niece's wedding

my niece will be getting married this saturday. my eldest sis did not invite any of us. and as for my mum, the invite was extended to her only for the solemnization ceremony and a lunch after that. the same invite to the lunch was extended to 2 other nieces of mine cos my niece is very close to them. otherwise, no other family members were invited. no one have been invited for dinner and the reason i understand is that they felt the monies that they will get back from ang pows are likely to be insufficient to foot the bill... and so they decided to drop all invites to my side of the family members.

sounds weird? heh heh... that's how things are in my family. where values and family ties either do not exist or are not valued. then again, as long as my niece is happy, i am happy for her. i have taken care of her when she was a baby and she's rather close to me. she was very apologetic for not inviting me, but she has to work within the boundaries of her mummy's wishes. but i am not perturbed by it. i have transferred the ang pow money to her and i wish her the very very best in her new phase in life.

:-)

yellow shirt

i wore a yellow shirt to office this week. and as usual, i made my way to the canteen before i start week. and guess what... my shirt almost blended with the table! haha... and as if this was not bad enough, i went to office and i realized that my shirt also almost blended with my office table. and then towards the end of the day, my colleagues from the in flight department came to the office and exclaimed how i look like a cabin crew...

geeee...

lol!

line pop games

over the past couple of months, i have been playing the games from line in my iphone. and of the 3 games i play, i have constantly been getting high scores for line pop. but i decided that enough is enough, there is a time to start playing and there is a time to stop playing. and i say this cos i have found myself to want to play this whenever i am free. it was very addictive. and i seriously think it is unhealthy. and so, i deleted all the games from my iphone.

i have stopped playing it since 2 weeks ago.

:-)

beauty

not one to post anything porn nor erotic in here, but thought this picture is interesting. there is something about this picture that catches my attention. i cannot pinpoint whether it is the body, the art, the feathers or what... or maybe it was the whole packaging where perfection of the male body, coupled with the fantasy-like patterns that created a rather mystic effect... well...  

and no, it is nothing about being gay or porn. it is simply about appreciating beauty.

whatever. 

:-)

of gods & fires

mum has this habit of wanting to go to temples whenever she feels unwell inside. it calms her down. and she would often raise such requests to bring her to the temple last minute. that was what happened yesterday.

we were having breakfast, and all of a sudden, she said she wanted to go to the temple. i feel the need to do it, she said. i asked if we could go later in the afternoon cos i felt it was not respectful to go to the temple in sleeveless t-shirt and shorts. but she insisted on going right away. and i relented. if i could calm her down, every else is secondary. we went ahead to purchase the joss papers at the hawker center and quickly made our way to the temple.

the whole routine of going to the taoist temple to pay respect to the taoist gods, one after another, had become rather mechanical over time. there is a specific hierarchy to paying respects to the taoist gods, first it was the celestial god, followed by the resident god, then the gods guarding hell, the gods that guards the door/ journey, etc... and as usual, we would place the offerings of joss papers (celestial monies), candles, fruits, candies, etc on the altar before the prayers. and when all was done, we would dutifully ask for permission to burn the joss paper before we make a small donation to the temple.

such practices has a calming effect on mum, and i am sure, many other believers. it may not necessary sound logical scientifically but what matters most is the psychological effect it has on devotees. some things are not to be questioned from an angle of logic. why would gods need monies given by man? why do we need to offer food? a modern scientific person may ask. and i am sure there are logical answers to such practices other than it is something passed down generations after generations. of cos, i do suspect that some of these practices could have evolved over time such that what we see today may not necessarily be what the original practices was conducted years ago. also, i am certain the origins of such practices could possibly be founded by superstitious believes. then again, current day logic is only a representation of what we have learned thus far in our short history, who knows, there might just be some logical explanations to religion that we have yet to discover.

whatever it is, what is important is not what we do or practice regardless of religion/ faiths, rather, it is how it influence us and our energies in living and respecting life, and according respect and compassion to the sentient beings around us.

:-)

ps: but i must admit, seeing the joss papers burning away has some kind of cathartic effect on me, apart from the little pleasures of seeing things burn (that fulfills the secret arsonist desires in me?) haha!

dragon fruits

the dragon fruit is such a pretty fruit, especially the one that has a beet-root red flesh. and i enjoy blending it together with manuka honey and apples for mum and myself on weekends. very fragrant. and of cos, throw in a couple of ice cubes as i blend it and walah! we have a nice cup of chilled dragon fruit apple drink. and i guess it is rich in vitamin a and c and super for detoxifying the body. but of cos, whenever i drink/ take the red flesh dragon fruit, i will end up having reddish urine a few hours later. the first time i saw it, i had a momentary shock cos i thought i had kidney stones again! haha!

:-)

terrible traffic wardens

during the 6 months when i was not working, i took mum out for walks very often. and most of the time, it would be to the beach, as well as to parks. one of the park that i had brought mum to before was the business park behind my condo. it was a half-developed business park and the other half was vacant and very popular with nearby residents. families would have picnics, walk their dogs as well as exercise there. 

once, i drove my car there, stopped my car by the side of the road (a double yellow lined road for reasons unknown - double line means no parking at all), brought down the wheelchair and wheeled mum for a walk, with sapphie on the leashed. before i walked far, a traffic warden came. he was on his motorbike and he rode up to the front of my car. once he stopped, he shouted at me ooi, you cannot park here, move your car now! he demanded as he stood with his arms crossed and looked at me like i was a criminal. i was taken aback by his shouting but decided to just move off. i wheeled my mum back to the car as he continued to stand there and told me to hurry up or he'll book me. people around saw what he did and was rather shocked... i guessed they were shocked (as i was) to see a traffic warden behaving like that to someone pushing a wheelchair and holding a dog on leash.

i simply did what he said and left the place. decided to simply keep quiet about it. 

i soon forgot about it. until yesterday...

hah...

rude traffic wardens

i was at the business park last afternoon and i had a bad experience with a traffic warden. it was the second experience and i decided to respond tit for tat. something that i would not have done normally had it not been for a previous experience (that i would blog later). here's what happened.

the business park behind my condo was only half-developed. that means the other half was still bare and made into a park complete with running routes, benches and pergolas. this part of the park thus became popular with residents living nearby on weekends. some would walk there, whereas some, drive. and there are also many (eg taxi drivers) who would simply drive there, park along the road and take an afternoon nap. the only issue is that becos it is meant to be developed as a business park, there are no parking facilities. and all the roads were painted with double yellow lines, which mean "no parking at all times". and becos of this, technically speaking, anyone who parks along the road would be guilty of breaking a rule, despite the fact that the place is vacant, deserted and has hardly any traffic. and this is where to problem arise...

i was at the park yesterday to wash my car. when i first arrived there, i saw a traffic warden doing his rounds on his motorbike. after chasing away a van, he parked his motorbike along the road and took a rest. i decided to drive to another part of the park to wash my car. when i was about done, he rode up to me and once within hearing distance, shouted at me and chided me for parking my vehicle there. "you know it is a double yellow line and you still park your car here! why?!" he shouted and demanded an answer. i knew i was in the wrong but that hostile opening line made me mad. i told him he should not have shouted at me even if i was in the wrong. as i was previously from the company doing this enforcement, i knew very well that he was supposed to greet people first. rudeness has never and will never be part of the service equation. he was taken aback by my counter-response and raise his voice further... he then dismount from his bike and his posture was one that looked like he's gonna book me. 

that energized me further. i knew there was nothing he could do to me. i had not verbally abused him. and i certainly was behaving within the boundaries of a reasonable people. i went on to lecture him about his attitude and how he had not done what the company had drilled into him. i know i am in the wrong, but with your rudeness, you have put yourself in the disadvantaged position. what's the first step of your sop? greet! good afternoon, sir. not shout at people. is this what you have been taught? is this how you behave? isn't customer focus part of your company core values? he gabra a little when he found out i was from the company... are you sure you are from my company? he started to sound a little destabilized. and he started to address me "sir". but he was clearly not satisfied. or more accurately, indignant. ok, i call you sir now, now move your car... he half-demanded. i told him i would move my car once i packed my stuff, as i went ahead to throw away the dirty water and move my stuff back into the car. he stood there and wanted me to pack up right away. i took my time. i was on the offensive. i will move once i pack my stuff, i said again. and if you will, please go away. he knew he had no way with me, and left. 

i called my ex-colleague managing this unit and gave feedback on his behaviour to them. and yup, he thanked me for it. he deserved it, my ex-colleague said.

sea of monster

watched percy jackson and the sea of monster last night.

another fantasy show. but i find this show a little less exciting compared to the last percy jackson (and the lightning thief). the set is so fake and i didn't take it too well to the many attempts to insert cheesy jokes into the show. the whole production felt very teenager-ish and unprofessional. then again, it's a break...

:-)

picture from www.fanpop.com

travel list...

time to update my travel-log... 

:-)

2013

may - philippines (clark)
jul - malaysia (kl)
aug - indonesia (jakarta)

2012

nil

2011

feb - malaysia (jb)

jun - malaysia (jb)

oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)

2010

may - malaysia (jb)

oct - indonesia (bintan)

nov - indonesia (jakarta)

dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009

jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)

jul - malaysia (malacca)

sep - malaysia (malacca)

nov - malaysia (jb)

2008

jun - thailand (phuket)

oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)

dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007

apr - malaysia (malacca)

apr - china (beijing)

jun - australia (perth)

aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)

aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)

dec - china (shanghai)

2006

apr - malaysia (kl)

jun - australia (sydney)

aug - thailand (bangkok)

sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)

oct - thailand (bangkok)

dec - china (hong kong)

2005

feb - thailand (bangkok)

mar - malaysia

may - thailand (bangkok)

jun - indonesia (bintan)

jul - indonesia (bintan)

sep - indonesia (bintan)

oct - malaysia (kl)

nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)

nov - indonesia (bintan)

dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004

feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)

mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)

jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)

dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003

jun - australia (sydney)

sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)

dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002

jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001

mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)

may - taiwan (whole)

may - malaysia

jul - states (san diego)

dec - malaysia

2000

jun - australia (sydney)

dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999

feb - indonesia (jember)

may - england (london, brighton)

jun - malaysia

oct - japan (tokyo)

1998

mar - malaysia

jun - malaysia

sep - new zealand (christchurch)

nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997

jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)

jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)

nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997

lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (almost every city/town you can think of, lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), philippines (metro manila, cabanatuan city) (1995), etc etc etc...

mortal instruments

watched mortal instruments city of bones last weekend.

good and nice movie and brought me away from the mundanes of the normal daily stress. i supposed this is part of what fantasy movies are about - to transport us to a make believe world where good is always triumphant over the bad. then again, bee didn't quite like this movie as it lacked the oomph, he said. below expectations, he grumbled. as for me, i was frankly a little disappointed when he said he booked this show as i thought he had booked percy jackson. turned out percy jackson had not been released yet. so... yup, walking into a cinema with no expectations, or better still, a little disappointment, was not so bad after all...

:-)

picture from schmoesknow.com

confirmation

this happened on the eve of my training trip when i was super busy assembling the training notes...

my boss called me to the meeting room and gave me my confirmation letter. was rather unexpected as my confirmation was not due till 1 oct. and he said he had recommended me for my confirmation ahead of my time given that i had exceeded all expectations and that i had delivered more than what they had asked for. he went on till tell me that he had recommended me for a promotion and to take over him within the next 6 months or when he leaves (whichever is earlier as he is a contracted staff)...

but here's the interesting part, the content of the confirmation letter read - congratulations la la la... there will be no change to your contract etc, but instead of a 1-month notice period, your notice period will now be 3 months!

sounds like a punishment?

lol!

good job!

am back finally from my 1-day overseas training trip. was superbly tiring and i must profess, such trips are getting more tiring as time passes. in another words, i am getting old! haha!

well, the day started early and ended very late for me. woke up at 3.30am, did my final packing and checks and got to the airport by 4.20am. checked in and since i have more than 12kg of notes and handouts, i had to check my luggage in... the trip to jakarta was rather uneventful. we arrived 6.30am local time (that was one hour behind singapore time) and had a quick breakfast as we waited for the driver to pick us up at 7.30am. it seemed like the airport has changed quite a bit since i was last there a few years ago. things seemed a little more organized and cleaner now. other than that, things has not changed much. the people are still as friendly, they have have the easy-going attitude and pace is still rather slow, positively speaking. but becos of this, i was faced with constant challenges throughout the day.

first, when i arrived at the training site, i realized the so called training room was a boardroom and there was hardly any space to organize the class! such a layout will not do for soft skills programs due to the many activities planned. but well... we had no choice, we adapted. secondly, although it was agreed that it would be a 7hr program and i has planned it to be so, things turned out even more challenging as the people were never punctual. 15min breaks turned into 45min breaks, and they took an hour for lunch instead of the half hour agreed... and to make things worst, the participants had a habit to leave the room quite often. it didn't help that even the organizers didn't control the participants but instead justify and gave excuses for their absence/ lateness! their bosses called them... that's the way things are here... she said. thankfully, i half had expected this to happen and had contingencies planned. i had to cut down on the briefing, cut down on the activities, and tell more stories instead, start once more than half the class turned up, focus on the key points, refer them to hand outs whenever needed, etc. it was a whole day of constant adaptations of the materials, program and the conduct... 

well, these are the constant challenges of trainers anywhere, but to have to do that through the day was no easy feat and seriously mentally draining. thankfully, despite all these challenges, the participants were highly attentive when they were there. the energy levels was high and there was a lot of laughter and fun. and the feel good factor was very high when we ended at 4.30pm. good job and i learned a lot too, my executive who accompanied me there said. well done! my boss texted when i updated him via sms that everything went smooth, we love it! we want more, everyone expressed. excellent program and wonderful experience but the training site could be seriously improved, a quick scan of the training evaluation feedback suggests. as a trainer, such feedback and feel good factor after the training encourage me and iterate that the things i do are relevant. 

it was a superbly long day and i was exhausted by the time we checked in at the jakarta airport. we arrived back in singapore at slightly past 10pm, after experiencing a 45min flight delay due to runway congestion at jakarta.

:-)

overseas trip

will be making a trip to jakarta on thursday to conduct training. decided to make it a day trip leaving singapore at 5-ish and returning late at night. my boss had suggested a 3-day 2-night trip but i don't think it's a good idea considering there are limited/ no options of housing my mum anywhere else.

so, the arrangement will be for sis to buy mum dinner and to bring the dog to pee. otherwise, for most time of the day, mum will be at the rehab center.

as of this morning, she is already showing signs of stress and anxiety despite assuring her that i will be back in the evening. let's see how things pan out these 2 days...

depression?

finding myself talking to my blog more than anyone else these days.

and i have no mood to talk to anyone.

or to do anything other than daily routines.

feeling the sense of losing control.

losing interest in lotsa things.

i suspect my depression is creeping back again.

and this time round, i feel alone and helpless...

emo day

feeling highly emo and pissed off today.

this has been happening for a while and every time i highlighted it, he would brush me off. i totally hated it when i was made to feel ignored and when my smses were not replied. added to that, whenever i call, the phone will never be able to get through as though it was switched off. and when i finally got through, no one picked up the call. and when the call was picked up finally, all I got was - i was working, or no leh, my phone was always on...

all these made me think of the last time when i was with james where he neglected me through and through. and i was also reminded of how he behaved when he was with his ex. i was simply not in existent. no priority. and linking these observations to the recent trip despite being unwell, the many text messages he gets when with me even late at nights, etc, i sometimes wonder if this is indeed the case. and i hate to compare but i was there and always tried to be there when he needed me. but where was he when i needed someone to lean on? or simply just to respond to me...

feeling very pissed. and when i voiced it out, all i got was a - aiyah, ok ok... and then he change topic. 

pissed! pissed! pissed!

siào!

the word "siào" in hokkien means crazy, or mad, and is used to refer to a person who is mentally off. it is often used in a derogatory sense, for example, when a person scolds another for doing things differently or when a person says things that he/ she doesn't agree with (regardless of whether it is logical or not). i have a high-level of aversion to this term since young. the very mention of this word would instantaneously raise my anger. an anger so intense that i would lose control of my emotions. something that is very unusual for me, a highly-introverted person. so, when people call me siào, i would end up quarreling with him/ her and without further reasoning, cut off my ties with that person and stop anymore contact with him/ her. that was how much aversion i have towards this term.

my aversion to this term can be traced to my mum. my mum went through a bad patch after marrying my dad back in 1956. during the first few years after her marriage, my dad left her, she had 2 miscarriages, my paternal grandma ill-treated her, etc, all becos she couldn't bear my grandparents any grandchildren. things did not get better even after my sis was born cos my grandma wanted sons. my mum suffered depression as a result and had to be put under lifelong medication by the mental hospital. since then, every single relatives on my paternal side would gossip about her, and jeer her, calling her "siào". and becos of the social stigma associated with this word, she suffered humiliation, on top of the ill-treatment, from people in her village (kampong) and the villages around paya lebar. that humiliation lasted through my younger years and many a times, when we encounter our relatives, i often overheard them gossiping behind her back that i have a mad mum. i have also heard some mention about the need to be careful and not aggravate her lest she turns into a mad bitch (siào kào bù). such words affected me badly and scarred me since young.

over time and with guidance from buddhism, i have learned to manage myself. these day, when people call me "siào", i would simply assume it is a case of frivolous use of words and ignore the person. when it comes to language, i am a traditional person at heart. and for that, i have over time drilled in me not to use terms loosely. i am careful with words, i say what i mean and i mean what i say. and if i am joking or using my language lightheartedly, i will make sure i make it known first lest i evoke unnecessary emotions. i do recognized that not everyone share the same values nor respect when it comes to language. i do rationalized that people these days do not place much importance nor second thoughts about words and often use it very frivolously. good examples of such words include terms like "idiot", "bitch", "fucker", "stupid", etc. added to this, i also constantly remind myself not to be too attached to myself. self-ego is not healthy and will evoke strong emotions. and with these in mind, i have learned to stop reacting dramatically to it. i'd pretend i didn't hear it, or at most, if i am comfortable with the person, i would share with him/ her about my aversion to this term. 

so... yeah, this is a little bit more about me...

ps: and oh, there is no equivalent chinese character in the chinese language for "siào" as far as i know. perhaps this is a hokkien term? hmmm...

weekend mood?

great start to weekend! woke up early, went to work early, have an early kopi-o... relak, relak sauntered into office at 8.30... then realized i had left my laptop in my car at home...

tgif!

gay adverts! love it!

ouch... the tagline... not gonna be good for the gay image, but hey, let's just take this advert superficially. after all, it is just an advert! and hmmm... if arm chairs are so yummy, who would need other furnitures in the house?!

haha!

:-)

going free(balling)...

the term "freeballing" refers to person who choose to not wear underwear. "freeballing" is also known as "going commando" to some people. and really... what's the big deal about not wearing underwear right? but no, apparently not. just do a google and you can find loads of people talking and discussing about it. amongst the people in the singapore gay community, it seemed to be a rather big deal not wearing underwear (especially amongst the younger lots of gay men). it's quite funny actually. and when you read the details, you can see people talking about it from the health angle, from the feel-good angle, from the moralistic angle (what the hell right?) etc... and comparing, i see lots of parallels between the arguments for and against "freeballing" to the whole concept of being a naturalist or a nudist. anyway.... this is not why i write this post.

the reason why write this is becos of what i see almost daily. you see, there is this indian couple in my estate. they are both in their 20s and they came from india (my assumption, judging from their accent and their behaviour). this couple moved in sometime last year and frequently take walks along the canal between my apartment and the business park. this canal runs beside an existing construction site and is rather deserted. at night, the whole place would be rather dim and a couple of bangladeshi construction site workers would hang around there chatting amongst themselves or using their handphones.

the thing about this couple is that the wife likes to walk around commado-style aka bra-less. and what makes her stands out very conspicuously is that her breasts bounce and swing like nobody business when she walks! and this is very obvious becos she is very very (yes, i emphasize the word - very) well-endowed up there (but not as disproportionately as dolly parton). one can describe them to be like overripe papayas. and they came complete with very pointed nipples that point through her thin cotton nightgown material (and she doesn't seem to change her nightgown)! certainly, they do remind me of cum-filled condoms enlarged a million times! ok, weird comparison, but what can you expect from a gay man right? haha, you get what i mean... and interestingly, they seemed pretty nonchalant about it as they stroll and chat. 

one evening 2 weeks back, as i was walking home from my evening runs at about 11pm, i saw her doing her evening stroll. it was kinda weird to be strolling at 11pm. and she was alone. again, she was in the same nightgown. and as usual, her breasts were swinging... and bouncing... and the whole area was dim. and there were construction workers... and my mind started racing as i walked... i started imagining things. will she be ok? will she be safe?...  ok, this post is getting no where. haha... i came home, forgot about the whole thing... until today.

come on. it's singapore.

but yeah... then again, i have not seen her since that evening...

hmmm...

:-)

perspectives...

half full? or half empty?

young? or old?

cute? or ugly?

light? or dark?

front? or back?

it's a matter of perspective. we decide what we see. we all have the choice.

and no, it is not self-deluding.

we just need to energize ourselves to see things from right perspective.

...

vertically challenged

gelling ones hair to look good is one thing but it brings gelling to a whole new level when one gels his long hair skywards in an attempt to mitigate his vertically challenged stature...

hmmm... ok, i am being bitchy... but really, this was what i saw this morning - someone who was no taller than 1.5-ish(?)m but has his hair gelled so high that his height ended up about 1.7m, and his face actually looked small in relation to his hair! and all these was made worst by the fact that his body was disproportionately longer than his legs.

haha!

bottoms & tops

think about this - the only times a pure bottom becomes top is when he pokes people in facebook. conversely, the only times a pure top becomes bottom is when he gets poked in facebook...

oooo, i am such a flex!

lol!

oooo... nose bleed!

i walked into office today and as i passed by the pantry, i noted a hunk in the pantry. he looks rather cute, a little lost, but he is ooooo... huge! his arms were as huge as the waist of a petite lady, he has a tall build, wears very fashionable colour co-ordinated business shirt and pants... and ooo, just look at his tight bubble butt!

ok, ok... you get the idea. i walked pass him, headed to my desk, and i decided i should head to the pantry to take a second look. of cos, as an excuse, i took my container along. to fill with water, that is. i walked into the pantry again and as i washed my container, i asked him if he was waiting for someone (hahaha... wasn't it obvious?) he turned around, looking a little disoriented, "blur" and surprised, he said he was waiting for the hr girl (my colleague) and quickly added that he was new and this was his first day at work. oooo, such a cute innocent response i thought. i smiled and told him she would arrive soon. and quickly, i extended my hand and introduced myself. his grip was firm and he introduced himself too... then again, with him gripping my hands, i totally didn't hear what he said. i simply welcomed him and walked out of the pantry. i decided i shouldn't stay too long and should just look like i had gone in to get water...

anyway, to cut the long story short... i wondered if he was gay. and i told some of my friends and bee about him. and i could sense their curiosity too. and once i got home, i did a facebook search using his name and... sighs... he is married, has a son and a daughter. 

nonetheless, his photos are so yummilicious!

i am such a slut!

:-)

becos of 7th month?

i am not sure if it is due to the 7th lunar month effect, but i seemed to get a lot of negativity around me these 2-3 weeks. and i have observed the same patterns of negativity every year during this period. could it be due to the negative energies surrounding this month - the period where taoists commemorate the month where hungry ghosts are released from hell and that they are free to roam the mortal world? 

over the last couple of weeks, things have been really terrible for me, bee and a couple of my friends. for bee, he has his fair share of family challenges. and i must admit that his constant sharing with me had somewhat affected me, thereby making my own stress at work and at home even more unbearable. all these made worst by his sudden decision to leave for a trip to bangkok with his friends. i was almost at the point of depression last week. added to that, i have a friend in e malaysia who has suicidal thoughts, and just as all these were happening, i get a mail from another friend telling me he slashed his wrist yesterday... lots of negativity around at this time.

and amidst all these negativity, i also have my mum. her mental condition has obviously deteriorated over the last couple of weeks. it didn't occur to me that all her recent issues were signs of her worsening condition until i thought about it this evening. for example, i have her being extra forgetful, doing things that she was supposed not to do (like washing her clothes), peeing all over the house, getting extra anxious over small small things, being extra suspicious, and her constant apologizing to me for no reasons, etc. i noted things were not right (totally off, in fact) this evening as we were watching the evening tv serial. here's how the conversation went:

mum (watching tv):  are the people in the tv real?

me:  of cos they are, if they are not, then it would likely be cartoons that we are watching...

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

a minute later...

mum:  you mean the people in the tv are real?

me (a little confused):  of cos they are, but they are actors who are acting out a story, but they are real people...

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

a while more later...

mum:  how can the people in the tv be real?

me (totally confused):  huh? what do you mean?

mum:  your dad asked me to watch tv with him through the night, so if the people in the tv are real, how come do they do not need to sleep?

me (hmmm, my dad died 5 years ago!):  oh, it's cos they had recorded the shows sometime back and played it on tv. 

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

some few seconds later...

mum:  if you say they are real, how do they get into the tv? for that matter, how do they get out of the tv? 

me (!!!):  oh, they are not in the tv per se. they are real people but the shows are recorded. so they do not really exist inside the tv. 

mum:  i don't know, i don't know...

i went for a jog after the show and after i let her to bed. i thought about this conversation and for a short moment, i wanted to cry. i knew then that i am losing my mum. a living person but no longer the same person. she is losing her mental capacities to dementia. then again, i knew this is the nature of things. i should not be crying. and with this thought, my desire to cry stopped. i have to learn to let her go. i should simply celebrate the fact that she has lived to this ripe old age. and i should instead help her ease into her sunset years... 

so... seventh lunar month?

hmmm...

goldar

this is really beyond everybody's time. but i remembered watching this on tv as a small kid!

:-)

i donno where to start!

after such a long break (last weekend), i went to office feeling totally lost.

in fact, when i walked in at 08:30am, which was the usual official start work time, only probably about 10% had arrived. everybody was still on holiday mood! that was my first thought... and everyone started to trickle in slowly after that. then again, the usual energies was not felt until today...

anyway, i walked into the office, headed to my desk, set-up my laptop, and i stared at the screen. for the few moments, i really didn't know where to start! haha... it was either a case of me clearing my mails daily and that i had no mails left to clear, or that i really didn't know where to start cos i had totally lost my inertia, or a combination of both!

and better still, my head came in at 8.45am and he looked equally lost! and as for my staff, she lagi more champion! she whatsapp-ed me at 7-ish in the morning and told me she had just landed from her trip to taiwan. and she added that she would be late as she needed to head home to drop her stuff first!

...

what's in her mind?

many a times i get frustrated and feel very abused emotionally by my own mum. and i always wonder what the fuck is in her mind. then again, i always tell myself she is a sick person and that i should not take things personal. but i do admit, although i often say i have gotten used to it, i have not. it still is very difficult for me when her paranoia strikes. and it happens every evening. it is simply impossible to ignore her regardless of how much one wants to do so. you know, saying to ignore is easy, but in real sense, you cannot do so for the following reasons - self-preservation, self-preservation and self-preservation! from my experience managing her for the last 2 years, i can tell you this - you cannot ignore her! even if you do once, you cannot do it twice, thrice, etc... the repetitiveness of it alone will irked even the most patient person! and if you ignore, you face the very real possibility of her going berserk. cos her paranoia will turn to anxiety, and then delusion sets in. and when all these happen, there will be so much more damage control to manage. so, you will have to learn to observe small tell tale signs of paranoia and to pre-empt your own response if you want to live sanely. the following is a classic example of what happens daily.

i come back from work, bring her out for dinner, shop a bit to engage her mentally, then return home, rest for a while and during this period, watch tv with her. and after the tv show ends, i would serve her her evening medication. and then i put her to bed. and it is only then that i can go out for a quick run or to exercise. and for my mum, that is when her paranoia starts. she will never fail to give me suspicious looks when she goes to bed and she'll forever ask - you wanna go out again is it? such questions, even if it is uttered in the most innocent manner, will create certain levels of emotional stress. for there were many instances previously where, after i leave the house for my short quick run, my sis would call me and asks me what happened. and when i queried further on why the question, she said mum called her and tell her that i have gone out to meet people to plan to kill her.

such events kept playing out over and over again. and once, with very carefully crafted and well thought through sentences, i asked her why she behaved like that. she said she doesn't like to be left alone. and i explained that if so, i could hire a maid or to look at other alternatives... all of which she vehemently rejected. hmmm... and i tried to reason with her. for me, if i do not run or exercise... i grow fat, i grow unhealthy, my back hurts, my health suffers, and at my age, there will be a risk of high blood pressure, heart attacks, diabetes, etc... and her response? won't one la. and then she would give me suspicious looks again. hmmm...

this evening was even more interesting, when i switched off the tv, the question came again - you wanna go out again is it? to which i replied - yup, i will be going for a short run, a quick one and i will be back. and she said sarcastically, you wanna go, you go lor... but don't run until tomorrow morning ok? hmmm... how am i gonna interpret that? i stated my displeasure at her sarcasm, to which she retorted - i thought you are a very good runner right? and i am just stating facts... i refused to respond to her further. all these came from nowhere. i certainly do not think i deserve any of such emotional abuse from her. especially when it can just appear out of no where...  

i retired to my room and locked my door.

she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... she is a sick person... 

mask

no better way than to end this horribly long break with an sk-ii mask. in fact, this box of mask was given to me by james (my ex) last year for my birthday. and i have not used it yet. or rather, the first person to take a piece to use it was bee. otherwise, all other pieces were still intact and unused...

until tonight! 

haha!

:-)

ps: taking a photo using my macbook air and leveraging on the light from my computer screen does indeed make me look a little scary. haha! i think the long break is making me a little cranky!

what the fish...

it's always nice to eat steamed fish. and that was what i cooked for dinner. haha. i have been so domesticated these days. or rather, with the so many days off, even having dinners out has become a challenge. and i find myself asking again and again what to eat, and where to go. so, in the end, might as well cook my own dinners! and it is probably more wholesome too! and so for today, i decided it would be steamed fish, complete with a whole lot of shitake mushrooms, and tomatos.

:-)

ingredients
1 medium to large size fish (here i use grouper, you can use sea bass or pomfret too)
10 large dried shitake mushrooms (soaked and sliced)
1-2 tomatos cut into quarters (or halves depending on your preference)
2 sliced red chilli
blue ginger cut into strips
4 large chopped garlic 
3-4 tablespoon of soya sauce
sprinkle of seasoning
half cup of water

method
place the sliced mushroom onto the plate
place the fish onto the mushroom (make a diagonal cut across the body so that it cook better)
place the sliced ginger, chilli and chopped garlic over the fish
sprinkle the seasoning and pour the soya sauce over the fish
add the water
place it over a wok of water and steam it for half hour

garnish with coriander leaves if you desire.

serve hot with fragrant jasmine rice.

enjoy!

breaking down...

oh, i am talking about my house (my condo unit). i bought it in 1996 when it was still in the design stage and have lived in it since 1998. 15 years in all. 

and after all these years, signs of old age are appearing. things are breaking apart and getting spoilt. for examples, the air-con units are working weird, the air-con louvre has stopped moving, the water heater has stopped working (i bathe with cold water now), the carpentry, kitchen cabinets, and build-in wardrobes are all showing signs of warping, the parquet flooring is also showing signs of water seepage and fungal growth, and worst of all, the marble flooring has also started to "pop up". but well, all these happened gradually over the last 5 years or so. and other than the marble tiles "popping up" recently, there has been no major surprises per se. and of cos, to the untrained and un-noticing eyes, everything still look pretty ok.

i think i can still hold on to these for at least 3-5 years. probably need not carry out any major renovations for now. one consideration is my dog. i think she'll probably go by then, based on the typical 15-18 years lifespan of a mongrel. to subject her to a new environment with new smells would be too stressful to her if i were to do any renovation now. not a nice thing to do to an old 13-year old dog! not to mention of cos, that after the renovation, things will end up getting scratched by her! and also, my mum... to have her move out temporarily and having things all messed up during the renovation would probably be a tat too stressful for her. so... yup. kiv all renovations for now.

haha... 

then again, the bigger question would probably be - should i sell this unit and buy another one?

hmmm...

finally...

sunday is finally here. and the long long weekend is finally coming to an end. to a certain extend, i look forward to working again tomorrow. the long break is killing me. yet, on the other hand, in this few days, i have gotten used to a slightly different routine. sleeping later than usual, doing houseworks, cooking dinners, etc... very domesticated. and of cos, a lot of other small things that i usually would not have time to do, like spending one whole day and night backing-up my photos in my computer... all 10200 of them.

:-)

home cooked food

decided to cook dinner this evening. 

chicken wings and champignon soup. very easy dish. mum's favourite. fried some vegetables with prawns and fried an egg for each of us. and of cos, with lots of sambal belachan to go with the chicken wings!

nice, easy, wholesome dinner.

yumzzz!

oh, the recipe for the chicken wing champignon soup is as follows:

ingredients
8 chicken wings
1 large can of champignon (drained and washed)
salt to taste

method
throw in everything into the container
(you can either have the champignon whole or sliced)
fill with 2 litres of water
bring to boil
lower heat and stew for 45min
add salt to taste

add some cilantro (coriander leaves) aka 芫荽 yan sui (wan swee) as garnishing if you desire.

serve by itself or with rice!

enjoy!

5th anniversary

i initially typed "happy 5th anniversary" for the blog title...

then i thought again and felt it was very wrong. and i deleted the word "happy".

well... 10 aug 2013 is dad's 5th death anniversary.

time flies indeed.

new york city vs london

in a recent blog entry, willie reflected about how new york city, despite all the energies and vibrance, did not enchant him as much as london did. i thought about my own trips and agreed with his musings. 

my first visit to new york city was in early-2001 if i recall correctly. at that time, i was with sia cargo. but i cannot really count that as a visit cos it was a business trip and other than official meetings, i did not have any time to visit the city. but what the locals (whom i interacted with during my meetings) told me shaped my views about new york city. never go out alone, do not go to dark places, don't even try to visit bronx, be very careful with your personal belonging, and for that matter, your life. these were the advices given to me by almost every person i met. scary i thought. my "real" visits to new york city occurred in 2004. they were borne of necessity cos i had to evacuate myself from tampa city, florida due to hurricanes. it was easy to know new york city. with its grid-like road networks, the initial feeling of lost and disorientation quickly dissipated once i got hold of a map. i spend a whole lot of time soaking in the busy street lights, window-shopping, people-watching, visited the (in)famous east village, checked out the night scenes, the gay bars, the sleazy gay shows, and savoured every possible tourist attractions associated with new york city. and as i was alone during the trips, boredom quickly set in. the desire to visit places disappeared very quickly. there was just so much one can do when alone. and thinking back, the fondest memories of new york city was not the neon lights or the parties, rather, it was the central park and the museums. well, not any museum - it was the metropolitan museum of art. then again, these experiences seemed rather shallow to me now. apart from the lights and the vibrance, i still do not really know what the real new york city is. even the exhibits in the museum were from ancient cities of rome, of old egyptian empires, etc. there was really nothing about new york city. to this day, my perception of new york city continued to be one that is shaped by pop culture and the likes. yes, think king kong, empire state building...

comparatively, i felt very different about london. my first visit there was in 1999. there is really nothing one can complain about london other than the perpetually dark and gloomy skies. then again, it added to the character of the city. i was reminded of eliza doolittle, my fair lady. i imagined how things were like in old london, the old covent garden market, west end, etc. and it was so charming and meaningful to be able to visit buckingham palace, kensington palace, etc etc etc... this, after all, is the land of kings and queens. the history was just so rich. and it gives the city the character and adds to the magic of the place.

if i were to make a comparison in a nutshell, i would describe new york city as a teenager. happening, full of energy, full of vibrance, a city that never sleeps (and when it does, it does so discreetly in a corner). and as for london, she is like a mature person, very charming, full of character, very rooted, yet it has its own unique energies.

:-)

top photo from www.scps.nyu.edu, second photo from thesmokyapple.wordpress.com, third picture from www.thecattylife.com

pouting

i have been pouting these days.

it is a super super long weekend and most of my friends have gone overseas. even my colleagues in my company. for that matter, in the 4 months i have been with my current company, my other 2 teams members comprising my head and my staff, would be going for their own second holiday this long break. and to make even more damaging for me mentally, they both applied leave on wednesday (so, yes, i held the fort on thursday alone). and as for me, i am stuck here in country. and i not able to do what i want as i have my obligations towards my mum. and to make things a little more challenging,  she's not feeling too well and has mood swings easily. and i told myself it's ok, i will at least be able to spend time with people really close to me and to catch up. or even if i don't spend time with them, at least their presence would be a morale boost for me. and then bee told me he needs his break. and off he went to bangkok with his friends. very last minute. i can understand where he is coming from given his current challenges, but i find it extremely hard for myself.

this long break and not being able to run away adds to the sense of being jailed, of having time but feeling trapped, not alone but lonely... and all these compounded by the negative thoughts national days bring to me. adding all up, they can be overwhelmingly depressing. i find myself keeping to myself even more (ironically). and to prevent my downward spiral, i have to constantly remind myself that it is all in my mind. i cannot compare, i must try to see the positive side to things. i have to try to think of things to do. and to do all of them with my mum... so i brought her and the dog to pay respect to my dad yesterday. today, i shall bring them out for a picnic. tomorrow, perhaps go to a theme park or something... i supposed i need to keep myself occupied and not think too much about my need for a break from my mum. i guess for people who have not gone through the responsibilities of being a primary caregiver will never comprehend. 

i need respite time.

(and i am using my blog to vent and not to seek any pity. if you want to give supportive comments, i am most appreciative. otherwise, give me my space. i am not in a mood to be lectured)

match.com

bloody hell... i have been getting daily spams from match.com.

and all the spam mails suggest lists of possible matches that i would supposedly be interested in. i have ignored these spam mails for the longest ever until last month where i was sufficiently curious to check out one of the match.com spam mail... and guess what? all the matches were of elderly men in their 80s to 90s. wtf! then again, it was quite funny. for a while, it made me wonder how they know i am gay. but on the other hand, i wondered if i should feel insulted by their lists of recommendations. i tried to unsubscribe the spam mail but was prompted to login to change the frequency of updates. and that put me off for i have never created any account with them in the first place. 

but i finally did so today. i decided that enough is enough. and i found out that someone had used my email to subscribe to match.com. after some tries, i managed to get a password and login. and the profile i saw was that of a 80-plus year old white woman from united states. hmmm... no wonder all the men match i got were in their 80s to 90s. heh... i tried to delete the account but it was almost impossible cos despite being an established site, it was just not possible to find the link to delete an account. and so i did the next best thing. i tried to delete my email address from the profile setting. i failed. it didn't allow me to do that. and so, i did the last thing possible. i changed the email address to something i myself didn't recognize. and i saved it and got out of the site.

let's hope the email account i typed in does not belong to anybody...

good riddance.

national day

national days mean a whole lot of different things to me after 2005... 

it reminds me about how the military organization i served for more than half my life turned against me becos of my sexuality, and how i vowed never again to recite the national pledge... i have never watch any more national day parades since then. 

and lastly, it reminded me of my dad's passing in 2008.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri

once again it is raya! 

here's wishing my muslim friends a very happy and joyous raya!

:-)

picture from ledzworld.com

5th anniversary

it would be dad's 5th death anniversary in 2 day's time.

had almost forgotten about it until this morning when i casually spoke about going to the columbarium to pay respects to him.

time flies.

picture from www.flowers-magzine.com

breakfast

i brought mum out for breakfast today.

my spine was totally off today and it was very uncomfortable. such discomfort occurs whenever i miss my routine work-out for more a couple of days, and i had not had a good work out for a couple of days. i had wanted to have a good work out last evening when after a call, my mum went bonkers and i decided to call it off.

as i drove mum out for breakfast, i fidgeted quite a bit in the car and let off a couple of sighs. it was very uncomfortable. mum was extra sensitive and asked why i sighed. i told her about the pain and about how i had missed my workout. once again, she became defensive and said she did not stop me. and after that her mood changed. she became quiet. 

throughout breakfast, she pulled a long face. and she did not want to talk. when i asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner, she said i should just buy her bread and that i should not bother to cook for her. it was obvious she was emo-ing. i didn't respond to her mood-swing but simply walk her around the market. we walked pass the joss paper shop and i casually asked if she wanted to head to the columbarium to pay respects to my late dad. that brightened her up. she agreed right away. suddenly she was so full of energy and asked me to buy lots of stuff such as offerings for the gods, for dad, for my grandparents etc...

well, for now, she seemed ok. let's hope her moods are maintained.

he called...

was sitting with mum yesterday at the tv watching the evening serial as usual. and i was playing games on my iphone. and bee called. as i was playing my game, i automatically tapped on the answer and his voice came through. i can't talk i said. and he hung up immediately.

mum looked at me. and immediately, she asked if bee called. i brushed it off and said it was an overseas call. i was not lying. and she repeated asking. he called right? i could hear his voice. it was so loud. she half demanded to know. i didn't answer. and after that i could see her whole person changed. it was almost an instant change in personality. the tv show ended 5min later. after giving her her medication, she didn't move from the sofa as she usually would.

i asked her to retire to bed and reminded her to wash her dentures before that. she asked if i was going out, to which i answered i would be going for my routine evening runs. she kept quiet and proceeded to bed. and she tossed and turned. i asked her why she didn't sleep. she said she was not sleepy and said every evening i would return very very late when i went out for my runs (which was not true). i denied it. it was obvious she was not her usual self.

i decided not to leave the house last night in the end.

it was such incidents that create mental tensions for me. 

emotional stress.

sighs

bee went off with his friends to bangkok for holiday over this long weekend. a last minute arrangement...

mannerism...

after mum got discharged from the hospital today, i brought her to the hawker center for lunch (frankly, it was her second lunch, but well... what the heck, she could do with some fresh air)... i was queuing up for food for mum when i saw a familiar face. there was this feisty-looking elderly lady, in her 70s i guess, but still cheery and energetic. she had just bought her lunch and had made her way back to the table where all her (elderly) friends were. this lady looked like miss ang, i told myself. 

miss ang lay sian was my primary 5 form teacher when i attended telok kurau east school back in 1978. vaguely, i recalled her teaching me english and science. other than that, all i could recall of her was when she invited the class to visit her house in tanjong katong. it was during the school holidays. and as a pre-school holiday assignment, we were supposed to write a letter to her. i still recalled my second sister helping me with writing miss ang's address on the envelop. there were 3 possible ways to write an address block, she told me. one could either align all the sentences to the left (left justification), to the center (center justification), or to start the next line a little more to the right, and the next line, and the next line... such that the whole address block would look like it is slanting to the left, i was told. anyway, the task given to us was to send her either a letter or a post card. and we had to do it by a certain time. miss ang then invited us to her house in the middle of the holiday so that she could debrief us about our first efforts in sending letters. heh heh...

ok, i have digressed... back to this morning. after giving mum her lunch, i walked up to the elderly lady and asked if she was indeed miss ang. she confirmed she was... it was a really nice surprise. well... we spoke for a while, her first reaction after i introduced myself was - oh, in that case, you must have also known mrs xxxx chan (i couldn't really hear which mrs chan, but as i was rather excited, i simply nodded my head)... well, we just came from her funeral... oh dear...

well, we spoke for a while. initially it seemed she couldn't recall who i was, but as we spoke, she exclaimed, ahhhh... i remember! you attended tjc, as she pointed to the junior college nearby. yes i said! and she added... i remember, i remember, and your mannerism has not changed all these years!... haha... we continued talking in general, about where she stays now, about what i am doing etc. and i got her contact number so that i can still keep contact with her. soon enough, i excused myself and went ahead with my lunch. 

but now, thinking back, i really wondered what she meant when she said she remembered my mannerism...

hmmm...

:-)

skippity skip...

some years back (must have been a decade or more...), i gave a call to my secondary school science teacher. when i called her, she was already in her late-50s, early-50s. i called her to wish her happy teacher's day, and to tell her that i remembered her, and to thank her for giving her best when she taught us science. i could do so cos in those days, there was no mobile phones and the singapore phone directory still publish people's home phone numbers... 

i couldn't recall the whole conversation except that we spoke for quite a long while. and we reminisce about the secondary school days. it was an interesting and very warm conversation. i couldn't really recall all the details of the conversation except that she said i used to skip and bounce around back then. she shared that as a secondary 2 kid, i was rather well-known amongst the teachers at that time to be a kid who was playful yet serious (about my studies), about being well-known for behaving well... and most funnily, that i was known to skip from point-to-point, that is, i didn't walk like normal kids, i skip! haha... and she related how surprised she was, to see me actually walking and in a very deliberate and down-to-earth manner, when i returned to school one day a few years after graduation.

that particular remark stuck onto my head. till today, i still treasure those interesting and carefree secondary school days!

:-)

picture from www.stiltwalkers.co.uk

mum's hospitalised

mum was hospitalised on thursday and got discharged today.

well, what happened was, i took half day off on thursday to collect mum's medication from the mental institute (for her dementia). and at the clinic, i got a call from mum's rehab center staff telling me she refused to go for rehab. she said she wanted to see the doctor...

i rushed home, brought her to the hospital and she was warded immediately. breathlessness. and her hospitalisation couldn't have come at a better time. you see, i was so worried about how to manage her cos i had to work on saturday. and i was dead worried that my change in routine would affect her. and when the hospital called me up on friday telling me she could be discharged on saturday, i requested for them to allow her to stay for one more day. i rationalized it would be nice if she could stay there one more day and to allow the nurses to take care of her. and as for me, i do really need this respite from her. the doctor that spoke with me understood my request and arranged it accordingly.

and so, i managed to have my mental break during these 2 days. and when she was in there, bee took the opportunity to stay over and spend some time with me.

:-)