siào!

the word "siào" in hokkien means crazy, or mad, and is used to refer to a person who is mentally off. it is often used in a derogatory sense, for example, when a person scolds another for doing things differently or when a person says things that he/ she doesn't agree with (regardless of whether it is logical or not). i have a high-level of aversion to this term since young. the very mention of this word would instantaneously raise my anger. an anger so intense that i would lose control of my emotions. something that is very unusual for me, a highly-introverted person. so, when people call me siào, i would end up quarreling with him/ her and without further reasoning, cut off my ties with that person and stop anymore contact with him/ her. that was how much aversion i have towards this term.

my aversion to this term can be traced to my mum. my mum went through a bad patch after marrying my dad back in 1956. during the first few years after her marriage, my dad left her, she had 2 miscarriages, my paternal grandma ill-treated her, etc, all becos she couldn't bear my grandparents any grandchildren. things did not get better even after my sis was born cos my grandma wanted sons. my mum suffered depression as a result and had to be put under lifelong medication by the mental hospital. since then, every single relatives on my paternal side would gossip about her, and jeer her, calling her "siào". and becos of the social stigma associated with this word, she suffered humiliation, on top of the ill-treatment, from people in her village (kampong) and the villages around paya lebar. that humiliation lasted through my younger years and many a times, when we encounter our relatives, i often overheard them gossiping behind her back that i have a mad mum. i have also heard some mention about the need to be careful and not aggravate her lest she turns into a mad bitch (siào kào bù). such words affected me badly and scarred me since young.

over time and with guidance from buddhism, i have learned to manage myself. these day, when people call me "siào", i would simply assume it is a case of frivolous use of words and ignore the person. when it comes to language, i am a traditional person at heart. and for that, i have over time drilled in me not to use terms loosely. i am careful with words, i say what i mean and i mean what i say. and if i am joking or using my language lightheartedly, i will make sure i make it known first lest i evoke unnecessary emotions. i do recognized that not everyone share the same values nor respect when it comes to language. i do rationalized that people these days do not place much importance nor second thoughts about words and often use it very frivolously. good examples of such words include terms like "idiot", "bitch", "fucker", "stupid", etc. added to this, i also constantly remind myself not to be too attached to myself. self-ego is not healthy and will evoke strong emotions. and with these in mind, i have learned to stop reacting dramatically to it. i'd pretend i didn't hear it, or at most, if i am comfortable with the person, i would share with him/ her about my aversion to this term. 

so... yeah, this is a little bit more about me...

ps: and oh, there is no equivalent chinese character in the chinese language for "siào" as far as i know. perhaps this is a hokkien term? hmmm...