leadership - people at the centre

task-oriented people take heed - when you want to restructure business and ask people to leave, on top of bottom line and staff costs, it's important (and to me, very critical) to also consider your decision's impact on team effectiveness. manage people and out-placement sensitively, otherwise the whole team breaks apart and you have more problems downstream. nett nett, you may end up spending more in rehiring, retraining and rebuilding than just the money saved from asking one person to leave...

living through a live example now.

leadership - balance

in leadership positions, effectiveness lie in balancing between task- and people-orientation. flexibility to switch style depending on who you interact with, the organization state of development, etc. and the morale of people is of utmost importance. no leaders has all the answers and at the top, if a new leader assume he has all the answers, come into the organization and treats the very senior experienced team members like kids, he may have won the battle but he has just started a long nightmare... and his credibility will be at stake.

reflection: habit 5 of effective people: seek to understand first, before being understood. start of effective interdependence between you and your team members.

one more down

domino effect is getting faster than i had expected.

remember how my new boss asked my department chief to leave? well, my chief has since tendered and had handed over the responsibilities to the deputy. and guess what? the deputy (now department head) tendered this week. and the reasons - he didn't like the way the big boss treated my department chief and didn't want to be the next to be told to leave (if ever). i wonder how people will react when i tender too since i am the next in line in terms of seniority.

hmmm...

activesg

recently, there's a new push by the government to get people to lead a healthy lifestyle. and all citizen are given sgd100 credits to enter sports complexes or book facilities for games. and as for me, i have used this almost entirely for entry into swimming pools.

but what i find most troublesome was that i have to log in using the app to purchase tickets and to gain entry/ exit. and i found simple way out... all i needed to do is to purchase my tickets in advance (they allow up to one month in advance) and then grab a screenshot of my qcode and use the pic to gain access/ exit anytime i want. 

no need to log in and out every time i needed to get the qcode!

lazy me. but well, it works!

heh...

exploratory chat

will be heading off to an exploratory chat with another company end-next week. 

looking forward to the chat.

:-)

goggles

as usual, despite being on mc, i couldn't head home. doing so would make mum suspicious and so, i did what i always do - i headed to the pool. and at the pool, there was this interesting guy.

he was rather lean and toned. muscular at places where it needed to be. very nice cut. and he wore a very small trunk that could hardly cover his butt. his butt crack was showing and his trunk had this rather interesting design and colour. it was yellow in colour and at the areas where it covers his bulge, it was shiny blue. very striking. and what's most interesting was the fact that this guy suntanned with his goggles on.

it strongly reminded me of the typical characters in japanese porn. 

haha...

mc

felt unrested or, for that matter, still exhausted and a little uneasy this morning.  and my body felt achy and i had runny nose. must be my sinus acting up again. and so, decided to give myself a break and went to see a doctor. the doctor said it could possibly be due to an impending flu and suggested that i take a good rest. 

so, i was given 2 days mc to rest.

leakages

i noted a rather worrisome sight today. the wall in the utility room that i had painted over over the last weekend has begun to show signs of mould again, and the stains are rather bad. and as per last week, it extended from the ceiling all the way to the floor. not only that, my maid told me that the kitchen floor seemed wet and she suspected that water is flowing out of the kitchen cabinet. 

i made an investigation and found that the interior of the kitchen cabinet below the sink is flooded with water. and by the look of wood that had totally warped, the pool of water must have been there for a considerable amount of time. but i half suspect that the leak is not from the sink. if it was, the mould wouldn't have appeared on the upper parts of the cabinet as well as the walls of the utility room. it could possibly be due to a hidden water pipe that runs from some water source to my kitchen sink, or worst still, from my neighbour above.

i spoke with a dear sistar (thomas is gonna kill me for this post, but well, i am so sure he'll forgive me), and he suggested that i seek the advice of my management agent. he gave some pointers about how this issue could be approached and i do really appreciate him for this. frankly, without his inputs, i would have really freaked out and get all stressed up. also, bee had also contacted a contractor to do a check. it would be a good opportunity to also do some renovation of my kitchen.

:-)

long weary weekend

it's been a long a weary weekend.

busy with all the routines, kids, and also with my mum's anxieties given that today is also the maid's off day. and added to that, brought my mum out to meet my paternal side family for lunch (organised by one of my cousins as an overseas cousin had visited and will fly off tomorrow).

i am feeling rather drained now.

think i'll just hit the sack early.

unsociable

for whatever reasons, i am just not in a sociable mood these days.

don't feel like talking, don't feel like interacting, don't feel like anything. just wanna get into myself and find my own space. it was the same at work, and it was the same with people around me, except with my mum, where i have to act normal. in this state, i don't mind people fussing over me, but don't expect me to respond. i will be very unresponsive or at best neutral in my response.

i supposed it is one of those times where i just want to be alone - which is actually not difficult cos in this state, i can be in crowded places, but i feel very alone.

afternote:

actually, when i think about it, it is not difficult to understand why i feel this way. at work, there are all sorts of weird dynamics and unsaid tensions, with the departure of my chief. and personally, i am under the stress of wanting to look for a job, having to go through the interviews, having to keep such stories to myself, and at the same time worried that with the ongoing changes, it might affect my current balance established between my work and my home. 

and at home, things seemed pretty routine although i must add that the "routineness" of this routine is somewhat unnatural cos there are many a times where smiles and relax moods are faked and you know why. and as for the people closest to me, including bee, i find it so laborious to share these details. so i keep it inside me, or at most i blog. hmmm, perhaps that is why i have so many blog posts this month!

whatever the case, it didn't change this fact - i feel lost. very lost. 

ellen without ellen

i am at home watching the ellen degeneres show. it is a delayed telecast and the singapore version is showed more than half a year later. anyway, it is not often that i watch her shows and she's out sick in today's show! i thought the show is just so different without her. well, no offence to the stand in host(ess) (haha!), but the ellen degeneres show without ellen is just not the show.

the show started 10min ago and frankly, i still thought it was a prank. i half-expect her to walk in halfway through and surprise everyone. but no, it will not happen. i did a google on her being sick and... yup, it was confirmed that she was indeed sick on that particular show.

so i simply switch the channel. hehe, this is something only a person watching a delayed telecast can do.

:-)

pic from pixar.wikia.com

renovate again?

it's been six years since i last did a renovation of my place. and i am wondering if i should do it again now. i have put off this thought sometime back but what happened over the last couple of days made me think about it again...

i mean, since last year or so, i have noted some sounds when i stepped onto some parts of my living room marble tiles. it seemed to me that the tiles were already popping out and if left un treated, it would worsen to the point where the whole flooring would be messed up. with that discovery, i had to constantly remind myself to be careful when i clean the floor. if i use too wet a mop, the water might just seep into the marble and i might end up creating a wet line in the ceiling of my neighbour downstairs. and if this happen, i could get sued by my neighbour for damaging his ceiling... i dread the thoughts of it. also, the parquet in mum's bedroom has also shown signs of wear and tear, or to be specific, water seepage. hmmm, no, to be specific, pee seepage. i noted mum has had many occasions where she peed onto the parquet floor and sometime last year, she peed onto the floor and the urine was left over a prolonged period of time. and by the time i noticed it, some of the urine had already gone in between the parquet tiles. 

last couple of days, i noted the chinese painting my sis bought for me had turned mouldy. and when i took it down and looked at it, i realised the painting was wet and the mould had grown so much that it was sporing, both inside and outside the frame! ewwwww... i am still wondering how the water manage to get into the painting! and this morning, when my maid wanted to clean the small room in the kitchen, she saw the wall all mouldy. she showed it to me and also pointed out that the kitchen cabinets are also beginning to show signs of getting warped. in addition, she also pointed to water dripping from behind the kitchen cabinet. hmmm... i did a check on all the water pipes around the kitchen but could trace no leakage. regardless, there seemed to be some water seeping through the wall of sorts. anyway, i simply told her to wipe the mouldy wall clean and dry it. and once it was done, i painted it over with a few layers of fungus-resistant emulsion paint.

it seemed like the house has lots of wear and tear. but to be fair, the house is over 16 years old. i moved in in 1998 and i have not done any major renovations, except for a minor polishing of the floor and painting of the walls after my dad's demise 6 years ago. so i think it is high time i do some good renovations now. but i am so unwilling to spend my money on it...

lol!

post-interview thoughts

i must admit that i have been wondering and thinking about my answers to the competency-based leadership interview questions. hmmm... should i have answered it another way? did i use the wrong word? did i give a negative image of myself?... and after the interview, i asked the company if i could get a report. i got a rather curt reply: "we will debrief you and show you the report only upon hire." that didn't sound like a friendly reply if you ask me. no "hi", "thanks", "regrets", etc. why did the person reply this way? did i not sense him correctly when he interviewed me? quite a few questions went through my head. but...

heh heh... i guess this is me. i think too much. i should really really learn to go with the flow and just move on. what's over is over. if the job is mine, they'll make an offer. otherwise, it is not the end of the world.

hmmm.

road ahead

the road is paved with obstacles, or opportunities. you decide, you define, you pave your way ahead.

ahhhh... this is so random.

haha!

pic from http://areyouahuman.com

network

been awhile since i last did this, i surfed around facebook today. and as i surfed, and as i looked at my friend's postings, i couldn't help but notice how everyone continues to be supported by their network of buddies through the years. something i have consciously been denying and building my walls.

and i shall not look back.

:-)

rude teenage worker @ pw

i did not hesitate to tell off a young guy earlier. it was not usual of me to do so, but i was so bloody pissed off by his behaviour.

we were at parkway parade basement and i was walking ahead of my maid as she pushed mum on her wheelchair. and i heard someone shouted "excuse me, excuse me". i turned around and saw a teenage guy pushing the rubbish bin. he was shouting for my maid to give way to him and he had this cheeky grin on his face. i was annoyed. annoyed not becos of his smug face but for the fact that the walkway was more than 5-6m wide and as my maid was in the middle of the walkway, there was huge spaces on both the left and right of the wheelchair. and for that matter, huge enough for the guy to comfortably push his rubbish bin through.

i didn't care for the fact that there were other people around who kept quiet and gave way to him. it was clear to me he was either plain lazy and possibly trying to make fun/ pressure my maid. i immediately stopped my maid, stared at that guy and told him off firmly "hey! you don't ever get a wheelchair to give way to you understand?! and also, the space on the side is so wide you should just use it!" 

my response caught many fellow shoppers by surprise and they stared at me. as for my maid, she looked fearful of me for that moment. as for the guy, he too was taken aback, he stopped, looked at me for a split second as i told him off, and he simply pushed the bin to the side and walked passed me. i stared hard at him as he made his way pass me. and once he passed me, he apologized and quickly continued his way.

darned! kids these days need to learn some good manners.

reflecting my blog

my blog is important to me. at times, it is my only outlet. i allows me to say what's on my mind, things that i may not necessarily say in person, even to the people closest to me. it might be a tat negative most of the times but that is how i am. i tend to write more when i am down. so, my blog provides a window into my life. it also allows me to learn about myself. and from this reflections, i often discover where i fall short. and i try to improve.

and so, my blog is about me. but i qualify. it does not capture everything about me cos on top what the more negative postings, i also have my innermost secrets that i am not comfortable to open up in this blog. we are all entitled to our private space. but this blog is as authentic as it can be about me. as unadulterated as it can ever get. it is an extension of me.

and while i capture my thoughts in this blog, i also recognise the blogosphere is open to the public. and i appreciate people who share their comments. it is not expected of them but to have readers put in a comment or two. some shared that they were able to take away some life's lessons from my experiences. i was glad they could. and for some, they shared their advice voluntarily. it showed they care. it showed they are concerned about me. i am thankful to them.

it has been close to a decade since i started blogging. apart from my family and my dog, this is the only thing that has continue to stay beside me. and i am seeing annual patterns coming out of the blog. patterns that mirror closely the major festivals and celebrations. also also patterns of behaviours. and from these patterns, i continue to learn. about myself, about the people around me. 

i have grown with it. and it has grown with me.

this is my blog.

showing concern

it is not important what you think or feel about people, but rather what you do to make people feel that you care and feel about them that is important. and also, while you can do as much as you can, it is also equally important to be focused and targeted in what you do. know what is important to that person and do what you need to do. it is important to do it such that the person feels it, sees it, hears it, etc. 

love, care, concern, trust, etc... it involves more than just one party. 

and it takes two (at least) to tango.

agree?

my name

curious and crazy enough to do a facebook check on who has the same name as me. i see quite a few and interestingly, i noted there were a couple of females too. then i did another search using my full name and found one! initial reaction was - ewwwww... why look liddat one? everything so totally opposite from me. then after a few moments, my reaction change - vanity sets in - whew! i am more suave, hamsum, glam, miao tiao, young-at-heart... heng ahhhh...

muahahah! ok, i was mean and shouldn't have said all those things above. i apologise.

i must be going crazy waiting for weekend to come!

omg, record-breaking

omg! i just realised i had crossed the 80th blog entries for this month and it is the highest ever for me on a per month basis since i started blogging in 2005. gosh... how the hell did i have so many thoughts to capture? or was it that i was just too free? lol! by the looks of things and if this trend were to continue, 2014 will be the highest number of blog for the year too. eeks!

haha... 

competency-based leadership interview

yup, this was what i went through today. and the interview lasted a good 2hr 45min. it was so draining having to answer the questions one after another. and all the questions were open-ended. some questions seemed rather straight forward, but many-a-times i had to interpret and frame the questions myself.

and as i had wanted to from the start, i wanted to just be natural and share what comes to mind. be authentic, i told myself. this way, whichever and however way the interview is analysed, the outcome would help people know me as me. no pretence. if i can achieve that, and if i were to be eventually hired, it would contribute to team effectiveness.

glad i survived the long interview. been a long time since i last had such a long telephone conversation with anyone!

:-)

blood!

i brought mum for a western dinner today and ordered chicken for her while i got myself a nice slab of beef. and i asked for my beef to be done medium rare.

i kinda regretted it a little when the meat came. no, it's not that the meat was not nice. it was good actually. i regretted a little becos when i cut a slice out of it and saw the blood ooze out, i immediately got reminded of my bad experience over biting my own tongue yesterday.  eeeewwww... my mind went. blood! and even before i placed the beef in my mouth, i tasted my own blood. fresh from the deep gash created by my molars last evening. of cos, it was my mind playing tricks on me. but yeah, that was the momentary flash of senses that made me pause a little bit when i started my dinner.

then again, after that short few seconds, i decided to just numb myself a bit by gulping a large mouthful of red wine, and then go ahead and enjoy my dinner. 

:-)

hidden messages?

i cannot help but wondered if china had build-in lots of hidden messages when they staged the youth olympics. and i said this particularly, when a performer sang halo by beyoncé during the closing ceremony. the performance screamed "hey, you guys in the states can do it, but we in china can do the same, and perhaps better!".

then again, i could be just a little too sensitive. but yeah, i was highly impressed with the pomp and the grandeur of the way the youth olympics was organised and staged. it came across as no different from any other olympics that we are so used to. very polished, very grand, and very majestic.

:-)

train advertisement

i find the idea of pasting photos of swimmer swimming in lanes on the floor of the subway very novel and interesting. this was something done in nanjing as part of the nanjing youth olympics. but when i looked at the picture, some quick thoughts shot through my mind and made me smile... 

admittedly, the first thing i noticed when i looked at the picture was - ooo, the armpit hairs. it was something natural for human beings, but not something natural that people would want to expose to in such public displays. perhaps it was just china, my mind quickly concluded. i smiled to myself.

and the second thing that went through my mind was - ooo, everybody can literally step onto the privates of the male swimmers! ok, ok, admittedly, this is probably something that gay men are a little more sensitised to compared to straight men. hmmm, or was it just me?

whatever... 

:-)

asking the right questions

i would check with mum whether she is full every evening when we do our routine shopping trips post-dinner. and as always, despite gorging herself silly at times, she would tell me that she dare not eat too full as my granddad had advised her against doing so for dinner. her response would amuse me and at times, irk me as it was illogical. but i have gotten used to it over time and have assumed that becos of her dementia, it would be impossible to get a real response from her. but i was not. 

last week, i tried a new questioning technique. rather than asking if she was full, i reversed the logic and asked if she was hungry. this time round, she answered that she was very full, so full that she couldn't eat anymore. i repeated the same question another day when i reduced the amount of food for her and she simply said she was just full. these answers seemed closer to what i expect cos based on the amount she took, i was able to gauge how full she was.

i find this change in tact and the response that i got rather interesting. importantly, i have learned that to get a correct response, i need to know how to ask the right questions first. and although she has dementia, her chain of thought can be influenced by the angling of my questions.

:-)

ouch!

i took too big a bite during dinner and ended up biting my own tongue and it bled, and bled, and bled. it's been more than 2 hour since dinner and i am still bleeding.

ouch!

dress too short

i am not female, am no fashion critique, nor do i follow fashion trends. but i do think i have a certain sense of fashion when it comes to what women wear. 

and when i saw a woman wearing a daintly looking dress that is a tat too small and short for her, and having the waist of the dress slightly below her breasts... it seemed totally wrong.

haha... ok, that was just me. bitchy me.

:-)

happy maid

i bought the air tickets for my domestic helper to return to her home country in dec. cost me close to 300 dollars. there was no such requirement to do it, but i thought it was the right thing to do. all things being equal, she had taken relatively good care of mum. and as a mother and a daughter herself, she would miss her son and her family. it would also be a nice way to end her first year employment with me. so this trip can be seen as a bonus of sorts.

could see she was rather cheered up whole evening. and needless to say, mum was all so suspicious about the whole "letting the maid go home" issue. kept asking what i gave the maid, what did the maid do, what did... all sorts of questions that reflected her insecurity and paranoia. 

need to find ways to manage mum when the maid returns home for 10 days. then again, let's worry about that closer to time.

:-)

mum-son separation

mum’s mental condition seemed to have taken a turn for the worst these two days. she’s been very confused and forgetful.

last evening, when i arrived home, she told me her office (the rehabilitation center) had issued a letter for me to sign and asked if this letter was to formalize our “separation”. she seemed pretty convinced that people from her office, together with the maid, wanted to “separate” us. kinda weird to me. i probed further and learnt that the rehabilitation center had indeed given me a letter through her. it was a letter seeking consent to bring her for an outing. i explained the content to her but she refused to go. she insisted it was not something good and that she should not partake in. i could understand why if i were to frame things from her point of view. she was afraid that by agreeing, she could possibly be agreeing to a “separation”. i assured her that no one can possibly force a separation between a mother and her son, to which she said people could have been jealous of the closeness of the mother-son bond that she has with me and thus wanted to separate us.

to allay her fears, i had to explain how the rehabilitation center would rotate residents for such events and that it would be her turn to head out now. giving residents the letter of consent was a routine process and that she should not be too worried about it. and to further calm her down, i told her that the invite for the outing was extended to her by the patron venerable of the rehabilitation center and thus she should not have to worry about breaking the mother-son bond or for that matter, not having vegetarian food. temples and monks do not do such stuff, i explained. well, technically, i was not lying to her cos the rehabilitation center was opened by a buddhist organisation. i could see her calming down after that although she forgot about my explanations and repeatedly asked me to throw the letter of consent away.

added to that, she was not happy that the rehabilitation center had briefed the maid and given the letter to her instead of getting to her (mum) direct. i checked with the maid and the maid explained that that was not the case. accordingly, the rehabilitation center staff had given the letter to mum personally but had instead briefed her about the content. this incident reminded me of something similar previously. but this time round, it was a little more difficult considering mum was also confused at the same time. i simply told the maid that in future, if there’re gonna be any letter or things that the center wants to give, they should give it to mum and to brief her direct and not to her (the maid).

on hindsight, i think mum could have been confused last evening by the tv serial she was watching. she could have possibly confused the show with reality. and this, coupled with the sun down effect, could have made her irrational and behaved the way she did. that was how mum had always been acting every evening.

funeral?

over the past couple of weeks, a local taxi company had had figurines of a phoenix placed on top of it. i had initially thought it was something else but i managed to grab a closer look at it when one drove passed me over the weekend. it was indeed a phoenix and it was used as an advertisement for sentosa's newest attractions - wings of times.

i felt a little uneasy about it. perhaps it was just me, too old fashion and haven't moved with time. but having a phoenix on top of a vehicle just reminded me so much of a traditional taoist funeral hearse of a female deceased. accordingly, for taoists, when a male passes away, the top of his funeral hearse would be decorated with a lion. a phoenix would be used in place of a lion if the deceased was female. that was what my family had for my grandparents when they passed away years ago. i thought this advertisement was done in very bad taste, and of cos, rather insensitive and disrespectful to the taoist religion.

my work day

i spent a large part of my day doing housekeeping at work today.

cleared my old emails, organised my files and transferred most of my stuff from my laptop into the server. and by the end of the day, i had a very clean-looking desktop screen and hardly anything on my hard drive. it almost felt like i had tendered and had only a day left. heh! then again, it was not a very healthy thing right? considering i have not even have tendered my resignation. or for that matter, not even gotten a new job!

lol!

no live prawns

my brother brought the whole family out for dinner saturday and we went to a seafood restaurant. and as usual, he wasn't familiar with restaurant fare and asked me to pick the dishes from the menu. his only input was that he wanted prawns, chilli crab, shark's fun, cold dish... well, seemed like he already knew what he wanted. hmmm...

anyway, i simply ordered a set menu with an additional ala carte chilli crab. but when i looked at the details in the set menu, there was an item that made me very uncomfortable - poached live prawns. hmmm, this was something that i had stopped taking since i took my buddhist vows. i no longer take anything that had to be killed specifically for me, especially poached live prawns at seafood restaurants. i do not like the idea of the restaurant hauling up a netful of live prawns, place them in a bowl, display them to you as the prawns jump, and mix a concoction of herbs into the prawns in front of you as you look on, before bringing the bowl in to cook them. 

i asked if my brother wanted to change the dish to which he looked at me, bewildered, and commented "you must be crazy, why would anyone not want to eat prawns?" he wouldn't understand my tensions as his framing and attitudes towards religion, specifically buddhism, was totally different from mine. so for me at that very moment, i was in a mental dilemma. my mind was going through a debate over how i should proceed. in the end, i decided to ask the waiting staff, who was standing beside me awaiting my order if we could replace that with any other dishes that kids would enjoy to which the waiting staff rattled off a list of how they could cook the prawns. my brother looked on as i asked. hmmm, looked like i couldn't escape the prawns in front of my brother. so i simply told them to prepare cereal prawns and whispered to the waiting staff - and i don't want any live prawns. i said we are buddhist and do not take anything that was killed specifically for us. thankfully, the staff understood and went off. no live prawn was presented and the prawn dish that was served was delicious, although my brother commented that the prawns were not fresh.

overall, i thought it was a very decent dinner but my brother had different views. he commented post-dinner that the food was not too nice. it was an interesting comment, considering how he heaped praises after praises whenever a dish was served. his comments didn't bother me. i just enjoyed the food and i was glad i managed to work around the prawny issue.

:-)

what a sunday 2

nothing irks me more than feeling like i don't have a control over things. i mean, i am already irked by my having to throw all my time and freedom away looking after mum, and i have come to terms with it. but to have to, on top of that, feel totally out of control of my weekend was a little too uncomfortable for me. and this was how i felt today when everything went haywire and one thing after another, it happened. and every incident was unplanned, last minute and totally out of the blue. here's what happened...

after the stupid morning's uncomfortable incident with the maid, we came home. and as i had promised mum, i dyed her hair. once i completed applying the dye, i told her to leave it on for half hour. and in that meantime, i headed out to wash my car. i came back later and found mum still having her hair unwashed. i thought it was unusual and asked the maid how come mum had not showered. the maid retorted, ah ma don't want, she said 15min later! luckily she did not sound rude, else i would have scolded her. anyway, i told mum to shower and she did.

then my eldest sis (the one that refused to acknowledge me) called. and before i knew it, mum said she wanted to visit the singapore flower festival. wtf, i had not planned for this and, for that matter, had make it a point not to bring her there cos it would be too crowded and my previous experiences with such festivals was that it would be very artificial and not worth the while. but this time, with my eldest sis's suggestion, my mum has asked me to bring her there instead! wtf! and so, with this last minute input, i had to adjust my plans about bringing her to my brother's place. to allow sufficient time for the festival, i decided not to bring her to my brother's place.

so i went to my bedroom and went online to check things out. and when i walk out of my bedroom, i found myself stepping a wet walkway. and then i realised mum had peed all over the walkway while walking to the toilet. damned! my feet was all wet with her piss. got the maid to clean it up and wipe my feet dry. i proceeded to buy the tickets online but never expected that i have to print the tickets and bring them along. and when i wanted to print the tickets, i found my printer out of ink. damned. never mind. control, control. i decided to just head to the location and show them my iphone email as proof of purchase. 

and then my sis-in-law called up. what time would you be coming? she asked. i told her i will be bringing mum to the flower festival and thus will not be heading there. and then she said she needed to head out to get some fruits and needed me to look after her kids. damned! ok, ok, i'll arrive by 3pm in that case. will adjust my plans again and bring mum to the festival later. and so, i brought mum to my bro's place. and as i was driving there, mum said she's hungry and wanted to have some food. damned! timings to change again. never mind, never mind. and so, i brought her out for a late late lunch/ afternoon tea. and after the food and all, i finally arrived at my brother's place.

i need to take your car to buy fruits. my brother told me. sighs, what more can irk me right? go on take it. i told him. he and his wife went off and returned close to 5pm. during that time i took a quick nap and when i woke up, i found the stupid maid preparing dinner. wtf, i thought, i wanted to bring mum out for dinner followed by the festival. ok, never mind, since i didn't tell her my plans... my fault. ok, change plan again. and just as i was about to eat dinner, my brother threw me another bombshell. help me do the 7th month prayer, i need to head out... ok, i said. surprise me, my head said. arghhh... i had my dinner and went down to do the prayers. my niece insisted on following and i brought her along. 

i did the prayers and as i was waiting for my turn to burn the joss paper, my niece told me she needed to pee. argh! wtf! ok, ok, i shall bring you home to pee ya? as i brought her up, my brother told me his wife and family wanted to follow me to the flower festival. oh.... ok, let me burn the joss paper first, and i'll get the tickets online for them too... and so i hurriedly went downstairs to burn the joss paper. and even before i finished burning the papers, my sis-in-law, maid and mum etc all came down. ready to go. huh? wtf, i have not even bought the tickets! go upstairs again, go upstairs again!...

yup, you get it. it was one after another non-stop. what was reflected above was only up till about 6pm. the spontaneity of things went on till before i hit my bed. full of such last minute things that i had to react too. all unplanned and all too spontaneous. not very pleasant for me. totally.

i am lying in bed and am so totally dead beat now...

i just wanna sleep...

good night.

what a sunday 1

i think my bazhi (literally, eight characters or also known as "birth/ star signs") clashed with my maid's today. we had so many uncomfortable moments today, moments where i could possibly lash out at her if i wanted, if i had not held my cool.

we went to the market this morning and i brought my mum to for her breakfast. we went to another store and i asked the maid to proceed to buy coffee from the usual store that we patronise. she looked unhappy, took the money and left. then she came back 5 minutes later empty handed and told me the store was closed. i asked her to go to another store and she gave me this wtf look. ok, i simply took it she was unhappy. she went for a long while, so long that my mum and i had finished out breakfast. i went to look for her and found her at another store queuing up. i was like, wtf! there're so many stores and you must go to one that has a super long queue! but i didn't say anything. 

she went back, took the breakfast i bought for her, and then complained that it was too oily. darned! that was what you usually eat and today, you complained its too oily. never mind, just take a piece of tissue and squeeze the oil out i told her. she finished her breakfast and we went about doing our grocery shopping. and she seemed to be in a world of her own. taking her own sweet time as she pushed mum's wheelchair. and once, she lost me and i had to backtrack to trace her whereabouts. never mind, i thought to myself, perhaps it was just me. i need to hold my cool. and then, as i was walking, she pushed the wheelchair into me. the wheelchair hit my right archilles tendon and i squirmed in pain. never mind, i just told her not to walk too close to me and simply forgot about the issue.

all the while, i simply assumed it was the time of the month for her and thus she was a little distracted and perhaps edgy. and then this evening, as i was walking with my niece and nephew at the garden's by the bay, she once again crashed the wheelchair into me. and once again, it crashed into my right archilles tendon. this time round, i couldn't take it anymore. i stared at her and she simply apologised and said she didn't notice me as she was enjoying the scenery and looking up at the flowers. darned! i thought as i told her sharply, when you walk with a  wheelchair, for goodness sake, pay attention to the front and don't look all over the place! how can you hit me twice in a day like that!?! in my mind, i was thinking, wtf, you are a maid and i pay you to push ah ma along, not to enjoy the outing like as though you are part of the family. yup, i was just that mad. but of cos i didn't say it out that way. it would be a tat too insensitive if i were to scream that out.

i think she got my message. after that she kept a distance from me.

i (heart) my daddy

was on my way home from work this evening and as i entered my condo rear gate, i saw a daddy guiding his toddler daughter as she tried to walk and explore the estate. wohhh, such a cute daddy! i thought. and i noted that the daughter was wearing a tee-shirt that says: 

and i thought to myself: "yes, darling, i love your daddy too..."

haha... i am so beyond hope!

lol!

leader test

just when i thought things are over, the person who first interviewed me asked me to take some sort of test next week. 2-hour long telephone interview to assess some leadership stuff. hmmm... i never like such things. feel so exposed. to me, information from such tests are best used for self-awareness and not for any recruitment purpose.

but i supposed they have their protocols, concerns and data points that they want to check. so be it. lets go through the process and see how it goes.

hmm...

mental preparation

have been mentally preparing mum about my possible career transition.

started sometime last month where i started talking about looking for jobs. mum was obviously not too open to it and kept saying i should not change my job as changing jobs are not good. i can understand her concerns but it was based on fear and not logic. i assured her that things were ok and that job search is something everyone does all the time. i did not go on further.

two weeks ago, i talked about it again and this time, i angled the topic from a different angle. i talked about how insecure the office environment is and that it would be in everyone's interest to have a "plan b" in case they are told to leave. mum did not respond much other than saying something along the lines of "how come my boss is so cruel". i left the topic as it was. i reckoned she wouldn't understand the details even if i were to explain to her.

this week, i started telling her about going for interviews. and she said something about making sure i secure the job before resigning. well, her input kinda suggest to me that she is opening up to the idea of changing job. i agreed and assure her that i will not leave my current job before i secure another job. i added that many of my colleagues had been asked to leave and many had no jobs at hand and thus, i am being proactive for my own sake. she kept quiet but seemed rather ok about it.

the few weeks of preparation seemed to go relatively well and she had not shown signs of anxiety. let's hope she maintains this way...

:-)

feeling good

met up with the second level reporting manager and had a very good and fruitful chat. it stretched more than an hour and a half and certainly provided both of us a good understanding of where the gaps are in the company and how i can value-add to the company. there was an interesting question asked - why did you choose this company? to which i answered, most frankly and naturally that i did not, and that until very recently, i had not even thought about joining this industry. 

the boss was surprised with my being so frank about it. i explained that i was recommended for the role by an ex-colleague and after hearing from the various stakeholders, i do understand that my experience and expertise fit what they are looking for. i added that i would therefore, need some time to get to know the industry context better to provide solutions that are meaningful and relevant. i supposed my answers to the questions asked managed to impress the boss and that the chemistry was very good. it was very casual, yet targeted and focused (at least from my perspective), very focused, if i may add.

i walked out of the chat feeling very good. i was able to carry the conversation in a very targeted manner and continually and consistently build my case with regards how my experiences and expertise are relevant to them. the boss mentioned that they will get in touch with me again and perhaps arrange for me to speak with a few more people to allow me to understand the industry better. the chat ended with the boss saying something along the line of buying me out if need be. 

as it stands, the mood is very good but i constantly remind myself not to be overly optimistic about it. as shown in my previous experience with another company, i had lots of positive inputs but after 9 months, i was told they would take in an internal candidate instead of me. so...

:-)

heaty

i have been feeling very warm inside. and this has been so for the past week plus. its the kind of feeling that chinese would refer to as "heaty", or too much yang energy. and whenever i feel this way, i will get dry parched throat, mouth ulcers, deep red lips, body aches. and it didn't matter if i drink and hydrate myself...

by experience, this should last another week or so and i will be well.

:-)

natural

i am too exhausted this evening to do any preparation or reading up for tomorrow's chat.

i shall simply go in, be natural and present myself in the most authentic manner. let me just share openly and speak whatever comes to my mind. no need to think through too much and try to say what i think they want me to say.

what-you-see-is-what-you-get.

let's see how it goes.

:-)

exhausted

i conducted a day-long training today. and i supposed it was becos i did not sleep well last night, i felt so so exhausted by the end of the day i couldn't complete my walk home. 

i left office a little earlier and by the time i reached the bench at the park (the bench at the cruisy park... haha!), i felt so exhausted i couldn't go further. the weather was so hot and humid and my whole body literally felt as though it was breaking apart. my face felt like as though it was oozing oil and i felt so terribly drained. i decided to lie down on the bench. it didn't bother me that i was in my executive wear and it was in the middle of a park. i was just too tired.

once i lied down, i could feel each and every piece of bone in my body ache and i felt a wave of relief as my body touched the bench. i noted it was 5.40pm - a tat too early to arrive home. in that state of body and mind, i was totally not in the correct state to manage mum if she were to ask me why i arrived early. i closed my eyes and drifted off for the moment. momentarily, i felt the world turn around me. when i opened my eyes next, it was 6.10pm. i had dozed off. 

i picked myself up. i felt little better and dragged myself home. i felt better after a cold cold bath and took mum out for dinner. i think i'll sleep early tonight. and before that, i'll take 2 panadol.

hopefully, i'll feel better when i wake up tomorrow. 

i need to get myself ready for the second chat.

:-)

final life's lesson

a friend from my platoon commander days shared this with me recently during a dinner. i totally agree with him. he said:

"when i get frustrated with my mother, who now suffers from late stage dementia, i remind myself that that is how she is trying to make use of her last stage in life to teach me her final and perhaps most important life's lesson - patience and compassionate love."

his mother is now no different from a vegetable person. she is almost non-responsive totally and she is sustained via tube feeding through her nose.

his advice had been a source of strength to me and a good reminder that what i am experiencing is also being experienced by others, and that there are resources out there that i can fall back to should i need help.

:-)

used condoms (again)

remember the post where i included a picture of some used and discarded condoms? that was taken sometime early-mid last year when i first started work in my current company. i walked to work and had to walk through a park that was frequented by gay men and had noticed quite a number of such items thrown onto the footpath indiscriminately.

recently, i noted the park had gotten rather messy. all the overgrown grass and lots of rubbish strewn all over the place. it seemed like the local agencies had not been sending in the grass cutters and the cleaners. not a very nice sight. but all these changed 2 weeks ago when hordes of bangla workers descended onto the park in the evenings. they were picking rubbish, cutting the overgrown grass, and even pulling out weeds. the whole space looked really clean now.

and i got curious. far as i know, this place is still frequented by gayman. and if the behaviour had not changed, we should theoretically continue to see used condoms right? but nope. that was not the case. i had been walking through the park still and i don't see them anymore... and my curiosity got the better of me. i decided to take a peek into the dustbin after work today - the one beside the notorious bench where most encounters occur. and... yup, here's the picture...

now, taking a look at it now, i agree. it looked gross and i was really crazy to have done what i did... ewww to myself! but... haha... 

i was crazy alright.

and gross...

pioneer generation package

mum received a package in the mail box today.

it was send by the government and signed off by the prime minister. and in it was a card. a card that awards her with the privileges of a member of the pioneer generation. i appreciate the fact that the prime minister had taken the step to include a personal touch by penning the message and signing it. as for mum, she was happy and excited to know that she now enjoys additional medical subsidies and annual topping up of her medisave account by the government.

:-)

too smooth?

this time round the whole job search process has been smooth. in fact, so smooth that i am feeling a little uneasy about it. lol!

this morning, after the "chat", i went back to office and first thing i did was to update my boss about it. the first thing my boss asked was - how did you feel about the outcome? and i shared that i felt very excited. she congratulated me for the good chat and heaved a sigh of relief. she said she could sense the excitement and see the sparkle in my eyes, something that she had not seen for a while and added very quickly that she felt a little more at ease now. she had all these while consistently said she felt rather apologetic about leaving me. this was similar to what my previous head had mentioned too. she added an interesting input - that good things happen to good people. and that the smooth process is a result of the good i have done. she went on to give me several additional coaching on how to carry the conversation with the interviews moving ahead.

really felt blessed to have such good bosses, bosses whom i can perhaps refer to now as friends.

:-)

smooth start

well, the first round of chat went well. it lasted close to an hour and half, and if not for a call from the secretary, the chat would have gone longer than that. will be meeting up with the next level boss this coming wednesday.

hoping for the best!

eagle

after having the lyrics in my blog for the longest time ever, i realised i have not posted the youtube here yet. and yesterday, as i created a picture for my facebook background, i took a look at the lyrics again and it struck me that perhaps i have subconsciously been wanting to be free... free from all sorts of things...

well. what came to mind in my immediate circumstances is - perhaps i wanted to be free from my mum? yes? no? the answer is no, but i think somewhere in my head at some point of time, i do want to be completely free from her. for a short moment.

anyway, here's the complete lyrics to the song.

"eagle"

they came flying from far away, now i'm under their spell

i love hearing the stories that they tell

they've seen places beyond my land and they've found new horizons

they speak strangely but i understand

and i dream i'm an eagle

and i dream i can spread my wings

flying high, high, i'm a bird in the sky

i'm an eagle that rides on the breeze

high, high, what a feeling to fly

over mountains and forests and seas

and to go anywhere that i please

as all good friends we talk all night, and we fly wing to wing

i have questions and they know everything

there's no limit to what i feel, we climb higher and higher

am i dreaming or is it all real?

is it true i'm an eagle?

is it true i can spread my wings?

flying high, high, i'm a bird in the sky

(i'm an eagle)

i'm an eagle that rides on the breeze

high, high, what a feeling to fly

(what a feeling)

over mountains and forests and seas

and to go anywhere that i please

meeting for a "chat"

i will be heading out tomorrow to meet up with a potential employer.

this guy was referred by my ex-head. since leaving my company, this person had gone on to contract with another company and had shared with the boss there about the possibility of hiring me. apparently, i understand that they needed some fixing of their hr-related systems there and he had mentioned about me. i had since given him my résumé for their considerations.

to cut the long story short, the boss called me up and have arranged for me to meet up with him tomorrow. 

lets see how things go. 

telling (white) lies

been telling mum lies in order to prevent her from going bonkers... and in doing so, to maintain some form of sanity for myself, and the people around me. all these are seemingly against the vows that i took when i took refuge (in buddhism).

but i have reconciled the whole thing with the idea of intentionality. not telling lies is a principle that now serves to guide me as i live my life. but if i have to do so in the better interest of people, i will not hesitate to do it. in life, things are not so clear after all. there are black and white. and there are lots of shades of grey. 

she's awake!

its 10.55pm and mum is awake...

awake as in "woken up from her sleep"-awake and not "have not slept"-awake. and she has made her way to the living room sofa again. darned! anyway, have gone out and given her 2 sleeping pills. let's hope she goes back to sleep again.

wtf!