i am not sure if it is due to the 7th lunar month effect, but i seemed to get a lot of negativity around me these 2-3 weeks. and i have observed the same patterns of negativity every year during this period. could it be due to the negative energies surrounding this month - the period where taoists commemorate the month where hungry ghosts are released from hell and that they are free to roam the mortal world?
over the last couple of weeks, things have been really terrible for me, bee and a couple of my friends. for bee, he has his fair share of family challenges. and i must admit that his constant sharing with me had somewhat affected me, thereby making my own stress at work and at home even more unbearable. all these made worst by his sudden decision to leave for a trip to bangkok with his friends. i was almost at the point of depression last week. added to that, i have a friend in e malaysia who has suicidal thoughts, and just as all these were happening, i get a mail from another friend telling me he slashed his wrist yesterday... lots of negativity around at this time.
and amidst all these negativity, i also have my mum. her mental condition has obviously deteriorated over the last couple of weeks. it didn't occur to me that all her recent issues were signs of her worsening condition until i thought about it this evening. for example, i have her being extra forgetful, doing things that she was supposed not to do (like washing her clothes), peeing all over the house, getting extra anxious over small small things, being extra suspicious, and her constant apologizing to me for no reasons, etc. i noted things were not right (totally off, in fact) this evening as we were watching the evening tv serial. here's how the conversation went:
mum (watching tv): are the people in the tv real?
me: of cos they are, if they are not, then it would likely be cartoons that we are watching...
mum: i don't know, i don't know...
a minute later...
mum: you mean the people in the tv are real?
me (a little confused): of cos they are, but they are actors who are acting out a story, but they are real people...
mum: i don't know, i don't know...
a while more later...
mum: how can the people in the tv be real?
me (totally confused): huh? what do you mean?
mum: your dad asked me to watch tv with him through the night, so if the people in the tv are real, how come do they do not need to sleep?
me (hmmm, my dad died 5 years ago!): oh, it's cos they had recorded the shows sometime back and played it on tv.
mum: i don't know, i don't know...
some few seconds later...
mum: if you say they are real, how do they get into the tv? for that matter, how do they get out of the tv?
me (!!!): oh, they are not in the tv per se. they are real people but the shows are recorded. so they do not really exist inside the tv.
mum: i don't know, i don't know...
i went for a jog after the show and after i let her to bed. i thought about this conversation and for a short moment, i wanted to cry. i knew then that i am losing my mum. a living person but no longer the same person. she is losing her mental capacities to dementia. then again, i knew this is the nature of things. i should not be crying. and with this thought, my desire to cry stopped. i have to learn to let her go. i should simply celebrate the fact that she has lived to this ripe old age. and i should instead help her ease into her sunset years...
so... seventh lunar month?
hmmm...
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