today marked the 7 x 7 weeks or 49th day of my dad's demise. to the taoist, this is also a very big day for it signifies the final departure of the spirit from earth. i understood from some of my friends that the reason why it was a 7-week period was because of the belief that human beings have 7-consciousness (don't ask me what)... and one will die off each week after a person dies. the 7th week, therefore, marks the final day in which the final consciousness dies and that the spirit will `officially' move on the the netherworld/ heaven. i also understood that the buddhist believes that on the 49th day, the spirit will be reborn. most significantly for the living, it marked the end of the mourning period.
well, whatever the rationale, these 7 weeks had certainly been an uneventful one. and despite this uneventful nature, whenever we did the fortnightly prayer, it would be a lot of work, a lot of co-ordinations and a lot of impression-management. well, the first two should be easy to understand considering all the logistics involved. for the last, it was about managing my aunt's perception of how we, as children of my dad, manages his departure. it is also about how we convince my dad's siblings that we are worth to be called the sons and daughters of my dad. as to be expected, there were lots of tensions during the 3x7 and 5x7 prayers. apart from my aunt, i have to also handle very sensitively my brother and his relations with my sisters. he did not want to involve them for he felt that they had failed my dad (all these are legacies and baggage issues left behind by my dad)... and i was the only one kept in the loop because no matter what, i am the eldest son. and without me, the prayers would not proceed. nonetheless, i had to make sure that my sisters are present for today's prayers. i was able to cover for them over the last two fortnights. today, their absence would surely leave tongues wagging and rumours and allegations would spread. it would certainly be unhealthy for the family.
the last two occasions, my brother did not tell me the time to meet, leaving me to sometimes rush there or be there early to wait for him. so, this time round, i took the initiative to set a time - 1045hrs. this was about the time we did our previous two prayers. and i made sure my sisters were told of the time. despite all these, my brother sms-ed me at 0910hrs telling me he was already on his way. i pulled my weight. told him outright that i would only be there only by 1045hrs as i had to do marketing. he had no choice but to relent cos i had all the fruits, joss papers, and so on. and so in a way, i held him ransom this time round. i arrived promptly at 1045hrs. and as murphy would have it, my eldest sis got there a bit late, my second sister got lost and reached only about 1140hrs. at about 1125hrs, she smsed to tell me that we should go ahead and leave if we had completed the prayer. i guessed she simply did not understand my intent. i had to rope in my brother-in-law to help drag the prayer and talk to my aunt.
throughout the whole morning, i was reiterating my aunt how i had impressed upon my sisters that they need not be there for the 3x7 and 5x7 prayers as it was of lesser importance. she merrily said that "yes, yes, and today it was so nice to get all the children here"... wthese wrods seemed to indicate that my plan had worked. then again, it was not merely about pleasing my aunt. that was not my intent.
my approach to these 7 weeks of mourning was about managing the impressions. and i know that if i was able to manage my aunt well, things would be fine. she was the point-of-contact to the rest of my dad's siblings and she would be the key person to manage. if not done properly, allegations would fly. and allegations have the habit of becoming the accepted truth if it is reinforced by wrongly perceived actions (or non-actions) and worst, repeated iterations.
i certainly do not want anyone (such as my sis) to be upset when rumours and allegations start flying. the effect i wanted to create on her was that we are capable of managing our dad's funeral and our family affairs, and all of us have our own ways of loving our dad and mourning his demise. so, i had to make sure that for everything my aunt did, i must outdo her. so, for every dish she cooked, i must cook twice the amount, for every joss paper she suggest, i would tell her i had already bought, and for that matter, bought much more, and for everything she asked, i would tell her it had been done. i did all these for i believe that she would be our loudspeaker to tell the rest of the family that we are ok. most importantly, through this, i am also indirectly telling her to leave our family business to ourselves.
well, i am not sure if i am successful. time will tell. but i am sure this little extra effort would help create a peaceful environment for the whole family. for that matter, for the whole extended family.
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