monster revealing

in one of my post back when there was this whole 377a debate, i wondered aloud if there were indeed monsters amongst us... and i quote what i wrote:

"whatever the outcome of the 377a debate, the whole process is in itself a huge boost and success insofar as raising the awareness of gays and their plight in singapore is concerned. most importantly, to me, the biggest takeaway for us as a society, if i may suggest, is the revealing of the many monsters that exist in our midst; and that, if not nibbed at its bud, might tear our society apart eventually. i really think the authorities better look and scrutinize some of these issues than just treat this as a gay rights/ equality issue."

well, if you ask me now, i would say one of the monster is revealing itself (or rather, more appropriately - herself). yes, the whole debate is healthy and also yes, the gay community perhaps is in the limelight again (for rite or wrong reasons). and yes, we can already see and feel the tensions being created in the society... and as a gayman caught in the middle of this whole saga (not by choice), i must confess that i am feeling a little fatigue. i just want to live my life... in peace.

'cuse me 'cuse me...

the last time i did my audiometry test (aug 07), my left ear was found to be high-pitch deaf. but after some checks, the doctor passed my medical check up. once again today, i did my audiometry test. the test showed that not only was my left ear high-pitch deaf, even my right ear has lost the ability to detect high pitch too. hmmm... by rite, i should be worried and upset. but given the experience of my left ear, the new development did not frighten me. i took it as that - yup, my condition had worsened. and wow, i thought - talk about incremental (or perhaps more appropriately - detrimental) change in health conditions... then again, i cannot do any about it... so, move on. and hmmm, i actually laughed about it!

it's a sign of aging. i am sure about it. much as it had started, the worsening will come. and perhaps someday, i will get more spare parts breaking down. and perhaps someday the checks will show i have some growth somewhere... possible. very possible. it's all part of life. we come, we go. and i am no longer upset by it... in fact, this awareness helped me appreciate my current state of being. yes, i appreciate the fact that i can sit up, i can walk, i can talk, i can hear, i can type this post... yes, i am relatively healthy. much healthier than some. i am much healthier than many!

:-)

my interview

my big boss called me up for an interview yesterday. it was supposed to be for my performance last year. but given that i will be leaving my organisation in 3 months, i decided to scope the interview towards a feedback session. so, i wrote him a 5-page email in the morning. my email covered a list of suggestions about how we can move forward and how we can improve things. the interview took a little more than 2 hours. but at the end of the interview, i realised that he already had some rather fixed mindsets about things. so, to a certain extend, i felt like i had wasted my time. but on the other hand, it felt good cos i have shared my thoughts. and of cos, my big boss thanked me for my contributions repeatedly, told me he felt i was one of the strongest, if not the strongest amongst my colleagues la la la...

the interview ended with him showing me my last year's performance report. the report was written my by immediate superior. frankly, i didn't quite bother about what was written. there were some short liners. i noted i was ranked one of the bottom few. it was totally opposite of what he had just said. then again, it was to be expected. that is the system. regardless of how good i had done, the fact that i'll be leaving is constant. there is no point ranking me well. rewards should be given to those who will be staying. no use in rewarding people who are spend and useless. but one word jumped out and this word was written against the line about my weak areas - it read "he is too principled". i thought about it and asked - isn't being principled good? in my line (education and curriculum development), isn't everything is about being systematic? systematic in analyzing needs, in identifying gaps and designing of instructional approaches to fill these gaps?... it baffled me.

as i laid on my bed last night, it struck me why it was reflected as such. as mentioned, the report was written by my immediate superior. he had time and again asked me to consider staying on in my organisation, and if i had wanted to move on, i should consider staying on in a non-uniformed position. i politely refused. he had since been asking me for my reasons and had probed many a times. given that he was not aware of my sexuality and the extend to which i had been monitored and managed by my security department, i had to think of all sorts of cock and bull stories to tell him. and when everything else fail, i just told him that i do not agree with how things are moving. and so, based on my principles, i shall leave my organisation and not want to have any further dealings with it. so i guess that was why he reflected "too principled" as my weakness.

this was my conclusion. he is my friend. i had known him since my uni days. i am not close to him but our long acquaintance certainly tells me that his asking me to continue with my organisation stems from his good intentions. and i thank him for it. and so, i was misunderstood again perhaps. but then again, there is no need for me to elaborate nor divulge to him my real reasons. let's just leave it at that.

:-)

irksome drivers

have been reaching jurong at about 7am everyday and as always, i travel faster when i drive on the inner lanes. not logical if one thinks linearly. but totally logical if one considers how kiasu singaporeans can be for the logic goes this way - lane 1 is the `fastest lane' and so, if one drives on this lane, one should get to his/ her destination fastest. but the logic fails when every father mother sons (& daughters), regardless of how heavy (or light) the traffic is, moves to lane 1 (outermost lane).

this morning's journey to office was exemplary of what i was trying to say. you see, as i drove along the ecp/ aye, i had, on at least 3 occasions, drivers who swung from lane 3 to lane 1 within milliseconds once they entered the highway. and what irked me was the fact that lane 3 was light and lane 2 was empty. so, what it ended up with was - lane 1 was slow. lane 2 and lane 3 smooth. and needless to say, as i traveled on lanes 2 and 3, my drive was rather smooth.

come to think of it... all 3 occasions where drivers swerved to lane 1 in split seconds drove bigger cars. 2 of the 3 occasions involved woman drivers. 2 of 3 occasions, the drivers switched on their high beams. ok, shall not draw further conclusions about this...

!!!

ps: it can be rather funny to see how some swing to lane 1, got caught in slow traffic, overtake the car in front via lane 2 and swing back to lane 1. and all the while, lane 2 was near empty. observed this behaviour this morning. it was an uncle who drive a white 7-series bmw. high beam switched on. and as he was doing this, i was happily driving along my lane 2. yet, i was faster than him. heh heh...

mood-lifting

once a while, i get emails from friends. and i enjoy reading their words. it keeps me connected to them. and when i am down, these emails do have the effect of lifting my mood. this morning, the first email i see when i reach office was this mail from khoon seng. his words of encouragement certainly do wonders for me. thanks my friend.

it's a good start to the weekend.

:-)

my arms

it's been 2 days. i still cannot bend my right arm. but on the bright side, the pain is getting less. the aching sensation has cleared. kl told me that the pain should take about 3-4 days to clear.

:-)

zzzzz

think i'll go sleep... be happy.

self-reliance

reflecting, perhaps i'll have to exercise social responsibility myself and not request for others to do it for me... back to the fundamental lesson on self-reliance in life.

misunderstood

it's so easy to be misunderstood... sighs... must silence mean anger? withdrawing into silence is about sense-making. it's about trying to understand wat the issue was, why the response, why the tensions. can i not be entitled to this little freedom to pull into myself as i sensemake? anyway, it's probably easier not to voice anything. makes things more convoluted.

i'll have to reflect deeper.

social responsibility

a society exist because individuals exist. it is true the other way round too cos individuals are societal creatures too. as such, to ensure an individual's existence, he has an obligation and a responsibility to his society. i call this obligation social responsibilty. as such, if an individual doesn't observe and practise social responsibility, then wat need is there for the individual to exist in the society? he might in fact become a liability to the society.

the issue is - it's hard to have a common understanding of wat social responsibility is given that it can be interpreted in so many ways by different individuals. it can be as simple courtesies such as helping an old lady cross the road, holding the doors for the disabled, reminding people to turn on their headlights when on the roads, and so on. and when the idea of social responsibility differ between different individuals, differences in terms of reactions and responses occur. this results in tensions.

sighs...

99 days

today i cross into the 2-digit of my countdown. i leave my organisation in 99-days.

slipped-discs

went for my medical check up yesterday afternoon. updated the doctor about my use of the splints, my painful tennis elbow and my physio treatment. was sent to do an elbow x-ray following which i was given another steriod jab in my right elbow.

interestingly, the doctor told me that i actually had 3 minor slipped discs at my neck involving the c3-c4, c4-c5 and c5-c6 bones. it would have been minor issues had it not been for the fact that i also have a condition whereby my spinal canal is narrow due to thick fibrous tissues (apparently this condition is more common in japanese than chinese). as such any minor discomfort caused by the slipped discs would be amplified many times. accordingly, this was the main reason behind all the pains at my neck and elbow joints. i was also told that as time progresses, my hands will eventually loose the ability to hold and grip things. this will probably take a long time to develop (probably in my elderly years). but when this occurs, operations will be necessary.

it is interesting to hear him explain all these details. it was slightly different from previous doctors in terms of the number of years needed before operations is needed. but one thing is common - that in the longer term, operations will be required. well, let's just manage this as it comes. for now, i will have to prevent subjecting myself to sudden jerks.

:-|

astro-me

ha ha... now, now... which gay man does not love astroboy... well... one of my crazy moments i supposed...

:-)

l.o.w :-)

taking leave on wednesdays can be such a wonderful thing. it makes the week seemed extra short!

:-)

going vegetarian

well, not permanently, that is. was actually thinking of going vegetarian from next sat (first day of the fifth lunar month) until vesak day. and as in previous year, i'll be going botak (crew cut) and doing the same 3-steps and a bow again this year. if i don't remember wrongly, it would be my 19th year?

hmmm, lose count already.

:-)

human & animals

as i wrote the post about lovers & friends, a thought came to mind. somewhere, i have read and/ or heard this before - if couples were to have sex and change partners, and not respect the sanctity of values and morals, aren't they no different from animals?

well, for a short moment, i sat and wondered. one word came to mind - hypocritical. weren't such values and morals are defined largely by straight people for reasons that serve their `normal' functioning of their society? perhaps it is a front. a false front that serves to give couples the confidence of (often false) commitment; that serves to satisfy the insecurities of people. and reality tells me that people, regardless of sexuality, do engage in sex with multiple partners at some point in their lives, if not consistently. and even when married, many engage in extra-marital sex (just don't get caught). for human nature itself is polygamous. monogamy is a fallacy!

also, such values and morals are defined largely in the context of marriage. and when one discusses about marriage, there is a strong cultural context - as framed by the modern western world. a useless piece of paper that serve as a contract. a contract between two individuals. and it can be rather sad if this piece of paper is the only thing that binds two persons together if their partnership develops to a point where the coexistence of the partnership is actually more damaging to both individuals than if they were to live apart.

ok, not sure if i sounded coherent in my post above. just typing aloud (as in thinking aloud) without too much synthesizing of my thoughts. enough of useless reflections for this lazy sunday afternoon... think i'll go grab a bite with bee bee liao!

:-)

lovers & friends

the last recent years, i have friends who became lovers and lovers who became friends... the relationship started. 7 years. 3 years. 2 years. 20 years. and the relationship ended. the break was always due to some sort of expectations not met. for some, there was mutual agreement, for some, it came as a rude shock. unexpected. after the break, some stopped talking. yet between some others, they continue to be best of buddies. regardless, they all remained my good friends.

sometimes i do wonder, are we putting too much expectations on this notion of `boyfriends' and `lovers'? are we placing too much emphasis on the whole idea of what `partners' are? perhaps, with time, even if there is no `official' breaking up, `partners' and `lovers' do become best of friends. and for some, open relationship became part of their lives. and for them, partnership is no longer about sex. sex became a need that can be fulfilled by others. relationship is about responsibility. relationship is about commitment. the commitment to take care of each other. through good and bad times. they may sleep with others but come home to each other. and for some, they remain monogamous for the longest time ever. as for `friends', over time, `friends' might become so close that many mistake two friends to be `partners' or `lovers'. and apart from the physical act of sex, it is often not easy to differentiate and draw the line between `partners' and `friends'. different starting point. yet they converge to the same ending.

i remembered speaking to willie once when we were on our way to work. we concluded that relationships is about the `sex' thing. and i have to agree to a certain extend. to a large extend. it keeps the couple going. it adds depth to the communications. without it, it will take helluva lot of stuff to keep two persons together. it is not easy, especially if two persons concerned are very different. looked at what happened between james and i. yet again, is sex everything? there is a saying that goes - couples do not have sex, they make love. yet, when the partnership passed a certain duration of test and confidence building, making love is no longer about sex, making love is about the commitment and the care. and in such case, sex then become a need. a basic instinct. and when both are agreeable, the idea of open relationships sets in.

hmmm, this whole thing about lovers and friends can become so convulated. haiz...

i am still reflecting.

niece 2

my niece has moved out. been a month. time flies...

:-)

wat a week!

this past week was really interesting. told myself at the start of the week, that i want to make this week as `unroutine' as possible. i guessed i got into this mood cos i was still in the long weekend mood after the good friday-week prior. and so, for the last week, we did quite a few things that we wouldn't have done usually... well, at least not at this sort of frequency. here's what we did:

• monday - we went to changi airport for dinner. nothing unusual about it except that after dinner, we decided to do something impromptu... so, we called schneider, picked him up and made our way to the night safari. we had a blast!

• tuesday - we decided to eat something different for dinner. seemed like we always end up with the same mixed rice, or noodles, or nasi bryani, etc; and at the same places - simei coffee shop, bedok south hawker center, la la la. and so when at when i heard over the radio that was an accident at fort road exit along ecp towards changi airport direction, i decided, impromptu again, that we'll drive into the city for dinner. so, it was through the erp (electronic road pricing) and we ended up eating at bugis junction simply thai. we walked around the place and visited illuma after dinner.
  

• wednesday - we decided to head east towards downtown east. dinner was at this little quaint place that sells taiwanese treats. and it was some aimless browsing of the shops at downtown east. you cannot get anymore heartlander than that! and hmm, also, very malaysian. talk about ntuc for the masses... and depending on how you look at it, one can possibly framed the whole concept adopted by ntuc for downtown east to be one that is rather condescending, rather demeaning. well... perspectives again, i guess.

• thursday - again, i pre-empted that usual 'where do you wanna go for dinner' question when i picked bee bee up. and for that evening, we decided to eat something different - steamboat. and we ended up at the golden mile place for the meal. did confess that initially, the geylang rojak stall thingee made us a little bit more aware of the dangers of raw food. and admittedly, this awareness made me dipped my see-hum a little longer in the boiling water... then again, after a while, hmmm... what the heck, together with the satay, steam chicken, la la la... everything went down :-)

• friday - this was preplanned and certainly a lot more food for the soul than anything else. we decided to dress-up a little bit for the evening. and it was a well spent and really pleasant evening with good friends - dan and kl. we attended a performance by the singapore chinese orchestra. some japanese themed performance. and the drummer and his side kick really blew us all off! and it was marina mandarin for drinks and snacks after that! what a great way to end the work week!

wat a week! wat a week! and oh forgot to mention, despite the terrible back ache and the limping and walking like liang po po, bee bee and i went for korean food on saturday evening! good food can easily chase away all the blues, pains etc for me!

:-)

backache

there are times when you keep getting traffic fines. or for that matter, all sorts of fines. i am sure many of us will understand what i mean. and for me currently, it is the time where i get into many health-related problems! hahaha... neck problem, hand problem, elbow problem, foot problem... and to top it off, yesterday, i twisted my lower back trying to lift up my dog from inside the bathtub after bathing her. and i was walking like liang po po for the rest of yesterday, even during dinner. must have looked weird to many at the restaurant.

my back is still hurting big time now... argh...

typing & sms-ing

of late, my ability to type and sms has been severely impaired due to my weakening and painful elbow and thumb, especially my right arm.

the pain in my elbow would work up so bad that i need to stop whenever i type. and so, to minimize this pain, i have to type with my arms straightened, ie, type while standing up. and needless to say, do finger typing instead. as for my thumb, whenever i sms, my thumb will hurt super bad. have to switch to sms-ing with my left hand instead... haiz... such hassles. then again, if this goes on, i'll become ambidextrous in no time!

hmmm, donno whether the be happy or sad...

:-|

hydrotherapy

i will be going for my hydrotherapy (not sure if there is such a term) (physiotherapy exercises done in a pool) in half hour's time. wonder how it will be. think it will be quite interesting.

:-)

xin tai ruan (heart too soft) by richie ren. one more song from my "coming out" era. and admittedly, when i listen to this song now, i am also reminded of james.

心有獨鍾

one more for my "coming out" album...

:-)

mis-appointment

last night, i could not sleep. my arms were aching like crazy. and i told myself - endure, will be going for my specialist check-up today!... woke up, had breakfast and went to cgh in the morning. i remembered the appointment was at 11.10am. but when i arrived, the clinic was closed... hmmm, called the hotline to check and found out that my appointment was on the 22 apr instead!

chey!

beautiful day

why do i keep thinking today is sunday? haha... perhaps it's cos fri was a public holiday and thur nite i went to catch a show... anyway, had the chance to tan at fort road today. beautiful sun. good tide. other than 2 boys fishing at the far end, i had the whole beach to myself for most of the afternoon. been a while since i had the chance to totally let myself go and just idle under the sun!

one of these days, i really think i am going to die of skin cancer... haha!

:-)

energy

don't ask me why, but this phrase just came to my mind and i thought it is nice to capture it here:

it is not how much energy you have,
but how you direct your energy that is important.

weekend routines

wake up. pack the bed. bring the dog to pee. wash clothes. go for breakfast. do grocery shopping. hang out the clothes. cook dog food. feed dog. clean the house. swim/ tan/ relax/ read a book...

routines of a typical weekend!

hmmm... today is not weekend tho! it's good friday!

wooo!

long weekend

i realized that watching a show on friday nights (or for that matter, the evening of the last work day of the week) makes my weekend feel longer.

psychological i supposed.

:-)

gym passes

after reading about how pilates was helpful to my condition, gavin sent me an email yesterday about free passes to his gym and the options to attend their classes. redeemed from his membership perks. i was so touched by this gesture of his! i have rarely experienced anyone doing things for me.

thanks my friend!

tanned men?

had my dinner with bee bee at marutama ramen (liang court) earlier. new outlet. but the food was way below the standard set by marutama ramen (central) - the first and original one. anyway, there was this one particular ramen that i am sure many of my friends would like... not the noodle per se, but hmmm, how should i put it...

the name of this noodle was "tan-men". i mean, who wouldn't like men who are tanned right? i so love all tan men! and edible too! yumz... better if they don't cum.. i mean, come in bowls. heh heh...

k, k... just being cheeky. francis had asked me two days ago how come my recent posts all so depressing ones, gavin had also felt i was having mood swings. well... hope this post change their mind about me. heh!

味道

辛曉琪's 味道. this was another one of my "coming out" songs. so happy to be able to remember and find this song in youtube. have been trying to remember what the song title was for a while now. and then suddenly it flashed just as i was lying in bed.

perhaps the only song i know that has the word "socks" in the lyrics!

:-)

waking up late

it feels so good to be able to laze in bed, and wake up at 9 plus these 2 days. the good feeling is accentuated by the fact of knowing my colleagues are at work!

heh heh...

:-)

burial

today is the funeral of bee bee's grandma. been 5 days since she passed on. she will buried at the choa chu kang chinese cemetary. been a while since i attended a burial, the last being that of my godma in the late 90s.

let's hope the sky holds up.

perfection in imperfections

wonder how come i kept bumping into issues related to death recently. even this tv ad by mcys. anyway, i thought the recent ads by mcys are very much more appealing. not like those previously that was so hardselling and preachy.

enjoy!

:-)

ps: knowing that it was an ad by mcys, my attention was automatically drawn to the fact that ad is - so multi-racial, so inter-racial, so multi-religion, so singaporean...

paying respects to dad

went to pay respects to my dad today with bee bee. terribly hot and lots of people (despite it being a weekday).

glimpse of future

today (sunday) alone, i saw a glimpse of the future.

• was at the bedok simpang market. waiting for bee bee outside one of the pet shops. the pet shop closed. out came the owners (presumably). and one of them stared at me. obviously gay. the other guy that came out looked old, white haired and very uncle-ish. his partner i believed. he was carrying a dog. quietly, they both walked out towards the mainroad. tired. soulless.

• at the same spot after the pet shop closed. saw a familiar face. someone who used to cruise at east coast. he looked old and wrinkled now. yet he was wearing the new urban male singlet. he met 2 other guys. similarly, they looked familiar. they chatted. and they splitted up moments later. he walked on. alone. hand carrying some food. lunch perhaps.

• at geylang eating dinner with bee bee. lor 29 coffee shop, prawn mee. there was a rojak stall. owner was an uncle. 50-ish looking. plump, wearing a three-rifle brand-looking polo tee (in short - the ah-chek polo) and a bermuda-pants. all looked normal enough until one scrutinize the details. under the tee-shirt, uncle wears a singlet. under the singlet one can see the outlines of straps. and when one speaks to him, one realized that `uncle' was actually auntie.

three different incidents, but one common theme. what i saw were the aged, tired and saggy bodies of gays and lesbians who used to look beautiful and glamorous, bodies that used to look toned and well-chiselled. facts of life. the only thing that is sure in life, aging and death.

:-|

ps: i reflected and i wondered if some of the reason why we ended up like that could be the total lack of societal support structures and acceptance in general.

geylang foreign talents

went to geylang today to buy joss papers. and after that stopped by for dinner at the famous lor 29 hokkien prawn mee stall with bee bee. we noticed that sitted with the many uncles around us were thickly made-up sweet-looking little things (well, i did not use the word young for most are not that young... a few looked easily 40plus!). and all of them are from mainland china (confirmed from their chinese-accented words).

after dinner, we drove through the infamous areas and were amazed by what we saw. one thing for sure - the crowd was still as rowdy, if not, rowdier. but surprised us was the fact that most of the men that comprised the crowd were south asians and mainland chinese. looking at their shabby clothes, i could only conclude that these were foreign workers (labourers and construction workers i guess). and walking alongside these foreign workers were - mainland chinese `chickens'...

sighs... talking about foreign talent...

and it's kinda ironic... coming to singapore to earn money by sleeping with your fellow-countrymen.

ps: the china chinese `chickens' have a really lousy sense of fashion. then again, it is perhaps the in-thing in the countries of their potential clients.

dying happily

heard this in channelnewsasia earlier and i thought it was very meaningful:

"the best gift the dying can give to the living, the caregivers, is to die happily..."

or something along that line. and the person who said this also shared: "when she (his wife) died, we felt sad, but we did not grief. for we knew she had a good and meaningful life. and we all had given her all our love and she to us..."

so much truth in it.

:-)

无心伤害

if i were to re-compile my "coming out" album, this song would also be included... this is another one song that has similar effects on me as valen hsu's "如果雲知道" ru guo yun zhi dao.

...

无心伤害
歌手：杜德伟

真心无奈多心都为了爱
我坐在这傻傻的发呆
我仍依赖你纯纯的爱
我心还在爱你的人还在
苦苦等想哭哭不出来
无心伤害你应该明白
爱太多空隙受伤容易
互信互爱才是唯一
对你的付出都放在心里
我始终这样珍惜我怎么会忘记

feel so sorry, baby i'm so sorry
i never meant, i never meant to hurt you
无心伤害你应该明白
feel so lonely, baby i'm so lonely
do you know, i need you to come back
are you alright, i miss you tonight (请快点回来)

真心仍在与你永不分开
这一生只愿和你相爱
与你同在只为你等待
爱是纯真爱是无恨
不在乎怎么会痛苦万分
我真的太笨不懂心疼
baby please come back oh y

if the clouds know

drove home from town earlier. parked my car. about to get out. and this song played - "如果雲知道" ru guo yun zhi dao by valen hsu (許茹芸). i froze.

this was one of the few songs that i had memorized in my very old self-recorded cassette back in sep 1996. i had listened to the cassette until it failed me and had thrown it away years ago. and here it was, the song again. as it played on, i was again 30. just coming out. for that moment, i felt chong sitting beside me. i was wearing my specially bought bright orange tight tee shirt and my loose jeans again. i was wearing the gap grass fragrance that chong gave me after his canada trip late 1996. i could almost touch, smell, see, hear, experience chong all over again.

this song had come to represent my first crush, my coming out process, my first rejection, all rolled into one. i had lost sense of what's real and what's unreal. all the time spent driving alone along the highway; or parked at hdb car parks; or walking aimlessly at east coast; or sitting at the westin hotel lounge all curled up and crying my heart out. shamelessly. everything came crashing back. those were the difficult period. involuntarily, the tears in my eyes swelled again. for that moment, how i wished chong was there, hugging me tightly.

all too soon, the song ended... and i realized how stupid i must have looked. still sitting in my car. in my condo car park. eyes all wet.

such memories.

if only the cloud knows.

joss papers

i'll be heading to pay respects to my dad with bee bee tomorrow. had just bought the joss papers, the paper clothes, daily utensils... everything. kinda weird but i must admit that doing such things (although i do not quite believe in them) can be rather therapeutic...

清明节

these two weeks, we observe 清明节 (qīng míng jié) or tomb-sweeping day. considering it is a major chinese festival, i thought it would be a good gesture to observe this day by paying respects to my dad together with my mum and brother. and so when i asked my mum last week, she said that my brother will be doing it this coming sunday (5 apr). i told her i will join in and to keep me posted about the details. when i called my mum and asked for details yesterday, my mum told me my brother had gone ahead and did the prayers friday.

frankly, i was not surprise. perhaps a little disappointed, and perhaps a hint of gladness (cos i need not see him). then again, it doesn't matter... sighs.

how to say no

of late, i am getting more and more irritated with someone whom i felt has taken advantage of me. and the problem is, i don't know how to say no. despite hinting so many times to him about him getting on with the project himself, he has time and again, come back to me.

sighs! at first, when he asked me to help him for one part of his project, i agreed. and then he came back again for the next part, and the next part, and the next part. and it came to a point where i felt i am almost doing the project for him. feeling frustrated, i had time and again hinted that he should try to do it himself. but he just refused to get the hint.

sighs. and i get the feeling that he needs me to endorse every step he takes, give comments about his report. imagine, he even sms me and ask me if he can do this or do that, write this or write that etc etc etc. and despite me telling him that the person he should seek comment from is his supervisor and not me, he still incessantly get back to me. what i really think now is that he simply lacks the confidence to do the project in the first place.

i should perhaps be a bastard and not have agreed to help him in the first place.

sighs sighs sighs.

!

pilates bodyworks

collin's pilates studio opened today. sent congratulatory flowers to him this afternoon and visited the studio for the opening this evening. it was rather awkward for me i must admit. didn't know anyone there and after congratulating him and wishing him well, i made my move.

i always have this sense of attachment to special people who had crossed my life's path before. collin is one of such person. and as i left the place, i couldn't help but reflect about our past - how i got to know collin, how we have kept in contact - on and off - over the last 12 years, the difficulties he went through, and so on. and it struck me how far he had come, how matured he had become. i supposed time and tide mould a person like no other things could.

i wish collin well. from the bottom of my heart.

pilates

went for a session of pilates last evening. personal attention from collin. the session was fixed following our chance meeting at the pool last week and where i had shared about my condition. and it certainly felt good to be able to catch up with him face to face. been a long while.

anyway, during the session, he helped me through several exercises that involved lots of stretching. it was interesting for i felt i had stretch many areas along my spine that i had never knew could be stretched. and although the 1-hour session was rather relaxing and straight-forward, the effect was rather good.

:-)

jai ho

bought the cd on saturday. and till now, the song is still ringing in my head...

bmi

the inaccurate weighing machine registered my weight as 5kg above what i usually get from my home scale. wtf! and just as i was about to lodge a protest, the height ruler registered my height as 5cm above my usual height. well, no complains...

i passed my bmi.

:-)

blah

why must my weekend end this way?

sun-lightning-rain

sunday.

the sun shined.
it scorched and burned the tender skin.

the lightnings flashed.
it scared the shit of out ppl walking in the open.

the sky poured.
it rained cats and dogs.

fort road.

:-|

picture from http://kim-thenextphase.blogspot.sg/2011/05/right-to-bare.html