2006 so far... very Drama

Relationship

I have moved on (well, almost...). And I know that I will never be able to completely say I have move on in totality. He will always be very dear to me. Forever.

Since he moved out, he would occasionally bring the dog home to stay with him (for a couple of days). It's not unlike a divorced couple who brings the kid home for a visit every so often. Nonetheless, he remained cold to me. My smses to him continue to be responded with neutral replies at best. It's usually a `I have something on' kinda reply. Well, I reckoned he will have to stop being angry with me and move on too. I am sure he will understand why I did it in time to come. I still believe it is for the best despite the pains and the hurt that we'll have to go through during this period of recovery.

Since his moving out, I have often wondered about his health, about whether he takes care of himself, whether he has eaten well, etc. Guess this has become a habit cos during the past years when we were together, I'd busy myself by looking after him and his needs, make herbal soup, reminding him to sleep early, etc while he focused on his work.In deciding to end this unbalanced relationship, I have to accept that both of us would be hurt and to manage the emotions. I do admit I still worry and think of him a lot but I guess I cannot let sentimentality rule me. I have moved on as much as I possibly could in the last 4 months. Not easy. Not easy at all.

His things remained in my house and he continues to hold on to the house key, car park disks etc... and I have also consistently visited his home to pass his letters to him (by putting them in his shoe cabinet). And I'd also at times drive through the multi-storey car park to see his car. He has still not purchase the season parking, choosing to use overnight coupons. Somehow, I felt responsible for it. Then again, I cannot manage these things for him anymore.My worrying and thinking about him has been a source of tension between me and my current partner and I understand his frustrations at times. But over time, with much reassurance, he has accepted that this is something that I have to go through and we have both come to manage this together.

Work

Things have been well, perhaps being overworked a bit, but smooth. Came out to my boss and he has been very supportive. Thankful of that altho I cannot but feel a bit sceptical about it. About my security office, they have hands off me for a while other than a small and perhaps unwarranted email by a junior chap reminding me that I have to be professional about my conduct (warped isn't it? seemed to suggest that my professionalism is affected becos I am gay and that a junior person has the audacity (and authority?) to tell me off! Professionalism? Ironic right? Guess he needs to reflect on it himself!)... then again, not too bothered about it and just ignored his mail. Interestingly enough, my boss also thought I should just ignore him! :) Think my salary is more important to me than all the shit from the security office. I have given my boss the assurrance that I will not allow my sexuality get into the way of my work (not that it has over the last 20 years!) and I also want to prove to everyone in this homophobic organisation that GLBTs are as capable as any other straight persons.

Health

My ankle has healed 90% and hopefully I can resume my normal exercises by next month! Hurray! Have waited for this for the last 8-9 months!

Family

All has been well but last Tue, I came home from my shopping to find my mum fainted on the floor. You see, she has been suffering from a bout of diarrhea, followed by a few days of constipation. Brought her to the doctor and was prescribed with some laxative. In the evening, she started having diarrhea again and when things seemed a bit more stabilised, I went out to do some shopping.

When I returned, I found the corridor lights switched on and that her clothes and sarongs all strewned on the floor. For a while, I thought she had gone to clear her bowels and had not closed the door and waited in the living room. When there was no response after about 10 minutes, I went to the toilet but could not find her. What I saw made me panicked big time. Not only was her clothes and sarongs strewned all over the floor, but there was a trail of shit from her bed (which had also been badly stained) to the toilet and from the toilet to my room! And I saw her lying on my bedroom floor in a pool of liquid shit! She was really cold and her face and clothes were all wet from her perspiration! And to top things off, her eyes were wide opened! My calls were responded by weak `huhs'...

So many things need to be done all at the same time and for a while, I really gabra-ed. Flood of things ran through my head - my first reaction was to call her and to make her regain consciousness while I called for the ambulance. Made her sit up while I ran to get a change for her. When I returned to the room, I found her unconscious again on the floor! Then I called my boss telling him a need to apply for urgent leave. For the next 5 - 10 minutes (which seemed a lifetime), I was cleaning the shit, changing her sarong, opening all the windows and doors (GAWD!!! was it smelly!) and trying to keep myself composed while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I was really trembling by then.

At the hospital, she was found to be heavily deydrated and that her intestines has been bloated. Initial scan showed that her bloated intestines has choked up her whole system and that if not corrected, her life would be in danger if she starts to vomit out her faeces (eeks!). According to the doctor, she would probably need a surgery to remove her bad large intestines. Initial tests seemed to also suggest a certain degree of cancer... but thus far, these tests had been non-conclusive and the doctor had since kept her under observation and under strict liquid diet... she's now recuperating in the hospital while awaiting further tests to ascertain if she needs an operation.

Been a scare for everyone in the family. Guess we'll have to manage a step at a time for now.

[oooh, I forgot to mention this - the medic that evacuated her was also rather cute! :-)]

Gubra

Watched Gubra and what went through my head was just so much much more than what Yasmin had set out to do. As mentioned in her blog - "Gubra" is intended to examine one common phenomenon: The simple everyday fact that when we experience betrayal, it is more often than not committed unto us by people who love us; not people who hate us."

What I experienced was a barrage of mixed of emotions related to race, religion, cultural differences, and to a small extend, even sensed a political jab at the Malaysian politics as well as Singaporeans. Also, can't help but think about my childhood days and the kampong lifestyle that was so warm and that I can still remember till today. Let me explain...

For a start, when I walked into the cinema, I noticed that for once, I was surrounded by Malays - men in songkok, women in tudungs, and a few Chinese... no, no, not that I am racist, but rather, it was not often that one experience such a Malay-majority setting in Singapore other than at void deck weddings. And to me, this Malay-majority setting accentuated the feelings of race relations and cultural differences as the scenes unfolded. And this for me, was rather interesting cos all my life, while I have been aware of such race/ religion-divide and have been totally comfortable with my Malay Muslims community, I have never been put in such an artificial environment that would make me, admittedly, a little awkward; and that also evoked a little desire in me to want to show my Malay-side more.

You see, being of half-baba descent (my mum being a Peranakan), I had the advantage of watching and understanding the show without referring to the subtitles (that could not capture certain nuances or for that matter, able to translate everything correctly or quickly enough and that would result in some delayed laughters from the non-Malay audiences). And from this angle, I do consider myself more Malay than a `typical' Chinese Singaporean. Anyway... the feelings of race/ religion-divide soon disappeared as the show progressed.

During the show, I was also able to relate to the frustrations of mak-Jason - her disagreements with her china-pek husband. Cannot help but think of all the challenges my mum went through when she married my dad! I could still remember my mum relating all the problems, discrimination, arguments, etc to me some long time back. Also, mak-Jason's use of the baba-language was a really very nice change from all the all-too-perfect Malay, English, Chinese languages that is being promoted and drilled into us almost daily here :-)

And of cos, the whole setting - kampong, school, hospital etc, just simply reminds me so much of my childhood days in Paya Lebar and Marine Parade... Can't help but reminisce the good old days where visits and exchanges between neighbours of different races occur every other day! Those days do not exist in Singapore anymore.

What I also liked about the show was the fact the Yasmin (through the character Alan - oh, did I mentioned he was soooo cute! well, that is another story!) was able to highlight the frustrations of Malaysian Chinese about their pro-Malays political system and at the same time take a jab at (lack of a better word to use) Singaporeans for their attitude towards Malaysians (when Alan mentioned his ex-Singaporean wife said he [being a Malaysian] was not good enough for her). And all these was very objectively and nicely done, so so unlike Jack Neo's ultra pro-government and politically correct shows :-)

Yes, I felt the `betrayal' that Yasmin had set off to achieve and much more.

Thanks for the experience and congratulations for the beautiful work.

(see also review of the show)

sapphie

name: sapphie aka na na aka jen jen aka ah na dob: 03 Nov 2000 breed: mongrel favourite activity: chasing after tennis balls or anything that bounces favourite food: anything wet and meaty! favourite pastime: sitting at the balcony and watching the world passes by/ sleeping favourite sleeping position: with all four legs up and against the wall bad habits: chasing and eating houseflies most feared animal: cats most feared object: collapsible fence most feared person: veterinarian with needles (& at times, James)

This is my dog, my constant and closest companion at this point in my life since James and I separated. A 6 year-old female mongrel, a product of another male mongrel and a female border collie. Name's Sapphie. Got her some 6 years ago with James from Lester who's border collie was %(^*#$^ by a stray male mongrel over his terrace house gate :)... and gave birth to 8 puppies (of which 7 survived). She was dark brown as a puppy (closer to black) and had a white front right paw. I almost called her White Socks becos of that (and cuter too)! but James felt Sapphie was nicer and more appropriate.

Had a hard time with her when she was a puppy cos she'd chew eveything to bits including my doors, parapets, table legs, chairs, etc... once she even ventured into my room and dragged out all the rubbish in the waste basket. I was so furious I punished her (shan't write what I did lest I get dragged to court and charged for ill-treating my dog...) anyway, her first year was the most trying. Since then, she has learnt many things, been toilet trained and aware that she can go everywhere in the house except the bedrooms.

A very fast learner, she was quick to pick up many commands in her first 2 years. She is now able to understand up to about 20 commands including sit, come, go, heel, down, stay, fetch, drop, paw paw (shake hands), die (to lie on her back with 4 legs in the air), food (eat), water-water (drink), hurry-up! (shit/ pee), jump (over hula hoops), see life (front paw on the balcony to look over the balcony), etc etc etc... :)

Accept me

Was clearing some of my old stuff and came across this poster that I bought some 10 years back (just before I came out). I am still able to identify with the words as I did 10 years ago, although the context is slightly different... then, I was coming to terms with my own sexuality and the acceptance I felt I needed arose from the perception of rejection by everyone around me... this time round, it is more of my thoughts towards my organisation as well as my country. Having gone thru when I went thru last year, where I was outed by my security department and following that, put on all sorts of restrictions on my personal life, the words somehow resonate even more for me this time round. The poster reads:

Accept me

I am I
Do not change me
Condemn me
nor put me down
Accept me for what I am
No... you need not agreee with me
But accept me
for I am total in being
I have faults
I have my guilts
But that is who I am
Perfect I will never be
Allow me to be uninhibited
Do not pressure me into feeling
what I do not feel
Accept me when I am flying high
As I have accepted you when
you were flying high
Do not put me down... nor make
me feel unhappy about me
I am I
and I like being what I am

Me.

Larry S. Chenngges

Killing oneself

This happened in NIE last year and was copied from my Fridae diary.

Surreal. Was attending a class this morning when there was a commotion outside. A guy was seen sitting on the ledge and mumbling to himself. He stayed there for an hour and a half and then walked to the edge of the ledge, intending to jump. The hour and a half drama made the whole school came to a stand still. The police were there. The civil defence officers were there. In fact, it seemed that the whole world was there - lecturers, students, canteen operators, cleaners, security guards, everyone. Everyone was standing outside looking at him. Some were gasping. Guess everybody had wanted a piece of the drama. 

The whole episode also set me thinking - What were these people/ onlookers waiting for? For him to jump and see him smashed up and shiver till the last moment when every minute signs of life leaves his body? or what? What was on their mind? Was it "Please jump so that I can get a piece of the drama to tell my friends?" or "Please don't jump so that I won't be traumatised by the blood and gore if you were to be smashed up?" or what? Were they disappointed when he finally was pulled to safety by the CD officers who rappelled down from the roof? or, were they relieved? or both? cos while he was saved, they had, in the end, no gory/ sensationalized tale to tell? While I could sense some form of relieve when I see the onlookers clapping their hands, I could not help it but also sensed some form of disappointment (for the lack of high drama).

Then again - What on the mind of the guy who wanted to jump? or was he just an attention seeker? Was he really intend on killing himself? Why did he stay at the ledge for a good hour and a half if he had wanted to kill himself? Shouldn't he just jumped off and not waste everyone's effort to assemble the mats (oh my poor poor batch of PE students! I salute your efforts!), CD officers rappelling, counselling etc if he had really wanted to kill himself? What made him do it? What is the psyche of someone who wants to kill himself?

I do not know about him, but I certainly knew what went through my head as I myself was at the 'edge' several times not too long ago. I turned back in the end. My common sense prevailed. It would not be fair to get my parents and all my loved ones to mourn for me. Very selfish.

Reflections of my break-up

Feb 2006 - Moving on

Been more than 3 months since I suggested the break and frankly, I have not gotten over him. I still miss him terribly and glimpses of him in the house still flashed pass me whenever I see his things. I am constantly reminded of him, the smells in the house, his belongings that is still lying all over the house, his clothes, his bags, his books, and all his letters that are still coming in daily. Although I was the one who decided to move on, it seemed to me that I am the one who is still not able to get over him. Ironic. Many a times, I would recall my close friends reminding me that it is no use getting nostalgic and sentimental about things for I have decided to move on. Yet, on the other hand, whenever I see his things, recieve his letters, etc, I get reminded of him. Whatever the case, I have to manage myself. I have to be strong and move on.

Jan 2006 - Reflecting 2005
2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with him moving out of our house after living together for 7 years. Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected myself to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed. Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.

Dec 2005 - To those who've crossed my path
To all those who have made a positive impact in my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.To those whom I have hurt, I am sorry, I assure you, it was never intentional.To those whom I have loved, you are still in my heart, you will always be... Breaking up... is so hard to do... haiz...

Nov 2005 - Coming to terms
While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really. Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc. Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work. And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength. Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.

01 Nov 2005 - Managing Friends
1 Nov - Time to move on after 6 and a half years. Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by an outsider when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news. I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends. Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one. So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth. Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.

Someone help me!

A mail to my close friends exactly 2 months and 8 days after I broke off with James

Gene/ Kenneth,

I really do not know who else to turn to now. I am at
my wits end and need to offload my thoughts very very
badly. I am still finding so much problem trying to
live my life but still cannot help but think/worry abt
james and his well-being.

Today, I cried. Very badly. Frankly, while I really
want to move on. I admit am still not over James. This
week, Su How went for a holiday with his friends. I am
not too happy about it as I felt he is not spending
his money well and that this trip is totally uncalled
for. But that is another story. I do have some issues
with him over his insecurities and his unspoken and
long denied lust for attention by other gay men. I
don't blame him and I have always reminded myself that
I should try very hard not to impose my views on him
in anyway. Nonetheless, his insecurities sometimes can
be really a big problem to me. But that is another
story.

About James, he moved out on 31 Dec. I called him up
for a meal and to pass him some stuff over the last
weekend but he was not free due to his work (as
usual). So he agreed to meet up today for lunch. I
arrived at the location a li'l late but he was not
there yet and I gave him a call. Did not expect, but
recieved a rude shock when he shouted at me that he
was on his way when I asked him nicely if he had
arrived. I guess he realized his curt reply when he
repeated his answer in a more toned down manner.

I felt horrible. Naturally, when he arrived, I felt no
need to stay long with him and wanted to leave once I
finished my lunch. I felt unwelcome. He asked me to
stay to read my book while he worked and told me he
couldn't talk with me as he was busy. It was a silent
afternoon and while I occasionally spoke with him, his
answer was again, monotoned and dead. But often, I
would see him sniggle and smile and I soon realised
that despite his busy-ness and that fact that I was
with him, he had been on the chatline with his
friends. On top of that, he had been busy with smses
whole afternoon. I left after that.

Somehow, on my way home, I was so overcome with
loneliness and my missing James. Reflecting, I kept
reminding myself why I had left him, all the usual
about lack of attention, overly committed to the point
of obsession with his work, etc and often I would be
glad that I had left him. Then again, I still cannot
get over him for I still really love him and would
many a times chose to want to overlook all these
msigivings. I know it is a passing phase, but for now,
it is really killing me.

Since he left, my insomnia ahs gotten worst. I had not
dare to sleep without having my room lights on. It is
often too unbearable to have the feeling of having the
whole room to myself and yet all his stuff still in
the room.

I do not know how to manage myself and had cried much
of late. Still had not got over the fact that he left
the house without a single goodbye and just packed his
necesary clothing and left. Till now, his things are
still all over and found myself to even have to pack
his things for him in this break-up. And I had no
choice for if not, my mum will not have a place to
sleep properly. (My mum has been giving me lots of
problems lately such as wanting to sleep with me,
etc... well, another story....)

Abt James and his reactions, I felt very hurt. While I
understand his pain and feeling, I think he should
move on and not give me all these. IApart from his
usual very self-centric manner of seeing and managing
things, i do think he feels good knowing that he is
killing me with all these non-responses. it's been
more than 2months and I now really think he is doing
it out of revenge.

Since school term started, I had been worried sick
about his health, his obsession with his work, his
schedules, he late nights/ early mornings, his working
to death approach (to which over the last many years,
I have to wake up to make ginseng for him, etc,
etc)... cannot help it.

While I had been angry with him over the last 2 months
occasionally when he lived with me such as when he
forgot to buy bread for my mum despite having reminded
him and ending up with my mum having to eat left over
rice, and that he did not even bother to apologize to
my mum. His messing of things up and often, taking
things for granted, etc... but I have overlooked all
these and chosen to still continue to pamper him and
to try to talk to him. Somehow, I still feel I owe him
lots. My smses to him had been met with non-response
sometimes and many times monosyllabic answers. I am at
my wits end and I am feeling really very hurt by all
these.

I guess I am just not good at managing my own
break-up. I am suffering altho I was the one who
initiated the break-up. I kept telling myself I have
to move on. But ended up getting in loops of
depressions/ near depression.

Sorry if I had sounded totally out for now. But I need
to offload. Please ignore this mail if i sounded
crazy.

Hugs.

New Year, New Beginnings

2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with James moving out of our house after living together for 7 years.

Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected mysdelf to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed.

Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.

Breaking up...

is so hard to do... haiz...

Fractured Ankle

Was referred to the Sports Medicine Clinic in CGH and was told that I have suffered a fracture in one of the small (but no less important) bone in my ankle as well as tearing one of the key ligament there too; and unless managed properly, I might not be able to run again. Finally understood why my ankle has not stop hurting since I sprained it in May.

Coming to terms

While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really.

Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc.Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work.

And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength.

Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.

Managing Friends

Time to move on after 6 and a half years.

Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.

Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by Dominic, an outsider to this relationship, when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news.

I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends.

Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one.

So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth.

Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.

Time's Not Up

False alarm... found out that the nerves of my dad's hands have been pressed by his ligaments and as a result, he has lost his sense of touch on both hands. Will need to undergo a minor op in the next week or so to correct it.

This episode had been quite a scare for all in the family too nonetheless. But it did give us a good reminder of the impermanence of life and that we should try to be prepared for things if and when it happens.

Superficiality

Some thoughts while updating my profile in Fridae:

- Is role that impt for gaymen? Why must it be a criterion for knowing another person or for that matter, to describe oneself? I am gay cos I choose to align my emotional attachment and sexual preference to another male and this has got nothing to do with me being top or bottom or flexi or whatever. This question irks me and reminded me of my interview by my security office sometime back when I was asked outright

- Are you top or bottom? I was totally irritated.

- Also, are physical attributes really so critical that it has to be placed right on top? Does this not further reiterated the superficiality of our community? How many of us GLBTs actually put up our real attributes?

For me, I do, but seriously, I know there are many who don't and many more who choose to send hearts/ etc based on physical attributes - superficial ya? Recalled doing an experiment myself and changing my attributes to someone who is of the RSAF type (no, not the uniform fetish ones but rather the Round Short And Fat type (as in really really fat, not rotund not stout) and guess what - my hearts received dropped to near zero... less those who send heart blindly. Sad right? Well, I guess this is the reality in life after all. And if superficial attributes are not included, there'll probably be no members subscribing to Fridae. Just one of sad those facts of life...

Is it time?

Recieved an sms from my sis yesterday telling me that my dad is in ICU and in critical condition. Miscomm. Turned out that he was referred to A&E and put on critical care unit pending further tests as he felt giddy and his hands and legs were numb.

Anyway, he'll be going thru a battery of tests later today. He was down with liver cirrhosis some 4 yrs back and had a very close brush with death. His recovery was some sort of a miracle as doctors were not optimistic about him pulling through then. With his recovery, the doctors were also not too optimistic and had told us that he will have at most 2 yrs more. It's been 4 yrs since and he has survived with that condition.

This morning, understand from my brother that some preliminary findings suggest that there might be a need to operate on his hand in order to let him feel again. Not too sure of details at this point in time. Will need to wait for the final test results. When I visited him, I took the opportunity to casually speak of death and managing his demise when it happens. A very light-hearted conversation in the presence of my sis and mum. But it certainly allowed him to reiterate some wishes (such as cremation, scattering of his ashes, etc).

Thought this is important so that there would be no squabbles amongst my siblings about managing things when he passes on. Anyway, things do not seem so bad when I saw him earlier. But this little scare did make me question if his time is finally up. I don't know, but if it is, I hope it will be a short one. Don't want him to suffer. Given his age, have been psycho-ing myself that the time will come.

But I guess when it happens, it will still be so hard to release the emotional strings.

Of Anniversaries and Epilepsy

6 months. 6 eventful months.

More than ever, I ask for blessings of strength and courage.

During my last check-up, my neuro consultant told me that the brain scan tests have been non-conclusive but seemed to look good. 2 more months of observations and if all goes well without any relapse, I'll be given a clean bill of health. For now, must still be careful and not subject myself to undue stress or I risk a relapse. To my friends - especially PEACE, thank you for sharing with me the fears and experiences, and to lawrence, monster, present, vk, pony, poohbear, ngog etc - thank you for being there. Your support have been most assuring.

And Ah Bee, Thank You.

Of Hearts, Kisses and Spanks in Fridae

Many of us who frequently log in to Fridae, sgboy etc have the habit of sending hearts, kisses and spanks... but I do seriously wonder how many of us actually think of why we are doing it.

The following are some reasons I can gather from my friends and I think it is rather interesting:

- So as to accumulate hearts/ kisses and spanks. Ultimately, the aim is to get as many hearts/ kisses and spanks as possible

- it's an ego thingy.

- To sincerely tell people they... (well - eg are cute, worth being a friend, has a nice character, has a nice profile and what have yous).

- To tell their friends in this oh-so-busy-world that "Hey, I am thinking of you!" (quick fix method without going through the challenge of thinking `alamak, what to say huh?' yet fulfilling the intention of telling they are being thought of! how convenient!)

- To signal to people that "HALO! I am watching/ monitoring your profile! Beware!" (again for whatever reasons, nice ones or otherwise - I am checking on your friend list, your diary entries, trying to understand your character, etc... or simply - I am watching you!)

- No reasons, just an instinct/ addiction or simply - too free, bored.- Or just simply self-gratification such as in the case of spanks - I don't like you! So I am spanking you! (which, if you ask me, is really v v sad!)

How about you?

Think about it...

:)

Of Immorality and Homophobes

Am at home surfing the net - oh, this is Friday evening... so, I'm home... naturally..

Anyway, was reading this little sentence from one of the forums and would just like to capture it here to share:"It's always socially more acceptable for a straight couple to do an immoral deed, then for a gay couple to find love."

How true... how true... Then again, I do question what the writer meant by `immoral' cos the word in itself is subjective and depends on the values each society believes in - and this, in itself is not constant. Thinking deeper, I guess it really boils down to just homophobia.On the other hand, I also think that we gay men (or for that matter GLBTs) tend to want to model and measure our way of managing relationship with that of the straight men's model - eg why put so much importance on this thing called `marriage', especially in the legal sense - isn't it just a piece of paper? Or for that matter, why is monogamy so valued? Is not not just a human concept/ construct? Are we, really, victims of our own creations? That perhaps, we, in the very first place, should not have tried to model ourselves and how we conduct relationships by using the straight mens' models.

I sometimes also ponder on the causes of a shift in social attitudes from that of acceptance to a high level of rejection towards homosocial behaviour from the times of ancient Greece till current. I am sure there are some sociologists/ anthropologists who might have some answers to it.

For me, well, I continue to ponder.

Of Hurricanes and Tornados

When I read about Katrina and Rita, I thought of my moments in Florida last year.

I was the fourth Singaporean to be stationed there. The period when my predecessors were there were pretty smooth and uneventful other than the usual reporting of business progress and negotiation details. However, during my stay, I had to content with a series of hurricanes (4 major ones I think) and even tornados.

I remembered Hurricanes Charlie, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne most of all. Life for me during that period was seriously tough and I missed home a lot a lot. While it was kinda exciting and full of anticipation for me in the beginning, I began to feel a sense of desperation and lost when the hurricane approached my house. We (my fellow comrades living in Hillsborough and its neighbouring counties) had to be evacuated in the end (mandatory evacuation for Charlie and voluntary evacuation for Jeanne) due to the strong possibility of a storm surge (which, if happened, would have drowned all of the town I stayed in). Orlando and Lakeland district had it bad as they experienced 3 out of the 4 major hurricanes that visited Florida state last year. Disneyland, for that matter, was closed for the first time in its history due to the hurricanes.

During the first hurricane, I, together with my friend's most loveable dog and a Thai officer, had to take refuge with the Thai officer's relatives in Hollywood, Miami in the hills. It was really scary cos we initially wanted to drive away from the storm but all roads and highways out of Florida were totally jammed as every father mother son daughter and what have you were trying to escape the impending storm. All major shopping centers, supermarkets and petrol kiosks (gas stations) were closed as all groceries were totally wiped off the shelves and petrol (gas) got sold out due to people stocking up their house as they go into hiding. As for us who were running away, we quickly got jammed on the highway and so we decided we would drive into the storm instead of driving away from it. We estimated that we would have enough time and that we would be able to reach Hollywood before the storm make landfall. We had to make our way fast cos the predicted path of the hurricane showed a direct hit at my estate and my office in the base. Even the whole base packed up and evacuated inland. It was a surreal drive as we made our way to Hollywood, Miami. The sky was pitch dark, electric wires started snapping, and for a certain 1-2hr stretch, I was driving in pitch dark at the Everglades. There was nothing in front of me except my high beam that shine into nothing and occasional streaks of lightning that covered the sky like spider web and the thought that we were on a tar road flanked by swamps in the middle of a huge gator swamp country was most unsettling. I swear to myself I would never want to experience this again as I drove into the darkness. That was my first experience with a hurricane - Hurricane Charley.

I experienced 3 more hurricanes subsequently and for 2 of them, I decided to take the emergency commercial flight out of Florida. I managed to book a seat in the last flight before the airport close. It was a flight to New York and I stayed there for 3 days before the airport opens again. For the only one that I did not run away (Hurricane Jeanne), I had electric wires snapping in front of me, people looting the shops and gas stations near my apartment, and all sorts of unsettling events happening around me. Admittedly, I crouched at the corner of my room praying very very hard that my apartment would not collapse onto me or get blown away when the storm was at its peak. I didn't like this experience, especially when I was alone in Florida at that time (my only friends and family to me at that time had gone for holiday in Washington to escape the storm).

Those experiences however made me realised how PGO our people in Singapore were. For example, when I updated home office about the possibility of evacuations, I was asked about the cost involved, whether I could cut cost by staying with other Singaporeans, why I had to fly out of Florida and not drive out, why I chose a hotel and not a motel, why I chose this domestic airline and not that etc... My gawd! I was thinking - Here I was, panicking like shi&^&#$%$% wondering how I could stay alive and how I could savage my property and all my barang barang so as to minimise damage/ lost and here we have our Singapore office asking me a thousand why's about why I did this and not that so that I could reduce cost!I had to convince myself really hard and look on the positive side that perhaps these people have not experienced a hurricane and therefore did not know how bad the situation and how panicky a person could possibly get. And in the process, I had to also be really patient and explain/ educate my dear Singapore office of the predicament I was in and patiently explained things to them; and without sounding like I was an opportunist trying to get a free holiday using company funds.

Some of the things that I had convinced myself that they did not know, despite all the reportings and updates in the media, were:

- That the size of a Hurricane can be as large as the whole of Peninsular Malaysia (such as Hurricane Jeanne). And that no matter how far I drive, I will end up still somewhere in the hurricane.

- That each hurricane has its own individual characteristics (size, speed of wind, speed of movement of its eye, etc) and that each one can create its own degree of mass destruction.

- That it is impossible to predict the exact path of a Hurricane. Much less to decide where to run to!

- That a Cat 4 Hurricane (such as Charley that swept through Punta Gorda) could have brought along a 20 ft (6.5 m) of waves and floods and this is enough to drown the whole Tampa peninsular (roughly a little smaller than the size of Singapore and just as flat, if not flatter) that I stayed in.

- That, airports, seaports and all major transport hubs would be close when a Hurricane approaches and we have to book our ticket out of the city soonest possible without getting stranded.

- That land evacuation via car would be very difficult cos it would mean driving my car along a congested highway for hundreds of kilometers and that gas (petrol) would be difficult during that time as everyone would have drained all gas stations (petrol kiosks) of gas in anticipation of electric power failure?

- That people would wipe out supermarkets of groceries and water and canned food etc in anticipation of such facilities collapsing when and if the devastation is horrific.

- That most, if not all, accomodation and hotels along the evacuation routes would be fully booked by evacuees?

Anyway, when I returned to office after surviving the hurricane/s, I had to write a standing instruction for my office back home to endorse so that my replacements in future would not face the same red tapes as me... so, look on the bright side - at least I got something productive out of the whole hurricane season.

:-)

Feeling Threatened

I spent a good half a year in Florida, Tampa in the latter part of 2004.

When I was there, I realised that I have a tendency to want to show my Chineseness even more than when I was in Singapore. Apart from cooking Asian/ Chinese Peranakan dishes (see below for a list of what i cooked), I also find myself hanging around with international colleagues from Asia quite naturally. And invariably, we would use a hotch-potch of Asian languages to converse in addition to English. It was interesting to note that the Americans seemed oblivious of our nationalities, and chosing to refer to us (regardless of whether we are Korean, Japanese, Chinese Singaporean, Mongolians, Thai, etc) as Asians (unless of course they visit our offices where all of us flew our respective country's flags). My theory for this was that as the minority, we tend to flock together as a natural survival instinct.

Was it a case of feeling threatened because we are a minority? or was it simply because we share almost simlar values? or a combination of both?Whatever the case, I was sure that I, being a part of a minority race while there, personally felt left out and to a certain extend threatened by the ang mos as it was an ang-mo majority environment.

I realised that when in Singapore, being of the majority race, I tend to overlook the feelings of my fellow-non-Chinese countryman. I would converse in Chinese and dialects at times with my peers without thinking twice of my non-Chinese friends' presence. I finally query myself - have I, on the many occasions back home, inadvertently made my non-Chinese friends felt left out? With this experience, I do now apologise unreservedly if I had made them felt so.Reflecting, I learnt from my stay in Florida was that I should be more sensitive to my non-Chinese friends. Racial harmony is perhaps something that we in Singapore have taken for granted.

(Hmmm, what did I cook while I was in Florida... Let's see - they include bak kut teh, pork ribs kiam chye, bak chang, nonya kueh salat, yong chow fried rice, nonya chap chye, koh-leh chye png, orh png, chut-bee png, oyster sauce broccoli, mee siam, tau you bak, etc etc, etc.)

Death, the Fragility of Life

Decided to move some of my favourite and reflective postings in Fridae here. Here's one about life...

Location - Tampa Florida, my office's car park
Date - Sep 04

I was on my way to lunch with some of my international colleagues (2 from Tonga and 1 from Thailand) and saw 2 very beautiful pink crested pigeon (doves) chasing each other playfully in flight. It was such a beautiful sight. So loving. So touching.The one in front (presumably female) did a playful dive towards a bright red car before she did a steep turn and spearheaded towards the sky. The one behind (presumably the male) followed suit. But alas, the male could not turn steeply enough and crashed onto the roof of the red car.

Next thing I knew, he dropped onto the ground. I ran to him and picked him up. He did not resist. He was motionless. He looked shocked, his eyelids still moving. I turned him over and realised that the impact of the hit had forced his guts out through his rear and there was a pool of blood on the floor (for a small pigeon, that was a helluva lot of blood!).

I knew there was no hope for him. I knew at that moment that even if I were to rush him to the vet hospital he would be a goner. I was helpless. I could only placed him upright by the foot of a bush and hope his end would be fast. I proceeded to lunch. I ate with a heavy heart thinking of what had happened.

When I returned, he had died. The body had stiffened. His eyes were closed and his legs had straightened. His rigid body lied on its side. I felt sad. I dug a hole by the foot of the tree, said a simple prayer (Buddhist, but that is immaterial to the dove I guess) and gave him a proper burial. That was the most basic thing I could do for my fellow living being.

My Tongan friends laughed at me and said that it was only a bird and that I should not give any hue to it and let nature take it's course (ants, flies, etc). My Thai friend, being a Buddhist too, understood where I was coming from. To me, it may be only a bird, but the life that was lost was no different from any other life I know and I respect it. I felt sad. I could not save him. I know his time was up. The least I could do was to give him a proper burial. Death comes when ones' time is up. It is not up to us to decide when it should come. Life is fragile and unpredictable. We have to be aware what we do while we are alive, do good, do not hurt people, live it productively. So that when we are taken away from this world, we will leave it without worries.

Live each day as if it is the last.

Frustrations and Reflections about Fridae

Some reasons why many of us are freaking frustrated with Fridae... stopping our Perks and giving up on Fridae eventually.

- The seemingly perpectual upgrading of server that ended up with many of us being unable to log in.

- There was a time when Fridae members suddenly have a common age - 34 years old (altho this worked well with some people above 34 who could blame their cyber-youthfulness on Fridae).

- The latest phenomenon is that many of us seemed to measure only 0cm tall. Is it a just simple case of technical glitch? or are there larger issues such as competence (or rather, incompetence) of system administrators? performance failure of system administrators? server performance? or simply corporate non-chalance?

- Once every so often, our pictures get removed and we get reminders from Fridae webmasters that we should only put photos of ourselves (and must have our face too!). Then again, we consistently observe that many other people do not do so, choosing to insert photos of faceless half/fully naked bodies, caricatures, dogs, cats, what have yous; and we do not see their photos being removed. A case of 2 legs good 4 legs better? What make Fridae so sure that the faces published are those of the persons posting it? In insisting that we publish a face, is Fridae assuming that the face/s published would be that of the person itself? From my experience, I am very sure this is not always the case. Is publishing a face all that important in the first place? If I may, I would say that a person's choice of pictures reflects many tacit details of that person that a face cannot simply capture and in itself, a direct reflection of the publisher's character. And therefore, we should not stop him/ her from doing so.

Does this example of insisting a face is published reflect the superficiality of Fridae administrators? At a higher plane, does this inconsistent attempts at censorship reflects an insufficient/ total absence of in-depth rationalisation of the purpose of the web-features (such as photos) within the overall intention of the portal by the administrators? or was it just a simple case of inconsistency in web-policy enforcement?

Shouldn't Fridae, who prides itself as the `Largest Gay and Lesbian Network in Asia', play a more constructive role of administrators and/ or facilitators to promote interactions amongst us? I believe that if Fridae is really sincere about promoting interactions amongst us, it should stop imposing such archaic rules on us.

Instead, it should create an environment where Asian Gays and Lesbians can interact freely. Rules, should be based on certain enlightened premise and not simply some superficial assumptions - eg to show a face would mean a person is sincere about making friends. Added to this, rules, if defined, should be properly thought through and enforced universally. Why censor some and not all? Doesn't the fact that so many people are not following the guidelines and this perhaps reflects a broader deeper societal issue for eg stigma? still in the closet - ie privacy-issues? fear of basklash at the personal-level? if Fridae understands this, why then, insist on a photo?

I would also go on suggest that there is an unstated implied role for Fridae to educate the broader society out there that we are certainly not a bunch of sleazy people who are sexual deviants or a community that `chose' to adopt an `unnatural lifestyle/ practice'. And in this light, perhaps Fridae should consider focusing more on censoring exlicit sexual pics being published up-front instead. Members should be restricted to sharing their sexually explicit pics via the vault only.

Anyway, for now, I do not know if what I have reflected would matter or make a difference. And I don't care either.

I am gay and proud of it and I will continue to do what I think is right and suits me - as long as I am happy.

Our Song - I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But Darling most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But Darling most of all
I love how you love me.

I love the way your touch is always heavenly
but Darling most of all
I love how you love me

I love how you hug me
I love how you squeeze me tease me
please me love
How you love me

I love how you love me...

New Balance

End of the week coming.

Tomorrow night, it's time to switch of my phone again. Nonetheless, it's been a week of defining new approaches, new communications style, new patterns. It's a process of searching for a new equilibrium and the unlearning, relearning and rewriting of many basic issues/ dynamics.

It's a stressful but an enlightening process no doubt. With one hand representing the body, the other the life, the clasping of the hands represents the indivisible nature of life and the body. I am one hand, he is the other.

We now walk the path together. Hands holding even tighter.

Understanding/ lack of understanding of third language? Perhaps I should capture my reflections in Bahasa Melayu.

Hmmmm.... Boleh? saya pun tidak tahu.

Terima kasih Sayang.

Fifth Month

Thank you once again. 27th of the month. My fifth month today. Things looking good.

First time in my Life

- I got into such a situation. Very warped. But I guess this is something where one will need to go through to understand.

- I have stretched my limit to the utmost to love someone. Never ever believe it could happen or that it could be done by any human. Have given up everything including my health, my finances, my support, my love, everything. It is really voluntary. Something done out of pure love.

- I fully understand the notion about loving and hating someone at the same time.

- I have time and again chose to believe things that are sometimes so warped and so unbelieveable. Just because I love him.

Nonetheless, for all the pains I get, I also get all the love, attention, care and concern in return.

Guess this is life.

Conflicts and Dilemmas

Things seemed to be back to normal for him and `him'. At least that's the feeling I got. And I am back to the switch-off-my-phone patterns on weekends.

I also noted that he had put in lots of efforts following what happened last week and I am really appreciative of that. At the same time, I was also aware that he has been secretly finding opportunities to contact 'him'. I noticed for a fact that there have been less smses from `him' when we were together. But, at the same time, I had also noticed that he would say he wanted to go home first to bath, to change, to give things to his family member etc before we go out late. I supposed this was also to find opportunities to use his house phone to call 'him' so as to give 'him' the assurance that he was home after work and not seeing anyone, much less going out with me.

Anyway, lots of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Why did I feel apologetic as well as sorry for 'him', worried over his emotional well-being, yet at the same time, felt angry and jealous? While he had repeatedly reassured me of his love for me (and I really really feel he does), I just cannot help but wonder if he has been doing the same to me sometimes (eg using his meetings after work hours as excuses to meet 'him' for dinners)? For that matter, has he actually been taking us both for rides so far? Or was it that he has just been simply trying very very hard (but certainly with limited success) at managing relationships? I have thus far given him the benefit of doubt.

And I continue to do so.

I sometime really wished I could find the opportunity to talk and communicate with 'him'. And I really hope this can be done without 'him' telling him.

Impromptu writings

Medical - Went for my medical review today. Results from previous tests have not been conclusive. But evidences suggest very strongly that it could be epilepsy. Was asked whether I had recently been overly stressed up as a sudden spike in stress level could have caused me to go into fits/ blanking off. My first thoughts were my outing as well as of him. Anyway... Well, will need to redo the brainwave scan to ascertain my condition. This time, need to do it with sleep deprivation. Been told to stay awake whole of tomorrow night and to do the test on Fri morning.

Him - Things seemed pretty ok these 2 weeks. A bit too ok for that matter. But over the last two days, it was kinda tense due to quarrels and arguments. But I guess it was cos we were both overly concerned about each other's problems. This was made worst by the fact that he was heavily stressed out by his own problems at home.

Me - Feeling kinda weird and mixed of late cos while I was worried for Tony (Eyu Chong), I was also not too comfortable about him whenever it comes into the picture. Yet, I apologise. Magnaminous? Stupid? Conflicting thoughts yet again.

His Mum - Bought ear rings for his mum. She loves it. Glad to know from him that she no longer suspect if there might be anything `unnatural' between us. She just assumes that I am a very good friend and that I feel very comfortable with her. And she likes me very much too. Very happy about it. :)

My Mum - He would come over whenever it is convenient and I am sure our mannerism (him holding my hands so naturally, us feeding each other, etc) was an immediate give away, but my mum seemed so nonchalant about it. She can even chat with him as though it is the most natural thing to do!!!

My Dog - My dog has taken a very strong liking for Su How and plays with him whenever he comes over. She even took to his family like fish to water cos she seemed so at home with his family when I first brought her over to his house! Very surprising. Pleasantly.

Killing oneself

Surreal. Was attending a class this morning when there was a commotion outside. A guy was seen sitting on the ledge and mumbling to himself. He stayed there for an hour and a half and then walked to the edge of the ledge, intending to jump.

The hour and a half drama made the whole school came to a stand still. The police were there. The civil defence officers were there. In fact, it seemed that the whole world was there - lecturers, students, canteen operators, cleaners, security guards, everyone. Everyone was standing outside looking at him. Some were gasping. Guess everybody had wanted a piece of the drama.

The whole episode also set me thinking - What were these people/ onlookers waiting for? For him to jump and see him smashed up and shiver till the last moment when every minute signs of life leaves his body? or what? What was on their mind? Was it "Please jump so that I can get a piece of the drama to tell my friends?" or "Please don't jump so that I won't be traumatised by the blood and gore if you were to be smashed up?" or what? Were they disappointed when he finally was pulled to safety by the CD officers who rapelled down from the roof? or, were they relieved? or both? cos while he was saved, they had, in the end, no gory/ sensationalized tale to tell?

While I could sense some form of relieve when I see the onlookers clapping their hands, I could not help it but also sensed some form of disappointment (for the lack of high drama).

Then again - What on the mind of the guy who wanted to jump? or was he just an attention seeker? Was he really intend on killing himself? Why did he stay at the ledge for a good hour and a half if he had wanted to kill himself? Shouldn't he just jumped off and not waste everyone's effort to assemble the mats (oh my poor poor batch of PE students! I salute your efforts!), CD officers rapelling, counselling etc if he had really wanted to kill himself? What made him do it? What is the psyche of someone who wants to kill himself?I do not know about him, but I certainly knew what went through my head was I was at the 'edge' several times not too long ago. I turned back in the end. My common sense prevailed.

It would not be fair to get my parents, my him and all my loved ones to mourn for me.

Very selfish.

Apologies

Guess I have been too much. Maybe I shouldn't have done what I did.

Moment of folly.

Moment of impulse.

I apologise.

From the bottom of my heart.

Feelings

Sickness.

Love.
Hate.
Care.
Concern.
Worry.
Non-chalance.
Jealous.
Upset.
Frustration.
Love.
Love.
Love.

Impulsive.
Found.
Silence.
Stupidity.
Reprimand.
Question.
Yes?
No?

On?
Off?
Grumpy.
Sulk.
Conflicts?

Cold sweat.
Hot Tears.
Shivers.
Emotions.

Anger.
Anger.
Anger.

Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

Compose.
Clarify.
Forgive.

Know?
Don't know?
Care?
Don't care?
Ask?
Don't ask?

Love.
Love.
Love.

Worries.
Uncertainties.

Sickness.
Sickness.

Last Week - A Poem

assignments
homework
lessons
lectures
discussions
group work
individual work

swimming
chalet
shopping
dinners
can food

dog
god-daughter
god-daughter
in-laws
relationships

Four and a half crazy months!

It's been four and a half crazy months. Perhaps the craziest months of my life. Even more drama and stressful than my coming out process when I was 30!

To recap, the following were some of the things that happened, well, not in chronological order:-

Was summoned by my security office and questioned about my sexuality. Basically outed by them and asked to tell all about my life as a gay man, about my history, about my sexual experiences, about my love life, about everything, basically was stripped clean of everything about myself and my sexuality.

Was even asked if my sexuality has affected my professional conduct at work. This was perhaps the single key event that affected every single thing for me and caused me to have black outs, slipping in and out of depression, stress-related health problems as well as my losing of more than 10% of my body weight.

The outing shook me totally considering I had devoted my whole life to the job and now I am being put through a whole lot of shit just because I am gay. Sighs. Made to promise I would behave responsibly, ie not to fraternalise at workplace, etc. While I see no issue in doing what had been asked of, I felt it had infringed into my personal space. And I am pretty uncomfortable with that.

- Was removed from my Masters programme following my being outed at work by my security office. Associated with this, prospects, deployability, etc everything have been affected and I guess I am as good as a walking zombie at work now. I really do not know what drives me now.- A period of uncertainties over how I would be managed at work. Effectively replaced and now with no clear job scope. Looks like it'll be this way at least till early Nov. Well, at least things look like it is a bit more stabilized now.

- With such developments at work, I am really looking at a major career switch when my bond ends or worst still, if I am asked to leave. Have therefore started to review my financial commitments, changed my car, looking at the possibility of selling my apartment and getting a HBD, reviewing my routines, etc. Rather stressful I must say.

- Parents moved out of Marine Parade; a place where I and all my siblings grew up. Suddenly felt I had lost my roots. This is another major stress factor cos I had lived and visited that place since my family moved in when I was in Pri 2 in Jun 1974.- Sister had a cyst found at her pancreas, suspected cancerous. Went for major op to remove it. Luckily she survived. Nonetheless, the experience took its toll and had a major impact on her family and had also affected all of us.

- Another sister went into depression and had to be put on medication. Everything in her family went upside down. Guess it was in part due to major changes in our lives.

- Family conflicts, quarrels amongst siblings, between siblings and parents, etc haiz. Guess all this was also partly cos everyone was trying to come to terms with the new house, adjusting to the new reality that our parents' home where we all grew up was no longer in Marine Parade; but now in CCK.

- Mum moved into my house after some internal conflicts with my brother (I stay with my partner!) Need major readjustment in our furnitures, food arrangements, etc, basically need to adjust our routines in view of new member in household. New member, new responsbilities. No, of course, not complaining. Just have to accept it. My responsibility.

- Mum went for a routine heart check and found that she might be suffering from a heart blood vessel blockage. Had to be hospitalised and eventually went through a heart angioplasty procedure. Thank goodness found to be ok.

- Both mum and dad took turns to fall sick. Has become an almost every other day affair. Couple with their routine medical check-ups, it's really very tiring to have to juggle my time around these responsbilities, work and personal life.

- Got to know him, process of going thru the emotional roller coaster rides. Very difficult. Another source of stress. Enough said.

- Healthwise, suffered black outs. Referred to neurologists, fearing and trying to accept the worst yet hoping for the best. Also, been diagnosed to have mild asthma and exceedingly high cholesterol levels. Put on permanent medication. Lost more than 7kg as a result of all the stress I supposed. Yet, despite all these health problems, I am not able to share it with my family for fear of adding on to their already very stressed-up situation. Must stay strong but find it very difficult given all the work and personal issues. Sometimes, really feel like ending everything once and for all. But cannot do so at least for the sake of my parents. Not fair to make them mourn for me.

- Also, my molar broke and had to have it removed surgically. Painful. Very painful process. Had a very bad fall 2 months plus back in my attempts at running. Wanted to run to release stress but ended up with a super duper sprain. Had been nursing the sprained ankle since.Well, look on the bright side, I SURVIVED and I have, as a result of the 4.5 months experience, understand and see who my real friends are. I have also become wiser in many things. I have realised that organisation loyalty, putting in all the extra sweat, blood and toil for your office etc mean nothing to the office and your years of contribution is really useless once you are faulted or deemed to be a threat to the office just because you are gay. And don't get me wrong, I am not anti-office now. I am still professional about my conduct and my responsibilties at work. And I do accept the facts of things and the rationale of why I was made to put through all these shit, but I can't help but feel so discriminated.

Haiz...Let's just hope things have hit the rock bottom... am praying hard. Now awaiting medical report on my brain scans and hope it's A-ok...

So convoluted! So draining!

He has been juggling his time between me and 'him'... on weekdays he gives me full attention. On Fris and Sats, he stays with 'him' yet at the same time, messages me about how much he misses me and loves me.

Then again, he knows I would switch off my phone during these days. It makes me wonder whether he means what he smses, who is in his mind when they are in bed, what goes on in his mind when they are together, etc etc etc... also when we are together, I wonder what he tells 'him' for I know 'he' smses him during these times... Is he a compulsive liar?

I know for sure that he has been lying to 'him' in order to be with me, but is he doing to same to me? He has assured he is not... yet, I wonder...But there are many things I am sure he is not lying.

These are the things that touch the very base of his soul and being. These include his views and feelings about family, relatives, his late grandma, his most precious belongings, etc. I am touched by the way he totally opened them up to me, to the extent of introducing me to them, visiting them and spending time with them, even for very personal outings such as family dinners. For I am also aware that he has never done the same for 'him'.

He has time and again told me and assure me that he is working on leaving 'him' but has asked me to give him time. He is sure that he will get nowhere with 'him' and that he has still not totally come to accept the fact that 'he' will be getting married end of the year. He has also admitted that he is really useless and nothing and cannot stand up for himself when he is in front of 'him' for he just cannot bear to release someone that he has invested in so much emotionally.

We have spend so much time crying on weekdays cos he felt so trapped. He has also time and again blamed himself for being weak and useless and being the cause of all these pains...

Things are so convoluted... on my part, I feel so drained.

Me at this point in my life

Enough of these scared of whatever shit. No point. No use. Just very unproductive, very unnecessary.

Just wanna be myself.

Don't wanna be so conscious about how I should behave because I know I am being watched, someone is reading my diary entries, monitoring me, perhaps my every single move, every single thoughts, every single correspondence I transact with my friends, etc.

Hey, I am not doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything immoral (and for that matter, being gay is not immoral). And I am a responsible person.

If I do err, it's because and I am human. What is more important is that I err not by intention. And I do not apologise to any set-up for it. I owe myself to live my life as I desire and I deserve to live it to the best I can.

I am no different from any straight man.

27th Aug, my past week

One more week. One more entry :)

Work

- Work-wise, things have been going rather ok. No big upheavals. My HR chief called me up for an interview. He told me that he will not make any comments on my sexuality as well as the moral aspects of things. And as far as my deployment is concerned, they have decided to put me in a training-related post. He added that I should also give the commitment that I would conduct myself responsibly. While I thanked him for the opportunity, I found myself just too couldn't careless about debating on the `morality of it' as well as 'the need for me to be responsible'. To me, that he has asked me to be responsible simply meant that he has assumed that I have not been responsible and that in itself is not correct. As for the morality aspect, I have nothing more to say other than the fact that it is but another view of gay men from the perspective of a str8 man.

Medical

- Finally went for my EEG on Wed. While the test itself was relatively simple, the after-effects was terrible. Felt nauseus and had a splitting headache for a quite a while. The nurse that attended to me certainly did not give a very encouraging response when asked if my brainwave readings looked normal. She said - "erm, your reading hor, don worry lah, does not look too abnormal lor". Hmm, wonder what she meant. That it did not look too abnormal could also mean that it (still) bear certain semblance of abnormality, even if it is a wee bit right? Not very heartening at all. Not when you were the one who had undertaken the test. Anyway, shan't read too much into what she said. Will wait for the doctor's analysis this mid-Sep.

His Father

- Celebrated his father's birthday this week. It was a steamboat dinner and after that it was an adhoc family karaoke session. Very interesting. For the first time, I had an opportunity to attend a family karaoke where the whole family actually sang together! And I must say, the fact that it was together with his family made the whole occasion so much more special for me.Him - 27th Aug was supposed to be our 4th month celebrations. Well, things did not turn out as well and was pretty tensed cos he was afraid of being seen with me in public by him. Certainly did not make me feel good. Ended up a lot of tense and unhappy moments.

My Weight

- Took my weight yesterday. Great not much of a change. Seemed to have stabilized at abt 59.3kg. Had dropped a total of more than 7kg and was afraid it'll just drop further. Well, at least the drop has somewhat halted at this point :)

This Week's Snippets

My Dilemmas

- Since experiencing the blank-outs, I have been feeling out of sorts. Trying very hard to manage myself, the uncertainties as well as keeping things away from my parents and sisters. Do not think they will be able to take the news. Also given the many uncertainties, it will just freak them out and make them worry for no good reasons. Let's wait till things are clearer before telling them. As for my friends, I have opened up to my close friends and I am overwhelmed by their concerns and their support. I really thank them for it and for being there to support me during this period.

His Priorities (1)

- Last Sunday, I really felt like I was gonna die. Smsed him to tell him I would like to meet him and to tell him my desperations, my fear of death, etc. His first reaction was to turn me down citing that he had planned for a day's programme with him. This woke me up. Seriously. Nonetheless, we met up in the evening. He unwillingly had to terminate his dinner plans with him. Things were very tense then. Despite this, we spoke at length and decided to patch things up and work on our relationship in the end. But I was very much hardened by this whole experience. Whatever he does or whatever he says will no longer be taken seriously by me anymore. It seemed like his dinner plans with him is more important than my life. My Medical Appt - Finally went to the specialist who did a brain scan and a blood test. Had wanted to ask him to accompany me but he was not able to do so citing work commitments. Felt terribly worried, scared and nervous. Did not like the feeling of going through the battery of tests alone. Was told by the doctor that it is likely to be seizures but could not determine the cause of the seizures. Still subject to further test this coming week and to see the specialist again this mid-Sep.

Things to Avoid

- Given the possibilities of seizures happening again, I have been advised not to drive, operate any machines or to engage in any sports that involve machines or situations where I may endanger myself. These include cycling and swimming. Cannot afford to blank out during these occasions or I may risk getitng into a fatal situation. Will definitely need to do major adjustments to my lifestyle. Since injuring my leg, swimming is the only sports I do, I really do not know how I can survive not swimming. A friend advised me that one option is to find a swim buddy so that in the event of me blanking out while swimming, at least, someone can save me. Well, I will have to look into my options.

His Mum

- His mum was terribly worried about me and had been praying for me. She spoke to me at length and consoled me about my condition. As for him, he was very sweet about the whole thing and had been nice to me this week. But I am clear that what I want is someone who can give me unconditional love and care and not his mum's concern.

His Priorities (2)

- Today is Fri and as usual I will have to switch off my phone to manage myself from going berserk just thinking of him spending time and overnight with him. On the other hand, I have now been hardened and take everything he says with a lot (yes, a real lot) of concessions. I do treat it as passing remarks cos if I were to take it seriously, I will end up feeling terribly hurt. For example, despite him telling me time and again that he will `always' be with me especially now with my possible medical condition, I am dead sure he will not be able to be with me and to keep me company from Fri - Sun nite, cos he is dead determined to want to spend time with him. I have been proven rite today.

My Good Friend

- Vernon had been around all these while helping me manage my weekends and my emotional swings. He was also around to help me manage myself and to accompany me during all my spare time whenever he can so that I do not get overwhelmed by my missing him.

Thanks my friend.

Seeing Doctor

Some worst case scenarios possible based on what a doc friend of mine said - momentarily blanking out could be due to (1) epilepsy (2) symptoms of a major stroke coming (3) suppressing of my nerve when I turn my head thereby causing a momentary shutting of the nerves (4) brain tumor / clot (5) etc.

Whatever the case, it does not seem good.

Will be seeing a doctor tomorrow to get some referral to a neuro.

Snippets of my life over the past week

His Mum (1)

- Have always been able to talk and relate to his mum. On the other hand, he is also very conscious and careful about what she thinks of him meeting up with me so often. Interestingly, when he asked her to join us for supper couple of nights back, she said she did not want to be the lamp-post. Innocent comment perhaps but well, interesting.

His Mum (2)

- Yesterday, when he left his house to meet up with me, his mum asked him how come he meets up with me so often. Think she is beginning to miss having him spent time with her at home. On my part, I am also scared of her finding out the real goings between us, but he has time and again reassured me that she is perfectly fine with me and that she is comfortable with me.

My Mum (1)

- My mum has been living with me and my partner for the last 2 months. During this period, I am sure she had observed the goings in the house. I am also sure she is aware of the people in my life currently. Nonetheless, she had kept quiet about it. Guess it's a case of her seeing only what she wants to see. Whatever it is, I feel glad she is accepting things just fine.

My Mum (2)

- A quiet and reserved person, my mum would prefer to keep to herself and stay in the room when my friends visit. But when he came over to my place yesterday, she got up of bed (despite being sick and groggy) to say hello to him. She went on to cut dragonfruit for him and sat with him in the living room to chat with him. Very surprised. Guess she likes him too cos she has occasionally asked abt him and how he is. Am sure she is aware of our goings. Putting in Effort - Things has never been better between us. He has been putting in so much effort to spent time with me I am beginning to feel a bit bad. I appreciate his efforts and can really feel that he loves me.

Forced Savings

- Started a joint account with him to help him save for rainy days. Things have not been good for him over the last few months but he is trying very hard to settle his financial issues. At least with a joint account, he can deposit his money in it and I can hold the purse strings.

New Job

- This coming Monday, I've been asked to assist another department to clear some backlogged issues. I am not too particularly keen to do this as there are no clear terms of reference of what I am supposed to do.

Blank off

Over the last few months, I have experienced at least 4 - 5 occasions where I just blanked off. The type where you enter into a state of not knowing what is going around you and forgets everything for that split second.

First occurence

- 2 months back. In office, sms-ing him. We were in the middle of an sms-argument when the next thing I knew, I really could not recall what we had been arguing about and what happened that morning. My mind went into a state of temporary memory loss.

Second occurence

- A month plus back. Driving out of my basement car park, negotiating a turn. Next thing I knew, my partner screamed for me to stop. I had apparently been accelerating my car into the wall. And had my partner not stopped me in time, I would have driven into the wall without even realising it. Last I could recall was negotiating the turn and had thought I was already driving out of my car park.

Third occurence

- Yesterday, driving along ECP. About to exit at Simei. Next thing I knew, I almost drive up the road curb cos I had blanked off. Regain my senses in time to swerve back onto the road. Close shave.

Fourth occurence

- Today. At the car park. Reversing my car. He was beside me talking on the phone to someone and a friend was at the back seat. I clearly remembered trying to reverse my car into the lot. Next thing I knew, I had banged into the railing big time. I had apparently blanked out while reversing and my leg had accelerated the car in a reverse manner.

I am freaked out.

What's happening to me?!

Seemed to be getting a bit more often.

No National Day for me this year

National Day Parades and events have always been emotional for me.

This year, it will be no exception. But this year, I will not be celebrating it. I somehow do not have the want to want to do it. I reckon it will be too emotional for me after all those things that happened to me over the last few months. I am the type who would choke and tear (with pride and joy) when I hear the roaring of the airplanes over me when I jog along East Coast during the NDP, or when I sing the National Anthem, or when I recite the National Pledge.

Also, for the first time since we are encouraged to fly the national flag many years back, I have decided I will not do it, not on my car, not at home, not anywhere. I will not watch the NDP over the tv, I will not even switch on my radio. I will not participate in any ND events. I will not even attend my company's ND Observance Event. I do not want to end up tearing in front of all my colleagues.

I may be anti-system now, but I am doing this not because I am any less patriotic. Rather, I am doing this for self-preservation. I am doing this to keep myself from getting emotional. It will make me wallow again. It will make me depress again. I want to keep my sanity.I had wanted to leave country during this period. But circumstances forced my to stay. Probably, I'll occupy myself with housework, play with my dog. Spend some quiet time with my partner and my mum at home, have a quiet meal. Housework can be therapeutic. Just need to get into the mood. And once you get the hang of it, you'll keep going. And you'll get a good workout too.

Need a break. Need to keep my calm.

Dim Sum Dollies

I watched Dim Sum Dollies earlier and I was probably the only person in the theatre to cry.

I cried twice - once during the opening song where they sang about being happy, daring to be happy, living to the fullest and being blessed with rainbows. And then again during the closing number where they sang the National Anthem.

I couldn't help it.

During the opening number, I felt the frustrations of being bottled up and trying so very hard to want to break out and when I tried, I was strangled from all angles. And for the closing number, I felt the frustrations and contradictions between patriotism; wanting to be a part of this country I love so much and a system that is so unforgiving and discriminating to me because of my sexuality.

I was overwhelmed. My tears just fell. As I was driving home, I couldn't help once again but cried like a baby. While I have been telling myself I mustn't wallow, I find myself feeling miserable time and again.

I need to get myself composed and go on.

I owe it to myself to live my life as I want.