venting

i sometimes ask myself if, being gay, i have to shoulder the full responsibilities of taking care of my elderly parents. and i am asking this not becos i am doing it, but also becos i notice this is happening to many of my friends. and i also see some sort of trend whereby our married siblings have all sorts of excuse about having to take their family factors into considerations and as such have their xyz reasons for not being able to look after our elderly parents. this, of cos, is the selfish side of me talking. ultimately, taking care of my own parent is my responsibilities. but really, when help is needed, i get no support whatsoever from any of my siblings.

for a start, my eldest sis is not on talking terms with me. and all this becos i threatened her when she tried to force convert my dad to christainity on his death-bed. and till today, she continue to hold the grudge against me. as for my second sis, i get all sorts of excuses from her. excuses to not do the simplest of all things, such as giving a call to my mum to talk to her or to ask about her well-being. and even if it is as simple as getting a pack of dinner if i have to work late, she would come to the house super duper late. and my mum would be left hungry. sorry, i am very busy, and that is it, or, my daughters this or my daughters that... you know my issues, i cannot let her come to my house, they will complain she is this or that... ok, ok, ok... no worries. i will take care of everything. no questions asked. no judgment - ok, as for no judgment, i must admit it is not really a case of totally no judgment on my part. i would rather put it as - i have given up on you people! as for my brother... he seemed a little more understanding these days. then again, he will at times throw all sorts of accusations at me for not taking care of my mum well. sighs... perhaps it is becos mum, in her bad state of mind, has been talking all sorts of negative things to him about me. and he will end up threatening me... all too familiar cos that was exactly what he did when i looked after my dad. ironic cos in the first place, he was the one who threw them out of his house and left them with no place but to stay with me.

sighs... ok, i am simply venting. not feeling too good these days. not too sure why. perhaps it is the stress of looking after my mum and the feeling that i have no more time for myself. or perhaps it is due to my impending change of job (although i do not think so), or perhaps i am feeling stressed by bee's trips overseas, which he refused to go into details, or perhaps it is just a combination of everything. ok, i better stop here. have not been sleeping well these couple of nights. had stay almost awake whole of last night wondering why bee did not call back or who was he with. he has never in our 8 years together not been uncontactable for more than 30hours... and i have tried calling him so many times i have lost count. he has just returned and acted like as though nothing has happened.

i feel like vomiting now. damned. i should try to get some sleep.