class started

started my buddhist class again today. did not attend the class last week... so i thought i better attend this week. simple and straight forward module on the life of buddha. then again, it is always good to listen to stories. and of cos, go to the temple. place where my mind can relax.

:-)

back to reality

it's back to work and there were lotsa things to catch up. certainly the inputs given over the past 2 days provided me with a lot more energy and ideas as to what i could do to improve on things and what to focus on in the coming workyear...

very busy, but happy.

:-)

asthma & chest infection

mum has been hospitalized again this evening. this time round - asthma and chest infection. i supposed i saw it coming. was with her yesterday and she could hardly breath properly. and her voice was weak...

well, let's hope she recovers well.

excellent 2 days

i had the most excellent 2 days of bonding with my colleagues.

it was really intense. after all my preparation, work and build up of activities, the discussions and presentations went on superbly well. the feedback was fast and furious. and by the time we ended the formal topics, i was almost half dead. mentally drained. and with that out of the way, we went for our team building activities.

all in all, i thought we all walked out of the activities very much more engaged, aligned and raring to go. felt good about it. and i think the whole team came out feeling closer. but the real work starts now. lots of follow up for the next few weeks.

:-)

ps: and i got shot real badly during the paint ball game. had 2 huge bruise at my neck and jaw and they looked really horrible, bruised, bloodied and swollen now. let's hope i don't get permanently disfigured by the scars...

correcting the wrong

i am trying to correct a lot of wrongs at my workplace, both at my unit-level and at the company-level. and it is so so so tiring.

at my unit-level, my predecessor always complained to me that the guys "are deadwood and cannot be improved". put simply, you cannot teach old dogs new tricks. and that the guys are all old dogs. when i asked him about why the unit did not do certain business, he consistently said, "aiyah... this one, don't do, no money to earn. that one, tsk tsk tsk... don't do also, only small money. must go for big money..." even if it meant going into areas that was not related to what our unit has been doing. well, i agree. and i do not agree. shall not elaborate further here.

so when he left, i inherited a unit that is weak, has no focus and a lot of morale issues. i understand my guys. how can the morale be high when they get reminded that they are worthless every month right? everyone is working very hard. but there is no clear vision, no clarity of directions except to earn money. i mean, how can there be a vision what he kept chasing money without giving two hoots about the unit's expertise right? and there was a lot of cynicism and fear in committing errors. every slight mistake is not tolerated. i could see that he thrived on the idea of divide and rule. divide the unit, create a lot of tensions and play up people's fears, and rule them based on fear. and then dangle rewards once a while and convince people that he really care for them... hmmmm, in short, they were treated like dogs! sorry to have to use such harsh words but it seemed that way. there was also no focus on professional development as far as i could see... well, that explains the deadwood. thinking back, i supposed the unit has hit the state of negative reinforcing cycle.

so for now after taking over, i am trying to get my people to articulate a vision. donno how people can survive so long without a clarity of their vision. i am also trying to get my people to know their mission. i am trying to get people to know their purpose in life at work. it is a refreshing start for all. and being new to this kinda approach, there is a lot of cynicism and uneasiness. but well, the only saving motivation for me at this point is that they seemed rather happy about this development and me. so...

at the company-level, trying to put fundamentals at the right place so that the company can be strong at the base. been like that for too long. exterior, looks very good. but internally, a lot of unstable systems. so, what i am trying to do is to try to put things right. and i can see a lot of resistance. people are going for the quick buck to get the revenue without a giving any damn about systems. or rather, at the expense of organisational systems. there is absolutely no system-discipline. to me, this is no go. how can a company go far if everyone don't have discipline? well, if i succeed in getting systems correct, it will bring the company ahead further. to me, i consider what i am doing (getting the fundamentals right) as a strategic objective.

having said all these, i am not sure whether what i am doing will work, both at the unit-level as well as at the company-level. whether my team will move with me and whether i can sustain the buy-in from management. i know that what i am doing is correct although it will mean it will drain me of my energy, and does not nec contribute to my unit's p&l. also, what i am doing might possibly cause me to die a horrible death if i cannot sustain the efforts...

am i being idealistic or am i just simply stupid?

i donno. really, i donno. but all i know is that i know what i am doing is right. and if it is right, i must be ok. let's just hope management thinks it is right too... well... at most, i move on. right? right.

so, for now, wish me luck. a lot of luck.

:-)

mars & venus

men are really from mars and women are really from venus! arghhhh... one woman at work is really driving me nuts! nice to her, she tries to flirt, gets personal, and donno how to draw line between personal view and work view. try to be more official, she also take it personal and reads between the lines and create a lot of unnecessary assumptions and tensions... sighs.

well, so i did what i thought was best.

i ignored her.

heh heh heh...

:-)

blame it on the...

i looked at the many postings of people in facebook and came to some pretty interesting conclusions... conclusions that are not new to me actually. only that the facebook experience reminded me of the lessons all over again...

we all have the tendency to blame it on the devil out there!

we tend to blame all sorts of things on things external to us. eg we blame this or that persons for making us unhappy, for making us fail, we blame the alcohol we drink for getting us dead drunk, we blame the lecturers for making the questions difficult when we fail our tests, we even blame the food we eat when we get fat, etc etc etc...

but thinking deeper, for everything that was articulated, were the things we blamed the source of the our negative experiences, our unhappiness, our dissatisfactions, etc? or... were we really the source of the problem? if we get fat, was it the food, or was it the fact that we chose to eat the food? if we got unhappy, wasn't it the fact that we allowed ourselves to become unhappy in the first place? did we not have a choice? etc etc etc...

so... yup, for everything we do, we tend to see the source of our problems as out there. shouldn't we, for a start, accept that the devil is actually in us. if we can acknowledge that, it will lead us to start taking the right path to look inwards and to kill our own internal devil. that would be the best way to attain eternal happiness. and much as the devil is in us, all things good and happy are in us too. if we can choose to be pure and compassionate, to be wise and to be contented, we can get out of our negative cycle of unhappiness and attain eternal happiness.

no?

my funeral (updated)

i think i better give an update as to how i want my funeral to be done. i realized i have not updated it since my last post on the same subject. and no, i am not pantang (superstitious) and do not think it is taboo to talk about such subjects, even if it involves me. it is the responsible thing to do. well, here goes... well, here goes...

yes, it will be a buddhist funeral. a simple coffin, cremation followed by sea burial, no frills. coffin for hygiene reasons, cremation and sea burial so that there will not be any future physical remnants of me to remind people about. i'd rather be remembered for my contributions to people's lives, good or bad. and if it was bad, i do seek forgiveness and give assurances that there was never any ill-intentions.

as for everything else, it is secondary. afterall, as a buddhist who does not place too much attachments to things around me, i believe i will die contented (see me remarks below too). i come with nothing and go with nothing.

then again, i shall write these here so that there would be no ambiguity as to how things should be done. i cannot assume people around me has the same ideas of doing things and that if i do not make it explicit, i risk having my loved ones disagreeing on things. nope. this should not happen. not over my dead body (no pun intended here!) heh heh... ok, back to my point. post-death rituals are done to provide the living with a closure, not for the dead. afterall, when i am dead, what more do i need? my body was nothing but a shell where my consciousness once resided. yup. so as a practising buddhist and that everyone around me know i was a buddhist when i was alive, my wake and funeral would be along the same practises as what everyone would expect a buddhist funeral to be like. vegetarian offerings, nightly prayers, donning my buddhist robes that i wore when i took my refuge, simple 3 or 5-day wake (whichever is more convenient). there should be no taoist paraphernalia, this means no joss papers, no paper dolls, no paper houses, no white candles, not green joss sticks etc.

simple, sweet and straight forward.

:-)

ps: previously, i wanted the song "tender" by blur to be played during my wake. it was a song that i held dear as it connected me to a significant period in my past. but i do not think it is necessary to be played during my wake/ funeral now, not that it is any less important, it is just that i am convinced i need not be held hostage to my past by it. so, no need to be attached to such songs anymore. afterall, how can i go peacefully if i continue to be attached to songs of my past...

time flies

time really flies when you are busy. every week, it seemed like i have not enough time to do my work. and more often than not, when meetings come around and when i have to report follow-up actions, i would be going "oh shit! i have not done this... i have not done that..." it can be rather stressful!

anyway, this week zipped by faster than i thought. but i am rather happy this week. the replacement for my previous position reported and the new chap has run in rather well. so, it was a great mental break for me. also, i have started the process of engaging my people in visioning and objective setting for the next year... it should end with a unit-level workshop this coming week overseas! in a way, i am looking forward to it as it would be the first time i would be able to connect with my whole unit without any disturbances and distractions from daily work.

so... yes, for the first time after so long, i managed to sleep very well last night.

:-)

lunch with tim

sometime back, i was introduced to this char siew, roast-meat, roast-duck shop near lorong tai seng. and i thought the food was really good. yumz... i told myself i'd visit the place again sometime.

and yesterday, i had the opportunity to visit it again. i had lunch with tim. and since tim worked nearby, i thought it would be a good idea to eat there. it was a simple lunch but very nice lunch. the food was of course as good as i first tasted it. but, and more importantly, the company was good. it was rather surprising that we both got along rather well although it was only the second time we met. well... i supposed the fact that both of us are introverts and relate better in a small group/ one-to-one helped a lot.

:-)

boy @ pool

this very interesting incident that happened at the pool recently.

i had gone to the pool for a tan. tanning near me was a guy who was in a world of his own and listening to his iphone. at some point, i felt the sun was too scorching and decided to take shelter at the tent. the guy must have felt similar for he did the same and we ended up sitting in the shelter, each of us minding our own business. me, clearing my emails on my blackberry while he, reading his story book and listening to his music. and he placed his iphone on the table.

in the wading pool (that we were facing), there were tens (perhaps 50-60) of kids playing. suddenly, one little boy of about 5-6 years of age rushed to our tentage and headed straight for the iphone. he extended his dripping wet hands to grab the iphone. the guy quickly snatched it away from the table. the boy was obviously displeased with the fact that his object of desire was denied of him and started demanding to know why he couldn't have the phone. but before he owner could answer, the boy asked - got angry bird game or not? got angry bird game or not? the guy said yes. with this confirmation, the boy tried to grab the phone again and said he wanted to play. by this time, the guy was really pissed off and told the boy rather firmly - your hands are wet, you cannot have the phone! and just as suddenly as the boy appeared, he left the scene.

it all happened too fast. now... what made me rather shocked by this whole incident was the boy's lack of value inculcation. the fact that the boy could speak rather good english probably showed that he came from a sufficiently well-to-do family. but it was shocking to see him try to grab something that was not his and demanded for it like as thought he has the right to it. was he not even taught to not take things that do not belong to him? was he not at least taught to at least ask politely if he wants to borrow things?... hmmmm... the whole incident made me feel a little sick. i cannot imagine what the boy would turn out to be in future...

sighs...

home

mum got discharged today.

:-)

64175

well, those are the numbers associated with my mum's hospitalisation details.

:-)

stomach pains

mum is currently awaiting admission following her routine check-up at sgh. apparently, she has complained of pains in her stomach and the doctor, upon examining her, decided that she should be admitted. hmmm... awaiting details now. will pay her a visit this evening once the ward and room numbers are confirmed.

mike charlie

been a while since i last took mc. and today, i woke up feeling rather sick. and i decided to take the mc. well... actually, i could have gone to work if i wanted to. but decided against it. the following are some things that crossed my mind this morning....

• it would be irresponsible of me if i were to infect others at work
• work will not end even if i were to go to work today
• even if i were to die, work will still carry on...
• what more if i were to take one day mc off work
• there is no stuff that cannot be addressed via my blackberry
• need to know when to work and when to rest
• if i am sick, i better rest

heh heh... so... i decided to take a day's mc to rest at home. went to the doctor again and let him do a check on me. yup. he said, i needed the rest. and so... yup, here i am resting at home...

:-)

mid-life crisis?

lately, i have been feeling very unsettled. cannot really pinpoint where the issues are or what the issues are. but all i know is that work is stressful, people are not co-operative, everyone is selfish, and there is no motivation for me to work. i also felt i am being underpaid. the idea of changing job did cross my mind although rationally i told myself i need to hold on for 2 years at least to build up my credibility and my resume. and thinking about this, i began to also get calculative and start to feel irritated about money issues. sighs... personal-front, there is the issue of being bored and feeling alone. and the fact that bee is frequently working late and involved in his office's many off-office hours gatherings does not help.

as of now, the mind is disturbed and agitated and the heart is restless. is this what some people described as mid-life crisis?

i think i need to do something about it.

a visit to the doctor

i visited the doctor this morning after breakfast. and it was a long wait for my turn. during the wait, i had the chance to read through all the different brochures on display. there were brochures related to erectile dysfunction, testosterone injections, sugar control for diabetic patients, etc etc etc... i went through them all. one by one. i had a lot of time after all.

when i looked through the one on testosterone injections, i almost fell off my chair. everything that was described as symptoms of testosterone deficiency, i have. hahahahaha... feeling uninterested in things, checked. feeling tired all the time, checked. difficulty falling asleep at nights, checked. waking up early, feeling tired through the day, checked. grumpy and grouchy and gets irritated easily over small things, checked. general body aches, checked. feeling lazy and not wanting to exercise, checked. lessening frequency and intensity of morning erections, errr... have not really paid much attention down there in the morning, but well, perhaps not so intense... ok, ok, checked. hahaha... and the list went on.

i passed the list to bee to take a look and damned it! he started reading it out loud and started laughing. i had to quickly tell him not to read it out. and even then, he went hmmmm, nod head, hmmmm, nod head and giggled along the way. sighs... but well, whether it is real or not, it doesn't matter to me. after all, at 45yrs old, i cannot expect myself to be on the same health-level as a young 20-plus year old stud. as long as i am still functioning well, have my basic needs met, i am happy...

:-)

ps: and oh, i visited the doctor as i felt a little warm and woke up with a terrible pain at my throat. it was not the normal sore throat kinda feeling. for the whole night, it felt like someone was strangling me and the strangling was firm and taut. thinking back, last night, i couldn't even yawn cos the pain in the throat (through the whole neck, ok, deep inside the throat) was very uncomfortable. and on top of that, i kept sneezing non-stop, have highly irritable throat that made me cough violently non-stop and my whole body ached like crazy! one word - flu. sighs...

me the nurturer

my mbti score indicates my personality as the "nurturer"... a person who takes nurturing people like fish takes to water... and i think so too. i enjoy coaching and developing people. i have been so my whole life. the satisfaction of knowing people learn and become successful and that i had contributed to their success journey is very good. i supposed there is a lot of commonality between this mbti personality and my personal belief of being non-confrontational, compassionate, and helping as many people as i can. and that, i believe are some of the reasons why mahayana buddhism attracts me so much. the notion of live-and-let-live, of acceptance and of being compassionate... all these are so me.

but frankly, the flip side to all these helping and nurturing people can be difficult when it comes to the workplace. it is easier said than done, apart from being met with a lot of scepticism and suspicion, people can also perceive such a character to be very uncompetitive... sighs... very tiring...

am i being uncompetitive? hmmm....

perhaps, perhaps not... thinking deeper, i think it is not my personality that makes me less competitive at work. rather, i am not very business savvy. i am competitive in other ways (that may not be related to business). also, i think i have other weaknesses and these include my own lack of confidence and my desire for affirmations by bosses. how can i be more firm and stand up to make my stand when i feel strongly about an issue... and i believe i also have, at times, make use of my nurturing self as an excuse to hide my lack of confidence. there are lots of things to learn and to improve myself...

press on! press on!

:-)

tgif

i have never felt so relief that it is friday for so long... this week was one helluva week for me. highly stressful and full of appointments, meetings, datelines, etc. and to make things worst, my right hand man was gone for his in-camp training and i am left to do lots of stuff...

yes! it is weekend! hurray!

:-)

first presentation

i made my first presentation to my top management today. and well, apart from a little stuttering and getting myself tongue tight for a question or two, i thought everything went rather well...

pat on my back!

:-)

spring cleaning

did not write about this earlier. but thought well.. what the heck, might as well put into writing. there was a significant item that i threw away in this year's springing - my sony ericsson handphone.

i had bought it when i first got to know bee. and that was when i was still with james. it was a huge thick phone and i stopped using it sometime in late 2005/ early 2006 when the no-camera phone policy was implemented. i had kept it with the hope of using it sometime. but eventually i lost the charger. and i had since kept it in the original box in my cabinet.

i had not disposed off the phone despite the fact that the battery had flattened out. apart from hoping to be able to use it again, it reminded me so much of the very difficult period between relationships. and in it, i had saved all the messages i sent to james - about our tensions, about our break-ups, etc etc etc... and during the initial months following our break-up, i would read the messages and then my tears would start to flow.

well... i finally threw it away.

in a huge way, i was spring cleaning my life. time to put another piece of my past to rest.

death

yesterday and today was weird. last evening, i got an sms from my staff telling me that my previous boss's bro had passed on. well, my first reaction was - so? death is but part of life right? and further more, it was someone's bro and it would be weird for me to go for the wake right? and so, i did not respond.

i went to work today and the email floated around informing all of this news. weird i thought. since when a bro's passing on has become an issue? i paid not heed to it other than hope the passing was a painless one. later the after, i got another call from another staff. she told me another one of my ex-boss's mum has also passed on. hmmmm... weird wasn't it? another one in the spate of 2 days... i felt a little saddened that someone i know has to go through the process of losing someone dear.

the day passed by and by evening, i went to the car and checked my phone. i had 3 unread smses. one was from an ex-student wishing my happy lunar new year. and the other 2 came from an ex-colleague and a friend. both smses were similar. both told me that they have learned of another person's parent passing on...

wah... this was ultimate. i total of 4 news related to deaths in a day. ouch! how much more coincidental could it be? arghhh... i sat back. and i reflected. well, their time is up. let's hope their passing was a painless one. and may they rest peacefully.

she talks again

after a couple of days, my mum started talking to me again. last evening, i gave her a call and she answered. it was a 10 sec conversation that went something like - have you eaten?... yes i have... ok, bye... but i thought it was a good start. it felt a little awkward and i thought she reacted a little weird too. today, i called again and at least the conversation lasted a little longer.

well... either she has forgotten what happened, or she has moved on.

:-)

sore throat

i have eaten so much these days i think i'm gonna fall sick. throat feeling a little sore, a little runny nose, body aches... of cos, i think food is not the cause of it all. but i am sure the heavy food intake certainly did contribute to me falling sick.

and all these symptoms don't seemed to be too good.

hmmm...

tim

bee and i had a very pleasant lunch today with tim and sam today.

frankly, being a rather reserved person, i was a little apprehensive about meeting tim. a little shy too i must say. but something told me that it would be perfectly fine cos sam and bee would be there. and both of them, being the "e"-type (extraverted), i was sure they would be able to make the lunch an interactive one. and i was right! in the end, the lunch went through smoothly and it turned out better than i thought.

glad to have finally met tim. he, like me, is a quiet and very reserve person (more so than me actually). and i think i can get along very well with him.

:-)

back to reality

and so, the 4 days of break is over. tomorrow, we will all start work. it's back to reality... these 4 days have been rather busy for me. and despite the fact that i wanted not to celebrate lunar new year, i still had to fulfil my obligations to visit my mum, temples, larry's and my aunt's place. not many visits, in fact one of the fewest visits in my whole life. yet, i felt rather tired by the whole 4-days of eating. interestingly enough, during these 4 days, apart of today, i woke up at 6-ish every morning. and i was able to do my morning walk or swim. at least this made me feel a little less guilty about all the food.

as for today, i woke up at 8.30. something that i had not done for a long time. but well, wasn't complaining. i was really tired from all the eating. in fact, it felt so uncomfortable sleeping with a full stomach and i didn't get to sleep well at all. and it was near daybreak before i actually fell into a deep sleep. it's weird, but in a way, i am looking forward to starting work again tomorrow.

:-)

lousy lny

it was indeed my worst lny since many years ago. woke up this morning, went for a swim and was about to take a bathe when i noted i had a missed call from my mum. i called back and next thing i knew, she screamed at me and asked why i had not gone there (to my bro's place). was rather upset by the tone and told her off. she had told me last evening to be there for lunch at about noon and after that we would head to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad. and it was only 10-plus and she was already chiding me for not being there. then she gave some cock and bull story that she wanted to go to the temple. i was really pissed off by then as she had never ever told me about wanting to go to the temple. i rushed through my bathe and went straight to my brother's place.

and when i arrived at 11-plus, she behaved like a spoilt kid. she didn't want to talk to me, refused to take lunch, refused to take her medication... and when all of us took our lunch, she went to her room and refused to come out. and after lunch, she said she didn't want to pay respects to my dad. i went to her room and apologize to her but told her that she was being unreasonable in chiding me in the morning for being late when it was not even made known to me that she wanted me to be there that early. and then, she rebutted and said that 10-plus was already considered very late... well, it was clear to me she was simply throwing tantrums and after that she continued refusing to talk to me. and when my brother asked her again if she wanted to go pay respects to my dad, she refused to. and so, my bro's family and i went ahead for the prayers. but even before we drove off, the maid called and told my brother my mum was insisting on heading out of the house and that she said she wanted to go to the temple (another temple and not to one she told me she had wanted to go to). my brother was rather pissed off by her behaviour by then but asked her to wait for him to return.

i came home after all the hoohah and ended up feeling moody the whole day. by evening, as per my routine, i called my mum. and as expected, she refused to answer my call. sighs. so be it. not a very pleasant thing to happen for the first day of the lunar new year. it certainly screwed up the whole mood.

no proactive sending of wishes

every festival, i would sent out personalized smses to all my friends. i would type their names, one by one and the wishes before i send out the smses. this process would take me more than an hour at times. some people told me i was too free but i thought it was something nice to do. but this lunar new year, i decided i shall not do so. instead, shall only do so for my family members, relatives and a selected few lifelong friends. as for others, i shall only reply whoever sends me the well-wishes.

heh heh, it's just the little devil in me that is working up (there are the curious insecure me and the stingy practical me). you see, i have always been curious whether people remember me or in a thick skin way - how popular am i amongst my friends - and whether i am worth their little effort to take up the phone to sent me their well wishes... also, by not sending any smses, i would actually save on my sms costs... and so, i get a 2-in-1 findings...

heh heh...

then again, i reckoned the findings would be totally unimportant to me. if people do send me their well-wishes, i would simply thank them for it. but for those who do not, it does not necessarily mean they are any less "friend". there could be thousand and one reasons why they did not. for that matter, some of them may be like me - waiting for people to sent so they can reply, or they may simply be too lazy to do so... and whatever way it is, it has nothing to do with me... and it is probably illogical for me to gauge the level of friendship simply by an sms.

have a good lunar new year break and a healthy and happy year ahead everyone!

bak kwa sapphie

i woke up this morning and found sapphie's food bowl half-filled. usually she would have complete her food through the night. i thought it was rather weird she left half a bowl behind. and when i saw the empty bak kwa container on the floor... i found my answer...

now i am worried. how will her skin react? she is supposed to be on strict no meat diet. in fact, she hasn't taken any meat for the last year plus! and to think that suddenly she down almost half a kg of bak kwa... hmmm, cannot imagine. the high sodium content found in bak kwa will surely wreck havoc and make her fur drop! sighs. just have to wait and see...

hope she remains ok...

traditions

there are some things that i still do these days as part of tradition. these include tying 8 shoots of garlic ("sng" in hokkien) and placing them in my living room over the chinese new year period, placing oranges by these garlic shoots, buying rice cake (nian gao) for lunar new year as well as doing spring cleaning.

firstly, garlic shoot in hokkien is pronounced as "sng" and it sounded like "counting", meaning i will be blessed with money to count through the year. when i was young, my mum would purchase garlic shoots and place them in her marketing basket every year. she explained that this symbolizes having money in the basket, and that means the family would be blessed with abundance of food through the year! she would also cook them for reunion dinner as a standard "must have" dish. it's a very hokkien thing as far as i know. as for the rice cake (nian gao), my mum would offer them to the gods a week before lunar new year before sending them back to heavens. apparently, there was a story that goes something like - offer sweet rice cake so that the gods will report sweet and good things about the family. and another story that suggests that because the rice cake is so sticky, the gods cannot say anything bad about the family as their mouth will all be all stuck... heh heh... whatever it is, nowadays, i purchase the rice cake as i thought it is a very chinese thing to do and that after chinese new year, i can fry it for tea/ dessert (yes, i love rice cake!). and as for spring cleaning, it is simply the right thing to do. a perfect excuse for me to do my annual major cleaning of the house. it is not just a tradition thing, it is also a hygienic act.

bee asked if by doing them, i am being superstitious and not buddhistic. i thought about it and decided that no, i choose to think i am just observing some traditions as these practises connect me to the very sense of being chinese (or at least, my being a part of my family)...

:-)

excitement no more?

this year's lunar new year is such a non-event for me. is this a case of me getting older? is it a case of age robbing me of the excitement of lunar new years? hmmm... then again, when i thought about it, it is not only for lunar new year, i simply do not get excited about any festivals anymore. in fact, i treat all festivals as time to rest. and to recuperate.

and on occasions where i actually do something about the festival, it would be to "go along" with the mood and celebrations of people around me. it was my sense of duty that made me do it. just like when i last celebrated hari raya puasa, it was a case of me doing it becos i wanted to do the right thing - ie, to make sure i wish my muslim staff well on their festival. and it was the same for deepavali, and it was also the same for christmas.

hmmm... or perhaps, it is becos of my non-attachment to these events anymore? hmmm...

whatever the case, festivals nowadays are not about me. it is about celebrating the people around me. i will still give out oranges to my staff and ang pows to the cleaner lady tomorrow. i need to continue to show my appreciation to them. doing such acts is not about me. it is about rembering people. it is about appreciating people. it is about thanking them for all the support and the hard work they have done. and i will still attend reunion dinners with my mum and brother's family. and come lunar new year itself, i will still head to my brother's place to wish my mum long life.

:-)

do you know?

do you know that in vietnam, they do not celebrate the year of the rabbit? instead, they celebrate the "year of the cat"!

meow!

my fav things - no!

i thought the whole idea using julie andrews' "these are a few of my favorite things" song for the cold storage advertisement is such a wrong thing to do! how could they use such a beautiful song for an advert!

hmmph!

impressed

i was so impressed with the customer service at asus! took leave today and decided to sent my laptop for repair. i have had my laptop for a year plus and was sure my warranty had expired.

so, i went there with full intention to ask how much the repairs would be and for my keypad to be changed. when i arrived there, the guy took my laptop, took a look at the serial number and then told me my laptop is still within the warranty period and that he will change my keyboard totally free-of-charge. no questions asked. and he told me further that if i face any further problems from now till sep 11, i can still get back to them.

:-)

and so, i now have my laptop in full functions again! and of cos, i am blogging again!

hurray!

taking leave

tomorrow is the first time i am taking leave since starting work...

heh heh...

picking poo

well, until today, i'm still picking up the shit of the person i took over. sighs...

mm and the gay issue

been reading quite a bit about the gay community discussing about how mm lee views homosexuality. and there was certainly a lot of split topics and useless blabber, as well as speculation about why he said all these things. and frankly, i find it very tiring to read these blabbers, and many a times, very unconstructive and downright stupid comments.

but apart from the many useless and often very stupid comments, i guess the social discourse is good for the society as a whole. and i do sense a strong desire by the gay community to want to seek societal acceptance. i suppose it is important to many. for me, regardless of whether the local authorities are gonna accept gays or not, it is not going to change anything. i am gay and i am perfectly happy with who i am and what i am and nothing is gonna change how i live my life. 377a or not.

flu season

the papers reported that singapore is experiencing a flu epidemic currently. well, epidemic or not, all i know is that i am feeling a little under the weather currently. have a little runny nose and really wishing for a break from work...

looking forward to this coming short workweek.

gay sex bunnies

saw these bunnies at the changi airport ntuc store. i looked at the figurines and immediately concluded that it must be made in china cos only chinese - as in china chinese - writes the 'r' like 'y'... and so, the word 'garden' becomes 'gay den'... and this gives a whole new meaning to the idea that gay men are sex crazy bunnies...

ha ha ha...

nude tanning

i miss the good old days when one can go to the isolated beach at fort road to tan in the nude.

well, of cos, i was referring to the infamous gay beach of singapore... and frankly speaking, i thought the whole gay beach thing was blown out of proportion by some attention-seeking people and journalists. the people i knew who tanned there regularly did so discreetly and hidden from the public. but well... i supposed there were a couple of people who screwed things up for the rest of us.

sighs...

but yup, i do miss the place lots. it was one of the only place where i could escape to. away from the discriminating and stifling world.

picture from http://kim-thenextphase.blogspot.sg/2011/05/right-to-bare.html

screwed up finances

i have worked like crazy for the last 7 months and have been promoted in dec 2010. yet, i think there is something very wrong about my expenses or the way i have planned my finances. over these 7 months, i have not realized any savings. instead, i had dug in deeper into my savings… and if this were to go on, it could only mean that i would soon be borrowing money to pay my income tax!

what is happening!?!

hmmph!

wet wet end of tiger year

it’s been raining crazy past 2 weeks and today it had been raining cats and dogs since morning. think the weather is going a little cranky. feng shui people will probably blame it on the change of zodiac sign from the ferocious tiger to the docile, gentle rabbit. and the scientists will probably say it is due to global warming la la la… whatever it is, one can either see it positively as it can be great for snuggling and lazing in bed, or see the weather as a great screw-up for outdoor plans like suntanning, games etc.

schedule for cny 2011

was initially thinking of heading overseas for a short break over the cny period. afterall, i have not taken a break from my work since i started working in june last year and frankly speaking, i am rather exhausted now. but before i can even go about planning for it, i get people texting me – come over 2nd day cny ok? come over 3rd day cny ok? etc… and so before i know it, my schedule for cny dinners from cny eve to 4th day has been fully booked.

and oh, this is gonna be an interesting 4th day cny. i will be meeting up with tim eventually! looking forward to the meeting.

heh heh…

new year, new wishes, new friends, what a great start to the year!

cny preparations 2011

this year, i do not feel the mood for cny at all! in fact, i didn’t even realize cny is just round the corner. it is such a non-event for me this year. this is such a great contrast compared to last year where i spent almost a month cleaning the house and preparing for it. heh heh… i guess it is also due to my pre-occupation with my work that cny is such a low key thing for me this time round.

the spring cleaning was done over 2 weekends. and even then, it was merely a touch and go thing. so unlike last year where everything was literally turned inside out, upside down and wiped, cleaned, washed and dustered. then again, it could be that due to last year’s great clean up that i need not do so much this year…

but i reckoned – the day will come and before you know it, it will be over. so… what’s the big fuss right? if cny is about family get-together and bridging bonds, then spring cleaning is about keeping things clean and hygienic. so, from this perspective, i think i have not gone very far…

eye bags

i was talking to karstan last week and he told me about how a dermatologist had used liquid nitrogen to remove a wart on his leg. the conversation drifted to plastic surgery. and i shared with him that i had considered going for surgery to have my eye bags removed. but the reasons that had stopped me from doing so was firstly the cost and secondly whether i want to cross the imaginary line of resorting to plastic surgery for vanity reasons. my eye bags really make me look like a panda and it really makes me look very tired and unpresentable at work. i initially had the same dilemma when it comes to lasik previously, but i had overcome the logic of vanity cos lasik also carries the practicality and cost reasons. firstly with lasik, one can go about doing sports without the hassle of the specs slipping off one’s nose. thus, it contributes to health. secondly, lasik is relatively cheaper these days and over the long time, using contact lenses would actually be more expensive given the need to buy saline, cleanser, cost of contact lenses etc… but for the record, i have yet to undergo lasik. if i do, i need to undergo a procedure that needs to correct presbyopia too! ha ha…

so… should i get my eye bags remove?

hmmm…

my phone

my samsung phone has also gone bonkers. you see, since last week, i was not able to type the letter “a”. the touchpad was no longer sensitive and when i touch the letter “a”, the letter “s” would appear. i thought it was the letter “a” problem. and so i tried turning it to the side to use the keypad on the landscape manner. this time round, i could type “a” but instead couldn’t type “m”. it was then that i concluded that the problem is a keypad sensitivity issue and not an issue associated with any letters.

thus far, i have been keeping my work and personal-use segregated for work and personal use respectively. the only personal numbers i called using my work phone were my family members and bee. but since i got this keypad problem, i have started to use my work-phone for friends. then again, i have restricted it to a very small numbers of them.

so now, my next question is – should i expand my work-phone use to all my personal friends too? or should i buy a new personal phone?

hmmmm…

mum had a fall

mum had a fall on the early morning of 27 jan, thursday. i was in the middle of a workshop when i received a call from my brother late morning. he told me mum was complaining of body aches and chest pains and wanted to see the doctor. he called the ambulance from work despite mum’s insistence to take the mrt. after he hung up, i called mum to talk to her. she sounded normal. but i was not about to take any chance too, and i convinced her that the ambulance was a better option cos we could never be too sure if her pains would deteriorate quickly on the way there. i had to do a presentation in the pm and assessing that she would be fine, i let the domestic help accompany her to the hospital in the ambulance.

the maid called me back in the late pm that mum was under observation and that she had undergone some blood tests and chest x-rays. i had given my presentation and decided that i should visit mum. at the hospital, i learned of how mum fell.

it was about 5am when she felt she needed to go to the loo. she woke up and made her way to the toilet. the domestic help, who slept beside her bed, was awakened and helped her. but as she was about to enter the toilet, she slipped and fell. and well, it was lucky that she fell onto the domestic help (although of cos, it was not a good thing for the domestic help). the domestic help screamed for my brother but as he was in the other room, he didn’t hear her. mum recovered from the fall, managed to move aside and was helped back to bed. she told the domestic help not to tell my brother about the incident as she was afraid my brother would chide her for getting out of bed. by late morning, the pain began to build up and soon enough, my mum had difficulty breathing… the rest was history.

by the time i got to the hospital, mum’s x-ray and blood test results were out. she was found to be ok. she was given some painkiller and medication to help her clear her stomach gas and told to head home to rest. it was a scare for me, but luckily, things turned out ok. and of cos, i had the domestic help to thank for buffering the fall. if mum had not fallen on her, i believe the outcome would have been a lot more dangerous.

blogging on another computer

i have lessened my blogging considerably lately as my keyboard has gone crazy. and this is no good cos at the rate things are going, i will probably end up loosing the momentum and loosing the interest to blog altogether.

and this is not good for me cos through blogging, i get to clarify my thoughts and in the process learn more about myself as well as the things i am doing currently. you see, i am not a person who can think on my feet as well as i want to. i need to take a pause, reflect through the issues and then critically sieve out the important things. it’s just the way i am wired up. reflecting and writing things down allow me to draw connections and see things at a higher logic levels. it is my way of thinking through things critically. it helps. so… blogging helps learn about my own life and how i learn from it.

and i adopt the same approach when it comes to work too. and i can see that every time do that, the things that i conclude has a lot more depth and that people cannot refute. and to me, this is an important outcome. it compensates for me keeping quiet most of the times. and no, in case i gave the wrong impression, i do not blog about work work per se. at work, i achieve the same outcome by writing things down and penning my thoughts (even as simple as writing it down on ppt slides). it helps me connect things and see them at organizational levels, which i thought made more impact and relevance to people up there rather than blabbering about things at my level (which may sound rather self-centric and turn management off).

i guess this is one of the nature of introverted persons like me. typical of the i-type personality defined by the mbti personality types…

ok, i think i better stop here before i blabber further.

heh heh...

ps: for the record, i am writing this blog on another laptop using microsoft word and transferring it to my personal computer to upload into my blog! heh heh… i don’t believe in doing personal stuff on work computers. not very correctly ethically. and of cos not to mention what or who will get to read what i write if my work computer gets into another person’s hands…

new start @ workplace

the person i took over had moved out finally after more than a month plus of squatting in the office. and during this time, he had constantly created quite a bit of issues in the office. i had initially thought it was unintentional, but after seeing it happen again and again, i am now rather convinced that it was deliberate. and i see 2 trends.

firstly, it was clear that he was doing so as a last effort to create an image of a great boss and to discredit me. and i say this becos i learned from my staff that he kept telling them "if i were still your boss, i would...". as for me, i couldn't be bothered. the fact is that, he is no longer the boss and as the boss now, i do what i think is right and i sense all my staff are behind me in what i am doing. secondly, he is trying to break up the unit. and he did soby cleverly capitalizing on the character weaknesses and insecurities of some of my staff to create morale problems both at the individual-level and causing rift and tensions between individuals. and it was clear it was not going down with a couple of my staff. so it was certainly a great relief for me to see him move out.

frankly, i sense a heave of relief amongst many of my staff to see him go. i feel sad for him - why can't he get over his insecurities? why must he go about destroying what he built up over the pass few years? well... with his moving out, it is time for healing to start. i have much to do to win hearts and to get people on the generative mode of things rather than dwell in the destructive and unproductive mode. they have been suppressed for far too long. i need to get them out of the shell.

he336

it's been a while since i've written any entry in this blog. and apart from time factor, one other factor is the fact that i continue to face issues with my keyboard. as of now, it has gone crazy. for certain keys to work, i've had to press the "function" key in order to get it to work. so, my title that is supposed to say "hello" ended up looking like "he336"...

i suspect there is something i can do to get this sorted out but i am too lazy to find out.

so...