updating my resume

i am currently updating my resume. damned! very challenging! seemed like there are so many things i could write given the many many many projects and major initiatives i have put in place over the span of the last 1.5 years or so. then again, i need to be focused and write what is most needed. cannot have verbal diarrhea in my resume. ok, shall not rush and take my time. after all, the job market is expected to take a turn for the worst. so, better not rush. cannot be emotional about it now...

picture from http://www.bestsampleresume.com/resume-wizard.html

mum's rehab

mum's rehab started today.

this morning, she was so kancheong she woke me up, wash her clothes, pack up her stuff and asked me to bring her to the center at 7am. this despite the fact that i had already told her last night that we would only leave home at about 8.30-9am.

sighs...

anyway, we did not leave house until 9am. she insisted she did not need to wheelchair. we arrived at the rehab center, she walked halfway and the center staff had to quickly get her a wheelchair. well... the morning went fine. her blood pressure was taken, afterwhich she was given her morning tea before they started her off on some cycling and hand exercises. she did all of it enthusiastically... i left her late morning and will be picking her up late afternoon. let's just hope she does not come home later and complain of body aches tomorrow!

so far so good.

:-)

uninterrupted sleep

for the last 2 nights, despite waking up durng the early parts of the night, i was able to sustain uninterrupted deep sleep that last at least 4 hours before daybreak. have not been able to achieve this level of rest for a long long time.

and that is a very good thing.

:-)

picture from http://pethilarity.tumblr.com/post/4925804920/sleeping-bunnies

korean food 2

decided to head for korean food again tonight.

heh heh...

:-)

korean food

my friends bought me korean dinner tonight. simple korean fare. no major drama mama of sorts. casserole and pancake. it was good to see them and very nice to be able to catch up again. simple evening that ended with a quick walkabout at chinatown and then for drinks at marina mandarin. yup, i have this liking for korean food. but for tonight, i guess it was the company that matters.

:-)

45

read willie's blog earlier and he reflected about turning 35 (he turned 35 yesterday)... and he shared how significant it was for him to be crossing the halfway mark. and as for me... well, i just turned 45 a couple of minutes ago. and by willie's projection of 70 as the end, i am well over the halfway mark! closer to the 3/4 mark! (actually i consider 65 to be my end point) hahaha... and reflecting, it seemed like i am able to see the forward journey much clearer than the last 45 years. afterall, 20 years is not too long a time. i am reminded of my reflections when my dad passed away, where i was able to see my past and sensed what was to come ahead. weird hor... well, at 45, really, everyday is the same. things have slowed down, i have mellowed, the fire is weaker, i drink coffee more than i drink liquor, i tend to want to pamper myself, i am even more reflective, i learn to take things slow, a lot slower, i am less impatient, i am more spiritual, i am more culturally aware, i am more rooted, i tend to resist change more...

in another words, i am 45 years young.

:-)

mri scan

did my mri scan this evening. didn't like the experience. in fact, the whole experience of going the changi general hospital at night reminded me of the very evening when i had to accompany my dad's body to the mortuary 3 years ago. anyway, my visit to the radiology (or was it radiography? whatever) department was somewhat of a replay of my previous visits there. had been there for one too many x-ray, mri, ct scans etc. this time round, it was for my back. had been experiencing the pain for the last 4 months plus.

i think the radiologist (or radiographer? again... whatever) knew i had gone through these procedures before cos unlike previous times where i was briefed on what to expect, what to do, etc, this time round, he did not say much, except to ask me to remove all metallic objects on my body, change into my hospital gown and quickly asked me to lie down onto the machine. and before i knew it, i was subject to all sorts of waves invading my body... despite wearing the ear mufflers, the noise from the machine was terrible. it sounded like some trance music and it blasted almost non-stop. i must stay still i reminded myself. i must relax. and so, i close my eyes almost through the whole process. i imagined i was in a club. at some point in time, i suspected i dozed off...

it lasted about 25min but it seemed forever.

and before i knew it, the guy came up to me, and told me i could leave.

(for a short moment, i suspected he was gay, don't ask me why, gaydar perhaps)

anyway... back to my back. still very painful. hope to resolve it soon.

boom!

the tyres of my car seemed rather flat of late (over the last month or so actually). and i had been pumping in air to get it inflated. i suspected there could be a puncture somewhere but could not see any nails.

this evening, while washing my car after my mri scan, i noted that the tyre was flat again. and so i decided to head to the petrol kiosk to inflate the tyre again. it was really flat this time round. i inserted the nozzle and pump the air. true enough, the pressure was like 20-55... hmmm... that was way below the norm of 200-220 that i usually maintain... and so i squatted there, pumping the tyre. and then next thing i knew... boom!

the explosion startled me. i almost fell backwards. but my first instinct was to run away. everyone at the petrol kiosk turned and stared at me. it seemed like the whole world came to a stand still... and all i could do was to sheepishly look at everyone, smile and hide behind my car. quickly, i took out my spare tyre, changed it (took my almost half an hour!) and came home straight away. there was indeed a nail stuck in the burst tyres. and the thread on the innerside of the tyre was so worn out the metal mesh was almost visible. thank goodness it happened tonight. if it had happened on the road when i have passengers in my car, i cannot imagine the consequences. i may be ready to go anytime, but it would be so unfair to bring people along with me in such situations.

i was all sweaty and dirty by the time i got home...

haha!

elderly rehab center

things moved very fast today. checked my phone after doing my marketing and realized i had 2 missed call. returned the call. it was from the elderly rehab center. told me i need to bring mum down for an assessment during any weekday afternoon.

i did so right away. was impressed by the professionalism and friendliness of the staff. and was very happy that mum responded well to them. she was not afraid of them and they made her feel at ease almost immediately. it helped by the fact that the staff were largely malay/ malay-speaking and mum felt at ease straightaway.

the physiotherapist was also very professional. asked a series of questions to test mum's memory and managed to make her talk. it was a casual and easy conversation and in no time, together with all the staff around, mum was laughing and giggling away. they even managed to make her walk around, test the stair climbing, etc. quite a nice change for once. and finally when asked about when she would like to start the rehab treatment, mum responded that she wanted to do so right this coming monday. she sounded very enthusiastic.

and that enthusiasm in itself was a nice change.

looking forward to monday.

my suicide plans

have never told anyone about this before. if you are freaked out by death, don't read on. the following are 4 specific plans that i have planned before with regards how i will end my life.

• plan a: i will find myself a high place (actually no need too high but high enough) and i will simply, jump... simple. fastest way to go.

• plan b: i will be driving and speeding as fast as i could. then, i will close my eyes and release my hands from the steering wheel.

• plan c: i will be driving and speeding as fast as i could. then i will open the door and throw myself out of my car.

• plan d: i will simply go to a highway. then i will close my eyes and dash across the road.

and frankly, i have tried plan c before. only reason why i am still here was that the person in the car pulled me in before i could fully throw myself out. and amongst all these plans, plan a is the surest to succeed and the one that have been playing through my mind very frequently in recent years/ months/ weeks/ days. in fact, when i stand at my window or balcony, i sometimes feel the tendency to jump. as for all the other plans, all has the disadvantage of me not achieving death...

ok, enough of such talk. just wanna put them into writing here.

and hey, i am not pantang to talk about death.

picture from http://www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/an-alert-against-suicide-1.jpg

what to eat?

these couple of evenings, i get smses from a couple of my closer friends asking me what i would like to eat this coming sat. heh heh... not often do i get this kinda attention. feels good. then again, damned, am feeding my own ego again!

haha!

sms etiquette

in this post, i shall reflect about my thoughts about sms etiquette. most people will say things like being clear in the message, use less shortforms, etc. these are all correct answers. and if i may add, it is also about keeping the conversation going. it is about timely responses.

think about this, do you have friends who do not reply smses? or reply a day or two later? how do you feel about it? some of you may be ok with it, but for some, it may be rather irksome. and some of you may justify it as "well, it's a habit". but to me, beyond a certain point, it's no longer about a person's habit, it reflects the person's lack of respect for other people. timely responses to smses is a form of basic courtesy and respect. you reply as a show of respect to the other person. and if you do not have the time, you should at least reply with a "ttyl" or something along that line. right?

it is no different from holding a conversation. you do not leave a person hanging. and in the context of sms, the sms is but a medium through which a conversation is carried out. and if you respect a person, you will give a quick enough respond and keep the conversation going. and if you reply late for whatever reasons, you apologize. you don't take for granted that you have all the time in the world to reply. such attitudes has no place where interpersonal skills are concerned. it's no different from face-to-face conversation.

bottomline, you have to recognize that when people sends an sms, people wants to communicate. ok, ok, communicate is probably too large a word. rephrase - people wants to say something or to have a conversation. and from this perspective, it is important for the receiver to acknowledge or to respond promptly enough for the conversation to flow. no? always have tensions with people who either respond too late or do not respond at all. and worst still, for some people who do not respond, yet expect you to know what they are thinking about and be sensitive to their needs.

anyone any thoughts?

picture from http://ignite4god.com/sms/

francis

had a very long chat with francis via whatsapp last evening... lots of sharing. it started off with him trying to discourage me from deleting my facebook account. and it ended with us talking about a lot of other stuffs.

it is always so nice to have good friends to drop by and say hello!

:-)

mri mri mri

got 5 missed calls from the hospital this morning. and later, when they called again, the staff told me my mri appointment has been brought forward from next feb to this fri 16 dec. very efficient huh? should i be happy?

well, at least i need not wait for 2 more months...

insomnia again

does anyone know how to cure insomnia... have not been able to sleep over the last 2-3 weeks. even when i finally doze off, i would wake up every half hour or so.

of cos, from a half full perspective, i get to enjoy the quiet of the night.

picture from http://rialiseimc.wordpress.com/2009/08/11/top-10-poems-about-insomnia/

sub-70

the last time i weigh myself at the hospital, i have dropped to just below 70kg...

haha! have lost over 7kgs thus far over the last half year...

with more than a kg lost just over the past 2 weeks.

is this good?

optimistically speaking, it means i am moving towards my ideal bmi...

a dog

is a man's best friend.

how true.

how very true.

sometimes, it is thoughts of sapphie that prevented me from making the final dash...

x-ray

finally went for my medical appt this afternoon for my bad back. terribly painful since jul. the x-ray showed everything to be normal and the doctor could not really explain the pain. so i will be put through the mri for a more detailed test in feb 12. gonna cost me a bomb. and in the meantime, i will have to undergo physiotherapy to try to clear the pain.

let's hope it's nothing big...

damned grandmother

was at the foodcourt earlier and there was this 3-tier family having dinner. the grands were in their 60s, parents in their 30s and the grandchildren (a boy and a girl) about 4-6 years old. and this was what a grandmother told her old granddaughter (who is probably no more than 5 years old) "your grandfather says he wants to rape you..." and she said it in a very normal nonchalant manner... and the conversation tapered off...

wtf right?

totally salah!

dementia

these days, i constantly worry about my mum - a person with dementia who is at the same time suffering from paranoia and depression. at work, whenever i call her handphone and it is not on or she does not answer, i will drop all things and rush home. and often when i reach home, i will find her either throwing tantrums or that she had switched off her handphone. and when i am at home, she will keep asking me about this and that and many a times, the questions are all very illogical and repetitive. it can get very irksome and can really get to me. also, her fear of people wanting to harm her is totally illogical. she needs to close and lock all doors, even at my 6th floor, she suspects people will climb into the house from downstairs. it's very tiring.

at times, i really hope this phase of dementia would quickly pass and that she will hit a state where she will just keep quiet. then again, i am simply venting. can really die if i were to go through all these nonsense of hers day in day out and many a times, i really do not want to come home. to have a home that i cannot come back to is something not many people can understand.

sighs...

45

i'll be 45 in less than a week's time and i am seriously wondering wtf i have achieved in life. perhaps to some i have achieved a lot, but to me, it feels like i have wasted a whole lot of my life doing a whole lot of work/ chasing after people and things that would not really matter to me moving ahead...

or was it so? hmmm...

i need to reconnect with my purpose in life.

ps: 45 is counted from my date of human birth. but i am only 15 if counted from the date of my gay birth aka coming out. and frankly, i think i have matured a lot more as a gay person than compared to me as a person person... then again, who cares right?

picture from http://bestwallpapershut.blogspot.com/2011/07/free-birthday-cake-and-candles-desktop.html

jaded

every so often, a part of me dies. and over time, the heart gets hardened. but it is not something i want to. i have consciously resisted such effects. i cannot deny myself my desire and my ability to love, to care and to pamper. i only have to learn better to do it without expectations.

fb no more

in may, i blocked all the people in my facebook friend-list and only open my postings to some closer friends. and today, i deleted my account (yes delete, not deactivate). i have 14 days to review my decision and if i do not log in within the next 14 days, my account will be deleted for good. looking forward to that day.

i should live a real life and not live a cyber life.

can money buy love?

what do you think?

december!

omfg! i have been so busy and so self-engrossed that i had forgotten that it is already december! each year at this time, i would be in a reflective mood and think about what happened the past year. and i would also think about how i should christen the year. i better start thinking about it. some quick off the cuff names for a start...

• year of challenges
• year of growth
• year of lessons
• year of difficulties
• year of ...

ok, time to think hard...

on leave

had to clear my dec leave. but as usual, i ended up doing work at home. but well, managed to take some time off to have tea with an old friend. told him about my recent tensions - work, family, etc... and he was like - wtf! let go, get out of the house, get some fresh air, go meet more people, don't be so stressed up.

i supposed he is right...

self-indulgent

was at a friend's place for tea yesterday and i recalled him telling me that his blog was a little too self-indulgent. when i read it, i was like - ooooo, come on... that was nothing compared to my blog... in fact, compared to what he blogged, mine would be considered self-obsession... haha... i guess many of us (or perhaps all of us) tend to be very self-centered. we always see things from the "me, me, me" perspective (and that is very riz low and very singaporean). and ever so often, there would be this tendency to be attached to our own self-ego, our face, etc.

reflecting on my past couple of weeks, i acknowledged i had been too engrossed in my own self. i did things to people, and for people to make myself happy. and i get upset when people gets angry/ when my expectations were not met. i end up blaming myself. and i see this pattern being repeated in the context of work, personal life, home, etc... eg when my boss get angry with bad results, he did not see my efforts, he saw my failure, and i get upset, i see it as a failure on my part, etc when i do things for people, i expect returns, when i do not get the returns, my expectations were not met, i get upset, the returns did not commensurate with my efforts. crux of all these was - my ego was bruised.

bottom of it all was - it was about me. that is no good at all.

yes, i have to rise above all these. there are always ways to see things from a half-full perspective rather than a half-empty perspective. in the context of work, when you have done your best and things still fail, you must accept that it could be a system issue, legacy issue, etc and not necessarily be becos of you. key to it all is the fact that i must try to remove the element of "self" if all these equations. it is not about being irresponsibile, rather, it is about trying my best. and as long as i have tried my best, i should not and must not expect any returns to feed on my ego.

thank you

thank you all who have been here posting words of encouragement over the past weeks. it's been really tough for me on all fronts in recent weeks. and it has been really really strangling. admittedly, i have wallowed and dwelled in my sorrows a tat too long. at some point in time, i really really was at the verge of leaving this world for good. i think i will need to take control and snap out of it.

i am not sure if i can do it in such a clean cut manner. but i shall and i will try. i may falter but i will push on.

thanks again.

choices

i have a choice. to be happy.

i need to snap out of my current mindset.
i must make the efforts.

i need to identify the source of my unhappiness.
i must reflect on it.

i need to stop letting people control me.
i must let go, i must be more confident of myself.

i need to stop letting my bosses affect my moods.
i must be thick skin.

i need to stop letting situations make me upset.
i must take control and/ or walk away.

i need to stop letting work bog me down.
i must recognize that for things to work, it will take time.

i need to be less punishing on myself.
i must forgive myself.

i need to make the efforts to be happy.
i must think happy thoughts.

i need to harness positive energies.
i must exercise, stay healthy and be positive.

i need to reconnect with my spiritual self.
i must restart my meditation practice.

i need to stop believing that happiness is defined by my surrounding and people around me.
no, happiness comes from within.
it is not about what people do, it is about what i do.
and it must be without expectations.

. selflessness .

. altruism .

. compassion .

. love .

. understanding .

. wisdom .

i have a choice. i can be happy.

and i must start now.

mid-life crisis

is what i am experiencing called mid-life crisis?

hmmm... but i don't believe so.

mid-life crisis are for people for are successful yet feel aimless and lost. for me, i am literally living on a monthly deficit with all the loans, bills and mounting expenses from my mum's medical condition. i don't even have 6 months of savings to tide me over to the next job if and when i change job. my house now is not a home, in fact, it seemed more like a jail... it is draining me financially every month. and everyday, i come back to loads of negative energies from my mum. she is no longer a sane person. she lives in her past. and she throws tantrums and wallows all the time. the concept of time does not apply to her anymore. today is yesterday, today is tomorrow, past is present, present is past. it is just so draining.

so i cannot consider myself to be successful, not with all these stresses and not with my current financial status point of view.

sighs...

life

has no meaning

at this point in time...

interest, lack of it

was at bugis and as i browsed around the stuff, it struck me... i really have no interest in anything! really. nothing interests me at all! not the clothes, not the displays, not the toiletries, not the perfumes... in fact, really really nothing at all! i felt really really detached from all these things. everything seemed so materialistic to me... and in a weird way, i really really felt i have lost all sense of interest in the world, in my life, in the things around me.

it felt weird. for that moment, the thought of withdrawing from the world struck me. for that moment, i wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. for that moment, i thought - hmmm... perhaps i should just enter monkhood and detach myself from all worldly things...

it seemed that all positive energies have disappeared.

what is happening to me?

ps: the thought of monkhood is real, but the motivation of wanting to be a monk becos i have lost interest in things is really wrong. no?

lunar birthday/ eclipse

today is my lunar birthday. supposedly my 46th birthday. by gregorian calender computation, i am not even 45... hmmm... then again, the chinese compute the birthdate from the day of conception. so, that kinda explains the extra one year. anyway, have been feeling rather depressed lately. and to get a lunar eclipse on my lunar birthday really top it all off...

:-(

征服

this song kept playing in my mind...

whew

i am glad that fri is here finally. been a tough couple of weeks and am surviving day-to-day. weekends are what i look forward to although i would say they always come and go too fast. will be working through this weekend at my office. but i suppose the fact that my big boss is overseas (from today) for the next week plus somehow takes a lot of stress away from me...

gotta use this week plus to catch up and do as much as i can.

and one thing i observed - bosses like stir a lot a lot a lot of shit and create a lot a lot a lot of work before they go on leave. and when they come back from leave, they expect the shit to be cleared. and if this is not fully achieved, they will make helluva lot of noise. and as a mid-management person, i have subordinates and i have to also ask them to clear their leave. so when both my bosses and my grade staff all go on leave, i end up trying to clear the shit myself/ with a small team of whoever is left. and inevitably, i end up not being able to have a break... (all these made worst by the fact that i have 4 bosses above me and they all do not necessarily sing the same tune, yet all load the same amount of shit)...

hmmm... is this the life i want?

wtf right?

gastric

haven't been sleeping and eating well these last couple of weeks. at night, i would either not be able to sleep or i would have disturbed sleep. i would wake up almost every other hour. as for meals, a standard day would be - coffee black and a piece of bread for breakfast (or something real light), nothing or at most a cup of coffee for lunch, and then a late light dinner. somehow, i did not feel hungry. i just have no appetite whatsoever. perhaps i have been too stressed out by my life lately.

today, it was the same. i did not even drink any water through the day. was busy meeting after meeting. felt so tired and drained by the end of the day. and to make things worst, my mum was in her tantrums again. and now, it was my second sis's turn to lose her cool. had to rush back home to settle things. by the time i got things in place, it was already close to 8. went for my dinner and decided to get a beer. i need to cool my system i thought. the first gulp was super refreshing. the food came and i took a couple of mouthfuls. and then it happened. a sudden stabbing pain hit me on the left side of my abdomen. the intensity was something i had never experienced before. i was grimacing in pain. didn't really finish my dinner.

rushed home and lied in my bed, all curled up. the intensity of the pain continue to increase. i was literally cold and near shivering. i found it hard to breathe but had to keep making the effort to take in deep breath. it went on for a while but it felt forever. i was wondering if i should get an ambulance.

by about 11pm, thankfully, the pain subsided. i got out of bed, took out my lenses and limped my way to the kitchen to get some antacid. drank a glass of milo too. things improved a little after that.

as of now, the pain is still there. but it is relatively much more manageable.

hope it goes away quickly.

fuck!

yup, the "fuck" word came out of my big bosses' mouth today. well, it was directed at my staff. but he kept going on about leadership and all and i supposed it was indirectly directed at me. then again, as per all barking dogs, just give them the airtime, let them vent, and things will be fine after all the f-ing. impermanence. non-self. no self-ego. no attachment to face. think of good thoughts. things of positive energies. that was how i went through the day today. in the end, just thick skin walk in to the meeting room, kenah left, right, center, front and back... and then kenah walk into his office, kenah the f, f, f and walk out with a "thank you" still...

life goes on. look on the bright side, i reminded myself. when going for a buttering session, it is always good to go prepared to be buttered really really bad. that way, if the buttering was less than anything expected, you will walk out happy (well, i cannot say the same for sex, hahaha! but well, you get what i mean). yes, i walked out not particularly happy, but i did walk out feeling glad that it had come and gone.

fuck!

hahahahahahahahahaha!

bad week ahoy

not looking forward to the week ahead.

meeting tomorrow with big boss. preparing to be screwed big time by him in public. foreseeing my staff to throw paper soon too. i will probably be doing the same very soon.

totally not looking forward to it.

diarrhea

been having diarrhea for the last 2 days... better today.

cold

feverish. very cold.

falling sick.

i need help

...................................

perfect storm

in life, a perform storm is when everything you know, care about, work for, come home to, look forward to, and so on, crash onto you and stresses you out all at the same time... and it does not look like there is light at the end of the never-ending tunnel. that is what i am facing now. frankly, i am beyond stressed. i am so tired and so fucking drained.

i hate to say this, but i am entertaining thoughts of death again...

i need help!

picture from http://www.geography.org.uk/cpdevents/onlinecpd/geographyoffood/theperfectstorm/

being harsh

when one is harsh on himself, he indirectly exact the same harshness on the people around him. let me elaborate...

context - at work. when a boss is harsh on himself by exacting very difficult demands on himself, he tend to become very harsh on the people around him too. and unfairly so becos he cannot exact everyone to behave like him. i have one business unit head who is very excitable, very selfish and very self-centric. he carries people's balls and takes pleasure in destroying people (for the right or the wrong reasons) just to make his own people look good (even if his people are worthless). so his people loves him. but his whole business unit is very excitable and all the staff in his business unit are very stressed and tensed up... hmmm...

context - in a relationship. if one feels he is not worth being loved, and denies the love and attention given to him by his loved ones, his loved ones will feel dejected, unhappy and often depressed. so in his own self-centeredness, he feels he is doing what he needs to do to protect himself. and the result - people around him gets hurt, feels dejected, depressed and the mood soured.

so? morale of the story? live the moment, give yourself a chance in life. be less harsh on yourself. you must take into considerations the impact of your behaviour on the people around you. you are you, but you are also part of a larger circle of people around. instead of being harsh, why not be happy instead? let the happiness shine.

no?

picture from http://health.wikinut.com/img/3nvjwqajhyyevdyd/Harsh-World

of work & leave

i am on leave today, yet technically, i am still at work cos i log on into my email and do work-related stuff at home. and when i get off work daily, i continue working when i reach home. i know such behaviours are not good. but it had become a habit. and it is not just me, it seemed like everyone at my work place do the same, it is the culture of the company. everyone seems to thrive on such unhealthy work habits. and my bosses expect me to do so... not good. not good at all. but i went with the flow. nonetheless, i made sure i do not impose the same demands nor expect the same of my staff. i mean, work will never end, so why be held hostage by it? right?

last year, when i joined the company, my staff, who was about to leave for his honeymoon, asked me - do you need me to bring my laptop along? i can still be reachable and if need be, i can log on and clear anything you need me to do. well, on the bright side, it reflected my staff's willingness to work, but in the most unhealthy sense, it reflected the lack of respect for the individual on the part of the company. of cos, in a competitive environment, one needs to be responsive, but i strongly believe this is up to a certain level, after which, work is work, life is life. there must be a clear distinction between the 2. and certainly, i sensed that from my top/ senior management point of view, they do not see it that way. in fact, if you are constantly at the beck and call and are responsive regardless of day or time, you are considered good and they will like you very much...

hmmm... not healthy right?

and yes, back to my staff, i told him to switch off his handphone, leave his laptop in singapore and simply go and enjoy his honeymoon. i will not call nor email. and even if i do, i certainly would not expect him to respond. my attitude to my staff is - when at work, work hard, and when at play, play hard. try not to mix work and play. no one is indispensible.

about me

i am an emotional and sentimental person.

i am very sensitive to people's feelings. i sense their happiness/ sadness very easily. and i often end up getting affected by it, especially if they are people that i care for very much. i also get extra affected if i feel i am the one who was the cause of their unhappiness. my mood can swing from being happy to being depress very quickly and once i get depressed, it will take me a long while to get out of it. and that depressive state, i would retract into the confines of my own inner space and withdraw from the world.

becos i am a sensitive person, i never like to be kept in the dark or to be kept guessing. i prefer people to tell me their feelings, whether they are happy or they are sad, cos it makes it a lot easier for me to calibrate my responses and know how to deal with them (altho it does not mean i will be less prone to getting depress)... and whenever i have people who do not express themselves or keep things to themselves; and only choose show their happy front, i become extra sensitive to them. so, whenever i sense unhappiness in these people, i'd blame myself for being the cause of their unhappiness.

is this a bad thing? the good side is that i am very attuned to people's happiness and many people come to me as they would an aunt agony. the negative side is that i become an emotional wrecked easily.

and that is bad for my emotional state.

about living

l.i.f.e - d.e.a.t.h

i brought my mum to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad this morning. rather spontaneous about it. decided to do so after breakfast. thought it would be good to bring her around since she stays at home most of the time during weekdays. as we drove out of the columbarium, i was reminded once again of this thought - that we must first accept the certainty of death before we can really learn how to live.

i guess this went through my head becos of late, a couple of my friends have lamented that they are afraid of getting old, facing painful sickness and eventually death. one shared that it would be really nice if he could just sleep and die without waking up. in a way, i understood where my friends were coming from. but the thing is, the more afraid one is of death, and tries to avoid it (in a negative sense), one tend to suffer more. and despite trying to escape the sufferings and pains, death will still come. so, why not accept it, embrace it's certainty and learn to live life to the fullest. only when we can do this can we face death and gladly walk the next lap with him/ her, whatever... cos we would then be able to leave this world without regrets.

no?

i supposed my view point was influenced by my buddhist faith. the 4 noble truths and the concept of impermanence. this helped me become less attached to things and accept that fact that one day, i shall leave this world... then again, i still need to cultivate my spiritual self further. still find myself full of ego many a times... clinging on to my "face" and "ego".

psle results/ perspectives

today, the education ministry announced the psle results. and sometime mid-afternoon, i got 2 smses about it. one was from a friend and the other from my sis. both their kids managed to pass the psle with flying colours. for my friend, she said she was happy with her son's achievement. instead, it was her son who was unhappy with the results... hmmm... i supposed this was a happy problem. happy in that her son had taken it upon himself to do well. as for my sis, her daugther's results was nothing short of stellar. yet she complained that she now has lots of problem selecting a school for her daughter cos her score was 1 point short of entry into the top school in singapore. and added to that, her daughter had chosen a school that she felt was a little too far for her.

and i was thinking - wow, such a happy outcome yet it was made to sound rather negative. there are probably thousands and thousands of people who are happy just to be able to get into a secondary school or worst still, people who could not pass and had to undergo vocational skill training, etc. and here, the worry is about not being able to get into a top school or that the school was too far... it certainly struck me how a different perspective is all it takes to make a good bad and a bad good. and from that angle, yes, although i am facing so much problems at work, the fact that i have at least a job makes it a happy fact for me.

:-)

no need white cards to enter m'sia

the media carried an article today where the foreign ministry of malaysia and the immigration department announced that there would not be a need to have the white card to enter malaysia. accordingly, this was due to the inability to get the white cards printed, there was insufficient cards. and this would be so for the next 2 weeks or so until new white cards are printed.

when i read that, i almost laughed out loud. well, at the rate of their own immigration officers earning a living by selling the white cards, whatever they print will likely disappear in no time. as for me, i still have a stack of close to 100 white cards in my car... and i do not know what to do with them!

haha!

:-)

bee's birthday

this month is bee's birthday. and for the first time after several years, i decided not to organise a gathering amongst my usual group of friends to celebrate his birthday. instead what we did was to have a simple quiet dinner by ourselves.

:-)

ps: it's very tiring to always be the one organising such gatherings. time to give myself a break. if people are interested and have the heart, they will initiate the organization right? heh...

paranoia

mum's paranoia has gotten worst. she now suspects bee wants to harm her. she has been giving me a lot of stress lately by her suspicious side-stares and her weird behaviours. she had also asked my sis to bring her to the temple to pray. and when i asked her about it, she shhhhh me and waved furiously at me, telling me not to bring it up cos she does not want bee to know about it. not a good feeling.

am trying to find a day rehab for her now. kinda lengthy process to get the admission. need to get referral from aic, get the doctor to assess her condition, undergo means testing and once all these are cleared will the rehab center accept mum. spoke to the psychiatrist that had attended to her all these years and he agreed that it would be a good idea to keep her mind occupied. and when i spoke with her, it was good that she was somewhat receptive to it.

let's see how i can move this forward.

wish me luck.

photo from http://www.heratix.com/2009/10/01/paranoia/