session, she gets visits from the physiotherapist daily. the physiotherapist would make her take small steps around her ward. and very quickly she would get breatheless. once this happens, the physiotherapist would ask her to take deep breathes. this process required her to breath in through her nose and blow out the air through her mouth. and to help her do so, he would demonstrate the process to her... heh heh... i supposed when he demonstrated the breathing out part, he bend forward too close to her face.

it's really a good and happy thing to see that mum still has some sense of humor despite her condition!

:-)

visitors

what i experienced today at the hospital reiterated my belief that to live life in a less stressful way, we should learn to relax and stop comparing! let me elaborate.

at the hospital ward, i had to leave the room to allow the nurses to change my mum's diapers. so i waited at the corridor. there was this man talking very loudly to his lady friend. and he sounded very angry. more accurately, he sounded furious. and it was difficult not to hear their conversation...

he was explaining to his lady friend why he was angry. apparently, the evening before, when he visited his wife (who was a patient) with some other people, he was told by the admin clerks at the ground floor that due to h1n1 control policies, each patient could only have a maximum of two visitor at a time. and as their group had more than 2 persons, they had to take turns to visit. he did so. but when he came up to the ward, he noticed that some patients had more than 2 patients. feeling cheated, he went to ask the staff nurses why so. the nurse explained that patients considered dangerously ill were allowed more than 2 visitors. he was not convinced and went through the whole ward to count how many visitors each patient had. room by room. and he noticed that `quite a few' patients had more than 2 visitors. and so, he went to the nurses and blasted at them. he then told his lady friend that he was considering writing to the ministry of health to get the nurses sacked.

he seemed pretty serious when he talked about getting the nurses sacked. his lady friend was obviously uncomfortable with this proposal and asked politely if this was gonna solve the problem. ignoring her, he went on talking about how he totally hate people who do not do their work and that since he has to do the work for them, it would be better for them to be given the boot. and he related another story about how he, sometime back, visited housing development board (hdb) to complain of some discarded materials at the void deck. the staff told him that they will sent some one to clear the things. but after waiting for 3 weeks, it was still not cleared and he wrote a letter to his mp (member of parliament) detailing how he made the complaint, who he made the complaint to, and how it was not followed up. and according to him, the guy that handled his complaint was given the sack.

seriously doubted this point of his. nonetheless, when i heard these words, i felt uneasy. it seemed like this man was full of angst. he was a very unhappy man. and it seemed like he has a habit of being unhappy. and i reflected. firstly, it struck me that he was like that becos he he liked to compare. and when we compare, we would always put ourselves at the losing end. we would end up feel slighted. we would start to feel disgruntled and dissatisfied. yet amidst all these, who suffers? we ourselves. what's the point right? secondly, granted that there might be people who might not have done their job well enough. but why take matters into our own hands? why blast them? certainly, blasting at people and getting them sacked would certainly not solve the problem or teach the person how to do things better right? what about giving another feedback? what about giving suggestions as to how things could be improved? what about talking to their supervisors? then again, a more fundamental question was - did he get to the right person in the first place? for example, in the case of the hospital visitor count, the enforcement of such policies was certainly not the nurses. nurses were there to take care of patients. why did he not approach the admin clerks? had he barked up the wrong tree in this case? also, for those patients that had more than 2 visitors, how could he be so sure that those were not in the dangerously ill list? or had he assumed they were not?

sighs... i don't know about the details, but one thing i know for sure. this man should stop comparing! and he should learn to relax, take things easier and give himself less stress.

:-)

hungry

mum has been put on a strict porridge diet since yesterday. well, to be specific, she has been put on a soft food diet. strictly no solid food. this is to minimize the risk of having food pieces from entering her windpipe as well as to prevent her from choking again.

and with this new diet, she has been complaining of hunger. i think she has not gotten used to this diet yet. yesterday, when i visited her, the nurse was feeding her porridge. and the nurse also told me that mum had kept asking for me since early morning. today, mum had again asked for food in the morning. and at about 3 plus in the afternoon, i got a call from mum asking me to help buy food for her. it was lucky that the domestic helper was with her and was able to help me get milo for her. this helped her tide over the hunger pang until dinner.

to the next few days, i think i'll go get some packet beverages as well as cook additional food such as green bean soup etc for her. hopefully, this will help tide her over from one meal to the next.

hallucinations

my mum told me that the nite before she fell ill, she saw my both my paternal & maternal grandmas & grandpas, her 2 dead sisters (my 2nd and 3rd aunties), and my dad coming to visit her...

i am sure this kinda stories will sure make some people worry as accordingly, such sightings are believed to be precursors of the arrival of death. but for me, these are superstitions. i do not believe in them. but i do think that when a person is sick and confused, it is quite normal for them to think of people close to them. and so, to console her, i told her that becos she is sick, people close to her are coming to her to see her and wish her well... nonetheless, my brother is worried and has asked me to bring her to the temple once she leaves the hospital.

whatever the case, what is most important now is that she recovers well.

:-)

chest infection

mum has been hospitalized in sgh since last evening. she was found breathless, her face had turned blue and her lips black after dinner. suspected that the food she swallowed during dinner had moved into her windpipe and might have choked her. it was lucky that my brother managed to dislodge the food and rushed her to the hospital in time. was told we almost lose her as her blood pressure had dropped to dangerous levels and her heartbeat was weak. she was later found to have chest infection. pneumonia. apparently, she had had this infection for quite a while. as of now, she is still under anti-biotic treatments and has been put on oxygen mask. her condition has stabilised although she is still confused.

short trip to jb

made a short evening trip to jb to visit karsten yesterday. it was a short trip, but nonetheless, a nice one. and i am saying it was a nice trip becos firstly, it was my first visit to his place and that we had the chance to catch up. also, we managed to do a bit of shopping at one of the malls.

malaysia is our closest neighbour. yet, the ambience, the people, their dressing, etc feel so different. it seemed like singapore 20 years ago, yet, in a way, it has all the modern things. i can't find the exact words to describe it, but on the whole, i feel that it is much less stressful, more relax and the people are less pretentious. the people are less well dressed, the chinese are very malaysian chinese, the way they speak, the way they articulate their words, the way they dress, etc. very different from singaporeans. then again, there seemed to be a heightened awareness of the lines between races. there was an poster outside a shop advertising for shop assistants and it stated specifically, that they were looking for chinese only.

hmm...

meals w friends

it has been an interesting and beautiful week thus far. managed to have dinner with ming yesterday. come to think of it, it was almost a year ago since we last met! it was a really long overdue dinner and it was really good to be able to catch up with him.

and today, i had the pleasure of having lunch with pei sing. was actually surprised when she sms-ed me on monday asking if i would be free to meet up for a meal this week. she wanted to seek some opinions/ advice about some kitchen stuff. frankly, i felt a little stressed up to meet her cos despite having known her for more than a year (or 2 perhaps) and have exchanged some smses/ brief chat on the phone, we have never ever met up for a meal! anyway, i agreed. and it turned out to be a really nice lunch and chat. of cos, i was able to share with her some thoughts about what to consider when buying kitchenware and household stuff... so auntie right!?

heh heh...

birthday 09

time flies fast when you do not notice it. we had just celebrated bee's birthday. and thinking about it, it's already the fifth birthday that i had celebrated for him. this year's birthday was a little less drama... no surprises like last year, no big birthday cake like the year before, no la la over anything. just a simple get together dinner with the usual kakis last friday and a simple quiet dinner at nautilus at ion orchard followed by a simple single-person-sized cake at home.

happy birthday bee bee!

after the quake

this the book i am reading now.

new neighbours

an indian family moved in today after our gay neighbours moved out. foreign talent i supposed? well, talking about indians, i must first say i have nothing against indians and that i do have many good indian friends. but i did notice that recently, quite a few indian families have moved into the estate. for that matter, the unit just below this new residents are also indians and they too have just moved in a couple of months back. and the sudden increase of indian family in the estate certainly change the feel a little... and this reminds me about the recent debates about foreign talents. and the latest being one of our senior political leaders heading to his ancestral village and reminding us again of our roots. but the key message i get out of the article was that we need to accept foreign talents as our ancestors too were once `foreign talents' themselves. i do not disagree. but i seriously think that the pace at which these foreign talents are being brought in is a tat too fast and too furious. i am sure our political leaders do not feel it as they do not dwell in the social spaces of the common heartlanders, but how would you feel if everywhere you go, you see these people. and they talk differently, dress differently, behave differently, have different norms insofar as social manners are concerned... much as we can and must accept them, things get a bit difficult when the look and feel of our very own familiar social space feels so molested. and when our social space defines our identity, wouldn't it be natural that we resist? k, k, back to my new neighbours. next few weeks will be quite interesting. on one hand, they will have to quickly get use to the physical surrounding as well as the people around them. and for us, we will have to start getting use to having new people looking into our private spaces, our kitchen, our common spaces, etc... sighs...

哭 (cry)

ah... 1998, 1999... years where tears flowed freely. the years where my heart ached. really ached. really really ached. those were my early years after my coming out. people i was interested in, people whom i had my crushes on... one heartache after another. the process of falling in and out of love, one-sided love, getting and being jaded, fearing relationships, self-doubt, self-destruction, etc, etc, etc. very destructive years. and i would listen to this song. i could identify with the lyrics so much. and listening to this song made me crawl deeper and deeper inside me. more and more... and i would wallow in my own mishaps in love. we only lived once and it was times like these that defined our life. it numbed and almost killed my innermost self.

i recovered. eventually. i have lived. i have loved.

they've moved out

our gay neighbours finally moved out of their apartment today. after all these while, it's been a hot-cold-hot-cold-i-see-you-i-smile-and-you-pretend-not-to-see-me kinda behaviour (especially the younger one). so, i guess my thoughts of having a good neighbour whom we can be good friends with and with whom we can rely on for any emergencies was not to be after all. anyway, i wish them best of luck and happiness wherever they have moved to. and if our path crossed again, hopefully, we can still acknowledge and say hi.

wrong time?

last evening, i mistakenly change my phone's system to a wrong date and time. and i realized it only when thomas asked me about it. this occurred after the shop (where i bought the phone from) had done the date-time setting. for the whole morning today, i felt damned bloody disturbed by the fact that the phone displayed 2 different times - 10.30 and 10.45. and when i checked again, it displayed 2 timings again - 10.30 and 11.07, and again - 10.30 and 11.17. nonetheless, i did not have the time to check what was wrong with the setting as i was rushing for my physiotherapy and then to my chiropractic treatment. i only managed to check the setting after my treatment as i had some time at hand before meeting james for lunch. and so hmmmm... checked the time setting a few times. hmmm... nothing wrong leh... there was no dual time setting. there was no wrongly set time. and i sat at the coffee shop thinking hard... and then it struck me... today is october 30th. damned it! :-)

samsung omnia 2

just bought this new phone. so happy!

:-)

feeling energized

on monday this week, i received an sms from my ex-student inviting me to return to sit in for their end-of-course check out session. in his sms, he said that the person who took over me was away on official duty and that someone else would be sitting in to `officially' observe them. also, he felt that it would be apt for me to sit in and share given that i had gone through the first couple of months of the course with them. he mentioned something about wondering whether he should invite me given that i had left service, but in the end, he decided to follow his heart.

reading this last sentence, i felt moved.

the check out was conducted on tuesday morning and i decided to give them sometime to settle down before popping in. afterall, i thought, i was an unofficial member. i quietly slipped into the room from the back. nonetheless, it was hard not to notice their face brightening up. for that very moment, i felt so at home. i was back with my students. rather, i was back with my friends. unlike the check-in i conducted in the beginning of the course where i was the facilitator, this time round, i was a member. i joined in. i checked-in too. and it was so clear that the class was surprised yet very happy.

man... it was then that i realized how much i missed my job!

:-)

hose and fan

this evening, i was definitely not destined to clean or to fix things. you see, i have not washed the fan (the basket casing, the plastic blade, the back casing) for a couple of months and it had gathered lots of dust. and so with some time on my hand, i decided to disassemble the fan and wash the parts. slowly, i dismantled it part by part and brought them to the bath tub clean. and as usual, i'd use the shower hose to hose the dust off...

i took the shower head and i decided that since i was cleaning the fan, i might as well change the shower hose. you see, one end of my shower hose had leaked. been so for the longest time and i had procrastinated about changing it despite having bought the hose a year or so back. hmmm, and i thought, since i was in the mood to clean and fix things, why not change the hose to the new one too. and so, i went about getting the spanner, la la la... and after unscrewing all the ends and fixing up with the new hose, i realized the new one was too short to even reach the shower head holder. hmmm, changed it back. time to buy a new hose.

ok, back to the fan-cleaning. so, after refixing the shower head and the hose, i proceeded to clean the fan parts. first it was the cover, then the back... and with the completion of each part, i'd `gently' throw it onto my rug to dry. after hosing the plastic blade, i did the same. i threw it onto the rug. bloody hell, it landed onto the metal cover and next thing i knew, the blade broke! hmmmm... ok, never mind, i supposed a fan with 2 out of 3 blades should still function. perhaps less windy. so, i gingerly reassembled the whole fan. and when i switched it on, it started rattling slowly. and it got stronger. and then the whole fan started jumping as though it had a life of its own! argh! killed it before it starts killing me!

so where am i now? i need to buy a new hose and a new fan! ha ha ha!

:-)

the blue mansion

watched the blue mansion last evening. and i must say, i really enjoyed myself. the show itself surprised me. looks like glenn goei (the director) had really brought singapore productions up by quite a few notches!

:-)

dressing the dead

after we cremated the remains of our grandparents, we collected the ashes and had them installed in their final resting place in the choa chu kang columbarium. the niche booked was 2 blocks away from my dad's niche. the prayers carried out was similar to that of my dad when we installed him in his niche last year.

my brother had earlier gone ahead to get the niche cover designed and the photos of my granddad and grandma done up. he had asked for my granddad to be photoshopped with a suit and tie. as for my grandma, he chose a kebaya for her. i thought this was weird cos my grandma was a typical ah ma from china and not a peranakan nonya! anyway, i held my views as he seemed quite happy with it. similarly, my aunt did not comment about it other than laughing it off as my grandma being more fashionable. i stood by my belief that as long as everyone is happy, i will go with it.

yesterday, i learnt that my aunt had asked for my grandma's photo to be changed. apparently, she had gone home, thought about it and had a whole sleepless night. she was not comfortable with the fact that she was not able to recognise and identify with this new dress of grandma! so, upon her request, my brother has now started the process of getting a new photo done up!

reflecting, this whole process reinforces my belief that once a person dies, how we manage the whole process is not about the demised. rather, it is about managing the living. for the dead continues to live in the memories of the living. and in this living memory, the dead will continue to remain exactly how he/ she looked like, dressed like, their mannerism, their favourite food, la la la... and other than time, nothing else will be able to change this. time has this effect of blurring and eventually erasing one's memories... until he too, dies and fades away...

:-)

exhumation

wed was an interesting day for my aunt, my brother, my sister-in-law and i. we finally went to the choa chu kang cemetary to exhume our grandparents. and i must say, the whole affair was rather efficient.

the day started off early with me picking up my aunt at 6.30am before picking my brother and all joss sticks, joss papers etc. we arrived at the cemetary exhumation office just before 8am. already there was a short queue. but soon enough, our number was called and informed that we could proceed to make our final prayers at the graves of our grandparents.

it had been many years since i last visited their graves. and this time, i was acutely aware that it would be the last time seeing them there. and for that matter, the whole cemetary. and sure enough, when we arrived at my granddad's grave, there were already a few nearby graves that had already been exhumed. we quickly carried out the necessary prayers and proceeded to pay our last respects to grandma. hers was different cos the contractor had earlier asked for permission to start digging before we arrived. so when we reached there, we couldn't find her grave. instead, there was only a hole, shy of the coffin itself. after paying our last respects, we gave the contractor permission to proceed with the exhumation process and asked that our granddad be exhumed first. the gravedigger, a 70plus year old man, came forward and started the digging. we were told to look away at the first strike. for a 70plus year old person, he was one helluva digger. looking at the ground, it was more mud cake that had hardened over the last 40 years rather than loam. the gravedigger uncle told us he would take 3-hrs to reach the coffin. i was impressed but somewhat suspicious if it could really done. from my little experience in trench-digging years ago, i concluded that such a condition of the hardened mud would easily take a good healthy individual about 5-6hrs, much less an 70plus old man. nonetheless, we left him to do the digging and went for our breakfast before heading home to prepare for the afternoon prayers.

when we arrived back at granddad's grave at 1130am (some 3hrs later), there was no one in sight. i walked to the grave. and lo and behold, in front of me was a hole more than a person's height deep. and inside this hole was the old man, still digging away. he looked up and told he has had just reached the coffin and that we were in time to witness the picking of the bones. in fact, as we were talking, he held up a piece of black object and told us that that was my granddad's skull! within the next half hour or so, he managed to recover some skull pieces, some leg bones, a nylon sock that contained the foot bones (the toes etc) (unlike cotton, nylon is synthestic and do not decompose over time). the old man explained that my granddad had died too long ago and that most of the bones had already disintegrated. in all, i think we recovered less than 15% of my granddad. the bone fragments were quickly cleaned with chinese rice wine and wrapped in a plastic bag before we brought it for its final cremation. to do that, i had to offer a joss stick and used an umbrella to shield the bones from the sun (to protect the spirit of the dead).

the process was repeated for my grandma. we recovered more bones from my grandma, some 20% plus. we also managed to recover 2 socks that contained her 2 feet, a couple of her leg bones, parts of her skull, her silver ring, silver and jade bangles. it was interestingly that while most of her skull had disintegrated, we managed to pull out the piece of cloth that was tied on her forehead. this piece of cloth was still attached to a ball-shaped hardened clay structure of her skull interior that was formed when mud flowed into her skull after her soft tissues decomposed. again, we brought the remains to be cremated.

after lunch, we collected the remains and had them installed at the choa chu kang columbarium. the whole process took us a day!

interesting!

the great transformation

this is the book that i am reading now.

2/85 iocc - the start

we had 2 days off after our pop (passing out parade) before we had to report to changi commando jetty to get the details of our postings and our final dispersal from basic military training (bmt). reaching the jetty, we gathered in 3s as a platoon. as we had passed out, we acted cool. after all, we were no longer recruits. despite the fact that we were still lowly privates, the feeling of being no longer a trainee was intoxicating. yet, there was an air of apprehension. on one hand, we were all sad that we would be leaving each other within minutes, but on the other hand, we were eagerly looking forward to know where we were posted to. soon enough, the posting list came. one by one, my platoon sergeant called out. it was weird to hear us being addressed as private so and so... and it was understandably so after 3 long months of being addressed as recruit so and so.

and then my name was called, private sim, officer cadet school, 2/85 infantry officer cadet course, echo company. hurriedly, i made my way to this group of people that had already gathered at the `ocs' signage. there was an indian sergeant. he was smiling broadly, so broad you could really appreciate the stark contrast between the white of his teeth and the black of his skin tone. that was arthur leo. sergeant arthur leo to be exact. one by one, he smiled and welcomed us and asked us (very politely too) to load up the 3-tonner. he was such a damned nice sergeant. such a contrast from our sergeants in pulau tekong! heng ah! we thought! in no time, we were on our way from the eastern end of the island to safti where ocs was located (the place has been renamed `pasir laba camp' since 1995 when safti moved to safti military institute) in the west. the journey was one helluva long, yet none of us fell asleep (which was surprising). in fact, we were all so filled with anticipation about what ocs was like that we were all lost in our own thoughts.

that was jun 1985. that was the time when tuas was not even developed. nor was jurong west extension. or jurong point. or all the factories in tuas. the whole place in the western end of singapore was one helluva deserted. there were graves. there were small kampongs. there were small one lane public roads that were in need of repairs and that only sbs service 175 served. that was the state of affairs in jurong in those days...

in no time, we arrived at pasir laba camp/ safti. the gate looked huge. for all of us, it was the first time we actually stepped into a camp on mainland. and a camp that had a gate too! the 3 tonner drove into the camp. foxhound avenue the road sign said. we did not give too much attention to this signage. we did not know how foxhound avenue would come to be so etched into our memories over the following 9 months.

• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (1)
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (2)
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (3)
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (4)
• 1986 - 2/85 iocc (5)

hypertension no more

after the recent scare about hypertension, i'd stopped my medication (i was on nsaids - non-steriod anti-inflammatory drugs) and started taking my blood pressure and pulse rate 3 times daily. 

now, looking at the trend of the readings, i can confidently say i don't have hypertension! heh heh! my usual readings for my blood pressure had ranged from 70-80plus (diastolic) / 95-120plus (systolic). frankly, at times, i did think i might be having low blood pressure instead! but well, i was not too concern about that for these low readings were more exceptions than the norms. but there was a new discovery. my heart rate, that used to be in the range of 60s-70s, had constantly registered a range of between 80plus to low-90s. to me such a rate seemed a little fast. based on what i'd read, a range of 60-100 would be considered normal and the reading has to be above 100 to be considered fast medically. my pulse rates of 90plus was a little too close for comfort! so, i've started to intensify my exercise work-outs and do more brisk-walks. 

this should hopefully make me healthier and lower the pulse rate! 

:-)

the wedding & the wife

not been blogging recently. guessed i was lazy. rather, i did not feel any inspiration to do so. for that matter when i started writing this piece, i was still thinking of what i want to write. could this be a case of life being slow and boring? actually no, i don't think my life was boring over the last couple of weeks. in fact, the week past was rather interesting. then again, that was just one of the days in the week. i supposed it was just pure laziness coupled with insufficient events for me to write about.

it funny how i am writing and letting this topic evolve as i type. actually, i have just filled in the title of this blog before i start this paragraph given that i only manage to get a rough idea of what i want to focus on in this piece! heh heh. ok, i shall write about the wedding and touch a little about my bro's wife. not too much. but sufficient to capture my thoughts and first impressions

:-)

after these past months of gloomy happenings - death, sickness, etc - in the family, it was really a good break to have a wedding in the family. the mood was indeed celebratory despite it coming and going so bloody fast. you see, my brother introduced his then-girlfriend (now wife) to the family only 2 days before the day they were suppose to register their marriage. thus, my aunt and i ended up rushing to the goldsmith to buy our gifts for the bride in a rush on that night we learned of the news. and even before we got the opportunity to know her as a person, it was time for the registration of marriage! it was a simple affair followed by a late lunch at imm.

the whole affair came and went just like that!

and now when i visit my mum as part of my regular rounds, i have a new sister-in-law to greet me. the first post-rom encounter was ok. i had bought some nonya kuehs for everyone and she came out of the room, called me, and went to eat the kueh. then we chatted as i iced my mum's legs. and i promptly left after that. that was 2 days ago. yesterday, i got a call from my mum asking me what time i will be at her place as my sister-in-law misses me (that was my mum's exact words)... this sounded so bloody wrong! and my mum called me again earlier, saying the same. thank god i am gay and hope my brother still remembers i am. i am sure my mum was purely relating it as my sister-in-law, being new and bored with her new life in singapore had just asked about me cos she really has no one whom she can talk to at home. and without understanding this context, such words would surely result in some real serious misunderstanding in the family!

hmmm...

waking the dead

next wed, we (my aunt, my brother, and i) will be at the cemetary to exhume the remains of my paternal grandparents. it will definitely be an interesting affair. it's been 40 years since my granddad passed away (1969) and 34 years for my grandma (1975). if my memory serves me well, they were both placed in the traditional chinese coffins - the huge gold ingot shaped ones - that singapore had done away with some years back. this type of coffin has been known to withstand decay many decades after the burial. as such, it would be interesting to see what they look like now and the state of our grandparents' bodies - whether they are still intact, decayed, mummified or what...

and as i could sense, after all these years, we are more curious about how the bodies look like rather than emotional about having lost our ancestors. nonetheless, we are respectful in carrying out this tasks and ensure that they are exhumed, created and moved to their new resting place (which is in the next block to my dad's niche at the columbarium).

and as my aunt aptly put when she went to pay respects to my grandparents, she told them that they will be moving house from their current bungalow to new hdb flats.

:-)

brother's marriage

this week is gonna be more interesting than i can imagine. went to visit my mum yesterday and was surprised to see my brother home. the next thing i knew, a girl walked out of the bedroom behind him and he promptly introduced me as "his good brother" to her. i really did not know how to respond when i heard him call me that. not after all the years of hostilities.

and then, he told me that he will be marrying her tomorrow.

well, have heard of her from my mum couple of days back but never did i imagine him to be at home waiting to introduce her to me. she's from china, more than half his age. needs to get married in order to stay in country. cannot speak english, and so on. and he went on and on about how he hope to be able to visit china soon and that we should go there as a family with my aunt and so on... all happened too fast for me to even truly absorb everything.

i guess i am happy for him. as long as he is happy.

傻大姐

i am not sure why but the title of this song has been ringing in my head for the past few days. i used to be able to sing parts of it when i was a small boy. managed to pick up from my late dad who would sing this song almost daily back then. i think it was one of his favourite songs. in fact, even as an old man living with me during his last years, he would frequently hum this song aloud... listening to it reminds me so much of him...

:-)

together in electric dreams

this song, together in electric dreams was the unofficial company song for my company in the officer cadet school. that was echo company, 2/85 infantry officer cadet course (2/85 iocc) back in 85/86. we'd sing it during all the company events, mess gatherings, and so on! and we'd sing it with so much gusto, it was incredible!

:-)

i like chopin

this song was really popular during my bmt days. in fact, it was played during the company nite (if i recall correctly). i have loved it since!

:-)

sputnik sweetheart

this the book i am reading now.

dead calotes

omg, just came back from a brisk walk and i felt so guilty. you see, during the walk, i felt something brushed my right calf... i immediately looked down and saw a calotes lizard flipped upside down and started squirming... and then it stopped moving! apparently, the lizard was happily sunning itself on the footpath after a heavy downpour... la la la and then this huge 70plus kg foot of mine suddenly appeared from no where and came crashing onto it! i felt so bad... i stepped and killed a calotes lizard! and there was really nothing i could do about it! argh! and my fear of lizards prevented me from going back and giving it a good burial... today, for reasons unknown, my signs (ba zhi) and that of all reptiles seemed to clash! argh!

the lost symbol

just read the lost symbol, a book by dan brown, author of the da vinci codes. very good and interesting story. when i started reading, i could not put it down. but i thought he should have ended when the plot cleared and when the villian died. instead, he went on for a few more chapters about the symbol which was kinda an anti-climax.

:-|

meaty surprise

earlier, after breakfast with bee, we went to the supermarket to get some grocery. there was this corner where a lady had boiled some herbal concoction and asking customers to give it a try. as i walked pass her, she asked me to give the soup a try. i obliged and she promptly scooped a bit of the soup and a piece of meat for me. tasting it, i thought the soup tasted very rich. nice and fragrant. and the meat, hmmm, very tender and very nice too. noting my face of approval, she went on to peddle her goods and this was when she threw the bombshell.

nice right? the herbs very fragrant ya? and how is the meat? you know? this is crocodile meat. locally bred crocodile too, you can see the .... and she went on and on about the health benefits, etc etc etc...

i did not register her words anymore after she mentioned the word crocodile meat. my mind went blank. my initial thoughts of how nice and tender the meat was disappeared. my tongue felt numb. the fragrant aftertaste of the herbal soup turned bad. how the hell did i not check what meat i was before i ate it!

argh! well, i am very sure there are people out there who enjoy crocodile meat. or for that matter, turtle meat, snake meat, iguana meat la la la. but i am sure i am no fan of reptilean meat, no matter how healthy and beneficial it can be for me!

i politely tell her yes it is nice and frangrant and i walked away.

:-)

hypertension

two weeks ago, i visited the general practitioner (gp) for my regular check-up and to get a top up of my statins (for my high cholesterol). as a routine, he took my blood pressure. 142/85 (systolic/ diastolic pressure). hmmm... he checked back my previous records. the last one also registered a high-130/80-plus reading. hmmm again. a reading like this could be considered a mild case of hypertension. anyway, before he makes any decisive conclusion and put me on any medication, he suggested that i should get a home monitor to constantly measure my blood pressure. and he would review me again in nov.

i felt got a little disturbed. if my blood pressure was on the borderline, a warning like this would have conclusively moved me into the high blood pressure range! and so i got schneider to help me purchase the monitor (i should be getting it from him today). well... so, over the last weeks, when i go to the hospital for my ortho and physio appointments, i would make a trip to the pharmacy to check my blood pressure. last week was 140plus/ 80plus. yesterday, it was 150plus/ 90plus. i got more worried.

did some research into hypertension in the internet and found out that when one takes certain medication (including non-steriod anti-inflammatory medicine - or nasaids), one could experience hypertension (called secondary hypertension). and when i looked further, i realized that i am actually on such a medication! the exact one that i had been taking for my tennis elbow!

hmmm, now i am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea! take it and get hypertension, don't take it and i get elbow pains. after some considerations, i decided to take the middle path. continue my medication but on a lower dosage (for my tennis elbow), observe a low-salt, low-fat diet and increase my exercise (as a measure against hypertension).

hope this works!

:-)

updated travel list

need to update my trips around the world list again... :P

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...

elbow physio

sometime last year, i had several bouts of bad elbow pain, the last being in oct 08 where i blogged about it. in all, i think i recieved 2 steriod jabs to manage the pain. the problem recurred again earlier this year and got better after i received another steriod jab.

and guessed wat? it came back again last month. in fact, it was so bad i could not use my right arm altogether. went back to the ortho specialist. she told me it was not advisable to do another jab and gave me some painkillers and medication to clear the infammation instead. i went back for a review last week and the doctor told me the same thing. he also asked me to try to endure the pain and that if i cannot take it anymore, i might want to consider an elbow operation. while i noted his response, i asked for him to refer me to the physio too. i reckoned i need some special advise about how i could strengthen my arms as i could feel it weakening drastically.

finally, i went to see the physio today. the physiotherapist was so nice as to really run thru all the things i do that could aggravate the pain. well, of cos my answer include things like doing housework, mopping the floor, etc, and all things that need me to bend my elbow. and it was rather funny to note that he actually has a mop-stick in his office and that he asked me to demonstrate to him how i mop the floor! heh heh... after some rather detailed investigation, he concluded that my pain was due to my muscle being out of alignment. but he assured me that it could be managed and that i should do some basic exercises and to continue icing my elbow before he starts the rehabilitation programme.

:-)

dentist

went to the dentist yesterday at the national dental center and had a little hole on my molar filled. well, to be more specific, more than a hole... actually, the tooth chipped off!

anyway, it was a rather good experience and the dentists were all very professional. i always appreciate dentists who are extra careful with your teeth and are sensitive to how you feel when you are in the dentist chair. but there is really one thing that i had consistently experienced and that i sometimes cannot understand - why do dentist also ask questions that patients, many a times, simply cannot respond? especially when their mouth are so wide open...

:-)

animal talk

i went to the swimming pool this afternoon and as i entered the toilet to change, there were 2 old men (think they should be in their 70s). they had just taken their shower and were chatting as they dried themselves. the conversation was certainly a very interesting one... it went something like this:

old man a: these days, life is so difficult. we really have no choice but to cho gu cho beh (be cow and horse - hokkien phrase describing one slogging away). and i think i am now like that, cho gu cho beh.

old man b: aiyah, what cho gu cho beh, i'd rather cho kau (be a dog).

old man a: eh? why want to cho kau. when you cho gu cho beh, at least you will be led around to eat. and as long as there are vegetable, you will be kept alive.

old man b: aiyah, when you cho gu cho beh, you only eat and eat and do nothing. at least when i cho kau, not only do i have food, i can still look after the house.

hmmm, very profound indeed. heh, heh... by that time, i had changed into my swimming trunk and as i walked out of the changing room, i reflected... hmmm, these are 70-plus years old men. and i supposed they know they do not have much time left. but based on their simple analogies, i really think there are some depth to what they said. one felt contented as long as he is looked after. and the other wants to make sure he is useful to others.

interesting...

:-)

mum's fall

yesterday, i got a call from mum telling me she had a fall. and when i visited her, i learnt from the domestic helper that mum had the fall when she (the domestic helper) was busy in the kitchen. apparently, it was early in the morning and mum had wanted to go to the toilet. and so, she got out of bed and walked to the toilet by herself.

and she was not careful and got her leg hooked onto her sarong and fell. in the process, she hit her chin on the toilet bowl and sustained a blood clot chin. and to top it off, she actually did not tell anyone about it and managed to pull herself up. in the process, she scratched her elbow and it bled. when the domestic helper came to the room, she found mum sitting on her wheelchair quietly. as for mum, she acted blur, as though nothing had happened.

it was later that morning that the domestic helper saw the blackened chin and the dried blood on mum's elbow. she got really worried. and she questioned mum. mum had no choice but to admit that she had had a fall that morning. interestingly, as i learnt from the domestic helper, mum asked her to keep the matter away from my brother as she knew my brother would not take well to it.

the domestic helper was smart. she knew she could not hide the wounds and the blackened chin from my brother. on learning of the fall, my brother indeed got angry and lectured my mum... well... anyway, i advised my mum not to try to move around herself. at least not until her condition has improved.

sighs...

ice packs

had been visiting mum almost on a daily basis these days. for that matter, mum has started to call me on my mobile and asking me to visit her. well, i am certainly not complaining about it.

in fact, i am rather happy that she looks forward to having me do the ice packs and helping her with her exercises. it was rather funny to hear her tell me time and again that when the domestic helper does the ice pack, the ice didn't feel cold and that she does not get the kind of relieve that she feels as compared to when i do it for her.

i personally think it is psychological but well, as long as it helps...

:-)

post op pains

have been visiting my mum almost once every two days these days. and during these visits, i would engage her and try to make her think. this is to keep her mind active and i think would slow the dementia process.

also, i would also ice her knee while exercising it. in a way, i was trying to encourage her to continue exercising and convince her that she will continue to experience pain a lot longer and worst still, become immobile if she do not continue with her exercises. and as i talked to her, i would exercise her knee and ice it at the same time. of cos, she would complain of pain. but i could see that she seemed a lot more co-operative in exercising her knee when i do the icing. and it helped. i could see that despite the pain, she had tried to keep up with her exercises and clearly, her efforts are paying off. despite the pains, her ability to bend her knees, to take small steps has improved tremendously over the last two weeks.

i do think if she keeps up with this, she should be able to take small steps in a month or two. i am not sure whether the pain will eventually be completely gone. but i am quite sure she will be more comfortable and would at least be able to be a little more mobile than she is now.

:-)

unemployed

when i tell people i am unemployed, they give me a weird and somewhat funny look. it was like as though the word unemployed is bad and taboo. and quickly, they would correct me and said oh, you are between jobs huh?!... and of cos, it seemed like they also expect me to feel embarrassed.

hmmm... seriously, what's the fuss about being unemployed? it is a fact isn't it? isn't that exactly what i am now? and i am certainly not embarrassed by it. then again, i supposed many people give me weird looks becos they had themselves tagged additional assumptions to the word. and i believe these assumptions include - retrenched, fired, undignified, useless, and so on.

interesting huh? words are just as they are - words. very factual and often very neutral. but it is often one's baseless assumptions, shaped by ones' experiences, that provide these words with the additional, and if i may add - inaccurate depth and meanings.

cognitive bias as a result of mental models.

sighs.

:-)