i started off 2014 with the clarity that i wanted to make this year a fulfilling one. and i had put in my efforts to make it so. my gut feel was that i had achieved it in areas that was under my control. but in areas that were not, it was seriously challenging. and so, i will not be calling 2014 a fulfilling one. and reflecting 2014, i realised that "fulfilment" had been a guiding principle but cannot be an outcome given that the people around me were not necessary in sync with me in terms of what i what i want to achieve. and thus, in refraining from using the term "fulfilling" to describe 2014, i found myself in a fix as to what adjectives i could use to describe 2014. some of the terms that came to mind include "tumultuous", "eventful", "difficult", "challenging" (you get the drift), or for that matter, even the terms "in and out" - something that was suggested by a fy - a friend i had known for quite a couple of years but have never met. but reflecting on things objectively, such negative sounding terms kinda resonate with me probably due to the recency effect of the events over the last couple of weeks. and thus, i shall not use them. instead, let me use the term "intense" to describe 2014. here's why...
personal life
i got my maid on 19 dec 2013. and with her presence, i was able to cope better with looking after mum although i must say that the initial 4-5 months were rather hellish for me given the huge tensions that occurred between mum and the maid. it was really bad. i supposed it was the initial periods where both of them (and myself) had to come to terms with having a new member in the team, made worst by a mum that was mentally unsound yet wanting to exert her authority - a very clear behaviour reflective of those of towkays (or perhaps more like slave owners) over coolies that was her time aeons ago. there were times where i had to rush home from work, and to find the maid crying and my mum totally emo, demanding that the maid be sacked or the maid be punished for little things that didn't meet her expectations. but thankfully, that period came and went and the maid had gotten used to the task of taking care of mum. and with her presence, i was able to leave the house for say dinner and shows without worrying about mum. and in this aspect, i thought my personal life improved. hurray for me in this aspect. on the other hand, many events and relationship-related issues i faced this year made me reflect about my own sense of security. i realised i had been reliant on people in many aspects and that i had placed too much value in relationships. now, this is not a bad thing per se and for that matter, a very human thing. but for me, it had come to a point where i found my own happiness and well-being being affected so badly when people around me did not did not value me. for example, all these while, i kept thinking how great it would be if people around me (especially bee) can be there for me, to show care, to show concern and to pamper me. but i learned my lesson very hard in 2014 that i cannot force them to and i ended up being isolated. so for 2015, i will build personal emotional resilience to be able to stand on my own, and minimise the need to rely on others emotionally and i will continue to give myself the space/ the me-time to maintain my sanity and well-being. i will learn to respect myself and to love myself more.
mum
it was probably one of the more manageable year for me in the areas of looking after mum. and it was not because her condition improved. contrary to this, her mental health actually took a nose dive and created many tensions for me as a caregiver. symptoms of schizophrenia appeared. her forgetfulness increased. she was diagnosed to have diabetes. her respiratory capacities decreased. her mental capacities also dropped and her tantrums came rather often, etc. and everything threatened me in all aspects of my life - from my me-time, work-time, etc. but i tried as far as i could to retain my sanity. it helped a lot that i had a maid (who understood the challenges) and had complemented me in managing mum. it also helped that i was familiar with her medication and that i had learnt how to titrate the medication to suit the situation. physically, she has also weakened and this was in part due to her weight and her sedentary lifestyle. she was heavy, too heavy for her frame. and she had insisted that her legs were weak due to her op (that happened almost a decade ago). to make things worst, her mental health medications have the side effects of weight gains. and while i tried to control her diet, i had to make sure it did not affect her quality of life (food-wise). otherwise, i thought she fared relatively well compared to previous years, judging by the very few incidences of hospital stays. for the year ahead, i will do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space. i foresee this to be an increasing challenge but i will need to do it to retain my well-being.
bee
i said i wanted to work with him to see how best we can make our time together meaningful and that was done as much as i possibly could. but it turned out that he was the key source of periodic tensions throughout the year. and the intensity of these tensions increased tremendously over time. all these tensions were due to his overseas visits. his lack of considerations for me and his insistence to head overseas (bkk) rather frequently soured our relationship badly. the year ended with me momentarily declaring myself single. but i have decided to give him another chance. could this be a case of horse vs horse in a horse year? that horse people will meet with lots of issues as this is the year of clashes with our tai sui. this would be a good excuse for my tensions - that all things being equal, blame it on the stars. but these things have happened and what i want to do is to forgive and move on. but having said that, it is very hard to forget something that have hurt me to the point of almost killing me. so, as i move ahead in this relationship, i want to work at reclaiming my space and i want him to know it. moving into 2015, the ball is in his court and if he fails to observe his promises to me, i will end the relationship. and this is not a threat, it is a fact. so my efforts in this relationship for the coming year is that i will play my part as a partner. it takes two hands to clap and if the other hand refuses to, i cannot help it. to me, this is a very down-to-earth and realistic approach to relationships, based on respect, care and concern, and considerations for each other, and not based on ideals of love and the belief that one must always be happy and whatever.
sapphie
at 14, sapphie is now a grand old dame of a dog. she was perhaps the luckiest amongst everyone in the household. she did not suffer any illness this year and had had all her routines well taken care of. she continued to enjoy the attention of people around her. it occurred to me that i had also considered her in many of my routines. and this came clearly when i found myself avoiding activities when i had the choice when mum was away, all because i wanted to ensure she's looked after. anyway, one thing was clear, she had weakened physically in 2014. she now finds it hard to take long walks and ends up panting life crazy. and she trips when she goes for slow jogs with me. i attribute all this to her age. she is no longer a puppy although she still have the tendency to want to behave like one, then to stumble and fall. it was quite funny actually. for mongrels, the average lifespan is 15-16 years and this set me thinking - will she leave us 2015? i certainly hope not, but if it happens, i celebrate the fact that she has had a good life. something that perhaps other dogs can only envy. (doesn't it sound funny for me to use a human eye to interpret a dog's view of ideal life? haha...) so for the coming year, i will continue to provide care for her and to give her the attention she needs. having said this, i will bear cognisance of the need to have a delicate balance with other spaces i have to manage, and that includes that of mum and myself. and if she dies, i will give her a proper and respectful send off.
siblings
with no expectations, i had no/ minimal disappointments. am still not talking to my eldest sis. as for my second sis, i had left her on her own and did not ask for anything from her. she kept her obligations and continued to help out, finance-wise and once a blue moon, visited mum. as for my brother, it continued to be one where there was mutual understanding and where we do not intrude into each other's space unnecessarily. similar to second sis, he observed his obligations towards contributing to mum's upkeeping. mum's reduced frequency in hospitalisation also helped smoothen out the relationship with him. and by virtue of the very close relationship i had with his kids, i had taken on the role of an elder in his household and by default, the unstated tasks of taking care of his kids whenever extra help was needed (such as when my nephew was hospitalised and i had to sleep with him in his hospital bed as they got about settling other stuff and looking after their elder kid) fell onto me. for 2015, i will continue to play my role as a brother/ uncle and i will continue to have no expectations of my siblings.
health
i didn't fare as well in the areas of health this year. much as i kept my tempo in my physical fitness and observe reasonable dietary habit, i had quite a few health scares in 2014. this was on top of the multiple occasions where i suffered a relapse of my depression. and they came one after another non-stop. there was issues relating to kidney stones, reflux, plantar fasciitis/ swollen and painful soles etc. and as part of treating these issues, i underwent the procedure to remove kidney stones sometime mid-year. it was something i really hope not to go through anymore in future. but the silver lining of all these procedures were the clarity that i did not have any cancer (as yet). i ended the year with some outstanding medical tests to be done within the next 1-2 months of 2015 including a scope of my stomach. given that my family had a history of cancer, i have been considered to be in the high risk group. so... for 2015, i will continue to exercise and learn to relax. diet-wise, i will ensure a good balance between eating what's good vs what's nice (that may not necessarily be good for health, heh heh).
work
i achieved my aims of strengthening my team and deepening our professional relationship. it was indeed a great achievement for me, but i had the regretful task of having to send her off following her resignation in oct 14. her resignation reflect the tumultuous and intense work environment that happened in office this year. it was superbly challenging. the company did not do well amidst challenging business environment, the ceo resigned after restructuring the business, a new ceo came in, the company was downsized and almost 25% of staff left (voluntarily or otherwise), my dynamic and well-loved chief was asked to leave, the next level leader took over unwillingly and within a few weeks of assuming the role, resigned. significantly, the removal of my chief shook the department and one after another started to look for opportunities outside. the lack of effective leadership saw the whole department falling apart. one after another, key people in the department left. i myself almost left following an offer by a bank. the offer did not materialise regretfully although on hindsight, it was a blessings as i learned that the internal environment was superbly challenging due to people-related/ relationship-related issues. so, yeah, 2014 was terrible for me in terms of work. i now have a new boss. i am still feeling him out but one thing seemed clear to me, for 2015, i will evaluate my fit relationship-wise, my development opportunities as well as my progression. relationship with boss is one factor, but importantly, my development and my fit is equally important. i will certainly make conscious efforts to develop myself professionally this coming year. and if my current company is not able to provide development opportunities and growth, i will change job, even if it means i have to work somewhere farther away from home.
friends
i have continued my efforts in engaging my friends in 2014. and i supposed many have come to terms that i have to look after my mum and they have considered my needs when they planned for any meet-ups. in addition, i have also maintain good contacts with my online friends. these friends continue to provide the support to me when things get challenging. and to these friends, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. for 2015, let's keep the relationships going and i will make more efforts to meet up.
bloggers/ blogging
blogging was one of the key highlights for 2014. i started the year with the objective to continue blogging. and i did that, and more. i surpassed all my previous years in blogging entries for the year. i achieved an average 2 entries per day for 2014. then again, this achievement also reflect the increased frequencies of events that impacted me, both positively and otherwise, this year. my blog statistics perhaps is the ultimate quantifiable figure that reflected the intensity of the year. but from another perspective, it also showed that my life 2014 had been one very interesting one. for next year, i will continue my efforts to capture my life and experiences.
in conclusion, 2014 had been an intense year for me in almost all aspects of my life. and when all the tensions coincide (such as health, mum and bee), i hit a state of near collapse. it occurred several times, most recently just last week. it was regrettable that i had to cap 2014 with a high degree of negativity but reflecting objectively, i had had a reasonably good journey. enlightening to a great extent. learning from my lessons in 2014, it looked like for 2015, the theme for it would be for me to lead a more balanced life, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more.
happy 2015 everyone!
