this post is inspired by a friend of mine and i dedicate this post to this friend of mine. you know who you are :-)
do you agree with the following statement?
"in a relationship, it is the older person who tend to take on more heartaches... especially if the age gap is a huge one."
some reasons as to why this is so:
- the older person are usually more stable financially, so he would usually be in the forefront when it comes to paying for things.
- the older person tend to put himself in front of the younger one when it comes to protecting him, and in the long run, suffers the consequences.
- the older person would usually be the provider (father, mother, brother, sister and maid) for the younger person; who may, in turn, tend to focus more on his own life/ career, etc. not his fault, just the nature of life's development. that is to say, differences in life's stages forces one to be the provider and the other the receiver.
- there will be a certain degree of differences in the maturity of both persons. and i for now can understand that wisdom really comes with age.
- often, there would be a natural tendency for the older to feel threatened due to age differences, and it is not easy for the younger to necessary appreciate the feelings much less to be able to manage this insecurity.
- the older person will risk being accused of being condescending by the younger person. on the other hand, the older person will have a higher tendency to feel he is not being sufficiently understood by the younger person.
- there is a higher tendency for the younger person to assume the older person is more stable and be the provider and expect more from the older person in terms of emotional, financial needs and so on.
- there is a higher tendency for the younger to take the older person for granted.
- there is a gap insofar as the energy level of both are concerned and this will cause a strain in the ability to socialize, to party, to stay up late and so on. not the fault of anyone, just a natural outcome of biological changes to the body due to age differences.
a friend recently mentioned that a relationship involving an older and a younger person will not work simply becos of the differences in life's stages of both parties. a quick response would be that yes, it is quite true based on the many points written above. then again, what i have written above are of course, coming from the angle of the older person. i believe that the younger person would have his own set of tensions with the older person too - let me live my life, stop sounding condescending, etc. perhaps it is a matter of perspectives. we always see things from our own perspective. it is natural for one to see himself as a victim of circumstances.
but reflecting on, i think it is a matter of good communication (again, this is a challenge if you ask me, for example, the older person need to constantly be sensitive to the age gap - where is the line between sounding condescending vs giving advise?) and the willingness of both parties to give and take. however, if one does not want to give in and stick to his own point of view; and for that matter, becomes self-centered and takes the other person for granted, the relationship will never work. if that is the case, better get out of it quickly, don't hold on to it and hope that things will improve over time.
hope is never a solution.
and oh, once the relationship is called off, the younger will continue to grow into his prime while the old would have missed his prime altogether... and this, perhaps, will be the largest heartache the older person have to live with for the rest of his life. such is the nature of the gay world where beauty is one helluva huge thing. holding onto hope will invariably mean that older one will learn his lesson too late. but having said all these, i still think it can work becos i have friends (both straight and gays) whose age gaps with their partners/ spouses are at least 10 years difference and also of my own personal experiences in relationships.
do i sound contradicting?
