post-uni life, personal life

i would classify the years from 1991 to about 1996 as my post-uni life. those where the years where i lived a double life. a closeted gayman that couldn't accept my own sexuality yet lusting for men. i came out in 1996. and the rest was history. anyway for the period from 1991 to 1996, it was interesting how my life was a blur especially for my personal front. i supposed apart from being pre-occupied with work (which i will write about sometime), i was also actively suppressing myself due to my inability to accept my own sexuality. thinking back, i thought it was a little regretable but well, workwise, i guessed i was simply living that particular phase of my life (and i believe most people lived their life similarly too). so, in this post, i shall try to capture some aspects of that few years that i can recall.

- i graduated after 4 years of uni with an honours degree in botany in jul 1991. i suffered a serious case of burned out towards the last weeks of my uni just before my exams. i literally had a bad case of gastric problem and collapse in the middle of my lab experiment. my supervisor had to demand that i stop/ close my experiments and start to finish up my dissertation. after the honours year exams, i ended up with a bad case of memory loss. i actually couldn't remember a lot of things. and after that for a good 2 years, i had problems remembering things. it was like as though my memory space had max-ed out. i slowly recover my ability to recall things only after 2 plus years.

- as i mentioned, most of my time revolved around work (i would at times head to work as early as 6-ish am, and did not return till past midnight over a long stretch of period). this was especially so during my first tour. after my first tour when i was posted to gombak, i started to have some time to myself. and that was when i started to do things that i never did before...

- i started learning to dance. social dance for that matter. i enrolled myself in a class in marine parade community center. my teacher was this guy called charles. he was so campy that i thought he was gay... but well, i learned later that he was married. anyway, i enjoyed the classes so much that i continued into the intermediate class after i "graduated" from my basic class. and even after that, i went back and became a assistant dance instructor to my dance teacher.

- my love for dancing started from this and that was how i eventually adopted "dancer" as my nick. and i suffix it with a "66" as these numbers reflect my year of birth.

- i cannot recall if i mentioned this in my earlier post, but i first discovered fort road when i did my third year's science project at the east coast fort road drain. that was where i got to know about the happenings in fort road and the whole vicinity. after being posted to hq when i started having more time to myself, i started to visit fort road again. and that became kinda a norm for me for a long time to come. thinking back, my frequenting of fort road and the beaches there perhaps kept me from further socializing with friends. anyway... it opened me out to more people in the gay circle.

- a huge part of my personal life was also spent with my camp buddies. and some of the interesting things i experienced include heading to merchinta (not too sure if this is how it is spelt) and spending the night there with bargirls (or dance girls or whatever they are called). it was weird for me. being a first timer, i did not know how the rules go and ended up calling number after number. i think i asked for at least 5 numbers through the night. and when i was about to leave, all of them returned to me and i was suddenly swarmed with girls literally crawling all over me! i ended up having to tip them for their services! it was a lousy but interesting experience.

- also, that was the period when r-rated movies started in singapore. and me and my buddy (this particular guy from the other company) often rode (i was riding a rx-motorbike) to bedok theatres to watch r-rated movies. it was literally soft porn. frankly, i was more turned on by the guys than the women... heh heh... but of cos my buddy didn't know... :-)

- i tried dating a girl called "jasmine" during those days. she was introduced to me by some of my army friends. but somehow, despite going out with her quite a few times, i couldn't even get myself to hold her hands. she was more of a buddy to me than a girlfriend. and i was quite sure she felt the same. there was just simply no bf-gf chemistry and in the end, she called off the "relationship"... and when she did so, i actually felt relieved rather than sad... heh heh...

- i bought my first car in 1993 (if i recall correctly). that was before i was posted to gombak and i thought it wouldn't look too right for a "senior"-rank person like me to be riding a bike to work. it was a 2-yr old second hand honda civic from a second hand car dealer in macpherson. sbj5677m. i eventually sold it before it reached 5 years of age and bought a brand new nissan sunny in early-1996. sce5248h. i drove this car for about 9 years before i eventually scrapped it in mid-2004. i changed to a newer model nissan sunny. i eventually changed to my current car in 2005 when i was outed by my office. this was to safeguard myself and to reduce my monthly expenses if i had to leave service at a short notice.

- as i mentioned, the years up to 1996 was almost fully occupied with work. and to a large extend, becos of my highly classified work, i learned not to socialize. it was partly also to safeguard myself. how can i possibly expose myself to people if i could only be referred to as a code for my email address at work? it was something that was hard to reconcile and the only way i could do so was to make a deliberate attempt to keep myself away from my overt social circle. the anonymity i enjoy in the gay circle and the fact that i was highly closeted at that time kinda fit together...

- i saved a huge part of my earnings during those years. and by 1996, i had saved enough to want to look for a property. everyone seemed to be doing so during that period. and i was so bloody naive at that time and i did not know anything about the property market. all i knew was the prices were spiralling like crazy. i met a friend at east coast park during one of my evening runs and he advised me to quickly get a property before the price went beyond my reach. i took his advise and bought my current property. one year later in 1997, the property market crashed. well, it was a hard lesson but i supposed to me, it was a paper loss cos today, the price has somewhat recovered. but i paid a heavy price for this lesson.

- ok, shall stop here... not too sure what else i can write... actually, it is rather sad to note that i cannot really think of a lot of things to write...

hmmmm....

impending overseas trips

this month will be the longest month for bee and i. ever since he started with his new job, we hardly have time for ourselves. he would be working almost daily till pass 10pm. even saturdays and sundays. and weekends for us now would be doing our work and meeting only after he knocked off for a quick dinner before heading home to rest.

and added to this hectic schedule is the fact that we both are expecting to do business travels occasionally. for example, tomorrow, he will be leaving for a business trip to kl and he will be away till this sunday. and next monday, i will be on a business trip to middle east for 2 weeks...

seemed like we have lesser and lesser time together.

sighs...

positive vs negative energies

my office was so peaceful over the last week while the previous boss was away in states. i took over him in the midst of his absence. and the office was really a cheery place to be. people are all smiley and cheerful. and today, he got back. and i could sense the negative energy straight away. everyone was so tensed up. there seemed to be an air of hostility. everyone seemed to be scuttering around doing what they were doing. everyone seemed a little disturbed knowing that he is back. it does not matter that he is not longer the boss. i am. but the fact that he still occupy the bosses' office, and that his mere presence alone made people uncomfortable.

i took the courtesy to pop my head into the office to say hi. and next thing i knew, i was caught in a half hour bitching session by him about how screwed up so and so is, how fucked up the hr department is, how...

such negative energies...

i can certainly do without all these hostility.

it's sad to see someone so bitter.

but well, it is his choice.

seized phone

i was on the phone talking to mum this evening while driving when i was pulled over by the tp. i ended up having my phone seized. and he told me i would likely be fined S$200... considering i was a first time offender.

ya, big deal...

stiff neck

this was probably the longest period of not blogging for me for a quite a while. well, i suffered rather badly over the last week or so. you see, last wednesday, i woke up, changed up and decided to sweep the floor before heading to work. while i sweeping the floor, i felt a muscle pull on my neck. the pull tightened over the next 5 min and next thing i knew, it felt like i had suffered a stiff neck. the pain was terrible. i did some stretching and continued heading to work. the pain did not subside over the day. and neither did it improve over thurs. by friday morning, just when i thought it had improved a little, i pulled the neck muscle again while ironing my shirt. and later on while driving to work, the same muscle pulled again. it was a case of my neck muscles going into involuntary spasm! arghhh... i endured the pain and hoped it would go. but it did not. when evening came, i decided i needed medication and i downed 2 anarex tablets (muscle relaxant). all these while, i didn't sleep well due to the terrible pain.

by sunday morning, i woke up feeling a little better. and just when i thought things had turned for the better, i pulled the muscle again. it was really terrible. again, i endured the pain and tried to do my activities as normal. by afternoon, my whole body was all so stiffened up i couldn't move my body without feeling pain. i came home from my bro's place and decided to lie on my bed. and it freaked me out to find that i couldn't get up as my neck was so painful it felt like snapping. and by evening, i decided i needed help. i headed to the hospital a&e.

the doctor gave me a jab, some muscle relaxant and a super strong painkiller. that jab was a life saver. for the first time in almost a week, i slept soundly. well, as of now, there is still a lingering pain. but well, at least, it is manageable and i am able to move about almost naturally...

:-)

mum's birthday

we celebrated mum's 78th birthday last thursday evening.

it was a simple celebration. a good homecooked dinner complete with a simple pandan cake that was mum's favourite.

and this year was a little more special cos of the presence of my little new niece...

was so happy to see mum cheerful and happy.

:-)

shake what?

just look at the comments and i can totally agree with them. ha ha... now, do you think gay men have better physique because of... and they don't need this gadget!

heh heh...

descriptor for 2010

it's time to put on my thinking cap again. need to think about the word that best describes this year. hmmm... let's see what happened...

family
- mum kept getting in and out of hospital
- health finally stabilized
- bro has a baby
- otherwise everything else seemed normal

work
- got a new job
- got promoted

self
- health remained stable
- no major issues other than me getting more deaf (i think)
- deepened spiritual well-being
- religious classes
- volunteer teacher

bee
- into our 5th year
- so stable that it might sound boring

friends
- again so routine nothing out of the norm happened

judging from the few points, it seemed like this year had been very stable and mundane. and perhaps the major excitement was in the areas of work. hmmm... perhaps i should just call it "year of new worklife"? or may be "a year of relative calm"? or "a year of peace"?

ok, shall kiv all these for now...

any views?

assumption of new post

in less than a couple of hours, i will be assuming my new post. then again, i really do not feel anything about it. still, the work has to be done. and things seemed to be coming forth very strongly. lots of things to catch up and lots of things to do. and the thing is, the person who is vacating the post will still be occupying the office, using my staff and with full intentions to poach him over, planting rumours to create rifts, etc... and he will still be there until feb at least...

hmmm...

then again, i keep reminding myself i have to be gracious and support him in whatever way i can. tricky business. and i recall my teacher telling me - enduring does not mean you have to suffer. that one have to act in one's self-interest if one feels that by enduring, one ends up suffering and feeling all tensed up...

77.9kg

omg! that's my weight when i weighed myself at the changi airport baggage weighing scale earlier on!

wah piangz!

:-)

it's my credit

what do you think of someone who consistently thumb you down and comment that things you do are useless becos the things you do are for someone he couldn't get along with. but when you present your work during management meeting and you get praised, he quickly says - "ya, this is what i told him to do..."

no respect.

character assassination

it's one thing to play politics but it's another thing altogether to consistently go into character assassination mode. it's unhealthy and it speaks volumes about the person doing it!

sad! pitiful! shameful!

and i have no respect for such people!



good dinner

i had a pleasant surprise this evening when 2 great friends bought us dinner. it was supposed to be a get-together meet up and we had dinner at marina mandarin. we had not met for a while and when kl contacted me, i readily agreed. felt it would be a good idea to catch up. and yes, it was a great dinner, and of cos, great conversations with them... and needless to say, lots of bitching about who's who... la la la...

and kl and dl told me when i volunteered to pay that this dinner was on them to celebrate my celebration! so touched. for the first time in my life, people actually buy me dinner to celebrate a promotion!

thank you kl. thank you dl.

:-)

the line

i bought my 2 staffs dinner at shangri-la this week. one of them brought his wife along. cost me close to five hundred dollars. but well, i felt it was a good dinner. it was to express my gratitude to them for their support over the last 6 months. they had been a great part of the team. and i am sad to see one of them go. he will be brought over by my boss with him when he leaves to another unit come 1 dec.

sighs...

wa... so big!

i had my airport pass made recently and collected it this week. when i first recieved it, i thought my face looked bloated and big. but i didn't give two hoots about it. and i went ahead and place it inside my office pass casing, back-to-back with my office pass. and it struck me hard! when i compared the airport pass photo with that of my office pass! in the span of 6 months (since i took the photo of my office pass), my face had indeed expanded at least 20 percent!

horrors!

argh!!!

lousy character

am now rather pissed off by someone. he's behaving like a superbly insecure old man who wants all the face he can get. and he does everything he can to grab things that would benefit him and couldn't give a shit to others (other than his own selfish needs). and he enjoys going around bragging about his own successes, while thumbing people down. and on top of that, it is second nature to him to plant rumours and part truths (and part lies) to different people in the same set-up thereby creating rifts between people.

cannot take it.

sighs.

the 5 regrets of the dying

The following is something I copied from Bhante Dhammika's blog and he had reproduced it after reading it from a book (I am assuming it is a book) by Bonnie Ware. I am copying it here cos the points resonate with me so much... And I can attest to the writings. Now, come what may, whatever life (or any organisations) throws at me, I will survive... and for me, I do not interpret the word "Dying" purely from the perspective of "mortality/ end of life". I personally feel that to do so would be too narrow and wouldn't do justice to the writings. Instead, I choose to interpret it as coming to terms and accepting with what you are, about living your life to the fullest, about being happy. for true happiness comes from within. and that is something achieveable only if you can be at peace with yourself. to know how to love others, you have to start by loving yourself.

read on.

==========
The 5 Regrets Of The Dying

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called "comfort" of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is your life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.

By Bonnie Ware

announced

my promotion has been formally announced.

:-)

infected ear

... no, not me. sapphie. she has been scratching a lot lately. and at times, she would yelp in the middle of the night. and this was becos she scratched her ears and hit a sore spot. rather funny i must say.

and so, i decided to use a cotton to check her ear canal. and true enough, i saw white powdery looking patches. took her to the vet, did some tests and finally confirmed that she was having a serious case of bacterial infection. otherwise, her blood test showed good signs of liver, thyroid and kidney functions. so now, i have to clean her ear canal with medication twice daily. when i cleansed it the first time, i noticed gooey substances (looked like mucus) coming out of the ear canal. and they came out in "blops". rather sickening looking. reminded me of human nose mucus when you get a cold except that this time round, it came from a dog's ear and had a sickly brown-green colour...

hmmm, ok, shan't describe further. this should be gross enough...

:-)

deafness

been increasingly finding myself hard of hearing. cannot seemed to catch what people are saying these days. and at times, it felt kinda weird to see people mouthing words and i cannot hear them although they are sitting right in front of me. am i getting deaf too?

ps: my first indication of a hearing loss was in 2007 when i went for a medical check. it was found to have gotten worst in another check in 2009. going by this trend of development, it seemed like i would become deaf in no time!... hmmm...

throbbing headache

have been getting bouts of throbbing headaches these days. and the frequency seemed to increase these couple of days... is this a sigh of an impending stroke?

coversations in the toilet

i walked into a shopping center toilet yesterday and when i saw the people inside i got a little worried. there were about 4-5 teenagers inside and they looked rather punkish in the way they dressed, complete with long unkempt highlighted hair. some wore ear studs. and given the recent spate of murder/ slashing cases by teenage gangsters, i felt a little intimidated by them. and they were not at the urinal. rather, they were looking into the mirrors and trying to neaten their hair! imagine them picking a couple of strands of hair on one side, bringing it to another side, turn their head left, look and check if it was in place, turn their head right, and then look and check again... and repeat the process...

anyway, i walked into the toilet, went to the urinal, did what i wanted to do (pee! if you have other ideas... heh heh...), washed my hands and left. and just as i was about to walk out. one of the guy said to his friend... "oooi, tomorrow holiday huh!" his friend (malay i think) replied "ya, hari raya haji"... and a reply came immediately "arrr... what is hari raya haji huh?"... and his brudder replied "oh, hari raya haji is..." and the conversation trailed off as i walked away...

hmmm...

inter-racial education (even amongst gangsters, if they are indeed gangsters) at play... so singaporean.

i like.

:-)

holiday / wednesday

today is wednesday and i am so glad it is a holiday. in a huge way, a break on wednesday effectively break the work week into 2 parts of 2 work days each. and such a situation, work pressure becomes a lot more tolerable and manageable.

:-)

updating facebook status in class

have been feeling tired easily these days and often i find myself dozing off during my dhamma classes. this week's class is the last for this year. and to keep myself awake, i typed some of the lines that i thought was meaningful as my status updates in facebook. the following are some of them.

• the mind is pure. thoughts, emotions are simply objects of the mind. our attachments to these objects prevent us from achieving clarity of the mind. practise. know. just know. strive towards minfulness. that is where purity exist.

• mindfuless is momentary as a norm, to have clear insight, strive towards achieving continuous mindfuness.

• the key to practise lie in the practise of the mind.

• there's a difference between watching your anger and partaking in it. when there's anger, watch it, don't analyse it, watch the feeling from a third person point of view... let the energy come and go. when it goes, anger disappears. know. just know.

and it helped me keep awake.

:-)

going down

no, i am talking about going down on anyone... if you know what i mean... i have been so busy with work and so caught up with targets, gossips, unproductive chats, work relationship dynamics (call it politics), la la la of late that i have nearly neglected my own spiritual well-being. and i find myself going down and down and down insofar as my ability to stay above distractions these days. i find myself getting agitated faster. i find myself getting worried about things. i find myself getting worried over little things. i find myself getting anxious over a lot of things...

and it is really draining. i supposed the end of school term (which mean i am not bounded by the discipline to reconnect with the dhamma on a weekly basis) made it a little more difficult for me to focus on my practice. or perhaps i am just lazy... no good. no good. all these are happening and i think i have gone into a negative cycle of things. i need to pull myself out of this cycle.

cleared

cleared my first round of discussion on next year's target. such a great relieve!

:-)

love language

simply love this very simple but beautifully produced video. and oh, i thought the guy is cute. especially the dimples. and the expression on his face at 1:44 - 1:46... the "bashful-omg-she's finally here" look is a real killer. and of cos, in a huge way, it reminded me of my early days when i waited and finally get to meet bee...

:-P

asian games

somehow when i watched the asian games opening ceremony, i was reminded of the inaugural youth olympics opening ceremony conducted in singapore just 2 plus months back. apart from the format (which i supposed was the same for all games), there was the one-sided audience gallery facing the water (instead of the usual all rounded stadium), the heavy use of multi-media on screens that formed the backdrop, the torch bearer running on water, and so on. it got me wondering if these were really coincidental...

but well, apart from these similarities, i enjoyed grandeur of the whole event, particularly the creativity in the torch lighting segment of the ceremony. on the whole, i thought it brought out the chineseness of the chinese culture.

:-)

duty travel

this week had been rather hectic. it passed by superbly fast. monday, it was a rush of meetings after meetings. went on duty travel to jakarta from tuesday to thursday and during the trip, i had to do briefings after briefings almost non-stop. you see, i landed at about 10am and was rushed to the office where i did a quick briefing. lunch followed and immediately after lunch, i did another brief to the top management there. the day ended at close to 9plus before i checked in to the hotel. it was a 4-star hotel but the experience seemed worst becos the hotel was old. the bed mattress was lousy and i did not sleep well - not to mention, the alarm clock was set by the guest before me at 5am. sighs... the same hectic pattern repeated on wednesday. and due to the lack of proper sleep, it was rather draining. so, understandably by yesterday, i was totally exhausted. it was a short trip but i felt glad to be home. and by the time i settle down to sleep, it was 1am.

and today, it was a whole day of meetings and catching up with other work. and it seemed like there was a lot of backlogged despite the fact that i had my blackberry with me and was able to clear my emails daily. hmmm... but well, in a way, i enjoyed the week. yes, i do sound a little crazy but yes, i did enjoy the pace. perhaps it was a case of me feeling useful and that i was able to see things happen, people getting bought in, people moving along... but really, by the end of today, despite being dead tired, i felt good. anyway, weekend is here. and i probably need to do a little more catching up on work before another major meeting on this coming monday morning.

:-)

travel history

before i leave for jakarta, i need to review and update my trips around the world list... :P

2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...

volcanos

the last time i wanted to fly to london, the iceland's mount eye-a-wtf erupted. this time round, 2 days before my maiden work trip to jakarta, it looks like merapi might come in the way. keeping my fingers crossed.

hmmm...

megamind

some thoughts went through my mind as i watched this movie:

• good or bad, it's a matter of perspective
• there is the buddha-nature in everyone, regardless of whether he is good or bad
• live your life the way you want, not the way everyone wanted you to do
• it's about being comfortable with yourself
• good exists only if bad exists, and vice versa

despite being an animation, i think this show is rather mature in its theme... and no, i don't mean the hanky panky mature, i mean, mature as in in its depth of thoughts (in hokkien term - very chim)... and i enjoyed it.

:-)

image from http://moviesaddicts.com/movie-trailers/megamind/

happy birthday sapphie

today is sapphie's 10th birthday! and i can't give her her usual ground beef treat that i do every year cos she is now vegetarian. so... i gave her a papaya birthday "cake"! heh heh!

happy birthday sapphie!

number three

my keyboard has failed me over the past few weeks. i now have problems pressing the number three. also my shift key has gone bonkers. and i cannot type capital letters consistently.

that means, i cannot key in my bank account number, or key in my pin number, or anything that requires number three. damned it, so, i am now stuck as i cannot transfer my monthly allowance to my mum, do my monthly banking, check my visa bills, la la la...

i never know how important one single digit is until it is taken away from me. hmmm...

:-)

pant pant pant

got bombshell today. gotta come out with business plan for my set-up for the next year and be ready to present before end of the month. that means i have less than a week to prepare the plan before i pass them to finance to verify details la la la... and there are much market research to be done, not to mention, i also need to consult my staff. and to make things more challenging, i have duty travel next week.

on top of that, my big boss is also chasing me to work out the staffing and directions for another unit that i am a part of (and looking at how things are developing, i might also end up heading this unit on top of the one i am destined to take over next month). pant pant pant...

and all these come with the job that i will be taking over next month. and the current incumbent is on holiday, pushed all his responsibilities to me, apart from pouching my staff and stirring shit through and through in the current set-up before he moves on.

hmmmm...

jia you jia you!

feeling emo

feeling a little emo and blah now. i guess it is becos i feel kinda overwhelmed when i think back and look ahead at the same time. anyway, i think i'll sleep early tonight!

halloween

i see more and more people celebrating halloween in singapore in recent years. and it seemed rather weird from several perspectives...

firstly, people celebrating it did not seem to know what it is about, the history behind it etc. instead, everyone seemed to take it like a big scale fancy dress festival. and people are simply having fun (and i thought that was good).

secondly, it seemed like a lot (if not most) of people celebrating it are christains. and i thought it was ironic cos from what i know, the christain communities here have always tried to dissociate themselves from anything deemed superstitious or related to ghosts, witchcrafts, etc. well, then again, i do not know if there is any official stand about it and i just might just be wrong. and if so, i stand corrected.

thirdly, it is another case of an imported practise that is so so unrelated to any of the racial or religious communities locally (expats don't count considering the low numbers of ang mos here). and it reeks so so much of commercialisation where things happen because there is a huge commercial potential behind it, heck care the lack of heritage, identity, roots or whatever...

hmmm... and looking at the many pictures in facebooks and the many advertisments about halloween parties, i started to wonder if we are really so superficial (or rather, the younger generation - i feel so old saying this!)?

and no, for the record, i do not have anything against halloween. when i lived in the states in 2004, i could see how it was celebrated as part of the community's culture. and together with thanksgiving, christmas etc, the whole mood was so strong. i can't find an adjective to describe it other than - it was so so so "ang mo". such a stark contrast to what i feel and experience here.

dreading work

i so dread going back to work tomorrow.

i have never had such feelings before until recently. i supposed i felt rather overwhelmed by all the amount of shit i have to clear and the amount of work waiting for me. i currently feel so unmotivated despite the fact that i will be given responsibilities.

if this were to continue, i think i will go bonkers!

or maybe i am just very tired? and made worst by the fact that i am feeling exhausted now...

maybe. maybe. maybe...

ps: and i have not even ironed my clothes! damned!

exhausted

i felt so exhausted today. perhaps it was the aftermath of the bbq. or perhaps it was due to the fact that i did not sleep well last night. i could hardly keep my eyes open whole day long. was very sleepy when i was at my mum's place. went to the pool and fell asleep for about 10min until the rain came. then went for a show and slept half the show. came home and collapsed on the bed. went for dinner and my eyes stinked. and i am now writing my blog while my head was half dead...

zzzz...

my blood

hv not seen my own blood for quite a while... until last evening when i dropped the flour container as i was trying to keep it and ended up getting a cut on my finger. my first feeling was a sharp pain and next thing i knew, bright red blood gushed out and dripped onto the table top. managed to clean it quickly and arrest the flow using paper napkins before anyone came to the kitchen. i pressed onto the wounds for quite sometime until the bleeding stopped. or so i thought.

the wound got red today. and it was painful. and through the whole of the day, the bleeding continued. on and off. rather irritated by the pain and the little mess actually. and everytime it occurred, i had to press onto the wound. the last time the wound bled was about 8plus. hopefully, it does not bleed tonight. i certainly don't want to wake up to a bloodied bed.

bbq-ed

the bbq came and went. lots of work. lots of anxiety. lots of food. lots of people and lots of catching up. i supposed everyone had their fair share of fun. then again, the bbq did not materialize per se.

you see, bee went down earlier to set the fire while schneider and i stayed upstairs to prepare the bbq food. i had just finished skewering the chicken that schneider prepared when it started pouring. it was a very heavy downpour. and so i decided to adopt the wet weather plan. i contacted all to come up to my place instead. and i decided to cook the food. after cooking a dish, the rain stopped - as suddenly as it started. but i decided not to back track and to go on doing it indoor. after all, i rationalized, the bbq area and the surrounding floor would still be wet and the whole place would be messy. i knew schneider was disappointed. but i thought since we have decided to adopt the wet weather plan, we might as well carry it through. i felt a little bad to disappoint him considering he had put in so much effort in the food preparation. we ended up cooking all the food he prepared except the chicken wings (which he took home in the end). as for the food i bought, i ended up giving most of them to my sis, uncooked. as for the bee hoon, i decided to throw them away.

i supposed to all who came, they were not aware of how anxious i was given all these last minute change of plans. and this was made worst by the fact that i had stopped cooking for the last year or so. as such, i do not have the necessary condiments, chopped garlic, sauce, oil, etc. the evening wore on. all the anxiety was made worst by the fact that i was also worried if people felt at home. for once, ed and st was amongst strangers, sam was new to everyone and was with my friends, lp's children was afraid of sapphie when they last visited... all these came together and i was rather anxious about how they would all fit in together.

so, the rain and the decision to do it indoor in addition to all these worries took a drastic toll on me. i did not want to change my mind about anything. never mind the fact that my house smell of oil, never mind that the place got messy, never mind that my stove was messed up big time with all the cooking (i have never cooked like that since i installed it some months back), and never mind the fact that i always find it very difficult to entertain people and have always avoided doing it. but well, i think things turned out well. as for me, with crowds in my house, i ended up as usual at a corner of the house or in the kitchen doing things by myself instead of mingling. not a sociable person and prefer to be alone amongst crowds. by the end of the evening, i was frankly very exhausted, both mentally and physically.

anyway, i am glad the whole event went off smoothly.

it was a terribly exhausting weekend.

bbq

gonna have a bbq tomorrow to celebrate bee's birthday. will involve some of my closer friends from uni, as well as my sis and her children. total of about 12-14pax. looking forward to it although i know it's gonna be a very tiring process.

but well, it's the weekend!

:-)

exhausting weeks

these 2 weeks had been most exhausting. had a major event last week. completed. and this week, there was another major event. also, completed. but for both events, there are still loose ends. need to catch up in the next couple of weeks to do proper closure, aar, data analysis, etc... gonna be tiring looking ahead.

nonetheless, i am glad they are over.

it's been announced

finally, my big boss made the announcement that i will take over my boss in dec at a meeting today. well, not surprising to most as i have already spoken to them. but i still foresee the need to manage the 2 most senior chaps. they are after all my seniors and are a lot more experience than me. and it is important that i can get them to work with me as a team.

wish me luck.

upkeeping morale

am trying very hard to upkeep my morale. it's so difficult when you have someone who keeps playing the wet blanket role and enjoys putting people down in order to look good. and to make things worst, is now selfish and wants to take away good staff... sighs. shall (try) not to be affected.

push on. push on.

extended family gathering

it is so nice to be able to get together once a while. when my dad was alive, i would invite all his siblings (my aunts and uncles) and their families to my house during the second day of the chinese new year. those gatherings have since stopped since my dad passed away two years ago.

today, my aunt organised a little dinner for all at a coffee shop and i was invited. there were almost 20 of us. and it was such a happy occasion. and i found out that my extended family has had 2 new additions to the family. my nephew has a daughter now. and that means my aunt is now a great grandmother! my cousin is now a grandmother, and yes, all of us in my generation have been elevated to the "grand-" generation! and of course, my title is now 表舅公. hmmm, sounds damned bloody old to me! also, i found out that another of my cousin (the one who got married last year) is now a proud father of a baby boy. that means we now have 2 boys to carry on my surname! it also means i am now officially a 堂伯. heh heh... it's so nice to meet up once a while!

sapphie in the room

after having sapphie around for 10 years (she turns 10 on nov third... or was it second?...). anyway, having had her all these while, i have never allowed her into the corridor (that leads to the rooms). and this had become "law" for her. if she were to take as many as one single step into the corridor, she would be sternly reprimanded. and she feared that. so she would automatically stay outside in the living room and not step onto the corridor. it was a no-go area for her. of late, due to the heat, the stuffiness and the haze, coupled with her incessant itch all over her body, i relaxed this ruling. or perhaps, it was just me softening my heart after so many years. so for the initial couple of nights last month, i allowed her to sleep on the floor mat outside my room. she would sleep there such that she could see me through the night. over time, she got used to it. and then i allowed her to sleep in the room on the room rug. she also got used to it eventually. and i thought it is good cos she can now enjoy the air con on nights when it gets too warm (i only sleep with the air con on on very warm nights, otherwise, it would be fans only). and i am sure the air con would help alleviate her itch.

then again, it needs some getting used to to have her in her room sleeping with us. for a start, we would hear her scratch her often throughout the night. and at times when she would inadvertently kick the bed frame too. secondly, she is a noisy sleeper and she dreams a lot. we would hear her breath heavily, grunt, make all sort of weird noises and at times let out a soft sleepy bark. i could only conclude she was having her doggie dreams (or perhaps nightmares). also, a dog's sleep pattern is different from that of humans. instead of the human 4-hour sleep cycle, their sleep pattern consists of a series of naps. thus, in between naps, sapphie would roam around the room. and it was during these walkarounds that rather interesting things happen. for example, at times when i sleep on my side, one of my hand would extend out of my bed. seeing my hand in such a position, she would come to me and place her head below my palm and lightly pushed her head against it. such a manja dog right?! well, naturally i would wake up, give her a little pat and ask her to get some sleep. bee had his fair share of surprises too. early this morning, he was awakened by sapphie's doggie smell (which can be rather strong at times). when he opened his eyes, sapphie's head was resting on the bed beside his and was looking into his eyes. in response, he patted her head and asked her to get some sleep...

heh heh... interesting experiences right?

:-)

do not take it!

i have observed a pattern in my mum's sickness. she has been going in and out of the hospital almost every 2 weeks. and i asked myself why. piecing all the symptoms together, i concluded it was due to morphine (i will refer to it as painkiller "m") intake. you see, she often get admitted due to water in her lungs, or constipation, or high level of toxins in her blood (as a result of prolonged constipation), etc. but when she was in the hospital, she would be perfectly fine. no pain in her knees, no issues with her health, no problems with her voice, etc but once she comes home, everything will go haywire again. and the only difference between the hospital and the home was her medication - she was given painkiller "m" at home. i came to this conclusion because when she was admitted for constipation a couple of weeks back, i learned from the doctor that taking painkiller "m" could result in constipation in many patients. hmmm... well, of course this couldn't really explain my mum's breathlessness, the water in her lungs, pneumonia and other complications related to breathing of late. nonetheless, i was very certain it had to do with painkiller "m".

to me, it was very clear there was a negative reinforcing loop happening - and it all started with her knees. and it went this way - when she complained her knees hurt, she would be given painkiller "m", then she would got drowsy, (and at times, hallucination and confused), and she would also suffer constipation, and when that happened, her blood gets poisoned. as a result, she got weak, she couldn't walk or exercise, her knees would then weaken further, with a further weaken knees, it would hurt when she tried to walk, and then my brother would feed her with more painkiller "m"... and the loop goes. to worsen the situation, i noted a couple of other negative reinforcing loops - eg, when she gets hallucination, my brother would sent her to imh, she would be given more medication, then she would get drowsy, and weaker, and she couldn't exercise, and her knees weakened further, and then it aggravated the pain, and she would be given more painkiller "m"... and one more - under the drowsy state, she would often behave in a confused manner, she lost her ability to recognise people, she couldn't sleep at night, she would then be drowsy in the daytime, and she would sleep more, when this happened, she would be too weak to exercise, and her knees weaken further, and the pain would worsen, and then she would be given more painkiller "m". and the loops continued.

no win. totally no way to get out of the loop. my only conclusion was that my brother should stop giving her painkiller "m" altogether and start to tackle the core issue - to make her knees stronger and to make her exercise. but he refused citing her painful knees and that he felt bad seeing her suffer. also, he insisted that the pain management doctor had asked to administer painkiller "m" whenever she feels pain. and so, he kept giving her painkiller "m". the dosage given was up to 15mls a day.

2 days ago, mum went into a state of high confusion again. she couldn't really talk, her voice was hoarse. she was terribly weak and her knees hurt so badly she couldn't stand up. yet, she insisted on heading to the polyclinic as she insisted her toes and soles hurt badly. in fact, she made so much noise until the domestic help as well as my sister-in-law couldn't manage her. they ended up calling my brother non-stop at his office. he was totally flustered and asked me to talk to her. i called her every half hour, spoke with her and tried to calm her down.

yesterday, my brother brought her to her specialist. and when told of all the symptoms, the specialist's conclusion was - it was due to painkiller "m" and that we should stop administering it altogether. and he added a new input that cleared all my questions regarding my mum's breathlessness. he said that for some people, taking painkiller "m" would result in formation of thick phlegm and that might lead to breathing difficulties. suddenly all pieces fitted together. mum's complain of phlegm, breathlessness, etc was due to painkiller "m" too! and this breathlessness added to all the loops i mentioned above. the lower oxygen intake due to the presence of thicken phlegm has resulted in increased sensitivity and a decrease in pain threshold (ironically), it also made mum weaker as her body system literally started to shut down as they were all starved of oxygen... this led to her totally weakened. and when all these happened, her knees could no longer support her and she simple collapse. and the doctor's advise was to stop administering the painkiller "m" immediately. he added that the focus should be to strengthen the knees by exercising it rather than trying to stop the pain. also, he cautioned the administering of such high amount of painkiller "m" becos a person's threshold to painkiller "m" will increase and that over time, the body will need a very high amount of painkiller "m" to manage the pain. he also commented that painkiller "m" is usually used for terminally ill patients and for healthy people, it should only be used as a last resort. and even then, the dosage should be kept as low as possible, say about 2.5 to no more than 5mls a day.

sighs. after the doctor's explanation, my brother finally accepted the fact that his insistent on giving painkiller "m" had been misguided all along (despite the fact that it was suggested by another doctor). i am just glad this issue is clarified. moving ahead, i hope mum will understand that she could get out of the cycle of hospitalisation only if she placed efforts on exercising her legs, even if it means she has to endure the pain a little bit more. the way out of suffering is not easy and one has to suffer in order get out of the cycle. the path out of this cycle of hospitalisation is through proper exercise and no trying short cuts of taking painkiller "m". and of cos i am reminded of the cycle of samsara, the four noble truth, and the noble eigthfold path. also, one needs to adopt the have right action can only happen if there is right views and understanding.

seeing what you wanted to see

two days ago, i updated my facebook status as follows: "visually, i am reminded of the days when i was in china during winter and when there was a blanket of fog. so pretty :-)"  and it was truly that i thought it looked pretty. and i had that feel when i was driving and had my aircon blasting. so, the haze added to the mood and ... anyway, soon enough, a friend commented that fog and haze are different. and another quickly added that this one has a "burnt smell"... and so on and so forth.

hmmm... i think they had really missed out my first and most important word - "visually". and reading their comments, it reminded me of how they had seen what they wanted to see and felt what they wanted to feel. perhaps it is a case of us being conditioned over time. if it is haze, it can only be hot, smelly, filthy, and unhealthy. there is nothing possibly good about it. and in believing this, it is easy to miss out the word "visually", simply becos the brain had decided (or learned) not to register it despite reading it. come to think of it, it can be rather scary. and along the same lines, it is no different from stereotyping - if you are of a particular race, you must be ____ (fill in the blanks), if you are gay, you must be promiscuous, la la la... you get the drift.

in this very simple experience, i was reminded of some very fundamental buddhist teachings. i was reminded of how we should know and just know. and i repeat, know and just know. accept the situation. embrace the present, accept the difficulties and just move on. no need to complain. no need to react. much less, no need to over-react. you cannot wish things away just because you complain about them. and of cos, it would do us a lot of good to see things from a slightly different perspective if it allows us to adapt better to our current surroundings. and rather than bitch about it and wallow in the negatives, why not accept it, and if possible, see the silver lining out of the situation and move on. right? and oh, for the record - no, i don't like the haze. my asthma can get worked up if it were to carry on like this for a few more days. and when that happens, it can be very uncomfortable. but well, instead of complaining, i supposed i would just keep myself indoors and enjoy the indoor environment. right?

:-)

confirmed & more

today, i got a nice surprise. or rather, 2 nice surprises.

i got my letter of confirmation from my big boss - 2 months ahead of the "normal" probationary period. and on top of that, he told me that the date for my elevation to a higher appointment has also been firmed. can't wait for the day to come, considering how my current boss (whom i’ll be taking over) is creating a lot of unnecessary tensions amongst the people in the team and spreading a lot of rumours. sad. really sad, considering how he kept saying he had put in so much effort to built it up. so, in the few weeks before he leaves, it seemed like he wants to destroy it! in the last few weeks, i totally lost my respects for him. then again, i just tell myself not to be involved in the rumour-mongering, just do my best and try as far as i can to help him before he moves on.

:-)