sighs...

weekdays, i work in the day and bring mum out at night. weekends, i sleep most of the days, bring mum out in evenings and by the time i come home, i would be rather exhausted and would not head out anymore. and the cycle repeats. although bringing mum out has become a routine and not difficult, i am beginning to feel the toll on me... it is taking it's toll on my personal life. i hardly take dinners with bee now. and he prefers not to take dinner with me and mum. added to that, he has to manage his parent's illness and comes over only very late at night on some nights of the week. and when he comes over, i would be preparing to sleep, and he would play with his computer while i sleep. so...

of course, the bright side of things is that she is mentally a lot more stabilized and giving me less tensions. the attention given to her had helped to give her the security she needs. and while i could sense her refusal to change her mentality about people around her, she has shown a lot less stress as a result of her paranoia. well, of course, i could still sense and see her fears although she has not verbalized it. for example, despite being more open to going to my bro's place, she is still insistent on not eating the food my sis-in-law or the domestic help prepared.

sighs...

art of cruising

i think with advances in technology (specifically, in the areas of communications/ connections), we, as a gay community are starting to lose touch in the art of cruising. yes, as in totally totally losing it! i still remember the times when internet has not penetrated the society, where the order of the day was face-to-face communications, and little nuances in body gestures were important, where we take time to cruise, to romance and to court. and we gaymen were so so well-trained and acute in our senses when it came to the whole art of cruising, romancing, and courting each other.

during those times, we were so conscious of eye contacts, we were so conscious of using the right words (yes, you'll be amazed at how little words can mean different things!), of how we dressed (and little signals we gave each other from the different types of hankerchiefs used, where we wore our ear ring, etc), of how we projected ourselves, how we carried ourselves, and so on... we had to use our whole-being and all our senses to communicate. and as a result, our senses were so much more acute. we were so sensitive to little feelings of touch and we could feel each other when skin nears skin, we were so sensitive to changes in temperatures, where we felt the slightest change in temperatures as flesh nears flesh, we were so sensitive to sounds, we could even heart each other's heart go tump tump tump! and so on... and we took things slow, we pleasured ourselves in the whole experience of cruising, we indulged ourselves in the anxieties that arose from little gestures, smells, eye movements, lips movements. we took pleasures in feeling the anxieties of the touch of the other person's finger, hands etc, and how the fingers feel, and then crawl and inch its ways up our thighs...

and technology came along. it expanded our horizons, it brought the acts of sex from the privacy of the personal spaces into wherever we wished it to be - the bedroom, the car, the office... you name it. it provided us the convenience of peeping into people's private lives anytime and anywhere, and at the same time, allowed us to let people into our private spaces. it fulfil our secret voyeuristic as well as our exhibitionistic fetishes. cybersex, cam-to-cam, msn, you name it. i felt all these advances came at the expense of the physical communications that i spoke of earlier. it totally killed all the human dimension of cruising... of communications to be exact. people want things at an instant. when they want titillating moments, they have porn, when they want anonymous sex, they do web-cam (faceless), etc... no different from how a delicious bak chor mee is conveniently replaced with maggi instant noodle. and for many, a direct result of this instantaneous gratifications and blurring of cyber vs real life is that they totally lost the art of living in the real world.

let me share this experience. a real life experience. i shared it with my bee and he laughed out really loud. it is about cruising... ok here goes, i live in the east and within 5min away from my place is an industrial estate. this estate has a large piece of undeveloped land and developments are ongoing to change this piece of ground into a university within the next 2-3 years. this is also a place where i would do my brisk walks/ runs. it so happened that some years back (and still is), gay men started frequenting this area and it became quite a cruising ground. and on one evening as i was jogging, i saw a young person (i later found out he was 18/ 19 years old). from his behaviour, it was obvious that he was gay and was there for a quickie. he was strolling along my jogging path. as i jogged pass him, i noted he was on his phone surfing the net (i assumed it was grindr), he looked at me and gave me a dazed look. and before i could even say "the", he asked out loud "ah... you gay a-not?"... hmmm, such a direct question... "yes" i answered. a direct question should be responded with a direct answer i reckoned, and i jogged on. he continued surfing the net as he walked about mindlessly. "he was totally totally not my type lor" i thought to myself. thin like a teck-kho aka gala-pole, hair with fringe that is so long and unkempt it covered half his face (macam those in japanese anime), behaviour like a typical ah-beng (derogatory sense)... i turned back and could see him strolling up and down the same path. i returned after my exercise and as i did my warming down, he approached me again and asked another question "ah... you want to have sex a-not?" oh-my-f-ing-god! wah ranzzzz... what a question to ask! was i experiencing a generation gap? i gave a quick negative answer... yet, he persisted, "you want to suck my cock a-not?"... tsk tsk tsk... (of cos, the other way to look at it and ask myself was - i so pecha meh?)

i felt a little disturbed after that incident. i believe you would too if you were in my shoes... and i could only blame his crude and blunt questions to the fact that he has lost all abilities to communicate like a normal hot-blooded human being. and frankly, increasingly, i am seeing such kind of questions being asked. questions that i have never experienced before years ago.

picture from http://gay-singapore-bars.qguide.com/towel-club-sauna.php

三寸天堂

something that touches my heart at this moment...

:-)

停在这里不敢走下去
让悲伤无法上演
下一页你亲手写上的离别
由不得我拒绝
这条路我们走得太匆忙
拥抱着并不真实的欲望
来不及等不及回头欣赏
木兰香遮不住伤

不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光。
(repeat)

不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光。

那天堂是我爱过你的地方

old car

yesterday, i had to sent my car in to the workshop to replace the radiator rubber tubing. there was a tear on the tubing and steam was bursting out my bonnet lining so bad that it looked like as though my car was about to catch fire anytime. and i felt so awkward whenever i stop at a traffic junction cos people would be staring at me... heh heh... anyway, i to the service center and was told i need to get both the top and bottom (don't ask me details, i am an idiot when it comes to car parts) tubings replaced (which i did, no questions asked). plus some other smaller parts that i asked to change, the whole thing cost me $180! damned!

and just when i thought everything was ok, today my car started stuttering (if this is a correct word) as i drove home after work. thankfully i managed to get home safely. but this evening, i did a test by driving bee home in it. it died halfway. had to call a tow truck to tow it to the workshop... sighs... of cos the bright side of this story was that i managed to get a good and nice work out walking home at 11.30pm! very nice cool night indeed! i really needed this exercise.

ok, back to my car. perhaps it is time replace it. then again, i don't think i can afford a new car. or rather, i don't think it is worth getting one. just look at the cost of the certificate of entitlement! close to $80k! i think it is perhaps easier to get a second hand car, or perhaps i should just do the repairs and drive off the remaining 3 years of my car's lifespan...

best friend

i got a voice message from tuls today when i was in my boss's office. and considering it was all the way from london, coupled with my curiosity, i clicked "listen"... and lo and behold, his voice screamed out loud across the whole office "diamonds are a girl's best friend!!!"... thank goodness, my boss was not around and so was most other people... (it was still quite early), whew! and of course, i quickly snapped it off once the first syllabus screamed out... haha!

it was not until the end of the day when i actually listened to his whole message. and of course, i was careful enough to listen to it in the privacy of my car. heh! thanks my friend, thanks for the kind words of encouragements. it made me smile. yup, it's gonna be painful but well, i supposed even the worst will pass...

:-)

and yes, diamonds are a girl's best friend!

nice!

such a nice fluffy dog!... now... now... what were you thinking about? lol!

:-)

picture courtesy of my bee!

more diamonds

managed to squeeze in my medical appointment after mum's. and i showed the doctor the stone that came out. told him that it came out before the last scan but i decided to proceed with the scan as i wanted to see if there are any more stones in me.

he stared at me for a while and said that i did the right thing. then he looked at me and told me that there were at least 3-4 stones more in me. he went through the ct scan with me and pointed out that there was at least one stone in each kidney and one more in the bladder... he seemed very uncomfortable for the fact that the one in the bladder seemed to be located at area where the ureter opens into the bladder and asked me to return for another scan in 3 months. told me the possibility of having my kidneys damaged if the stones remain there and asked me to continue to flush my system. hopefully some of them would be passed out during this time... and he said i should return straight away if i get any high fever during this period.

hmmm...

petrified mum

both mum and i had a medical review this afternoon, hers at sgh while mine at cgh. had asked my sis to help bring her given the clash in timings but she backed off last minute becos she heard my mum had flu. she didn't want to risk getting the flu bug. in the end, bee volunteered to bring mum for her medical appointment. i knew it was gonna be tricky cos she always had this suspicions about people who are not her immediate family members. she always suspect they want to harm her... and so, the mental preparations for mum started as early as yesterday. told her that bee would be bringing her and went in to details of how it would be done.

accordingly, everything was arranged such that i would go to work in the morning, and i would head back to prepare her for the medical appointment after lunch. and after that, we would leave home together, and i would head to cgh while bee would use the car and drive her to sgh. she seemed ok with all the arrangements. and this morning, as an added precaution, i gave her additional medication before leaving for work. it was to calm her down as i was worried that she might get anxious once i leave for work. i knew it was gonna be tricky as she had gotten used to the elderly rehab routine over the past 2-over months. and immediately once i drove out, she called me and asked me if i have informed the rehab center that she would not be going there, and not too long after, she called me again asking me if i had passed the appointment card to bee, and then again, she called to remind me of... yup, she called me quite a couple of times. and i could sense her anxiety. i had to assure her that i had overseen all the arrangements and would be back after lunch to ensure all the nitty gritty arrangements are done (not that there was any in the first place)...

the morning passed by uneventfully and my meeting went on without any calls from her. i came home immediately after the meeting and sensed something amissed once i entered the house. she was not in the living room. i called out to her and there was no response. walked towards her room and sure enough, she had locked herself in her own room. i knocked on the door and called out to her. she opened the door. she looked frightened and expressed her relief that i had returned. she said she had locked herself in her own room as she was very scared. she was afraid that bee would bring "people" home to harm her... really, she looked extremely frightened. petrified to be exact. her face was all pale... and she kept repeating that she felt so happy to see me. i calmed her down. i decided that i should change my appointment date and instead bring her to the hospital instead...

sighs...

thank you

just had this very interesting conversation with bryan. told him about how i always get scolding from my boss. and his response was that everytime my boss scolds, i should visualize him exhausting his karma. and i should say thank you and do it again in my heart. this way, more good things will come and i will be happy.

interesting thoughts!

:-)

ps: actually whenever he scolds me, i do at times end up thanking him for giving me guidance... haha... funny rite? "yes sir! thank you for f-ing me!"

sorry

sorry seems to be the hardest word. yup, to most people it is. and so, when i get apologies from people, i usually accept it and move on. reflecting, i am at a stage in life where i hardly have any anger left, especially when it comes to people committing ernest mistakes. i mean, mistakes are mistakes after all, they are not intentional. and so, when it happens, just accept it, ask people to reflect, learn the lessons, and then move on. no point getting angry right?

just couple of weeks back, a staff of mine got into a heated exchange with a client and in the process, scolded the client. once he cooled down, he realized the blunder he had created and immediately came to me and apologized for the error in judgment and the screw up he had created. he reflected that he had said some things he shouldn't have and was willing to accept any punishments that i deemed fit. i thought about it and decided to let things be. was i weak? was i wrong not to exact a punishment? no, i did not think so. in fact, i told him to reflect on his actions, and learn the lessons from there. i told him that i do not fault him nor do i want to put blame on him. instead, i told him that when there is an element of anger, logic doesn't exist. he had allowed himself to be controlled by his emotions, and he shouldn't have. i concluded that i wouldn't be able to solve anything even if i were to punish him, what more when he got into the situation trying to solve a problem. he was just trying to do his work and in the process allowed his emotions to control him. i let the matter rest after talking to him. i had to face the client to settle the issue. i half suspect that he probably felt worst off when i did not even chide him/ punish him.

today, out of no where, i got an apology from a friend. that he had been careless with his phone. that he had inadvertently allowed our sms conversation to be seen by a common friend. and this conversation was about this common friend of ours, and where i had shared my thoughts about him. again, to me, this was a non-issue. he did not do it intentionally so where is the blame? i take responsibilities for the words uttered by me and i stood by it. i did not lie and neither did i fabricate any details. and since our conversation got out, so be it. i told my friend to let things be. que sera sera, whatever will be will be. perhaps it is best that my thoughts are out in the open. i will leave things be. if anything, i have to reflect on myself. if i had not shared my thoughts so flagrantly, this conversation and my thoughts wouldn't have come out to the open. it's really back to the most fundamental concept of cause and effect, i say and so i reap. karma.

sorry. yes, it is the hardest word especially if you have to utter it out. it takes a lot of effort, courage and conviction to say it out, and to do it sincerely and wholeheartedly. but it is worth every bit of the effort for it unloads you of your emotional and psychological tensions. yes, it is a healthy thing to be able to accept the mistake, take responsibility for it and apologize. and when you are at the recieving end of the apology, it is also equally important to take it graciously, reflect upon it and learn from it cos ultimately, a lot of such issues starts from you yourself.

ok, better stop here... not sure if i am making sense anymore...

ps: the youtube video probably has nothing to do with the post, but i thought the song sound nice and i kinda like the choreography...

no interest

i am getting very bored and unmotivated with work. things at work no longer interest me. and it has reached a state whereby i do not look forward to going to work. in fact, i do not look forward to anything related to work.

things are so meaningless to me now. regardless of how much effort i put in, i always end up getting scolded by my big boss. sometimes, i wonder why I even bother to put in any effort at all.

really don't feel motivated at all...

shopping

been bringing mum out almost every evening for the pass 2 fortnights. and yesterday, bought her 3 pairs of pants and can see she's happy. her moods have stabilized somewhat too.

:-)

alone

one can feel so dejected, lonely and helpless when everyone in the family choose to take the self-centric stance and not partake in the responsibility of caring for the parent, choosing instead to push the responsibility to you...

that is how i am feeling now. sighs. well, i guess life must carry on, cannot allow this ball to drop. the thoughts of resigning, selling my house and rebalancing everything in my life so that i can meet the demands of looking after mum did occur to me. but for now, push on... hold on...

sick?

never liked this feeling of wanting to fall sick but not sick. been like that for the last 2 weeks. well, ok to be accurate, actually fell sick last week, but pushed on. this week today, my throat started feeling grainy and i started coughing. this is likely to be the start of a bad bout of flu...

sighs...

i wanna dance with somebody

a big figure when i was in my uni days. we would scream like crazy when we hear this song. it was just that big amongst uni undergrads back in 1987!

:-)

your love is my love

a very memorable song... reminds me a lot about james... one of the many songs that would play in the car whenever we head out to town. reminded of this song when we lost whitney.

rest in peace whitney...

掌聲響起

掌聲響起, such a beautiful song. 鳳飛飛 was such a huge part of my growing up years. with her passing, we have lost another huge entertainment personality. and admittedly, i teared when i watched the 2-hour special produced to commemorate her close relationship with us, singaporean fans/ followers. to many of us, her unassuming girl-next-door image was really so different from the rest of the other "stars".

and i was glad they played this song at the end of the 2-hour show. it really gave the song so much so much more meaning.

don't know about you, but i will miss her.

:'(

black

as per sunday routine, went marketing and bought groceries to prepare for the day's meals. came home, did all the cleaning and cutting of the vegetables and stuff. decided to take a nap before i cook lunch.

when i got up, i noted mum had sliced the fishes and marinated it. reminded her that she should let me do the preparations and housework in future. and i went about frying it. i made sure i heat the wok well. certainly didn't want the fishes to stick to the surface... splish splash the oil flew as i lowered the fishes. left it for a minute to let it cook. but when i wanted to turn over the fishes, i had problems. they were both stuck to the surface. damned! must have been the wok. should have heated it longer, i blamed myself. after some difficulties, i managed to turn the first fish over, but the skin got torn in the process. sighs... what an ugly looking fish for lunch. no choice. when i tried to turn the second fish, i noted the skin had turned black! wah! wtf! how the hell could that happened? first it was torn skin, then it was torn and black skin! i decided i shan't attempt to get them to be golden brown. hurriedly, i removed both fishes from the wok.

placed the fishes on a plate and took them out to the dining table. and then i noticed my container of sugar on the table... my immediate suspicion, and confirmed by my mum, was that she had marinated the fish with sugar instead of salt! ha ha... that explained the burned look. the sugar was caramelized by the hot wok!

we ended up eating ugly looking (but still cooked) fishes for lunch (and fried vegetables of cos).

sighs...

ps: you know you have surpassed your mum and that your mum is way way way over the hill when you can cook and prepare things better and in a more coherent way than her.

white

when one grows old, the hair follicles' abilities to produce melanin drops... and the hair turns white... and i noticed this in dogs too... sapphie's fur has gradually turned whitish in recent years and her face now has a silvery tint. yup... white... colour of age...

and...

i realized i got a white eye brow hair 2 days ago...

doh!

wtf!

if this goes on, i will probably end up looking like some kungfu master... thick white eye brows... woooah! hahahahahahahahahaha!

office politics

i hate office politics. and i hate senior people who announce despicable things they do like as though it is the best thing in the world... what they did not know is that by announcing such things, it reflects more on themselves than anything else...

shame of them...

letting go 4

if you really love yourself, let him go...

make sense?... to me, it makes perfect sense...

letting go 3

if you really love someone, let him go...

very hard to reconcile right? one cannot fathom the wisdom of this sentence until one really experienced it.

letting go 2

for my second reflection, it is about another friend. and he cannot let go of his past.

the thing about our past is this - it can either energize us or it can haunt us. but when things come to an end, move on. regardless of whatever good, bad, happiness, hurt or whatever, they all belong to the past. move on. let go. we should not constantly try to live in the past. neither should we try to forget them. the thing about trying to forget things is that we end up remembering them. and our mind has this habit of romanticising things (even though we do not admit it) when we think about our past.

factually, the person we had loved before is not the same person today although physically, he may seemed so. the law of relativity applies even in this context. nothing stays constant. for now, we need to accept the present, acknowledge the past, learn from it, appreciate the lessons learnt, accept the finale, and look towards the future. and as for the person in our memory, we should put him in a corner of our heart, thank him for the common journey that he had accompanied us through before, and simply, keep him there. nice and warm. by simply accepting and keeping the memory in a nice warm corner of our heart, whatever misforgivings or hurt we have experienced disappears and what remains is a sweet warm glow. well, at times, we may even think back and laugh at ourselves. i know, cos i have been there, and done that.

and i am still doing it... old habits die hard. haha...

but what's important is - let go.

again, i know, for i have done that.

ps: don't yearn for closures... once people decide to move on, they move on. whatever closures you want, only you can close it yourself. not others.

letting go 1

i have a friend who had just suffered a loss. the loss of a very dear ex.

the loss occurred yesterday. and this friend is finding it difficult to handle right now. it seemed like there are elements of guilt, there are elements of self-blame, and so on. and i totally understand how he feels. the suddenness, the rawness, it can be very overwhelming. i feel his pains when i read his blog.

i have nothing to offer except some advise. advise for him to accept it and to try and see things from a different perspective. guilt, self-blame, etc is natural but is not healthy. then again, when one is overwhelmed by emotions, everything becomes a blur. most importantly, as one mourns, one must also recognize and accept that death is a fact as much as life is. but as we mourn, we must not romanticize, sensationalize nor impose a sense of guilt upon ourselves. we must consciously remind ourselves to move on after we mourn.

it is very difficult to accept things when death comes aknocking, more so when we feel it is premature. but what else can we do? in such a difficult situation, we have no choice but to try and see things from a different perspective. and i suggest - that although the physical self is no longer around, the person lives on in our minds and hearts. and in there, he will forever remain the person we loved so dearly. and this love will forever stay in our hearts. this, perhaps, is the perspective that would help us cope better when it comes to departures. yes, love is the only way to defeat death. with love, death has no place in our hearts.

when departures are forced onto us, we must all the more celebrate the person's life. for he had lived, he had experienced health, he had experienced sickness, he had experienced happiness, and he had experienced sadness. in short, he had experienced the richness of life. what more can we asked for for a person right? we should celebrate his life. we should accept his departure and let his departure teach us to live the moment, appreciate the people around us and live our lives meaningfully.

that would be the best gift we can give to the one who had passed on.

let go.

for now, my friend, stay strong.

leap year

i just wanna go through the motion to do a leap year entry now. afterall, we only get to do such an entry once every 4 years rite?

haha!

:-)

vroom vroom vroom

here's something i cannot understand. it's about people who drive sports car. yup, sports car - those ferrari, lamborghini, and what have yous type of sports car. why would anyone want to drive a sports car in singapore?!?!?!?! really don't understand! come on, it's singapore! a tiny teeny weensy little red dot... an island so small that if you drive too fast, you might end up driving into the sea! that kinda small!!!

anyway, here's something that i always encounter (as i did today)! was driving along bedok road earlier this evening and i heard this low rumbling vroom vroom vroom behind me, i looked into my rear view mirror and saw this super low-profile white sports car weaving dangerously between the cars behind me. we were on a one lane road. but it was the kinda one lane that was wide enough for 2 cars to squeeze kinda one lane. and soon enough, the white sports car zipped closely passed me. and even before it cleared my front, it cut in and tried to overtake the next car in front. vroom vroom vroommmm, the driver pressed his oil as he did so. a lambo i noted. wtf! i shouted in my head. but before we could all say "the", the traffic light in front turned red. mr lambo made an e-brake! eeeeeeee! in no time, every father mother son (including me) caught up with mr lambo. vroom vroom vroom, the driver revved... once the light turned green, vroommmmm!!! off mr lambo went. but before we could even say "the" again, the next traffic light turned red. mr lambo screeched to a sudden halt again. and in no time, all we father mother sons caught up with him. again, he went vroom vroom vroommmm... and again, when the light turned green, vroooooommmm off mr lambo went. and again, before we could say "the" again, the next traffic light turned red... doh!

this whole sequence repeated a couple of times. and i seriously believed all we father mother sons (and some daughters i was sure) were giggling our heads off as we "slowly" take our time and drive up to mr lambo...

really, if you are in malaysia, or some continental country like europe or the states, i could understand why you drive a sports car. but in this little red dot? hmmm... buying a sports car could instead make one look damned one helluva f-ing stupid! (and worst of all, they probably thought they look damned seh-bin aka sark aka ya ya aka atas aka rich/ high class)

no?

incontinence

i have never mopped so much in my life. these days, i mop the floor almost daily. sometimes, at least 3-4 times a day. no choice cos my mum has incontinence and she literally pees all over the floor... (she wears the sarong and...)

just today, the whole house was full of urine smell. and i had to turn the house upside down after bringing her to the dentist and cleaned everything from the bedsheet, to the floor rug, mattress, mattress cover, floor, etc. and it was so nice to have the sun fully out today too. managed to sun the stuff and by afternoon, i managed to get all the urine smell out.

and this evening, just as i was about to head downstairs for a brisk walk after watching tv, i found the floor full of urine again... and to make things worst, she didn't realized she had wet the floor and went to bed in her urine-soaked sarong...

sighs...

endless sleep

i was so dead beat by the time i came back from my team building event on sat. and i slept real well that night... in fact, i slept at about 10.30pm and apart from waking up for my pee, quick bites and drinks, and medication, i was literally asleep throughout the whole of sunday!

i decided i should sleep my way through cos mum went cranky again first thing when i woke up sunday morning and it was such a bad lousy episode, i lost my temper! i gave her a good lecture and decided it was not worth wasting my energy on her and decided i should just ignore her and headed to bed.

and i slept and slept and slept and slept...

did not wake up until close to 9pm on sunday...

and by 1030pm, i was asleep again!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

felt really refreshed on monday morning!

:-)

building teams

had a bad flu on fri. and on sat, went for my unit's team building event. one full day including half a day in the hot sun playing team bonding games. by the time we ended, i was almost half dead... then again, managed to push on and pushed through till dinner.

so dead tired when i came home. but it was a good event. really productive and really good. was glad everyone enjoyed themselves. now that teambuilding has ended, the real work starts...

lots of discussions to come...

target setting... objectives, kpis, la la la...

heh heh...

:-)

mc

i never learn! always see doctor late afternoon... then get mc for the day.

haha!

anyway, had been feeling kinda out these last 2 days. and today, it was really bad. decided to detour the clinic while on way for a meeting. fever. sore throat. body aches. cough. runny nose. nausea. in short - flu. must be the freaking weather! (yup, always blame on the weather if you cannot pinpoint the real cause of the issue). but it was good. came home and managed to catch half hour of sleep. really refreshed now although i am still feeling the bad throat.

:-)

birthing the diamond!

(warning: this post may sound a little crude to some. if you are offended by references to the male sexual organ, please stop here, else read on)

woke up this morning and i headed to the toilet to pee. stood there drowsily as i pee. suddenly, i felt an internal "tut" and my pee flow stopped. felt a rude pain at the base of my (short of a better word) cock. ok, urethra (technically, the start of the urethra would be further in). all my drowsiness disappeared that very moment. my first thoughts was to push. but there was just not enough pee to push. whatever was there had blocked the urethra. used my finger to lightly press the part that felt pain and noted a hard object inside. and it (as in my cock) felt very tender there, as in pain-pain-tender, and not the erotic-tender-tender. in that state of mind, there was not a single erotic feel. the hard object was stuck and blocking further urine from coming out! thankfully, i had just peed an hour before and the amount of urine was not much... cannot imagine how i would have suffered if i was actively pushing the urine out! also, i was not hard (as in morning wood)... if i had been hard, it would have been a bloody event! eeeeee...

ok, back to the experience... yes! i knew it! it must be the diamond! it must be coming out and kenah stuck along the way! my instinct told me to relax, drink more water and wait. i proceeded to read my morning papers. and soon enough, the urge to pee came again. but i was a little hesitant. i have heard of horror stories about how the stone would scrape through the urethra and emerge with a "plop!" and the awful and painful aftermath! it reminded me of how i suffered when i went for my bladder scan 2 years back and the )&*^$&%* burning sensation that followed after the scan. it was just that unbearable! but i knew i was at the point of no return. push it out or hold my urine till i explode! hahaha...

obviously, i had no choice. this time round, i decided i would not pee into the toilet bowl. decided i should do it in my bathtub. i wanted to collect the diamond. you cannot imagine the anticipation of the pain as i slowly tried to pee. i had imagined the searing pain as it cuts through the urethra and at the moment, the whole control of peeing, the efforts to tense and relax my bladder was most agonising. i was trying to minimise any possible feel of a sharp-edged crystal cutting my inside as i push the diamond out. if i had not controlled my bladder consciously, it would be no different from having a dam burst and the pressure of the whole reservoir of water exerted at a single point of exit. only that in my case, the pressure would push a crystal which in turn would cut my inside! i controlled and controlled and controlled, expecting to have the diamond emerge first.... instead, i was surprised when i see drops of urine appearing. i give it a little more push and next thing i knew... a grey piece of thing dropped onto the bathtub.

the diamond had been birthed!

hahahaha... i felt a sudden feel of relief. it felt so very very good. quickly, i finish my peeing and picked up the diamond. it looked huge (comparatively speaking), compared to the hole it emerged from. and huge for the fact that it had stayed in my ureter for a couple of months, scrapped through it and caused a whole lot of internal bleeding, and then stayed in my bladder and decided to come out today!

whew!

my second scan was supposed to occur next week... wondered if i should proceed... hmmmm, then again, perhaps i should just go through it and check if the other previously reported diamonds inside are growing... i feel so relieved now. from the spate of horrible things that kept on happening over the last couple of months, what happened this morning could only be a sign of more good things to come!

:-)

ps: bee said it looked more like nose dirt rather than diamonds... i totally agree! only that it is rock hard! haha!

life's blessings

after reading what sharks wrote, it made me reflect a little bit about what i have written. perhaps things have sounded a tat too depressing (not that it hasn't), but i have been reminded that i have forgotten to also count my blessings (thanks sharks!).

and talking about it, it also reminded me of a story i read in that monk's book. in it, he shared about how many years ago, he had built a wall and in the process, tried so hard to align the bricks on the wall he built. and after laying about a 1000 bricks and finally completing the wall, he found that there were 2 bricks out of alignment. he wanted to demolish the wall for he was highly disappointed about it. he felt the wall was imperfect. the high monk refused and did not allow him to do so. from then on, he learnt to avoid the wall cos whenever he saw the wall, he was reminded of the 2 ugly out-of-alignment bricks. and that reminded him about his dislike for it. it was until one day when someone commented how good the wall looked. he was surprised and he pointed out to the person that there were 2 misaligned bricks. that person did not even noticed it... this experience made him realized that in focusing on the 2 bad bricks, he had failed to appreciate the 998 good bricks. and from this simple story, the monk reflected how we had often focused on a little problem and fail to see all the good things around us. yup... there are a whole lot of good things around us. we just need to open our eyes and re-discover it. so, for me, here goes...

i supposed that despite all the problems that i have with my mum, her presence had also made me realize how much i love her. she gave birth to me, brought me up to her best abilities and in the process, taught me how to love, how to be compassionate, and life's basic skills - cooking, ironing, sewing, etc... (i only wished she had taught me more patience... haha). and of cos, within her means, she provided for me, put me through a good education and gave me a good start in life. i may not be rich materially, but i am ahead of many people. and i have to thank her for it.

and with this, i need to constantly remind myself that i have to fulfil my dutiful obligations as a son to look after her now that she is old and frail. my mum is but one of the many blessings i have in life. there are many others. for example, bee, friends (online and real), my dog (!), my home, my job, colleagues, etc... all these are also blessings! indeed, life's blessings are often not obvious and we often too preoccupied by our own self-centric thoughts to notice them. and when i see them that way, indeed, life is good.

:-)

my mission

despite having the words "be happy" blazing at the top of my blog, i have time and again allowed myself to become unhappy. indeed, these 2 words are so profound that to be able to achieve it requires a lot of efforts... also, it is easy to make people happy but to make oneself happy is one helluva difficult.

i need to try harder to achieve it! or perhaps, i should just screw it... and don't try too hard to be happy... and i'll be happy...

do i make sense?

crazy!

picture from http://www.caribdirect.com/2011/11/06/life-sucks-episode-3-%E2%80%93-no-love-no-luck/

fall

was so tired last night after clearing a report at 1am. and then i heard a "kaboomz" coming from my mum's room. felt something was not right and went over. opened the door and saw her spralled on the floor. she had a fall. helped her up. learned from her that she felt warm and wanted to take a shower, got up from bed and lost her balance. she seemed ok. told me to go to bed, which i did. she proceeded to have her shower by herself.

woke up earlier this morning as i had to conduct a course. saw my mum lying on the sofa and she was complaining of bad pains. asked to go to hospital. tried to get her to sit up but she couldn't. pain was too excruciating. i had to activate an ambulance in the end. as it was a non-emergency case, i called 1777. had to wait for an hour or so... in that hour of waiting. informed my brother, sisters etc. and next thing i know, i got a long string of smses from my brother scolding me for not taking care of my mum, and that he would hold me accountable if she dies, just like how i had to shoulder the blame for my dad's passing (for the record, he died of liver cancer), la la la... this hostility came out of no where. wasn't prepared for it. reminded me of how he hurled abuses at me once over a request to talk to my late dad.

despite being rather pissed off, i did not retaliate. instead, i asked him how i could improve my taking care of mum. and he couldn't answer. i was so sure he couldn't as it was precisely becos he gave up on mum that she ended up with me. anyway, he went something like, "let me tell you straight, you better take good care...". it went on for a few more smses. i did not know where he was coming from and didn't know how to respond other than "ok". and i asked him again, "if i had fallen short anywhere, please tell me where so i can improve". again, he couldn't answer. and i said - you should know the issues involved when it comes to taking care of mum - i wanted to remind him that taking care of an elderly who cannot think logically and who always says imaginary things to hurt people and relationship may not be the best thing to do. (i was hinting to him that he himself couldn't take her nonsense and wanted to get her out of his house into the mental asylum after she accused his wife of wanting to kill her, etc). he simply ignored me and told me he wanted to get back to work. we ended the conversation there.

my only guess was that he believed all the nonsensical things my mum told him. and god knows what kinda of false things my mum said (although i roughly can second guessed already - they must be things such as bee want to take the house from me, bee wanna harm her, bee's mother is after my wealth, etc). to put things straight, i will be very happy if someone can take over my house, at least, i will not need to foot that huge monthly loans, also i am living hand to mouth, house loan, car loan, mum's hefty medical bills, other bills, etc what kinda fucking wealth do i have? i cannot even afford to go for a holiday, not that i have been to one proper holiday for the last 3 years! damned!

very regretful indeed that a person at such age do not have the ability nor wisdom to think straight and cultivate harmony amongst her own children. very regretful to have someone who has been so consumed by her own past that she victimises everyone who takes care of her in the present day with her nonsense. no different from my dad when he was alive. all the family squabbles, misunderstandings, fights, etc were all becos the two of them say things without second thoughts of consequences. and worst still, either say things that are not true or say things to deliberately create a strife between thier children. if i can pinpoint a single reason about why me and my 3 other siblings all do not have good relationships, i would place them squarely on my parents. but i have to accept and move on. no point blaming. but certainly, to keep getting these kinda verbal abuses from my brother and all the nonsensical paranoia and drama from my mum is terrible. it is very very draining.

and i am feeling very very tired.

anyway, the ambulance came, mum got to the hospital, given painkillers, did some blood tests, x rays, etc... found to have injured and possibly broken her ribs. given painkillers and sent home.

tense

was discussing about work with my staff at about 5pm when i got a call from a training site about a training accident... sighs... got me busy for the whole evening and by the time all the things were settled it was about 1plus am. so tired. but well, i thought we handled it ok. the family came down from up north and were very appreciative of all the help we rendered.

the challenging part is now the post-aar, investigations, etc... additional admin work needed.

well... too many things have happened at workplace this year. not accidents per se. but issues related to health, hospitalizations (kidney stones, blood clot in brain, broken leg, etc), etc... and i think my staff now feel somewhat uneasy. perhaps it is time to do some prayers to ease the tensed up spirits...

missing diamonds

have been referring to my kidney stones as diamonds. heh heh... anyway, went for the review yesterday and was told that it had moved from the ureter downwards. initially the doctor thought it had been ejected from my system but when i told him i still feel the aches and, as recent as last weekend, had blood globules in my urine, he got worried. he explained that it only meant the stone was still inside and was probably somewhere between where it was last seen (midway along the ureter) and the bladder. and becos that area is located within the hip bone areas, the stones could possibly be hidden from the x-ray...

cut the long story short, i have to go for another ct scan in 2 weeks and to head back for another review in march before he can decide what to do. he added that if indeed the stone is found to be still inside, he might have to do an op. and, and, and he added, hopefully in these additional couple of weeks, the stone would move further and get out of my system... so for now, to avoid tea, salt, food rich in oxalates, and drink lots of water.

to be continued...

picture from http://www.keirfinejewellery.com/canadian-diamonds/

u are?

yesterday, i finally experienced and understood the full effect of the depression medication i have been taking. i brought my mum to the clinic for a review. the review came 3 days after i brought her to the a&e last week for incontinence.

at the clinic, i walked into the doctor's consultation room, and i passed her the memo. and she asked me why i was there and i stood there with a totally blank mind. for the longest moment, i couldn't remember why i was there. i literally stood and stared into the blank space. and just like a school boy taking his exam unprepared, i tried very hard to take a peek at the memo to see what the a&e doctor wrote... and my eyes caught the word "incontinence". then, everything came back.

it was a scary experience. it felt like my memory was totally wiped away. and for that moment, i fully understood what my mum meant when she said she couldn't remember things. and it could be as simple as what she ate 2 hours before...

bin with a hole

it was an interesting morning. in fact, it had been an interesting few days cos of late, i recieved no less than 2-3 emails asking if i could help the author solve some of his life's issues, relationship issues, that is. i decided to write something about it now cos today's mail was extra interesting. it came from out of nowhere and what's interesting was that this person actually used his name (it didn't come across as a pseudonym compared to previous ones) and stated that he had been referred to me by a friend. how interesting right?

well, i took it as a compliment. really. compliment for that fact that someone out there felt i was worth the effort to seek advise from. and for that, i thought i should reply the mail. but i was conscious of the fact that my sharing was but my perspective of things. might not be the best answer nor an answer that he wanted to hear. but a perspective still...

told thomas about it this afternoon and he told me to delete all such mails cos i have problems of my own. he was concerned that by reading other people's problems, i might end up feeling even more scarred/ traumatised. but i disagree. i might have my problems, but certainly, to be able to help someone is an honour and that is something i, as a buddhist, cannot not do. if there is one thing i must do in life, it would be to lent help to people who need them. and coincidentally, i happened to be reading a book by a renowned monk about how to open one's heart to happiness and in it, he shared about how monks manage themselves when they counsel people with problems and issues. he liken themselves as bins, recieving all the problems and issues from people and the way they manage it was to be a bin with a hole at the bottom. accept the problems and issues (that people wanna throw out of their lives) and let it out immediately.

and that is probably what i should learn to be - a bin with a hole at the bottom.

valentines

with the right attitude, everyday can be a valentines day. need not celebrate love only on one single day of the year. looking at it from another perspective, it is quite sad. sad that we have to remind ourselves that we need to celebrate love. and for those with no partners, the deliberate dedication of a single day of the year in celebration of love accentuates the feelings of loneliness and despression... no?

well, we can argue all we want, but end of it all, i supposed it depends on how much value we give to this day itself. if you see if as important, and value it from the perspective of partner-love (short of a better word), it can either make you very excited (if you are attached) or very depressed (if you are not attached). for the former, you are likely to fall victim to the commercialisation of love. or you can reframe "love" in a more liberal way and value this day it as a celebration of love in general, including brotherly love, motherly love, friendship, etc, then it is really a joyous day. and if you really do not even give a damn about it, you can just join in the fun and waste your money on food and flowers (yup, it is the effect of commercialising the concept of love), or you can simply just relax, and have a nice happy day, just like any other day of the year... and that is exactly what i am doing now... nice simple evening watching mindless tv, no stress and eating my zichar dinner.

happy valentines to one and all...

ps: and i know valentines day food can be very lousy cos we had the experience of wanting to celebrate this day some many years back by going to an expensive restaurant and we end up like many many other couples eating lousy overcooked steak with lousy badly cooked sauce becos the kitchen cannot cope with so many (stupid) couples and decided to only serve fixed valentines day set menu...

pps: and of course, i really feel this day is way too commercialized... just like how all traditional festivals feel to me now, just look at christmas, halloween, chinese new year, mooncake festival, etc... things are getting shallower by the days/ years. sighs...

picture from http://www.trulymadlydeeply.biz/cscart/confetti/valentines-day/

sunday nite rantings

weekend is ending. and i am now sitting in bed blogging. simple weekend that came and went without much excitement. here's some of the more lame/ interesting/ mundane (whatever...) things that occurred over the last 2 days...

(1) mum went a bit cranky again. out of no where, she started suspecting bee was out to harm her again. and she said i have to do my chanting when i go out with him. and when i told her he is also buddhist, she said the buddha he prayed to is a fake buddha... she even claimed bee's mum came to the house. hmmm... i increased her medication dosage after she said all these things...

(2) did more than 3 times of mopping the house this weekend. twice yesterday, part routine, part re-do cos i felt the floor was a little more dirty than usual. and mum peed all over the floor again today. so... third round.

(3) weekend with the most laundry done. 5 times. 2 loads of laundry, 2 loads of floor rugs - from the bedroom and the kitchen, 1 load of bedsheets, comforter cover, pillow and bolster cases. whew! my water bills is gonna shoot up like crazy!

(4) went out for dinner yesterday (see 5) after giving mum her medication (see 1). bought a pair of nice work shoes. not often do i walk into a shoe shop, see one pair that i actually like, and yet is able to fit my othortics. decided to buy it on the spot. fastest ever for me shoe shopping for me. nice!

(5) had ajisen ramen for dinner after buying shoes (see 4). for reasons beyond us, although we knew ajimen serves lousy quality ramen, we still walked in. and when the ramen came, we complained that it was bad. the egg yolks were overcooked! the soup was not oomphy, the... we were expressedly comparing it with marutama ramen. hmmm... nice soft tamago yolk and fragrant rich pork/ chicken broth boiled for many hours to perfection and springy ramen! hmmm... ok, back to ajimen... errrmmm, whatever! still, it was a break away from mum.

(6) during the ajisen ramen dinner (see 5), we were seated beside this malaysian couple and their lady friend. they were clearly malaysians from their heavy accented mandarin mixed with malaysian cantonese and splattering of english (not making fun, but that that is how all malaysians i know speak). it was the guy's birthday. and frankly, (not that i am bitchy), i thought the guy looked decent enough, but the girlfriend looked boomz!*#@&% (short of a better word). she was the direct opposite of him in all sense. he was nice and lean, she was not nice (in fact, fugly) and fat, he was tall (enough), she was short, la la la... but ok, it was really sweet of her to get him a small birthday cake and sang him the birthday song. and he was very spotting. he gave her a peck on her cheek and posed for a photo. and he actually closed his eyes and looked damned serious as he made a very long 45sec wish. wooooo... everyone of us seated around their table were literally rolling our eyes! but it was entertaining.

(7) gave my doggie a bath... been 2 weeks. but surprisingly she didn't smell. but still, i thought it would be nice to give her a bath. and aiyoh, this dog, very gu-niang (well, it's a "she" afterall), scared stiff of cold water, whimpered when she felt the water was a little too cold for her. needed warm water... and at the right temperature too...

(8) finally cleared all the mandarin oranges on the table. last 2. one for mum and one for doggie... yes, they both love mandarin oranges. 2 old women, both with similar likings!

(9) last 2 days before my kidney/ urinary tract check-up tomorrow. had to take the special medication that was supposed to help "light up" the stone tomorrow when i go for x-ray. let's see how things go tomorrow! (for some strange reasons, i really hope i will be warded tomorrow)

(10) went for a 10min swim in my condo pool, cleared my fridge and organized mum's medications, also, organized my own medications, washed the toilets, cleaned the kitchen sink, cleared my car boot, got my finger caught and badly bruised when my car boot closed and banged onto it (ouch!), felt sad that whitney kicked the bucket, surfed the net, surfed porn, read the latest gossips in in the local gay scene, blogged, switched off my phone after getting sms asking for contacts, la la la...

ok, enough of rantings on a lazy sunday evening. i need to stop now and get myself into the mood of sleeping...

good night!

desperately borrowing money

in jun last year, i wrote about this college mate of mine who, over a span of 2 years, kept calling me to lend her cash. and each time she contacted me, she gave all sorts of stories as to why she needed help. eventually, sometime mid-last year, despite some difficulties, i decided to lend a helping hand. and after helping her, her smses came in one after another asking for more and more cash, and all the smses were laden with phrases that reeked of emotional blackmail. ultimately, i decided to stop responding.

from the conversations and smses, i concluded she is a hopeless gambling addict who, for the sake of gambling, had sold off her house and investments, borrowed heavily from relatives and loan sharks, etc. she has been on the run from our local loan sharks and has gone into hiding in macau since mid-last year.

two months back, she sent me another bout of smses from macau asking for money again. one of the sms started with something about being compassionate and helping her is more noble than building a pagoda (a commonly used chinese phrase)... i ignored her. i suspected she has not shaken off that habit and was trying her luck at the casinos there.

some weeks later, she smsed me again saying that she was about to jump off a building and that only i could save her by transferring cash into her bank account. i ignored all these smses but i felt very uneasy. what if she really jump? i would have been guilty of causing her death. the objective part of me told me to switch off my phone and ignore her. for a few days after that sms, i kept a lookout in the papers for news about a singaporean woman committing suicide in macau. there wasn't any. her smses stopped too.

and these couple of weeks, her smses started coming in again. and consistently, there were elements of emotional blackmailing. i did not respond as usual. this morning, she smsed me again asking me to pass her the contact number of one of our college mate. and she added that she was suffering out in the cold with no place to go (9 degrees she added). again, i ignored her. i cannot imagine putting another of my college mate through the same ordeal that i went through.

it is getting a tat too irritating for me and i almost wanted to tell her how disappointed i was in her and how she had abused our friendship and my trust in her. then again, i thought it might be better to just ignore her and let her continue to dwell in her cycle of sufferings. i cannot help her unless she help herself. my heart felt heavy previously whenever i ignored her. but now, somehow, it had been hardened. sad.

sighs...

how would you react if you were me?

ps: i am resigned to the fact that the large amount i lent her would probably not come back to me but i guess money lost can be earned back over time. just take it as a bad investment.

picture from http://www.123rf.com/photo_10203784_singapore-money-in-a-jar-symbol-of-savings-money-isolated-on-white-background.html

my country, my home

something that is makes one feel a certain sense of patriotic pride, yet without the feel of the government at the back.

excellent video!

blood again

it has been 2 months since i was hospitalized for stones in my ureter and kidneys and i am due for a review this monday. the 2 months was to allow the stones to move and hopefully to be discharged out of my system. but certainly, from my intermittent experience of achy back over the last 2 months, i am very sure the stones are still inside.

just yesterday, the achy pain hit me again. it was not excruciating per se. just a dull achy pain behind my left waist... my suspicion was that the stone has moved a little. it didn't really bother me cos i had had this pain on and off all too often. but today, something happened.

despite drinking lots of water, i had been feeling dehydrated of late, especially today. and when i went to pee this afternoon, my urine was orangy in colour and i noticed globules of blood all over... hmmmm... blood in urine. a sure sign that the stone had moved and probably had scrapped the urinary tract. well, i didn't panic, i had worst experiences before. just need to drink more water...

the review is this coming monday. let's see how things go...

ps: how to feel young and cute when your body is telling you "harlow! it's breaking down time!"! ha!

interview

finally, went for an interview with a headhunter this week. it was an interesting experience and all happened too fast. but it was kinda fun cos i went with no expectations and i was very relaxed. no expectations, no stress... well, ok ok, a bit of stress. but well under controlled compared to my last round of job search. at least this time round, i was not looking for a job per se. they looked for me instead... so...

well, the interview lasted almost a one hour and it was non-stop answering of questions. and i just yak yak yak and chat my way through. the mood was relax, i was able to joke and share what they wanted to know along the way. of cos, the questions posed were rather tough but given the fact that the questions were all targeted at what i was doing, i simply answered them with my heart and i thought i answered them well enough.

i supposed my 2 years of almost non-stop interviewing of candidates for my office prepared me well, notwithstanding the fact that i was on the interviewee end this time round.

let's see how things go...

:-)

y&c

some of my fellow bloggers started this young and cute thingee. and my dear friend tuls even proclaimed that february be called the young and cute month! heh heh... tuls went onto his promoter mode and urge everyone to feel young and cute...

well, generally i agree with all he wrote. he mentioned about 16 or 61 (or 69) is but a number. regardless of age, everyone can feel young. nice line... but i noted one glaring thing - he missed out the cute part in this line! hahaha... i am sure that 61, no one will ever feel cute! and for me, even at 45 going 46, i do not feel cute. and worst still, i definitely cannot imagine me dressing cute! hahahaha... so bloody salah isn't it?

:-)

but yup, i totally understand what he was trying to say.

if i were to reframe the whole y&c thingee, i would say - being young and cute is about how one loves oneself and can live life to the fullest. cos when one can do so, one will be able to feel the energy of youth (regardless of age) and exude charm (the perenial/ mature version of "cute").

ps: then again, at 61, the definition of cute would probably be - "ugly but adorable"! no?

sniffles

cough cough, sniff sniff... ahhhhhh... chooooooo!

damned! it's here again!

:-(

declaring 302

was reading a local glbt forum and a guy posted his concerns about declaring his sexuality when he went for his ns (national service) call-up medical check-up... or rather, this guy had declared (his sexuality), but he was worried how they would treat him. there were quite a few replies and many of them were spouting nonsense and allegations that were either unfounded or bitchy.

thought they were not useful and counter to what this poor chap had wanted to know/ find out when he posted his queries in the forum. so, i sent him a personal message. i thought i should make it sound as objective as i could given that i was an ex-regular officer who had spend more than 20 years in the military (despite my bad experiences of being outed, interrogated and so on when i was in service). felt it was the right thing to do to allay the fears and apprehensions of my fellow gaymen who are awaiting enlistment. i decided to post it here cos i am also aware that there are some here who has the same questions.

:-)

this was what i wrote...

reference your posting about declaring, frankly, it is gonna be a non-affair for the armed forces if you are an nsf (national serviceman [fulltime]), i.e., conscript. many people have declared and they are required to go through their ns like anyone else. as for the talk about excusing people from whatever specific roles etc, really, it all depends on the following:

(1) whether you are effeminate. this is an important factor for them to consider (especially if you have intentions to eventually go for a sex change). generally, for people who are in the process of transition, they would be employed in non-combat roles and would not be required to stay-in. apart from protecting the servicemen from possible harrassment from their peers, it would also minimize the stress and trauma for the servicemen from having to undergo combat roles and duties (which generally are more rough and tough, and that would pose some very practical inconveniences for transitioning personnel). if you are straight-acting and medically assessed that you are comfortable with your sexuality, you would be treated no difference from any other persons and would be required to undergo the full ns. i myself know of many friends who went through even after declaring they are gay. you will unlikely be given a lower pes status (medical status) just because you declare you are homosexual.

(2) whether you are applying to be a regular (contract soldier). as a regular, you would be subjected to additional security checks and one of the areas that they would be interested be would be your sexuality. generally personnel who declare they are homosexual would not be employed (it is an unwritten rule but everyone knows about it). the reasons could include firstly, the avoidance of security concerns especially when gay people, who are closeted, would have a higher chance of being blackmailed (for classified information), or secondly, their fear that there might be a confidence issues with the organisation amongst parents if they were to find out that there are gay servicemen leading their sons. (i do not subscribe to these reasons but i do acknowledged that they exist).

hope i have shed sufficient light on the issue of homosexuality.

after sending this message, i sent a second one...

if i may add, handling homosexual servicemen is something that the saf (singapore armed forces) is still learning. when the so called directive pertaining to homosexuals was first drafted and formalized, it classified persons who declare their homosexuality into a category by itself called "302". that was in the 70s when the perception of gays was - gays = ah-guas (transvestites). to me, that was a very wrong start from the beginning. it was too simplistic and did not address the whole continuum of sexuality issues that is a fact of life - eg openly homosexuals who are out of the closet but straight-acting, homosexuals who are closeted, sexual dimorphism, transexuals, transvestites, etc... you can also read this post about the difficulties i experienced managing my staff who went for a sex change, it simply illustrated the vacuum in directives/ policies managing such cases, even for regulars. but interestingly, the key issue is not one of policy but that of people's acceptance... end of the day, it was people's acceptance or rather, non-acceptance of the individual that led to the officer leaving service...

this was made worst by some servicemen who tried to escape ns, malinger and/ or cheat the system by declaring they are transvestites with the intent to transition, get excused/ downgraded, and excused from reservist. iknew of previous cases such as these and after 2 - 2.5 years of being posted as a clerk and excused from reservist, the servicemen ord (ended his conscript time), left service, and reverted to his totally straight lifestyle. yup, you will be surprise, but there are such people in singapore.

as such, for those who declare they are homosexuals, the medical officer would have to make the assessment as to whether he needs to psychologically tested (especially when they suspect there is an intention to malinger/ cheat). otherwise, declaring of homosexuality is really a non-issue for an nsf.

lemon tea

was at a local hospital earlier and decided to drop by the cafe for a bite. there was a queue and a doctor placing her order asked: "auntie, lemon tea 有 teh 的吗?" (auntie, is there tea in the lemon tea?)

...

not sure about auntie, but i was certainly tickled by such a question...

*roll eyes*...

funny mum

mum had been going to the rehab center almost daily since 19 dec. and she has kinda grown used to the routine. these days, she calls the daily routine of going to the rehab as "going to work". and she refers to herself as the "worker", and the rehab center staffs as "executives". also, she would refer to the rehab executive (the real one) as the "supervisor"...

imagine this - when i asked her if she gave ang pows to the rehab center staff, she retorted that they should be the ones giving her ang pows instead. afterall, she is only the worker there and rightfully, "executives" should give "workers" ang pows and not the other way round....

and 2 days ago, she asked me this interesting question. she said "tomorrow, i was told the big boss is coming. but i do not know his name. but since he is my big boss, i, as the worker, should address him as 'sir' right?" and i told her, no need, you can address whichever name your rehab center staff address him as. it was clear she was uncomfortable cos she asked in disbelief "how can, i am only a worker..."

hmmm...

funny right?

cranky mum

mum had been rather cranky lately. at times, she seemed happy and chatty, and at times, she was down and ignores people. and at times when she was quiet, there was really no way to guess what really was going on in her head. but from her line of questioning these couple of days, i could somehow suspect she was trying to find ways to get out of the house.

last week, she created quite a bit of havoc at home. and after avoiding me for a couple of days, she started talking to me again last weekend. and these 2 days, she has been mumbling about how bad my brother was and how unfilial he is now. apparently she had asked him to get her back the old house (that had been rented out). but instead he replied that if she wanted it back, she must pay him 10k. it was clear she was unhappy with him for saying this. but i knew where my brother was coming from. he was just trying to get her to forget about moving back. after all her nonsense that almost wrecked his family, he is also very clear that the issue is with mum and not with anyone else.

so...

anyway, today, out of no where, mum threw an interesting line at me. she said i owe her 20k. she insisted i had owed her the money since many years back and becos there was no records, i am now acting blur... hmmm... there was really no way this could be true. in fact, i had been earning and self-sustaining since my schooldays! immediately, i knew what she was trying to do. she was trying to blackmail me to get her 20k so that she could give it to my brother in return for the old house...

it seemed like my mum is still quite insistent on moving out of my place.

is such behaviour typical of a person with dementia?

sighs...