a dog

is a man's best friend.

how true.

how very true.

sometimes, it is thoughts of sapphie that prevented me from making the final dash...

x-ray

finally went for my medical appt this afternoon for my bad back. terribly painful since jul. the x-ray showed everything to be normal and the doctor could not really explain the pain. so i will be put through the mri for a more detailed test in feb 12. gonna cost me a bomb. and in the meantime, i will have to undergo physiotherapy to try to clear the pain.

let's hope it's nothing big...

damned grandmother

was at the foodcourt earlier and there was this 3-tier family having dinner. the grands were in their 60s, parents in their 30s and the grandchildren (a boy and a girl) about 4-6 years old. and this was what a grandmother told her old granddaughter (who is probably no more than 5 years old) "your grandfather says he wants to rape you..." and she said it in a very normal nonchalant manner... and the conversation tapered off...

wtf right?

totally salah!

dementia

these days, i constantly worry about my mum - a person with dementia who is at the same time suffering from paranoia and depression. at work, whenever i call her handphone and it is not on or she does not answer, i will drop all things and rush home. and often when i reach home, i will find her either throwing tantrums or that she had switched off her handphone. and when i am at home, she will keep asking me about this and that and many a times, the questions are all very illogical and repetitive. it can get very irksome and can really get to me. also, her fear of people wanting to harm her is totally illogical. she needs to close and lock all doors, even at my 6th floor, she suspects people will climb into the house from downstairs. it's very tiring.

at times, i really hope this phase of dementia would quickly pass and that she will hit a state where she will just keep quiet. then again, i am simply venting. can really die if i were to go through all these nonsense of hers day in day out and many a times, i really do not want to come home. to have a home that i cannot come back to is something not many people can understand.

sighs...

45

i'll be 45 in less than a week's time and i am seriously wondering wtf i have achieved in life. perhaps to some i have achieved a lot, but to me, it feels like i have wasted a whole lot of my life doing a whole lot of work/ chasing after people and things that would not really matter to me moving ahead...

or was it so? hmmm...

i need to reconnect with my purpose in life.

ps: 45 is counted from my date of human birth. but i am only 15 if counted from the date of my gay birth aka coming out. and frankly, i think i have matured a lot more as a gay person than compared to me as a person person... then again, who cares right?

picture from http://bestwallpapershut.blogspot.com/2011/07/free-birthday-cake-and-candles-desktop.html

jaded

every so often, a part of me dies. and over time, the heart gets hardened. but it is not something i want to. i have consciously resisted such effects. i cannot deny myself my desire and my ability to love, to care and to pamper. i only have to learn better to do it without expectations.

fb no more

in may, i blocked all the people in my facebook friend-list and only open my postings to some closer friends. and today, i deleted my account (yes delete, not deactivate). i have 14 days to review my decision and if i do not log in within the next 14 days, my account will be deleted for good. looking forward to that day.

i should live a real life and not live a cyber life.

can money buy love?

what do you think?

december!

omfg! i have been so busy and so self-engrossed that i had forgotten that it is already december! each year at this time, i would be in a reflective mood and think about what happened the past year. and i would also think about how i should christen the year. i better start thinking about it. some quick off the cuff names for a start...

• year of challenges
• year of growth
• year of lessons
• year of difficulties
• year of ...

ok, time to think hard...

on leave

had to clear my dec leave. but as usual, i ended up doing work at home. but well, managed to take some time off to have tea with an old friend. told him about my recent tensions - work, family, etc... and he was like - wtf! let go, get out of the house, get some fresh air, go meet more people, don't be so stressed up.

i supposed he is right...

self-indulgent

was at a friend's place for tea yesterday and i recalled him telling me that his blog was a little too self-indulgent. when i read it, i was like - ooooo, come on... that was nothing compared to my blog... in fact, compared to what he blogged, mine would be considered self-obsession... haha... i guess many of us (or perhaps all of us) tend to be very self-centered. we always see things from the "me, me, me" perspective (and that is very riz low and very singaporean). and ever so often, there would be this tendency to be attached to our own self-ego, our face, etc.

reflecting on my past couple of weeks, i acknowledged i had been too engrossed in my own self. i did things to people, and for people to make myself happy. and i get upset when people gets angry/ when my expectations were not met. i end up blaming myself. and i see this pattern being repeated in the context of work, personal life, home, etc... eg when my boss get angry with bad results, he did not see my efforts, he saw my failure, and i get upset, i see it as a failure on my part, etc when i do things for people, i expect returns, when i do not get the returns, my expectations were not met, i get upset, the returns did not commensurate with my efforts. crux of all these was - my ego was bruised.

bottom of it all was - it was about me. that is no good at all.

yes, i have to rise above all these. there are always ways to see things from a half-full perspective rather than a half-empty perspective. in the context of work, when you have done your best and things still fail, you must accept that it could be a system issue, legacy issue, etc and not necessarily be becos of you. key to it all is the fact that i must try to remove the element of "self" if all these equations. it is not about being irresponsibile, rather, it is about trying my best. and as long as i have tried my best, i should not and must not expect any returns to feed on my ego.

thank you

thank you all who have been here posting words of encouragement over the past weeks. it's been really tough for me on all fronts in recent weeks. and it has been really really strangling. admittedly, i have wallowed and dwelled in my sorrows a tat too long. at some point in time, i really really was at the verge of leaving this world for good. i think i will need to take control and snap out of it.

i am not sure if i can do it in such a clean cut manner. but i shall and i will try. i may falter but i will push on.

thanks again.

choices

i have a choice. to be happy.

i need to snap out of my current mindset.
i must make the efforts.

i need to identify the source of my unhappiness.
i must reflect on it.

i need to stop letting people control me.
i must let go, i must be more confident of myself.

i need to stop letting my bosses affect my moods.
i must be thick skin.

i need to stop letting situations make me upset.
i must take control and/ or walk away.

i need to stop letting work bog me down.
i must recognize that for things to work, it will take time.

i need to be less punishing on myself.
i must forgive myself.

i need to make the efforts to be happy.
i must think happy thoughts.

i need to harness positive energies.
i must exercise, stay healthy and be positive.

i need to reconnect with my spiritual self.
i must restart my meditation practice.

i need to stop believing that happiness is defined by my surrounding and people around me.
no, happiness comes from within.
it is not about what people do, it is about what i do.
and it must be without expectations.

. selflessness .

. altruism .

. compassion .

. love .

. understanding .

. wisdom .

i have a choice. i can be happy.

and i must start now.

mid-life crisis

is what i am experiencing called mid-life crisis?

hmmm... but i don't believe so.

mid-life crisis are for people for are successful yet feel aimless and lost. for me, i am literally living on a monthly deficit with all the loans, bills and mounting expenses from my mum's medical condition. i don't even have 6 months of savings to tide me over to the next job if and when i change job. my house now is not a home, in fact, it seemed more like a jail... it is draining me financially every month. and everyday, i come back to loads of negative energies from my mum. she is no longer a sane person. she lives in her past. and she throws tantrums and wallows all the time. the concept of time does not apply to her anymore. today is yesterday, today is tomorrow, past is present, present is past. it is just so draining.

so i cannot consider myself to be successful, not with all these stresses and not with my current financial status point of view.

sighs...

life

has no meaning

at this point in time...

interest, lack of it

was at bugis and as i browsed around the stuff, it struck me... i really have no interest in anything! really. nothing interests me at all! not the clothes, not the displays, not the toiletries, not the perfumes... in fact, really really nothing at all! i felt really really detached from all these things. everything seemed so materialistic to me... and in a weird way, i really really felt i have lost all sense of interest in the world, in my life, in the things around me.

it felt weird. for that moment, the thought of withdrawing from the world struck me. for that moment, i wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. for that moment, i thought - hmmm... perhaps i should just enter monkhood and detach myself from all worldly things...

it seemed that all positive energies have disappeared.

what is happening to me?

ps: the thought of monkhood is real, but the motivation of wanting to be a monk becos i have lost interest in things is really wrong. no?

lunar birthday/ eclipse

today is my lunar birthday. supposedly my 46th birthday. by gregorian calender computation, i am not even 45... hmmm... then again, the chinese compute the birthdate from the day of conception. so, that kinda explains the extra one year. anyway, have been feeling rather depressed lately. and to get a lunar eclipse on my lunar birthday really top it all off...

:-(

征服

this song kept playing in my mind...

whew

i am glad that fri is here finally. been a tough couple of weeks and am surviving day-to-day. weekends are what i look forward to although i would say they always come and go too fast. will be working through this weekend at my office. but i suppose the fact that my big boss is overseas (from today) for the next week plus somehow takes a lot of stress away from me...

gotta use this week plus to catch up and do as much as i can.

and one thing i observed - bosses like stir a lot a lot a lot of shit and create a lot a lot a lot of work before they go on leave. and when they come back from leave, they expect the shit to be cleared. and if this is not fully achieved, they will make helluva lot of noise. and as a mid-management person, i have subordinates and i have to also ask them to clear their leave. so when both my bosses and my grade staff all go on leave, i end up trying to clear the shit myself/ with a small team of whoever is left. and inevitably, i end up not being able to have a break... (all these made worst by the fact that i have 4 bosses above me and they all do not necessarily sing the same tune, yet all load the same amount of shit)...

hmmm... is this the life i want?

wtf right?

gastric

haven't been sleeping and eating well these last couple of weeks. at night, i would either not be able to sleep or i would have disturbed sleep. i would wake up almost every other hour. as for meals, a standard day would be - coffee black and a piece of bread for breakfast (or something real light), nothing or at most a cup of coffee for lunch, and then a late light dinner. somehow, i did not feel hungry. i just have no appetite whatsoever. perhaps i have been too stressed out by my life lately.

today, it was the same. i did not even drink any water through the day. was busy meeting after meeting. felt so tired and drained by the end of the day. and to make things worst, my mum was in her tantrums again. and now, it was my second sis's turn to lose her cool. had to rush back home to settle things. by the time i got things in place, it was already close to 8. went for my dinner and decided to get a beer. i need to cool my system i thought. the first gulp was super refreshing. the food came and i took a couple of mouthfuls. and then it happened. a sudden stabbing pain hit me on the left side of my abdomen. the intensity was something i had never experienced before. i was grimacing in pain. didn't really finish my dinner.

rushed home and lied in my bed, all curled up. the intensity of the pain continue to increase. i was literally cold and near shivering. i found it hard to breathe but had to keep making the effort to take in deep breath. it went on for a while but it felt forever. i was wondering if i should get an ambulance.

by about 11pm, thankfully, the pain subsided. i got out of bed, took out my lenses and limped my way to the kitchen to get some antacid. drank a glass of milo too. things improved a little after that.

as of now, the pain is still there. but it is relatively much more manageable.

hope it goes away quickly.

fuck!

yup, the "fuck" word came out of my big bosses' mouth today. well, it was directed at my staff. but he kept going on about leadership and all and i supposed it was indirectly directed at me. then again, as per all barking dogs, just give them the airtime, let them vent, and things will be fine after all the f-ing. impermanence. non-self. no self-ego. no attachment to face. think of good thoughts. things of positive energies. that was how i went through the day today. in the end, just thick skin walk in to the meeting room, kenah left, right, center, front and back... and then kenah walk into his office, kenah the f, f, f and walk out with a "thank you" still...

life goes on. look on the bright side, i reminded myself. when going for a buttering session, it is always good to go prepared to be buttered really really bad. that way, if the buttering was less than anything expected, you will walk out happy (well, i cannot say the same for sex, hahaha! but well, you get what i mean). yes, i walked out not particularly happy, but i did walk out feeling glad that it had come and gone.

fuck!

hahahahahahahahahaha!

bad week ahoy

not looking forward to the week ahead.

meeting tomorrow with big boss. preparing to be screwed big time by him in public. foreseeing my staff to throw paper soon too. i will probably be doing the same very soon.

totally not looking forward to it.

diarrhea

been having diarrhea for the last 2 days... better today.

cold

feverish. very cold.

falling sick.

i need help

...................................

perfect storm

in life, a perform storm is when everything you know, care about, work for, come home to, look forward to, and so on, crash onto you and stresses you out all at the same time... and it does not look like there is light at the end of the never-ending tunnel. that is what i am facing now. frankly, i am beyond stressed. i am so tired and so fucking drained.

i hate to say this, but i am entertaining thoughts of death again...

i need help!

picture from http://www.geography.org.uk/cpdevents/onlinecpd/geographyoffood/theperfectstorm/

being harsh

when one is harsh on himself, he indirectly exact the same harshness on the people around him. let me elaborate...

context - at work. when a boss is harsh on himself by exacting very difficult demands on himself, he tend to become very harsh on the people around him too. and unfairly so becos he cannot exact everyone to behave like him. i have one business unit head who is very excitable, very selfish and very self-centric. he carries people's balls and takes pleasure in destroying people (for the right or the wrong reasons) just to make his own people look good (even if his people are worthless). so his people loves him. but his whole business unit is very excitable and all the staff in his business unit are very stressed and tensed up... hmmm...

context - in a relationship. if one feels he is not worth being loved, and denies the love and attention given to him by his loved ones, his loved ones will feel dejected, unhappy and often depressed. so in his own self-centeredness, he feels he is doing what he needs to do to protect himself. and the result - people around him gets hurt, feels dejected, depressed and the mood soured.

so? morale of the story? live the moment, give yourself a chance in life. be less harsh on yourself. you must take into considerations the impact of your behaviour on the people around you. you are you, but you are also part of a larger circle of people around. instead of being harsh, why not be happy instead? let the happiness shine.

no?

picture from http://health.wikinut.com/img/3nvjwqajhyyevdyd/Harsh-World

of work & leave

i am on leave today, yet technically, i am still at work cos i log on into my email and do work-related stuff at home. and when i get off work daily, i continue working when i reach home. i know such behaviours are not good. but it had become a habit. and it is not just me, it seemed like everyone at my work place do the same, it is the culture of the company. everyone seems to thrive on such unhealthy work habits. and my bosses expect me to do so... not good. not good at all. but i went with the flow. nonetheless, i made sure i do not impose the same demands nor expect the same of my staff. i mean, work will never end, so why be held hostage by it? right?

last year, when i joined the company, my staff, who was about to leave for his honeymoon, asked me - do you need me to bring my laptop along? i can still be reachable and if need be, i can log on and clear anything you need me to do. well, on the bright side, it reflected my staff's willingness to work, but in the most unhealthy sense, it reflected the lack of respect for the individual on the part of the company. of cos, in a competitive environment, one needs to be responsive, but i strongly believe this is up to a certain level, after which, work is work, life is life. there must be a clear distinction between the 2. and certainly, i sensed that from my top/ senior management point of view, they do not see it that way. in fact, if you are constantly at the beck and call and are responsive regardless of day or time, you are considered good and they will like you very much...

hmmm... not healthy right?

and yes, back to my staff, i told him to switch off his handphone, leave his laptop in singapore and simply go and enjoy his honeymoon. i will not call nor email. and even if i do, i certainly would not expect him to respond. my attitude to my staff is - when at work, work hard, and when at play, play hard. try not to mix work and play. no one is indispensible.

about me

i am an emotional and sentimental person.

i am very sensitive to people's feelings. i sense their happiness/ sadness very easily. and i often end up getting affected by it, especially if they are people that i care for very much. i also get extra affected if i feel i am the one who was the cause of their unhappiness. my mood can swing from being happy to being depress very quickly and once i get depressed, it will take me a long while to get out of it. and that depressive state, i would retract into the confines of my own inner space and withdraw from the world.

becos i am a sensitive person, i never like to be kept in the dark or to be kept guessing. i prefer people to tell me their feelings, whether they are happy or they are sad, cos it makes it a lot easier for me to calibrate my responses and know how to deal with them (altho it does not mean i will be less prone to getting depress)... and whenever i have people who do not express themselves or keep things to themselves; and only choose show their happy front, i become extra sensitive to them. so, whenever i sense unhappiness in these people, i'd blame myself for being the cause of their unhappiness.

is this a bad thing? the good side is that i am very attuned to people's happiness and many people come to me as they would an aunt agony. the negative side is that i become an emotional wrecked easily.

and that is bad for my emotional state.

about living

l.i.f.e - d.e.a.t.h

i brought my mum to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad this morning. rather spontaneous about it. decided to do so after breakfast. thought it would be good to bring her around since she stays at home most of the time during weekdays. as we drove out of the columbarium, i was reminded once again of this thought - that we must first accept the certainty of death before we can really learn how to live.

i guess this went through my head becos of late, a couple of my friends have lamented that they are afraid of getting old, facing painful sickness and eventually death. one shared that it would be really nice if he could just sleep and die without waking up. in a way, i understood where my friends were coming from. but the thing is, the more afraid one is of death, and tries to avoid it (in a negative sense), one tend to suffer more. and despite trying to escape the sufferings and pains, death will still come. so, why not accept it, embrace it's certainty and learn to live life to the fullest. only when we can do this can we face death and gladly walk the next lap with him/ her, whatever... cos we would then be able to leave this world without regrets.

no?

i supposed my view point was influenced by my buddhist faith. the 4 noble truths and the concept of impermanence. this helped me become less attached to things and accept that fact that one day, i shall leave this world... then again, i still need to cultivate my spiritual self further. still find myself full of ego many a times... clinging on to my "face" and "ego".

psle results/ perspectives

today, the education ministry announced the psle results. and sometime mid-afternoon, i got 2 smses about it. one was from a friend and the other from my sis. both their kids managed to pass the psle with flying colours. for my friend, she said she was happy with her son's achievement. instead, it was her son who was unhappy with the results... hmmm... i supposed this was a happy problem. happy in that her son had taken it upon himself to do well. as for my sis, her daugther's results was nothing short of stellar. yet she complained that she now has lots of problem selecting a school for her daughter cos her score was 1 point short of entry into the top school in singapore. and added to that, her daughter had chosen a school that she felt was a little too far for her.

and i was thinking - wow, such a happy outcome yet it was made to sound rather negative. there are probably thousands and thousands of people who are happy just to be able to get into a secondary school or worst still, people who could not pass and had to undergo vocational skill training, etc. and here, the worry is about not being able to get into a top school or that the school was too far... it certainly struck me how a different perspective is all it takes to make a good bad and a bad good. and from that angle, yes, although i am facing so much problems at work, the fact that i have at least a job makes it a happy fact for me.

:-)

no need white cards to enter m'sia

the media carried an article today where the foreign ministry of malaysia and the immigration department announced that there would not be a need to have the white card to enter malaysia. accordingly, this was due to the inability to get the white cards printed, there was insufficient cards. and this would be so for the next 2 weeks or so until new white cards are printed.

when i read that, i almost laughed out loud. well, at the rate of their own immigration officers earning a living by selling the white cards, whatever they print will likely disappear in no time. as for me, i still have a stack of close to 100 white cards in my car... and i do not know what to do with them!

haha!

:-)

bee's birthday

this month is bee's birthday. and for the first time after several years, i decided not to organise a gathering amongst my usual group of friends to celebrate his birthday. instead what we did was to have a simple quiet dinner by ourselves.

:-)

ps: it's very tiring to always be the one organising such gatherings. time to give myself a break. if people are interested and have the heart, they will initiate the organization right? heh...

paranoia

mum's paranoia has gotten worst. she now suspects bee wants to harm her. she has been giving me a lot of stress lately by her suspicious side-stares and her weird behaviours. she had also asked my sis to bring her to the temple to pray. and when i asked her about it, she shhhhh me and waved furiously at me, telling me not to bring it up cos she does not want bee to know about it. not a good feeling.

am trying to find a day rehab for her now. kinda lengthy process to get the admission. need to get referral from aic, get the doctor to assess her condition, undergo means testing and once all these are cleared will the rehab center accept mum. spoke to the psychiatrist that had attended to her all these years and he agreed that it would be a good idea to keep her mind occupied. and when i spoke with her, it was good that she was somewhat receptive to it.

let's see how i can move this forward.

wish me luck.

photo from http://www.heratix.com/2009/10/01/paranoia/

unhappy

i have been away from my blog for a while. been rather stressed out lately. and i attributed this to the whole process of preparing for the management meeting that would be held this week. the meeting was supposed to chart out the focus for the company and all units in the immediate few years. adding to this stress, my unit had been put through a total of 4 audits over the last 4 months, the last being yesterday where a government agency visited to audit my unit's ability to conduct training. thankfully, i cleared all the audits.

anyway, this week started off very badly for me. was hauled up to my big boss's office and given a good trashing by him. work-related. but still, it felt one helluva lousy cos it was not a case of my team not trying. in fact, as i see it, it was a case of my staff being the victim of politicking by my predecessor and many other people. also, my boss had some past history with my staff and now that my staff had fumbled, he is downloading his frustrations on me. he ended the trashing by telling me - since you stand by him, when he goes, you go!

looks like the time to go might be coming soon. anyway, i have touched base with the hr consultancy firm that placed me in this job. the boss was kinda surprised with my mail. well... i will probably be meeting up with him soon if things continue to spiral like that.

sighs!

but on the bright side, my team banded very much better after the whole fiasco and stress during these couple of weeks. certainly, nothing beats going through the storm together. i supposed i felt a little more stressed becos despite all these top-down trashing, i was still egging them on and smiling away. being a leader is tough. if your subordinate expects you to motivate them, then who motivates you?

hmmm...

change jobs?

during my interview before i join my current company, i voiced my preference to not do anything related to my previous uniformed organisation. yet now, as part of the efforts to increase its revenue, the company is refocusing its business strategies. and one of it is to do more and more business with my previous organisation. and lately, i have been asked to start working out business proposals for them. i am very unhappy about it. there is one thing i am clear about and this is - i really do not want to have anything to do with my previous organisation. apart from the fact that i do not agree principally with what they are doing (which is none of my business now that i am out of it), i also do not wish to go through the process of their security scrutiny again. and worst still, risking the awkwardness of having to explain to my management if they ever reject any business becos of my security clearance...

as for my current job, i am not exactly being paid fairly for it. in fact, i am doing 2-3 person's job and being paid less than what one person can draw (compared to industry benchmark), the amount of shit work i have to do, the lack of system discipline in the company, etc i am really thinking of changing jobs... yet, on the other hand, i hope to be able to at least fulfil at least 2 years of tenure with my company cos i would like to establish a "reasonable" resume. and that would be at least 7 more months to go. what should i do?

anyone any advice?

hmmm...

tum mile

tum mile... the lyrics as follows:

tu hi meri hai saari zameen
chaahe kahin se chaloon
tujhpe hi aake rukoon
tere siwa main jaoon kahaan
koi bhi raah chunoon
tujhpe hi aake rukoon

tum mile toh lamhe tham gaye
tum mile toh saare gam gaye
tum mile toh muskurana aa gaya
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda

tujh mein kinaara dikhe
dil ko sahara dikhe
aa meri dhadkan thaam le
teri taraf hi mude
yeh saans tujhse jude
har pal yeh tera naam le

tum mile toh ab kya hai kami
tum mile toh duniya mil gayi
tum mile toh mil gaya aasra
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda

din mere tujhse chalein
raatein bhi tujhse dhalein
hai waqt tere haath mein
tu hi shehar hai mera
tujhme hi ghar hai mera
rehta hai tere saath mein

tum mile toh mil gaya humsafar
tum mile toh khud ki hai khabar
tum mile toh rishta sa ban gaya
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda

love

on this lazy and boring sunday, i thought i'd do a bit of reflection about this fuzzy concept called "love". why is it represented by the "heart"? this is the same in the english language, and the chinese language. but in the malay language, when a person is in love, you use the "hati", which means the "liver"... hmmm, wonder why? yet i do not see livers being used to represent "love" pictorially. it would be so funny if so. hahaha...

anyway, have read many blogs and see many facebook status updates and have come across many questions asking what is it... so? ya, what is it? where does it come from? what is the line between love and infatuation? why does it make one so happy, yet makes one so sad? whatever the case, a person who can love so deeply, will end up hurting so badly when things do not go right. right? is love selfish? can love be selfless? if you love someone, you let him/ her go. can it ever be so? lots of cliches ya?

and when a person is in love (or infatuation), weird behaviour can be observed. these include - staring at the phone non-stop, waiting for smses, everything (although wrong) seemed right, waking up early, sleeping late, stalking people, constantly wondering how that person is, checking anything and everything that can give an indication of where the person is, or what the person is doing, and so on... of cos, when love is unrequitted, everything good will feel bad almost immediately.

yet, much as love has such a strong impact on a person, it is really gender neutral. one can love a man, a woman, a transexual, etc regardless of one's gender. on the same token, love can exist between siblings, between parents and their child, between friends, between human and animals, and so on. also, one can love an object, a concept...  love is neutral, love is blind, love is pure, and love is powerful.

you cannot really explain love... until you have experienced it.

love...

:-)

picture from http://happisis.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-love-you-always.html

resignation

at work, the top management is exerting a whole lot of stress on all of us. and with the huge amount of additional targets that top management is pressing down, everyone is feeling the heat. and one by one, people around me are either being posted away or resigning - my staff, my admin staff, my friends, people supporting me, my peers, etc. stressed. i am feeling very alone and very overwhelmed at the current moment. can't breathe...

feeling very down.

no good.

haiz.

sicko

everyone around me are either sick or falling sick...

me too...

sighs

baby sapphie

the photos above were taken when sapphie was less than 1 year old. and...

and this is sapphie today... she still look as blur! haha!

reminder

book i am reading now. actually, i book this bought about a decade ago and have read bits of it here and there. today, as i browsed through the books on my shelf, i decided to pick it up and browse through again. as i take it out, i noticed i had a bookmark and flipped to that page. it spoke of the four noble truth and the eightfold paths and how buddha gave his first sermon to the 5 ascetics. and as always, it was such a joy to read of buddha, his life and his teachings. i never fail to learn new things and see things from different perspectives despite having read the stories again and again!

sadhu sadhu sadhu!

of books & mobile phones

in my recent overseas trip, there was one obvious thing i observed that i also see of singaporeans - people are physically together but all exist in their own electronic/ cyber-world.

it was the same everywhere - in the train, on the streets, in the restaurants, and so on. people (friends, families, etc) congregate together, and instead of talking and catching up with each other, they would either be playing computer games, checking emails, updating facebook status, or checking out other people's online profiles... scary right? at this rate of development, we would end up purely living and interacting with people only in cyberspace! and worst of all, we would end up losing all our social competencies!

in contrast, in western cities (at least in the major ones i had been to - london, new york, etc), my experience was that more people would be reading a book instead.

what does all this suggest? hmmm...

anyone has the same experience?

edge of glory!

sweet!

she's 11!

yesterday was sapphie's 11th birthday! in human years, that would be 77 years old. last year, i got her papaya and this year, i got her her favourite fruit - durians! (i got her the d24 today but her favourite was still the 猫山王). time flies! it seemed not too long ago when i brought her home from a friend's place. she was only 6 weeks old then. and now, she's a grand old dame!

people often asked me if sapphie is my dog. well, technically, no. sapphie came into the household when james (my ex) wanted a dog to play with. at that time, it so happened that my friend's bitch had just given birth to 8 puppies. that was when we decided to pay him a visit to take a look at them. that was how sapphie came into the household.

as a baby, she was very cute. apart from her right front paw that was whitish, she was almost pure black all round. and it was because of this that i had almost wanted to christen her "while socks". james had other ideas, being a little of an activist, he felt a name that captures and hints of homosexuality would be more appropriate and suggested the name sapphie (from the greek poet "sappho" who was known for her homoerotic lesbian poems).

while james wanted a dog to play with, i was the one that provided for all her needs. and so naturally when we broke up, sapphie continued to stay with me. it was also the most natural thing to do considering the fact that most of the people in my family had grown attached to sapphie and that james had moved back to his parents place and hdb guidelines do not allow for medium sized dogs. and up to this day, every so often, james would bring sapphie out once every few months to play with her and to spent time with her. and from this perspective, we are really no different from a divorced couple.

:-)

someone looking

have you experience this - you felt someone was looking at you, you turned your head and indeed someone was looking at you! kinda weird right? many a times, when i drive, i would turn and look at other drivers, somehow, they would turn their head and look at me at the same time! it was like as though they knew i was looking at them...

anyone can explain this?

goodbye shoes

it probably sound weird to many people, but i felt a tinge of sadness this morning when i had to discard this pair of shoes. you see, i bought it some 9-10 years ago. and in these years, other than myself, both james and bee had some time or other also worn it. i simply love the design. it was so unique. i have put off throwing it away for so long. but finally have to do so cos the sole had come off!

i don't think i would ever find another such fine looking pair of shoes!

sighs...

courses

the key reason why i dislike attending courses is that despite being physically away from work, mentally, i am still very much at work. imagine this - attending a course overseas, yet working at the same time on my blackberry!

sighs!

picture of blackberries from http://www.autumnacres.biz/

what do you wanna eat?

when i was overseas and i meet up with friends, my friends never fail to ask me what i wanna eat or what i wanna do. frankly, i eat anything. and i can either do a lot things or do nothing and i would still be very happy. heh heh...

you see, i am the type of person who visits a place to experience the place in a very general manner. i do not go to a country specifically to see something, or specifically to eat something, or to buy anything. rather, i find joy in simply soaking myself in the environment and the ambience of the place. it can be as simple as feeling the cool air, the low humidity, breathing the air, and enjoying the sights in general. and to top it off, to hear different languages being spoken, to see people of different races, different cultures, taste different food, etc...

and when it comes to shopping, i am simply not a shopping person! i do not find the need to buy any nice trendy clothing, branded stuff, etc. they are probably too expensive for me anyway. and as for street stuff, i avoid them too cos they do not appeal to me, afterall, things bought from the night markets tend to spoil after one or two wash... so... yup, that was why in the past week plus when i was overseas, i didn't by anything at all! i simply walk around, enjoy the sights, the smell, the people, the environment, etc. and of cos, i enjoyed catching up with friends working there! that, to me, was the highlight of my trip!

:-)

picture from http://www.designverb.com/2009/01/11/hong-kong-food/

sauna

had my first experience in an asian gay sauna during my overseas trip last week. was pretty nervous about it initially as i have never been to a sauna in asia and didn't know what to expect. prior to this, my only experiences were mainly saunas in the west, more specifically, america. even then, it was only twice - in fort lauderdale and in chicago. and for both, i was wowed by the size (of the sauna and not the... haha!). the one in fort lauderdale has 4 levels and there were different things at each floors, including gym, dry sauna, wet steam rooms, amphitheatre, etc. and if you asked me if i have been to local saunas, well, no. i refused to go cos let's face it, the gay community here is just too small. all you need to do is to go to one sauna and next thing you know, everybody starts to talk about it... well, that was what i thought. and so, to avoid possible gossips, it is better to keep away, i conclude.

ok, back to the sauna. prior to the visit, i did an internet search and one particular site recommended a sauna called "action". and when i asked around, my friends told me "double" was better and that i should not waste time with any others. so that was what i did. i headed to "double". but it was not easy to find although the building was located just beside the mtr station. in fact, the entrance to the building was discreetly tugged in the corner of a small side lane. and when i walked into the side lane, i felt a little apprehension. i hesitated going up. a lot of "what ifs" went through my head. but after some 5-10min, i finally plucked my courage and took the elevator up. 

after paying the entrance and taking the towel, i fumbled through the place. there were so many half-naked people wrapped in white towels inside and i couldn't find the lockers! and the presence of these half-naked bodies standing around while i looked for the lockers made me feel very intimidated (and embarrassed)! haha. anyway, after fumbling around for a couple of seconds (that felt forever), i finally found my locker. i quickly changed up (or rather, stripped down) and in no time, i looked like one of those people standing around - half-naked wrapped in white towel. heh heh. my sense of individuality somehow disappeared that very moment. and that was the start of my sauna experience. ok, shall not write the details here. suffice to say, it was certainly a very interesting experience. 

in all, i visited 2 different saunas during my overseas trip. certainly, as my friends said, there were lots of hot bods in "double". nice! but for "action", which i went another night, it was a totally different experience. it took me and a friend quite a while to find it and when i went in (my friend decided not to go in in the end and left), it was rather empty. the people there were largely in their late 30s and 40s. for a while, it seemed like i was the "best" in the sauna (and i do not have that great a physique to start with! haha!). i left after half an hour... 

well, those 2 saunas marked my first sauna experience in asia. on the whole, i would say the place was very very small, compared to those i experienced in states. but certainly, being a "rice" person, i certainly find asian saunas better. 

:-)