Urologist Review

Had my review with the urologist today.

Was asked to do an x-ray when I arrived and that was weird. But I learned later that it was becos they found evidence of stones in my right kidney and wanted to confirm it again.

Anyway, the urologist updated that there was no trace of infection nor cancer cells in both the blood and urine. As such, the conclusion was that blood in urine was mainly due to kidney stones.

From the ct scans, they also found evidence of stones - probably about 3mm in both kidneys. Also, a large stone about 6mm was seen in ureter but it did not show up in the x-ray done today. This was weird given the size of the stone, and thus, the urologist suspected I might have passed it out.

With these findings, the urologist suggested not to undertake any invasive treatment currently as the chance that I had passed out the stone was very high. Also, he wanted to err on the safe side given that I'm on heart medication. I was subsequently asked to return for another review in 3 months. The additional time will also allow the heart to stabilise. For now, to keep drinking and flush the system.

So that's good news I think...

Roll eyes... Auntie incident

I was at the x-ray department yesterday awaiting for my ct scan when I witnessed this very interesting and funny incident. One lady (in her 50s) went up to the hospital staff and sounded very angry, started to complain loudly... here’s the conversation (no kidding)

Lady: My appointment is at 4.45 and the queue number I got says 16.45. I’m so angry. I purposely come early to meet the 4.45 appointment time and now I have to wait 12 hours until 16.45. How can this be?!?!?! You guys are unreasonable!

Hospital staff: arrrrr... Auntie ah, 16.45 is 4.45...

Lady: How can it be, don’t bluff me! (She then put out her hands and started counting) 4, 5, 6, 7... (until no more fingers to count)... wahhhhh... must wait very long!!!

Hospital staff (eyes rolling until they almost drop out): Auntie ah... 4.45pm IS 16.45hrs...

Lady (re-count): orhhhh... oh... oh... ok ok, sorlie ah... alamak now I have 45min. I am so early now. I think I go Jalan Jalan (walk around). Can anot arrrr?

Hospital staff: Can, can, you can go anywhere you want to go.

Lady: Errrr, what if people jump queue?

Hospital staff: !(@:9!,!&/!!(@:@/!??!:@/!;&(&;”@/

omg, it's end-feb...

time really flies! is this an age thing? we never seemed to realise how fast time flies until we really sit down and take stock. also, time seemed to zoom by much quicker when we are older. right? heh... and yup, have not blogged for more than a month - a record in recent times. nonetheless, here's a rundown on what happened since i last blogged:

• had issues managing my health post-op (stenting). the first few days seemed ok and i was able to breath properly. then i started feeling a little breathless and had short episodes of chest tightness. my cardiologist put me through a series of tests but everything seemed fine. he concluded that there was no major issues with the stent and that my body was probably adjusting to it. 
• and then i started experiencing lotsa bleeding - in the gums and later, in my urine (hematuria) (see below). it's not a nice experience to constantly taste blood in my mouth day and night. my hematuria got worst. there were days where i was peeing brown-coloured urine through the day. 
• told the cardiologist about this during a review and he suspected it could be due to kidney stones. he ordered an ultrasound at gleneagles. the scan found a 3mm stone in my left kidney. as a precaution, he adjusted my blood thinner medication. the one he had earlier prescribed had aspirin in it. he changed it to one without aspirin, but without first expressing his reservations as doing so might be less effective and might just end up clogging the stent. then again, weighing the pros and cons, he decided to go ahead.
• as a follow-up, i brought forward my changi hospital annual urologist check up. the urologist did an x-ray but found nothing. when i showed him my ultrasound scan and the report from gleneagles, he explained that such conflicting findings could be possible as the stones might have flushed out by itself, or that it was too small to be detected by x-ray. anyway, he has scheduled a ct scan for me to ascertain if i indeed have stones. he mentioned 3 possible causes of hemturia, namely, stones, urinary tract infection, or cancer. had just done the ct scan. the review is next week. let's wait and see... 
• the itch in my right ear got worst despite medicated ear drops. and lately, i began experiencing momentary deafness in my right ear (everything i hear was muffled). i suspect i might be getting deaf. think i have to go for another round of checks. also, my left ear is also starting to itch... hmmm... 
• positively, i also did a series of tests and all turned out fine - normal kidney functions, normal thyroid, normal bladder, normal prostate, not pre-diabetic... all reasons to be happy about!
• went for a couple of trips overseas with pz - twice to kuala lumpur and once to japan (osaka, nara and kyoto). the japan trip was really good. cold weather (which was perfect), visits to parks and temples, and simply soaking up the japanese ambience and culture. was a really good break, but as in all breaks, it was never enough. it's back to reality and work in no time.
• work-wise had been most manageable. the focus over had been in developing the departments' annual plans for the coming fiscal year. i can expect the workload to pick up very fast once the plans are approved. think i better take as much break as i can before it happens.
• my boss is finally slowly down and handing over to her responsibilities to her replacement. sad to see her go. all good (and bad) things must come to an end. that's the nature of things. have to restart the relationship and trust building with my new boss. it's been a week since she (another lady) joined the company and things have been smooth so far.
• lunar new year came and went and for the first time in 3 years, i observed this festival. i had not done so as i was observing a 3-year mourning period following my mum's passing in nov 2015. visited my paternal side aunts and had a simple reunion lunch. nothing beats the warmth of a family, even if it’s an extended one.
• went for a trip and pulau ubin over the last weekend. had a very bad fall from my bicycle in my attempt to avoid my friend who swerved into my lane. landed heavily on my left shoulder and suffered abrasions and trauma. had been in terrible pain for the last two days. a lot of difficulty lifting my arm, and taking deep breaths. suspect i might have broken my ribs. need to rest. from experience, the doctors will not be able to do anything other than give painkillers.
• my weight had, for the first time in almost 2-decades, crossed 80kg. omg! i wondered if the medications i've been taking contributed to this (at least in part). i need to start loosing weight.
• watched quite a number of movies... but too lazy to blog every single one of them. lol...

ok, that was a quick rundown on my last month. eventful with many ups and downs. but positively, it reminded me i am very much alive and very much in tune with myself. i need to be more mindful in managing my daily routines, and of cos, my weight. 

7-day MC

Have been given 7 days of hospitalisation leave. That means I will only be required to go back to work next Tuesday. And when I updated my boss, she told me to rest. Of course, as a courtesy, I replied that I will be contactable on my phone if needed, to which she replied - please prioritise your health accordingly. So yeah, I got her advise. Had just totally ignored my work phone and just relax and rest these two days. Of cos, I know that like it or not, when I head back to work, I will still need to catch up and be accountable for all those things under me...

And to put in perspective, I was concerned not just about my heart but also about my kidneys. You see, after the procedure, my back felt sooooo aching that I couldn’t lie still for 6 hours (the time neeeded for the blood flow to stabilise). I was also required to drink lotsa water during the period and guess what? The nurse found blood in my urine (hematuria). They suspected it could be due to the contrast used during the procedure. But really, I suspected my kidney stones have formed and is causing the internal bleeding!

Whatever the case, let’s just drink and drink and hope all ends well. Will just use these 7 days to rest and to give myself the break I needed.

Stenting 2

The whole procedure lasted no more than 32 minutes. But when you are lying on the operating table, and the probe is inserted and the radiographer is constantly adjusting the machine around you to capture the process, time seemed to come to a stand still. Your whole focus is on the feeling of pressure on the puncture (at the groin area) and the screen in front of you that shows your pumping heart and the flow of the blood as the procedure went on...

It was certainly an interesting experience but not something that I wish to go through again.

In the heart

If you love someone, you will always make decisions or do anything with that person in your heart. Simple rule of thumb that speaks of the need to be considerate and to consistently think of the ones you love when you decide or do anything. As long as you forget about the people you love and make decisions purely based on your own wants/ needs, you will end up hurting people you love advertently.

Agree?

Stenting 1

I had just finished inserting the stent. “More than 75% blockage”, the doctor said after the investigation. “We’ll proceed to do the stenting...”. 

說散就散

I love this song. And for whatever reasons, I always get this song confused with 体面 (Dignity) (the song that I posted last week).

The title of this song is "說散就散".

(visit this link for an explanation of the song and this link for the english translation of the lyrics).

2018 - a messy year

I will christen 2018 as “A Messy Year”. I had initially wanted to call it the "Year of the Heart" but decided that "Mess" would be more appropriate. I do believe that quite a bit of things that happened to me over the last one year could be attributed to the pent up emotions following my mum's passing end-2015, my decision to run away from some of my personal tensions, and my inability to manage myself well on all fronts through the year. With this convergence of factors, 2018 erupted into a perfect storm of issues that eventually took a toll on my health. For my reflections, I will focus on 3 key things that I felt consumed my whole year - my health, my work and my relationship. For completeness, I will also pen some quick words on areas such as friends, family, and so on.

My Health

2018 has been one helluva mess for me health-wise. As in 2017, I often felt sad and depressed and I had the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. And with the stress from work, and my increasing loneliness, I eventually lost control of myself. I resorted to fleeting sex and occasional cf to escape from the stress and loneliness. I experienced very bad heart palpitations end of June and was evacuated to the hospital. I was subsequently diagnosed to have heart palpitations and had to undergo ablation. The procedure lasted about 8 hours, 4 times longer than expected 2 hours. Thankfully, there was no further complications. As part of the procedure, the doctor also discovered a 80% blockage in one of the artery. I will be going through an angioplasty in Jan 2019. Apart from this, I also experienced bloodied urine at least twice through the year. Whether this was due to a build up of kidney stones, I don't know. My next review with the urologist will be in Sep 2019.

My Work 

In my 2017 reflection, I named "work" as the single most significant factor that shaped my year. I had enter a new industry and and had immersed my whole self into this new role. I had to grapple with a change in some key people within the team towards the end of 2017. With this as the context at the start of 2018, there were 3 levels of stress at work, namely, (1) unrealistic expectations, (2) leaders' lack of accountability, and (3) a new team inexperienced team. The combination of all these 3 factors was rather overwhelming as they build upon each other. Firstly, this year's KPIs were unrealistic. I had first highlighted this when the year started but it was simply brushed off. It was futile to change my big boss's thoughts about the KPIs in part becos the big boss was superbly difficult to talk with. Added to that, I also noted I was not the only person to get such unrealistic KPIs. So... Secondly, there were changes to the departments' senior leadership team this year. What went horribly wrong was when one of the new senior leader did not want to get her hands dirty to do all the operational work and began pushing her responsibilities around. It was terrible and many of my peers suffered the same from her. For me, I eventually came to a point where I had to down tools totally and told her off that she needed to manage things herself. Lastly, I managed to put together a new team following the departure of some key members last year. The person I hired was a huge disappointment and, in my opinion, did not fit in well. He was more conceptual than me and lacked the ability to focus on the details! I ended up having to monitor and question every single little details of his team eventually. I had no choice but to do this following several incidents that involved some pretty senior personalities... as always, the work was easy, but having to handle operational issues because of someone's refusal to accept accountabilities, or because of someone's inability to do so was terrible! It was not easy to have to manage up and down amidst all the stresses of having to deliver the KPIs. Something had to go and in the end, my health gave way. I end 2018 assuming a newly created position. I have the flexibility to frame what I can do in this new port folio. The challenge would be that my immediate boss has tendered and will leave by March 2019. Positively speaking, there will be many things to learn in 2019!

My Relationship

My partner of 14 years (whom I called Bee) and I finally separated in Sep 2018. There were many reasons for this and they include his focus on his work, our relationship got neglected, I got too much time at hand, I got to know someone in Grindr (let's call him PZ). And the rest just happened quite by itself. To add to the mess, I got myself so much in to the new person that I could not pull myself out despite him coming clean with me that he has a partner in Malaysia, that he had also been involved in another relationship with married person for the last 5 years and the consistent lies that he created to hide these details from me. It was too tiring and too stressful but I couldn't and didn't how to extricate myself by then. Eventually, PZ called off both his 8-year and 5-year relationships. We got together and in less than 3 months, the stress got to the point where we quarreled and things went awry. He eventually called off the relationship. It was the first time in about 2 decades where I was single, again. I spend a lot of time with my ex during the few days after I became single and at one point I asked my ex if he would consider starting all over again. My ex didn't give me an outright answer apart from the input that he was afraid he will not be able to fulfill my needs (of time and attention) due to his work. He left the conversation there without giving a clear answer. It was also this time when PZ contacted me to talk things through. In the end, we agreed to give our failed relationship another goal and... yup, that was my quick summary of my relationship for 2018. So... yes, relationship was a MESS in 2018. I didn't manage things well. Thankfully, things ended with a bit more clarity on both PZ and my sides, both making the resolve to want to make things happen. Will need to focus on rebuilding my relationship in 2019.

My Escapes 

Well, "escapes" in this paragraph can be framed in more than one way. Firstly, and in a physical sense, it refers to my overseas travels. Effectively, 2018 will probably go down as the year where I traveled the most. If I counted it correctly, not counting work trips, I visited overseas no less than 10 - 11 times over the course of the year. They included trips to Hong Kong where I would either frequent gay saunas or meet up with my friends (or probably you can call it "friend with benefits"), many trips to KL and Bandung with PZ, as well as a disastrous trip to Tokyo with Bee. For my trip to Tokyo, we quarrelled the first day of the trip and went on cold war or the next day or two. He had to return one day earlier to attend to his mother when she had a fall. Secondly, "escapes" also refer to the many occasions where I hooked up with people in Grindr in my attempts to seek companionship and/ or sex. In some instances, cf was involved. I would always end up with superbly bad headache for a few days after that. So... yeah, I admit I had been irresponsible to myself in 2018, but living a life like that was the best escape for me. Judge me if you want, I don't care. I don't think I will ever use it in 2019, especially now that I have PZ with me.

My Friends

In 2018, I deepened my relationships with some of my closer friends, especially those from my previous company. These friends, had over time, come to become my extended family. Interestingly, many of them address me as "Daddy" or "Baba/ Papa" and one of them even asked if I would consider having him as my adopted son. That was how close I had established myself with them. The meet ups and the interactions got deeper not just becos there were more meet ups, but also becos many of them went through quite a bit of tensions/ stress and came to me for advise/ help. These include relationship/ marital issues, work-related issues as well as job changes, among others. For 2019, I can expect to see 2 - 3 of them leaving their jobs and seeking new ones. I hope I will be able to provide them with the support they need when they go through the transition.

My Family

I came to a point where relationship with my immediate family didn't really matter to me anymore. Que sera sera, that was my attitude towards my family in 2018. For my eldest sister, although ties was strained, she was a bit more open to texting me. This, I suspect, was because I reached out to her after learning that she has cancer. Relationship with my second sister was the same - cordial and warm. We kept in contact and she would often keep me in mind when she cooked stuff like curries, popiahs, bee hoon, noodles, etc. I am thankful to her for remembering me whenever she cooked. As for my brother, I have accepted the fact that I will no longer have the chance to reconnect with him (not that I want to). Apart from that, everything else with my extended family (including my aunts, cousins, etc) remained quite constant. For 2019, I suspect death will befall at least one or two individuals within my extended family. I know it's quite a morbid thought and hope I am wrong. Then again to me, I embrace death as much as I embrace living and experiencing life. So yeah, whatever will come will come.

Conclusion

2018 has been a superbly messy one for me. As I reflected during the start of this post, I believe it was the culmination of the depression since the passing of my mum and my inability to get hold of my life over the last 3 years. The eventual impact on my health was indeed unfortunate and I had wondered if I will ever live to see my next birthday. I am starting 2019 staring at my health and my work squarely, and with the knowledge that I have a new relationship that I can (hopefully) rely on for support. Above all, I know I have to manage myself, be kind to myself and to take care of myself more.

Happy 2019 everyone.

Restarting

He came to my place, we spoke about things and decided to give things a go again. And I am in KL with him currently. For him, this trip is to have a proper closure and to celebrate his bff’s birthday. For me, it’s my much needed break away from home and from work.

So, we’re back where we started and with a better resolve on the journey ahead. 

Wish us luck.

比悲傷更悲傷的故事 (More Than Blue)

This stroy-line of this movie was so sad, I laughed. Ok, to put in perspective, everyone around me cried buckets, including PZ. But frankly, when I suspected things were not so straightforward from the start of the show and took a third person point of view when I watched it. And when the story unfolded and proved my theory, it became funny. Without going into specifics, the following kinda described the show:

• He: I know I have a terminal illness, I don't want her to know.
• She: I know he has a terminal illness, and I know he doesn't want me to know. So I pretend I don't know, so that he will not suspect I know.

This framing took up almost 3/4 of the whole show. The show showed the story from the perspective of the guy. And people were crying buckets by now. And then 3/4 way through, similar scenes were repeated, but now told from the girls' perspective. That was when people started crying even more. The last 10 min of their show was:

• He: I now know she knows but it's too late. I'm dying soon.
• She: He knows now that I know, and I will try my best to look after him.

She brought him home from the hospital, and before they even could spend the night, he died. And she took her own life.

End of story.

Bumblebee

This is a rather draggy show and really made the bots too human-like. Kinda weird.

But overall, it was quite interesting show.

Aquaman

i thoroughly enjoyed this show. And watching how he commanded the sea creatures into battle towards the end of the movie reminded me of the cartoons I watched during my childhood. Hmmm... was it marine boy? Anyway, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

体面 (Dignity)

作词：唐恬
作曲：于文文
编曲：郑楠

别堆砌怀念让剧情 变得狗血
深爱了多年又何必 毁了经典

都已成年不拖不欠
浪费时间是我情愿
像谢幕的演员
眼看着灯光熄灭

来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面
谁都不要说抱歉 何来亏欠
我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们
在喝彩 流着泪声嘶力竭

离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
更多更详
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆

最熟悉的街主角却 换了人演
我哭到哽咽心再痛 就当破茧
来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面
谁都不要说抱歉 何来亏欠
我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们
在喝彩 流着泪声嘶力竭

离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆
再见 不负遇见

Namo Avalokiteshvara

I had the opportunity to listen to this chant many years back. I fell in love with it immediately and recalled tearing when I listened to it. It had been a long time and I had forgotten about it.

Two days ago, Yip sent me a documentary that centred around the theme of mindfulness. It was titled "Walk with Me" and was filmed at the Plum Village Monastery. Somewhere in the documentary, this chant was performed. I was dumbstruck when the chant started. It was a simple chant that only comprise the words "Namo Avalokiteshvara". The words meant "Homage to Avalokiteshvara" - "Avalokiteshvara" being the name of a goddess commonly known in chinese as the Guan Yin, or the Goddess of Mercy, the Compassionate.

Before I knew it, I starting tearing. I chided myself mentally for being emotional and tried hard to control my tears. But as the camera panned across the audience, I saw many in the audience tearing. One woman was crying so bad she had to be consoled. It was then that I realised it was I was not the only one that reacted this way to the chant. The chant evoke in my head images of Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara, the calm, and the compassion. It contrasted strongly with the current state of my mind. And next thing I knew, mental images of my mum’s passing, my grieve, my pains, my emotions, my depression, my failed relationships, everything that I had done or did not do that ended with me harming myself, etc... all came crashing down onto me. And at that moment, I totally submitted myself to my emotions and everything just flowed out. I didn't realise I had so many pent up emotions in me. The momentary letting go helped me tremendously. It centred and calmed me down.

I was glad I watched the documentary (embedded below). I need to restart cultivating my mindfulness again.

Keeping things simple

Today, I decided to declutter my place. And I did so as I packed his stuff. I took the opportunity to throw away a lot of my old stuff - unused postcards, unused old gifts that has turned yellow, kept my dining chairs in the store room, cleared the fridge of food, cleared the cupboard of clothings that I’ve not worn for a while, arranged my hangers, threw away some medications, toiletries, etc etc etc. By the time I finished, the house look and feel quite empty. 

I like things this way. Simple and neat. This was how it was immediately after mum passed on. But things piled up again. And over the last 6 months, I did not have the time nor energy to clean the house. It’s either I was staying over at his place, or when we returned, I didn’t have the motivation nor energy. Added to that, over the last couple of months, there was a lot of renovations going on at my neighbour’s place and it was impossible for me to have things dustfree. So now, it’s catch up time.

I supposed my efforts in decluttering my house is also part of my attempt to clear the mess I’ve created for myself in my life. Time to move on, relook at how I’ve lived my life and to start afresh. It’s been a couple of days being alone and it’s not easy. But admittedly, it was quite refreshing too. And I miss him. But I didn't want to call him as I was also angry at how he treated me. I was also reminded of how much time and energies I have committed to the relationship in the last 6 months. And yesterday, he texted me to tell me he wanted to end the relationship. So... time to reorganize my life and relook at things.

Time to declutter my life, and keep things simple. And time to do what I want. For myself.

Themes for 2018

Time flies. It's the time where I will be writing my annual end-of-the-year blog soon. I have christened each of the last decade with key words that described the year. And this year, a few words came to mind. These include “Heart”, “Mess”, “Stress”, and “Challenges”. 

I have not decided which to use, but my immediate thoughts is that “Heart” is very apt. But apt as it may be, it is related more to issues (health and relationship) that happened only in the last 6 months. I will not do justice to the year if I were to use “Heart” to frame it. As for “Stress” and “Challenges”, these may very well be the case but I acknowledged that these concepts are a constant in life and can be applicable for any year. So... for now, “Mess” seems to be the most appropriate. It describes aptly the cause of the stress, the effects (and possibly the cause) of the “Heart” issues, and the challenges that presented themselves to me eventually. 

And reflecting, I do realise this - the words that came to mind are all rather negative sounding. I supposed it is a reflection of my current state of mind, and possibly my personality. I am naturally more inclined to dwell in and remember negative things as they impact me more profoundly. I must learn to see and frame things more positively. Weird that I have to remind myself about this, considering I’ve always been advising people around me to do it. Anyway, I have one more week to go before I pen my annual reflections. Will continue to reflect on the theme. 

Stay tuned.

Into the Wild @ Work

A new department was created from scratch and I was asked to lead this department. I was given this opportunity because the company felt I was best suited for it. For me, I decided to accept it because I thought it would be less stressful (given a smaller team and that I have the ability to decide how I should scope it). But, more importantly, I accepted the role because of the fact that I will continue to work with my current boss. The understanding between my boss and I has been that I will focus on the work and she will handle the people (aka politics). That understanding had worked out perfectly for the last 2 years. 

Last week, I finally relinquished my position and handed it over to a new chap. As part of handing over the department, I will, however, have to close the year, prepare the new fiscal year’s budget and aid in all outstanding projects. And after that, I have been tasked to play the role of an advisor for the new chap as he runs in in the next 3-6 months. As for the new port folio, the scope was enlarged and the bosses has ambitiously promised top management a lot more things than what I had expected. So you can imagine the amount of things I had to do and the challenges I am faced with during this period.

And then my boss dropped a bomb shell on me two days ago - that she had tendered her resignation.

Wtf!

自爱

Do you have something that you need to talk about? a dear friend asked. No, all’s good, I said. Whatever it is, just remember these two words:

“自爱”

(translated to “Love/-ing yourself”), my friend added, even as she does not know anything about what happened. That, to me, was the best reminder possible for me at this time... I supposed she knows I am the type that gives my all when in a relationship and always end up being misunderstood or hurt. 

I have to learn to listen to my brain more and my heart less. Cos all the time, when I listen to my heart, I will justify for people why they did what they did, give them the benefit of doubt, and invariably end up hurting myself. Had happened through my life and it happened again. There’s just a very fine and grey line between loving oneself and loving people.

It will be very difficult for me, but I must try.

(I found this link when I googled "Self-Love". As I read, I realised how I had been shortchanging myself for so long)

erectile dysfunction

I am not shy nor embarrassed to share this - that I find it very difficult to get aroused these days - especially over the last couple of days. I think it’s due to my health and made worst by stress - from work, and personal life. I read that one could get erectile dysfunction from health and stress. But the thing is, when you get it, you feel stress, and this goes into a negative loop. Hard fact but true. 

Let’s see how it goes.

Single

This week, after 20 years, I’m single again. 

Humiliation

Humiliation is no different from violence. 

It has no place in relationships.

Period.

Happy 52 to myself

I turned 52 yesterday. 

It was a non-affair for me. It simply whizzed by although people around me were quite excited about it. I received numerous whatsapps from friends throughout the day wishing me well. It was quite a nice feeling knowing my friends remembered me. And truth be told, I have asked myself if I would live to see my next birthday. I don't know, given my constant breathlessness, and occasional chest pains. I am also beginning to experience trembling hands, slurring speeches, forgetfulness, typos in my emails, etc. 

I have just done a blood test and got myself hooked up to the Holter again just now. Will be doing a review tomorrow before another doctor will assess my suitability to go through angioplasty. If all things are ok, I think it would be done some time next month. We'll see.

2019 will be a tough one for me at work. Have relinquished my port-folio and accepted a new one. The pressures are high to write a new chapter for the company. And my best-in-the-world boss has signaled to me the strong possibility of her resigning... Will write more in time to come. For now, just giving myself the space to just zen-off and take things slow, even if I come across as being a little more laid back during work time.

It's the year-end mood after all. Let's not be too hard on myself.

Happy birthday to myself.

Quick thoughts: The last 6 months...

I've been quiet, really quiet. I think I've lost the momentum to blog. This, to a huge extent, was due to me struggling with my life over the last half year or so... so much so that I was left totally drained and no energy to do anything else. Let me explain... 

Some of you have asked me about my break-up with Bee. To put in perspective, I wouldn't put it as me breaking up with him. Rather, it was an amicable break-up where he decided to give me his blessings when one day on 20 Sep, he asked - are you seeing someone? I said yes, and he said ok, then I will let you go. The rest was history. And although the "I'll let you go" came out so easily, what happened the following weeks were nothing short of drama - there were threats of suicide, of taking lives, inability to let go, emotions, etc. The amount of intertwining of our lives and habits over the 14-year relationship was simply too much to call it off so easily. 

As for the new guy, what happened was - I started seeing him since June this year. It started off as a meet up in office after knowing he was in the same company as me, and things led on to more and before we knew it, we got ourselves entangled. He came from Penang and had gone to Kuala Lumpur 8 years ago to pursue his degree. He got attached to someone there and had since lived with him. He came to Singapore to work since Apr this year and I go to know him in May 18 - through Grindr. The whole process of knowing him, messing with him, finding out that he's partnered, la la la... was nothing short of traumatic. The initial months were full of lies and hidden secrets and it got worst and worst as I discovered more and more about him, his personal life etc. Shan't go into details and it sufficed to say that what started off as a casual meet up turned into a fling and we didn't know how to stop it. 

And all these happened at the same time. 

So here we are, a new couple after he broke off with his partner, and I got the blessings of my partner. As all these happened, work turned messy with major projects almost monthly, changes in some of the leadership positions, new processes and pressures to deliver KPIs. All these added and piled up against one another and I supposed led to the eventual heart issues. 

Well, it's been a tough half year... it robbed me of my energies totally. I am into my last fortnight before the year ends and where I reflect on the last 12 months. For now, I have tentatively called 2018 the year of the heart. Will review closer to 31 Dec.

Sounds of silence

Nov 18 - the month where I did not blog for the whole month. It’s a first in over a decade. Being busy, bogged down with health issues, handling personal issues, etc has become a constant. Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign of aging or is it just a manifestation of my current state of being? Whatever... doesn’t matter right? Shall write more in the days to come. And it’s time for me to think about the milestones of 2018.

Breathlessness

Since the procedure, I had gone on a business trip to Bandung and extended my stay there for a weekend to explore the volcanic craters. It was a good trip apart from the fact that throughout the trip I was constantly gasping for breath. It was very uneasy and very unsettling - imagine gasping for breath and still feeling I was not able to get the necessary oxygen into my system despite breathing in as hard as I could. I had worried about the possibility of a cardiac arrest whenever I headed out of the hotel. I was conscious that I have a blockage while at the same time, I was not sure the quality of medical services should I suddenly collapse...

I was very glad I made it home eventually. Will head for a review next week. Hope to get this issue resolved as soon as possible.

Pardon the explicitness

Not one to post anything explicit in this blog but I thought I'd post this to show how bad the bruises are after the keyhole op. Two holes were punched, one on each side of the groin, after I was shaved and later, a third on my neck. And I suffered bruises on both sides of the groin. These bruises worsen two days after the op. And to make things worst, my skin reacted badly to the adhesive tapes and I have huge patches of rashes on both my front and back of my thighs... freaking itchy! And of cos, a funny thought is that if I should go pick anyone up (not that I would), he would definitely freak out and suffer immediate erectile dysfunction once I take off my pants! 

Lol!

Blockage

I had just gone to the clinic for a post-op check up.

The doctor said that my ablation procedure done two days ago was one of the most complicated he's ever done cos the palpitation occurred "all over the heart instead of the usual places" and appeared halfway into the op. According to him, the procedure would last no more than 2-3 hours but mine lasted more than 7 hours. And as CT scan revealed a 70-80% blockage in one of the main artery, he would have to refer this back to the specialist that referred me (to him). For now, he has given me medication and I am to go for a review in a months' time. I might have to insert a stent (balloon) if the blockage doesn't clear.

Let's see how things go.

Ablation

Completed my procedure last night. All signs seem ok this morning apart from the three punctured wounds that remained somewhat painful. Well, that’s the good news. The bad news is - the doctor found I have a blockage and need further intervention. We’ll see how this goes. Still feeling groggy and nauseous.

Will be discharged soon.

???

I don't even know where to start for this post other then I really want to write something.

Truth be told, I got to know a guy half my age in Grindr in May. We chatted and with time, I found him to be a nice down to earth person - rather immature and naive but real. He turned out to be a colleague from another division. After almost a month of chatting online, we eventually met up. It was unplanned and happened because I had to work late and he offered to buy dinner for me after his gym. We met up more often after that and became close. I later learned that he has a partner. Cut the long story short, and fast forward 3 months, he broke off with his partner and I wanted to head to KL with him to attend a wedding dinner. And that was when bee asked me quite explicitly - are you seeing someone? I came clean and he said he'll give us the blessings and let go. I didn’t know what to make of his coolness in his response but what came the following few days was bad - emotional, grieve, untainted threats/ hints of suicide, etc... just pure drama. Didn’t help that I was a soft hearted person and became an emotional wretched throughout... 

It's been 2 weeks and there was quite a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride for me - the whole process of managing a break up was made worst by my current partner's inability to even see his own break up as a break up. For that matter, his (now) ex chose to constantly text and chat with him like as though life has not changed - addressimg him “dear” and using collective terms in phrases like - if we need this or that next time... It didn't help that he (my current partner) thinks it's perfectly ok and that they're now officially like a Father-Son status instead of being partners (that's how immature and naive he is and I’m not even sure if he is making the conscious effort to draw the line clear). To me, it’s challenging to constantly be in a relationship where his ex’s presence is felt. But that's another story altogether. On the other hand in this two weeks, I learned so much more about bee from many of my friends, both straight and gay, that I had previously assumed but chose to ignore.  Most came up to me to tell me they wanted to share what they had known all these while cos they do strongly believed I had deserved better. All had the same intention - that with their sharing, they hoped I can move on better. And from their sharing, I was able to connect the dots and conclude why he had so many last minute "business trips". He has had his romps and I had mine and I am not about to take the moral high ground here. Nonetheless, it was sad to hear of all the lies and the monies involved, including how he was involved in a serious relationship with someone, brought people home, how he described me as an ex who was a military officer, how he claimed he has a condo in Changi (my house) and that he had rented it out, etc. All these happened 2-3 years back - just about the time my mum died. No need to go into details. Anyway, and ultimately, I had closed both eyes, given him the benefit of doubt, as he had chosen to come back to me at night.

I thanked my friends for their sharing. What they shared did not come as a surprise to me. I know him well enough. But it does saddens me to know he is back in his bad habits of lying and driven and consumed by material well-being. I simply told my friends that all these are in the past. Inside myself, I forgive him and I also beg his forgiveness for getting involved with someone else. It was something that was so natural, although I went through pure shit and hell to get to where I am in my current relationship. Nonetheless, I thank him for giving us the blessings. So yeah, this is one helluva freaking confusing situation I am in now. People around me being immature and naive, messiness with ex’s that refuse to fade away, learning all sorts of things that break my heart... and wondering how the fuck I can move forward in as clean and as uncomplicated manner as I possibly can.

Wtf!

moving on

thank you for the 14 years...

calling people names

i've seen and heard people calling other people names - even very nasty ones that drag in the whole family. worst of all, they do so behind the back. and i would like to ask this question - do you call people names?

i don't. i belief what i call people reflects on my own self. at the very worst - such as for people who hurt me - i will be neutral and will just refer to the person by his/ her name. and i say this because i strongly believe my differences in views and actions with that person does not give me the right to call him/ her names, and for that matter, drag his/ her family into the equation. this is not right. and this is basic respect and courtesy to a fellow human being.

do you agree?

peppermint

watched the midnight show on friday night... what a waste of time. walked out halfway through the show. then again, watching the show was an excuse. 

hotel transylvania 3

tried too hard. i fell asleep... enuf said.

mission impossible - fallout

such a smooth show to watch. tom cruise never fail to carry off the mission impossible shows.  it was pure adrenaline rush from the start to the end. thoroughly enjoyed it.

crazy rich asians

for a start, let's not get too carried away with trying to compare this show to what real singapore life is... they are definitely different. in actual fact, the show actually showcased quite a bit of actors from both singapore and malaysia, and not forgetting - many scenes were also shot in different parts of malaysia. now that i've gotten this out of the way, i want to share that this show was really entertaining and surprisingly touching. and given the emotional state i was in, i ended up crying like a cry-baby during parts of the show. now, that is not very glam for a 51-plus year old person. but it was good that i have a hand to grab throughout the show.

defining month

been a very intense month for me on all fronts, especially work and personal. health-wise, not too good but it's being managed, i supposed.

work
many things got done this month. regrettably, the person i hired seemed to show more misfit into the role as time passes. will let the next person to take over me manage. lotsa things happening and it will all culminate in my moving to a new position in 3 weeks. apprehensive about it, but quite excited also. lotsa interesting things coming up. need to continue to gear people up.

personal
things are looking good and getting better after a lot of tensions. and a lot of skeletons in the closet got pulled out and a lot of issues were brought up front, especially over the last 2-3 weeks. shan't say too much except that the ups and downs certainly helped to strengthen things up. looking forward to my coming weeks/ months.

health
heart is not doing any better. not too sure if it is an effect of the af, but the heart rate has been rather erratic. admittedly, have been non-compliant with my medicine over the last week. and last night, i accidentally bit my tongue, and the bleeding went on and on for quite a long while (almost 5-6 hours), thankfully it eventually stopped. perhaps this is the silver lining behind my non-compliance of my blood thinner. otherwise, suffered a bad gastric flu last week. stomach felt bloated, and had non-stop runs over 2 days. to manage the bloated feeling (that was so bloody uncomfortable), i had to induce vomiting in the middle of the night. not too pleasant but it helped loads.

nett nett, all's good.

hacking

someone has been trying to hack into my gmail account. last week, i received a text from google with a security code to be keyed in (when logging in). thought it was weird cos i didn't attempted any logging in per se. i ignored the text. and yesterday, i got another sms from google, this time telling me that someone unauthorised had attempted a login. decided to update my password...

and i wonder if it’s someone from kuala lumpur.

second best?

there’s a difference between telling a person you are committed and asking for time alone vs making a person feel second best.

new role

i mentioned about the new role that my chief has created previously. she had spoken with me about  it and asked about my interest in it. after some considerations and chat with my boss, i've decided to accept it.  it took me a while to decide and the reasons i accepted it are as follows:

• firstly, it gives me a break from my current role - a role that is getting increasingly routine and uninterestingly. to be objective about it, i am good at what i am doing but i find myself getting rather bored by it. 
• secondly, i personally think a break from my current role is refreshing and it allows me to be able to re-define and re-build myself. i have been in my current space for the last decade and i think my space will get increasingly challenged by digitalisation. the opportunity to reinvent myself would be useful.
• thirdly, my boss clarified that i will continue to work under her. this is an important factor for me. i get along really well with her and we complement each other very well; and this leads to my last point...
• the stress level will be there still, but it will be very creative in nature (positive stress) given the newness of the role. in such context, it is important for me to be able to worry less about stress from unreasonable expectations/ stress that is relationship in nature.

above all, there is one thing constant, regardless of whether i stay in my current role or move over to a new role - my health. i rationalised that all things being equal, the new role will be a lesser evil from the perspective of stress and if my health were to deteriorate, i always have the flexibility to resign and move on. so... yeah, wish me luck. things are likely to be different in the months ahead. let's see how it goes.

too old? too bad...

don't think i blogged about this previously but was reminded of it when i read another blog earlier on about gay guys not reflecting their real age in grindr. for me, i started off being totally anonymous some years back as i wanted to maintain my privacy. but over time, i've gotten comfortable with being more upfront and about 2 years ago, i started showing my own photos in the app (i usually do not put my age). so, this is the context of my post here.

last month, while having my breakfast, someone texted me in grindr (that was about 7.45am). the profile showed a nice lean bod with beautifully smooth and tanned skin. the age reflected 38. that person started off nicely and i acknowledged his connection by greeting him back - you know, those basic niceties of good morning and stuff. he continued chatting with those usual "how are you", "what's up?" kinda exchanges and it was not long before he started to ask about sex. "are you top or bottom", "what do you like to do" etc. i didn't give any explicit responses but simply gave short ambiguous answers. this went on through the day and his messages kept coming. as i was working, i only replied him when i am free (that means one or 2 replies per hour). as the conversation progressed, he started asking more explicit questions. i didn't really engage in the conversation as i was working and i believed he sensed my unwillingness to do so and he started telling me about himself - how he enjoys sucking, pleasuring people, etc etc etc. for some reasons, it felt like he was trying to impress me and through the day, he kept asking if he can meet up with me for fun. i was at work and told him so but his messages continued to come in quite fast and furious. frankly, it was quite flattering to get such interest from someone his age. it was not until about 5.30pm when i replied and asked if he's into mature men... cos i said "i am one". i shared that many are looking for young men in grindr and i am not exactly young (as could be seen from my profile pic). i said i wanted to be upfront to avoid any discomfort in the conversation or in the eventuality that we do meet up.

that was when he took a pause and asked - how "young" are you? i simply replied "51". i continued composing my next message to ask if he's ok, but before i could even finish composing my message, i got blocked by him. frankly, it came as a surprise, considering my photo was in full view, and he had, through the day been overly enthusiastic about wanting to know me and to see me. but after the momentary surprise, i simply brushed off this person. not my fault for being myself. too bad he has the mental block about older guys. his loss...

:-)

encore melaka

made a weekend trip with my friends to melaka to watch "encore melaka". was rather disappointed by the whole experience...

frankly, i think melaka is not ready for such a performance. the production was positioned and touted as a high-end performance that brings out the origins and culture of melaka. my friends and i decided to dress up for the performance - just like how we would do if it was a performance in the singapore esplanade or the sydney opera house.

i started feeling something was not right when we arrived. many were dressed very casually - in round neck t-shirt and berms. there were even a few who looked like they were dressed for the wet market. and we got the brunt of the bad behaviour when the show started and people starting clapping for no reasons. to make it worst, a lot of people in the audience whipped out their mobile and video-ed the performance throughout the show - and they didn't even dim their mobile lights! anyway... it was such a negative experience!

but to be fair, i must say the production started off really well. the visuals, the use of technology, the drums, the performers... it was really good. the story of melaka's origin was put across superbly! then everything went downhill after that. the depiction of the nonya and babas, and the re-enactment of the peranakan wedding was a huge disappointment. there was no grace in the nonya's movements, the behaviours of the bride and groom was anything but respectful. the whole segment came off very colourful but totally flat and inaccurate culturally. things got worst as the show progressed.

the whole unfolding of scenes were bad, the sound system was inconsistent - at times too loud, and at times, there were awkward silences.

new word

i learned a new word recently - barley som

possible new role

my big boss has asked me to consider a new role that she will be creating for the company. the job scope seemed rather interesting. but being a new role and that the things this role is required to undertake, i can expect it to be superbly challenging and stressful. ironically, my boss told me she highly recommended me for this role as she felt it would give my health (and heart) a break as my current job size is superbly huge.

i am supposed to give my big boss an answer this coming week. i am half inclined to accept it for simple reason that being a new role, i have the flexibility to shape it according to how i think it should be shaped. in perspective, i had already planned to resign by end of the year cos i really want  to prioritise my health over my work, and give myself a break. so, if this new role doesn't work out, i always have the option to resign.

you think?

miserable weekend

this weekend was rather miserable for me - had the holter's device hooked onto me (to monitor my heart rate), medical check ups, long duration of being alone, loads of work piling up (but i refused to work on it given that it's weekend), etc. saturday night was not easy. had insomnia, so many things in my mind - work, personal life, people, etc... did not sleep well, or for that matter, hardly slept at all through the night. woke up on sunday at 7am feeling groggy and sleepy (due to lack of sleep). went for breakfast and do my weekly routine visits to the cemetery. came back and crashed. had my dinner alone at the nearby eatery... think i'll sleep early. gonna be a long week ahead.

i have to be cheerful! it'll be a good week!

health update

my heart palpitations has gotten somewhat worse over the last two weeks. and during this period, i saw both consultants at the national heart center (nhc) as well as by my company's panel cardiologist. and more tests... both came to somewhat similar conclusion and recommendations:

• that my heart palpitations were most likely genetic in nature (my whole family has it); and
• that my stressful environment could have played a major role to trigger it off

i was advised against taking coffee, tea, alcohol, etc and put on medication to regulate my heart beat. the panel specialist gave me additional medication to thin my blood as he wanted to have the additional safeguard against possible stroke. also, both nhc and the panel cardiologist strongly urged me to consider undergoing ablation - a simple keyhole procedure to burn off the "malfunctioning" nerves in the heart. ablation, as explained, would be the best possible cure for my palpitations but of cos it carries with it a small percentage of risk. 

i think i'll go for it.

things getting even more intense

things are work are getting so much more intense now cos the many many projects are piling. everyone is getting really anxious about whats' to come in the coming months.  to give you a hint of the magnitude of what's coming up - at least 7-8 global events, almost non-stop back-to-back, and at least one that will involve inviting a ministerial-level guest. and my boss is feeling all so horrible to have to put me through these given my current state of health. then again, there is nothing she can do about it cos the planning have all been set in motion and the events announced.

wish me luck.

ant-man and the wasp

enjoyed this show tremendously. excited to see the end-credit and the show clip. looks like the next avengers movie is gonna weave this show and thanos together. so looking forward to it.

incredibles 2

after a decade since the release of the first incredibles, i was really looking forward to watch this. and despite the relatively slow start and somewhat uneven pace, i found the show to be really fun. and of cos the highlight of the show was the baby! such a cute boy! 

death a-calling again

once a while, you go through a period where death comes to many people around you. it happened to me in 2015/2016 where in the span of 7-8 months, i lost 7-8 people around me. these people were either directly related to me or to people within my immediate circle. during that time, i was so numbed by death’s visits that i wasn’t anymore surprised if one more bit the dust. gradually, death stopped visiting. until now...

just last week, two of my friends lost their parents and this morning, i woke up to an email from a close friend telling me she had just lose her younger son.

my heart goes out to them.