2014 - intense

i started off 2014 with the clarity that i wanted to make this year a fulfilling one. and i had put in my efforts to make it so. my gut feel was that i had achieved it in areas that was under my control. but in areas that were not, it was seriously challenging. and so, i will not be calling 2014 a fulfilling one. and reflecting 2014, i realised that "fulfilment" had been a guiding principle but cannot be an outcome given that the people around me were not necessary in sync with me in terms of what i what i want to achieve. and thus, in refraining from using the term "fulfilling" to describe 2014, i found myself in a fix as to what adjectives i could use to describe 2014. some of the terms that came to mind include "tumultuous", "eventful", "difficult", "challenging" (you get the drift), or for that matter, even the terms "in and out" - something that was suggested by a fy - a friend i had known for quite a couple of years but have never met. but reflecting on things objectively, such negative sounding terms kinda resonate with me probably due to the recency effect of the events over the last couple of weeks. and thus, i shall not use them. instead, let me use the term "intense" to describe 2014. here's why...

personal life

i got my maid on 19 dec 2013. and with her presence, i was able to cope better with looking after mum although i must say that the initial 4-5 months were rather hellish for me given the huge tensions that occurred between mum and the maid. it was really bad. i supposed it was the initial periods where both of them (and myself) had to come to terms with having a new member in the team, made worst by a mum that was mentally unsound yet wanting to exert her authority - a very clear behaviour reflective of those of towkays (or perhaps more like slave owners) over coolies that was her time aeons ago. there were times where i had to rush home from work, and to find the maid crying and my mum totally emo, demanding that the maid be sacked or the maid be punished for little things that didn't meet her expectations. but thankfully, that period came and went and the maid had gotten used to the task of taking care of mum. and with her presence, i was able to leave the house for say dinner and shows without worrying about mum. and in this aspect, i thought my personal life improved. hurray for me in this aspect. on the other hand, many events and relationship-related issues i faced this year made me reflect about my own sense of security. i realised i had been reliant on people in many aspects and that i had placed too much value in relationships. now, this is not a bad thing per se and for that matter, a very human thing. but for me, it had come to a point where i found my own happiness and well-being being affected so badly when people around me did not did not value me. for example, all these while, i kept thinking how great it would be if people around me (especially bee) can be there for me, to show care, to show concern and to pamper me. but i learned my lesson very hard in 2014 that i cannot force them to and i ended up being isolated. so for 2015, i will build personal emotional resilience to be able to stand on my own, and minimise the need to rely on others emotionally and i will continue to give myself the space/ the me-time to maintain my sanity and well-being. i will learn to respect myself and to love myself more. 

mum

it was probably one of the more manageable year for me in the areas of looking after mum. and it was not because her condition improved. contrary to this, her mental health actually took a nose dive and created many tensions for me as a caregiver. symptoms of schizophrenia appeared. her forgetfulness increased. she was diagnosed to have diabetes. her respiratory capacities decreased. her mental capacities also dropped and her tantrums came rather often, etc. and everything threatened me in all aspects of my life - from my me-time, work-time, etc. but i tried as far as i could to retain my sanity. it helped a lot that i had a maid (who understood the challenges) and had complemented me in managing mum. it also helped that i was familiar with her medication and that i had learnt how to titrate the medication to suit the situation. physically, she has also weakened and this was in part due to her weight and her sedentary lifestyle. she was heavy, too heavy for her frame. and she had insisted that her legs were weak due to her op (that happened almost a decade ago). to make things worst, her mental health medications have the side effects of weight gains. and while i tried to control her diet, i had to make sure it did not affect her quality of life (food-wise). otherwise, i thought she fared relatively well compared to previous years, judging by the very few incidences of hospital stays. for the year ahead, i will do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space. i foresee this to be an increasing challenge but i will need to do it to retain my well-being.

bee

i said i wanted to work with him to see how best we can make our time together meaningful and that was done as much as i possibly could. but it turned out that he was the key source of periodic tensions throughout the year. and the intensity of these tensions increased tremendously over time. all these tensions were due to his overseas visits. his lack of considerations for me and his insistence to head overseas (bkk) rather frequently soured our relationship badly. the year ended with me momentarily declaring myself single. but i have decided to give him another chance. could this be a case of horse vs horse in a horse year? that horse people will meet with lots of issues as this is the year of clashes with our tai sui. this would be a good excuse for my tensions - that all things being equal, blame it on the stars. but these things have happened and what i want to do is to forgive and move on. but having said that, it is very hard to forget something that have hurt me to the point of almost killing me. so, as i move ahead in this relationship, i want to work at reclaiming my space and i want him to know it. moving into 2015, the ball is in his court and if he fails to observe his promises to me, i will end the relationship. and this is not a threat, it is a fact. so my efforts in this relationship for the coming year is that i will play my part as a partner. it takes two hands to clap and if the other hand refuses to, i cannot help it. to me, this is a very down-to-earth and realistic approach to relationships, based on respect, care and concern, and considerations for each other, and not based on ideals of love and the belief that one must always be happy and whatever.

sapphie

at 14, sapphie is now a grand old dame of a dog. she was perhaps the luckiest amongst everyone in the household. she did not suffer any illness this year and had had all her routines well taken care of. she continued to enjoy the attention of people around her. it occurred to me that i had also considered her in many of my routines. and this came clearly when i found myself avoiding activities when i had the choice when mum was away, all because i wanted to ensure she's looked after. anyway, one thing was clear, she had weakened physically in 2014. she now finds it hard to take long walks and ends up panting life crazy. and she trips when she goes for slow jogs with me. i attribute all this to her age. she is no longer a puppy although she still have the tendency to want to behave like one, then to stumble and fall. it was quite funny actually. for mongrels, the average lifespan is 15-16 years and this set me thinking - will she leave us 2015? i certainly hope not, but if it happens, i celebrate the fact that she has had a good life. something that perhaps other dogs can only envy. (doesn't it sound funny for me to use a human eye to interpret a dog's view of ideal life? haha...) so for the coming year, i will continue to provide care for her and to give her the attention she needs. having said this, i will bear cognisance of the need to have a delicate balance with other spaces i have to manage, and that includes that of mum and myself. and if she dies, i will give her a proper and respectful send off.

siblings

with no expectations, i had no/ minimal disappointments. am still not talking to my eldest sis. as for my second sis, i had left her on her own and did not ask for anything from her. she kept her obligations and continued to help out, finance-wise and once a blue moon, visited mum. as for my brother, it continued to be one where there was mutual understanding and where we do not intrude into each other's space unnecessarily. similar to second sis, he observed his obligations towards contributing to mum's upkeeping. mum's reduced frequency in hospitalisation also helped smoothen out the relationship with him. and by virtue of the very close relationship i had with his kids, i had taken on the role of an elder in his household and by default, the unstated tasks of taking care of his kids whenever extra help was needed (such as when my nephew was hospitalised and i had to sleep with him in his hospital bed as they got about settling other stuff and looking after their elder kid) fell onto me. for 2015, i will continue to play my role as a brother/ uncle and i will continue to have no expectations of my siblings.

health

i didn't fare as well in the areas of health this year. much as i kept my tempo in my physical fitness and observe reasonable dietary habit, i had quite a few health scares in 2014. this was on top of the multiple occasions where i suffered a relapse of my depression. and they came one after another non-stop. there was issues relating to kidney stones, reflux, plantar fasciitis/ swollen and painful soles etc. and as part of treating these issues, i underwent the procedure to remove kidney stones sometime mid-year. it was something i really hope not to go through anymore in future. but the silver lining of all these procedures were the clarity that i did not have any cancer (as yet). i ended the year with some outstanding medical tests to be done within the next 1-2 months of 2015 including a scope of my stomach. given that my family had a history of cancer, i have been considered to be in the high risk group. so... for 2015, i will continue to exercise and learn to relax. diet-wise, i will ensure a good balance between eating what's good vs what's nice (that may not necessarily be good for health, heh heh).

work 

i achieved my aims of strengthening my team and deepening our professional relationship. it was indeed a great achievement for me, but i had the regretful task of having to send her off following her resignation in oct 14. her resignation reflect the tumultuous and intense work environment that happened in office this year. it was superbly challenging. the company did not do well amidst challenging business environment, the ceo resigned after restructuring the business, a new ceo came in, the company was downsized and almost 25% of staff left (voluntarily or otherwise), my dynamic and well-loved chief was asked to leave, the next level leader took over unwillingly and within a few weeks of assuming the role, resigned. significantly, the removal of my chief shook the department and one after another started to look for opportunities outside. the lack of effective leadership saw the whole department falling apart. one after another, key people in the department left. i myself almost left following an offer by a bank. the offer did not materialise regretfully although on hindsight, it was a blessings as i learned that the internal environment was superbly challenging due to people-related/ relationship-related issues. so, yeah, 2014 was terrible for me in terms of work. i now have a new boss. i am still feeling him out but one thing seemed clear to me, for 2015, i will evaluate my fit relationship-wise, my development opportunities as well as my progression. relationship with boss is one factor, but importantly, my development and my fit is equally important. i will certainly make conscious efforts to develop myself professionally this coming year. and if my current company is not able to provide development opportunities and growth, i will change job, even if it means i have to work somewhere farther away from home.

friends

i have continued my efforts in engaging my friends in 2014. and i supposed many have come to terms that i have to look after my mum and they have considered my needs when they planned for any meet-ups. in addition, i have also maintain good contacts with my online friends. these friends continue to provide the support to me when things get challenging. and to these friends, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. for 2015, let's keep the relationships going and i will make more efforts to meet up.

bloggers/ blogging 

blogging was one of the key highlights for 2014. i started the year with the objective to continue blogging. and i did that, and more. i surpassed all my previous years in blogging entries for the year. i achieved an average 2 entries per day for 2014. then again, this achievement also reflect the increased frequencies of events that impacted me, both positively and otherwise, this year. my blog statistics perhaps is the ultimate quantifiable figure that reflected the intensity of the year. but from another perspective, it also showed that my life 2014 had been one very interesting one. for next year, i will continue my efforts to capture my life and experiences. 

in conclusion, 2014 had been an intense year for me in almost all aspects of my life. and when all the tensions coincide (such as health, mum and bee), i hit a state of near collapse. it occurred several times, most recently just last week. it was regrettable that i had to cap 2014 with a high degree of negativity but reflecting objectively, i had had a reasonably good journey. enlightening to a great extent. learning from my lessons in 2014, it looked like for 2015, the theme for it would be for me to lead a more balanced life, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more. 

happy 2015 everyone!

vitamin b6

i had started taking vitamin b6.  lets hope it helped me better manage my depression as well as my memory lost.

loosing my memory

i really do not know why.

these couple of days, i really find myself unable to remember simple things. it can be simple phone pin codes to allow me access during my internet banking or simple things like where i left stuffs. but i simply cannot commit them to memory, or even if i did, i cannot recall them after short moments.

it reminded me of mum. is something happening to me? could it be this recent challenging times create by bee that made me this way? and i said so because whenever i faced some huge mental stress, i will both experience some loss of memory as well as weakening of my mental capabilities. of cos, this usually comes after a prolonged period of depression. and this was what i had observed of myself through my life.

let's hope this forgetfulness does not last.

his promises

after our conversation, he promised me yesterday the following:

• that he will be more sensitive about and considerate to me

• that he will consult me and seek my agreement before he goes for any overseas (specifically, bkk) trip. and if i do not agree, he will not do so

• that he would give me at least a week advance notice for any overseas (especially bkk) trip. anything less, he will reject all requests

i will use the promises in this post to hold him to his words henceforth. let's see if he can live up to these promises cos he has for many times, broken his promises and commitment to me.

this is the final straw. and he knows i am dead serious about it.

bitchy me

it was the 7am, the morning after the long conversation. 

i had downloaded all my tensions, well almost all. i was still very unhappy that he was not willing to open up a lot of details about the people he went to bkk with other than they were his 3 closest colleagues, about how he did not consult me when he left etc... there were lots of questions left unanswered. but i told myself, the ball is in his court to be open about the people he interact with and i will see how open he is about sharing their details with me in the days to come.

i was about to leave for work when i saw a credit card on my living room table. it was a sub-card i got for him, a card that he had used consistently and on almost every month fail to pay me without me reminding him. it was extra painful for me this month cos he had promised to pay me but said he would do so last week as his expenses were tight. he did not but left for bkk. i could not reconcile how his expenses could be as tight as he claimed yet he could spend twice the amount he owed me by going to bkk at such short notice. ok, that was not the point. why did he leave the card behind?

i texted him. what was you meaning of this? i sounded hostile. i was not happy. when we got together,  i did 3 things to help him and as a symbol of our bond. shall not go into details of what these are except that they all involved monies and my sub-card is one of them. since then, he had killed one of these. i was not happy but accepted that he needed to learn how to better manage his funds. soon enough, he replied i need to manage my spending. no, this was not what i expect him to do. take it back unless you are telling me the relationship is off.

i went on to ask a lot of questions, questions that i wanted answers. my questions made him feel uncomfortable. yet i did not relent. he should have seen it coming from me. i was bitchy. i demanded answers. i wanted to also make him comfortable to open up. and he answered what i asked. added to that, i demanded that he remove his line picture. a picture he had put up on monday. he was smiling cheekily. i didn't like this picture. how could he be smiling cheekily at a time when there was so much tension. he did.

through the day, i observed his reactions and his attitudes to me. and by late afternoon, i asked him to meet me for dinner. i wanted to see if he has further excuses about work etc. he did not. we had a simple evening.

the recovery

he came back on sunday afternoon.

i didn't want to talk to him. i switched off my phone. this was the longest time in our close to 10 years together that we didn't talk. i was too hurt and too numb to do so. yet despite the numbness and sense of death i felt, inwardly, there was this little bit of me that worries about his well-being. but i kept all these feeling and thoughts suppressed. i wanted to give myself a break. i wanted to be fair to myself and to convince myself that i could live life as independently as possible. i was ready to cut this relationship.

and to avoid him, i kept my phone away. i did not carry it with me. i kept it in my car. i left it at home, etc. but occasionally i would switched it on to see if he had attempted to contact me. true enough, the first message came about 4-ish. it said "i am back". and through the whole of sunday, until i slept, he called a total of 6 times. but he couldn't reach me. i couldn't care to respond. his abrupt disappearance and lack of care and considerations for me had killed my heart. i was hardened. yet, i also pondered - how many times will he call me? to me, the number of attempts to contact me reflects how important i am to him. but on the other hand, i knew he won't. he is not that type of person. for him, i was certain, he would just stop once he sensed my avoidance. and i was right. there was no further contact from him on monday. i had left the phone switched on on monday as i needed to maintain a channel of communications with mum. but yeah, he did not call. nor sms.

monday. a week had passed since i last spoke to him. this was the longest time we did not talk to each other in our close to 10 years together. i was at home at about 9pm when i finally decided to text him. i decided to start the conversation. i didn't want this to drag. if the relationship is off, let's agree and move on. let's not drag this further i thought. he replied my text shortly after i texted him. he was at (his) home. i asked him to come over. "isn't mama at home?" he asked. damned, he forgot my mum was not around. it reinforced my suspicions that nothing i said went into him. "nope, i answered, she went to stay at my brother's place." 

he came over soon enough. initially, there was just silence. he acted like as though nothing had happened. i didn't want to start the conversation but after a while, i got impatient and what followed that was a good 4-5 hours of me throwing all my tensions and thoughts about him. i decided to make all my thoughts about where he failed as a partner explicit. if he cannot sense the issues, then i might as well tell it to him point blank. it was a tense 4-5 hours interspersed with moments of silence. he was bloody defensive at times, yet at times, he felt asleep and snored. how could anyone sleep when such a serious conversation was going on, i thought. there were moments where i wanted to just tell him to fuck off, but in the end, i decided to let him decide - do you want this relationship?

he said yes. 

apologise if you agree you had gone totally off and totally overboard this time round. i half demanded. he did. and i gave him the ultimatum - then, show it in action and in thoughts. show me that you value me. otherwise, i will not hesitate to end the relationship. 

the conversation ended about 3am before he left. 

i hardly slept after that. 

interstellar

caught the show on saturday night. it was a show i really wanted to watch and it turned out to be the best show i watched this year. it was really good. great acting and great visuals of the physics theories that i had read about so much.

:-)

supportive friends

over the past week, i had countless friends, straight and gay, who called, texted or mailed me. these friends came from singapore, (east & west) malaysia, australia and for that matter, as far out as uk and copenhagen asking if i was ok and that i could manage things. 

of cos, for readers of this blog, many did not know the magnitude of the issue and the many issues behind my tensions with him (some things were better left unsaid). as for my facebook friends, most did not even know of my sexuality. but they had picked up my distress signals from the picture of cemeteries i posted as well as my lack of updates (facebook, blog, etc). i was even touched by the fact that a lady classmate, who now lives in europe, mailed me and shared about her depression. she could identify with my pains and shared some of her struggles with me. and consistently, the message given to me was "you are not alone". and online, there were a couple of social media friends who texted me consistently to simply keep my mind occupied and to keep my mind away from unhealthy thoughts. it was ironic right? the people that were there for me was not him, but people that i had not expected. 

you know who you are, thank you very much. thank you for taking the efforts and time to text, email and/ or call me.  i deeply appreciate your reaching out to me during my down moments.

:-)

liberating vs destructive

i had self-declared singlehood over the weekend. and admittedly, it was with a tint of soreness and disappointment. but with the self-declared singlehood, i felt liberated. yet, i also felt a slight need to want to inflict a certain degree of self-harm. conflicting. what occurred in my mind was - i am now single and i might as well make the most out of my life and have fun while at it. and while i am having fun, let's do it in a manner that i can destroy myself. 

and with this mentality, options like crashing my car, jumping off buildings, jumping into the way of speeding cars in highways were shelved. they didn't carry any element of fun, despite having a common end-state. on the other hand, doing things like going clubbing to meet other people, to drown myself into the crowd, into the loud music, etc did not sound good to me to. i realised i had lost touch with the scene.

in the end, i decided to do things i enjoy but couldn't do it often enough and that these activities also came with an element of risk/ pain/ discomfort. i went to watch a midnight show - yup, to enjoy the show yet on the other hand, deprive me of some good sleep. i went to gay haunts such as fort road and cbp - to cruise and possibly, to get engage group sex, anal sex, anonymous sex, etc and get myself infected with all sorts of diseases and better still die (well, the sex part did not happen in the end) (is this what people called "revenge sex"?). i went for a run in the rain - to enjoy the feeling of rain washing away my tensions, and if possible, fall badly sick. i also took and published my nude pics online in social media and chatted with anonymous characters whenever i could.

so, yup, that kinda described how i felt and what i did to myself over the weekend. and the fact that i did and achieved what i wanted to achieve within my control, i thought the weekend was well spend.

lol.

weekend singlehood

weekend came. mentally, i had self-declared the relationship had ended and decided to give myself a chance at singlehood.

and i knew i would have a lot of time to myself, especially when my mum had gone to my brother's place to stay. i was angry that bee abandon me and left me alone despite knowing i would be free. but i was adamant that i did not want to feel lonely. to me, i told myself i had to reboot myself and to be comfortable to spend time alone. without him. i was so numbed and hardened by then. i was totally disillusioned with this relationship. i should learn to relieve myself of any dependence on others emotionally. and i should start to live positively. for myself. with this conviction, i took things in stride. i did not cry, i did not get moody, etc.

i spend the both saturday and sunday at my brother's place with my mum. but in the evenings, i headed out for some me-time. i decided not to meet up with any friends over the evenings as i didn't want to end up having to tell them sob stories. no, self-pity was the last thing i wanted, although i must frankly add that i was in a somewhat self-destructive yet self-liberating mood, i didn't know how to explain. will talk about it in another post.

anyway, on saturday night, i headed off for a movie in the evening. interstellar. it was kinda apt that i should watch this movie given that it was a movie that i had long wanted to watch but time and again, bee didn't want to (for whatever reasons) and we ended up with other shows. and if this marked the start of our separation, how appropriate right? i thought. but well, i erased that thought and simply went through the show. it turned out to be the best show i watched this year. magical. and after the movie, since i had the very rare time and opportunity to be single, alone, free and in town, might was well head out for some good fun. i wanted to head to the clubs but i had forgotten how to and there was no friends i could call to go with. also, clubs are for young boys, not uncles. haha. in the end, i went cruising. that's what all gaymen do when they have time right? but haha... turned out there were no one at the haunts. perhaps all have gone overseas for their year end break. but yeah...

i had a good weekend.

:-)

don't text me anymore

"zao an bee"

"nite bee"

"good morning bee"

"wang an bee"

what's the point of texting me good mornings and good nites when there was an absolute vacuum in between? you don't even share your flight itinerary. you don't even share your whereabouts. you don't even ask about my well-being. you are not even interested if i am managing your absence ok? if you have me in your thoughts, you will read your line messages. you will read my blog. you will call me. there was absolute silence. and the silence is very loud.

"don't text me anymore"

"goodbye"

opening up & feeling valued

i become withdrawn when i am depressed. and i don't care who you are, even if you are someone very close to me, i will just not open up so easily. and i simply hate it when people ask - but why didn't you tell me? no, i open up only when i feel right, and i don't necessarily feel right at the time when i am with people i am close to. i am not a robot that can easily just switch on and off. many times, it is easier for me to pen down my thoughts via my blog when i am quiet. so, if you value me and are concerned about me, read my blog. use it to complement our conversation. it provides another channel to know my inner thought and to deepen your understanding of me. i remembered how you used to do that, but in recent years you have stopped. and when i asked, you felt agitated and told me off. frankly, when you do that, i clamp up even more.

and i do appreciate if people i am close to can just be a little more sensitive to me. give me the space to blank off where appropriate. and when i needed it, cajole me, give me some good attention, make me feel comfortable, make me feel i am valued. it means a hell lot to me if you can simply tell me my friends have asked me to go with them to (which ever place), but i chose to stay here with you. such actions and the thoughts behind it mean a whole world lot more for me that to say things like you mean more than my life to me, i will be with you for life, etc etc etc. all these words came across as empty when they are not supported by actions. i just need you to be there for me when i need you. and often, it is just be close to me physically. in country. especially when i am down.

it's that simple. you can call me very char bor (woman), i don't care. i deserve to treat myself better.

that is me.

considerations

can i simply ask for a little bit of sensitivity and considerations for me when you make any decisions? especially when you know jolly well that this has been a very tender and difficult period for me. and unlike previous times, you have a choice to go or not to go this time round. and instead of asking me, you simply called to tell me "i will be going bkk, i know you are not going to be happy about it, but i will be going to bkk." 

fuck! how do you expect me to react? i don't apologise for getting upset when you adopt such attitude towards me.

outward vs inward

outwardly, i looked as normal as i usually did. but inwardly, i was totally messed up. i supposed people who interacted with me often enough could sense a change in me but obviously you didn't. or perhaps you simply took it that i was just simply being difficult.

time and again, i struggled with myself and have kept asking if i had been unfair to you in my behaviour whenever you travel overseas, but another side of me kept asking why you just could not seemed to consider me a little more. and why couldn't you sense my needs. added to that, i don't think it is unreasonable for me to expect you to touch base with me when you are overseas. you cannot expect me not to worry about you, you cannot expect me not to wonder if you are ok. if you have me in your thoughts, such messages will come naturally.

and when i ask that of you, we always end up with you chiding me for being unreasonable, and simply tell me off by saying things like "i cannot help it if you see things or think things this way".

distressed state

i had avoided talking for him after he told me he'd be leaving for bkk. i was really sore about it and his lack of considerations for me when he decided to go. he had a choice but chose to go. this was made worst by the earlier thoughts that i would be undergoing a medical procedure and had hoped for his presence to support me. i couldn't sleep the night before he left. it was also the night before i was supposed to head back to work after a 10-day of absence and i was totally not looking forward to it. there was no sense of purpose at work, my staff had left, i had had a quarrel with a colleague before I took my leave and i had to return back to a hostile office. i was a total mess that night.

i texted him at 2-plus after tossing and turning in bed for some time. can please don't go? please? i got a reply about an hour later that said something like – why is my going to bkk going to result in a break-up? is it that serious? i was totally not in the state of mind to talk and did not answer his call. it was close to 3am. it was not me to plead. but this time round, i did. i was desperate and helpless. i texted him and asked again – can don't go? please? i got no reply from him.

it will not be truthful for me to say that i didn't contemplate suicide at that wee hours of the morning. i was too confused and too upset by that time to think objectively. i had hoped he could be around during this christmas period. i am not christian and do not celebrate christmas but still, i had hoped that he would be around during this special season that to me, is very family-centric and very significant. i had also hoped he would understand my current state of mind. but i supposed it was kinda too much of me to ask for. perhaps he didn't know the extent of depression that i was nor understand the mental stress i had been facing. or maybe i didn't tell him all these things directly.

my mind was in a state of turmoil when i headed off to work that morning. i arrived at work early but didn't want to head up to my office. i ended up parking my car at an isolated corner of the business park and i just sat there, dazed. i headed to work as per normal and at about 9.15am, i got his message – i am boarding, don't be sore about it. see you sunday. that very moment, a large part of me died. my heart hardened.

my hands were trembling so badly i could hardly hold my phone when i saw his final pre-boarding message. from his text, it was clear he had read my blog and understood how sore i was about his going bkk. and added to that, despite my pleading with him, he had proceeded to leave for bkk. he had given a deaf ear to my plea to him. it was then that i concluded that my well-being has become secondary to him. that his "colleagues" (or perhaps "friends" or whatever) were more important to him. they have taken over me in his heart.

i didn't know what to do at that moment. i felt so totally helpless. i walked out of my office and stood at my office building stairwell. i didn't know what to do. outwardly, i seemed ok to my office staff. but inside, i was crying. since he wanted to go bkk so badly with his "colleagues", i contemplated making him feel guilty for his act. forever. once again, i was so near to taking my own life. i almost lost my senses. but i didn't. after i gain composure, i walked back to my cubicle, my clothes damp from my perspiration. after that, i simply retracted into myself even more.

i was literally a walking zombie the whole day. it didn't matter that the department had a christmas lunch, or that they got me a belated birthday cake. it didn't matter that everyone seemed so smiley and cheerful. to me, everything was a total pack of lies. all fake, all make believe. everything was so meaningless since then.

sore & confused

i am still feeling very sore about bee leaving for bkk. i may not be christian and i do not celebrate christmas, but still, i do wish to be able to spend christmas with my family. and i have considered him as my family.

i have once again asked if i should just end this relationship. he has time and again, repeatedly tell me of his visits last minute. and all the time, he said it was for work. and all the time, it coincided with public holidays. and this time round, it happened again. and he had anticipated my hostile reaction. 

but this time round, it was to pray. and to relax. not work. he has a choice, he admitted. but he chose to go. this despite knowing i had to undergo gastroscopy (before i found out it was a consultation). 10 years ago, i experienced a similar incident with james. he chose his work over my health. he refused to accompany me for my brain scan. that incident shook me really hard.

looks like history has some what repeated itself. 

i am confused. 

no scope done (yet)

went to the clinic expecting to have my gastroscopy done but no, in the end, it was a consultation with the doctor to assess if i am fit for the procedure. 

after asking a whole lot of questions to understand my medical history, he asked me to lie down on the examination table. and he pressed his hands onto different parts of my abdominal areas. some areas felt a little sore, but when he pressed the appendix areas, i almost jumped up. it was really tender. he apologised.

in the end, i was made to sign a series of papers - for the anaesthetic, for the procedure, for acknowledging that there is a risk (0.01%) of internal bleeding and tears, etc... and my appointment was fixed. 

22 jan 15.

gastroscopy

i will be heading to the hospital tomorrow to undergo the gastroscopy procedure. it's to check if there are anything nasty in my upper gastrointestinal tract that is causing my reflux (gerd). feeling a little uneasy now. have not been told of any special preparations on my part but when i read the internet, i learned that i needed to fast for 6-8 (some even suggested up to 10hours) before the procedure. i was not supposed to drive or to operate any machinery as i would be drowsy after the procedure. and much as it would be a very straight forward and simple procedure, there is a little wee bit of chance of complications (like internal bleeding)... so i read.

wanted to ask bee to drive me there. i had hoped he would be around to give me the support tomorrow and the next few days (just in case of complications). but it's not gonna happen. he's heart is not here anymore. he leaves for bkk wednesday and tomorrow he'll probably be busy finishing his work and preparing his trip with his "colleagues". and i am not in the mood to talk to him now.

i think i'll just walk to the hospital tomorrow.

wtf right?

ps: frankly, i am a little apprehensive about the procedure. never liked having things being inserted into me. thus far, i have had things inserted through my rear, my penis, my nose, and my ears before.  and this would be the final hole to be invaded... lol!

going bkk again...

yup, bee is heading to bkk again. to pray, considering the (his company's) business is not doing too well, and to relax with his "colleagues". wednesday to sunday. once again, as always, it is when there is a holiday (last time, it was deepavali, and this time round, christmas) and his trip would be stretched over the holiday period into the weekend.

when he told me that, i almost wanted to just cancel the taiwan trip.

:-(

standard liners?

i had some time to myself and wanted to make an appointment for a facial. i called them up and this was how the conversation went:

me: hi, i'd like to make an appointment for this afternoon. 

service staff: errr, can i have your name?

me: jeffrey. jerome usually does the treatment for me. 

service staff: errr, jerome is not in today y'know? he works only on wednesday and thursdays.

me: no problem, it's ok. 

service staff: he not in leh, you sure you ok? you sure you still want slots?

me: ya, what slots do you have? 

service staff: orhh, errr, what slot do you want?

me: ok, erm, how about 1pm?

service staff: oh i'm sorry, our 1pm. 2pm, 3pm slots all fully booked. if you want, we only have 4pm and 5pm.

me: ....

hmmm, first she sounded like as though she's wishing me away, then she asked me for my preferred time slot, only to tell me later that she only had 4 and 5pm left. why didn't she just tell me she only has 4pm and 5pm slots from the start? would have closed the conversation way ahead right?

lol!

ex's & why's

was surfing the net and found this rather interesting and clever sentence:

"i made a graph of my past relationships. 
there is an ex-axis and a why-axis..."

heh, it was not difficult to guess which profession the writer was in.

sounds of waves

i was on leave today. took leave in anticipation of the need to pay respects to my dad to commemorate the winter solstice. but well, since we paid our respects yesterday, i ended up with a day to myself. 

i left the house as usual at 7.30am. and decided to simply head to the beach to relax. was supposed to meet an ex-colleague for breakfast at 9am and had some time to kill.  and wow, it was really relaxing - reading my papers as i laid down on the breakwater (artificial barrier to break the waves and to protect the reclaim seafront from erosion), and listening to the waves as they gently hit the breakwater. 

very nice! 

first holiday in 5 years

decided to take a 3-day break to taipei in jan 2015. it will be my first proper holiday since 2009. and i have told mum i will be heading to taiwan to work. hmmm... it's a lie. me bad. but well, i needed it. and i am looking forward to it!

dongzhi 2014

dongzhi (冬至）or the winter solstice falls on 22 dec 2014 (tomorrow). but since it is a monday, we decided to commemorate it today instead. and that kept me busy whole day. helped my sis-in-law do the preparations and the cooking before heading to the columbarium to pay respects to my late-dad. so... 

yeah, made the tangyuan (汤圆) as well nonya chap chye. simple fare, but one helluva lot of work!

i am so tired now...

:-)

eerie feel

i met up with bee last night and we decided to head out for a drink.

i didn't want to watch any more shows, considering we had watched 2 shows during the week. we decided to head out to siglap area for a drink instead. i parked my car at the siglap centre basement and decided to head to the toilet before making our way for our drinks.

i opened the toilet door, took a step inside and i felt a chill. things didn't feel right. i immediately walked out of the toilet. it had been a very long time since i felt this way. and frankly, i didn't know how to describe the feeling other than perhaps 阴气很重... (yin energy was overwhelming).

yikes!

neighbours

i have always liked this photo. 

it was taken sometime in the late '70s and it shows me carrying my neighbour's baby. and the thing was - my neighbour was that of a malay family. and in those days, we had this open door policy where neighbours and their kids can come into each other's house without worrying too much about whether they'll feel less than welcome. in fact, back in those days, the kampong spirit was strong. people of different races co-existed peacefully. and we respect each other's space and culture. 

:-)

our solar system is a vortex

now, this is a very interesting clip showing how the solar system is a vortex instead of the commonly seen 2-d model where all planets simply rotates around the sun. it argues that the sun is in fact moving at 70,000 kmphr and thus all the planets' movements are, in actual fact, similar to that of a vortex. interesting right? 

then again, to put in perspective, there are movements and there are movements. and i say this because, apart from the sun that is moving, we also need to recognize that the milky way itself is moving... so things are actually not so straight forward. but if we were to see it in perspective and to reflect the whole movement in relation to the size of the universe... then the speed of the movement becomes quite slow. 

ok, think i am going no where... but yeah, the beauty of space.

:-)

daytime pick-ups

i was bored yesterday as i took leave but didn't know what to do in the end. and after i slept half the day, i decided to head out of the house. i had no specific place to go nor specific plans too. i ended up driving aimlessly towards the direction of the pool i frequent - katong pool. then again, as it was drizzling quite badly, it made no sense for me to head there. in the end, i ended up sitting in my car at the infamous fort road car park and watching the goings as i read my papers.

the fort road areas had changed quite dramatically after the recent opening of a new road that leads into the reclaimed land. and as a result, the circle (roundabout) has been removed. added to that, the road had been elevated by at least 2m (using my height as a gauge). so the whole place felt higher. i supposed this was a direct result of the government's recent updating of land reclamation protocol given rising sea levels - that all land fill/ reclamation works must bring the level up to 2.5m above sea levels instead of 1.5m (that was the old protocol). ok, i have digressed.

i was at the car park reading my papers as it drizzled. it was quiet when i arrived at 1-ish. but within less than half an hour, a few cars started to enter the car park. there were no less than 4-5 cars. it was kinda interesting, considering it was a weekday. soon enough, cars began to pair up and parked beside one another. and next thing i knew, one person from one car hopped over to the other. heh heh... it was not difficult to guess what went on inside the car. anyway, in less than 10min, the guy emerged and went back to his car and then both cars left. such a scene repeated as i sat there, just observing.

and one particular car struck me. a car that carried the numbers sfv###4. the driver of this car hopped onto another car, had his time in it and returned to his car. and then he drove his car around the car park again before repeating this ritual with another car... not too sure, but i suspected the driver had a couple of fun in the span of an hour of two. and i said so cos i went for my lunch and came back and he was still at it. what a harvest huh? haha... 

it was an eye opener for me no doubt. surprised that such a thing still happened in the car park, and in broad daylight despite all the constructions that had happened.

:-)

monsoon season

this is the third day of my leave and i will be alone today as bee has to work.

and i really look forward to use this day to bask in the sun. and when i woke up, it turned out the whole day would be drizzling and cloudy. wtf right? haha... last two days were hot like crazy and i thought i would be so too today. sighs! doh!

but yeah, ended up heading home to take a nap after mum went off to the rehab centre.

let me think of what to do before i waste my whole day.

:-)

something missing

it was kinda weird. 

for the first time after so many years, i have a birthday where none of my closer friends wished me happy birthday. well, it is not that i had expected them to do so. but it had been something that has become a norm of sorts. but yesterday, no one did... for that matter, even james also did not do so.

hmmm...

hobbit: battle of the five armies

i am not sure why, but i realised i'd fall asleep when i watch afternoon shows! it happened yesterday and it happened again today! you see, bee and i went to watch the hobbit this afternoon and... i sleep during the initial half hour, after the dragon died. haha. am on my second day of leave and had sometime to myself after sending mum to the hospital for her speech therapy. now back to the show.

i had rather high expectations of the show, considering all the hype and the many trailers that was shown. but with high expectations, come disappointment. i mean, it was an ok show, but i had expected a lot more in terms of the storyline. but instead, there was just scenes after scenes of almost senseless fighting and killing. then again, what more can one expect when there were 5 armies fighting right? haha...

nonetheless, i had a relaxing day (although i cannot say the same physically).

:-)

48

well, i turned 48 today.

then again, i have been telling people i am 48 since the start of the year. so, i don't really feel anything. but it was very heartwarming to get almost non-stop stream of messages and well-wishes from many friends as well as my staff from my previous employments, some as long ago as 14 years back. so nice of them right?

bee took leave to spend time with me and we headed off for breakfast and a show. and in the evening, brought my mum to my brother's place as my niece and nephew (well, i supposed it was just my niece) who wanted to celebrate my birthday for me. and she pestered my brother and sis-in-law to get a cake. my sis-in-law said she (my niece) took a long time to select the picture and finally chose one that showed mickey and goofy. accordingly, mickey represented me and goofy represented sapphie. so sweet right? and of cos, she sang the birthday song, blow the candle and also almost went ahead with cutting the cake if my sis-in-law had not stopped her. 

:-)

doraemon stand by me

such a beautiful show. very heartwarming. enjoyed it.

well, i am on leave starting today and will only return to work next week. so, decided to catch a movie with bee this afternoon. ended up booking tickets for this movie at the gv grand. and as it was a weekday, there was only 4 persons in the theatre. bee and i and another couple. enjoyed the show lots! never a doraemon fan per se and never ever really followed the show. but today i got to know this character totally. and although i dozed off for a while at the start of the movie (yup, i was so bloody tired), i ended up feeling happy, sad, excited, anxious, etc during the movie. 

great show!

:-)

feeling unfulfilled 2

something that also came to my mind today that i thought i'd capture it here too.

total sense of feeling unfulfilled is when you were stopped or distracted just when you are at the threshold of a big time hearty earth-shattering orgasm...

agree?

feeling unfulfilled 1

something that came to my mind today and i thought i'd capture it here.

total sense of feeling unfulfilled is when you were stopped or distracted just when you are at the threshold of a big time hearty earth-shattering sneeze...

agree?

mrt pai liao!

i took the mrt (mass rapid transit) home after my program this afternoon.

and at one of the stations, the train didn't move off and the door kept opening and closing. initially, everyone thought it was just a case of someone getting caught and the door opened automatically, but after some 6 times of opening and closing, people began to get a little uneasy and disturbed. now, beside me sat 2 aunties. and one of them was obviously very anxious and kept saying (in hokkien):

"waaa, siào liào. mrt khāy pài liào... yī êhh mńg khūi khûm khūi khûm bóh théng..." (to the effect - wtf, the mrt doors kept opening and closing non-stop). 

and she kept looking and sighing as the doors kept opening and closing at least two more times before she started to considering if she should alight for she went... 

"khāy mài giá, bèh lòh chiā liào! ài yâh siào liào siào liào". (almost literally, "if the train still do not move, we'll have to alight! wtf wtf!)

i thought it was rather funny. nonetheless, i held my composure. but opposite me sat a young ah lian (almost a derogatory term for a hokkien uncouth-acting or uneducated girl) with her ah beng (the male version of ah lian) lau peh (father) and she couldn't control herself and kept giggling non-stop. heh heh... a rather funny scene. and to make it even more contrasting, on my side was a malay teenager, and a bangladeshi worker and they couldn't understand wth was happening and simply continued focusing on their smartphones. 

heh... 

one of those enjoyable and laughable moments while taking public transport. 

ps: the door opened and closed 2 more times and the train finally moved. and auntie exclaimed "waaa khià liào khià liào!!!" (wow! the train has moved off!)

my namesake

i got this pic in my facebook mailbox. it was send to me by a friend. he thought this guy looked like me. and i was like "wow! indeed!". frankly, i have never met anyone that looked like me before. previously, people have mentioned about how my looks resemble some hong kong actors (at least 2-3 different entertainment-industry personalities including louis koo, raymond lam, bruce lee - i was like "omg" right? lol!) or for that matter a taiwanese singer (emil chau). i disagreed most of the time or at best acknowledged perhaps the expressions or the eye or some specific parts of the face bore some slight, very slight resemblance. but this time round, it was different. when i took a look, i actually agreed without thinking twice. his facial features and expression are rather similar to mine. and for a while, it felt like i was looking at myself. of cos, when i expanded the face and took a closer look, i started to disagree somewhat. but that was besides the point. heh heh...

and this reminded me of another thing. my staff, a lady in her late 20s, asked me if i had googled my name before. she related how her curiosity led her to google her own name and was surprised how many guys had similar names to her. anyway, to her question as to whether i had googled my own name before, i said yes. and i didn't want to elaborate further other than asked her to google for herself and see the results. she did and we had a very good laugh over it. there were quite a few raunchy gay pics! but of cos they were not of me la. apparently, there is a gay nude model (based in the states) by my same name. and what greeted her were pictures males in varying state of undress. there were also muscles, bears, etc. 

:-)

being happy

i need to write this. i need to remind myself that being happy is as much an end state as it is a conscious journey. i need to continuously remind myself about it. and above all, 

i will make the efforts to do it.

:-)

time off from work

i am on a course today and tomorrow. and after the course, i am leave till 22 dec. and then on 23 dec, i will be going through my scope for my stomach. needed to ascertain and confirm if i have any nasty growth in my stomach that could be causing my reflux. what this means is that i will only be heading back to work on 24 dec - an almost 10 days off from work. 

this time away from office would hopefully give me the break i needed away from my colleagues.

:-)

my second course

am currently attending a human resource program at a local training centre. and it's a very straight forward and easy program as it deals with things i do on a daily basis. and for that matter, it's the second program i am doing this month. and i understand that if i were to complete the full 4 programs under this category, i can qualify for a professional certification. sounds like a good idea ya? i think i should give myself this little chance/ opportunity to be fair to myself. 

and i say this becos i found myself neglecting this part of my professional development for the longest time ever. actually, apart from my belief that many stuff taught were nothing more than going through what i already know, i also felt i needed to save money for my company (current and previous). and in doing so, i end up walking in and out of my employments not getting the necessary endorsements (in terms of professional qualification/ certifications) in what i am capable of. and often, i ended up envying people for having so many qualifications in their résumé. heh...

and after attending 2 programs, i realised that i was not too far wrong in assuming that i know the stuff being taught. most importantly, it allowed an certain sense of benchmarking and affirmation that what i have been doing were not too different from what other industry "experts" and practitioners do. and the realisation that i am not inferior to them is very powerful. it also struck me how i have been over-demanding on myself. from that angle, it helped boosted my self-confidence. and all things being equal, such courses allow me to network with light-minded people and widen my circle of professional connections in my area of work.

:-)

he's 2!

ahhh, i forgot to write about this, last friday was my nephew's 2nd birthday! time really flies. it was not too long ago that his mum checked into the hospital to give birth to him and now he is 2 years old! and he is now one helluva challenge to handle. full of energy, full of mischief and of cos, very adorable and very loveable. 

heh... 

hunger strike

well, mum is on hunger strike. or rather, she refuses food that i offer to her. and so, she is refusing dinner, and for that matter, refusing any food when i am around. also, she does not want to head out shopping when i asked.

in short, she is just refusing anything that i give to her. initially, i was quite pissed off, but thinking about it again, i was quietly tickled by her behaviour. very childish and very targeted (at me). i just let her be and eat as per normal. let her dwell in her unhappiness and let her pout for all she wants. when she gets tired of it, she'll start to eat again.

and until then, she just asks for water.

:-)

ps: it is not a bad thing altogether cos she is grossly overweight and i have had such a hard time convincing her to eat less so as to manage her weight.

she's awake

she's emo the whole of today. and i placed a sleeping pill into her handful of tablets she takes late evening. that was barely 2 hours ago and now, she's awake. hmmm... as far as i am concerned, i will just lock myself in my bedroom and sleep.

:-)

emo mum

as i said, i was in a bad mood. but mum made the day worst. and i am using this post to vent.

my domestic helper was on off today after her break. she needed to pass some of her stuff to her relatives in singapore. and so i had to look after mum. everything went well in the morning. but after breakfast at about 9.15 am, mum got a call from my sis-in-law. she asked mum to head to her house earlier (our usual visit time was about 3-4pm) as my brother wanted to head out to the temple. an innocent request but a request that turned mum into a kancheong spider (local lingo for flustered anxious person).

we came home at about 9.30 am and from then, mum went non-stop about wanting to head to the place early. and despite understanding that our early would be about 1-2pm (or after lunch), she kept on nagging about needing to go early. and she'd repeat almost every 5 min about why i have not change up, why i was still watching tv, why i was dilly-dallying, etc. i was initially patient with her and explained nicely that we'll leave house at 1pm, but by about 10-ish, i lost my cool. i simply told her to leave me alone to have my rest. i told her not to rush me and that we have lots of time. i added that it was a sunday and it was my rest day. i asked why she always got so flustered when my brother asked her go earlier and not consider the fact that i needed rest.

she retorted - why do you need to rest. you work in the office and weekends, you are so free, why would you need to rest further? and since you are not willing to take me there early, i will go myself! hmmm, very combative. i was unhappy about her reaction. but i went along and rushed through to bring her there. and guessed what, she refused to talk to me through the day, went on mini-hunger strike, pulled a long face, etc.

much as i ignored her, it was not easy not to be affected by her mood-swings.

damned!

bad mood

i was in such bad mood today... everything seemed wrong.

duh!

big hero 6

a nice heartwarming show. the thing i like about the show (and i dare say many cartoon movies these days) is that they also touched on rather ethical stuff. just like how the boy was so consumed with the desire to revenge his brother's death that he almost ended up killing the professor. but no, he did not in the end and he eventually realised his mistake. the dilemma and emotional struggle he went through was very well presented. these are issues that are very adult in nature and not something one would see in cartoons of the old days.

so, yeah, i enjoyed the show. simple story line but very deep in the lessons that can be learned.

:-)

swimming pool encounter

i experienced a really sexy encounter at the pool (above) earlier today. i had collected mum's medications from the mental health institute and decided to drop by the pool for a tan. when i arrived, there was this nerdy-looking guy. i have never seen him before. he was tanning and seemed extra conscious of people arriving. he kept looking at my direction, probably wondering if i would take offence with what he was wearing. he was wearing a g-string. he was lying in a prone position and from the back, the g-string was so tiny it would probably be easier to simply call it a string.

the sun was good and i made myself comfortable on a sun-deck next to him, the only space left. i sat on my deck as i read my papers. i thought he started to feel a little more confident after a while when i didn't make any fuss and he turned around. and i was... whoooohhh... he was wearing a translucent purple pouch that really left nothing to imagination! and in the pouch, he wore a orange coloured leather cock-ring - the type that looked like a bracelet and has several metallic studs to allow one to adjust the tightness.

ok, shan't write further. not too nice to go into details and make things too explicit. 

heh heh... 

10-day break?

well, technically i had had a 10-day mental break from my mum. but in reality it was not so. 

she went over last wednesday. and i spend the full sat and sunday with her. and on tuesday, my brother called, very unhappy for that fact that her oxygen concentrator had malfunctioned and beeped through the night, thereby disturbing his sleep. and so i had to make my way to his place in the morning. bring the machine to the workshop to get it repaired. headed to work and then send it back to my mum after work. and today, mum is back.

so technically, although mum stayed with my brother for 10 days, i was there almost every 2-3 days. and during the times when i was not there, mum would call me almost 10-20 times a day, sometimes to check on me, who i was with, where was i, and what was i doing.

so... but yes, i did have a break. and during the times when i had the time to myself, i had to constantly lie to her that i was at home when i was out. 

depression is back

i think my depression has gotten back. i have been feeling uneasy, sad and anxious although outwardly, i seemed pretty cool about things and easy-going. and i think i am like that because of:

• i was unhappy that bee did not even made the effort to have dinner with me over the pass 10-days. i had expected him to spend more time with me during my break but he could not due to his work. he only initiated a dinner after i expressed my displeasure and we ended up having a rather short dinner last night, the night before mum returns.
• i was rather anxious about my staff leaving. she finally left 2 days ago. my new staff joins me end of the month. 
• i felt a little unsettled without a boss. my ex-boss left 2 weeks ago. well, technically this was a good thing cos he was useless and there was no leadership from him. yet, strangely, when he left, there was a weird sense of being unsettled cos with no one around, there was no one to take responsibility if things get screwed up.
• i felt angry with my colleague who seemed extra unco-operative these days. 
• i felt uncertain about my new boss, who will join us within the next couple of weeks. the uncertainty of what this new boss will be like is rather unsettling.
• the anticipation of the end of my "holiday". my domestic helper is coming home and that means, mum is coming home. this only meant the end of my mental break.

all these add up to big time stress for me i guess. and being someone who hardly verbalise my thoughts, i end up keeping them inside and feeling all pent up. and when that happens, i start worrying, and think too much for my own good, and then i get depressed...

hmmm... 

end of "holiday"

my domestic helper has returned. the 10-day break simply passed so bloody fast. and now, mum is back at home. that also meant my "mental-break" from my mum is over...

but well, it was a rather good break i must say.

:-)