have you ever thought of someone as your daemon?
Saturday, 22 December 2007
my aging dad
sometimes, old people can really act beyond logic. and often it is a case of saving the cents and risking the dollars and life. such is a case for my dad.
you see, these days, i get worried whenever my dad goes out of the house. with the recent spate of falls and hypoglycaemia attacks, i can never ever sleep peacefully at night. and it is not uncommon to wake up to his howling and screams and at times, found him unconscious on the floor. such are the signs of hypoglycaemia. and taking the steps to revive him has become a drill to me. i have also noticed him walking with more difficulty these days and would often fall.
and yesterday, he went to the doctor in the morning at abt 9. he did not have his breakfast and neither did he bring along his mobile. when he did not return at about 6pm, my mum and i got worried. and i really hate the feeling of having to tell my mum not to worry for everything will be ok while i myself was panicking inside. at about 6.30pm, my home phone rang and i was relieved when i heard his voice and not some policeman. rushed to the traffic junction and walked him back.
apparently, on his way home after visiting the doctor, he had difficulty walking and as a result fell a few times... in the end, being unable to get up and walk further, he sat on road curb by the main road. and it started raining. it was until a kind lady came along and and brought him to the traffic junction outside my condo and allowing him to use her mobile to call home.
and when i suggested taking cabs in future instead of the bus and mrt, his reply was that cabs are expensive and will cos a few dollars more... haiz...
you see, these days, i get worried whenever my dad goes out of the house. with the recent spate of falls and hypoglycaemia attacks, i can never ever sleep peacefully at night. and it is not uncommon to wake up to his howling and screams and at times, found him unconscious on the floor. such are the signs of hypoglycaemia. and taking the steps to revive him has become a drill to me. i have also noticed him walking with more difficulty these days and would often fall.
and yesterday, he went to the doctor in the morning at abt 9. he did not have his breakfast and neither did he bring along his mobile. when he did not return at about 6pm, my mum and i got worried. and i really hate the feeling of having to tell my mum not to worry for everything will be ok while i myself was panicking inside. at about 6.30pm, my home phone rang and i was relieved when i heard his voice and not some policeman. rushed to the traffic junction and walked him back.
apparently, on his way home after visiting the doctor, he had difficulty walking and as a result fell a few times... in the end, being unable to get up and walk further, he sat on road curb by the main road. and it started raining. it was until a kind lady came along and and brought him to the traffic junction outside my condo and allowing him to use her mobile to call home.
and when i suggested taking cabs in future instead of the bus and mrt, his reply was that cabs are expensive and will cos a few dollars more... haiz...
Monday, 17 December 2007
so lame
one year ago on my 40th birthday, i decided to do something significant. something that i would never do, just to challenge myself. so i swam 40 laps in the cold pool after a heavy downpour.
on my 41st birthday. i thought i'd do something too. in the end, i did 41 sit ups.
wa.............. so lame. wtf!
on my 41st birthday. i thought i'd do something too. in the end, i did 41 sit ups.
wa.............. so lame. wtf!
china in a word - last part
perhaps all that i have written can be summed up by one word, and that is "culture".
regrettably, while this single word and the words i wrote in the few entries before this reflected the current reality in china today, in summing it up to this single word, it certainly does not do justice to the 5000 over years of rich heritage that we chinese collectively inherit. china today certainly have progressed much, but in terms of civility, the country certainly has a lot a lot of catch up.
regrettably, while this single word and the words i wrote in the few entries before this reflected the current reality in china today, in summing it up to this single word, it certainly does not do justice to the 5000 over years of rich heritage that we chinese collectively inherit. china today certainly have progressed much, but in terms of civility, the country certainly has a lot a lot of catch up.
china in a word - part 6
"impetuous"
nearest word i can find... just could not understand the very thuggish/ gangster behaviour between china chinese - between two strangers, between customer and salesperson, and so on. courtesy was really not the order of the day. people could actually quarrel and shout at the other party when they were obviously in the wrong - eg customer bought a cup of coffee from the starbucks counter, his girlfriend collected his drink, took a detour, he went to the salesperson and scolded the salesperson (big time) and despite explaining that his girlfriend had collected his drink, he countered and alleged that they wanted to cheat him... and when his girlfriend appeared with the drink, he did not even apologize, and walked off! one of the more than a dozen experiences in my 4 days in shanghai.
nearest word i can find... just could not understand the very thuggish/ gangster behaviour between china chinese - between two strangers, between customer and salesperson, and so on. courtesy was really not the order of the day. people could actually quarrel and shout at the other party when they were obviously in the wrong - eg customer bought a cup of coffee from the starbucks counter, his girlfriend collected his drink, took a detour, he went to the salesperson and scolded the salesperson (big time) and despite explaining that his girlfriend had collected his drink, he countered and alleged that they wanted to cheat him... and when his girlfriend appeared with the drink, he did not even apologize, and walked off! one of the more than a dozen experiences in my 4 days in shanghai.
china in a word - part 5
"shout"
i could never understand why chinese (again, it is the same in beijing, and for that matter, hong kong) cannot talk in quiet tones. even words that comes out of their golden gap was easily 10 decibels higher than what a normal human being outside china would utter...
i could never understand why chinese (again, it is the same in beijing, and for that matter, hong kong) cannot talk in quiet tones. even words that comes out of their golden gap was easily 10 decibels higher than what a normal human being outside china would utter...
china in a word - part 3
"change"
i noted that shanghai had changed tremendously since i visited the place 4 years ago with james. it's rather amazing. for that matter, jinmao was not longer the tallest building. even the silhouette of the building was overshadowed by the new world financial building! for that matter, even the whole skyline of the bund had changed!
i noted that shanghai had changed tremendously since i visited the place 4 years ago with james. it's rather amazing. for that matter, jinmao was not longer the tallest building. even the silhouette of the building was overshadowed by the new world financial building! for that matter, even the whole skyline of the bund had changed!
china in a word - part 2
"spit"
there was so much spitting that i could imagine if one were to collect all the sputum the chinese people spit in a single day, it would overflow even the singapore river... eeeks! and one of the worst sight ever was this man spitting onto another man's overcoat! eeeewww!
there was so much spitting that i could imagine if one were to collect all the sputum the chinese people spit in a single day, it would overflow even the singapore river... eeeks! and one of the worst sight ever was this man spitting onto another man's overcoat! eeeewww!
china in a word - part 1
"push"
there was really no excuse to push people around. it's totally not courteous. china chinese (my experience tells me it's the same in beijing as well as in shanghai) push and shove their way through everywhere they go - in the mrt, in the restaurant, along the walkway, everywhere! gawd! and when someone tells off another person for pushing, he or she would get a scolding in return! geeze!
there was really no excuse to push people around. it's totally not courteous. china chinese (my experience tells me it's the same in beijing as well as in shanghai) push and shove their way through everywhere they go - in the mrt, in the restaurant, along the walkway, everywhere! gawd! and when someone tells off another person for pushing, he or she would get a scolding in return! geeze!
Monday, 10 December 2007
shopping
hurray! went shopping as a therapy for my moodiness over the freaking weather... bought 2 high society cds, 2 s/sleeve shirts and ate my favourite roti prata and orh nee at raffles hotel! and then thick skinned me asked lk for a long sleeve shirt for my birthday! heh heh...
feeling amply satisfied, for now :-)
feeling amply satisfied, for now :-)
clothes
recently i did some housepacking and decided clear my old clothes in my storeroom (i hang all my clothes in my storeroom). and after throwing away most of my uniforms, i realized that i had hardly any wearable / presentable casual clothes at all... i realized that my wardrobe over the past 2 years had revolved mostly around my singlets and a selected few (less than 10, or maybe even 5) tee-shirts and 2-3 pairs of jeans and berms!
thinking about it, i was not surprised... for over the many years i was with james, i had frequently discarded my own clothes to make space for his... and to save space, i would wear james' clothes instead of buying my own... and over time my wardrobe shrunk...
i need to start to buy and built my wardrobe...
thinking about it, i was not surprised... for over the many years i was with james, i had frequently discarded my own clothes to make space for his... and to save space, i would wear james' clothes instead of buying my own... and over time my wardrobe shrunk...
i need to start to buy and built my wardrobe...
Sunday, 9 December 2007
eldershield
you know you are `there' when...
it was a v depressing experience last year when i received the `congratulations! you qualify for the eldershield' package last year... at that point in time, i really did not know whether to be happy or sad...
it's something like a "hurray-i-now-qualify-for-the-`perk'" (ya rite, cheapskate!) mixed with a wtf!!! kinda thing... knowing that someone somewhere out there is telling me that `hey! you are half way there already'... until...
two weeks ago, i got the invitation to join the `upgraded eldershield' scheme...
now, i am really there!... wtf rite?!
it was a v depressing experience last year when i received the `congratulations! you qualify for the eldershield' package last year... at that point in time, i really did not know whether to be happy or sad...
it's something like a "hurray-i-now-qualify-for-the-`perk'" (ya rite, cheapskate!) mixed with a wtf!!! kinda thing... knowing that someone somewhere out there is telling me that `hey! you are half way there already'... until...
two weeks ago, i got the invitation to join the `upgraded eldershield' scheme...
now, i am really there!... wtf rite?!
Thursday, 6 December 2007
slice of singapore heartlander's life
took public transport to work today after dropping my car off at leng kee for servicing. it was an interesting experience. i decided to drop by the boon lay bus interchange sbs interchange canteen and managed to observe the hustle and bustle of singapore life as i munch away my bak chang. it was interesting to see perfect strangers chatting with each other, at times in languages that they do not understand, people of all walks and races mingling, and through this short interaction, made friends and acquaintances. it was a very simple affair, very unassuming. yet in it's simplicity, there's a certain richness that i sensed - a richness in the communication between people of different races, different culture and different religion. it's just very singaporean. and it made me realized how much i had taken my life for granted.
such is the simple life that people like me, who drives from point to point, fail to see and fail to appreciate. and more often than not, bitch about little discomforts... i will try to take public transport more often henceforth.
such is the simple life that people like me, who drives from point to point, fail to see and fail to appreciate. and more often than not, bitch about little discomforts... i will try to take public transport more often henceforth.
procrastination
omg... it's coming to an end to the week and apart from relaxing (i swam, tanned, got my car serviced, read a book, watched golden compass, ate mussels, etc) and starting to read the guide book on shanghai, i have not actually started out what i had planned to do... :( ok, ok i should try to at least start on my resume writing tomorrow :-) at least open a document and start work on it :-)
Monday, 3 December 2007
targets
the targets i hope to fulfill by the end of this workweek (apart from work) include doing research for my shanghai trip, start my resume writing, self-reflection and relaxation and of cos to spent time with my parents and my bee :-)
Sunday, 2 December 2007
5.2km
i am so happy! achieved a whole lot of stuff today! did my marketing, bought & arranged flowers, cleaned the house, played with my dog, went for a swim, suntanned, prayed at the temple, bought air tickets for a trip to shanghai and so on.
but i must say, the highlight of the day was meeting up with schneider for a 5.2km run at macritchie reservoir! running 5.2km non-stop was something that i have not done for the longest time ever due to my bad knees and ankle! i really don't believe i could still run 5.2km again, non-stop somemore! and my knees and ankle did not give way! gives me the confidence to try harder next time and hopefully fully recover from my fear of over-exerting myself!
thanks schneider! the run really made my day!
:-)
but i must say, the highlight of the day was meeting up with schneider for a 5.2km run at macritchie reservoir! running 5.2km non-stop was something that i have not done for the longest time ever due to my bad knees and ankle! i really don't believe i could still run 5.2km again, non-stop somemore! and my knees and ankle did not give way! gives me the confidence to try harder next time and hopefully fully recover from my fear of over-exerting myself!
thanks schneider! the run really made my day!
:-)
till death do us part
interestingly enough, i think my bee was more affected than me whenever we bump into james, just like we did at project shop last evening. no, we did not speak. james did not see us. he was talking to his new bf. he has not changed. still slouches so much even when he sits.
for me, well, admittedly, it was a feeling of warmth, concern, care mixed with curiosity, and sadness for the lost closeness, disappointment and then anger, betrayal, etc... all rolled into one at the same time. but reality tell me that i'll have to take it as a `oh-ok-let's-get-along' kinda thing. there is just so much i can do, single hand can never clap alone. even as a friend. and there's no point trying to already. the hand has gotten tired. he wants it to be functional. so be it.
i have finally deleted everything... handphone number, home phone number, address, email, msn, blog, bookmarks in fridae, guyz4men, trevvy etc... well, deleting them do not mean erasing them from my memory. it can't. it had been etched into my memory. but the act in itself has such a cathartic effect. i owe myself this.
till death (of the effort) do us part...
for me, well, admittedly, it was a feeling of warmth, concern, care mixed with curiosity, and sadness for the lost closeness, disappointment and then anger, betrayal, etc... all rolled into one at the same time. but reality tell me that i'll have to take it as a `oh-ok-let's-get-along' kinda thing. there is just so much i can do, single hand can never clap alone. even as a friend. and there's no point trying to already. the hand has gotten tired. he wants it to be functional. so be it.
i have finally deleted everything... handphone number, home phone number, address, email, msn, blog, bookmarks in fridae, guyz4men, trevvy etc... well, deleting them do not mean erasing them from my memory. it can't. it had been etched into my memory. but the act in itself has such a cathartic effect. i owe myself this.
till death (of the effort) do us part...
youngsters
over the last couple of days i witnessed some things that make me a little concerned...
first incident, i went for my swim at yck pool on friday. and in the shower room, i noticed this boy - no more than 12 or 13 yrs old - still lots of baby fats... he was sitting there doing nothing but cruising guys. what disturbed me was the fact that when he saw me and a few other guys change up (after our shower), he stripped himself and showed us his hard-on... hmmm, a v young cock... well, ok, that's beside the point... what the hell rite?! at such a young tender age and he is already doing what all those doms are doing...
second incident, was walking towards cairnhill car park along the side of heeren and there was this pair of girls - both no more than say 14 years old. both were sitting on the parapet and french-kissing each other! in broad daylight!
really, these two incidents were, to me, a little disturbing. it is not so much the open display of what i deemed a very private aspect of oneself (that was almost unthinkable during my time). but rather, i wondered about the upbringing of these people and what kind of values their parents had inculcated in them.
or was i just being old fashioned?
first incident, i went for my swim at yck pool on friday. and in the shower room, i noticed this boy - no more than 12 or 13 yrs old - still lots of baby fats... he was sitting there doing nothing but cruising guys. what disturbed me was the fact that when he saw me and a few other guys change up (after our shower), he stripped himself and showed us his hard-on... hmmm, a v young cock... well, ok, that's beside the point... what the hell rite?! at such a young tender age and he is already doing what all those doms are doing...
second incident, was walking towards cairnhill car park along the side of heeren and there was this pair of girls - both no more than say 14 years old. both were sitting on the parapet and french-kissing each other! in broad daylight!
really, these two incidents were, to me, a little disturbing. it is not so much the open display of what i deemed a very private aspect of oneself (that was almost unthinkable during my time). but rather, i wondered about the upbringing of these people and what kind of values their parents had inculcated in them.
or was i just being old fashioned?
Saturday, 1 December 2007
break
altho i have no concrete plans per se about how i will be spending my break in dec, i am nonetheless really looking forward to it... i guess i am just too exhausted n disillusioned with my workplace :-)
retreat-ed
as per what i have expected all along, the retreat we had was nothing more than a wayang. as far as my boss is concerned, he is only focused on what the college's work objectives should look like next year. screw the vision, screw the mission, just be work towards the objectives... for that matter, screw the staff... at one stage, despite all of us voicing out our views, he went to the point of saying - i don't care about what the students say, you should la la la... and after that, it was a case of all of us shutting up and not saying anything anymore...
retreat? instructors as key partners of education? pack of bull shit.
what's the point of a retreat with the alleged intent of soliciting views when there is already a mind-set and focus on arrowing.
retreat? instructors as key partners of education? pack of bull shit.
what's the point of a retreat with the alleged intent of soliciting views when there is already a mind-set and focus on arrowing.
Monday, 26 November 2007
Sunday, 25 November 2007
moody days
not sure why... but of late, i have been somewhat moody... perhaps it was becos the course i put so much effort into had ended. or perhaps it was cos there was just too much apprehension about what's to come now that the course had ended. or was it due to my bee bee behaving weird (of cos he said i had acted weird in the first place)... or that i had too much free time now, but my bee bee could not spent time with me due to his work, or that i was frustrated with work... or i was simple just too exhausted... or the fact that there are just too many people around me dying (latest was that two of the dragon boaters are friends of a friend)... or the fact that my smses were not answered... wtf! wtf! wtf! wtf! wtf!
there seemed to be so many possible reasons that i am not of sure what the reasons are anymore.
there seemed to be so many possible reasons that i am not of sure what the reasons are anymore.
east coast on sunday
made some very interesting observations these couple of weeks when i do my walk-a-jog...
- many people do not wear undies when they jog, ie, they freeball. of cos, i wasn't complaining :-) and of course, one word of advice - when u jog, wear underwear. hmmm, unless u want ppl to see ur jewel swinging...
- east coast parkway can be really busy on sunday mornings before the marathon. so so many people jogging. and of course, from the way they carry themselves when they run, gay men can be so obvious... hmmm, or was it just my gaydar
- when you see a sg man running with an ang mo, chances are, they are a gay couple :-)
- most of the gaymen i observe, can carry their running gear very nicely. it seemed like the running gear are made for them! and it seemed like there are more straight men who cannot seem to fit well into a proper running gear... unless they are good runners
- more gaymen run at night compared to straight men. and of cos, there seemed to be a higher number of them who run topless... oogles!!!
cmp
have really wanted to run and get back into shape. and have procrastinated. until today. finally mustered my energy for my morning run... well, was more of a walk-a-jog. ok, mostly walk. and for the short distance that i jogged, i experienced a shaaaarrrp pain in my right knee. must be my cmp working up again...
getting old i guess... another case of mind is willing but body is not.
getting old i guess... another case of mind is willing but body is not.
aimless
have been clearing time off after the course. and i have been going thru all sorts of emotional turmoil... on one hand, i very much want to go back to give my all to my work. on the other hand, i just could not bring myself to do it at all... lost all my faith in my boss and my motivation to go back...
the next two days will be our staff retreat. supposedly to have a conversation to discuss our directions. but my left hand column is really telling me that it will be a total waste of time. i am pessimistic about the conversation that is going to happen.
one more day of off and then it is back to all the wayangs again...
the next two days will be our staff retreat. supposedly to have a conversation to discuss our directions. but my left hand column is really telling me that it will be a total waste of time. i am pessimistic about the conversation that is going to happen.
one more day of off and then it is back to all the wayangs again...
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
2008 - year of the rat
as 2008 draws near, i am again reminded about a prediction by a fortune teller. you see, my mum brought me to a palm-reader when i was in pri 5 (there and about...) and the fortune taller predicted that in my 42nd year i would experience great difficulties and danger. she said that that would be the year of the rat and being borned in the year of the fire horse, my star signs would clash with the rat year. and that if i were not careful and has a fall, then, chances are that i would die.
while i do not place much attention to such morbid predictions, it has nonetheless linger in my memories since then... and i cannot help but think that even if i do not fall, my 42nd year would be a difficult year for me as i manage my career transition. perhaps, the so called `death' the fortune teller was referring to was the death of my career... well, we'll see!
while i do not place much attention to such morbid predictions, it has nonetheless linger in my memories since then... and i cannot help but think that even if i do not fall, my 42nd year would be a difficult year for me as i manage my career transition. perhaps, the so called `death' the fortune teller was referring to was the death of my career... well, we'll see!
my sick dad
it's 3am now. i was woken up about half an hour ago by some noises outside my bedroom. it sounded like someone wailing. immediately, i knew it was my dad again. i opened the door and true enough, i saw my dad - naked and sprawled on the floor. perspiring profusely, he was in a state of semi-consciousness and confusion.
i have seen this happened often over the last two years. too often. and i knew immediately what i must do. quickly, i prepared a cup of warm concentrated milo with extra sugar and fed it to him - teaspoon by teaspoon, making sure he does not get choked in the process. it took me a whole 15min before he finished the milo. and soon enough, he stopped wailing and started talking to me. word by word, he would remind me to sleep early, to save for old age, to be careful with my money and so on. and almost always, it was during such instance of semi-consciousness where he would show his concern explicitly. feels kinda warm to hear him say out such words for in my family, we hardly express our love openly.
on the other hand, i also feel somewhat sad. i had expected today's hypoglycaemia to happen given that he is currently sick with flu and he has not been resting and eating well. and there is hardly anything i can do to hasten his recovery. i feel somewhat resigned to the fact that even after he recovers from this bout of flu, he will continue to weaken by the day. he is an old man, the least i can do is to take good care of him. he is my dad.
i have seen this happened often over the last two years. too often. and i knew immediately what i must do. quickly, i prepared a cup of warm concentrated milo with extra sugar and fed it to him - teaspoon by teaspoon, making sure he does not get choked in the process. it took me a whole 15min before he finished the milo. and soon enough, he stopped wailing and started talking to me. word by word, he would remind me to sleep early, to save for old age, to be careful with my money and so on. and almost always, it was during such instance of semi-consciousness where he would show his concern explicitly. feels kinda warm to hear him say out such words for in my family, we hardly express our love openly.
on the other hand, i also feel somewhat sad. i had expected today's hypoglycaemia to happen given that he is currently sick with flu and he has not been resting and eating well. and there is hardly anything i can do to hasten his recovery. i feel somewhat resigned to the fact that even after he recovers from this bout of flu, he will continue to weaken by the day. he is an old man, the least i can do is to take good care of him. he is my dad.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
jason ho
i had lost all contact with jason, my doctor friend who had worked with me back in 1998. we were so close that many had thought we were a couple. but of cos that couldn't be more wrong cos jason is straight as can be :-) after i joined sia cargo in 2000 and he left service, we lost contact and since then, i had been trying my hardest to look for him. my attempts were unsuccessful and at one time, i had wanted to delete away his email.
last evening, we made contact in the msn. i was home early after work and had logged on to the msn to check on my msgs as well as to see if any of my friends were online... and then, a few things happened almost at the same time - damien logged on (with his photo!), then ps msn me, and i was most surprised when jason also logged on...
it took a while for us to authenticate each other's identity and next thing we knew, we were yakking away like long lost friends. jason is now working in china and has a russian gf :-) always knew he has this taste for exotic girls! and he seemed to be doing pretty well! happy for him!
yesterday was certainly a very happy day for me!
last evening, we made contact in the msn. i was home early after work and had logged on to the msn to check on my msgs as well as to see if any of my friends were online... and then, a few things happened almost at the same time - damien logged on (with his photo!), then ps msn me, and i was most surprised when jason also logged on...
it took a while for us to authenticate each other's identity and next thing we knew, we were yakking away like long lost friends. jason is now working in china and has a russian gf :-) always knew he has this taste for exotic girls! and he seemed to be doing pretty well! happy for him!
yesterday was certainly a very happy day for me!
schneider & damien
the last couple of days had been interesting. first, bee bee and i met up with schneider. it was interesting cos it was the first time i meet schneider after knowing him over the webcam some 3-4 (?) months back. and with time, smses and chats, we became friends. i had always been amazed how similar schneider and i had in common in terms of personality, likes and dislikes :-)
and of cos, over time too, i got to know damien (thru schneider)... uncannily, i also realized through facebook that damien and i shared several common traits... and last evening, it was the first time i saw damien's face over the msn. at last i had a visual of someone whom i had chatted and smsed and had come to called friend :-)
just thot i'd pen it here to commemorate these occasions.
and of cos, over time too, i got to know damien (thru schneider)... uncannily, i also realized through facebook that damien and i shared several common traits... and last evening, it was the first time i saw damien's face over the msn. at last i had a visual of someone whom i had chatted and smsed and had come to called friend :-)
just thot i'd pen it here to commemorate these occasions.
edwin
it was interesting to have made a new friend in facebook. someone called edwin petted my fluffy lehbit... and fed lehbit some vege. i thanked him by doing a poke on him. and soon enough, we started poking each other. i eventually sent a mail to thank him and he addressed me somewhat affectionately as his pokey friend... and mail after mail, we slowly got to know each other. i came out to him, he was somewhat reluctant to call himself gay, choosing to say that we are of the same orientation... :-)
with time, we exchanged numbers and became friends. he is a nice person. glad to have made the contact.
with time, we exchanged numbers and became friends. he is a nice person. glad to have made the contact.
end of course
end of courses has always been a mixed feeling thing for me. the time spent with the students created a certain kinda bond that i cannot really explain. the affectionate nicknames and actions that they would give to me, the trust that was established between my student and i... and most importantly, the friendship that was forged over the duration of the course.
i can almost draw some parallels at the end of the course to a mother giving birth to her baby after a 9-month long gestation period. it was with such pride that i see my course participants grow closer with each passing day. and the effort that i had put in to make sure the course was useful to my students, the highs and the lows, the early mornings and the late nights... and of course, the huge effort i put in to ensure that the graduation is the most perfect thing that could ever happen... for they were the stars.
and then the next day, everything was quiet.
it was the same feelings 20 years ago when i taught in basic school and it is still the same emotions i experience today when i teach in this college. sighs. the human mind is such a sentimental thing.
i can almost draw some parallels at the end of the course to a mother giving birth to her baby after a 9-month long gestation period. it was with such pride that i see my course participants grow closer with each passing day. and the effort that i had put in to make sure the course was useful to my students, the highs and the lows, the early mornings and the late nights... and of course, the huge effort i put in to ensure that the graduation is the most perfect thing that could ever happen... for they were the stars.
and then the next day, everything was quiet.
it was the same feelings 20 years ago when i taught in basic school and it is still the same emotions i experience today when i teach in this college. sighs. the human mind is such a sentimental thing.
Sunday, 18 November 2007
medical review
finally went for my final check-up on my hearing problem and was told that this time round, the findings suggest that my ears are ok. `not too bad' to be exact. you see, although i still have some loss in hearing in my left ear, it is considered ok cos the frequency that i am found to be slightly deaf to is in the higher frequency range. and as such, it should no affect my normal daily functions. nonetheless, i am supposed to go back for my annual review so as to make sure it does not deteriorate further.
on the other hand, i am supposed to go for my check-up with an orthopaedic specialist for my cmp, my cervical spondylosis and my tendonitis problem... sighs... signs of getting old.
you simply cannot escape such fact of life...
on the other hand, i am supposed to go for my check-up with an orthopaedic specialist for my cmp, my cervical spondylosis and my tendonitis problem... sighs... signs of getting old.
you simply cannot escape such fact of life...
my boss
when one interacts with someone long enough, you see the true person's character. i managed to slowly see my new boss's character slowly unfolding over the last couple of months since he joined our team.
i initially had so full of hopes in him. then gradually, i begin to slowly lose my trust in him, particularly over the last couple of weeks. some of the things that was most telling of his `buay zai' (lack of confidence) and inability or perhaps refusal to comprehend the ground problems and lack of trust us - in his subordinates. he has frequently gone around asking for feedback about how things can be improved, how course can be better managed etc... but really, i feel he has not understood the ground. some of the most telling things that he has decided include:
i initially had so full of hopes in him. then gradually, i begin to slowly lose my trust in him, particularly over the last couple of weeks. some of the things that was most telling of his `buay zai' (lack of confidence) and inability or perhaps refusal to comprehend the ground problems and lack of trust us - in his subordinates. he has frequently gone around asking for feedback about how things can be improved, how course can be better managed etc... but really, i feel he has not understood the ground. some of the most telling things that he has decided include:
- endorsing for staff to attend a programme in nie during the last week of a course that we are running. and in doing so, created so much tension amongst those who stayed behind cos there was simply not enough people to resolve all the end of course administration. such a negative effect on the student!
- directing for all instructors to attend a talk in the midst of a major exercise where everyone present was involved. my colleagues and i simply deleted his email and shook our head.
- one late evening, when i was conducting an exam for my students, he came to me and asked me to explain why we felt stressed. he said he could not possibly understand our feelings of stress when there were `so many' of us. it was an easy answer for i just listed all of us, and went down the names one by one and our taskings that he had arrowed. end of it all, in the list of 13 positions, i was able to show that only 3 of us were physically around to support the running of the course at any one time. the other 10 had either been arrowed for other things or had been posted out and whose positions were left unstaffed.
- and in that conversation, i explained that whoever was around was left to shoulder the extra responsibilities and as such had no other capacity to do other things. he surprised me by saying that we should therefore do less for the course (our students)... !!!!!! i was stunt for in the longest time i had been with my college, i had impressed upon myself that i existed for the students!
- when i tried to explain to him the challenges we faced due to the lack of human resources, he simply told me off that we (my colleagues and i) still exist in the old paradigm... and that we need to start living in the new paradigm. i can only conclude that perhaps he was the one living in the old paradigm and that i should just leave the set-up.
- and to top it off, during the debrief of the course two days ago, i almost felt insulted when he tried to ask students to tell him their tensions. well, there was nothing wrong in doing that, but it was in the way that he did it... you see, he went in with some mindsets and in the manner in which he asked, he was literally presenting his cart before the horses. and students were rather put off i must say. and when they have finished their points (very mature and v well balanced between the good and not so good points), he turned around and tried to `squeeze' some more points out of them - telling them to highlight whatever tensions they have - especially those that was not reflected... i felt rather insulted actually. the students just sat there are stared at him... there was just no tensions!
anyway, i am slowly seeing more and more of his character... perhaps i have my own mindsets and might have seen things from my angle. but somehow, no matter how i try to frame from his angle, i just could not comprehend where he was steering us towards...
i can only say that there is no way to be open if on one hand, openness is valued, but on the other hand, it is practiced only superficially, or at least that is what i am feeling up till this point. and that he had been one of the main reason behind the crazy workplace that all of us are now experiencing.
i can only say that there is no way to be open if on one hand, openness is valued, but on the other hand, it is practiced only superficially, or at least that is what i am feeling up till this point. and that he had been one of the main reason behind the crazy workplace that all of us are now experiencing.
Saturday, 17 November 2007
unglam tai tais
witnessed a funny sight yesterday... was driving along ayer rajah expressway when i noticed a very beautifully dressed up and dolled up tai tai (rich lady who lives off her husband's earnings) driving beside me... she was digging gold (picking her nose) like there was no tomorrow... and i could see she was so engrossed in the act that her mouth was open wide (not unlike those in a state of ecstasy)!
such a glam-looking tai tai, but doing such an act... in the privacy (so she thot) of her car. and in that act, she was so unglam... so funny :-) then again, picking on one's nose is such a personal and common thing that all of us do so bluddy often... only that we do not do it openly :-)
i smiled to myself... and i drove along...
such a glam-looking tai tai, but doing such an act... in the privacy (so she thot) of her car. and in that act, she was so unglam... so funny :-) then again, picking on one's nose is such a personal and common thing that all of us do so bluddy often... only that we do not do it openly :-)
i smiled to myself... and i drove along...
Sunday, 4 November 2007
positioning for failure
was talking to willie last week and the conversation drifted to `positioning a person for failure'. and that sets me thinking about what i have been going through since the past 2 years. my organisation is part of a larger set-up that had openly announced that gays are allowed to fill positions, even those that are sensitive, if they are admit their sexuality. but what i had experienced told me that whatever had been stated was plain bullshit. seemed more like a publicity stunt. i do ask the following:
- why is my security clearance downgraded to a state where i become undeployable and my posting to an appointment comes with additional qualifiers that i cannot be involved in some areas of my work?
- how can i get my job done if i am constantly reminded of my status given some agencies refuse to liaise with me cos i do not have the nec security clearance to even talk abt what i am supposed to do?
- what motivation do i have, if, as a result of not being able to do what i am supposed to do due to my security clearance, end up not getting my due recognition during the year-end ranking?
does this all not add up to a case of positioning me for failure? once again, i am reminded of my semblance to a prostitute where i work purely for the sake of money...
of modesty & tudungs
earlier i was at the pool for my weekly tan. i felt so weird when i reached there cos there was this muslim family beside all the tanning decks. and amongst the family was this tudung-clad woman. there she was, seated amongst her family, half enjoying the sun and half chatting away happily while her kids frolicked in the wading pool.
and there i was - in my swimming trunks, nothing obscene or suggestive, but i was so suddenly aware of my relative nakedness compared to her fully covered body. for that moment, i did not know how to react. and it was such a weird feeling and contrasting scene cos on all the tanning decks, as usual, were gay men. and some of them wore rather skimpy trunks - eg those with rings by the sides :-)
or was it just me, a non-muslim but highly conscious of muslim values and the respect i give to women who don the tudung who chose to protect their modesty in the name of islam, that made me feel so self-conscious? for that moment, i couldn't make out as to whether my relative nakedness (or for that matter, all the men at the pool) would be seen as an outraged to her modesty or that her presence amongst men in swimming trunks, had made us felt outraged instead.
then again, what is modesty after all? all in the mind, i guess...
and there i was - in my swimming trunks, nothing obscene or suggestive, but i was so suddenly aware of my relative nakedness compared to her fully covered body. for that moment, i did not know how to react. and it was such a weird feeling and contrasting scene cos on all the tanning decks, as usual, were gay men. and some of them wore rather skimpy trunks - eg those with rings by the sides :-)
or was it just me, a non-muslim but highly conscious of muslim values and the respect i give to women who don the tudung who chose to protect their modesty in the name of islam, that made me feel so self-conscious? for that moment, i couldn't make out as to whether my relative nakedness (or for that matter, all the men at the pool) would be seen as an outraged to her modesty or that her presence amongst men in swimming trunks, had made us felt outraged instead.
then again, what is modesty after all? all in the mind, i guess...
stardust
"are we humans because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are humans... do the stars gaze back?"last week, i walked into stardust knowing that it was a show that i wanted to watched as i had really enjoyed neil gaiman's books. but i could not remember the storyline as it had been a while since i read the book. but when i saw the dying king, the whole story just flooded back to my memory! the show did not disappoint. the casting that included michelle pfeiffer, claire danes, robert de niro, rupert everett and charlie cox was superb and the acting was flawless! and of course not to forget - the special effects and make-up really added the extra touch and magic to the show! :-)
dialect speakers
recently, i chanced upon a couple of incidents that makes me feel a little sad. it's about dialect speakers and the future of their children. the following are 2 incidents that i would like to share...
- last week at the bedok south hawker center, i was having breakfast and i saw this very lively and cheerful 10-year old boy. through his soliloquy, i was able to conclude that he's a very smart boy. what made me sad was that he was uttering his thoughts in hokkien. and the way he interacted with his father and god-father, i can see that the chances of him getting a decent quality environment where he can be nurtured is very slim. his dad was a helper of the chicken rice store. and looking at the picture he was playing with (picture of the two taoist gods / guardian of hell), and the fantasies that he was self-uttering, i saddens me to think of the challenges he would face eventually as he tries to fit into this very english-educated society.
- this morning at the marine terrace hawker center, i witnessed this toddler - must have been no more than 3 years old. i was amazed with her thoughts and line of questioning - she told her dad she is thirsty and would like to drink cold soya bean milk. when her dad told her drinking cold soya-bean drink is not good for her, she asked why and if so, then how then can it be improved... simple questions but i was surprised by her ability to link logic and derive more questions... again, what dishearten me was that the conversation between her dad and her was in pure solid hokkien!
i was brought up in similar environment when i was young. my parents are not educated. seeing the parents of the two small kids above reminded me of how my parents brought me up. i had faced the challenges and at some point in my life, felt inferior to my english-speaking better off classmates and contemporaries. it has affected my life eventually. but in these two incidents, the differences between them and other singaporean kids are even more distinct compared to my time. these two incidents also tell me that amongst our dialect speaking communities, we have children who are really bright and that they have the potential to be developed cognitively. if done correctly, they will have a very bright future. what saddens me was the fact that even if education opportunities are equal, i do not think these children will ever have the chance to grow up in a home environment that will give them a good start in life (assuming what i observed to be the same in their home). and in this very harsh and cruel singaporean society, it can only mean that they are set for life's failure if they remain in singapore.
joined facebook about a month back and i observed some very interesting things about gays who are not totally out to their friends or even if out, would like to keep their sexuality away from their profile. these include (tho not exclusively)
- describing themselves as `interested in both man and woman'; or
- not to disclose their interest (in man or woman) and relationship status
- reflecting `it's rather complicated' in the relationship field
- has a high degree of privacy (eg keep friends invisible)
and of course, i myself do display some of these online behaviours :-)
doggie's birthday
i celebrated sapphie's birthday yesterday. the usual annual ritual of heading to the market and buying her $4 worth of her favourite beef and stir frying for her :-) she's now 8 years old... a couple more years and she'll leave me...
don't think she knows what the hell was happening but couldn't care-less as long as she got her yummy beef to enjoy!
today, james will be bringing her out. his turn to celebrate her birthday with her. one of those very rare occasions that i will see sapphie go all excited (she'll pee!). she simply loves james to bits!
don't think she knows what the hell was happening but couldn't care-less as long as she got her yummy beef to enjoy!
today, james will be bringing her out. his turn to celebrate her birthday with her. one of those very rare occasions that i will see sapphie go all excited (she'll pee!). she simply loves james to bits!
functional
it's so difficult for one clap with one hand... or is it a case of him deriving some perverse pleasure in not replying my messages? how i wish we can at least have a meal together...
ah chek
you know you have reached the category called `old' when the aunties in the market call you `ah-chek' and not `ah boy' :-)
my ex-neighbour
i was at heeren last evening and i was shocked to chance upon an ex-neighbour of mine.
this lady-neighbour of mine used to attend the same secondary school as me and at one time, i would send her to work almost daily. we were both working in the same building in our headquarters at gombak. she got married and had a daughter. she did not speak much of her husband and the few times i saw her, she was always alone with her daughter. i also vaguely remembered my mum telling me that she had moved out of marine parade. i had not seen nor contacted her since i moved out of marine parade some 10 years back.
what shocked me last nite when i saw her was that she was dressed in a very lady-like lacy dress and was walking rather intimately with another very butch lady. but she looked very happy and was laughing and joking as they shopped.
my guess was that this has been another case of closeted lesbian forced into marriage but eventually found her happiness after accepting her sexuality. on one hand, i was sad that she had to go through the marriage and stuff... but on the other hand, i am glad she is happy now.
we did not talk. she did not see me. and i do not think i want to ask about her husband and child. there is no need for such questions.
this lady-neighbour of mine used to attend the same secondary school as me and at one time, i would send her to work almost daily. we were both working in the same building in our headquarters at gombak. she got married and had a daughter. she did not speak much of her husband and the few times i saw her, she was always alone with her daughter. i also vaguely remembered my mum telling me that she had moved out of marine parade. i had not seen nor contacted her since i moved out of marine parade some 10 years back.
what shocked me last nite when i saw her was that she was dressed in a very lady-like lacy dress and was walking rather intimately with another very butch lady. but she looked very happy and was laughing and joking as they shopped.
my guess was that this has been another case of closeted lesbian forced into marriage but eventually found her happiness after accepting her sexuality. on one hand, i was sad that she had to go through the marriage and stuff... but on the other hand, i am glad she is happy now.
we did not talk. she did not see me. and i do not think i want to ask about her husband and child. there is no need for such questions.
Saturday, 3 November 2007
crazy work place
the following are some of my work environment that i feel is getting out of hand and it is to a huge extend a result of management's fault:
- 3 years ago, we redesigned and implemented a new curriculum
- our manpower was subsequently `right-sized' (read - manpower cut) cos the new curriculum was supposed to be more streamlined
- a third of the new curriculum had been given to external tertiary professors to conduct
- with this change, our instructional development teams got disbanded
- apart from teaching, instructors also take on the role of instructional development. this was possible cos of the time released by engaging external professionals
- our co-ordinating office manpower was also reduced
- over the last 3 years, things slowly got into place when...
a new management came in mid this year. this new management is totally not in touch with the ground. and to make things worst, what is happening now seemed that new management seemed too eager to please higher management. also, as a show of support for the organisation, the new management felt strongly that we should actively reach out and increase our engagement to the organization. this created a tremendous strain on the existing set of people in college. next year, the new management has set the following new directions for current instructors:
- all instructors must now physically conduct and facilitate classes, especially for those that had been given to external tertiary institutes to conduct - reasons of leadership (to me, credibility and ownership of subject matter expertise is more important. leadership is but an escape clause)
- with no instructional design teams, all instructors have been roped in to the redesigning of a new curriculum that new management has been tasked to look into by higher management
- this new curriculum is intended to be in place by 2009. but for 2008, all current teaching materials and lesson plans have to be redesigned and streamlined further so as to make the current curriculum more relevant (wtf!)
- the current course capacity will be increased by about 20 - 30% but there will not no increase in instructors
despite our feedback abt the strain, the common liner by management has been that we should move out of the old paradigm and start to live in the new paradigm... and much as we tried, it is just not possible to meet the extra demands. our work now has resulted in many of us working till pass-10pm at a higher frequency these days... to make things worst, i also observe the following interesting phenomenon creeping into the college:
- the principal-equivalent (aka management) trying to micromanage the instructors (teacher-equivalent)
- the hod-equivalent (aka my immediate boss) who is not too in-the-know about how to manage the instructors and behave more like a principal
- another hod-equivalent who has been put in charge of running the course had also pulled 2 instructors (out of the 15 or so) to become his deputy - one for admin and one for education (read - paper writing)
- of these 2 instructors pulled out to help out with admin and paper writing know next to nothing about running classes - both have the reputation of being absent all the time. their class have gone to the extend of naming their class as the no-instructor class and/or go on a self-drive.
- all these amidst a turn over of some 20-30% of current set of instructors and management is looking at transferring their responsibilities to those remaining
it is no wonder that all those remaining behind - even those who have thus far been very committed and professional in their roles as instructors - are starting to talk about resigning... and i am glad i only have one more year to go...
Saturday, 27 October 2007
it's official - singapore has legalised discrimination
it's a catchy title no doubt. but the start of having a law that formally criminalised one minority from the majority signals the start of discrimination in singapore, regardless of how we define this word `minority'. for today, it's gays, what about tomorrow?...
the pledge has got no more meaning to me and henceforth, i will no longer recite the singapore pledge.
i am not against the status quo to respect the majority's view and the continuation of progressing as the society matures, but i am, for one, a strong advocate of equality. if we want to keep 377a, then, let's keep 377. and if we want to repeal 377, then let's repeal 377a. we should be gender neutral. the act of the cock penetrating the anus (or into someone's mouth) remains unchanged, regardless of whether the anus or mouth belongs to a male or female. and i am sure, everyone, regardless sexuality, education or religious background, practices it (for that matter, even professors - both males and females).
the whole issue, was, in the first place, started by some minister who made an issue out of 377. if this issue had not started, it wouldn't have have divided the society in the first place. it wouldn't have created such a stir in the first place. it tells me that when our law-makers review the penal code, it is not based on principles of what we have been told - principles of democracy, equality, justice and so on... but rather, it is based on the `whims and fancies' or who calls the shots and perhaps possible impact on their votes in the next general election. it was so obvious to me when this whole motion was initiated by an nmp in the first place. and that even the opposition had chosen to keep silent or at best maintain a `status quo' don't rock the boat position.
well, watever the case, we have come to where we are today. of cos the other way of looking at it is that the whole debate had created a huge, huge publicity and that it had educated the public abt the plight of gays. it has also unveiled a more frightening finding of our state of social integration and indicators of how some individuals of a particular religious group (read - christians) has made use of their god as an excuse to initiate verbal / hate abuse on their fellow human beings; or for that matter, openly declaring that singapore is a christian state (and that females are inferior to males and so on). there are more than enough hate actions and articulations in the internet by these individuals and for that matter, even quote their church leaders about their anti-sentiments towards gays. it would not be illogical to assume that the government monitored such postings in the internet closely during the period of the discourse on 377a.
with the closure of the penal code debate, i think the ball is in the government's court to apprehend these people who incite hate amongst singaporeans. it is no different from how the government would use the isa to arrest people who incite hate or disinformation on another religion or minority race. if there are no clear actions carried out, it would further reinforce this government's lack of courage to face the current state of affairs and they would have totally lose the moral integrity to look after all of its citizens (regardless of sexuality) equally.
the pledge has got no more meaning to me and henceforth, i will no longer recite the singapore pledge.
i am not against the status quo to respect the majority's view and the continuation of progressing as the society matures, but i am, for one, a strong advocate of equality. if we want to keep 377a, then, let's keep 377. and if we want to repeal 377, then let's repeal 377a. we should be gender neutral. the act of the cock penetrating the anus (or into someone's mouth) remains unchanged, regardless of whether the anus or mouth belongs to a male or female. and i am sure, everyone, regardless sexuality, education or religious background, practices it (for that matter, even professors - both males and females).
the whole issue, was, in the first place, started by some minister who made an issue out of 377. if this issue had not started, it wouldn't have have divided the society in the first place. it wouldn't have created such a stir in the first place. it tells me that when our law-makers review the penal code, it is not based on principles of what we have been told - principles of democracy, equality, justice and so on... but rather, it is based on the `whims and fancies' or who calls the shots and perhaps possible impact on their votes in the next general election. it was so obvious to me when this whole motion was initiated by an nmp in the first place. and that even the opposition had chosen to keep silent or at best maintain a `status quo' don't rock the boat position.
well, watever the case, we have come to where we are today. of cos the other way of looking at it is that the whole debate had created a huge, huge publicity and that it had educated the public abt the plight of gays. it has also unveiled a more frightening finding of our state of social integration and indicators of how some individuals of a particular religious group (read - christians) has made use of their god as an excuse to initiate verbal / hate abuse on their fellow human beings; or for that matter, openly declaring that singapore is a christian state (and that females are inferior to males and so on). there are more than enough hate actions and articulations in the internet by these individuals and for that matter, even quote their church leaders about their anti-sentiments towards gays. it would not be illogical to assume that the government monitored such postings in the internet closely during the period of the discourse on 377a.
with the closure of the penal code debate, i think the ball is in the government's court to apprehend these people who incite hate amongst singaporeans. it is no different from how the government would use the isa to arrest people who incite hate or disinformation on another religion or minority race. if there are no clear actions carried out, it would further reinforce this government's lack of courage to face the current state of affairs and they would have totally lose the moral integrity to look after all of its citizens (regardless of sexuality) equally.
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