electrocuted goldfish

if fishes can glow when they get electrocuted, my goldfish would have shine like a light bulb! ok, ok, am not about to make a joke out of this incident. it was actually very unfortunate. all these while, i have mr ranchu (a gold fish) remaining in my fish tank after ms oranda left us last year. and for the last few months, mr ranchu has been feeling unwell. he (i am assuming it is a he) has cataracts and his eyesight has been failing. i also noticed his swimming speed seemed to have slowed down and he was somewhat lethargic. as a result, whenever i throw food pallets into the tank, mr ranchu would rise up slowly to the water surface and just gulp and gulp and gulp randomly. if he is lucky, one or two of the pallets will go into his mouth, else he will be eating air! haha...

ok, i have digressed... what happened was that the tank had this layer of algae and i decided to give it a scrub last evening. as i did not intend to change the water, i simply used a cloth and wiped the internal surface. mr ranchu, in his lazy self, swam to the corner as i did the cleaning. once i was done, i proceeded to waster the filer and topped up the tank with water. some hours later, as i was about to sleep, i thought i'd take a look at mr ranchu and feed him. hmmm... i saw him in a vertical position, head down. motionless. oops... mr ranchu had died, i thought and i decided to pick him up. when i inserted my hand to try to pick mr ranchu, i felt an electric current flow throw my hand. not a huge shot, but a light tingling sensation not dissimilar to that one feels when one go for acupuncture treatment.

my ranchu started swimming when he felt my touch. ooooh, my ranchu is still alive! hurray i thought. and that when when i noticed the floor around the tank was wet. in fact, when i looked around, i noticed water seeping out of the tank via the filter sponge that was dislodged inadvertently when i cleaned it earlier. and that was when i realized - mr ranchu had been, for the past few hours, subjected to an electrocution. horrors! to me, it was a light tingling sensation, but in perspective, mr ranchu is hundreds of times smaller than me and thus, it must have been a terrible experience for him! oh no! i looked closer and i noticed this - mr ranchu's scales were standing up! eeeeks! and till now, he is still swimming vertically and at times, upside down... wonder how long more he can last!

i am so sorry mr ranchu!

** after 2-3 days of staying still upside down, mr ranchu finally died peacefully today on the 8 oct. he left us when we were having our dinner at changi airport. 

sugar daddy 2

someone commented in one of my earlier post about dreaming for a sugar daddy. his comment reminded me of a post i did almost exactly 4 years back. i still recall clearly that guy who approached me to be his sugar daddy was an arts faculty nus student. small built, probably no more than 1.60m (or less), skinny, fair and has a headful of longish yet ruffled hair. very untidy look. well, i think i had made my feelings and thoughts about the idea of people who wants sugar daddies clear in that post. but yes, it is indeed a very attractive and sexy thought - someone who dotes on you, who buys stuff for you, who spends like no body business on you...

but... (as in everything good, or too good to be true), the real world is not so straight forward. sugar daddies do exists. it is a sexy and appealing thought to have one. and the thought itself is like an addiction. you yearn for it. and as for sugar sons, they do not last long. and this is becos they wither and die. yes, they literally die of boredom, or depression as a result of the loss in dignity and a sense of self-worth. imagine this, someone buys you free things and often, in return, you become his sex slave... and like sugar, you melt and disappears... you totally lose your sense of self as a result. either that or people ostracize you...

worth it?

ps: i do have friends who have sugar daddies and most gave up. only one of them continued the relationship but in the end, he was so bored he started working and the relationship became more like that of a typical couple...

pps: i do want to make a point here that in the word sugar daddy, there is an emphasis on the word "sugar". it is different from having an interest in "daddies"... which i feel the motivation of the interest is in the "older man" and not in the self-centric outcome of "material well-being"... haha... 

ppps: ref the above pps, i also think the concept of "daddies" here does not necessarily equate to dilfs. for dilfs, the whole idea remains at the desire-level. that is, "i want to fuck" (but cannot or never get to fuck) or at most get to fuck but not into relationships. this is as opposed to people with real interests in daddies where these individuals can only get into lasting relationships with older men.  

picture from http://www.965thebuzz.com/

mum went "missing"

this is a belated post. it occurred yesterday. i should have sensed it but i did not... woke up in the morning, and mum told me she felt tired and did not want to head to the rehab. afterall, she had just been discharged from the hospital the day before. and she told me she had arranged for eldest sis (the one who refused to talk to me) to visit her with lunch and thus, i need not worry about her meals. she sounded convincing enough and i went to work. notwithstanding the fact the it was my last day at work, i had to attend a meeting to sort out some stuff in hq before i was able head back to my unit, which, as usual, there was a huge pile of stuff for me to sign and clear before i leave for good. after signing more than a hundred documents, i went about my final packing. gotta get all the remnants of my stuff surrendered before i did my clearance. in short, it was hectic. so much so that i forgot that mum did not call me at about 1130am, the usual time when she would tell me about her lunch. it was about 12.30pm as i was about to leave my office when i realized the delay and decided to call her.

perhaps she was talking to my sis and thus she did not call me, i told myself. there was no answer. i called again, and yet again, there was no answer. and i repeated the calls for some 5-6 times. i got worried. by that time, i was already on the ecp. i decided to head home to check on her. and as i passed by marine parade, she picked up the phone. she sounded like as tho she was panting. and she said she was bathing, and that was why she did not call me. i questioned further, and she said she was asleep in my sis place. i asked if she had lunch, and she said my sis brought her to the bedok south market for lunch. that was when all alarms went off. that market is currently under renovation! i got suspicious. i questioned further. and she said she was at my sis's friends' house. and the more i asked, the more inconsistent her answers got. and then someone in the background asked her "ah ma, why are you alone on the road? you can walk or not? don't fall down ok? how come you are alone?" when i heard this, i panicked. i called out to her, she didn't talk, in fact, she was speaking in some broken english with the lady who had just spoken with her. i managed to listen to the whole conversation as she had left her phone on.

my heart pumped fast as i decided to exit bedok and head towards my sis's place. i hung up and called her again. and yet again, she insisted she was at my sis's friends' place. and that the lady who spoke with her was my sis's friend. i insisted on talking to that lady. my mum refused and said the lady had left. and i told her i will report police. she didn't sound pleased. finally, she told me she was at the bright hill temple in ang mo kio. i didn't really believe her and asked again, and now, she insisted she's at my sis's friends' place. i could hear people talking in the background and again, i told her to pass the phone to the lady who had spoken with her. mum relented. and i could hear her tell the lady to lie to me that she is at my sis's friends place.

"hello" a lady's voice rang.  "who are you and where is this place?" i asked, sounding a little alarmed. "i am victoria" she answered. "who are you and where is this place? why is my mum with you?" i asked, sounding a little angry. "oh, is the lady your mum? wait, wait, let me walk away from her..." she said. "hi, are you the son? we are at bright hill temple and she's alone. your mum told me to tell you i am your sis's friend. but i am a buddhist and i cannot lie..." she went on... "i have just called a cab for her, can you give me your address, i will help direct the cab to your house."... i gave her the necessary details, and she said "oh, please don't scold her when you see her ok? do go down to the lobby to wait for her..." i assured her i will not scold my mum, thanked her and hung up...

mum came home eventually. to her, she didn't want to trouble me as she said i have to work. sighs... good intentions no doubt, but certainly, it caused a whole lot of panicking amongst me, my sis and my brother-in-law...

what a way to end the week, and my career with my company.

dilf

dilf, a term i recently learned that means "dads i'd like to fuck". and i think it is quite interesting that there is such a term. cos invariably, it suggests that the term was coined by a person who has an interest to have sex with a straight/ bisexual married man/ men who presumably has kids (true to the definition of "dad"). and i believe this acronym has been bastardized/ now generally used to refer to a younger person who has this interest to wanna have sex with an older man/ men.

whatever the definition is, it has kinda heightened my awareness of and to link the whole idea of sex with fathers/ married men. and this concept rang through my head as i had dinner with mum at the singapore expo yesterday. there was an event for the sale of baby stuff. and lo and behold, there were just that many many many married couples with prams, babies, kids and what have yous there! and even though my dinner place was a good distance away from the retail areas, i was superbly irritated by a whole army of screaming kids and doting parents. even as a kid lover (no, not in a pedo sense), i was going aiyoh, such spoilt kids, slap you then you know... i supposed it was made worst by the fact that i see parents not ticking off their kids and teaching them correct values and choosing to instead not see the mistakes and bad behaviour of their kids!

and while most of the daddies seemed to look like they are in their 20s-30s, none of them look attractive to me! in fact, all of them looked and behaved like they have either been sucked dry of their energies, irritated, grumpy, fat, unhealthy, trapped, or simply, resigned. hmmm, i sound a little mean here right? then again, it was the end of the week and i supposed they were really tired...

but ya... the whole concept or idea of dilf did not exist at that moment.

:-)

ps: the opposite term is milf (mums i'd like to fuck)... then again, with my background in security studies, up till last week, milf refers to moro-islamic liberation front - a muslim separatist group fighting in the island of mindanao in the philippines... hahaha...

picture from http://morethantoast.org

social escorts

was at orchard road today, and as i walked a lady with a stack of flyers in her hand rushed to me and reached out to me with one of the flyers. must be one of those restaurants, i thought. thank you, i said. and i walked along. when i took a look, i almost laughed out loud... for the first time in my life (or to my memory), someone actually pass me a social escort flyer. haha...

my immediate thoughts was - the lady must be blind. come on, much as i do not believe previously, i am now almost convinced (after bee and many people told me) that one look at my mannerism, people will know i am gay. hahaha... this was indeed a very contrasting experience compared to my trip to shanghai with bee sometime back. what happened then was, as we walked along nanjing east street (the shopping belt), i was approached by no less than 4-5 men. their opening line were - xian sheng, yao bu yao xiao jie? and when i said no, their immediate response was - xian sheng, yao bu yau xian sheng? haha... i was so sure they had wanted to ask me about whether i want a xian sheng but decided to play safe first by asking if i wanted xiao jie... 

bee always tease me about being a tout-magnet cos everytime we head to town or for tours, or simply places where there are touts (even at the local heartland hawker centers), our mr touts always come to me to peddle their stuff... arggghhhh... do i really have that chee koh pek face? or do i look like some millionaire father whereas bee is my son?

chey...

final farewell

today is my last day at work. and i bought 100 roses and managed to give minimally a dozen pink roses for all my female staff. well, as to why it i chose pink, well, i did not. my staff did. in fact, i drove 2 of them to the florist and they chose the colour cos they thought it looked good. and when i took it back to office, the whole office smelled of roses! nice! and it turned out to be the perfect choice. all of the other female staff liked it a lot. and i got a little emotional when my admin supervisor started crying just as i walked about to wish everyone farewell... 2 years, 4 months and 7 days. very eventful indeed. but steep learning curve and thankfully, a lot of support from all my staff. felt sad to leave, but to preserve my sanity and dignity, i have to.

a final closure to one more chapter of my life.

ps: i did i google and found out that pink represents appreciation, thanks and gratitude. very appropriate too!

jack'd

funnily, i noticed a lot of people in jack'd are 23 years old. and of cos, as to be expected, many of them looked more like 32 years old. then again, in this semi-closeted world, one cannot believe what another reflect in his profile. there are just that many lies out there. lies that are meant to either mislead or to protect... whatever...

and oh, there is a specific character that is very persistent. keeps sending me messages asking me to be friend, to meet for coffee, for tea, for fun, for ltr, etc... and even gave me his number. after i got his first message, i thought hmmm quite interesting. i ignored. not me to respond to anyone usually. and i have jack'd cos my main purpose is to kaypoh around to see who are the x-men around me. and then i got a second message 2 weeks later. almost the same sentence but with more details... and i thought wa, he remembers... again, i ignored. and then after one more week, aka today, i got a repeat mail from the same person. hmmm... the first thought that came through my mind was aiyoh, this person is desperate la... again... 

i ignored.

as a boss

as a boss, one must always remember - it is not a crime to be free. and when you yourself are free, have the discipline not to disturb your staff. but if your backside is itchy and you really cannot leave them alone, then go coach them. or else, go take a break and give them space to do what they need to do. and if your staff are also free, then go and drink coffee and chat with them... 

:-)

dilbert

interestingly, after about 2-3 weeks of correspondence, i found out that my pen pal friend and i had worked in the same unit, but at different time. also, he belonged to the same field as me when he was in the unit. and to top it off, his boss during his ns days now works for me in my company. call that coincidence... the lion city is just too freaking small...

wow!

kancheong doctor

my mum got hospitalized again today. i brought her in to check her knees cos it was painful, a result of a fall she had last thursday, as well as her non-stop cough. also, her legs has been showing signs of swell lately. interestingly, the doctor at the a&e who saw her was more kancheong than me. he almost freaked out when he saw her condition. i, on the other hand, was not too excited cos to me, her part breathless condition was kinda normal cos she has always been like that... 

anyway, he quickly got the nurses to neb her and send her in to the critical care unit. and he injected her with some medication to help her pee. apparently, after some questioning, mum admitted she had been drinking lots of water and her body was totally overloaded with water. that caused her legs and hands to swell, and the swelling, i suspect, made her very sensitive. and that was why she had been complaining of painful legs and hands. well, the other reasons why the doctor panicked was becos he was afraid her heart would collapse.

even before he completed checking her in details, he was already telling me - ward her, i need to ward her immediately... and he kept repeating it i felt kinda awkward. to me, a doctor was supposed to keep calm, and to maintain his composure so that he can project the image of confidence to family members. somehow, his kancheongness wasn't too assuring and i can imagine myself freaking out if i were the kancheong-type too.

haha...

discount

well, i got my repaired phone back. and the shop owner gave me a discount. 10 bucks... hmmm, not too bad. and he also gave me the screen protector free. and he did so becos he felt apologetic as he did not manage to get the whole screen protector fully pasted. 

well, i am certainly not complaining. this is good service!

:-)

top? bottom?

a friend took a look at the youtube video i posted and say oh, he looked like a typical bottom... 

question is:  can we really identify a top/ bottom just by looking? 

my personal thoughts is that for some perhaps, but for some it is so very difficult. and if you noticed, i used "perhaps" cos we can never be too sure, i for once, know some people who are very effeminate but from conversation, i could only conclude that in bed, they are the dominant ones. and conversely, we have very alpha-male looking people who are known receivers when it comes to sex (i am tempted to use the muscle mary example, but then again, we have "top" muscle marys). can be oh so confusing right? haha! it thus goes back to the whole issue of permutations. role preference in bed cannot be equated to how effeminate one is.

crazy naked man

was at the pool earlier and went to take a bathe after i was done with my sunning. there were some 5-6 people in the shower room and so as usual, i headed to the 2nd last cubicle. this is the so called standard one that i usually use cos it is rather private as it is half hidden from the common areas where people change. as i headed into the cubicle, i also noted the the last most corner cubicle was occupied. ahhh... that was the usual cubicle where many gay men end up having sex in... and i wondered who was inside. heh heh...

i walked into the cubicle (the second last), stripped off my trunks, hanged it up together with my towel and started showering. as per most people showering, i had left my door open to allow me to look at my bag on the bench. and halfway through my shower, a man shouted into my cubicle. ooi! why! you not happy izzit! with water flowing into my eyes, i turned my head and i saw this totally dark skinned indian person. perhaps about in his mid-30s. average built, not fat and neither was he skinny. he was standing right at my cubicle door. and he was stark naked. and man was really furious... he stared into my cubicle and screamed out loud - why! you not happy is it? (he repeated) why must come and disturb me? you are chinese right? and i know you are not happy with me! i am indian and all you chinese like to disturb me!... all you chinese the same, everyone like to disturb me!... and he rattled on and on and on... repeating the same thing.

he shouted real loud. at that immediate moment, i wanted to ask him what was the issue? since when did i disturb him? and if by using the cubicle next to his was interpreted as disturbing him, then the issue is him and not me! and to say that i, as a chinese, bullied him, i felt insulted. i am, and we singaporeans are, so racially aware, sensitive and respect each other's culture. but i refrained. didn't want to aggravate an already very agitated person. i continued with my shower. i reckoned it was not a good idea to respond. especially not when i was as naked as he was and it would be really ugly to have a naked person come into the cubicle to assault me, another naked person, different race, notwithstanding. and so i ignored him.

this person then walked around the whole shower area in his full birthday suit, and continued with his allegations of chinese bullying him, an indian boy (yup, he used the word "boy")... i had, by then, concluded that that man was mad. completely unsound mentally. i continued my shower and just as i was about done, he arrived back at my cubicle door and continued shouting at me as he blocked my exit. damned, i was actually a little frighten by then. when he stepped away, i quickly collected my toiletries, my trunks and walked into the changing area. he followed suit, and continued screaming. everyone turned, looked at him, and simply ignored him. it was one of those occasions where i knew everyone was with me. and when eventually no one responded to him, he went back to his cubicle and continued his shower.

i regained my confidence. changed up, and quickly left. 

what a weird encounter!

ps: for an indian, i must say he was totally totally under-endowed! hahaha... then again, in my frightened state of mind, there was not a single thought of anything erotic! i just wanted to run off as fast as i can!

any which way

there is something about this video that makes it very appealing (to my gay side)... the men? the campiness? hmmm... whatever, just enjoy!

:-)

pengat lemak kacang

made one of my favorite peranakan dessert yesterday - pengat lemak kacang. been a long while since i last made it... this is my personal recipe after observing how my mum cooked her version...

:-)

ingredients
green beans - 200g
sago - 100g
gula melaka - 150g
coconut milk - extracted from 1 freshly grated coconut or 1 small ready-made pack
gula puteh (white sugar) - to taste
pandan leaves

preparation
wash pandan leaves and tear the pandan leaves along the veins. tie the leaves into knots and leave aside
(tearing the leaves will help the extraction process of the pandan fragrance). for the sago, wash the sago, dry off the excess water and leave it aside. as sago has the tendency to absorb water, it is useful to only wash it when the green beans are about cooked. for the coconut milk, if you are using freshly grated coconut, add about 50ml of water, and squeeze out the extract (if you prefer, you can squeeze it without adding any water). leave the initial thicker extract aside, add another 100ml of water and repeat extraction process. the second extract would be more diluted.

method
wash the green beans. put in the pandan leaves, add water and cook for about 45min until the green beans are cooked. remove the pandan leaves and discard. add the gula melaka and white sugar (to taste). when the gula melaka and sugar have melted, add in the sago. cook until the sago turn transparent. add in the ready made coconut milk. (if you are using freshly grated coconut, add in the second round diluted coconut milk first, bring to boil, then add the thicker initial extract). bring to quick boil, turn off the heat.

serve warm or chilled depending on preference.

* post-note: very important to bring to quick boil after adding the coconut milk, prolong boiling will make the pengat a little rancid due to the coconut oil being cooked out of the milk.

* to make pengat durian, you can use the same recipe but add in the durian meat (amount up to your preference) together with the sago.

japanese wonton mee

yesterday was kinda weird for me. you see, woke up in the morning and i knew mum was in one of her haywire mental state again. had expected it whenever i have any dinners on fri nights. saturday morning would definitely have her behaving weird. what happened was, for half of yesterday, she went on and on about how her children have forsaken her, ill-treated her, la la la... it was just very vexing for me. but well... managed to keep her mental state contained by reminding her of all the good things that is happening around her constantly.

and she was cheerful in the afternoon. made pengat lemak kacang (green bean soup cooked with sago and coconut milk) for her and you could see her face brighten up. in fact, so cheerful that she agreed to have bee join us for dinner. very unusual indeed. anyway, we picked bee up and decided to drive her to chinatown to see the lantern light-up. and she joked and talked non-stop through the journey as she narrate her childhood experiences to me and bee (yup, have listened to it umpteen times). and lo and behold, when we reached chinatown, the road was closed and there was a huge jam! we detoured and decided to head to liang court for some ramen.

arrived at liang court and sighs... we got ourselves stuck in the car park for close to 2 hours. arghhh... but interestingly, mum kept talking during the whole time. she went on and on and on about how bee was hungry and that, if she had known about the jam, she would not have joined us for dinner. hmmm... thankfully, we managed to get a lot just as we decided to leave the place. it wasn't long before we found our way to the ramen shop. a conservative eater, it was only since recent times when she stayed with me that she started to eat japanese food. before that, she has always swore off japanese food cos to her, all japanese food are raw and to her, anything raw = yucks!  we ordered ramen, tamago, extra serving of char siu, yaki char siu, steamed gyoza doused with a hearty serving of vinegar, and stewed pork. and to explain what all these are to her, i called the meal - japanese wonton mee. haha... it sounded familiar to her and before we knew it, she was slurping away the whole bowl of ramen! haha... it was a very nice evening in the end.

and yes, it was indeed a weird day where things started a little mental / crazy (literally), and ended rather nicely with her cheerful and happy.

spider webbed

came home yesterday after breakfast with mum, got out of the car and dropped my mobile/ handphone. didn't give a hoot to it, picked it up and rushed to the other side of the car to assist mum as she hobbled to out from the car up to my apartment (yup, have to guide her no different from the way empress cixi was assisted by eunuchs... except that in my case, i retain my family jewels, haha!) ok, i have digressed. came home and went about doing my chores and it wasn't until bee called me that i realized my phone's glass face had cracked.

arghhhh!!! 

anyway, just send it in to the mobile repair shop this morning... gonna cost me $140 to have the glass face replaced. sighs! but hey, optimistically speaking, i will have a brand new looking phone this evening! you can't wish things away so might as well look at it optimistically! at least i can smile for the positive outcome. right? 

lol!

publicized sex life

it is not a nice thing to be reading about the sex life or indiscretions of a friend being splashed all over the media. and i empathize with this friend of mine.

all things being equal, i seriously think all parties involved deserve some privacies. such news should not be publicised, much less in such a manner. and the questioning by the lawyers reminded me of how i was interrogated by my security office in 2005, except that this was done in court and proceedings made public. i can imagine and the stress this publicity is adding to the already high level of stress all involved parties are experiencing now. and to make it worst, i see people making all sorts of comments about the case, many of which were uncalled for and possibly based on their own assumptions.

i supposed the silver lining of this whole episode is that it brings out to full clarity who is with you and who is against you.

abusive relationship

when in an abusive relationship, walk away. preserve yourself. and remember this, bear no grudge to the person who abuse you. instead, be thankful the lessons of patience and tolerance and a further clarity of what you should not be. and this principle applies to your job too.

and that's what i am doing. 

someone like you

it is not often that i post recent songs in my blog but this is a song that i have listened to since it was released and that i liked very much. it is one of those songs that i believe whose lyrics we all can identify with at some time in our lives. also, it is a song delivered so well by adele that we can simply just listen to it without paying attention to the lyrics and simply enjoy her singing and/ or the tune.  i am posting it here cos somehow, i keep hearing it again and again in the last couple of weeks... be it when i was in my colleagues car, in the radio, when i pass by some public places, and so on... or was it just that i am very sensitive to the somewhat melancholic feel given the possible heightened stress i am feeling due to my impending change in my life? well, whatever... it is a really beautiful song.

my gay-friendly chiropractor

have written about my chiropractor some time back, the one whom i previously thought was gay. well... of late, i have started the programme with him and have been visiting him at least twice a week for the last 2 months. he knows i am very comfortable with him treating me (as in pressing my body) (yes, i told him so), and i must say, he is good! also, he has been very nice to me whenever i visit him and he would ask his secretary to schedule extra time for me and we would chat as he treats me. 

two weeks back, during treatment, he shared that he used to give massages long time back during his uni days. and halfway through the treatment, he said my shoulder was very tensed up and that i should consider getting a massage.  hmm... yes, hmmm, i thought. but of cos, being a shy person (yes, i am shy ok!) i did not ask further. well, what happened after that was, after i went home, i thought for 2 days about it and finally sms-ed and asked him for recommendations for massage services. frankly, i was hoping he would moonlight and offer his services! haha! i was (and i think i still am) such a slut! alas, he didn't offer his services. instead, he referred me to a straight spa, one that offers massages to couples, and that he said he used to visit. he even specifically asked me to pick their deep tissue massage becos of my chronic issue with my shoulder. i thanked him for the recommendation of cos, but well, i did not follow-up. still cannot bring myself to visit a straight spa... 

anyway, during the last couple of visits, he would really hit deep into my shoulder muscles as part of my treatment. and we would do this in the privacy of his office cos i have to take off my shirt for him to apply oil and massage my shoulder. and today, he asked if i had started the deep tissue massage that he recommended. i felt a little embarrassed, as i replied that i had not. and guess what, he suggested that i could perhaps let him do the deep tissue massage for my shoulder as part of my visits to him instead! so nice of him right? 

i am so gonna go back to him more!

resignations

with one more week to go, i was quite unprepared to get what i got this morning. one of my managers, who was sick and was on mc, appeared in my office and tendered her resignation. sighs... frankly, some of my managers have indicated they would leave when i leave, but i did not expect it to happen so fast... yes, the domino effect has started... one more senior manager is actively looking for jobs now, and another manager has gone for interviews... 

one of my heads commented that that is what senior management have to manage after they mismanaged me. but well, let's not see ourselves as indispensable i told him, my experience tells me that all organizations have the abilities to move on regardless of who comes or who goes. no one is indispensable. at most, there will be a slowing down of some developments, but the company will surely not fall because of that.

as for the individual, if you are not happy, just leave. loyalty is an old fashion thing. it is totally passe in today's organization. and i know cos i see loyal people getting the boot all the time, especially in my current company, just because someone up there has some historical misgivings about them.

farewell lunch

my immediate boss bought me farewell lunch today... then again, i am not sure if it was meant to be a farewell lunch cos during lunch, he kept talking about how to bring the unit forward to my heads who were invited at the same time. but it was a good time for me to plant quite a few remarks here and there about how the unit should be shaped moving ahead, and also to make some hints about the difficulties that the unit is facing (as a result of his management). think he got the hints. and hopefully, he could and would be more understanding of my heads in the days ahead.

farewell dinner

my unit bought me dinner this evening. was a good gathering and i was very happy to see, for the first time, almost all attending the dinner. had never have such a good turn out. even those from outside the unit, but had previously worked with me, appeared. very thankful for the support. and was a little overwhelmed by the number of gifts they gave me, gifts that they made, or photos that they framed for me. simple and very meaningful. 

gonna miss my unit when i leave them end next week. but well, as i said at the end of the dinner, you can take a man from the unit, but you cannot take the unit from the man. they will always have a space in my heart. 

gay butcher's partner

had the opportunity to visit the market again yesterday when i sent my mum for a medical follow-up at the clinic. this time round, i made a special effort to take a better look at the team of assistants of zhu rou rong - the gay butcher. i noticed a taller one (as tall or perhaps slightly taller than zhu rou rong) standing on the elevated platform beside zhu rou rong. i suspect he is his partner for he dressed slightly differently from the other assistants. and there was this look and mannerism about him that suggest to me that he is different from the rest of the guys...

and of cos, he is better looking than the rest of the assistants.

:-)

last week @ work

been busy conducting a 2 day course that starts today. kinda weird feeling cos this is the last course that i will be conducting for the company and despite the fact that the class did not meet the minimum class size, my co-ordinating team made special provisions for this course to proceed. they know i enjoy conducting such courses as it energizes me and gives me the opportunity to connect with people from across the company. and during the course, i also sensed a small extend where course participants felt the need to be part of this course. and during the tea breaks, they came up to me and share some of their thoughts about how the company will be losing a significant member come next week. one of them also expressed that quite a number of his peers have not gotten over the fact that i will be leaving them. 

well, sharing this with no intentions to boast, but rather, capturing a moment in my final days with my company and some of the thoughts and words that was expressed. the issue with long tender periods (in my case, 2 months) invariably mean having extended goodbyes and expressions of a sense of lose. been so for the last few weeks. colleagues whom i do not know come up to me to wish me well, to have meals with me, to ask me for advice... been a good few weeks although it can be a little overwhelming in terms of the number of people coming up to me. but of cos, i am more than happy to help and share.

one more week to go.

sport watch gift

this is what my admin staff got for me. found it on my table after my lessons. felt so bad to have them spend money buying me this little parting gift, especially when they do not earn much. what is even more touching for me is that they have also made cards, assembled a photo of me taken together with them, as well as a collage of photos of me and them taken over several different occasions. in addition, the gift bag was also specially made... felt so bad, yet at the same time appreciated. 

gonna miss my admin team when i leave the unit end next week...

sighs.

my gay birthday

quick reflection: 

many of us, gay persons, have 2 birthdays. first, it is the day we were born physically into this world. and the other we were born as a gay person into this world, i.e, our coming out. both are as painful and both are as defining. for me, the first birth was in dec 1966, and the second, aug 1996.

:-)

sex at 40s

this post is dedicated and in response to a blog follower of mine who has been asking me about sex for men in their 40s... and in the post on hitting 40s, i could almost feel his frustrations in his comment. make me feel bad only. ok, ok, so here's some sharing about the 40-plus men and sex. and i must first qualify here ok? this post is meant to educate and not to titillate. and of cos, i do want to qualify here that this is

• not about me although i can attest to some of the experiences (heh heh), 
• not about all men in their 40s (cos i certainly cannot generalize right?) but having said that, i think it should be relatively accurate as a description for men in their 40s who have been able to accept their sexuality and are at peace with it, 
• for some parts, about men who are generally no longer closeted and are comfortable with his sexuality (straight or otherwise) and 
• wherever possible, the writings are to be read from an angle of relativity of one age group vs another age group... 

and if you are still with me after all the boring qualifiers, read on...

firstly, lust is lust & love is love. the men in 40s can better distinguish between lust and love and thus, can separate sex as an extension of love, vs sex as a need/ a basic human instinct. this is so different from a younger person (or a gay men who has just come out) where sex/ lust is usually mistaken and misinterpreted as love. and often, this is very confusing to a person who is coming out and that can cause a lot a lot of heartaches - imagine, one who sees sex as a basic instinct having an ons with another who mistaken sex as love. sounds familiar? so, perhaps that is why gay men in their 40s tend to be more stable vs a younger person who has a higher tendency to fall in love after having sex.

secondly, sex gets sexier. to the men in 40s, with the clarity of what is lust vs love, sex gets sexier to the people he gets himself involved with. that is becos he now do not see sex as merely an momentary act of intense stimulation leading to orgasm. the definition of sex has been expanded from a event to achieve orgasm to that of a holistic experience. sex is a process that involves communications, romance, foreplay, the arousal etc. and this probably are the reasons why some people say men in their 40s (aka mature men) are hot!?

thirdly, sex is sex is sex. that is, in the physical sense, the act of sex is the same, regardless of whether a person is in his 20s or 30s or 40s or for that matter 70s. yup, 70s. it involves the stimulation of the sexual organ aka penis aka cock etc. and with sufficient stimulation comes the orgasm. and of cos, where male orgasm is concerned, it involved the ejaculation of the sperm. the key difference between a younger and older person (20 vs 40 or 40 vs 70) is that the younger person will (1) take faster to orgasm than the older person, (2) the intensity of the orgasm aka the shooting of the ejaculate tend to be stronger in the younger person vs that of the older person, (3) the quality of the sperm decreases with age, and (4) the consistency of the ejaculate is possibly less thick for older men. well, well... see how i can make the paragraph sound so clinical? hahaha... in another words, younger can cum faster and shoot further than the older person.

fourthly, he can still be horny. the younger person generally has a higher and more active hormonal system compared to the older person. as such, the younger person tend to have a higher sex drive compared to the older person. accordingly, in a human life cycle, the hormonal cycle is such that a person's hormonal development peaks in his 20s and starts declining when he enters his 30s. some men experience a stage where his body experience flushes in his 40s, sex drive decreases, sperm production drops, and the body get more lethargic, gains weight, etc. this is the andropause stage, a stage similar to that of a woman's menopause. this is largely due to a decrease in testosterone production. in another words, a person's horniness starts about the time he hits puberty and increases through his life and peaks in his late 20s. after that, his horniness decreases with age... but the key word here is - he is still capable of being horny and can still father a child, even at 70!

and of cos, to your last question, does a person's cock change shape at 40s (or older). let me put it this way, to maintain a functional cock, exercise it well. in another word, anything that is not used will wither. it is the same for any part of a person's body. the brain, the muscles, etc... so, if you want your cock to look and continue to work well, work it out man! and so, to the question on whether the cock size decreases with age, my answer is "no". go read up wikipedia too... and of cos, in this link, you can get loads of pictures of the penis, even picture of a 64 year old one as well as an animated one that shows the arousal process.

ok, i hope i have answered all the questions asked... but of cos, i think i might have made it sound so clinical for many parts of it, you can hardly get a hard on when you read this post... then again as i have stated at the start of my post... my intent of this post is to educate, not titillate.

:-)

hitting 40s

a lady friend of mine celebrated her 40th birthday yesterday. and she felt a little melancholic the day before... she was literally counting down to her last few moments of her 30s. haha! comparatively, for the rest of us in the group, we are all already into our mid-40s (well, of cos, less bee and schneider). and interestingly enough, this morning, she whatsapp-ed us (using the group function) "happy 40s!" and i answered "roar!!!" afterall, 40s is the new young right?

damned, why do i sound like i am so self-consoling. then again, hey, you cannot stop it nor wish it away, so... enjoy it! make the best out of it! age gracefully! there is something age brings that young ones cannot claim to have - experience, wisdom, maturity, ability to take things slow(er) and appreciate life as it unfolds, stopping to smell the flowers... and of cos, a more acute appreciation of life and the people around us. 

:-)

wrong perception

as a gay person, i always get all sorts of comments from my straight friends/ siblings/ relatives that reflect their misperception about single persons. here's some examples...

• you are single, thus you are richer as you have less financial responsibilities. this cannot be more wrong. yes i am single, but hey, becos i am single, i have to single handedly shoulder the full responsibilities of financing my house, my car, my etc... whereas for you married people, you can share the load! damned!
• you are single, your overheads are less, eg your electricity bills are less. err... sorry hor, a house is a house. regardless of whether 1, 2, 3 of more people stay, the electric needed to run a fridge or a lamp, or water heater is the same. also, when it comes to paying bills, singles have to shoulder it single-handedly (just like above).
• you are single, thus it will be easier for you to take care of mum (or dad for that matter). halo! i am single, all the more i need time to socialize! i need time out for myself! comparatively speaking, you married people have families and will therefore be easier to share responsibilities when i comes to looking after the elderly!

three of the most common becos you are single liners. damned. how very wrong you married people are/ can be.

of good sons & cleanliness

over the weekend, mum seemed pretty ok. and interestingly, these 2 days, there were at least 2-3 occasions where people came up to her and said, that one your son is it? good son. first, it happened at east point yesterday when i walked her after dinner. a lady pushing a cart with her dog inside walk alongside us and asked her the question. mum looked at the lady and answered ya ya ya... and mum smiled when she heard the lady mentioned about me being a good son. and this morning, it happened again at the hawker center. we were seated beside a lady in tudung. after i locked the wheelchair wheels and went to get food for her, the tudung lady said the same thing to mum again. mum narrated the incident to me later...

and oh, i forgot to mention. mum wanted to eat you char kueh and i went to the store to get it. but it had ran out of it. tudung lady noted it and was so nice. she offered us her you char kueh instead. so sweet right? well as for me, i took it and thanked her for it. as for mum, interestingly, after tudung lady left, mum asked if the you char kueh is clean. of cos it is, i said, and to prove to her it is so, i ate half of it and pass the other half to her. well, i could actually interpret her clean word in two ways - "clean" as in "spic and span" uncontaminated clean, or "clean" as in "no black magic spells" clean. knowing mum, her mind can go both ways, especially the latter interpretation cos for her generation, there is this constant suspicions against malays as they always believe malays like to dabble in black magic... quite funny actually.

venting

i sometimes ask myself if, being gay, i have to shoulder the full responsibilities of taking care of my elderly parents. and i am asking this not becos i am doing it, but also becos i notice this is happening to many of my friends. and i also see some sort of trend whereby our married siblings have all sorts of excuse about having to take their family factors into considerations and as such have their xyz reasons for not being able to look after our elderly parents. this, of cos, is the selfish side of me talking. ultimately, taking care of my own parent is my responsibilities. but really, when help is needed, i get no support whatsoever from any of my siblings.

for a start, my eldest sis is not on talking terms with me. and all this becos i threatened her when she tried to force convert my dad to christainity on his death-bed. and till today, she continue to hold the grudge against me. as for my second sis, i get all sorts of excuses from her. excuses to not do the simplest of all things, such as giving a call to my mum to talk to her or to ask about her well-being. and even if it is as simple as getting a pack of dinner if i have to work late, she would come to the house super duper late. and my mum would be left hungry. sorry, i am very busy, and that is it, or, my daughters this or my daughters that... you know my issues, i cannot let her come to my house, they will complain she is this or that... ok, ok, ok... no worries. i will take care of everything. no questions asked. no judgment - ok, as for no judgment, i must admit it is not really a case of totally no judgment on my part. i would rather put it as - i have given up on you people! as for my brother... he seemed a little more understanding these days. then again, he will at times throw all sorts of accusations at me for not taking care of my mum well. sighs... perhaps it is becos mum, in her bad state of mind, has been talking all sorts of negative things to him about me. and he will end up threatening me... all too familiar cos that was exactly what he did when i looked after my dad. ironic cos in the first place, he was the one who threw them out of his house and left them with no place but to stay with me.

sighs... ok, i am simply venting. not feeling too good these days. not too sure why. perhaps it is the stress of looking after my mum and the feeling that i have no more time for myself. or perhaps it is due to my impending change of job (although i do not think so), or perhaps i am feeling stressed by bee's trips overseas, which he refused to go into details, or perhaps it is just a combination of everything. ok, i better stop here. have not been sleeping well these couple of nights. had stay almost awake whole of last night wondering why bee did not call back or who was he with. he has never in our 8 years together not been uncontactable for more than 30hours... and i have tried calling him so many times i have lost count. he has just returned and acted like as though nothing has happened.

i feel like vomiting now. damned. i should try to get some sleep.

mind fxxked!

the mind is a dangerous organ. it wonders and conjures up all sorts of very negative possibilities when one is lonely. trying to stay sane but there are just too many things going through in my mind now. frequent last minute overseas trips that crosses weekends, business trips that always involve so many people, phone seemed to always spoil at the "right" time, cannot call through, sms no replies, never take leave... 

ok, my mind is just too active.

gay butcher

bee and i used to have breakfast at the marine terrace hawker center some years back. and after breakfast, we would do our marketing at the adjoining market. and there was this young (ok, in his mid-late 20s) chap who helped his dad sell pork there. and whenever he sees us, he would call out to us in an extra friendly manner. he is what one would describe as a bengish person. quite cute. interesting. bee and i had always suspect he was gay. it was not just becos he paid special attention to us, but rather, his overall mannerism as well as his turn out and dressing. imagine a butcher assistant spotting a pony tail, dons a bandana, wears sleeveless muscle tees, and has a well toned, buffed up body with arms that all gay men yearn for! can almost imagine a fantasy porn clip right? heh heh... his dad passed on about 2 years back and now he owns the store. he is a lot more mature now and spots a neat and short haircut. these days, he wears sleeved t-shirts (usually the body hugging type) and matching berms. very trendy and very unusual for a butcher. otherwise, nothing has changed. he still calls out to people and he still flirts with us whenever we visit the market. of course, we enjoy his attention. and while we suspected his sexuality, we didn't really care nor try to verify it. after all, each of us has our lives to live. but certainly - a gay ah beng butcher, how interesting right? bee and i gave him a nickname. we called him zhu rou rong... or "porky rong", don't ask why the name rong, it just sounded nice and appropriate.

bee and i last visited the market around lunar new year this year and that was the last time we met him. and today, after visiting the clinic with mum, we decided to have our breakfast at the hawker center. as we ate, i noticed quite a few young assistant butchers walking pass my table (towards the smoking area). i didn't care much. these must be the sons of all the other butcher uncles. time flies and a new generation of butchers are in the making, i thought. halfway through breakfast, mum said she wanted to have roast pork for lunch and asked to be wheeled to the roast pork store (which was located behind zhu rou rong's store). and as i walked towards zhu rou rong's store, i realized all the young assistant butchers are his! wohh! meat store indeed (in more than one ways!) and as i approach the store, zhu rou rong saw me and shouted out in cantonese "wa! so long never see you already! where did you go to?" i smiled and replied "been busy, no time". well, cantonese is not a language that i can converse comfortably in and my sentence came out a little off-tone, i thought. but what caught me off-guard was his next reply. a reply that made all the neighbouring aunties turned and looked at him... he shouted out "no time? chey... you got married to someone is it? (har? mou tark harn? chey... lei kar chor yarn ah-marr?)" and he laughed...

well, you cannot really feel the punch of this sentence when written/ translated into english, but in cantonese it sounded really weird. every one just seemed stunned and it was silent for that very short moment. but thankfully, they recovered and aunties simply smiled. i bought the roast pork and wheeled my mum along. that was when zhu rou rong noticed my mum. and from his sudden change in behaviour, tone and facial expression, it was quite clear he felt a little embarrassed with his remark. i just smiled, wished him good bye and continued my marketing. heh heh... my only conclusion from this whole episode is - yes, zhu rou rong is indeed gay.

picture from http://www.cracked.com

national cynicism

recently, the prime minister launched this so called "national conversation" initiative. this initiative was meant to discuss what people would view the country to be like 20 years down so that policies can be shaped and move towards this vision. in theoretical team building lingo, this is what we would term visioning process. and to be successful, it must involve all stakeholders. in the lingo of 7 habits of effective leaders, this is part of habit number 2 "begin with the end in mind". it is about collaborative visioning. such practice is often cited as ideal but very difficult to put into practice because of the enormous amounts of efforts to get the process going.

many academics and researchers have also proved that the value of such a process lie not only in the clarity of the end-state (which is seldom fully realized due to many assumptions made with regards environmental factors) but also, the process itself helps to bring out issues that matters and allow different stakeholders to appreciate and understand the magnitude and complexities of the issues involved. and through this process, some alignment of thoughts and bonds can arise, regardless of individual's stand. in short, the process of the conversation itself is almost as important, if not more important, as the end-state. but the catch is this, in any conversation, there is a need for open mindedness. and i am not sure if all stakeholders can be so. also, there will be people who focus on the everything else other than the issues. these are often the cynics. they are the detractors. they make a lot of noise and always miss the point.

anyway, i was pleasantly surprised when the "national conversation" was announced. it takes balls of steel to do so given that the views of 5 million people would be highly complex. to launch this process, the first engagement was televised. lots of topics was surfaced and noted. and these topics were rather diverse and interesting. it provides the tone of the many conversations that would occur across the nation. it would involve a diverse range of groups that could be politically affiliated or otherwise, sector-centric, at the community-level, grassroot-level, etc. 

and as expected, i see people focusing things like the composition of the first engagement rather than the issues. i see online web-communities bitching about this, about whether the first engagement is a ruling party engagement or a national engagement, etc. initially, i was rather taken aback too. but on reflecting, i realized that it is people that makes the country. and people would have different focus. and some of these focus might miss the issue altogether. and some of these views might distract people from the crux of the matter itself - the issues and the conversation, and most importantly, the process. it is very sad and very disappointing to see my fellow citizens spiral into such state of mind. 

but well, i supposed this is part of the engagement process. we only need to note their presence and then carry on with the engagement.

ps: in the last general election, the government's engagement (or the perceived lack of it) was a huge issue. and now, when there is an effort on the government's part to do so, we get cynics making all sorts of remarks... sighs...

picture from http://sparrowflights.blogspot.sg/2011/07/cynic-ism.html

mc

given 2 days mc. but i doubt i can rest.  mum decided not to go rehab but to stay at home when she knew i was given time to rest... time to go grocery shopping! need to prepare the day's meals...

sick

after days of feeling uncomfortable, the cough and the cold finally hit me bad today. started having phlegm and cough real violently. argh! and it's the same for mum. after 2 weeks of minor cough, her condition turned bad today. sighs. i could have gotten the bug from her... but whatever.... we are both at the clinic now.

picture from http://blog.wikimedia.org/tag/downtime/

extend?

my immediate boss threw me an interesting question yesterday. he asked if i could extend at least a month to help him tide over this "difficult period"... i told him i will think about it. but frankly, in my mind, i was thinking, come on, this so called difficult period was created by you. come on, i purposely planned my departure early oct so that i can avoid the whole month cos i can expect shit to happen, balls to drop, haywire to occur... all becos you had time and again refused to give the go ahead to get resources...

i must be crazy to extend, i thought. i told my staff about this and similarly he laughed. interestingly he added, sir, he is crazy to ask you to extend. if i were you, i would leave on a high (as it is now)... don't give him chance to put the blame on you when things start to fall apart...

and that is exactly what i am gonna do!

dreams

this morning, when i woke up, mum gave me that "look at you from the side of the eye" look. and from her facial expression, i knew something was wrong... i tried to talk to her but she seemed rather unwilling to talk. and when i asked if she had taken her breakfast, she said yes, then she added, i am not hungry. something was really wrong, i thought. and i tried to cajoule her to talk... it was difficult, but in the end, she started her typical swearing by god lines the gods in the heavens knows me, i do not harm people, heaven have eyes... and she continued rattling. 

i spoke calmly with her. yes, of cos heavens have eyes. do tell me what is troubling you. are you angry with something? or are you not happy with me? do you want to eat something? are you feeling ok? and i went on. she continued her unhappy rantings. and then she said what i dreamt of is so true after all... hmmm... ok, dreams again, i thought. and i tried to probe. she opened her mouth but stopped. and she said she cannot tell me. i offered her some food? she refused. i offered her the yam bread that i bought for her yesterday. again she refused. and i suggested throwing it away since she didn't want. and she agreed! (damned!) then she added, throw all the food away. in fact, she asked me to throw away all the food that was on the table and in the kitchen... mooncakes, fruits, etc... kinda freakish cos she is one person who will never ever throw any food away. of cos, in recent months, she had discarded things given by my sister-in-law as she suspected my sister-in-law had cast some spells onto it. she was convinced that eating them would kill her...

anyway, what happened this morning was weird. i decided to give her all the assurance i could and reminded her to take care of herself...  i left for work after that. through the day, i called her several times. she seemed ok. and by the time i got to dinner time, she was almost ok. 

hopefully, she does not dream of anything tonight.

hurray

the team-building well superbly well today. despite my bad throat and runny nose, i managed to keep the workshop going smoothly. the much anticipated confrontation that my boss had expected did not happen, and that his earlier doubts over my ability to manage the workshop were unfounded. on the contrary, it went so well that one of my big bosses came to me and told me to set up a business and he will invest in my business... he said he could see my passion in doing what i did and that he would like to back me up in it.

haha... coming from a big boss who is well known for being hard to please and very harsh, i must say it was a superbly great endorsement. but no, i know myself best. i am not cut up for businesses. a good teacher may not be a good businessman selling teaching business. and so, i think i will continue to do what i do best, train/ educate and... inspire.

:-)

picture from http://medicalschoolblog.com/others/congratulations-you-have-matched

falling sick again

my throat has been working up and it has been feeling somewhat tight over the past couple of days. and today, my nose started getting runny, really really runny. i am not sure if i can last for the next couple of days, but for sure, i have to control and manage things. i have to conduct team-building for my company on tuesday and the last thing is for me to be down on that day...

i may have tendered my resignation and have less than 3 weeks to go before my last day, but i still need to make sure things go smoothly and that i do not drop any of my responsibilities...

think i'll take some puritons and sleep.

monday is coming!

arghhh!

imprisoned

i realized that gradually, i am imprisoned by my mum. i cannot be out of her sights. she would get all worked up when i do so. and when i leave her alone in the house for 2 consecutive days during dinner time, she would go all berserk. and i would have to spend the rest of the day or two managing her and trying to get her back to sanity again... it's very tiring. but as of now, i am kinda getting used to it. then again, i am not sure how this is gonna last. one thing for sure, my relationship and frequency of meeting up with bee had been affected drastically. previously, he would stay over half the week, but now, he cannot even come over. and i cannot get out of the house. and at most, we can only meet each other for 5-10min at the car park when i bring the dog to pee at night. 

how?

picture from http://sambilano.blogspot.sg/2012/08/man-beaten-threatened-to-be-killed-and.html

my bonnie

a song that never fail to bring me back to my primary school days...

"my bonnie lies over the ocean" is a traditional scottish folk song that was widely taught to primary school children in the 70s and 80s locally. The word "bonnie" is a scots term for attractive and can refer to either an attractive boy or girl (ie bonnie lad, or bonnie lass). it probably comes from "baine" which is gaelic for "milk." it'd refer to fair skin. here's a more solemn version... then again, listening to this version somehow reminds me of pet shop boys, their song "go west" perhaps. and from that angle, this version of my bonnie sounds a little gay to me.... lol!

whew

the day wore on... and she continued her nonsense and depressed state. and thankfully, by early evening, she began to open up a little. and by dinner time, she was ok enough to join in for dinner. and this was surprising cos she had never ever taken any food from my brother's household since she walked out of it last june. well, i supposed my brother's daughter cheered her up a bit... and the fact that we all stayed at home and did not go out gave her the confidence that we were not ill-treating her...

and after dinner, she decided to head home with me.

she is asleep now.

blocked

this is what i wrote in my facebook update...

"in the coming days, i will be blocking some of you in fb for consistently posting things that are cynical. either i block you or i get depressed with your negativity. if you find yourself being blocked, i do not apologize, and please do not take it personal. if you want to like this comment, this is your last chance before i block you... :-) "

for my own sanity.

no apologies.

again...

well, my mum is at it again. for whatever reasons, i woke up today and she gave me a very unhappy look and insisted she did not want breakfast. and them she went to pack her stuff and said she wanted to visit my brother. said she'll take a cab herself. took me a while to convince her to have me drive her there. and at my brother's place, again, she refused food and said she had prayed to god and that she is now on full day vegetarian diet. and she added that she wants to stay in the temple and that she has had a bad life and people around her are ill-treating her... 

well, you get the idea. let's see what happens later. hopefully, she can calm down and go home. else, it's gonna be an interesting day...

pandas

i love pandas!

i was so happy when they announced that we would be getting 2 of them here sometime back and even joined in the contest to name them. but the wait was long and the novelty wore off. but on the built up to the 6 sep, i started to feel really excited again. finally! when they touched down on sep 6, i found myself watching the live streaming of the plane landing with kai kai and jia jia inside. felt so good. felt so proud. rather overwhelmed in fact. overwhelmed for the fact that as a small little red dot, we have punched above our weight internationally to be able to have our own pandas (on loan regardless due to endangered status of the pandas that prevents china from giving away pandas), and can hold ourselves up high as we stand alongside the red giant.

well, on a lighter side, i have always been well-known for my eye bags. in fact, my staff have gotten so used to it that it had become my trademark. the size of my eye bags can be described as big, bigger or biggest, depending on how stress i get! lol... and at one time when i joked about removing my eye bags (actually i was quite serious 'cept that they did not know about it!), one staff told me, sir, don't, don't. you actually look quite cute with your eye bags... damned! coming from a straight guy, i was sure his judgment was all screwed. and recently, i told them - aiyoh, we spend a million for each panda for 10 years, quite expensive... why not just have me, xin xin (my chinese name), singapore's very own panda, foc. then again, better not. certainly not keen to have myself being put through some breeding program... 

heh heh...

ps: and oh, just realized tomorrow is kai kai's birthday! happy birthday kai kai aka onion head (pic above)!

first picture from straitstimes online
second picture from http://www.capitalandinside.com/index.php/panda-journey/1167-panda-ring-to-special-needs
third picture from river safari facebook page http://www.facebook.com/wrs.sg

the kitten

i read the post by aiden about a little kitten and how he couldn't find it after leaving it for a while. and i decided to write a comment about the kitten being possibly devoured by some cruel cats... heh heh... and as to be expected, it upset aiden... he is such a compassionate soul with such tender and loving heart for cute young things (men included!) haha... anyway, he sent me some smses this morning and asked why i was so mean... heh heh... 

but oh, the reason why i blog this entry is becos this whole episode about kittens reminded me of one regretful incident back in 1993 (or 1994?)... anyway, this was what happened. at that time, i was posted to bukit gombak and i would go for runs almost every evening. it also happened that one of my colleague, who was a commando, also loved to run and would join me for my runs. and this friend, just like all commandos i know, was a little salah in his head...

one evening, we decided to run at east coast park. and to avoid having to u-turn and run back the same track, what we planned was for me to park my car at one end of east coast, and we would then jump onto his car and he would drive all the way to the other end of east coast. this was with the intention to then run back to my car and that i would drive us both back to his car (make sense?)... don't ask me why, but that was how crazy we were about running... anyway, that was what we did. 

by the time i parked my car and he started driving, it was already 7-plus... the sky was getting dark. and as he drove, we talked and laughed. and to get to the other end of east coast park fast, he decided to take the east coast parkway (expressway) and exited at marine parade road. as he exit (at a speed of about 80-90km/hr), a kitten dashed out of the bushes onto the road. and once it dashed, it turned its head and saw our car coming, our headlights shining right into its eyes. and it froze right there in the middle of the road. the kitten was so small, but for that moment, its wide eyes and slit pupil was all i saw. and in the split second, the whole world came to a stand still. all sounds disappeared. it was just pure silence. and next thing i knew, the kitten's face disappear and i heard a cr-r-r-r-ack sound... 

my friend ran over the kitten. 

it was crushed under the wheels of the car... i was totally horrified. slowly, i came to my senses and my friend's chatter and laughter came back into focus. i asked if he realized what he just did... and jokingly, he said he did and that the kitten had dirtied his car... what the... it took me a while to recover. but that face of the kitten before it was crushed haunted me for quite a while... and frankly till this day, i still remembered that look of fear.

"to the resident"

i don't know why people bother to do this... but whenever i receive any letters in my letter box addressed to "the resident", i throw it away. to me, everyone named "the resident" lives in the dustbin and since it is addressed to "the resident", the letter must have been mistakenly send to me!

jeeee...