f-up service

the following are some examples of bad service i had experienced not too long ago (except the first one that occurred years ago). i have not returned to the stores since...

• char kway teow @ marine terrace... there's this char kway teow store at marine terrace block 59 coffee shop. quite a popular store actually. and one day, my mum went there to buy char kway teow. and as usual she asked for the person not to add tau gay (bean sprouts). the man growled at her and screamed out loud "you want to eat, you eat, don't ask for no tau gay..." that was the last  time we went to that store.

• vegetarian food @ simei coffee shop... my mum frequently gets into tantrums and emotional. and whenever she does so, she would swear off meat. that happened as recently as last month. and when this happened, i have to either cook vegetarian meals for her or buy food from vegetarian mixed rice stores. one such store is located at the simei coffee shop by the simei mrt station. the food was not very nice, but eat-able. now, there are 3 different ladies attending the store. let's call them apple (a mandarin-speaking filipino?), banana (a rotund often glum-looking auntie) and chiku (a calculative and very quarrelsome prc?). on the first few days, apple sold me $5 for 2 person's worth of dishes (that comprise 2 different types of vegetables/ tofu). subsequently, banana sold me $2 for 1 person's worth of dishes (that comprise 3 different types of vegetables/ tofu). and this went on for quite a while. while i noticed the differences in the selling price, i did not ask further. after all, the differences was not significant. but sometime later, chiku came along. i ordered the same as per usual - 3 vegetables/ tofu for 1 person. first she said, "no you cannot do that, we don't sell 3 vegetable for 1 person." when i said that was what i got usually, she gave me this screwed up look and told me rudely "if you want to get 1 person's worth, you must minimally pay $3.50, else i won't do for you. also, it is applicable only for 'common' vegetables. if you want to get tofu, it is charged separately at $2.50!" of cos i was not pleased and asked how come 3 persons sell the dishes at different prices. she retorted loudly, "you want you get, my boss set the price, not me." and i protested, i mentioned that i had just purchased 3 vegetables from banana for $2 the day earlier. banana was there and she kept quiet. chiku was obviously unhappy with my protest and said, "no way, that kind of price is long long time ago. ok, ok, since you say so and you insist, only for now, i will charge you $2. next time you come, i will charge you $3.50." damned, this was a quick way to accuse your customers of lying, in order to justify your overcharging! bloody hell! no more next time, i said and i left.

• chock (cantonese porridge) @ bedok south ave 1... there is this store at bedok south ave 1 market (opposite temasek junior college) that sells cantonese porridge. it has been there since early-80s. the owner of the store is a second generation hawker has a prc(?) wife. bee and i would frequent that store on weekends for their pork porridge. usually, they would serve the porridge to us, regardless of where we sit. but of cos, out of consideration, we would not sit too far away. couple of weeks ago, i decided to have porridge and made an order with the wife. i told her i would be seated somewhere near the coffee store as usual. and quite unexpectedly, she raised her voice at me "you want you take yourself, you sit so far away i won't be able to bring to you!!!" my face turned black on the spot. the husband, noticing my changed in expression, quickly asked her "what does this uncle want? i will cook for him right away." i took the porridge, paid her and walked off. i have not returned since. 

• mixed rice @ simei... there is this mixed rice store at simei estate coffee shop (not the same one as the above but at the same block). that store is also one that i frequent for mixed chup suey rice. couple of days back, i had cooked some dishes and decided to get ready cooked white rice instead of cooking it. i arrived at the store and noted that they are ready to sell, rice and dishes. and i politely asked the lady attendant "auntie, can i have one pack of cooked rice please?" the lady looked at me, gave me a one helluva dirty look and asked loudly, you want rice with dishes or just plain rice? i told her i just wanted rice and she replied "you want rice with dishes, i pack for you now, you want rice, you wait ok?" ehhhh... auntie, no need already. i walked off, i came home, and i cooked my rice.

you know, i find it bloody irksome to have people rendering such screwed up service and worst of all, they are in the service line. while i understand that at times, they do have constraints, i cannot accept it when they behave rudely to their customers. if they cannot speak nicely and respectfully, then they can forget about having customers return to them. as far as i am concerned, if your service is excellent, even if your food is a little less than good, i will still go back to you.

bottom bear!

omg... this is so hilarious. then again, very nice dance moves... 

and hmmm, his moves make him come across as so bottom!

ok, ok me and my stereotype thinking again!

sorry...

come on, he's gay!

sighs... halfway through, i was telling myself, come on woman, stop slutting in front of this guy! he's so gay... some woman (like this one) can be just so duh!

haha!

sai-koon...

all of us have, at some point in our life, experienced that kinda feeling where we were caught in the situation where we were rushing to find a toilet... and our stomach were churning and growling like there's no tomorrow. and whenever it growls and churns, the feeling can be so so so so bloody uncomfortable. you know, the kinda feeling where your stomach is painful like hell, and yet you have to try your very hardest to force constrict your desperate asshole. and occasionally, the asshole seemed to have a mind of its own and where the feeling of the sphincter giving way is so real and so near. well, in the english language, there is no one phrase or word that actually describe this feeling. but in the hokkien language, we call it "sai koon" or translated literally to "shit boiling". haha!

i had that feeling whenever i have cold soya milk, you char kuih (fried fritters) for breakfast, and downing everything with a glass of piping hot coffee black. yup, cold + white and hot + black is one hell of super duper potent but for the taste, well, i supposed it is worth it. heh heh. and that was what i felt yesterday after breakfast. and it was a super solid omg one for that matter. i had just down my last mouthful of food and i felt my stomach growling. oh oh this is a little too fast right? i thought, i better get home soon. and off i went. when i started my car, the growling and the churning came on. ouch ouch ouch. control control control. mind over body. mind over body. i chanted to myself in my head. and after a super solid painful tummy ache, the wave of contraction passed. whew... i continued driving. less than 2 minutes later, the contraction came again... aiyoh... macam going to give birth! control control control... and the contractions went off again. i could even hear the bubbles churning in my tummy. and darn! before i could count to 10, the churning started again! arghhhh! why was it that traffic lights always turn red when the churning starts! damned! and before i knew it... the %*%^(*^%$%^%& construction worker had to halt traffic to let construction vehicles enter the road from the worksite! of all times! arghhh! although the distance from market home was the same, the drive home yesterday felt forever! 

and when i finally arrived at my condominium, of all times, there was a visitor and the security guard had to stop the car for a security check! wahhhh... shit coming out already! damned damned damned! i didn't even double check if i parked my car straight or if i had locked my car. i just ran to the lift, press the lift and held on to my stomach. growl growl growl it went. and i rush to my door and then to my toilet. sapphie was so excited yet confused as to why i did not pat her when i entered the house. i just ran, and as i ran, i stripped off my pants and as i did all these, i was desperately trying to stop the shit from exploding! hahahaha!

and finally, i sat on the throne and...

the feeling was simply - priceless!

whew!

picture from http://www.naturalremedies.org/diarrhoea/

cock-rings

have been experimenting with cock rings over the past year and wow! what an experience! haha... well, i shan't go into the details. just suffice to say that the whole experience of getting it and trying it was kinda interesting. and it was kinda funny too cos the first c-ring i got was actually a gift from veggythomas. you see, we met up one evening for dinner and as we were kinda bored and has nothing much to do, we decided to drop by the local man's adult shop. i told him about my intention to get a c-ring and since he was paying for a t-shirt, he decided to buy the c-ring for me too! how nice of him right? it was kinda funny cos on one hand, for virgin buyers like us, we acted cool macam (malay for "like as though") we were the most seasoned c-ring users! and of cos the sales assistant there was so very nice to take out the display one by one to let us feel it. ok, not use it, and certainly not help me try it on (as what some people said the assistants would do). lol!

ok, back to the c-ring. i was really amazed at the amount of stunts one can do to the family jewel. one can wear it around the head, around the base, around the balls, all over, and so on. there are just so many ways to strangle it! poor boy! borned to be used and abused by its own master! haha! and wooohhh! the varieties of rings one can find to fit the family jewel is just so so so bloody wide! there are those "normal" conventional ones (ring-shaped of cos), but they do come with different materials, such as silicone, rubber, metal, porcelain, etc, different colours, tear drop types, those that goes around the cock and the balls, and even those novelty ones such as those with bristles, with a cock (as in a real bird-cock), with vibrators, and so on! and yup, they can be really expensive too. so...

but of course, from what i read (and i can attest to it from personal experience), most people purchase it for the experience and the fun of it. the whole thought behind using it, the kinky feel, etc. it just makes the orgasm a lot more intense. but after sometime, once the novelty dies down, most people just stop using it and simply keep the c-ring away. and of cos, there are also people who wear it simply to help them look bigger, that is, to enhance the look of their bulge down there. i personally know of a friend who use it when he tans at the pool. the c-ring simply help to hold up their balls and cock and make their bulge look, well, larger. and of cos, there are also those who cruise at the pool toilet and put on the c-ring to have a more solid arousal in their attempts to entice other gaymen to join them in the cubicles. yup, me speaking from personal experience, and i thought it was quite a turn off! ok, back to topic. to make things easier, there are even underwear and swimwear that comes with a c-ring in it. so convenient right? above all, some people simply love the feel of having a ring around it (please go ahead and define the it as you like, ha!) but of course, the bottom line is, everyone who wears or uses a c-ring has his reasons for doing so.

ok, shan't go into specifics here. if you are keen on using c-rings, there are lots of literature and picture on c-rings and the associated assets. heh. just need to google it and you can like spend hours after hours going through them. but some words of advice here.

• to determine the size you need, do a youtube google. there are materials there that can show you how to measure the circumference that suits you.
• also, try a size up/ down to find a fit that best suits you. c-rings are meant to fit. the thinking that the tighter it is, the more intense the orgasm is not true. if it is too tight, you will feel very uncomfortable. you even face the danger of killing it (yes, killing it)! but on the other hand, if you get one that is too loose, you lose all the effects of wearing a c-ring.
• for a start, experiment with silicone or rubber ones. silicone and rubber ones gives you the advantage of being stretchable and if it is too tight, and you feel extremely uncomfortable, you can easily cut it off, something that you cannot do with a metallic one.
• once you are sure of the size that you are comfortable with, you can then go on to try more advanced versions such as metallic ones. alternatively, there are the newer more advanced metallic versions that allow you to adjust the tightness, but be ready to pay a hefty sum for it...

:-)

top picture from http://www.painfulpleasures.com, middle picture from http://www.bealeatherman.com, bottom picture from http://www.culturelabel.com

dynamic template

was playing around with the different templates in my iphone last night as i lay in bed. and next thing i knew, i clicked onto and applied the dynamic template onto my blog. sighs... i was just too tired and lazy to go through the whole process of switching on my macbook air to change back the settings. afterall, i had customized quite a bit of the font size, color, etc and decided i should just leave it till today to sort things out.

and this morning, a couple of friends whatsapp me asking why i did major overhaul to my blog and how was it that they could no longer read the comments, read the full post, see the photos etc etc etc. heh heh... had to explain to them the whole story. anyway, finally got things sorted out by afternoon. back to normal again...

and hmmm, i noticed that my viewership hits more than doubled when i used the dynamic template. i guessed it is a case of the dynamic template that automatically load multiple posts at a time when someone clicks on the blog. so... suddenly i have close to 800 views per day for yesterday. first time wor...

heh heh...

aiyeer what happened...

last week, my brother dropped by my place and the first thing he exclaimed when he saw sapphie was "aiyieerrr... what happened to her face? how come her face lid dat!?!?!" for a moment, i didn't understand. and i asked what he meant... and he said "how come her face so white?" haha... he hasn't seen sapphie since 3-4 years ago. and in these 3-4 years, she had quite a few things happened to her... for a start, her ears had drooped, her facial fur has turned white and she now looks a lot older.

yes, a dog can actually grow old. i think he realized that now.

haha... 

3-4some relationships

as i get old(er), i will increasingly get into a 3some (or 3-way as some calls it) relationship. that is, i, with me and myself. oh, hmmm, ahhh or perhaps more accurately, a 4some (4-way) relationship - and my penis (heh! i thought hard about what politically correct word to use but decided to call a penis a penis)!

well ok, this post is a short reflection following germs' post about we gay persons having a higher chance of feeling lonesome when we get older. superficially, it does seemed "rather expected" for us gay persons to feel so. but thinking deeper, i think it is a growing older thing rather than a gay-or-straight thing. after all, one person in all relationship is bound to die earlier than the other. right? but yeah, i supposed for gay persons, it would be a little more daunting given the added dimension of non-acceptance and/ or discrimination at the societal-level. right? hmmm...

then again, when i think about it, i pondered what the real reasons could be behind this state of loneliness. firstly, is it real or is it perceived? and if it is real, is it due to sex (or an absence of it)? or due to companionship? also, could it be a state of mind? or what other reasons could it be? i am quite sure it cannot be sex right? at that age, sex would probably be the last thing on any persons mind. and i can say that cos frankly, even at my age now (mid-40s), i can already attest the fact that the sex now is certainly not as frequent nor "violent" as the years past! haha! so, projecting forward, i am quite sure it will increasingly diminish further in its importance, frequency and intensity. hence, my starting statement that i will increasingly get into a 3-4some relationship with myself! haha!

ok, before i end up just ranting non-stop and going in circles, my take is that how lonely one feels is a function of how much he or she loves himself/ herself and accepts himself/ herself now. for if we cannot reconcile things within ourselves, we will probably end up getting into the habit of blaming everyone about everything. and when that happens, we will be living our lives in the worst possible way - feeling lonely, even when we are amongst crowds.

agree?

talking to potential boyfriends

i received a whatsapp message from natkean last evening. and he told me he was heading for an interview and was having cold feet. well, really, over the phone, it was kinda difficult to give advice about how to carry oneself during interviews... and so i wrote:

"talk and carry yourself like as though you are talking to a potential boyfriend"

and i gave a quick run through of the similarities between an interviewer and a potential boyfriend.

do you agree?

:-)

interesting name

i met up with an ex-colleague for lunch this week and while she went to get her food, i looked around the food court. and what caught my eye was the name on the little security pass of this person sitting beside me... he had an interesting name. probably weird-sounding to some, and certainly from a certain perspective, rather inauspicious too (at least to me). the name was "paragone loh". ok, shan't talk nor comment too much about it here. afterall, it is not very nice to make comments about people's name. but certainly, with such a unique and interesting name, it would be difficult not to remember this name...

and have you come across any interesting names? wanna share?

:-)

cny celebrations

today, i brought my mum to the elderly rehab center chinese new year celebrations. and it was quite an interesting event. the celebrations was held at the headquarters of an insurance company. for that matter, it was organized and sponsored by this particular insurance company as part of its corporate social initiative. what happened was that since early this month, the elderly rehab center contacted us to check if we were keen to attend. as for me, the center manager called me up personally to invite me. of cos i agreed. and we were reminded to dress as nicely as possible. and so i drove my mum to the location this evening. here's what happened and my thoughts about it...

when we first arrived, i was pleasantly surprised to see all the center staff dressed and decked up to the nines in chinese traditional wears, especially so when most of the center staff are malays. i must say they were so sporting! and it was nice to see them dressed up compared to their usual center t-shirt and jeans attire. the center manager wore a long cheongsam-cut dress that has beautifully hand-embroidered chinese mandarin ducks and flowers, matching long pants and guess what, a matching tudung too! as for the malay male assistants, they wore silk chinese top (macam those made famous by those movies with hong kong triads). so nice of them. and the mood that was created was very festive, very cross-cultural. very nice indeed.

we were treated to a spread of nice buffet dinner once we arrived. interestingly, while it was hosted by the insurance company, not a single insurance company staff was allocated to host us at our tables. and so, it became some sort of an elderly home dinner with the elderly guests talking amongst themselves. as for the insurance company staff, all of them were dressed in black t-shirts and they were either acting busy, talking amongst themselves or serving us food. in fact, some went as far as serving us food and then coming back to serve us drinks and to top up our drinks. think they were really too free. haha. yup, a host-but-not-a-host kinda occasion.

regrettably, at some point, the staff made us feel like we were props for their agenda. you see, from the time we arrived to the time we left, there were quite a number of their staff walking around busy taking photos/ video-taping with their ipads. come to think of it, it seemed like these people were more enthusiastic about taking photos and video-taping. and during the dinner, we kept hearing them mention that this is for their company website. hmmm. combined with their seemingly less than enthusiastic "hosting", it almost felt like they were merely putting up a show. then again, let's not think too much, let's just enjoy the fact that they actually hosted us.

and of course, dinner would be incomplete without a performance. they had their staff singing chinese new year songs, they invited school children to perform some chinese drum performance, a chinese dance, a wushu demonstration, and so on.  and given that the event was self-hosted rather than staged and managed by professionals, the whole feel was rather impromptu and un-co-ordinated. but of cos, i am not complaining. rather, i find this rawness contributed to the overall warmth and charm of the event.

all-in-all, i would say it was an interesting event. regardless of the agenda of the various stakeholders, i thought everyone enjoyed it. 

running achievement!

well, frankly when i wrote about the need to lead a healthy lifestyle at the start of the year, i did not dare to impose on myself a target. after all, targets once set will create a certain level of stress on me and i think it is something i can really do without now - considering all the other stressors that i am currently facing. anyway, i have kept on my running momentum since i started running mid-dec. and quietly, although i did not impose any explicit target, i told myself i should try to minimally do a 10km run one day. before the year closes, that is. and guess what?!?! i did it yesterday! heh heh... i took things slow and steady by running no more than 2km. and over time (every alternate days), i increased it to 2.2, 2.6, 2.7, 3, 5, 8 etc... and finally 10km. and of course i did it slow and steady. 7:09min/ km kinda pace...

so! it felt so good to have done it. the last time i did such a distance non-stop was probably more than 10 years ago! heh... well, i am not about to overkill myself with runs now. i think it is time to slow things down. back to the 2-5km kinda distance every alternate days for the next couple of weeks before i start to pick it up again. hurray for me, for now!

ps: now, my legs aches like crazy, but somehow, the aches felt really good! 

中文 & i

in recent times, i occasionally faced the challenge of using the chinese language at work. but i could brush it off quite easily as the business dealings in my previous company with mainland chinese were quite limited, at least in my domain of work. nonetheless, i think i should improve myself in this aspect. i cannot assume i will not need to use it in future. for a start, i now try to increase using chinese when i interact with my friends via whatsapp. and lately, there were quite a few occasions where i felt using chinese characters could better bring across my messages. and interestingly, i also find myself pausing very regularly when composing my messages as i was unsure of quite a few (actually, quite a lot of) characters. i mean, i could speak off-the-cuff quite easily, especially when i am relax and at home with the person i interact with, but it is a whole new thing altogether when it comes to composing a sentence in chinese! haha. so, in this entry titled "中文 & i", i shall share about my experiences with the chinese language. incidentally, the character "中" or "center/ central" used in the context of "central asia" reminds me of middle earth of lotr! lol! ok, ok, i have digressed...

in my life, i had this love-hate relationship with the chinese language and culture. i learned to dislike it when i was a kid in part due to my bad experiences with the language, as well as my dislike for my dad (due to the horror stories my mum shared with me about my paternal grandmother... but that would be another story). and by the time i learned to appreciate the chinese culture and wanted to learn more, i found myself being handicapped by my poor foundation in the language. afterall, an important avenue to appreciate the richness of a 5000-year culture is through understanding the language itself. so here's my story.

when i was in primary school, specifically lower primary, i was rather neutral to the chinese language. i was not strong in it, and neither was i weak in it. it was just another subject to me, a subject that needed a lot more efforts for me cos afterall, we do not speak the mandarin language at home. in fact, i was more at home with malay, given that my mum is peranakan and she would use the malay language when she spoke with my uncles and aunties. well, i was a playful kid and when i was in primary 4, the "in" game to play was with the seed of a local kampong shrub (which i did not know the name). the seed has a pointed-end and was shaped like a small bullet and it was not easy to find. and after class while waiting for our transport to send us home, my classmates and i would use a rubber band to shoot the seed at each other. being shot was one helluva painful but it was fun. one fine day, i chanced upon a seed before class and decided to keep it to play after school. it so happened that we had chinese lessons that day. the teacher was this lady called madam toh (we called her madam toad). she had all the characteristics of a teacher that we as students dislike. she was bossy. she was middle aged. she would scold us whenever she felt we were not listening to her. and top of it all, she seemed to enjoy punishing us. we were constantly fearful of her terrorizing us. added to that, her lessons were always superbly dry. she would simply open the textbook and read character after character. and she would force us to narrate after her... yawns... so, that morning, to keep myself from falling asleep, i took out the seed and started playing with it. next thing i knew, the seed flew and of all places, hit madam toad's middle finger. she gave out a loud scream and demanded for whoever who shot her to own up. there was a sudden silence in the class. she then went on to call out the names of the few students that she felt were the most suspicious. i was not one of them... whew...

of cos everyone denied. and madam toad continued issuing threats to us. i was scared. nonetheless, i decided to own up. that was the right thing to do i told myself. i gingerly stood up, and i apologized. but madam toad was not a forgiving person. next thing i knew she stormed towards me, pulled my ear, dragged me to the front of the class and demanded an explanation. i told her it was an accident and i was really sorry. she wouldn't accept my explanation and insisted i had done it becos i disliked her. and with that, she held on tightly to my ears and dragged to the principal's office. i was given a dressing down. the next day, i was told to report to the principal's office at 7.15am, 15 minutes before the school assembled for our morning assembly. after the national anthem was sung, i was marched up onto the stage and in front of the whole school, i was given a public caning. that incident scarred me. it killed my interest (or whatever little i had) in the chinese language. i hated madam toad. she had maligned me. she had caused me to be publicly embarrassed. i started to avoid her class, or even when i was in class, my mind would wonder off. and with that, i started failing all my chinese tests, and exams. from then on, i struggled with my chinese language. and my dislike for the subject increased with time and ultimately screwed up my foundation in it.

the resultant poor foundation led me to continuously fail my chinese exams all the way up to my secondary school and even my junior college days. when i was in secondary school, my form teacher suggested for me to switch from chinese to malay as a second language given that i had performed very well for my bahasa kebangsaan (at that time, we had to take english as a first language, chinese [or tamil] as a second language and malay as the national language). she rationalized that it would be easier for me to pass malay given the fact that i spoke malay too at home. but i decided to continue with chinese as my second language. when i was in secondary 4, i had 2 chances for my chinese papers during my "o" levels. for both, i obtained a "d7" or "subsidiary pass" grade. nonetheless, i was not too bothered for that was the minimum grade needed for entry into the junior college.

in junior college, i told myself i should try minimally to get a "c6" for my "ao" levels exams. and so, i joined the chinese orchestra in my efforts to learn the language better. i rationalized that since my chinese was really bad, a good start would be to be able to speak it. this was given a push was i failed the audition for the college choir group. i screwed up during the audition and sang out of tune. for that matter, i was not prepared for it and when asked to sing a song, i totally went blank and the song that came to me was majulah singapura, the singapore national anthem. and even then, i sang out of tune! it was so embarrassing! haha! anyway, my joining of the chinese orchestra was one of the best thing that happened to me. the initial discomforts of being immersed in an environment that was so "cheena" eventually led to the start of my discovery process and the appreciation of the chinese culture. and becos of the fact that people in the chinese orchestra were mainly chinese-ed people, i was thus forced to converse in mandarin. as for the exams, i was allowed 3 tries for the chinese at the "ao" level. for all 3 tries, i obtained "d7". i used to joke to people that getting a d7 at "ao" level after getting the same grade for the "o" levels could be considered an improvement... and to top it all off, despite being more comfortable with speaking chinese, i also failed my oral exams! haha! it was a little disappointing but well, i was able to gain entry into the university as "d7" was the minimal grade needed.

after my junior college days, i do speak chinese pretty often. in fact, i use the chinese language almost all the time with bee. other than that, there was never the need to use the chinese language officially. and despite the push by the government to use the chinese language in view of the rising red tide, i was never really motivated to read or write it. but looking ahead, i think i should try harder to do it. it is a useful language to pick up (again).

heh heh...

post-script: lesson learnt, in life, kids need to be respected too. they are individuals who have pride. guide them well, encourage them positively and listen to them. mistakes made can become important teaching moments. you will do them great disjustice if you belittle them, embarrass them and punish them unreasonably...

picture from http://www.easy604.com/i

a dinner almost destroyed

met up with natkean for dinner last night. it was our first meet up after corresponding so much over this blog as well as over whatsapp. we arranged to meet after his work and i picked him up at bedok before making our way for a peranakan dinner. heh heh. i took the liberty to order the dishes, ayam buah keluak, chap chye, bakwan kepiting, ngoh hiang complete with lime juice with agar agar. dinner was ok (natkean said it was good) but the company was better. and natkean asked me this interesting question - are you always so caring? - after i scooped some of the dishes for him. i thought i was being courteous. well... we made our way for ice cream (the real one ya) after that at a nearby shopping center. as i parked my car... mum called.

you said your dinner had ended. how come you are still not home!? people came to the house and told me you went out with that person from bedok! never mind, never mind... you bluff me!!!

hmmm... delusion and anxiety working up again. afternoon medication wearing off. it must be. and with that call, the dinner meeting ended soon after. are such abrupt endings to be expected when there is a sick elderly at home? could have been longer. could have had a happy ending (not that type of happy ending hor)... but well, at least there was a chance to meet up. 

focused use of capacities

today, i learned a lesson about letting go of the past and using whatever limited capacities i have to what matters most. and it was when i decided to clear some space in the store room in my efforts to better organize mum's things.

you see, since moving into my place, mum has some of her clothes still kept in plastic bags. she maintained there was no need to unpack them as she didn't have the need to wear them. but things got unsightly over time and i decided i should do some reorganizing. and today, i decided to move some stuff in her room to the store room. when i took a look inside, i realized there i had kept many things in the room and need to discard some things in order to create space. of cos there were many things inside. these include a study table that james (my ex) bought, my military gear, a whole box of old copies of national geographic, and so on. these were things that has some sort links to my past. after some initial apprehensions, i decided to discard all of them. for the military stuff, there was quite a bit of resistance. after all, i had spend more than half my life in there. i held up my helmet, the skeleton battle order (sbo), boots, etc. i saw my name tag and i hesitated. but in the end, i threw away them all away, including my old epaulettes, my beret, military cap, formal accessories, etc etc etc. despite the initial hesitation, the process was actually quite easy after throwing the initial items. i kept reminding myself, i came with nothing and i will go with nothing. also, why keep things from an organization that doubted my professionalism and decided i was not good enough for them due to my sexuality. in the end, i retained only the new uniforms and a couple of office attire, just in case i am called back to do my reservist.

and am amazed with the amount of space i have created. took me quite a while to do it. but it was a good thing i did it. after clearing the space, i managed to unpack all of mum's clothes and hang them all in the cupboard. well, she seemed rather pleased by this and did not give me much issues today. as for me, i managed to get things better organized. and i also felt rather good about it. and i reflected and thought, yes there was indeed a lesson learned. in life, don't be too sentimental and hold on to things. it can be very draining and takes up a lot of unseen space. look forward, whatever capacities you have are better given to the present and those that appreciate and acknowledge you.

:-)

gay = happy? bullshit!

why are homosexuals referred to as gay when almost all of us are anything but happy? was it a name that was coined to reflect the state of being that we want to be or perhaps coined with a deep sense of cynicism and/ or sarcasm, knowing jolly well that as an individual, or for that matter, as a community, we will never ever be truly happy? i mean, isn't it really really weird that we have to constantly struggle to be acknowledged and accepted by people around us? when all we want is to be just normal people, living as part of a family, community, society...? and why do many of us end up having to single-handedly look after our elderly parent, just because we are not married? wtf!

hmmm... i just had a super bad day, and ya, you know it is with who, and am feeling one helluva blah now. 

post script: have taken a read from wiki and it gives an interesting explanation of the history behind the term "gay"... and oh, a gay man actually refers to a womanizer a long time back, before it was used to refer to the homosexual man! heh...

picture from http://www.paradisenudismhotel.com

& i ran...

am happy to blog here that after close to 9 years, i finally ran 5 km without stopping today! heh heh... and for the first time in many months, my bmi (body mass index) has drop to below 25. very motivating indeed. 

:-)

nice lunches

have made a point to meet up with friends for lunches these days. and this week alone, i met up with an ex-colleague, larry, as well as with dilbert. really great catching up and a really good break for me. and of cos, there will be more lunches next week too! heh heh...

:-)

prc vs prc

well, there have been numerous, in fact, countless complains about prcs in singapore. so much so to the extend that it was a little too much even for me. yup, i do think there are some individuals whose behaviour are not socially responsible, but come on, life is stressful enough, live and let live. we certainly cannot, from the bad behaviour of these one or two individuals, generalize them to be that of all prcs. let's not pick on people so much until it made us look so unforgiving and worst still, unreasonable. 

and talking about prcs, there is something that i wanted to share. and this is about one particular person who works at the coffee shop near my place. you see, i go to this coffee shop to buy my kopi-o (coffee black) rather often. and every time i go there, i would be served by a pair of prc girls. now, these girls are really hardworking. also i do admire them for their efficiency, customer-focused, and cheerful demeanor whenever i get coffee from them. also, these girls can really be very firm with customers who tried to pull a fast one. very professional i thought. and frankly, while many of us in the neighbourhood still see them as prcs, we do not really take them to be any different from other staff and have accepted them as part of the heartland cos they have learned how things work and have assimilated into our way of getting things done. 

recently, i noticed that one of the girls had stopped work and a new girl had joined the team. she is also from china and being new to the environment, she was made to wear a tag with the words "trainee". and being new, this girl was naturally a little clumsy. in addition to that, her english was really bad. and so, the other remaining seasoned prc girl naturally became the senior and coach. and i was so shocked to see how this senior treats this new prc girl. really, don't ever mess with prc girls... they can be customer-focused, friendly, etc... but when it comes to coaching, and supervising a newbie (who also hail from their own country), they can be a really really big bitch! the way she insist how things need to be done, how she must talk to customers, how she must carry herself, how she must tie to coffee takeaway, etc etc etc... and to top it off, she really talk down on this new girl. it is like as though she was telling the newbie "look! we are from prc and the way these people are looking at us is bad enough, so don't give people the additional excuse to look down on us!" and most interesting of all, the new trainee prc girl took it all in stride. no complains. i am sure if such treatment is meted out to a singaporean, he/ she would have taken a chopper and threaten to kill the senior! haha!

and for that, i do have a new found respect for the never die attitude of prcs!

broken recorder

well, if you have noticed, i have not really blogged about mum these days... in fact, i deliberately, consciously, try not to blog about her. and i did so becos i realized i will sound like a broken recorder. just keep repeating and repeating. i reckoned that even if my readers do not get tired reading them, i myself will get tired repeating myself. 

haha... so yes, i just take it that unless otherwise stated, everything about her has been rather consistent, in terms of the suspicions, the tantrums, the emotional abuse, some rather disturbing allegations (which i shall not blog about, that even my sister felt terribly disturbed), la la la... and of course, there is one little update here. i went to the mental institute and asked the doctor what is her condition called specifically. i wanted some clearer indication from him. i have read about parkinsons, alzheimers, dementia, and so on and all her symptoms seemed to be mentioned in all these different conditions. and the doctor put it very simply to me. you mum has early stage dementia. ok, at least that is clear enough to me... and he also asked me to "play around" with the medication (i.e, adjust the dosage) depending on her condition. in addition, the doctor also mentioned that he would be referring her to the geriatric clinic too. 

well... that's the update for now. 

:-)

being closeted vs coming out

i read this somewhere before...

when i come out, my parents go into the closet...

do you agree? it is an interesting sentence. but i reflected on it and from my angle, i thought, hmmm... how very true. and if you know the challenges of being in the closet, do you think it is a fair thing to put your parents into the closet? or perhaps, come out halfway, to people who are accepting, and not to people who are not accepting of homosexuality? well, i supposed there are many answers, and all are debatable. and i also guess most of us chose the in-between answer. whatever it is, there are no right and not wrong. it really depends on a person's point of view, whether he/ she wants to take on a self-centric point of view, the circumstances that he/ she is in, his/ her upbringing, his/ her extended family, their perspective of homosexuality and so on.

so... yup, i do not think there is a standard answer. 

what works for you might not work for me. 

and vice versa.

picture from http://www.rolereboot.org

tips on cooking vegetarian dishes

have been cooking lotsa vegetarian food for mum lately. so i thought it would be useful for me to also blog some of the recipes and tips on cooking vegetarian food. initially i had lotsa tensions about how to cook vegetarian food. afterall, one cannot include the usual ingredients and condiments like garlic and onions. so, tofu-based food become one of the most important ingredients to include. and to add variety to the various dishes, i also experimented with vegetarian dishes with porridge, vegetarian mee tai mak, vegetarian noodles, vegetarian kuay teow soup etc.  the following are some things one can consider to spice things up...

• buy tofu or tau kwa, smash it up, add a little salt and fry the smashed tofu till crispy. this fried tofu is a very useful topping to throw onto any fried vegetable dishes. and the small bits of salt gives the dish an added texture and taste in addition to the flavourful tofu taste that comes with it.

• instead of adding salt to tau kwa before deep frying it, try doing it without adding any salt. the tau kwa itself makes a wonderful dish and without the salt, one can better taste the tofu taste.

• use different types of fresh mushrooms when you stir fry the vegetable. fresh mushrooms, especially shiitake mushrooms, gives the dish a smoother feel and fragrance. use golden mushroom if you prefer a light hint of  sweetness. on the other hand, if you prefer the stronger taste, you can use dried mushrooms. do note, however, that if you use dried mushrooms, you can use the water (used to soak the mushroom) so as not to waste the flavour of the mushroom.

• for variety, you can consider buying those canned vegetarian dishes (eg vegetarian abalone, vegetarian duck, etc) and adding them to the dishes. but do not overdo this cos canned food tend to come with lots of preservatives and is not good for health.

• use various types of spices to, short of a better word, spice up your dishes. tomatoes, parsley, chilli (green or red, fresh or preserved), pepper and so on make wonderful addition to your dishes.

• play around with the different ways of cooking to produce food with different textures. this will make your dishes interesting. deep fried yam, steamed yam, stir fried yam etc all produce different types of taste and experiences for the person eating them.

• make use of food with different colours (chilli, tomatoes, flowers, etc) to make your dishes look interesting and less boring.

heh... there are many more tips i have learned... will add along the way. and one thing i have learned, vegetarian cooking can be fun and interesting! and of cos, healthy too if you do it correctly.

enjoy!

running & i

i have started running again since mid-dec 12. and i have made a resolution this year to continue to do so. and thus far, i am glad to say that i have been able to do so. and despite the fact that the distance is no more than 2-3km, it is a tremendous feat for me given that i had not been able to run properly since 2005. and i treasure my new found ability. and it is something i will wanna keep.

i have always loved running. since my late teens i run minimally twice a week. most of the time, the distance would be about 3-5km. and in my mid-20s, i peaked at 10-15km daily, 7 days a week. in fact, at one time, i was so addicted to running, i would even run when i was down with high fever. however, despite my love of running, i have never gone for any marathon. the furthest i had gone for was 21km, half-marathon.

the thing about running is that it keeps me going. it keeps my body warm. it brings me back to health when i feel a cold coming. it helps me stay on-the-go. and most importantly, it clears my mind. running is a very individualistic sport. while in the army, a lot of runs were done as a platoon/ company, most of my runs were done alone. and i would run with my headphone on. the music would provide me with the rhythm and helped pace me. and during these runs, i would go into myself. i would reflect about things, think through my problems, and so on. 

i came out in 1996. and between the years 1996-1999, my weekend evenings were spend primarily at the east coast park running. that was a hot place for gay guys on weekends. and it was during that period that i got to know many many friends. and of course, met with several heartaches. but well, it opened me up to a brand new sub-culture. nonetheless, my knees began to hurt during this period. i had over-run and my knees were showing signs of wear and tear. with the advice of a good friend, i subsequently reduced my running distance and frequency. i started doing more brisk walking.

2005 was a defining year for me on many fronts, including running. that was one of the most tense period in my life. i was at the tail-end of my relationship with james and i also dating bee. it was a very stressful period. and it was this time that the security department outed me. my stress level shot up. i lost more than 15% of my body weight. i went into depression. so i intensified my running in my attempt to manage my stress. and during one of the runs, i twisted my left ankle. if you have ever seen an ankle that twisted such that the sole of the feet faces the sky, you can appreciate the pain i felt. my left ankle swell to the size of a medium sized papaya and the pain persisted for 6 months. i had problems walking and no amount of chinese sinseh chakuat could help. 

i finally sought help from the hospital. i was found to have broken one of the metatarsal and was put of steroid treatment to manage the swell and to aid the recovery. the doctor told me i would never be able to run like i did previously anymore. you can never imagine the scare i felt seeing a needle being poked into my left ankle. but it had to be done to deliver the steroid into the depth of my ankle. i went through at least 3 times. and to prevent my ankle from collapsing, i was put on orthotics. the orthotics height had to be readjusted every 6 months to a year. since then, i could not run more than a few hundred meters. and after that, i would not be able to stand properly. i could not even walk properly. my calves would hurt like crazy every time i run. also, i will be incapacitated and had to rest at home the day after i went shopping. it was just that bad.

till today, i still need to wear the orthotics. my bad ankles, coupled with my bad knees, affected my back. i suffered non-stop backaches. and added to that with my cervical spondylosis (degeneration of my neck/ cervical bones) that i sustained as a result of a fall during a jungle training in 1994, i was literally waiting for the day my whole body would just collapse. i lost my momentum. as a result, my health was affected. my aerobic fitness deteriorated. i grew fat. i got weaker by the days. for the last couple of years, i started my chiropractic treatment. i hoped to be able to use this opportunity to straighten my spine, and slowly, start to exercise and pick up running again.

thus, my recent new found momentum in running is something i want to keep. i will work hard at it. frankly, i do feel the pain in my knees creeping in again. of cos logic tells me to go slow and not rush. but surely, i will continue to work on my new found abilities to run and to exercise regularly.

:-)

picture from http://chestertheatre.org/

jumping & dying

i seemed to have this thing about chancing on dead people. to be more specific, people who have killed themselves by jumping off tall buildings. this is one of the surest way to die if you ask me. anyway, this afternoon, after having lunch with bee, i decided to drop by the pool for a swim and a tan. and just as i was about to turn into the pool car park, i noticed quite a few police cars at a block of flats (public housing) nearby. the police had also cordoned off this block of flats and erected a small blue tent on the ground. hmmm... typical indicators of a suicide scene.

well, this was not the first time i came across such incidents. in fact, this was probably the 3rd (or 4th) time for me. and as usual, i would feel sad for the deceased and their family members. the worst i have experienced was some 30-over years back when i lived in marine parade. i could still recall the incident cos that was my first and the worst. it happened one early afternoon when i was at home. and there was this loud yet low-pitched "kkhhok!!!" sound that came from a point block (25-storey block of flat) some distance away. it made me and my neighbours rush out of our house to check out what made that sound and where it came from. and even before we could confirm what happened, a loud wailing scream broke out. i rushed down to the block to take a look. there was a mangled body on the ground. the head was broken, not much different from a crushed coconut. and the brains were scattered all over the car park. it was a gross sight. and just then, a woman appeared. she was screaming, wailing, crying, altogether at once, uncontrollably. that scene was forever etched onto my mind.

what i saw earlier reminded me again of this sight. not very nice i must say. and whatever the reasons may be that this person killed himself/ herself i do pray that he/ she will be able to rest in peace.

i did not swim/ tan in the end. 

ps: my sis-in-law had a similar experience, only that hers was so much more traumatic cos she came from china and, apart from being foreign to such "falling objects", death is something really taboo to her. and of cos, her experience was worst than mine cos she was looking out of the window when someone fell in front of her. and next thing she knew, the body crashed onto the ground. instinctively she looked down and she saw the dead body, totally smashed up... poor girl, my domestic help told us her face turned completely green at that moment and she almost fainted. she was totally traumatized.

meeting karsten

i met up with karsten for a quick tan and lunch yesterday.

karsten is a good friend of mine. he is an expatriate who had worked in south east asia for the last 15 years (or more). i must have known him for hmmm, 8? or easily10 or maybe more years. when i first know him, he resided in singapore. and since 6 years ago (i think it is 6), he had moved over to malaysia given his job commitments. we have kept in contact on and off over the years. 

despite having relocated to malaysia, he would come over to singapore weekly to keep himself updated with his countrymen and to keep himself sane. well, i said sane becos he feels strongly that jb is quite backward in terms of the variety of stuff he can get and the lifestyle that he has been so used to... anyway, we met up for a tan at the pool (that i used to tan) before lunching. 

he had this crave for laksa (a peranakan coconut-based curry noodle dish), and we went to the famous katong laksa store for lunch. heh heh... being ang mo ("red haired" / local lingo for "caucasian") and despite all these years in singapore/ malaysia, he is still not used to very spicy food. so, while he enjoyed the laksa tremendously, just like a local, he has not gone further to the extend of adding additional sambal (chilli paste) into the soup like what most of us would do. 

as for me, it was the usual laksa with additional serving of cockles and extra dollops of sambal! and of cos, it was man-oogling time throughout lunch! after that it was bitching session over a cuppa at the shopping center. heh heh... it was a good day out indeed. the thing about good old friends is that we do not meet often, but when we meet, the conversation just flows and there is almost no taboo topics between us. and it was just bitch bitch bitch...

:-)

picture from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laksa

of door knobs & locks

i have been very insistent about mum not locking her bedroom door when she sleeps. but she simply refused to heed my words. in fact, it had almost become a reflex action of hers. she believes bee and his mum will kill her as she is in their way of wanting to take over my property. although it sounds totally illogical and even like a joke to us, her fear is very real to her. and so, for the last many many months, whenever she walks into her room, she'd lock her door automatically. and when she does so, the danger of me not being able to reach her when and if she gets choke, gets an asthma attack, gets a heart attack, etc become very very real. and certainly, there were several occasions where she couldn't drag herself to unlock the door due to her breathlessness.

to a very large extend, it is my fault cos i had lost the keys to her room. and i had earlier procrastinated about changing the lock (the door knob type where one needs to press a button from inside to lock it). now, it is almost impossible for me to do anything to her lock cos she is superbly suspicious of my every single action. i had wanted to change the lock last month but given her condition, it was not appropriate. and this week, 2 days ago to be specific, i finally got a window of opportunity when she finally decided to head to the rehab center.

now, i had 2 choices. i could replace it with a new door knob/ lock or i could manipulate the existing lock to prevent it from locking. key to these options is the need to allow me to open the door whenever i want from outside. if i replace it, i would have a new set of keys and she can lock herself in for all she cares. but i decided against this option. i was sure her imagination would run wild when she sees a new door knob. and her sense of security would totally disappear. and so i decided to tamper with the locking mechanism. heh heh... got my screw driver and dismantle the door knob, analyzed how the locking mechanism works and decipher how i could jam it. in the end, i decided the easiest way would be to stuff some cardboard paper into the locking mechanism to prevent it from fully locking. but i had to make sure she can still press the button so as to give her the impression that she had indeed lock her door from inside. after making sure it works, i assembled it again.

heh heh... the litmus test was when that night itself when she retired to sleep. as usual, i went into my room first to give her the assurance that i will not be going out. and i heard her go into her room and she  pressed the lock... and it all went quiet. everything worked well...

:-)

emotional abuse

again i am documenting my mum's behavior. frankly, i get a tat tired of writing this again and again.

last evening, after i cooked dinner and ate together with her, i decided to head out to the shopping center to do some shopping. i also wanted to buy banana for her. at the shopping center, i called back and asked if she wanted durian (her favourite fruit). she said ok and i proceeded to drive to get it for her. after driving some 20min, she called and said she didn't want the durians already. i thought it was weird cos it is not her to reject any offers of durians... and i headed home. when i entered the house,  she gave me a very weird look. and then she asked "so you went out with that woman again right?"... i half-laughingly asked her what woman and which woman, to which she replied (with the same evil look on her face) "never mind, never mind..."

today, i went to the market to get grocery and to eat breakfast. came home almost immediately and got the usual evil look from her. and she asked "how come you go out so long?" and she proceeded to do a thorough check of what i bought. and through the whole morning she kept stealing evil glances at me when i walk around the house, the kind of glance from the corner of her eyes. and worst of all, whenever she looked at me, she would carry and evil smile on her face. yikes! her behaviour towards me was no better when i did the housework. she chided me for sweeping the floor "floor so clean, why sweep the floor?!" and this was despite the obvious presence of sapphie's fur flying all over. also, she did the same when i mopped the floor. i simply explain to her that things are dirty and needed cleaning. otherwise, i did not really entertain her constant chiding. once done, i proceeded to cook for her. halfway through, she came into the kitchen and said "why? how come the vegetable so fast cook?" it was obvious from her tone that she was not convinced i did the cooking. finally, when i placed the cooked dishes on the dining table, she asked "how come cook so much?" which was weird cos it was only a small portion. and after all the cooking, she refused to eat what i cooked, choosing to only eat the plain porridge.

these are her usual suspicions towards my every actions and the constant hostilities i get from her. much has been said about not internalizing it, and more importantly, not to feel the strains of emotional abuse. but it is easier said than done, especially when i am at the receiving-end all the time. to make things more challenging, i need to constantly be aware of and to calibrate my responses to her. this is becos she will suddenly go cranky if she perceives my responses (or non-response) as hostile. and when that happens, i will have to do the damage control and pick up the pieces.

but yeah... life goes on. be positive. she's a sick person. 

that is my new year resolution.

cruised by an indian

i have been exercising almost everyday/ every other day since the final weeks of last month. and it certainly feels good. i sleep better, i eat better (but i control) and i can certainly say - i feel a lot better. over the past couple of days, i have started running in the evening at about 8.30pm - about 2 hours after my light dinner and 4 hours before my bedtime. my running route would take me through my estate and round the business park nearby. and this evening, something happened freaked me out! 

i was cruised by a south asian! he should be a construction worker cos there are a lot of constructions around there and most of the construction workers are south asians. what happened was, i had just finished my run at the exercise ground in the park. and as per usual, i took off my singlet, left it on the bench and started doing my push ups, etc. and i did slow jogs around the exercise area as part of my warming down. 

as i did so, i saw a figure cycle towards me. i felt a little uneasy cos the place was very poorly lit. nonetheless, i could figure out it was a south asian. and for that moment, i was reminded of the recent indian rape case. yup, me and my wild imagination. haha... and i couldn't help but heave a sigh of relieve when he cycled pass me.  but my sense of comfort was short-lived. he cycled on for some 20m further... and then he made a u-turn! 

aiyoyo! oh no! and when he reach the bench (where i left my singlet), he got off his bike, and sat there. as he sat, he stared at me and before i knew it, and he started talking in what sounded like tamil... and moments later, he started making some gurgling noise. freaked me out totally! i took my stuff and quickly ran off! thankfully, he did not follow!

hahah!

goddess @ bedok

one of the places that i bring mum for her breakfast frequently is the hawker center at bedok north. and this is becos mum's vegetarian and there is this vegetarian store there that sells a rather good variety of vegetarian food that taste good and at a very affordable price. and i would also buy the you char kueh from one of the store. once a while i would chat with the hawkers, ask about their well-being, about their business and so on. now, the store owners of the stores i frequent know my "standard" orders and would prepare the food before i could even get a seat. and they are also nice enough to help me find a table where i can wheel my mum to. there were times where they even ask some customers to vacate the table for us! so nice of them right? ha!

now, in this post, i want to write about the uncle that sells you char kueh. he has a low iq son. and we know this cos his son would come to help him out on weekends and he would behave in a rather weird manner. a little off, if you know what i mean. you char kueh uncle is a rather reserved person who does not chat easily. he would simply prepare his fare and his son would do the selling. once a while, i would ask about his business and whether things are good with him. he would simply smile and nods his head. some time last month, you char kueh uncle asked me if there are any other persons helping me look after mum, and whether i was working... it was interesting cos this uncle usually do not talk to his customers. i told him about my unemployment accordingly and again, he nodded his head and smiled. he gave me some words of encouragement and i thanked him and left. we didn't talk further after that. and yesterday, i went to his store to buy you char kueh for mum again. his son was not around (schooling i believe) and he came forward. he took a look at me, and from out of no where, he said the following to me (in hokkien)...

you need to get a job, not a wise idea to get dry because of your mum. and you need to look after yourself, your mum is probably in a state where she is no longer logical. it is difficult looking after her cos she will scold you, and she will say hurtful words, but please do not take it to heart, do not let the words get into you. i know cos i have walked this path, as long as your conscience are clear. look after yourself, if not, before she goes, you will go. and that is not good. she is old, and you have a life ahead, learn to let her go now. she is no longer a normal person. give yourself breaks whenever you need. go out, do not feel guilty. do not take her words to heart and carry on with your life. 

i was totally stunt. for out of no where, you char kueh uncle said all these things and it was so timely cos mum's mental health had only recently deteriorated. as we chatted, mum just looked at us talking, wondering what transpired. it was interesting. at the hawker center, there is often this difficult and invisible wall between the hawkers and customers given the perceived difference in social status. and to get you char kueh uncle shared with me a list of treasures and advices so willingly, it felt so good. i will always remember his words of encouragements and advice. i am thankful to him for that.

and really, for that moment, i do not see uncle talking to me, i see the manifestation of the goddess of mercy.

amitofo!

picture from http://www.pureinsight.org/node/1658

mum's condition & behavior

well, thought i'd document mum's condition and behavior as a way to capture what she's experiencing and going through...

• emotional and mood swings
• throws tantrums
• problems communicating
• stubborn
• rude
• curt
• often cannot recall recent things
• confuse old experiences with current day people/ experiences
• confuse people with characters from her past
• highly suspicious of people wanting to harm her
• highly rebellious
• highly insecure
• keeps calling people on her phone non-stop
• keeps asking same questions over and over again
• resists food, especially if it is from people she suspects
• keeps wanting to drink water
• resists medications
• restless hand that keep scratching any surface she places them on
• occasional insomnia
• incontinence
• constipation
• ...

ok, these are some of the things i can rattle off quickly, will document as i go along...

ajahn brahm talk

happily, i attended a talk by ajahn brahm at the temple yesterday with bee and a couple of friends. the talk centered on the happiness journey and lots of good simple lessons were shared. here's some... too bad i couldn't write more cos my phone died on me... sighs!

• leave the problems behind, learn the reasons why things become positive and make the positives more positive
• learn how to forgive, learn and grow. learn to recreate the happiness
• learn to upgrade, in bigger heart, in happiness, and not in material things
• define progress correctly, progress in the growth of the heart
• don't worry about face. It is not what others think of you, but what you yourself think of yourself, know yourself, love yourself. that is what being happy is about.
• regardless of what trauma happens to you, transform your negatives and make them positive for you. open your heart to yourself, let yourself in. only than can you transform yourself, happiness comes in, compassion comes in. you'll find you have peace of mind, everything that happened has a reason.
• when you experience extreme negatives in life, change your attitude, don't try to get rid of the experience, embrace it, let it into your heart. then healing will start, and love will start, happiness will come in.
• death is natural, your job as a doctor is to care, not cure. open the door of your heart.
• regardless of your sexuality, political affiliation, professions, faith, we will care for you, not cure you (by changing you)
• it is always win win in buddhism, if we try to care, we will cure more. put care in front of cure and cure will take place. think patch adams!
• as a parent.
• treat your children kindly, when they grow up. they may go away for a while, a long while, but they will come back, and when they do so, they will appreciate you a lot a lot more.
• trust your children, don't cage them up, open the cage, let them go, let them grow. cage them up and they will not come back to you once they have a chance to go! give your kids a break! they will make mistakes, they will hurt themselves, but they will learn! they will inherit the immune system of the disease kind and of the heart kind. if you are really caring of your kids, let them go, let them learn!
• as children.
• we are not perfect, there were times we weren't kind to our parents. we will feel guilty. but we must learn to forgive ourselves. we love our parents, we do make our parent's lives miserable, but know that our parents love us, they will forgive us. and with this, we must also learn to forgive ourselves.
• if you love someone, tell them!!!

the most important thing i learned in the talk is "care not cure". often, we cannot cure people (of their sexuality, their illnesses, their death, their crime...) but we can care for them. show them love, respect them, and open our hearts to them. but to be able to do 100%, we must first face up to ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves.

when we can do this, we will be happy.

picture from http://www.buddhistfellowship.org/cms/

serendipity

remember the vietnamese boy that i spoke of? the one that worked at the shopping center restaurant? i have not blog about him since the time when he said he would be leaving. and the last time i spoke with him (in dec), he affirmed that he would be leaving 6 jan. and i said i would meet him again to wish him goodbye. but the days passed and i did not get to meet him due to mum's mental deterioration. and on the 6 jan, i was out for something that i couldn't really recall. and so, i took it that he had left and gone back to vietnam and that was it. 

i went out with an ex-colleague for lunch today at tanjong katong. and it was a great lunch. gorged myself of bak kut teh, stewed pig's trotters, large intestines, tang-o, you char kueh, complete with a bowl of rice... yumz. and after that, had a cup of chendol ice cream! double yumz... ok, where was i... oh ok, after lunch, as we were about to cross the road, i saw a couple trying to cross the road too. hmm... the guy looked familiar. and he gave me that familiar look too. and wham! it was that vietnamese boy! haha. totally didn't expect it and initially thought it couldn't be. but indeed it was him. i couldn't really recognise him cos he was always with his chef's head dress whenever we meet (at the shopping center). we spoke briefly, and came to understand that when he said leaving on 6 jan, he had meant leaving the restaurant and not singapore. heh! anyway, found out his departure to vietnam would be next week! managed to exchange numbers and we would likely meet up before he leaves...

hahaha!

cock-up apple products

know why many of our recent apple i-products (such as my iPhone!) cock-up so often? here's what a friend told me jokingly. the answer is in the product itself. ok, turn off your phone and turn it on again. what do you see?

a bitten and cracked apple!

lol!

picture from http://iblack-apple.blogspot.sg/2012/12/apple-logo-history.html

"evil bee"

bee came over to pick up some stuff and woooohhh... you should have seen the evil looks that mum gave him! her face was so so so blllacccckkkk! she didn't even bother to acknowledge him when he called her. and with his short visit, she went mental again and started suspecting my every single moves after he left.

well, i learnt from my sis yesterday that mum told her there are 2 ladies by the name of tan kim hong and bee lian, and they, together with bee, are instigating me to harm her... ok, ok... same old stories. but i now take it that she is a mental person and so... no use getting upset by it. rather, i feel sad that she is like that. then again, that is her karma, she cannot let go of her past. and so, it has caught up with her. 

life of a dementia person...

sad. but what to do?

one more month...

one more month. at least. well, to be realistic, i think it would be another 2 months minimally before i get that job i was hoping for. you see, the company that interviewed me responded today, telling my headhunter, that they will only review the position that they interviewed me for at the end of jan. so...

reflecting, i think this is to be expected given that the company has just announced some major restructuring and that my position, that is a non-p&l one, would likely be reviewed a lot later. and let's say if they review the position end of the month, and take say 2 weeks to decide, the answer with regards whether i will be hired will only come in in mid-feb. and that means i will start work sometime in mar. 

hmmm...

les miserables

lk, schneider, bee and i went to watch les miserables last evening. and i felt so miserable watching it. it was quite a difficult 3 hours. this was despite the fact that i went in with no expectations. also,  i had few recollections of the storyline as i watched the musical about a decade ago. for a start, the cinema i went to boasts itself as one that can give its audience a totally immersive experience, complete with full digital screening, super solid sound systems, comfortable seats and so on. well, everything that they boasted did not disappoint, for we did experience the crisp digital clarity and the sensurround sound during the preshow segment. it really brought the whole theatre to live and built up our expectations on the experience. but once the show started, the sound from the movie totally fell flat. yup, the sound production failed big time. and it was against the bad start that we were brought through 3 hours of the musical!

in the show itself, i thought the acting was ok. competent but not fantastic, especially russell crowe (inspector avert) and hugh jackman (jean valjean), who would probably be better off as wolverine in x-man. and yes, i really love the rendition of i have a dream by anne hathaway (who played fantine). it was really impressive and mesmerising. similarly, i was also totally blown away by singing of eddie redmeyne who played the love of cosette (amanda seyfeid of mamma mia fame). i also enjoyed the performances of the children who brought lots of joy to the otherwise bleak and unimpressive show. however, the same could not be said of russell crow and hugh jackman's singing. as they played a leading roles in the show, their below average singing were the main reasons why the whole show fell flat. i was not surprised to see a couple of people walking out of the theatre halfway through the show.

nonetheless, as schneider said before the show started, a lot of people said we should not walk into the show with any expectations, especially if we have watched the musical. so... nonetheless, being an optimist, i must say it was a good night off with my friends and the show gave me a good opportunity to see and experience first hand the new systems of the recently renovated cinema and kill some time, and of cos, be entertained by one or two very good singers in the show. i only wished that these gifted singers were given more airtime.

picture from http://thewrittenheart.blogspot.sg/2012/12/les-miserables.html