long weekend

i realized that watching a show on friday nights (or for that matter, the evening of the last work day of the week) makes my weekend feel longer.

psychological i supposed.

:-)

gym passes

after reading about how pilates was helpful to my condition, gavin sent me an email yesterday about free passes to his gym and the options to attend their classes. redeemed from his membership perks. i was so touched by this gesture of his! i have rarely experienced anyone doing things for me.

thanks my friend!

tanned men?

had my dinner with bee bee at marutama ramen (liang court) earlier. new outlet. but the food was way below the standard set by marutama ramen (central) - the first and original one. anyway, there was this one particular ramen that i am sure many of my friends would like... not the noodle per se, but hmmm, how should i put it...

the name of this noodle was "tan-men". i mean, who wouldn't like men who are tanned right? i so love all tan men! and edible too! yumz... better if they don't cum.. i mean, come in bowls. heh heh...

k, k... just being cheeky. francis had asked me two days ago how come my recent posts all so depressing ones, gavin had also felt i was having mood swings. well... hope this post change their mind about me. heh!

味道

辛曉琪's 味道. this was another one of my "coming out" songs. so happy to be able to remember and find this song in youtube. have been trying to remember what the song title was for a while now. and then suddenly it flashed just as i was lying in bed.

perhaps the only song i know that has the word "socks" in the lyrics!

:-)

waking up late

it feels so good to be able to laze in bed, and wake up at 9 plus these 2 days. the good feeling is accentuated by the fact of knowing my colleagues are at work!

heh heh...

:-)

burial

today is the funeral of bee bee's grandma. been 5 days since she passed on. she will buried at the choa chu kang chinese cemetary. been a while since i attended a burial, the last being that of my godma in the late 90s.

let's hope the sky holds up.

perfection in imperfections

wonder how come i kept bumping into issues related to death recently. even this tv ad by mcys. anyway, i thought the recent ads by mcys are very much more appealing. not like those previously that was so hardselling and preachy.

enjoy!

:-)

ps: knowing that it was an ad by mcys, my attention was automatically drawn to the fact that ad is - so multi-racial, so inter-racial, so multi-religion, so singaporean...

paying respects to dad

went to pay respects to my dad today with bee bee. terribly hot and lots of people (despite it being a weekday).

glimpse of future

today (sunday) alone, i saw a glimpse of the future.

• was at the bedok simpang market. waiting for bee bee outside one of the pet shops. the pet shop closed. out came the owners (presumably). and one of them stared at me. obviously gay. the other guy that came out looked old, white haired and very uncle-ish. his partner i believed. he was carrying a dog. quietly, they both walked out towards the mainroad. tired. soulless.

• at the same spot after the pet shop closed. saw a familiar face. someone who used to cruise at east coast. he looked old and wrinkled now. yet he was wearing the new urban male singlet. he met 2 other guys. similarly, they looked familiar. they chatted. and they splitted up moments later. he walked on. alone. hand carrying some food. lunch perhaps.

• at geylang eating dinner with bee bee. lor 29 coffee shop, prawn mee. there was a rojak stall. owner was an uncle. 50-ish looking. plump, wearing a three-rifle brand-looking polo tee (in short - the ah-chek polo) and a bermuda-pants. all looked normal enough until one scrutinize the details. under the tee-shirt, uncle wears a singlet. under the singlet one can see the outlines of straps. and when one speaks to him, one realized that `uncle' was actually auntie.

three different incidents, but one common theme. what i saw were the aged, tired and saggy bodies of gays and lesbians who used to look beautiful and glamorous, bodies that used to look toned and well-chiselled. facts of life. the only thing that is sure in life, aging and death.

:-|

ps: i reflected and i wondered if some of the reason why we ended up like that could be the total lack of societal support structures and acceptance in general.

geylang foreign talents

went to geylang today to buy joss papers. and after that stopped by for dinner at the famous lor 29 hokkien prawn mee stall with bee bee. we noticed that sitted with the many uncles around us were thickly made-up sweet-looking little things (well, i did not use the word young for most are not that young... a few looked easily 40plus!). and all of them are from mainland china (confirmed from their chinese-accented words).

after dinner, we drove through the infamous areas and were amazed by what we saw. one thing for sure - the crowd was still as rowdy, if not, rowdier. but surprised us was the fact that most of the men that comprised the crowd were south asians and mainland chinese. looking at their shabby clothes, i could only conclude that these were foreign workers (labourers and construction workers i guess). and walking alongside these foreign workers were - mainland chinese `chickens'...

sighs... talking about foreign talent...

and it's kinda ironic... coming to singapore to earn money by sleeping with your fellow-countrymen.

ps: the china chinese `chickens' have a really lousy sense of fashion. then again, it is perhaps the in-thing in the countries of their potential clients.

dying happily

heard this in channelnewsasia earlier and i thought it was very meaningful:

"the best gift the dying can give to the living, the caregivers, is to die happily..."

or something along that line. and the person who said this also shared: "when she (his wife) died, we felt sad, but we did not grief. for we knew she had a good and meaningful life. and we all had given her all our love and she to us..."

so much truth in it.

:-)

无心伤害

if i were to re-compile my "coming out" album, this song would also be included... this is another one song that has similar effects on me as valen hsu's "如果雲知道" ru guo yun zhi dao.

...

无心伤害
歌手：杜德伟

真心无奈多心都为了爱
我坐在这傻傻的发呆
我仍依赖你纯纯的爱
我心还在爱你的人还在
苦苦等想哭哭不出来
无心伤害你应该明白
爱太多空隙受伤容易
互信互爱才是唯一
对你的付出都放在心里
我始终这样珍惜我怎么会忘记

feel so sorry, baby i'm so sorry
i never meant, i never meant to hurt you
无心伤害你应该明白
feel so lonely, baby i'm so lonely
do you know, i need you to come back
are you alright, i miss you tonight (请快点回来)

真心仍在与你永不分开
这一生只愿和你相爱
与你同在只为你等待
爱是纯真爱是无恨
不在乎怎么会痛苦万分
我真的太笨不懂心疼
baby please come back oh y

if the clouds know

drove home from town earlier. parked my car. about to get out. and this song played - "如果雲知道" ru guo yun zhi dao by valen hsu (許茹芸). i froze.

this was one of the few songs that i had memorized in my very old self-recorded cassette back in sep 1996. i had listened to the cassette until it failed me and had thrown it away years ago. and here it was, the song again. as it played on, i was again 30. just coming out. for that moment, i felt chong sitting beside me. i was wearing my specially bought bright orange tight tee shirt and my loose jeans again. i was wearing the gap grass fragrance that chong gave me after his canada trip late 1996. i could almost touch, smell, see, hear, experience chong all over again.

this song had come to represent my first crush, my coming out process, my first rejection, all rolled into one. i had lost sense of what's real and what's unreal. all the time spent driving alone along the highway; or parked at hdb car parks; or walking aimlessly at east coast; or sitting at the westin hotel lounge all curled up and crying my heart out. shamelessly. everything came crashing back. those were the difficult period. involuntarily, the tears in my eyes swelled again. for that moment, how i wished chong was there, hugging me tightly.

all too soon, the song ended... and i realized how stupid i must have looked. still sitting in my car. in my condo car park. eyes all wet.

such memories.

if only the cloud knows.

joss papers

i'll be heading to pay respects to my dad with bee bee tomorrow. had just bought the joss papers, the paper clothes, daily utensils... everything. kinda weird but i must admit that doing such things (although i do not quite believe in them) can be rather therapeutic...

清明节

these two weeks, we observe 清明节 (qīng míng jié) or tomb-sweeping day. considering it is a major chinese festival, i thought it would be a good gesture to observe this day by paying respects to my dad together with my mum and brother. and so when i asked my mum last week, she said that my brother will be doing it this coming sunday (5 apr). i told her i will join in and to keep me posted about the details. when i called my mum and asked for details yesterday, my mum told me my brother had gone ahead and did the prayers friday.

frankly, i was not surprise. perhaps a little disappointed, and perhaps a hint of gladness (cos i need not see him). then again, it doesn't matter... sighs.

how to say no

of late, i am getting more and more irritated with someone whom i felt has taken advantage of me. and the problem is, i don't know how to say no. despite hinting so many times to him about him getting on with the project himself, he has time and again, come back to me.

sighs! at first, when he asked me to help him for one part of his project, i agreed. and then he came back again for the next part, and the next part, and the next part. and it came to a point where i felt i am almost doing the project for him. feeling frustrated, i had time and again hinted that he should try to do it himself. but he just refused to get the hint.

sighs. and i get the feeling that he needs me to endorse every step he takes, give comments about his report. imagine, he even sms me and ask me if he can do this or do that, write this or write that etc etc etc. and despite me telling him that the person he should seek comment from is his supervisor and not me, he still incessantly get back to me. what i really think now is that he simply lacks the confidence to do the project in the first place.

i should perhaps be a bastard and not have agreed to help him in the first place.

sighs sighs sighs.

!

pilates bodyworks

collin's pilates studio opened today. sent congratulatory flowers to him this afternoon and visited the studio for the opening this evening. it was rather awkward for me i must admit. didn't know anyone there and after congratulating him and wishing him well, i made my move.

i always have this sense of attachment to special people who had crossed my life's path before. collin is one of such person. and as i left the place, i couldn't help but reflect about our past - how i got to know collin, how we have kept in contact - on and off - over the last 12 years, the difficulties he went through, and so on. and it struck me how far he had come, how matured he had become. i supposed time and tide mould a person like no other things could.

i wish collin well. from the bottom of my heart.

pilates

went for a session of pilates last evening. personal attention from collin. the session was fixed following our chance meeting at the pool last week and where i had shared about my condition. and it certainly felt good to be able to catch up with him face to face. been a long while.

anyway, during the session, he helped me through several exercises that involved lots of stretching. it was interesting for i felt i had stretch many areas along my spine that i had never knew could be stretched. and although the 1-hour session was rather relaxing and straight-forward, the effect was rather good.

:-)

jai ho

bought the cd on saturday. and till now, the song is still ringing in my head...

bmi

the inaccurate weighing machine registered my weight as 5kg above what i usually get from my home scale. wtf! and just as i was about to lodge a protest, the height ruler registered my height as 5cm above my usual height. well, no complains...

i passed my bmi.

:-)

blah

why must my weekend end this way?

sun-lightning-rain

sunday.

the sun shined.
it scorched and burned the tender skin.

the lightnings flashed.
it scared the shit of out ppl walking in the open.

the sky poured.
it rained cats and dogs.

fort road.

:-|

picture from http://kim-thenextphase.blogspot.sg/2011/05/right-to-bare.html

earth hour?

it came. it went. too commercialised. the candles and all. think the event might have ended up with even more co2 being released in the atmosphere. well... the following are some things that can be done and that would be more effective than switching off of an hour of lights:

public roads

• for new public roads, space out the street lights more
• for existing major roads, switch off alternate street lights
• for existing old ulu roads (eg lim chu kang), use reflectors.
• for shopping belts eg orchard road, bugis junction, co-ordinate with the shopping centers. think they are bright enough, no further street lights needed
  

public housing areas

• switch off half the hdb corridor lights
• use energy saving bulbs for all public areas such as playground, void decks, etc
  

public buildings

• legislate all public buildings to switch off their facade lights after midnight
• do the same for all major hotels and buildings, and of cos, the singapore flyer

... think there are many more things that can be done... anyway, for me, i did not observe earth hour. for me, energy conservation is a habit, a way of life. not something that can be achieved in just one hour.

then again, considering i am probably one of the few out of the 4-plus million people in this little red dot, i guessed the awareness it raised was a good thing.

emg's & nerve conduction tests

went for my emg and nerve conduction test on friday. the conduction test was kinda interesting. a lot of twitching of my hands due to the electric current being made to pass through my nerves. a little painful but otherwise, manageable. the really painful one was the emg. it involved poking needles into my muscles to check the impulses sent by my nerves. and it was so bloody painful. in all, the doctor pierced me 4 times - my thumb area, my elbow, my arm, my neck.

the whole procedure took about 45min. and by the time it was over, i had broken into cold sweat. but well, the good thing was that the doctor told me my nerves seemed pretty ok and that the numbness i felt in my little finger was probably due to my sleeping posture. and for now, it doesn't seemed like it was due to the cervical spondylosis. and that means, no need for op.

then again, i will have to go back to the specialist to confirm this findings.

:-)

life

what is your purpose in life?

funny name

yesterday, bee bee and i went shopping at suntec. i went to the washroom and there was this sign that tells users who the cleaner was. and when i looked at the name, i knew straight away the person was from mainland china. it was spelt in hanyu pinyin, and i could pronounce it just the way it was meant to be in mandarin...

a while later, i thought about it again and when i tried to imagine how a caucasian would read it and i laughed...

the name was "wang dan dan"

:-)

fatty bom bom

just today alone, chanced upon two persons and both had the same first reaction! they both looked at me, (momentary dead silence), eyes wide open, (momentary dead silence), mouth in an "o" shape, (momentary dead silence), and then exclaimed how fat i have become...

(ok, ok, i have dramatised it a bit... but you get the idea!)

wtf! arghhhhh! think i need to think of ways to cut down again!

:-(

my son!

just came back from dinner with bee bee and while walking towards the lift, i met one of my very friendly upstair auntie-neighbour and her husband. she was walking with a limp. and naturally i asked if she had injured herself. some loose talk followed... and we went into the lift. she, her husband, bee bee and i. for a while, it was quiet. and then out of no where, she exclaimed: "wah... your son so big huh?"

@@$&^%#$@%knnbccb!^$&%(*^knnbpcb!$&*(*%&^@#! this is the second time in my 4 years with bee bee that people thought he was my son! the first time was at the bank... sighs! i was caught totally off guard. i replied... er... no la, he is not my son. but my niece is about this big. she's in the uni... sensing her blunder, she muttered a soft oops!

it was just so nice that the lift reached my floor at that time. we hurriedly ran out! bloody hell! and bee bee is still laughing now!!!

:-|

for dan

raffles hotel, friday evening
birthday dinner, buffet
sumptuous spread, wonderful food
10 guys, 1 lady
all beautiful people.

the food nourished us
the conversation flowed

of relationships
of men, of women
of tops, of bottoms
the girl, the boy
of life experiences.

different perspectives, different experiences
but one conversation

"it's not about top or bottom"
"it's not just about sex"
"it's not about how old the other party is"
"it's about communications"
"it's about adapting and accommodating"
"it's about connection"

i presented myself in the lines i spoke
i saw myself in the lines that was shared

very common lines, very cliched lines
yet, i saw knowing nods
i sensed silent agreements
i saw the little glitters in everyone's eyes
those who spoke, spoke. those who were silent, we heard them too.

we indulged in each other's company
and the lines between strangers blurred

and all too soon, we were reminded again
that it was a special occasion, for our special friend
birthday cake, birthday song
perfume, aftershave, beautiful bowls, wonder woman!
happy birthday dan!

niece

my niece moved in 3 days ago. will be staying with me for a month. until her exams are over. she studies through the nite. and whenever she moves in and out of the room, i will wake up... deja vu. so similar to the times when my parents were with me...

4 months plus more...

did a quick calculation and realised that i have about 4 months plus before leaving my organisation... on the bright side, freedom. not that i will start to start to indulge myself in all sorts of wild orgies, etc. rather, it's the whole idea that i will not feel as tho my every moves are being monitored (altho i am quite certain they do it sometimes). so for now, i am like a bird in an imaginary cage. on the negative side, financial burdens to worry... but i am certain that i want to leave. rather be a poor but free bird than one that is constantly under mental stress.

looking forward to it, yet not looking forward to it...

:-|

ps: from facebook countdown, it's 130days to go...

lexulous

have recently been playing lots of lexulous with damien in facebook. it's a revised version of scrabulous. after playing so many games, i can only conclude that while luck has a small part to play, to win the game, strategy is of utmost importance.

here's some thoughts. (1) control the game. it is not necessary to lead decisively all the times, at times let your opponent lead. but when you do so, make sure he is only marginally ahead, (2) plan ahead. always have alternate solutions one to two steps ahead. at times you may even need to count the number of tiles left and assess what your opponents' tiles are, (3) shape the game to your advantage. always play in such a way that you deny him the double/ triple word scores. go for the double/ triple word scores yourself and if you can, shape it such that your opponent place his tiles for you to leverage it to your advantage. to get the double/ triple word scores, you might have to bait him by giving the double/ triple letter scores, (4) keep your opponent motivated. at times, even when you have the chance to widen the gap, refrain. keep the tension. let him think he is catching up. too big a gap demotivates your opponent, (5) when you kill, do it decisively. otherwise, make sure your opponent has an outlet. always place enough tiles to let your opponent play the next step, never corner him. if you want to corner him, do it to kill.

and reflecting on this, many of the strategies are also applicable in one's daily life. yes? no?

:-)

ps: everything said above do not apply if the sole motivation of playing is "just to have fun"... and i have a friend who enters a game simply to do that... and usually, after a few steps, he will stop playing!

nuah day...

i am on off today and tomorrow. and today was a nuah (idle) day... well, at least for the first two hour of the day. decided to hit the gym for a half-hour run before bringing mum out for lunch and a walk-about at ikea. and it was a meaningful day too.

to walk around ikea would perhaps be quite routine to many of us. but for mum, getting out of the house itself would be a chore. she had to put in lots of effort just to get out of the house. i have asked her whether she felt bored staying home daily, waiting for the nite, sleeping, waking up,... and the cycle repeats itself; and she replied that she had been so used to it that it didn't feel boring already. hmmm, from my perspective, this in itself was quite sad... but i guessed between pain and this, boredom is the better choice... so i decided to drag her out of the house today. and i thought it was all worth it. it broke her daily routine of staying at home.

i was glad i brought her out. it was a simple trip. 3hrs long. and although she complained of the pain and the effort needed, i could see she enjoyed it.

:-)

good weekend

it was a good and well spend weekend with bee bee and friends.

bathed sapphie. watched a play on sat night by senior citizen at the necessary stage at the marine parade community club. and i must say that the performers really put up a very very good performance. enjoyed it lots. met up with schneider and lay pheng for dinner and drinks. and ended the day with prayers at the loyang tua pek gong. and today, i visited my mum. short visit. but we had a very good chat. had the opportunity to talk to her about things in general, about her health, about my health, about end of life. managed to talked about it with her. and she said she was not afraid of death. it's good to be able to engage her in such seemingly taboo topic. want to make her comfortable to talk about it. also, visited asian civilisation museum and caught the kangxi exhibits with bee, lay pheng and her 2 sons. very beautifully displayed. grand. deserving of someone who, till today, was the longest reigning emperor of china. and shopping plus dinner at leisure drome park felt so different and family-like with 2 kids running around!

ah... what more can i ask?!

:-)

another eyeless one...

it's so disturbing!

this evening, i discovered that one more of my goldfish had his (or perhaps her) eye gorged out! it's the second one within a fortnight!

and i am very sure which one did it!

arghhh!

to answer or not?

recently, i noted there were quite a few postings in the internet about why the saf regular doctor killed himself. and posted in many of these forums were an email that was allegedly written by the doctor before he killed himself. in the letter, he described how he regretted signing on and how he had gone awol to escape his unhappiness at work... and so on. and today, i received a similar mail from a doctor friend of mine. the mail also had an attachment showing this doctor's farewell letter. i must say that the content of this letter is not the same as that i saw in the forum. perhaps 80% identical.

whatever the case, i do note that there was a seemingly large outcry by lots of forum readers about how the government should investigate and how saf should answer for the death of the doctor and so on...

it was interesting. i don't want to pass any judgment, but i do think that killing oneself becos of unhappiness in a job is not a very wise thing to do. and since he had signed the contract, it was perhaps not a very appropriate thing to blame the saf (or for that matter, any organisation) for his unhappiness. he should not have gone awol. he should not have killed himself. irresponsible. totally stupid. rash. then again, i supposed when one is in a stressed up state, suicide could possibly be one most logical answer. sighs... and i know... cos i had been thru that... it's sad.

and no, i do not think the saf or the government need to answer for it.

validation, smile

i received a mail from bs with a hyperlink to this little short film. he said it will make me smile. it did. and i do also want to add - it made me tear a little bit. in my reply to him, i mentioned something along the line that i do not think i have smiled from my heart for some time.

and this short film made me smile. from my heart.

thanks my friend.

:-)

tea with pauline

i had an interesting conversation with pauline this week. i had skipped my lunch to do an interview with one of my student. and decided to go to the canteen for a late lunch. and i asked pauline to join me... have known her since 1986 and have been keeping contact with her. and she now is my hr manager :-)

anyway, as i ate, we starting speaking about my job, my way ahead, my health etc... pauline has all these while been asking about what i intend to do after i leave my organisation in aug this year. and she suggested for me to consider getting my operations done (if indeed i need one) before i leave. but what caught be a little off was when she said: "do you know that you look very tired?" ... "and it's not the tired tired kinda of tired, rather, your eyes seemed so lifeless these days. so unlike you previously"... "perhaps you should start your facial programme again"...

hmmm, is that so? and why? perhaps the reasons are the same as that when i posted about my being in some sort of mid-life crisis recently?

i am still wondering...

:-|

happier estate

my changi green estate is getting happier. just today, one more gay couple moved in. so, that makes 3 of us. or at least those that i know - me (& bee), my immediate neighbours, and one more across the pool.

and how do i know? well, they are having a housewarming today and there are lots of male guests! some carrying flowers, some carrying bottles of wine, some carrying gifts... and all dressed to the nines!

:-)

nice! welcome!

patches

one of my earliest favourite song. from 1968. heard it went i was a small boy and have loved it since... listening to it again really brought back all my childhood memories...

:-)

of dead squirrels...

last week, as i was driving out my office compound, i noted a small squirrel lying on the road. i avoided it and continued. my conscience however did not allow me to go further and a short distance later, i stopped my car, reversed and went back to the squirrel.

it looked very peaceful. all curled up, soft and very cuddly. very similar to those baby photos by anne geddes. only that this squirrel was dead. it was the second squirrel i had encountered in my office compound to have died on the road. the first time, the squirrel was ran over by a car and it's head half smashed. this time round, the squirrel looked perfectly fine except for a small drop of blood on it's mouth. it was after a rain and i suspected it might have fallen off the tree after missing its step. whatever the case, it was a sad sight. i picked it up, but was half worried that it might be still alive. its body was still soft, telling me that it had perhaps just died not too long ago. hurriedly, i placed it on the grass patch beside the road and i drove home.

i seemed to have the habit of bumping into dead animals...

ineffective splints

went for my rehab review today. had the splint remelted and remoulded to fit my arms again. accordingly, since my using the splint, my arms have weakened further. and today, when i try to push my little finger against one another, the left one collapse. the rehab specialist couldn't sensemake why this happened given that the splint was suppose to alleviate the nerves being pressed.

anyway, she remoulded the splint again, asked me to try it on for a few more nights. and she wrote a memo to the specialist. will be heading for my nerve conduction test next month and then to see the specialist after that...

...

conversations

had been exchanging smses with khoon seng earlier and will capture some of my thoughts here. our conversation went around many issues but there were a few that made me think a bit more. here's some...

• would you consider meeting up with your college friends whom you have lost contact more than 20 yrs ago? for me, a definite no. personally, i am not one to socialize. not very good at it and not one to enjoy such gatherings. and certainly, i do not want to end up joining a group of click who have their own depth of interactions. i may at best be treated with high levels of courtesy and pleasantries and at worst be seen to be an intruder. i've had my fair share of negative experience in this area. and whichever way, given my tendency towards intraversion, i am sure i will end up sitting at one corner trying to fit in. very uncomfortable. very unnatural feeling.
  

• he related how his neighbour had recently died and left behind 2 kids. he asked if i would consider adoption? my reply - gays are lesser human beings in singapore. even if want to, i can't. and i do really love kids! not in singapore. and if i may add on - in the eyes of the gahman here, being gay, i am not able to provide a `typical' family nucleus unit defined by a `father and a mother'. and if i may add, being gay, i am pre-judged to be immoral and that i am unable to therefore provide for a value-based growing environment of any child given my sexuality.

• he shared with me his thoughts about the kids and how death is a sad thing to happen. i agreed but frankly, i told him i am rather numbed about death already. yes, facing death is a very humbling experience. the first time might be rather upsetting and unsettling. but having personally stared at death pointblank a couple of times in recent years and seeing my dad, aunts, cousins, relatives, and a few of my friends, all one-by-one leaving me recently, i have been somewhat numbed by it. then again, i have come to deeply appreciate the transient nature of life. am not afraid of death. without death, life has no meaning. i have come to accept it.

it's interesting how my conversations with khoon seng always stretches on and on. it seemed like a very natural thing to do and at times, i suspect we both either do not know how to end or do not want to be the initiator to terminate the conversation if given a choice. whatever the case, it is good to be able to engage in a conversation with him, albeit via smses...

useless reflections

woke up at 6.15am, brought the dog to pee/ shit 6.20am, changed up 6.30am, leave house 6.35am... routine enough. in the lift, met one of my neighbours who lived upstairs. he was a stout fellow. he was wearing his swimming shorts. topless. towel draped over his shoulder. obviously heading to the condo pool for a swim. had never spoke w him. at most, nodded my head once or twice in the 11 years i lived here. and out of no where he ask: "how come you are going to work now? aren't u too early?" "you guys start work at 8 right?" and he gave me an inquisitive look (not much different from how sapphie would tilt her head when i talk to her and/ or when she is curious)...

i gave him a smile and answered: "well, i think i am a little late. but, well, i usually start work at 7.30am..." my reply made him a little more curious. but that was all the conversation we had. just enough to last the 15-over seconds of time for the lift to reach ground floor. we bade each other farewell and went our separate ways...

well, reflecting, his questions took me aback for that split second. and i guessed my unexpected reply gave him a little something to think about too... perhaps it's cos we have never spoken. perhaps it's our difference in mental models. going to work early? or was it just routine? should i have just smiled? or should i just tell him, "ya, i am early"... it got me thinking. people see me/ us (civil servants) when i/ we return early sometimes. but people don't see me/ us when i/ we go to work early all the time. could this perhaps shape how some people see us sometimes? could this have contributed to some peoples' negative perception of us? or how some people has the perception that civil servants are always very free?... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... then again, i am not here to convince him of anything. it's just one of the meeting by chance thingee... heh heh...

well... one of my non-stop useless reflections on a monday morning while sitting in the audit and listening to a lecture going on and on and on about politics, social, economic dimensions of inter-state relations... zzzzzzz...

:-)

departures

just watched the show "departures" with bee earlier. we were both so moved by so many scenes. in this one show, the director managed to layer it with so many different aspects of the japanese society and show us the different ways a person can die; what it means to die in a most dignified manner; the emotions that different family would exhibit when someone close dies; and the deceased range from lonely old woman dead for two weeks, small boy, old man, transvestite, old lady, father, grandfather, mothers, daughter/son, and so on; and at the same time, the life story of the male lead and how he eventually find closure in his one single most traumatic chapter of his life - losing his dad... it was amazing! at times, we didn't know whether to laugh or to cry and at times, we laugh and cry at the same time! and of cos, i enjoyed the little details such as how the japanese would stick two chopsticks vertically - very similar to the chinese taoist practises!

thoroughly enjoyed the show. excellent end to the week!

:-)

3 died

of the nine goldfishes, 3 finally died yesterday afternoon. and they were the largest of the 9. it was sad. it was not intentional. i poured in the potassium permanganate with the intent to cure the fishes of white spots... and ending up with 3 dead. the tank look a lot more spacious after removing the 3 dead fishes.

sighs...

potassium permanganate

omg! i think i might have poisoned my goldfishes when i added too much potassium permanganate into the water!

i decided to clean the fish tank and change the water earlier. and placed all my 9 gold fishes into a pail. and becos quite a few showed signs of white spots, i decided to drop some potassium permanganate solution into the pail as i prceeded to wash the tank... 10 minutes later, i noticed a few of the goldfishes floating upside down and swimming weakly... i quickly transferred them back to the tank... and it's been more than 2 hours, and they all still looked v sad and not as active. and the 3 larger ones are still upside down! and hmmm, nearly all of them have brownish lips... signs of oxidation caused by the potassium permanganate solution!

arghhhh!!!

mid-life crisis?

of late, i've been feeling rather off... at times, very aimless. at times, very depressed.

it seemed like life has no meaning. everything seemed so very bland. am not sure what is/ are the reasons behind this feeling, but i think it might possibly be a combination of everything that have happened in my life over the past year and those things that will be happening to me in the immediate future... my dad's passing away, my mum's moving out of the place, new challenges in the new academic year, impending career change, deteriorating health issues, new routines for bee bee and i, new taskings at work, gloomy global outlook, bombings and killings every where, people commiting suicides, murders... it all seemed to pile up one after another.

so can i say what i am experiencing is mid life crisis? or is this simple a case of recession depression syndrome?

haiz...

she's the man!!!

my usual mental model was that dads are stricter with their sons while mummies tend to be stricter with their daughters. until this afternoon.

was doing my laundry this afternoon when i heard a woman shouting... i looked down and there across my unit was this lady and her son in the bedroom. her son was sitting quietly by the window while the lady was pointing and waving furiously as she shouted. she was lecturing her son. and she was so fierce! from her words, i concluded that her son had threw tantrums at her and she had to make sure she put him in his proper place before he climbed over her...

and some of the words and phrases she used were really horrible. she went something like "who are you to throw tantrums at me? you are bloody nothing in this house!", "your daddy and i worked so hard to let you study and here you are, throwing tantrums at me!", "how much do you bring home? nothing! you are nothing! and you dare to throw tantrums at me!", la la la... it went on and on and on non-stop for at least 10 minutes. and all these while, her son sat quietly by the window.

hmmm, i am a strong advocate of disciplining the child when he/ she errs. and i often felt dismayed when i see parents doting on their kids to the extend as to allow them to climb over their heads. you see it in shopping centers, you see it in the heartlands, you see it in the condo, you see it everywhere! so over the past months, whenever i witness the lady scold her son, i would think to myself that this lady ought to be congratulated for doing so, for i strongly believe that when you spare the rod, you spoil the kid. but i couldn't help but feel that this time round, the lady had perhaps gone a little off tangent. putting him down in such a manner can be very damaging to the child's dignity.

anyway, i walked out to the living room after that. moments later, i went back to the kitchen. i saw the son still seated by the window. and in the room, the daddy was mopping the floor quietly. heh heh... i laughed to myself. the sight broke my mental model. it was interesting. all these while, i thought the mummy had always been disciplining the child becos the daddy was not home. but what i saw today told me that well... in this family, perhaps it's the mummy who's wearing the pants!

you go girl!

:-)

eye socket...

i was clearing my house earlier today and decided to change half my fish tank of water. and when i took a closer look at my goldfishes, one of them had apparently lost an eye... what i saw was only an empty eye socket on one side. despite this, it was still swimming happily in the water. up and down up and down. hmmm... this particular one had a bloodshot eye all along. but never did i expect the eye to disappear! and looking at the very clean eye socket, it seemed like it's eye must have been pulled out or sucked out! i think it must have been attacked and the eye eaten by one of the other naughty bully... and i think i know who did it! haiz...

poor goldfish, now a one-eyed jack. swimming lopsidedly.

wonder if it felt the pain?

sad sight whatever the case...

:-(