coming-out, my definition

this post is an adaptation of one of my responses to a comment by a reader sometime back. he had shared his name with me and i appreciated it. it was not something i would do when i first tip-toed into the gay scene back in the mid-90s and it reflected the start of his journey of coming-out as a gay man. anyway, i wanted to make this post as i wanted to re-capture my thoughts about this thing called "coming out". this is a phrase that had been over-used but under-understood, to me at least. to most people, "coming out" is as simple as telling someone they are gay. and i believe all of us have used it in that manner at some point in time. i have. i mean, there are no other terms that better describe such an event right? short, sharp, succinct, and hey, almost everyone will understand it. no? i vaguely remembered writing about "coming out" some long time back. i donno. anyway...

but yes, this blog entry is for arvind.

i wrote this comment when he decided to share with me his name. i really appreciate and respect him for doing that. by identifying himself to me, he has acknowledged his existence as a real person. and it is not often that people do that, especially when they are still closeted. as for me, i did not dare use my real name when i first entered the scene in the 90s. i started by being anonymous, and then went on to use the pseudonym "terence". it went on for many years until i got tired of it and decided that i am who i am and that i must be able to accept myself. that moment marked my coming out journey. and today, i have found a balance between telling and not telling people about my sexuality. then again, straight people don't tell people they are straight, so why do gay people need to do so?

i believe many of us use pseudonyms becos of we want to hide behind a veil of anonymity, yet struggle with wanting to have an identity to people we interact with. the kinda "i need to protect myself vs i need to be accepted" dilemma. to do the former consistently makes life so empty. and to a large extend, the veil of anonymity could be attributed to one simple fact - that we will not acknowledge our own sexuality. and as a result, we cannot accept ourselves as gay (for most of us, subconsciously). and in not being able to do so, we impose all sorts of barriers around ourselves, with the reasons of protecting ourselves. this thought reminded me so much of the video that suggests that we gay men are often the worst victims of our own homophobia (subconsciously) becos we want to conform, we want to be accepted. that the fears are being manifested in measures that are directed inwards towards ourselves. it can be very destructive many a times. for me, after acknowledging my sexuality, i heave learned to eventually accept it. and through the years, i have learned that by letting go of my fears (and barriers), i was able to eventually accept, embrace and be comfortable with my own sexuality. it's a very gradual process. ultimately, it is about finding our own balance in the way we live our lives and be confident of ourselves as a normal human being - a person who is not restricted by our sexuality. a person that is comfortable with ourselves. that, to me is how i define "coming out" now.

coming out is a process of finding and being at peace with ourselves.

seen from this perspective, i can quickly understand that there are different stages in coming out. and it start with a person acknowledging his/ her sexuality, followed by a longer duration of finding him/ herself and learning to love him/ herself. it is a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. coming out is not about telling people we are gay. that is the most simplistic definition that many gay person adopt and i think it does not do the arduous process any justice. many gay persons are at different stages of this coming out journey and thus everyone has his/ her level of comfort when it comes to opening up about his/ her sexuality. if we can accept this, we can then respect every individual's space for secrecy. 

the critical starting point of coming out, thus, is to make the first step of acknowledging our sexuality. once we do that, we must go through the learning process of finding our comfort zone - the balance between what to tell, what not to tell, when to tell, and who to tell to. this balance is dynamic and moves as we mature. what is important is that we are at peace with this point of balance. in this continuum of grey between black and white, we can have on one end, a person who is totally comfortable to tell everyone he/ she is gay and on the other end, someone who can accept his/ her sexuality but will not tell anyone unless he/ she is absolutely comfortable with it. yet, both may be totally at peace with their own level of discretion as they have found their balance. many readers of this humble self-indulgent blog of mine are gay. and i believe many have accepted their sexuality, but i cannot say the same about whether they have found their balance. i wish them well in their journey of self-discovery. as for me, yes, i have found my balance as of now. i am comfortable with it. but my journey as a gay person will continue for i learn new things about myself everyday.

:-)