opening up & feeling valued

i become withdrawn when i am depressed. and i don't care who you are, even if you are someone very close to me, i will just not open up so easily. and i simply hate it when people ask - but why didn't you tell me? no, i open up only when i feel right, and i don't necessarily feel right at the time when i am with people i am close to. i am not a robot that can easily just switch on and off. many times, it is easier for me to pen down my thoughts via my blog when i am quiet. so, if you value me and are concerned about me, read my blog. use it to complement our conversation. it provides another channel to know my inner thought and to deepen your understanding of me. i remembered how you used to do that, but in recent years you have stopped. and when i asked, you felt agitated and told me off. frankly, when you do that, i clamp up even more.

and i do appreciate if people i am close to can just be a little more sensitive to me. give me the space to blank off where appropriate. and when i needed it, cajole me, give me some good attention, make me feel comfortable, make me feel i am valued. it means a hell lot to me if you can simply tell me my friends have asked me to go with them to (which ever place), but i chose to stay here with you. such actions and the thoughts behind it mean a whole world lot more for me that to say things like you mean more than my life to me, i will be with you for life, etc etc etc. all these words came across as empty when they are not supported by actions. i just need you to be there for me when i need you. and often, it is just be close to me physically. in country. especially when i am down.

it's that simple. you can call me very char bor (woman), i don't care. i deserve to treat myself better.

that is me.

considerations

can i simply ask for a little bit of sensitivity and considerations for me when you make any decisions? especially when you know jolly well that this has been a very tender and difficult period for me. and unlike previous times, you have a choice to go or not to go this time round. and instead of asking me, you simply called to tell me "i will be going bkk, i know you are not going to be happy about it, but i will be going to bkk." 

fuck! how do you expect me to react? i don't apologise for getting upset when you adopt such attitude towards me.

outward vs inward

outwardly, i looked as normal as i usually did. but inwardly, i was totally messed up. i supposed people who interacted with me often enough could sense a change in me but obviously you didn't. or perhaps you simply took it that i was just simply being difficult.

time and again, i struggled with myself and have kept asking if i had been unfair to you in my behaviour whenever you travel overseas, but another side of me kept asking why you just could not seemed to consider me a little more. and why couldn't you sense my needs. added to that, i don't think it is unreasonable for me to expect you to touch base with me when you are overseas. you cannot expect me not to worry about you, you cannot expect me not to wonder if you are ok. if you have me in your thoughts, such messages will come naturally.

and when i ask that of you, we always end up with you chiding me for being unreasonable, and simply tell me off by saying things like "i cannot help it if you see things or think things this way".

distressed state

i had avoided talking for him after he told me he'd be leaving for bkk. i was really sore about it and his lack of considerations for me when he decided to go. he had a choice but chose to go. this was made worst by the earlier thoughts that i would be undergoing a medical procedure and had hoped for his presence to support me. i couldn't sleep the night before he left. it was also the night before i was supposed to head back to work after a 10-day of absence and i was totally not looking forward to it. there was no sense of purpose at work, my staff had left, i had had a quarrel with a colleague before I took my leave and i had to return back to a hostile office. i was a total mess that night.

i texted him at 2-plus after tossing and turning in bed for some time. can please don't go? please? i got a reply about an hour later that said something like – why is my going to bkk going to result in a break-up? is it that serious? i was totally not in the state of mind to talk and did not answer his call. it was close to 3am. it was not me to plead. but this time round, i did. i was desperate and helpless. i texted him and asked again – can don't go? please? i got no reply from him.

it will not be truthful for me to say that i didn't contemplate suicide at that wee hours of the morning. i was too confused and too upset by that time to think objectively. i had hoped he could be around during this christmas period. i am not christian and do not celebrate christmas but still, i had hoped that he would be around during this special season that to me, is very family-centric and very significant. i had also hoped he would understand my current state of mind. but i supposed it was kinda too much of me to ask for. perhaps he didn't know the extent of depression that i was nor understand the mental stress i had been facing. or maybe i didn't tell him all these things directly.

my mind was in a state of turmoil when i headed off to work that morning. i arrived at work early but didn't want to head up to my office. i ended up parking my car at an isolated corner of the business park and i just sat there, dazed. i headed to work as per normal and at about 9.15am, i got his message – i am boarding, don't be sore about it. see you sunday. that very moment, a large part of me died. my heart hardened.

my hands were trembling so badly i could hardly hold my phone when i saw his final pre-boarding message. from his text, it was clear he had read my blog and understood how sore i was about his going bkk. and added to that, despite my pleading with him, he had proceeded to leave for bkk. he had given a deaf ear to my plea to him. it was then that i concluded that my well-being has become secondary to him. that his "colleagues" (or perhaps "friends" or whatever) were more important to him. they have taken over me in his heart.

i didn't know what to do at that moment. i felt so totally helpless. i walked out of my office and stood at my office building stairwell. i didn't know what to do. outwardly, i seemed ok to my office staff. but inside, i was crying. since he wanted to go bkk so badly with his "colleagues", i contemplated making him feel guilty for his act. forever. once again, i was so near to taking my own life. i almost lost my senses. but i didn't. after i gain composure, i walked back to my cubicle, my clothes damp from my perspiration. after that, i simply retracted into myself even more.

i was literally a walking zombie the whole day. it didn't matter that the department had a christmas lunch, or that they got me a belated birthday cake. it didn't matter that everyone seemed so smiley and cheerful. to me, everything was a total pack of lies. all fake, all make believe. everything was so meaningless since then.

sore & confused

i am still feeling very sore about bee leaving for bkk. i may not be christian and i do not celebrate christmas, but still, i do wish to be able to spend christmas with my family. and i have considered him as my family.

i have once again asked if i should just end this relationship. he has time and again, repeatedly tell me of his visits last minute. and all the time, he said it was for work. and all the time, it coincided with public holidays. and this time round, it happened again. and he had anticipated my hostile reaction. 

but this time round, it was to pray. and to relax. not work. he has a choice, he admitted. but he chose to go. this despite knowing i had to undergo gastroscopy (before i found out it was a consultation). 10 years ago, i experienced a similar incident with james. he chose his work over my health. he refused to accompany me for my brain scan. that incident shook me really hard.

looks like history has some what repeated itself. 

i am confused. 

no scope done (yet)

went to the clinic expecting to have my gastroscopy done but no, in the end, it was a consultation with the doctor to assess if i am fit for the procedure. 

after asking a whole lot of questions to understand my medical history, he asked me to lie down on the examination table. and he pressed his hands onto different parts of my abdominal areas. some areas felt a little sore, but when he pressed the appendix areas, i almost jumped up. it was really tender. he apologised.

in the end, i was made to sign a series of papers - for the anaesthetic, for the procedure, for acknowledging that there is a risk (0.01%) of internal bleeding and tears, etc... and my appointment was fixed. 

22 jan 15.

gastroscopy

i will be heading to the hospital tomorrow to undergo the gastroscopy procedure. it's to check if there are anything nasty in my upper gastrointestinal tract that is causing my reflux (gerd). feeling a little uneasy now. have not been told of any special preparations on my part but when i read the internet, i learned that i needed to fast for 6-8 (some even suggested up to 10hours) before the procedure. i was not supposed to drive or to operate any machinery as i would be drowsy after the procedure. and much as it would be a very straight forward and simple procedure, there is a little wee bit of chance of complications (like internal bleeding)... so i read.

wanted to ask bee to drive me there. i had hoped he would be around to give me the support tomorrow and the next few days (just in case of complications). but it's not gonna happen. he's heart is not here anymore. he leaves for bkk wednesday and tomorrow he'll probably be busy finishing his work and preparing his trip with his "colleagues". and i am not in the mood to talk to him now.

i think i'll just walk to the hospital tomorrow.

wtf right?

ps: frankly, i am a little apprehensive about the procedure. never liked having things being inserted into me. thus far, i have had things inserted through my rear, my penis, my nose, and my ears before.  and this would be the final hole to be invaded... lol!

going bkk again...

yup, bee is heading to bkk again. to pray, considering the (his company's) business is not doing too well, and to relax with his "colleagues". wednesday to sunday. once again, as always, it is when there is a holiday (last time, it was deepavali, and this time round, christmas) and his trip would be stretched over the holiday period into the weekend.

when he told me that, i almost wanted to just cancel the taiwan trip.

:-(

standard liners?

i had some time to myself and wanted to make an appointment for a facial. i called them up and this was how the conversation went:

me: hi, i'd like to make an appointment for this afternoon. 

service staff: errr, can i have your name?

me: jeffrey. jerome usually does the treatment for me. 

service staff: errr, jerome is not in today y'know? he works only on wednesday and thursdays.

me: no problem, it's ok. 

service staff: he not in leh, you sure you ok? you sure you still want slots?

me: ya, what slots do you have? 

service staff: orhh, errr, what slot do you want?

me: ok, erm, how about 1pm?

service staff: oh i'm sorry, our 1pm. 2pm, 3pm slots all fully booked. if you want, we only have 4pm and 5pm.

me: ....

hmmm, first she sounded like as though she's wishing me away, then she asked me for my preferred time slot, only to tell me later that she only had 4 and 5pm left. why didn't she just tell me she only has 4pm and 5pm slots from the start? would have closed the conversation way ahead right?

lol!

ex's & why's

was surfing the net and found this rather interesting and clever sentence:

"i made a graph of my past relationships. 
there is an ex-axis and a why-axis..."

heh, it was not difficult to guess which profession the writer was in.

sounds of waves

i was on leave today. took leave in anticipation of the need to pay respects to my dad to commemorate the winter solstice. but well, since we paid our respects yesterday, i ended up with a day to myself. 

i left the house as usual at 7.30am. and decided to simply head to the beach to relax. was supposed to meet an ex-colleague for breakfast at 9am and had some time to kill.  and wow, it was really relaxing - reading my papers as i laid down on the breakwater (artificial barrier to break the waves and to protect the reclaim seafront from erosion), and listening to the waves as they gently hit the breakwater. 

very nice! 

first holiday in 5 years

decided to take a 3-day break to taipei in jan 2015. it will be my first proper holiday since 2009. and i have told mum i will be heading to taiwan to work. hmmm... it's a lie. me bad. but well, i needed it. and i am looking forward to it!

dongzhi 2014

dongzhi (冬至）or the winter solstice falls on 22 dec 2014 (tomorrow). but since it is a monday, we decided to commemorate it today instead. and that kept me busy whole day. helped my sis-in-law do the preparations and the cooking before heading to the columbarium to pay respects to my late-dad. so... 

yeah, made the tangyuan (汤圆) as well nonya chap chye. simple fare, but one helluva lot of work!

i am so tired now...

:-)

eerie feel

i met up with bee last night and we decided to head out for a drink.

i didn't want to watch any more shows, considering we had watched 2 shows during the week. we decided to head out to siglap area for a drink instead. i parked my car at the siglap centre basement and decided to head to the toilet before making our way for our drinks.

i opened the toilet door, took a step inside and i felt a chill. things didn't feel right. i immediately walked out of the toilet. it had been a very long time since i felt this way. and frankly, i didn't know how to describe the feeling other than perhaps 阴气很重... (yin energy was overwhelming).

yikes!

neighbours

i have always liked this photo. 

it was taken sometime in the late '70s and it shows me carrying my neighbour's baby. and the thing was - my neighbour was that of a malay family. and in those days, we had this open door policy where neighbours and their kids can come into each other's house without worrying too much about whether they'll feel less than welcome. in fact, back in those days, the kampong spirit was strong. people of different races co-existed peacefully. and we respect each other's space and culture. 

:-)

our solar system is a vortex

now, this is a very interesting clip showing how the solar system is a vortex instead of the commonly seen 2-d model where all planets simply rotates around the sun. it argues that the sun is in fact moving at 70,000 kmphr and thus all the planets' movements are, in actual fact, similar to that of a vortex. interesting right? 

then again, to put in perspective, there are movements and there are movements. and i say this because, apart from the sun that is moving, we also need to recognize that the milky way itself is moving... so things are actually not so straight forward. but if we were to see it in perspective and to reflect the whole movement in relation to the size of the universe... then the speed of the movement becomes quite slow. 

ok, think i am going no where... but yeah, the beauty of space.

:-)

daytime pick-ups

i was bored yesterday as i took leave but didn't know what to do in the end. and after i slept half the day, i decided to head out of the house. i had no specific place to go nor specific plans too. i ended up driving aimlessly towards the direction of the pool i frequent - katong pool. then again, as it was drizzling quite badly, it made no sense for me to head there. in the end, i ended up sitting in my car at the infamous fort road car park and watching the goings as i read my papers.

the fort road areas had changed quite dramatically after the recent opening of a new road that leads into the reclaimed land. and as a result, the circle (roundabout) has been removed. added to that, the road had been elevated by at least 2m (using my height as a gauge). so the whole place felt higher. i supposed this was a direct result of the government's recent updating of land reclamation protocol given rising sea levels - that all land fill/ reclamation works must bring the level up to 2.5m above sea levels instead of 1.5m (that was the old protocol). ok, i have digressed.

i was at the car park reading my papers as it drizzled. it was quiet when i arrived at 1-ish. but within less than half an hour, a few cars started to enter the car park. there were no less than 4-5 cars. it was kinda interesting, considering it was a weekday. soon enough, cars began to pair up and parked beside one another. and next thing i knew, one person from one car hopped over to the other. heh heh... it was not difficult to guess what went on inside the car. anyway, in less than 10min, the guy emerged and went back to his car and then both cars left. such a scene repeated as i sat there, just observing.

and one particular car struck me. a car that carried the numbers sfv###4. the driver of this car hopped onto another car, had his time in it and returned to his car. and then he drove his car around the car park again before repeating this ritual with another car... not too sure, but i suspected the driver had a couple of fun in the span of an hour of two. and i said so cos i went for my lunch and came back and he was still at it. what a harvest huh? haha... 

it was an eye opener for me no doubt. surprised that such a thing still happened in the car park, and in broad daylight despite all the constructions that had happened.

:-)

monsoon season

this is the third day of my leave and i will be alone today as bee has to work.

and i really look forward to use this day to bask in the sun. and when i woke up, it turned out the whole day would be drizzling and cloudy. wtf right? haha... last two days were hot like crazy and i thought i would be so too today. sighs! doh!

but yeah, ended up heading home to take a nap after mum went off to the rehab centre.

let me think of what to do before i waste my whole day.

:-)

something missing

it was kinda weird. 

for the first time after so many years, i have a birthday where none of my closer friends wished me happy birthday. well, it is not that i had expected them to do so. but it had been something that has become a norm of sorts. but yesterday, no one did... for that matter, even james also did not do so.

hmmm...

hobbit: battle of the five armies

i am not sure why, but i realised i'd fall asleep when i watch afternoon shows! it happened yesterday and it happened again today! you see, bee and i went to watch the hobbit this afternoon and... i sleep during the initial half hour, after the dragon died. haha. am on my second day of leave and had sometime to myself after sending mum to the hospital for her speech therapy. now back to the show.

i had rather high expectations of the show, considering all the hype and the many trailers that was shown. but with high expectations, come disappointment. i mean, it was an ok show, but i had expected a lot more in terms of the storyline. but instead, there was just scenes after scenes of almost senseless fighting and killing. then again, what more can one expect when there were 5 armies fighting right? haha...

nonetheless, i had a relaxing day (although i cannot say the same physically).

:-)

48

well, i turned 48 today.

then again, i have been telling people i am 48 since the start of the year. so, i don't really feel anything. but it was very heartwarming to get almost non-stop stream of messages and well-wishes from many friends as well as my staff from my previous employments, some as long ago as 14 years back. so nice of them right?

bee took leave to spend time with me and we headed off for breakfast and a show. and in the evening, brought my mum to my brother's place as my niece and nephew (well, i supposed it was just my niece) who wanted to celebrate my birthday for me. and she pestered my brother and sis-in-law to get a cake. my sis-in-law said she (my niece) took a long time to select the picture and finally chose one that showed mickey and goofy. accordingly, mickey represented me and goofy represented sapphie. so sweet right? and of cos, she sang the birthday song, blow the candle and also almost went ahead with cutting the cake if my sis-in-law had not stopped her. 

:-)

doraemon stand by me

such a beautiful show. very heartwarming. enjoyed it.

well, i am on leave starting today and will only return to work next week. so, decided to catch a movie with bee this afternoon. ended up booking tickets for this movie at the gv grand. and as it was a weekday, there was only 4 persons in the theatre. bee and i and another couple. enjoyed the show lots! never a doraemon fan per se and never ever really followed the show. but today i got to know this character totally. and although i dozed off for a while at the start of the movie (yup, i was so bloody tired), i ended up feeling happy, sad, excited, anxious, etc during the movie. 

great show!

:-)

feeling unfulfilled 2

something that also came to my mind today that i thought i'd capture it here too.

total sense of feeling unfulfilled is when you were stopped or distracted just when you are at the threshold of a big time hearty earth-shattering orgasm...

agree?

feeling unfulfilled 1

something that came to my mind today and i thought i'd capture it here.

total sense of feeling unfulfilled is when you were stopped or distracted just when you are at the threshold of a big time hearty earth-shattering sneeze...

agree?

mrt pai liao!

i took the mrt (mass rapid transit) home after my program this afternoon.

and at one of the stations, the train didn't move off and the door kept opening and closing. initially, everyone thought it was just a case of someone getting caught and the door opened automatically, but after some 6 times of opening and closing, people began to get a little uneasy and disturbed. now, beside me sat 2 aunties. and one of them was obviously very anxious and kept saying (in hokkien):

"waaa, siào liào. mrt khāy pài liào... yī êhh mńg khūi khûm khūi khûm bóh théng..." (to the effect - wtf, the mrt doors kept opening and closing non-stop). 

and she kept looking and sighing as the doors kept opening and closing at least two more times before she started to considering if she should alight for she went... 

"khāy mài giá, bèh lòh chiā liào! ài yâh siào liào siào liào". (almost literally, "if the train still do not move, we'll have to alight! wtf wtf!)

i thought it was rather funny. nonetheless, i held my composure. but opposite me sat a young ah lian (almost a derogatory term for a hokkien uncouth-acting or uneducated girl) with her ah beng (the male version of ah lian) lau peh (father) and she couldn't control herself and kept giggling non-stop. heh heh... a rather funny scene. and to make it even more contrasting, on my side was a malay teenager, and a bangladeshi worker and they couldn't understand wth was happening and simply continued focusing on their smartphones. 

heh... 

one of those enjoyable and laughable moments while taking public transport. 

ps: the door opened and closed 2 more times and the train finally moved. and auntie exclaimed "waaa khià liào khià liào!!!" (wow! the train has moved off!)

my namesake

i got this pic in my facebook mailbox. it was send to me by a friend. he thought this guy looked like me. and i was like "wow! indeed!". frankly, i have never met anyone that looked like me before. previously, people have mentioned about how my looks resemble some hong kong actors (at least 2-3 different entertainment-industry personalities including louis koo, raymond lam, bruce lee - i was like "omg" right? lol!) or for that matter a taiwanese singer (emil chau). i disagreed most of the time or at best acknowledged perhaps the expressions or the eye or some specific parts of the face bore some slight, very slight resemblance. but this time round, it was different. when i took a look, i actually agreed without thinking twice. his facial features and expression are rather similar to mine. and for a while, it felt like i was looking at myself. of cos, when i expanded the face and took a closer look, i started to disagree somewhat. but that was besides the point. heh heh...

and this reminded me of another thing. my staff, a lady in her late 20s, asked me if i had googled my name before. she related how her curiosity led her to google her own name and was surprised how many guys had similar names to her. anyway, to her question as to whether i had googled my own name before, i said yes. and i didn't want to elaborate further other than asked her to google for herself and see the results. she did and we had a very good laugh over it. there were quite a few raunchy gay pics! but of cos they were not of me la. apparently, there is a gay nude model (based in the states) by my same name. and what greeted her were pictures males in varying state of undress. there were also muscles, bears, etc. 

:-)

being happy

i need to write this. i need to remind myself that being happy is as much an end state as it is a conscious journey. i need to continuously remind myself about it. and above all, 

i will make the efforts to do it.

:-)

time off from work

i am on a course today and tomorrow. and after the course, i am leave till 22 dec. and then on 23 dec, i will be going through my scope for my stomach. needed to ascertain and confirm if i have any nasty growth in my stomach that could be causing my reflux. what this means is that i will only be heading back to work on 24 dec - an almost 10 days off from work. 

this time away from office would hopefully give me the break i needed away from my colleagues.

:-)

my second course

am currently attending a human resource program at a local training centre. and it's a very straight forward and easy program as it deals with things i do on a daily basis. and for that matter, it's the second program i am doing this month. and i understand that if i were to complete the full 4 programs under this category, i can qualify for a professional certification. sounds like a good idea ya? i think i should give myself this little chance/ opportunity to be fair to myself. 

and i say this becos i found myself neglecting this part of my professional development for the longest time ever. actually, apart from my belief that many stuff taught were nothing more than going through what i already know, i also felt i needed to save money for my company (current and previous). and in doing so, i end up walking in and out of my employments not getting the necessary endorsements (in terms of professional qualification/ certifications) in what i am capable of. and often, i ended up envying people for having so many qualifications in their résumé. heh...

and after attending 2 programs, i realised that i was not too far wrong in assuming that i know the stuff being taught. most importantly, it allowed an certain sense of benchmarking and affirmation that what i have been doing were not too different from what other industry "experts" and practitioners do. and the realisation that i am not inferior to them is very powerful. it also struck me how i have been over-demanding on myself. from that angle, it helped boosted my self-confidence. and all things being equal, such courses allow me to network with light-minded people and widen my circle of professional connections in my area of work.

:-)

he's 2!

ahhh, i forgot to write about this, last friday was my nephew's 2nd birthday! time really flies. it was not too long ago that his mum checked into the hospital to give birth to him and now he is 2 years old! and he is now one helluva challenge to handle. full of energy, full of mischief and of cos, very adorable and very loveable. 

heh... 

hunger strike

well, mum is on hunger strike. or rather, she refuses food that i offer to her. and so, she is refusing dinner, and for that matter, refusing any food when i am around. also, she does not want to head out shopping when i asked.

in short, she is just refusing anything that i give to her. initially, i was quite pissed off, but thinking about it again, i was quietly tickled by her behaviour. very childish and very targeted (at me). i just let her be and eat as per normal. let her dwell in her unhappiness and let her pout for all she wants. when she gets tired of it, she'll start to eat again.

and until then, she just asks for water.

:-)

ps: it is not a bad thing altogether cos she is grossly overweight and i have had such a hard time convincing her to eat less so as to manage her weight.

she's awake

she's emo the whole of today. and i placed a sleeping pill into her handful of tablets she takes late evening. that was barely 2 hours ago and now, she's awake. hmmm... as far as i am concerned, i will just lock myself in my bedroom and sleep.

:-)

emo mum

as i said, i was in a bad mood. but mum made the day worst. and i am using this post to vent.

my domestic helper was on off today after her break. she needed to pass some of her stuff to her relatives in singapore. and so i had to look after mum. everything went well in the morning. but after breakfast at about 9.15 am, mum got a call from my sis-in-law. she asked mum to head to her house earlier (our usual visit time was about 3-4pm) as my brother wanted to head out to the temple. an innocent request but a request that turned mum into a kancheong spider (local lingo for flustered anxious person).

we came home at about 9.30 am and from then, mum went non-stop about wanting to head to the place early. and despite understanding that our early would be about 1-2pm (or after lunch), she kept on nagging about needing to go early. and she'd repeat almost every 5 min about why i have not change up, why i was still watching tv, why i was dilly-dallying, etc. i was initially patient with her and explained nicely that we'll leave house at 1pm, but by about 10-ish, i lost my cool. i simply told her to leave me alone to have my rest. i told her not to rush me and that we have lots of time. i added that it was a sunday and it was my rest day. i asked why she always got so flustered when my brother asked her go earlier and not consider the fact that i needed rest.

she retorted - why do you need to rest. you work in the office and weekends, you are so free, why would you need to rest further? and since you are not willing to take me there early, i will go myself! hmmm, very combative. i was unhappy about her reaction. but i went along and rushed through to bring her there. and guessed what, she refused to talk to me through the day, went on mini-hunger strike, pulled a long face, etc.

much as i ignored her, it was not easy not to be affected by her mood-swings.

damned!

bad mood

i was in such bad mood today... everything seemed wrong.

duh!

big hero 6

a nice heartwarming show. the thing i like about the show (and i dare say many cartoon movies these days) is that they also touched on rather ethical stuff. just like how the boy was so consumed with the desire to revenge his brother's death that he almost ended up killing the professor. but no, he did not in the end and he eventually realised his mistake. the dilemma and emotional struggle he went through was very well presented. these are issues that are very adult in nature and not something one would see in cartoons of the old days.

so, yeah, i enjoyed the show. simple story line but very deep in the lessons that can be learned.

:-)

swimming pool encounter

i experienced a really sexy encounter at the pool (above) earlier today. i had collected mum's medications from the mental health institute and decided to drop by the pool for a tan. when i arrived, there was this nerdy-looking guy. i have never seen him before. he was tanning and seemed extra conscious of people arriving. he kept looking at my direction, probably wondering if i would take offence with what he was wearing. he was wearing a g-string. he was lying in a prone position and from the back, the g-string was so tiny it would probably be easier to simply call it a string.

the sun was good and i made myself comfortable on a sun-deck next to him, the only space left. i sat on my deck as i read my papers. i thought he started to feel a little more confident after a while when i didn't make any fuss and he turned around. and i was... whoooohhh... he was wearing a translucent purple pouch that really left nothing to imagination! and in the pouch, he wore a orange coloured leather cock-ring - the type that looked like a bracelet and has several metallic studs to allow one to adjust the tightness.

ok, shan't write further. not too nice to go into details and make things too explicit. 

heh heh... 

10-day break?

well, technically i had had a 10-day mental break from my mum. but in reality it was not so. 

she went over last wednesday. and i spend the full sat and sunday with her. and on tuesday, my brother called, very unhappy for that fact that her oxygen concentrator had malfunctioned and beeped through the night, thereby disturbing his sleep. and so i had to make my way to his place in the morning. bring the machine to the workshop to get it repaired. headed to work and then send it back to my mum after work. and today, mum is back.

so technically, although mum stayed with my brother for 10 days, i was there almost every 2-3 days. and during the times when i was not there, mum would call me almost 10-20 times a day, sometimes to check on me, who i was with, where was i, and what was i doing.

so... but yes, i did have a break. and during the times when i had the time to myself, i had to constantly lie to her that i was at home when i was out. 

depression is back

i think my depression has gotten back. i have been feeling uneasy, sad and anxious although outwardly, i seemed pretty cool about things and easy-going. and i think i am like that because of:

• i was unhappy that bee did not even made the effort to have dinner with me over the pass 10-days. i had expected him to spend more time with me during my break but he could not due to his work. he only initiated a dinner after i expressed my displeasure and we ended up having a rather short dinner last night, the night before mum returns.
• i was rather anxious about my staff leaving. she finally left 2 days ago. my new staff joins me end of the month. 
• i felt a little unsettled without a boss. my ex-boss left 2 weeks ago. well, technically this was a good thing cos he was useless and there was no leadership from him. yet, strangely, when he left, there was a weird sense of being unsettled cos with no one around, there was no one to take responsibility if things get screwed up.
• i felt angry with my colleague who seemed extra unco-operative these days. 
• i felt uncertain about my new boss, who will join us within the next couple of weeks. the uncertainty of what this new boss will be like is rather unsettling.
• the anticipation of the end of my "holiday". my domestic helper is coming home and that means, mum is coming home. this only meant the end of my mental break.

all these add up to big time stress for me i guess. and being someone who hardly verbalise my thoughts, i end up keeping them inside and feeling all pent up. and when that happens, i start worrying, and think too much for my own good, and then i get depressed...

hmmm... 

end of "holiday"

my domestic helper has returned. the 10-day break simply passed so bloody fast. and now, mum is back at home. that also meant my "mental-break" from my mum is over...

but well, it was a rather good break i must say.

:-)

bad start

my new boss came to the office yesterday. and he came in just when my colleague and i had a tiff. i supposed it was not a good start cos the impression he had was that we were at loggerheads and that the team was not cohesive. it was the first time such a thing happened and it had to be witnessed by my new boss! haha...

so that was the wrong impression that was created. and naturally, he stated his displeasure with me and my lack of maturity in my burst. well, this perhaps marked the bad start for me with my new boss. my hour-plus conversation with him seemed full of conflicting signals. he came in, shared that his target for the department is to win national awards within 2-3 years. and that he hope to be able to allocate new areas for me to manage, which was ok to me except that he added that in small companies, if people don't want to accept new responsibilities, they could be told to leave. now, i wondered if he was hinting to me anything and if this was a result of his bad impression of me when he walked in.

anyway, after the conversation with him, i felt the need to start my job search again. i don't know, i just have this very uneasy feel with him.

hmmm...

blasted my colleague

i seldom burst, but when i burst, things can go really awry. well, i am talking about my temper.

anyway, i blasted at my colleague yesterday - a manager from the operations side of my department. he's a very young manager but has not been a very good team player. since i joined the company, i had been tasked to assist the operations side in doing a lot, and i really mean, a lot of stuff. and whenever i circulate my proposal for change, i will not get any response from him. and everyone in the department had gotten along with the changes i had made. and added to that, there were many many occasions where i kept my cool despite his sarcasm at times. there was a lot of pent up tensions i supposed.

and lately, he started drawing lines and seemed to want to create barriers between his side and mine. and on top of that, he started pushing things back. worst of all, when i send out an email asking for comments for an adjustment of processes, the tone he adopted in his email reply sounded rather hostile. he started to say things like, not trying to draw lines but... and then he would hint quite clearly to me that i should mind my own business instead of trying to change things. and he went to the extent of telling me what i should be focusing on, instead of trying to propose changes to his processes. i was like - wtf, have you not been in the know of what was happening for the last 2 years? have you not understood that i had been doing lotsa stuff you had ignored? and instead of thanking me, you now tell me to mind my own business?

i simply asked him if he knew what his staff was doing, what the shortcomings in current processes were and the materials his staff had been using (which i had been conscientiously updating monthly for the last year plus), and he said no, but added on that he was simply "making a comment" since i asked. i couldn't take his comment and simply told him off. he does not know his staff, what they were doing, what i had been helping out, etc... in another words, he had failed in his leadership. wtf.

anyway, i didn't bother. i simply told him off. he was not happy and so was i. it was not me to do such stuff, but i had had it. enough was enough. of cos i didn't shout at him, but i sounded totally not the usual me (who was always cheerful and joking) that everyone around just kept silent and didn't want to utter a sound. the whole office kept quiet.

wtf...

lemonade

i posted this in my facebook and in no time, it garnered 30 likes. quite a record for a posting for me. but that was not the motivation behind posting it. you see, when i made the post about the complaining uncle, someone commented and disagreed with my point that the education system was good. he lamented about how rigid the local school system was, etc. but of cos, it was clear he had misread my post. i was not really commenting about the education system. i was simply reflecting how the uncle chose to see things from a half-empty rather than a half-full perspective. and so as a follow up, i made my posting below. in no time, i got half a dozen emails from people who were concerned about how i had gone through it without telling them.

well, i was kinda glad they reached out to me. i even came out to one of them. well, he was ok with it. just glad to be able to get this out in the open after almost a decade. frankly, i have moved on. but admittedly, this is something i can understand but cannot accept. but well, have just to move on right? easier said that done. i must first try to forgive, but i still cannot.

:-)

here's my facebook posting...

a quick sharing about attitudes in viewing half a glass of water. half full or half empty, it's your attitude that counts. don't ask me details, but this sharing is very personal and no replies will be given.

how many of u are aware that in may 2005, i was hauled up to msd, interrogated for a good 8 hours and humiliated by junior officers. i was subsequently stripped of my security clearance, my masters program revoked, and placed under restriction in my movements as long as i stay in service. it also caused me my possible promotion possibilities subsequently. and for a good half year, i sat in the office and just stare at the wall cos i was not even allowed to go near a computer. the feeling of employed but not deployable was not a good one, not to mention the emotional turmoil plus having to having to face my staff daily. got myself posted to scsc after a long drawn negotiation process. i continued serving in scsc until i left service in 2009.

suffered depression, and epilepsy and lost more than 15% of my body weight and almost got admitted into imh. till today, i still suffer memory lapses following that fateful event.

but if not for that event, i wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to interact with and learn so much from the many wonderful people that passed through scsc during my 4-year stay. i wouldn't have gotten the chance and opportunities to be able to hone my abilities as a people developer. and this led to my eventual decision to take up learning and development and leadership development as a path in life.

good lesson to learn here - when life deals you lemons, make lemonade.

drawing lines

the irony of someone saying he doesn't want to draw lines is that by saying it, he is drawing lines.

no?

opening hours

wtf. might as well leave your contact number and ask people to make appointment right? and from the words, i conclude that the only times that we can find the shop owner for sure is between 3 to 5pm. 

haha...

complain king

i was at a coffee shop having my breakfast when i overheard a conversation between two uncles. one was obviously very self-centered, a complain king, and has that kinda "everything also wanna win" character. the other uncle was simply a listener and come across as a "no opinion" person. the self-centred uncle was criticizing the singapore education system... and here's the gist of what he said:

i tell you ah, the singapore education system very jiak lat (local slang for screwed up). must pay lots of money to get to university and very stressful at all levels. look, there're only 5000 places for elite people to get into good programs like the ib (international baccalaureate) and where does that leave the majority of the kids. and just look at my daughter, she almost failed her psle (local elementary school leaving examinations), her gce "o" levels best 3 subjects almost 20 points (aggregated score of best 3 subjects, the lower the better, lowest 3 point and to pass, 18 points), and it was so very hard for her to get to jc (junior college). so i send her to new zealand, she easily got into the university, and now she studying for her masters... i tell you, the local education system is totally screwed up....

that was the gist of the almost monologue-like conversation. and i was half-laughing to myself as i listen to him. in his statements, he came across as:

• boasting about how "screwed up" his daughter was
• how she could not compare to most singaporeans
• implied how good the local education was (and still is)
• implied how screwed up the nz education system was (and perhaps still is), but of cos, almost implied that the nz system was flexible to allow people to be developed to their highest potential
• etc

it was funny how he didn't realize this - it is always easy to complain, and always easier to blame everyone and everything, but most difficult to accept that the issue many a times is - how to be contented and fit in. nothing is perfect in this world. and most importantly, when you wanna criticise the system, don't do it at the expense of your daughter. but most interestingly, i see this uncle talking to the no-opinion uncle everyday and everyday, he would complain about things that ranged from grocery, to cost of living, to the government, to all sorts of local policies, etc. it made me wonder why the hell he is still in singapore. and back to the topic of his daughter and the education system.  shouldn't he be glad that despite all his complains, no one has restricted him in sending his daughter overseas? he has a choice.

haha...

"let's have fun"

as a kid, when i asked my friends if they want to meet for fun, it was just that. but as an adult, when i asked the same question...

same words, possibly same outcome (feeling of fun), but a whole new level in terms of interpretation of what "fun" means. 

lol!

"par-parrr"

my most adorable nephew has picked up quite a few words over the past couple of months. 

and given his abilities to only articulate the last syllabus of whatever words he has learned, it can be rather challenging to decipher what he was actually trying to tell us. for example, the chinese word for "room" (房间) is pronounced as "fáng jiān". but to him, he will simply go "jiān" and he would repeat it a few times to me as he tries to get me to head to the room (the usual place where i would play games with him).

also, he loves cars and has this habit to associate colour with people. for example, he would call all dark blue/ black car "pork pork" (i.e. me) as i drive a dark blue car. and funnily, he would call all blue taxis "par-parrr" as my brother drives a blue coloured taxi. so... you can imagine him going "par-parrr" again and again whenever he sees a blue cab driving by on the road.

lol!

contact me on fb

during one of the week nights, i decided to drop by fort road car park.

i wanted to take a brisk walk/ run but didn't want to head to changi business park. i decided on fort road as i was also curious what had become of the place since they cordoned off the car park areas to reconstruct the jogging path and widen the road. when i arrived, i chanced upon an old friend, someone whom i could click pretty well with many many years ago. for that matter, when i was based in the tampa florida back in 2004, he had a business trip to tallahassee and i took the effort to drive all the way up to meet him and to bring him around florida. that was almost 10 years back. since then, i occasionally chanced upon him at fort road but have not actively kept in contact with him. then again, i have lost his contact since i changed my phone some years back.

anyway, when i arrived at fort road and parked my car, i had noticed him. i noted he saw me too but didn't recognised it was him. i was checking my phone for messages when he walked to up to my car, took a look inside and exclaimed oh, it is you! i supposed he must have felt embarrassed to have tried to cruise me. he quickly walked away. nonetheless, i left my car and walked up to him. we exchanged pleasantries but he seemed pretty unenthusiastic about carrying the conversation further. i took the hint but before parting, asked for his number to keep in contact. he hesitated and said, haltingly, errr nowadays my friends contact me via facebook... well, i got the message, loud and clear. oh ok, in that case, seeya. i smiled and left that place. i didn't even go for my run. to me, that was the rudest thing to say. and for that moment, i struck him off my friend list in my mindbook...

really, life is too short for such nonsense.

ps: admittedly, i did a search for him in facebook and he cannot be found.

hunger games: mockingjay 1

went for the show last evening with bee. and i must say i did not enjoy it as much as i thought i would. perhaps it was due to all the expectations build up over time. this time round the story seemed pretty slow. but of cos, seeing things on the bright side, it was a good break.

lol!

i wanna go home

friday early evening, mum called and told me she felt very uncomfortable staying at my brother's place. and within a couple of minutes, she called again and said she wanted to come home. she related how flustered my sis-in-law was looking after her and she didn't feel good about it. 

as she said so, i was thinking - nope, i think the real meaning was because you suspected i was out with bad people. and i thought so because i sensed her paranoia when i spoke with her on thursday and again friday afternoon. she was extra curious where i was and despite telling her i was at work, she would suddenly keep quiet. that kinda reaction was something i had been used to. 

well, i simply told her i would bring her home. but she should allow me to take leave from work and get myself ready for the possibility of being sacked. with that she retracted her request to come home.  that was my last resort and i knew she would give in. she had felt uneasy for the fact that in my previous employment, my boss had told me to "sort" her out as she's a problem to my work effectiveness. and i supposed she felt a little guilty about that.

well, it worked.