paranoia

i am gonna end this year with a disappointment. disappointed that despite all the efforts and attention given to mum, she has, once again, gone paranoid. and invariably, yet again, i get the brunt of it. i could only suspect it was due to the dinner i had with my uni friends two nights ago. anyway, i learned of all these when i send her to the hospital earlier on.

what happened today was that her wheezing got worst and couldn't be stopped. you see, she had a bout of flu since two weeks back and this had made her breathing more difficult. and despite seeing the family gp, her flu did not fully recover. in fact, it got worse these last few days and her wheezing started again. nonetheless, i was able to arrest the wheezing by administering the nebulizer and her oxygen saturation level increased to about 85% (which was her normal levels). this evening, despite giving her the nebulizer, her wheezing did not improve. her saturation level kept at 70% and did not increase further. i also noted her pulse rate was at a high of 115. these signs suggest a more problematic issue of waterlogged lungs. and despite her insistence on not going to the hospital, i brought her in. i was afraid her heart couldn't manage it and she might suffer a heart attack. at the hospital, her blood pressure reading was 190-95. very high systolic reading. not a good sign. the doctor did a quick check and said she needed admission immediately.

i informed all my siblings about her vital signs and that to my rude shock, my brother accused me of causing her to be like that. it's due to her anxiety he said. you just need to console her and everything will be ok. i was confused initially, but from his strings of hostile smses and accusations, i learned that mum had been telling him that i had gone out with bad people, that she wants to go to the temple to pray etc. it was useless trying to explain to him that the increased heart rate was due to the lungs that had been found to be waterlogged. nope, it was due to me, he insisted. i didn't want bother to convince him otherwise. i just said ok, and stopped the whole conversation. but inside me, i was boiling. the last time something like this happened, he accused me of ill-treating my mum and not hiring a maid, now that i have a maid, he has found new reasons. sighs... what can i say. i admit i am feeling very frustrated. and i hate to say this, sometimes i really wish mum would just die straight away and not create all these nonsense for me. but of course, i knew these are angry thoughts that should not even have crossed my mind but i need to vent. very badly.

thinking about the whole incident, it kinda explains why mum insisted on not staying in hospital. she also held onto her prayer beads tightly and refused to let go when i drove her to the hospital. during the trip, she also said that i wished she would be hospitalized. she must have thought i wanted to get rid of her or something like that. and much as i am angry and frustrated now, i know there is nothing i can do. i have a paranoid mum, an unreasonable and self-centered brother who constantly finds fault with me. the best i can do is to simply do what irresponsible people would do - and that is - to simply ignore them.

haiz...