mum had a fall!!!

mum fell again yesterday. i panicked when it happened, but when i was more composed and smsed my siblings about the fall, i couldn't help but laughed out loud to myself. what happened was this...

i had brought mum home after breakfast. and as usual, i parked my car near the lift to minimize the need for mum to walk. i was careful not to park at one particular corner cos she had a fall previously after tripping on the uneven flooring. after i parked, mum alighted. and as usual, i reminded her to only stand up after placing both feet on the ground. she did so and seeing that things were ok, i got out of my driver's seat and closed the car door. after closing the car door, i heard a rather loud "thud" sound. i looked through the window and noticed mum was not around. my only conclusion was that she had fallen. 

i rushed to the other side of my car and true enough, she was on lying the ground. ran over to help her up. i asked her if she had knocked on her head or any specific parts of the body. no, i landed on my kar chng (buttocks) she said. and that was when i noted that she was trying to pull something from her leg underneath her sarong. i lifted her sarong and upon looking closer, i saw her struggling to pull her panties that was caught between her feet and her sandal. it was then that i realized, and she confirmed, that she had fallen becos as she was getting up, her panties had fallen off and she had stepped onto it. apparently, she had not realized it becos she was wearing diapers and did not feel it dropping off. 

i took the panties from her and yes, it was that particular one whose rubber lining had lost its elasticity over time. the same one that i had wanted to throw away many a times but mum, being mum, had protested as she insisted "it can still be used". well, that fall presented a perfect reason for me to throw it away although she still protest on grounds that it could now be used to wipe her feet. i threw it away nonetheless. and so... 

yeah, now you know why i laughed. it sounded rather illogical, and considering it happened in broad day light at the car park, it was rather funny... and this was how my sms sounded... "mum had a fall this morning at the carpark becos her underwear dropped off, but she's alright. her diapers cushioned her fall as she landed on her butt..."

second childhood

i decided this title second childhood cos i do observe a lot of similarly between mum and babies. for example, whenever i look into my baby nephew's open mouth and see the toothless gums, i get reminded of mum... haha... but of cos, there is nothing that could beat this.

i brought mum to the bedok hawker center for breakfast yesterday and decided get you char kway for mum. there was a long queue and being afraid of mum getting anxious, i passed my iphone to her and switched on a short video clip of my 3-month old nephew. she looked at it and she started laughing and soon was talking to my nephew in the iphone video. ang-gurrrl ang-gurrrl she cooed happily. soon enough, she got so engrossed in it that she didn't really bothered when i told her i'll leave her alone. in fact, when i came back with her you char kway some 10-15 minutes later, she was still deeply engaged with the video (she had tapped the screen to replay the video non-stop while i was away).

funny right? this is no different from how parents would pass their ipad to their kids to distract them whenever they are busy...

:-)

dreams

have lots of dreams over the past few days. and unlike 2 weeks back where my dreams were generally very disturbing, those that occurred recently were rather neutral or neutral-positive. and interestingly, i would stir from my sleep immediately after the dream, reflect about it, and think about how to capture it in writing when i wake up fully in the day... but by the time i wake up, i had forgotten every contents of the dreams.

weirdly, i do remember the broad structure of the dreams and they were something like a dream within a dream (wait, can't recall that show... inception or something). but yeah, like 2 days ago, i had a very long dream. i could only recall the structure of the dream. no, it was 2 dreams. i cannot recall if they were 2 separate dreams, as in one after another, or if the second dream was a dream within the first dream. but i vaguely recalled that the first dream was quite a negative one and it involved my mum. as for the second dream, conceptually it was almost the same as the first, except that it was repeated in a very positive angle, or to be specific, a funny angle. in fact funny enough to make me wake up and think through how to blog it.

weird right? haha... but yeah, i shall not waste my efforts in trying to think too hard about the details. dreams, to me, are after all a result of an overactive subconscious mind that continued to work after we fall asleep. the events that occurred in the dreams are simply the manifestations of how we perceive and handle our daily lives. and so what's important is to live well and minimize stress.

:-) 

injured insects

sometimes i wonder if by doing what i did, i would be inflicting more pain on the insects. but i reckoned as long as the intentions are good, and i take the utmost precaution, my actions would be justifiable. and if the insects were to die in the process, it would be totally regrettable. also, i reconciled that by doing something, it would be better than not doing anything. cos by doing something, there was a chance that things might turn out good (of cos, might be bad too), but if nothing was done, i am sure things would surely turn out bad. hmm, do i make sense? i share 2 real happenings here.

two days back, at the hawker center, i found myself a seat after getting my lunch. and as i was about to eat, i noticed a housefly on the table. its innards was spilled out of its abdomen and it was dragging its body around the table with the innards trailing behind. and being wet, the innards would stick to the body of the housefly, thereby making its effort to move about very difficult. and obviously, as long as the innards was attached to the housefly, its chance of leaving the table was next to nil. and so, i decided to save the housefly. it didn't matter that houseflies are agents of sickness. after all, why blame the hosuefly if the cause of sickness is usually traced to our own (lack of) hygiene habits. anyway, i decided to cut off the innards. but i wondered if by doing so, it could survive long. nonetheless, i was sure what it was experiencing was probably more dreadful than anything else. and worst still, given its remote chance of being able to leave the table, it simply meant that it would be exposed to higher danger. someone might just come along and kill it! and so, i took out a 2 dollar note and use the edge to slice off the innards. once freed, the housefly started to walk about quite normally... ok, not totally normally, a bit slower than normal. but hey, it could move about! i continued eating my lunch and did not take much note of the housefly. when i had finished my rice, i looked around and the housefly was no where to be found. it must have flew off.

yesterday, as i was about to retire to bed, i walked into my toilet to pee as per my usual routine. and as i was about to pee, i noticed an insect upside down on the water in the toilet bowl. it was as though it was lying backwards and looking at me in my full glory! haha! then again, it was struggling to get out of the toilet bowl but couldn't cos the wings were wet. poor insect. it must have fallen into the toilet bowl. instinctively, i looked around for something to help me pick it up and decided my tweezer would do the job. managed to lift it up and shook it off the tweezer after doing so. the insect landed on my washing basin. by that time, the whole insect looked like a wrangled piece of mess. oops, i apologized. i was afraid i had killed it. but seeing the wee bits of movements, i knew it was still alive. i was not sure how long it could last. and seeing that the insect still had much water stuck onto its body, i used the tweezer to drag it a bit. oops, the insect got more mangled. aiyoh... this time round, i was sure i had injured it beyond hope. sorry, i apologized again. i tore a piece of tissue and placed the wrangled mess of the insect on it with the hope of sucking the water off the insect. nothing moved. it was just a dried mess. i left it as it was. half an hour later, i went back to take a look, expecting to see a dried insect carcass. but lo and behold, the insect was up and walking. of cos, one of its leg was injured, but it was walking! and it's wings were stretched out in its full glory. hahah... i left it to do its own physio (haha!) as it recovered itself from the trauma of falling into the toilet bowl. and by this morning, the insect was gone!

:-)

picture from http://blog.brasurespestcontrol.com/

anxious again

my impending start of my employment means that there would be a change in routines and i had expected to see mum going mental again. yup, here we go again, same old shit again... at the mental institute yesterday, i told the doctor to give me a review date in a month's time and not 6 weeks as per usual. and i did so as i had observed signs of anxiety since i told her i had accepted the job and would start work 1 apr. i thought a date closer to my start work date would help. 

and for a start, i noted her questioning of who i go out with, where i go, what time i will be coming back is increasing. these are signs of anxiety. and to make things more tense, her line of questioning is always from a rather confrontational angle. she would scream out at me and asked questions like: "you went out last night again right?" or "later, who you meeting?" or "how come you are not going to stay at home?" and all these questions even before i can utter a single word or even to tell her that hey, i will not be going out. and when i tried to convince her that i will not be going out or that i will only be going out for a while, she would then get defensive and give responses like "you wanna go out, you go lor. who am i to stop you?" this pattern had played up many a times lately. and even when i go out, she would call my siblings (according to her) that i have left her alone at home. naturally, my siblings would be very concern.. oh how can he leave you alone? they would say, according to mum. then again, i do suspect these things were not my siblings expressed sentiments but her very own.

and yesterday, things turned out a little hostile. i had to conduct an interview for an executive at a mall after office hours. and so, i left her at home. i told her i would be home about 8 or 8.30pm latest. and at 8.15pm, she called me and screamed out at me: "how come you have not come home yet!!!!!!!" frankly, i was pissed off. i have not even taken dinner and had just done an interview and here she was, screaming at me. i rushed home and she gave me hostile looks. i told her i have not taken dinner and asked if she wanted to head out to do some shopping and she replied sarcastically, "you wanna go out, you go lor, i didn't stop you. also, why you come home without taking dinner?" it was very frustrating and i chided her for making a fuss out of nothing, considering the fact that it was not even 8.30pm. and i told her that if she were to go on behaving this way, i might as well not start work. she kept quiet and sulk.

so... ya, can see she is showing signs of anxiety again.

vroom... speed vs skills!

"it's not the speed baby, it's the skills and good sense of judgment..."

i found myself uttering that to myself after seeing someone terrorize people on the road and in the end, still end up slower than most of us. what happened was that yesterday as i drove passed geylang serai towards bedok on my way home, i heard a low yet loud humming behind my car. i looked into my rear mirror and noted a a bright red sports car-wannabe revving its engine. well, i call it a sports car-wannabe cos it was a nissan coupe and i do not consider it a sports car. sports car to me would be in the likes of ferrari, lotus, lambo, and so on. but ok, let's not digress. it was post-working hours and the road was crowded. cars on the road was averaging 30-40 km/hr and moving relatively slowly. the driver was obviously impatient and continued revving his engine. 

and soon enough when we reached eunos, he overtook me. i took a quick glance and noted that it was a chinese guy. he was in his 20s. chubby. fugly. and has a cfm ah sia kia face that look so bloody yaya papaya (proud, high and mighty). he had a cigarette hanging between his lips and he seemed to be talking on the phone. i also noted the car carried a public housing car park label. well, i am not one who stereotype people usually, but this guy obviously reeked of a spoiled hdb-brad who's socially irresponsible and in a hurry to show off his car. nonetheless, i ignored him and continued my journey as did every other drivers on the road. this guy, however, spared no time to terrorize other people. once he overtook me, he sped up and without signaling tried to cut into another driver's lane. many times he failed cos the space was too tight, but whenever he succeeded, he would immediately step on his brake and that would freaked people out big time. and he continued doing so, weaving in and out of people's lanes as far as one could see. and i also noted he tried overtaking people using the bus lanes. very bad behaviour i thought. and whenever he found a clear stretch in front, he would pick up speed like no tomorrow. vrooommmm... it roared. and i heard it couple of times, and with each roar, the sound got softer.

nonetheless, as per all singapore roads, there were umpteen roadworks, traffic lights and the frequent irritating uncles who like to drive very carefully (read "s-l-o-w-l-y") on the outer lanes. and given that it was peak hours, cars had to keep off the bus lanes. when faced with such situations, experienced drivers like yours truly would know when to pick up and when to slow down and how to avoid slow uncles. and so, by the time we reach bedok, i found myself overtaking the red car as he got himself bracketed by a few other slow moving cars and trucks... and it was with this so called skills and sense of judgment that i absolutely love the feeling of catching up and overtaking the guy who drove the red sports car-wannabe.

then again frankly, i wish these people don't exist!

picture from http://www.nissan.com.au/Cars-Vehicles/370Z-Coupe/Overview

of the bird in the hand...

last week, despite deciding that the offer that came was better than those feel good factor interviews, i decided to updated my facebook with this: "one bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush?" and soon enough, i got comments from 2 of my friends... take a look at the comments below... (names changed/ shortened, pictures and hyperlinks removed to respect the privacy of my friends)

J Peace

Saturday

    

one bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush?

• Lhall and BWong like this.

• J Low: One bird in the hand.... Sounds porno leh

  Saturday at 11:42am via mobile · Unlike · 1
• J Peace:  darned! never thought it that way...

  Saturday at 11:47am · Like
• J Low: 2 in the bush is even worse! Hmm... What did you eat this morning? Or ate something wrong for lunch?

  Saturday at 11:48am via mobile · Like
• J Peace: hahhahahahah... i am so slow this morning! and yup, horrible breakfast experience... hahahaha *peace goes temple, get flower blessed and wash eyes with flower water*

  Saturday at 11:51am · Edited · Like
• J Low:  What you meant was 胜券在握，好过两手空空，是吧？

  Saturday at 11:50am via mobile · Like
• J Peace: http://www.wisegeek.org/what-does-a-bird-in-the-hand-is-better-than-two-in-the-bush-mean.htm
  

  
  

  What Does "A Bird in the Hand is Better than Two in the Bush" Mean?

  www.wisegeek.org
  

  ‎"A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush" means that having one small thing is better than taking a risk for two...

  Saturday at 11:51am · Like · Remove Preview
• J Low: Just like what I understood and replied in Chinese!

  Saturday at 11:52am via mobile · Unlike · 1
• D Lee: I love one bird in the hand 

  Saturday at 12:42pm · Like
• J Peace: 哎哟，我的朋友都很可爱咯！haha all focusing on the bird lor!

  
  

and i was like... oh dear, seemed like my message was totally missed out and everyone focused on the "bird" lor... and even then, the wrong type of bird!

lol!

picture from http://thedoghousediaries.com/2635

job search - lessons learnt

it had been an stressful job search process. and reflecting on the process, i would say there are 2 key lessons learned.

firstly, there is a need to stage this whole process. have a clear game plan when it comes to staging the job search and the interview process, especially so if there are more than one interview. if not managed properly, it will convolute one's decision-making process and stress one out. just look at how i (did not) manage the interview process between the 2 jobs. of cos, i would also say there was a little bit of luck cos if i had not had a bad back, perhaps the other company would have made the offer. and the second interview for this offer would have come a little later. but things did not turn out that way. my bad back delayed things. and so things turned out the way it did. in a way, from the company's perspective, the key thing is - strike while the iron is hot. but heh heh, in life, luck, just like hope, is not an option.

secondly, there is a need to prepare ourselves well. doing so would allow us to be in a better position to negotiate. we need to be fair to ourselves. negotiating a good outcome is a win-win thing. there is a need to do our homework before we even go for the interview. in my case, i asked for a certain amount. it was based on my gut feel of the market rate. and although i was right about it the market rate, the number i quoted was a tat at the lower end. and when the company came back with a number, i started getting greedy. and when i found out the market bracket, i wanted more and i started to think how to negotiate. it stressed me out. but the point was, i had no grounds to negotiate.the company had been fair to me. in fact, they gave me more than what i had asked for.

having said this, i am still happy. the company had been more than fair. the overall package is still better than what i had asked for. and certainly, it is more than my previous employment. 

:-)

greed

thinking through the difficulties i went through and all the stress that affected me, i can only conclude that greed is a potent cause for all my stress and suffering.

you see, one of the jobs came with an offer. the offer was a reasonable one. above my previous pay packet and would have met my basic needs and slightly more. i was ready to accept it, but i was greedy and wanted to know more about the other jobs (whose interviews had been fixed). and so i went ahead. and it turned out i felt good after the interview. and then i began to wonder if i should drop this offer and wait for the new jobs, expecting that the pay would be better, the people factor would be better, and so on... 

with this possibility in mind, i began to wonder how to maneuver myself. i started to consult friends, thought through all sorts of possibilities and got all flustered. should i reject this job, should i pressure the new company, should i try to hold back this offer or for that matter, should i negotiate for a better offer. every possible scenario went through my mind. how will i come across if i try to delay the decision, will i be seen as calculative, will i give them a bad impression, etc... the contingencies that went through my mind were plentiful. i ended up feeling all stressed up and started having sleepless night and nightmares. the whole weekend was ruined and i was a total wretched as a result.

finally, after weighing through all the possibilities, i finally decided that a job at hand is better than one that is still quite wishy washy. just look at the experience i had with the previous company. feel good factor and all, and in the end, kept me waiting for 5 months, only to tell me that they can only made the decision in jun 13 earliest. i would simply try to negotiate for a better pay and reject all other jobs. with this, i finally got a good night sleep on sunday night. but this relieve did not last. 

woke up this morning and i started pondering how much more should i could negotiate. how to do it, which angle to go in from, should it be 300 more, 500 more, 800 more, etc. again, the whole process got me all stressed out again. i started consulting friends, researching the net, etc. and finally came to a clear way to how i should steer the negotiation conversation. it was an interesting process, nonetheless. but one thing i was acutely aware of, the package they offered was above what i had asked for and technically, i do not have grounds to negotiate. finally, with this fundamental clarity, i decided that i would go in from an angle of clarification and if need be, not negotiate. with this clarity, i got my composure and i called the company. it was a good conversation. and i finally decided i would accept the offer as it was.

reflecting, this whole stress i put myself through was totally avoidable. but i subjected myself through it. and the key reason why i did so could be traced to one factor - greed. 

accepted the offer

today, i finally accepted the job offer... it was quite a dilemma for me last friday and i had sleepless nights and nightmares over the weekend. but after a lot of deliberation and consulting my friends, i decided that perhaps what is important is that what i have at hand is more important that some good feel that may or may not materialize. just look at the previous one, made me go through 4 interviews and in the end tell me i have to wait until jun! and that was a super feel good job too! 

and so, with this clarity, my stress lifted. i called the company up and accepted the offer.

i start work on 1 april. let's hope it does not turn out to be a joke.

haha!

:-)

is uniform sex fun?

so? how is sex with bee? army officer and police officer. sex must be very exciting right? all the kinky things you can do with the uniform, the hand cuffs, batons, and oooo, just think of the ceremonial garbs, the no 1 uniform, the peak caps, the tight pants...

hahah... you get the drift. but of cos, the questions may not be exactly like this, word for word. nonetheless, the drift is there. and this seemed to be a constant question that i get from many friends for many many years. in short, is uniform sex fun? admittedly, when i first get such questions, i felt rather offended by it, but after a while, i learned to laugh it off, although i admit, i felt quite irritated. but thankfully, such questions have gradually eased off. these days, when such questions come again, i'd just sigh to myself and go through the ritual of answering it again resignedly. and let me just answer the question again before going further... 

i don't know! (surprised!) 

and this is cos we did not, and still do not, engage in such "uniform fun" 

frankly, i always wonder why people ask the question. it can be curiously exciting, especially for people who are turned on by uniforms, or more fundamentally, turned on by the concepts of authority, and power. and when people ask me such questions, the chain of thought seemed to be that since we were regulars (contract staff) in the respective uniform services, we would engage in and enjoy having uniform fun. actually, the truth is far from it. come on, if this chain of thought is valid, then it would also mean butchers would enjoy having sex with pigs? or cobblers would enjoy using hammers and nails as sex toys? cannot be, right? haha...

well, back to the issue of uniforms and us. you see, firstly, one cannot assume people in the uniform services will definitely engage in uniform fun. conversely, for bee and i, and i believe, many many of my regular friends, we have this very deep respect for our profession and our uniforms and would never reduce it to become objects of sexual desires. also, for those of us who enter into relationships with people in the uniform services too, we do so becos we see each other as individual human being and not as individuals of our trade. 

but yeah, all said and done, i can still expect this question to pop up again in future. 

:-)

job offer

i wrote about having a few options previously. well, here's the situation i am in now.

i went for 3 interviews this week.

the interview for job 1 happened on wednesday. it was the second interview and it was for the role for something i was familiar with. the company is an mnc and had been in the red for a while. the top management team had just changed and the latest quarter results is in the black. the company is expected to be in the black possibly next year or two. as far as the role is concerned, it is a (near) individual contributor role, and the people are ok, not fantastic and so-so environment. 

the interview (i chose to call it an interview) for job 2 came kinda out of the blue. what happened was that i got a call from an ex-colleague from the saf who had left the service and started his own start-up early this year. we met up on thursday. he wanted me to join him and be a project director for one major project that he is hoping to win from mindef. ok, shan't go into details except that the offer was very good, profit sharing and all... but i already knew before he went into details that regardless of package, i will reject him. no more dealings with government people, especially mindef. pwee!

the interview for job 3 was on friday. this was for a school and the role is a newly created one. for this role, i will be overseeing the whole management team of the school and there seemed to be an urgency to get things in place. in short, tons of work and responsibilities. compared to the first interview, this one would possibly pay a lot more money too. also, although i wasn't too impressed after reading the details in the web, my sensing after the interview was that the environment/ people factor was actually very good. nonetheless, the vibes after the interview was very good.

this was where i ended up with huge dilemma by the end of friday. you see, i knew from the start that i didn't and would never take up job 2. as for job 1, the boss came back with an offer just before i went for job 3 interview. the offer was reasonable and i actually thought of not going for the third interview, but in the end, i went for it cos everything had been arranged. through the interview, my initial discomfort with job 3 totally disappeared and i walked out of the interview feeling good about it. and so, all things being equal, job 3 would actually be a more favorable choice. so... i was totally torn between job 1 and job 3. 

i did a quite facebook poll and asked quite a few of my friends. almost all said i should go for job 3. there factors were mostly to my advantage. potential, pay, people factor, workplace environment, etc. but here's the decision-making factor. job 3 has not made any offer. and if i know the system of the school, it would probably take some time before they can get back. feel good factor is afterall, just a feel good factor. nothing is guaranteed until an offer is made. just look at my previous 4 rounds of interviews... so, the fact remains that only job 1 has made an offer, and want an answer very quickly. so, all things being equal, i would go for job 1. but of cos, i would have to first negotiate for better terms first...

and if all goes smooth, i start work 1 april. let's hope it does not become an april fool's joke.

:-)

slutty vs classy

there is a fine line between being classy and being slutty and i say this becos of a horrigible sight i saw just less than an hour ago at a hawker center... read on...

there i was, seated at a table with my mum and i was looking down, eating my fried mee when i noticed a pair of legs in knee-high shiny black leather boots walked towards my direction. she seemed to appear out of nowhere and my jaw literally dropped with what i saw. from the seat and how i was half-looking down, her privates were directly in my line-of-sight. and i could clearly see the outline of her privates and the slit (camel foot)! omfg! and it was obvious too that she was not wearing anything inside and that she had it shaved down there too!

if i were a superstitious traditional old china man of my ah gong-era, i would have rushed to the temple, pray to god, get loads of blessed flowers and wash my eyes with the flower water! so bloody suay (bad luck) to have the c*** b** in all its shaven glory emit all its negative yin energies onto your face point-blank in the morning! arrghhh... but, ok, before i digress, here're there details.

instinctively, i looked up to see who this horrible piece of meat that created such an unhealthy imprint on my innocent mind during my breakfast belonged to. it was a lady and she must have been in her mid-50s or probably nearing 60. she wore a very thick make-up (bright red lipstick and all) on her face and her hair was short and sassily-styled. as for her dressing, she wore a superbly tight black body suit complete with black high-heeled leather boots. over this body suit was a very loose bright yellow top that falls off to expose one of her shoulders. now, the material of the body suit was a little translucent and that allowed one to see glimpses of her skin below (which explained how i was able to conclude about her being shaved). she was a little "padded" all over and that makes her a bit voluminous. she has got very fair complexion although i couldn't see if there were any scars or marks. and to make things a little more wrong, her perfume was so strong and pungent the whole hawker center could smell her! it was just that overpowering! anyway, it was rather obvious she was aware of the attention she was attracting judging from the way she paraded herself up and down the hawker stalls...

but really, with such an outfit and overall image, straight men that respond to her would most likely be called "dirty old man" or something similar. as for gay men, i was sure all would thank whichever almighty they believe in they were gay (like me). and as for bisexual men, hmmm... they would all turn gay and stay gay for a long time!

and so, back to my point about being slutty vs classy. i thought she was totally on the wrong side of this slutty-classy continuum.

man was i a bitch today!

hahah!

let go...

i have often come across many so-called wise words and sharings from all sorts of people, books, and so on. and i seldom, if ever, put them in my blog no matter how they resonate with me. but today, it shall be an exception. i came across this in one of my friends' sharing in facebook and i thought it is something i can share with many people and the time is probably right for me to do it now too. this is cos i know there are several of my friends out there who are currently in some sort of stress (relationship, personal problems, family issues, etc), and that this short story may help to provide some clarity to the situations they are in...

during a workshop on stress management, a psychologist faced the audience and held up a glass of water. everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "how heavy is this glass of water?" answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. she replied, "the absolute weight doesn't matter. it depends on how long i hold it. if i hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. if i hold it for an hour, i'll have an ache in my arm. if i hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. in each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer i hold it, the heavier it becomes." she continued, "the stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. think about them for a while and nothing happens. think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. and if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything." it’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. don't carry them through the evening and into the night. remember to put the glass down!

yup, it goes back to the whole idea and process of letting go... or rather, no, it must start with the first step, that is, make the resolve to let go.

very buddhistic, i thought.

and a lot of truth...

no?

yes!

when 2 becomes 1

ya, it is so romantic. and it had been sung many times over, through the ages. you can almost feel the electric and the chill down the spine just fantasizing the moments of entry... yes, when 2 becomes 1. wooo! the whole idea of 2 individuals joining together physically or making love (romantically phrased), or copulation/ sexual intercourse (scientifically and clinically phrased), or fucking (crudely and getting more colloquially phrased). well, at least that is the image most of us have been conditioned to picture when we come across this phrase when 2 becomes 1. no? haha!

but hey, in life, it is always about context. any words or phrases must always be interpreted in the right context. yes, when 2 becomes 1 can be so romantic and all, so much so that one can die from it (not literally la), all the sugary and stuff and all... but look here, if it is in the context of 2 mouth ulcers becoming 1...

god bless you!

ouch!

unknown calls/ smses

i have been getting quite a bit of calls and smses from numbers that i do not recognize, both on my regular phone as well as on my call card phone. and frankly, i'd simply ignore them. many, if not all, of these are either telemarketers, scams and/ or cheats.

there was once in an afternoon some days back when i got a call from this number +1 (653)-157-7473. and i happened to be online and did a quick google on the number. and i realized that many people had had calls from this number too. and from the postings, it suggests that someone could be using this number to steal information from other people's phones and that the caller would either claim he was from some banks (eg bank of china) doing some telemarketing or he would simply keep quiet.

similarly, i would usually get smses from local numbers offering to provide loans and/ or access to quick money at low or no interest rates. or if they were indonesian numbers, the smses would be telling me i had won some lucky draws and that i should call them up immediately to claim some huge amount of monies. bloody hell, if life was so easy, there would be no poor people around.

these calls/ sms feeds on the individuals greed and desires. previously, i would answer the calls and nicely tell them i was not interested but these days, i would simply ignore and delete.

praying mantis

earlier this evening, a praying mantis came to my house. i noticed it as i was about to close my glass door before retiring to bed. and it was rather huge! i told mum about it and she got a little excited. don't kill it, don't kill it she said (not that i will, cos i don't kill at all! lol). it is good luck! and it is here to give you good tidings! mum offered an explanation. the fact that it had appeared at your house now meant good things are going to happen soon. and i am sure you will be securing a job soon!

well, i was rather amused by her explanation, but what else can i say right? of cos i try to cajole the praying mantis to move away so that i could at least close my door. it finally crawled away and stationed itself at my louvre and has been there since. let's hope it flies off by tomorrow, or else it would be terrible if sapphie finds it and tries to sniff it. i cannot imagine how rude a shock she will get if she gets bitten by the praying mantis.

haha... 

i saw a heavenly body

yesterday, i made an appointment to have my back adjusted. the appointment was in the late afternoon and i decided to drop by the pool before that to relax my back muscles. was indeed a good one hour of sunning and at the same time cooling of my back in the cold water. very relaxing. of cos, my writing of this post is not to talk about relaxing my back la. you see, for the longest time, i have not gone to the pool in the afternoon. most of my visits were done after my chiro visits in the late mornings. so i was really pleasantly surprised by the very different afternoon crowd. 

there was only one other person when i first arrived. not one of the common face, i noted. nonetheless, i took my usual spot and continued my tan. in a distance outside the pool fence, i saw a rather fair guy walking towards the pool. ok, i thought to myself, someone i have not seen before and i continued sunning and didn't quite bother. not too long after, another person arrived. ok, usual person. familiar face. someone who used to wear skimpy leopard-print trunks, i thought. then again, i noted he wore a pair of luminous blue trunk yesterday. anyway, i continued my sunning. and before i knew it, the fair guy i saw earlier walked towards the tanning area. he had just finished his swim, judging by his wet body and where he walked from. again i didn't quite bother, although i noted he has quite a good physique. he went to a tanning deck a short distance away, put on his sunglasses and sat there. cute guy i thought. new face. fresh looking. i smiled to myself. less than 15 min later, he left.

as my appointment time was nearing, i stopped my tan not too long after that and made my way to the changing room. lo and behold, in the changing room, i got to see the fair guy in close proximity and i was totally amazed with what i saw... ok, i really don't know how to put it or to describe him. he has porcelain-like complexion, whole body, not just his face. "tofu-ly"-fair yet very healthy-looking with a certain rosy radiance. and he has superbly short hair. military look. he did not have a lean-cut figure, was not trim and toned and had some baby fats around him, but none that would make him look bad. but at a height of about 1.8-ish m, he looked good. really good. as for his face, he has that mysterious abc-kinda look. chinese, yet not chinese. very exotic. small slitty eyes but not to the extend of being "chinesey" (in a negative sense). just very attractive. and when he looked at a person, he looked straight into the persons' eyes. very piercing and disarming. hmmm... i really think i do not make much sense in my description of him. well, in short, let's just call him "heavenly body". "body" as in a "person" kinda-sense and not in a "torso" kinda-sense. haha!

and from his behavior, it was obvious mr heavenly body was obviously cruising in the pool shower room after his swim/ tan. he showered in the corner-most cubicle (where most gays do), and he emerged in his towel and started walking around the shower room to check people out. after that, he went to the corner cubicle at the other side of the shower room and shower too before returning to the first corner cubicle to shower again. and occasionally, he would leave his things in the shower cubicle, move to the shower room bench and use his smart phone to sms with his towel wrapped around his waist. otherwise, he did not venture into the cubicle or do anything with anyone. and when he was finally done, he changed up, left the shower room and sat outside. perhaps the people in the shower room wasn't his type or perhaps the place was a tat too crowded for him. then again, whether he hooked up with anyone i wouldn't know cos i left after i washed up and changed.

nonetheless, for me, it was a good visit. not only did i get to relax my back, i got to see new faces, new people, new bodies...

:-) 

interview again!

last week, i had to postpone my interviews due to my bad back. and i decided that it is not good to drag this too long and have arranged for the interviews to be done this week. so yes, i will be heading out for my second interview this afternoon. 

now the job for this afternoon's interview is kinda fast and sudden. got a call from an ex-colleague asking if i a keen for a role and she referred me to her husband who is working for a fledging airline. company has been in the red and only starting to turn around. industry wise, it looks like it is picking up but as a company, things seemed rather upside down currently. took a look at the website and facebook page and seemed like there are tons of complains. haha... and it will be interesting for me cos this position, unlike all my previous experiences in my ex-company, will only comprise my head, myself and another team-member. so, in all essence, it will likely be no different from that of an independent contributor. kinda new for me as i have always been in leadership positions. so... 

and yes, there's another interview this coming friday. a position that has been newly created and it is a huge position with a very large span responsibilities. a leadership position that is part of the senior management team. challenging job scope that i said i was not very keen in and rather admin-centric.  also, the opportunity cost for this position is tremendously huge. other than being in a very specific niche industry (independent school), there are no other similar positions in the commercial sector. similarly, the prospect for movement for this position is literally nil. so, am kinda torn between this and the position i am being interviewed for this afternoon...

crossroads right? but well, i am at least clearer now compared to the four choices i have reflected sometime back cos i have at least ruled out the 2 options of associate trainership and social work.

so, based on the options i have, one course of action is to take on the first role first, and then over the next year or 2, move on to large roles in other corporate set-ups and grow from there. the other course of action, of course, is to pursue the second role and stay on indefinitely. and if things do not turn out right, to start the whole job search process again. doing the first course of action would mean taking a step back for now for future growth. and doing the second would mean bigger risk cos if things go screwed up in say a year or 2, i would be nearing 50 and when that time comes, getting a job would be next to impossible!

for now, just go for the interviews. decision can be made later.

if things go smooth, hopefully i can start work soon.

up & about

the thing about bad backs are that when you behave like you have bad back, you will have a bad back! yup, of cos i admit it is easy to say that now that i am up and moving. but really, what i realized is that while i need to rest the back and not aggravate the injury, i also need to constantly make the effort to get up and move about. and of cos, when i do that, i need to make sure i get back to the basics - be conscious about my posture, my gait, my movements, and so on. in another words - be aware, be in the present, in the now, and be very focused. hmmm... why do i sound so buddhistic? haha...

have been nursing my bad back for the last week and have been trying to stretch myself insofar as my movements. and yesterday, i decided that i should go further than my comfort zone and decided to do my routines and live my life as normally as i could. and so, i went to the chiro, got a haircut, went to the market for my breakfast and so on... yes, admittedly, the back still hurt and i felt very sore after the activities. but i must say, after resting and lying on the heat-pad for half hour or so, i could get up and continue with whatever i need to do. this, i reckoned, is the only way i can hasten the recovery process. of cos, the process can be a bit difficult and achy cos by the end of the day, my whole body would feel so very tired. but i think in the long run, i can recover faster and probably get back to normality sooner.

but of cos, it was funny how i had to slowly take my time to get up of the hairdressing chair after the haircut, how i had to walk like an old man when i transit from activity to activity, how i had to hold my back in public as i slowly get up from my chair and start walking... and talking about getting back to normality, i went to the chiro yesterday and i was taught about the basics of how to stand from a sitting position and vice versa all over again. interestingly, how we had to relearn all the basics in order to minimize hurting our own body as we get older. 

but yes, i am now up and about and getting on with life. 

:-)

days of pure hell...

the past few days have been very difficult. the pain was really excruciating, especially during the first couple of days and based on the pain scale of 1 to 10, i would give it a 10 without thinking twice, and for that matter, even 11 or 12 or more if i have a choice! unlike previous times when i had sprained back, this time round it was extra challenging becos i have to also look after mum at the same time, and bee was not with me, in part becos mum was afraid of him, and in part becos he was overseas. and so, i had to survive through the pain almost singlehandedly. thankfully, on the first 2 days or so, my sis bought the meals and i could simply lie in bed, but after that, i was very much left on my own. but, hey, i made it! heh. anyway, this post is meant to capture what i experienced over the past days.

• in the first 3-4 days, the pain will occur whenever i have small movements that involved my back. and yes, you can never imagine how much you actually use your back until you get back ache!
• i could not stand, sit or lie down too long without the muscles entering a string of spasms. and when it occur, god bless me... my whole back would tense up/ stiffened up and i would be holding myself back from screaming out in pain. and i would be in this position for a good 5-6 seconds and waiting for the slow relaxing of my muscles to occur. imagine having 3-4 spasms through the middle of the night when you sleep... arghhh... cry!
• when i sleep, i had to sleep like how you would when you lie in a coffin. face up. and i cannot turn cos the pain will strike at the lower back and it will immediately send the body into a wave of muscle spasms...
• i could not bend, regardless of whether i was standing, sitting or lying down. when i tried to do so, the movements would immediately trigger a muscle spasm and the whole back will tense up and the pain will shoot from the lower back to the head and the legs...
• that means, i could not wear my pants, or take off my pants, put on clothes, take things, cover myself with blanket, lift up my hands, etc... in fact, anything that would require some form of stretches to the back muscle will result in muscle spasms...
• the pain was terrible when i transit between standing, sitting or lying down. in fact, at its peak, it took me minimally 15 minutes to transit from lying down to sitting up in bed. and another 2-3 minutes to stand up. and even then, i had to hold onto the 4-legged walking frame in order to stand up. and another minute of so for my body to slowly get use to the standing position before i can move a step.
• so, with the time required for the above, i needed to give myself a lot a lot of allowance if i wanted to, say, pee. it took about 20 mins for me to get to the toilet bowl from my lying position in bed...
• and i had to try my hardest not to cough, laugh, and anything that would make my body move in such a way that would create any pressure on my bad back, or the spasm will occur.
• and so, it was amidst all these pains that i had to bring mum her medication to her rehab center, to buy her food, to worry about her meals, to worry about her medications...
• and it was amidst all these pains that i had to continue to also make sure sapphie is brought down to pee, to shit, etc
• and it was amidst all these pains that i had to continue with my daily routines like bathing, cleaning the house, washing the toilet, sweeping the floor, etc... 
• on day 5 when things were a little more stable, i was at least able to move about slowly. and that was when i decided to drive mum to my brother's place... to keep her occupied while i rest.
• it is day 6 today, and i was able to move about a little more easily, and head out to the market for lunch... the pains are a lot less and the spasm has receded to almost none (unless there are sudden jerking movements)

hopefully, things will be back to normal again in the next 2-3 days or so....

:-)

self-made porn

ok, these are some interesting things that i believe many of us have attempted but would never ever dare to admit... and they are using our own smart phones to: 

• create self-made porn video clips, and
• take sexy/ compromising pictures of ourselves... 

(i can almost hear people going omg! now, lol!) so have you done it? yes? no? heh heh... for me, admittedly, i have. after all, i am that type of person who thinks that life is to be experienced, especially for things that we don't normally do. and this applies equally when it comes to experimenting with self-made porn. and yes, it was quite fun, and it was really hilarious to see the product. haha! and seriously, it is not easy being a porn star. really. heh heh. anyway, it's only for the fun of it. after that, i deleted everything. cannot risk being another edison chen or something like that...

haha...

pestering mum

i felt rather irritated and unhappy with mum these few days. but i kept my cool cos she is having early stage dementia and is probably not in a proper state to think about other people's well-being.

you see, 3 days ago, i had a very bad back sprain and since then, i have been nursing my bad back. as a result, i was bedridden most of the time and was unable to move much. and of all things, she went to do her laundry yesterday. ok, before going further, the context is that she had been told many times not to do laundry cos she gets breathless and carrying heavy things will endanger her life. so, when i asked her why she did so, she said she didn't want to trouble me given my back problem. well, of cos, i should feel appreciated but she failed to realize that if she had a fall or if her breathlessness strike, i would not be able to manage the situation. but ok, i took it positively and thanked her for the wrongly placed but well-intended considerations. i have moved on...

and yesterday, while i was all groggy from my medication, the rehab center called up. just now, your mum said she didn't want to come to the center, the rehab center manager said. she said she wanted to go see doctor and said her whole body was aching. i was concerned but thankfully the rehab manager assured me that her staff didn't leave her and insisted that she go to the rehab center instead. i asked to speak with my mum and she complained that her body ached. and she asked me to bring her pain medication to her. and so, with me feeling drowsy and with muscles pulling like no tomorrow, i brought her her medication. almost died of pain doing that. and to top it off, as i was driving, mum called and chide me for being slow. hiaz... anyway, i suspected her pain was a result of her doing the laundry. nonetheless, by late afternoon, she said all her pain was gone.

and today, when i went to the hospital, she went out on her own to see the family doctor. and i didn't know about it until i came home and found her panting in the sofa. she said her body was painful and decided to go out on her own since i was not home. and guess what, the medication she was prescribed with were the same as those i have been giving her. i told her not to do such stupid thing again cos the last time she did the same, she fell in the middle of the road and sustained quite a bit of bloody bruises. if it happens again, i am sure it will not be just bruises we have to contend with.

and then, just now, she asked me to bring her out to the shopping center to buy her herbal wine. she said she had finished her last bottle and without the wine, she feels tired and her body aches. and when i told her i will buy for her, she insisted on coming along. i told her i would not be able to handle her wheelchair for her due to my bad back and she turned defensive. i can walk! i don't need the wheelchair, she insisted. i told her there was no way i could manage her if she trip and fall, and she became unhappy. so in the end, i gave in and brought her out to buy her herbal wine and to get her her dinner too. but i insisted she stay in the car while i head to the shop to buy cos i couldn't manage the wheelchair. and interestingly, she told my sis i insisted on going out despite her telling me to rest! doh!

sighs... very challenging indeed.

yup, slipped disc

been 3 days and my back still hurt like crazy. well, ok, there was some slight improvements but the muscle spasms continue. and whenever the spasms occur, my whole body would tensed up and my face would turn pale. it was just that bad. and the worst was that the spasm also occur at regular intervals through the night and i would be rudely shocked out of my sleep. and of cos, the spasm would similarly occur when i try to bend my body to, say, wear my pants, pick things up, carry things, and so on. also, i noticed that whenever i pee these few days, the stream would be weak and i need to consciously put in some efforts to pee. on the same token, my bowel patterns has been badly disrupted, so much so that i have not moved my bowels since i sustained the injury. 

and today, i decided that enough is enough, it is time to pay a visit to the hospital accident and emergency ward. i certainly do not want a case where secondary issues start to appear. at the hospital, i went through the usual triage, consultation, x-ray, etc. thankfully, the x-ray results suggest no bone/ spur-related issues. the doctor confirmed it was slipped disc and cautioned that i should take complete rest for a couple of days. he also advised that i should get back to the a&e department immediately when and if i start to show signs of incontinence as well as the inability to control my bowel movements. i asked for a jab to help ease the pain and to help the muscles relax. to be followed-up with the orthopedic department in a month's time. and with that i was discharged.

and not long after i reached home, my stomach started churning.

shitting never felt so good!

:-)