gods of egypt

i watched this show on the day sapphie died. i didn't know what to do after having spend a day in my bed dazed. and it was with this very negative mindset that i walked into the cinema.

the show didn't impress me. while the animation/ cgi effects where great, the storyline was weak, the acting poor and the whole show felt kinda weird. imagine having the sun god ra living on a spaceship, wielding a spear to kill that mythical creature, having gods live amongst men, where gods where larger sized compared to men (proportionally, it didn't do well for me), where women oogle at the gods (and for a short moment, i wonder how the human women would survived if she were to copulate with the god considering, from her humanly perspective, his family jewel would be so terribly thick and long).

nonetheless, the show did provide me with the momentary respite from the highly charged and emotional state i was in that day.

zootopia

against the current backdrop of the world and the isis threat, i thought this show had successfully brought across the message of threats within and amongst us. where the line between good and the bad was blurred. this show was full of opposites. big vs small, black and white, fast vs slow, good vs bad, perception vs real... and i supposed it was precisely because of this that made this show so very very enjoyable.

the good eventually wins.

as always.

kung fu panda 3

watched this show with bee when i returned from guangzhou. loved the show. for the storyline, i thought it fitted well with the previous two parts. i also sensed an oblique reference to gay parentage and inclusiveness, such as how the panda had 2 fathers, etc. or was i just being too sensitive? whatever... being a traditional person, i absolutely love the way the show treated the concepts qi, the flow and energies. it was nicely done. the only one thing that i didn't quite like was the way it portrayed and incorporated modernity (and the americanization of the chinese culture) in areas such as the incorporation of hip hop dance, and the frivolity in which the whole concept of tao was portrayed at times (such as how the dragon did a hip hop dance)...

but putting all these aside, it was a wonderfully entertaining movie.

aimless rants

am gonna do some catching up here with some aimless rants...

• march is a the last month before the financial year closes. and unlike previous years, the top management decided that we should all clear our current year leave before month-end, or have all the remaining leave forfeited. as a result, i have a total of 7 days leave to clear this month. well, lots of leave but no plans per se, especially when i have so much work to clear. interestingly, up till mum's passing, i had used up all the leave for her medical appointments. and once she passed way, i was able to accumulate a few days. had wanted to clear them in apr/ may when the schedule would be a little less pack. but things were not to be. 

• bee had not been able to take leave for a holiday with me for quite a few years. and this had frustrated me for many years. to make things worst, he would leave for bangkok and what have you for his work trips that include short breaks with his office people. this made me unhappy to the point where we almost broke off. and last year, when we finally could identify a 3-4 day period for a break, he was activated for work a week before the trip. in the end, we did not head off for any break.

• this year, the same thing happened, bee and i had agreed to take a break together as i had to clear my leave before month-end. and then a week before that, he received notice that he had to attend in-camp-training/ reservist. the dates of his reservist coincided with my leave period. i was naturally not too pleased with this development. i decided to go ahead with my leave.

• so my leave leave was hastily planned. i only booked the trip the night before the departure. i didn't want to head to any place new without him and there was no specific place i could go to. in the end, i decided to head to hong kong. 

• i am a lazy holiday planner. an easily contented person, it would also be fine for me to just laze in my room. being able to arrive at a new environment and observe people go about their daily life was all i look forward to when i go overseas. there was no need to go to those touristy place etc. and that was what i did when i was in hong kong. the fact that sapphie passed away during my trip didn't add to the mood. i ended up clearing my work, managing her passing, and just moving around town and observing people. that was my break. that was my week in hong kong.

bitter sweet... 

:-)

sapphie & the lives she touched

it was interesting how everyone reacted with shocked when i shared with them about sapphie's passing. comments such as omgosh, what??!!!, etc were common. and almost immediately after that, my family, close friends and neighbours began to talk about how they adored her, and their encounters with her, and so on. for that matter, bee's mum cried when she watched the video of sapphie's cremation! it was something kinda unexpected frankly. but to get such reactions reflect how much sapphie managed to touch the lives of the people she interacted with. that was my sapphie. good tempered, and adored by many, if not all. up to her very last day. for that matter, she even made my nephew cry.

above all, she was the only family member that was with me through the thick and thins of my life over the last 15-over years. she was with me during my happy and not-so-happy days with james, as well as the eventual break-up. she was with me when bee and i build our relationship, our ups and downs, and she was there throughout the period when i had to look after my parents, both of whom had passed away. she was there as i served my final years in the military and transited into a corporate person. she had seen me at my best, and my worst. and throughout all these times, she stayed with me. she had her moments when she was disobedient and i would scold (and at times slap her thighs). but she stayed with me, always non-judgemental (then again, she didn't have a choice, did she... heh).

i came home to a empty house after 5 days away. the first thing that caught my eyes was a huge blue urn sitting on my dining table. i took a look at her bones. they looked like chicken wings (frankly) and i was kinda surprised there was so much of it. there was this feeling of intense sadness as i looked at it, and as i noted her dog pellets still found on the floor (she's a messy eater) as well as the huge amount of fur that she shed daily. she's no more alive i reminded myself. i didn't want any of my grieve to control me as i started to throw away her remaining dog food, swept the floor, discarded her medication, and her shampoo etc. oh, as i discarded her shampoo, i noted it was near empty, i had just given her a good shower the day before she died. i took a sniff, and i was reminded of her... i couldn't sleep last night. the house was too quiet. there was no sounds of dog nails hitting the parquet flooring in my bedroom, there was no occasional noise that she'd make whenever she dreams (of dog dreams). 

i will miss her. i already did.

james, and the passing of sapphie

sapphie wouldn't have joined the family had james not wanted a pet. and since a friend's dog had given birth to 8 puppies, we decided to bring one home. and that was how sapphie joined the family. so, technically, sapphie was james' dog. for that matter, when we first registered her name with the vet, she took on james' surname. her records was changed eventually to reflect my surname. after james and i went our ways, he continued to visit her and brought her out regularly, an arrangements not different from divorced couples. the last time he walked her was during my mum's wake, 17 nov 2015, to be exact.

when i got news of sapphie's condition, i texted him immediately. he was concerned and he wanted to be at the vet when i said my sis-in-law planned to bring her for consultation. he knew the vet, he said. but that was not to be. sapphie passed away that night. i was not sure how he reacted when he got the news, but i suspected he felt the loss. i mentioned that i would be cremating the dog. and before i could tell him that i wanted not to collect back the ashes, he asked if i could bring back the ashes and scatter it at the east coast beach where sapphie frequently swam at. i was pleasantly surprised by his suggestion as it reflected his closeness to sapphie. he couldn't attend the cremation as he had lessons and i didn't expect him to. and i made sure i kept him updated throughout the period with pictures and texts. he was, after all, the one who made all these possible. 

the passing of sapphie, in a huge way, also represented the finality of our relationship. then again, we'll always be friends.

she's home, in an urn

bee collected sapphie's ashes that very afternoon and brought it back to my place. this was the one and only home she knew.

she's had a good life.

sapphie's cremation

bee wanted to handle the cremation arrangements but i told him to let my sis-in-law oversee it. sapphie died at their place after all, and it would be much easier for the undertaker to liaise with the owner of the place. but he managed to attend the cremation. i was a little worried about how things would pan out when he meets my brother and sis-in-law as my brother had all the while been rather anti-him, after hearing all the negative things about him from my mum (which was untrue and a result of her dementia when she was alive).

anyway, he arrived early and the pet undertakers had prepared her for the cremation. they had brought out the body from the fridge and allowed it to thaw. she was laid on a metal table and covered with a while piece of cloth. the undertakers passed him some flower to place on sapphie before the cremation and allowed him some private time with her. soon enough my brother and sis-in-law arrived. i understood that they spoke with bee and my brother spoke at length to the dead dog, go and find gong gong and mama (my parents), he urged. that was typically how my brother manage his grieve, he did the same for my dad and my mum, talking to them like as though they were still alive and (in my perspective) make himself and the people around him more sad. but that worked for him.

at 10am, the body was pushed in for the cremation proper. my brother played the buddhist sutra as the body was pushed in and she was finally cremated. it was a dignified process, i must say. and from afar, i was consoled by the way the cremation was managed. she's had a long good life. the undertaker mentioned that for her breed (mongrel), the usual lifespan was about 12 years. for her, she was 15 years, 4 months and 19 days when she passed away.

miserable holiday

as i update my family and close friends about sapphie's passing, manage my niece and nephew, and at the same time oversee the cremation arrangements, i was grieving. 

there was absolutely nothing i could do as i was in hong kong. the weather didn't co-operate too as it kept raining. as a result, i was cooped in my hotel room most of the time, apart from meal times. the thing is, once i get alone, i would look at the photos and i end up crying. and that was what happened over the 2 to 3 days of sapphie's passing. and i grieved as i give instructions over how the arrangements for the cremation should be done, and kept watch as it happened.

frankly, i felt rather dazed over the few days and was in no mood nor presence of mind to do anything. for mealtimes, i ended up walking around aimlessly at shopping centers, looking for a quick lunch but most importantly, for free wifi so that i could log in to my mobile and catch up with what's happening back home; and at the same time, do some work (which continued to pile even though i was overseas, supposedly on holiday).

it certainly wasn't too glam to cry and tear in public. but that was what happened. thinking back, it was kinda depressing. hahaha... almost like a movie.

managing my niece & nephew

as all the arrangements for sapphie's demise were being made, i kept watch over my niece and nephew. i asked my sis-in-law about their reactions. i wanted to know how they were coping with the dog's death.

for my niece, she has all along been a little afraid of dogs and despite being able to play with sapphie, she kept her distance somewhat. similar to how she reacted when my mum passed away, my niece stayed away from the dead body. as for my nephew, he was rather attached to the dog. the last time sapphie stayed over for a fortnight, he would walk her (together with my maid) and he would feed her and played with her. it was funny to see how sapphie responded so positively to him too as she'd let him pull her fur, led her around her house (although at times, it looked like sapphie was leading him instead), and climbed all over her. he cried for a long time when i brought her home. he was elated to have sapphie stayed over again this time, except that it was a short stay. he did not react too well when sapphie died and cried. i was a little surprised by this reaction as he did not respond similarly when my mum died just 4 months ago. i had rationalised back then that he was too young to know what was happening. but this time round, i sensed he understood better what death meant and had felt the loss. he eventually came around and could tell me that the dog had died. he added he was not afraid of the dead body. and as usual, to help him manage this passing, i explained to him about life and death and that sapphie had lived to a ripe of age. and the same as human, it was her time to go. he listened and kept quiet.

i thought they took the whole passing well.

pet undertaker

gave my sis-in-law the number to call. they came at about 11am that very morning and brought her to the pet mortuary. she was placed in a bag and transferred to a box before she was finally taken away. the cremation would be done the next day 10am. 

sapphie's deaf

this is a belated post. had saved an empty entry with the title in my draft and planned to write this some time this week. didn't expect her to leave. anyway...

sapphie has had a history of ear infections since her ears drooped some 4-5 years back. i had been clearing the dirt and mucus almost fortnightly since then. she really hated ear cleaning as i would flush her ear canal with medicated ear cleanser and she would run away whenever she saw me with the ear cleanser. i had to corner her and hold her down before she would give in to me. cleaning her ears fortnightly became a routine since then. her hearing began deteriorating very quickly over the last 3 months. and she’d yelp when i cleaned her ears. subsequently, i didn’t insist on cleaning it anymore when i noted her increased weakness by the days. and increasingly, she became less responsive to my calls. recently, when i returned home from work, i'd often see her standing and staring blankly into the walkway that leads to my room. she didn’t even know i’d return home when i opened the door. she seemed to be in a world of her own. i needed to shout out her name before she turned her head. that was when i concluded she’s almost deaf.

i did some internet search on caring for deaf dogs and learned of the need to be extra careful in guiding them and to increase the use of visuals rather than voice commands. i began to make changes to the way i communicate with her. i had to make conscious efforts to wave my hands to signal her to, say, follow me, or to allow me to carry her, etc. and she responded nicely. carrying her around also became somewhat a routine for me these days too as i noted she’s rather weak. at times, she’d even not respond to my tugging of the leash, choosing to just stand there and stare at me. when that happened, i’d just squat down beside her and extend my arm out in front of her. she’d happily raise her front left leg and rest it onto my arm and do a little hop, as i used my other hand to support her back as i scoop her up.

that was how i cared for her in recent weeks. and that was also clear signals to me that her end was near.

passing of sapphie

sapphie left this world when i was overseas.

you see, i had to clear my leave before end-mar and decided to head out of country. i left for hong kong on monday morning. i brought her to my brother's place on sunday afternoon as per the usual arrangements when i head overseas. when i left her that evening, my niece and nephew were excitedly giving her a plate of her favorite snack - cut apples. i didn't expect that that would be the last i'd see of her physically.

i arrived in hong kong about 11am and was in the train to my hotel when i noted i had a few missed calls from my sis-in-law and maid. "come, come! come quick! sapphie is really sick, she vomited all the apples we gave yesterday and couldn't really walk this morning", my sis-in-law said, not knowing that i was already in hong kong. it was the first time that i get such panicky response from my sis-in-law. i couldn't do much but to give her instructions to let sapphie rest, and to remove food from her and observe her. starving her when she vomits has always been the routine. but to be safe, i gave her the vet's number and address and told her to bring sapphie to the vet if her condition did not improve. feeling uneasy, i also texted her the number to call in case she dies. i had it prepared since 2 months back when i sensed her getting weaker by the day.

called back a while later after i checked into the hotel and was told she's resting and seemed ok. told them to continue observing her and update me again. no food for her for now, i reiterated. water is fine, i added. in the evening, i was told she's ok and still resting. she could get up and walk a bit but otherwise was very weak. it was a relief to know she could get up. was told she doesn't and hasn't eaten nor drank anything since afternoon. no food was ok as i didn't want her to eat as she had vomited, but not drinking didn't sound right, considering her recent increased water intake. please bring her to the vet the next day if she continues this way, i requested. and as it was her pee time, i ask that my maid carry her down to pee. i got to take a look at her resting through a video call at about 9-plus pm. her body was in a very relaxed state, her eyes closed and she didn't seemed aware of the happenings around her. my maid called out to her although i knew it was of no use. she's almost deaf. that was the last time i saw her.

when i woke up the next day at 6am, there were 2 missed calls and 2 messages. The first message read:

狗    死了😥 (the dog has died) 

the message was sent at 2:38am. the second, at 3-plus, was a photo...

rip sapphie

sapphie passed away this morning at about 2am...

喜大叔, uncle lovers

during bee's visit, he commented that there were gay men everywhere we went, especially in the tianhe district. and i was like - ???. well, i must admit i was rather blind to gay men and that my gaydar was not working very well. almost all the men i saw around me were simply men! i couldn't sense any gayness in anyone at all! hahaha...

so after he left i downloaded a chinese gay app - the equivalent to jackd or grindr outside china. and since i was away from singapore, i decided to place my picture and my stats. and next thing i knew, i was bombarded almost non-stop with messages from people across china - gay chinese. wow wow wow! hahaha...

and one interesting observation i made was - there were many many who liked mature men! and guess what? they describe themselves as people who "喜欢大叔", or, in short, "喜大叔". loosely translated, it means "love uncles". i thought it was rather funny. they refer to mature men as "uncles". i supposed it is equivalent to "daddies" in the american context. but i played along when i realized the local reference to mature man was "uncle" and i introduced myself accordingly when asked. heh! when in rome, do what the romans do. and in this case, when in china, speak like a chinese (gay man). hahaha. and i am proud to say, i can text in chinese rather well now, after texting and replying these people who "喜大叔".

;-)

bee visit

bee visited me over the weekend in china and he had the first hand experience with the local transport system and the crowd there. think it was an eye-opener for him - the pushing, the talking loudly, the running between metro platforms, etc...

anyway, during the short day and a half visit, we managed to view some major tourist attractions - canton tower, the guangzhou river mouth, the tian he shopping belt, chan clan ancestor hall, etc. and of cos, a trip to the lotus mountain (lianhua san) where we toured around the temple and its surrounding areas. also had the chance to bring him to enjoy some of the local food, and not forgetting, the dim sum (which they are famous for).

thought it was a good short getaway for him.

china's weather

i didn't expect the weather to be so erratic during my visit to china.

in the first few days were good the temperature hovered around 20-23 degrees celsius. it was very nice and cooling, and we were able to walk around comfortably most of the day. but by the second week, china experienced a cold spell and suddenly overnight, the temperature dropped to about 10 degrees celsius. on one particular night, it even went down to 7 degrees celsius! it was superbly cold. and to make things worst, it rained too. it was a little uncomfortable especially when it got windy. thankfully, i was prepared for the cold this time round, after having experienced hong kong just a month back. and it helped tremendously that i worked in the comforts of my hotel room, and where i had turned on the heater switched on. i got acclimatised very quickly after the first few days.

but in no time, i had to return to the sweltering heat back home.

i kinda miss the weather now. haha...

my china work trip

it was one helluva 2 weeks in china.

my colleagues and i looked rather down when we boarded the plane. it was gonna be two long week away from home and we expected time to really pass very slowly. i personally was not a huge fan of china. but i had to go. it was a duty call after all.

and the first few days were spend walking like no tomorrow. there were so many things to buy, so many permits to apply, so many things to sign... of cos, it was a team effort and most of these were done by my colleagues as i tagged along and kept an overwatch, co-ordinating as we moved along. i was totally dead beat by the end of each evening and my feet hurt terribly. but it was an eye opener. learned many things, ate even more and wohhh... the food, it was really good and we were stuffed.

after the first few days passed, and when the office was set up was finally done, it was down to routine work. i had to also conduct training when i was there and had to spend time developing the materials, and as all these were happening, i was bombarded with emails from office back home. so... and as usual, i might be overseas physically but had to work doubly hard. and it didn't help much that i had a staff who had no guts to deal with things and people and often had to email me to ask for advice/ assistance to approach/ explain to people. for the second week, i chose to work from my apartment so that i could focus on developing my training materials. many nights, i had to work till past midnight but things went well. the training for my china vendor went smoothly and it was superbly well-received. thank goodness. whew!

the thing about heading outstation is this - the work tend to be doubly heavy, and the hours are long, by virtue of the fact that when i have nothing much to do in the hotel, i'd log on into my email and work. despite this, i didn't feel too much pressure. my boss was thousands of miles away and because of that, i felt very relax. i could work at my own pace and in my own time and i was, in my opinion, a lot more productive that i was back home.

by the end of the second week, i had some mixed feelings about coming home. i had gotten used to the place and the pace. but i had to... and with that, i packed my luggages and returned on the 12 mar 2016. i actually look forward to going back there again.

:-)

i am back!

i am back blogging! but i think i might have lost my momentum...

had been in china working and i could not access blogger there. and i do not fancy sending blog entries via emails cos i do not get to see the formatting and make amendments if there are any mistakes. so... anyway, i will have to catch up with updating this blog over the next couple of days.

it's good to be back.

haha!

training week

i broke all records this week. at work, that is.

this is the first time in my current employment that i had to do training 5 days straight. and that means lots of work got undone, or i needed to do it after work hours. it ended up being a superbly tiring week for me. and due to the non-stop standing, i ended up with backaches. am glad the weekend allowed me the space to catch up with my work and for my body to recuperate. a quick visit to my chiro also helped relieved my backache.

:-)

punctured tyre

it was interesting that lots of my neighbours noted i had a flat tyre.

you see, one of my tyre went flat early this week (monday if i recall it right). what a time to get a puncture. my week would be superbly busy and i wouldn't have time to get it corrected until weekend. and so, i left it as it was...

and on tuesday, bee asked me about it. the security guard had noted it and asked him to tell me (darned! these people are observant, and they are good! they even know who lives in what unit and who visits who). 

and on wednesday, as i sat at the lobby waiting for bee to pick me up for dinner, a second floor neighbour saw me and he told me about my flat tyre. kinda interesting cos this neighbour had never spoken to me in all the years he had lived in my condo. i thanked him.

and then on thursday, my neighbour saw me and told me about it. and not only that, he even placed a hand-written note on the windscreen to tell me about it! hmmm, that was very thoughtful of him right? and that night, a teenager girl whom i couldn't recognise ran passed me as i was walking sapphie. and then, she ran back and told me "hey, did my mum tell you your car has a flat tyre?"... haha. that does it. i quickly replaced the flat tyre with my spare tyre. 

i had since patched the puncture. a simple flat tyre, but it certainly got everyone noticing and informing me about it! how nice right?

:-)

deadpool

watched deadpool last night with bee. it doesn't get any more politically incorrect. but i thought it was tastefully done. quite funny. but amidst all the funny bits, there was a sad story. seemed like most avenger characters has some kinda sad past. but for deadpool, one thing that i thought interesting was the fact that his body cells (including his brain) is constantly changing. as such, he is rather unpredictable in all sense. read that we can expect a sequel where he has a boyfriend. really? and darned, i understood that the singapore version is heavily censored and that there were even scenes where his privates was shown! now, what have i missed!

nonetheless, it was a good show. a little bloody for me, but the nude scenes more than made up for it.

;-)

old dog

sapphie is getting more and more stubborn these days. she protests little things, refuses to obey commands, and walks away when she sees me hold things like shavers, scissors, nail clippers, etc. it can get rather frustrating. increasingly, and for some unknown reasons, she is also showing some new habits - like going to the toilet to lick the floor, drinking water from the toilet bowl, staring blankly into space, and so on. is that what old dogs do.

i also find myself being tied down to her - need to observe specific routines and rushing home from work to bring her down to pee, cutting short trips or not going out in order to look after her. it seemed like looking after mum all over again. admittedly, at times i do put the blame on james for wanting to have her, and to have to inherit and to look after her by myself. but of cos, i do remind myself that i also need to think about the positive experiences that i had had with sapphie. well, in any case, it wouldn't be long before she passes on anyway. she's 16 this year - too old for a dog.

"my smile is free"

in my flight home from hong kong recently, there was this elderly hk gentleman. it was his first trip on a budget airline and he was enquiring on the price of the food items in the menu. and every item that he pointed, the cabin crew patiently explained the details and the cost to him. and he asked, in a heavily hong kong accented voice, and sounding a little surprised: "waaaaahhhhh... how cum air-very-thing must pay one?"

the cabin crew, in as patient a tone, and with a little cheekiness, replied: "oh yes sir, everything inside here must pay, but if you want something free, well... my smile is free" and he broke into this broad smile, complete with a set of beautiful white teeth.

it was quite funny actually.

:-)

germs & f

my friends returned to sg this week and i had a good chance to catch up with them over dinner and coffee. was a short meet up. nonetheless, it was good to see them again. and one thing i do realise, we are all aging faster than what we used to. i supposed once we enter our late-40's, the external appearance begin to deteriorate faster than before.

of cos, what we lose physically, i am sure we gain elsewhere - like we are more mature and (perhaps) more charismatic. self-consolation?

haha...

impending work trip

my boss wanted me to head to china for 2 weeks early march. it is to settle a staff into the country. its the company's first time sending someone there and thus i must go there to settle the new staff in, help to set up the office, and at the same time recruit people to help this staff. and whilst i was there, i should visit our vendors to introduce them to this new staff, and at the same time, conduct training for them. sounds easy right?

thing is - i have just inherited this task of liaising with the local vendors from my colleague just because "i know a little bit of the language". other than that, i don't know the local vendors, i know nuts about the local authority's procedures, i have my own language limitations and to top it all off, i was told to just go there and do service training at very short notice. and this training bit was thrown in last minute to further justify the need for me to be there. but of cos, i could sense from my boss's perspective that my presence there is to help the department score political brownie points in being proactive in helping to set up the office). seen from that perspective, i am nothing more than a pawn.

but on the bright side, it sounds like a good time to learn more about the system there and, more importantly, have a break from people in singapore. 

hahaha...

restful trips

was in hong kong over the new year period. was a good restful trip. lots of eating and lots of walking.  and things there were not cheap. a simple bowl of noodle cost hk$35, or roughly about s$7, or twice the price of what would have cost me in sg. similarly, a 1-2 station trip on the mtr cost me about hk$10 or s$2 - would have cost me about s$1 in sg. for the 2 day trip, i spend almost s$400, excluding airfare. darned expensive right? but i welcome the cold temperature. a good break must be one that provides me with a totally different feel from singapore, and that includes the weather. all things equal, i was glad i made that trip. it provided me a quick time away from everything local. looking ahead, i will probably make more of such weekend getaways to nearby locations. and i better do it while i still am at my current company. once i leave, i will no longer enjoy discounted airfares.

:-)

work politicking

i sense myself being positioned to fail very soon.

lotsa stuff happening at work - stuff that the company has never done before and i have been pushed to do it. if it is developmental stuff, it is ok and are opportunities to shine, but these are administrative things that are dependent on foreign country's regulations that no one is any wiser... and i have been given very tight deadline to do it. couple of that, there are quite a few other pressing issues at hand locally and are being pushed to me too. things that cannot be solved. all these on top of the many other routine things that i have to handle that are also pressing. and it will get terribly challenging to have to also try to handle these things when i head overseas. and if anything happens, my neck will be on the chopping board. 

let's see how things go. will do what i can and leave the rest to providence.

hong kong

it's really cold here at the tian tan buddha. was shivering as i took the 5.7km cable car here from tung chung. had to buy an extra jacket to wear over my jacket, t-shirt and singlet once i arrived at the ngong ping village! but it's worth the efforts. it's good to be back here to give thanks to the buddha at the temple and to pray for health and a smooth sailing career. 

good short getaway.

deleted my profile

i deleted my facebook profile last week.

was addicted to it once. and to control myself and get rid of the addiction, i deleted my profile once. i got back to it again after some months and used it as a transit to capture my reflections before i transfer it here (to my blog). after some time, this habit too stopped and i used it to read people's posts whenever i feel like it. have not used it since i posted my mum's photo after her demise. and finally, decided enough is enough. no more need for it. facebook had created so much unhappiness for me. so, no more facebook for me. some things are better left unknown. life would be much more peaceful if i close my eyes. it is easier to live a life of ignorance. 

ignorance is bliss.

upcoming lunar new year

this year's lunar new year will fall on 8 feb, the monday after this coming week. it will be the first lunar new year without mum and i am in the mood to avoid people and celebrations. and as of today, i am still contemplating leaving country for the holidays. 

on one hand, leaving country would provide me with a much needed change in environment, and where i can take my mind off the celebrations where mum is no longer around. i dread the thought of walking into an empty living room on first day of the new year. washing up and getting myself presentable before walking out of my room to pay respects to my mum and wishing her good health on first day of the new year has been the norm since i was a kid. umur panjang panjang (wishing you long life" in malay), i would say after the usual "mother, happy new year, xin chia tua tharn ("prosperous new year" in hokkien)...

and apart from having a different environment, it will also provide me with a short break away from work. been a long while since i had taken a real break. but on the other hand, i don't really fancy having to spend money on such trips. i will be traveling alone, and i foresee myself being cooped up in the hotel room (yes, i am a lazy traveller). not much things interests me these days. and the few places that i can fly to cheaply (that include taiwan, and hong kong) will be superbly crowded due to chinese tourists and locals on extended holidays. hmmm... 

i think too much for my own good.

lol...

weekly ramblings about work...

this has been one helluva busy week - at work, that is. work seemed to pile up non-stop and my boss just kept it coming and coming. had quite a few sleepless nights but thankfully, the week ended with no major fumbles. here's a run down of my previous work week...

• it started with me having to conduct some orientation briefings for new staffs and as my ceo had to make the quarter announcement, a town hall session was hastily organised and all my briefing plans had to be adjusted. i felt a little disturbed when i heard my ceo said to my boss in much angry and unhappy tones, in front of the company. it went something like "what the hell, why did he have to do orientation briefing when we have a town hall..." when we (me and the group of 3 new staffs) walked into the room. and we were not even late. not a good start to the week. negative experience.

• successfully organised a lunch for the board chairman, senior management and the newly elected members of the union. everyone, particularly the management, was anxious about it and everyone had their views about how things should be done. simply had to change and adjust things as it unfolded. after all, this lunch was for senior people and one can never be too careful about protocols. was glad it went well. and yes, the lunch was one thing, it was another thing altogether with the administrative follow-ups... and guess what, my chairman's driver didn't know the way to the lunch location and my ceo faulted me for not providing a map to the driver (duh! the lunch location was given to the chairman's office weeks in advance and as a driver, would it not be his responsibility to find out? further to that, the lunch location was not some out of the world place. and doesn't the chairman's car even have a gps for that matter?). this feedback just added to the negative experience in the morning (see above). then again, it was a lesson learned for me. 

• amidst the crazy pace and many ad hoc demands, there were also the non-stop interviews that i needed to conduct. in all, i did close to 5-6 interviews during the whole week. it was one after another, and it was rather challenging to have to sit down and rattle corporate stories and ask probing questions non-stop. but that was what i did. it didn't help for the fact that when i talk a little more, my throat would go into spasms and i would cough like crazy. somehow, when i first took over the business partnering role, interviews and managing line managers were rather challenging. it continues to be so today, but compared to other things i am currently handling, challenges related to interviews and handling line managers seemed so easy.

• and then there're the challenges of all the tasks that needed to be done to hire new staffs and set up an overseas office. first time we are doing it and there was absolutely no previous examples to follow. and everyone was in a rush to get it done and as i was the only person working on it. the challenge was made worst by the fact that overseas government procedures were complicated and it was in a different language that i was not too proficient in. doh! had to work late almost every day and even had to return to work on saturday, just to get the documents done. the positive side to things was that it was pretty exciting and there were lots to learn. good exposure!

• and many things also appeared out of no where that needed my immediate attentions - line managers wanting to restructure their departments (and that i had to tread very carefully especially when such matters always make my boss go into emotional overdrive), people resigning that needed follow-up, people requesting for early release, off-cycle promotions and salary adjustments that was not planned - just because some hod wanted to do it and my senior management agreed and proceeded with it. and out of no where, i was required to compile data on a handful of staff, rush through to get the letters ready, draft employee communications liners, etc etc etc, recruiters that asked to meet up, end of the month payroll, la la la... it came fast and furious through the week.

• of cos, there were very positive developments too, particularly from my training side. managed to complete developing an e-learning module for the safety department. thankfully, i had a great staff who was able to get the details in place after i gave her my guidelines as to how i wanted the details structured. i was very pleased with the end-product and hope the head of department is happy with it. look forward to launching this e-module soon. also, managed to launched and conducted a new training for the office this week and i was totally elated when the feedback that came back was very positive. reinforced my belief that what i had worked so hard for was in the right direction. and last but not least, managed to complete the groundwork for 2 major trainings that i have planned for for next month.

amidst all these, a pile of new things have already piled up on my table... this coming week will also be intense. and it didn't do good for the fact that the lunar new year is coming and people are already starting to take their leave. i was just glad the week ended and i had the saturday to catch up. there are still lots on my table, but i shall take a deliberate break today and just chill.

agitated mind

i tried meditating this week when i was at the pool. i couldn't do it. my mind was terribly agitated. mental images of mum, both alive as well as her dead body kept appearing whenever i closed my eyes. think i will need some more time to calm myself down...

completion of photo installation

mum and dad's photos were finally installed onto the the marble cover for their niche (really, i just realised i didn't know the term for it!). took me many iterations before i was happy with the photos and the contractors finally texted me yesterday that the installation was completed. headed down to take a look. snapped a photo and texted it to my siblings and relatives. and for some unknown reasons, i felt profoundly sad and broke down as i drove off. i supposed the installation of mum's photo also marked a new milestone of her passing/ mourning period. all the memories flooded back suddenly. it's worst than the feeling of hearing the knocking of the nail onto the coffin. didn't know how to describe the feeling.

tcm cough

have been coughing rather violently non-stop these few weeks. not something new to me actually. whenever i start coughing, it will last for sometime... i've gone to the family doctor a couple of times and each time i did so, i was given the usual antibiotics, cough mixture, painkiller etc. but the cough remains. went for an x-ray couple of weeks back and the doctor mentioned that my lungs were ok, no white spots, no opaque patches. nonetheless, she gave me inhalants as she suspected it might be induced by my asthma (frankly, i don't even think i have asthma). to cut the long story short, the cough is still there and does not seemed to get any better. 

i decided to pay a visit to the tcm doctor on thursday. the sinseh's diagnosis was that the cough was due to weak lungs and wind in my stomach. accordingly, the wind in the stomach made me feel bloated constantly and resulted in a acid reflux which in turn led to the cough. as for the weak lungs, it was the cause of my sinus and the back flow made the throat ticklish. these two factors therefore resulted in incessant coughs. her explanation sounded perfectly logical to me and i could connect with everything she said. i came home with sachets of powdered chinese herbs. had to mix them with warm water and drink them twice a day. have to avoid cold drinks, chicken, oily, spicy foods, all nuts/ legumes and all soy-related food/ products. 

it's been 2 days and while the cough is still there, it feels different. it is less violent, my throat don't feel as ticklish and things seemed to be better controlled. will need to head back to the sinseh for a review next thursday, lets hope it continues to improve over the next few days. 

"the danish girl"

it's a monday and bee had left for another business trip. this time it is to taipei.

and i decided to catch the movie "the danish girl". it was powerful show. lots of thoughts before, during and after watching the show. i noted most reviews and commentaries had focused on lili (and rightfully so) and her struggles amidst the unenlightened times of the early-20th century. what moved me was the love the wife had for him. she supported him as he transitioned, subsequently lived the life of a lesbian (at least what is perceived by people) until he finally died. so in a way, she "came out" as he transitioned. as a gay person who had come out, i can imagine and appreciate the emotions and mental struggles she went through as she "came out". yet, she was straight. i did a little research after the show and learnt that she got married after lili died and later died a penniless person after being cheated of all her monies by her new husband. my heart goes out to her. they should have made a show about her! anyway, back to the show. the sceneries were really beautiful and i was so awed by the last few scenes where it showed the pictures he painted come to life. and the symbolic nature of how the scarf flew... free at last.

enjoyed the show lots.

"how come never let us know..."

the thing about living in a high rise building is that you are very near your neighbours, yet very far from them. and you probably not meet them apart from the occasional chance meetings at the lift landings or when you bump into each other when you take the same lift. and so, until today, i still have the infrequent neighbour who'd ask me how my mum is only to be shocked when i told them she had passed away. and in that quick 15-30 second conversations in the lift, the conversation will sound something like this:

me (entering lift, smiling): hello.

neighbour (face brightens, smiles back): haaiiiiii! how are you? so long never see you. busy ah?

me: ya, very busy with work.

neighbour: how's your mum?

me: she passed away already...

neighbour (eyes wide opened and face in shock): har? when? (and before you can even have the chance to answer) how come? 

me: 2 months ago in november. she died of kidney failure (or pneumonia, depends on which reason came to my mind first)

neighbour: aiyoh, so sudden... how come never tell us? 

me (wondering how the hell i could tell them since i didn't have their contact number, but still have to reply without sounding rude): it was too sudden. she went in in the morning and passed away in the evening.

neighbour: aiyoh... (shakes head) are you ok?

me: ya. thanks.

the lift would then reach my floor, or the ground floor depending on whether i was going up or going down.

neighbour: ok, ok. take care of yourself ah... 

me: thank you. see you...

but still, it always feel good to be able to have these little exchanges, no matter how small. neighbours will often be the ones you have to rely on during times of emergencies due to proximity. and in such cases, they are often more important than close relatives, just like how the chinese saying go "远亲不如近邻".

shell fish...

i brought sapphie to the seaside today. and as she frolicked about the water and the waves, i decided to dig for shell fishes. the tide was low and the exposed beach allowed me to do so. i used to do it when i was a kid. still remembered the days where i would dig up a huge container of it and brought it home to cook... was quite fun actually. managed to dig up a couple of relatively big ones after 5 minutes. threw them back into the sea before i left.

:-)

curtains installed

my curtains was finally installed today. and one of the 2 guys that came to install the curtain was superbly cute! he was fair like tofu, has flawless skin and a very boyish face and smile. was sad to see him leave. but oh, it had been a long time since i scolded anyone and i scolded the lady who called me about the curtain installation today.

you see, she arranged for the curtains to be installed today at 2pm and just about 1.15pm, she called and tell me that the installers cannot come since i live in a condo. according to her, the installers informed her that all condos do not allow curtain installation on weekends and thus, she needed to make another appointment for the installation to be done. to allay her concerns, i told her i will check with my security guards, and that was what i did. the guards told me it was ok to proceed as long as there was no major knocking or drilling. with this, i called her and inform her that it was ok to proceed. and guess what? the lady kept insisting they cannot do so. and despite me telling her i had spoken to the security guard, she insisted it cannot be done.

i lost my patience and i told her - just get your guys here, if they cannot do it, i will pay an additional $2000 dollars! (of cos i was not serious, i was getting pissed off already). and the lady went on, still unconvinced. i was totally flustered and i raise my voice at her - why are you doing this? i already told you i have spoken to the security guard and you don't believe me. do you want me to pass you my phone to the guard? how can you doubt my words? can you not just get your guys here? i think she got my message. she said something but before she could finish her sentence, i hung up the phone on her.

anyway, i forgot all about this stupid lady once the cute guy appeared.

:-)

ps: compared to my previous set of curtains that allowed quite a bit of light to shine through, this new set was 85% opaque as can be seen in the photos. still not used to it...

house...

paid a visit to the hdb (housing development board) branch office to enquire about the house that mum left behind. was told that if i were to take over the house, i will have to live in it. and that means, i will have to vacate my current place. but the most interesting part about the visit to the hdb branch office was the customer service officer. she actually asked me if i was over 35 years old. haha. i exclaimed, half in disbelief that i am already 50 years old! 

hmmm...

"english vegetable"

well, that's what the name of the new taiwanese president sounds like...

ying wen, cai.

:-)

giving thanks

in life, always remember to give thanks. 

giving thanks makes you a happier person, one that appreciates another, that recognises the efforts of another, and in doing so, makes people happier too. when you give, you receive. that was what i did today. and with that done, i had completed what i wanted to do for mum. following her passing, i made a point to give thanks to all the people that had taken care of her, particularly the healthcare workers and the administrative staff at the rehabilitation center, and of cos, the maid. but there was one more gentleman that i had not had the chance to thank personally due to my work schedule. until today.

this person was the mental health doctor - professor chee kuan tsee, emeritus consultant, imh. he had managed mum's mental health since she was first diagnosed with depression when she was in her 30s (that was what mum told me). he had looked after her for close to 50 years and had watched her aged and grow old through the years. he was the one whom i continued to visit to update about her conditions over the last few years and he had watched her condition worsened. it was amazing how he could remember little details about her whenever i went to see him. and usually after talking about mum, he would ask about myself, my brother, etc. and interestingly he was the one who advised me to continue living my life, as mum wilted away 2 years back. let her be and if need be, ignore her, he advised. you need to live your life too, i remembered him saying. with all these years of looking after her and the interactions with us, he had invariably become a part of our lives.

i took mc today becos i felt feverish and a bad throat. with time at hand, i decided to head to the clinic to thank him personally. prof chee works part time these days. seeing patients had become one of his routines and he continued doing so even after he retired more than a decade ago. he is an elderly person now, in his late-70s, but he is still as spritely as ever, seeing patients, giving talks, travelling the region. through our interactions, i knew he works on tuesdays, thursdays and fridays. i arrived at the clinic at about 9.30am and i walked into his clinic once his patient walked out. he was facing his computer screen when i stepped in and as i walked in before he pressed for the next patient, he looked rather disturbed and crossed when he turned around. for a split moment, he couldn't recognize me and looked like he wanted to scold me. feeling a little awkward amidst the short tense moment, i uttered, "prof, i just wanted to tell you that my mum had passed away and i am here to thank you for all the years of care you had given to her".

quickly, his face softened. i was not a patient that barged in before he called. he stood up immediately and came forward as he reached out to me. he held my hands as he asked about mum's passing, when did it happened and how did it happened, etc. i started choking as i shared with him about mum's condition before she passed away and he said some consoling words that i didn't really register. then he asked if mum was closing 90 and i started feeling awkward. i thought for that very moment that i was talking to someone who couldn't remember us. in order not to embarrass him, i replied that she was in her mid-80s (she was 83 to be exact). we spoke a while more and my apprehensions disappeared when he asked if i was still working in my current company... whew. anyway, i shook his hand, thanked him again and he wished me well. i felt a little emotional at that moment but it felt really good. good that i had completed what i felt was right and important - give thanks to my mum's life long doctor. and with that, i felt a huge load taken off my chest.

thank you once again professor chee. thank you for the many many years of looking after my mum. thank you for the support you have given me over the past years when i looked after her.

:-)

drum tao, hyakkaryoran hanabi

caught the performance drum tao 2016, hyakkaryoran hanabi last evening with m.y. and bee. i thoroughly enjoyed it although i must say it wasn't as impactful as compared to the first one i caught a couple of years back. nonetheless, it was really good to see toned bare-bodied men drumming away so passionately. the performances were all testosterone-charged. it was also refreshing to find the performances interspersed with softer flute-led dances. these men were really talented as they switched so naturally from drums to string instruments and from martial arts to dance. every act and every segment had a good combination of yin and yang elements. i was so fascinated by it. 

and ooooo, i must say this - that there is something really really sexy about it when such lean muscled men kneel down in obeisance and absolute surrender as acted out in some of the scenes. and it was so mesmerising to see these men so engrossed and lost in themselves as they danced with their drums. it was a extra plus for me that most of the men were so cute... and of cos, there was not a single trace of effeminate behaviour from any one of them. they were all soooo man! (unlike many, if not all, of the local artists... ok, i'm just being bitchy)... lol! 

very nice!

ps: i must add this little observation that didn't work too well for me - their armpit hair was so bloody distracting and it was such a turn-off... 

new year party

my company organized a new year party for staff yesterday at the sailing club. was a good gathering of staff and had the opportunity to catch up with a couple of crew that i had not met for quite a while. simple party but a good break from the usual routines. of cos, there were the usual "social obligations" to interact with senior guests from other stakeholders, but these are to be expected in all such gatherings. it was regretful that i missed out my lucky draw number when it was called during the lucky draw as i was talking to a senior person from the union but it's ok. most of the time, things won from lucky draws end up either being kept unused and discarded after a while. so, i guessed it's good that some one else got the draw instead.

:-)

medical check-up

it's good to know that my lungs are clear. did the x-ray this afternoon following my complain that i have been coughing non-stop for a couple of months. the doctor suspected it might be due to my asthma and thus prescribed inhalants to me. on the flip side, my cholesterol level has worsened. i guessed the vegetarian diet did not help. in fact, if any, it might have contributed to the worsening of the cholesterol level. darned. i also checked with the doctor on the types of tests i need to go through as part of my regular healthcare regime now i will be 50 this year. was told i needed to do a stool test to check if there are any colorectal cancer. easy. anyway, i ate eggs, garlic and onions for the first time since my mum's passing. felt rather uneasy eating it frankly.

:-)

should i be concern?

It had been two weeks since the maid moved to my brother's place.

and lately, she's been texting me "good mornings" and "good nights" daily. this might sound like an act of courtesy but when it becomes a daily routine, i get a little uneasy. and to top it all off, i got a message last friday that went "i missed you so much". should i be concerned? when i got that message, i had brushed it off, assuming that in her culture, to express such feelings is normal or that it's a language thing whose meaning and intentions was perhaps wrongly expressed during the process of translation. but when seen from the frequency of the greetings, i start to worry...

any thoughts?

good start

today marked the start to the new year at work.

and things went rather well and smooth. for a start, the boss did not scream. in fact, he was pretty sociable. and this set a rather positive mood and the department felt rather relax (from another perspective, it's rather sad that the whole mood of the office was shaped by a single person, but that's the reality). everyone was buzzing around with their work and catching up on lotsa things that piled up over the long break. it was a productive day.

nice!

vegetarianism

i have observed vegetarianism (the vegetarianism that many practising buddhists advocate where one avoids garlic, onions, eggs and all meats) since mum's passing... and it's been 49 days. many have mentioned that by observing vegetarianism, it will help mum garner positive merits and for her to be reborn into a better life. and 49 days would be needed as it is believed that she would be reborn after 49 days. i am not sure if i believe in it, but the symbolic nature of it all felt right. especially when it allows me to do something that contributes directly to her well-being in her afterlife. that is the least i could do to repay her. and it also felt right because she was a half-day vegetarian when she was alive. 

that's the longest i've ever been a vegetarian in my life and, frankly, i've gotten used to it. during these 49 days, people around me had made adjustments to their diet in order to lunch/ dine with me. some had taken it quite well but for bee, he had done so grouchingly much to my displeasure. you do not comment nor criticise a person's dietary habits, especially not when the dietary practise was due the reasons above. but i took it in stride. i was reminded of my mum's stories about how my dad scolded her and spitted on her when she started her vegetarian regime during her early years of marriage. to her, one can never be wrong if he sticks on with what he believes in with a pure heart.

but objectively and in all practical sense, i don't think i'll observe such a vegetarian diet forever. i need to balance my practise with the realities of life. there are people around me who are not vegetarians and to impose my practise on them would not be fair to them. also, there are occasions where such vegetarian food cannot be found and i might just end up either going hungry or malnourished. being too attached to the practise is counter-productive in itself, i opine. it goes against the grains of buddhism that advocates non-attachment. for me, i will try to avoid meat as much as i can. all things being equal and putting mourning obligations aside, i think it's a good practise. it's healthy, and it's eco-friendly as it reduces the overall demands on meat. and that means, less lives will be taken.

:-)

ps: the vegetarian diet as described above has links to hindu believes if i am not wrong but i widely practiced by many buddhists. for me and from my understanding of buddhist teachings, vegetarianism is an option for one to practice the precept of not taking lives. i know not of any strict rule that one must be vegetarian to be buddhist. 

49th day

time flies.

today, we commemorate mum's 49th day after her passing. we have commemorated her 7th, 21th, 35th and now her 49th day. the next prayer will be done on the 100th day, which happens to be immediately after the lunar new year celebrations.

i am not as emotional now. but still, the emotions will hit when the right button is pressed, just like how this morning when the butcher auntie asked me - "where's your mummy? have not seen her for a while..." i told her about mum's passing and she looked shocked... and apologised.

i teared as i walked away.

2016 - guide

for 2016, i will...

personal life

> increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time

bee

> do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years

sapphie

> continue to take good care of her

family

> nurture my niece and nephew

relatives

> put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family

health

> live healthily

work/ professional development

> get a new job, move to a new company

friends

> build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends

bloggers/ blogging

> continue to blog