confirmation

this happened on the eve of my training trip when i was super busy assembling the training notes...

my boss called me to the meeting room and gave me my confirmation letter. was rather unexpected as my confirmation was not due till 1 oct. and he said he had recommended me for my confirmation ahead of my time given that i had exceeded all expectations and that i had delivered more than what they had asked for. he went on till tell me that he had recommended me for a promotion and to take over him within the next 6 months or when he leaves (whichever is earlier as he is a contracted staff)...

but here's the interesting part, the content of the confirmation letter read - congratulations la la la... there will be no change to your contract etc, but instead of a 1-month notice period, your notice period will now be 3 months!

sounds like a punishment?

lol!

good job!

am back finally from my 1-day overseas training trip. was superbly tiring and i must profess, such trips are getting more tiring as time passes. in another words, i am getting old! haha!

well, the day started early and ended very late for me. woke up at 3.30am, did my final packing and checks and got to the airport by 4.20am. checked in and since i have more than 12kg of notes and handouts, i had to check my luggage in... the trip to jakarta was rather uneventful. we arrived 6.30am local time (that was one hour behind singapore time) and had a quick breakfast as we waited for the driver to pick us up at 7.30am. it seemed like the airport has changed quite a bit since i was last there a few years ago. things seemed a little more organized and cleaner now. other than that, things has not changed much. the people are still as friendly, they have have the easy-going attitude and pace is still rather slow, positively speaking. but becos of this, i was faced with constant challenges throughout the day.

first, when i arrived at the training site, i realized the so called training room was a boardroom and there was hardly any space to organize the class! such a layout will not do for soft skills programs due to the many activities planned. but well... we had no choice, we adapted. secondly, although it was agreed that it would be a 7hr program and i has planned it to be so, things turned out even more challenging as the people were never punctual. 15min breaks turned into 45min breaks, and they took an hour for lunch instead of the half hour agreed... and to make things worst, the participants had a habit to leave the room quite often. it didn't help that even the organizers didn't control the participants but instead justify and gave excuses for their absence/ lateness! their bosses called them... that's the way things are here... she said. thankfully, i half had expected this to happen and had contingencies planned. i had to cut down on the briefing, cut down on the activities, and tell more stories instead, start once more than half the class turned up, focus on the key points, refer them to hand outs whenever needed, etc. it was a whole day of constant adaptations of the materials, program and the conduct... 

well, these are the constant challenges of trainers anywhere, but to have to do that through the day was no easy feat and seriously mentally draining. thankfully, despite all these challenges, the participants were highly attentive when they were there. the energy levels was high and there was a lot of laughter and fun. and the feel good factor was very high when we ended at 4.30pm. good job and i learned a lot too, my executive who accompanied me there said. well done! my boss texted when i updated him via sms that everything went smooth, we love it! we want more, everyone expressed. excellent program and wonderful experience but the training site could be seriously improved, a quick scan of the training evaluation feedback suggests. as a trainer, such feedback and feel good factor after the training encourage me and iterate that the things i do are relevant. 

it was a superbly long day and i was exhausted by the time we checked in at the jakarta airport. we arrived back in singapore at slightly past 10pm, after experiencing a 45min flight delay due to runway congestion at jakarta.

:-)

overseas trip

will be making a trip to jakarta on thursday to conduct training. decided to make it a day trip leaving singapore at 5-ish and returning late at night. my boss had suggested a 3-day 2-night trip but i don't think it's a good idea considering there are limited/ no options of housing my mum anywhere else.

so, the arrangement will be for sis to buy mum dinner and to bring the dog to pee. otherwise, for most time of the day, mum will be at the rehab center.

as of this morning, she is already showing signs of stress and anxiety despite assuring her that i will be back in the evening. let's see how things pan out these 2 days...

depression?

finding myself talking to my blog more than anyone else these days.

and i have no mood to talk to anyone.

or to do anything other than daily routines.

feeling the sense of losing control.

losing interest in lotsa things.

i suspect my depression is creeping back again.

and this time round, i feel alone and helpless...

emo day

feeling highly emo and pissed off today.

this has been happening for a while and every time i highlighted it, he would brush me off. i totally hated it when i was made to feel ignored and when my smses were not replied. added to that, whenever i call, the phone will never be able to get through as though it was switched off. and when i finally got through, no one picked up the call. and when the call was picked up finally, all I got was - i was working, or no leh, my phone was always on...

all these made me think of the last time when i was with james where he neglected me through and through. and i was also reminded of how he behaved when he was with his ex. i was simply not in existent. no priority. and linking these observations to the recent trip despite being unwell, the many text messages he gets when with me even late at nights, etc, i sometimes wonder if this is indeed the case. and i hate to compare but i was there and always tried to be there when he needed me. but where was he when i needed someone to lean on? or simply just to respond to me...

feeling very pissed. and when i voiced it out, all i got was a - aiyah, ok ok... and then he change topic. 

pissed! pissed! pissed!

siào!

the word "siào" in hokkien means crazy, or mad, and is used to refer to a person who is mentally off. it is often used in a derogatory sense, for example, when a person scolds another for doing things differently or when a person says things that he/ she doesn't agree with (regardless of whether it is logical or not). i have a high-level of aversion to this term since young. the very mention of this word would instantaneously raise my anger. an anger so intense that i would lose control of my emotions. something that is very unusual for me, a highly-introverted person. so, when people call me siào, i would end up quarreling with him/ her and without further reasoning, cut off my ties with that person and stop anymore contact with him/ her. that was how much aversion i have towards this term.

my aversion to this term can be traced to my mum. my mum went through a bad patch after marrying my dad back in 1956. during the first few years after her marriage, my dad left her, she had 2 miscarriages, my paternal grandma ill-treated her, etc, all becos she couldn't bear my grandparents any grandchildren. things did not get better even after my sis was born cos my grandma wanted sons. my mum suffered depression as a result and had to be put under lifelong medication by the mental hospital. since then, every single relatives on my paternal side would gossip about her, and jeer her, calling her "siào". and becos of the social stigma associated with this word, she suffered humiliation, on top of the ill-treatment, from people in her village (kampong) and the villages around paya lebar. that humiliation lasted through my younger years and many a times, when we encounter our relatives, i often overheard them gossiping behind her back that i have a mad mum. i have also heard some mention about the need to be careful and not aggravate her lest she turns into a mad bitch (siào kào bù). such words affected me badly and scarred me since young.

over time and with guidance from buddhism, i have learned to manage myself. these day, when people call me "siào", i would simply assume it is a case of frivolous use of words and ignore the person. when it comes to language, i am a traditional person at heart. and for that, i have over time drilled in me not to use terms loosely. i am careful with words, i say what i mean and i mean what i say. and if i am joking or using my language lightheartedly, i will make sure i make it known first lest i evoke unnecessary emotions. i do recognized that not everyone share the same values nor respect when it comes to language. i do rationalized that people these days do not place much importance nor second thoughts about words and often use it very frivolously. good examples of such words include terms like "idiot", "bitch", "fucker", "stupid", etc. added to this, i also constantly remind myself not to be too attached to myself. self-ego is not healthy and will evoke strong emotions. and with these in mind, i have learned to stop reacting dramatically to it. i'd pretend i didn't hear it, or at most, if i am comfortable with the person, i would share with him/ her about my aversion to this term. 

so... yeah, this is a little bit more about me...

ps: and oh, there is no equivalent chinese character in the chinese language for "siào" as far as i know. perhaps this is a hokkien term? hmmm...

weekend mood?

great start to weekend! woke up early, went to work early, have an early kopi-o... relak, relak sauntered into office at 8.30... then realized i had left my laptop in my car at home...

tgif!

gay adverts! love it!

ouch... the tagline... not gonna be good for the gay image, but hey, let's just take this advert superficially. after all, it is just an advert! and hmmm... if arm chairs are so yummy, who would need other furnitures in the house?!

haha!

:-)

going free(balling)...

the term "freeballing" refers to person who choose to not wear underwear. "freeballing" is also known as "going commando" to some people. and really... what's the big deal about not wearing underwear right? but no, apparently not. just do a google and you can find loads of people talking and discussing about it. amongst the people in the singapore gay community, it seemed to be a rather big deal not wearing underwear (especially amongst the younger lots of gay men). it's quite funny actually. and when you read the details, you can see people talking about it from the health angle, from the feel-good angle, from the moralistic angle (what the hell right?) etc... and comparing, i see lots of parallels between the arguments for and against "freeballing" to the whole concept of being a naturalist or a nudist. anyway.... this is not why i write this post.

the reason why write this is becos of what i see almost daily. you see, there is this indian couple in my estate. they are both in their 20s and they came from india (my assumption, judging from their accent and their behaviour). this couple moved in sometime last year and frequently take walks along the canal between my apartment and the business park. this canal runs beside an existing construction site and is rather deserted. at night, the whole place would be rather dim and a couple of bangladeshi construction site workers would hang around there chatting amongst themselves or using their handphones.

the thing about this couple is that the wife likes to walk around commado-style aka bra-less. and what makes her stands out very conspicuously is that her breasts bounce and swing like nobody business when she walks! and this is very obvious becos she is very very (yes, i emphasize the word - very) well-endowed up there (but not as disproportionately as dolly parton). one can describe them to be like overripe papayas. and they came complete with very pointed nipples that point through her thin cotton nightgown material (and she doesn't seem to change her nightgown)! certainly, they do remind me of cum-filled condoms enlarged a million times! ok, weird comparison, but what can you expect from a gay man right? haha, you get what i mean... and interestingly, they seemed pretty nonchalant about it as they stroll and chat. 

one evening 2 weeks back, as i was walking home from my evening runs at about 11pm, i saw her doing her evening stroll. it was kinda weird to be strolling at 11pm. and she was alone. again, she was in the same nightgown. and as usual, her breasts were swinging... and bouncing... and the whole area was dim. and there were construction workers... and my mind started racing as i walked... i started imagining things. will she be ok? will she be safe?...  ok, this post is getting no where. haha... i came home, forgot about the whole thing... until today.

come on. it's singapore.

but yeah... then again, i have not seen her since that evening...

hmmm...

:-)

perspectives...

half full? or half empty?

young? or old?

cute? or ugly?

light? or dark?

front? or back?

it's a matter of perspective. we decide what we see. we all have the choice.

and no, it is not self-deluding.

we just need to energize ourselves to see things from right perspective.

...

vertically challenged

gelling ones hair to look good is one thing but it brings gelling to a whole new level when one gels his long hair skywards in an attempt to mitigate his vertically challenged stature...

hmmm... ok, i am being bitchy... but really, this was what i saw this morning - someone who was no taller than 1.5-ish(?)m but has his hair gelled so high that his height ended up about 1.7m, and his face actually looked small in relation to his hair! and all these was made worst by the fact that his body was disproportionately longer than his legs.

haha!

bottoms & tops

think about this - the only times a pure bottom becomes top is when he pokes people in facebook. conversely, the only times a pure top becomes bottom is when he gets poked in facebook...

oooo, i am such a flex!

lol!

oooo... nose bleed!

i walked into office today and as i passed by the pantry, i noted a hunk in the pantry. he looks rather cute, a little lost, but he is ooooo... huge! his arms were as huge as the waist of a petite lady, he has a tall build, wears very fashionable colour co-ordinated business shirt and pants... and ooo, just look at his tight bubble butt!

ok, ok... you get the idea. i walked pass him, headed to my desk, and i decided i should head to the pantry to take a second look. of cos, as an excuse, i took my container along. to fill with water, that is. i walked into the pantry again and as i washed my container, i asked him if he was waiting for someone (hahaha... wasn't it obvious?) he turned around, looking a little disoriented, "blur" and surprised, he said he was waiting for the hr girl (my colleague) and quickly added that he was new and this was his first day at work. oooo, such a cute innocent response i thought. i smiled and told him she would arrive soon. and quickly, i extended my hand and introduced myself. his grip was firm and he introduced himself too... then again, with him gripping my hands, i totally didn't hear what he said. i simply welcomed him and walked out of the pantry. i decided i shouldn't stay too long and should just look like i had gone in to get water...

anyway, to cut the long story short... i wondered if he was gay. and i told some of my friends and bee about him. and i could sense their curiosity too. and once i got home, i did a facebook search using his name and... sighs... he is married, has a son and a daughter. 

nonetheless, his photos are so yummilicious!

i am such a slut!

:-)

becos of 7th month?

i am not sure if it is due to the 7th lunar month effect, but i seemed to get a lot of negativity around me these 2-3 weeks. and i have observed the same patterns of negativity every year during this period. could it be due to the negative energies surrounding this month - the period where taoists commemorate the month where hungry ghosts are released from hell and that they are free to roam the mortal world? 

over the last couple of weeks, things have been really terrible for me, bee and a couple of my friends. for bee, he has his fair share of family challenges. and i must admit that his constant sharing with me had somewhat affected me, thereby making my own stress at work and at home even more unbearable. all these made worst by his sudden decision to leave for a trip to bangkok with his friends. i was almost at the point of depression last week. added to that, i have a friend in e malaysia who has suicidal thoughts, and just as all these were happening, i get a mail from another friend telling me he slashed his wrist yesterday... lots of negativity around at this time.

and amidst all these negativity, i also have my mum. her mental condition has obviously deteriorated over the last couple of weeks. it didn't occur to me that all her recent issues were signs of her worsening condition until i thought about it this evening. for example, i have her being extra forgetful, doing things that she was supposed not to do (like washing her clothes), peeing all over the house, getting extra anxious over small small things, being extra suspicious, and her constant apologizing to me for no reasons, etc. i noted things were not right (totally off, in fact) this evening as we were watching the evening tv serial. here's how the conversation went:

mum (watching tv):  are the people in the tv real?

me:  of cos they are, if they are not, then it would likely be cartoons that we are watching...

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

a minute later...

mum:  you mean the people in the tv are real?

me (a little confused):  of cos they are, but they are actors who are acting out a story, but they are real people...

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

a while more later...

mum:  how can the people in the tv be real?

me (totally confused):  huh? what do you mean?

mum:  your dad asked me to watch tv with him through the night, so if the people in the tv are real, how come do they do not need to sleep?

me (hmmm, my dad died 5 years ago!):  oh, it's cos they had recorded the shows sometime back and played it on tv. 

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

some few seconds later...

mum:  if you say they are real, how do they get into the tv? for that matter, how do they get out of the tv? 

me (!!!):  oh, they are not in the tv per se. they are real people but the shows are recorded. so they do not really exist inside the tv. 

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

i went for a jog after the show and after i let her to bed. i thought about this conversation and for a short moment, i wanted to cry. i knew then that i am losing my mum. a living person but no longer the same person. she is losing her mental capacities to dementia. then again, i knew this is the nature of things. i should not be crying. and with this thought, my desire to cry stopped. i have to learn to let her go. i should simply celebrate the fact that she has lived to this ripe old age. and i should instead help her ease into her sunset years... 

so... seventh lunar month?

hmmm...

goldar

this is really beyond everybody's time. but i remembered watching this on tv as a small kid!

:-)

i donno where to start!

after such a long break (last weekend), i went to office feeling totally lost.

in fact, when i walked in at 08:30am, which was the usual official start work time, only probably about 10% had arrived. everybody was still on holiday mood! that was my first thought... and everyone started to trickle in slowly after that. then again, the usual energies was not felt until today...

anyway, i walked into the office, headed to my desk, set-up my laptop, and i stared at the screen. for the few moments, i really didn't know where to start! haha... it was either a case of me clearing my mails daily and that i had no mails left to clear, or that i really didn't know where to start cos i had totally lost my inertia, or a combination of both!

and better still, my head came in at 8.45am and he looked equally lost! and as for my staff, she lagi more champion! she whatsapp-ed me at 7-ish in the morning and told me she had just landed from her trip to taiwan. and she added that she would be late as she needed to head home to drop her stuff first!

...

what's in her mind?

many a times i get frustrated and feel very abused emotionally by my own mum. and i always wonder what the fuck is in her mind. then again, i always tell myself she is a sick person and that i should not take things personal. but i do admit, although i often say i have gotten used to it, i have not. it still is very difficult for me when her paranoia strikes. and it happens every evening. it is simply impossible to ignore her regardless of how much one wants to do so. you know, saying to ignore is easy, but in real sense, you cannot do so for the following reasons - self-preservation, self-preservation and self-preservation! from my experience managing her for the last 2 years, i can tell you this - you cannot ignore her! even if you do once, you cannot do it twice, thrice, etc... the repetitiveness of it alone will irked even the most patient person! and if you ignore, you face the very real possibility of her going berserk. cos her paranoia will turn to anxiety, and then delusion sets in. and when all these happen, there will be so much more damage control to manage. so, you will have to learn to observe small tell tale signs of paranoia and to pre-empt your own response if you want to live sanely. the following is a classic example of what happens daily.

i come back from work, bring her out for dinner, shop a bit to engage her mentally, then return home, rest for a while and during this period, watch tv with her. and after the tv show ends, i would serve her her evening medication. and then i put her to bed. and it is only then that i can go out for a quick run or to exercise. and for my mum, that is when her paranoia starts. she will never fail to give me suspicious looks when she goes to bed and she'll forever ask - you wanna go out again is it? such questions, even if it is uttered in the most innocent manner, will create certain levels of emotional stress. for there were many instances previously where, after i leave the house for my short quick run, my sis would call me and asks me what happened. and when i queried further on why the question, she said mum called her and tell her that i have gone out to meet people to plan to kill her.

such events kept playing out over and over again. and once, with very carefully crafted and well thought through sentences, i asked her why she behaved like that. she said she doesn't like to be left alone. and i explained that if so, i could hire a maid or to look at other alternatives... all of which she vehemently rejected. hmmm... and i tried to reason with her. for me, if i do not run or exercise... i grow fat, i grow unhealthy, my back hurts, my health suffers, and at my age, there will be a risk of high blood pressure, heart attacks, diabetes, etc... and her response? won't one la. and then she would give me suspicious looks again. hmmm...

this evening was even more interesting, when i switched off the tv, the question came again - you wanna go out again is it? to which i replied - yup, i will be going for a short run, a quick one and i will be back. and she said sarcastically, you wanna go, you go lor... but don't run until tomorrow morning ok? hmmm... how am i gonna interpret that? i stated my displeasure at her sarcasm, to which she retorted - i thought you are a very good runner right? and i am just stating facts... i refused to respond to her further. all these came from nowhere. i certainly do not think i deserve any of such emotional abuse from her. especially when it can just appear out of no where...  

i retired to my room and locked my door.

she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... 

mask

no better way than to end this horribly long break with an sk-ii mask. in fact, this box of mask was given to me by james (my ex) last year for my birthday. and i have not used it yet. or rather, the first person to take a piece to use it was bee. otherwise, all other pieces were still intact and unused...

until tonight! 

haha!

:-)

ps: taking a photo using my macbook air and leveraging on the light from my computer screen does indeed make me look a little scary. haha! i think the long break is making me a little cranky!

what the fish...

it's always nice to eat steamed fish. and that was what i cooked for dinner. haha. i have been so domesticated these days. or rather, with the so many days off, even having dinners out has become a challenge. and i find myself asking again and again what to eat, and where to go. so, in the end, might as well cook my own dinners! and it is probably more wholesome too! and so for today, i decided it would be steamed fish, complete with a whole lot of shitake mushrooms, and tomatos.

:-)

ingredients
1 medium to large size fish (here i use grouper, you can use sea bass or pomfret too)
10 large dried shitake mushrooms (soaked and sliced)
1-2 tomatos cut into quarters (or halves depending on your preference)
2 sliced red chilli
blue ginger cut into strips
4 large chopped garlic 
3-4 tablespoon of soya sauce
sprinkle of seasoning
half cup of water

method
place the sliced mushroom onto the plate
place the fish onto the mushroom (make a diagonal cut across the body so that it cook better)
place the sliced ginger, chilli and chopped garlic over the fish
sprinkle the seasoning and pour the soya sauce over the fish
add the water
place it over a wok of water and steam it for half hour

garnish with coriander leaves if you desire.

serve hot with fragrant jasmine rice.

enjoy!

breaking down...

oh, i am talking about my house (my condo unit). i bought it in 1996 when it was still in the design stage and have lived in it since 1998. 15 years in all. 

and after all these years, signs of old age are appearing. things are breaking apart and getting spoilt. for examples, the air-con units are working weird, the air-con louvre has stopped moving, the water heater has stopped working (i bathe with cold water now), the carpentry, kitchen cabinets, and build-in wardrobes are all showing signs of warping, the parquet flooring is also showing signs of water seepage and fungal growth, and worst of all, the marble flooring has also started to "pop up". but well, all these happened gradually over the last 5 years or so. and other than the marble tiles "popping up" recently, there has been no major surprises per se. and of cos, to the untrained and un-noticing eyes, everything still look pretty ok.

i think i can still hold on to these for at least 3-5 years. probably need not carry out any major renovations for now. one consideration is my dog. i think she'll probably go by then, based on the typical 15-18 years lifespan of a mongrel. to subject her to a new environment with new smells would be too stressful to her if i were to do any renovation now. not a nice thing to do to an old 13-year old dog! not to mention of cos, that after the renovation, things will end up getting scratched by her! and also, my mum... to have her move out temporarily and having things all messed up during the renovation would probably be a tat too stressful for her. so... yup. kiv all renovations for now.

haha... 

then again, the bigger question would probably be - should i sell this unit and buy another one?

hmmm...

finally...

sunday is finally here. and the long long weekend is finally coming to an end. to a certain extend, i look forward to working again tomorrow. the long break is killing me. yet, on the other hand, in this few days, i have gotten used to a slightly different routine. sleeping later than usual, doing houseworks, cooking dinners, etc... very domesticated. and of cos, a lot of other small things that i usually would not have time to do, like spending one whole day and night backing-up my photos in my computer... all 10200 of them.

:-)

home cooked food

decided to cook dinner this evening. 

chicken wings and champignon soup. very easy dish. mum's favourite. fried some vegetables with prawns and fried an egg for each of us. and of cos, with lots of sambal belachan to go with the chicken wings!

nice, easy, wholesome dinner.

yumzzz!

oh, the recipe for the chicken wing champignon soup is as follows:

ingredients
8 chicken wings
1 large can of champignon (drained and washed)
salt to taste

method
throw in everything into the container
(you can either have the champignon whole or sliced)
fill with 2 litres of water
bring to boil
lower heat and stew for 45min
add salt to taste

add some cilantro (coriander leaves) aka 芫荽 yan sui (wan swee) as garnishing if you desire.

serve by itself or with rice!

enjoy!

5th anniversary

i initially typed "happy 5th anniversary" for the blog title...

then i thought again and felt it was very wrong. and i deleted the word "happy".

well... 10 aug 2013 is dad's 5th death anniversary.

time flies indeed.

new york city vs london

in a recent blog entry, willie reflected about how new york city, despite all the energies and vibrance, did not enchant him as much as london did. i thought about my own trips and agreed with his musings. 

my first visit to new york city was in early-2001 if i recall correctly. at that time, i was with sia cargo. but i cannot really count that as a visit cos it was a business trip and other than official meetings, i did not have any time to visit the city. but what the locals (whom i interacted with during my meetings) told me shaped my views about new york city. never go out alone, do not go to dark places, don't even try to visit bronx, be very careful with your personal belonging, and for that matter, your life. these were the advices given to me by almost every person i met. scary i thought. my "real" visits to new york city occurred in 2004. they were borne of necessity cos i had to evacuate myself from tampa city, florida due to hurricanes. it was easy to know new york city. with its grid-like road networks, the initial feeling of lost and disorientation quickly dissipated once i got hold of a map. i spend a whole lot of time soaking in the busy street lights, window-shopping, people-watching, visited the (in)famous east village, checked out the night scenes, the gay bars, the sleazy gay shows, and savoured every possible tourist attractions associated with new york city. and as i was alone during the trips, boredom quickly set in. the desire to visit places disappeared very quickly. there was just so much one can do when alone. and thinking back, the fondest memories of new york city was not the neon lights or the parties, rather, it was the central park and the museums. well, not any museum - it was the metropolitan museum of art. then again, these experiences seemed rather shallow to me now. apart from the lights and the vibrance, i still do not really know what the real new york city is. even the exhibits in the museum were from ancient cities of rome, of old egyptian empires, etc. there was really nothing about new york city. to this day, my perception of new york city continued to be one that is shaped by pop culture and the likes. yes, think king kong, empire state building...

comparatively, i felt very different about london. my first visit there was in 1999. there is really nothing one can complain about london other than the perpetually dark and gloomy skies. then again, it added to the character of the city. i was reminded of eliza doolittle, my fair lady. i imagined how things were like in old london, the old covent garden market, west end, etc. and it was so charming and meaningful to be able to visit buckingham palace, kensington palace, etc etc etc... this, after all, is the land of kings and queens. the history was just so rich. and it gives the city the character and adds to the magic of the place.

if i were to make a comparison in a nutshell, i would describe new york city as a teenager. happening, full of energy, full of vibrance, a city that never sleeps (and when it does, it does so discreetly in a corner). and as for london, she is like a mature person, very charming, full of character, very rooted, yet it has its own unique energies.

:-)

top photo from www.scps.nyu.edu, second photo from thesmokyapple.wordpress.com, third picture from www.thecattylife.com

pouting

i have been pouting these days.

it is a super super long weekend and most of my friends have gone overseas. even my colleagues in my company. for that matter, in the 4 months i have been with my current company, my other 2 teams members comprising my head and my staff, would be going for their own second holiday this long break. and to make even more damaging for me mentally, they both applied leave on wednesday (so, yes, i held the fort on thursday alone). and as for me, i am stuck here in country. and i not able to do what i want as i have my obligations towards my mum. and to make things a little more challenging,  she's not feeling too well and has mood swings easily. and i told myself it's ok, i will at least be able to spend time with people really close to me and to catch up. or even if i don't spend time with them, at least their presence would be a morale boost for me. and then bee told me he needs his break. and off he went to bangkok with his friends. very last minute. i can understand where he is coming from given his current challenges, but i find it extremely hard for myself.

this long break and not being able to run away adds to the sense of being jailed, of having time but feeling trapped, not alone but lonely... and all these compounded by the negative thoughts national days bring to me. adding all up, they can be overwhelmingly depressing. i find myself keeping to myself even more (ironically). and to prevent my downward spiral, i have to constantly remind myself that it is all in my mind. i cannot compare, i must try to see the positive side to things. i have to try to think of things to do. and to do all of them with my mum... so i brought her and the dog to pay respect to my dad yesterday. today, i shall bring them out for a picnic. tomorrow, perhaps go to a theme park or something... i supposed i need to keep myself occupied and not think too much about my need for a break from my mum. i guess for people who have not gone through the responsibilities of being a primary caregiver will never comprehend. 

i need respite time.

(and i am using my blog to vent and not to seek any pity. if you want to give supportive comments, i am most appreciative. otherwise, give me my space. i am not in a mood to be lectured)

match.com

bloody hell... i have been getting daily spams from match.com.

and all the spam mails suggest lists of possible matches that i would supposedly be interested in. i have ignored these spam mails for the longest ever until last month where i was sufficiently curious to check out one of the match.com spam mail... and guess what? all the matches were of elderly men in their 80s to 90s. wtf! then again, it was quite funny. for a while, it made me wonder how they know i am gay. but on the other hand, i wondered if i should feel insulted by their lists of recommendations. i tried to unsubscribe the spam mail but was prompted to login to change the frequency of updates. and that put me off for i have never created any account with them in the first place. 

but i finally did so today. i decided that enough is enough. and i found out that someone had used my email to subscribe to match.com. after some tries, i managed to get a password and login. and the profile i saw was that of a 80-plus year old white woman from united states. hmmm... no wonder all the men match i got were in their 80s to 90s. heh... i tried to delete the account but it was almost impossible cos despite being an established site, it was just not possible to find the link to delete an account. and so i did the next best thing. i tried to delete my email address from the profile setting. i failed. it didn't allow me to do that. and so, i did the last thing possible. i changed the email address to something i myself didn't recognize. and i saved it and got out of the site.

let's hope the email account i typed in does not belong to anybody...

good riddance.

national day

national days mean a whole lot of different things to me after 2005... 

it reminds me about how the military organization i served for more than half my life turned against me becos of my sexuality, and how i vowed never again to recite the national pledge... i have never watch any more national day parades since then. 

and lastly, it reminded me of my dad's passing in 2008.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri

once again it is raya! 

here's wishing my muslim friends a very happy and joyous raya!

:-)

picture from ledzworld.com

5th anniversary

it would be dad's 5th death anniversary in 2 day's time.

had almost forgotten about it until this morning when i casually spoke about going to the columbarium to pay respects to him.

time flies.

picture from www.flowers-magzine.com

breakfast

i brought mum out for breakfast today.

my spine was totally off today and it was very uncomfortable. such discomfort occurs whenever i miss my routine work-out for more a couple of days, and i had not had a good work out for a couple of days. i had wanted to have a good work out last evening when after a call, my mum went bonkers and i decided to call it off.

as i drove mum out for breakfast, i fidgeted quite a bit in the car and let off a couple of sighs. it was very uncomfortable. mum was extra sensitive and asked why i sighed. i told her about the pain and about how i had missed my workout. once again, she became defensive and said she did not stop me. and after that her mood changed. she became quiet. 

throughout breakfast, she pulled a long face. and she did not want to talk. when i asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner, she said i should just buy her bread and that i should not bother to cook for her. it was obvious she was emo-ing. i didn't respond to her mood-swing but simply walk her around the market. we walked pass the joss paper shop and i casually asked if she wanted to head to the columbarium to pay respects to my late dad. that brightened her up. she agreed right away. suddenly she was so full of energy and asked me to buy lots of stuff such as offerings for the gods, for dad, for my grandparents etc...

well, for now, she seemed ok. let's hope her moods are maintained.

he called...

was sitting with mum yesterday at the tv watching the evening serial as usual. and i was playing games on my iphone. and bee called. as i was playing my game, i automatically tapped on the answer and his voice came through. i can't talk i said. and he hung up immediately.

mum looked at me. and immediately, she asked if bee called. i brushed it off and said it was an overseas call. i was not lying. and she repeated asking. he called right? i could hear his voice. it was so loud. she half demanded to know. i didn't answer. and after that i could see her whole person changed. it was almost an instant change in personality. the tv show ended 5min later. after giving her her medication, she didn't move from the sofa as she usually would.

i asked her to retire to bed and reminded her to wash her dentures before that. she asked if i was going out, to which i answered i would be going for my routine evening runs. she kept quiet and proceeded to bed. and she tossed and turned. i asked her why she didn't sleep. she said she was not sleepy and said every evening i would return very very late when i went out for my runs (which was not true). i denied it. it was obvious she was not her usual self.

i decided not to leave the house last night in the end.

it was such incidents that create mental tensions for me. 

emotional stress.

sighs

bee went off with his friends to bangkok for holiday over this long weekend. a last minute arrangement...

mannerism...

after mum got discharged from the hospital today, i brought her to the hawker center for lunch (frankly, it was her second lunch, but well... what the heck, she could do with some fresh air)... i was queuing up for food for mum when i saw a familiar face. there was this feisty-looking elderly lady, in her 70s i guess, but still cheery and energetic. she had just bought her lunch and had made her way back to the table where all her (elderly) friends were. this lady looked like miss ang, i told myself. 

miss ang lay sian was my primary 5 form teacher when i attended telok kurau east school back in 1978. vaguely, i recalled her teaching me english and science. other than that, all i could recall of her was when she invited the class to visit her house in tanjong katong. it was during the school holidays. and as a pre-school holiday assignment, we were supposed to write a letter to her. i still recalled my second sister helping me with writing miss ang's address on the envelop. there were 3 possible ways to write an address block, she told me. one could either align all the sentences to the left (left justification), to the center (center justification), or to start the next line a little more to the right, and the next line, and the next line... such that the whole address block would look like it is slanting to the left, i was told. anyway, the task given to us was to send her either a letter or a post card. and we had to do it by a certain time. miss ang then invited us to her house in the middle of the holiday so that she could debrief us about our first efforts in sending letters. heh heh...

ok, i have digressed... back to this morning. after giving mum her lunch, i walked up to the elderly lady and asked if she was indeed miss ang. she confirmed she was... it was a really nice surprise. well... we spoke for a while, her first reaction after i introduced myself was - oh, in that case, you must have also known mrs xxxx chan (i couldn't really hear which mrs chan, but as i was rather excited, i simply nodded my head)... well, we just came from her funeral... oh dear...

well, we spoke for a while. initially it seemed she couldn't recall who i was, but as we spoke, she exclaimed, ahhhh... i remember! you attended tjc, as she pointed to the junior college nearby. yes i said! and she added... i remember, i remember, and your mannerism has not changed all these years!... haha... we continued talking in general, about where she stays now, about what i am doing etc. and i got her contact number so that i can still keep contact with her. soon enough, i excused myself and went ahead with my lunch. 

but now, thinking back, i really wondered what she meant when she said she remembered my mannerism...

hmmm...

:-)

skippity skip...

some years back (must have been a decade or more...), i gave a call to my secondary school science teacher. when i called her, she was already in her late-50s, early-50s. i called her to wish her happy teacher's day, and to tell her that i remembered her, and to thank her for giving her best when she taught us science. i could do so cos in those days, there was no mobile phones and the singapore phone directory still publish people's home phone numbers... 

i couldn't recall the whole conversation except that we spoke for quite a long while. and we reminisce about the secondary school days. it was an interesting and very warm conversation. i couldn't really recall all the details of the conversation except that she said i used to skip and bounce around back then. she shared that as a secondary 2 kid, i was rather well-known amongst the teachers at that time to be a kid who was playful yet serious (about my studies), about being well-known for behaving well... and most funnily, that i was known to skip from point-to-point, that is, i didn't walk like normal kids, i skip! haha... and she related how surprised she was, to see me actually walking and in a very deliberate and down-to-earth manner, when i returned to school one day a few years after graduation.

that particular remark stuck onto my head. till today, i still treasure those interesting and carefree secondary school days!

:-)

picture from www.stiltwalkers.co.uk

mum's hospitalised

mum was hospitalised on thursday and got discharged today.

well, what happened was, i took half day off on thursday to collect mum's medication from the mental institute (for her dementia). and at the clinic, i got a call from mum's rehab center staff telling me she refused to go for rehab. she said she wanted to see the doctor...

i rushed home, brought her to the hospital and she was warded immediately. breathlessness. and her hospitalisation couldn't have come at a better time. you see, i was so worried about how to manage her cos i had to work on saturday. and i was dead worried that my change in routine would affect her. and when the hospital called me up on friday telling me she could be discharged on saturday, i requested for them to allow her to stay for one more day. i rationalized it would be nice if she could stay there one more day and to allow the nurses to take care of her. and as for me, i do really need this respite from her. the doctor that spoke with me understood my request and arranged it accordingly.

and so, i managed to have my mental break during these 2 days. and when she was in there, bee took the opportunity to stay over and spend some time with me.

:-)

some curious observations

here's some funny experiences and interesting observations of mine over time...

• when i was a small boy, i always thought ducks are male and chickens are female... i never wonder where cockerels are placed in the animal kingdom... (although as an adult, i learned that male prostitutes are referred to as ducks whereas female prostitutes, chickens)

singapore coat of arms

• ditto above for lions and tigers, that lions are male and tigers are female. haha, i supposed this was in part due to the 2 creatures constantly being shown together in many aspects of our lives (eg our national coat of arms)

• i always see balding men keep one side of their hair long, so long that they can comb it all the way across their bald head down to the other side of their head.

drained...

feeling superbly drained.

been so since i left for kl to attend the course and seemed to be getting worst. there do not seem to have an end to the problems in sight too. and increasingly, i find myself getting short-tempered, and impatient. and also, i am getting increasingly disinterested in people and things around me. 

how nice if i can just hide in a corner and ignore the world.

ok, i need to sleep.

wolverine

caught the latest wolverine show last night

it was indeed quite an interesting show. frankly, there were a few surprise moments for me and they had nothing to do with the show. for example, i was surprised by the deliberate inclusion of culture-education moments such as how wolverine was told off nicely for sticking his chopsticks vertically into the rice. taboo, he was told, for this act is akin to sticking joss sticks into the urn when one pays respects to the dead. haha... and i begged to differ that it was just a japanese thing. instead, i would say it is an asian thing! seriously, i think many singaporeans are guilty of this too, much to my disgust!

hugh jackman as wolverine in the wolverine 2013 movie

and oh, i forgot to mention that there was a split second clip of him naked, but of cos, you could only see his butt. and yes... i stand by what i said before. hugh jackman is best when he plays wolverine.

:-)

picture from http://media.hammerandnigel.com/

what a saturday!

today's a packed day. did my laundry, brought mum out for breakfast, then brought her to perm her hair, then to the pool to waste some time before picking her up again, she wanted to eat rojak and so we headed to the market, then did some marketing before heading home to cook nonya chap chye. and then after that, brought her and the dog to the temple...

reached home just in time to prepare dinner...

and i am now taking a rest after downing 4 bowls of chap chye! heh... will be heading out for a movie at midnight.

hmmm... just typing the events make me tired. haha... anyway, at the pool, i changed up and went to the side of the pool and at that moment, i didn't feel like swimming. afterall, it had been a long while since i swam. and so, i started playing my games (in my iphone). suddenly, it struck me that i was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and that is the same colour as what the lifeguards were wearing. hmmm... i am so never going to the pool again in yellow!

:-)

twitching eye

my left eye is twitching again. been so for the last 2 days...

uncomfortable.

yay! friday!

nope.. nope. not really quite. yet.

then again, i am so happy friday is coming up! been a super long and difficult week for me at work and at home. superbly intense and terribly hectic. all these plus the need to manage a very upset mum. so... yeah, i look forward to the coming weekend! and guess what? i managed to run about 3km non-stop today. been a long while since i was able to do that.

i feel good.

:-)

of monsters & men

haha! thanks to soul, i got to know this song. it's really very catchy. and there's this special feel about it. the way it was produced, the song, the mixing, the way everything was assembled. i cannot describe. that kinda semi-fairy tale land, semi-real yet dreamlike kinda feel to it. whatever, it is just very catchy and nice. 

thanks soul!

:-)

lyrics

hey! hey! hey!

i don't like walking around this old and empty house
so hold my hand, i'll walk with you my dear

the stairs creak as i sleep, it's keeping me awake
it's the house telling you to close your eyes

some days i can't even dress myself
it's killing me to see you this way

'cause though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

hey! hey! hey!

there's an old voice in my head, that's holding me back
well tell her that i miss our little talks

soon it will all be over, buried with our past
we used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love

some days i feel like i'm wrong when i am right
your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

'cause though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

hey! don't listen to a word i say
hey! the screams all sound the same
hey!

though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

you're gone, gone, gone away, i watched you disappear
all that's left is a ghost of you. now we're torn, torn, torn apart
there's nothing we can do, just let me go, we'll meet again soon

now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around, i'll see you when i fall asleep

hey! don't listen to a word i say
hey! the screams all sound the same
hey!

though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

hey! don't listen to a word i say
hey! the screams all sound the same
hey!

though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore (x2)

of butts & bulges

just a random early morning thought. and this thought came as i was eating my breakfast and a saw a taut bubble-butt guy walked by to purchase food.

why is it quite acceptable and probably normal for woman to talk about another woman's breasts and beauty? and on the other hand, it is quite unacceptable socially, and odd for a guy to talk about (and i am not even talking about admiring) another guy's butt and bulge?

i mean, i won't even think twice of articulating my thoughts about another guy's bulge to my colleague. can you imagine this - wa... this guy is cute! and wohhh, just look at his bulge! haha... i suppose there will be a range of answers, opinions and so on to my thought. but yeah, this thought just crossed my mind in a flash when the taut bubble-butt guy walked pass...

:-)

long day

it was a super bloody long day... went to work at 8am, whole day of meeting, rushed home at 6.15pm, brought mum out to visit the chiro, for dinner, and to do a bit of shopping and continued working till now. i am totally dead beat (yeah right, but still have energy to blog). but well, i am writing this post not just to capture the long day at work. but rather, i wanted to just pen down some pointers about what happened during the day that added to the more than challenging day i had...

• went to work early to carry on the discussions of the course my team attended last week. discussions did not end till past 1pm. and the long drawn process was, in my opinion, due to many unproductive moments where people argue, chit chat, got distracted, walked out of the room, etc etc etc... and in the end, i missed my lunch. 

• we had to convene at 4pm to carry on the discussion cos we need to get the slides out in time for presentation to top management on thursday! and yes, i am the scribe and the consolidator of all the slides. freaking challenging considering everyone has his/ her view of what needs to be reflected... 

• during the period between 2pm to 4pm, my big boss dropped a few bombshells onto me. restructuring, projected internal movement of people that may see me being stripped off my only staff, slide preparations for his presentations, etc... i was like - wt... arghhhh!

• and amidst all these, the rush to co-ordinate training for the next couple of days!

things are just a little too overwhelming today... but heh heh... just need to laugh it off and push on. and of cos the positive side to this is - i think i will be able to sleep very well tonight!

:-)

fucking diplomats

i hate diplomatics who abuse their benefits... went for a show with bee yesterday at great (gay) world city and after that as i drove out onto the road, i almost had an accident. a speeding car zipped in and out of the road and overtook us just a hair-distance away from the side of my car.

the car belonged to a diplomat whose car carries that number plate s9925cd. and he continued cutting in and out of the traffic as he sped through. the car screeched to a halt at the traffic light and that was when i caught up and managed to see who the driver was. it was a youngish (30's?) bespectacled ang mo with another shoulder-length blond-haired woman. and it was a left-hand driven car. bloody hell! just because you are a diplomat and has diplomatic immunity, that does not give you the right to behave in such gangsterish manner on the road! 

shame on you and shame on your country!

despicable me 2

went to watch despicable me 2 last night with bee. and yes, i actually enjoyed it tremendously. brainless and straight forward show with no need to think too much. and just simply sit back, relax, let go and just laugh.

i really needed that after a hectic week on course.

:-)

waiting for krismas

at the kuala lumpur lcct yesterday, this incident kinda top off the lcct experience for me...

after the immigration, there was a queue for bag x-ray screening. there was a pre-board team of 5-6 security personnel managing the screening process. somehow the pre-board team seemed rather disorganised and often the staff did not focus too much on the screening process and had the habit to chit chat. and during one of the chats, the screening got disrupted. a lady placed her bag on the x-ray machine and proceeded to walk through the wtmd (walk-through metal detector). apparently the bag was not placed properly and did not move into the x-ray machine. and the queue stalled. 

some 1-2 minutes later, the pre-board team realized something was wrong and a lady wearing tudung on the other side of the x-ray shouted out to us... eh eh... kenapa tak mahu jalan? eh eh! jalan la... (eh eh, why don't want to move? eh eh, move la)... of cos, we couldn't cos the bag didn't move and no one wanted to take the initiative to move it. i supposed everybody assumed there was an issue with the screening process and we all had to wait (it was the airport after all right?). 

noting that nothing happened after she screamed at us, she grumpily walked through the wtmd (walk-through metal detector) towards us and that was when she saw the bag. looking unhappy, she went eh eh... ni beg siapa la? beg letak sini, mesti tak boleh jalan la! tsk tsk tsk... eh eh! ni beg siapa ha? mahu tunggu siapa? krismas karrrrrrr? ya allah... hari raya belum sampai, orang sudah mahu tunngu krismas! (eh eh, whose bag is this? with the bag left here, of course, it won't move! ... waiting for what? christmas is it? omg... hari raya has not even arrive and people are already waiting for christmas...) the owner of the bag had apparently been cleared ran out again and pushed the bag into the x-ray machine. 

it was only then that the queue started moving again. and the tudung lady continue joking about the bag waiting for christmas with the rest of the team. i was dumbfounded for that moment. if it were to happen at changi airport, the security officer would have been sacked straight away!

lcct

i was supposed to leave kl at 4.15pm and to arrive back sgp at 5.30pm. but somehow, i arrived at the lcct an hour ahead of schedule. and i decided to bring my flight forward. the counter girl wanted to charge me rm150 for changing flight but after i explained i was a staff, she did it for free. heh heh...

well, it was my first time in lcct. not that i fly to kl often. actually, apart from one single trip more than a decade ago, all my kl trips were self-driven. so it was kinda interesting for me to fly in and out of kl via lcct. and i must admit that i didn't even know there is a lcct in the first place. and you can imagine my bewilderment when francis asked me if i were landing in the lock-cock-terminal (or the demeaning slang for "lcct" - lock-cock in hokkien means in bad shape/ run-down state). it was not until much later when i learned that lcct meant - low cost carrier terminal. doh!

anyway, my first impression of the terminal was - ooooh, it looked and felt like a bus terminal! heh... lots of people pushing their way around getting up and down air planes, rude service staff (will write a separate post on this), rowdy people, and people who were dressed like as though they had just finished farming and didn't have time to wash their face and comb their hair. urgh! you get what i mean. it was not a good experience actually, but from another perspective, quite interesting nonetheless. 

:-)

depressed mum

picked mum up this morning... she seemed ok. but once she got into the car, she started complaining about my brother. she said he chased her out of the house 2 nights ago, but as it was late at night, she was afraid to leave the house and decided to stay. and she said she had been crying since...

nonetheless, the day seemed ok for her. after picking her from my brother's place, i brought her out for breakfast, bought lots of her favorite stuff. durians, biscuits, ingredients for her favourite chicken and mushrroom soup, roast pork & pig's head meat, etc... then home. and through the day, she kept herself busy watching tv while i cleaned the house and washed the car... she seemed pretty ok. she was cheerful when she ate her dinner. i brought her out for a walk after dinner and bought her her benedictine dom (she's rather happy about it), 

and on our way home, all of a sudden, she turned quiet. i asked her why, and she said she's still upset about how my brother scolded her, and for a moment, she said my dad scolded her... it was as though suddenly her memory got all screwed up again. and then she turned moody and started to look down. i did what i need to do, apart from assuring her that everything is ok, i gave her sleeping tablets. hopefully, it would help calm her down and allow her to sleep without any nightmares. 

it would be a disaster if her delusion is triggered where she would see my grandfather etc. and when that happens, tomorrow will be bad... let's hope for the best. for now, i decided against going for my run. 

hmmm...

home

spend the whole morning in the hotel room doing my work. arrived at the airport early and decided to change my flight to an earlier one. managed to do so without extra charges as i was on staff travel. finally arrived home!

mum has been impatient to come home. apparently, she had mentioned about my uncle (her brother) to my bro yesterday and as my bro doesn't like her side of the family, he scolded her and according to her, asked her to get out of the house. and that was the cause of her major tensions. she seemed ok today... told her i will pick her first thing tomorrow morning for breakfast and home...

:-)