life's blessings

after reading what sharks wrote, it made me reflect a little bit about what i have written. perhaps things have sounded a tat too depressing (not that it hasn't), but i have been reminded that i have forgotten to also count my blessings (thanks sharks!).

and talking about it, it also reminded me of a story i read in that monk's book. in it, he shared about how many years ago, he had built a wall and in the process, tried so hard to align the bricks on the wall he built. and after laying about a 1000 bricks and finally completing the wall, he found that there were 2 bricks out of alignment. he wanted to demolish the wall for he was highly disappointed about it. he felt the wall was imperfect. the high monk refused and did not allow him to do so. from then on, he learnt to avoid the wall cos whenever he saw the wall, he was reminded of the 2 ugly out-of-alignment bricks. and that reminded him about his dislike for it. it was until one day when someone commented how good the wall looked. he was surprised and he pointed out to the person that there were 2 misaligned bricks. that person did not even noticed it... this experience made him realized that in focusing on the 2 bad bricks, he had failed to appreciate the 998 good bricks. and from this simple story, the monk reflected how we had often focused on a little problem and fail to see all the good things around us. yup... there are a whole lot of good things around us. we just need to open our eyes and re-discover it. so, for me, here goes...

i supposed that despite all the problems that i have with my mum, her presence had also made me realize how much i love her. she gave birth to me, brought me up to her best abilities and in the process, taught me how to love, how to be compassionate, and life's basic skills - cooking, ironing, sewing, etc... (i only wished she had taught me more patience... haha). and of cos, within her means, she provided for me, put me through a good education and gave me a good start in life. i may not be rich materially, but i am ahead of many people. and i have to thank her for it.

and with this, i need to constantly remind myself that i have to fulfil my dutiful obligations as a son to look after her now that she is old and frail. my mum is but one of the many blessings i have in life. there are many others. for example, bee, friends (online and real), my dog (!), my home, my job, colleagues, etc... all these are also blessings! indeed, life's blessings are often not obvious and we often too preoccupied by our own self-centric thoughts to notice them. and when i see them that way, indeed, life is good.

:-)

my mission

despite having the words "be happy" blazing at the top of my blog, i have time and again allowed myself to become unhappy. indeed, these 2 words are so profound that to be able to achieve it requires a lot of efforts... also, it is easy to make people happy but to make oneself happy is one helluva difficult.

i need to try harder to achieve it! or perhaps, i should just screw it... and don't try too hard to be happy... and i'll be happy...

do i make sense?

crazy!

picture from http://www.caribdirect.com/2011/11/06/life-sucks-episode-3-%E2%80%93-no-love-no-luck/

fall

was so tired last night after clearing a report at 1am. and then i heard a "kaboomz" coming from my mum's room. felt something was not right and went over. opened the door and saw her spralled on the floor. she had a fall. helped her up. learned from her that she felt warm and wanted to take a shower, got up from bed and lost her balance. she seemed ok. told me to go to bed, which i did. she proceeded to have her shower by herself.

woke up earlier this morning as i had to conduct a course. saw my mum lying on the sofa and she was complaining of bad pains. asked to go to hospital. tried to get her to sit up but she couldn't. pain was too excruciating. i had to activate an ambulance in the end. as it was a non-emergency case, i called 1777. had to wait for an hour or so... in that hour of waiting. informed my brother, sisters etc. and next thing i know, i got a long string of smses from my brother scolding me for not taking care of my mum, and that he would hold me accountable if she dies, just like how i had to shoulder the blame for my dad's passing (for the record, he died of liver cancer), la la la... this hostility came out of no where. wasn't prepared for it. reminded me of how he hurled abuses at me once over a request to talk to my late dad.

despite being rather pissed off, i did not retaliate. instead, i asked him how i could improve my taking care of mum. and he couldn't answer. i was so sure he couldn't as it was precisely becos he gave up on mum that she ended up with me. anyway, he went something like, "let me tell you straight, you better take good care...". it went on for a few more smses. i did not know where he was coming from and didn't know how to respond other than "ok". and i asked him again, "if i had fallen short anywhere, please tell me where so i can improve". again, he couldn't answer. and i said - you should know the issues involved when it comes to taking care of mum - i wanted to remind him that taking care of an elderly who cannot think logically and who always says imaginary things to hurt people and relationship may not be the best thing to do. (i was hinting to him that he himself couldn't take her nonsense and wanted to get her out of his house into the mental asylum after she accused his wife of wanting to kill her, etc). he simply ignored me and told me he wanted to get back to work. we ended the conversation there.

my only guess was that he believed all the nonsensical things my mum told him. and god knows what kinda of false things my mum said (although i roughly can second guessed already - they must be things such as bee want to take the house from me, bee wanna harm her, bee's mother is after my wealth, etc). to put things straight, i will be very happy if someone can take over my house, at least, i will not need to foot that huge monthly loans, also i am living hand to mouth, house loan, car loan, mum's hefty medical bills, other bills, etc what kinda fucking wealth do i have? i cannot even afford to go for a holiday, not that i have been to one proper holiday for the last 3 years! damned!

very regretful indeed that a person at such age do not have the ability nor wisdom to think straight and cultivate harmony amongst her own children. very regretful to have someone who has been so consumed by her own past that she victimises everyone who takes care of her in the present day with her nonsense. no different from my dad when he was alive. all the family squabbles, misunderstandings, fights, etc were all becos the two of them say things without second thoughts of consequences. and worst still, either say things that are not true or say things to deliberately create a strife between thier children. if i can pinpoint a single reason about why me and my 3 other siblings all do not have good relationships, i would place them squarely on my parents. but i have to accept and move on. no point blaming. but certainly, to keep getting these kinda verbal abuses from my brother and all the nonsensical paranoia and drama from my mum is terrible. it is very very draining.

and i am feeling very very tired.

anyway, the ambulance came, mum got to the hospital, given painkillers, did some blood tests, x rays, etc... found to have injured and possibly broken her ribs. given painkillers and sent home.

tense

was discussing about work with my staff at about 5pm when i got a call from a training site about a training accident... sighs... got me busy for the whole evening and by the time all the things were settled it was about 1plus am. so tired. but well, i thought we handled it ok. the family came down from up north and were very appreciative of all the help we rendered.

the challenging part is now the post-aar, investigations, etc... additional admin work needed.

well... too many things have happened at workplace this year. not accidents per se. but issues related to health, hospitalizations (kidney stones, blood clot in brain, broken leg, etc), etc... and i think my staff now feel somewhat uneasy. perhaps it is time to do some prayers to ease the tensed up spirits...

missing diamonds

have been referring to my kidney stones as diamonds. heh heh... anyway, went for the review yesterday and was told that it had moved from the ureter downwards. initially the doctor thought it had been ejected from my system but when i told him i still feel the aches and, as recent as last weekend, had blood globules in my urine, he got worried. he explained that it only meant the stone was still inside and was probably somewhere between where it was last seen (midway along the ureter) and the bladder. and becos that area is located within the hip bone areas, the stones could possibly be hidden from the x-ray...

cut the long story short, i have to go for another ct scan in 2 weeks and to head back for another review in march before he can decide what to do. he added that if indeed the stone is found to be still inside, he might have to do an op. and, and, and he added, hopefully in these additional couple of weeks, the stone would move further and get out of my system... so for now, to avoid tea, salt, food rich in oxalates, and drink lots of water.

to be continued...

picture from http://www.keirfinejewellery.com/canadian-diamonds/

u are?

yesterday, i finally experienced and understood the full effect of the depression medication i have been taking. i brought my mum to the clinic for a review. the review came 3 days after i brought her to the a&e last week for incontinence.

at the clinic, i walked into the doctor's consultation room, and i passed her the memo. and she asked me why i was there and i stood there with a totally blank mind. for the longest moment, i couldn't remember why i was there. i literally stood and stared into the blank space. and just like a school boy taking his exam unprepared, i tried very hard to take a peek at the memo to see what the a&e doctor wrote... and my eyes caught the word "incontinence". then, everything came back.

it was a scary experience. it felt like my memory was totally wiped away. and for that moment, i fully understood what my mum meant when she said she couldn't remember things. and it could be as simple as what she ate 2 hours before...

bin with a hole

it was an interesting morning. in fact, it had been an interesting few days cos of late, i recieved no less than 2-3 emails asking if i could help the author solve some of his life's issues, relationship issues, that is. i decided to write something about it now cos today's mail was extra interesting. it came from out of nowhere and what's interesting was that this person actually used his name (it didn't come across as a pseudonym compared to previous ones) and stated that he had been referred to me by a friend. how interesting right?

well, i took it as a compliment. really. compliment for that fact that someone out there felt i was worth the effort to seek advise from. and for that, i thought i should reply the mail. but i was conscious of the fact that my sharing was but my perspective of things. might not be the best answer nor an answer that he wanted to hear. but a perspective still...

told thomas about it this afternoon and he told me to delete all such mails cos i have problems of my own. he was concerned that by reading other people's problems, i might end up feeling even more scarred/ traumatised. but i disagree. i might have my problems, but certainly, to be able to help someone is an honour and that is something i, as a buddhist, cannot not do. if there is one thing i must do in life, it would be to lent help to people who need them. and coincidentally, i happened to be reading a book by a renowned monk about how to open one's heart to happiness and in it, he shared about how monks manage themselves when they counsel people with problems and issues. he liken themselves as bins, recieving all the problems and issues from people and the way they manage it was to be a bin with a hole at the bottom. accept the problems and issues (that people wanna throw out of their lives) and let it out immediately.

and that is probably what i should learn to be - a bin with a hole at the bottom.

valentines

with the right attitude, everyday can be a valentines day. need not celebrate love only on one single day of the year. looking at it from another perspective, it is quite sad. sad that we have to remind ourselves that we need to celebrate love. and for those with no partners, the deliberate dedication of a single day of the year in celebration of love accentuates the feelings of loneliness and despression... no?

well, we can argue all we want, but end of it all, i supposed it depends on how much value we give to this day itself. if you see if as important, and value it from the perspective of partner-love (short of a better word), it can either make you very excited (if you are attached) or very depressed (if you are not attached). for the former, you are likely to fall victim to the commercialisation of love. or you can reframe "love" in a more liberal way and value this day it as a celebration of love in general, including brotherly love, motherly love, friendship, etc, then it is really a joyous day. and if you really do not even give a damn about it, you can just join in the fun and waste your money on food and flowers (yup, it is the effect of commercialising the concept of love), or you can simply just relax, and have a nice happy day, just like any other day of the year... and that is exactly what i am doing now... nice simple evening watching mindless tv, no stress and eating my zichar dinner.

happy valentines to one and all...

ps: and i know valentines day food can be very lousy cos we had the experience of wanting to celebrate this day some many years back by going to an expensive restaurant and we end up like many many other couples eating lousy overcooked steak with lousy badly cooked sauce becos the kitchen cannot cope with so many (stupid) couples and decided to only serve fixed valentines day set menu...

pps: and of course, i really feel this day is way too commercialized... just like how all traditional festivals feel to me now, just look at christmas, halloween, chinese new year, mooncake festival, etc... things are getting shallower by the days/ years. sighs...

picture from http://www.trulymadlydeeply.biz/cscart/confetti/valentines-day/

sunday nite rantings

weekend is ending. and i am now sitting in bed blogging. simple weekend that came and went without much excitement. here's some of the more lame/ interesting/ mundane (whatever...) things that occurred over the last 2 days...

(1) mum went a bit cranky again. out of no where, she started suspecting bee was out to harm her again. and she said i have to do my chanting when i go out with him. and when i told her he is also buddhist, she said the buddha he prayed to is a fake buddha... she even claimed bee's mum came to the house. hmmm... i increased her medication dosage after she said all these things...

(2) did more than 3 times of mopping the house this weekend. twice yesterday, part routine, part re-do cos i felt the floor was a little more dirty than usual. and mum peed all over the floor again today. so... third round.

(3) weekend with the most laundry done. 5 times. 2 loads of laundry, 2 loads of floor rugs - from the bedroom and the kitchen, 1 load of bedsheets, comforter cover, pillow and bolster cases. whew! my water bills is gonna shoot up like crazy!

(4) went out for dinner yesterday (see 5) after giving mum her medication (see 1). bought a pair of nice work shoes. not often do i walk into a shoe shop, see one pair that i actually like, and yet is able to fit my othortics. decided to buy it on the spot. fastest ever for me shoe shopping for me. nice!

(5) had ajisen ramen for dinner after buying shoes (see 4). for reasons beyond us, although we knew ajimen serves lousy quality ramen, we still walked in. and when the ramen came, we complained that it was bad. the egg yolks were overcooked! the soup was not oomphy, the... we were expressedly comparing it with marutama ramen. hmmm... nice soft tamago yolk and fragrant rich pork/ chicken broth boiled for many hours to perfection and springy ramen! hmmm... ok, back to ajimen... errrmmm, whatever! still, it was a break away from mum.

(6) during the ajisen ramen dinner (see 5), we were seated beside this malaysian couple and their lady friend. they were clearly malaysians from their heavy accented mandarin mixed with malaysian cantonese and splattering of english (not making fun, but that that is how all malaysians i know speak). it was the guy's birthday. and frankly, (not that i am bitchy), i thought the guy looked decent enough, but the girlfriend looked boomz!*#@&% (short of a better word). she was the direct opposite of him in all sense. he was nice and lean, she was not nice (in fact, fugly) and fat, he was tall (enough), she was short, la la la... but ok, it was really sweet of her to get him a small birthday cake and sang him the birthday song. and he was very spotting. he gave her a peck on her cheek and posed for a photo. and he actually closed his eyes and looked damned serious as he made a very long 45sec wish. wooooo... everyone of us seated around their table were literally rolling our eyes! but it was entertaining.

(7) gave my doggie a bath... been 2 weeks. but surprisingly she didn't smell. but still, i thought it would be nice to give her a bath. and aiyoh, this dog, very gu-niang (well, it's a "she" afterall), scared stiff of cold water, whimpered when she felt the water was a little too cold for her. needed warm water... and at the right temperature too...

(8) finally cleared all the mandarin oranges on the table. last 2. one for mum and one for doggie... yes, they both love mandarin oranges. 2 old women, both with similar likings!

(9) last 2 days before my kidney/ urinary tract check-up tomorrow. had to take the special medication that was supposed to help "light up" the stone tomorrow when i go for x-ray. let's see how things go tomorrow! (for some strange reasons, i really hope i will be warded tomorrow)

(10) went for a 10min swim in my condo pool, cleared my fridge and organized mum's medications, also, organized my own medications, washed the toilets, cleaned the kitchen sink, cleared my car boot, got my finger caught and badly bruised when my car boot closed and banged onto it (ouch!), felt sad that whitney kicked the bucket, surfed the net, surfed porn, read the latest gossips in in the local gay scene, blogged, switched off my phone after getting sms asking for contacts, la la la...

ok, enough of rantings on a lazy sunday evening. i need to stop now and get myself into the mood of sleeping...

good night!

desperately borrowing money

in jun last year, i wrote about this college mate of mine who, over a span of 2 years, kept calling me to lend her cash. and each time she contacted me, she gave all sorts of stories as to why she needed help. eventually, sometime mid-last year, despite some difficulties, i decided to lend a helping hand. and after helping her, her smses came in one after another asking for more and more cash, and all the smses were laden with phrases that reeked of emotional blackmail. ultimately, i decided to stop responding.

from the conversations and smses, i concluded she is a hopeless gambling addict who, for the sake of gambling, had sold off her house and investments, borrowed heavily from relatives and loan sharks, etc. she has been on the run from our local loan sharks and has gone into hiding in macau since mid-last year.

two months back, she sent me another bout of smses from macau asking for money again. one of the sms started with something about being compassionate and helping her is more noble than building a pagoda (a commonly used chinese phrase)... i ignored her. i suspected she has not shaken off that habit and was trying her luck at the casinos there.

some weeks later, she smsed me again saying that she was about to jump off a building and that only i could save her by transferring cash into her bank account. i ignored all these smses but i felt very uneasy. what if she really jump? i would have been guilty of causing her death. the objective part of me told me to switch off my phone and ignore her. for a few days after that sms, i kept a lookout in the papers for news about a singaporean woman committing suicide in macau. there wasn't any. her smses stopped too.

and these couple of weeks, her smses started coming in again. and consistently, there were elements of emotional blackmailing. i did not respond as usual. this morning, she smsed me again asking me to pass her the contact number of one of our college mate. and she added that she was suffering out in the cold with no place to go (9 degrees she added). again, i ignored her. i cannot imagine putting another of my college mate through the same ordeal that i went through.

it is getting a tat too irritating for me and i almost wanted to tell her how disappointed i was in her and how she had abused our friendship and my trust in her. then again, i thought it might be better to just ignore her and let her continue to dwell in her cycle of sufferings. i cannot help her unless she help herself. my heart felt heavy previously whenever i ignored her. but now, somehow, it had been hardened. sad.

sighs...

how would you react if you were me?

ps: i am resigned to the fact that the large amount i lent her would probably not come back to me but i guess money lost can be earned back over time. just take it as a bad investment.

picture from http://www.123rf.com/photo_10203784_singapore-money-in-a-jar-symbol-of-savings-money-isolated-on-white-background.html

my country, my home

something that is makes one feel a certain sense of patriotic pride, yet without the feel of the government at the back.

excellent video!

blood again

it has been 2 months since i was hospitalized for stones in my ureter and kidneys and i am due for a review this monday. the 2 months was to allow the stones to move and hopefully to be discharged out of my system. but certainly, from my intermittent experience of achy back over the last 2 months, i am very sure the stones are still inside.

just yesterday, the achy pain hit me again. it was not excruciating per se. just a dull achy pain behind my left waist... my suspicion was that the stone has moved a little. it didn't really bother me cos i had had this pain on and off all too often. but today, something happened.

despite drinking lots of water, i had been feeling dehydrated of late, especially today. and when i went to pee this afternoon, my urine was orangy in colour and i noticed globules of blood all over... hmmmm... blood in urine. a sure sign that the stone had moved and probably had scrapped the urinary tract. well, i didn't panic, i had worst experiences before. just need to drink more water...

the review is this coming monday. let's see how things go...

ps: how to feel young and cute when your body is telling you "harlow! it's breaking down time!"! ha!

interview

finally, went for an interview with a headhunter this week. it was an interesting experience and all happened too fast. but it was kinda fun cos i went with no expectations and i was very relaxed. no expectations, no stress... well, ok ok, a bit of stress. but well under controlled compared to my last round of job search. at least this time round, i was not looking for a job per se. they looked for me instead... so...

well, the interview lasted almost a one hour and it was non-stop answering of questions. and i just yak yak yak and chat my way through. the mood was relax, i was able to joke and share what they wanted to know along the way. of cos, the questions posed were rather tough but given the fact that the questions were all targeted at what i was doing, i simply answered them with my heart and i thought i answered them well enough.

i supposed my 2 years of almost non-stop interviewing of candidates for my office prepared me well, notwithstanding the fact that i was on the interviewee end this time round.

let's see how things go...

:-)

y&c

some of my fellow bloggers started this young and cute thingee. and my dear friend tuls even proclaimed that february be called the young and cute month! heh heh... tuls went onto his promoter mode and urge everyone to feel young and cute...

well, generally i agree with all he wrote. he mentioned about 16 or 61 (or 69) is but a number. regardless of age, everyone can feel young. nice line... but i noted one glaring thing - he missed out the cute part in this line! hahaha... i am sure that 61, no one will ever feel cute! and for me, even at 45 going 46, i do not feel cute. and worst still, i definitely cannot imagine me dressing cute! hahahaha... so bloody salah isn't it?

:-)

but yup, i totally understand what he was trying to say.

if i were to reframe the whole y&c thingee, i would say - being young and cute is about how one loves oneself and can live life to the fullest. cos when one can do so, one will be able to feel the energy of youth (regardless of age) and exude charm (the perenial/ mature version of "cute").

ps: then again, at 61, the definition of cute would probably be - "ugly but adorable"! no?

sniffles

cough cough, sniff sniff... ahhhhhh... chooooooo!

damned! it's here again!

:-(

declaring 302

was reading a local glbt forum and a guy posted his concerns about declaring his sexuality when he went for his ns (national service) call-up medical check-up... or rather, this guy had declared (his sexuality), but he was worried how they would treat him. there were quite a few replies and many of them were spouting nonsense and allegations that were either unfounded or bitchy.

thought they were not useful and counter to what this poor chap had wanted to know/ find out when he posted his queries in the forum. so, i sent him a personal message. i thought i should make it sound as objective as i could given that i was an ex-regular officer who had spend more than 20 years in the military (despite my bad experiences of being outed, interrogated and so on when i was in service). felt it was the right thing to do to allay the fears and apprehensions of my fellow gaymen who are awaiting enlistment. i decided to post it here cos i am also aware that there are some here who has the same questions.

:-)

this was what i wrote...

reference your posting about declaring, frankly, it is gonna be a non-affair for the armed forces if you are an nsf (national serviceman [fulltime]), i.e., conscript. many people have declared and they are required to go through their ns like anyone else. as for the talk about excusing people from whatever specific roles etc, really, it all depends on the following:

(1) whether you are effeminate. this is an important factor for them to consider (especially if you have intentions to eventually go for a sex change). generally, for people who are in the process of transition, they would be employed in non-combat roles and would not be required to stay-in. apart from protecting the servicemen from possible harrassment from their peers, it would also minimize the stress and trauma for the servicemen from having to undergo combat roles and duties (which generally are more rough and tough, and that would pose some very practical inconveniences for transitioning personnel). if you are straight-acting and medically assessed that you are comfortable with your sexuality, you would be treated no difference from any other persons and would be required to undergo the full ns. i myself know of many friends who went through even after declaring they are gay. you will unlikely be given a lower pes status (medical status) just because you declare you are homosexual.

(2) whether you are applying to be a regular (contract soldier). as a regular, you would be subjected to additional security checks and one of the areas that they would be interested be would be your sexuality. generally personnel who declare they are homosexual would not be employed (it is an unwritten rule but everyone knows about it). the reasons could include firstly, the avoidance of security concerns especially when gay people, who are closeted, would have a higher chance of being blackmailed (for classified information), or secondly, their fear that there might be a confidence issues with the organisation amongst parents if they were to find out that there are gay servicemen leading their sons. (i do not subscribe to these reasons but i do acknowledged that they exist).

hope i have shed sufficient light on the issue of homosexuality.

after sending this message, i sent a second one...

if i may add, handling homosexual servicemen is something that the saf (singapore armed forces) is still learning. when the so called directive pertaining to homosexuals was first drafted and formalized, it classified persons who declare their homosexuality into a category by itself called "302". that was in the 70s when the perception of gays was - gays = ah-guas (transvestites). to me, that was a very wrong start from the beginning. it was too simplistic and did not address the whole continuum of sexuality issues that is a fact of life - eg openly homosexuals who are out of the closet but straight-acting, homosexuals who are closeted, sexual dimorphism, transexuals, transvestites, etc... you can also read this post about the difficulties i experienced managing my staff who went for a sex change, it simply illustrated the vacuum in directives/ policies managing such cases, even for regulars. but interestingly, the key issue is not one of policy but that of people's acceptance... end of the day, it was people's acceptance or rather, non-acceptance of the individual that led to the officer leaving service...

this was made worst by some servicemen who tried to escape ns, malinger and/ or cheat the system by declaring they are transvestites with the intent to transition, get excused/ downgraded, and excused from reservist. iknew of previous cases such as these and after 2 - 2.5 years of being posted as a clerk and excused from reservist, the servicemen ord (ended his conscript time), left service, and reverted to his totally straight lifestyle. yup, you will be surprise, but there are such people in singapore.

as such, for those who declare they are homosexuals, the medical officer would have to make the assessment as to whether he needs to psychologically tested (especially when they suspect there is an intention to malinger/ cheat). otherwise, declaring of homosexuality is really a non-issue for an nsf.

lemon tea

was at a local hospital earlier and decided to drop by the cafe for a bite. there was a queue and a doctor placing her order asked: "auntie, lemon tea 有 teh 的吗?" (auntie, is there tea in the lemon tea?)

...

not sure about auntie, but i was certainly tickled by such a question...

*roll eyes*...

funny mum

mum had been going to the rehab center almost daily since 19 dec. and she has kinda grown used to the routine. these days, she calls the daily routine of going to the rehab as "going to work". and she refers to herself as the "worker", and the rehab center staffs as "executives". also, she would refer to the rehab executive (the real one) as the "supervisor"...

imagine this - when i asked her if she gave ang pows to the rehab center staff, she retorted that they should be the ones giving her ang pows instead. afterall, she is only the worker there and rightfully, "executives" should give "workers" ang pows and not the other way round....

and 2 days ago, she asked me this interesting question. she said "tomorrow, i was told the big boss is coming. but i do not know his name. but since he is my big boss, i, as the worker, should address him as 'sir' right?" and i told her, no need, you can address whichever name your rehab center staff address him as. it was clear she was uncomfortable cos she asked in disbelief "how can, i am only a worker..."

hmmm...

funny right?

cranky mum

mum had been rather cranky lately. at times, she seemed happy and chatty, and at times, she was down and ignores people. and at times when she was quiet, there was really no way to guess what really was going on in her head. but from her line of questioning these couple of days, i could somehow suspect she was trying to find ways to get out of the house.

last week, she created quite a bit of havoc at home. and after avoiding me for a couple of days, she started talking to me again last weekend. and these 2 days, she has been mumbling about how bad my brother was and how unfilial he is now. apparently she had asked him to get her back the old house (that had been rented out). but instead he replied that if she wanted it back, she must pay him 10k. it was clear she was unhappy with him for saying this. but i knew where my brother was coming from. he was just trying to get her to forget about moving back. after all her nonsense that almost wrecked his family, he is also very clear that the issue is with mum and not with anyone else.

so...

anyway, today, out of no where, mum threw an interesting line at me. she said i owe her 20k. she insisted i had owed her the money since many years back and becos there was no records, i am now acting blur... hmmm... there was really no way this could be true. in fact, i had been earning and self-sustaining since my schooldays! immediately, i knew what she was trying to do. she was trying to blackmail me to get her 20k so that she could give it to my brother in return for the old house...

it seemed like my mum is still quite insistent on moving out of my place.

is such behaviour typical of a person with dementia?

sighs...

headhunters

interestingly enough, this week, one of my ex-colleague gave me a contact to a headhunter. she told me he is a very good one and that he should be able to help me look for a job. and on the same day, i recieved an email from another headhunter asking me to meet up to explore some positions...

hmmm... quite excited by this sudden possible openings...

let's see how things go.

:-)

breathtaking

i find this very spiritual.

enjoy...

loy krathong

don't ask me why, but these few days, i kept thinking about this song. a song that i was taught to sing since my primary school days...

:-)

unker

no, am not trying to act cute by spelling "unker" instead of "uncle". just thought i'd use a less usual term.

i noticed that lately i have been getting younger people posting comments. it's such a great refreshing change! and interestingly, as well as a little awkwardly, i find my blog appearing on their list of blogs they read too. and when i took a look... oooooo... i think i am one of the oldest blogger in their lists. in fact, no need to think, i AM (see! i hardly use bold capital letters in my blog and now i am doing it to emphasize it) the oldest... haha...

a typical profile of these new readers are (1) about half my age, (2) gay (3) malaysians (more than singaporeans) (4) mainly followers of 2-3 ardent bloggers!

and no, no, i am not complaining. in fact, i am more than pleased to be able to connect with them. i am thankful to them for allowing me the opportunity to look at the world through their lenses. lenses of a different generation and understanding things from a slightly different perspective. and of course, as a lao unker, i could possibly provide an older person perspective if need be (and certainly a few had been chatting with me via email since). then again, i don't think they need that la. or perhaps one or two who tend to be a little sad in their postings. but generally, i find the postings very lively. sometimes a bit of bitching here and there, but well, that is part of life right? it makes life all the more interesting.

it's certainly nice to be able to make friends and connect with young people!

:-)

ps: and of cos, i must mention here that i even had the great honour of hosting one of them to dinner and the singapore flyer! (after his short but "memorable" trip to the sauna)... haha... halo! u reading this? heh heh!

heat

no, if your imagination is running while, don't. i do not mean i am on "heat". i don't. heh heh... just that lately, i have been having mouth ulcers, dry lips and so on and i feel kinda uneasy inside me. the very "heaty" kinda feel... the kinda too much "yang" energy in me kinda feel, if you know what i mean. interestingly the whole idea of heatiness is not even found in the ang moh dictionary, so much so that the word "heaty" appears with the red wavy lines below when typed in doc format. it's a very chinese thingee i supposed...

ok, back to my heatiness. it must be due to the change in season and the new year period, with all the unhealthy cookies, nuts, bak kwa, etc... and all these made worst by my medication. think i am coming down with flu le! arghhh...

:-)

enlightening

just had a long talk with my dr friend again about mum. it was an enlightening talk. amidst all the tensions, the frenzy, mood swings, etc... going to the root cause, he suggested it could be becos mum did not like to be left alone at home, regardless of how long the duration was. and all the recent illness, new year, temple visits, fall, etc could have made her more stressed up.

that made a lot of sense.

under black magic

mum strongly believed that bee had used black magic spell and cast a spell on me. she believed that this spell is making me surrender all my (so-called) wealth, my house, and all my earnings to him and his mother. also, she believed that i go out of the house routinely to connive with him to harm/ kill her... even when i leave house for a hour for breakfast, she believed i went to meet up with him so as to work out a plan to kill her... and she lamented that all her children are bad and that we all have turned against her. this morning, she said that her whole life was bad, how my (late) dad had tortured her previously and how all her children, me inclusively are now also treating her badly and torturing her.

i had initially wanted to sent her to imh a&e and told my brother about it. he told me i should have done so earlier. also realized from my conversation with him that she had been telling him things that are either not true or that she told me not to tell (eg that my aunt visited her).

gave her a long one-hour run down of all the things all of us did toimpress her how much we had her in our heart, how we had looked after her and that we had her in our heart in all we did. but i don't think any of what i said got into her. she was just that hard headed that we (especially me) are out to get her at this point in time.

i am at my wits end.

called kl, my doctor friend, and he told me told increase her medication to calm her down. initially she refused to take, but after i told her it is her own medication, she finally took. now, she is totally avoiding me, not eating anything other than her white porridge. if this continue, i would really have no choice but to call the imh a&e. it would be in her best interest.

sighs...

discharged

wasted my one day sitting and waiting at the a&e department. just spoken with the doctor, no problems. mum's fit for discharge... x-ray however revealed a small crack on her little toe (supposedly due to the fall), would be fine with some painkillers. as for her breathlessness, it is nothing new. her regular medications should solve the issue. nonetheless, they will give her some steroids to help her breath better.

now awaiting the discharge admin processes and collection of her medications.

political pay

now that the wind has blown over, i would like to pen here some thoughts about what some of my private sector friends, who had travelled widely and whose views i respect given their experience and exposure to the system of various asian, european and american systems, had said about the outcome...

(1) the latest move was a total disaster to the country. my colleagues and friends from overseas were shocked to see us going backwards in this area! if there's one thing they admire about us was the way we pay our politicians and in the process, ensure our system is clean and efficient.

(2) recently, i went to india, and they wanted to built a 20km highway. after 15years, they managed to built only 10km of it, and it cost them 15billion dollars. even then, it was done so badly, the safety was questionable! reason? the many levels of political approval and the huge amount of monies that each level pocket along the way...

(3) come on people, get real! you sent your brightest to oxbridge and when they come back, you pay them peanuts while their fellow graduates from oxbridge are earning millions in the private sector! and you talk about sacrifice? get real! get real! what a joke!

(4) you pay peanuts, you get monkies in the government. period.

(5) you expect the population that comprises the heartlanders to debate on politician's pay? in the first place, your population is so sheltered they have no sense of realism about what's the market rate, be it in the commercial sector locally/ worldwide, or amongst politicians worldwide!

(6) i had initially high hopes in our opposition parties. but look at them in the debate on politician's pay! can't even get their facts right! what a disgrace! regretful! regretful!

(7) wah ranz!... pay them liddat and expect them to work on weekdays, listen to resident's problems on weeknights, carry babies and shake hands on weekends! in short, no personal life. even if i were offered such a job, i'd say thanks but no thanks!

(8) just look at the amount of perks, allowances, bribery, sidelines, etc overseas politicians enjoy. their published pay is nothing compared to their real income! and here, you bitch about the 1.1million clean wage. joke!

(9) the cut was simply too far and too deep! this is no good for singapore.

(10) i did a straw poll amongst my staff who are in their 20s to 30s. all of them like to bitch about the pay. but when i ask if any of them wants to be a politician, not a single one raised their hand...

well, my friends may not be the men-in-the-street per se given their exposure to the world and their seniority in their respective sectors. but they are certainly very hardcore singaporeans with no clear inclinations towards any specific political parties per se. to them, whatever work for singapore is the best solution, regardless of which political party the idea come from. before the last general elections, i noted they were not the best supporters of the ruling parties. but from their tone now, it seemed like they have seriously swung towards the ruling party and are quite vehement against the opposition party now. the current ruling party is certainly a victim of its own success.

the outcome on political pay is, to me, regretful. but the silver lining here is that as we go about scrutinizing the system and participating in a more open debate about how to tweak existing system moving ahead, the true colours/ capabilities, strength and weaknesses of policies, systems and political parties would be exposed.

it will be an interesting few years ahead before the next general elections.

investigation

shocked to read the news about the high profile investigations into 2 key persons locally. personally, I know one of them and we were in the same unit more than 25 years ago. we hardly kept in contact through the years and the last time i met him was 2 years back. when you know a person for so long, it didn't feel good to read such news. I have known him to be such an upright system person. if indeed he is found guilty, it must be due to a moment of folly. well, for whatever right or wrong he had done/ alleged to have done, and whatever the outcome may be, he must be going through a very difficult period now. i decided to sms him and wish him well.

the thing about the system is that it is a very unforgiving one. it does not and will not tolerate any mistakes, regardless of how many years of good one has contributed. and when the system/ organization bears its weight upon you, it can be overwhelmingly choking. and i was reminded of how my own organization weighed itself on me and punished me for my sexuality in 2005. sighs.

i empathize with my friend. i really do. on a personal level, i certainly wish the system would be more forgiving. yet, i know that in the interest of public accountability, high standards of public service and transparency, that machinery must be respected.

i wish him strength, i wish him well.

a&e

it's the third day of lny and i thought it's gonna unfold well. but it didn't.

walked mum down to wait for the rehab vehicle and went to work as usual. and along the way, i decided to take things slow by heading for breakfast first. then i got a call from the rehab center staff. he told me mum had asked the vehicle (that came to fetch her) to leave without her and that she would be heading to see the doctor. hmmmmm... i sensed trouble. called mum on her phone... no answer. called again. no answer. called the third time and finally she picked up the phone. she had apparently made her own way to marine parade to see our family doctor. and she was helpless when she found the clinic closed. told her to wait for me while i head to pick her up.

when i saw her, i noticed a few bruises on her face and her chin was all bloodied. she told me she fell when she walked out of the condo to take a cab. asked what she wanted to do given that the clinic was closed and she said she wanted to head to the hospital. asked her why and she said she was breathless... and that was what i did, golden opportunity.

you see, she's been getting breathless on and off these days and over the last 2 days, she kept insisting on going to the temple, doing the cooking, washing the laundry etc. all these despite telling her she needed to rest as she's breathless.

as for her breathlessness, even as the hospital had explained that her problem is a long term issue due to old age and that they have given her tons of respiratory medication, she's still convinced the family clinic doctor would be her cure all whenever she feels breathless. it's not important that she had seen him many times with no improvement. it's not important that her condition improve whenever i administer the hospital-issued medication, she insisted on seeing the family doctor. i have suggested for her to head to the hospital where all her records are, she has resisted all suggestions to go to the hospital all these while. so, with her own suggestion to head to the hospital, i thought it is best to quickly sent her.

these days, everything i do, i need to ask her first. whatever she wants, i just do. she's just too stubborn (and it's getting worst) these days.

well, that was how i started my morning.

back to work

in a way, i am glad i am heading back to work. away from home. away from mum. yup, she will be back to her rehab. she called it her office...

feeling tired

these days i feel tired very easily. could it be due to the medication? could it be due to the kidney stones? i don't know. all i know is that i would feel lethargic the whole day. and i would sleep and sleep and sleep through the day, as i had done so over the pass 2 days. and frankly, i find it extremely irksome for people to either throw me last minute requirements to go here or there, or to chase and hurry me.

today, i woke up at 7-plus. decided to sleep again and finally at about 9am, i decided i should wake up. went about doing some basic routine and next thing i knew, mum insisted she wanted to go to the temple. wtf! just brought her to the temple yesterday and today she wanted to go again. it's a different temple she insisted. why don't we go over the weekend? no, today is the 2nd day of lny and is a good day. must be today. ok, ok, i said. next thing i knew i found that she had cooked porridge. damned, had always told her not to do cooking and that when i am at home, i would do all the necessary. ok, small matter, small matter... let me go wash up first ok? and before i could even do so, she chased me again. and she demanded that i must bring 12 oranges, reminded me again, and again and again, and again. yup, you got the drift. she went on non-stop about this and that. damned damned damned! and through the morning, as i gave sapphie a bath, do a quick cleaning of the house, prepare breakfast for her, she kept chasing me and reminding me about this and that...

and her response when i told her i need to settle things first? you don't bring me, i take taxi. ya, rite, you cannot even walk to the toilet properly and now you are trying to tell me you can go to the temple yourself. i was half about to tell her to suit herself. well, i did not. we went to the temple in the end, and through the whole visit, she wouldn't allow me to do things my way. it must be her way. you must park your car here, i want to walk, i don't want wheelchair, and before i can even properly lock the car, she walked off quickly, and after less than 50m, she collapsed onto the wheelchair! ... you must put 4 oranges here, you must get me the joss stick, you must stick the joss stick in the urn, you must this, you must that... give me 2 dollars! i want to put into the donation box, i want to eat vegetarian noodle, and on and on and on... and the worst part was, before i can do one thing, she would ask me to do the next, and next, and next...

it was not often that i was so pissed off. i decided not to light any joss stick for myself. no point trying to do something like lighting the joss stick when my own heart was so pissed off. it really irked me to feel that my life is not within my own control and that i have adjust my energy levels to the whims and fancies of her whenever i am at home/ not at work. and that in itself is one fucking difficult to do becos new requirements would crop up again and again.

once i reached home, i collapsed onto my bed. i want to sleep. don't disturb me. and i locked my door.

i am so so fucking tired.

lny is over

a few things to note for this new year...

• it rained torrents today. that means the dong zhi belief (if it rains on dong zhi [winter solstice], it won't rain on lunar new year) is not accurate...

• although mum said she is not too particular about chinese new year, she was one helluva kancheong spider as the date drew near. gotta pay respects to ancestor, gotta clean this and that, gotta go temple, gotta pack ang pow, gotta leave the lights on at night la la la...

• there are people arguing whether it should be "lunar new year" or "chinese new year"... damned! what's the issue, it's the same when you know the spirit behind it and celebrate it meaningfully. lunar, or chinese, or for that matter, as some had argued "solar-lunar"... whatever...

• after all the preparations, the day came and went. uneventful. but i supposed the fact that people made the effort to observe the day, superstitious or not, the vast amount of energies put in gave an overall nett-nett positive feel to the day. and that in itself, reaped full of positive benefit to the society.

• i behaved less kancheong this year, i guessed it was the medication. but still, everything that needed to be done were done in the end. i supposed it reflected a lot of "why the need to be kancheong" in the first place.

• my neighbour, after his divorce, had been living with his part-time girlfriend. his kids and ex-wife had moved out 2 years ago. and today, the 2 sons came home. lo and behold, they are all so grown up! the younger one's voice had broken and he sounded like a man now! the elder one, who had gone into water polo, had transformed from a chubby boy into a lean adonis and is very fashionable! such a cutie!

• a colleague's dad passed away on the eve of new year's eve. and he sent out an email telling everyone about it. i wondered if anyone actually made the trip down... then again, apart from the pek kim, it's the thoughts that matters. and although i decided not to head to the wake, i decided to reply his email.

• many gay men i know either run away from the new year celebrations or choose to avoid visiting. for me, i couldn't really be bothered running away. in fact, i find it quite nice to have visits/ visitors coming to my house. afterall, it's not often that we get to meet relatives, especially when i am at the age where family gatherings are largely for funerals. and if asked about weddings, i'll just tell them i'll invite them if and when it happens. and i am not lying.

• someone reflected that these days, lny/ cny has lost its feel altogether, things are all so commercialized, and that it's a dying tradition to celebrate lny/ cny. my take is that the festival in itself has not lost its feel. in fact, it is us who, as a process of growing up, has stopped feeling it. and the reasons could be our increased cynicism, our linking celebrations to our earning power (after all we have to buy stuff right?), etc... as opposed to when we were kids, we need not bother about all these "adult" considerations... and i believe kids still enjoy it, and so, we need to continue to make it exciting for our kids.

well, whatever the reflections, lunar new year/ chinese new year is over. time to continue with the routine, dragon year, or not.

:-)

picture from http://www.shambhala.org.uk/program.php

happy drag-on year

wishing everyone a gay, prosperous, happy & most importantly, healthy drag-on year!

muacks!

picture from http://drag-queen-info.blogspot.com/

bak kwa sapphie again

it happened last year, and it happened again this year!

damned! went out of the house to pay respect to my dad yesterday and when i returned, the floor was strewn with mandarin oranges and there were oil patches and paw-prints all over! and under the tv console was half a pack of bak kwa. sighs... it was clear who the culprit was cos she rushed out of the door when we returned and she had this worried and guilty look on her face.

but what was worst was when she started vomitting at night. there was pools and pools of her vomit all over the house. and her vomit was no ordinary vomit. it comprised pieces of bak kwa that was piled up like a little hill (almost the size of a large soup bowl, yup, it was that large). first, there were 2, then after i cleaned them up, she vomitted another 2 piles... and then when i thought i was done, i noted another huge pile by her water bowl... yup, there were just so so many piles of bak kwa. imagine the amount she downed! took me quite a few hours to clean the vomit and to remop the whole house again. had to double/ triple mop to ensure the smell disappears. by the time i finished clearing her vomit, remop the whole house, it was almost 2am.

went to bed (she slept beside me on the floor) and about an hour later, i heard a small explosion. yup, no joke! an explosion in my room. and it startled me out of bed. i switched on the light and saw a huge pile of watery shit on my floor rug. the culprit had diarrhea! when i jumped out of bed, i saw her rushed from the rug to the corner of the room. and as usual, she had her sad and guilty face. quickly, i cleared the shit and washed the rug and rushed her downstairs, she ran frantically and once she reached her usual spot, a few explosions occurred (no joke, really loud farts accompanied by squirts of watery shit, like a water power jet)!

came home, cleaned up the things and went back to bed, i kept hearing her farting and her stomach growling. and before i knew it, she started vomitting again! damned! this time round, her vomit was from her inner gut. it stint like crazy! my instint told me there'll be more. and so i rushed her out of the house again. luckily i did that cos once she walked out of the house, another pile of vomit came out. damned damned damned! by the time she reached downstairs, thick mucousy saliva was flowing out of her mouth. she had lost all her energy and could only walk slowly to her patch. and of cos, the explosions again and again, except that there was no more shit. i didn't feel confident to have her come home and decided to sit her at the car park and massage her stomach. her stomach continued to growl and she farted a couple more times. and she vomitted a little more water... after about half an hour, she seemed a little more stabilized.

we came back, i was totally spent! by the time i hit the bed, it was almost 6am.

she seemed ok now. what an adventure. and all becos she downed almost half a kg of bak kwa at a go.

ps: mum found a piece of bak kwa hidden in the sofa. apparently she also knew how to enjoy life. eating bak kwa on the sofa... heh heh...

picture from http://eatbma.blogspot.com/2010/02/bak-kwa-for-chinese-new-year-in.html

hiv status

there's an article in the local papers about a man who was sentenced to 18 months jail for not disclosing he was hiv positive before having sex with another man... and when this article was posted onto a gay forum, it was interesting to see quite a few people jumping straight to bitch about the system, throw doubts about the crime, analyze, etc without even giving a thought about the crux of the case. a sample of the postings went like this (and i quote verbatim):

=======
post #1:

cant trust the law in singapore.
got a feeling there arent concrete evidence to charge the guy...
probably he is scapegoat use to publicise this act and make a case.

=======
post #2 (a more analytical guy, i must say):

the news report is rather general. no specific details on how they met and how many sexual contacts they had. if the victim himself also had sexual contacts with other strangers, and not knowing that some may have hiv, the offender himself is also a victim. the report didn't state where the source of the virus came from, which means to say, there are chances that the victim himself may have gotten the virus from someone else. isn't it? but of course, i'm not saying that the offender is right, just that he would be outcasted immediately in this circle if people were to ever know of his case, and probably only the true friends would be there for him.

======
post #3 (a lagi more analytical guy):

2 points we need to take note on this case

1) he told the court his condition was under control by medication when he met the victim and that they had protected sex.

2) the court also heard that the victim is currently infected with hiv as well, although the source of the virus is not known

by this 2 points it proves that guy just wants revenge on somebody, he don't even know if it's really that 27yo guy that infected him.

a sad case i would say.

======
interestingly, as i read the postings, the conclusions reached, the doubts raised, and even the bitchings, it struck me that many of these people did not actually note that the man was charged for "not disclosing his hiv status before having sex" and not for infecting the other person (not that there was a need to even prove that the other person was infected by him in the first place)! thus, by his own admission (of his not revealing hiv status before having sex), he was already guilty of the crime!

all these postings are highly regretable cases of the emotional heart making the decision about bitching the system even before the rational mind can interpret the rationality of the whole charge/ case. or worst still, the rationality of the mind was marred/ influenced by the irrational heart that had already made the conclusions. and it suggests that many people do not even bother to practise active listening (when in a conversation), or read deeply/ accurately first (and i am not even talking about critical thinking here), before they make assumptions and jump to (often wrong) conclusions.

and sadly, i think more and more singaporeans are becoming like that.

just look at the recent general elections...

picture from http://rodonline.typepad.com/rodonline/2006/11/question_do_you.html

==========
the article is as follows (source: channelnewsasia.com)

Man gets 18 months' jail for not disclosing HIV status before sex
Channel News Asia
18 January 2012 1412 hrs

SINGAPORE: A man infected with the HIV virus was on Wednesday sentenced to 18 months' jail for failing to inform another man of his status before they had sex.

The 27-year-old former civil engineer was found guilty of one charge of contravening the Infectious Diseases Act.

He is also the first person to be sentenced under the new Act, which was amended in 2008 to increase the maximum punishment to a jail term of ten years and a S$50,000 fine.

The court was told that the two men engaged in oral and anal sex sometime in January 2009.

The offender did not inform his partner of the risk of contracting HIV from him, despite being aware of the consequences of his actions.

In his mitigation, he said he found it difficult to disclose his HIV-positive status.

He said the intention was not to harm the victim, but was one of "self-protection" as he was afraid of being "abandoned by his social circle".

He told the court his condition was under control by medication when he met the victim and that they had protected sex.

However, the prosecutor for the Ministry of Health, K Kalaithasan, called for a jail term of more than a year, saying the victim would not have engaged in sexual activity if he had known about the man's HIV status.

The court also heard that the victim is currently infected with HIV as well, although the source of the virus is not known.

In sentencing, District Judge Siva Shanmugam said the nature of the offence was "grave".

He said by failing to inform the victim for his "own selfish reasons", the offender had "endangered the safety of others".

spending within means

i read this forum about how to survive while being broke. and what struck me was the consistency of a few points that was made and these include (1) spend within your means (2) don't borrow! (3) don't borrow to reduce your debt (4) save first then spend what you have planned to spend (5) save, save, save...

very sound advice from many.

thing is - how many can actually do it. when more often than not, there is the high tendency for greed and desire (which is also greed in disguise) to set in, regardless of how noble the intention might be. let me list a few here - i need money to turn my business around, i need more money to save my business, i need money to go for holiday overseas, i need money to get a computer, i need money to bring my so-and-so for a trip...

notice how we can change the word "need" to "want" and the sentences would begin to reek "greed". very easy to use want/ need interchangeably right? issue is, are the items listed above really about "need"? perhaps some are you may argue. but mostly, i think it is simply a real case of "want"... "need" if we really think about it, belongs to the realm of "don't have and your survival will be jeopardized", in another words - basic needs. agree?

think about it...

kns

walked pass a heartland coffee shop today and saw this interesting name of a store... it reads:

"kns (race) (religion) food"

(have struck off the race and religion, don't wanna sound disrespectful)

kar-nah-sai!

:-)

bliss

ignorance is bliss... sometimes, it is better not to know things.

i'm still around

just wanna make a "i'm still around" post.

recently, but i seemed to have nothing to post. nothing interesting seemed be happening. perhaps it is due to the medication. i'm just quite un-excitable these days. and also, i thought it was perhaps not too nice to post things about my health, or things that are mundane, or about nothing...

so...

:-)

ps: or perhaps, the most interesting thing that i found out this week is the fact that unsalted french fries actually taste quite good! you should try! and it's healthier too!

ironic

in one of the forum where i usually read, there was a person who was in the midst of a break-up. things sounded really bad and this chap was really in the doldrums of his relationship. i decided to drop him a mail to lend him some support. it had been almost 3 weeks and during this period, i had been kinda counselling him and helping him come to terms with his issues... quite ironic right? that i am counselling people about break-ups and depression while i myself am in the midst of managing my own depression!

but i just cannot stand and do nothing when i see someone in trouble.

first week

it's almost the end of the first work week of the year for me. and it's been a rather busy week. started off a little slow and unsteady for me cos of the medications. but certainly, it wasn't as bad as i had expected.

:-)

getting used

think i am getting used to the fluvoxamine. back to full dose. feel sleepy and lightheaded within an hour, then i'd sleep for about 4-5 hours and i will wake up la... and then i will start thinking about things...

hmmm...

asked the doctor and he told me to continue as per what i am doing and the full effect of the medication will only set in about a month's time.

twilight zone

took my anti-depressant (fluvoxamine) last night, the drug was certainly effective. at the point when i laid on my bed, i felt very disturbed. and i heard voices. and i felt people beside me. but i wasn't afraid. it was surreal. i held on to my phone. there was a sense of anticipation, there was a sense of disappointment, there was also a sense of anger, and there was also a sense of resignation. told myself i should go to sleep and after sometime, sleep came. through the night, i felt warm, i was sweating, my stomach was churning, and i tossed and turned. yet i slept on, or at least i thought i did... twilight zone kinda feeling if you know what i mean.

although i woke up at 7-plus, i continued to feel very sedated. through the morning, i felt sleepy, lazy and my mind was blank. i just did not want to think about anything. i just wanted to lie in bed and nua. as per routine, i got up a couple of times to pee, walk the dog, brought my mum out for breakfast and did some basic housework, but frankly, my mind was asleep, and my brain was not working. i was also feeling the effects of the tamsulosin. every movements i made made my heart beat very fast. i had to walk slowly, do things slowly, and execute every movement very deliberately. came back home and quickly went to take a rest on my bed. surfed the net a bit. and soon, i was asleep again.

did some reading in wiki and found that all feeling of dry mouth, funny taste/ smell in my mouth when i woke up, abdominal pains through the night, reduced appetite, sweating at night, etc were all side effects of the fluvoxamine... spoke to a doctor friend and he asked me to half my dosage of medication.

picture from http://darkligress.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-Zone-35836389

being gay is unnatural?

i teared several times when i saw this. such a powerful video! i strongly recommend everyone to watch the full length of it. the sentence that hit me most was "there are a lot of gay men who are homophobic" (4:40). how very true! and yes, although the topic discussed was in the context of sexuality, you can actually apply the whole concept and thoughts at so many different areas and at so many levels of your life! so, it is worth your watching. really.

ps: and i thought the guy was quite cute! ha!

patterns of major issues

reflecting, i think i have this tendency for my medical issues to all happen at the same time whenever i get stressed out. it can be due to family, work, and/ or relationships.

and this was exactly what i went through the last 2 months. it was literally one medical issue after another. in fact, at the rate of things, my blog will start to look like a online journal of someone dying soon. ha!

the last time i had so many medical issues that happened altogether was 7 years ago when i went through the transition of breaking up with james, starting my relationship with bee, called up by my security department for questioning about my sexuality, as well as some other smaller family-related stressors. at that time, i broke my meta-tarsals, went into depression, had epilepsy, had asthma attacks, and so on... and before that, the major bout of (a series of) depressions, medical etc happened in the initial years of my coming out. that was in 1996-98 period. although i did not seek medical help for my depression previously, things eventually sorted itself out after i came to terms with the state of affairs.

reflecting on the past 2 months this time round, i realized that what i had gone through were the same. i saw the same pattern beng played out. and really, the start of the closure of one medical issue after another, and the slow sorting out of issues related to say work, family, etc... i think things could only get better.

need to be optimistic.

if last month was the lowest, the only direction available is upwards.

and from that perspective, it is quite a good thing that i am starting my 2012 on a new positive direction.

:-)

anti-depressant

went to see the doctor this morning and was given anti-depressant to treat my depression. think he started me on a rather high dosage of the medication cos he said i needed to be sedated significantly to control my moods and my suicidal thoughts. this would complement the valium that would help me sleep better at night.

to review in a month's time.

:-)

stopping tcm

was on tcm for half a year and stopped my cholesterol medication. went for my medical today and realized that my cholesterol level had shot up almost by twice! ha! now, gotta start the statins again. but on the bright side, my liver enzyme levels had dropped back to healthy levels again.

:-)

picture from http://www.kellykite.com/183/traditional-chinese-medicine-what-it-is.html

respect

when i was in the hospital, there was really nothing much to do except to lie down and recuperate. and it was then that i thought i should spend my time doing something more productive. and so, i decided to meditate. it was perhaps one of the most natural thing for me to do considering the very conducive environment that i was in. initially, i had some problems concentrating as i was hurting. so i decided to do some silent chanting instead. it helped me focus and distract myself from the pains. gradually, i was able concentrate on my breathing and meditate. i guessed the meditation helped cos my body calmed down, and both my blood pressure as well as my pulse rate stabilized.

on a separate note, i became aware and very conscious of a few things when i did my silent chanting and meditation. firstly, the people around me stared at me and whispered quite a bit. initially, i was a little self-conscious, but gradually, i managed to let go of that. eventually, i sensed the people around me (including their family members) accepting it and letting me be. the staring and the whispering stopped. secondly, i sensed a certain sense of respect that the people around me were according to me. perhaps i was sensitive, but certainly, the way they looked at me and my every movement, the way they talk to me (in a very courteous and somewhat respectable manner), the way they lower their voice when they see me chanting/ meditating... all these made me appreciate a few things.

firstly, from the chinese patients and their family's conversation, it was clear that they were all taoist-buddhists (this is a very singaporean/ malaysian practise, many do not distinguish between buddhism and taoism), i supposed their courteous and respectful treatment towards me was a reflection of their reverence towards buddhism in general. secondly, amongst the patients sharing the ward with me, there was a non-chinese (malay to be exact, and muslim i believe). and interestingly, i see the same responses from this patient. to me, it reflected a certain healthy level of respect for other religions and freedom of practise.

and this, to me, is why i enjoy living in this country. people generally respect each other, each other's religion and do not criticize each other's practise.

ps: on hindsight, it is really regretful that i should think about meditating only when i was in hospital. i think i should make more effort to do more of it in order to achieve a better sense of peace of mind and balance to my life.

year of the bunny

2011 was indeed the year of the bunny in more than one ways for me! lots of hops, lots of ups and downs! once a while, it gets up, then it falls deep down, then it goes up, then it falls deep down again. very painful and stressful. let's see how 2012 year of the dragon is going to pan out. dragons? haiz... dragon... bunny... what's the difference right? both are one and the same. one is strong, the other is gentle...

different sides of the same coin.

sighs.