tribute to kylie

this is a very nicely made video. very gay and reminds me of the many parties i went to aeons ago. somehow the way gay men dance have remained constant over the last decade! hehe. they way they gyrate, the way they wave their hands, the way they flirt with their eyes as they dance... don't think any straight men can do it as well as gay man! (of cos, to put in perspective, not all gay man can do it too la!) and yes, this mtv screams out "we are australians!" does it not? heh heh... and of cos, i meant it in every best possible way!

enjoy!

:-)

lesbians

conversations between 2 gay bottoms... of cos, one is more bottom than the other. well, the other way to look at it is that one is more top that the other... then again, it doesn't matter... hahaha!

"sister sister, i feel so so so horny now..."

"ok ok, you want me to have sex with you?"

"eee... thanks hor, whatever horniness i have, all gone already lor..."

"sister sister, i feel so so so horny now..."

"ok ok, you want me to have sex with you?"

"errr... thanks hor, i am gay, not lesbian..."

lolx!

:-)

durians

today, i bought a durian for my after dinner dessert. and really, it always feels good to eat durian by the road side. such a singapore experience!

nice!

ps: my enjoyment of my durian was disrupted by an irritating roaring motorbike! i almost wanted to use the seed and throw at the biker... can't stand bikers that modify their bikes and creating such noise pollution!

conversation with mum

i brought mum out this afternoon. she said she wanted to visit the temple again. and in the car, i spoke with her. the whole conversation would probably sound out of this world and illogical if you do not know her. it went something along this line...

i asked why she wanted to go to the temple as i had brought her there last week. accordingly, i said going to the temple once a month is fine. she replied that she had nioghtly dreams about someone telling her to chant. and she iterated that the domestic help is a ghost. (well, not literally, rather she meant the domestic help is out to harm her) i asked her gently why she said that and she lowered her voice and pointed her finger to the back telling me not to ask further cos the domestic help was sitting behind her... and then she said her life is terrible and said that for reasons unknown to her, she had always been meeting people who wanted to harm her (you can imagine the typical - "my life is so bitter and sorrowful" wails of someone who was wronged). and she started telling me about her past. and she related how my aunt (whom, she was convinced, wanted to steal my dad from her) wanted to harm her. she said she saw my aunt again recently and she wanted to spit at her. and she went on and on about how everyone wanted to harm her.

i let her vent and when she finally stopped, i asked her why she chose to focus on the bad and not the good. i asked her to reflect how she has her children who are good to her, who feed her, who look after her. and i asked her to reflect how good a life she has compared to some of my late aunts. but she ignored my words. instead, she said the person who had wanted to marry her (50 yrs ago) has recently returned and is now planting bad lies about her in the family. and she went on about how she had recently carried my baby brother and ran away from a particular block in macpherson. i told her this block that she spoke of had been demolished (to be frank, i was not really sure if it had indeed been demolished). but she insisted it is still around. and that if i am not convinced, i could drive her to the block and she would show me the house and the occupants she ran away from. i asked her how old my brother is and she could answer that he is 40 over years old. and when i asked again about how she could be carrying my brother away from the block recently, she couldn't answer except that i won't be able to understand how bad her life was...

well, you got the idea, the whole conversation toggle between today and 40 over years ago. i supposed this is how a person with dementia would speak. not easy to follow and many a times, one needs to really "play" along and not add to the stress of the person. for mum, her mind and behaviour had been too deeply wired up by her 50-over years of routine visiting the temple whenever she faced any challenges. as such these days, whenever she faces any problems that she couldn't make sense of, her instinct would be to visit the temple. so... yes, i shall bring her to the temple whenever i can. it calms her down. and i certainly hope my sis do not keep trying to convert her.

breaking up

the usual and common way to view a break up is from a negative angle. the emotions one feels during a break up (and for a while after that) can be terrible. it can consume the whole being. and if not controlled, it can destroy a person. literally. but one thing is for sure. for all break ups, time heals. and when one has regained some objectivity over the whole affair, one begins to see things in perspective. sometimes, one may even ask and wonder why and how the hell he/ she can be so mesmerized by the other party. and to a friend of mine who is undergoing this difficult period, let me pen here some possible way of seeing things from a different perspective:

• thanks for the wonderful time together. breaking up is perhaps a natural thing when we begin to see things clearer and realizing that we are very different after all. then again, not being together does not mean we cannot be friends. let us take time to close this chapter properly. to mourn and to recover emotionally. and after that, if possible, let us be the best of friends. the thing about friends is that things are easier. expectations are a lot less, and we tend to be a lot more forgiving. and in some strange way, friendship tends to last longer... then again, for now, let us have our space to recover.

• thanks for the wonderful time together. we have decided to move on but a few things are for sure. my time with you made me realized i was able to love again. it made me feel i am very much alive. the knowledge that i have the power to love, and to love deeply; and that i also have the abilities to attract another person is very powerful. but for now, let me mourn, let me nurse my spirit and my soul. it is natural that i should feel down. but once i am done with my mourning, i know i will be able to start loving again. and i know i can becos you have shown me i could.

• thanks for the wonderful time together. we have decided to move on. things are difficult for me now. it is natural for i am human. i have feelings. but sure as the sun will rise from the east, my pain will go. but during this period, i shall reflect on our times together, and look at the things i have learned. and when i recover, i will be stronger, i will be a better person. for that, thank you for giving me the opportunities to learn the lesson of life.

:-)

dental scaling

have just done dental scaling for sapphie. been a long while. and i noticed the tartar had worsened and that there were 2 more of her molars that have been covered with tartar to the point that it couldn't be scrapped off. then again, i take it positively that for a 11-year old dog, she still has all her teeth intact. and this to me, is a good thing cos i have known dogs who lost their teeth when they were as young as 5 years old due to constant feeding of wet food and improper dental upkeeping.

:-)

my fb profile

i have changed my fb profile to another name. and with the change in my profile name, i stopped using my facebook. i deleted all my photos, most of all my status updates, and so on. all these was done with the intention to safeguard my own sanity as i realized there were to many toxic postings about all sorts of things lately. i saddens me to also see people i know being emotional and illogical when it comes to life in general. and since stopping my fb activities, i have had quite a few interesting smses from my friends. read on.

(1) one smsed me - why did you block me from your fb? what did i do to you to deserve such a treatment? why did you stopped me from seeing your photos? it was an unexpected message, and a very interesting one. the message suggested this friend had assumed lots of things. and he had been unfair to me in these assumptions. for example, it suggests that he sees himself to be the center of my fb activities. in asking these questions, he had indirectly implied that i must keep my facebook account alive for him. that i do not have the prerogative to do what i want with my facebook account. also, the questions suggest how he sees himself to be at fault rather than ask if everything is ok with me (given that it is not often that people disappear from facebook). it seemed rather self-centric. could it be that it reflected his own insecurities? anyway, to his message, i simply replied "no la, i did not block you. i deleted everything in it". and a quick reply came - "oh...". and the conversation ended just like that. hmmmm...

(2) a couple of weeks after the incident above, bee was in town and met another friend. he used to be my fb buddy. we used to poke each other (in fb, and yes, it has an extra "b" - for "facebook" buddy and not... heh heh) and comment on each other's statuses. and he was rather curious with my sudden disappearance. his response was to see if i were still in his friend list. and when he checked, he found that i had disappeared (weird cos i did not recall deleting him from my friend list). he did not pursue further and did not sms me. it was when he met bee when so he asked about me and bee explained the whole story to him. thankfully, that cleared the air cos he thought i had deleted him for whatever reasons. after bee related the incident to me, i logged in into my fb, added him and emailed him about why i had stopped using fb. of cos, he accepted my friend invite but since then, we had stopped corresponding...

(3) couple of days back, in the midst of an sms conversation with a friend, he asked "hey do you have a facebook account? if you have, add me! my email is xxxxxx." and i replied i had and gave the whole story. and he sheepishly replied, "actually, i was too shy to ask if you have deleted me, so i thought maybe it is easier for me to ask if you have an account..." i thought his message was rather funny. and knowing him, he has always been a little shy with friends. so... such a cute person right? adore him to bits! heh heh...

i reflected about these responses from my friends. it was interesting cos it now suggests that such social media have taken over our lives to the point whereby our activities (and inactivity) in the social media could create a certain level of impact on our social circles. scary right? and to make it worst, social media is not exactly the best way to communicate cos it is one of the worst media when it comes to communicating emotions. hmmm...

ps: i told my friend in (3) about this post and he wanted to click "like" just to realize the this is blogger and not facebook. so himbo right? but well, that's him alright. and he's so adorable. i like!

offing my phone

for the past weeks, i have kept my personal number off. i was trying very hard to avoid that friend who had been hounding me to lent more money to her. and as a result, many of my other friends whom i have not shared my office number with had not been able to contact me too... hmmm... well, on the bright side, i had a couple of weeks of peace!

:-)

of l's & m's....

been an interesting week. been caught up with lots of meetings and work. and of cos, the focus has been in the areas of l's and m's. l for leaders and m for managers. seemed like the big bosses are increasingly focusing on these areas and are pushing for related programs to be in place. gonna be very busy... very very busy.

:-)

tailor

got my bonus letter today. not too please with the grade given. i felt i deserved something better. but well, a bonus is a bonus, even if it was just s$1. afterall, i got my confirmation and promotion ahead of time. so, i shan't complain. and to reward myself, i decided to head to the tailor. i ended up making 3 pairs of pants and a long sleeve shirt. have been wanting to do so for a long time. all my pants have either gone too big or too old. and for the last many moons, i have survived alternating between 2-3 pairs of pants that i could still wear. heh heh... making pants was way overdue for me.

after looking at all the different colours and materials offered, i ended choosing the cashmere wool material for 2 pairs of pants and polyester material for the third. a little expensive for the former but i thought it would be a good investment if it makes me look good. and as for long sleeve shirts, have been wearing off-the-shelf ones. g2000 and so on. and most of the times, they were either too big or the sleeves were too long. and given my recent weight loss, all my shirts had started to look oversized and sloppy. so i decided i should tailor a shirt too. i have always felt tailored shirts look smarter. just like the uniforms i used to wear back during my service days. and heh heh... my first tailored civilian shirt is - guess what - pink! let's see how it turns out.

if it is nice, i might just go ahead and tailor more shirts!

:-)

worsening dementia

mum's dementia has taken a turn for the worst. a couple of days back, she called me at the office telling me that people at home were ill-treating her and wanting to get her out of the house. i rushed down to visit her only to realize that her memory was very warped and that she was uttering things that happened 50-over years ago...

and when i visited her these 2 days, she could only recall how she had suffered in the early days and it was obvious she's living her old memories in the present day. she was superbly suspicious of people around her and was convinced that everyone around her was conniving to do her bad.

it's quite sad that she cannot get out of this knot of hers. sighs... well, the least that i could do was to listen to her, be supportive and try in any way i could to cheer her up.

sighs...

your highness

went to watch your highness yesterday and wow! there was a gay sex scene complete with thrusting actions and a frontal hard on! then again, it (the hard on) belonged to a minotaur and the sex scene was between the minotaur and a human being. so, i guessed it didn't breach any rules per se and the show didn't end up getting a r(a) rating. heh heh... frankly, we went in with totally no idea what to expect. the show ended up being one helluva lame show. then again, it was an entertaining show. lots of laughs and lots of crude jokes.

:-)

sandcastle

had just watched boo junfeng's sandcastle. and was reminded of this song. familiar tunes, warm feelings...

and it's nice to watch a show that i can click at the local level.

nice!

:-)

d.i.s.c & mbti

by d.i.s.c profiling, i am a moderate "d" and "i", superbly high "s" and a relatively high "c". by mbti, i am an extreme "i", "s", low "f", and moderate "j". well, if you know how to read and interpret disc and mbti scoring, you would probably be able to read me through and through by these 8 characters!

:-)

busy week ahead

this week is gonna be a busy week for me. today, it's back-to-back non-stop with lotsa meetings. tomorrow will be the same. from 0830am to 5.30pm. hmmm... and i am not even prepared for the meetings. darned!

:-)

should i panic? or should i just be nonchalant about it? well, i supposed the fact that i am blogging about it says a lot about how much i am "panicking"... perhaps i should do something about it later and then pray for some godly intervention tomorrow? hahaha...

lifeless face

bee told me earlier on that my face has looked lifeless for quite a while. dull, bad complexion, no shine, no life, pale... and that of late it would take a long time for me to heal from any cuts, i fall sick easily...

hmmmm...

doesn't sound too good huh? never mind, gonna sleep. it's gonna be a new week. lotsa challenges ahead. must wake up refreshed! good night!

sms from temple

this morning when i woke up, i saw an sms from the temple asking me if i could go down to conduct a class. apparently the teacher that was supposed to teach, had backed out last minute. hmmm... it was quite a surprise for me cos it was a combined class as another teacher couldn't make it and that this teacher had just replied on friday that she would be able to conduct a combined class. the sms sent to me indicated that she had to work. hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... frankly, for a moment, i was in a dilemma cos i was worried about the students. but it was such a short moment's notice and i had plans made. furthermore, i had already told the people i would be stopping my teaching.

i weighed the pros and cons. my sister-in-law had told me yesterday she'd bought fish head to cook for me and that my mum had already told me i should be there early for lunch. having me sit with her for lunch is something she'd look forward to weekly. hmmm... well, i could call them and tell them they should go on without me, i thought. but if i were to do that, it would put to waste all the preparations and the cooking, and disappoint people at home. but on the other hand, if i did not turn up to relief the teacher, the students would be "teacherless" and that wouldn't be nice. hmmm... difficult decision.

in the end, i remembered what the advisor told us before - if you have second thoughts about coming, i'd rather you do not. i'd rather you come wholeheartedly rather than come with and iffy heart. ok ok, she did not say it like that. but you got the idea. remembering this, i replied the temple i couldn't help them. i reconciled that they would be able to manage even if it means combining 3 class into one, or for that matter, for a perm staff to hold the fort for this week.

well, you may laugh at me for being caught in a dilemma over such seemingly trivial stuff. but frankly to me, having weekly time with my mum is something that cannot be replaced. and i recalled previously, some teachers had also used similar commitments not to turn up for class... i am no longer a volunteer, and so, i should not feel so guilty about rejecting the request.

:-)

god's birthday

my mum had been reminding me to head to the koo chye sheng hong temple to renew my "adoption" money to the god. she insisted i should do it soon cos the god's birthday is coming up soon. and that was what i did today. accordingly, when i was a little baby, the fortune teller had predicted that i would be a difficult baby and that it would be necessary for me to be given to the god for adoption so that he could protect me from harm's way. and every year before the 28th day of the 5th lunar month, i would visit the temple to renew my adoption and to make a small donation. it had been this way for the past 4 decades plus and i continue to do so even after my taking refuge in buddhism 2 years ago.

frankly, when i first took refuge, i remembered what the venerable told me, it went something like "be disciplined in your practise, do not deviate from the practise, do not follow the ways of other religions now that you have made up your mind about taking refuge in the triple gem". and so, in the initial months, i had some internal tensions about visiting taoist temples. but after reflections, there is no tensions in me now. my mind and heart is clear why i am visiting taoist temples these days, it is for my mum, it is for my family, it is for everyone. my visits there and the practise of burning joss sticks and joss papers are acts of respects to the gods. i do not worship the gods per se nor do i get myself attached to the acts of begging for favours. this is no different from, say, visiting an indian temple and clasping my hands to respect the gods, or visiting a mosque and standing in silence as i focus my minds on the serenity and the quietness of the worship hall and to respect the islam religion, or for that matter, visiting a church and following through the rituals in silence as my christian friend go through their acts of worship. it is a form of respect to other faiths. learning to respect other faiths is something i have learned and visiting a temple is but an act. what is important is what is the underlying intentions. my faith is in my heart, it is not in the objects outside me.

so... yes, back to today's visit to the temple. i decided to drop by the temple today before visiting my mum. but unlike previous years, i did not collect the 2 talismans that i usually do - one to keep on my body to protect me against evil spirits and the other to burn, throw into water and to drink the water. i don't think these are necessary for me now. my visit was to tell my mum i have renewed my adoption and to show her proof by bringing the oranges the temple gave. this visit was important to her. and if doing this allays the worries and tensions in my mum, i would do it for as long as i could.

:-)

green lantern

omg, he so... omg cute! yup! saw the show earlier. yum yum! but, the thing was... for a superhero, his crouch was a tat too small! chey damned it, gay man me. ha ha! but ya, how come huh? ok, ok... let's be serious.

went for the show "green lantern" today half-heartedly cos a close friend's wife told me it's a lousy show. but decided to go for it nonetheless cos admittedly, i'm quite a superhero fan. so... yup, watching a show with little or no expectation is the best. you walked out feeling good if it's any little good. and you'd not feel too let down if it is bad cos you had expected less. but really, when i walked out after the show, i thought it was rather entertaining. never mind the small crouch, never mind the out of proportion stuff throughout the show - eg, parallax (if i spelt it correctly) seemed gigantic at the start, and then it reached earth, it was only a little larger then a building, and then another time, it was half a city size, and later on, it get's burnt by the sun. if i don't think about it, it's ok, if i do, it's a little confusing. heh heh... but hey, let's not get too critical about comics. it's meant to be entertaining. and yes, it certainly was. good nice computer effects, simple storyline that was, at times, predictable.

and of cos, such a cute chap!

what a week!

tgif!

such a hectic week! validated some programmes with the ministry, discussed the details with the developer for 2 days, fired someone, hired someone last minute, fought a series of human-relationship related fires at work, held at least 2-3 meetings a day for the past 5 days, had a couple of arguments with my hr b****, kenah arrowed to develop some management programme by my big big boss, conducted a work-related coaching session for one of my heads in my company, coached a couple of my managers, cleared a couple of critical longstanding issues, etc... i am so so so drained now and...

i am so fucking glad weekend is here!

coach

"boss, you are a good coach"

it feels good when my new manager tells me that. reaffirms that i am on the right track when it comes to establishing a good working relationship with him, motivating him, and in helping him realize his potential.

:-)

when the children cry

little child
dry your crying eyes
how can I explain
the fear you feel inside
cause you were born
into this evil world
where man is killing man
and no one knows just why
what we have become
just look what we have done
all that we destroyed
you must build again

when the children cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins

little child
you must show the way
to a better day
for all the young
cause you were born
for all the world to see
that we all can live
with love and peace
no more presidents
and all the wars will end
one united world
under god

when the children cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins

what we have become
just look what we have done
all that we destroyed
you must build again
no more presidents
and all the wars will end
one united world
under god

when the children cry
let them know we tried
when the children fight
let them know it ain't right
when the children pray
let them know the way
cause when the children sing
then the new world begins

my past travels

the following is an updated list of places i have travelled to up till jun 2011. there are many more areas that i have not visited. and it has always been my wish to also visit the wonders of the world including the grand canyon, the pyramids of egypt, the niagara falls and if i can afford, the ancient cities of the aztecs in south america :-)

2011
feb - malaysia (jb)

2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)
nov - indonesia (jakarta)
dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...

ps: those highlighted in blue were for holidays, unhighlighted ones were for work.

gay ***

we have (myself included) too often been guilty of writing and expressing things using the prefix "gay" without know what we were trying to say - gay lifestyle, gay pub, gay club, gay pool, gay life, gay bar, gay la la la... and i sometimes think - what is it so gay about what we were saying that warrant it to be branded gay? for example, gay lifestyle. it's still a lifestyle right? what is so gay about it? all straight people also do what we do as a gay people do. ok, other than the part about having sex with another person of the same gender, what other things can be listed that straights don't do? so what is gay lifestyle? ok, i am not saying that the word gay does not have a place in the english dictionary. what i am saying is that we have generalized it, used it, and abused it so much that it has now become meaningless. and worst still, our mindless use of the "gay"-word might have also created unnecessary backlash due to the perception that we are a separate entity from the larger society. the thing about branding is that it differentiates things, and the results might not necessarily be good.

the issue here is - why do we so consciously and deliberately want to do it and if we are so conscious about it, why then are we doing it so loosely? are we so obsessed and insecure about ourselves and our identity that we are creating this invisible wall around ourselves? have we created this vague boundary that demarcate what is gay vs what is straight ourselves? have we become victims of our own insecurities? and in doing so, are we not creating this "you are with me, or you are not with me" mentality, both amongst gays and straights? and in doing so, do we not end up creating more restrictions for ourselves? do we not end up being unfair to ourselves inadvertently? and of cos, we usually blame it on the straights... it's cyclical isn't is. and part of the reasons of the continued cyclical nature is becos we fuel it by drawing that clear boundaries - this is gay, that is not, they discriminate me, i am gay, they are not, etc. no?

why do we not just go live our lives without bothering how people look at us (straight and gays)? why are we so insecure? also, have we not, in the attempt to push people's boundaries using our own agenda and our own benchmarks, created problems for other people like us? i often have gay people telling me i should come out loud and proud to my family. i have gay people who, in their own self-centric beliefs of freedom to love and gay activistic agenda, imposed their views upon me to the extend of scolding me/ telling me off for not coming out to my mum. to them everything is about them. everything is about being gay, out and proud. to me, they have failed to look beyond what is "them", they have failed to look at issues like respect, considerations, responsibilities and so on. to me, out and proud is not about announcing to the world you are a flamboyant queen. rather, it is about the confidence you have as a gay person and the ability to carry yourself well as an individual. from that perspective, being out and proud is about living one's life confidently and happily. you see, in no where is it stated here that i need to announce to the world that i am gay. i am gay because i am. not because i need to live up to someone's norms.

and for those of you who think being out and proud means telling the world about your sexuality, coming out to your parents, be a flaming queen, etc. good for you. as long as you are comfortable and happy with it. and if you have an issue with the society and the rules of the society, go deal with them and address it to the correct people, no need to impose your agenda (gay or otherwise) on people who have their own issues and their considerations as they manage their own space. and to those people who have time and again told me off and tried to convince me that being gay, i must come out to the world as well as my mum, i tell them - go get a proper perspective about life. they have failed to see the very simple logic that what makes them happy may not make other people happy.

out or otherwise.

then again, back to my original point, we are what we define ourselves to be. as long as we are happy. no need to define and create useless boundaries to differentiate.

agree?

splitting headaches

i am increasingly getting more splitting headaches these days. the kind of throbbing headaches that refuses to go away and i get this dull but strong feeling of something tugging in my head whenever i shift my head a little. it happened couple of nights ago and it is happening again now. added to this, i am also experiencing nightly insomnia...

why huh?

here but not here

was at a japanese restaurant last evening and noted one very interesting but very sad thing - there were people who were there physically but not there emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and so on. and it was extra sad when this happened to everone in a family. read on.

from what we observed, a lot of the dining guests were regular customers. one family came in and it was obvious the chef knew them for he shouted out to them by name when they stepped into the restaurant. and as soon as they took their seat by the sushi/ sashimi counter, the chef started chatted happily with them. this family had 2 kids (probably about 8-9 years old). these kids, however, were not too particularly interested in talking uncle chef. instead, they whipped out their ipad and started playing their online games. they ignored the chef and soon enough, got lost into a world of their own. singaporean kids, i thought. sometime down, i was sure they would have issues with socialising with people. then again, it was none of my business right? i carried on eating.

soon enough, another family walked in.

hallow... dr ong! (surname has been changed) shouted out the restaurant staff and quickly ushered the family to their seats. another restaurant staff rushed forward and started talking to the mrs ong. hmmm, very familiar indeed. well, dr and mrs ong had a son and a daugther. the son should be about 12 yrs old and the daughter about 10 yrs old. both bespectacled and omg, the son's spectacles were super thick, close to a 1000 degrees myopic i was sure. the family took their seat beside bee and i and mrs ong spared no time and started rattling off what they wanted. bowl of cherry tomatoes for the daughter, a plate of gyoza for the son, chawanmushi all round, a big serving of ebi tempura, etc etc etc... and even before mrs ong was done ordering, dr ong, son ong and daughter ong whipped out their own electronic toys - dr ong with his smart phone, son and daughter ong with their nintendos (looks like it) - and started playing with them. mrs ong joined in with her own smart phone immediately after she finished ordering the food. and very soon, the whole family settled comfortably into their dinner table. it was a case of family ong was physically there, but mentally, emotionally, psychologically, all of them were in their own worlds... it was not long later when dr ong realized what was happening and asked everyone to not play games. the kids ignored him. as for him and the wife, despite not playing, they went into this silent, "i eat my food, you eat yours" state of affairs. as for the kids, they carried on playing. when the food arrive, once a while, the kids would stretch out their hands to take a piece or two, stuffed them into their mouths and carried on playing, oblivious seemingly to what they were eating.

superbly sad!!! i thought the first family was bad, but this one was much much much worst. a "dr" title for the dad, a lot of earnings i supposed given that they seemed to be able to splurge on such dinners rather often, but really, the quality of life is really doubtful if you ask me lor...

sighs sighs sighs...

just imagine - sometime in the near future, people would all be living in a matrix world. everyone alive, breathing and kicking but not interacting physically. rather, everyone is plugged into their own devices and existing in their own make believe world - a world that each and everyone think is real. to them, that is.

argh!

tom hanks @ orchard

was at isetan orchard with bee and saw a huge crowd gathered at the ground floor. there was a red carpet laid out and the crowd had gathered on both sides of the red carpet. i soon learned that it was shaw lido cineplex's grand opening tonight. it was clear that some celebrity had been invited. and before i knew it... i saw tom hanks. not too tall, rather fair and very friendly. he literally stopped every 2 step to talk to people. anyway, what caught my attention and amused me was not tom hanks (i am not too particularly a person who chase celebrities in the first place). rather, it was the comments and reactions of people around me that made me smile. here's some of it...

(1) passer-by hokkien auntie to her fellow hokkien auntie (in hokkien): wah... who is that? so many people! her hokkien auntie friend: i also don't know... i can only see a lot of ang mo people, don't even know what the big deal is? tsk tsk tsk... so many people... i don't know how to appreciate. i don't even know what the hell is happening!... and they strutted off...

(2) teenage mat gang walking by not knowing who the hell tom hanks was and as per a lot of typical attention-seeking mat gang, they started talking loudly. one mat shouting to another mat: ooi ooi, siapa tu? siapa tu?... the other mat replied: alamak, tak tau la... tu! tu! tu!... siapa tu? ehhhh, michael jackson ke? (roll eyes)

(3) inside isetan, one elderly american lady to her husband (strong american slang): what's the commotion about? there must be someone important coming! husband: well, i dunno (turning to singaporean salesgirl) eh... do you know who's coming? singaporean salesgirl: ahhhh, ahhhh... i donno leh! but ne'er mind, see see... and they all leaned forward and waited eagerly (of cos i told them it was tom hanks and the american lady got excited...)

(4) second floor isetan, china chinese salesgirl (when she saw people screaming as tom hanks walked up the escalator) (in shrilling voice and in beijing mandarin to her fellow china chinese salesgirl): who the hell is that? (her salesgirl friend) ah, i donno too, but wahhhh... everyone screaming, take picture take picture and she whipped out her handphone camera and started snapping (by which time tom hanks had disappeared)...

hahaha...

:-)

fashion haywire

was walking around orchard area earlier on and i noticed this guy - very nice looking, prim and proper, almost nerdy, typical singapore civil-servant looking and very neatly dressed in a well pressed nice fitting short sleeve shirt. the shirt looked equally nerdy - very 3-arrow brand type - the type that i am sure not many gay men would wear... hahaha. he was with his girlfriend (or almost girlfriend). they were at the early stage of dating i guess cos they were joking and laughing but walked with a small distance apart. i had noticed them since bee and i were at wheelock. and when we walked around isetan shaw towers, they were there too.

but it was not until shaw that i noticed his dressing in full...

short sleeve shirt (see above description) that was tugged out (wah lau!!!), loose navy blue coloured jeans (double wah-lau!!!), and tennis-shoes (triple wah lau!!!)...

must be straight!

:-)

ps: don't get me wrong, each piece of the dressing was perfectly fine and nice. it when he wore all of them together, they clashed like no one business! and all these were made worst by the fact that he wore a superbly nerdy pair of glasses!

nice dinner

we decided to head to a new place for a nice dinner earlier on. and we wanted to try a new place. hmmm... should we head to bukit timah? changi village? orchard road? dempsey place? jurong? in the end, we went to tanglin shopping center. we thought that would be a nice place to look at antiques and art pieces. and as for dinner, bee said he wanted something simple. for me, with my diet restrictions, i thought japanese would be most appropriate... sashimi, sushi, la la la... and that was what we agreed on in the end. japanese.

we wondered around the place. it was one end of the orchard road that we hardly walked and for a while, it felt like we were overseas. nice! we eventually ended up at this place called akanoya robatayaki. nice quaint looking place from the outside, but once we stepped in, it felt totally japanese. well... almost, cos the staff there spoke a lot of mandarin, and mostly malaysian accented mandarin too! heh heh... but we did not regret. the menu was unusual, the food was truly awesome (awwweeesome indeed!!!) and the service was good. of cos, the price was a little high, but considering the wonderful experience, we thought it was well worth it!

it was a nice saturday indeed!

:-)

ps: the things we ate were rather common - salmon belly, reverse california sushi, chawanmushi, stewed pork, grilled codfish, garlic rice, cold soba, gyoza etc... but the way they cook and the freshness of the produce... it was simply heavenly! just imagine biting into things and the juice just ooze out... and the burst of flavours... hmmmm...

mutant & proud

x-man origins: first class

i am "mutant and proud".

i like... no, i love it!

hmmm... sound so gay right? everytime i watch x-men (regardless of which episode or which show), i will always get reminded of myself... a gay person. the words, the nuances, the storyline, and so on. and it was the same for the latest instalment - x-men origins: first class. then again, was i reading to much? maybe i was, maybe i was not. but watching shows such as x-men, i am sure all marginalized communities would be able to identify with the themes of wanting to fit in, hostilities, fear, stigmatization, etc right? then again, who cares? i am mutant and proud, i am gay and proud. what difference does it make? as long as i am happy and comfortable with what i am, that is the most important right?

ahhh, yes, i watched x-men origins: first class earlier on and it was really awesome. it explained everything! all questions i had about magneto, professor x, mystique, etc all fell into place. questions like - what were the origins behind their names, why professor x had to sit in a wheel chair, why magneto turned bad, what was the origins behind magneto's headgear, why professor x had never attempted to read mystique's mind, why magneto cried when professor x died, how the beast came about, etc... everything was answered! loved the show!

:-)

chinese sinseh again

i decided to seek tcm help again for my non-stop cough. today, it was a different sinseh. and she made it sound so serious. wah... your 五脏六腑 or wu zang liu fu (five viscera [yin organs] and six bowels [yang organs]) all got problems! and she went on to explain how one was linked to another and how the system of problems came together and resulted in my cough... she said although i am relatively young by age, my body is already like an old aged person.

i felt like a dead person by the time she finished explaining!

hehe... well, whatever the case, what was significant was that she told me i should keep away from chicken, duck, all forms of nuts/ legumes, no tofu or tofu-related products, no oily stuff, no spicy stuff, no fruits (well, apple is ok) and no cold stuff as all these would contribute to weakening my system... but interestingly, she said it is ok for me to eat pork, fish, mutton and beef. i have all along thought mutton and beef is high in cholesterol and i should avoid them. but she clarified that i should go for the lean parts and avoid the fats.

hmmm... looks like i'm gonna go on another slimming drive!

:-)

ps: oh, the sinseh told me i need to sleep by 11pm nightly instead of pass midnight. challenging lo... cos the thing is - i cannot sleep so easily as i also suffer from insomnia!...

borrowing money

i have a school friend whom i knew since the early 80s. we lost contact more than 2 decades ago. last year, this friend called me from out of the blue and asked me to lent her a huge sum of money. she claimed it was to help her sibling who got into some money problems. i did not lent her as i was jobless. a couple of months later, she called again, and asked if i could lent her money. she admitted that it was not really her brother's issue but rather, it was her own issues. again i did not lent her as i was not in a position to do so. she stopped contacting me after that.

2 weeks ago, she called again asking me to lent her cash. she said she was in indonesia and she needed cash urgently to extricate herself from some problems. i relented and transferred some cash to her. she promised to call me back 2 days later once she return to singapore. she didn't. instead i got an sms saying she needed time to sort out her mess. i did not respond. i did not want to sound like i wanted to pressure her. then again, i felt it was a little discourteous for not responding her sms. but i left it as such.

last week at about 5am one weekend morning (about 4 days after the last sms), she smsed me telling me she need to get out of singapore for the time being cos it was not convenient for her to be in singapore. but she promised me she'd returned the cash to me. again, i did not reply the sms as i was uneasy with how this was developing. that very evening, she smsed me again asking me to help her with another lump sum of cash. and her sms started with "my 25-year friend..." i sensed an attempt in emotional blackmailing (anyway, she got her number wrong, it was 28-year). i felt even more uneasy. on one hand, the compassionate heart in me says i should help, but on the other hand, the (also) compassionate heart in me says i should not. in the end, i did not respond. i switched off my phone. i was clearly uneasy and somewhat unhappy with how the sms sounded.

this evening, i switched on my phone and i saw her sms. it was sent tonight. it was a from a number with a country code +853. she said her singapore number had been terminated and asked me to help her with just a `small' amount to help her with lodging and food. the message sounded way too dodgy. a 4-figure amount was not small as far as i was concern. i did a check online. it revealed the number to be from macau... i switched off my phone. i had mixed feelings. on one hand, i felt sad. sad that she had fallen into such a state. on the other hand, i felt angry. angry as i felt she had taken advantage of our friendship.

i thought hard and deep. initially, i had told myself i should not make any assumptions and help in whatever small way i could. and despite all the things she said, i have told myself not to try linking any dots. but really, after this last sms and the knowledge that it came from macau, i couldn't help but link all the dots together. there seemed to be a lot of lies, a lot of monies lost due to "investments". if she was in such financial problems, why was she travelling so often? and of all places, why macau? if you were me, how would you join the dots? what kind of conclusions would you make about this person?

giving & receiving

our normal mental model is that when we receive, we are always the one feeling indebted to the person who gives us the gift. but do we not realize that sometimes when we receive, we end up giving more?

eg when someone eats what you cook, do you not feel very happy? when someone accepts your help, do you not feel the satisfaction of being in a position to help? when someone accepts your love, do you not feel loved in return? for all of these, your feeling is priceless right?

joy of cooking

the thing about cooking is that you put in so much effort to cook becos you simply enjoy the process of doing it. and the fact is - you really do not end up eating it cos the real joy is in having people appreciate your effort and enjoying the food you cook.

that, to me is the ultimate priceless gift anyone can give to the cook.

bak chang 2011

i totally forgot about the dumpling festival (aka 端午节 or duānwǔ jié) this year! and it was until yesterday when my mum asked me about it that i recalled. and i was like - omg! i had forgotten about it! and my mum told me my sis-in-law wanted to try making bak chang (meat dumpling) for the first time and had asked her (my mum) to teach her how to do it. and then last evening, mum called me on my handphone to ask me how to make bak chang cos she had also forgotten parts of the process. and after giving her my recipe and tips about how to prepare the stuff and the process, i decided that it would be in everyone's interest (especially my mum) for me teach my sis-in-law myself.

and so, i went to my bro's place early today. and then i got a surprise. on top of the usual nonya chang , they also wanted me to teach them how to make hokkien kiam chang (hokkien savoury meat dumpling)! alamak!... i have been making my own version of nonya chang (the sweet meat version) for the last few years and it was easy peezy for me. but as for kiam chang... errr... i have never made it before! and so, i had to use my own initiatives and knowledge about the fundamentals of chinese cooking to derive my own recipe. hmmm... it was interesting. thankfully, in the end, the kiam chang that i came out with was not too bad! a little too bland, but otherwise, very decent and rather nice (my mum's and my sis-in-law's words)... and as for the nonya chang, well well well, i actually thought it was the best that i have made so far cos this year, i decided to throw in a lot more winter melon and to do so at the last 5 mins of cooking the meat. this actually kept the texture of the winter melon and gave the chang its very sweet chewy texture...

i like!

heh heh heh... one more year down and one more new recipe!

:-)

ps: picture was taken in 2008, but i thought, well, a chang is a chang and so, i have decided to publish it here again! heh heh...

blogging vs learning

here is a copy of what i theorised as to how blogs could be used in the context of learning. i created this model after going through more than a thousand over studies about blogging and learning. what do you think?

spoilt singaporeans

an online friend had the opportunity to visit singapore over the last couple of days and blogged about his experiences. he was going "awesomeness" "omg" etc over many many things he experienced here. the things he wrote about that awed him so much included things such as bus stops that stop right in front of our doorsteps, mrt stations that are next to housing estates, the high connectivity of the island via mrt, the travellators, the scene, the sights, the leg space at the cinema, etc etc etc. and his curiosity and the questions he asked and pondered aloud were things that i am sure many singaporeans won't even be bothered to ask. things like - why bras basah? why espan-ade and not espla-nut. and promen-nut vs promen-ade. it was really refreshing to read his writings as it reflects the views of someone who just had his first visit to singapore. i smiled when i read his blog. and it was not so because i thought the things he wrote were nonsensical, but rather, i smiled becos simple things like these impressed him. and i thought hmmm, kl is also as developed and happening right? ok, may be not the mrt bit, but malaysia is also a modern city and it has many attractions too right?

but as i reflected, one thing struck me real hard - that singaporeans have all taken for granted our heritage and the convenience that we have been provided with. and that singaporeans have become too self-indulgent that we have also stopped being curious about ourselves. instead, all singaporeans could do now is to complain complain and complain. singaporeans complain about having not enough mrt stations, mrt stations that stop too far away from their house, that mrt are being built too slow, crowded places, la la la...

also, i bet you not many singaporeans do not know the history and the meanings of some of our beautifully named areas/ road. (eg what is tanjong rhu and why is it called tanjong rhu? what is telok kurau and why is it called telok kurau...) perhaps the stopping of teaching malay as our bahasa kebangsaan or our national language since the early '80s have resulted in subsequent generations that are not sensitised to malay words. whatever it is, singaporeans have accepted things as they are. they no longer are curious. and becos of this, they have missed out the many little treasures of the singapore experience.

isn't it regretful? living in heaven but not knowing how to appreciate heaven. seeing things half empty rather than half filled...

ps: for those who still have some sense of curiosity about things around you, i encourage you to learn a bit of malay and you will know many more things about singapore's pass that you never know existed before. and of cos, you will be able to appreciate the romantic nature of the malay words and the charm it gives to the places... jalan senyum (the lane of smiles), jalan sayang (the lane of love), tanjong rhu (the bay of casuarinas - imagine a bay where the waves softly laps and where rows and rows of casuarina trees lining the beach front sway and dance to the gently nudges of the breeze), etc...

fruits of my studies

i completed my masters programme almost 3 years ago and in the process, i managed to publish (as the first author) a paper on the use of online applications such as the blog for learning. it started off as my critical inquiry module and by the time i completed the research and the writings, it seemed almost equivalent to a phd thesis... heh heh. it was a great and pleasant surprise when my supervisor told me it could easily qualify for publication in an education journal and asked if i would be willing to recraft parts of the paper to sharpen it after i graduate. i agreed and recrafted the paper according to his suggestions. the paper eventually got accepted by a renown international journal for publication after being reviewed by 3 international authorities on the topic. i was superbly happy about it. it was, to me, an achievement, considering that the last time i managed to get any papers published was in 1991 after my honours thesis was published. anyway, after i got the paper published, i conveniently moved on.

and then something totally unexpected happened last month...

i was in the middle of my work and an email came in. it was from my supervisor. it was a pleasant surprise cos it had been such a long time since we communicated. and when i read the email, i almost fell off my chair! he asked if i could recall one particular assignments i did during my programme on student motivation when particpating in online discussion (of cos i did!). and he said that he had submitted it for presentation in an international conference and it had been accepted. and he asked if i would be keen to join him for this conference that would be held in july in hong kong. and what was even more surprising was that my work has also been accepted for publication as a chapter in a book to be published by springer - one of the top international book publishers in the world.

i was like "wah... what the..."

i smiled ear-to-ear when i read and reread and reread the email. i was tempted to go for the conference. but on second thoughts, the period would be a very hectic period for me at work. so regretfully, i turned down the offer... but well, i wasn't expecting anything and when this email came in, it really brightened up my day!

:-)

lingering sore throat

i realized that despite me slowly gaining my voice back, my throat continues to feel very sore, particularly at night. i supposed in the daytime, due to the need to talk, my throat muscles would be nicely exercised. and at night, when i get relaxed, that would be when things start to ache...

hmmm...

and to make matters worst, when the ambient temperature drops, i would start to cough. and to prevent my cough, i have to make sure the fan is blowing away from me. and with the sweltering heat these days, it is one helluva difficult to get proper sleep. a classic case of fan also cannot (cough), no fan also cannot (hot!). no win situation...

mid-year!

at 2359hrs last night, it struck me that it would be middle of the week when the final minute was up. and i thought - wow! it had been a good week. busy but productive. it has been one of those very few weeks where i was able to do my work without feeling disturbed and strangled by people around me... i was glad mid-week was on the way. and as i reflected, it suddenly also dawned upon me that i would also be entering the middle of the year. june has arrived! omg! half a year had passed! half of 2011 had slipped by so quickly! and i started thinking about my achievements over the last half year! damned! half a calender year gone, and one full quarter of the fiscal year down! on one hand, it seemed like lots of things have been done, yet it wasn't so clear that i had achieved any of my major kpis... especially my revenue targets! damned!

i better start to buck up!

argh!

:-)

moderate?

for the longest time, i had hoped to be able to edit some of the comments i recieved cos there were times where i felt some words would be better left out, or at least be qualified with some additional remarks (on my part)... to me, that would be the meaning of "moderate". right? that would also be in sync with what blogspot calls it right? but then when i tried to "moderate" the comments, i was only given the choice of "publish" or "delete" hmmm... so what is the point of calling it "moderate". why not just provide me to choice to "publish" or "delete" from onset, and don't need me to click another time...

1st work anniversary

time flies! today the start of my second year at work in this current company. it seemed like only yesterday when i first started work. and i was so touched when my staff got me a cake to celebrate my 1st anniversary.

totally unexpected!

thinking back, it was a totally packed and interesting year. went through 2 changes of positions within this one year. not to mention, an early confirmation and one promotion. quite rare and almost unheard of in my company and i was really thankful to them for the trust they have in me. it was certainly an achievement!

:-)

ugly singaporeans

this was what went through my mind when i visited changi airport t3 last evening - "omg! singaporeans are really ugly!"

(the second thing that passed through my mind was "man! singaporeans are a hungry lot - and it wasn't even hungry ghost festival yet!" but ahem... that would be another story... let me go on about the "ugly" part...)

when i said ugly, i didn't mean ugly as in "bad behaviour", that has already been accepted as a norm for me. i meant - their physical looks can be really really... erm... ugly. there were many people with distorted facial features (yes, i am being mean to write this), people who were fat, people who were obese, people who wore make-up so thick their face looked like some terracotta warrior (and they would even put the japanese geishas to shame), people who poured so much perfume on their body you could smell them miles away, people with hairdos so bad you wished they'd just go bald, people with faces that don't match the body, people with body that don't match the clothes, and people with clothes that don't match the personality... and a splish splash of colours all over the body that clash everywhere! aiyoyo! and not to mention there were many many people who strut around in slippers, singlets, and shorts macam they were in a wet market. and for god sake, you don't dress your toddlers up in pyjamas, bring them to the airport and let them run around like it was some pyjamas stay over night! it was simply an eye sore! that was not what you do to welcome your guest from other countries!

eeeeeeeeks! may be this was some plot of sia to make their girls look good (considering their standards have dropped over the years...)

then again, when i looked at myself, i myself was not dressed to the 9s either. i was in my berms, pullover (as usual) and in my sandals too... so... heh heh... i must be as ugly as many of them too! heh heh heh...

:-)

ps: for any tourists who happened to go down to basement 2 foodcourt after arriving singapore, it must have felt like descending into hell (ahhh.. get me back to my country!), everything look fugly, both in its behavioural sense as well as in it physical sense, and all the crowds and the screaming and wailing kids. well... i could only say - surprising singapore! uniquely singapore! welcome! vanekum! selamat datang ke singapura!

changi t3

i have my dinner at changi airport t3 foodcourt quite often. after all, it is only a 5min drive from my place. and i like to head there becos it is relatively quiet and there are a lot of space, which means i do not get the claustrophobic feel there and i do not need to squeeze amongst crowds, join in the endless queues for food, and so on...

but this wasn't so last night when i visited the place for dinner. the place was totally jam-packed. i first saw signs of overcrowding when i appraoch the carpark. there were 3 basement levels with a combined total of more an a thousand carpark lots. and when i arrived, there was only about 100lots left in basement 3. first time! and when i walked into the building itself, it looked like a typical orchard road traffic junction where hundreds of people were waiting to cross. and it was 9-plus. my goodness! and it way past dinner time! yet, there were long queues in the foodcourt. all the tables were filled and there were people standing behind those still eating. and of cos, there were those few wondering around waiting to pounce on newly available tables. and there were screaming children all over the place! it seemed like these days, parents do not sent their kids to bed at 8pm... worst still, parents there totally let loose their kids. many were running around and screaming at the top of their voice, not to mention quite a few others were crying and wailing.

changi airport t3 has become a big childcare center with a hawker-center!

aarrggghhhh!

ladybird

this is something that used to be a common sight during my kampong days. i often get it flying into my house and i would catch it and admire its beauty. reminded of it when someone used the nick "ladybird" to post comments in my blog recently. the ladybird hardly comes by these days. i don't even know if it still exist in the wild in singapore.

picture obtained from http://www.123rf.com. i am not sure if it is the same species as those found locally. nonetheless, it is a ldaybird alright!

working @ home

i just spend my whole freaking saturday working at home!

well, ok, ok... not the whole saturday. was at my mum's till abt 2pm and then i came home and it was work work work. need to hand up the completed proposal by monday and i am only half there. well, am not really complaining frankly. on the bright side, it's half done! actually, when i work, i can get kinda sucked into it such that i can loose track of time totally - like today. and then before i realized it, it is already coming to 7-plus! and i only stopped cos i am hungry...

ok, gonna head out for dinner, take my medicine and then perhaps have an early night.

:-)

ps: this is such a lame aimless post! ha!

kfpd 2

somehow, as i watched kung fu panda 2, i couldn't help but get reminded of many of the political undertones... my mind was racing non-stop as i watched the show... why do we have a panda with green eyes? a panda that behaves anything but chinese... it reeks so much of having an american identity behind a chinese front, an abc (american born chinese) kinda thing... and why do we have an enemy-of-panda that is a red and white peacock, to be accurate, while peacock with feathers patterns that looked like a red dot in the center... hmmm... panda - china on the outside, america on the inside? america's silent way of trying to americanise the modern china? pop culture? and then we have peacock - bird we usually associate with india. red and white? to be specific red dot in white background - japan? land of the rising sun? hmmm, kinda uncanny, but it seemed like we have a show that is trying to illustrate the goings of 4 major powers at play here... america, china, japan and india...

ok, i am getting to sound out of place... my geopolitical trainings getting into my way again...

and oh, by the way, didn't we also know that china and india, and china and japan, have historical tensions too? and are currently competing powers in the asian region... but well, what about history where japan invaded china and had millions killed (nanking massacre)? peacock killing panda village? hmmm... and what about america beating the shit out of japan with red firy balls called atomic bombs? ok, ok... i just cannot stop...

anyway, despite being reminded of all these things, i actually enjoyed the show. a lot more depth in this story. i liked the fact that the show brought out the different sides of almost every individual characters and that it also explained a whole lot more of panda's history. nice! and yes, if you wanna watch it, it is worth every bit to pay a bit more and watch the 3d version. lots of actions.

:-)

ps: i actually did not find it funny that i shared the same surname as the villian of the show. hmmph!

resting @ home

last night, i slept early. i had a good and restful night. then again, it was the kind of sleep where i knew i had quite a few dreams through the night, but just simply could not recall the dreams when i woke up. most importantly, i woke up feeling refreshed mentally. however, i could not say i was as refreshed physically. in fact, when i woke up, my eyelids were almost glued to each other, my throat felt parched and tight, and i felt thirsty and sticky from a night of perspiration. and when i tried to talk, nothing came out! i had totally totally totally lost my voice!

i decided that i should abandon my chinese medication today and that i should consult a western doctor. screw the long term wellness that tcm promised. what i needed immediately were short term solutions to regain my voice, clear my throat and most importantly, get well! and so i went to my family physician... walked into the consultation room and as usual, my family doctor smiled broadly, welcomed me and asked about my mum, my family la la la... he knew my family well, afterall, we have been seeing him since the mid-1970s. this doctor had operated on me when i was 5 yrs old, and he had seen me grow from a small kid into an adult today as much as i have seen him aged from a young man into a elderly gentleman who is in this late-6os/ early-70s now. anyway, i walked in, smiled and tried to say hello but what came out with nothing more than a low-toned and coarse "haaiii"... and i couldn't even deliver that single word clearly! he noted my response, and hurriedly ushered me to take my seat. he checked my temperature, my breathing, my throat, and so on. and to his questions, i could only utter single-worded answers. i had to use my hands to make sign languages, as well as to nod and shake my head to complement my largely inaudible vocal responses. he gave quite a few tsk tsk tsk... and spoke in kind, warm, reassuring tones. the kind of tone you would expect a daddy to speak to his sickly boy lying in the hospital bed... yes, that was the same feeling he gave me after all these close to 40 years of knowing him. he went on to write me a prescription, told me he would give me an mc and that i really needed to rest...

and so here i am... mentally refreshed and quite awake, and doing my work at home via my blackberry. but physically, i am resting...

:-)

keeping the no-lying precept

i had spend some time to delete all my pictures/ status updates/ postings in my facebook lately as part of my exit from facebook. and in the process, i realized i had some past postings where i posted urls from controversial sites. and looking at them now, it was clear to me that i had been emotional. i reckoned that that by reporting these urls, i had helped to spread lies. and i asked some myself some questions...

• when we deliberately spread a piece of information that we know is true, are we guilty of lying?
• when we deliberately spread a piece of information that we know is not true, are we guilty of lying?
• when we deliberately spread a piece of information that we were not sure whether is true or not, are we guilty of lying?
• when we deliberately spread a piece of information that we were not sure whether is true or not, then go about verifying it. and when we found it to be not true, we did not retract the information and continue spreading it. are we guilty of lying?
• when we deliberately spread a piece of information that we were not sure whether is true or not, then go about verifying it. and when we found it to be not true, we retract the information and stop spreading it. are we guilty of lying?

these were some questions i asked myself when i revisited some of my postings in my facebook. and i concluded that if i continue to keep postings in my facebooks after finding out that they are not true, i would have broken my precept of not lying.

hmmm...

ps: as to what my answers are to the questions above, for question 1 and 5, no, we are not guilty of lying. for questions 2 and 4, yes we are guilty of it. as for question 3, it is quite "iffy" and we can argue both for or against. but i think the key point here is that if we have made the decision to post the url, we must also take it upon ourselves to verify the information. that would be a responsible thing to do as a buddhist. many a times, it is not whether we lie or not, it is about our responsibilities to seek the truth. that, ultimately is what being enlightened is about.

fts

foreign talents? who coined this name by the way? perhaps it has been coined with all good intentions. but the way this term had been bastardized and used, it had been degraded into nothing but a mockery by the ungrateful people of this country to mean anything foreign that do not meet their freaking elitist standards or likings. seriously, singaporeans are a whole lot of self-denying people. frankly, how many of you singaporeans do not have ancestors who come from foreign soils? almost none! and you dare to now throw your weights around people you deemed foreigners! what audacity! and worst still, how dare you degrade and place people lower than you just because they do all the jobs you don't want to do? without them, where do you get your mbs? without them? where do you get your clean hawker centers? do you not realize that these people are no different from your samsui women of the years passed? ungrateful!

this morning, i was reminded about some experiences of mine when i visited australia in 1993 and 1996. in both occasions, i was there to attend some overseas training. and in both occasions, i had the opportunity to interact with some locals. i was reminded by mnay of my friends and colleagues, before heading there, that i should move around in groups and avoid the locals (read - australians). the locals were known to react unkindly to overseas asians. the advice was not unfounded cos personally i did have some rather unpleasant encounters. apart from being spitted at, i also had people shouting "hey, go back to your fucking country!" at me. such hostilities were particularly stark in urbanized areas such as sydney and its surrounding suburbs. in contrast, i found people in the less populated areas such as mount tamborines to be really friendly. in fact, i had made some pretty good friends during my stay there and some remained friends for many many years.

when i was faced with such negative reactions, the feeling was not pleasant at all. and it was not pleasant at several levels. firstly, as a visitor to the country, i was spending good money there and i was contributing to their well-being directly. i definitely did not deserve such treatments from them. secondly, i did not do anything to them to provoke such a responses. well, i know they were not happy that about the large numbers of asians (especially vietnamese) within their communities. on one hand, i could not really blame them cos it was rather clear that the asians were not really making any efforts to integrate with the locals. also, there did not seemed to be any strong initiatives from the local authorities to encourage such social integration. but on the other hand, i could not accept their strong reactions to me. i thought it was a tat too elitist and did not speak well of australian as a whole. i was really glad i came from singapore and i felt really proud to be singaporean. singapore was a country where "regardless of race, language or religion" was part of the national pledge. social policies were all aimed towards integration. after my visit in 1996, i decided i should minimize my visits to australia... to me, the australia then equated to western-elitism and bad behaviour.

fast forward to today, 2011 may.

it seemed like what i saw in australia in 1993/96 is now happening right in front of me. people (read - singaporeans) are selfish, self-centered, elitist, etc. singapore seemed to now equate to western-elitism. hmmm, perhaps, no. singapore is now more of self-centred, singapore-elistism. people attitude can be summed up as - i am a singapore chinese and i don't welcome china chinese becos they are (fill in the blanks), i am a singapore indian (south asian) and i don't welcome india indians becos they are (fill in the blanks), etc... worst still, some people turn nasty when they see anything that seemed foreign (and this includes hanyu pinyin names)! i can understand the tensions. i can accept that singaporeans feel unhappy about having foreigners as they give the society a slightly different and unfamiliar feel. it can be rather unsettling. but from the many readings and interactions, i realized that singaporeans have the "unwanted jobs, give it to them (foreigners), but when it resources and common space, i want it all" mentality. it is quite troubling. it is quite sickening.

anyway, the recent events made me think very hard about whether it is really worthwhile to stay in this country. also, it made me think very hard whether i should simply cut off some of my friends (elitist ones, emotional ones, unobjective ones, and so on). as what many have told me, to be happy, one needs to mix around with happy people. i supposed this also applies to having similar minded friends when it comes to thinking. again, it is nothing against them.

ok, will stop here... just another emotional but aimless reflection while resting at home.