he's 2!

ahhh, i forgot to write about this, last friday was my nephew's 2nd birthday! time really flies. it was not too long ago that his mum checked into the hospital to give birth to him and now he is 2 years old! and he is now one helluva challenge to handle. full of energy, full of mischief and of cos, very adorable and very loveable. 

heh... 

hunger strike

well, mum is on hunger strike. or rather, she refuses food that i offer to her. and so, she is refusing dinner, and for that matter, refusing any food when i am around. also, she does not want to head out shopping when i asked.

in short, she is just refusing anything that i give to her. initially, i was quite pissed off, but thinking about it again, i was quietly tickled by her behaviour. very childish and very targeted (at me). i just let her be and eat as per normal. let her dwell in her unhappiness and let her pout for all she wants. when she gets tired of it, she'll start to eat again.

and until then, she just asks for water.

:-)

ps: it is not a bad thing altogether cos she is grossly overweight and i have had such a hard time convincing her to eat less so as to manage her weight.

she's awake

she's emo the whole of today. and i placed a sleeping pill into her handful of tablets she takes late evening. that was barely 2 hours ago and now, she's awake. hmmm... as far as i am concerned, i will just lock myself in my bedroom and sleep.

:-)

emo mum

as i said, i was in a bad mood. but mum made the day worst. and i am using this post to vent.

my domestic helper was on off today after her break. she needed to pass some of her stuff to her relatives in singapore. and so i had to look after mum. everything went well in the morning. but after breakfast at about 9.15 am, mum got a call from my sis-in-law. she asked mum to head to her house earlier (our usual visit time was about 3-4pm) as my brother wanted to head out to the temple. an innocent request but a request that turned mum into a kancheong spider (local lingo for flustered anxious person).

we came home at about 9.30 am and from then, mum went non-stop about wanting to head to the place early. and despite understanding that our early would be about 1-2pm (or after lunch), she kept on nagging about needing to go early. and she'd repeat almost every 5 min about why i have not change up, why i was still watching tv, why i was dilly-dallying, etc. i was initially patient with her and explained nicely that we'll leave house at 1pm, but by about 10-ish, i lost my cool. i simply told her to leave me alone to have my rest. i told her not to rush me and that we have lots of time. i added that it was a sunday and it was my rest day. i asked why she always got so flustered when my brother asked her go earlier and not consider the fact that i needed rest.

she retorted - why do you need to rest. you work in the office and weekends, you are so free, why would you need to rest further? and since you are not willing to take me there early, i will go myself! hmmm, very combative. i was unhappy about her reaction. but i went along and rushed through to bring her there. and guessed what, she refused to talk to me through the day, went on mini-hunger strike, pulled a long face, etc.

much as i ignored her, it was not easy not to be affected by her mood-swings.

damned!

bad mood

i was in such bad mood today... everything seemed wrong.

duh!

big hero 6

a nice heartwarming show. the thing i like about the show (and i dare say many cartoon movies these days) is that they also touched on rather ethical stuff. just like how the boy was so consumed with the desire to revenge his brother's death that he almost ended up killing the professor. but no, he did not in the end and he eventually realised his mistake. the dilemma and emotional struggle he went through was very well presented. these are issues that are very adult in nature and not something one would see in cartoons of the old days.

so, yeah, i enjoyed the show. simple story line but very deep in the lessons that can be learned.

:-)

swimming pool encounter

i experienced a really sexy encounter at the pool (above) earlier today. i had collected mum's medications from the mental health institute and decided to drop by the pool for a tan. when i arrived, there was this nerdy-looking guy. i have never seen him before. he was tanning and seemed extra conscious of people arriving. he kept looking at my direction, probably wondering if i would take offence with what he was wearing. he was wearing a g-string. he was lying in a prone position and from the back, the g-string was so tiny it would probably be easier to simply call it a string.

the sun was good and i made myself comfortable on a sun-deck next to him, the only space left. i sat on my deck as i read my papers. i thought he started to feel a little more confident after a while when i didn't make any fuss and he turned around. and i was... whoooohhh... he was wearing a translucent purple pouch that really left nothing to imagination! and in the pouch, he wore a orange coloured leather cock-ring - the type that looked like a bracelet and has several metallic studs to allow one to adjust the tightness.

ok, shan't write further. not too nice to go into details and make things too explicit. 

heh heh... 

10-day break?

well, technically i had had a 10-day mental break from my mum. but in reality it was not so. 

she went over last wednesday. and i spend the full sat and sunday with her. and on tuesday, my brother called, very unhappy for that fact that her oxygen concentrator had malfunctioned and beeped through the night, thereby disturbing his sleep. and so i had to make my way to his place in the morning. bring the machine to the workshop to get it repaired. headed to work and then send it back to my mum after work. and today, mum is back.

so technically, although mum stayed with my brother for 10 days, i was there almost every 2-3 days. and during the times when i was not there, mum would call me almost 10-20 times a day, sometimes to check on me, who i was with, where was i, and what was i doing.

so... but yes, i did have a break. and during the times when i had the time to myself, i had to constantly lie to her that i was at home when i was out. 

depression is back

i think my depression has gotten back. i have been feeling uneasy, sad and anxious although outwardly, i seemed pretty cool about things and easy-going. and i think i am like that because of:

• i was unhappy that bee did not even made the effort to have dinner with me over the pass 10-days. i had expected him to spend more time with me during my break but he could not due to his work. he only initiated a dinner after i expressed my displeasure and we ended up having a rather short dinner last night, the night before mum returns.
• i was rather anxious about my staff leaving. she finally left 2 days ago. my new staff joins me end of the month. 
• i felt a little unsettled without a boss. my ex-boss left 2 weeks ago. well, technically this was a good thing cos he was useless and there was no leadership from him. yet, strangely, when he left, there was a weird sense of being unsettled cos with no one around, there was no one to take responsibility if things get screwed up.
• i felt angry with my colleague who seemed extra unco-operative these days. 
• i felt uncertain about my new boss, who will join us within the next couple of weeks. the uncertainty of what this new boss will be like is rather unsettling.
• the anticipation of the end of my "holiday". my domestic helper is coming home and that means, mum is coming home. this only meant the end of my mental break.

all these add up to big time stress for me i guess. and being someone who hardly verbalise my thoughts, i end up keeping them inside and feeling all pent up. and when that happens, i start worrying, and think too much for my own good, and then i get depressed...

hmmm... 

end of "holiday"

my domestic helper has returned. the 10-day break simply passed so bloody fast. and now, mum is back at home. that also meant my "mental-break" from my mum is over...

but well, it was a rather good break i must say.

:-)

bad start

my new boss came to the office yesterday. and he came in just when my colleague and i had a tiff. i supposed it was not a good start cos the impression he had was that we were at loggerheads and that the team was not cohesive. it was the first time such a thing happened and it had to be witnessed by my new boss! haha...

so that was the wrong impression that was created. and naturally, he stated his displeasure with me and my lack of maturity in my burst. well, this perhaps marked the bad start for me with my new boss. my hour-plus conversation with him seemed full of conflicting signals. he came in, shared that his target for the department is to win national awards within 2-3 years. and that he hope to be able to allocate new areas for me to manage, which was ok to me except that he added that in small companies, if people don't want to accept new responsibilities, they could be told to leave. now, i wondered if he was hinting to me anything and if this was a result of his bad impression of me when he walked in.

anyway, after the conversation with him, i felt the need to start my job search again. i don't know, i just have this very uneasy feel with him.

hmmm...

blasted my colleague

i seldom burst, but when i burst, things can go really awry. well, i am talking about my temper.

anyway, i blasted at my colleague yesterday - a manager from the operations side of my department. he's a very young manager but has not been a very good team player. since i joined the company, i had been tasked to assist the operations side in doing a lot, and i really mean, a lot of stuff. and whenever i circulate my proposal for change, i will not get any response from him. and everyone in the department had gotten along with the changes i had made. and added to that, there were many many occasions where i kept my cool despite his sarcasm at times. there was a lot of pent up tensions i supposed.

and lately, he started drawing lines and seemed to want to create barriers between his side and mine. and on top of that, he started pushing things back. worst of all, when i send out an email asking for comments for an adjustment of processes, the tone he adopted in his email reply sounded rather hostile. he started to say things like, not trying to draw lines but... and then he would hint quite clearly to me that i should mind my own business instead of trying to change things. and he went to the extent of telling me what i should be focusing on, instead of trying to propose changes to his processes. i was like - wtf, have you not been in the know of what was happening for the last 2 years? have you not understood that i had been doing lotsa stuff you had ignored? and instead of thanking me, you now tell me to mind my own business?

i simply asked him if he knew what his staff was doing, what the shortcomings in current processes were and the materials his staff had been using (which i had been conscientiously updating monthly for the last year plus), and he said no, but added on that he was simply "making a comment" since i asked. i couldn't take his comment and simply told him off. he does not know his staff, what they were doing, what i had been helping out, etc... in another words, he had failed in his leadership. wtf.

anyway, i didn't bother. i simply told him off. he was not happy and so was i. it was not me to do such stuff, but i had had it. enough was enough. of cos i didn't shout at him, but i sounded totally not the usual me (who was always cheerful and joking) that everyone around just kept silent and didn't want to utter a sound. the whole office kept quiet.

wtf...

lemonade

i posted this in my facebook and in no time, it garnered 30 likes. quite a record for a posting for me. but that was not the motivation behind posting it. you see, when i made the post about the complaining uncle, someone commented and disagreed with my point that the education system was good. he lamented about how rigid the local school system was, etc. but of cos, it was clear he had misread my post. i was not really commenting about the education system. i was simply reflecting how the uncle chose to see things from a half-empty rather than a half-full perspective. and so as a follow up, i made my posting below. in no time, i got half a dozen emails from people who were concerned about how i had gone through it without telling them.

well, i was kinda glad they reached out to me. i even came out to one of them. well, he was ok with it. just glad to be able to get this out in the open after almost a decade. frankly, i have moved on. but admittedly, this is something i can understand but cannot accept. but well, have just to move on right? easier said that done. i must first try to forgive, but i still cannot.

:-)

here's my facebook posting...

a quick sharing about attitudes in viewing half a glass of water. half full or half empty, it's your attitude that counts. don't ask me details, but this sharing is very personal and no replies will be given.

how many of u are aware that in may 2005, i was hauled up to msd, interrogated for a good 8 hours and humiliated by junior officers. i was subsequently stripped of my security clearance, my masters program revoked, and placed under restriction in my movements as long as i stay in service. it also caused me my possible promotion possibilities subsequently. and for a good half year, i sat in the office and just stare at the wall cos i was not even allowed to go near a computer. the feeling of employed but not deployable was not a good one, not to mention the emotional turmoil plus having to having to face my staff daily. got myself posted to scsc after a long drawn negotiation process. i continued serving in scsc until i left service in 2009.

suffered depression, and epilepsy and lost more than 15% of my body weight and almost got admitted into imh. till today, i still suffer memory lapses following that fateful event.

but if not for that event, i wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to interact with and learn so much from the many wonderful people that passed through scsc during my 4-year stay. i wouldn't have gotten the chance and opportunities to be able to hone my abilities as a people developer. and this led to my eventual decision to take up learning and development and leadership development as a path in life.

good lesson to learn here - when life deals you lemons, make lemonade.

drawing lines

the irony of someone saying he doesn't want to draw lines is that by saying it, he is drawing lines.

no?

opening hours

wtf. might as well leave your contact number and ask people to make appointment right? and from the words, i conclude that the only times that we can find the shop owner for sure is between 3 to 5pm. 

haha...

complain king

i was at a coffee shop having my breakfast when i overheard a conversation between two uncles. one was obviously very self-centered, a complain king, and has that kinda "everything also wanna win" character. the other uncle was simply a listener and come across as a "no opinion" person. the self-centred uncle was criticizing the singapore education system... and here's the gist of what he said:

i tell you ah, the singapore education system very jiak lat (local slang for screwed up). must pay lots of money to get to university and very stressful at all levels. look, there're only 5000 places for elite people to get into good programs like the ib (international baccalaureate) and where does that leave the majority of the kids. and just look at my daughter, she almost failed her psle (local elementary school leaving examinations), her gce "o" levels best 3 subjects almost 20 points (aggregated score of best 3 subjects, the lower the better, lowest 3 point and to pass, 18 points), and it was so very hard for her to get to jc (junior college). so i send her to new zealand, she easily got into the university, and now she studying for her masters... i tell you, the local education system is totally screwed up....

that was the gist of the almost monologue-like conversation. and i was half-laughing to myself as i listen to him. in his statements, he came across as:

• boasting about how "screwed up" his daughter was
• how she could not compare to most singaporeans
• implied how good the local education was (and still is)
• implied how screwed up the nz education system was (and perhaps still is), but of cos, almost implied that the nz system was flexible to allow people to be developed to their highest potential
• etc

it was funny how he didn't realize this - it is always easy to complain, and always easier to blame everyone and everything, but most difficult to accept that the issue many a times is - how to be contented and fit in. nothing is perfect in this world. and most importantly, when you wanna criticise the system, don't do it at the expense of your daughter. but most interestingly, i see this uncle talking to the no-opinion uncle everyday and everyday, he would complain about things that ranged from grocery, to cost of living, to the government, to all sorts of local policies, etc. it made me wonder why the hell he is still in singapore. and back to the topic of his daughter and the education system.  shouldn't he be glad that despite all his complains, no one has restricted him in sending his daughter overseas? he has a choice.

haha...

"let's have fun"

as a kid, when i asked my friends if they want to meet for fun, it was just that. but as an adult, when i asked the same question...

same words, possibly same outcome (feeling of fun), but a whole new level in terms of interpretation of what "fun" means. 

lol!

"par-parrr"

my most adorable nephew has picked up quite a few words over the past couple of months. 

and given his abilities to only articulate the last syllabus of whatever words he has learned, it can be rather challenging to decipher what he was actually trying to tell us. for example, the chinese word for "room" (房间) is pronounced as "fáng jiān". but to him, he will simply go "jiān" and he would repeat it a few times to me as he tries to get me to head to the room (the usual place where i would play games with him).

also, he loves cars and has this habit to associate colour with people. for example, he would call all dark blue/ black car "pork pork" (i.e. me) as i drive a dark blue car. and funnily, he would call all blue taxis "par-parrr" as my brother drives a blue coloured taxi. so... you can imagine him going "par-parrr" again and again whenever he sees a blue cab driving by on the road.

lol!

contact me on fb

during one of the week nights, i decided to drop by fort road car park.

i wanted to take a brisk walk/ run but didn't want to head to changi business park. i decided on fort road as i was also curious what had become of the place since they cordoned off the car park areas to reconstruct the jogging path and widen the road. when i arrived, i chanced upon an old friend, someone whom i could click pretty well with many many years ago. for that matter, when i was based in the tampa florida back in 2004, he had a business trip to tallahassee and i took the effort to drive all the way up to meet him and to bring him around florida. that was almost 10 years back. since then, i occasionally chanced upon him at fort road but have not actively kept in contact with him. then again, i have lost his contact since i changed my phone some years back.

anyway, when i arrived at fort road and parked my car, i had noticed him. i noted he saw me too but didn't recognised it was him. i was checking my phone for messages when he walked to up to my car, took a look inside and exclaimed oh, it is you! i supposed he must have felt embarrassed to have tried to cruise me. he quickly walked away. nonetheless, i left my car and walked up to him. we exchanged pleasantries but he seemed pretty unenthusiastic about carrying the conversation further. i took the hint but before parting, asked for his number to keep in contact. he hesitated and said, haltingly, errr nowadays my friends contact me via facebook... well, i got the message, loud and clear. oh ok, in that case, seeya. i smiled and left that place. i didn't even go for my run. to me, that was the rudest thing to say. and for that moment, i struck him off my friend list in my mindbook...

really, life is too short for such nonsense.

ps: admittedly, i did a search for him in facebook and he cannot be found.

hunger games: mockingjay 1

went for the show last evening with bee. and i must say i did not enjoy it as much as i thought i would. perhaps it was due to all the expectations build up over time. this time round the story seemed pretty slow. but of cos, seeing things on the bright side, it was a good break.

lol!

i wanna go home

friday early evening, mum called and told me she felt very uncomfortable staying at my brother's place. and within a couple of minutes, she called again and said she wanted to come home. she related how flustered my sis-in-law was looking after her and she didn't feel good about it. 

as she said so, i was thinking - nope, i think the real meaning was because you suspected i was out with bad people. and i thought so because i sensed her paranoia when i spoke with her on thursday and again friday afternoon. she was extra curious where i was and despite telling her i was at work, she would suddenly keep quiet. that kinda reaction was something i had been used to. 

well, i simply told her i would bring her home. but she should allow me to take leave from work and get myself ready for the possibility of being sacked. with that she retracted her request to come home.  that was my last resort and i knew she would give in. she had felt uneasy for the fact that in my previous employment, my boss had told me to "sort" her out as she's a problem to my work effectiveness. and i supposed she felt a little guilty about that.

well, it worked.

mental break

it had been a good past couple of days.

i was able to do what i wanted to do without worrying about mum's paranoia. for example, i could go out of the house, have dinners with friends or, for that matter, talk on the phone without worrying if she would suspect i was talking to someone "bad". so over the past couple of days, i was able to have dinners with my office staff, with francis, and with dan and kl. things that i had not been able to do for the longest time ever.

my domestic help's home leave but really, it felt like my own.

:-)

mum's anxieties

was on my way back home after leaving mum at my brother's place and i had the chance to talk to the domestic helper, something i didn't have the luxury to do when mum was around. i explained to her about mum's medical condition and asked if she could manage things. that was when i learned of some very interesting things. things like how mum would scold her whenever she watches the tv (confusion), how mum would be suspicious of her and kept asking her about her whereabouts, about where i was, and for that matter, about how mum was so unwilling to stay at my brother's place. mum told her that if she were to stay at my brother's place, my "wife" would come over and stay.

haha... that explained why mum insisted on bringing her soiled clothes along and not allow me to wash for her. of cos, i didn't allow her to do so.

:-)

home leave

my domestic worker finally left for her home leave on wednesday.

and i left my mum at my brother's place tuesday night. it was interesting for the fact that despite mum's initial hesitation and frequent backing out of the decision to put up at my brother's place, she didn't resist when we sent her to his place on tuesday evening. i supposed the fact that the flurry of events that happened on that day did help to distract her from the anxieties of staying over at my brother's place.

lol!

mum's birthday

we celebrated mum's 82nd birthday on 2 dec, tuesday.

that was also the day i brought her to stay at my brother's place. the plan for the day was for her to head to the rehab centre. i would return home from work early and bring her to my brother's place about 4-ish, to escape the after-work traffic. the earlier than usual timing would also allow me to pack her stuff and to allow us to return early so that the domestic help can pack her bags before she returns to myanmar 3 dec. but things did not happen as planned. things went topsy turvy all becos of my second sis. here's the story.

late morning my second sis texted me - i would like to bring mum out for lunch, is it ok? well, she had previously wanted to join me and mum on monday for dinner but for some reasons, decided to pull out. and now she wanted to bring her for lunch. i was a little uncomfortable cos mum is not good with last minute arrangements, much less from second sis. but well, i asked her to talk to mum herself. after ,making sure all the timings are deconflicted, i left her to manage mum's timings. mum needed to be back at the rehab before 2pm, or if the lunch extents a little later than 2pm, she should send mum home instead.  she said ok.

i came home at 4pm and guess what - mum was no where to be found. wtf! i called second sis and found out she had last minute decided to bring mum for an outing. wtf wtf wtf! of all times to do that. she has also lots of excuses when it comes to spending time with mum and now, when i don't need her to do so, she decided to pull a fast one. she also knew i will be bringing mum to brother's place! now, it's already 4pm and mum's not back. that meant that when mum comes home, she needed to shower, change up, pack her stuff, her medication, etc. and by the time we leave, it would be about 6pm. darned! and worst of all, mum cannot be rushed. she'll get anxious. and my brother's family had prepared dinner and... yup, everything planned spoiled.

i was very unhappy. no, to be exact, i was fuming! i called her and told her off. everything she has done all these while has been about her. fucking self-centric. since when has she ever considered things from other people's perspective? of cos i didn't say all these. i simply told her she had spoiled all the plans i had made just becos of her last minute impromptu decision. she could have at least told me about it so that i can pre-empt my brother too. 

anyway, as expected, we left the house 6.15pm. and lo and behold, there were traffic jams all over the expressways. i had no choice but to navigate my way there without taking the expressways! called my brother that i would be late. managed to arrive about 7.30pm. dinner etc went as planned and by the time we arrived home, it was close to 11pm. dead tired. but well... despite all the tensions, i think mum enjoyed herself. she was quite distracted by all the rushing and thankfully, her anxiety did not work up.

burning house

i wanted to blog about a dream i had 2 nights ago. it wasn't an angry dream but one where i felt very kancheong (cantonese for "flustered, a strong sense of urgency"). here's the story...

it was a dark space. i was standing next to (or in, it was vague, but didn't matter) a building where there were very beautifully carved and multi-coloured beams. something very similar to those one can find at chinese traditional temples. it felt cool and calm all round.

then suddenly, i noticed the beam on fire. it was not the ferocious type of fire. but one that was slowly licking and playing around at some parts of the wooden beam. the blueness of the fire contrasted rather interestingly with the multi-coloured beam.

at that time, my second sister appeared. she seemed to be having a little tiff with my brother, who also appeared out of no where but cannot be seen.

i called out to her to help me put off the fire as i didn't like what i saw. a fire is a fire. and fire and wood don't coexist without the wood being reduced to ashes. suddenly, the fire intensified. it turned from blue to yellow and from a slow licking flaming to a more ferocious angry one. and the fire started to spread. sensing danger, i called out to my sis and brother to help me put off the fire. she didn't. instead, their bickering intensified.

i felt very helpless as there was nothing i could do to try to stop their bickering. and the fire continued intensifying. then...

i woke up.

as i said, it wasn't a scary dream. but one that woke me up. and certainly, it was not difficult to interpret the dream. very straight forward actually. in the dream, the beam represented my mum.

confused mum

i had, for the longest time, been writing about mum and her mood swings as well as her deep sense of suspicions with people around her. all these were behavioral manifestations of her paranoia. but increasingly over the last couple of weeks, i am seeing a new development in her mental state. the frequency of paranoia-related conditions seemed to have stabilized and the frequency of confusion has increased. this is consistent with what i read in the internet about mid-stage dementia patient.

just yesterday, after the maid does the nightly massage for her, mum kept asking why her hands were different. after assuring her that they were the same, i tried to distract her by pointing her to the tv serial in channel 8. to mum, all tv serials have something consistent - there're always "good people", and "bad people". she took a glance at the show and then asked why the "bad people" are different. and as she asked, she showed me her hands. oh dear, she has confused the characters in show with her hands! and sensing the danger of her getting paranoid because of "bad people", i quickly switched to channel 5 where a news bulletin was being screened. the news was covering a story about a newly completed bus hub at bedok. the next thing i knew, mum asked me why the "bus interchange" were different! she had gotten the concepts of "hand" and "bus interchange" mixed up and now referred to her hands as "bus interchange".

the maid's initial look of confusion quickly turned to laughter. yup, it was indeed funny. but to me, it was also disheartening. i don't think my domestic worker understands the implications of this development. and i wondered if my mum would still be the same by the time the domestic help comes back from her home leave mid-dec.

hardworking maid

my domestic worker returns for a 10-day home leave this wednesday. and she has been very busy since last friday doing as much as she could before she leaves. so she's been washing the bed sheets, cleaning the bedroom cabinets, etc. doing things that she usually do once every 2-3 weeks.

to a very large extent, her presence has certainly relieved me of a lot of stress. and i am thankful that she's someone who does things without having me push her. and reflecting, i was glad i made the decision to let her go for her home leave at the end of the first year with me instead of after 2 years (as what most people do).

then again, let hope she comes back.

haha...

uneventful weekend

it was certainly and uneventful weekend. bee was away in bangkok with his mum and aunt and as a result, the usual saturday evenings meeting did not occur. the thing was - when there was too much time, the mind will get restless and run. not necessarily a good thing.

i am glad monday is here again.

haha...

uncomfortable anticipation

uncomfortable anticipation. this is probably how I would describe my feeling now about having my mum stay with my brother over the 10-days when my domestic worker goes for her home leave.

the domestic worker will return this wednesday morning and i will be sending mum over on tuesday evening. my sis-in-law readily and happily said she'll look after mum when i asked. but thinking about all the things we do for mum as a routine, her habits, her behaviour changes daily, i am fearful if my sis-in-law can manage. and this is made worst by my brother's history of impatience and (in)ability to manage his anger when he sees/ feels something is not going his way.

of cos, i can prepare the medication, her clothes, etc, but there will be a stop to all the opportunities to interact and to get the daily dosage of mental stimulation. these are things she gets when she attends the elderly rehab center and the nightly shopping trips daily. i also suspect this change in routine would not do good to her. added to that, i am not sure if my sis-in-law can manage her behavioral changes daily at specific times of the day, the need to consciously be aware of her comfort and sleep at night, to ensure her chest remains elevated through her when she sleeps to prevent coughing, the techniques needed to hold her when helping her dress up, shower or put on diapers etc. and to make things more challenging, she is showing signs of anxiety as seen in her increased incidences of confusion, and coughing in the day...

let's see how things go. my plan is to bring her home and to take leave when and if things go out of hand or when my sis-in-law cannot manage, considering she has 2 young kids to look after at the same time.

for now, can only hope for the best.

end-november!

it hit me earlier that we are approaching the end of the year. and i got a little reflective and asked myself if i have achieved what i set out to do at the start of this year - to make 2014 a fulfilling year. it would be about a month more before i capture my thoughts about this, per my yearly reflections since several years back.

and i concluded very quickly, and without thinking too deeply, that i had not. not fully for that matter due to many factors that were beyond me. then again, i shall not be too critical about it. overall and off the cuff, i think this year had been a relatively good one. of cos there were ups and there were downs, and many a times i had managed them proactively. and that was most important.

shall think about it more and prepare myself for the end-of-2014 reflections. 

:-)

protecting sapphie

i decided to get medication for sapphie eventually.

needed to prevent her tick medically as an added safeguard. i reckoned it would provide an additional layer of protection to her during this tick season. so for now, apart from having the maid to walk her outside the estate, away from the known tick-infested areas, and mechanically combing her fur at least twice daily to remove any tick, i have also dripped the anti-tick medication onto her skin for additional peace of mind. a pipette of medicine will last a month and since i applied it 2 days back, i think it is working. the number of ticks i managed to pick has decreased to almost none these couple of days. and today, i found a dead tick on her.

let's hope it stays this way.

:-)

lacking motivation

now, i must say this of november - i was not in the best form to blog.

in fact, every time i looked at my blog and wanted to write something, i started to wonder if it was worth the effort to capture what i wanted to write. perhaps it reflected the lack of ups and downs this month. and perhaps it reflected my boredom of blogging the same things again and again - work, mum and her mood swings, etc. and i wondered if i should blog trends rather than events.

haha... trust an intraverted person to think so much about such unimportant stuff... but certainly, apart from november, i think my monthly blog frequencies for each month this year had been record-breaking of sorts. it was kinda unprecendented. and admittedly, at some time or other previously, i simply blogged to chalk up the numbers. and during those times, i simply blog every little details, every little thoughts i had.

and i guessed i got a little tired for november.

haha...

shoes, oops

i was heading out for lunch yesterday when i saw this rather good looking guy (well, which gay man won't take an extra glance at a good looking guy right... well, that's besides the point for this post). we took the same shuttle bus to the airport for lunch and he sat a few seats in front of me. naturally, me being me, i began to scan his body as a whole and then i saw this....

he wore a very nice pair of leather shoes! the kind where one would wear as part of a nice proper evening wear, or a more formal occasion. but for this casual friday, this guy decided to wear the shoe without socks. now, that was something i felt was a mismatch. granted that the trend these days is to go without socks, but i think it has to be with a good nice matching pair of shoes. and certainly, the pair he was wearing didn't fit. but well, who was i to judge right? he was happy about it. then again, it would be great(er) if he had waxed his legs...

haha...

terence

well, that was the name i called myself when i first entered the gay circle. that was 1996. it was such a long time ago. i no longer use pseudonyms these days. and i proudly tell people - i am jeffrey. starts with a "j" and end with "-rey", the american version, not the british version. terence was, a pseudonym no less. but certainly, i chose it because it was the name of a very close friend back in my secondary school days.

and it remains a name that makes me feel very warm.

haha...

contact

for whatever reasons, i have quite a few people contacting me via jack'd recently. and these people tend to be young, in their 20s and 30s. haha...

of cos, what was even more interesting was the fact that after exchanging a few messages and revealing how we look like, they would go "wow, you are really good-looking" or "you don't look your age" to me. i mean, such things do happened once in a long while and after a few more exchanges of messages, the contacts will somehow wither away. but i am surprised by the sudden spike of such contacts these 2 weeks...

hmmm, it is certainly a very nice surprise and of cos, a boost to my ego. not that i was looking for such endorsement in the first place.

lol!

ks aka peace

i texted ks yesterday to ask if it was his birthday. i vaguely recalled 22 nov to be the day. he replied in the evening that it was and wished me the same too, one month in advance. haha... but seriously, i don't think he'll recall the exact day. but that doesn't matter.

ks (aka roger to other people) was someone i was superbly close to when i was in my late-teens. we were so close we were almost inseparable. we got along extremely well and the concept of sexuality was something we did not even ask. but of cos, he's straight whereas i am gay, and i was totally oblivious of my sexuality back then. we lost contact after my uni first year in 1997 (?) and we did not establish contact until sometime in the mid-2000s when he called me in my office. i had written about him some time back but had not spoken about him much after that. 

anyway, after he contacted me, i came out to him. he was shocked and ignorant about homosexuality. don't think he is homophobic but he certainly had a very wrong idea about gays. but well, that didn't matter. he re-established contact to get closure about why i stopped contacting him and we had met up at least twice after that. we are still in contact but do not make the efforts to meet up regularly. we have gone our separate ways over the last 2 decades despite being so bloody close back then. we had so many things in common. 

when i contacted him again yesterday to send him my birthday wishes, i noticed one very interesting thing. his nick in his whatsapp is "peace". that is exactly the same as my blog nick. and interestingly, my whatsapp nick is "omm", same meaning. lol... guess after all these years, we still have some things in common.

haha... let's not read too much into it.

tea with bee

it had been a long while and yesterday, we managed to find some time together. had send mum to my brother's place in the morning and i had the afternoon to myself after telling mum i needed to bring the dog down to pee. and for the first time after so many months (i've lost count how long since he came over), bee was able to come over without fear of making mum haywire. 

managed to laze around for an hour or two doing all the daily little stuffs (including giving sapphie a bath) before heading out for high tea at a local hotel. 

yumz...

:-)

having no leader

my department head had resigned and has started clearing his leave. and suddenly, the department went onto an auto-mode. everyone was just doing their daily activities like as though nothing has changed. i am not sure about my colleagues, especially the younger ones, but i certainly felt rather uneasy.

uneasy for the fact that this period is budgeting time and my fellow managers in the department seemed to be rather nonchalant about it. although it is none of my business, i thought it was important to pre-empt them so that they can do their ground work and prepare for it. one or two had started to feel the urgency but for some others, especially the junior managers, they simply brushed it off as a non-event. i fear difficulties downstream if budgeting is not done well. then again, if i want to be selfish about it, i would simply do what i need to do for my areas. but it is not nice if things go wrong next year.

let's see how things go, the new head will not come until january and there is a good month plus to go without a leader. all my previous companies, except this current one, have taken budgeting very seriously as we all understood the implications if it is not done well. for now, i will just quietly coach those that are more open to me.

ticks again

just this morning, i managed to find another 8 on her body. and considering she only went downstairs once since last night when i removed more than 30 from her body, i can only conclude that the ticks had most likely attached onto her body this morning. will try to get her to go to another location to pee later today and see how it goes.

i think i'll probably be posting quite a few posts about ticks in the coming days... then again, it's ticks season too!

lol!

:-)

anxiety

i think mum's sudden deterioration was to a large extent due to the maid's impending 10-day break starting 3 dec. you see, i have decided to let the maid head back home to visit her son and family. she has, after all, spend one year with us and has done a reasonably good job. it is also the right thing to do, considering her son is only 8 years old.

had broached the topic to mum a few months back and she was agreeable and she could empathise with the maid - being away from her son for so long. and then lately, mum has been asking repeatedly about when the maid will be returning. and to me, her repeated questioning is a sign of stress. and thus, linking her recent deterioration in her mental conditions, i could only conclude that it is anxiety-induced paranoia, delusion etc... that is making her haywire.

mid-stage dementia

i had tea with bee earlier and related to him about mum's health recently and explained to him that the behaviour she had displayed is commonly known as sundown syndrome. and as i describe, i googled about it. and i learned that 20% of patients with alzheimer's display symptoms of sundown syndrome. it also said such symptoms are clear signs of mid-stage dementia. i didn't really take the word "mid-stage" seriously cos i had the perception that a mid-stage dementia patient would be totally not capable of any logical thinking and would be in an almost vegetative state. 

and at my brother's place, my brother made a comment that my mum's memory had deteriorated so badly that she forgot she ate a packet of oyster omelette for lunch. to me, i wasn't surprise cos it had become a common thing for me. but hearing it from my brother, it struck me that i might have not observe the gradual change. 

and when i drove her home from my brother's place later, she told me she had left her watch at my brother's place. i immediately asked her to give him a call to tell him about it. that was when she told me she couldn't as she had left her handphone at my brother's place. i felt something amiss. it seemed like she had confused her watch for her handphone. and so, i reached out an inserted my hand into her handbag. next thing i knew, i found her handphone. i kept quiet about it and simply asked her to make the call. she looked at me, bewildered, and told me - i don't know how to call. i then asked her to call my sis-in-law instead. again she said - i don't know how to call. apparently, she had forgotten the preset numbers that she had been calling daily. i tested her by asking which number should she press to call me, or my eldest sis... she told me she didn't know.

linking all the recent incidents of increased combativeness, delusions, forgetfulness, confusion, insomnia, etc... it occurred to me that these were the exact signs of a mid-stage dementia patient - just like what i had read earlier. and it hit me. she had eased into mid-stage dementia without me even realising it. frankly, i felt rather ambivalent. on one hand, it was the "ok, it's here finally" sense of regret yet on the other hand, i felt a sense of relief. hmmm, i don't know how to describe. what has to come has already arrived. let's see how long she'll be in this state before she totally forgets about people around her.

hmmm...

mum this week

i wanted to capture a couple of events this week about mum's condition.

i attended a course of tuesday and wednesday and was able to return home early. mum of cos was surprised by my early return but took it in stride. i got back from work on thursday as per my usual work day at about 6pm and mum gave me a weird look. i didn't say anything except to take a seat beside her as i accompanied her to watch her evening tv serial. the maid was busy cleaning some stuff in the kitchen. and then mum suddenly turned to me and with very suspicious look, told me in a very low-toned voice (in hokkien) - that fucking cunt is mixing with bad people... i know, and she's fucking evil, and does a lot of bad things behind my back... ok, that's a clear sign of paranoia to me. i simply responded by asking why she said so... and she replied - i saw her mixing with bad people, this person called pei lian. i tell you, she's up to no good.... not wanting to alarm her or to aggravate her paranoia, i simply told her that everything is ok as long as she does her work and that we can keep an eye on her. the evening went by rather well once we got out of the house to do some shopping.

and on friday (yesterday) at 5.45pm, as i was walking back from office, i got a called from mum. once i answered, her voice rang through - where are you? you came back earlier and left again! i was kinda taken aback... since when did i come home earlier, i thought. i knew straightaway that her delusion has struck. i simply told her that i was on my way home and that i would be home soon. once i arrived, i immediately sat beside her and spoke with her. i explained to her that i was at work whole day and that i didn't return home. she stared at me and retorted - no, you were back home. somebody saw you and told me! i didn't pursue further. there's no point trying to correct someone who suffers from delusion. i simply told her that that someone could have seen the wrong person. once again, the evening went rather well and she was cheerful when i brought her out shopping.

looking at the two incidents, it came clear that they were paranoia and delusional. and that both occurred at around the same time - 4-6pm - typical sundowning syndrome. 

sighs.

ticks ticks ticks

in all today, i caught a total of 35 ticks from sapphie's body.

quite a harvest huh? haha... actually, i caught 2 this morning before i gave her a good bath. and after that bee brought her down to pee. i think it was then that she got a huge number of ticks jumping onto her cos when i combed her body this evening, i caught a total of 33.

huge numbers.... highest so far in my 14 years with her.

will continue to comb her body for the next few weeks.

:-)

massage

i went to the chiro this morning.

the treatment was really painful and the chiro told me my spinal movements today was very limited. following my chiro treatment, i decided to head for a massage. it was a thorough deep tissue massage. what an experience!

let's hope my body loosen up over the next 2 days or so.

but for now, i am aching all over. 

haha... 

:-)

i think i know

i did a research earlier on about dog ticks and apart from confirming that mechanical removal of tick is the most effective, i also found out that tick infection could result in the dog being allergic to red meat...

and that reminded me of this - a few years ago, sapphie almost died becos of allergy to her animal-based dog food. as a result of that, sapphie almost lost all her fur, lost half her weight, and her ears dropped after that. and because of that, she's vegetarian now.

i believed i've found the answer finally.

:-)

ticks again!

i discovered a tick on sapphie last week...

and this morning, the maid caught one. i decided to do a check on her body after i returned from work and... omg! i picked a total of no less than 20-over ticks! it was the most i ever caught from her body! my maid told me she managed to pick 2 from the room when she swept the floor and i decided to do another check. and guess what... i picked up 3 more on the bedroom floor! 

terrible! i guess it is that time of the year again where she'll get tick problems. it always happen towards the end of the year when the wet season starts. i will have to start the routine of combing through her fur daily for the next few weeks to ensure no ticks are left behind...

darned!

nasi lemak

decided to cook nasi lemak (coconut rice) today.... and had planned to include deep fried drumsticks as part of the list of items to cook. and when i took out the drumsticks from the fridge, i almost died. the drumsticks had gone bad and the smell was... whoohhhh!!! discarded them in the end. but that didn't stop me from making the nasi lemak. decided to change the drumstick dish to luncheon meat instead. and so for dinner, we had sambal tumis ikan bilis and hard boiled eggs, sliced cucumber and luncheon meat.

very nice!

haha...

eggs overload

was on course these 2 days and bee send me to the training centre.

we took the chance to have breakfast together and this morning, we saw this couple...

between the two of them, they ordered no less than 20 half boiled eggs!

wow wow wow....

everyone was staring at them!

lol!

course

attended a course over the last two days and it was a really good break.

and the trainer was rather idle, frankly. we ended at 3.30pm yesterday although the official end time was 6pm. and today, we ended by 2.30pm...

anyway, i took the course as a break from the daily work routines and to network. 

so...

:-)