搭錯車

a dear friend just forwarded me the video of an upcoming musical (above) that he will be acting in. the musical is called "glass anatomy" and it follows broadly the storyline of the hugely popular chinese show "papa can you hear me sing" or 搭錯車 (translated as "taking the wrong bus/ car" literally). 

i had watched the show in 1983, 30 years ago when i was in sec 4, and my memory of the show now was totally off. my impression was that the show was about how 2 girls left their village to the city and was raped in the bus. haha... it was quite embarrassing cos i went on and on about the trauma, etc. and my friend was like hmmm... he is acting in the show but certainly, there was nothing about buses, rapes and all the drama. haha! he must have been totally confused by me. well, i guessed as a young boy who had just experienced puberty, everything about my life then was about sex. and perhaps that was why what i recalled was the sex and the vice.

but of cos, the actual story is far from the sex and the vice. it is more about an adopted girl and her new found fame. and how, as a result of this fame, she forsake her dad out of embarrassment. this was despite her adopted dad's love for her. her dad, who was a retired army veteren, had devoted his life to bring her up after he found her amongst the trash one day when he was out picking bottles. the poor dad died eventually and the girl found him too late... haha... my summary of cos cannot do justice to the richness and depth of the storyline that was written and set against a backdrop of social change in taiwan during the early 80s.

but ya, i look forward to the musical!

end of week 1

haha... initially, wanted to write about mum and her deteriorating mental health and the havoc she is currently wrecking in the house, but thought i should instead reflect about how the first week of 2013 week. and wow! one week into the year already! that's one kinda fast right?

well, in short, apart from the resolution to get a job, i can confidently say that i have been able to use the list of foci to guide my week. but of cos, i have "reminded" my headhunter about the outstanding item she needed to get back to me. haha. and yes, despite mum's crankiness (that has gotten worst and her constant hostilities towards me), i managed to go for daily exercises, jogs, gone out with bee, friends and colleagues (something which i have not done for a long time), blog, brought sapphie to the beach, etc... in another words, leading a more balanced life. and wow... a year and a half away from all these so called outings made me realized how fast things have changed! i felt so out of place when i went to town last evening. the people looked different. more fashionable, seemed a lot younger, a sense of excitement that i have not sensed for a very long time. and of cos, a lot of gaymen! felt almost like a tourist in my own country!

and amidst all these, i have also deliberately made the effort not to call mum when i go out as i do not want her to have this reliance and to create any unnecessary future expectations. but to ensure she is ok, i have instead roped in my sis to call her and check on her when i am out. my sis would update me after that. i supposed this is the best arrangement for now. i know she is still adjusting to my increased outings but i think it is something she has to accept and to live with it (although i sense that the day when there will be a large eruption of tensions in the family would arise one of these days...) 

so... yup! things are moving along.

adjusting medication

at the mental health institute, the doctor decided to increase her medication dosage for both the morning and the evening daily. i asked if i should also give her the medication in the afternoon too given that her suspicions towards me was very bad by late morning/ early afternoons. the doctor thought about it and said to try his recommended dosage first. he was afraid that giving her the medication 3 times a day would make her too sleepy. but yup, he said adjusting the medication is an important way to manage her anxiety.

and that was what i did, i administered the medication as per the doctor's advise when i returned. yesterday, while i noted that after adjusting the dosage, her anxiety did improve a little bit, there was still a significant level of hostilities and suspicion towards everything i do in the by mid-day. and i decided to give her additional medication in the afternoon. true enough, she fell asleep. it was a peaceful sleep, or rather a power nap for she woke up within 2 hours. and after she woke up, she was perfectly normal. she was able to speak to me like as though nothing has happened. and as per planned, i went out in the evening and she was able to hold herself through the evening.

well, i think i will continue to administer her her medication in the afternoon and see how she respond to this increased dosage. i will also try to sensitize her to having me go out of the house regularly. will see how...

will revisit the doctor again in 2 weeks. 

imitation of life

been reminded of quite a few songs of the 90s. and interestingly, it reminded me of james too. he was (and i am sure he still is) a song freak. would follow almost every song that came out. specifically, uk, and some european hits, hardly us. and the song below from r.e.m was one of the many hits from r.e.m that i particularly like. i called this song the sugar cane song. i actually cannot remember the title of this song except for the fact that there is a word "sugar cane" in it.

and the mtv produced is really very interesting. looked closely and you can see them playing it back and forth non-stop. and every segment, there are people singing the lyrics of the song. amazing indeed.

enjoy!

imitation of life
r.e.m

charades pop skill
water hyacinth.
name by a poet
imitation of life.

like a koi in a frozen pond.
Like a goldfish in a bowl.
i don't want to hear you cry.

chorus (1)
that sugar cane that tasted good.
that cinnamon, that's hollywood.
come on, come on.
no-one can see you try.

you want the greatest thing
the greatest thing since bread came sliced.
you've got it all
you've got it sized.

like a friday fashion show
teenager cruising in the corner
trying to look like you don't try.

chorus (1)
no-one can see you cry.

chorus (1)

this sugar cane, this lemonade
this hurricane, i'm not afraid.
come on, come on.
no-one can see me cry.

this lightning storm, this tidal wave
this avalanche, I'm not afraid.
come on, come on.
no-one can see me cry.

that sugar cane that tasted good.
that's who you are, that's what you could.
come on, come on.
no-one can see you cry.

(repeat last para)

keep on moving

i was on the way to the pool after my chiro and this song from the 90s came on on the radio. i broke into a broad smile. i had totally forgotten about this song by british boyband five! and the lyrics lifted me oh-so-much (given my recent mental stress with mum), and it got me singing aloud as i drove!

and oh, the mtv brought me back to the days of boy bands, shallow songs about in love, falling out of love, breaking up, la la la... very snag to be expressing all these lovey dovey stuff ya? haha... and yes! look at that baggy pants and the typical boy band dance moves that predates hip hop (you can see semblances of it ya?)! lol! but yeah! keep on moving, keep on moving!

keep on moving

five

i woke up today with this feeling

that better things are coming my way (way)

and if the sunshine has a meaning

telling me not to let things get in my way

chorus (1)
when the rainy days are dying

gotta keep on, keep on trying

all the bees and birds are flying (ahh ahh ahh)

never let go, gotta hold on in

non-stop 'til the break of dawnin'

keep on movin' don't stop rockin' (ahh ahh ahh)

chorus (2)

get on up when you're down

baby, take a good look around

i know it's not much, but it's okay

keep on moving anyway

feels like i should be screaming
trying to get it through to my friends
sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
but I know things will be alright in the end

chorus (1)
chorus (2)
chorus (1)
chorus (2) (twice)

when the rainy days are dying
gotta keep on, keep on trying

bromance

i had a very interesting conversation with a friend this morning. we were sharing with each other about the things we did while we were young(er) with our closest friends. i thought i should write something about it.

i am sure many of us (nope, all of us) do many many things sexual and/ or otherwise with our closest friends when we were younger for the fun of it or part of our sexual discovery process. we keep these things close to our hearts and as secrets between us and our friends. these things may include (secret) skinny dipping in public pools at night, sexual explorations, watching porns, sharing of sex-related stories relating to our own discovery process, mutual masturbation, or simply buying stuff for each other, showing concern for one another... for the last few, these are things that you wouldn't expect a guy to do to another guy if they are straight. haha...

and these are things that will lead to a lot of confusion, soul-search, and so on and can be so misleading especially if one of the guy is gay. why is he so nice to me? is he interested in me? is he also one? should i come out to him? etc etc etc... sounds familiar right? hahaha... also, think about the other permutations, what if one of them is bi, or both are anything but straight but do not know about each other... etc can be very stressful right? also, what would people say when they see two guys so lovey dovey? am sure there will be tons of gossips about them and questions about their sexuality. but well, these things  do happen, especially during our growing up years. the years where friends of the same gender tend to come together more than with the opposite gender. and while some people grow out of it, some people carry on. 

well, today, i think we can refer to such behaviour between 2 persons as bromance. it is a term that fuses between brother and romance. a kinda closeness that one usually associate with brotherly love and yet the relationship between the two parties are not that of brothers. i believe the term bromance is a term coined in recent years to denote a more homo-social attitude between 2 guys. the non-acceptance or decrease in homosocial behavior in societies started since 2 millenia ago with the spread of a more conservative religion and its influence on societal norms. however, in recent year, given the rise of a male image that is more in tuned with his feminine, softer self, and that he is more capable of showing this side of him, there is a need to therefore create words to fill this gap in the english lexicon. 

but well, all these sense-making aside, this is what makes life so interesting right? 

:-)

merepek

well, that was the word mum used when she listened to me describe her behaviour to the mental institute doctor this morning. merepek is a malay word that means "nonsense". well, to be exact, she said "mengapek", the thing with peranakans is that our malay always sound a little off from the mainstream malay pronunciation... haha... and that is why malays have so much problem understanding us! ok, i have digressed.

you see, with her abnormal behaviour as a result of her anxiety over the last week plus, i brought the appointment date forward. i had wanted to go myself cos it would be easier to explain to the doctor without her around. but in the end, things developed such that she came along. and this was becos she refused to go to her rehab center again and wanting to stay at home to ensure i do not mix with bad people or bring them home. but when i told her i would be heading to the clinic, she asked why,  suddenly changed her tone and said she wanted to follow. i thought this was weird and asked what would she do if i was to attend an interview, she got frustrated and said what's wrong with following? i can still wait for you in the car... haha... that was how suspicious she was of me. heh!

anyway, through the whole morning, when at home, and in the car all the way until we entered the doctor's consultation room, she was adamant that i had been suspicious of her intentions towards me. she insisted that it was i, who had been mixing with bad people, la la la... yup, same old story, no further need to elaborate. added to that, she insisted that she is perfectly ok and that there is no more need to see any doctors at the hospital, at the clinics, go for any rehab, etc. i simply refused to entertain her responses and asked her to tell the doctor instead. ok ok, you'll see, i'll tell the doctor alrite, you just watch... she responded angrily. the doctor was surprised to see us as our appointment was supposed to be in mid-jan. but after i explained to him, he understood. during my explanation (in english of cos), she kept giving me that dirty look in her eyes and kept saying merepek. i supposed she couldn't really understand everything i said. of cos, i kept calm and at the end of my explanation, i asked her to speak to the doctor herself (since she said merepek, shall give her the opportunity to dispute what i have said [hah, i am very fair one]). she refused, and i continued to cajole her to do so. i supposed the doctor was superbly seasoned in having such patients for he played along with me... and soon enough, she blared out everything. haha... it was funny, cos everything that she said was exactly what i described to the doctor.

well, i asked the doctor how to deal with her given that she was insistent on following me, suspicious of me heading out of the house, and trying to prevent me from meeting my friends. should i avoid going out (as in give in to her) or should i continue (thereby desensitising her what she has been anxious about). and he said, well, just go on living you life as normally as you can. go out with your friends. we'll see how she respond to the new dosage of her medication. and he told her nicely, why you bother about who he goes out with and where he goes to? young people need to live their life and we older people should just be happy with what we have! as for you, you should be happy he is looking after you... and despite her vehement disagreement with the doctor about letting me live my life, we left it as it was. and yes, there you have it. it was really good to get such an endorsement in my thoughts about what i should do. all things being equal, it made me a little less guilty. 

and as edwin puts it, don't internalize it.

yup, go on and live my life. 

:-)

coming out to pauline

well, i finally decided to come out to pauline. 

no biggie. as i have said so before, i will do it at an appropriate time.  and today, i thought i should come out to her. just felt right. don't ask why. i will leave it to her to decide how to move things forward. nothing has changed for me. as i have said before, with my close friends, it is not never, but when.

:-)

haircut!

i decided to do something different today. i went to the hairdresser!

you see, i told myself that since i have made the commitment to find a job this year, i should start by giving myself a little focus and groom myself. afterall, it would not do me any good to go for interviews looking like a shaggy dog (if the one that was supposed to get back to me reject me).

i walked into the hairdresser, and wow! i realized what i have missed all these months! the attention, the time, the handling of the hair, and of cos, the shampooing and the head massage! for that matter, even the sound of the snip snip sound so different from the $10 10-minute cut that i had been going to for the last 2 years... of cos, with the attention come the price! then again, it was money well spent!

haha!

new iphone again!

i had my iphone replaced in early nov last year. and since then, i noticed it had problems getting access to wi-fis. and last week, i tried to reboot, reinstall, re-everything that i can possibly re- it with. no use. it was then that i knew my replaced iphone needs further attention by the service center.

and for whatever reasons yesterday, it went totally soundless. i couldn't hear who i was speaking to nor them me. in short, other than the apps functions, my iphone died on me yesterday. wtf right? with my ipad mini, it felt no different from having one ipad mini and one ipad micro. haha.... i made my way to the service center again after my chiropractic treatment this morning. and guess what?

they made a replacement on the spot and gave me a brand new iphone!

no questions asked.

what a great start to the year right?

:-)

anxious mum

ok, here's the less than good part for the start of the year - mum.

she has gotten superbly anxious and i am not sure over what. perhaps it is the prolonged period of holidays from christmas through new year that her mind has gotten super active and super screwed up? i don't know. all i know is that by yesterday, she kept saying there are bad people in the house, that i go out with bad people, that i bring bad people home, and so on. and since a couple of days back, she did what she would usually do whenever she gets anxious, she started to do nothing but chant, avoid food and choose to eat plain porridge (if she eats). also, she would vow to be vegetarian and avoid meat... i supposed this is her way of managing her anxiety, believing that in doing so, she would get divine intervention.

yesterday, short of a better word, she was literally crazy. kept giving me evil looks from the side of her eyes and talked to me in raised voice. it made me rather angry. but i held my cool. i remembered what i reflected - she is a mental person who is no longer normal. if i were to get mad with mad people, i will be no different from being a mad person myself. anyway, by evening, she agreed to head out for dinner with me, but at the very very last minute, said no and wanted me to cook porridge for her instead. sighs. i did and after that, i left her alone and went out with bee for dinner. told my second sis about it and she came over. and from her, i later learned that mum also wanted to stop going to rehab so that she can stick to me like a leech. she believes it will stop me from going out to meeting evil people and also prevent bad people from coming to my house (she told my sis a malay auntie told her so). and as a reflection of her screwed up mind, she told my sis that my dad has told her he will be leaving her and that he is mixing with bad people... hmmm... anyway, after watching tv with her, i left her alone and went to bed. she did not sleep until midnight, choosing to continue watching tv. i supposed she want to keep me from going out with bad people. haha!

today, although she was supposed to start attending the rehab, she didn't go. i was not aware about it as i left early for my chiro treatment and to repair my phone. when i returned at about 2pm, i was shocked to find her at home and the very first thing she did was - she screamed at me and said i was with evil people. and she went on and on about how i know jolly well who she was referring to and what i wanted to do to her. hmmm. and given that she was alone at home, she did not have have any food since morning. needless to say, even when i offered to cook for her, she didn't want to eat. neither did she want me to buy her any food. well, frankly, it was very tiring. i reminded myself of my reflections and let her be. there is only so much i can do for her. i went to take an afternoon nap, and later went for a jog. i still need to go on living my life and not respond to her non-logical mind and behaviour.

right now, she is watching tv and seemed quite normal. well, we'll see. we'll see if she goes cranky tomorrow. i will also leave her to watch tv if she choose to later. i will just go sleep. i have managed to get an early appointment at the mental health institute tomorrow. will see what the doctor can say or if there should be any further adjustments to her medication.

and to be able to get an appointment tomorrow today, it is such a good surprise!

:-)

ps: i am aware that when she says i mix with bad people, she is referring to bee. but wth, with her being so convinced that he is out to kill her (despite all the pampering by him etc), it is useless to convince her otherwise. for that matter, she also saw my sis-in-law in the same light when she stayed with my brother. there is nothing i can do if she choose to think so right? as i said, she is a mental patient who has no logic, i cannot respond to non-logic but to manage her condition.

health

for the past couple of days, i have been running and i have continued to do so into 2013. and these 2 days, i have increased the distance and the intensity. but then, when i say increased distance, it was no more than 2-3km. haha...

i admit there were moments where i felt like giving up. but i remembered my commitment to do more exercise and told myself it would be a big joke to give up even before the first week of the year come to a close and that kept me going. and i felt good about it. and coupled with the runs, i was able to also do some good push-ups, something that i was not able to do due to my shoulder and neck aches. with these few days of exercises, i find my body getting and exuding warmth from within when i sleep at night. a little feverish feel, but it felt good. 

i visited my chiropractor today and he was pleasantly surprised by the sudden leap in improvements in my physical abilities.

so... healthwise, yes, 2013 has gotten off a good start! 

now the challenge is to keep it going!

:-)

natkean

2013 started off well for me. for a start, i got to know natkean in person. well, not in person as in meeting up with him per se. rather, he was comfortable enough to share with me his facebook and contact number. and with this, we got to finally see how we look like in person. and through these introductions, the wall of anonymity collapsed, the sharing became more open, and deeper.

it's a good start to know a new friend for the year!

re-prioritizing my 2013 focus

ok, here's a list of my re-prioritized focus for 2013! instead of listing them one, by one, i list them in groups...

• personal life - i will lead a more balanced life

• spiritual life - i will continue to practice buddhism well

• health - i will be more positive and i will exercise regularly

• family

• mum - i will continue to look after and provide for her

• bee - i will increase spending quality time with him

• sapphie - i will give her more quality time

• siblings - i will build on the good relationships with them 

• work - i will get a job

• friends & close colleagues - i will increase interaction opportunities with them

• bloggers - i will continue to blog and share my story from my perspective

hmmm, frankly, i had the tension placing and ordering the sub-bullets, but decided that there should be no specific order. eg spiritual life and health, they should be equally important cos they are mutually reinforcing, after all, when and if i am not healthy/ sick, it would be challenging to be able to commit efforts towards my spiritual practice. no?

and if you ask me why personal above family, so selfish? well, the principle i adopt is this, if i cannot look after my own well-being, forget about looking and committing time and efforts towards others. reminded me of my earlier reflections about the need to love myself so that i can love others well.

ok, i think this list is more balanced!

reflecting my reflections

it's been a great start to the year... but of cos, there was quite some tensions yesterday, but i will not blog about it until later. after all, i have made the commitment to be more positive. so... ok, let this post be a more chim (deep) one. haha... 

i took a look at the reflections about 2012, and i thought, oh my, it is a tat too negative... but then it also struck me that the only thing that we were all surest about in 2012 was the fact that THE WORLD DID NOT END! ok, i have digressed. let me get back to what i wanted to say. yup, it is about my reflections for the year. first and foremost, i did not even mention about my ex, james! i supposed this was the fact that i have finally moved on, and that james was but a small part of my life now. small but with a significant past, so, no less important.

secondly, i realized that almost all the things i have written about was about people that mattered to me. it reinforced the fact that we humans are ultimately very social in nature. despite the fact that i am a rather introverted person, people still formed a huge part of my life. and this will continue to be so in the many years to come!

thirdly, i also noticed that i have ordered my reflection themes in a certain way (people [including sapphie], self [spiritual], people around me [including bloggers], and work)... and i asked myself, have i subconsciously ordered it according to how i prioritize my life? that people, particularly family, as defined by my immediate blood relations, bee and sapphie are the top in my list of priorities? or perhaps that becos i see them as important, the impact the have on me was therefore most felt and thus appeared on the top of the list? and more interestingly, work is the lowest of my priorities amongst the various themes i wrote? perhaps there are some truth in all these points. and if so, i would therefore have to relook at this list of priorities as i reframe and work towards getting a more balanced life in 2013. yup, perhaps that is what i will do... for a start, perhaps spiritual well-being and self could be placed a little higher up? hmmm...

ok, enough for the reflections about the reflections. such meta-look at things are very typical of introverts like me. and yup, i do learn lots from it. it help me sort out my thoughts. haha, i am so sure people who are more extraverted would be like - OMFG! what the hell is this person doing...

haha... ok... will stop here.

time to start blogging for the year.

oh, i have started actually!

haha!

2013 - my focus

well, what a great start to the year! nice weather... haha! of cos, added to that, the many people i see running in tights as i head out for breakfast... nice! ok, ok, before i sound a tat too shallow even by my own standards, let me be serious for this first post of the brand new year. for a start, let me reiterate here the things i captured in my last post of 2012 about what i want to achieve this year. and in doing so, i want to put in writing my commitments to make it happen.

• mum - i will continue to look after and provide for her

• siblings - i will build on the good relationships with them 

• bee - i will increase spending quality time with him

• sapphie - i will give her more quality time

• personal life - i will lead a more balanced life

• spiritual life - i will continue to practice buddhism well

• friends & close colleagues - i will increase interaction opportunities with them

• bloggers - i will continue to blog and share my story from my perspective

• health - i will be more positive and i will exercise regularly

• work - i will get a job

bring it on 2013!

:-)

2012 - year of frustrations

i've decided to christen 2012 - a year of frustrations. and it certainly was so from every single fronts. and for my reflections this year-end, i have decided to do something more. i will also include liners with regards how i want to see things happen in the coming year. it is something i have never done before cos i felt it is very contrived. but really, after reflecting and writing, i think this perhaps is the way new year's resolutions could be meaningfully crafted. and to lend focus, i shall highlight all these in blue and i will sum them up at the end of my posting. so, here's a run down on the details of this frustrating year.

family

as in all years, family life has it's ups and downs. and the frustrating thing is - that there were a lot a lot more downs compared to ups. and i say this primarily due to my mum. as the primary caregiver with minimal assistance from my siblings other than some financial help towards the end of the year, i had to face all the negativity in the house created by her alone. i have been the single receiving-end of all her old age problems. and a lot of my life has also been adjusted, both directly and indirectly as a result of her nonsense. if it had not been for the fact that she is my mum, i would have used the 'f' word through and through. notably, the trend has been downwards for me in all fronts ever since she came over to live with me middle 2011. and this year, apart from the increased frequency of hospitalizations and medical appointments, time and efforts had been committed to look after her increasingly demanding needs so much so until i have no more life, and at times fallen sick. no, i am not complaining for it is a responsibility that i have to do, but i seriously think it is timely to reframe and re-look at (1) how i see her, considering she is no longer a "normal" person now that her mental capacities has deteriorated, and (2) how i should also focus on giving myself a better balanced life in order to continue to look after and provide for her. and as far as my siblings are concerned, things remained rather stable. my eldest sis continue to avoid me. on my second sis and my bro front, things looked generally ok. my bro has a new baby son and things are looking good for him. that is good. moving ahead, i do want to continue to build on the good relationships with my bro and my second sis. as for my eldest sis, i can only hope for the best.

bee

my relationship with bee is into our 8th year. and this year was extra challenging and frustrating for both of us. not just becos of mum, which ended with him eventually not staying over at my place. the demise of bee's dad, the purchase of a new flat, and the eventual moving in to the new place all provided the challenges that bee faced too. and this contributed just as much to the lesser time that we have for each other. in fact, at one stage, the only times we could get to see each other was during the half/ one hour in the evenings at my place car park as mum was paranoid about his presence and suspected that his mum was out to kill her in an attempt to take over my property and my monies (wtf right?).  also, i had several tensions and frustrations with him and this was largely due to his frequent last minute overseas trips. logic tells me it is not quite possible to schedule a series of overseas trips today and go tomorrow. this considering the fixing of itinerary, the buying of air tickets, the flight admin, etc. but it happened a couple of times this year, and many a times coinciding with super long weekends and public holidays. frankly, i did suspect he was seeing someone given that every time he goes overseas, he went on radio silence and i had different friends texting me asking if we had broken off as they saw him having holidays with his "friend" overseas. but he always insisted it was only for work. well, there is nothing much i could do but to live on with this added stress and frustration. as it stands, we end the year with him settling in nicely in his new place and our meeting has somewhat stabilized with dinners every other days. as for his overseas travels, he had indicated that he will be more open about it. moving ahead, i would like to be able to increase spending quality time with him. and i do hope that he can fulfill his promise to be more open with me with regards his work and his schedule. if a relationship were to work, both pairs of hands need to clap. i can be and have been very open about my life to him, he will have to play his part.

sapphie
as per last year, i will write a few liners for sapphie. she turned 12 this year (84 years in human-year terms). she has been very good this year. frankly, if any, apart from bee, she has been the only very stable and very loyal member of the family that was with me throughout this whole ordeal with my mum. of cos there were occasions where i got angry with her, but those were insignificant compared to the comfort she gave me. and for that, i am thankful to her. perhaps there are many things we human can learn from her - not to say things that hurt (not that she can), not to pass judgment, love unconditionally, stay by the side of the master... all the things that we humans want but always find it quite impossible to do, all becos of our stupid gap and our ego. so, if there is one thing i can do for her, i would like to give her more quality time and to bring her out as often as i possibly could in the coming year.

personal life
my personal life, defined as time for myself to do what i wanted to do and to go out with people i am close to, was almost nonexistent this year, well, apart from the moments i got from work to take a breather by the pool. it was frustrating not only for me but also for my friends as they often could not arrange to meet or if arranged, to be cancelled last minute due to mum's tantrums. so, due to the fact that i had to keep time with mum, my personal life outside work-time literally disappeared. and other than the couple of office-related compulsory events that i need to attend, i can really not remember how many times i actually spend out with my friends. and on the few occasions i managed to get time for, my minds would be worrying about how she would react when i reach home. also, many a times, she would insist on waiting for me before she sleeps and that means, i have to rush home before 9.30/10pm if i ever get to go out of the house. other than that, my personal time with any friends or bee, for that matter, without having to think twice about mum was only possible when she was hospitalized. this is something i think i will have to allocate more time and efforts towards in the coming year. it is something i need to do to put balance back to my life.

spiritual life
it would be a glaring gap if i did not reflect a bit about my religious believes here. frankly, i had not spend much time doing volunteer work nor attending dharma talks this year. for that matter, even the 3-steps-1-bow ceremony that i attend annually was cancelled in the very last minute due to inclement weather. nonetheless, buddhism has been, and will continue to be, an important part of me and my life. somehow through all the down times this years, for reasons that i could only attribute to divine blessings (which i usually do not subscribe to), i consistently am blessed with moments of encouragements, clarity and guidance. these came in the form for encouragements from friends, bloggers, family members, emails, books, etc... i will continue to practice buddhism well.

friends & significant personalities

if any, amongst all the various groups of people i will write on, friends are perhaps the only group of people that remained relatively stable this year. well, i supposed they have their own lives to live and it did not really matter if my mum created problems for me or not. but really, i do appreciate them for asking about her, for being concerned about her well-being and mine, and in the process gave me the mental, emotional support that i needed so much. in all seriousness, i believe friends are the only ones that would see me (or for that matter, us gay people in general) through in our lives. and much as i do not like to do it, i think i could categorize these friends into close friends (straight/ glbt), general friends, close colleagues, bloggers broadly. of cos, these are not mutually exclusive. let me write a bit about some of these groups of people...

firstly, close friends (straight). i would include my long time friends as well as uni friends as "close friends". most of them are straight, hence my awkward grouping of my close friends into straights and glbts. they were constantly in the know of my situation and have constantly asked about my well-being.  similarly for my closer glbt friends (including people like thomas, sam, ming, gavin, karsten, my gay-friendly tee and his mrs-to-be and so on), i am thankful to them for the constant encouragements and support. regrettably, the time available with them was affected as a directed result of my mum's condition but what we did to overcome this include having them come over to my place for barbecues as well as meeting up for lunches instead of dinners. i do really appreciate their care and concern and do want to increase the interaction opportunities with them in the coming year.

as for close colleagues, these are some of the immediate group of people that worked with me. they were part of my team and a significant lot of personality of my inner circle at work. they have been very supportive to me throughout the last 2 years and especially so during the final few weeks of my work and even after i left. interestingly, a couple of them referred me as their spiritual teacher, their mentor, friend, etc. they might not have know it, but their presence and constant emails/ smses were a constant source of encouragement for me throughout the year. i wish them well in the years to come and will continue to keep in contact with them. who knows, in future, we might become very close friends.

and of cos, for the group of people that i would generally refer to as bloggers and friends in the blogosphere, such as perth, natkean, dilbert, ladybird, tuls, leonut, harry, edwin, steve, sharks, malimo, soul, aiden, germs (who is also a uni close friend), jason, joker-jason, ooi, zach, dazza, river, wanderer, savante, yenyl, sam, chinese prick, and many more... thank you for being a part of my life this year. you guys probably did not know nor appreciate the amount of support and encouragement you gave to me this year when you made a comment in my blog or when you emailed me. as i had mentioned many times previously, blogging has been a very important way for me to manage my stress. blogging is highly therapeutic to me and i blog more when i feel stressed up. and your comments and views as i undertake this blogging journey are most appreciated. i will continue to treasure your friendship (albeit a cyber one) and will continue to blog moving ahead.

health

2012 will go down history as the year where i was hospitalized on 1 jan of the year. i had my fair share of pains as a result of kidney stones. also, the year started with me being diagnosed (officially) with depression and was put on fluvoxamin eventually. added to that, i suffered months of mouth ulcers that never seemed to heal. eventually, after some trial and errors, i managed to trace the cause of the mouth ulcers - fluvoxamin. interesting, cos it meant i either suffer the pains of mouth ulcers or get the effects of depressions. ultimately, i decided to stop fluvoxamin. as for managing my depression, it was not easy, but i have to constantly remind myself to see things positively. and this is something i will have to constantly remind myself again, moving into the next year. other than that, issues relating to my back, shoulder, arms, etc continue to irked me and i have, since the last quarter of the year, started intensive chiropractic treatment to arrest the issue. let's see how things goes for 2013, hopefully, the chiropractic treatment will yield good results. but to be able to sustain my health, i should exercise more regularly moving ahead.

work

similar to 2011, work was one of the key frustration this year. ok, to put things in better perspective, the work was ok, it was the people that created all the stress. without elaborating too much on the people factor, all i can say is that, as a result of change in personnel in the senior management, there was a lot of blame pushing and politicking. and for me, a level lower, i had to end up handling the different downstream after-effects. it was a tough and utterly frustrating year being pulled in all different directions and yet having to deal with hostile and often unco-operative colleagues. amidst all these, somehow the picture that was painted to my big big boss (to deflect blame for some senior-level mismanagement and self-interest amongst some colleagues) was that i had problems managing things in my unit due to my depression, my mother, etc (although all these were corrected and put in perspective after i left and my big big boss apologized for it). eventually i took a step back, looked at the big picture and decided that this company is not one that i see myself working for in the longer run. i threw in my resignation letter in aug and left the company in oct this year.

i had chalked up 2 plus years of experience and i think this should be reasonable enough for me to qualify as "having corporate experience" moving ahead. i end the year jobless but not hopeless. in 2013, i will get a job, and i will find one that i am comfortable with. life is too short to constantly be played by people and subjected to bosses politicking, tempers and unreasonable whims and fancies.

conclusion

the year 2012 has been more than frustrating for me on all fronts. i am blessed to have people rally around me, both real people as well as online friends. looking at my reflections, it seemed clear to me that if i can manage my mum better, and in a more balanced way, all fronts should be better. as i look forward, let me summarize the things that i have highlighted in blue above. these, if i may, will help me focus my life in 2013. although, some are without hard targets, i could in a way, call them my resolutions for 2013.

• mum - i will continue to look after and provide for her
• siblings - i will build on the good relationships with them 
• bee - i will increase spending quality time with him
• sapphie - i will give her more quality time
• personal life - i will lead a more balanced life
• spiritual life - i will continue to practice buddhism well
• friends & close colleagues - i will increase interaction opportunities with them
• bloggers - i will continue to blog and share my story from my perspective
• health - i will be more positive and i will exercise regularly
• work - i will get a job

so... yup, all said and done, despite the endless frustrations this year, i end 2012 on a positive note with a clarity of what i want to achieve in 2013. i look forward to 2013 positively.

i can only now leave with a wish for everyone to be happy, healthy and contented for the coming year.

HAPPY 2013.

:-)

rain & i

i have been running in the rain these couple of days. you see, i enjoy being in the rain. there is something about the rain that i have never wrote about, something very magical, energizing and sexy. 

ever since i was a boy, playing with mud in the rain had been something i thoroughly enjoy, but of cos i seldom get to do it given that the tight reign my mum had over me. in my teens, being in the rain was a common thing especially when i was in the national cadet corps. that was where i had fun doing my navigation, training, marching, etc. 

my relationship with the rain continued into my army/ national service days where training in the rain was very common. it was the days before the so called lightning risk management came into force (nowadays when there is a risk of lightning, all outdoor activities would have to be halted). incidentally, singapore is one of the highest lightning risk in the world. that was in my 20s and early 30s. those days, whenever it rained, i would quickly put on my running shoes and head out to the beach to run. the thing about running in the rain is that it keeps your body cool and you can go longer distance. i will forever remember how the rain kept me fit during those years. once, i wore off 5 pairs of running shoes in a year just running in the rain!

interestingly, running in the rain was also a way i kept myself sane. rain has this special effect of clearing my mind. not to mention the sexiness one could feel when one is in the rain. the feel of the droplets on the head, and the flow of the rain down my body gives this very cathartic feel, and not forgetting, the feel of sexiness - you know, the wet t-shirt feel, and the feel of water flowing into one's underwear (if one is wearing one, hahaha). ok, back to my point about catharsis. being in the rain and feeling it flow down my body somehow makes it feel like it is also washing away my troubles and my problems. in the mid-late-90s when i just came out and met with many relationship issues, i remembered clearly how i would run in the rain and how i would cry as i run. it was rather dramatic, thinking back. but yup, that was those memorable years. 

rain was also an interesting part of my 20s-30s where i used to nude tan at the beach. back then, there was this large stretch of isolated beach along the eastern coast of singapore where many gay men frequent to tan in the nude. and given that the beach is a distant away from any "civilization", many would construct their own shelters and hide under it once it rained. but of cos, it was not a good idea to do so over a prolonged period given the usually shabby shelter that could hardly keep one dry and the cold that one would experience. and that was where the sea came in nicely. you see, whenever it rains, the seawater would be really warm. and so, many nude tanners would save themselves from the cold by staying in the seawater. and you can imagine the amount of things that can happen between 2 persons in the warm seawater... 

haha...

picture from http://kim-thenextphase.blogspot.sg/2011/05/right-to-bare.html

job hunt

after waiting for two months, i hope to hear some news from the company that had indicated that they will only be making hiring decision after 1 jan 2013. well... let's see how things go. after 4 rounds of interviews, i can only wait and hope for the best.

when they told me of this, i was rather disappointed. the last one month plus have been rather unsettling insofar as job hunt is concerned. yup, some of my hr friends told me to just enjoy myself and that there should be no issue with regards clinching the job, but being a rather worrier, i could not help but stay mentally stressed up. also, i have been doing what some of my other friends advised - that is to continue job-hunting - although i have not done it rather intensely. so... time passed rather fast. before i know it, 2013 is in front of me. so, give and take one two weeks, i hope to be able to get some news with regards any development in the hiring by the company.

wish me luck people!

trends in mum's behavior

this is what i observed as a trend in mum's behaviour...

in the morning, she would wake up about 4-5am. make her own milo and take her medication. by the time i wake up about 7.30-8am, i always notice she would always behave in a very weird manner. either she would throw tantrums, have emotional swings, etc. or the very least, give me black face. 

in the day, she would be in the world of her own when she is in the house. often, she would take out her rosary and chant. or else, she would phone my siblings almost non-stop (much to their displeasure). otherwise, when she is in the rehabilitation center, she would be mentally engaged and things will be ok.

in the late afternoon, she would be generally ok. quite normal. her usual routine of bathing, self-grooming, etc kicks in.

in the evening, she would generally become normal. 

and i would keep her evening routine as lengthy as possible so as to tire her out mentally before i administer her her medication at about 9.30/ 10pm. after that, she would sleep.

from this trend, i think there is a need to review her morning doses of her medication... 

mum's "weird"

well, i am about to start to write about the year... my annual reflection. that would be published this evening before the end of the day. but before that, i would like to write about mum. 

past few days have been terribly challenging with her tantrums and her mood changes. so following the ruckus she created 2 days ago, i decided to cool things off and leave her alone. in another words, avoid her unless absolutely necessary. and she has somewhat stabilized. a little weird in her behavior as i observed today, but generally stabilized. here's what happened last 2 days...

yesterday, i decided to avoid her. woke up, just acknowledged her, gave her her medication and that's it. asked her if she wanted to have breakfast, but as expected, she didn't want to, saying that she would be eating plain porridge for lunch instead. and she asked me to buy her rice to cook. kinda weird cos i had thrown away the all rice and the rice pot previously. but i kept quiet. i did what i usually would not do. i left her alone, went to the market and had breakfast with bee. and i bought her the rice as requested. and before i left, i asked if she needed me to get some vegetables. no, she insisted, she simply wanted to eat plain porridge. this, to me is a sign of abnormality cos she had previously staged protests by eating plain porridge. also, she believed that by doing so, she can ward off some evil spells that she thinks exists in the house. i left it as it is.

anyway, i knew she could not do without me insofar as cooking is concerned. previously, with the rice pot, she could cook. now, with the rice pot gone, she had to use the gas stove. and that is where things are beyond her. she didn't know how to switch on the fire. (this is an important thing to note when you have old people in the house, don't ever let them touch fire. they will burn the house down as they have the tendency to forget about it). and after some futile attempts, she asked me for matches and/ or fire starter gun (not too sure what it is called, but you should know what i mean). i told her to let me do it and she had not choice. 

i took over the pot and noted she had placed less than a handful of rice grains in it. totally not enough for herself, if i may say. i added some more and cooked the porridge for her. and i cut some century eggs for her and left the plate of plain porridge and century eggs on the table. she finished everything and did the washing up herself. i stayed in the room whole day. and she left me alone too. i went out of the house for a run and she didn't bothered (which is not normal cos she would often asks a lot of things when i leave the house). i didn't care. i just did what i wanted to do. 

and by evening, she proceeded to cook her own porridge again. once again, she asked me for matches. i ended up cooking for her. and this time round, i asked her if i should get some dishes for her. she agreed. well, some form of normality finally. in the end, bee came over and got the dishes as well as my dinner for me. and after dinner, i casually asked if she wanted to go out for some shopping. and she agreed. the day ended with her being "normal" again...

today, it started very interestingly too. i woke up, went to the living room, acknowledged her and went ahead to prepare her medication for her. and she asked me: "where did xxx (me) go? he didn't come back for the night right?" hmmm... abnormal again. well, one more day to manage...

sk-ii again!

i must be getting noticeably old - if the birthday gifts i received this year are of any indications, that is.

you see, james (my ex) dropped by on christmas day to pick sapphie for his annual christmas party. this is an annual thing for him (less last year). and guess what? he passed me a pack of sk-ii facial treatment mask pack. happy birthday he said. it was quite a surprise. totally unexpected, considering he had not given me any presents over the past few years. but yeah, it felt good that he remembered (although he did not sms me like previous years). 

and just so coincidentally yesterday, even though i did not attend the dinner, my uni friends got me a big bottle of the sk-ii facial treatment essence (sheng qi shui, toint toint... lol!)... but well, i was not really surprised cos they had pre-empted me about it. we have been friends long enough to be open about such things or for that matter, give vouchers - very practical. haha! and today, one of them text me this - wish you will grow ever more radiant...

shine shine...

haha!

ps: then again, with a face that looks like i kenah run over back and forth, and back and forth again (and again) by a lorry, no amount of magic essence can smoothen it... lol! (of cos, i am not bitter about it, it is all part of aging and it is a fact of life that i happily accept)

picture of essence from http://www1.bloomingdales.com/
picture of mask from http://www.cosmeticsclub.co.uk/

of cock, balls & theories part 2

in my previous post i shared parts of a nonsensical conversation between bee and i while we were lazing in bed surfing the net and uttering nonsense. here's part 2...

me: but my ball have not grown bigger what?

bee: then i think your cock have not grown smaller. but i can make it bigger...

xxx...

lol!

of cock, balls & newton's law

the previous posts have been very negative. not the way to end the year. here's something more positive and light-hearted... it was one of those little nonsensical conversation between bee & i as we laze in bed...

me: in all seriousness, do you think my cock has grown smaller?

bee: in all seriousness, i think your balls have grown bigger...

lol! newton's law of relativity (well, at least the relativity part) applies here too!!! ok ok, i am talking nonsense at this time of the morning...

why am i glad i am gay

if according to mum's logic, getting married is to have a loved one look after you when you are old, then, based on what i am experiencing with her now, i am one helluva glad i am gay.

the logic is totally flawed from my perspective. as an elderly person, it is bad enough that i am suffering the illness, the tensions, the stress, etc. so, please don't let another person whom i love so dearly suffer as a result of me.

and if being gay allows me to rid myself of this burden, then, i'll gladly be one. not that i have a choice.

and no, i am not complaining that life is not fair. it is a fact that i have accepted. 

just a thought.

positive thoughts

interestingly whenever i have any major tensions, i will come in contact with something positive. and often, actually, all the time, these positive things would be buddhistic in nature.

today, with all the tensions with mum, i actually stood at the balcony intending to jump. for that moment, it sounded so wonderful to be able to just end it all and then let her live and die a horrible death knowing she had killed her own son. yup, that was what went through my mind. anyway, i did not do it (or i wouldn't be typing this now). i went back to my bedroom and turned on my computer. interestingly, as i clicked onto my email, a mail came in. it was from a buddhist site that i had subscribed to. well, i couldn't recall much of what i read, but it went something about being clear about what one is doing. that one shouldn't be blinded by one's actions. for when a mind is clouded, an action that seemed right may actually not be so...

is this is sign? is this a sign that i should be seeing things in a more balanced way? that my mum is a sickly person and that i should learn to let her go? that i should not be bothered and flustered by her nonsense? 

i should reflect on this.

:-)

dinner plans dashed

my uni friends had all arranged for a dinner tonight to celebrate those borned in dec. and of cos that would include me and another lady friend. and considering the fact that i am looking after my mum, they have also extended the dinner to her... but with mum going cranky today, i have decided to pull out of the dinner. but they were so nice as to want to cancel the restaurant reservation and have a gathering at my house instead. 

then again, mum resisted and went on her journey of self-pity... woes to me, i only wish my parents are still around, my children don't want me... she went on and on. and when told of my friends intention to change plan and to have dinner at home, she changed her tones and started to say how she would lock herself in, avoid them, that she is no use to us, la la la... i politely turned my friends down. bee is with them now and have asked him to advice them against coming to my place.

now back to my mum. stubborn as she is, i have tried many a times to give her food, to give her water, to make her bed, etc... but she was just in the self-pity mode. decided to call my sis to pay us a visit. and she got her dinner. and guess what, after sis left, she went into her self-pity mode again and kept to her room. i wanna sleep. she insisted. but instead of sleeping, she just laid on her mattress and kept peeping at me when i walk pass her room. well, in the end, i decided to just play the game her way. i decided to retire to bed. it was only 6.45pm, but what the heck. you wanna sleep, i will sleep too. and so, i prepared her medication for her. it must have surprised her for she asked why and insisted that her medication time is 9pm. ok, i said, i shall leave it on the table. take it when the time is up. as for me, i am going into my bedroom to sleep.

and as it stands now (half hour after retiring into my room), she has crept out of her bedroom and gone to the living room to watch tv. i supposed my plan to get her out of her room is working... but aiyah... i am helluva hungry now. i have not taken a morsel of food since morning... never mind, i'll just drink some water and sleep my hunger off...

now, the issue is - i am not sleepy! 

hahaha!

what to do?

everywhere i go, everyone i spoke with told me i needed to get a domestic helper to help take care of mum. this was the same input given by the rehab center, by the hospital, by my bro, by the hawker uncle, by my friends, by my neighbours, etc. and i think they are right cos my mum is really robbing me of my life. everything i do these days are centered around her. and after quitting my job, all my time are committed to her and her well-being. yet despite all the efforts, i end up getting her black face and her venting day in and day out. i am really going crazy. now, let's review the reasons why i had resisted getting a domestic helper. 

it was becos my mum had paranoia and delusion. thus, she has this constant suspicion and fear of people that she is not familiar with. for that matter, even for people she is familiar with, but not considered her immediate family members (read - her children), she has this deep suspicion about them. when she stayed with my bro, we had a domestic help looked after her. but over time, she suspected the domestic help of using black magic on her, she even suspected my domestic help of conniving with my sis-in-law to kill her. so much so that she went berserk - yes, she was no different from a totally crazy screaming woman - asking to leave the house immediately one evening while i was still at work. 

my brother was at his wits-end and wanted to send her to the mental asylum. he called me to help and i had to rush to his house to talk to her. that was how she landed in my house a year and a half ago. and since then, she had stayed with me. during this year and a half, she had plucked the door peep hole, locked every door that can be locked when she is at home, closed every window that can be close at night. i have had many occasions where she went crazy for no particular reasons other than her paranoia and delusion. she imagines she sees things. she imagines people are out to harm and kill her. when she first came over, bee stayed with me half the week. but over time, she also got suspicious of bee, accusing him and his mum (for god knows why) of wanting to kill her. and that was how bee stopped staying with me. and for that matter, she also suspects my movements for she asks me non-stop what i was doing whenever i leave her sight when i was at home. 

it is precisely becos of all these that i had resisted having another person in the house and end up having to manage her alone. am i wrong? should i proceed and get a domestic help? everyone seemed to think so. but everyone is not aware of how suspicious she can be and her over-the-top behaviour. i am very certain she will end up suspecting the domestic help will want to kill her too. but other than this, what other solutions are there? medically, the doctors have adjusted her medications. and other than her mental issues, she also has the respiratory issues, her pain management issues, her internal medicine issues, etc...

what should i do?

frustrating

it is fucking frustrating to have a mum throwing tantrums at you every morning for no good reasons. and all you can do is to keep convincing yourself that she is an old person who has mental issues and to keep going at it, keeping things in order, cleaning up after her mess, cleaning the urine all over, cleaning the soiled bedsheets, getting her her needs, and so on... and all the time trying to keep a straight, or a smily face. and she just go on having her mood swings and going on hunger strikes...

she has been at it for the past few weeks and today is the worst. last night, she was still ok, but this morning, woke up to her black face and her usual food avoidance. and despite trying to coax her about taking some thing, she insisted she was not hungry. anyway, managed to hold on for the whole morning after cleaning and mopping the house off her pee. at about lunchtime, i sat on the sofa and said that it needed some cleaning as it has a strong urine smell. that is when she accused me of being unhappy to have her staying in my place. and since then, she had been crying non-stop...

hmmm... what the fuck am i supposed to do? 

twitching eye

for whatever reasons, my lower left eyelid has been twitching on and off for the last week and it feels very uncomfortable. if chinese superstitions were true, a huge misfortune should be coming my way. but of cos, i am not superstitious. whatever good or bad is my own doing, basic principle of karma. so in my case of twitching eye, i think it was likely due to insufficient or bad rest or stress. and yes, i have been waking up on an hourly basis every night these days for unknown reasons. that should be the cause for my bad rest.

hmmm, i should try to get more quality sleep. perhaps, i should minimize surfing the net before i sleep, get myself tired by doing more exercises. and perhaps, try to do some meditation to relax myself before bedtime. and yes, i should not place my handphone beside me when i sleep! 

:-)

ps: i found out that twitching eye is also called myokymia. you can read more about it here...

pictures from http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/eye%20twitch?before=43

bird shit!

there i was, seated in the middle of a huge recently refurbished covered hawker center having my lunch... and i felt something dropped onto my shoulder. i looked up... the whole ceiling with criss-crossing beams was empty except for one single mynah.

and the mynah just shat on me! lol!

am i lucky or unlucky or what?!

ps: when i tell my friends about this, all of them asked me to buy 4d (local lottery)! lol!

pps: if you ask me what-the-fuck has flipper heels gotta do with bird shit. well, that was my exact same reaction when it landed on me - wtf! lol!

picture from http://www.4us2be.com/health-fitness/natural-common-cold-remedies/

r.i.p milo

as a dog lover and a dog owner, it is sad to hear of another dog's death... especially one that is untimely.

in the neighbouring block, there is a family who has a brown jack russell by the name of milo. and like all jack russells, milo was a hyperactive dog. i got to know milo in the early 2000s when i walked sapphie (when she was a little puppy). at that time, milo's owners (2 kids - a little boy and his elder sister) would always bring him down to the carpark to play. and over time, they got to know sapphie and they would always come up to my floor to taunt sapphie. it was part of their game to see who could make sapphie bark loudest. it has been more than a decade. milo should be 12 years old this year, just like sapphie. and the little boy and his sister has now grown up. the boy has recently completed his national service and his sister is now working. i noted that they do not bring milo to the car park anymore and i suspect their playtime with milo is now restricted to the little time they have at home, as they busy themselves with their young adult lives.

last week, as i made my way to the park for a jog, i noticed a signage at the rear gate. it said "dog by the name of milo missing". i recognized the picture. it was milo alright. from the date stated, milo had been missing for a week. it must have been quite a trauma to the family, i thought. and 2 days back, i met the little boy (now a young man), hi uncle he called out. merry christmas! he wished me. i asked about milo. and with his head a little bowed he said. my mum left the house door open and he ran away. and a couple of days later, a maid told us that a dog was ran over by a car at the road. we suspected it was milo from the description. sighs. super sad right? a member of the family, ran away and killed and they did not even get to see the dead body. i would have been terribly upset if this happened to sapphie! anyway, the young man quickly added - well, we will be getting a now dog soon. and off he went.

rest in peace, milo.

:-(

picture from http://cinnamonbunzuh.blogspot.sg

merry gay christmas

and of cos, here's wishing all my gay friends a mary mary christmas!

have fun!

ps: pictures were send to me by my friends (including girls)! haha!

merry christmas

it's the time of the year to celebrate christmas. christmas is christian festival to commemorate the birth of jesus christ. but regardless of religious denominations, let's celebrate the season of love and joy together. celebrate the common areas, respect the differences and love each other like a family. that is the way to achieve everlasting peace.

wishing everyone a merriest christmas! may all sentient beings be happy during this season of joy and love!

picture from http://www.examiner.com/article/buddhism-and-the-christmas-season

hiv poz

a friend of mine just told me he is hiv poz. 

well, frankly, i took it rather well and simply asked him if he is managing ok. it has been 3 years he said. and he has been celibate since then.  and we carried on the conversation like as though it was just another conversation topic. he acknowledged that if there is anyone to blame, it would be he himself. no one else. and he seemed rather resigned to it... the conversation went on for a while and we ended as per all normal conversation. i supposed i am glad that he has taken it rather well. not that he has a choice. but inside me, i felt sad. sad for a fact that he has gone through quite a lot of injustice in life and now he had to cap it off with an hiv infection. 

whatever it is, i really appreciate the fact that he trusted me enough to share this very sensitive piece of news. he can be assured i will keep it secret. he will always be my dear friend. hiv or not. i wish him well. i really do.

sighs...

kiasu aunties!

was at a local supermarket to do some grocery shopping this morning and witnessed first hand 2 kiasu  (local slang for "afraid of losing") aunties...

you see, i had done my shopping and had made my way to the cashier. there were a couple of queues at the cashier counter and the queue i was in was about 7-8 long. i was fourth in the line and an ah ma holding half a basket of items in front of me. in front of the ah ma stood a middle aged man with an item in his hand. he was the next to pay for his things. in the next queue, a woman hurriedly crossed over to pass her stuff (also one item) to the middle aged man when she noted the queue was faster. sighs, apparently, this was a couple who had 2 items and each had taken one item to queue at different queues... f-ing kiasu people! it is often such double, triple queuing that makes queues look super long.

anyway, behind me was another auntie (let's call her auntie b). auntie b kept making that "tserk" sound when she saw the woman crossed queue. her constant "tserking" was so loud it was impossible not to know she was very unhappy. so yup, you can imagine how tense and unfriendly the whole atmosphere was. added to this, auntie b kept leaving the queue to take a look at how many items people in other queues were buying. she was obviously trying to cut queue! just then, a new store assistant came over and opened a new cashier counter. seeing this, auntie b rushed from my queue to the newly opened cashier counter. she was one helluva rude for she pushed her way across another queue and didn't bother if she hit people with her groceries. and people around her gave her unfriendly stares.

and just as auntie b was about to reach the queue...

... she was intercepted by another uncle with a cart filled with items to the brim. 

orbigood!

hahaha!

the wedding banquet

went for my ex-staff's wedding banquet yesterday. it was good. good to see everyone in the unit again. and i certainly had a good time catching up with everyone. but what was interesting was the flood of emotions that i experienced...

• firstly, impatience. after having gone through so many weddings, i admit i felt somewhat impatient when the whole process unfold, the wedding march, the showing of the video clip, the toasting, etc... such processes has somewhat become a `routine' for weddings and wedding dinners. and i have to constantly remind myself that it is the couple's day and that what they do is for themselves and we are there to be part of the celebrations. 
• secondly, wayang/ waste of time/ childish. when they showed the video clip of how the bridesmaids made the bridegroom and his team of bestman do all sorts of antics before he could be allowed to see the bride, i thought, omg, what a waste of time and how bluddy childish these people are! the inclusion of these antics was a recent phenomena and was never a part of the custom. so, being a traditionalist, i was never an advocate of such games.
• thirdly, meaningful. i noted the many traditional practices such as setting up of the altar, the paying respects to the ancestors, the exchange of ang pows between the groom and the ku kia, etc. these, i thought was rather meaningful.  
• and last but not least, old. everyone at the wedding dinner looked so young. kiddish, for that matter! and i was reminded that my cousin's son had also recently gotten married. and with that realization, i felt somewhat old...

haha... so much for all these emotions and thoughts that went through my mind. end of the day, it is about how the bride and the groom commemorate their day. what was important was that the mix of traditional and less traditional items in the whole day meant something to them as well as to their elders. 

:-)

picture from http://www.123rf.com/photo_12123475_double-happiness-symbol.html