the avengers

watched the show with bee on monday. it was quite enjoyable although I thought the show tried to squeeze in too many things within that 2.5hrs. would probably be a little overwhelming for people who did not know some background about the different characters.

but what struck me was - the show acted out tuckman's different stages of teambuilding! haha... damned, me too much into my work such that even shows like this reminded me of theories... occupational hazard indeed!

and oh, as always, cpt america and thor were still as yummy, still so man!!! grrrrrrr!!!

lol!

picture from http://a.imageshack.us/img248/8608/avengersposter2.jpg

blogging on bb

my laptop went kapoot 2 weeks ago and my frequency of blogging took a hit. so yesterday, i decided to blog with my bb. and i started composing an email and once done, i clicked send... and as a routine, i went to my blog to take a look at my post... what i saw freaked me out!!!

there in front of me was my full name, my appointment, my contacts details, my company name, address... and so on! yup, you guessed it! i had published a post using my company email instead of my personal email! and what got published included my whole blooming signature block, company disclaimer, la la la...

hahaha! wtf right!?! really gabra zebra for a while and hurriedly went into edit mode to delete all unnecessary details!

:-)

mums know best

yes, mums know best... and mums always seemed to be in a state of denial...

agree?

picture from http://cdn4.spong.com/news/x/b/xbox360orw221814/_-Xbox-360-or-Wii-The-Mums-Decide-_.jpg

the last knit

amazing animation...

underlying this very simple animation is a very complex theme of addiction/ attachments and the cause of sufferings.

enjoy!

:-)

ps: if you cannot get the meaning behind the animation, go to the youtube page and read the comments.

imagine

i thank jason for reminding me of this beautiful song.

:-)

purity

when i refused to post a comment, i got another comment from the same person (it sounded more like chiding me off) - are you a pure chinese? he asked... well, my first reaction was - so what if i am, and so what if i am not... get lost! there is no place in my blog for discrimination. as a gay person, i have known and experienced the effects of being discriminated and marginalised, and all these because the society is a heterosexual/ straight-centric one. put in another words, straight people deemed us glbts, a class different from them and chose to discriminate us (consciously or otherwise). conceptually, this is no different from one deeming another one less pure than himself/ herself. and having experienced being discriminated, i think it would be most inappropriate for me to treat others this way too. so... i reiterate - there is no place for discrimination in my blog. that was my first reaction. after my initial reactions, i reflected further. is there such a thing called "pure chinese"? what does it mean to be "pure" and what does it mean to be "chinese"... i have no answers. both are complex concepts that perhaps has no clear answers at all.

firstly, let's look at the concept of "pure".  purity exists only becos there is a reference point from what is deemed "unpure" (or impure, whatever). yet this reference point is vague cos it depends on how one percieves or defines it. in the natural order of the world, there is nothing absolute. and if that is the case, then the whole idea of "purity" fails. no? as an example, let's use the concept of colour - there is no such thing as pure black colour. cos technically, what is deemed pure black colour to us is defined by us based on what we see. and the colour range that we humans see is limited up to a certain point. cos, for what we would traditionally referred to as pure black colour is imaginary cos theoretically, there are blacker tones than black that our human eyes cannot distinguish! no? you can use this same argument for red, blue, yellow, etc... 

secondly, the concept of "chinese". when i reflected on this, it reminded me of a documentary series called "the chinese diaspora" that i watched couple of months back. it was an interesting series cos it explored what being "chinese" mean. and it concluded that the concept of "chineseness" is vague and perhaps does not exist. what is "chinese"? how do you define "chinese"? you can't. you cannot possibly have a common defintion! there are just so many ways to define it. by culture, by looks, by language, by lineage, by politics? by nationality? it is simply impossible to do so. is a malaysian-chinese chinese? is a singaporean-chinese chinese? by virtue that i have to throw in the word malaysian or singaporean already tells me that this chinese is not chinese-chinese! even within china, is there such a thing call chinese-chinese? we have chinese han, chinese turks, chinese yao, etc... so? what is chinese? perhaps, the closest i can relate to is that the term chinese is used very loosely to refer to people who's ancestors hails from central asia. then again this is also vague. it did not fully address the dimension of time. there is also no clear geographical boundaries to where is central asia. so, my take about the whole concept chinese is at best vague. and as for "pure chinese" - it does not exist.

thus, if anyone wants to look for a pure chinese or chooses to discriminate against chinese that are "not pure", it does not differ much from a person in denial and choosing to self-console by imagining the existence of a state of being that does not exist. or perhaps, it reflects the person's superficiality, insecurities, bias, ignorance, or worst still, absolute stupidity. such a person needs to reflect deeper and do some very critical thinking about what he says... no? so much reflections for a post that i again, throw into my spam box. and i repeat, my blog is for all to read. it is in a public domain. read if you want, don't read if what i post is not to your liking, but buck off and don't try to tell me what to blog. i maintain that i write what i want to write. it is my blog! 

ps: for the record, mak saya orang peranakan dari singapura, dan bapak saya orang hokien dari cina. does that make me any less chinese? i don't know how you are gonna classify that, but i am happy with what i am, who cares what you brand me - chinese, malay, baba, hokkien, singaporean... whatever... i don't care. cos i am very happy with what i am. be happy! drop a high five comment if you agree with what i wrote!

picture from http://danielayad.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/hungrygeneration-pursuitofpurityprt2355.jpg

respect

recently, i noted a certain character who has been crawling from blog to blog asking people to post/ or not to post this or that. and added to that, his tone can be very rude and imposing. really, in the blogosphere, there is really no place for such characters.

the blogosphere is really a space to allow 2 conversations to occur - the conversation within one self, and the conversation between one and his readers. and in the context of these 2 on-going conversations, it is really not realistic to expect any blogger to blog according to another person's wimps and fancies. it is as simple as i write what i want to write, i post what i want to post. who cares whether you subscribe to my believes or not. and as for the reader, well, he can choose not to read. freedom of speech and expressions as well as freedom of readership when it comes to the blogosphere. but of cos, with this freedom of speech and expressions comes the responsibilities. the blogger himself needs to observe certain rules of the game/ guidelines such as posting responsibly, err on the safe side when it comes to anything deemed inflammatory, being respectful in his post... and so on...

argh... it's a lazy sunday afternoon and i am not really in the mood to write anything serious... so, read if you want to read. you are most welcome to do so. and if what you see is not to your liking or taste/ preference, you have a choice to leave. when i recieve any comment/s from anyone who makes tries to influence my postings and/ or sounds rude, the comment goes straight to my spam box.

:-)

picture from http://www.vegancauldron.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Respect.jpg

vesak 2012

it's been an interesting vesak so far. went to kmspks for the 3-step-1-bow ritual again and this year, we decided to meet at 11.30pm vesak eve. as usual, we saw people cutting queues, we saw people who had just arrived trying to stand close to the venerable blessing those who had completed the ceremony with the hope of getting blessed without having to go through the ceremony... sighs... such misguided attachments to the water... frankly, if one's heart is pure, one can get blessed in the comforts of one's home shower! conversely, if one's heart is not pure, no amount of water will be enough to cleanse one of one's impurities (hmmm, why do I sound like lady macbeth here! hahahaha)

as usual, the wait was long and draggy. at 2am, we were still some distant from the start point... and then the sky turned cloudy, the thunder started rolling and the lightning started striking... hmmm... we wondered and joked that the temple would practise what the military do - that is, announce a cat 1 high lightning risk status and cancel the event... and we laughed about it. it just didn't sound right for such announcements that we associate with the military to be done here. whatever the case, we were determined to proceed even if there was a thunderstorm. afterall, for me, i've been doing this for the last 20-over years and doing the ritual through a rainy weather was not new to me. we continued to wait in the queue. the was the air of uncertainty all around.

and then the recorded chanting stopped. those people in the midst of the 3-step-1-bow were totally lost... some stood still, some continued with their 3 steps... and for that moment, no one knew what happened. we were in the queue beside those in the procession and we were staring at them. it looked and felt a little weird frankly. we suspected there was a problem with the player.

and then the announcement came - we have a cat 1 high lightning risk condition now. everyone, please leave now... we will suspend the activity for the next half hour. for now, everyone please leave and go under shelter... the announcer repeated the message. hahaha... everyone was stunt! for those, like us, who had been queueing didn't know what to do... we were wondering how we could possibly get back to the queue after half hour. it was just impossible. we could imagine the rushing of the thousands to get into the front of the queue that had taken the organizers some many hours to organise. and for those who were halfway through the procession, it was a rude and abrupt end! everyone just stood there. there must have been at least 5000-8000 people just standing there stunt.

it took some 2-3 mintues before the reality of the suspension to sink in... slowly, the crowd started to disperse, somewhat unwillingly and somewhat unhappily. and perhaps as a signal of displeasure with our slowness and lack of co-operation, the rain came! it started with huge droplets, and within seconds, it rained cats and dogs... no, it was more like someone pour a whole ocean of water onto us. and the winds blew! it became almost a stampede. everyone was running into the shelter... well... you very much know how everything unfold after that... it's been more than 45min now... and the thunderstorm continues. hundreds of devotees, us included, are now seated in the hall of no form, waiting for the thunderstorm to stop. the temple has started an impromptu program to conduct meditation for us...

it's been an interesting start to vesak 2012! let's go with the flow, let's not be too attached to the ceremony. let's focus on the practise. happy vesak everyone. may everyone be happy and may everyone gain enlightenment!

sadhu sadhu sadhu!

:-)

picture from https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ0oxwFZscfEbMQTkttPtTr383LHMHKJTTynRiuBkqrDtMYFowIWtJfsn2sU3ZvNqMwbPm3KCoSpL4mWlhyphenhyphenzjcdgKG0M4wLb2zU6v5D8Ot8seqCNpruYBbr1iZJ0vWjRhOc7QDfw/s1600/vesak+1.jpg

he's not gay!

he worked as a chiro at the clinic i used to frequent. and i always kept a look out for him whenever i visited the clinic. and of cos, he would always give me that look... you know, that look... and once when my regular doctor was not around, he treated me (hurray!). he was so gentle with me when he attended to me. my heart skipped a few beats when he asked me to unbutton my shirt. wa! my regular doctor never asked me to unbutton regardless of how tight i wear! and here, i have this hunk asking me to do that! can i unbutton a few more buttons?! ha! and after that one encounter with him, i wished secretly that my regular doctor would be sick or on holiday or whatever so that he would stand in to treat me. alas, it never happen after that one time. when he eventually left the clinic (not too long after he treated me), i got his contact number from the clinic staff. i contacted him and he remembered me! and he was so friendly with me! and he asked me to add him on facebook. i was convinced he must be gay! confirmed. i kept telling myself. all the vibes i felt.

and so i checked him out in facebook. and i realized how much a camwhore he was. tons of photos. and quite a few of them with muscular guys. added to that, he always have that cheeky smile and would do all sorts of campy pose in his pics. and despite the fact that his photos were always with one or two girls around, i was cock sure he's one of us. the girls must be his gurlfriends... they must be! i showed his photos to bee and bee was also rather convinced about it. but bee added that we could not be 100% sure cos he's filipino and filipinos has this abilities to exude gay vibes even when they are straight! whatever it was, i continued to keep track of his life through his updates in facebook. relationship status - it's complicated. gay! gay! gay! confirmed! to me, most gay men would indicate complicated or not put at all! and when i saw that, i was so so convinced he belonged to my tribe! and his every post reinforced my belief that he was one... 

anyway, i lost track of him when i deleted my facebook.

that was a couple of months back. and over the last 2 days, i decided to sms him to wish him a good weekend. and i was pleasantly surprised that he remembered me and spoke like as though we had not stopped contacting. we chatted quite a bit via whatsapp. and i decided to do a search for him online again. ha! found him in linkedin, added him. and then found his profile in facebook again... and then... i saw his relationship status - in a relationship with xxxxxx (it's a woman's name!). of cos, kaypoh me clicked on the name and saw a couple of photos of them together... hmmm... so? he is not gay? hmmm... i am still not sure... perhaps he is bisexual?

hmmm... i still have my doubts... whatever... hahaha...

damned! i think my gaydar is malfunctioning!

and thank goodness i did not asked him if he is one or flirt around with him!... or maybe i did... hmmm... hahahaha!

(well, you might find me weird posting such things and behaving like that when i have a partner. but well, it's just a curiosity thingee. afterall, as someone told me - if i am not superficial, i am not gay! haha... and my attitude has always been - it's always fun to second guess if someone is gay, and it's always a plus point to know more people in this circle. it's hard enough trying to be normal in this straight-centric world, so the least we could do is to be more accepting of our own kind... agree?)

sea bass w/ brinjal

it is may day and i desperately wanted to have something different from the usual routine. if i have my choice, i would want to go out to town with bee. just the two of us. but i knew i would be stretching a bit too far cos we had gone out for an hour plus this afternoon without her. and so, we decided to bring mum out to town for dinner and to do some shopping in town.

we had dinner at a cafe that specialises in bread-related food, soups, simple western mains... we were half wondering if mum would be able to enjoy/ appreciate the food. afterall, he closest encounter with western meals had been kfc, mcdonalds, or at most ikea food... and given that she is toothless, i decided to order sea bass fillet with sauteed brinjal for her. the sea bass and brinjal was grilled and the dish came with a hearty serving of tomato puree and topped with a sprinkling of fresh veggies. for ourselves, we ordered some vegetarian dishes (we are on a vegetarian diet in prep for vesak day)... and we shared a mushroom soup. happily we ate..  halfway through, mum said she was full and wanted to pass the remaining food to bee. i told her he's also on vegetarian diet and asked her to leave it aside for the waiter to clear. what? buang? sayanglah! cannot waste food! and she went on to gobble everything down... very typical of the elderly generation. i also asked her if it tasted good and she nodded her head as she used her fingers to gesture the "money" sign. (meaning - it must be good since it cost so much!)... anything expensive must be good. ha! another typical response from the elderly generation.

we went shopping after that and the evening wore on. and on our way home, i asked if she enjoyed the dinner. and finally she gave her frank inputs - the food was bad, the fish was bland... yadda yadda yadda... yup, another typical response from a old bibik. no food can be considered good if it did not taste familiar (no need to be peranakan dishes, but it must be something familiar), it was not cooked with strong spices, it was not sufficiently pedas, and for that matter, did not include her favourite sambal belachan...

i had guessed it right. she didn't know how to appreciate western food.

haha...

distractions

today is may day and i wanted a break from mum. but i knew it would be a very tricky thing to stage. yet, i wanted to head out to the hairdresser with bee. it had been a long while since i was able to spent time alone with him. but i was acutely aware that if i were to leave my mum alone at home and to go out with bee, she would go all haywire suspecting that i would be out planning with him how to kill her again. and so i experimented with this - i dyed her hair. and after i applied the dye, i told her i will be heading out to have a haircut, and that i would be running errands such as to buying more dye for her for future use and buying bread for her breakfast tomorrow. and i told her she needed to keep time for 45 min the colour to set for her hair. i told her that at 2.20pm sharp, she should go wash her hair. and she should shampoo her hair twice so that the dye can be completely washed off. and with these instructions, i left the house.

i came back at about 3pm. i was half expecting her to be black-faced and throwing tantrums. but she was not. she was ok. she did not go gaga... instead, she told me how she kept time and how much effort she took to shampoo herself... my experimentation to distract her from my absence worked!

it was such a great relief!

:-)

baldness

yup. got myself bald again. and as i was about to head to the hairdresser, a thought came to my mind. and i asked - hmmm, perhaps i should do it after tomorrow? there will be guests visiting my unit tomorrow and i will not look good if i were bald, so unglam... and then i remembered - the very reason why i wanted to go bald is to remind myself that i should not be attached to the whole idea of beauty. such superficiality/ vanity is against the the grain of my practise as a buddhist. that i should continue to cultivate my inner self and guard myself against attachments, much less attachments to myself.

and so, i went ahead with my baldness...

she wins!

in my attempt to convince mum that bee has her interest at heart, i tried to play up to religion card. afterall, she has the habit of falling back to religion whenever she's uncomfortable... here's how the conversation went:

me: you know, he has your interest at heart and helps me whenever he can. i am thankful to him for being around...

mum: (ignoring what i said) ... i always pray to god and to buddha to bless you.

me: ah, yes, he is also a good practising buddhist. and he, like you and i, goes the kmspks to pray to the buddha. he also helps out at buddhist temples and observes vegetarianism regularly. 

mum: no, the buddha he prays to is fake...

me: ....

she wins...

weekend just started!

she has gone to bed. and yes, my weekend has just started. and no, i still cannot leave the house cos she'll think i'm leaving the house to bring people home to kill her. but well, at least with her in her room, i can now do what i want to do (in the house) without worrying about worrying her. imagine, even when i were to lie in my own bed in my room, she'd tip toe to my room door and peep in to see what i was doing. so you can imagine how her mind will go when and if i were to close my door...

anyway, weekend has just started!

:-)

judging others

i have previously looked badly at people who outwardly show any form of negative behaviour towards their elderly parents. but having been put in this position now, i am beginning to better appreciate what a primary caregiver of an elderly have to go through.

it's not that i condone such behaviours, but i am now a little more understanding and will surely be less judgmental about people when and if i encounter such incidents. and I feel strongly that there must be better structures and assistance in the community to help primary caregivers of elderly people.

"i"

been reminding myself that the person i am dealing with is no longer a sane person. she is a sick person who is totally screwed up up there. and she is a pitiful person who knows no more logic and totally consumed with herself. when i think that way, it helped me depersonalize the whole experience and just give in. she has been destroyed by her overly focused on herself. and looking at it that way, i must remind myself to also let go of myself and let go of her.

firstly, letting go of myself. i shall not get worked up when things get challenging and when tantrums are directed at me. it is not about protecting my dignity and standing up for myself when she scolds me and is unreasonable. i should have no sense of self when faced with such situations. once u start to see things from an "i" angle, anger will set in. self-centricity has not place when handling a person whose mind is no longer logical.

secondly, letting her go. she is sick in her mind. she is no longer able to think things objectively. she is so consumed by herself that she no longer understands logic. logic to her is about herself, everything about herself. it does not matter what anyone does, she choose to interpret all actions according to her state of mind. if she sees you as a threat, whatever good you do, she's still twist it to convince herself that you have ulterior motives, when you do not do anything, she'll use it to reinforce her belief that there is nothing good you can do for her (at best) or that it is a prelude to upcoming bad things. and so, when faced with such a person who is your mother, you have to learn to let her go. she is no longer your mother per se. just remind yourself that she had performed her motherly duties previously and that the only thing you can do for her now is to ensure her basic needs are provided for.

i need to remind myself of these. her inability to let herself go has robbed her of her sanity. i must learn from her. i need to let go of myself. and i need let go of her. the cliche phrase - if you love someone, let him/ her go - applies here totally. and it applies personally too... for my own sanity, just ignore her abuses and tantrums...

introverts & stress

the problem with introverts like me is that one the surface, things will seem very controlled and calm. but inside, there is a whole damned amount of pent up emotions. and there is often no outlets and all the negative energies get directed to myself. i end up getting destroyed inside. and with internal destruction, my abilitites to manage the source of stress/ stressors weakened. and when hit a certain point, all energies, that had been pent up, will erupt, burst out and be directed at the source of the stress...

this had happened a couple of times in my life, especially at work. i usually end up screaming back at my bosses and gave them a earful. it happened in 1996, 1999 and again in 2002 when i burst and literally fucked my bosses during those periods. and when it is about people i work with, i end up scolding them so badly, they wished they never existed. in 1995, i punished my whole unit publicly and scolded my deputy openly. in 2005, i scolded my female staff until she cry. she resigned after that...

i must say i have and am still learning to manage myself. and the person (well, not a person per se) who had "tamed" me significantly over the years is none other than my closest companion - sapphie.

ok, am not sure where i am heading in this post, but really, i hope to continually manage this aspect of me. sapphie had helped. religion had helped. i think i need to try harder...

safety

i know myself well enough. and becos i know myself, i am very seriously considering sending my mum to an old folks home.

anger, like a volcano, knows no limits... once it erupts, it cannot be stopped. and the course of nature will be changed.

cows & water

the usual sentence is - you can bring the horse to the river but you can't force the horse to drink. this phrase has been used by many to describe how you cannot force anyone to do anything if he/ she doesn't want to do. eg eat dinner. i love horses. and somehow i cannot bring myself to use the word "horse" here and now. so...

you can bring the cow to the river but you can't force the cow to drink.

again!

for reasons unknown to me, she started to throw tantrums today again... first thing i got from her when i woke up was - "why you slept so late last night!?"... huh?!? since when i slept late? i refused to get drawn into her nonsense. just gave her the facts of what time i slept. let her decide for herself if it was late.

and then it was refusing to eat breakfast, and then insisting in going to the temple, not that i won't bring her, just that even before i can take my breath from marketing, cooking, housework and so on, she was already chasing me to bring her there... very last minute, very rush. no time to rest, no time to take a breather, no time to even get myself mentally prepared for it... and all these happened in the morning. so you can imagine how the rest of the day went. and even as i write this, she is still throwing tantrums and refusing to eat the dinner i cook...

am not sure if u feel tired reading about all these frustrations, but frankly for me, i feel tired writing about it again and again. so you can imagine how tired i feel. well, need to hold back, control, control...

i look forward to the weekdays...

oven hot

i must be freaking bored to be writing about the weather, but really, it is damned freaking hot these couple of days. and it is not the normal kinda heat that i experienced locally. it reminded me of the summer heat that i get went i was posted to florida summer 2004!

and frankly, the heat is really getting to me. feeling as though i am falling sick and coupled with the heatiness and dryness of my mouth, i am really aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

i wish this heatwave goes off soon. i really wish so...

picture from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/2e/Very_Hot_Weather_Warning.png/150px-Very_Hot_Weather_Warning.png

this week

after the stressful start to the week, i thought the week went relatively ok.

monday was bad due to mum's mental condition and she gave me the cold war through the day. tuesday was bad as she continued with her tantrums, but weirdly, wednesday arrived and she acted like as though nothing had happened. and so, life turned back to "normal" as sudden as it turned bad at the start of the week. so, the rest of the week kinda became quite routine again with the usual work, rehab center, bringing her out for dinners immediately after work and trying to stretch the evening out as long as possible so as to make her tired. that was basically how the week went for me on the homefront.

as for the workfront, well, as usual, the meetings and trying to adjust to the new boss and the many meetings that came and went. so far seemed to be ok. this new boss tried to justify the unpleasant and uncalled for comments that my big boss (his boss) told me some couple of weeks back. well, i just nodded and smiled. no point getting worked up for it. reflecting, if i did not agree to what my big boss said, i should just depersonalize this whole issue and move on as soon as i get a new job. there is no rush per se as i have reflected earlier. but what i am very clear about was that there is no need to feel personal about all these anymore. i must remember the bad lesson i learnt in my regular service days with the armed forces that organizational loyalty is nothing but bullshit. ultimately, the organization has its own interest to look after. so...

well, that was my week. not too eventful at work and perhaps a little weird at home. oh, since i am ranting, this week, my laptop went kapoot... and have been forced to use my office laptop to blog and to surf the net. do not do so usually as i do not like the idea of things being cached in my laptop, especially so when and if i surf sites that are blocked at work or sites that could possibly compromise my personal life (like porn as well as my blog! hahaha). also, yesterday, my phone contract ends and that means i can now shop for a new phone as i renew the contract! hurray! and of cos, it's a nice end to the week to be commemorating our 7th anniversary/ start of our eighth year... (not that we are doing anything romantic or significant)... heh heh... i supposed the event itself gives me a mental break from all the routine stress...

:-)

6 months

just went for my medical review earlier. all's ok on the blood test. cholesterol level (lhl, hdl) all ok, within the desirable range for me, blood sugar after fasting ok, liver enzymes ok, etc... for now to sustain my statins at current level. as for the anti-depressant and sleeping pills, to continue. mouth/ lips dryness, no choice, side effects of anti-depressant. encouraged to sleep more and have more rest...

to review in 6 months.

:-)

8

today, we mark the end of our 7th year and the start our 8th year (i.e 7th anniversary)!

end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

:-)

support

for reasons unknown or perhaps just an uncanny coincidence, i received a couple of whatsapp messages from friends. first, it was from sam, a constant source of support, although some of his suggestions may, at times seemed difficult to implement... and i also got a whatsapp message from another friend in hk. it was past mid-night and the message came in - how are you? everything ok?

it was so nice to hear from alvin. and being a buddhist himself, and a social worker, he gave me some advise about how to manage such situations. and offered to help me check for support resources.

i am grateful i have friends to support me emotionally when things get tough. and talking about friends and support, i personally also think it would be useful if bee can see himself as part of the solution and be more forthcoming in engaging mum. his avoidance of mum only further aggravate the challenge and reinforces mum's perception of him as a hostile person... then again, i can only hope for this to happen.

what a f-up start!

after the whole weekend tensions and the mirror disaster, i had hoped for a smooth start to the week. well, it did not. my week did not start well.

woke up, got myself ready for work and next thing I know, mum asked me to bring her to pay respects to my grandparents. i asked why and she said they came back to visit her in her dreams and warned her that people are conniving to steal my salary and my money. hmmm, how would you respond to such an input? well, i told her not to have wild thoughts and gave her details of my salary and a point to point breakdown of how i use my salary every month. told her her worries were unfounded and she should not think too much... i left for work after that.

for the whole freaking day, i tried to call and check on her but there was no reply. got calls from my sis telling me she had more than 7 missed calls from mum. i sensed something wrong and hurried home at about 4pm, the time when she'd return from the rehab center.

when i saw her, i asked if she's ok and why was it she did not pick up the phone. what i did not expect to get a trashing from her. apart from accusing me of demanding 30k from her, she also said her money in her wallet was missing. the sentences in this whole episode was totally illogical. at one moment, i was accused of demanding 30k, at one moment, i was chasing her out of the house, and the next moment, i was shirking my responsibilities to take care of her, and so on. and as she rattled on, the allegations and story just got more and more wild and twisted.

i totally lost my cool! tried to ask her to try to understand me. tried to explain to her i was explaining how i use my salary and not demanding money from her (and goodness knows how she got that magic number 30k! would have taken me many month to earn that amount!), tried to tell her she is giving me a lot of stress with her wild allegations... but it was no use, she just kept on with her allegations of 30k and so on.

i left her alone after a while and when i thought things where relatively cooler, i offered to her fruit juice. again, she screamed at me and shouted that she would no longer recognize me as her son. she went further to also disown all her children, my siblings...

that was it. i had reached my ultimate limit. alright, you don't recognise me as your son, but you cannot ignore the fact that you are my late-father's wife and my late-grandfather's daughter-in-law. and given that they are dead, i shall lecture you in the capacity of the head of the household, a status i inherited when my father died! that you have been married into the family and you have no right to disown someone with my surname! no one shall malign nor spoil my surname, not one who was married into the family.

i lectured her for 2hours. she kept quiet. i admit i was harsh. i had assumed the role of a fucking traditional male chauvanistic pig. but i was really at my wits end. i reckoned if i have to use such tones and angle to deliver my message for her to understand and put her in the right place, i will fucking do it!

damned!

我真的累了

i have enjoyed the song 真心 by sally yeh since it was first released. but frankly, i really didn't know what the song was about despite having heard it so many times. all i knew was there were these 2 phrases 我真的累了, 累得我無法繼續 and i could connect with it. i could really really connect with it when i feel down. and through these many years, it was so uncanny that i would hear this song whenever i felt down.

and yesterday morning, as i walked pass a cake shop after breakfast, i heard these 2 phrases blasted over the radio. i was totally stunt. i just stood there. frozen. again, it didn't matter what the song was about. i didn't care cos i didn't pay attention to the other lyrics. i didn't even remember if it was a love song or anything else. i only heard these 2 phrases... and it really described how i felt these days. very tired. very very tired.

i came home and decided to google this song. and weird as it might sound, i am not feeling blue that weekend is coming to an end.

真心

葉蒨文-真心,百聽不厭的歌

:-)

作詞：劉虞瑞　作曲：殷文琦

盼到了黎明
又怕讓自己清醒
有多少未知的莫名委屈
要讓我強忍著不能哭泣
我真的累了
累得想放棄逃避
逃回那不再有誰會在乎的過去

＊
走過了風雨
在身上留下了痕跡
回想起這一切
百感交集
分不清該可悲還是歡喜
我真的累了
累得我無法繼續
有誰能看見我那顆平凡執著的心

＃
為何我用真心做的夢愛的人說的話
沒有人願意相信
而一個小小的天地只屬於自己
卻如此遙不可及
我只想用真心做個夢愛個人說些話
安靜的面對命運
但這無奈的心情
我又能說給誰聽

Repeat ＊,＃,＃

但這無奈的心情
我又能說給誰聽

2.50

couple of days ago, i drove to a zichar place to pack dinner. i ordered yi min, hor fun and bee hoon and they cost $9 in all. i paid up immediately. after that, i walked back to my car to make sure i was not blocking anyone as i had parked at a non-parking space and had left my car engine running. after a couple of minutes, i went back to the store and saw the lady put 3 boxes into a plastic bag. she passed me the plastic bag and i took it and left hurriedly. couldn't afford to let mum wait too long at home.

once home, i took out the boxes and when i poured out the contents, i realized the lady had passed me another person's order. a receipt in the bag indicated $11.50 for the contents. i had initially thought of driving back to the store but common sense told me that whoever ordered that order would have left, and worst still, mum would end up with no dinner for a long while more. and so, i gave her the food and we ate the dinner. after eating the dinner, i drove back to the store to pay the additional $2.50. initially, the lady was defensive and said something that sounded like i created problems for them, and then she gave me an evil look like as though i did it purposely. but after explaining to her that i had returned to pay up the balance, she grudgingly took the money and whispered a "thank cute". her semi-hostile response didn't bother me.

when i discovered the error and told mum i wanted to return the balance, she chided me. to her, it was their mistake and i have every right to just eat and ignore the whole matter. she insisted i did not need to return them the balance. and when i told bee that evening, he, on the other hand, questioned my motive for returning the money. he didn't explain why he questioned my motive and i didn't bother to ask. that was the right thing to do. i really didn't understand why the fuss about returning the $2.50. to me, it was not the amount, but rather the principle behind it. even if it was 10cents, i would still have driven back to return it. if i don't, i would have been guilty of being greedy. and that is not in sync with my practise as a buddhist.

sleep

i sleep to escape.

and tonight, i shall take sleeping pills.

good night.

choked

at the temple this afternoon, i stood in front of the buddha, i looked at the image, and i felt so overwhelmed. i couldn't explain the feeling. i choked. and i fell almost immediately onto the floor as i paid my respects.

i would have cried under normal circumstances but i didn't.

i couldn't.

pain

at this point in time, my neck muscle has tensed up and it hurts, my shoulders are screwing up again, especially my right shoulder, and my whole spine felt very uneasy. i supposed when one doesn't feel well psychologically, his whole body will feel fucked too.

damned!

i cannot cry

i had this gritty feeling in my eyes on-and-off since two months ago. added to that, i constantly feel thirsty, and i had dry and cracked lips. as a result, i kept biting my gums and inner cheeks that resulted in painful mouth ulcers. i asked my doctor friend about it and he said there could be several possible reasons behind it.

firstly, it could be due to a blockage to my tear ducts that contributed to my eye dryness. he said that it was unlikely due my contact lenses. more likely, he said, i could be suffering from an allergic reaction that resulted in the drying up of my lacrimal glands (tear glands). he said that to be really sure, i need to go through some tests...

well... we'll see. whatever the causes, it was weird. my eyes cannot tear consistently these days. sometimes, when i yawn, i tear like crazy, yet during other times, my eyes remain totally dry. they like as though i had just emerged from a long swim without goggles. similarly, i also realized that when i cry these days, my eyes stay very dry. and i cannot really tear. it is almost a case of cry until no tears!

hmmm...

weekends

i am wondering if i will start to get paranoid about weekends.

whenever weekend comes, i have to manage my mum and psycho her to let me get out of the house for a couple of hours with bee. and from my doctor friend, i am beginning to understand that to manage paranoid patients such as mum, i have to constantly use positive strokes and reassurances. it worked. but on the other hand, i end up having bee taking things personal. that i am not managing things well. that i am not giving him the attention. that...

the pattern is showing. when i can manage mum, i cannot manage bee. and when i can manage bee, i cannot manage mum. i am fucking tired.

and if this continues, i will definitely get afraid of weekends.

mirror mirror

i thought i could spend some quality time with bee after getting mum to agree not to watch the movie. and i booked tickets for the show mirror mirror. but it was fucking ironic that in my carelessness while reversing my car at the theatre car park, i crashed the side mirror into the pillar. the side mirror broke and fell off. well, so be it, what's done cannot be undone, no use crying over it. i accepted it. in fact, i didn't respond negatively to it. my immediate thought was - it was only a mirror, can be changed. after all, i was already so used to having my car crashed, scratched, scrapped, bangged etc. and even when others drive my car and had it scrapped, i took it all in stride. as long as no one got injured, all is ok. that was my thinking.

but what i totally didn't expect to happen was the sudden explosion by bee. he chided me for being careless (exact word - ru mang). i supposed it was a built-up to all the unspoken tensions in him. he had behaved most weirdly when i said i wanted to bring mum out for a show this afternoon. his whole body language changed. his tone of voice changed. his carried a frown on his face since then. and i believed the culmination of his tensions of me not giving him enough attention, of being more attentive to mum, of seemingly not sending her to the old folks home, etc contributed to this sudden explosion. sighs, i often wondered why he cannot understand me and how i am managing my mum.

fuck the mirror. fuck the mirror mirror. fuck the twenty over dollars of movie tickets. totally fucked up my mood for the evening. third fucked up weekend in a roll. and i thought i could have a good evening out with him.

excursion

mum had been feeling very frustrated with the constant inability to contact any of my siblings. and when she finally got to them, they would either cut short her conversation, and/ or raise their voice at her. and once a while when she suggested to visit them, they never fail to claim they are too busy and cannot meet her (i suspect they are ignoring her). and it gets a little sad to see her constantly pining to meet them and lamenting how she had put in her life's efforts to bring them up, and for them to treat her such... all these was made worst by my brother telling her last week that he acknowledges no other people other than his wife and daughter. i am sure he did not mean to include my mum but to her, she imagined the worst. since that conversation with him, she had been talking about it none stop. sighs.

today was extra bad for her cos she couldn't contact my brother and wanted to see my niece so much. and by mid-day, she was clearly slipping into one of her depressive moods again. so i decided to bring her out for an excursion. to try to cheer her up, i asked if she wanted to watch a show. she seemed rather enthusiastic and readily agreed. have not seen her so excited for a long time. but i told her i could only confirm later in the day after checking the show times. so, it was with no promises. and to keep her enthusiasm, i asked if she wanted to head out to jalan jalan. her face brightened up and said she had not gone to the temple for a while. and so that was it. it would be her day out to the temple. at kmspks, i was surprised by her insistence to want to climb the stairs to pay respect to buddha and to the late venerable who officiated her taking of refuge in buddhism. and after that, we went to bao guang. i supposed it was a good outing for her given her chattiness throughout the excursion.

after all the temple visits, she said she was hungry and wanted to snack. it had been a while since she asked for snacks. usually, it would be me asking her if she wanted to snack. in order not to kill her cheerfulness, i decide to make our way to the airport for some vegetarian prata and appum... la la la... well, you very much know how the day went for her. after all the visits, she eventually decided against watching a show. i supposed she has her own reasons other than the fact that it would be a late show (the show starts at 9.45pm). but overall, i think it was a good day out. her day ended on a high note when my sis-in-law called and asked my niece to chat with her...

:-)

tensions

constant tensions balancing between giving mum and bee the attentions they both need. jealousy knows no logic. sometimes, i do not know how to manage.

and i certainly do not want to be forced to choose one or the other.

vesak preparations

once again, i will be observing my annual discipline to be vegetarian for 15 days from today as part of my preparations for vesak. and come next week, i will again shave bald/ cut my hair very short. need to remind myself not be attached to vanity.

phones

had problems with my bb curve (picture below) and got it changed today to a bb bold (picture above). need a couple more months before my company would change it to an iphone (for my company issued line). for now, well, bb it will be... then again, for my own personal line, i only need to wait a week plus more to reach the end of my contract due date. should be able to change my phone once the contract expires! hmmm... wonder if i should get an android phone or an iphone... anyone any advice?

(i am so used to the bb i think i will take some moments before i get used to having an iphone)

lotto

ok, to have such a photo in a gay person's blog seemed totally out of place. but then again, i thought it is appropriate for what i am posting here. and, i don't usually put jokes in my blog, but i thought i should do it this one time cos it certainly brought a little smile to me on this otherwise boring sunday morning... enjoy!

a blonde finds herself in serious trouble. her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. she's so desperate that she decides to ask the good lord for help.

she begins to pray..."oh good lord, please help me. i've lost my business and if I don't get some money, i'm going to sell my car. please let me win the lotto".

lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

with no where to go, and her business going bust, she had to sell her car to pay her debts. and once again, she decided to seek the good lord for help and again she prays... "oh good lord, please let me win the lotto! i've lost my business and my car. and if you still don't help me, i'm going to lose my house as well."

lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

resigned, she has no choice but to mortgage her house. yet her debts could not be resolved, and once again, she turned to the good lord. and she prays. "oh my good lord, why have you forsaken me? i've lost my business, my house, and my car. my children are starving. i don't often ask you for help, and i have always been a good servant to you. please let me win the lotto just this one time so i can get my life back in order."

suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. the blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of god himself... "sweetheart, work with me on this... buy a ticket."

picture from http://sesshumo.blogspot.com/2011/08/blog-post.html

cunts for sale

oooo... ntuc fairprice selling 3 young cunts for $2.60!

and oh, they come chilled & with pulp too!

:-)

time to go

my immediate boss resigned yesterday. he told me he has decided to move on and that he has more than enough of nonsense from the top management. and not too long after, my big boss (my immediate boss's boss) called me up to his office to tell me that since i am sick and i have a sick mother, i need to find a robust solution and i need to be fair to the company. he said that he cannot not squeeze me if he is squeezing other business unit heads just becos i am not well. and he said i need to be truthful to myself and added that if i cannot drive a big car, i should consider driving a smaller car or don't drive a car.

what do you make out of his sentences? frankly when he said what he said, i didn't know how to respond. i was shocked. first and foremost, it didn't sound like it was a human speaking. secondly, he was in no position to understand what i am going through. thirdly, i have been more than fair to the company and have put in more than my fair share of work. and although objectively speaking, his sentences sound logical, his tone did not. how could anyone be giving advices if his voice was raised and he talked like as though he was scolding you.

putting together his overall body posture, the words he used, tone of his voice, and the non-verbal body language, if i think i understood what he was saying, it is perhaps high time i look for a new job. i find it very difficult to accept these sentences from a top management after i have given in so much to the company. so much for having care are part of the core value! very disturbing. and totally bullshit! then again, no point getting emo over such things. time to move on?

any thoughts?

黄昏

黄昏 - 周传雄

过完整个夏天
忧伤并没有好一些
开车行驶在公路无际无边
有离开自己的感觉

唱不完一首歌
疲倦还剩下黑眼圈
感情的世界伤害在所难免
黄昏再美终要黑夜

依然记得从你口中说出再现坚决如铁
昏暗中有种烈日灼身的错觉
黄昏的地平线
划出一句离别
爱情进入永夜

依然记得从你眼中滑落的泪伤心欲绝
混乱中有种热泪烧伤的错觉
黄昏的地平线
割断幸福喜悦
相爱已经幻灭

mourn

just wondering... who will mourn for me when and if i die...

太想愛妳

wow! have almost forgotten this song!

forever enjoy 張信哲 / jeff chang's songs!

太想愛妳

慌亂城市中
連風都不自由
熱鬧的街頭
就屬我最寂寞
是愛的蠱惑
讓我又興起貪求的念頭
有多愛我
夠不夠久
會不會走

藏在柔順背後
你忠於自我
情愛裡遊走
從不曾見你低頭
我卻常犯錯
像一個太忙太累太傻的陀螺
轉個不休
只放不收
停不了手

太想愛你是我壓抑不了的念頭
想要全面佔領你的喜怒哀愁
你已征服了我
卻還不屬於我
叫我如何不去猜測你在想甚麼

太想愛你是我壓抑不了的折磨
能否請你不要不要選擇閃躲
只想愛你的我
太想愛你的我
難道只能在迷霧中猜你的輪廓

and here's a combination of 3 of my favourites from jeff chang.

太想愛你+過火+別怕我傷心



愛如潮水



:-)

你怎么舍得我难过

this next one is the ending of the gay movie 藍宇..

another nice song... but the production was so doh!... lolx!

对你的思念是一天又一天,
孤单的我还是没有改变,
美丽的梦何时才能出现,
亲爱的你好想再见你一面.

秋天的风一阵阵地吹过,
想起了去年的这个时候,
你的心到底在想些什么,
为什么留下这个结局让我承受.

最爱你的人是我,
你怎么舍得我难过,
在我最需要你的时候
没有一句话就走,

最爱你的人是我,
你怎么舍得我难过,
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过.

irony

the irony of many gays is that they are not gay at all...

sleep

sleep can be an escape.

in fact, it can be a very good escape.

i slept the whole day today.

沧海一声笑

one of those few rare songs sung by some of the giants in the scene.

this one by 黄沾 徐克 罗大佑... very nice!

enjoy!

凡人歌

have always enjoyed songs by 李宗盛. this is a good example of the kinda songs he used to sing. very real, very relevant to life. very different from the usual love love love love trash that every other father mother daughters & sons sing...

this is really what i call - quality song!

:-)

凡人歌

你我皆凡人　生在人世間　
終日奔波苦　一刻不得閒

(你)既然不是仙　難免有雜念　
道義放兩旁　(把)利字擺中間

多少男子漢　一怒為紅顏　
多少同林鳥　已成(了)分飛燕
人生何其短　何必苦苦戀　
愛人不見了　向誰去喊冤

問你何時曾看見　這世界為了人們改變
有了夢寐以求的容顏　是否就算是擁有春天