???

I don't even know where to start for this post other then I really want to write something.

Truth be told, I got to know a guy half my age in Grindr in May. We chatted and with time, I found him to be a nice down to earth person - rather immature and naive but real. He turned out to be a colleague from another division. After almost a month of chatting online, we eventually met up. It was unplanned and happened because I had to work late and he offered to buy dinner for me after his gym. We met up more often after that and became close. I later learned that he has a partner. Cut the long story short, and fast forward 3 months, he broke off with his partner and I wanted to head to KL with him to attend a wedding dinner. And that was when bee asked me quite explicitly - are you seeing someone? I came clean and he said he'll give us the blessings and let go. I didn’t know what to make of his coolness in his response but what came the following few days was bad - emotional, grieve, untainted threats/ hints of suicide, etc... just pure drama. Didn’t help that I was a soft hearted person and became an emotional wretched throughout... 

It's been 2 weeks and there was quite a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride for me - the whole process of managing a break up was made worst by my current partner's inability to even see his own break up as a break up. For that matter, his (now) ex chose to constantly text and chat with him like as though life has not changed - addressimg him “dear” and using collective terms in phrases like - if we need this or that next time... It didn't help that he (my current partner) thinks it's perfectly ok and that they're now officially like a Father-Son status instead of being partners (that's how immature and naive he is and I’m not even sure if he is making the conscious effort to draw the line clear). To me, it’s challenging to constantly be in a relationship where his ex’s presence is felt. But that's another story altogether. On the other hand in this two weeks, I learned so much more about bee from many of my friends, both straight and gay, that I had previously assumed but chose to ignore.  Most came up to me to tell me they wanted to share what they had known all these while cos they do strongly believed I had deserved better. All had the same intention - that with their sharing, they hoped I can move on better. And from their sharing, I was able to connect the dots and conclude why he had so many last minute "business trips". He has had his romps and I had mine and I am not about to take the moral high ground here. Nonetheless, it was sad to hear of all the lies and the monies involved, including how he was involved in a serious relationship with someone, brought people home, how he described me as an ex who was a military officer, how he claimed he has a condo in Changi (my house) and that he had rented it out, etc. All these happened 2-3 years back - just about the time my mum died. No need to go into details. Anyway, and ultimately, I had closed both eyes, given him the benefit of doubt, as he had chosen to come back to me at night.

I thanked my friends for their sharing. What they shared did not come as a surprise to me. I know him well enough. But it does saddens me to know he is back in his bad habits of lying and driven and consumed by material well-being. I simply told my friends that all these are in the past. Inside myself, I forgive him and I also beg his forgiveness for getting involved with someone else. It was something that was so natural, although I went through pure shit and hell to get to where I am in my current relationship. Nonetheless, I thank him for giving us the blessings. So yeah, this is one helluva freaking confusing situation I am in now. People around me being immature and naive, messiness with ex’s that refuse to fade away, learning all sorts of things that break my heart... and wondering how the fuck I can move forward in as clean and as uncomplicated manner as I possibly can.

Wtf!