the "commitment" to deny me my sexuality

this post is a continuation of what i wrote sometime back about my being outed by the armed forces in 2005. in this post, i focus on what happened after my interrogation... read on...

after that fateful full-day interrogation, many things changed... for a start, i felt totally different. somehow, it was a great sense of relief. yet on the other hand, there was a sense of uncertainty. i was sure major changes would unfold in the days to come. but for that moment, i just wanted to head home and sleep. as arranged, i would be required to head back to the security department to make my "commitments"... and that we agreed would occur the following week after my trip to bkk with bee.

fast forward to after my bkk trip. i was back in that security department again. i was asked to write a commitment. and becos of my conversation with "d", i had expected what they would want me to commit myself to. and so, even before the whole conversation started, i told them i would observe the necessary restrictions that they hoped i would commit myself to, within reasonable limits. for a start, they wanted me to stop any communications with all, yes, all my gay friends. i was to stop all contacts and relationships with anyone gay. i refused to. to do so would isolate me and kill me. to do so would turn my into a robot. i negotiated. i asked them how they would feel if they were to be asked to stop contacting any of their friends, their relatives and their family. i supposed it hit mr. yee. he agreed that i could continue and that they would not press me to do so. the conversation lasted half a day (?), i agreed in the end to the following commitments "voluntarily", which were put into writing. the main gist of this commitment were that the measures were to limit my exposure to the gay scene and to ensure the department is kept in the loop of my whereabouts when i leave the country. in another words, the commitments were meant to restrict me and to make me behave "responsibly" in their words... some of the commitments were:

• i would not put any of my photos in any gay websites, social media and any other websites that would compromise my identity as a gay regular serviceman
• i would not visit any places (sauna, clubs, bars, etc) that gay men frequent, regardless of whether these places are local or overseas
• whenever i head overseas, i would keep them posted of where i go to, and who i go with

mr. yee read what i wrote and in a show of understanding, he asked that i insert the words "as long as i were in service" to my commitments. i thought that was nice of him. again he said he could only help me that much and that he was only doing what he was supposed to do. he also explained that they were doing that as the gay men are pushing the limit "too much" for the organization's comfort. i understood. don't kill the pigeon, he is only a messenger. the issue is the organisation. anyway, i was told that i should keep all that had happened in the last 2 weeks (the call, the interrogation, etc) a secret and that i should not talk to anyone about it. i told him i couldn't do it for i had already told many of my friends. he was shocked but there was nothing he could do about it. mr. yee also assured me that he (or they) would support my desire to stay in service until i retire in 3-plus years' time. nonetheless, mr. yee highlighted that i could expect some downstream actions to be done. for a start, my masters programmes would be revoked, and that my security clearance would be immediately removed. i would also be posted out of my position to somewhere non-classified. and to end the conversation, i was given another warning - that i would be hauled back to the department for further questioning (read - interrogation) and to be put through the polygraph (aka lie detector) tests, if any areas in my statements were found to be any less than 100% truthful, or if i were to be found not to have observed my commitments.

with this negotiated stand, i signed the commitments. and with my signature, i had lost my freedom to be a gay person.

i was arranged to talk to the security department's dy director subsequently. i couldn't recall much of the conversation. but i knew i was a lot more stable and more composed of myself by then. thinking back, i remembered sounding a little defiant when i spoke with him. if i recalled correctly, part of the conversation revolved around the need to maintain security and safeguard the organization, about the need to be pre-emptive and not allow what happened to the education ministry happen to the armed forces (that was the period where a few teachers were found guilty of molesting boys), that as a national institution, they could not risk jolting parent's confidence if they were to find out that their sons in national service were interacting with or worst, led by gay officers. one more point was added (i couldn't recall if the dy director or mr. yee told me this), that the systematic witch hunt started late-2004 after the authorities banned the fridae-organized snowball and that a military themed party organized that made them very very uncomfortable. they felt it had gone too far and that it would undermine mindef's position if nothing was done. to me, all these did not make sense. and for those parts that i could understand, i could not accept. at one part of the conversation, i recalled asking him how he would view a person who has a wife, and children, and one day, cheated on his wife by having affairs outside. i asked if he would probably pass it off as normal and that what i described was nothing short of what normal tv soap operas would show. he nodded. and i added, what if the person in question and his wife were both men? i asked if his perception of this whole episode had changed? and before he could answer, i iterated that this change in perception was not becos of any moral judgment on the man's infidelity but rather the fact that the characters involved were homosexuals... that this whole treatment to gay service persons was nothing more than homophobia? 

nonetheless, the conversation did not last very long. whatever they need to put me through, they had done so. and my fate had been sealed. frankly, when i look back, a lot of things seemed a blur to me now... i supposed my spiral into depression, the onset of my epilepsy, and the many other happenings after this whole episode significantly affected my memory... but well, i do recall the major occurrences. and my blogging did helped me recall quite a few of the things that happened.

i served my commitments and some three and a half years later, left the military. that, in a huge way, was my resurrection as a gay person, that for the first time in my life, i was able to do what i want without having to inform them about what i did...