mum's new phone

bought a new phone for mum last saturday from 7-11 after her existing nokia faced problems with  charging. the new phone is a locally produced elderly phone. it comes with huge number pads and the features it has resemble those first generation nokia phones. nothing complicated but enough that served her needs. but sighs, as of today, she has not gotten used to the phone and still doesn't know how to unlock the screen lock. also, she is not used to the new ring tone and keeps missing calls.

but the good side of things is that she doesn't call me these days (cos she is still not used to it) and i am not worried about having missed calls from her. anyway, let's hope she gets used to this new phone soon.

:-)

stabilised

smsed m.y. today and learned that his mother is a lot better now compared to the critical state she was in a couple of days back. and similar to bs's dad, it was a result of complications following an angioplasty procedure.

do hope she recovers quickly.

:-)

bs's dad got discharged

got the sms from bs's sis today. glad he has recovered sufficiently to be discharged. let's hope he recovers fully and regain his strength fast.

:-)

blah blah

woke up feeling blah. whenever he goes overseas, he gives me this huge blahness. things i don't like about when he goes overseas...

• always tell me at the last moments, sometimes as late as a few hours before trip
• constantly non-contactable when overseas, often will not answer calls, no replies to missed calls, no smses, no replies
• refusing to share flight details and who he's going with
• always happen on holidays in mid-week and stretching over the weekend

he is a huge part of my life and that his physical closeness is a huge support to me. you can say i am insecure, etc but his lack of pro-activeness in informing me and keeping in contact when such trips occur is not helping, and for that matter, making the whole tensions worst.

wtf.

mum & voices

i was feeling rather down and pissed after bee's call about the last minute arrangement to go overseas (yes, bangkok again) when mum called me. it was about 5.15pm and she asked if i am heading home yet and claimed she was hungry.

naturally, i packed up quickly and got home in no time. 

and once i reached home, she seemed unhappy and asked me why i came home so late. i was a little surprised by this question. i usually knock off about 5.45-6pm and would arrive home 6-ish but it was not even close to 6pm when i reach home. i simply told her i had not knocked off and she said something like this...

someone told me your office worked half-day today. 
so how come you are not home yet.

this feedback got me all flustered. once again, there is the "someone" that tells her about me. i asked who this someone was, and she said she did not know, but insisted that this someone is telling her the truth. but as i demanded to know who this someone was, she changed her lines and simply said she was merely asking if my office practices half-day work today given that tomorrow is deepavali.

i was so totally pissed off. both bee's last minute overseas trip and mum's behaviour spoiled my day thoroughly. i was in no mood to make dinner and brought her out instead. and as i did so, i reflected on the incident. and it struck me, could she be hearing voices in her head? 

i don't know. i just want to sleep now.

taken leave

it will be deepavali in singapore. it will be a public holiday and becos it occurs in the middle of the week, many of my colleagues had taken opportunity to go an extended break by taking leave since last friday. for me, i have decided to take leave this thursday and friday instead. thought i could spend some time to catch up with myself and perhaps with bee. have applied for this this morning but now, i am wondering if i should cancel my leave. 

bee called me this afternoon to tell me he needs to head overseas to assist in an event. once again it is a last minute thing. i can forever not understand how he always get activated last minute. events are planned way ahead and he should have been informed ahead of time. also, i always notice these "events" always happen when there is a holiday middle of the week and he would be required to be there from the start of the public holiday till the following monday.

it has happened again and again and again.

not in the mood for any leave now.

damned.

falling sick

i think i am falling sick. 

been feeling very tired these couple of days. added to that, i keep feeling very thirsty and i have once again developed 2 small ulcers. these are clear signs of dehydration. arghhh. been drowning myself with water and let's hope the ulcers do not grow and join to become a huge one. if it does, i will be in for a painful experience again.

sighs... 

east coast food village

decided to bring mum to the east coast food village last evening. the place has been known to be very crowded becos of its good spread of different local fares that include fried oysters, barbequed chicken wings, hokkien mee etc. these were all mum's favourite. 

i had not visited the place since many years back. last i knew, the place was renovated and had been made a lot more spacious. so, it seemed a logical place to go given that mum is wheelchair bound. but i was utterly disappointed. the place was indeed more spacious, but what i noted was that there were too many stores selling the same stuff. worst of all, the standard of the things had dropped tremendously. 

i will probably not head there for any dinners anytime soon.

lion the victim

i watched a documentary yesterday and for once in a very long time, i was impressed by how it was shot. or for that matter, how it managed to capture a scene were the lion was killed by a herd of bulls.

apparently, the scene started with how the lion tried to kill a bull. it did not succeed and ended up with the bull running off in fear. the sudden attack resulted in the herd running in a frenzied and chaotic manner. and so, to safeguard itself from being trampled by the herd, the lion had to climb up a tree. the poor lion grabbed onto the branch for his dear life. soon enough, the herd of bulls calmed down and the lion decided to make a second attempt at one of the bulls.

this time, the bulls were prepared. as the lion bit one of the bull, the bull used his hind legs to kick the lion. and as he did so, the lion loses his grip and fell. immediately the herd turned against the lion and continuous head butt him with their sharp horns. it was pure brutality on the part of the bulls. they pierced and trampled onto the lion simultaneously and you could see how the lion struggled as it was being tossed and trampled non-stop. soon enough, the herd stopped and the scene showed a lion, almost dead on the ground. 

it was really interesting. in my years of watching documentaries, this was the first time i see a predator killed by its prey. and for that matter, a herbivorous prey. i couldn't comprehend my emotions that very moment cos on one hand, i was cheering the bulls on as they managed to overcome their natural adversary, yet on the other hand, i was pitying the poor lion as the bulls reacted to him. i could see the fear in his face and almost heard his screams. this was what i could term - cognitive dissonance. in all sense.

i was in awe.

people telling lies

one of the things i really dislike about people is when they tell lies. and especially when they do so so blatantly. here's one such incident that happened that gave me a very bad impression of the person, for that matter, the group of people... and for that matter, the fact that they are from prc. really regretful that they were from prc, but they do reinforce the perception that people from china are rude, behave badly and really not truthful. here's the story.

my colleagues and i decided to head out to one of the shopping centre for lunch last friday. and we decided to try this particular asian kitchen outlet given that we have not tried it before. we walked in and we were greeted by one of the staff (who happened to be from prc, judging by his accent). we told him we had 4 persons and he quickly ushered us into the restaurant itself. being a very small place, almost all the seats were taken except one particular corner where there was a table with 2 empty seats.

it so happened that the adjacent table (with two empty seats too) had been pulled towards a group of 4 people who were happily having their lunch. looking at the situation, the restaurant staff wanted to join the two tables to make space for 4 of us. as he did so, a guy at the table of 4 shouted at him and said they are expecting one other person. and looking at how they are already almost done, the staff asked if they could release the table and that he would make space for their "one other person" to sit facing them. he explained nicely to them that the table is for 2 and since they only have 1 guest, he could provide them an addition chair for this guest. quickly, and almost instinctively, a lady from the table interjected, no, no, we are expecting two persons. not one. since when we said one? everyone of us, including the staff, knew the lady was lying as her friends turned to her momentarily and stared at her as she reiterated, we are expecting two persons! we shook our heads and the staff had not choice but to give in to her. 

thankfully, one other table of 4 left at that moment and the staff quickly made space for us at that table. we went on to have our lunch and we betted amongst ourselves that there would at most be one other person that would arrive. and true enough, only one came. it was such a blatant lie. we felt so totally disgusted by that whole incident. such a disgrace to the lady. and by extension (perhaps unfairly), to her friends, and her country.

awkward silence

i self-declared a day off for myself and headed to town to meet the headhunter today.

and it was such a small world cos as i walked to the headhunter's office, i chanced upon my ex-head (who had referred me to the bank's opportunity). and he was walking with (guess what?) the bank head that interviewed me and that created a huge huge huge boo boo that ended with me being offered but offer retracted.

anyway, we were walking in opposite directions and it was impossible to avoid the meeting. and when the band head saw me, he tried to avoid me. but it was too late. my ex-head had seen me and he called out to me. and i felt a short moment of awkward silence and i thought he felt it too for he quickly bade me farewell and we parted ways.

:-)

headhunters

will be meeting up with a headhunter tomorrow.

this headhunter was recommended by an ex-colleague from my previous employment. they have seen my resume and want to talk to me. apparently there is a post that they want to pursue with me. but from the email, i think its not something i'm keen. then again, i'll be meeting them and see how. it's always important to work closely with headhunters. you never know what other openings they have.

:-)

post-angioplasty complications

for the second time today, i got news of this.

first it was bps's dad, and later this afternoon, i got another message from lp. my's mum had a heart attack and she underwent an angioplasty procedure yesterday. she developed complications after the op and is currently in critical condition. he has since flew home to be with her. the next 24 hours or so will be important for her.

yet, again, i have another friend whose parent is ill. 

let's hope she pulls through.

new blog milestone

without realising it, i crossed my annual blog entry record today. previously, i clocked an all time high of 577 entries in 2012. and i crossed that mark today. for that matter, this is the 581st post for this year. if i were to continue my current frequency of blogging, and by extrapolation, i should be able to reach about 700 postings for this year.

this worked to an average of close to 2 blog postings a day.

well, i supposed i surprise myself once again.

heh...

write for sg50?

had been asked to pen a 1200-word article about secondary forestry in singapore. to be specific, about a location in the training grounds of the saf that every singaporean son who had served national service will know about. the article is meant to be part of a commemorative book to be published as part of celebrations for singapore's 50th independence anniversary next year.

well, i declined the invite.

i had no desire to partake in this whole celebrations for a start. admittedly, i still harbour the negative vibes after the being "killed" for my sexuality in 2005. people have chided me somewhat and just told me to move on and not imprison myself. well, i do not see how i can possibly do it so easily. perhaps it is a case of passion/ love for an institution turning into hatred/ intense dislike for it. am not sure how to describe it, you probably need to be in my shoes to fully appreciate my feelings. anyway, i decided not to write. i had no desire to do it and was totally not keen to subject myself to the stress given the tight timeline. i like to write (as you can see from my blog) but to have to write for something/ someone under a deadline, it's kinda a turn off. 

:-)

rewrite - the movie

bee bought tickets for the movie "dracula - the untold story" last evening but in the end we decided to change the tickets to "the rewrite" instead. he had read about the review of dracula and it didn't come across as anything fantastic. and as for me, i don't fancy anything dracula actually... and i was not very much in the mood for anything less than easy and light after mum's reaction to my outing. 

and so, he chose the show "rewrite". the posters indicated it would be a comedy and since i wanted something light, he thought it fitted my criteria. well, we didn't know what to expect when we walked in to the hall early and waited. actually, we both felt tired. it had been a while since we watched any midnight shows. all too soon, the show started and we realised we were the only ones who had booked the show! haha...

the show was about how an academy-winning scriptwriter of days gone had to accept the job of a university lecturer as he couldn't get any jobs, his experiences as he taught he students about writing scripts for a movie and how through the process, discovered himself a little more. simple show, but to me really flat. the acting was hardly competent and the storyline, boring. we contemplated walking out halfway during the show but decided to stay on since we were the only ones. 

but yeah, it was still a break from home.

:-)

colouring mum's hair

just dyed mum's hair this morning. she looks a lot more refreshed now!

:-)

bs's father

my best friend had returned to singapore two days back from his thailand work trip. he returns to the states this evening. and i learned that his dad is in hospital for an angioplasty procedure. will find time to visit him. i guess people of my generation are in the stage of life where our parents are elderly and will face health issues frequently.

let's hope his dad recovers fast.

madam & steve

just a nonsensical thought during the week when i recalled how some people vehemently resisted homosexuality by saying how god created "adam and eve and not adam and steve". if there is a god and he had created the first two persons, he probably had to make a choice by taking the middle path and create 2 persons physically but build in genetically the potential for them to express themselves differently (mendel's theory comes to mind!). and from that perspective, to depict the two persons as "adam and eve" is probably only part of the story. perhaps it would be appropriate to refer to them as "madam and steve". and the permutations would probably include...

madam and steve

(m)adam and steve

madam and steve

madam and (st)eve

madam and steve 

ok, i was just too free to think of such things... writing them out now, i feel a little stupid. as a person of science, i don't believe in a super being called "god" in the first place.

haha!

busy week

been a busy but fulfilling week.

have not felt so for a very very long time. and last week, i decided that i need to kick myself a bit and thus planned for a couple of activities in nov. also decided to do a mid-year consolidation for my area for the company. no requirement to do it, but thought it would be useful when we start to do budgeting for next year in 2-3months time. 

and with this, both my staff and myself got busy. and she felt very good about it. it was something that we have not felt for a very long time. and frankly, the teamwork was so seamless we were able to do lots of stuff without the need for briefings and another. it was like clockwork. and it felt good. and interestingly, amidst the new tasks we created for ourselves, the top man wanted to conduct a companywide town hall. and guess what, once the direction came, we got everything settled and co-ordinated within 15mins! easy peezy.

that was how effective we were as a team! to a small degree, i felt a little sense of regret when my staff reflected - well, we needed to work out the details and it took us quite an effort to organise a town hall when we first started, but now, it was so easily done. she had formally tendered and will be leaving by year-end. then again, positively speaking, and not from a corporate-speak angle, i am glad she had had a good and learning experience with me. she had grown and matured professionally in this one and a half year and from a personal front, i am glad she is moving on.

:-)

gay halloween? no!

i went for my routine nightly exercise last night and decided to stop by the business park to do some stretching. and something happened that freaked me out big time! the place was relatively dark and quiet and halfway through my stretching, i noted someone walking into the park. he walked slowly and with a slight limp. from the silhouette, it was cleared he wore a white cap and a long arabic-looking black gown. he walked with a slight limp and seemed a little hunchback. it reminded me of the character from the notré dame show. but i did not give a second look and continued my stretching.

next thing i knew, this guy limped his way to where i was and sat on the bench beside me. at this distance, i can see his facial features better. he's obviously chinese, and his whole body looked bloated. he had a black eye, similar to someone who had been punched and his facial features resembled a person with down's syndrome. it was a little scary to me to see such a physical appearance in a dark and quiet place. but what freaked me out big time was that he smiled at me, and in a low eerie-sounding voice, offered to give me a blow job. i refused and moved to another bench. he followed and this time, he went further, he reached towards me with his hands and asked again.i had goose pimples when he did that. again, i said no, and i returned to the original bench. once again, he followed and this time, he half-pleaded. just once, just once, he went as he raised his finger (like how e.t. did when he wanted to phone home).  i will give you a very good one, he insisted, just once. i didn't respond further and i simply walked away.

now, i do not discriminate against people with down's syndrome and my reaction to this person was not becos of it. but the experience of chancing someone dressed this way in a dark corner was a little too much for me. also, his actions intruded into my space and i strongly felt he needed to give himself some respect. i related this to a friend and he teased me that halloween had arrived early for me. but no, this was not the same as halloween. the guy was not in a costume nor was he acting. it was real.

yikes!

physiotherapy

i went for a physiotherapy session today to treat my plantar fasciitis.

and wohhh... it was one helluva painful and aching experience. i was made to tiptoe as part of the treatment and i can tell you this, you never know tiptoeing can be so difficult! wohhh...

am i glad i am not a woman and that i do not need to wear high heels!

lol!

char siew pow

lately, i have been eating quite a bit of char siew pow (barbecue pork buns)

and i simply love it! especially when the barbecue pork is moist and juicy and when you bite into it, you get a total sensory experience. where you get to smell the fragrance of the meat and its seasoning, taste the sweet and savoury flavour of the seasoning and feel the nice warm juice as it squirt out of the bun when you bite it. and it would really be the icing on the cake if the barbecue pork was done such that there are bits of charred edges on the pork.

yumzzzz...

lol!

simplify your life

a friend texted me this morning. 

he said he felt guilty about not using the visa card particularly when the bank had waived his annual fees. to me, it was kinda weird. i thought, if you feel guilty about it, then you have the choice of stopping the subscription right? and so i asked why don't you simply stop the membership? keep your life simple. with less things, you give yourself less stress. no?

well, to me it was simple as that. but when i got his reply, i was kinda taken aback. it went if i stop the subscription, i will feel even more guilty cos the bank had waived the charges. i didn't reply further. he has gone into the cycle of damned if you do, and damned if you don't do...

sad for him. but that was him. he is a huge pessimist and regardless of whatever positive thing you tell him, he will see it negatively. his life is driven by fear and pessimism. and often, he would tell me about how he has been living a life of guilt, of being punished by god. i feel sad for him but well... he needs to get hold of himself and turn his life around, if he wants to be happy.

so... back to this basic principle if you want to have a happy life:

simplify it, don't think too much.

nice & hot

the weather these days have been terribly hot. and for a sun-loving person like me, days like this are best spend at the...

swimming pool!

lol!

cognitive dissonance

cognitive dissonance - talking to a feminine petite sized lady and out came the hoarsest voice you can imagine, or talking to a big macho rugged man and out came the squeakiest voice you can imagine.

well, i have not experienced the former, as for the latter... yes, yes, yes, and yes!

lol!

irony - mental patients

irony is when a mental patient calls another person crazy...

mental patients

visits to the mental institute has always been interesting.

apart from experiencing lots of interesting people, i also get the chance to learn lots of things.

for today, i learned that mental patients are very thin-skinned, aka sensitive and insecure. as a result, they can get agitated very easily and possibly turn aggressive anytime. and i said this cos as i waited for my turn to see the doctor, i heard a loud angry male voice. i turned my head and noted there was an elderly gentleman by the service counter. for some reasons, he was clearly unhappy with the staff. he was saying something like i want to see the doctor and you don't need to talk like that to me. the service staff tried to explain to him again that he needed to wait for a while more as the doctor would only arrive at 10am (it was 8-ish at that time).

next thing i knew, the elderly male patient got aggressive and shouted angrily at the service staff. by then, the security personnel, staff nurses, etc had gathered around him and tried pacifying him. it was quite a scene. and then suddenly, the elderly man broke down and started crying like a little boy. and just as quickly, the staff nurses and the security personnel ushered him to a room. 

it was kinda a surprising twist of event for me. the whole incident reminded me of my mum. 

her moods can change suddenly and she can be just as emotional.

it's such incidents that keep me on my toes all the time.

mental patient?

i was at the mental institute this morning to collect mum's medicine. and as i waited for the doctor's arrival, i spoke with the nurse. she was very nice and chatted with me saying how good i look and has a nice frame but need to watch my weight yadda yadda yadda. after seeing the doctor, i went back to the same nurse to make a new appointment.

she took a look at the card and exclaimed: oh, this is for your mother and not for you ahhh? ...

i wondered what was on her mind when she spoke with me earlier...

lol!

once an elder, always an elder

my cousin came to the house to pay a visit to mum.

he was one of the very few who would drop by once every couple of months to check on her. and i usually do not tell her of the visit until closer to his visit cos i didn't want her to get anxious. anyway, his visit came and went. and during the visit, it was so very clear that mum really had a "once an elder, always an elder" mentality. as usual, i sat quietly by her side as they chatted. and she went on and on, question after question, asking him details of his life. details that she consistently asked me. the following were some of the questions she asked:

• where do you work now?
• what time do you wake up?
• how come you wake up so early?
• what time do you work until?
• etc

it was kinda interesting to listen to their conversation. and my cousin clearly played along. i supposed the fact that he knew how to handle an old person with signs of dementia as his father-in-law is also suffering from dementia. so, he entertained her queries and went along with the conversation even when the topic went a little off, such as, "your mother came to my dream and tell me to take care of myself..." and he went "i supposed you dream about her becos she has some message for you." it was rather clear. he was "entertaining" her. but it was with good intention that he did that. could see my mum was cheerful as she was superbly chatty during the hour-plus that he was here.

:-)

generalist vs specialist

went for an interview last thursday.

it was a japanese company. not too keen before i went. nonetheless, i decided it would be useful to give myself a chance to look at opportunities. the interview went smoothly. the local incumbent spoke to me in the presence of his japanese function reporting manager. it was kinda interesting cos throughout the interview, only the singapore guy spoke while the japanese guy sat, took notes and just smiled. he seemed very cordial and accommodating.

the scope of the job sounded very broad. lots of new areas of go into and learn if i were to accept this position. if i were to take on the job, it would expand my coverage from a specialist to a generalist. challenging to a certain extend in that sense. they sounded sufficiently happy with me and asked me to think about it. no rush from what i can see. they will get back to the headhunter after 2 weeks. if both parties are keen, the next stage would be to meet the md based in singapore.

i walked out of the interview feeling like its a potential for a new beginning. other than that, i did not feel as excited as i did when i went for the first interview with co a.  have updated this to my headhunter and told him i am still open to further talks if they are keen. will keep my options open as of now...

:-)

single (unmarried) child as caregiver

nothing bitter about it, but just stating it as a fact - the single/ unmarried (many a times, gay) child of a family almost always end up looking after the parent when they grow old. this was what i saw of many of my friends (and myself). 

without thinking too deeply about this, can i say that this development perhaps help contribute to the sustenance of gay genes in the population? that lineages with gay genes in the family tend to survive better as a family. that the gay-family member is part of nature's way of relieving the stress of having an old person in the family that would otherwise be a strain on the straight off-springs? and through this, straight members of the family that carry the recessive gay genes continue to pass this gene to future generations...

ok, ok... my mind running a little off for the moment. all things being equal, and from my observation, maybe it is a blessing to have a single child after all...

:-)

friend requests in fb

reflection and question of the day for me - why do you add me if you do not post status updates in your fb? this question was post to me by an (old) friend whom i had reconnected recently and whom i had added in facebook. he accepted my friend request but saw nothing in my facebook status updates. pre-empting questions from him, i told him to expect to see nothing in my status updates and that was when he asked me the question. i suspected he also felt cheated by this imbalance in information sharing for after all, we access people's facebook to read their status updates and to get a glimpse into their lives. that was how i framed his reaction when he asked me the question above.  

but his question set me thinking...

of cos, my initial response to him was - so that i can keep in touch with him, but thinking further, i could think of a few reasons and these include (1) i could stalk him, haha... no la, i meant, so that i could be posted about things that happen in his life, or (2) so that i can have a repository of friends. 

frankly, for the first, it was not really the main reason cos i do not have the habit of checking out people's postings. i did that for my previous attempts in facebook but found it to be rather stressful and sometimes very disappointing. it was so difficult and stressful to be blasted daily with views that differ so significantly from mine. and i end up feeling very disappointed with my friends. i guess we have this hidden desire for our friends to share our same thoughts. no? the second reason was probably why i chose to add friends despite not using facebook the "conventional way", and that is - to have a repository of friends. a repository that allow me to keep in touch as and when i want to. not much different from having a phonebook in that sense. haha...

well, since i am talking about fb and friends, i do also want to add that i do not request for friends unless i feel there is a certain level of connection. and on the same token, i do not accept requests readily. i do so only for people whom i have the desire to add. 

:-)

plantar fasciitis

plantar fasciitis is not a brand of margarine.

haha... it is a condition known commonly as jogger's heel. according to wikipedia, it is "a disorder of the insertion site of ligament on the bone and is characterized by scarring, inflammation, or structural breakdown of the foot's plantar fascia. and it is often caused by overuse injury of the plantar fascia, increases in exercise, weight or age". so yup, that was what was diagnosed by the specialist at the hospital this morning when i went to check my painful sole. and to manage it, i have been scheduled for physiotherapy as well as some stretching exercises. in addition, i have also been referred to the podiatrist to review the arch of my feet and to assess if i need to change my orthotics.

heh heh. i supposed all these are signs of age catching up. no need to panic, just need to manage it.

:-)

learning from social media

i was listening to the radio this morning and the deejay went on quite a bit about how one should not use social media, how one should show courtesy to people they interact with by not checking their smart phone during a conversation, etc. and as they talked, they also bitched about how people tend to want to feed their ego by posting selfies in social media, by tweeting what they eat, where they go, etc. and as they spoke, my mind started drifting. i started thinking of how social media could instead help us develop ourselves.

that as we use social media. we should, rather than use it in a narcissistic manner of capturing every possible moment/ selfies to feed our ego, make it into a tool for self-development.

and i say this becos i see the potential and for that matter, benefited by using it that way. specific case in point is my blog. by keeping my habit of blogging, i was able to look at my posts over time, note the trends of my postings (by tagging them according to themes). and from this, i was able to see areas of myself that i never know i have in me. i was able to see myself from a different perspective and from there, learned more about myself. often my blind areas emerges. and this self-awareness allowed me to proceed to the next step - self-management. for example, i found my "wtf" was super high compared to say "lol". it suggested to me that i had been overly pessimistic. and with this realisation, i started to remind myself to see things from a positive point of view. so... yeah. we can blog and use social media blindly and be sentimental over our posts. but i would suggest our postings, over time, provides a very useful wealth of data for us to learn about ourselves.

we should make full use of this data.

:-)

death

today, i send words of encouragement to dan. it was the funeral of his dad and i wanted to boost his morale at the time of the cremation. not too long after that, as i scrolled my friend list in my phone, i learned that another friend's dad had passed away exactly a month ago. i felt the immediate need to send my condolences to him. he was, after all, someone whom i had been rather close to in the mid-90s. and after that, for unknown reasons, i decided to check the status update page in my facebook, just to find out that another friend's mum passed away yesterday. 

it was uncanny. i do not usually scroll my friend list nor check my friend's status updates in facebook. and i don't know what came over me, as i composed my messages to these friends, i felt a lump in my throat and i teared a little. maybe it's becos i learned of the news altogether and the magnitude of it affected me. i could almost feel their pains as they mourn their loss. much as i have learned to better celebrate life than to mourn death, it still hits me when it happens. death, just like birth, is a reality and we must not be consumed by it when it comes.

i wish my friends strength during this moment of grief.

panties

i was reminded of this event that happened some years back... i had thought about it but till now, i still have not gotten a good answer for this - in a public bus, do you or do you not tell a lady standing in front of you that her fly is open and her pink polka dotted panties is staring at your face. and if the answer is tell, how?

and yes, this incident actually happened to me!

:-)

coming-out, my definition

this post is an adaptation of one of my responses to a comment by a reader sometime back. he had shared his name with me and i appreciated it. it was not something i would do when i first tip-toed into the gay scene back in the mid-90s and it reflected the start of his journey of coming-out as a gay man. anyway, i wanted to make this post as i wanted to re-capture my thoughts about this thing called "coming out". this is a phrase that had been over-used but under-understood, to me at least. to most people, "coming out" is as simple as telling someone they are gay. and i believe all of us have used it in that manner at some point in time. i have. i mean, there are no other terms that better describe such an event right? short, sharp, succinct, and hey, almost everyone will understand it. no? i vaguely remembered writing about "coming out" some long time back. i donno. anyway...

but yes, this blog entry is for arvind.

i wrote this comment when he decided to share with me his name. i really appreciate and respect him for doing that. by identifying himself to me, he has acknowledged his existence as a real person. and it is not often that people do that, especially when they are still closeted. as for me, i did not dare use my real name when i first entered the scene in the 90s. i started by being anonymous, and then went on to use the pseudonym "terence". it went on for many years until i got tired of it and decided that i am who i am and that i must be able to accept myself. that moment marked my coming out journey. and today, i have found a balance between telling and not telling people about my sexuality. then again, straight people don't tell people they are straight, so why do gay people need to do so?

i believe many of us use pseudonyms becos of we want to hide behind a veil of anonymity, yet struggle with wanting to have an identity to people we interact with. the kinda "i need to protect myself vs i need to be accepted" dilemma. to do the former consistently makes life so empty. and to a large extend, the veil of anonymity could be attributed to one simple fact - that we will not acknowledge our own sexuality. and as a result, we cannot accept ourselves as gay (for most of us, subconsciously). and in not being able to do so, we impose all sorts of barriers around ourselves, with the reasons of protecting ourselves. this thought reminded me so much of the video that suggests that we gay men are often the worst victims of our own homophobia (subconsciously) becos we want to conform, we want to be accepted. that the fears are being manifested in measures that are directed inwards towards ourselves. it can be very destructive many a times. for me, after acknowledging my sexuality, i heave learned to eventually accept it. and through the years, i have learned that by letting go of my fears (and barriers), i was able to eventually accept, embrace and be comfortable with my own sexuality. it's a very gradual process. ultimately, it is about finding our own balance in the way we live our lives and be confident of ourselves as a normal human being - a person who is not restricted by our sexuality. a person that is comfortable with ourselves. that, to me is how i define "coming out" now.

coming out is a process of finding and being at peace with ourselves.

seen from this perspective, i can quickly understand that there are different stages in coming out. and it start with a person acknowledging his/ her sexuality, followed by a longer duration of finding him/ herself and learning to love him/ herself. it is a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. coming out is not about telling people we are gay. that is the most simplistic definition that many gay person adopt and i think it does not do the arduous process any justice. many gay persons are at different stages of this coming out journey and thus everyone has his/ her level of comfort when it comes to opening up about his/ her sexuality. if we can accept this, we can then respect every individual's space for secrecy. 

the critical starting point of coming out, thus, is to make the first step of acknowledging our sexuality. once we do that, we must go through the learning process of finding our comfort zone - the balance between what to tell, what not to tell, when to tell, and who to tell to. this balance is dynamic and moves as we mature. what is important is that we are at peace with this point of balance. in this continuum of grey between black and white, we can have on one end, a person who is totally comfortable to tell everyone he/ she is gay and on the other end, someone who can accept his/ her sexuality but will not tell anyone unless he/ she is absolutely comfortable with it. yet, both may be totally at peace with their own level of discretion as they have found their balance. many readers of this humble self-indulgent blog of mine are gay. and i believe many have accepted their sexuality, but i cannot say the same about whether they have found their balance. i wish them well in their journey of self-discovery. as for me, yes, i have found my balance as of now. i am comfortable with it. but my journey as a gay person will continue for i learn new things about myself everyday.

:-)

dreams again

my nights had been filled with dreams recently. and although i do not really remember the specific details, i was able to list out broad themes of the dream. here're two of the dreams i had last night. these were the only two i remembered amongst the few i had.

not in sequence, but i dreamt of peeing blood. i was standing in front of a urinal to pee and it was a really long one (the piss duration i meant, lol...). the urine started off clear and then the colour of the urine turned rusty. and before long, the urine became clear and globs of bright red blood started coming out. and then i started peeing blood. pure bright red blood. kinda scary right? but in my dream, i was not afraid. i remembered i was going "here we go again"... that was the whole dream. weird right?

and in another dream, i think it was a dream within a dream. i couldn't recall the dream per se. but in the dream, i dreamt (yup, like the movie inception) something about the loss of the offer. and i woke up (still in the first layer dream), i lamented about how every one in the hr department had left and that i was the last one remaining. the dream ended there. kinda funny right?

:-)

bs, my best friend

i wrote quite a few posts about bs previously.

he has been one of my closest friend since my army days back in the mid-80s. and he's a very special friend who had been with me through thick and thin for so many years. he had been living in the states with his wife and kids since 1998 and whenever he returned, we would make sure we meet up for a drink minimally. but for some reasons lately, i somehow felt a widening gap between us. it felt kinda odd when we meet.

this was how i felt today. he's home over the weekend before he flies to thailand for an overseas assignment. i told mum a lie that i would be doing house visiting to some muslim friends in order to meet him this afternoon. and when we met, there was of cos the very warm feeling of reconnecting. it felt like we have not parted. but when we sat down for a drink, there was a moment of awkward silence. and the conversation was all over the place. admittedly, i felt the need to quickly end the meet.

i supposed we are really, and finally, drifting apart after all these years. 

hmmm...

asics gt2000

got myself a pair of new shoes. and i really don't have much of a choice. considering i have a collapse arch of my feet due to a fractured metatarsal. and so, i got what the sales guy recommended. an asics gt2000. very good with the support and the cushioning of the feet. has worked reasonably well for me these two days. nonetheless, my soles still hurt and i still face challenges walking properly when i wake up in the mornings. 

will be heading to the sports medicine this wednesday!

picture from http://www.wigglestatic.com

work pants

in anticipation of my new job, i bought 2 pairs of new work pants. and as always, i had to alter the length. also, i bought a size smaller than my current waist so that i can motivate myself to slim down a little. and also executive wear that is a little tight and fitting is so yummy right? but lo and behold, i have lost the offer and i am gonna gorge myself to death and get fat... so i won't be able to wear the pants. ok, i was joking about the yummy and the gorging part. but seriously, i need to manage my weight a little bit. always good to be a little less heavy than my current weight.

haha... 

job search status

now that co a (as mentioned in a previous post) had rejected me, my job search status is:

• co b had put me through more than 3 rounds of interviews. i have been told there will be 2-3 more to go through. and in anticipation of co a's offer, they have rushed through to put together an offer for me. i will follow through with the interviews but it is highly unlikely that i would sign up with them. for all the stuff they want the candidate to do, to report to two reporting managers, and in the capacity as an individual contributor, i thought it would be more than challenging. and to have an environment that has lots of accountability issues, it would not be realistic for anyone human to undertake that role. this is what i feel about the position as of now. can i be convinced otherwise? perhaps, i have a couple of interviews more to go through.

• separately, a headhunter had linked me up with a japanese mnc. the interview will be on this coming thursday. it will be a local role with direct influence over the regional office and in the capacity of a head of department covering both ops and development. this is interesting cos i have all these while been focusing on development and frankly, am not very into the ops role. other than this, i am also not too keen on the role as it is from a japanese mnc and i am strongly aware that japanese companies has this very very tribe-centric mentality. so...

• my ex-staff had also introduced a headhunter to me. i will be linking up with him and see how we can proceed with the job search process.

positively speaking, with co a's rejection, i am now open to more opportunities. let's see how things go. as i said, i will just take things slow. admittedly, co a and co b came about becos of the referral from my ex-boss. it took me by surprise and it was really too smooth. so smooth until i cannot really believe it. and although, i am not superstitious, the chinese almanac's suggestion for people born on the year of the horse not to do things too rashly this year. and co a's rejection perhaps is a reminder to me that i should indeed not be overly too rash about accepting it. also the chinese almanac's predictions that next year would be full of possibilities, even career-wise. and thus, i shall take a break and not be rash about it.

:-)

giving closure

the hiring manager called me yesterday. a day later than what he had told me he would call. disappointing right? if he has any idea how disappointed the rejection would be to me, he would have called me straight away and not promised to call and then only call a day later.

but to me, whether he call or not was no longer an issue. i do not need any further explanations from him. i know that he had screwed up. a senior person who screwed up for not getting the hiring protocol right and in the end resulting in me being rejected despite the offer being made. other than me, he had also told the whole team i would be joining. and as such, with this screwed up, i can only expect the morale of the team to be affected. nonetheless, it did not matter to me. i actually had a very good sleep after the whole rejection. it was simple as that. i was disappointed but i had had my closure, or at least an acceptance of what had happened, and i have decided to move on. 

and when he called, i was all so composed. he sounded totally apologetic. and he tried very weakly to explain the reasons of the rejection. he said it was due to budget review. to me, it was a very weak lie. simple as that. no one, no company would ever approve a position just to reject a person. anyway, i simply told him that i acknowledged the outcome and that i will manage my side of things. no further need to explain all the screw-ups he created on my part. he offered to introduce some headhunters to me to better manage the screw-ups on my side. i simply said i appreciated his offer and thanked him for it although i frankly do not think he will follow through with this. whatever. to me, i empathised with him too and simply want to give him his closure. i understand his difficulties and i will manage my side of things, i said. we ended the conversation within 2min. it was kinda odd, i was giving him the closure rather than the other way round, it felt. but that was how the conversation went. i was on the upper hand.

after the short conversation, i wrote an email to thank him for the opportunity to discuss the position and also to his boss to thank her for the time to chat. i thought i should walk out of the rejection with my head held high and in the most professional manner. it is their loss not to have me in their team, i told myself. i slept well last night, but dreamt a dream that lamented how most had left the hr department and i am left behind. otherwise, i will just move on. and for now, i have decided to take a mental, emotional, psychological break from this whole process that had stretched more than a month. 

i needed it. 

i deserved it. 

deal's off

yup, the offer that came in didn't work out.

i got an sms from the hiring manager this afternoon that he couldn't get approval to recruit me. i was totally speechless. for a while, i thought he was testing me and wanted to use that as a preamble before negotiating the package. after all, both he and his boss had interviewed me, put me through an external agency leadership competency assessment, wrote an email to me to formally make a offer, short of a package and the comp and ben staff had also linked up with me to request for payslips etc as proof of my current package. it was all so obstacle-free (other than the fact that the whole process was long and the wait was tiring). 

i didn't know how to react. i had told my boss about the possible offer. i had, for that matter, just spoken with him again about it this morning. and my previous chief had called me to check on the progress and she had expressed her well wishes and congratulated me, saying how smooth things had been, etc. and news had spread quite a bit about my impending departure.

and then this. but once the initial shock left, i felt a deep sense of disappointment. i spoke with my previous head who now is handling a project for them and he was furious about this outcome too. he learned that they had proceeded with the whole recruitment process without first getting top management approval for the headcount, something they should do given that the grade they were proposing for me was a senior grade. i can understand all the issues and the lack of adherence to protocol but i cannot accept. this is the hr department that i am talking about! how can the hr department commit such a basic mistake? it doesn't reflect well on them.

well, i must say i am rather numb now. numb for the fact that this whole process had been long drawn and very emotionally draining. the process was full of positivity yet intersperse with long silence.  and then this outcome. simply cannot accept. but well, i have to move on. life's like that i supposed. this is the second time such a crazy thing happened to me. first was two years ago when i was made to wait 8 months for a job after all the positive signals and endorsement up to the incoming ceo of a big company. but was told they would be using an internal candidate eventually. and i understand this to be a case of them giving in to the views of the outgoing ceo. politics. sighs.

i really am not looking towards managing my office staff now. i just want to take a good rest over this long weekend. monday is a public holiday here and it helps provide me that extra time to just cool off and blank off. 

but for now, i just wanna sleep.

chiropractor's birthday... nope

i texted my chiropractor birthday wishes on the morning of 1 oct. it is my habit to send people i am more familiar with birthday greetings in the morning. 

but once i hit send, i realised i had made a mistake. his birthday was supposed to be on the 1 nov. i had apparently left my calendar on the nov month the night before. and when i switched on my phone and check the calendar in the morning, i mistakenly assume the "1" as 1 oct.

it was actually rather embarrassing. but yeah, we had a good laugh over it. and certainly, i was sure it brightened up his day a little bit.

lol!

late dad's birthday

3 oct was dad's birthday.

i had forgotten about it until my second sis texted me and told me she remembered and was observing a moment's silence. funny. she's the only one amongst all of us who was so totally scarred by dad but she's the only one who remembered. as for me, i have already let him go. of cos, i do remember him and the memories linger but i no longer get reminded of him on such dates. i can see my second sis is still very much trying to prove to herself (and by telling us) that she remembers him. perhaps she still has many misforgivings about him within her that she have not let go.

then again, 3 oct was not his real birthday. my dad's real birthday was some time in nov. we found out after his death cos we consulted the tombstone maker who calculated his real gregorian birthdate from his lunar birthdate, which my mum said was accurate. apparently, my late-dad was smuggled into singapore from china and my grandparents hid him at him until he was 3 years old. they went on to register him with the authorities and gave a fake date of birth.

so... i guess this reinforce my strong believe that concepts such as dates, time, etc are very much human construct to create a point of reference. there is really no meaning to it and that the meaning is created and a value placed on it by us. and through this, we get attached to it. and in all reality, this attachment created the suffering that we all feeling. but when we think about it properly, the date itself is empty. 

buddhist teaching apply here as well...

:-)

speculations

after talking to my staff about her impending resignation, we both decided that it would be fair to sound out our department head. this is needed cos she has to tender these two days and my offer is likely to come in in the next couple of days. and i wanted to be fair to the company cos when both of us leaves, there will be a huge gap considering my function would be totally vacated. interestingly, after that, rumours start going around. people start asking if we are resigning. well, that was what my staff told me. i was not around as i had gone for my job interview.

anyway, after my interview and when i was in office again, i chanced upon one of the head of department and she asked me "so, is it true?" i was like, "errrr.... it what true?" i asked back. "that you'll be moving on" she replied. i nodded my head and asked her how she knew about it. i was curious cos it was only 2-3 hours ago that i had talked about it to my department head. her reply took my by surprised. she said "actually, i heard about it from someone since last week" 

wow... she heard about it, even before i told anyone! really, that is the mood in office these days. i was told that many people had expected both my staff and i to tender soon. and so, there had been lots of speculations about when we will do it since quite a while back. i learned from my staff this afternoon that my department head lamented about my moving on cos he said something to the effect that i had made a huge contribution during my time and that the company would be losing a very good person.

well, nice to hear of this endorsement. but i was reminded of something i read before - love your job, but don't love your company. you never know when the company will stop loving you.

:-)

my staff tendered

my staff finally tendered her resignation today.

but before that, i thought we had a very interesting start to the day. i started by charting out all the goals that we need to achieve this month (that's my start of the month routine). and i told her to make sure she spare some energy to list out all the processes she manages and to write them down. after that, we went for our morning coffee and i spend a relatively long time coaching her on her career progression.

funny right? a boss giving advice to his staff about how to chart out careers and about how to move forward with the new employer. i wanted to do so cos she is pondering between two offers and couldn't convince herself which is a better choice. i was glad that after the conversation, she cleared her thoughts and will be heading down to her new employer's office to sign the contract tomorrow.

:-)

another interview

i had reverted to the company (let's call it co a) about my expectations. and as i waited for this company to revert with the package proper, the second company (let's call it co b) also called me up for an interview today. 

co a will probably take a couple more days to revert given that the person who can approve any proposal is on leave and will only be back tomorrow earliest. as for co b, they are aware of my advanced stage of conversation with co a (though not in specific terms), they are trying to hurry through the series of interviews. and today, i met up with their consultant to allow him to make an assessment of me before he could generate a report about whether my personality fits the corporate profile.

after the hour-long chat, i asked a pointed question. from your point of view, do you think i can fit into the company? i was glad he gave a frank answer. he quickly said yes, but also added that since i am aware i am a reflective person and that communication is not my best skill set, then it would do me very well to manage this aspect if i want to be fully effective when and if i join them. 

but frankly speaking, between co a and co b, i had already decided to proceed with co a. the skill set and fit and expectations are somewhat more within my comfort zone. also co b requires me to report to two persons in the capacity as an individual contributor. this is not something i look forward to, considering i thrive in teams and would very much prefer to have a leadership role where i have my own team to lead.

lets see how co a revert with a package. i had been forewarned that co a has the habit of pressing down the basic salary and that if i feel strongly about it, i must be prepared to negotiate for it. let's see how things go. i am not a good negotiator but at least i had started off by asking for a larger percentage of increase. and so, if they offer something slightly lower, it would still be fine. 

heh...