I am Hulk

I am Hulk. Well, not exactly. I will not become green, bulky and gigantic when agitated; but I am currently radioactive! (although I don’t mind certain parts of my body to grow exponentially larger when emotionally charged)! Haha!

You see, I had several heart-related issues over the last quarter and the doctor ordered a myocardial perfusion imaging (MPI) scan for me. The procedure, that will be done in 2 parts, requires the injection of a small amount of radioactive chemical into my blood stream. This is to allow the blood vessels around the heart to show up with the scan is done. I had just completed the first scan today, and the second will be done on this Thursday morning. And to be cautious, I am not to interact with pregnant women and/ or children within 24-hours after the scan. 

So yes, I am radioactive! And stay away from me, at least until Friday! You wouldn’t want to experience me when I grow large (ya, right)! Lol!

Ps: but on serious note, I wonder if a person who has just gone through the scan is able to engage in sex after the procedure. And if he does, what is the risk to his sex partner, considering there will likely be exchanges of bodily fluids! Just asking :-) 

My friends, his friends

I used to be very close to my ex-colleagues and their partners - we even called ourselves “family.” My ex-colleagues affectionately referred to me as “Baba,” and we spent almost every weekend together. We played mahjong, travelled, celebrated birthdays, and marked all the major festivities as a group. When my ex became part of my life, he naturally became an integral part of this “family.” We had a shared WhatsApp group that included all of us and our partners. Over time, due to their similar ages, my ex grew close enough to form a separate WhatsApp group with my ex-colleagues. 

When we broke up, I texted the group and asked them to support him since he was alone in the country. To give myself the space to grieve, I excused myself from the chat. Now, I am essentially no longer part of the group. My friends and their partners have largely distanced themselves and only reach out when they need something, like dog-sitting. From what I see on their Instagram stories, it’s clear they (and my ex) hang out regularly. In effect, I’ve lost my closest friends to him - a bitter pill to swallow. 

I feel hurt and betrayed, especially during moments of loneliness when I crave companionship. Perhaps the age gap between me and my ex-colleagues played a role after all. But I remind myself that this is an opportunity to explore what it truly means to be me. It’s a chance to rediscover myself and build new connections. It won’t be easy - it’s exhausting as an introvert - but it’s something I must do. Maybe 2025 can be my year to focus on rediscovering and re-establishing myself, both personally and professionally. 

P.S. Finding company for dinner every day isn’t easy, and it’s probably something many people take for granted.

Countdown 2025

Thirty more days and it'll be the new year! 

Time to consolidate my thoughts and prepare for my end-of-the-year reflections. I think it will be rather straightforward this time round as I have done that recently in September. I will just need to update it to cover what happened over the last quarter.  And of course, I have already decided to christen 2024 as a year of Reinvention! In perspective, this was something I had set off to do and I had focused much of my energies around it! I will, nonetheless, need to reflect on how well I have achieved it, the lessons learnt and what more to do ahead! 

:-)

Urologist review

I visited the urologist for a review of my kidney stone situation. The review showed that the 2 stones lodged in the right kidney had remained somewhat unchanged. It also did not show any signs of kidney stones in the left kidney (which was good). With this, the urologist decided that the next review can be done in 2 years' time.

So, it's all good. For now...

:-)

My income sources & goals for 2024

The thing about coaching is that one gets to learn about lots of things from their clients. For me, one very important thing I learned is about income sources. Specifically, about the need to frame and diversify our income sources in three categories:

• A predictable income source: This is the most crucial of the three, as predictability ensures stability. Predictable income covers essential needs like bills and living expenses. Examples include a salaried job or consistent passive income, such as renting out a spare room.

• An unpredictable but flexible income source: This type of income acts as a safety net during challenging periods, such as job loss. With effort, it can even evolve into a primary income source if it grows significantly. Examples include side gigs, freelance work, or dividends from investments.

• An opportunistic income source: These activities help fill free time and may occasionally generate income, though not consistently or significantly enough to rely on. An example could be selling potted plants grown as part of a gardening hobby.  

This framework resonates deeply with me, as it shifts the focus from jobs to income sources, offering a broader and more flexible outlook. Reflecting on my current activities, I’ve mapped them to these categories:

• Training & renting out of my spare room: Training engagements, though somewhat unpredictable, is totally within my direct control and thus I framed it as a predictable income source. I just need to give the companies time for the administration and onboarding etc to be completed. Similarly, room rental is contractual and thus predictable.

• Coaching: This aligns with the second category. While coaching opportunities depend heavily on client initiation, referrals, and word of mouth - factors outside my direct control - investing in building a client base can increase its predictability over time.

• Other activities: Dog sitting align with the third category as they are adhoc and not related to income streams per se.  

This clarity has helped me manage earlier frustrations and focus on what I can control. My immediate priorities should be:

• Preparing for my coaching exams: Passing the credentialing exams is essential to affirming my credibility and contributing to expanding my coaching opportunities.

• Honing my training delivery skills: This includes mastering face-to-face and virtual formats, staying updated on emerging learning technologies, and adopting tools like generative AI to remain competitive.  

I’ve embarked on a journey to reinvent myself this year, and I’m still on track. Next year, my priority will shift to generating sustainable income while giving myself the time and space to achieve this. Push on!

Getting back on track

My schedule is finally filling up from January onwards, which is a relief.

For context, I’ve been feeling quite stressed lately. My coaching work slowed down significantly last month, and now I’m only coaching one or two clients a week, compared to two or three a day before. The training side has had its own challenges; onboarding was slow with one company, and with the other, I was only allotted one training session out of the five or six I bid for in January. This shortfall means I won’t generate the income I’d hoped for in the new year. On top of that, I had to complete several train-the-trainer sessions and observations before I became eligible to bid for additional course slots.

With all this extra time, I started feeling lonely and wrestling with self-doubt, particularly with the worry of not earning enough next year. My tendency to overthink only added to the stress, leading to many sleepless nights. Thankfully, things began to turn around a couple of weeks ago. Although my coaching frequency hasn’t picked up, I now have a confirmed exam date, giving me a concrete goal to work toward. Plus, my training onboarding is picking up, and my schedule is set, with several courses lined up each month starting in January.

At last, things are moving in the right direction, and I’m hopeful they’ll stabilize soon so I can fully get back on track.

9th Anniversary

Today marks the 9th anniversary of my mum's demise. Had made the trip to the columbarium to pay my respects to her last weekend in order to avoid bumping into my brother.

Time flies indeed.

Finally... dog going home

The dog owner will be picking up the dog in an hour. Whew… it’s been three weeks and two dogs! What an interesting few weeks. The two dogs couldn’t be more different in temperament. The first was edgy and reactive, while the second has been gentle and calm. I'm grateful the second dog got along well with my tenant.

During the last week, I noticed how “clingy” the second dog is - his owner calls him “velcro” - because he follows the people in the house constantly. When I’m home, he sticks to me everywhere I go; when I’m out, he attaches himself to my tenant. I also discovered he cries when left alone. I found out one day when I came home to hear him howling, only stopping once I opened the door. The next day, my neighbour even mentioned it to me! These behaviours show he’s very insecure, and knowing he cries when left alone made me feel like I had to rush back every time I left the house.

Soon, this gentle giant will be on his way, and I'll finally be able to move around without worrying about a dog at home. But first, I need to clean up - mopping floors, clearing fur, and scrubbing drool stains - to get the place back in order before heading off to KL early tomorrow morning.

:)

KL trip

I will be heading to KL this coming weekend. It will be a 4-day trip. I needed an overseas trip to recharge and refresh. I have only 4 days and had considered locations such as Taiwan, HK, China, etc. After considering factors such as cost, fuss, comfort-level, etc, I concluded that KL would be the best option.

I have not planned annything and am letting things be spontaneous. I have visited KL so often I am not longer excited about the usual touristy stuff. In fact, I might just end up staying in my room or doing some simple shopping. 

Let's see how things go.

Dog-sitting

I've been dog-sitting for the past three weeks, starting with a female Singapore special (mongrel) owned by a couple who went on their annual vacation in Europe. This dog has stayed with me before, so she’s familiar with my place. However, this time was a bit different since I now have a tenant. Initially, things were fine - she even got comfortable enough to sleep under his bed (in his room) and he allowed her to do so without any complains.

Now, this Singapore special is a highly edgy dog, and she can become aggressive when she feels uneasy or threatened. It took months for her to warm up to me, and even now, she occasionally reacts by biting my hands, likely when she's startled. When this happens, I would scold her. And I always stay cautious around her. Like most dogs, she's tempted by food smells, and she often heads to the kitchen when my tenant cooks, which can be annoying. And to avoid any untoward incidents, I had to tell the tenant not to feed her, iterating that she has specific diet requirements as instructed by her owners.

One evening while I was out, my tenant called, sounding upset. Apparently, the dog bit him while he was washing up in the bathroom, which left him shaken. He showed me the bite marks, claimed they were quite painful, and wanted to see a doctor. I reassured him that her shots were up to date, so there was no rabies risk. Though I didn’t see obvious bite marks, I had to play along to appease him. Tbh, I don’t believe dogs would turn aggressive towards any individual suddenly and have my own suspicions over how he had treated her when I was not around. But I didn't press further. 

Following this incident, my tenant became extra wary of her. He would walk around the house with extra caution, making sure she was not around before he move around. I must admit his behaviour was quite upsetting for me. As for the dog, she would try to sniff and often a time, barks at him when she sees him. To prevent any further unfortunate incident, I kept her in my room whenever my tenant was at home. She returned to her owners two days ago, and things have since settled down.

Now, I’m looking after another friend’s dog - a gentle, large labradoodle whose owner is away for a week in China. Since my friend knew I’m comfortable with dogs, she asked if I could dog-sit. This dog is much calmer and friendly with people, but I am still a bit nervous about how he’d interact with my tenant. Thus far, my tenant felt comfortable enough to pet him. And just like the first dog, he’s started visiting the tenant’s room when I’m out. I didn’t say much but ensured the dog keeps a distance whenever I’m at home.

Here’s hoping things stay smooth and there’s no repeat of the last incident! Fingers crossed.

Interesting times ahead

5 Nov came and went. Since then, the world felt a little different.

There was a time when values and character would make or break a person's public life. Not anymore. But let's just leave it as that. My thoughts and opinions are not going to change anything. The sad part is that the world will likely end up in a worst state as a result.

Interesting times ahead...

60 days

60 more days to 2025. Time moves faster when one gets older. Agree?

Unmotivated

I am not sure if this is depression but I am totally not in the mood to do anything, no mood to socialise, no mood to do anything that, objectively, I know I must do to, say, generate income. Just feel totally unmotivated to want to take any steps forward. There's always this voice in my head that tells me to not rush and just relax... that I should just take my time... procrastination? I just don't know how to describe. I mean, I am not feeling unhappy per se. There's a sense of aimlessness or lack of purpose. Things just don't have any meaning to me. But I am not suicidal. So… perhaps I’m not depressed after all.

I am just so so unmotivated.

Exams in Dec

After navigating one delay after another, I have finally managed to book the date for the coaching credentialing examinations. It will be on 4 Dec. Planned to study from mid-Nov and hopefully, I will be able to pass the exams without too much difficulties.

Wish me luck!

Trip to Taiwan

I’ve just returned from a memorable 7-day trip to Taiwan, exploring its northern parts with visits to Tamsui, Yilan, and Taipei City. Each stop offered its own unique experiences and charm. 

• Tamsui surprised me with more than just the old street night market - it’s packed with temples, tourist spots like Fisherman’s Wharf, and Shalun Beach, a gay nudist beach. It’s been years since I visited one, so I couldn’t resist. The public transport here is reliable, but I found Google Maps’ timings off; heading directly to bus stops worked better. 

• From Tamsui, I took a ferry across the river to Bali - not the Indonesian one, but a quiet town whose name stems from “Eighth Mile” in hanyupinyin. Bali offers a peaceful beachfront for cycling, with quirky photo spots like heart-shaped installations meant for wedding shoots.  

• Along the coastal route toward Yilan, places like Shimendong and Tiaoshi stood out. Shimendong features a natural stone arch, and Tiaoshi is known for its quirky bus stop. Both are highly Instagrammable, but the real beauty was in the picturesque coastal road itself. 

• En route to Yilan, I stopped at Yehliu Geological Park to see its famed rock formations, particularly the Queen’s Head. The park is small and the crowds of overexcited tourists dampened the experience. I skipped the queue for a photo with the Queen’s Head and got a shot from a less crowded angle. 

• Yilan is a slower-paced county known for its spas, especially in Jaioxi. I took a relaxing dip in the foot baths and hiked to Wufengqi waterfall - a challenging climb, but worth it. Before leaving Yilan, I toured the Kavalan Whisky Distillery, a must for whisky lovers. 

• One unexpected experience during my stay in Yilan was my first earthquake. As I was watching Netflix, the bed started shaking for about 10 seconds. Initially, I thought the room might be haunted, but a friend’s text confirmed it was an earthquake, registering 4.7 on the Richter scale. Strangely enough, I had nightmares during both nights in Yilan - struggling with some dark figures in my dreams. While unsettling, I was glad it didn’t last beyond those two nights. 

• In Taipei City, I avoided the usual tourist spots and instead strolled through the city, soaking in the urban energy. My evening walk led me to 228 Peace Park, where I unexpectedly encountered the local cruising scene - a surprise after experiencing something similar back in Singapore. 

• One of the highlights of Taipei was hiking Elephant Mountain in the evening. The view of the city skyline, with Taipei 101 lit up, was spectacular. I also enjoyed a tranquil ride on the Maokong Gondola, where I visited tea plantations and savored a pot of chamomile tea with local green bean biscuits. 

• And of course, no trip to Taiwan is complete without visiting the night markets. I explored several, from Tamsui Old Street to Yilan’s Dongmen and Luodong markets, as well as Taipei’s Raohe market. Each had its own vibe and unique food offerings, giving me a taste of Taiwan’s famous street food culture.

Overall, 7 days felt just right for this trip, though I somehow ended up bringing home more TWD than I left. Looks like I have to plan for another trip to Taiwan soon!

9.9 - A special day

According to traditional Hokkien beliefs, herbs are at their most potent on the 9th day of the 9th month in the lunar calendar, a day celebrated as the Chongyang Festival. 

This day also coincides with the birthday of the Nine Heavenly Emperors, which was once a major event for many Taoists. As a child in the 1970s, my mother would take me to the temple, where worshippers, all dressed in white, would wear yellow wristbands to ward off evil and follow a vegetarian diet. Menstruating women were considered 'unclean' and were not allowed in the temple. In the evening, the temples would carry the deities in vibrant parades along major roads, with crowds lining the streets to join in the celebrations.

At home, the day always started with a large pot of herbal chicken soup. Everyone in the family was required to drink at least one bowl. This soup wasn’t just for warding off diseases—it helped to strengthen the body as the weather turned cooler with the approach of winter. On this day, the herbal soup was made to be more 'yang,' or heaty, to boost immunity and protect the body from colds and flu.

These memories of Chongyang Festival remind me of how traditions intertwine with both culture and health. Even now, taking herbal soup on this day feels like a way to connect with both my heritage and my well-being. 

Time for a bowl of soup!

Letting go

I opened my safe today and found a long forgotten envelope. It looked old, worn, and I cannot recall its content until I opened it. There was a notepad, a stack of photos, cards, and even negatives (films). 

These were items from my early relationships to which I held dear. There were a few cards written to me by James. They captured his thoughts, how contented he felt when I held him in my arms, etc. James was probably his best when he put things in writing. And there were also two by Su How. He was not as expressive as James and his cards were just that - cards with a simple sign off. The cards and the content were reflective of the persons behind them - one reflective, articulate and well-read, while the other, simple and unassuming. 

The photos, negatives and the notebook were from the days when Amos and I dated. Those were the early days before I "settled down". Emotions were highly intense and interactions very physical. The notebook captured very detailed accounts of how we met, our dates, our intimate moments, etc. Those were the days before blogging and I wanted to capture our special moments. People would probably think it was written by porn author if they did not know the context. Heh…

I tore up the items and threw them all away. No one will need these items when I eventually go. Leave these as part of my memory. That is enough. And if they should fade, so be it.

Time to let go. 

Interesting

I follow the presidential race rather closely and one thing that continue to baffle me is this - with two very contrasting candidates, why is it that the polls continue to show such close numbers?  what does it tell about the quality of the voters? and that is assuming the polling sample size, methods, etc is as robust as it should be.

New people coming/ going

This recent 5 months of "singlehood" has been rather interesting. I have blogged before about characters whom I had interacted with that came and went. I have accepted that these fleeting interactions, with or without meeting up, is the norm. And of cos, there are also characters that became friends over time. Without going into too much details, let me just mention about some of them here:

• I have known this person for many years. He is a year older than me. We had not really chatted nor meet up with him over the last 7 - 8 years after I got attached. But recently, we reconnected and met up a couple of times. Our interactions were very warm and of late, he started opening up more and sharing about himself/ his life - such as telling me his real name, about his family, etc. I didn't probe why he did so but it certainly felt good to be able to connect at a more personal level and have someone showing interest in my life. 

• A person I got to know in KL. We became friends and he invited me to put up at his place if I were to visit KL, and he invited me to follow him to his workplace to see how they run the business. But I fell sick during that particular visit and had to be looked after by his "godson" while he went to work. His "godson" is half his age and often threw tantrums. And for some reasons, I became a subject of his tantrums. It happened before my planned third visit and he said he didn't want to have me stay over.  I have decided not to visit them anymore and thought it is perhaps better to leave this friend alone. Whatever happens between him and his "godson" is for him to manage and I certainly do not want to be involved in their relationship.

• A few others I got to know via Grindr has been quite insistent on meeting up but I have not agreed. Have somewhat chatted with them on and off but well, Grindr conversations tend to have common structure and flow... often it starts with some pleasantries ("hey? how are you doing?", "intro", "wassup"), and in no time, about sex ("so what do you like to do?", "are you top of bottom?"), and asking for explicit pictures, and then to meet up for "fun". It gets kinda tiring to have to constantly hold such conversations. So these days, I reply superbly selectively and would simply delete most of the messages that come in.

• And then there are my coaching course mates and coaching clients that feature significantly in my life this year. These include friends, ex-colleagues, peer coaches, referrals, etc and I met up with them regularly over the course of their monthly coaching engagements. These engagements kept me connected to the larger world. I had wanted to come into the training and coaching space cos I want to make sure that when I reach retirement age, I can continue to be socially engaged. And I believe I am starting to have a sense of what retirement life would look like now.

It's been an interesting journey so far and I believe I will experience more interesting things as I navigate this new phase of my life.

Blogging more

I am beginning to re-appreciate the value of blogging. 

It allows me to offload my thoughts and to relief my mind of things that would, otherwise, take up a lot of space and energies. As an over thinker (that I am), this definitely helps in managing my own thoughts, emotions and bettering my emotional well-being. Above all,  blogging allows me capture my reflections, and learn from it. 

Thing is, I need to remind myself to do more of it... I need to rekindle the interest and motivation to do so. 

:-)

Mistakes vs Intent

I came across a TikTok post last night and it got me thinking. 

The post was about mistakes & intent - that if we repeat a mistake or something we did wrong, it becomes intentional. The example used was about how a person came to a meeting late, and he apologised for it and his apology was accepted. However, when he came to the meeting late the second time round, his apology was no longer accepted and he was chided for deliberately being late. The rationale - that his repeated mistake now reflects a deliberate intent to be late. Hmmm, I could understand where this was coming from - if his has learned his lesson, he would have made efforts to provide enough buffers for the many "what ifs" to avoid being late. But I think calling it intentional for being late the second time may be a tat too harsh in this example, and too simplistic. He could have made provisions to be early but perhaps never expect his car to breakdown, or get into an accident, or missed the bus, or get caught in the lift, etc. You get the drift, there can be just that many reasons why he appeared late again. And my take is this - repeated mistakes reflects an intentionality only if it happens again, and again, and without valid reasons. I do not think there is a clear distinct point as to when it becomes intentional but I do suspect somewhere in the equation are the elements of "communications" and "trust". 

Agree?

Just another of my weekend musing. Been a while...

2024 thus far

Without realising it, we have less than 4 months before 2025. It is also a good time to consolidate key happenings for this year so I don’t have to think too hard when Dec comes knocking. I had set off to keep healthy and to reinvent myself this year. So let's take a look at how far I have progressed.

Self-care & Health

• Let's start off with mental well-being - on the whole, I thought I’d managed this relatively ok, apart from the set-back as a result of the break-up
• I was able to sustain a decent level of social engagement
• I maintained my desire to head out for oversea breaks at least once a month
• I sustained my minimum 10K steps a day (current average steps clocked per day this year stands at 17.7K)
• Regrettably, there was a couple of unfortunate major sickness esp over the last month resulting in the need to visit the A&E (ED) department twice

Coaching 

• This is possibly my biggest achievement for the year
• I had completed all 3 training modules, thereby fulfilling the required training hours needed 
• Also, have completed 2 out of the 3 mentoring sessions and passed all markers required
• I should complete the last mentoring session in 2 weeks
• Had also completed 128 hours of coaching thus far 
• This is more than the minimum 100 hours required but I continued to coach so I can keep my skills warm and to work towards the next level of accreditation 
• I should be able to sit for the credentialing exams by end-Sep/ early-Oct once I finished my final mentoring session
• I have not decided how I will build on this after my certification, but I do think building a coaching business is a possible option for me
• I can decide on this after I pass the exams

Training

• I managed to successfully sign up as an associate trainer with 2 companies
• So far, I have yet to start conducting any training given the need for preparatory activities 
• I expect the training proper should happen before year-end
• By next year, I would have gotten a good feel of what to expect and I should be able to stabilise this aspect of my life
• More importantly, being able to train will also allow me to re-establish a way where I can generate an income source in a more sustainable manner

Professional 

• I had set up a company earlier this year. The intent behind it was to allow me the options to either make a business out of it, or at least to leverage it for payment purposes in time to come
• I got myself credentialed as a senior certified professional with the Society for HR Management 
• This is a requirement set by one of the training company as a pre-requisite before I can conduct their HR-related programmes

The above were directly related to my health and well-being as well as reinventing myself. I must add that when I said I wanted to reinvent myself, it was in the context of work. But 2024 saw me being "reinvented" in more ways than just work, especially in my personal life. These changes had directly impacted me in all ways, especially in my well-being. But positively, it allowed me to channel my energies into reinventing myself. Here're the details.

Personal life

• Had an unfortunate break up after close to 7 years when he decided to move on to focus on his personal priorities
• Have since been avoiding him in an attempt to give myself the space to heal and to grow
• Notably, some of my closer friends gravitated towards him and I am somewhat left stranded
• It had been 4 months and it was the longest time since coming out where I was single and not attached
• Loneliness can be a real bitch and when it hits, it hits really hard
• But positively, this void forced me to look elsewhere to expand my circle of friends, e.g., via social apps like Grindr, which I met with varying successes
• I also made the efforts to re-establish connections with some older contacts
• It also gave myself the freedom to visit gay haunts and to indulge in things I would normally not do (let's leave it at that)
• Above all, it allowed me to channel some good energies into coaching and this kept me sane during the immediate periods after my break-up

Family

• I managed to maintain close and warm relationship with my paternal side relatives with regular calls and occasional dinner get togethers
• Had maintained a somewhat warm relationship with my eldest sister & her family with an invitation to my nieces' housewarming
• For my second sis, the year started off relatively well but the relationship took a dive especially after she badly handled the sourcing of a tenant for me (I am pretty pissed off with her tbh)
• Will let things be for now and go with the flow

Others

• I had sold off my car, after more than 3 decades of driving
• Managed to get a decent price for it with minimal loss, and that's good
• Objectively speaking, it does not make financial sense to hold on to it now that I am alone and public transport is easily accessible from my place
• I had also managed to get a tenant
• Trying to get used to staying with a stranger as of now and tbh, I myself seemed like a tenant in my own home, at least for now 
• But positively, it does give me a source of passive income

The above is a consolidation of my 2024 thus far. Looking at it, I think I have done quite a bit although it seemed like I am quite free and quite chill this year... LOL. Or is this just my way of self-consolation? But back to my aim of keeping healthy and well, and reinventing myself. Have I achieved it? I think to a large extend, I have kept to it. Some things are beyond my control (e.g. break-up and falling sick), but for the parts about reinventing myself, I think I am moving in the right direction.

Let's not be too harsh on myself. All's good for now, that's my conclusion.

I deserve it...

I have constantly felt torn when it comes to managing my pace of life. On one hand, I am taking things slow and easy - in planning my daily commitments, in pursuing my part time career, etc. Whereas on the other hand, I find myself frequently chiding myself for procrastinating, doing things a tat too slowly, and having no sense of urgency. This struggle with how fast/ slow I am doing things is real and often a times, I questioned myself about whether I am lazy, whether I am a loser, etc... and for that matter, I still get very angsty when things don't go according to the timeline I have planned for myself. Well, you get the drift. To manage this, I have to constantly and consciously remind myself a key reason behind leaving corporate life is to give myself the time and space to slow my life down, don't sweat the small stuff, learn to embrace life as it happens and just enjoy the journey.

Take for example, I wanted to get my coaching credential asap, by July/ August if possible and had placed much energies into the process, coaching up to 2 clients a day (which was superbly draining), and with the thought that I can take the credentialing exams once I complete my first mentoring session. I was deeply disappointed when I was told I must complete all 3 mentoring sessions despite having passed the first session. This would set me back by 2 months before I could register for the exams. It took me a while to remind myself that on the grander scale of things, I am still within my target of getting myself full transitioned to a part-time livelihood by 60 years old (2 more years); and thus, I should just chill and take things in stride.  Other examples include struggling over basic things like waking up early vs waking up later, being more spontaneous vs planning every detail of my time.

It seemed like my body has been so tuned to the lifelong habit of waking up early, rushing from point-to-point, getting things done fast, etc so much so that I am finding it hard to slow myself down - that I don't know how to slow down and smell the roses. Basically, I have not gotten used to having free time on my hand! And I often have to tell myself that this struggle will come to past once I get use to it and made this a new norm for me. Ok, I don't know if what I wrote made sense, but yeah, I just want to capture it somewhere... so till I embrace this new norm, I have to remind must “slow down, slow down... you have rushed your whole life, it is time to give yourself a break, slow things down, laze, procrastinate, etc... you deserve it!”

Senior Citizen

I watched Deadpool & Wolverine at the cinema today. 

With the M18 rating, the film did not feature too big amongst moviegoers. I thought the show was too violent, much much too violent. It's Deadpool after all, one might argue, but I still posit that the whole storyline could still be kept intact without all the gore, blood, and all... it’s hard to make sense of all the wanton slashing, chopping of limps, indiscriminate decapitation, etc. I closed my eyes whenever such scenes played out. But to be fair, there were some pretty good scenes that brought out the complex emotions of the characters, especially towards the end. And I certainly caught all the adult/ LGBTQ-jokes. On the whole, I kinda enjoyed the movie.

But this blog entry wasn’t meant to review the movie. I wrote this blog becos the cinema attendant cut me a senior citizen ticket without even verifying my age! Damn it! Do I really, really, finally, look like a senior citizen? Darned! I was momentarily dumbfounded and it took me a while to pay for my ticket. I didn't even know if I should feel sad or happy... hmmm... I supposed I was amused. And yes, the ticket cost me only $4.50 - a third of what it would usually cost if I were to watch on the eve of/ weekends. And for this price, I supposed all's good! I should watch more movies on weekdays henceforth!

:-)

Tenant moves in

My sis managed to get a tenant for me. He's from China, 32yo and will be attending some courses (possibly post-grad?) in the university nearby. Frankly, I am somewhat divided about having this tenant. Firstly, it means I will have to be more conscious about my living environment/ behaviours/ habits, etc. After all, he is foreign to me and he may not be totally comfortable if he knows I am gay. Most importantly, I have to make sure he is comfortable. Positively, I will now have a source of income. So that certainly removes a small amount of stress insofar as finances are concerned. Also, there will at least be someone in the house in the event of any emergencies.

Let's see how things go. He should be arriving in the next 15min or so...

:-)  

7th lunar month

We have just passed the peak of the annual Hungry Ghost Festival that falls on the seventh lunar month every year. And for some reasons, I’ve noticed a trend. Every year during this month, something terrible will happen to me, such as, accidents, sickness, etc. And for some reasons, immediately after the seventh lunar month passes, all sickness and accidents will cease. 

And this year is no exception. Have been feeling out of sorts and had had super bad diarrhea for the past 4 days and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Went to see the doctor 2 days ago and my stomach cramps improved a bit but the runs returned last night. I had to run to the toilet almost every hour or so. I have been ejecting nothing but gastric juices and it’s very unpleasant. Am totally dehydrated now and had been worried through the night cos of elevated pulse rate. The fear of having a sudden cardiac arrest was real. Anyway, will head to the doctor again later. Let’s see how things go. 

The seventh month ends in a week plus. Even if I’m not superstitious, the many years of lived experience assure me that things should be ok soon. 

Hello from Sydney

Been quite a while since I came Sydney. Much have changed and it’s lovely to be able to catch up with an old friend while here!

:-)

My training track

I wanted to leverage my passion and strength in developing people post-corporate life. And I have written much about my progress in getting a coach certificate. The other track I am pursuing is training.

In order to give me the flexibility to balance my work and my life, I have worked towards getting engaged as an associate trainer in training companies. This whole journey started mid-2023 with me attending a trainer course and getting my trainer certification. Two months ago, I got accepted by a training company to teach their HR modules but they would require me to obtain a particular HR certificate before I can do so. I have started this process. I am also happy to share that yesterday, another company has accepted me as their associate trainer. They will be scheduling me for their trainer onboarding once I sign the contract.

This whole process is super new to me and I am blessed with people who supported me and gave me the right contacts within the training industry. Things are slowly falling into place and I look forward to be able to start training, hopefully within the next 1-2 months!

Wish me luck!

Status of my coaching certification

To recap, I need to complete the following requirements before I can be certified as a coach:    

(1)   Complete 75 hours of training
(2)   Complete 100 hours of coaching (of which 75% needs to be paid, and at least 8 unique clients)

(3)   Complete 10 hours of mentoring by my coach trainer, of these 10 hours, 

• 7 can be done during (1)
• 3 must be done 1-on-1 after (1) is completed, and over a 3-month period 
• For the 3 mentoring sessions, I need to record my coaching session, transcribe the whole conversation before the mentoring is done. To pass this, I need to achieve full marks for at least 1 out of the 3 transcripts. 
• Once I achieve this, I can then...

(4)   Apply and sit for a 4-hour examinations

Thus far, I have completed (1) and (2) by first week August. I wanted to make sure I pass during the first mentoring session. I am happy to share that I managed to achieve this yesterday. It was a step in the right direction. I now have less stress for the remaining 2 recordings and transcript that I need to complete by end-Sep! I can look forward to (4) by early-Oct 24!

:-)

Coaching Progress

I have finally achieved my required training and coaching hours over the last 2 weeks. 2 more hurdles to cross before I can get myself fully certified as a professional coach - passing the coaching recording by my coach trainer and the ICF-administered exams.  If all goes well, I should be able to get my certification within the next 2-3 months.

Looking forward.

Managing emotions

Over the past 4 months, I had coachees who broke down and cried during my coaching session. And all of them (4 in total) were ladies. But last week alone, 2 male coachees broke down on consecutive days. It came as a surprise and admittedly, I wasn’t too mentally prepared for it.

What I realized is that during such moments, it is important to acknowledge the emotions, regardless of gender, and to provide them the space to come to terms with the underlying reasons behind the emotions. It is also equally important, if need be, to call out the safe space they are in at the moment and have tissue paper readily so that they can reach out for it if they need.

About People (2)

Continuing from where I left off in my last post about people from Grindr. This time round, I will talk about people who responded after I posted in Grindr that I wanted to rent out a room. I had many responses that asked about the rental rate, visuals of the apartment and room, tenure, etc. Quite a few left after enquiring these details and I left it as it was. But here're some of the more interesting ones that I experienced:

• For a start, in term of tenant profile, I didn't want Indians, Middle Eastern, Muslims, as well as PRCs. People with such profiles tend to have very different social habits and possibly dietary needs that might not be too comfortable if they were to stay with me and me them. Objectively, I prefer cabin crew tenants as they tend to fly often and would not be home most of the time. But alas, cabin crew doesn't earn much and thus fall out of the range of people that can afford the rental cost. So...

• And talking about people who cannot afford the rental, I had a chap who claimed to be a student. He asked about the rate and said he could only afford to pay me half of what I was asking for. And he then attached a picture of his cock and said - I pay you what I can pay and let you play with me. I was taken aback with such a request and simply replied - please do not do this to yourself. This chap obviously didn't get what I was saying and insisted - I am only a student and don't have money. I will let you play with me and I can serve you. And if I don't tell, you don't tell, no one will know about it. Well, I simply block him from Grindr.

• A Malaysian Chinese enquired about the room and came over the view the place. He fitted the profile I was looking for - 30s, working adult, Malaysian Chinese, and came across as decent enough from the way he communicated. And when he arrived, he started asking about what he can wear, whether it is ok to wear loose boxer shorts etc. At one point, it seemed the conversation would head towards sex talk but thankfully it didn't. For potential tenants, I’d prefer not to have anything sexual involved. In the end, he didn't proceed with the rental as he felt the cost was beyond what he could afford. But after that, he started texting me frequently in Grindr - where are you now, what are you doing now, where did you go to... and on top of that, he started to send me cock pics... (roll eyes)... it felt like he was stalking me!

• Another chap (similar profile to the above) came to view the place. I was pleasantly surprised when I met this guy - super cute, a little bashful and works in the finance industry. And so he came to view the place, walked around... and then we sat down and chatted a bit about the cost, the facilities etc. And he said he wanted to visit the toilet and excused himself. A couple of minutes later, he called out to me. I went to the toilet, he opened the door and he stood there - in a skimpiest see-through underwear and asked - can I wear this if I rent your place. LOL! I simply said - you sure can but you have to be conscious of and be respectful of any neighbours who might possibly be able to look into the room... anyway, he ended up not renting the room as its beyond his budget. 

• One particular chap (an Indian) texted me and asked about the details as per most people. Then he went on to ask suggestive questions like - can I wear this or that when I am in the house, what would you do if you see me edging myself and I forgot to close the door, can I fantasise about you when I jerk off, etc... It was rather weird for such questions to surface and I quickly realised that he was treating the conversation as some sort of a sex talk and has not intentions to rent the room. I decided to leave him be and ignored him. 

• Another Indian guy texted me and asked for a chance to view the room. From the line of questioning, it seemed like he was genuinely interested to rent the room. To be honest, I was a little hesitant to rent it out to Indians as explained above. Nonetheless, after he asked a few times, I agreed to the viewing request. He arrived, walk around the house and he entered the room, took a look and then he walked into my room and started to grab my balls. I was taken aback and told him, no, the visit is to view the room and not an invitation for sex. Anyway, cut the long story short, he left shortly after and texted an apology after that. 

The above were just some of the more interesting characters I had to entertain when it came to renting my room. I had also concurrently asked my sis (who works in the property line) to assist in sourcing for tenants. So, she managed to get a decent overseas student who came to view the place with his family. Well, let's see how things go. Nothing is firmed as yet, but if all go well, he will move in within the next 2-3 months.  

About People (1)

I wanted to write about what happened over the last 2 months but realized it was just not possible to do so. Too many things had happened. As such, I shall focus on my experiences as I tried to expand my circle of friends, more specifically, via Grindr:

• There was a particular guy who kept messaging me and asking me to meet up. He is 44 years old (according to his Grindr profile). He said he is in the healthcare sector. After chatting with him for some time, I decided to meet him as I thought to myself - how bad can a person be if he is in the trade of helping people. Right? We agreed to meet at 8pm at a MacDonalds near my place. On the day of the meet up, I ended up waiting for him for over 1.5 hours. Throughout this time, he constantly texted me and said he was at work and had to rush through some stuff before meeting me. And then I got a call from him. I picked up the call and next thing I knew, he hung up, his went offline in WhatsApp, and his Grindr profile disappeared from app too. I concluded he called me from somewhere nearby and then after positively identifying me, he decided to block me. I did some checks and learned that he is a pastor in a nearby community hospital. I was very pissed off by how things panned out. His loss, not mine... I said to myself. He obviously has issues with himself, and maybe his faith too. But it's for him to manage. 

• I reconnected with someone whom I had previously met up from Grindr but didn't really interacted much. He had just quitted his job and felt rather lost. So the I naturally ended up giving him some advice and suggestions with regards how he could fill up his time. We continued chatting and with time, he got comfortable with me and asked if I could accompany him to check out some bedding that he had been looking at. He was an extreme extrovert texted me almost non-stop through the day, everyday. I learned that he has deep mistrust in people and would question people's intentions and question every word/ phrase during conversations. I felt superbly stressed whenever I chatted with him and have to constantly explain why I used this or that word/s. Things reached a point where he accused me of some menial stuff. I decided to simply cool things off and not respond to him as often. Life is stressful enough, I thought. Better not create more stress for myself. He sensed my detachment and eventually stopped texting me.

• I went to KL and got to know someone there. After chatting for a while, I agreed to meet him. He seemed a nice person. It was supposed to be a short and quick meet up as I had a dinner that evening and I have 2 hours to kill. During the meet up, he introduced me to his "godson", a young 25 year old chap. I left shortly and we maintain contact after I came home. Over time, I learned that he is a counsellor and works for an NGO and the "godson" is one of his charges. He invited me to stay over at his place should I visit KL again and to join him for his counseling trips if I am keen. I eventually took up his offer and visited him again 2 weeks ago.  But alas, things did not turn out the way I had planned as I ended up with a bad bout of diarrhea and vomiting. In the end, I stayed at his place and his "godson" had to look after me. But yeah, I am glad I made a good friend during the trip.

Recent KL/ PJ Trip

I was in Malaysia Petaling Jaya/ KL recently.

The main reason why I went away was becos I didn't want to be at home on his birthday. Anyway, during the trip, I managed to have a good catch up with 2 long time friends. I was really glad one of them opened up more to me and that I could be part of his journey as a gay person. It was a regret not to be able to catch up with more people as it was a really short trip and that the trip was on weekdays where all were working.

Looking forward to more such short trips.

Decluttering

He moved into the guest room a day after he said he wanted to break off. And over the last month, he managed to find a place to move in to. He moved out of the house last morning. There are some big items that he left behind - his work desk, his chair, etc. He couldn't move them out as the new room he rented could not accommodate these items. Since then, I had spent a good part of the last 2 days clearing the room. I also took the opportunity to declutter some of my own stuff. Here're some things I noted:

• Decluttering a space is not as simple as it seemed.
• You do not just discard things and declutter just a space. 
• You also end up rearranging a lot of things, and it includes things from other rooms.
• And very soon, you start to declutter the whole house.
• You think, reflect, reminisce as you pick through the items.
• Do I throw? Do I keep? 
• It was a draining process, physically, and emotionally.
• You can remove, rearrange, discard many physical items but you cannot remove the memories associated with the items.
• I ended up revisiting memories of my past - him, my mum, my maid, etc 
• Memories from the distant past are warm and sweet.
• Memories from recent past are more complex and raw...

Recent and distant memories of many things and different people from the past came to mind, all at the same time. The emotions was very complex. I was neither happy, sad, nor disappointed. But I reminded myself to just keep focus and clean. I supposed discarding things help me move on as it reminded me of the finality and impermanence of things.

I think so much...

Spiralling

I am spiralling. My life, that is. I know it is not good and not the right thing to do, but I allow myself to be consumed by circumstances currently. Let it spiral. Let it loose... I only live once.

Control the mind

Invariably, I find my mind running loose at times. And I don't like this feeling - one of loneliness, of pain, of desires, of loss, etc. I kept reminding myself that I need to take control. This is perhaps against what most people talk about - the 5 stages of grief. Let it loose, let the emotions take over, etc... But I refuse to. I reframed things. I want to move along quick. I need to control my mind. I need to take charge. I need to move forward. For my own sanity.

Reminder for myself

Corporate Midas

Proud of myself.

New WiFi name

Found myself hurting again this morning when he reset the wifi name and password. But no, I will not. I need to move ahead.

In the dark

In the coach, when the lights go off, and when the soothing music flows, the mind takes over. Invariably, it brings me to places I don’t want to be. Need to take control and focus on the positives.

Look forward.

Lotus petals

The lotus grows out of muddy waters. When the petal drops, it floats aimlessly, the destination guided by where the water flows… it feels like me currently. Jaded. Tired. And letting life dictate where I should head, emotionally. Perhaps it’s good to just take a break and see where things go from here.

Leaving it to fate

Decided to head up to KL this week. A quick escape and to avoid being around him on his birthday. This is a quick few liner while traveling in the coach.

Loss

And here’s the thing - one can never get over the trauma of experiencing loss.

Coaching hours

To get myself certified as a coach, I need to attend 3 training modules, undergo 3 mentoring sessions, take an ICF-administered exam, and accumulate minimally 100 coaching hours. I have thus far done 2 modules and have registered myself for the third in June. As for the 100 coaching hours, I have managed to clock close to 60 hours. It has been a tough journey but one that is hugely rewarding.

My client base now includes referrals such as friends of friends as well as their spouses. And to get updates from my friends that their referrals found me good and that they had benefited from my coaching was a huge motivation for me. It tells me I am moving on the right track! I need to keep up my momentum and hopefully, I can reach my 100 hours within the next 2 - 3 months.

Keep going Jeffrey!

New arrangements

With the end of this relationship, I am no longer held back in many of my decision making with regards how I'm going to live my life. 

These include how I am going to manage my assets. For the longest time, he was a big factor and with him gone, I have sold my car. I do not need this luxury, and the monies saved will go a long way to help me during this period of career transition. As for my apartment, he refused to let me rent out the guest room as he abhors the thought of having a stranger in the house. With him moving out soon, I have started asking for help to look for a tenant. This would immediately provide me an added source of passive income as I study options for my longer term housing needs, such as purchasing public housing. 

Secondly, I now have a whole lot of time and freedom to explore the social aspects of my life. These include making new friends, dating, etc etc and so, I have increased my presence in Grindr, meet up with friends, ex-colleagues, etc, many whom I’ve not caught up for a while. I had failed these connections in the past as I had prioritised all my time towards him. I realised belatedly how much I have shortchanged myself as a result. I never learned, have I?! I am also planning my own overseas trips now. Previously, I need to take into considerations his work schedules, leave entitlement etc. Admittedly, loneliness and a sense of loss are the main factors that drive all these decisions. But I have to start somewhere.

In the meantime, and perhaps as an escape and distraction, I have invested all my energies into my coaching. Positively, it helped me clock my hours faster. I have also spent much of my time out of the house. Avoiding him and not interacting with him helps me move along faster. Since the break up, I have not met up with our immediate close group of LGBT friends whom we hang out with weekly. I have asked them to render maximum support to him during this period and to celebrate his birthday next week. Will reach out to them once things are more settled. 

So yeah, so many things happening all at once. It is still somewhat unsettling for me. But I am in a much better place today than I was 2 weeks ago. He is currently overseas and I can spend some good time at home. The realisation of all these possibilities, especially the dating, meet ups, etc is quite liberating and exciting! I believe it will take me sometime to re-establish a new balance in how I conduct my life. But I must embrace this transition period well for my own sanity, and well-being. I need to reclaim my own sense of self. And for now... 

Go forth and celebrate your new found freedom Jeffrey!

:-)

Goodbye car

Have sold off my car.

Been holding on to it for a while despite my shift to public transport since I stopped work. The car was used mainly on weekends for my grocery shopping and for us to head off for our Friday evening/ weekend programmes. I had refused to sell it despite knowing that it was draining my financial resources - loan, insurance, tax, petrol, etc amounting to an estimate of $1000-plus every month. I had held on to it for the convenience and, most importantly, to allow me to pick/ send him when the need arises. So…

Selling the car is as much a way to manage my finances as much as a way to help me move along. After all, the car was bought after we came together and the red colour was chosen by him. If given a choice, I’d go for dark blue. Heh… The new owner took formal ownership of it and drove off with it yesterday. And so here I am - carless after 33/34 years. But positively, I did not lose too much in terms of the monetary value given the much higher Certificate of Entitlement (COE) today than it was when I first bought it.

Gonna get use to the new state of mind.

:-)

Reframing - Grateful

There’s a lot of bitterness over the break up and I’ve been struggling to get over things. 

The bitterness arose when I thought through all those things I had done for him and supported him over the years - through his settling down in Singapore, his several career changes over the years and contributed to his growth to what he is today. I have my quirks and I am not the best person at times, especially over the last 2 years as I navigated my choices post-COVID. Nonetheless, I’m not going to beat myself over being so as I am only human and I have my own challenges to manage. I myself needed support when things get tough. I guess it’s not something he is willing to commit to and that compounded my sense of bitterness.

I’ve been having insomnia and drowning myself with TikTok and Instagram posts that speak about moving on and how to live better moving forward. And what resonates with me is the need to practice self-love and to look ahead. Also, the need to let go of the past and not focus on what could have been. So, I am reframing a lot of my bitterness to help me move on. Here’s a start. I am thankful to him for:

• Giving me a sense of purpose in life again after my mum’s passing
• Discovering the extent of what I can do when I love someone - eg driving to Penang to pick him when he’s down with COVID
• Helping out with the household expenses and chores when needed
• Introducing me to his friends and his family, something he has never done before
• Keeping by my side during the COVID lockdown and keeping me sane as we struggled through the dark period
• Helping with little gestures such as cleaning my ears when it’s itchy 
• Being the most ardent fan of my cooking (and I love cooking); and above all,
• Allowing me to be part of his life over the last 7 years, especially during the times when he struggled with his father's passing

Our journey together has kept me alive and well; and given me something to look forward to. Till today, I still get a lump in my throat and emotional when I see him after a few days of absence. But I need to let all these go. I will need to re-find myself and redefine what my life's purpose is as I chart along. I need to learn to focus on my self now, something that I had forsaken over the time we were together.

The End

This post captures the end of my third relationship. It happened quite abruptly last week and I had alluded to it in an earlier posting. I supposed all good things must come to an end. No use lamenting over what could have been.

So last week, after several days of seeing him so distracted, I asked him what’s troubling him and how I might help as we prepare to sleep. That’s when all his thoughts came out. And he said that the disconnect started last year and have build to a point where he finds it hard to even want to spend time with me, and that I stand in his way of spending time doing things he likes. 

I asked him simply, do you want to carry on and if you do, let’s agree on what we must both work on, state our needs and expectations; and if you don’t, let’s just break it off. He chose the latter. I replied ok, and if that’s the case, there’s nothing more to talk about. And that was it. I won’t beg nor will I even ask for him to reconsider. I don’t want to be the source of his unhappiness.

And so, over the last week, he moved into the study room. He asked for time to find a place. It has not been easy for me given the suddenness. I have since been avoiding any interactions with him, choosing to leave the house whenever he is around and coming home late. Avoiding him helps me get some sense of sanity, pick myself up and move forward.

Will need to find my self all over again. Not a comfortable position to be in but it’s the only way ahead.

I am not god

I have a real story to share.

• I have known this person for a long while
• He was a devout person (to his religion and god)
• He was diagnosed with cancer 2 years back and his health deteriorated over time
• The last time I met him 2 months back he was already bedridden
• He told me he resented and had given up on his god for cursing him with such a disease
• Nonetheless, through this difficult period, his wife continued to do the necessary rituals of praying and blessing him daily
• She held strongly that god’s love is unconditional and whatever is happening is fated and that he must walk this path as destined
• He passed away last week
• His family gave him a good religious funeral and continued having deep faith that his god will continue to guide and love him

I see strong parallels in this story to us human relationships. The only exception is that for us, both are humans and, unconditional and altruistic love is just not possible between two persons. 

For humans, both parties must put in the effort to give and to support as both parties will go through their own lives and navigate life’s ups and downs - that is what through thick and thin means. And if any one party stop doing that, things will not work out.

Do I make sense?