from frustrated to amused

well... i have written much about my new boss and the negative energies all we managers have about him. and interestingly, other department people are also starting to give us funny looks. not because they thought our behaviours are weird. but rather, they have either heard of or experienced his confrontational behaviour and i suspect, kinda wondered how we have been getting along with him. and we hear people asking us things like "oh, how is you new boss?", "you ok?". and during our less formal interactions with our peers from other departments, feedback can range from diplomatic, such as "he is different", and something less that positive (but factual), like "how can he even use terms like "stupid" on people!?", "why is he so confrontational?"

and seriously, for us reporting to him, we get at least one to two nasty emails from him daily up to the point that we now are rather desensitised to it. our behaviour now is like this - when we meet each other, we would give each other the kinda "you-know-right?" grin. but one trend i can clearly see that i think reflect the uneasiness about every single one of us with him given the way he confronted us whenever we make any decisions. and that is - all of us are beginning to direct issues to him for instructions, myself included, and refusing to make decisions.

heh... 

energy not right

increasingly, i am feeling this negative energy when working with my new boss. how he can criticise the system and policies and in doing so, make it sound so personal and targeted at us. it gets to me sometimes. even if he didn't mean it, the momentary negativity that came out of his responses to our inputs didn't go well with us. and worst still, at times, he can put us down and make us sound stupid when we try to share some background as to why things are the way they are today. and i can also sense this tensions amongst all my 3 other peers/ fellow managers in the department. 

interestingly, amongst the 4 of us, apart from the one that i had a tiff with last month, all the other 3 have been sms-ing/ calling/ sharing amongst ourselves to simply vent, or to just air our tensions during moments when we feel the need to release the negative energies that arise after interacting with him. and i can see all of us being professional enough to move on and get back and focus our energies back to our team after venting and airing our thoughts. but judging by the increased frequency of this sharing lately but i am seriously not sure how long some of us can last.

for me frankly, i am feeling the urge to up my tempo in my job search all over again. and for a quick moment today, i even thought about just throwing my letter even if i do not have a job. but objectively, i know i shouldn't do this. but well... that such a thought crossed my mind kinda reflect how much negativity there are in our dynamics.

neoplasm

bp: 117/79, spo2: 99%, ok, now relax and hold out your left hand. i'll be inserting a plug. won't be painful but you need to relax ya. all done. soon, another nurse came and asked a few more questions. you are allergic to fluvoxamine right? why did you take fluvoxamine? what's your reaction when you take fluvoxamine? when was your last meal? did you drink anything this morning? such were the preparations before i was wheeled into the endoscopy centre for my procedure yesterday.

i was not required to change into the hospital gown but i was shivering when i waited for my turn. the room temperature must have been set to 20 or lower. anyway, there i was, waiting for the doctor to do the scope for me. after about 15min, he walked in. repeated some of the question again and gave the nurses the signal to proceed with the final preparations. everything happened very quickly after that.

mr sim, please confirmed this is your signature. and this too. my consent to go through the procedure was flashed in front of me. i nodded my head. mr sim, please turn to your left. mr sim, please open your mouth. i'll be squeezing a numbing liquid in and i need you to swallow. squeeze squeeze (it tasted bitter). ok, mr sim, open your mouth again. a plastic apparatus was placed in my mouth to prevent me from closing my mouth. all done. the doctor came forward, ok mr sim, i'm gonna inject some medicine into you. i saw him injecting 2 syringes of medicine into the plug (on my left hand). once done, the lights in the room were switched off and a warm yellowish glow created by the bulbs of the machines lit the room and...

                                                                                                  

i woke up to some noise. i was back in the ward and in my drowsy state, the nurse came and asked if i wanted something to eat. yes, i said and i was quickly served with a cup of beverage and a simple butter sandwich.

ok, mr sim, let me run through with you the scope finding k? well, there was no major tumor found. but we have removed some tissue for biopsy. you can go back after you've recovered but we need you to come back in two weeks time for the results.

hmmm... no tumor but biopsy? i wondered but was too tired to ask. i looked at the discharge summary later and it read: benign neoplasm on oropharyngeal wall.

i supposed all's well.

exhausting training sessions

been almost two months since i conducted this particular training and i had to do two runs over the last two days!

and this time round it was without my time-tested seasoned staff. she had left me since last month and i now had a new staff who was still learning the ropes. and despite having done this training more than 25 times over the past year and a half, i still find it rather challenging as every session brings forth new challenges due to the different participant profile (but of cos, this makes every training session very mentally engaging and fun).

anyway, monday's training came and went and all was good. not too difficult given that the participants were all new to the company and young by age. but it was exhausting nonetheless to have to stand whole day. i was, however, a little more apprehensive and worried for tuesday's (yesterday) training. and this was becos it involved existing staff and i had, on numerous previous occasions, senior staff who made use of the training session to vent and to download their frustrations with their bosses/ the company. when this happens, the training environment could get very hostile and uneasy. and yesterday, i had a rather senior person attending. this person could be rather curt at times and i was worried he could negatively affect the training. but it turned out my worries were unfounded. he was rather nice and sporting, and participated in all the activities throughout the day.

the worry about having to manage difficult characters and the energies needed to manage and conduct the training took its toll on me nonetheless. i was totally exhausted by the end of tuesday. and of cos, i didn't have the energy to make dinner and instead took mum out for dinner. i felt so bloody happy and relieved to have survived these two days! 

:-)

hectic week ahead

i hope my flu will go away by tomorrow. gonna be a superbly hectic week ahead. here's the schedule.

• monday - conduct full day stand-up training for new staff
• tuesday - conduct full day stand-up training for existing staff, gonna be challenging as many are very senior (vocal and very cynical) staff
• wednesday - 3 medical appointments in the morning following by a long meeting after lunch with my new boss
• thursday - gastroscopy, full day down
• friday - full day at work

but on the bright side, busy schedule means the days would pass very fast. so, yeah. it's weekend soon! now, let's hope my throat manage to hold up by end-monday...

lol!

lingering flu

it has been a week since i felt unwell. and i still feel so. the throat and nasal cavity remain clogged. i visited the doctor again and was given a new set of medications. stronger and more potent, said the doctor. and... i slept early on friday night, and as though it was insufficient, i slept through the whole of saturday too. and i also surprised myself by sleeping through last night too!

lol!

i have a bad feeling...

i was in taipei when i got a text from one of my colleague, someone who seldom shares her feelings. in the message, she said "i have a bad feeling about our new boss...." and she related how she often felt caught between him and other heads of departments because of his confrontational approach to things.

and i can totally understand her. cos i felt the same.

insomnia

mum said she couldn't sleep the night before my return. and when i asked her why, she said, i was so happy that you are returning that i couldn't sleep. 

that's so sweet right?

turbulence

we were forewarned about turbulence during out journey to taipei but just before we landed, the plane dropped a couple of meters momentarily. almost everyone in the plane let off a little scream and then it was all silent. i could almost hear everyone's heartbeat pounding furiously during that split second. in my mind, scenes of air crashes appeared, quite a natural reaction given the recent spate of incidents involving airplanes.

we were all so relieved when the plane finally touched down.

whew!

taipei

i have not been to taipei for many years and my impressions of the place after all these while was - it has not changed much. then again, my purpose of heading to taipei was not because i wanted to see the changes. i simply wanted a break.

and for me, an important factor before i consider it a break was - a different environment, weather and culture-wise. taipei was a natural choice given the proximity and that it is one of the destinations my company flies to. i didn't consider bangkok as i am a little anti-bkk now. i didn't want to associate myself with it as it was the cause of so much pains over the past 2 years.

anyway, taipei had not changed much. it is still as lively, and as chaotic as i last remembered it to be. we didn't venture too far away from the hotel (which was located in ximending) and kept to the areas within the reach of the city metro. but it was a good few days of visiting and soaking in the atmosphere. the places we went to include ximending (of cos) (西门町), danshui (淡水), longsanshi (龙山寺), taipei 101, shilin night market (士林夜市), etc. these were all the places we visited the last time we visited taipei.

and we just ate and ate and ate... but of cos, i couldn't really taste what i ate because my throat and nasal cavity were totally clogged up. and through the 3 days, i had to down lots of pills in my attempts to manage my cold. thankfully, i managed to keep myself free from fever.

and all too soon, 3 days came and went. 

its back to work now.

mc but not out

i am on mc today. but i refused to be defeated by my flu.

i went back to clear some work, conducted half a day's lesson, and then i went to the pool for a tan. well, not really a tan. rather, i got myself comfortable on the sundeck chairs (under the shade of course) and i fell asleep. what better way to relax after taking my medications right? it was a good hour-plus nap. and then i got about buying sapphie's food, the maid's bread, etc. before heading home.

mum, in her usual haywire self, got suspicious when i arrived home early. my boss allowed all of us heading taiwan overseas to head home early to pack, i lied. she didn't question further although i knew she was not convinced, judging by her refusal to shower until after the taiwanese drama serial. managed to cheer her up a little when i brought her out for dinner. it was rather obvious she was anxious about my impending departure. and at bedtime, she wanted to sleep on the living room sofa, saying that she wants to be awake when i leave tomorrow. managed to get her to the bedroom only after i promised i will wake her up before i leave. 

am feeling a lot better compared to last night. then again, i hope it doesn't turn bad when i arrived at taiwan. fingers crossed.

:-)

confusion

here's an example of mum's confusion between reality and tv.

today is my maid's birthday and we had gotten a cake for her. it was to be cut after dinner but as my brother was working, we had to wait for his return before doing so. the waiting, however, did not go well with my niece and nephew as they kept pestering non-stop and i ended up playing games with them - the no-brainer kinda game where i carried the cake and they chased me around the house. as for mum, she simply sat on the sofa and watched the taiwanese serial. in the serial, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law were having a fight. it was a prolonged fight (like all taiwanese shows). it was then that my brother returned and we decided to take a pause from the tv serial to cut the cake.

we gathered around the dining table and sang the birthday song. and as we sang, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law in the tv serial continued their fights. and mum commented "the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are cutting cake as a way to smoothen their relationship". her remark out of no where took us by surprise. and it was clear to us all that she had gotten the tv serial and reality both mixed up.

lol...

:-)

paranoia

here's an example of mum's paranoia. and it happened out of no where.

we were watching tv this evening when the maid came out of the kitchen with a bowl of cut apples. she offered the apples to mum and i. mum refused whereas i took a piece. and as i took it, i commented that the apples were from my cousin, who visited us this morning. mum, out of no where and for no reasons, stared at me and commented in a quite hostile manner (in hokkien): "so what if it was from your cousin, i have never plotted to kill or harm anyone, so why should i be afraid (of eating the apples)".

funny right? really, the hostility was just that spontaneous. if i had not gotten used to her paranoia, i would have taken her remark quite badly. i simply ignored her. as i capture this incident here in english, i was reminded of the story of snow white and the seven dwarves and how snow white went into a deep sleep after taking a bite of the evil stepmother's poisoned apple. anyway, mum can never be snow white. she's too told and too fat to be one. 

lol!

phone calls from mum

i got myself another line couple of days back. this line would be used primarily for mum. i needed to avoid the possibility of making her upset after what happened this week. here's the story.

on wednesday, i headed out for lunch and as per normal, i called mum at 12.30pm. we spoke for a while before hanging up. it was a little more than half an hour later when i checked my phone and i saw 17 missed calls from mum. i got worried and immediately called back. mum said she didn't call and simply said i was "bluffing" her.  that afternoon, at about 5pm, i got 7 missed calls from her. once again, i called back but she denied calling me.

i went home, and she insisted i was pulling fast one and accusing her of calling me so many times. it didn't help when i showed her the call register in my phone. she simply denied ever calling me. and then as a clear sign of her paranoia, she said she knew who called me, and said she couldn't find her phone and that it must be someone trying to do things behind her back. as she said so, she looked at the maid.

i simply told her that if she had not called, then it could be a simple case of her sitting on her phone/ pressing the button by mistake and where the phone called the last dialled number. she refused to accept this reasoning and insisted that she knew who had tampered with her phone...

so i got myself a new line and i will use this to call her. she doesn't know this new number and if i get calls from this number, i'd know she had pressed it by mistake. 

:-)

coming taiwan trip

will be heading to taiwan this coming tuesday.

looking forward to it although i am not sure what my plans would be once i reached there. think i'll just take things easy and let bee do the planning. have told my mum i'd be away for work and she seemed ok about it. let's hope she stays this way. she's been coughing quite a bit these few days and my worry is that if she were to fall sick, it would be rather challenging for the maid to take care of her alone when i leave for taiwan. let's see how things go.

for now, fingers crossed.

ticks again

yesterday, the maid told me that she noticed ticks after sweeping the floor. that was not a good sign to me cos for ticks to be present on the floor, it mean sapphie would have been infested quite badly with them.

how could this be? i thought cos i had applied the medication on sapphie about 2 weeks back. nonetheless, i combed over sapphie's body and to my horrors, i found many (as in really really many) ticks. i noted that this species is a different one from what i had seen before. my only suspicion is that this species is either resistant to the medication or that i needed to apply on a more regular interval. 

i did another combing of her body today and found no less than 50-plus of them. and to make things worst, i also noted many ticks on the corners of my room ceiling. oh dear... need to buck up over the next couple of days to get rid of them.

sighs...

insomnia & flu

i had been experiencing very bad nights last two weeks or so. would wake up at 2am, 3am, etc nightly and end up heading to work tired. really not sure why this is so. but i suspect my mind was all stressed out given that i have a new (and perceived to be hostile) boss. this was worsened by the fact that mum had been going in and out of her moods again.

two nights ago, i was so physically overwhelmed by about 9.45pm i simply knocked out. couldn't walk properly nor stay awake. i fell into a deep sleep almost immediately but woke up at 12am, and stared at the ceiling for a long while before falling asleep again. to make things worst, my nasal cavity felt so parched and dry and i woke up unable to talk.

today, my body gave in. i started coughing, i had blocked nose, and the mucus that i spitted out was dark brown in colour. i had full blown flu. went to the clinic to get some medication and was given an injection too. the doctor was nice enough to also give me a day's mc for tomorrow.

:-)

first half month 2015

things seemed to be going relatively smoothly for me this first fortnight of 2015. nonetheless, there is this very uneasy feel about how things will develop in the months ahead. let's see how things go, especially for work. as i had reflected before, i needed to learn to let go and relax.

:-)

challenging times

i think my work life will be kinda interesting and challenging moving ahead. and i say so because of my new boss. here's some things that made me think so...

• he asked me to brief him about the system i had so conscientiously set up since i joined the company. and he spend no time to consider the difficult people-related factors that shaped the system as it is today, but simply criticised it and i was made to feel worthless (although i was not sure if that was his intent).
• he asked for background about things, and when i shared the details, he got flustered and simply said i don't care about who and what happened in the past, all i know is that i am answerable for this and i want it to be done this way. period.
• he was always quick to criticise and seldom spend time to reflect on the details. and this got worst when he went around asking department heads about their view about my department. and worst of it all, he simply accept their views without verifying details and wanted to change things.
• he kept telling us that he had reached his pinnacle and that his time with the company is because he was asked to join by my top boss and thus, he has nothing to prove, but to do what he is supposed to do. and he framed it very very narrowly. shan't go into details, but i really don't feel good about people who brag about having reached pinnacle.

objectively, in my two years with my current company, i had a lady leader who cared about us, and who gave us full trust in all we do. i also had a guy who refused to make decisions and for everything that you surface or suggest to him, he will give 10,000-and-1 excuse why it should not be done, and now, i have a boss who gives us no trust and who wanted to poke his finger into every little things we do.

gonna be an interesting and challenging time for me in the coming year...

seventh son

one thing i cannot understand was why the hell did jeff bridges speak like as though he has a huge (whatever) stuck in his mouth. it was difficult enough to follow the dialogue, and then he has to swallow his words throughout the show. doh! this is a show that i can best describe as predictable, no high and no low, in another words, flat. but well, if you were to go in without expectations, you will be able to enjoy it. 

i did.

:-)

good start 2015

2015 got off a reasonably good start.

bee has gotten a lot more sensitive to me. this was despite initial days of discomfort and mutual frictions over openness. and in the process, quite a few unarticulated past tensions surfaced. i supposed it allowed some clarifications. he has deleted his facebook account following that early morning's dumping by me. it was interesting but it felt like we were both trying to talk more. and we met up for high tea, for an afternoon show (i took leave as he was not working), etc...

but well, is this an initial heat of the moment to make up for the pains created? will this effort die of after the initial couple of days? will he continue to be sensitive to me and make the efforts to talk to me? will he go back to being self-centred and insensitive to me? i don't know. but let's just use this moment to try to strengthen the weakened bonds that was created over time. as i said, i wanted to do my part as a partner, let's hope he does his too moving ahead.

:-)

goals for 2015

here's the distilled list of "i wills" for 2015, framed from my end-of-year 2014 post. call it resolutions or guiding principles if you may, this list of "i wills" will guide me in my life for 2015. 

personal life

• build personal emotional resilience
• give myself the space/ the me-time
• respect myself and to love myself more

mum

• do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space

bee

• play my part as a partner

sapphie

• care for her 
• give her the attention she needs

siblings

• play my role as a brother/ uncle
• have no expectations of my siblings

health

• exercise and learn to relax
• ensure a good balance between eat what's good vs what's nice

work

• review my professional progression

friends

• keep the relationships going
• make more efforts to meet up

online friends (such as bloggers)/ blogging

• capture my life and experiences

2014 - intense

i started off 2014 with the clarity that i wanted to make this year a fulfilling one. and i had put in my efforts to make it so. my gut feel was that i had achieved it in areas that was under my control. but in areas that were not, it was seriously challenging. and so, i will not be calling 2014 a fulfilling one. and reflecting 2014, i realised that "fulfilment" had been a guiding principle but cannot be an outcome given that the people around me were not necessary in sync with me in terms of what i what i want to achieve. and thus, in refraining from using the term "fulfilling" to describe 2014, i found myself in a fix as to what adjectives i could use to describe 2014. some of the terms that came to mind include "tumultuous", "eventful", "difficult", "challenging" (you get the drift), or for that matter, even the terms "in and out" - something that was suggested by a fy - a friend i had known for quite a couple of years but have never met. but reflecting on things objectively, such negative sounding terms kinda resonate with me probably due to the recency effect of the events over the last couple of weeks. and thus, i shall not use them. instead, let me use the term "intense" to describe 2014. here's why...

personal life

i got my maid on 19 dec 2013. and with her presence, i was able to cope better with looking after mum although i must say that the initial 4-5 months were rather hellish for me given the huge tensions that occurred between mum and the maid. it was really bad. i supposed it was the initial periods where both of them (and myself) had to come to terms with having a new member in the team, made worst by a mum that was mentally unsound yet wanting to exert her authority - a very clear behaviour reflective of those of towkays (or perhaps more like slave owners) over coolies that was her time aeons ago. there were times where i had to rush home from work, and to find the maid crying and my mum totally emo, demanding that the maid be sacked or the maid be punished for little things that didn't meet her expectations. but thankfully, that period came and went and the maid had gotten used to the task of taking care of mum. and with her presence, i was able to leave the house for say dinner and shows without worrying about mum. and in this aspect, i thought my personal life improved. hurray for me in this aspect. on the other hand, many events and relationship-related issues i faced this year made me reflect about my own sense of security. i realised i had been reliant on people in many aspects and that i had placed too much value in relationships. now, this is not a bad thing per se and for that matter, a very human thing. but for me, it had come to a point where i found my own happiness and well-being being affected so badly when people around me did not did not value me. for example, all these while, i kept thinking how great it would be if people around me (especially bee) can be there for me, to show care, to show concern and to pamper me. but i learned my lesson very hard in 2014 that i cannot force them to and i ended up being isolated. so for 2015, i will build personal emotional resilience to be able to stand on my own, and minimise the need to rely on others emotionally and i will continue to give myself the space/ the me-time to maintain my sanity and well-being. i will learn to respect myself and to love myself more. 

mum

it was probably one of the more manageable year for me in the areas of looking after mum. and it was not because her condition improved. contrary to this, her mental health actually took a nose dive and created many tensions for me as a caregiver. symptoms of schizophrenia appeared. her forgetfulness increased. she was diagnosed to have diabetes. her respiratory capacities decreased. her mental capacities also dropped and her tantrums came rather often, etc. and everything threatened me in all aspects of my life - from my me-time, work-time, etc. but i tried as far as i could to retain my sanity. it helped a lot that i had a maid (who understood the challenges) and had complemented me in managing mum. it also helped that i was familiar with her medication and that i had learnt how to titrate the medication to suit the situation. physically, she has also weakened and this was in part due to her weight and her sedentary lifestyle. she was heavy, too heavy for her frame. and she had insisted that her legs were weak due to her op (that happened almost a decade ago). to make things worst, her mental health medications have the side effects of weight gains. and while i tried to control her diet, i had to make sure it did not affect her quality of life (food-wise). otherwise, i thought she fared relatively well compared to previous years, judging by the very few incidences of hospital stays. for the year ahead, i will do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space. i foresee this to be an increasing challenge but i will need to do it to retain my well-being.

bee

i said i wanted to work with him to see how best we can make our time together meaningful and that was done as much as i possibly could. but it turned out that he was the key source of periodic tensions throughout the year. and the intensity of these tensions increased tremendously over time. all these tensions were due to his overseas visits. his lack of considerations for me and his insistence to head overseas (bkk) rather frequently soured our relationship badly. the year ended with me momentarily declaring myself single. but i have decided to give him another chance. could this be a case of horse vs horse in a horse year? that horse people will meet with lots of issues as this is the year of clashes with our tai sui. this would be a good excuse for my tensions - that all things being equal, blame it on the stars. but these things have happened and what i want to do is to forgive and move on. but having said that, it is very hard to forget something that have hurt me to the point of almost killing me. so, as i move ahead in this relationship, i want to work at reclaiming my space and i want him to know it. moving into 2015, the ball is in his court and if he fails to observe his promises to me, i will end the relationship. and this is not a threat, it is a fact. so my efforts in this relationship for the coming year is that i will play my part as a partner. it takes two hands to clap and if the other hand refuses to, i cannot help it. to me, this is a very down-to-earth and realistic approach to relationships, based on respect, care and concern, and considerations for each other, and not based on ideals of love and the belief that one must always be happy and whatever.

sapphie

at 14, sapphie is now a grand old dame of a dog. she was perhaps the luckiest amongst everyone in the household. she did not suffer any illness this year and had had all her routines well taken care of. she continued to enjoy the attention of people around her. it occurred to me that i had also considered her in many of my routines. and this came clearly when i found myself avoiding activities when i had the choice when mum was away, all because i wanted to ensure she's looked after. anyway, one thing was clear, she had weakened physically in 2014. she now finds it hard to take long walks and ends up panting life crazy. and she trips when she goes for slow jogs with me. i attribute all this to her age. she is no longer a puppy although she still have the tendency to want to behave like one, then to stumble and fall. it was quite funny actually. for mongrels, the average lifespan is 15-16 years and this set me thinking - will she leave us 2015? i certainly hope not, but if it happens, i celebrate the fact that she has had a good life. something that perhaps other dogs can only envy. (doesn't it sound funny for me to use a human eye to interpret a dog's view of ideal life? haha...) so for the coming year, i will continue to provide care for her and to give her the attention she needs. having said this, i will bear cognisance of the need to have a delicate balance with other spaces i have to manage, and that includes that of mum and myself. and if she dies, i will give her a proper and respectful send off.

siblings

with no expectations, i had no/ minimal disappointments. am still not talking to my eldest sis. as for my second sis, i had left her on her own and did not ask for anything from her. she kept her obligations and continued to help out, finance-wise and once a blue moon, visited mum. as for my brother, it continued to be one where there was mutual understanding and where we do not intrude into each other's space unnecessarily. similar to second sis, he observed his obligations towards contributing to mum's upkeeping. mum's reduced frequency in hospitalisation also helped smoothen out the relationship with him. and by virtue of the very close relationship i had with his kids, i had taken on the role of an elder in his household and by default, the unstated tasks of taking care of his kids whenever extra help was needed (such as when my nephew was hospitalised and i had to sleep with him in his hospital bed as they got about settling other stuff and looking after their elder kid) fell onto me. for 2015, i will continue to play my role as a brother/ uncle and i will continue to have no expectations of my siblings.

health

i didn't fare as well in the areas of health this year. much as i kept my tempo in my physical fitness and observe reasonable dietary habit, i had quite a few health scares in 2014. this was on top of the multiple occasions where i suffered a relapse of my depression. and they came one after another non-stop. there was issues relating to kidney stones, reflux, plantar fasciitis/ swollen and painful soles etc. and as part of treating these issues, i underwent the procedure to remove kidney stones sometime mid-year. it was something i really hope not to go through anymore in future. but the silver lining of all these procedures were the clarity that i did not have any cancer (as yet). i ended the year with some outstanding medical tests to be done within the next 1-2 months of 2015 including a scope of my stomach. given that my family had a history of cancer, i have been considered to be in the high risk group. so... for 2015, i will continue to exercise and learn to relax. diet-wise, i will ensure a good balance between eating what's good vs what's nice (that may not necessarily be good for health, heh heh).

work 

i achieved my aims of strengthening my team and deepening our professional relationship. it was indeed a great achievement for me, but i had the regretful task of having to send her off following her resignation in oct 14. her resignation reflect the tumultuous and intense work environment that happened in office this year. it was superbly challenging. the company did not do well amidst challenging business environment, the ceo resigned after restructuring the business, a new ceo came in, the company was downsized and almost 25% of staff left (voluntarily or otherwise), my dynamic and well-loved chief was asked to leave, the next level leader took over unwillingly and within a few weeks of assuming the role, resigned. significantly, the removal of my chief shook the department and one after another started to look for opportunities outside. the lack of effective leadership saw the whole department falling apart. one after another, key people in the department left. i myself almost left following an offer by a bank. the offer did not materialise regretfully although on hindsight, it was a blessings as i learned that the internal environment was superbly challenging due to people-related/ relationship-related issues. so, yeah, 2014 was terrible for me in terms of work. i now have a new boss. i am still feeling him out but one thing seemed clear to me, for 2015, i will evaluate my fit relationship-wise, my development opportunities as well as my progression. relationship with boss is one factor, but importantly, my development and my fit is equally important. i will certainly make conscious efforts to develop myself professionally this coming year. and if my current company is not able to provide development opportunities and growth, i will change job, even if it means i have to work somewhere farther away from home.

friends

i have continued my efforts in engaging my friends in 2014. and i supposed many have come to terms that i have to look after my mum and they have considered my needs when they planned for any meet-ups. in addition, i have also maintain good contacts with my online friends. these friends continue to provide the support to me when things get challenging. and to these friends, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. for 2015, let's keep the relationships going and i will make more efforts to meet up.

bloggers/ blogging 

blogging was one of the key highlights for 2014. i started the year with the objective to continue blogging. and i did that, and more. i surpassed all my previous years in blogging entries for the year. i achieved an average 2 entries per day for 2014. then again, this achievement also reflect the increased frequencies of events that impacted me, both positively and otherwise, this year. my blog statistics perhaps is the ultimate quantifiable figure that reflected the intensity of the year. but from another perspective, it also showed that my life 2014 had been one very interesting one. for next year, i will continue my efforts to capture my life and experiences. 

in conclusion, 2014 had been an intense year for me in almost all aspects of my life. and when all the tensions coincide (such as health, mum and bee), i hit a state of near collapse. it occurred several times, most recently just last week. it was regrettable that i had to cap 2014 with a high degree of negativity but reflecting objectively, i had had a reasonably good journey. enlightening to a great extent. learning from my lessons in 2014, it looked like for 2015, the theme for it would be for me to lead a more balanced life, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more. 

happy 2015 everyone!

vitamin b6

i had started taking vitamin b6.  lets hope it helped me better manage my depression as well as my memory lost.

loosing my memory

i really do not know why.

these couple of days, i really find myself unable to remember simple things. it can be simple phone pin codes to allow me access during my internet banking or simple things like where i left stuffs. but i simply cannot commit them to memory, or even if i did, i cannot recall them after short moments.

it reminded me of mum. is something happening to me? could it be this recent challenging times create by bee that made me this way? and i said so because whenever i faced some huge mental stress, i will both experience some loss of memory as well as weakening of my mental capabilities. of cos, this usually comes after a prolonged period of depression. and this was what i had observed of myself through my life.

let's hope this forgetfulness does not last.

his promises

after our conversation, he promised me yesterday the following:

• that he will be more sensitive about and considerate to me

• that he will consult me and seek my agreement before he goes for any overseas (specifically, bkk) trip. and if i do not agree, he will not do so

• that he would give me at least a week advance notice for any overseas (especially bkk) trip. anything less, he will reject all requests

i will use the promises in this post to hold him to his words henceforth. let's see if he can live up to these promises cos he has for many times, broken his promises and commitment to me.

this is the final straw. and he knows i am dead serious about it.

bitchy me

it was the 7am, the morning after the long conversation. 

i had downloaded all my tensions, well almost all. i was still very unhappy that he was not willing to open up a lot of details about the people he went to bkk with other than they were his 3 closest colleagues, about how he did not consult me when he left etc... there were lots of questions left unanswered. but i told myself, the ball is in his court to be open about the people he interact with and i will see how open he is about sharing their details with me in the days to come.

i was about to leave for work when i saw a credit card on my living room table. it was a sub-card i got for him, a card that he had used consistently and on almost every month fail to pay me without me reminding him. it was extra painful for me this month cos he had promised to pay me but said he would do so last week as his expenses were tight. he did not but left for bkk. i could not reconcile how his expenses could be as tight as he claimed yet he could spend twice the amount he owed me by going to bkk at such short notice. ok, that was not the point. why did he leave the card behind?

i texted him. what was you meaning of this? i sounded hostile. i was not happy. when we got together,  i did 3 things to help him and as a symbol of our bond. shall not go into details of what these are except that they all involved monies and my sub-card is one of them. since then, he had killed one of these. i was not happy but accepted that he needed to learn how to better manage his funds. soon enough, he replied i need to manage my spending. no, this was not what i expect him to do. take it back unless you are telling me the relationship is off.

i went on to ask a lot of questions, questions that i wanted answers. my questions made him feel uncomfortable. yet i did not relent. he should have seen it coming from me. i was bitchy. i demanded answers. i wanted to also make him comfortable to open up. and he answered what i asked. added to that, i demanded that he remove his line picture. a picture he had put up on monday. he was smiling cheekily. i didn't like this picture. how could he be smiling cheekily at a time when there was so much tension. he did.

through the day, i observed his reactions and his attitudes to me. and by late afternoon, i asked him to meet me for dinner. i wanted to see if he has further excuses about work etc. he did not. we had a simple evening.

the recovery

he came back on sunday afternoon.

i didn't want to talk to him. i switched off my phone. this was the longest time in our close to 10 years together that we didn't talk. i was too hurt and too numb to do so. yet despite the numbness and sense of death i felt, inwardly, there was this little bit of me that worries about his well-being. but i kept all these feeling and thoughts suppressed. i wanted to give myself a break. i wanted to be fair to myself and to convince myself that i could live life as independently as possible. i was ready to cut this relationship.

and to avoid him, i kept my phone away. i did not carry it with me. i kept it in my car. i left it at home, etc. but occasionally i would switched it on to see if he had attempted to contact me. true enough, the first message came about 4-ish. it said "i am back". and through the whole of sunday, until i slept, he called a total of 6 times. but he couldn't reach me. i couldn't care to respond. his abrupt disappearance and lack of care and considerations for me had killed my heart. i was hardened. yet, i also pondered - how many times will he call me? to me, the number of attempts to contact me reflects how important i am to him. but on the other hand, i knew he won't. he is not that type of person. for him, i was certain, he would just stop once he sensed my avoidance. and i was right. there was no further contact from him on monday. i had left the phone switched on on monday as i needed to maintain a channel of communications with mum. but yeah, he did not call. nor sms.

monday. a week had passed since i last spoke to him. this was the longest time we did not talk to each other in our close to 10 years together. i was at home at about 9pm when i finally decided to text him. i decided to start the conversation. i didn't want this to drag. if the relationship is off, let's agree and move on. let's not drag this further i thought. he replied my text shortly after i texted him. he was at (his) home. i asked him to come over. "isn't mama at home?" he asked. damned, he forgot my mum was not around. it reinforced my suspicions that nothing i said went into him. "nope, i answered, she went to stay at my brother's place." 

he came over soon enough. initially, there was just silence. he acted like as though nothing had happened. i didn't want to start the conversation but after a while, i got impatient and what followed that was a good 4-5 hours of me throwing all my tensions and thoughts about him. i decided to make all my thoughts about where he failed as a partner explicit. if he cannot sense the issues, then i might as well tell it to him point blank. it was a tense 4-5 hours interspersed with moments of silence. he was bloody defensive at times, yet at times, he felt asleep and snored. how could anyone sleep when such a serious conversation was going on, i thought. there were moments where i wanted to just tell him to fuck off, but in the end, i decided to let him decide - do you want this relationship?

he said yes. 

apologise if you agree you had gone totally off and totally overboard this time round. i half demanded. he did. and i gave him the ultimatum - then, show it in action and in thoughts. show me that you value me. otherwise, i will not hesitate to end the relationship. 

the conversation ended about 3am before he left. 

i hardly slept after that. 

interstellar

caught the show on saturday night. it was a show i really wanted to watch and it turned out to be the best show i watched this year. it was really good. great acting and great visuals of the physics theories that i had read about so much.

:-)

supportive friends

over the past week, i had countless friends, straight and gay, who called, texted or mailed me. these friends came from singapore, (east & west) malaysia, australia and for that matter, as far out as uk and copenhagen asking if i was ok and that i could manage things. 

of cos, for readers of this blog, many did not know the magnitude of the issue and the many issues behind my tensions with him (some things were better left unsaid). as for my facebook friends, most did not even know of my sexuality. but they had picked up my distress signals from the picture of cemeteries i posted as well as my lack of updates (facebook, blog, etc). i was even touched by the fact that a lady classmate, who now lives in europe, mailed me and shared about her depression. she could identify with my pains and shared some of her struggles with me. and consistently, the message given to me was "you are not alone". and online, there were a couple of social media friends who texted me consistently to simply keep my mind occupied and to keep my mind away from unhealthy thoughts. it was ironic right? the people that were there for me was not him, but people that i had not expected. 

you know who you are, thank you very much. thank you for taking the efforts and time to text, email and/ or call me.  i deeply appreciate your reaching out to me during my down moments.

:-)

liberating vs destructive

i had self-declared singlehood over the weekend. and admittedly, it was with a tint of soreness and disappointment. but with the self-declared singlehood, i felt liberated. yet, i also felt a slight need to want to inflict a certain degree of self-harm. conflicting. what occurred in my mind was - i am now single and i might as well make the most out of my life and have fun while at it. and while i am having fun, let's do it in a manner that i can destroy myself. 

and with this mentality, options like crashing my car, jumping off buildings, jumping into the way of speeding cars in highways were shelved. they didn't carry any element of fun, despite having a common end-state. on the other hand, doing things like going clubbing to meet other people, to drown myself into the crowd, into the loud music, etc did not sound good to me to. i realised i had lost touch with the scene.

in the end, i decided to do things i enjoy but couldn't do it often enough and that these activities also came with an element of risk/ pain/ discomfort. i went to watch a midnight show - yup, to enjoy the show yet on the other hand, deprive me of some good sleep. i went to gay haunts such as fort road and cbp - to cruise and possibly, to get engage group sex, anal sex, anonymous sex, etc and get myself infected with all sorts of diseases and better still die (well, the sex part did not happen in the end) (is this what people called "revenge sex"?). i went for a run in the rain - to enjoy the feeling of rain washing away my tensions, and if possible, fall badly sick. i also took and published my nude pics online in social media and chatted with anonymous characters whenever i could.

so, yup, that kinda described how i felt and what i did to myself over the weekend. and the fact that i did and achieved what i wanted to achieve within my control, i thought the weekend was well spend.

lol.

weekend singlehood

weekend came. mentally, i had self-declared the relationship had ended and decided to give myself a chance at singlehood.

and i knew i would have a lot of time to myself, especially when my mum had gone to my brother's place to stay. i was angry that bee abandon me and left me alone despite knowing i would be free. but i was adamant that i did not want to feel lonely. to me, i told myself i had to reboot myself and to be comfortable to spend time alone. without him. i was so numbed and hardened by then. i was totally disillusioned with this relationship. i should learn to relieve myself of any dependence on others emotionally. and i should start to live positively. for myself. with this conviction, i took things in stride. i did not cry, i did not get moody, etc.

i spend the both saturday and sunday at my brother's place with my mum. but in the evenings, i headed out for some me-time. i decided not to meet up with any friends over the evenings as i didn't want to end up having to tell them sob stories. no, self-pity was the last thing i wanted, although i must frankly add that i was in a somewhat self-destructive yet self-liberating mood, i didn't know how to explain. will talk about it in another post.

anyway, on saturday night, i headed off for a movie in the evening. interstellar. it was kinda apt that i should watch this movie given that it was a movie that i had long wanted to watch but time and again, bee didn't want to (for whatever reasons) and we ended up with other shows. and if this marked the start of our separation, how appropriate right? i thought. but well, i erased that thought and simply went through the show. it turned out to be the best show i watched this year. magical. and after the movie, since i had the very rare time and opportunity to be single, alone, free and in town, might was well head out for some good fun. i wanted to head to the clubs but i had forgotten how to and there was no friends i could call to go with. also, clubs are for young boys, not uncles. haha. in the end, i went cruising. that's what all gaymen do when they have time right? but haha... turned out there were no one at the haunts. perhaps all have gone overseas for their year end break. but yeah...

i had a good weekend.

:-)

don't text me anymore

"zao an bee"

"nite bee"

"good morning bee"

"wang an bee"

what's the point of texting me good mornings and good nites when there was an absolute vacuum in between? you don't even share your flight itinerary. you don't even share your whereabouts. you don't even ask about my well-being. you are not even interested if i am managing your absence ok? if you have me in your thoughts, you will read your line messages. you will read my blog. you will call me. there was absolute silence. and the silence is very loud.

"don't text me anymore"

"goodbye"

opening up & feeling valued

i become withdrawn when i am depressed. and i don't care who you are, even if you are someone very close to me, i will just not open up so easily. and i simply hate it when people ask - but why didn't you tell me? no, i open up only when i feel right, and i don't necessarily feel right at the time when i am with people i am close to. i am not a robot that can easily just switch on and off. many times, it is easier for me to pen down my thoughts via my blog when i am quiet. so, if you value me and are concerned about me, read my blog. use it to complement our conversation. it provides another channel to know my inner thought and to deepen your understanding of me. i remembered how you used to do that, but in recent years you have stopped. and when i asked, you felt agitated and told me off. frankly, when you do that, i clamp up even more.

and i do appreciate if people i am close to can just be a little more sensitive to me. give me the space to blank off where appropriate. and when i needed it, cajole me, give me some good attention, make me feel comfortable, make me feel i am valued. it means a hell lot to me if you can simply tell me my friends have asked me to go with them to (which ever place), but i chose to stay here with you. such actions and the thoughts behind it mean a whole world lot more for me that to say things like you mean more than my life to me, i will be with you for life, etc etc etc. all these words came across as empty when they are not supported by actions. i just need you to be there for me when i need you. and often, it is just be close to me physically. in country. especially when i am down.

it's that simple. you can call me very char bor (woman), i don't care. i deserve to treat myself better.

that is me.

considerations

can i simply ask for a little bit of sensitivity and considerations for me when you make any decisions? especially when you know jolly well that this has been a very tender and difficult period for me. and unlike previous times, you have a choice to go or not to go this time round. and instead of asking me, you simply called to tell me "i will be going bkk, i know you are not going to be happy about it, but i will be going to bkk." 

fuck! how do you expect me to react? i don't apologise for getting upset when you adopt such attitude towards me.

outward vs inward

outwardly, i looked as normal as i usually did. but inwardly, i was totally messed up. i supposed people who interacted with me often enough could sense a change in me but obviously you didn't. or perhaps you simply took it that i was just simply being difficult.

time and again, i struggled with myself and have kept asking if i had been unfair to you in my behaviour whenever you travel overseas, but another side of me kept asking why you just could not seemed to consider me a little more. and why couldn't you sense my needs. added to that, i don't think it is unreasonable for me to expect you to touch base with me when you are overseas. you cannot expect me not to worry about you, you cannot expect me not to wonder if you are ok. if you have me in your thoughts, such messages will come naturally.

and when i ask that of you, we always end up with you chiding me for being unreasonable, and simply tell me off by saying things like "i cannot help it if you see things or think things this way".

distressed state

i had avoided talking for him after he told me he'd be leaving for bkk. i was really sore about it and his lack of considerations for me when he decided to go. he had a choice but chose to go. this was made worst by the earlier thoughts that i would be undergoing a medical procedure and had hoped for his presence to support me. i couldn't sleep the night before he left. it was also the night before i was supposed to head back to work after a 10-day of absence and i was totally not looking forward to it. there was no sense of purpose at work, my staff had left, i had had a quarrel with a colleague before I took my leave and i had to return back to a hostile office. i was a total mess that night.

i texted him at 2-plus after tossing and turning in bed for some time. can please don't go? please? i got a reply about an hour later that said something like – why is my going to bkk going to result in a break-up? is it that serious? i was totally not in the state of mind to talk and did not answer his call. it was close to 3am. it was not me to plead. but this time round, i did. i was desperate and helpless. i texted him and asked again – can don't go? please? i got no reply from him.

it will not be truthful for me to say that i didn't contemplate suicide at that wee hours of the morning. i was too confused and too upset by that time to think objectively. i had hoped he could be around during this christmas period. i am not christian and do not celebrate christmas but still, i had hoped that he would be around during this special season that to me, is very family-centric and very significant. i had also hoped he would understand my current state of mind. but i supposed it was kinda too much of me to ask for. perhaps he didn't know the extent of depression that i was nor understand the mental stress i had been facing. or maybe i didn't tell him all these things directly.

my mind was in a state of turmoil when i headed off to work that morning. i arrived at work early but didn't want to head up to my office. i ended up parking my car at an isolated corner of the business park and i just sat there, dazed. i headed to work as per normal and at about 9.15am, i got his message – i am boarding, don't be sore about it. see you sunday. that very moment, a large part of me died. my heart hardened.

my hands were trembling so badly i could hardly hold my phone when i saw his final pre-boarding message. from his text, it was clear he had read my blog and understood how sore i was about his going bkk. and added to that, despite my pleading with him, he had proceeded to leave for bkk. he had given a deaf ear to my plea to him. it was then that i concluded that my well-being has become secondary to him. that his "colleagues" (or perhaps "friends" or whatever) were more important to him. they have taken over me in his heart.

i didn't know what to do at that moment. i felt so totally helpless. i walked out of my office and stood at my office building stairwell. i didn't know what to do. outwardly, i seemed ok to my office staff. but inside, i was crying. since he wanted to go bkk so badly with his "colleagues", i contemplated making him feel guilty for his act. forever. once again, i was so near to taking my own life. i almost lost my senses. but i didn't. after i gain composure, i walked back to my cubicle, my clothes damp from my perspiration. after that, i simply retracted into myself even more.

i was literally a walking zombie the whole day. it didn't matter that the department had a christmas lunch, or that they got me a belated birthday cake. it didn't matter that everyone seemed so smiley and cheerful. to me, everything was a total pack of lies. all fake, all make believe. everything was so meaningless since then.

sore & confused

i am still feeling very sore about bee leaving for bkk. i may not be christian and i do not celebrate christmas, but still, i do wish to be able to spend christmas with my family. and i have considered him as my family.

i have once again asked if i should just end this relationship. he has time and again, repeatedly tell me of his visits last minute. and all the time, he said it was for work. and all the time, it coincided with public holidays. and this time round, it happened again. and he had anticipated my hostile reaction. 

but this time round, it was to pray. and to relax. not work. he has a choice, he admitted. but he chose to go. this despite knowing i had to undergo gastroscopy (before i found out it was a consultation). 10 years ago, i experienced a similar incident with james. he chose his work over my health. he refused to accompany me for my brain scan. that incident shook me really hard.

looks like history has some what repeated itself. 

i am confused. 

no scope done (yet)

went to the clinic expecting to have my gastroscopy done but no, in the end, it was a consultation with the doctor to assess if i am fit for the procedure. 

after asking a whole lot of questions to understand my medical history, he asked me to lie down on the examination table. and he pressed his hands onto different parts of my abdominal areas. some areas felt a little sore, but when he pressed the appendix areas, i almost jumped up. it was really tender. he apologised.

in the end, i was made to sign a series of papers - for the anaesthetic, for the procedure, for acknowledging that there is a risk (0.01%) of internal bleeding and tears, etc... and my appointment was fixed. 

22 jan 15.

gastroscopy

i will be heading to the hospital tomorrow to undergo the gastroscopy procedure. it's to check if there are anything nasty in my upper gastrointestinal tract that is causing my reflux (gerd). feeling a little uneasy now. have not been told of any special preparations on my part but when i read the internet, i learned that i needed to fast for 6-8 (some even suggested up to 10hours) before the procedure. i was not supposed to drive or to operate any machinery as i would be drowsy after the procedure. and much as it would be a very straight forward and simple procedure, there is a little wee bit of chance of complications (like internal bleeding)... so i read.

wanted to ask bee to drive me there. i had hoped he would be around to give me the support tomorrow and the next few days (just in case of complications). but it's not gonna happen. he's heart is not here anymore. he leaves for bkk wednesday and tomorrow he'll probably be busy finishing his work and preparing his trip with his "colleagues". and i am not in the mood to talk to him now.

i think i'll just walk to the hospital tomorrow.

wtf right?

ps: frankly, i am a little apprehensive about the procedure. never liked having things being inserted into me. thus far, i have had things inserted through my rear, my penis, my nose, and my ears before.  and this would be the final hole to be invaded... lol!

going bkk again...

yup, bee is heading to bkk again. to pray, considering the (his company's) business is not doing too well, and to relax with his "colleagues". wednesday to sunday. once again, as always, it is when there is a holiday (last time, it was deepavali, and this time round, christmas) and his trip would be stretched over the holiday period into the weekend.

when he told me that, i almost wanted to just cancel the taiwan trip.

:-(

standard liners?

i had some time to myself and wanted to make an appointment for a facial. i called them up and this was how the conversation went:

me: hi, i'd like to make an appointment for this afternoon. 

service staff: errr, can i have your name?

me: jeffrey. jerome usually does the treatment for me. 

service staff: errr, jerome is not in today y'know? he works only on wednesday and thursdays.

me: no problem, it's ok. 

service staff: he not in leh, you sure you ok? you sure you still want slots?

me: ya, what slots do you have? 

service staff: orhh, errr, what slot do you want?

me: ok, erm, how about 1pm?

service staff: oh i'm sorry, our 1pm. 2pm, 3pm slots all fully booked. if you want, we only have 4pm and 5pm.

me: ....

hmmm, first she sounded like as though she's wishing me away, then she asked me for my preferred time slot, only to tell me later that she only had 4 and 5pm left. why didn't she just tell me she only has 4pm and 5pm slots from the start? would have closed the conversation way ahead right?

lol!

ex's & why's

was surfing the net and found this rather interesting and clever sentence:

"i made a graph of my past relationships. 
there is an ex-axis and a why-axis..."

heh, it was not difficult to guess which profession the writer was in.

sounds of waves

i was on leave today. took leave in anticipation of the need to pay respects to my dad to commemorate the winter solstice. but well, since we paid our respects yesterday, i ended up with a day to myself. 

i left the house as usual at 7.30am. and decided to simply head to the beach to relax. was supposed to meet an ex-colleague for breakfast at 9am and had some time to kill.  and wow, it was really relaxing - reading my papers as i laid down on the breakwater (artificial barrier to break the waves and to protect the reclaim seafront from erosion), and listening to the waves as they gently hit the breakwater. 

very nice! 

first holiday in 5 years

decided to take a 3-day break to taipei in jan 2015. it will be my first proper holiday since 2009. and i have told mum i will be heading to taiwan to work. hmmm... it's a lie. me bad. but well, i needed it. and i am looking forward to it!

dongzhi 2014

dongzhi (冬至）or the winter solstice falls on 22 dec 2014 (tomorrow). but since it is a monday, we decided to commemorate it today instead. and that kept me busy whole day. helped my sis-in-law do the preparations and the cooking before heading to the columbarium to pay respects to my late-dad. so... 

yeah, made the tangyuan (汤圆) as well nonya chap chye. simple fare, but one helluva lot of work!

i am so tired now...

:-)

eerie feel

i met up with bee last night and we decided to head out for a drink.

i didn't want to watch any more shows, considering we had watched 2 shows during the week. we decided to head out to siglap area for a drink instead. i parked my car at the siglap centre basement and decided to head to the toilet before making our way for our drinks.

i opened the toilet door, took a step inside and i felt a chill. things didn't feel right. i immediately walked out of the toilet. it had been a very long time since i felt this way. and frankly, i didn't know how to describe the feeling other than perhaps 阴气很重... (yin energy was overwhelming).

yikes!

neighbours

i have always liked this photo. 

it was taken sometime in the late '70s and it shows me carrying my neighbour's baby. and the thing was - my neighbour was that of a malay family. and in those days, we had this open door policy where neighbours and their kids can come into each other's house without worrying too much about whether they'll feel less than welcome. in fact, back in those days, the kampong spirit was strong. people of different races co-existed peacefully. and we respect each other's space and culture. 

:-)

our solar system is a vortex

now, this is a very interesting clip showing how the solar system is a vortex instead of the commonly seen 2-d model where all planets simply rotates around the sun. it argues that the sun is in fact moving at 70,000 kmphr and thus all the planets' movements are, in actual fact, similar to that of a vortex. interesting right? 

then again, to put in perspective, there are movements and there are movements. and i say this because, apart from the sun that is moving, we also need to recognize that the milky way itself is moving... so things are actually not so straight forward. but if we were to see it in perspective and to reflect the whole movement in relation to the size of the universe... then the speed of the movement becomes quite slow. 

ok, think i am going no where... but yeah, the beauty of space.

:-)

daytime pick-ups

i was bored yesterday as i took leave but didn't know what to do in the end. and after i slept half the day, i decided to head out of the house. i had no specific place to go nor specific plans too. i ended up driving aimlessly towards the direction of the pool i frequent - katong pool. then again, as it was drizzling quite badly, it made no sense for me to head there. in the end, i ended up sitting in my car at the infamous fort road car park and watching the goings as i read my papers.

the fort road areas had changed quite dramatically after the recent opening of a new road that leads into the reclaimed land. and as a result, the circle (roundabout) has been removed. added to that, the road had been elevated by at least 2m (using my height as a gauge). so the whole place felt higher. i supposed this was a direct result of the government's recent updating of land reclamation protocol given rising sea levels - that all land fill/ reclamation works must bring the level up to 2.5m above sea levels instead of 1.5m (that was the old protocol). ok, i have digressed.

i was at the car park reading my papers as it drizzled. it was quiet when i arrived at 1-ish. but within less than half an hour, a few cars started to enter the car park. there were no less than 4-5 cars. it was kinda interesting, considering it was a weekday. soon enough, cars began to pair up and parked beside one another. and next thing i knew, one person from one car hopped over to the other. heh heh... it was not difficult to guess what went on inside the car. anyway, in less than 10min, the guy emerged and went back to his car and then both cars left. such a scene repeated as i sat there, just observing.

and one particular car struck me. a car that carried the numbers sfv###4. the driver of this car hopped onto another car, had his time in it and returned to his car. and then he drove his car around the car park again before repeating this ritual with another car... not too sure, but i suspected the driver had a couple of fun in the span of an hour of two. and i said so cos i went for my lunch and came back and he was still at it. what a harvest huh? haha... 

it was an eye opener for me no doubt. surprised that such a thing still happened in the car park, and in broad daylight despite all the constructions that had happened.

:-)